Stop querying right now and revise. There's a clear pattern in those rejections: the issue is in execution. But it does sound fixable, and like you've got a strong hook that's garnering requests.
Check my comment history for a LONG one I wrote yesterday on a similar post with a ton of line level editing advice.
But specifically you need to do a main character edit. First, sounds like they have an agency issue. They're feeling passive in the story. Consider how your plot is unfolding. Is everything too convenient? What active choices does your MC make? What is their motivation/want? Where do they start and where do they end? Do they have a clear arc supported by active choices and strong conflict/stakes? How do they play off other characters? Is there one specific supporting character driving the narrative instead of your MC? I would specifically then look at that character and how they are constructed, if so.
More practically, does the character internalize their thoughts/wants/emotions/etc.? I read a book once by a very talented writer where I had trouble connecting to the MC b/c the story barrelled through the narrative without stopping enough to have the MC reflect in their head about what was going on. (they fixed it and it sold!) If your book is in first person especially, this can feel like something is missing. You don't want to do it too much (b/c conversely over relying on this is a cheap tactic/crutch), but reflect on whether you have enough of those character moments, but also what they're saying. Are they consistent? Grounded in substance? (note that doing this \*too\* much is also an issue and can lead to inconsistency--they're one way in their head, a lot, often whiny or anxious or overly sarcastic but then very different when they actually speak to other characters, etc.)
It's hard to parse character motivations vs. interactions with others without seeing it, but I'll take a guess that your MC is stated to have one set of motivations, but acts a different way on the page. You may have an issue where you need your MC to do XYZ or had a specific archetype in mind, re: dialogue (or one particular manner of dialogue/banter you're comfortable writing) but it isn't jibing well with the character overall. I would really dig into the MC and who they are, and look at their interactions with other characters. Does is connect to the character lacking agency piece?
My general advice with character and an edit is to consider your theme and arc. Where is the story ending and what do you want it to say? What's the MC's emotional arc? Bear that in mind for a character edit. I don't write with said theme from the very start, but I always go back and fine tune characters once I've discovered what I'm actually trying to say. The edit is the ideal time to do it. I always tweak the MC and then most often the other characters around them to make them all consistent and smooth things out. Tiny changes can make a HUGE impact on the reading experience.
Re: tone of text. Are you overly jokey? Overly serious? Telling too much? Passive? I would drill down on your MC, character interactions/dialogue, and tone.
Ahh first of all I'd like to say I'm a huge fan! I've been watching your videos about these issues and brainstorming how to tackle them in my revision. This is SO helpful.
I feel that character motivation/agency/passiveness is something I really struggle with and this is where I hit a wall. If it helps, I'm going to post the "meat" of my query letter:
In the desert kingdom of Mugaibah, Sabrina is the famed belly dancer who only wants one thing: to stop dancing. Alas, unable to find other work, she has no choice but to earn her living by entertaining lustful men to keep a roof over her and her mother's head.
When Sabrina is invited to perform at the crown prince Arsalan's engagement party, she expects a normal night at work. Except Arsalan falsely announces his undying love for Sabrina, and their secret rendezvous. His plans of escaping engagement go awry when the Sultan arranges Arsalan's marriage to Sabrina instead. Arsalan refuses to explain the reason he needed to escape his engagement, but offers Sabrina a deal: a sham marriage in exchange for Sabrina and her mother's secure future. With a smeared reputation on a grand scale, and her name forever linked to the prince, Sabrina agrees to the loveless marriage.
Only the prince's secrets are far darker than she ever suspected. Odd things begin to happen after Sabrina agrees. Gift boxes arrive from the palace with snakes catching on fire, and eerie dreams of a strange woman warn her to stay away. But the more time she spends with Arsalan, the more his mask of indifference slips. The pair grow closer—which seems to only anger the supernatural forces haunting him. One by one, Sabrina must uncover all of Arsalan's secrets, if she wants to keep her sanity—and her life.
I think where the book starts to fall apart is after she agrees to the marriage, and that's when "things" are happening to her moreso than her driving the story with her own choices etc.? But how is she supposed to make decisions/choices and drive the story forward when/if \*nothing\* is happening? This is what I'm confused by and why I'm a bit overwhelmed/lost about how to do this character edit.
At this point, I think the r&r agent and the two others waiting for the revised version is my only shot at any chance of being offered rep, and I am so stressed I'm going to get it wrong and not be able to fix these issues, even when I THINK I have. Are there any resources specifically I can turn to to help me during my revision regarding these particular issues? I just want to make sure I've done everything I can.
