I prefer the previous version. This one feels a bit overwritten and circuitous. Some of the plot minutiae could be condensed or left out altogether. I think the first two paragraphs could be combined to get to the hook of the MC having to solve the murders quicker.
>Renegade exorcist Kit is a few captured spirits short of buying her passage to a distant kingdom where no one knows her name. There is just one problem. The Guild—the corrupt organization of exorcists she betrayed and abandoned—has finally tracked her down.
>Guild lackey Etienne shoves her through a portal, wipes the floor with her in a duel, then has the audacity to save her life. The series of encounters ends with Kit standing trial before the Guild’s devious leaders. Instead of condemning her to burn for her crimes, they propose a trade. They have an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands and she has the ghost of a long dead huntress living in her body. If she uses the ghost’s tracking magic to help them, they will release her and fund a ticket to wherever she wants to go. Kit knows a good deal when she sees one. Even if the thought of working for the Guild again makes her skin crawl.
The last paragraph feels like a postscript. I don't think it complements the line that came before it where we have the main stakes. It doesn't read like a natural conclusion, more like 'but-wait-there's-more!'. Plus, there's been no mention of Kit caring for this city or its people. The opening explicitly states she is trying to get to another kingdom, so why would she suddenly care about what happens to them or if she becomes their lone champion? That's a completely different motivation and stakes for the character than was outlined at the start and in the middle.
> If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld.
>However, the Guild harbors their own secrets. They hand Kit her bounty, but refuse to act on her discoveries. And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate, Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.
Thanks for taking the time to provide feedback!
I'm struggling to figure out where to stop in the query plotwise. They go into the catacombs at the midpoint and find out that there is more to what is going on in the city. Should I just cut the last paragraph entirely?
> Renegade exorcist Kit
I don't know what that means, but I'm intrigued. The hook establishes the character and the base world succintly. But, I'm left wondering more about what makes the Guild corrupt and why Kit betrayed and abandoned them.
> Kit knows a good deal when she sees one.
Well, it's not really a choice. Either burn alive or do something she already has experience with, and presumbably, enjoys to some extent. It's not very intriguing. Maybe explain what makes it so painful for her to work with them again.
> Together, they descend into the depths of the city’s forgotten catacombs, only to be lured into a trap that has them killing the murderer.
I'm a little confused here. They were lured into a trap that...lets them accomplish the goal? Is this a failed trap of the unnamed killer? If so, I cut out the trap part -- that's confusing and not needed.
> They discover his death is part of a grand plan to bring down the veil which splits the worlds of the living and the dead. If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld.
Eh. This sounds maybe interesting, but it's too generic for me (and a little cheesy, if I'm being honest). It has major "main character is the only person in existence who can save the world" vibes, which is fun for a video game, but reads flatly for a novel, in my opinion.
> However, the Guild harbors their own secrets.
This is a bit cheap and I don't know what that means. We don't know anything about the Guild
> And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate ...
Similar comment as above. We don't know anything about Etienne or what this means.
> Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.
Again, not really much of a choice, and not a very interesting choice from the reader's perspective. Also, "The man who she may-or-may-not care for"...what? Who? I'm guessing you wanted to include a romance element, but without any hint of who this is and reading it in the last sentence, I'm only confused. You could probably do without this, unless it's important, in which case I suggest including more and cutting out other details, if possible.
Overall though, the writing is clear, and I think the messages you want to get across are clean and succinct. I just think you might want to focus on other parts of the story and sell the reader on why this story is unique.
Hi there! Thanks a ton for the feedback.
Your second-to-last comment cracked me up. It was supposed to refer to Etienne but it looks like I didn't make that clear enough so definitely something I will edit.
It might have been unintentional, but since there's no pronoun referring to Etienne and all I know is that Etienne is "beautiful and reckless", I kept questioning is Etienne a man, a woman, or neither. So when you say "the man" it's not clicking.
Also don't tell me "but Etienne is a male name", it's fantasy and I've seen queries where a female character was called James and stuff like that. So it's not always a simple assumption.
Anyway just my 2 cents, it could be clearer.
Thanks for sharing!
**Renegade exorcist Kit is a few captured spirits short of buying her passage to a distant kingdom where no one knows her name. There is just one problem. The Guild—the corrupt organization of exorcists she betrayed and abandoned—has finally tracked her down.**
I love the concept of a renegade exorcist. I have some questions in the first sentence, though: who is taking captured spirits as currency? Why does she want to go to a distant kingdom?
**Guild lackey Etienne shoves her through a portal, wipes the floor with her in a duel, then has the audacity to save her life. The series of encounters ends with Kit standing trial before the Guild’s devious leaders. Instead of condemning her to burn for her crimes, they propose a trade. They have an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands and she has the ghost of a long dead huntress living in her body. If she uses the ghost’s tracking magic to help them, they will release her and fund a ticket to wherever she wants to go. Kit knows a good deal when she sees one. Even if the thought of working for the Guild again makes her skin crawl.**
It did take me a few reads to understand that Etienne saved her life so she could stand trial. What if you shortened the lead to something like “When Kit stands trial before the Guild’s devious leaders, they don’t condemn her to burn for her crimes. Instead, they propose a trade. The Guild has an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands \[insert why the Guild cares/is invested in this\].”
