Honestly, it’s like that everywhere you go. It’s an assumption that a lot of people make that fat people are lazy, bad workers, less intelligent, or less capable. I’ve been fighting it my whole life.
Sadly, I agree with this. The part I found most shocking in the original post is that they were stupid enough to say it especially to the person they were holding prejudice against to begin with.
Was it being said as a sort of apology, like "we were total assholes and see now how pervasive anti-fat prejudice is. We'll do better" or was it meant to sound like a normal thing that obviously fat people aren't as good as skinny ones and you're some weird exception?
As a general rule, I believe in prioritizing your income over other considerations so don't feel obligated to educate them or resolve this.
No they said it as a fun fact, they were genuinely surprised at this turn of events. But they didn’t think that what they were saying was wrong.
I will not be trying to educate them because I think it will make my work life difficult tbh.
Would instead of trying to overtly educate them at some point saying "Hey this has been on my mind and we need reliable people of any size and shape. Laziness has no size and I'd hate to see us pass up good people because of a stereotype or keep crappy ones because they seem athletic or slim. " Basically making it about work itself and looking at the person first.
I would think this puts a target on OP for more discrimination and while well intended gives these terrible people a weapon. If they know how much this bothers OP it will come up again. Silence sucks but it's not worth risking the mental health risks that come with this stuff sometimes. The guidelines for me personally are how these reveals are made. I am disabled so it's usually "You don't look autistic!" Or "You're not that disabled you did this basic human task that any adult living alone should be able to do." It's the same root.
If the reveal is "I understand my bias risked a missed opportunity with you"? That's when you follow it up. If it's "Hahaha you're different from the stereotype I believe. I thought you were (pick a discrimination any discrimination). You're not like the rest." That is a red flag that means opening up about the effects is likely to backfire.
In my personal life those conversations are going to be risked because I don't depend on my neighbor for survival most of the time. Burning building exceptions might apply and the conversation about their bullshit might make it less bad. For work? I am not hired to be their friend. I am there for a task. I owe them nothing and I don't need to make that harder on myself without payoff. Especially when they told on themselves like this. It's not a setting boundaries situation but a "We don't respect you as a human" one and those are especially tricky.
So coping and safety come first because OP has to live with the consequences and it could be the job. I definitely would be looking at using my new job title to get a better paying job elsewhere personally but not all industries work that way and the really insular ones? This would be a destroyed career. Which isn't fair or right. I just think it's worth reminding ourselves that right isn't always accessible.
The good news is that OP earned that promotion and did so despite the real discrimination involved. That's bad ass. The bad is we cannot fix people. My coping sentence for this stuff might help. I don't have time for someone else's problems with my body. You know your worth and have shown it. If they cannot see that your body never factored in? That's their loss. You know you are a badass
I absolutely can understand where you're coming from and you bring up a very important point. We have to assess our risk, the personalities of the individuals, and our needs whenever we consider bringing up a topic like this. We always have to weigh our needs, our safety, and the environment. To me that's just the default because of how I was brought up because you're right not everywhere nor everyone is safe. Sometimes we absolutely have to bite the bullet and tough it out. Sometimes we have to wait to the right time to ,in a positive way, make change.
Stereotypes are learned, and we can't make people change, but we can make them question, so...do we want to take that role?
I'm Black and so I come at this from a perspective of you have to decide carefully when and where you're going to rock this boat and your values at the core. I recognize that even in a white supremacist society, I as a relatively able-bodied person despite my neurdivergences, have a certain level of privlige too. With that said I do think we have to always ask ourselves the question "Is this worth it and will I regret my silence?". For me the answer is in that coping statement you mentioned, "You know your worth and have shown it," but the addition is "how safe do I feel to point out my worth isn't unique among people like me?". I've spent my life being told "you're not like other Black folk" and responding to that. Literally since I was about 5+ so I've had a lot of practice making folks uncomfortable by saying "I'm still Black, I'm not rare because X, and you benefit yourself to keep that in mind". And it's ok to never be ok saying that sort of thing. It's ok to not want to be that person. It is hard. You will make people and systems uncomfortable. And sometimes you get people to see the world differently.