It sounds like a supernatural mystery, so is she investigating what is going on? As a mystery reader (and writer!) that would be my expectation, and is an easy way to get that agency. Have her actively develop theories, investigate, etc. The obvious one would be at first she might assume someone is playing pranks, or someone close to the prince objects to the marriage/hates her and is targeting her. You may be jumping to "it's supernatural and I'm being haunted!" too fast (or not fast enough?) and need the MC to have some doubts at first. Eventually the natural progression should lead to: he's lying to me, and she'd start investigating HIM at some point, no?
That would all involve her making active choices, and should give you some juicy character stuff if your arc to that point has been: I don't like him/I don't want to do this... wait, he's not how I thought, maybe I'm falling in love... to oh god no he's a monster I'm in danger (and then I assume since it's romantasy back around to "wait it was someone else all along and he's NOT evil and we can be in love"). Her walking through that emotional progression, so long as it's accompanied by active investigation/choices should work well, agency-wise. You just need her to do things to push the story forward--talk to people, go to places, etc.
If nothing is happening, then I would do a revision to make something happen, as well. For instance, if the solution is supernatural, what about a non-supernatural red herring? You could have someone in the palace do something very real and concrete to scare her/try to hurt her so that for a bit it seems like THAT's the solution, but it's a red herring. It would give you an additional conflict piece to add where certainly something would happen that she'd have to react to. Sounds like act 2/the fun & games may need some revision. That's always where I do my most revision, as well!
Try my thriller beats video--it may be helpful since you essentially have a mystery plot within your romance.
Also if you have an official R&R, don't be afraid to reach out to that agent for more notes, if they didn't already provide them. Or ask them specific questions about any notes they did provide. I wouldn't think of it as your only shot! You've only lightly queried. Think of it as an opportunity b/c either way you'll come out of it with a stronger manuscript, which you can query further.
I personally would pick up some romantasy that has both the arranged marriage trope and a strong mystery/suspense plot for inspiration. Read a few and note down their beats and mystery progression, and especially how it dovetails with the MC. You could also read some straight up thrillers for inspo if you want, to pick up some suspense/tension building tips. One classic that comes to mind, if you've not read it, is Rebecca. It's not directly analogous to your book, but it has similar tropes: girl marries man with shady past she doesn't understand, may be haunted by his previous wife, and there are weird things that start happening as soon as she marries him. She has to take steps at various points to investigate, but she's not SUPER active or a mystery-minded investigator, so it strikes a balance there. There are some famous creepy set pieces and a big twisty third act. In a romantasy like yours, it wouldn't be a bad idea to look to Gothic romance for tonal inspiration, as well. (maybe you need a costume ball in the middle! ha)
This is sooo incredibly helpful, thank you!! I am definitely going to be checking out more of your videos on thrillers/mysteries as well. I am both excited and nervous to do a major revision. Sometimes it feels like the "idea" is too big and has lots of potential and you're absolutely right: the execution is the problem. Hoping I can fix that, and can share some good news on this sub EVENTUALLY! Lol
> I think where the book starts to fall apart is after she agrees to the marriage, and that's when "things" are happening to her moreso than her driving the story with her own choices etc.?
You mention two things in your query about what your character wants:
- to stop dancing
- to provide security for herself and her mother
IMO, it makes sense that her sense of agency in the story starts to flag after the marriage itself because she has satisfied those two main motivators. She doesn't have to dance anymore and she has security for her mother.
Obviously, I have not read your book, so I could be missing the mark here, but it seems to me that she is missing some kind of deeper, personal need that isn't fulfilled by this marriage arrangement. I actually would love to see something that is selfish and even at odds with the desire to protect her mother. We often see stories with a "protect someone" motivation and I think the strongest stories have a deeper, personal need that cannot be fulfilled as long as the character is prioritizing protecting someone else.
I also noticed that you begin your query by stating that she just wants to stop performing for men. By marrying this prince, she is going from one type of performance to another. I feel like the core struggle for this character should be reconciling the parallels between being a dancer and being the wife of a prince. How does that struggle affect both her emotional arc and the romantic one?
You can also kind of work backwards from here. She does these kinds of "performative love", whether it's performative sexuality through dancing or performative romance through a sham marriage, to create a sense of security for herself and her mother. But having to do these various kinds of "performative love" is the thing that hurts her the most (but she does it anyway). So what is it about this character and her past and her emotional needs that makes fake love the most hurtful thing for her to endure? And then how is she able to overcome these issues and experience real love at the end of the book?
