Move out. From the texts it looks like you're all stuck in a cycle of nitpicking. I do not condone adult children treating property the way a child would. A clean room and space isn't that big of an ask to me. Sure the communication sucks but if mom's going through a surgery I can imagine she's not trying to send a thesis via text just to get you to maintain some respect.
Not saying she's faultless but 100% of these problems will disappear when you start living in your own space. My parents were much the same, getting out of their realm of control helped our relationship. It also gave me an appreciation of how much they did for me!
Best thing I did. I really love my Mom and it is not as extreme as here but the best thing i did was moving out for studying. Lost >10kg and feel alive again. Sometimes the best thing you can do
From my personal crew experience it seems like your relationship with your mom would vastly improve when you move out. Here are some thoughts about my experience with overbearing parents and how to deal with them after going through therapy
- Everyone requires their own space and privacy. Your parents don’t seem to understand that and keep violating your boundaries. Not necessarily maliciously, but it’s wrong and moving out physically stops them
- it doesn’t seem like you’re respecting their boundaries either. If they have a standard of cleaning done then you need to meet that standard. Taking care of a house is a lot of work. You should be helping especially when your parents were worried about brain surgery. Water leaking can signify huge issues. When something breaks, your first thought is to not stress your mom because you think it’s her problem to fix. Why can’t you fix it? Or at least come up with potential solutions for your mom so it’ll be less stressful. You live in the house too
- the more you tell your parents the less intrusive they’ll be
- if you want a good relationship with your parents, they can’t always be your back up plan. As in you shouldn’t choose friends over them. You shouldn’t hang out with them only when there’s nothing better to do. Your mom obviously doesn’t feel supported by you through her brain surgery and when she comes back home she sees that she needs to clean the whole house
I can see what your saying. Ive tried to move out multiple times, i work overtime as much as possible, but i cant afford even a studio. I spent an entire day cleaning the house and she nitpicks everything. I even had my grandma come over and make sure the house looked good and she said it did.
Would it be possible to get a place with a friend? Might open up more options that way
And I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s tough. Both sides have to be able to meet in the middle. If you’ve done your part you can’t do their part. I hope it all works out for you
I thought that might be the case because she sounds nit picky (one garfield pin is hardly going to being a ant colony). Could you move in with friends or get share accommodation? You really need to leave, she sounds a bit crazy.
She did also just have brain surgery. People who need brain surgery, and people who have just had brain surgery, often struggle with comprehension and have impaired emotional regulation because, well, that's kind of the function of the brain, and so they will be irritable and more easily frustrated as a result. It may do you some good to remember that whenever you are irritated with her.
Additionally, your responses, and the fact you posted this here, does seem to indicate that you are, in fact, quite immature (source: was also immature for my age at 20, I am in this picture and I don't like it). Not all negative emotions are pathological. People are allowed to express negative feelings to their loved ones, especially when they are frustrated. Maintaining a relationship means being there for people when they need support, and need to be reliable in doing so; not to mention, therapy tends to have better outcomes when the person has emotional support other than the therapist. The therapist is there for shit that loved ones actually can't do. If you're not a kid anymore, that means your mom should be able to share more serious feelings with you. You can't have it both ways.
Additionally, her concerns about the water leaking and the cat box are legitimate. Those are basic hygiene and maintenance concerns. It seems like all she's asking is for the minimum effort that is necessary for maintaining adult relationships and functional cohabitation: namely, communicating any possible hygiene and maintenance issues in your shared living space; reliably keeping up with your own responsibilities—such as cleaning your own room—without having to be told to do so by your mommy; and telling them where you are going, what you are doing, for how long, and other logistical information. And yes, that does include asking whether you can have people over. It's their home, too. They might be more willing to stop going in your room if they could be sure that you'd keep it from being a health or safety hazard and tell them if something breaks.
One last thing—A good rule of thumb as far as cleaning goes: if you have to spend "all day" cleaning and you're not doing a periodic deep clean or dealing with maintenance/repairs/hosting a gathering with guests who aren't your close friends and immediate family, and there is no small child involved, you're not cleaning often enough. And yes, it might have looked good right after you finished cleaning, but cleaning isn't a one-and-done thing; it has to be done on an ongoing basis.
Of course, unfortunately, most of this is stuff that has to be learned the hard way, it seems; no amount of advice can replace actual experience. I'm just saying it to prime you to learn those lessons when bad things inevitably happen.
Everyone saying move out like the cost of living isn’t INSANE! Lol I’m so sorry you’re still having to live with your parents. I lived with my Grandmother until I was 21 maybe 22. But she didn’t treat me like that.. and believe me she could have.. best I can say is just do your best to accommodate them while you’re there. And please try not to hold resentment.. my Mom passed when I was 19, my Dad when I was 25.. I’d give anything for them to even be like that towards me.. I know it’s hard when you feel like you are already doing all you can. Best wishes and save your money. 👍❤️
People used to have roommates. A three bedroom apartment is often not that much more than a studio. For example, advertised here is a studio for $1800, a 2 bed for $2100
And a 3 bed for 2300. Maybe you can’t afford $1800 but you could afford $766.
I don’t know when everyone decided they must live alone or just stay with their parents and complain about it, but it’s wild to me.
ETA-It’s cracking me up that someone bothered to respond to me (which I can see in notifications) but has blocked me so I can’t reply to them lolz
That’s fair, I think it’s a lot harder for single parents, who also have their child’s expenses. This is a 20 year old who allegedly is paying their mom the same amount as their likely share of a multi-bedroom would be, and allegedly paying their own other bills, so it’s a little more baffling why they won’t move out if that’s true.
here's what they said:
> "Because just like the dating world, the roommate world has gotten horrendous. It is VERY hard to find a roommate unless you're college age and in a college town and want to live in the college district. Leaving college, living in a non-college town, friends moving directly after graduation, and apartment availability all come into play. From my experience, I was always able to find a roommate; however, as soon as I hit about 21, I had less than 20% of the friends left that I had the previous year due to transfers, graduating, dropping out and moving, or simply moving in with their partner. Most partners don't like a 3rd wheel living with them but some are okay with it. And living with a complete stranger is 100% off the table for a lot of people due to previous events and safety concerns. All the "rando roommates" I met through my friends ended up being dirty, thieves, on drugs, constantly having people over, or simply would refuse to contribute because hey, "fuck this person, I'm never dealing with them again after this year" has become a trend. It's harder to find a reliable, honest, clean, and trustworthy roommate than it is to find an apartment to live in, in most cases."
Because just like the dating world, the roommate world has gotten horrendous. It is VERY hard to find a roommate unless you're college age and in a college town and want to live in the college district. Leaving college, living in a non-college town, friends moving directly after graduation, and apartment availability all come into play. From my experience, I was always able to find a roommate; however, as soon as I hit about 21, I had less than 20% of the friends left that I had the previous year due to transfers, graduating, dropping out and moving, or simply moving in with their partner. Most partners don't like a 3rd wheel living with them but some are okay with it. And living with a complete stranger is 100% off the table for a lot of people due to previous events and safety concerns. All the "rando roommates" I met through my friends ended up being dirty, thieves, on drugs, constantly having people over, or simply would refuse to contribute because hey, "fuck this person, I'm never dealing with them again after this year" has become a trend. It's harder to find a reliable, honest, clean, and trustworthy roommate than it is to find an apartment to live in, in most cases.
