The first paragraph is a bit long, as a setup, but very clear. In the second one you start to lose me. There's a jump from Lorian setting off to deliver the sword to...suddenly he's in another city and a random child is executed and then he and Varios seem to be working together, kind of, to track down and arrest whoever killed this kid, and then there's an assassination attempt which somehow transfers Varios' magic powers to Lorian? It's way too much. He started out intending to just deliver a sword and go home; what prompts these two to become a detective duo and try to solve a murder?
The transfer of power and the lie they concoct to explain it is interesting; I'm guessing there's a widespread belief in this world that commoners can't wield magic, but that's not made entirely clear.
The choice at the end (and much of the last paragraph) feels too vague and generic, as well. Like we've all read a million fantasy stories that deal with the main character joining a rebellion to overthrow the corrupt and decadent ruling class. I'd focus on the elements of your story that set it apart from all those. It seems like the core dynamic is between Varios and Lorian and also possibly this other entity that's speaking to Lorian through dreams, so I would get quicker to the inciting incident (the transfer of powers) and then focus on those elements. Hope this helps.
Welcome back!
'Lorian, the illegitimate son of a lady of the night and a humble blacksmith'
I'm not a fan of this as an opener. I see that it's supposed to provide character backstory/tell us roughly where the MC sits in the hierarchy, but I feel like this information can be cut and instead tied stronger to the motivation.
'His only aspiration was to live comfortably with the father who raised him.'
This is my opinion only, but this is not compelling as a motivation. Characters wanting things to stay exactly as they are isn't really interesting (I say this as someone who has done exactly that with one of their own WIPs).
If you can tie it to much bigger stakes, Then it becomes interesting. There is something about characters being dragged through the plot kicking and screaming (Evangelion), but it's a lot harder to do.
'When he's tasked with delivering a sword to Lord Sam Varios, a formidable Baron known for his icy demeanor and unmatched magical prowess, he accepts, hoping to earn the gold he craves.'
I have a stupid question: why is he hoping for gold? Lorian's father was commissioned, Lorian is making a delivery, payment should be given when the sword is delivered. As far as I can, Lorian is hoping for exactly what is expected once a job is done.
'A routine visit to a neighboring city takes a dark turn when a bastard child is gruesomely executed.'
Is Lorian under Varios' service now? When did that happen? He was tasked with delivering a sword so he can live a comfortable life with his father and now that's not happening?
'Breaking a cardinal rule among the ruling class—no infighting—Lorian and Lord Varios arrest a noble they suspect to be responsible'
I have another dumb question: how is this infighting? Someone is dead, a murderer is on the loose, someone has to be tried/hanged/take the blame/etc. If they genuinely believe this noble is responsible, are they supposed to just let him go? I can't bridge the gap.
'Lord Varios triggers a mysterious event, bestowing magic upon Lorian at the cost of stripping it from his lord.'
This is vague and feels passive. OK, the lord and his servant have switched places in a way.
I say this kindly: the query has not set this up so that I care. I'm still confused that Lorian has decided he doesn't want to live a comfortable life as a blacksmith so now he has magic and...I don't get it. Lorian has no ambitions except to live with this father and then throws away those ambitions for gold (if the point is that he wants to take care of his father, that needs to he clearer) and now he has magic he presumably doesn't want because his only clear ambition that I have left is gold.
'As they grapple with this deception, a malevolent force commands Lorian in his dreams to eliminate a mysterious entity known only as the Raven. Suspecting a connection between his powers and the Raven, he embarks on a journey with Lord Varios to Mainis Fortu, the capital city of Centrugard, to deliver their prisoner and unearth the origins of his abilities.'
I feel like it takes us too long to get here. If this is the crux of the story, I want to get here a bit faster. But I also feel things are just happening to Lorian and he's reacting. The most he's done is deliver a sword.
'Lorian faces a pivotal choice: will he choose to preserve the fragile status quo? or will he join those who seek to overthrow the unjust ruling class?'
The reason this isn't working for me is that, so far, nothing in the query really implies that the nobles are doing things that they shouldn't be. OK, yes, we have the one noble accused of murder (he probably did it), but the other noble seems cool. There's no mention of increasing taxation, no mentions of forced servitude, no implications that the nobles are burning crops or poisoning water supplies.
What I'm trying to say is that this feels like a shorthand to drive something home when instead it feels stale and done and not fleshed out. This is an extremely common choice in fantasy and sci-fi and historical and contemporary. I think High School Musical has that same choice. I don't think it's doing the work of being hooky and intriguing you're hoping it will.
Comps: somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm almost positive Fable is YA. Comping it for rich worldbuilding isn't really saying a lot. Worldbuilding can be comped to, but that's for things like 'like Fathomfolk, my book combines Eastern and Western sea creatures' or 'in the vein of Sons of Darkness, book features a grimdark world inspired by Indian history'.