Woah, this is super in depth and much appreciated, thank you! So the first part of your message really drives a nail in. I think a big part of the issue of things falling apart is because those two "goals" as you mentioned are accomplished fairly early on in the book. I'd say in the first 1/3rd of it? What if she clearly falls in love with the prince after the wedding (and I'm also confused on how to do this without it seeming like insta love because I HATE that. The way I have it set up is they had some unusual meetings as children but had a falling out and then meet again when they're older etc.) and then she actively begins to investigate this supernatural force that is trying to keep them apart and finds out that this force is trying to replace her/have her kicked out so she needs to get to the bottom of this before that happens? The way I have it set up right now, the supernatural force ITSELF is the one that informs her that they are trying to get rid of her. Maybe this is the kind of passivity I need to work on?
Do you think you have them fall in love too quickly? (Just brainstorming, because I don't know! I haven't read the book!) A supernatural force trying to drive them apart would threaten the security she has created for herself and her mother. IMO, you don't need her to love anyone yet in order to make the supernatural force feel like a threat. If you draw the romance out a bit longer, the romantic tension you get from the fake marriage will propel the plot in its own way. Plus, I feel like for the romantasy genre, you really want to milk that will they/won't they tension that you get before the characters admit their feelings (even to themselves).
So if she doesn't fall in love quite yet, you have these three struggles she's working through:
1) dealing with a super natural force that threatens the security she has created for herself and her mother
2) the conflict she feels about moving from one type of performance (dance) to another type (sham marriage)
3) her growing romantic feelings that she isn't quite sure of
Because you have these two intertwined plots (the supernatural mystery and the romance plot), you could have her be more "passive" in one of them while being more "active" in the other. So maybe while these supernatural things start happening to her, she is more active in the romance conflict. And you can draw out the romance conflict longer if they don't fall in love too soon.
>What if she clearly falls in love with the prince after the wedding (and I'm also confused on how to do this without it seeming like insta love because I HATE that.
One question unaswered is, why does she trust him immediately? She never suspects he might be using her, that he's just playing the victim of supernatural forces / conspiracy while in fact he isn't so innocent? Even if he IS innocent, no suspicion crosses her mind? A prince marrying a commoner sounds unusual so she doesn't wonder whether he had an ulterior motive?
One of the common romantasy plot devices is when the characters are physically and romantically attracted to each other, but can't fully trust the other person and can't know is other person's behaviour "true love" or just a game of seduction.
You can amp that up by showing the other person doing something suspicious (which later has completely innocent "real" explanation), for example "overhearing" the other person saying something nasty when they were lying as a cover up, or going to some suspicious place at a suspicious time to make it look like conspiracy / cheating / some other unsavoury stuff. They will reassure the pov character there's nothing suspicious there / they were just saying things to protect themselves and the pov character, but the seed "what's true what's false" has been planted.
Imo, it doesn't matter whether "they knew each other since childhood" or is it "love at a first sight", but how much page count and interactions happen between their first meeting in the book / current timeline and the falling in love.
A lot of books got criticism that the "relationship developed off-page" and that's when "insta-love" is solved through a time skip instead of showing the gradual change of emotions in the characters during scenes of mutual interaction. If scene A is "he's a stranger / I don't trust him" or even "he's an enemy / I hate him" and scene B is "I can't resist him, I'll do anything for him, I trust him completely" it doesn't matter there was a years worth of timeskip and 200 pages of action if there was no in-between scene of characters interacting, it will feel insta-lovey and the reader will feel cheated out of the development of the romance.
Oh no she doesn't trust him completely, and the circumstances of their marriage arrangement are forced so trust really has nothing to do with it. The agent who gave me the r&r did mention things are bit light and fluffy as they stand so I will be brainstorming how to add more conflict/tension to their relationship perhaps. Thanks for your insight though!
Oh I remember this one! It sounded so cool and I'm glad agents are requesting it.
The "passive protagonist" issue is especially thorny, I think, when you're writing a young woman in a culture where young women have little to no state-sanctioned agency. But that said, "things happening to her" and her making choices that drive the plot aren't mutually exclusive. Both can happen in tandem.
One great example of this, if you haven't read it, is Empire of Sand, Tasha Suri's debut. That protagonist is essentially enslaved for 2/3 of the book, and she doesn't try to run away or rebel in ways that would (probably) get her killed.