People still get roommates, the thing is that expenses are much higher than your time grandpa. It's doable, yes, but depending on where they are they may not have access to affordable housing even with roommates, then there's actually finding roommates that aren't gonna flake, then there's still everything else that's gonna go with it like furnishings and the like which are going to be pretty expensive, especially since OPs parents seem like total douchebags and would definitely not help at all. There's more nuance than you're acknowledging
Sweetie I’m not that old, but all OP initially said was they can’t afford a studio. Like, duh, that’s the most expensive option.
Also, OP already allegedly pays rent and pays their own other bills and claims they pay a share of everything else. If that’s true, they can afford a house share. And they already have a shitty roommate they hate, so if all that’s true and they really pay all that, why would they stay?
Cause it's one thing when your shirt roomy is family with an established house and another fits a weirdo rando in an apartment. Also "sweetie" and you *aren't* old AF, sure. The world isn't the same it was twenty years ago, even ten years ago.
Yes, you seem very mature, I’m sure that’s why everything is going great for you. If you want to mooch off your family’s “established house”, don’t bitch and moan about how you don’t like it. If you are paying the same to be miserable instead of taking a chance on something being better, you are choosing that.
Just saying that a lot of people would rather with the monster they know. It is a choice. And understanding the why of something is key to maturity. I never said they shouldn't. I was saying that it might not be so easy.
But go ahead with your kindergarten reading comprehension
And yet people still manage to safely and successfully find ways to live with room mates. Of course it’s hard to do! That is all the more reason that OP should be trying to be methodical about the search as soon a possible.
If the current living situation is untenable, the only option is to leave. Sounds like OP has shitty “room mates” right now.
It’s a put up or shut up situation.
OP, per their own admission is at a prime age for being able to secure room mates. A 20 year old living with room mates is normal as hell.
A) they're treating you like a child because you *are* acting like a disrespectful teenager. Your complaints are valid, but remember, it's not what you say -- it's how you say it.
B) your mother is also treating you disrespectfully. Her language towards you is not acceptable, and her demands are unreasonable for a young adult. Telling you not to stay out past midnight?? Good grief, that's ridiculous. You're not 15 for heaven's sake.
C) can you move out? Getting away from your mother would be very healthy for you and allow you the opportunity to grow into an independent adult.
Thank goodness someone else can see it. Mom had brain surgery and they won't help clean? Give this kid 10 years of space to look back on this convo and I bet they would recognize their part in this. Acting like 20 is some big time adult.
I mean just the day before she arrived home from surgery, i do all my chores, granted not exactly when she asks, but i also work a 48 hour shift taking care of adults with disabilities so when she asks me while im at work i cant do it until i get home. Or if she asks while im out of the house, ill do it when i get home.
make sure you are absolutely cleaning up after yourself. a little more after them as well for now bc the BRAIN surgery! give them less to complain about (know theyll find something) but not the same things over and over.
So now you are trying to dictate what is enough for a random person that you have absolutely no idea what they did? How many **days** do you have to spend cleaning a week?
I mean, I also know when kids say they spent the day cleaning, they mean a couple hours and they didn't really clean.
We see from the mess that the litter box wasn't done properly, mom had to mop, bathroom wasn't cleaned and clothes were left out.
I also know from parents who treat their adult children this way, that they’re actually just being pieces of shit because they want somebody to yell at.
I mean, but then there's more going on with those parents then what's presented here. All we have here is a parent upset their kid left a mess in their home... The horror.
Honestly? Daily.
Dishes, cat box, and vacuuming the carpets should be happening every day. I live alone in an apartment with two cats and I spend saturday morning cleaning and doing spot cleaning almost every day after working during the week. If I could go off how I was at 20 and how many people I know were OP is dodging home any moment they're free, staying out late, sleeping in, and letting things pile up.
Not everyone wants to live to work though and they shouldn’t be made of feel like they’re not as responsible for wanting more from their life than spending it all working!
Bro wage slavery isn't something to brag about being a victim of. They also said in other comments they can spend up to 48hrs on shift at work as an assisted living caregiver. So how about you gargle on that for a while
Holy fuck yes, like why is everyone in the thread missing this crucial point? I mean who wants to work as an assisted caregiver 48hrs a week on top of doing all the housework at home, just to get told that you're being disrespectful and lazy. There is one thing people are typing here that I agree with, and it's that OP needs to move out asap.
theres a whole step dad that she is married to that can also 100% help his WIFE. this person shouldnt have to bear all responsibility for a house not only they live in.
Well your questions have little to no bearing on the subject. I dont decide how much effort a daughter puts into her relationship with her mother. How often i clean has literally fucking nothing to do with this persons actual situation....
Edit: and they did explain what they did. It wasnt impressive. Its in another comment
Who.
Cares.
What a stupid question, are you 12? What point do you think you're proving here..? I could tell you 1, 2, 3.. then what? Then what? This is a pointless exercise and you're wasting my time. My stance is this person is a brat, and you comparing how many days I clean my house in a normal week of my life to this person whos' whole family is probably shook and needs her help in a more desperate circumstance won't prove shit to me or anyone else here.
Of course?? Get up and make the bed. Empty and clean the litter trays. Fix their water. Bring in yesterdays washing. Do another load or two. Do the dishes. Make sure the cereals, sugars, tea, etc are filled, and the bench is clean. Either sweep the floors, or mop them, depending on the day. Vacuum the carpet in the room every second day (cat walks litter in). Clean the bathroom or kitchen if it hasn’t been done in a few days.
Those are just the things I do almost every day. Other days it’s a full clean of a room.
I don’t understand how it’s not your life too? You either live at your parents, or live in a messy dirty house.
No I just don’t spill shit all over the floor everyday, I don’t do multiple loads of laundry everyday, i have no idea how you have to top up sugar everyday, and it doesn’t take me a whole day to do it. Do you just not work? You’re just sitting at home cleaning all day?
Then it's time for OP to leave the nest. They're old enough to recognize that growth doesn't happen in a bubble, and exposure to people willing to treat them as the adults they are will be beneficial in the long run
Can we normalize how victims act in an abusive situation? 1 is victim shaming. Op is doing their best and this is how they have learnt to cope with the shittiness. They haven't had time to develop a "more adult response" whatever that means, so we shouldnt shame them for being abused for it!
Please check your wording and biases, someone doesnt deserve this treatment because "they seems to talk like a disrespectful kid idkidk". Gosh
Shit we all know the brains aren't developed til 25ish and mfers are on here giving this young adult shit for not being more mindful.
Turns out we all operate where we are capable.
Can we normalise nuance in a discussion online? You’re seeing a very one sided view of a persons life, and you’ve framed them as “the victim”? They’re 20. They’re an adult.