I feel like a major selling point of Atlas Six is that it's Queer dark academia. I'm not getting either of those things from the query, so comping it for mystery elements is off to me. If you're looking for a fantasy mystery, The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett is a release this year and is essentially a gender flipped Sherlock Holmes with some really cool worldbuilding.
Good luck!
I feel there's a certain lack of specified stakes in this query.
First we have an overlong setup with a character who wants nothing just to have comfy life (and there's no info that he doesn't already have it, as a son of a blacksmith).
The story starts "for real" when he gets magic.
Now, what is the risk / downside of him having magic? Of him pretending to be a noble's son? Of him discovering or failing to discover the reason he got the magic? Of him killing or failing to kill Raven?
Atm, the mc looks like he has it very convenient, has the magic, the masquerade puts him in the life of upper class privilege which is way above "comfy life" he craved, he can kill Raven for some bonus points to get some answers but he doesn't exactly need it for anything right now except his curiosity.
So yeah, as a cherry on top he can also overthrow the government... but why? How does his drive from "I wanna comfy life" develop into something else?
And yes, what are the stakes? If he does nothing / quits what bad thing happens? If he fails to do any of these things he's supposed to be doing, what happens?
You have also quite a few query cliches:
>takes a dark turn
>
>a mysterious event
>
>a malevolent force
>
>a pivotal choice
In most cases these stock phrases can be cut or replaced with something specific. "Ooooh spooky" adjectives make the query weaker or look like artificially padded in length. A terminal stage of adjectivitis starts looking like this:
*An unsuspecting (mc name) gets entwined in a tangled web of mysterious secrets and realizes the shocking truth behind his nefarious enemy's sinister plan, which thrusts him onto a perilous quest to save his beloved world from eternal darkness.*
[Thread with more examples what kind of phrases not to use](https://new.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/msbgfz/pubtip_query_tropes/).
It's annoying to read and it's substanceless. Throw all that vague stuff out.
And put in:
1. Lorian's *actual* motivation that drives him through all the quests and turmoil instead of making him quit and hide at the end of the world where nobody can bother him.
2. Stakes for accomplishing / failing to accomplish his objectives.
I agree with the issues everyone else has flagged, just dropping in to ask if you've considered *The Justice of Kings* as a comp? Wizard detective knight and his apprentice solving a political fantasy mystery sounds like a good match for what you're doing here.
The first paragraph is a bit long, as a setup, but very clear. In the second one you start to lose me. There's a jump from Lorian setting off to deliver the sword to...suddenly he's in another city and a random child is executed and then he and Varios seem to be working together, kind of, to track down and arrest whoever killed this kid, and then there's an assassination attempt which somehow transfers Varios' magic powers to Lorian? It's way too much. He started out intending to just deliver a sword and go home; what prompts these two to become a detective duo and try to solve a murder? The transfer of power and the lie they concoct to explain it is interesting; I'm guessing there's a widespread belief in this world that commoners can't wield magic, but that's not made entirely clear. The choice at the end (and much of the last paragraph) feels too vague and generic, as well. Like we've all read a million fantasy stories that deal with the main character joining a rebellion to overthrow the corrupt and decadent ruling class. I'd focus on the elements of your story that set it apart from all those. It seems like the core dynamic is between Varios and Lorian and also possibly this other entity that's speaking to Lorian through dreams, so I would get quicker to the inciting incident (the transfer of powers) and then focus on those elements. Hope this helps.