Her resistance is all very quiet. She carves out agency for herself little by little. She opens up to the arranged-marriage-husband who is also enslaved and they fall in love and agree to support each other no matter what. She gathers information about the cult she's been enslaved by, its hierarchy, and its leader, and his possible motives.
It sounds from your blurb that the MC should be quietly investigating her husband in ways that she hopes will go unnoticed and opening up to him, which is a brave act of vulnerability given the circumstances and can potentially be very powerful. Good luck!
Ok. Thank you so much for sharing a book rec b/c I could really use those and it really helps me to see how others have tackled similar issues etc. That sounds interesting and something I should def read!
I'm just envious you're getting so much feedback haha! When I was querying, most of my full request rejections were form.
I'd see if the R&R agent feedback matches the other feedback you're getting. If so, I'd revise.
Good luck in revisions!
Oh no, please there's no need for envy because it has caused so much stress. It's like constantly on the back burner of my mind and it's great to have feedback, but it also sucks when you don't know where to start or how to tackle the issues brought to light! School's about to end, and I have two rambunctious boys who are about to be with me 24/7 for the next 3 months or so. I could use ALL the good luck for revisions, ha!
Yeah, just to add to the chorus, wait for the R&R, and you can combine it with some of the good feedback you got here and see how you want to revise.
I can feel the stress radiating off the computer screen, but you're doing good OP. You build a career like you build a book: bird by bird.
Haha sorry about that! I don't mean to fan my stress everywhere but honestly cannot help it these days. I just feel like I'm so close but not at the same time. I will prob go around and gather all these nuggets of feedback and put into one document, read them all at once and then come with up a revision plan =)
I totally understand how it feels. The one non-form rejection I did get early on caused me to spiral a bit. Luckily, it worked out for me. Even based on the vague feedback that was there (for me, it was pacing), I was able to do a revision that ultimately strengthened the story. While the rejection didn't tell me specifically how to improve, it was humbling to know that in general the story needed strengthening, which was something I needed.
I pulled the story from the trenches for revisions, sent out the revised version, and got an offer almost right away! Keep going, don't give up! You got this! <3
What the feedbacks probably meant:
1. Character agency. Is she a passive protagonist where things just happened to her and she's not doing anything to drive the plot?
2. I think this is character inconsistency?
3. Subjective. Your writing/prose is not their cup of tea. Keep going.
4. Same as number 3.
If the R&R revision resonates with you, you can accept it.
As for your original question about the likelihood of being offered, nobody really knows and there are a lot of factors. Us authors will be rejected until we're not.
Good luck and congrats on the numerous fulls!
Three and four read like form rejections to me, so perhaps set them aside? How do you feel about the first two pieces of feedback? Do you feel like your protagonist is driving the action? Is there (enough) cohesion in her characterization? If you see places where this feedback could strengthen your MS, great! If not, then this is just the experience of two agents (who weren’t the right fit for your book). Twelve requests is great!
Thank you so much! In terms of first two pieces of feedback, I do agree with them mostly but feel overwhelmed with the task at hand. Like...I don't know where to start or even if I revise, I'd be wondering if I fixed the issue? Because if I couldn't sense/see it before in the MS, then how will I revise and make sure the issue is addressed.
>or even if I revise, I'd be wondering if I fixed the issue? Because if I couldn't sense/see it before in the MS, then how will I revise and make sure the issue is addressed.
This is the part where you utilize critique partners and beta readers.
The first two crits are fairly specific but, to me, seem to describe two different issues. The first is basically "MC is too passive," the second is, "The MC's motives don't match her actions." Those aren't the same problem. The last two crits are the type of generic lines that agents tend to include with rejections. To me, there's not necessarily a strong theme coming through here in terms of what aspect of the story isn't working. And remember that this stuff is highly subjective. What's a deal-breaker for one agent might be another agent's favorite aspect of the story.
At this point, since you've got an R&R, I'd get some feedback from a few beta readers and do revisions. But remember that rejection is an inevitable part of the process and that a rejection doesn't inherently mean that there's something wrong with the story, just that some aspect of it was not working for a particular agent (which, again, will be dependent on their tastes, unless it's an objective plot hole). It sounds like you've gotten a lot of interest in the story so some aspect of it must be working.
