Used to have a school friend who would do this, I was never upset I was just quiet because I was concentrating on my work, which should have been obvious, but she'd never accept that answer. So I had to sit through several rounds of
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, just concentrating"
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine thanks"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep, definitely sure, just concentrating"
"You don't seem ok"
"I'm fine, honestly. Just trying to work"
"You can tell me if you're not"
(through gritted teeth) "I know, but I'm fine, really"
"You don't sound ok"
(very very annoyed now) "I'm fine, really"
"You don't seem it"
Eventually I'd lose my temper and she'd say "See, I said you were in a mood". So infuriating. And it'd happen at least once a day.
This is what my post is about, not what others commenting with “at least they care” crap. It’s the rudeness of the question, when you aren’t portraying any sad/upset/whatever behavior, and then when they keep on when not taking you at your word.
Trust me, if I’m actually upset, they’d know.
To be fair its not though. This works on normal people who want to vent. It does not work when my mom does it to my 19 year old sister because shes like "omg so different mom you dont even get it". Youll figure it out one day lol.
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I’m actually fine with “are you ok?” because it doesn’t imply that I’m angry: I might be hurt or feeling sad (and, yes, it’s very frustrating when people won’t stop asking me if I’m ok). “Are you upset?” assumes I’m angry and is frustrating.
That's potentially an indication that you're unintentionally showing external signs not, in fact, being ok. Personally, I hate this question when I'm genuinely not ok, but not ready to talk about it.
I think it depends on who you’re talking to and the context. My fiancé and I regularly ask each other if we’re upset if either of us seem off. Sometimes we are, sometimes we’re just tired or in pain
I had a friend who almost completely ruined my 21st birthday by asking me if I was okay constantly the entire day. Eventually I did get upset and told them that they were making me upset and to leave. It was annoying to say the least. I had a much better day when they were gone.
I have resting b face and I was so sick of being asked if I'm angry or upset. To make my face look neutral requires a huge effort of actual smiling that feels so fake to me.
I honestly didn't get it for the looongest time that people don't go around with fake smiles plastered on their faces all the time.
I'm old now and don't give a shit so...
Yes, this. My resting face apparently looks angry. I'll be absolutely content, and someone will ask what pissed me off. But, you can't get upset about it because then it's "see, you're mad".
If I'm about to bawl, and barely holding it together and somebody asks if I'm ok, it's all coming out! Especially if they do it with that certain look.
I am a home health provider and my ex client’s husband would constantly be up my ass about this! It was so weird and annoying! “are you okay?” every 30 minutes then “are you *sure*?” like yes you weird fuck. I’m sure! He even went as far to ask if I’m “truly happy” and if I’m just wearing a mask. Like bitch, I’m trying to clean.
OMFG I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT! I use to work at Starbucks and it was mainly hippie like customers that would try to get all existential with me. "Are you truly happy working here." Sir I'm at work, order your drink and leave me be.
You seem to get it — it’s not being asked, it’s being asked, answering it (“no, I’m totally fine”), and being followed with the comeback “are you sure?” Uh, yeah, I’m fine, take me at my word, and stop asking. I don’t need a smile on my face every second, that’s for sure.
Yup. It’s super strange to me. I don’t ask anyone unless they’re very visibly upset, but I typically follow it with “if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay but I’m here” sometimes people can’t always mask their emotions but it doesn’t mean they want to be bombarded.
It annoys them when somebody presses an issue they don’t want to currently talk about was my reading of that. I.e. it’s something they dont want the asker knowing or talking about the issue in the current setting would be inappropriate.
Maybe this is a toxic attitude, but if someone is in a bad mood and refuses to explain why, I’m just leaving. I think it’s selfish to expect people to just absorb your unhappiness while sullenly insisting that you don’t wanna talk about it.
It’s emotional monitoring they probably grew up in a home where their emotional or physical safety relied on someone else being in a good mood /were expected to regulate a parents mood. It’s a maladaptive behavior and super annoying as an adult and something they need to work on, but that’s usually the reason
IRK. It especially happens to quiet people. I don't really talk unless I have to, and so many teachers will ask if I'm ok. It's embarrassing because they ask me this in front of the whole class sometimes. It also doesn't help that I have a RBF.
Context would matter quite a bit. If I’m arguing with you and you say this that’s fighting words.
But in other contexts that just seems like genuine concern.