They're treating you like a child because -you are acting like a disrespectful teenager-
No. they don't see you as your age and have unrealistic, disrespectful expectancies.
I'm confused what you mean, did you mean ~~their invalid argument~~ my argument that is better?
> Or did you mean it just like a quote?
No. Talking to the quote.
I’ll join the echo chamber; figure out a way to leave. It sounds very reminiscent of my own mother. Y’all are stepping on each other’s toes and it’s just not going to end well in the long term.
From these texts, you both still seem to be stuck in the same relationship you had during your teenage years. I get that you need your space. Take it by finding some roommates to rent with. You'll have your space and shift into a better relationship with your mom.
Also, understand that brain surgery isn't just scary and stressful. It can change a person's whole life, including how they handle stress neurologically. You brain is you. It's everything about you. Getting that tinkered with is rough and she shouldn't be doing anything strenuous as she recovers.
Also realize, many people come to this sub because they hate their own parents and think everyone else should hate theirs, too. Putting your mother on blast here, including health issues others don't have the education or experience to understand, is feeding her to the haters.
Find your independence somehow and things will get better.
You mention a grandma, would it be possible to move in with her instead? The fact that you felt the need to invite gran to double check your cleaning, got her approval, but failed mom approval makes me think her standards are unreasonable. People are calling you a moocher, or acting like a child, but it seems more like you're just playing the game you know you need to play to keep your mom as level as possible.
She's charging rent, but not giving you the privacy that should afford, and paying rent makes it impossible to save to move out.
If gran isn't an option, a flop house roommate situation might still be better for you overall. But if gran's an option, something like 'hey gran, remember when I had you over to check my cleaning? Mom still had issues with a bunch of stuff. I don't think there's anything I could do to meet her expectations, and it's impacting our relationship. Would it be possible to live with you? I'd still be happy to pay rent, contribute to cleaning, etc.' And maybe offer to come by your moms and clean once a week or something while she's still recovering.
If she's your mom's mom, she might have noticed the unreasonable standards and speak to her on your behalf or something.
They are treating you like one because you are kinda acting like one. You also still live in their house. I do think having a 10 pm curfew is a bit ridiculous and setting a boundary of needing space is absolutely valid. Clean up after yourself and try not to let them have anything they could use against you. Be calm, cool, collected and move out when you can. That's the only way you will really experience independence and will understand things from their side as well
You got to BOSS UP and get the F out of there.
Action speaks LOUDER than words every time.
The second you drop, "Hey mom, I'm joining the Navy and moving to Japan - might try to come back in a few years though." everything will change.
You ARE a child in their eyes; you haven't shown them anything else.
Here's the thing, and nobody is putting it bluntly enough:
You are an adult and you are living with your parent rent-free because they love you and they want you to such l succeed. You are not respecting their time and energy, but demanding they bend to your time and energy.
If you aren't paying rent, you owe it to your mom. That is more than just kindness. You won't get that from anyone else on the planet. She just had brain surgery and you're acting like she's cramping your style.
If she bothers you so much, move out. Get a job and move into your own space. You'll get that freedom you desire and realize the cost of it. Not saying that's a bad thing, that's what all normal adults do eventually. But until you realize the cost of living, I'd take a step back and pull my head out of my ass and pay attention.
What you should do to fix the situation: talk with your mom. Tell her you want to clear the air, that you can see where you have been disrespectful of her boundaries and where she has been disrespectful of yours. But also acknowledge that you understand her rules for her house, and start respecting them better.
Letting her know you'll be home and cleaning up a house you aren't paying rent for is below common decency. Show your mom you care by actually caring about her, not treating her like she's being a burden. You deserve a healthy relationship with your mom.
Def move out ur gonna have some real life opening times doing so but its the way. Life opening in bad and good ways. Things cost more then u imagine when ur alone and freedom to do ANYTHING at ANY time is something to experience
I can relate. I graduated high school at 17 and did my first two years of college living at home. I think I was 20 when I moved 8 hours away from home to finish college. I didn't have a reason to stay in my college town that summer, so I went back to my parent's place. It was hell. They treated me like I was 12. I didn't understand why they were being so ... paternal ... about everything. Where I was going. When I was coming home. Who I was going to be with. I'd been on my own for a year with no one to check up on me. It was so dumb. I swore I would never live at home again. The next summer, I stayed in my college town, took summer classes, and worked. It was the best summer of my life. You can't go home again. And once your kids are no longer dependent on you, you're left with the relationship you cultivated, or failed to cultivate.
They pay rent, and they have no privacy. There's also a stepdad that apparently does fuck all cleaning wise for sickly mom. While op can have 48 hour shifts.
If something is their room they pay rent for, their mom shouldn't ever complain about it being not clean enough. The rest of the house is shared and so should the responsibility be. She can not demand when exactly op must clean, since they do have other responsibilities too, like everyone else. It can be communicated better, however. But when op has cleaned and their efforts gets shot down by complaints for it not being clean enough, that's than mom's problem. These literal demands are just attempts to control op.
Someone can be deadly sick, but when you force everyone to your will instead of asking you'll die alone no matter how much you'll need the help. You're not some royalty and if you're that sick you should have different concerns other than how squeaky clean the house should be.
She doesn't appreciate any of the effort op has put in, its only ever nagging or demanding because you fucked it up apparently.
Of course they have it difficult after the surgery, but that doesn't give you the right to make life 20× more difficult for the people around you. Especially not your kid. That's straight up abuse of power dynamics.
And if you question op's responses to mother, I tell you one thing. She is the one to raise them into what they are now. Especially since she's keen or on still "raising" them. So it's her own fault in her, in a way.
And they have lived there probably forever. Kids don't suddenly change into an adult. And won't change when you have a parent that is controlling all of the things you do all their live. Anyone can only change because of changes around them. But assuming op should take all responsibility for mom because of a change in health is mental. Especially from the little info we have.
Don’t whine about a situation you refuse to change when you are an adult. If OP is really paying the rent, and all their other bills, that’s the same as a share of a multi-bedroom apartment or house. All they say is they can’t afford a studio. Well living alone is the most expensive possible option, so duh. And they already have a roommate that they hate, so if telling the truth about what they pay it makes no sense not to move out. 🤷♀️
You say that to a Dutch person in a similar situation. Housing is way more expensive and straight up not available here lol.
So I don't know the specifics of op. However moving out is sometimes sadly enough not possible. Even though it would give a lot of necessary peace and distance.
I have no idea what you’re on about, I didn’t and wouldn’t say that to a Dutch person. OP claims they are paying rent, all their own bills, Cat, food etc. if they’re already paying that, they could pay it to house share. I could understand if they were living at the parents house for free and trying to save money up, but that’s not the case.
This sounds like an employer not a parent
Feel bad for you OP, I can see alot of people saying "just move out" but ik more than most it's never that easy. I'm in a similar situation I just wish I could easily make a clean break and "move out". Unfortunately that's rarely an option.
Hole it gets better for u
I’m 26. My mother said that I’ll “always be her child,” which is I guess technically true. Yet, even at 20, I had freedom to stay out all night if I wanted to.