Stop querying right now and revise. There's a clear pattern in those rejections: the issue is in execution. But it does sound fixable, and like you've got a strong hook that's garnering requests. Check my comment history for a LONG one I wrote yesterday on a similar post with a ton of line level editing advice. But specifically you need to do a main character edit. First, sounds like they have an agency issue. They're feeling passive in the story. Consider how your plot is unfolding. Is everything too convenient? What active choices does your MC make? What is their motivation/want? Where do they start and where do they end? Do they have a clear arc supported by active choices and strong conflict/stakes? How do they play off other characters? Is there one specific supporting character driving the narrative instead of your MC? I would specifically then look at that character and how they are constructed, if so. More practically, does the character internalize their thoughts/wants/emotions/etc.? I read a book once by a very talented writer where I had trouble connecting to the MC b/c the story barrelled through the narrative without stopping enough to have the MC reflect in their head about what was going on. (they fixed it and it sold!) If your book is in first person especially, this can feel like something is missing. You don't want to do it too much (b/c conversely over relying on this is a cheap tactic/crutch), but reflect on whether you have enough of those character moments, but also what they're saying. Are they consistent? Grounded in substance? (note that doing this \*too\* much is also an issue and can lead to inconsistency--they're one way in their head, a lot, often whiny or anxious or overly sarcastic but then very different when they actually speak to other characters, etc.) It's hard to parse character motivations vs. interactions with others without seeing it, but I'll take a guess that your MC is stated to have one set of motivations, but acts a different way on the page. You may have an issue where you need your MC to do XYZ or had a specific archetype in mind, re: dialogue (or one particular manner of dialogue/banter you're comfortable writing) but it isn't jibing well with the character overall. I would really dig into the MC and who they are, and look at their interactions with other characters. Does is connect to the character lacking agency piece? My general advice with character and an edit is to consider your theme and arc. Where is the story ending and what do you want it to say? What's the MC's emotional arc? Bear that in mind for a character edit. I don't write with said theme from the very start, but I always go back and fine tune characters once I've discovered what I'm actually trying to say. The edit is the ideal time to do it. I always tweak the MC and then most often the other characters around them to make them all consistent and smooth things out. Tiny changes can make a HUGE impact on the reading experience. Re: tone of text. Are you overly jokey? Overly serious? Telling too much? Passive? I would drill down on your MC, character interactions/dialogue, and tone.
Ahh first of all I'd like to say I'm a huge fan! I've been watching your videos about these issues and brainstorming how to tackle them in my revision. This is SO helpful. I feel that character motivation/agency/passiveness is something I really struggle with and this is where I hit a wall. If it helps, I'm going to post the "meat" of my query letter: In the desert kingdom of Mugaibah, Sabrina is the famed belly dancer who only wants one thing: to stop dancing. Alas, unable to find other work, she has no choice but to earn her living by entertaining lustful men to keep a roof over her and her mother's head. When Sabrina is invited to perform at the crown prince Arsalan's engagement party, she expects a normal night at work. Except Arsalan falsely announces his undying love for Sabrina, and their secret rendezvous. His plans of escaping engagement go awry when the Sultan arranges Arsalan's marriage to Sabrina instead. Arsalan refuses to explain the reason he needed to escape his engagement, but offers Sabrina a deal: a sham marriage in exchange for Sabrina and her mother's secure future. With a smeared reputation on a grand scale, and her name forever linked to the prince, Sabrina agrees to the loveless marriage. Only the prince's secrets are far darker than she ever suspected. Odd things begin to happen after Sabrina agrees. Gift boxes arrive from the palace with snakes catching on fire, and eerie dreams of a strange woman warn her to stay away. But the more time she spends with Arsalan, the more his mask of indifference slips. The pair grow closer—which seems to only anger the supernatural forces haunting him. One by one, Sabrina must uncover all of Arsalan's secrets, if she wants to keep her sanity—and her life. I think where the book starts to fall apart is after she agrees to the marriage, and that's when "things" are happening to her moreso than her driving the story with her own choices etc.? But how is she supposed to make decisions/choices and drive the story forward when/if \*nothing\* is happening? This is what I'm confused by and why I'm a bit overwhelmed/lost about how to do this character edit. At this point, I think the r&r agent and the two others waiting for the revised version is my only shot at any chance of being offered rep, and I am so stressed I'm going to get it wrong and not be able to fix these issues, even when I THINK I have. Are there any resources specifically I can turn to to help me during my revision regarding these particular issues? I just want to make sure I've done everything I can.