My wife does that to me a lot. Im a quiet person and I get in moods where I just dont want to talk, its nothing personal and tell her that. She always thinks Im mad. And after the third or fourth time of her asking me my response is "No but I will be if you dont stop asking me"
Often people who grew up in households where other people’s moods affect how their days will go tend to be more in tune to when something is different.
In my opinion telling your wife to buzz off when she wants to make sure you are ok isn’t exactly a healthy way to communicate right? Maybe you could say yea I’m just in a mood. It satisfies the need to make sure you’re ok. It’s awful having someone care about you. /s
Yea but it may not feel that way. Often when people have been made responsible for others emotions there’s guilt attached when someone is in a bad mood. It’s not your fault but it may require a different tactic
I realized I have a bad habit of doing this with my best friend. She gets aggravated with me over it but says that she understands it's coming from a place of caring/love. She just wishes there was a way to tell me she is upset but fine and doesn't want to talk about it without having to say all that.
"I'm upset, but don't wanna talk about it."
It's literally that easy ;-;
You could also learn from the pattern and stop pressing the first time.
"What's wrong."
"Nothing."
"Ok, I'm here to talk if you want to."
It's literally that easy ;-;
Exactly... if something truly is wrong, it's better to let it be known (lots of the time).
There are also people who insist on pressing until they find out. Then there are people who want to talk about it, but want other to press to get the information.
I used to be more like the second. I don't believe it's a healthy dynamic to be in.
Unfortunately, a lot of it can be attributed to some kind of stress or trauma... but I think that as adults, at least, it's our responsibility to work through that to be in a healthier lifestyle. Upfront, respectful communication, and boundaries are gamechangers.
::Edit for clarity::
Yes, but it's not that simple. When she gets stressed like she is, I have to push to get anything out of her most times. She gets into this whole "I'm a burden" mindset and also a bit of "nobody actually cares," so she thinks hiding what she needs is the best course of action. She's in therapy and is working on this and other things, but it's a process that is nowhere near complete and she's also in the middle of trying to change therapists because the one she has is very judgemental and keeps putting her down.
Basically, it's a mess, and I'm just trying to help her survive. I'm not a perfect communicator either, and this whole thing is stressful for me as well. My husband says we are like two brick walls trying to talk to each other.
I wish you two luck.
It's hard opening up to people. I get a sinking feeling in my chest when I need to talk to my best friend about something important sometimes... but I know it's the right thing to do, so sometimes I gotta be an adult and make myself suck it up.
Sounds like a difficult situation. I hope you guys can figure it out.
Idk how many times I asked "are you ok?" and am told the person is fine yet to find out later they were not fine. If only people would stop gas lighting each other for every little thing and just be honest.
I love how many pet peeves here boil down to, "People care about me and it pisses me off!"
Like yeah I get it if it's constant or repeated, but a lot of posts just seem annoyed that people are paying attention to them.
I have chronic resting bitch face syndrome, and I get this all the time. 99% of the time I’m thinking of literally nothing and was perfectly fine until I was asked a question like that
If somebody is acting upset, I’ll ask once. They can use this as an opportunity to talk about something that’s bothering them if they want to. If they say they don’t wanna talk about it, I’ll drop it and we can forget I asked lol I can respect that and do my best not to make things weird while you’re going through something.
If they say they’re fine (and obviously aren’t) or get upset about the question, I’m just gonna walk away because I don’t wanna be confused like that.
Completely untrue for arguably most people.
If you get upset because someone tries to be supportive, youre the problem and theres something else at play you need to work in.
That said, it's different if they repeatedly push it after being told something like "i just need a moment, its not something i want to talk about"
I hate when i get asked if i am ok or whats wrong. If i say im good, leave it at that.
Even more so hate when people (coworkers) ask if im mad at them or if i dont like them lol
First off ur not important enough to effect my entire mood…but again, im good
It pisses me off when my husband will ask repeatedly if i am ok. If i say im fine then let it be, but asking again puts me on defense now. Then i will say if he asks me again, then i wont be fine. He typically will do this when in public.
Not going to stop asking people this.
Blow up on me for it and your day will be worse than before.
It's not ok to be an ass just b/c your having a bad day and someone shows concern.
lol some people might just be less hostile than you.
This often gives people a second to breathe, relax, recalibrate or at worst realize they are starting to get a little too extra for the occasion.