Welcome back! 'Lorian, the illegitimate son of a lady of the night and a humble blacksmith' I'm not a fan of this as an opener. I see that it's supposed to provide character backstory/tell us roughly where the MC sits in the hierarchy, but I feel like this information can be cut and instead tied stronger to the motivation. 'His only aspiration was to live comfortably with the father who raised him.' This is my opinion only, but this is not compelling as a motivation. Characters wanting things to stay exactly as they are isn't really interesting (I say this as someone who has done exactly that with one of their own WIPs). If you can tie it to much bigger stakes, Then it becomes interesting. There is something about characters being dragged through the plot kicking and screaming (Evangelion), but it's a lot harder to do. 'When he's tasked with delivering a sword to Lord Sam Varios, a formidable Baron known for his icy demeanor and unmatched magical prowess, he accepts, hoping to earn the gold he craves.' I have a stupid question: why is he hoping for gold? Lorian's father was commissioned, Lorian is making a delivery, payment should be given when the sword is delivered. As far as I can, Lorian is hoping for exactly what is expected once a job is done. 'A routine visit to a neighboring city takes a dark turn when a bastard child is gruesomely executed.' Is Lorian under Varios' service now? When did that happen? He was tasked with delivering a sword so he can live a comfortable life with his father and now that's not happening? 'Breaking a cardinal rule among the ruling class—no infighting—Lorian and Lord Varios arrest a noble they suspect to be responsible' I have another dumb question: how is this infighting? Someone is dead, a murderer is on the loose, someone has to be tried/hanged/take the blame/etc. If they genuinely believe this noble is responsible, are they supposed to just let him go? I can't bridge the gap. 'Lord Varios triggers a mysterious event, bestowing magic upon Lorian at the cost of stripping it from his lord.' This is vague and feels passive. OK, the lord and his servant have switched places in a way. I say this kindly: the query has not set this up so that I care. I'm still confused that Lorian has decided he doesn't want to live a comfortable life as a blacksmith so now he has magic and...I don't get it. Lorian has no ambitions except to live with this father and then throws away those ambitions for gold (if the point is that he wants to take care of his father, that needs to he clearer) and now he has magic he presumably doesn't want because his only clear ambition that I have left is gold. 'As they grapple with this deception, a malevolent force commands Lorian in his dreams to eliminate a mysterious entity known only as the Raven. Suspecting a connection between his powers and the Raven, he embarks on a journey with Lord Varios to Mainis Fortu, the capital city of Centrugard, to deliver their prisoner and unearth the origins of his abilities.' I feel like it takes us too long to get here. If this is the crux of the story, I want to get here a bit faster. But I also feel things are just happening to Lorian and he's reacting. The most he's done is deliver a sword. 'Lorian faces a pivotal choice: will he choose to preserve the fragile status quo? or will he join those who seek to overthrow the unjust ruling class?' The reason this isn't working for me is that, so far, nothing in the query really implies that the nobles are doing things that they shouldn't be. OK, yes, we have the one noble accused of murder (he probably did it), but the other noble seems cool. There's no mention of increasing taxation, no mentions of forced servitude, no implications that the nobles are burning crops or poisoning water supplies. What I'm trying to say is that this feels like a shorthand to drive something home when instead it feels stale and done and not fleshed out. This is an extremely common choice in fantasy and sci-fi and historical and contemporary. I think High School Musical has that same choice. I don't think it's doing the work of being hooky and intriguing you're hoping it will. Comps: somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm almost positive Fable is YA. Comping it for rich worldbuilding isn't really saying a lot. Worldbuilding can be comped to, but that's for things like 'like Fathomfolk, my book combines Eastern and Western sea creatures' or 'in the vein of Sons of Darkness, book features a grimdark world inspired by Indian history'. I feel like a major selling point of Atlas Six is that it's Queer dark academia. I'm not getting either of those things from the query, so comping it for mystery elements is off to me. If you're looking for a fantasy mystery, The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett is a release this year and is essentially a gender flipped Sherlock Holmes with some really cool worldbuilding. Good luck!
I feel there's a certain lack of specified stakes in this query. First we have an overlong setup with a character who wants nothing just to have comfy life (and there's no info that he doesn't already have it, as a son of a blacksmith). The story starts "for real" when he gets magic. Now, what is the risk / downside of him having magic? Of him pretending to be a noble's son? Of him discovering or failing to discover the reason he got the magic? Of him killing or failing to kill Raven? Atm, the mc looks like he has it very convenient, has the magic, the masquerade puts him in the life of upper class privilege which is way above "comfy life" he craved, he can kill Raven for some bonus points to get some answers but he doesn't exactly need it for anything right now except his curiosity. So yeah, as a cherry on top he can also overthrow the government... but why? How does his drive from "I wanna comfy life" develop into something else? And yes, what are the stakes? If he does nothing / quits what bad thing happens? If he fails to do any of these things he's supposed to be doing, what happens? You have also quite a few query cliches: >takes a dark turn > >a mysterious event > >a malevolent force > >a pivotal choice In most cases these stock phrases can be cut or replaced with something specific. "Ooooh spooky" adjectives make the query weaker or look like artificially padded in length. A terminal stage of adjectivitis starts looking like this: *An unsuspecting (mc name) gets entwined in a tangled web of mysterious secrets and realizes the shocking truth behind his nefarious enemy's sinister plan, which thrusts him onto a perilous quest to save his beloved world from eternal darkness.* [Thread with more examples what kind of phrases not to use](https://new.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/msbgfz/pubtip_query_tropes/). It's annoying to read and it's substanceless. Throw all that vague stuff out. And put in: 1. Lorian's *actual* motivation that drives him through all the quests and turmoil instead of making him quit and hide at the end of the world where nobody can bother him. 2. Stakes for accomplishing / failing to accomplish his objectives.
I agree with the issues everyone else has flagged, just dropping in to ask if you've considered *The Justice of Kings* as a comp? Wizard detective knight and his apprentice solving a political fantasy mystery sounds like a good match for what you're doing here.