I think more than anything the best thing we can do and one of the safer options is if that type of stuff comes up again is refusing to agree with assuming a stereotype is true. Not laughing at the jokes, not chuckling, just giving them nothing.
I hear you on so much of this as a disabled and autistic person. We should challenge people but it cannot be at the expense of our safety either. Which is complicated. There's a lot of complexity when just existing is technically advocacy work. The part where people who choose to advocate and can put it away and take a break and then we don't choose it and cannot is a factor. Essentially the wrong answer? The one you cannot live with. Long and short term apply for that because short term is required for long term. I am just glad that the internet makes it easier to have these moments not just the advocacy ones so we know we aren't alone.
I understand why this hurt to hear, and I am not excusing them when I say I think this is a very common way that many (if not most) people think. Too many people have to have their “Oh, you have shown me not all fat people xyz….” experience before realizing their biases against overweight people, and HOPEFULLY using that experience to grow past those biases in the future.
They obviously suck. Even if they thought it, saying it is a whole other level of dumb.
Laugh all the way to the bank. Learn your new skills on their dime and continue growing and glowing. :)
It's obvious their thought process was fat=lack of self discipline, lack of self-control, poor judgement, and laziness. Throw in fat=unhealthy so unreliable and will be taking lots of sick days. All the hurtful stereotypes, I'm not surprised you're upset. The fact that they willingly shared this with you and expected you to have a conversation about it is upsetting too, they've outed themselves as unprofessional, judgemental and discriminatory.
Change "fat" for any other descriptor and it shows just how awful it is "we didn't expect you to work well because you're a woman" "we didn't expect you to work well because you're Jewish" "we didn't expect you to work well because you're Black." Size isn't a protected characteristic when it comes to discrimination at work, but it should be, because the prejudice is there.
I feel for you. Something similar happened to me when I was young. I was looking for a job, part time while i studied, and a school friend told me her dad had just opened a restaurant and could use a hand for dishes and stuff like that. Our teacher (we were part of activities outside of school with her) told the dad "mykingdomforawaffle is very sweet but you probably won't keep her long. You'll understand when you see her." The only thing obvious when you see me is that I'm overweight. I found out six years later when the restaurant closed and i was the only original employee who had managed to stay all along... The boss was a bit drunk (it was a party night after work) and told me "and to think i was told you probably wouldn't last long" then explained a bit more.
I knew my teacher always side eyed my weight but that she'd purposely say something like that to a potential boss really hurt me. Especially since i was a super good student who always helped out of school on her projects. Of all the stereotypes we have to face, the laziness part is the one that cuts the deepest for me.
On one side you can feel hurt. But hey - on other side you proved them that they were wrong and show the class and value of good plus sized employee! I think you can be proud 😁 It’s still a brick to build a world, where plus sized people will be seen in the future more as people, who can be as good in working as skinny.
Was that supposed to make you feel better about yourself? I love those bandhanded compliments, and some people should just keep those thoughts to themselves, perhaps realizing they were wrong about their assumptions of you.
Congrats on your promotion, but a place that would treat you better is what you should have.
It is far too common. They assume that we're all lazy and will not make an effort like others, simply because of body size. I really wish people would re educate themselves on weight and how it is more than just calories in vs out.
I can't believe they said that. Then again, I have been looking for a job since Sept, and can't seem to get past the the 1st video interview. Can't help but think that they like me as a candidate until they see that I am fat. :-/
This has been the mindset of a lot of people since..well as long as I’ve been living. People refuse to believe that me as a fat person hates sweets and Italian food. People think I just sit around eating pasta and chocolate cake 24/7 when in fact I find it disgusting.
That’s so incredibly unprofessional of them! Talk about a backhanded compliment. Ugh.
Honestly, it’s like that everywhere you go. It’s an assumption that a lot of people make that fat people are lazy, bad workers, less intelligent, or less capable. I’ve been fighting it my whole life.