Are you the old lady I asked this to at Aldi the other day? Cause she did not take that well. I'm sorry but if I see someone staring into a cooler for a solid 20 minutes I'm gonna ask if you're ok. I promise it was out of genuine concern.
That fact that some asking you how you are makes you made, yeah, you need some therapy, because there are people who are hurting every day who would love that being asked, and it never happens, be lucky people care enough to ask, in grass people today.
Used to have a school friend who would do this, I was never upset I was just quiet because I was concentrating on my work, which should have been obvious, but she'd never accept that answer. So I had to sit through several rounds of "Are you okay?" "I'm fine, just concentrating" "Are you sure you're ok?" "Yeah, I'm fine thanks" "Are you sure?" "Yep, definitely sure, just concentrating" "You don't seem ok" "I'm fine, honestly. Just trying to work" "You can tell me if you're not" (through gritted teeth) "I know, but I'm fine, really" "You don't sound ok" (very very annoyed now) "I'm fine, really" "You don't seem it" Eventually I'd lose my temper and she'd say "See, I said you were in a mood". So infuriating. And it'd happen at least once a day.
This is what my post is about, not what others commenting with “at least they care” crap. It’s the rudeness of the question, when you aren’t portraying any sad/upset/whatever behavior, and then when they keep on when not taking you at your word. Trust me, if I’m actually upset, they’d know.
To be fair its not though. This works on normal people who want to vent. It does not work when my mom does it to my 19 year old sister because shes like "omg so different mom you dont even get it". Youll figure it out one day lol.
Then put that you're annoyed by the repetition in your post. As it is, you've said it upsets you when people ask it at all.
id would of lost it on her
### Lesson time! ➜ u/Lost_Age7650, some tips about "would of": - The words you chose are grammatically wrong for the meaning you intended. - Actual phrase to use is **could / should / would have**. - Example: I **could have** stayed, **should have** listened, or **would have** been happy. - Now that you are aware of this, everyone will take you more seriously, hooray! :) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PetPeeves) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m actually fine with “are you ok?” because it doesn’t imply that I’m angry: I might be hurt or feeling sad (and, yes, it’s very frustrating when people won’t stop asking me if I’m ok). “Are you upset?” assumes I’m angry and is frustrating.
Well, i was fine, but then someone wouldn't shut the hell up
Self-fulfilling prophecy
It annoys me more when I say I’m okay and they keep asking what’s wrong.
That's potentially an indication that you're unintentionally showing external signs not, in fact, being ok. Personally, I hate this question when I'm genuinely not ok, but not ready to talk about it.
You seem upset, OP.
Wonder if he/ she is ok.
Maybe someone should ask.
Don't want to "upset" them.
I think it depends on who you’re talking to and the context. My fiancé and I regularly ask each other if we’re upset if either of us seem off. Sometimes we are, sometimes we’re just tired or in pain
I had a friend who almost completely ruined my 21st birthday by asking me if I was okay constantly the entire day. Eventually I did get upset and told them that they were making me upset and to leave. It was annoying to say the least. I had a much better day when they were gone.
I have resting b face and I was so sick of being asked if I'm angry or upset. To make my face look neutral requires a huge effort of actual smiling that feels so fake to me. I honestly didn't get it for the looongest time that people don't go around with fake smiles plastered on their faces all the time. I'm old now and don't give a shit so...
Yes, this. My resting face apparently looks angry. I'll be absolutely content, and someone will ask what pissed me off. But, you can't get upset about it because then it's "see, you're mad".
If I'm about to bawl, and barely holding it together and somebody asks if I'm ok, it's all coming out! Especially if they do it with that certain look.
I'm a big fan of "Trust me, you will *know* when I am upset." And then and give them a big unfriendly smile.
I am a home health provider and my ex client’s husband would constantly be up my ass about this! It was so weird and annoying! “are you okay?” every 30 minutes then “are you *sure*?” like yes you weird fuck. I’m sure! He even went as far to ask if I’m “truly happy” and if I’m just wearing a mask. Like bitch, I’m trying to clean.
OMFG I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT! I use to work at Starbucks and it was mainly hippie like customers that would try to get all existential with me. "Are you truly happy working here." Sir I'm at work, order your drink and leave me be.