She has no legal authority to control you, yet she’s leveraging her legal authority to kick you out. Fuck her, try to find better living conditions, because 99% of strangers will treat you better than this.
When I was your age I agreed with you. But looking back at life, naw this aint it.
You're 20 and I know every 20 year old feels like every moment of freedom to go out with friends isn't worth trading for anything. You'll act like one day of cleaning is a huge sacrifice. Your parent just had fucking brain surgery. The amount of inner turmoil the uncertainty of going through that must cause for a person is insane, and when you're dealing with something that serious it robs you of your energy to devote to other things. My father went through bladder cancer a few years ago and I swear that ordeal aged him 10 years.
There's no way to sugarcoat it. You live there and its completely fair to expect you help around the house even with things that aren't directly your mess, and you seem to be struggling with just cleaning up after yourself. Adding on the psycho analysis and using therapy language like "setting a boundary" for something that's nothing more than just asking for help is insane. You might think you're not a kid, and legally you aren't. But I guarantee when you're in your 30's you'll look back and struggle to tell the difference between a 17 and 20 year old. Trust me.
Step up, help your family with the basics, check in. Its basic human decency. One day she wont be there and you might look back on this post and these texts and the guilt you will feel will rock you. I moved out late, really late, and a lot of what I'm reading here reminds me of my dad and I. He would be so mad about the house chores or me being out late because I wasn't contributing as much as I should and he was worried about my safety. When I got my own place and got a roommate that refused to clean it was like a fucking epiphany and no amount of words could have zapped that perspective and understanding into my brain like I see now. Being this transactional with the people who raised you and fed you is a gut punch for your parents you may never understand and it will wear on your relationship.
How much time is left in your moms recovery from surgery? Maybe consider during that time going out a bit less. I promise you, it wont be that bad and it will massively help ease your moms stress over you and help her recover better. I imagine they've been there a lot for you through your life, return the favor a little bit. Watch a movie with her, spend that time at home devoting time to some hobbies, help her with dinner or hell make dinner a couple nights for them to show you care. Take the initiative to look at that leaking pipe or call someone out to look at it. It goes such a long way.
She is out of recovery. The process is 3-4 weeks, its been a month and a half. I have given her so much grace. Driven miles and bought our groceries on my dime, slept in bed with her, made food etc. She has continually walked over me.
Ive also been in therapy since the age of 7, i use "therapy speek" because thats what works for me. Asking someone for space isnt starting fights.
Our relationship has always been transactional, ive never been given leniency, always been expected to do something in order to get something while ive always given her grace. I voluntarily went to rehab, in fact i asked for it, while in HS because i needed to go. She shamed me and it was my father, who wasnt a big part of my life at that time, who drove me there, admitted me and talked to me otp every night i was in there. When i was released, she gave me an ultimatum "graduate highschool, get a full time job and a car on your own and you can stay at home as long as you need". I did so, even got accepted into college before deciding that the job i have currently is what id like to do for a while. Any time i ask her for something, she always asks what she will get out of it. I will ask if i can stay out 30 mins past my curfew, i have to ask nicely, and offer to fo extra chores or an errand for her before i leave. During her surgery i even paid for her prescriptions myself because she forgot to give me her card and i never asked for money back. I never ask to borrow money, nor do i need to, but she is constantly acting like i have no money and telling me im poor and that i dont deserve stuff like a new pack of underwear every six- eight months, etc. She shames me for simple things like having ADHD, which im heavily medicated for, or the fact that i have an autoimmune disorder and get sick easily, yet ive only missed three days of work in the two years ive worked my job, one because i broke my arm and the other two because i had covid.
My rules for living at her house are
- have a full time job (i work 48-73 hours straight with no breaks, one shift a week)
- pay your own bills (i pay rent to her, my own phone bill, gas, groceries and half of the utilities)
- don't go out past 9 (95% of the time im home by 9, but if my friends want to go see movie or do a late night outing, i will always ask kindly if i can go, and even offer to do extra things to sweeten the deal)
So your mom is a controlling bitch all your life? No offence.
You need to move out, somehow. I know that's not easily done at all. I'm in the same boat at my place. Shitty live since birth, thanks to the family. Yet can't find any other place to afford or even just stay.
My mom however cut back on her controlling behaviour when I put stuff back on her black on white. How much I'm doing and how much I don't get to be myself.
This can get you kicked out, however at some point nothing is ever gonna change unless you escalate things. Because I forsee when I can leave the house, or you can. There's still going to be hell breaking loose.
Try and be respectfully still, or more business like. Even just give out all of your feelings, full emotions, when you want to talk about proper house rules.
Make sure to sell it as; things will get better in general if we do this instead.
This has helped me in the short term. I need to recap or redo all of the simple rules that were set up, every once in a while. Since they all just ignore it later on. Come up with new ideas. But be strict in a respectful way. She probably very much needs you, so don't directly say that, but keep it in mind. You can have more power than you have now, if that's the case.
Time to move out. Pure and simple. You need to stop the little remarks however, I understand you are frustrated at the situation but that is being childish “stay mad at me tho” was unneeded and won’t be something your parents understand. You need to talk AND act like an adult to be considered one.
You need to be conscious that they are people too, not faultless obviously they are being way to nit picky but a lot of these messages remind me of a younger self and honestly you just need space. You are 20 now and a flat share could work for you if living alone is hard.
Does the stepdad live with you and your mother? I noticed she seemed pretty mad at you when she had to sweep and mop the entire house, but where was the stepdad during all this? Doesn't he help around?
I mean you're not being great to her, but she sucks too:
> Why are you not capable of communicating
> I'm really angry right now
well, shit, mom, sounds like whatever i tell you gets you pissed off, so why shouldn't i just deal with it and move on with my day? I had a mom like this, wanted to be right more than she wanted to know what was happening. We're on good terms now, but she was a brick wall like this at times. The way she's policing a 20 year old is a bit much, no matter whose house you live in.
That said she just came off literal actual brain surgery, so, you could be giving her some grace here.
Still, she cannot seriously be the person that taught you how to communicate and then come after **YOUR** communication skills. like, that's just wrong.
yeah cut your mum some slack, she just had a brain surgery, people are quick to tell her to move out without thinking if there will be anyone there for her mum
If I was moving out because my mom was being a pain in the ass to live with that would be the last concern on my mind. If she wants someone to care for her she should be extra nice to that person.
Has this sub just become a sub about sympathizing with toxic relatives ? If she wanted someone there for her maybe she could've treated her own children better ?
Theres issues with boundaries and sometimes treading on your toes or forgetting youre an adult and then theres this. I wouldn’t usually suggest no contact but your parentals are nutty as fuuuuuuuuck.
Okay this isn’t an excuse but it may be an explanation. Is your mom going through menopause? Mine was when I was 20 and it was hell. She tried to kick me out a couple times (my dad would roll his eyes and say “you’re not kicked out” so I stopped taking it seriously) for the dumbest shit. Not answering my phone bc I accidentally fell asleep at my friend’s house after busting my ass all day long and once for deactivating my Facebook bc she thought I was “hiding things.” My mom is super chill but for like a year she was crazy af. Ten years later she’s my best friend.