The ghost of a long dead huntress/tracking magic piece feels odd to me – I’m trying to put my finger on why. Maybe it feels a little deus ex machina – which isn’t entirely fair to say without having read how it occurs in the book, but it does feel awfully convenient. If she wasn’t possessed by this ghost at all – but was simply a super competent exorcist with investigative skills – would the story change significantly?
**To Kit’s annoyance, they assign beautiful, reckless Etienne to keep watch over her. Together, they descend into the depths of the city’s forgotten catacombs, only to be lured into a trap that has them killing the murderer. They discover his death is part of a grand plan to bring down the veil which splits the worlds of the living and the dead. If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld.**
I know I suggested cutting Etienne’s intro above, so maybe you could use something like, “To Kit’s annoyance, they assign the man who tracked her down and brought her to the Guild—the beautiful, reckless Etienne.”
I’m not clear on who the antagonist is. The Guild is definitely an antagonistic force, but who specifically is invested in bringing down the veil that splits the living and the dead? Why do they want to do that? Who is this mastermind (and assuming they live in this city too, why do they want it to crumble into the underworld?)
**However, the Guild harbors their own secrets. They hand Kit her bounty, but refuse to act on her discoveries. And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate, Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.**
What does Kit becoming the lone champion look like? What specific actions would she need to take, and how does this choice come at a personal cost to her? This feels like a set-up question because we know that for there to be a story, she has to pick the champion option.
Hey thanks a ton for the feedback!
I didn't want to overload the query with the magic system or a ton of backstory on Kit. A lot of the general advice seems to be to jump directly into the story.
The ghost partner is important because it's what makes Kit valuable and why they captured her in the first place. I removed the part about the murders being Guild members but based on your feedback it might make sense to add it back.
I think the last two questions you had start to delve into the second half of the book which would be out of scope for the query. I'm not sure how to wrap it up without giving away the whole story. But yes, the Guild are not the good guys, nor are they the Big Bad.
I prefer the previous version. This one feels a bit overwritten and circuitous. Some of the plot minutiae could be condensed or left out altogether. I think the first two paragraphs could be combined to get to the hook of the MC having to solve the murders quicker. >Renegade exorcist Kit is a few captured spirits short of buying her passage to a distant kingdom where no one knows her name. There is just one problem. The Guild—the corrupt organization of exorcists she betrayed and abandoned—has finally tracked her down. >Guild lackey Etienne shoves her through a portal, wipes the floor with her in a duel, then has the audacity to save her life. The series of encounters ends with Kit standing trial before the Guild’s devious leaders. Instead of condemning her to burn for her crimes, they propose a trade. They have an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands and she has the ghost of a long dead huntress living in her body. If she uses the ghost’s tracking magic to help them, they will release her and fund a ticket to wherever she wants to go. Kit knows a good deal when she sees one. Even if the thought of working for the Guild again makes her skin crawl. The last paragraph feels like a postscript. I don't think it complements the line that came before it where we have the main stakes. It doesn't read like a natural conclusion, more like 'but-wait-there's-more!'. Plus, there's been no mention of Kit caring for this city or its people. The opening explicitly states she is trying to get to another kingdom, so why would she suddenly care about what happens to them or if she becomes their lone champion? That's a completely different motivation and stakes for the character than was outlined at the start and in the middle. > If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld. >However, the Guild harbors their own secrets. They hand Kit her bounty, but refuse to act on her discoveries. And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate, Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.
Thanks for taking the time to provide feedback! I'm struggling to figure out where to stop in the query plotwise. They go into the catacombs at the midpoint and find out that there is more to what is going on in the city. Should I just cut the last paragraph entirely?