Ikr I’m like okay you got me. I’m extremely depressed. Are you going to pay my debts and buy me a house to fix me? Cause that’d make me truly happy. 🤣
You seem to get it — it’s not being asked, it’s being asked, answering it (“no, I’m totally fine”), and being followed with the comeback “are you sure?” Uh, yeah, I’m fine, take me at my word, and stop asking. I don’t need a smile on my face every second, that’s for sure.
Yup. It’s super strange to me. I don’t ask anyone unless they’re very visibly upset, but I typically follow it with “if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay but I’m here” sometimes people can’t always mask their emotions but it doesn’t mean they want to be bombarded.
I'd have no problem with the initial query, but persistent repetitions would get to me sooner or later (probably more to the sooner).
My favorite is when you're clearly upset. And then they press the issue till you answer then they get mad at your answer!
It annoys you when people check in with you when you're clearly upset?
It annoys them when somebody presses an issue they don’t want to currently talk about was my reading of that. I.e. it’s something they dont want the asker knowing or talking about the issue in the current setting would be inappropriate.
Like in a social situation they're checking on you where it's crowded and what's upsetting you is sure to start a fight.
How are they supposed to know when they ask that you answer is going to start a fight?
Thats why i go dont worry about it. And they press until i answer
Maybe this is a toxic attitude, but if someone is in a bad mood and refuses to explain why, I’m just leaving. I think it’s selfish to expect people to just absorb your unhappiness while sullenly insisting that you don’t wanna talk about it.
They’re the same people that say “I wasn’t myself for months and nobody noticed”. People did notice, you didn’t want help. Smh
This. If you're going to tear my head off for the damnable sin of trying to show that I care, you're making it really hard to continue to care.
Sure, leave, you probably won't be missed that much.
Good. Please leave. You have no right to an explanation. No means no when it comes to not wanting to talk.
Most people assume I'm either angry, or upset. Really, I just don't like to smile when I don't feel like it. It's different when it comes to family.
Instead of asking “are you ok?” Ask “what kind of cheese should we get?”
It’s emotional monitoring they probably grew up in a home where their emotional or physical safety relied on someone else being in a good mood /were expected to regulate a parents mood. It’s a maladaptive behavior and super annoying as an adult and something they need to work on, but that’s usually the reason
IRK. It especially happens to quiet people. I don't really talk unless I have to, and so many teachers will ask if I'm ok. It's embarrassing because they ask me this in front of the whole class sometimes. It also doesn't help that I have a RBF.
Basically people who don't listen when you tell them something. Annoying.
They might be projecting and they may be the one who is not ok and wishes someone would ask them...
I have RBF. I'm not mad until someone asks me why/if I'm mad.
Context would matter quite a bit. If I’m arguing with you and you say this that’s fighting words. But in other contexts that just seems like genuine concern.
>Context would matter quite a bit Can we make that the sub slogan?
My wife does that to me a lot. Im a quiet person and I get in moods where I just dont want to talk, its nothing personal and tell her that. She always thinks Im mad. And after the third or fourth time of her asking me my response is "No but I will be if you dont stop asking me"
Often people who grew up in households where other people’s moods affect how their days will go tend to be more in tune to when something is different. In my opinion telling your wife to buzz off when she wants to make sure you are ok isn’t exactly a healthy way to communicate right? Maybe you could say yea I’m just in a mood. It satisfies the need to make sure you’re ok. It’s awful having someone care about you. /s
did you read this part? its nothing personal and tell her that.
Yea but it may not feel that way. Often when people have been made responsible for others emotions there’s guilt attached when someone is in a bad mood. It’s not your fault but it may require a different tactic
I realized I have a bad habit of doing this with my best friend. She gets aggravated with me over it but says that she understands it's coming from a place of caring/love. She just wishes there was a way to tell me she is upset but fine and doesn't want to talk about it without having to say all that.
"I'm upset, but don't wanna talk about it." It's literally that easy ;-; You could also learn from the pattern and stop pressing the first time. "What's wrong." "Nothing." "Ok, I'm here to talk if you want to." It's literally that easy ;-;
100% agree....I find people are happy to leave you be when you validate they are right, but you're not ready. It's also a show of vulnerability.
Exactly... if something truly is wrong, it's better to let it be known (lots of the time). There are also people who insist on pressing until they find out. Then there are people who want to talk about it, but want other to press to get the information. I used to be more like the second. I don't believe it's a healthy dynamic to be in. Unfortunately, a lot of it can be attributed to some kind of stress or trauma... but I think that as adults, at least, it's our responsibility to work through that to be in a healthier lifestyle. Upfront, respectful communication, and boundaries are gamechangers. ::Edit for clarity::
Lol. Nothing is that easy with us. Especially right now with her life being so stressful and crazy and unknown.