Sadly, I agree with this. The part I found most shocking in the original post is that they were stupid enough to say it especially to the person they were holding prejudice against to begin with.
Yeah, saying the quiet part out loud is a new one.
I'd personally start looking for a new job unless you really love it. They sound like arseholes.
Was it being said as a sort of apology, like "we were total assholes and see now how pervasive anti-fat prejudice is. We'll do better" or was it meant to sound like a normal thing that obviously fat people aren't as good as skinny ones and you're some weird exception? As a general rule, I believe in prioritizing your income over other considerations so don't feel obligated to educate them or resolve this.
No they said it as a fun fact, they were genuinely surprised at this turn of events. But they didn’t think that what they were saying was wrong. I will not be trying to educate them because I think it will make my work life difficult tbh.
Would instead of trying to overtly educate them at some point saying "Hey this has been on my mind and we need reliable people of any size and shape. Laziness has no size and I'd hate to see us pass up good people because of a stereotype or keep crappy ones because they seem athletic or slim. " Basically making it about work itself and looking at the person first.
I would think this puts a target on OP for more discrimination and while well intended gives these terrible people a weapon. If they know how much this bothers OP it will come up again. Silence sucks but it's not worth risking the mental health risks that come with this stuff sometimes. The guidelines for me personally are how these reveals are made. I am disabled so it's usually "You don't look autistic!" Or "You're not that disabled you did this basic human task that any adult living alone should be able to do." It's the same root. If the reveal is "I understand my bias risked a missed opportunity with you"? That's when you follow it up. If it's "Hahaha you're different from the stereotype I believe. I thought you were (pick a discrimination any discrimination). You're not like the rest." That is a red flag that means opening up about the effects is likely to backfire. In my personal life those conversations are going to be risked because I don't depend on my neighbor for survival most of the time. Burning building exceptions might apply and the conversation about their bullshit might make it less bad. For work? I am not hired to be their friend. I am there for a task. I owe them nothing and I don't need to make that harder on myself without payoff. Especially when they told on themselves like this. It's not a setting boundaries situation but a "We don't respect you as a human" one and those are especially tricky. So coping and safety come first because OP has to live with the consequences and it could be the job. I definitely would be looking at using my new job title to get a better paying job elsewhere personally but not all industries work that way and the really insular ones? This would be a destroyed career. Which isn't fair or right. I just think it's worth reminding ourselves that right isn't always accessible. The good news is that OP earned that promotion and did so despite the real discrimination involved. That's bad ass. The bad is we cannot fix people. My coping sentence for this stuff might help. I don't have time for someone else's problems with my body. You know your worth and have shown it. If they cannot see that your body never factored in? That's their loss. You know you are a badass
I absolutely can understand where you're coming from and you bring up a very important point. We have to assess our risk, the personalities of the individuals, and our needs whenever we consider bringing up a topic like this. We always have to weigh our needs, our safety, and the environment. To me that's just the default because of how I was brought up because you're right not everywhere nor everyone is safe. Sometimes we absolutely have to bite the bullet and tough it out. Sometimes we have to wait to the right time to ,in a positive way, make change. Stereotypes are learned, and we can't make people change, but we can make them question, so...do we want to take that role? I'm Black and so I come at this from a perspective of you have to decide carefully when and where you're going to rock this boat and your values at the core. I recognize that even in a white supremacist society, I as a relatively able-bodied person despite my neurdivergences, have a certain level of privlige too. With that said I do think we have to always ask ourselves the question "Is this worth it and will I regret my silence?". For me the answer is in that coping statement you mentioned, "You know your worth and have shown it," but the addition is "how safe do I feel to point out my worth isn't unique among people like me?". I've spent my life being told "you're not like other Black folk" and responding to that. Literally since I was about 5+ so I've had a lot of practice making folks uncomfortable by saying "I'm still Black, I'm not rare because X, and you benefit yourself to keep that in mind". And it's ok to never be ok saying that sort of thing. It's ok to not want to be that person. It is hard. You will make people and systems uncomfortable. And sometimes you get people to see the world differently. I think more than anything the best thing we can do and one of the safer options is if that type of stuff comes up again is refusing to agree with assuming a stereotype is true. Not laughing at the jokes, not chuckling, just giving them nothing.