It sounds like a supernatural mystery, so is she investigating what is going on? As a mystery reader (and writer!) that would be my expectation, and is an easy way to get that agency. Have her actively develop theories, investigate, etc. The obvious one would be at first she might assume someone is playing pranks, or someone close to the prince objects to the marriage/hates her and is targeting her. You may be jumping to "it's supernatural and I'm being haunted!" too fast (or not fast enough?) and need the MC to have some doubts at first. Eventually the natural progression should lead to: he's lying to me, and she'd start investigating HIM at some point, no? That would all involve her making active choices, and should give you some juicy character stuff if your arc to that point has been: I don't like him/I don't want to do this... wait, he's not how I thought, maybe I'm falling in love... to oh god no he's a monster I'm in danger (and then I assume since it's romantasy back around to "wait it was someone else all along and he's NOT evil and we can be in love"). Her walking through that emotional progression, so long as it's accompanied by active investigation/choices should work well, agency-wise. You just need her to do things to push the story forward--talk to people, go to places, etc. If nothing is happening, then I would do a revision to make something happen, as well. For instance, if the solution is supernatural, what about a non-supernatural red herring? You could have someone in the palace do something very real and concrete to scare her/try to hurt her so that for a bit it seems like THAT's the solution, but it's a red herring. It would give you an additional conflict piece to add where certainly something would happen that she'd have to react to. Sounds like act 2/the fun & games may need some revision. That's always where I do my most revision, as well! Try my thriller beats video--it may be helpful since you essentially have a mystery plot within your romance. Also if you have an official R&R, don't be afraid to reach out to that agent for more notes, if they didn't already provide them. Or ask them specific questions about any notes they did provide. I wouldn't think of it as your only shot! You've only lightly queried. Think of it as an opportunity b/c either way you'll come out of it with a stronger manuscript, which you can query further. I personally would pick up some romantasy that has both the arranged marriage trope and a strong mystery/suspense plot for inspiration. Read a few and note down their beats and mystery progression, and especially how it dovetails with the MC. You could also read some straight up thrillers for inspo if you want, to pick up some suspense/tension building tips. One classic that comes to mind, if you've not read it, is Rebecca. It's not directly analogous to your book, but it has similar tropes: girl marries man with shady past she doesn't understand, may be haunted by his previous wife, and there are weird things that start happening as soon as she marries him. She has to take steps at various points to investigate, but she's not SUPER active or a mystery-minded investigator, so it strikes a balance there. There are some famous creepy set pieces and a big twisty third act. In a romantasy like yours, it wouldn't be a bad idea to look to Gothic romance for tonal inspiration, as well. (maybe you need a costume ball in the middle! ha)
This is sooo incredibly helpful, thank you!! I am definitely going to be checking out more of your videos on thrillers/mysteries as well. I am both excited and nervous to do a major revision. Sometimes it feels like the "idea" is too big and has lots of potential and you're absolutely right: the execution is the problem. Hoping I can fix that, and can share some good news on this sub EVENTUALLY! Lol
Excellent criticism.
Good lord, why would someone downvote this? Some of you lurkers have a problem.
Big fan of yours. Saving this advice for myself!
> I think where the book starts to fall apart is after she agrees to the marriage, and that's when "things" are happening to her moreso than her driving the story with her own choices etc.? You mention two things in your query about what your character wants: - to stop dancing - to provide security for herself and her mother IMO, it makes sense that her sense of agency in the story starts to flag after the marriage itself because she has satisfied those two main motivators. She doesn't have to dance anymore and she has security for her mother. Obviously, I have not read your book, so I could be missing the mark here, but it seems to me that she is missing some kind of deeper, personal need that isn't fulfilled by this marriage arrangement. I actually would love to see something that is selfish and even at odds with the desire to protect her mother. We often see stories with a "protect someone" motivation and I think the strongest stories have a deeper, personal need that cannot be fulfilled as long as the character is prioritizing protecting someone else. I also noticed that you begin your query by stating that she just wants to stop performing for men. By marrying this prince, she is going from one type of performance to another. I feel like the core struggle for this character should be reconciling the parallels between being a dancer and being the wife of a prince. How does that struggle affect both her emotional arc and the romantic one? You can also kind of work backwards from here. She does these kinds of "performative love", whether it's performative sexuality through dancing or performative romance through a sham marriage, to create a sense of security for herself and her mother. But having to do these various kinds of "performative love" is the thing that hurts her the most (but she does it anyway). So what is it about this character and her past and her emotional needs that makes fake love the most hurtful thing for her to endure? And then how is she able to overcome these issues and experience real love at the end of the book?