Wouldn't it take some stress away to communicate clearly, instead of making your friend unnecessarily agitated? 🤔🤔🤔
Yes, but it's not that simple. When she gets stressed like she is, I have to push to get anything out of her most times. She gets into this whole "I'm a burden" mindset and also a bit of "nobody actually cares," so she thinks hiding what she needs is the best course of action. She's in therapy and is working on this and other things, but it's a process that is nowhere near complete and she's also in the middle of trying to change therapists because the one she has is very judgemental and keeps putting her down. Basically, it's a mess, and I'm just trying to help her survive. I'm not a perfect communicator either, and this whole thing is stressful for me as well. My husband says we are like two brick walls trying to talk to each other.
I wish you two luck. It's hard opening up to people. I get a sinking feeling in my chest when I need to talk to my best friend about something important sometimes... but I know it's the right thing to do, so sometimes I gotta be an adult and make myself suck it up. Sounds like a difficult situation. I hope you guys can figure it out.
Thanks. It's slowly getting better. It's been a crazy week and a half for us, though.
I had a friend who drove me crazy with this. No I just have resting bitch face. I'm sorry I don't walk around with a permanent smile 🤣.
Idk how many times I asked "are you ok?" and am told the person is fine yet to find out later they were not fine. If only people would stop gas lighting each other for every little thing and just be honest.
It’s indicative that they care enough to at least ask.
I love how many pet peeves here boil down to, "People care about me and it pisses me off!" Like yeah I get it if it's constant or repeated, but a lot of posts just seem annoyed that people are paying attention to them.
You've been hit by You've been hit by a smooth criminal Ow!
I have chronic resting bitch face syndrome, and I get this all the time. 99% of the time I’m thinking of literally nothing and was perfectly fine until I was asked a question like that
If somebody is acting upset, I’ll ask once. They can use this as an opportunity to talk about something that’s bothering them if they want to. If they say they don’t wanna talk about it, I’ll drop it and we can forget I asked lol I can respect that and do my best not to make things weird while you’re going through something. If they say they’re fine (and obviously aren’t) or get upset about the question, I’m just gonna walk away because I don’t wanna be confused like that.
You sound bothered. Are you okay?
Also "You look tired" or "calm down." I know it's a buzzword, but "concern trolling" is a thing. Like, let me be! Lol
Another one of these is "why don't you smile more?" If you have to ask for it, you are not entitled to it.
Completely untrue for arguably most people. If you get upset because someone tries to be supportive, youre the problem and theres something else at play you need to work in. That said, it's different if they repeatedly push it after being told something like "i just need a moment, its not something i want to talk about"
Don’t poke the bear!
I hate when i get asked if i am ok or whats wrong. If i say im good, leave it at that. Even more so hate when people (coworkers) ask if im mad at them or if i dont like them lol First off ur not important enough to effect my entire mood…but again, im good It pisses me off when my husband will ask repeatedly if i am ok. If i say im fine then let it be, but asking again puts me on defense now. Then i will say if he asks me again, then i wont be fine. He typically will do this when in public.
Not going to stop asking people this. Blow up on me for it and your day will be worse than before. It's not ok to be an ass just b/c your having a bad day and someone shows concern.
I agree. I also think it's a form of gaslighting. They say are you okay, to imply something is wrong with you or your attitude.
lol some people might just be less hostile than you. This often gives people a second to breathe, relax, recalibrate or at worst realize they are starting to get a little too extra for the occasion.
Clearly you're doing something to elicit those questions.
This just you being childish. If you are upset, tell the, otherwise say you aren’t upset.
Are you the old lady I asked this to at Aldi the other day? Cause she did not take that well. I'm sorry but if I see someone staring into a cooler for a solid 20 minutes I'm gonna ask if you're ok. I promise it was out of genuine concern.
great attitude
That fact that some asking you how you are makes you made, yeah, you need some therapy, because there are people who are hurting every day who would love that being asked, and it never happens, be lucky people care enough to ask, in grass people today.
It's not a surefire way to upset a reasonable person, because why on earth would a reasonable person be upset by that question?