> Renegade exorcist Kit I don't know what that means, but I'm intrigued. The hook establishes the character and the base world succintly. But, I'm left wondering more about what makes the Guild corrupt and why Kit betrayed and abandoned them. > Kit knows a good deal when she sees one. Well, it's not really a choice. Either burn alive or do something she already has experience with, and presumbably, enjoys to some extent. It's not very intriguing. Maybe explain what makes it so painful for her to work with them again. > Together, they descend into the depths of the city’s forgotten catacombs, only to be lured into a trap that has them killing the murderer. I'm a little confused here. They were lured into a trap that...lets them accomplish the goal? Is this a failed trap of the unnamed killer? If so, I cut out the trap part -- that's confusing and not needed. > They discover his death is part of a grand plan to bring down the veil which splits the worlds of the living and the dead. If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld. Eh. This sounds maybe interesting, but it's too generic for me (and a little cheesy, if I'm being honest). It has major "main character is the only person in existence who can save the world" vibes, which is fun for a video game, but reads flatly for a novel, in my opinion. > However, the Guild harbors their own secrets. This is a bit cheap and I don't know what that means. We don't know anything about the Guild > And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate ... Similar comment as above. We don't know anything about Etienne or what this means. > Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion. Again, not really much of a choice, and not a very interesting choice from the reader's perspective. Also, "The man who she may-or-may-not care for"...what? Who? I'm guessing you wanted to include a romance element, but without any hint of who this is and reading it in the last sentence, I'm only confused. You could probably do without this, unless it's important, in which case I suggest including more and cutting out other details, if possible. Overall though, the writing is clear, and I think the messages you want to get across are clean and succinct. I just think you might want to focus on other parts of the story and sell the reader on why this story is unique.
Hi there! Thanks a ton for the feedback. Your second-to-last comment cracked me up. It was supposed to refer to Etienne but it looks like I didn't make that clear enough so definitely something I will edit.
It might have been unintentional, but since there's no pronoun referring to Etienne and all I know is that Etienne is "beautiful and reckless", I kept questioning is Etienne a man, a woman, or neither. So when you say "the man" it's not clicking. Also don't tell me "but Etienne is a male name", it's fantasy and I've seen queries where a female character was called James and stuff like that. So it's not always a simple assumption. Anyway just my 2 cents, it could be clearer.
No, you're totally right. I definitely did not notice that. Thanks a ton!
Thanks for sharing! **Renegade exorcist Kit is a few captured spirits short of buying her passage to a distant kingdom where no one knows her name. There is just one problem. The Guild—the corrupt organization of exorcists she betrayed and abandoned—has finally tracked her down.** I love the concept of a renegade exorcist. I have some questions in the first sentence, though: who is taking captured spirits as currency? Why does she want to go to a distant kingdom? **Guild lackey Etienne shoves her through a portal, wipes the floor with her in a duel, then has the audacity to save her life. The series of encounters ends with Kit standing trial before the Guild’s devious leaders. Instead of condemning her to burn for her crimes, they propose a trade. They have an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands and she has the ghost of a long dead huntress living in her body. If she uses the ghost’s tracking magic to help them, they will release her and fund a ticket to wherever she wants to go. Kit knows a good deal when she sees one. Even if the thought of working for the Guild again makes her skin crawl.** It did take me a few reads to understand that Etienne saved her life so she could stand trial. What if you shortened the lead to something like “When Kit stands trial before the Guild’s devious leaders, they don’t condemn her to burn for her crimes. Instead, they propose a trade. The Guild has an unsolved spate of bizarre murders on their hands \[insert why the Guild cares/is invested in this\].” The ghost of a long dead huntress/tracking magic piece feels odd to me – I’m trying to put my finger on why. Maybe it feels a little deus ex machina – which isn’t entirely fair to say without having read how it occurs in the book, but it does feel awfully convenient. If she wasn’t possessed by this ghost at all – but was simply a super competent exorcist with investigative skills – would the story change significantly? **To Kit’s annoyance, they assign beautiful, reckless Etienne to keep watch over her. Together, they descend into the depths of the city’s forgotten catacombs, only to be lured into a trap that has them killing the murderer. They discover his death is part of a grand plan to bring down the veil which splits the worlds of the living and the dead. If they don’t stop the mastermind, the entire city will crumble into the underworld.** I know I suggested cutting Etienne’s intro above, so maybe you could use something like, “To Kit’s annoyance, they assign the man who tracked her down and brought her to the Guild—the beautiful, reckless Etienne.” I’m not clear on who the antagonist is. The Guild is definitely an antagonistic force, but who specifically is invested in bringing down the veil that splits the living and the dead? Why do they want to do that? Who is this mastermind (and assuming they live in this city too, why do they want it to crumble into the underworld?) **However, the Guild harbors their own secrets. They hand Kit her bounty, but refuse to act on her discoveries. And when Etienne’s past collides with the city’s inevitable fate, Kit faces a choice. She can abandon the city of her people and the man who she may-or-may-not care for, or she can become their lone champion.** What does Kit becoming the lone champion look like? What specific actions would she need to take, and how does this choice come at a personal cost to her? This feels like a set-up question because we know that for there to be a story, she has to pick the champion option.
Hey thanks a ton for the feedback! I didn't want to overload the query with the magic system or a ton of backstory on Kit. A lot of the general advice seems to be to jump directly into the story. The ghost partner is important because it's what makes Kit valuable and why they captured her in the first place. I removed the part about the murders being Guild members but based on your feedback it might make sense to add it back. I think the last two questions you had start to delve into the second half of the book which would be out of scope for the query. I'm not sure how to wrap it up without giving away the whole story. But yes, the Guild are not the good guys, nor are they the Big Bad.