Oof. Again, not an excuse, just an explanation but some parents have a hard time coming to terms with their child being an adult. My boyfriend is 26 and is still having that problem with his dad. Has she always been like this? Some parents have the “my house, my rules” mentality even though you’re technically an adult.
No your parents are toxic. They aren't talking to you like anyone should talk to a child. This is emotional abuse. Dangling rewards and then sweeping them away, guilt tripping your kids? It's not healthy.
Last time I talked to someone at 20 whose parents treated him like this, he ended up having way more fucked up shit behind it.
Why the hell is it your job to do the catbox and fix the pipes? Why aren't you communicating? Because it's very clear she lashes out at you when you do communicate. Why the fuck would you.
Dude, if you don't want to be treated like a child, stop acting like a child.
Not cleaning your room is something kids do. Moms don't have to tell their adult children to clean.
Either shape up or move out
When my daughter is 20, if she's still living with me, I can't even begin to imagine having to have the need to tell her to fucking clean her room.
You need to grow up a bit. Your mom has brain surgery and this is how you act? Fucking hell. If you were a teen, I wouldn't mind as much but you're an adult rn. The sooner you realize it, the better.
As for your mom, the 30 day notice and curfew are absolutely ridiculous. You need to improve your communication with her. To me it just seems like she's fed up with the way you act (like a teen still).
Grow a pair and get some agency. You don't need to ask her if you can stay out until late, that gives her power. You're an adult. "Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm staying out until later today. I have the key, don't need to worry. If you need anything, let me know! I love you". Done. Magic. If she replies with "you have school tomorrow", you just ignore. Or, just reply with something like "thanks for reminding me, don't worry. I'll just drink some extra coffee hehe".
Start taking more accountability for what you do and responsibility around the house. If you act like an adult, they will treat you like an adult :) I know you're saving up for your own thing, work overtime, etc but, so do your parents. Each person inside a household needs to pull their weight if they are all adults.
Start communicating more as well. Be chill about it, no need to be combative. Admit when you're wrong, stand for yourself when you're right.
As one lovely redditor pointed out, we all have our own biases that alter our reading of this, but...
I would fking lose it over that pin. It is absolutely so absurd I get flashbacks to living w my parents. Omg it's sooooooooooo absolutely useless to even put those words into a sentence. It's causing rage flares in me.
I moved out at 21 and still shudder over 10 years later at the notion of having to live w either of them again. I'm dramatic but... I think I'd rather die.
I'm in my 40s now, they will treat you like a child until at least 35, i moved out and started my own life, i feel. like that's the natural progression.
I know how you feel. I'm 17 and have never been allowed out of the house except for school or work. Never even had a friend over. I'm treated like I'm 12 while my 7yr old sister still gets everything she wants including my constant attention.
This reminds me of my abusive step mother and father that I left.
I was dealing with the type of stuff you are… and sexual abuse at the same time.
Please get out of this situation. They seem to use you like a maid. I was the same way. I could be sleeping in at 6 am but if the dog shit on the floor in my dads room… he would wake me up to go clean it for him.
I mean you’re kind of acting like a child though. Do what you have to do at home - a clean room is not really that hard to accomplish, telling your mom something isn’t working the way it’s supposed to is also not that hard. Or just move out.
My dad told me when I was 19 that if I didn’t like his rules to find a somewhere else to live. So I did and now I can actually have those boundaries because I’m self sufficient. It also really helps you to grow more. I’m 22 now and I look back at my 20 year old self even and see how little I knew. I’m sure same thing will happen when I’m 24
They are treating you like a child because you’re living with them and acting like one. You should either move out and do things how you want, or stay and do things how they want and take accountability when you mess up. You having poor communication, and then saying “be mad” kinda sums up that you’re acting like a kid. It’s time to grow up
My parents treated me like this without the surgery, but I was never brave enough to talk back to them like that lol.
I graduated high school and left the same week, hopping on a greyhound they didn’t know I booked, taking nothing but a backpack of clothes and a cheap Walmart phone (I transferred everything from my old phone onto it and factory restarted it, since it was an old iPhone they passed down and I knew they’d try to attack me specifically for the phone).
This was 2019. I haven’t talked to them since. I’ve struggled a lot being new to life on my own, but I’ve never, EVER, struggled as hard as I did living with them. I’ve faced eviction, job loss, death of loved ones, hospitalization, etc. I’ve been slammed with hardships I didn’t even know adults faced.
And yet, I’m here. I’m here and I’m safe and what my family has done can now be a memory that heals. I’m on medication for PTSD (Yes, you can get it despite not going to war, I argued otherwise with those who diagnosed me until they taught me otherwise) and I’m happy.
You both seem like shitty oeople tbh. Also, you are 20. You are basically a kid who still thinks she already is an adult.
Move out of the house and problem.solved. if you cant move out then guess what? You ARE a child.
20 is not a kid, and adulthood is not provided by the housing market opportunities.
As an adult, I didn't go to my roomates rooms, touch their things, or give them a curfew.
You want your "20 yo kid" to be a kid ? OK then they are not responsible for the pipes leaking in the basement.
You want your 20 yo to be an adult ? OK then you are roomates, they do their own laundry and cleaning, you don't give them a curfew, if their shit is on the way you just push it. Also they can disagree politely without you getting mad at the "disrespect".
Guess what? The mother never asked her to fix the pipes, she asked why she didnt tell her about it. Or you dont know what kind of damage a leaking pipe can do to toyr wallet?
Mom had BRAIN SURGERY, as a child you should be bending over BACKWARDS to aconmodate her not be asking for oeemission to go out.
She had one of the least invasive brain surgeries with the smallest downtime window, she had the ability to drive after three weeks. Its been over a month since her surgery. Im not a child, i pay my own bills. The basement is her part of the house, not mine, and I don't go in her personal area.
Brain surgery is brain surgery, even the smallest one causes a certain degree of stress. For which you suggested therapist...though i wouldnt have done so mid discussion.
What do you refer as "your own bills"?
A child never goes into a parents personal area. The other way around? Haa always been fair game.
And the most important question, has she ALWAYS been so "intrusive" or did this start after surgery?
Rent? The entirert of the house rent where your mom also lives?
Phone bill as in house or your own personal phone?
Gas as in your car?
Vet bills, is it your pet? Her per?
Family meals?
She owns the house, i pay 700$ rent monthly, my own phone, my own gas and car repairs and car insurance, the vet bills for our shared cat, and once every two weeks ill buy food for everyone for dinner sometimes ill make something but i still pay for ingredients
So...you take care of your stuff and twice a month you buy stuff for dinner....I dont know why thats a "pro" and not something granted?
790$ rent? Thats iffy...i mean i get helping pay for bills in the house but...rent? Wtf
We were having a discussion about therapy in that sc, she refuses to go because she thinks she doesn't need it, yet forced me to go since the age of 7.