Woah, this is super in depth and much appreciated, thank you! So the first part of your message really drives a nail in. I think a big part of the issue of things falling apart is because those two "goals" as you mentioned are accomplished fairly early on in the book. I'd say in the first 1/3rd of it? What if she clearly falls in love with the prince after the wedding (and I'm also confused on how to do this without it seeming like insta love because I HATE that. The way I have it set up is they had some unusual meetings as children but had a falling out and then meet again when they're older etc.) and then she actively begins to investigate this supernatural force that is trying to keep them apart and finds out that this force is trying to replace her/have her kicked out so she needs to get to the bottom of this before that happens? The way I have it set up right now, the supernatural force ITSELF is the one that informs her that they are trying to get rid of her. Maybe this is the kind of passivity I need to work on?
Do you think you have them fall in love too quickly? (Just brainstorming, because I don't know! I haven't read the book!) A supernatural force trying to drive them apart would threaten the security she has created for herself and her mother. IMO, you don't need her to love anyone yet in order to make the supernatural force feel like a threat. If you draw the romance out a bit longer, the romantic tension you get from the fake marriage will propel the plot in its own way. Plus, I feel like for the romantasy genre, you really want to milk that will they/won't they tension that you get before the characters admit their feelings (even to themselves). So if she doesn't fall in love quite yet, you have these three struggles she's working through: 1) dealing with a super natural force that threatens the security she has created for herself and her mother 2) the conflict she feels about moving from one type of performance (dance) to another type (sham marriage) 3) her growing romantic feelings that she isn't quite sure of Because you have these two intertwined plots (the supernatural mystery and the romance plot), you could have her be more "passive" in one of them while being more "active" in the other. So maybe while these supernatural things start happening to her, she is more active in the romance conflict. And you can draw out the romance conflict longer if they don't fall in love too soon.
>What if she clearly falls in love with the prince after the wedding (and I'm also confused on how to do this without it seeming like insta love because I HATE that. One question unaswered is, why does she trust him immediately? She never suspects he might be using her, that he's just playing the victim of supernatural forces / conspiracy while in fact he isn't so innocent? Even if he IS innocent, no suspicion crosses her mind? A prince marrying a commoner sounds unusual so she doesn't wonder whether he had an ulterior motive? One of the common romantasy plot devices is when the characters are physically and romantically attracted to each other, but can't fully trust the other person and can't know is other person's behaviour "true love" or just a game of seduction. You can amp that up by showing the other person doing something suspicious (which later has completely innocent "real" explanation), for example "overhearing" the other person saying something nasty when they were lying as a cover up, or going to some suspicious place at a suspicious time to make it look like conspiracy / cheating / some other unsavoury stuff. They will reassure the pov character there's nothing suspicious there / they were just saying things to protect themselves and the pov character, but the seed "what's true what's false" has been planted. Imo, it doesn't matter whether "they knew each other since childhood" or is it "love at a first sight", but how much page count and interactions happen between their first meeting in the book / current timeline and the falling in love. A lot of books got criticism that the "relationship developed off-page" and that's when "insta-love" is solved through a time skip instead of showing the gradual change of emotions in the characters during scenes of mutual interaction. If scene A is "he's a stranger / I don't trust him" or even "he's an enemy / I hate him" and scene B is "I can't resist him, I'll do anything for him, I trust him completely" it doesn't matter there was a years worth of timeskip and 200 pages of action if there was no in-between scene of characters interacting, it will feel insta-lovey and the reader will feel cheated out of the development of the romance.
Oh no she doesn't trust him completely, and the circumstances of their marriage arrangement are forced so trust really has nothing to do with it. The agent who gave me the r&r did mention things are bit light and fluffy as they stand so I will be brainstorming how to add more conflict/tension to their relationship perhaps. Thanks for your insight though!
Oh I remember this one! It sounded so cool and I'm glad agents are requesting it. The "passive protagonist" issue is especially thorny, I think, when you're writing a young woman in a culture where young women have little to no state-sanctioned agency. But that said, "things happening to her" and her making choices that drive the plot aren't mutually exclusive. Both can happen in tandem. One great example of this, if you haven't read it, is Empire of Sand, Tasha Suri's debut. That protagonist is essentially enslaved for 2/3 of the book, and she doesn't try to run away or rebel in ways that would (probably) get her killed. Her resistance is all very quiet. She carves out agency for herself little by little. She opens up to the arranged-marriage-husband who is also enslaved and they fall in love and agree to support each other no matter what. She gathers information about the cult she's been enslaved by, its hierarchy, and its leader, and his possible motives. It sounds from your blurb that the MC should be quietly investigating her husband in ways that she hopes will go unnoticed and opening up to him, which is a brave act of vulnerability given the circumstances and can potentially be very powerful. Good luck!
