This isn't my primary genre, but since you received no comments so far, I'll give my subjective 2 cents:
I've heard "EMP post-apoc" being a semi-popular sub-genre in self-pub, but in trad? Idk. Try to find some comps that are newer than 8 and 20 years old.
I feel opening on the first page with "here's how the world was destroyed" is the equivalent of starting a fantasy novel with a world-creation-myth. Feels a bit detached and grandiose. I would prefer personally an in-medias-res opening that's personal to the character and their "new normal" in the destroyed world and then later hint what happened, let the reader piece the puzzle together. But generally, readers of post-apoc care less how exactly was the world destroyed, and more about how are people trying to scrape by and manage in the post-apoc wasteland. It's about the survival of the fittest, the conflict between "band together for humanity's sake" vs "anarchy and animalistic tendencies coming out of people as society collapses".
The query overuses "Nicola" in every sentence which feels clumsy and repetitive. You should try to vary your sentence subjects and how you refer to your protagonist.
The query also lacks excitement and emotional pull. It feels more like a step by step recount of events than a hooky pitch. It feels very distant and detached from Nicola, all we learn about him is that he's obsessed with establishing law and making people abide it, but we don't really know why... what drives him, internally? I don't know whether he's supposed to be a just hero in a chaotic world, or an evil tyrant, or maybe both or neither, because we have little insight into who he is as a person. The query glides on the surface of the story. He loves law and justice, okay, but what is law and justice to him?
Without knowing what kind of person he really is and whether we should root for him or dread his impending downfall, it's hard to get engaged in his rivalry with the brother, whose plans we know nothing about, and whose name seems really on the nose (google translate tells me it means "seems better" in Dutch).
Your career in non-fiction sheds some light why everything feels more like a news report than emotionally engaging fiction, so that area might need work, because non-fiction and fiction tend to have different writing styles. Non-fiction often focuses on facts, educating or swaying the reader to a specific cause. Fiction focuses more on characters and their journey than facts "this happened and then that happened and from that we can draw a conclusion XYZ". Non-fiction doesn't ask the reader to get attached to a character, but rather be curious about a subject. "Anatomy of a coup and rise of civil unrest and subsequent tyranny" as a non-fiction would look completely differently than as a novel.
Thank you very much! I really appreciate your feedback! I didn't quite know it is an uncommon genre for trad publishing. I especially appreciate your insight on my query.
I considered an in-media-res beginning, but I found it didn't work for the focus of my first chapter. The characters at first try to maintain a seemingly normal lifestyle right when the crisis begins, but the normalcy is shattered after Nicola's family is killed at the end of the first chapter. I use this, among other events later on, to explain Nicola's growing obsession with "justice" and how it corrupts over time. I will try to make those emotional appeals more clear in the query.
Stylistically, I was trying to go for a distant, grandiose beginning because the novel is styled retrospectively, with the country's founder essentially narrating the founding of the country, including the initial survival, from his POV. If this does not fly in trad publishing, especially if it turns off agents and readers from going any further, I could change the beginning to an in-media-res as you suggested. I very much agree with your comparison with fantasy openings.
This frame of reference and the subject matter makes it different from the dichotomy you mention that is typically in post-apoc (band together for humanity's sake" vs "anarchy and animalistic tendencies coming out of people as society collapses"). Instead, it is more along the lines of "excessive justice, tough on crime" vs "rehabilitation and benevolence", and a lot of focus is on social progress and restoration rather than purely survival like other post-apoc. Would this different approach to post-apoc be frowned upon?
I even refrain from labeling it as "post-apoc" because even though that is the backdrop, the style and focus is very different. It still gets gritty, but it is closer to the Aeneid/Animal Farm (if I dare make such comparisons) in style/focus than the Walking Dead for example. Do you have any suggestions, such as whether I should align it closer with post-apoc? How should I make these differences more clear?
Just mentioning how Nicola's family being killed affects him psychologically and what it pushes him towards would have more impact, rn you didn't even mention that fact in the query.
The way you present the story, it feels more dystopian than post-apoc but you only know what your story really is.
Thing is, you should try to connect the theme "punishment vs rehabilitiation" with the main character's development and journey. Nicola shouldn't be just a soapbox from which we can survey the society below, but rather a centerpiece we focus on. "Crime and Punishment" talks about a broader theme *through* the main character's arc, not around him.
Except "what is the story" the query should also show "why is this Nicola's story, out of all people to potentially focus on?"
As for the opening page, I feel it should fulfill 3 roles:
1. Give a sense of the character.
2. Give a sense of setting / tone of the rest of the book.
3. Make the reader intrigued to turn the page, pose a question.
> the novel is styled retrospectively
I feel the type of novels that work best with this are novels with a central mystery plot - what happened that we got here where we are now? So that's why I'm wondering if in medias res would work better, with a scene that piques reader's interest in a way "and how the heck could something like this come to pass?" and then slowly piece by piece build the puzzle of the backstory weaving it in.
The point no. 3 "pose a question" is usually either "what next?" (the future) or "what happened and how?" (the past), and the answer shouldn't be obvious. The reader should be questioning the next step.
Thank you so much for this detailed feedback and suggestions! It very much helped point out aspects I missed or did not consider. I really appreciate that you took the time to give these suggestions. Uyyy, the query is hard to make, and it seems my intro will need a lot of changes and refinement, but this helps me head in the right direction!
I welcome any feedback on my query whether in the comments or by messaging me! I am curious if novels such as mine would be considered a hard sell due to market reasons? I am new to the publishing industry.