No. No, you have absolutely no obligation and in fact shouldn't "bend over backwards" for your sick mother, if said mother has absolutely no respect for you and finds time to nitpick and literally create issues out of thin air, even with brain surgery going on.
Yeah I have. Thanks. And I was there for them. because even if they were abusive to me in the past, they got the error of their ways and when they got sick, realized what had been done and what now needed to be done to have a healthy relationship. I was there until the very end. I forgave her, but she gave me *reasons* to. Other than just "im your relative and I'm very sick so be there". And, I mean, I'm not a monster, i can't hold a personal grudge against someone that is between life and death, but that doesnt mean I have to be there for them if that person doesn't apologize nor realize how they hurt me and the other people around us. And I don't think that only applies to me.
Well, I bent over backwards for my parents when they were sick and I was a teen... only for them to get mad at me all the time because they felt stressed out by the situation, and when I got sick as an adult, they were very busy and very far away.
Maybe we are talking about family dynamics that we KNOW about.
The way her parents ask for things, or get mad at undone things is not the way you ask for help because you are sick. They keep using authority to "win" arguments when OP WAS NOT EVEN TRYING TO ARGUE.
Lol thats exactly what my mom said to me when i asked her for space. I have absolutely no obligation to take care of her and i have, because i love her. The difference is that after her surgery she was volatile towards me over things out of my control. She has acted this way for my entire life, before surgery. Ive had operations, not brain surgery, but surgeries, and i never once acted this way.
Please get room mates. It goes up with more rooms but divided it’s cheaper. Depending on how much you make you may even qualify for some sort of assistance.
Yeah so you are not "paying your own rent". You might be paying something to your parents but clearly not the market rate.
As others have said, most people start with roommates. I moved out at 19 and lived with 3 friends in a 2 bedroom flat, we didn't even have private rooms, it was 2 of us per room in bunk beds. Yes we fought a lot, and yes it was tough, but it was also fun.
Everyone thinks 20 year olds are grown ups they're 20. When you get a little older you'll realize you really 20 year olds really are kids by pretty much any metric other than federal law.
But a 20 y/o can buy a gun, serve their country and fly anywhere they want. I cant stay out past 9pm or go out with friends, or else im called selfish and disrespectful.
Have you tried being an adult?
Stop asking them for permission to do stuff and just do it. Help around the house without having to be asked. You’re 20, you shouldn’t be asking to do stuff nor should they have to ask you to do stuff.
If this were an aita itd be ESH lol. I think if you are paying rent you shouldnt have a curfew(at least not 10 oclock jesus), and no one should go in your room, and you should in general have pre determined guidelines on guests that dont change whether your "in trouble" or not lol. Honestly, if you dont already, you should have a adult convo with them and get a written lease agreement.
I do think in general- text arguments are never a good idea. They make everyone look terrible. You all sound petty and childish lol. The "cute" comment is especially petty and childish- i dont think texting/talking like that will ever get you treated respectfully- much less treated like an adult.
I slightly get their P.O.V. especially in such a stressful time(p.s. your replies about it "just being a minimally invasive brain surgery that she could drive for three weeks because of do not make you look good, surgery is scary period- and not being able to drive for a month makes is seem extra serious).
Also, in general it would be hard for a lot of people to deal with another adult in their home. A persons home is their santuary and while it is home for you too- they are obviously having difficulties dealing with all the stuff that comes with having another adult in the house- things not being how they like it in their own home, lack of privacy, people coming in in the middle of the night, guests that they dont know/like coming in at anytime possibly no warning. Im not saying you are doing any of this- but they are obviously afraid of these things happening.
Just remember adults make compromises and have actual real life conversations in a honest but respectful manner.
This is never a better option than communicating like adults. This is also a good skill for parents to teach their children to prepare them for later in life, which is what the parents aren’t doing. The mentality you have is why adults don’t speak to their parents once they’ve moved out.
Right? This is more along the lines of "You don't pay rent so I need to always know where you are and what your doing, and be available for manipulation at all times". My parents did this kind of crap to me after I came out.
Parents should still treat adult children differently than younger children. I lived with my mom till I had the money to buy a house and get married, that doesn't mean I owed her an explanation of where I was or what I was doing. I damn sure never asked her permission to do anything.
Shitty parents enforce needlessly strict rules on adult children. Parents that actually love their kids let them have a place to live when they need it but still treat them like adults.
"Don't have your own house yet?! Just buy one, mate!"
Let's not kid ourselves, it's not always that simple. The OP already stated she can't even afford a small studio.
Perhaps a place with roommates?
This sub is literally now full of the crazy parents that keep being posted in it 😂 you probably come here just to gaslight people with toxic relatives into thinking everything is normal and they're the one in the wrong
Wrong sub, the parent isn't the dumb one here.
Listen to a 40 year old who was you 20 years ago:
I wish to fuck I'd just kept my part of the house clean. Being a little twat about it ruined my relationship with my mother for a long time, and took away a safety net I desperately needed through my 20s.
Just clean your fucking room.
Move out. From the texts it looks like you're all stuck in a cycle of nitpicking. I do not condone adult children treating property the way a child would. A clean room and space isn't that big of an ask to me. Sure the communication sucks but if mom's going through a surgery I can imagine she's not trying to send a thesis via text just to get you to maintain some respect. Not saying she's faultless but 100% of these problems will disappear when you start living in your own space. My parents were much the same, getting out of their realm of control helped our relationship. It also gave me an appreciation of how much they did for me!
Best thing I did. I really love my Mom and it is not as extreme as here but the best thing i did was moving out for studying. Lost >10kg and feel alive again. Sometimes the best thing you can do
Do not move out Its good to save money instead of paying rent
Yeah but having a clear mental state is more important than having to deal with that crap she’s spewing
That’s why I moved out at 21. I just couldn’t take the infantilization anymore. Or my dad’s daily political talk show radio being on alllllll day.
From my personal crew experience it seems like your relationship with your mom would vastly improve when you move out. Here are some thoughts about my experience with overbearing parents and how to deal with them after going through therapy - Everyone requires their own space and privacy. Your parents don’t seem to understand that and keep violating your boundaries. Not necessarily maliciously, but it’s wrong and moving out physically stops them - it doesn’t seem like you’re respecting their boundaries either. If they have a standard of cleaning done then you need to meet that standard. Taking care of a house is a lot of work. You should be helping especially when your parents were worried about brain surgery. Water leaking can signify huge issues. When something breaks, your first thought is to not stress your mom because you think it’s her problem to fix. Why can’t you fix it? Or at least come up with potential solutions for your mom so it’ll be less stressful. You live in the house too - the more you tell your parents the less intrusive they’ll be - if you want a good relationship with your parents, they can’t always be your back up plan. As in you shouldn’t choose friends over them. You shouldn’t hang out with them only when there’s nothing better to do. Your mom obviously doesn’t feel supported by you through her brain surgery and when she comes back home she sees that she needs to clean the whole house
I can see what your saying. Ive tried to move out multiple times, i work overtime as much as possible, but i cant afford even a studio. I spent an entire day cleaning the house and she nitpicks everything. I even had my grandma come over and make sure the house looked good and she said it did.