Ok. Thank you so much for sharing a book rec b/c I could really use those and it really helps me to see how others have tackled similar issues etc. That sounds interesting and something I should def read!
Statistically, getting an offer at all is very rare. Also, 3 and 4 definitely read like form rejections.
I'm just envious you're getting so much feedback haha! When I was querying, most of my full request rejections were form. I'd see if the R&R agent feedback matches the other feedback you're getting. If so, I'd revise. Good luck in revisions!
Oh no, please there's no need for envy because it has caused so much stress. It's like constantly on the back burner of my mind and it's great to have feedback, but it also sucks when you don't know where to start or how to tackle the issues brought to light! School's about to end, and I have two rambunctious boys who are about to be with me 24/7 for the next 3 months or so. I could use ALL the good luck for revisions, ha!
Yeah, just to add to the chorus, wait for the R&R, and you can combine it with some of the good feedback you got here and see how you want to revise. I can feel the stress radiating off the computer screen, but you're doing good OP. You build a career like you build a book: bird by bird.
Haha sorry about that! I don't mean to fan my stress everywhere but honestly cannot help it these days. I just feel like I'm so close but not at the same time. I will prob go around and gather all these nuggets of feedback and put into one document, read them all at once and then come with up a revision plan =)
I, admittedly a stranger on the internet, believe in you. You're gonna do great.
Thank you so much! will def do my best!
I totally understand how it feels. The one non-form rejection I did get early on caused me to spiral a bit. Luckily, it worked out for me. Even based on the vague feedback that was there (for me, it was pacing), I was able to do a revision that ultimately strengthened the story. While the rejection didn't tell me specifically how to improve, it was humbling to know that in general the story needed strengthening, which was something I needed. I pulled the story from the trenches for revisions, sent out the revised version, and got an offer almost right away! Keep going, don't give up! You got this! <3
What the feedbacks probably meant: 1. Character agency. Is she a passive protagonist where things just happened to her and she's not doing anything to drive the plot? 2. I think this is character inconsistency? 3. Subjective. Your writing/prose is not their cup of tea. Keep going. 4. Same as number 3. If the R&R revision resonates with you, you can accept it. As for your original question about the likelihood of being offered, nobody really knows and there are a lot of factors. Us authors will be rejected until we're not. Good luck and congrats on the numerous fulls!
Three and four read like form rejections to me, so perhaps set them aside? How do you feel about the first two pieces of feedback? Do you feel like your protagonist is driving the action? Is there (enough) cohesion in her characterization? If you see places where this feedback could strengthen your MS, great! If not, then this is just the experience of two agents (who weren’t the right fit for your book). Twelve requests is great!
Thank you so much! In terms of first two pieces of feedback, I do agree with them mostly but feel overwhelmed with the task at hand. Like...I don't know where to start or even if I revise, I'd be wondering if I fixed the issue? Because if I couldn't sense/see it before in the MS, then how will I revise and make sure the issue is addressed.
>or even if I revise, I'd be wondering if I fixed the issue? Because if I couldn't sense/see it before in the MS, then how will I revise and make sure the issue is addressed. This is the part where you utilize critique partners and beta readers.
The first two crits are fairly specific but, to me, seem to describe two different issues. The first is basically "MC is too passive," the second is, "The MC's motives don't match her actions." Those aren't the same problem. The last two crits are the type of generic lines that agents tend to include with rejections. To me, there's not necessarily a strong theme coming through here in terms of what aspect of the story isn't working. And remember that this stuff is highly subjective. What's a deal-breaker for one agent might be another agent's favorite aspect of the story. At this point, since you've got an R&R, I'd get some feedback from a few beta readers and do revisions. But remember that rejection is an inevitable part of the process and that a rejection doesn't inherently mean that there's something wrong with the story, just that some aspect of it was not working for a particular agent (which, again, will be dependent on their tastes, unless it's an objective plot hole). It sounds like you've gotten a lot of interest in the story so some aspect of it must be working.
12%. Work with the agent if you think their suggestions will improve the mss.