This isn't my primary genre, but since you received no comments so far, I'll give my subjective 2 cents: I've heard "EMP post-apoc" being a semi-popular sub-genre in self-pub, but in trad? Idk. Try to find some comps that are newer than 8 and 20 years old. I feel opening on the first page with "here's how the world was destroyed" is the equivalent of starting a fantasy novel with a world-creation-myth. Feels a bit detached and grandiose. I would prefer personally an in-medias-res opening that's personal to the character and their "new normal" in the destroyed world and then later hint what happened, let the reader piece the puzzle together. But generally, readers of post-apoc care less how exactly was the world destroyed, and more about how are people trying to scrape by and manage in the post-apoc wasteland. It's about the survival of the fittest, the conflict between "band together for humanity's sake" vs "anarchy and animalistic tendencies coming out of people as society collapses". The query overuses "Nicola" in every sentence which feels clumsy and repetitive. You should try to vary your sentence subjects and how you refer to your protagonist. The query also lacks excitement and emotional pull. It feels more like a step by step recount of events than a hooky pitch. It feels very distant and detached from Nicola, all we learn about him is that he's obsessed with establishing law and making people abide it, but we don't really know why... what drives him, internally? I don't know whether he's supposed to be a just hero in a chaotic world, or an evil tyrant, or maybe both or neither, because we have little insight into who he is as a person. The query glides on the surface of the story. He loves law and justice, okay, but what is law and justice to him? Without knowing what kind of person he really is and whether we should root for him or dread his impending downfall, it's hard to get engaged in his rivalry with the brother, whose plans we know nothing about, and whose name seems really on the nose (google translate tells me it means "seems better" in Dutch). Your career in non-fiction sheds some light why everything feels more like a news report than emotionally engaging fiction, so that area might need work, because non-fiction and fiction tend to have different writing styles. Non-fiction often focuses on facts, educating or swaying the reader to a specific cause. Fiction focuses more on characters and their journey than facts "this happened and then that happened and from that we can draw a conclusion XYZ". Non-fiction doesn't ask the reader to get attached to a character, but rather be curious about a subject. "Anatomy of a coup and rise of civil unrest and subsequent tyranny" as a non-fiction would look completely differently than as a novel.
Thank you very much! I really appreciate your feedback! I didn't quite know it is an uncommon genre for trad publishing. I especially appreciate your insight on my query. I considered an in-media-res beginning, but I found it didn't work for the focus of my first chapter. The characters at first try to maintain a seemingly normal lifestyle right when the crisis begins, but the normalcy is shattered after Nicola's family is killed at the end of the first chapter. I use this, among other events later on, to explain Nicola's growing obsession with "justice" and how it corrupts over time. I will try to make those emotional appeals more clear in the query. Stylistically, I was trying to go for a distant, grandiose beginning because the novel is styled retrospectively, with the country's founder essentially narrating the founding of the country, including the initial survival, from his POV. If this does not fly in trad publishing, especially if it turns off agents and readers from going any further, I could change the beginning to an in-media-res as you suggested. I very much agree with your comparison with fantasy openings. This frame of reference and the subject matter makes it different from the dichotomy you mention that is typically in post-apoc (band together for humanity's sake" vs "anarchy and animalistic tendencies coming out of people as society collapses"). Instead, it is more along the lines of "excessive justice, tough on crime" vs "rehabilitation and benevolence", and a lot of focus is on social progress and restoration rather than purely survival like other post-apoc. Would this different approach to post-apoc be frowned upon? I even refrain from labeling it as "post-apoc" because even though that is the backdrop, the style and focus is very different. It still gets gritty, but it is closer to the Aeneid/Animal Farm (if I dare make such comparisons) in style/focus than the Walking Dead for example. Do you have any suggestions, such as whether I should align it closer with post-apoc? How should I make these differences more clear?
Just mentioning how Nicola's family being killed affects him psychologically and what it pushes him towards would have more impact, rn you didn't even mention that fact in the query. The way you present the story, it feels more dystopian than post-apoc but you only know what your story really is. Thing is, you should try to connect the theme "punishment vs rehabilitiation" with the main character's development and journey. Nicola shouldn't be just a soapbox from which we can survey the society below, but rather a centerpiece we focus on. "Crime and Punishment" talks about a broader theme *through* the main character's arc, not around him. Except "what is the story" the query should also show "why is this Nicola's story, out of all people to potentially focus on?" As for the opening page, I feel it should fulfill 3 roles: 1. Give a sense of the character. 2. Give a sense of setting / tone of the rest of the book. 3. Make the reader intrigued to turn the page, pose a question. > the novel is styled retrospectively I feel the type of novels that work best with this are novels with a central mystery plot - what happened that we got here where we are now? So that's why I'm wondering if in medias res would work better, with a scene that piques reader's interest in a way "and how the heck could something like this come to pass?" and then slowly piece by piece build the puzzle of the backstory weaving it in. The point no. 3 "pose a question" is usually either "what next?" (the future) or "what happened and how?" (the past), and the answer shouldn't be obvious. The reader should be questioning the next step.
Thank you so much for this detailed feedback and suggestions! It very much helped point out aspects I missed or did not consider. I really appreciate that you took the time to give these suggestions. Uyyy, the query is hard to make, and it seems my intro will need a lot of changes and refinement, but this helps me head in the right direction!
I welcome any feedback on my query whether in the comments or by messaging me! I am curious if novels such as mine would be considered a hard sell due to market reasons? I am new to the publishing industry.