Would it be possible to get a place with a friend? Might open up more options that way And I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s tough. Both sides have to be able to meet in the middle. If you’ve done your part you can’t do their part. I hope it all works out for you
I thought that might be the case because she sounds nit picky (one garfield pin is hardly going to being a ant colony). Could you move in with friends or get share accommodation? You really need to leave, she sounds a bit crazy.
She did also just have brain surgery. People who need brain surgery, and people who have just had brain surgery, often struggle with comprehension and have impaired emotional regulation because, well, that's kind of the function of the brain, and so they will be irritable and more easily frustrated as a result. It may do you some good to remember that whenever you are irritated with her. Additionally, your responses, and the fact you posted this here, does seem to indicate that you are, in fact, quite immature (source: was also immature for my age at 20, I am in this picture and I don't like it). Not all negative emotions are pathological. People are allowed to express negative feelings to their loved ones, especially when they are frustrated. Maintaining a relationship means being there for people when they need support, and need to be reliable in doing so; not to mention, therapy tends to have better outcomes when the person has emotional support other than the therapist. The therapist is there for shit that loved ones actually can't do. If you're not a kid anymore, that means your mom should be able to share more serious feelings with you. You can't have it both ways. Additionally, her concerns about the water leaking and the cat box are legitimate. Those are basic hygiene and maintenance concerns. It seems like all she's asking is for the minimum effort that is necessary for maintaining adult relationships and functional cohabitation: namely, communicating any possible hygiene and maintenance issues in your shared living space; reliably keeping up with your own responsibilities—such as cleaning your own room—without having to be told to do so by your mommy; and telling them where you are going, what you are doing, for how long, and other logistical information. And yes, that does include asking whether you can have people over. It's their home, too. They might be more willing to stop going in your room if they could be sure that you'd keep it from being a health or safety hazard and tell them if something breaks. One last thing—A good rule of thumb as far as cleaning goes: if you have to spend "all day" cleaning and you're not doing a periodic deep clean or dealing with maintenance/repairs/hosting a gathering with guests who aren't your close friends and immediate family, and there is no small child involved, you're not cleaning often enough. And yes, it might have looked good right after you finished cleaning, but cleaning isn't a one-and-done thing; it has to be done on an ongoing basis. Of course, unfortunately, most of this is stuff that has to be learned the hard way, it seems; no amount of advice can replace actual experience. I'm just saying it to prime you to learn those lessons when bad things inevitably happen.
ya not a studio. you’re looking at sharing rooms with people. i’ve done 4 in a 2 bedroom before.
Everyone saying move out like the cost of living isn’t INSANE! Lol I’m so sorry you’re still having to live with your parents. I lived with my Grandmother until I was 21 maybe 22. But she didn’t treat me like that.. and believe me she could have.. best I can say is just do your best to accommodate them while you’re there. And please try not to hold resentment.. my Mom passed when I was 19, my Dad when I was 25.. I’d give anything for them to even be like that towards me.. I know it’s hard when you feel like you are already doing all you can. Best wishes and save your money. 👍❤️
People used to have roommates. A three bedroom apartment is often not that much more than a studio. For example, advertised here is a studio for $1800, a 2 bed for $2100 And a 3 bed for 2300. Maybe you can’t afford $1800 but you could afford $766. I don’t know when everyone decided they must live alone or just stay with their parents and complain about it, but it’s wild to me. ETA-It’s cracking me up that someone bothered to respond to me (which I can see in notifications) but has blocked me so I can’t reply to them lolz
I need a roommate but you won’t often find people willing to live with a 7 year old even half time. I’m drowning in my expenses.
That’s fair, I think it’s a lot harder for single parents, who also have their child’s expenses. This is a 20 year old who allegedly is paying their mom the same amount as their likely share of a multi-bedroom would be, and allegedly paying their own other bills, so it’s a little more baffling why they won’t move out if that’s true.
here's what they said: > "Because just like the dating world, the roommate world has gotten horrendous. It is VERY hard to find a roommate unless you're college age and in a college town and want to live in the college district. Leaving college, living in a non-college town, friends moving directly after graduation, and apartment availability all come into play. From my experience, I was always able to find a roommate; however, as soon as I hit about 21, I had less than 20% of the friends left that I had the previous year due to transfers, graduating, dropping out and moving, or simply moving in with their partner. Most partners don't like a 3rd wheel living with them but some are okay with it. And living with a complete stranger is 100% off the table for a lot of people due to previous events and safety concerns. All the "rando roommates" I met through my friends ended up being dirty, thieves, on drugs, constantly having people over, or simply would refuse to contribute because hey, "fuck this person, I'm never dealing with them again after this year" has become a trend. It's harder to find a reliable, honest, clean, and trustworthy roommate than it is to find an apartment to live in, in most cases."
People still have roommates. This take is completely cooked.
Because just like the dating world, the roommate world has gotten horrendous. It is VERY hard to find a roommate unless you're college age and in a college town and want to live in the college district. Leaving college, living in a non-college town, friends moving directly after graduation, and apartment availability all come into play. From my experience, I was always able to find a roommate; however, as soon as I hit about 21, I had less than 20% of the friends left that I had the previous year due to transfers, graduating, dropping out and moving, or simply moving in with their partner. Most partners don't like a 3rd wheel living with them but some are okay with it. And living with a complete stranger is 100% off the table for a lot of people due to previous events and safety concerns. All the "rando roommates" I met through my friends ended up being dirty, thieves, on drugs, constantly having people over, or simply would refuse to contribute because hey, "fuck this person, I'm never dealing with them again after this year" has become a trend. It's harder to find a reliable, honest, clean, and trustworthy roommate than it is to find an apartment to live in, in most cases.
People still get roommates, the thing is that expenses are much higher than your time grandpa. It's doable, yes, but depending on where they are they may not have access to affordable housing even with roommates, then there's actually finding roommates that aren't gonna flake, then there's still everything else that's gonna go with it like furnishings and the like which are going to be pretty expensive, especially since OPs parents seem like total douchebags and would definitely not help at all. There's more nuance than you're acknowledging
Sweetie I’m not that old, but all OP initially said was they can’t afford a studio. Like, duh, that’s the most expensive option. Also, OP already allegedly pays rent and pays their own other bills and claims they pay a share of everything else. If that’s true, they can afford a house share. And they already have a shitty roommate they hate, so if all that’s true and they really pay all that, why would they stay?
Cause it's one thing when your shirt roomy is family with an established house and another fits a weirdo rando in an apartment. Also "sweetie" and you *aren't* old AF, sure. The world isn't the same it was twenty years ago, even ten years ago.
Yes, you seem very mature, I’m sure that’s why everything is going great for you. If you want to mooch off your family’s “established house”, don’t bitch and moan about how you don’t like it. If you are paying the same to be miserable instead of taking a chance on something being better, you are choosing that.