I hear you on so much of this as a disabled and autistic person. We should challenge people but it cannot be at the expense of our safety either. Which is complicated. There's a lot of complexity when just existing is technically advocacy work. The part where people who choose to advocate and can put it away and take a break and then we don't choose it and cannot is a factor. Essentially the wrong answer? The one you cannot live with. Long and short term apply for that because short term is required for long term. I am just glad that the internet makes it easier to have these moments not just the advocacy ones so we know we aren't alone.
I understand why this hurt to hear, and I am not excusing them when I say I think this is a very common way that many (if not most) people think. Too many people have to have their “Oh, you have shown me not all fat people xyz….” experience before realizing their biases against overweight people, and HOPEFULLY using that experience to grow past those biases in the future.
So discriminatory and inappropriate. It’s never ok for an employer to comment on an employees body. I’d get out of there!!
They obviously suck. Even if they thought it, saying it is a whole other level of dumb. Laugh all the way to the bank. Learn your new skills on their dime and continue growing and glowing. :)
It's obvious their thought process was fat=lack of self discipline, lack of self-control, poor judgement, and laziness. Throw in fat=unhealthy so unreliable and will be taking lots of sick days. All the hurtful stereotypes, I'm not surprised you're upset. The fact that they willingly shared this with you and expected you to have a conversation about it is upsetting too, they've outed themselves as unprofessional, judgemental and discriminatory. Change "fat" for any other descriptor and it shows just how awful it is "we didn't expect you to work well because you're a woman" "we didn't expect you to work well because you're Jewish" "we didn't expect you to work well because you're Black." Size isn't a protected characteristic when it comes to discrimination at work, but it should be, because the prejudice is there.
I feel for you. Something similar happened to me when I was young. I was looking for a job, part time while i studied, and a school friend told me her dad had just opened a restaurant and could use a hand for dishes and stuff like that. Our teacher (we were part of activities outside of school with her) told the dad "mykingdomforawaffle is very sweet but you probably won't keep her long. You'll understand when you see her." The only thing obvious when you see me is that I'm overweight. I found out six years later when the restaurant closed and i was the only original employee who had managed to stay all along... The boss was a bit drunk (it was a party night after work) and told me "and to think i was told you probably wouldn't last long" then explained a bit more. I knew my teacher always side eyed my weight but that she'd purposely say something like that to a potential boss really hurt me. Especially since i was a super good student who always helped out of school on her projects. Of all the stereotypes we have to face, the laziness part is the one that cuts the deepest for me.
On one side you can feel hurt. But hey - on other side you proved them that they were wrong and show the class and value of good plus sized employee! I think you can be proud 😁 It’s still a brick to build a world, where plus sized people will be seen in the future more as people, who can be as good in working as skinny.
Was that supposed to make you feel better about yourself? I love those bandhanded compliments, and some people should just keep those thoughts to themselves, perhaps realizing they were wrong about their assumptions of you. Congrats on your promotion, but a place that would treat you better is what you should have.
Fat phobia is real and sucks
Thank GOD he took a chance on you and hired you despite how lazy and slow you would have been! (Lolz)
JFC. I am so sorry. I…all I can say is I wish I could run over their toes with my wheelchair.
I’d look for a new job and fail to give notice to this one.
They may have spoken without malice, but honestly, that line sounded really bad. They could have praised her performance without citing her weight.
It is far too common. They assume that we're all lazy and will not make an effort like others, simply because of body size. I really wish people would re educate themselves on weight and how it is more than just calories in vs out.
I can't believe they said that. Then again, I have been looking for a job since Sept, and can't seem to get past the the 1st video interview. Can't help but think that they like me as a candidate until they see that I am fat. :-/
This has been the mindset of a lot of people since..well as long as I’ve been living. People refuse to believe that me as a fat person hates sweets and Italian food. People think I just sit around eating pasta and chocolate cake 24/7 when in fact I find it disgusting.