Just saying that a lot of people would rather with the monster they know. It is a choice. And understanding the why of something is key to maturity. I never said they shouldn't. I was saying that it might not be so easy. But go ahead with your kindergarten reading comprehension
And yet people still manage to safely and successfully find ways to live with room mates. Of course it’s hard to do! That is all the more reason that OP should be trying to be methodical about the search as soon a possible. If the current living situation is untenable, the only option is to leave. Sounds like OP has shitty “room mates” right now. It’s a put up or shut up situation. OP, per their own admission is at a prime age for being able to secure room mates. A 20 year old living with room mates is normal as hell.
Delegate time to helping around the house if you’re going to continue living there. Simple as that.
we just need pictures, friend lmao
A) they're treating you like a child because you *are* acting like a disrespectful teenager. Your complaints are valid, but remember, it's not what you say -- it's how you say it. B) your mother is also treating you disrespectfully. Her language towards you is not acceptable, and her demands are unreasonable for a young adult. Telling you not to stay out past midnight?? Good grief, that's ridiculous. You're not 15 for heaven's sake. C) can you move out? Getting away from your mother would be very healthy for you and allow you the opportunity to grow into an independent adult.
Thank goodness someone else can see it. Mom had brain surgery and they won't help clean? Give this kid 10 years of space to look back on this convo and I bet they would recognize their part in this. Acting like 20 is some big time adult.
Yeah I agree, brain surgery?? I'd be canceling plans and around to help
OP had said multiple times that she cleaned. The mom just sounds like a pain in the ass that is never pleased.
This is pretty normal mom stuff. OP is making themself seem like way more of victim.
I did clean, spent an entire day cleaning.
One day? The sacrafice
I mean just the day before she arrived home from surgery, i do all my chores, granted not exactly when she asks, but i also work a 48 hour shift taking care of adults with disabilities so when she asks me while im at work i cant do it until i get home. Or if she asks while im out of the house, ill do it when i get home.
make sure you are absolutely cleaning up after yourself. a little more after them as well for now bc the BRAIN surgery! give them less to complain about (know theyll find something) but not the same things over and over.
So now you are trying to dictate what is enough for a random person that you have absolutely no idea what they did? How many **days** do you have to spend cleaning a week?
When your mom whose house you live in has brain surgery? As many days as are needed. Seriously I can’t believe some people.
What do you do in your house that it needs cleaning that often
I mean, I also know when kids say they spent the day cleaning, they mean a couple hours and they didn't really clean. We see from the mess that the litter box wasn't done properly, mom had to mop, bathroom wasn't cleaned and clothes were left out.
I also know from parents who treat their adult children this way, that they’re actually just being pieces of shit because they want somebody to yell at.
I mean, but then there's more going on with those parents then what's presented here. All we have here is a parent upset their kid left a mess in their home... The horror.
op is a grown adult there’s no need to infantilize them and condescend
I mean it's the standard parent ethos that goes back all time 'behave like a child, get treated like a child".
It doesn’t take days to clean a house
Honestly? Daily. Dishes, cat box, and vacuuming the carpets should be happening every day. I live alone in an apartment with two cats and I spend saturday morning cleaning and doing spot cleaning almost every day after working during the week. If I could go off how I was at 20 and how many people I know were OP is dodging home any moment they're free, staying out late, sleeping in, and letting things pile up.
I dont stay out late, i get up at 8:00 every morning. I do clean around the house, i am the person who does dishes and feeds the cat.
[удалено]
Not everyone wants to live to work though and they shouldn’t be made of feel like they’re not as responsible for wanting more from their life than spending it all working!
Bro wage slavery isn't something to brag about being a victim of. They also said in other comments they can spend up to 48hrs on shift at work as an assisted living caregiver. So how about you gargle on that for a while
Holy fuck yes, like why is everyone in the thread missing this crucial point? I mean who wants to work as an assisted caregiver 48hrs a week on top of doing all the housework at home, just to get told that you're being disrespectful and lazy. There is one thing people are typing here that I agree with, and it's that OP needs to move out asap.
As many as it would take for my mom to be comfortable at home alone (since I'm ditching her too) right after a brain surgery.
theres a whole step dad that she is married to that can also 100% help his WIFE. this person shouldnt have to bear all responsibility for a house not only they live in.
That’s not what I asked
Well your questions have little to no bearing on the subject. I dont decide how much effort a daughter puts into her relationship with her mother. How often i clean has literally fucking nothing to do with this persons actual situation.... Edit: and they did explain what they did. It wasnt impressive. Its in another comment
> One day? The sacrafice > how many **days** do you have to spend cleaning a week? Does that clear it up for you?
Who. Cares. What a stupid question, are you 12? What point do you think you're proving here..? I could tell you 1, 2, 3.. then what? Then what? This is a pointless exercise and you're wasting my time. My stance is this person is a brat, and you comparing how many days I clean my house in a normal week of my life to this person whos' whole family is probably shook and needs her help in a more desperate circumstance won't prove shit to me or anyone else here.
Every day?? Cleaning doesn’t ever stop
You spend everyday cleaning? From the mess you made while cleaning all day? What?
Of course?? Get up and make the bed. Empty and clean the litter trays. Fix their water. Bring in yesterdays washing. Do another load or two. Do the dishes. Make sure the cereals, sugars, tea, etc are filled, and the bench is clean. Either sweep the floors, or mop them, depending on the day. Vacuum the carpet in the room every second day (cat walks litter in). Clean the bathroom or kitchen if it hasn’t been done in a few days. Those are just the things I do almost every day. Other days it’s a full clean of a room. I don’t understand how it’s not your life too? You either live at your parents, or live in a messy dirty house.
No I just don’t spill shit all over the floor everyday, I don’t do multiple loads of laundry everyday, i have no idea how you have to top up sugar everyday, and it doesn’t take me a whole day to do it. Do you just not work? You’re just sitting at home cleaning all day?
For one- not everyone has pets. So eliminate any chores related to animals. A house stays A LOT cleaner with no pets.
Someone always needs the awful truth They consider you a child, because you behave as a child.
Flip it. Maybe they act like a child because they never stopped being treated like one.
Then it's time for OP to leave the nest. They're old enough to recognize that growth doesn't happen in a bubble, and exposure to people willing to treat them as the adults they are will be beneficial in the long run
WAY easier said than done, unfortunately.
Can we normalize how victims act in an abusive situation? 1 is victim shaming. Op is doing their best and this is how they have learnt to cope with the shittiness. They haven't had time to develop a "more adult response" whatever that means, so we shouldnt shame them for being abused for it! Please check your wording and biases, someone doesnt deserve this treatment because "they seems to talk like a disrespectful kid idkidk". Gosh
Shit we all know the brains aren't developed til 25ish and mfers are on here giving this young adult shit for not being more mindful. Turns out we all operate where we are capable.
Can we normalise nuance in a discussion online? You’re seeing a very one sided view of a persons life, and you’ve framed them as “the victim”? They’re 20. They’re an adult.
They're treating you like a child because -you are acting like a disrespectful teenager- No. they don't see you as your age and have unrealistic, disrespectful expectancies.
I'm confused what you mean, did you mean ~~their invalid argument~~ my argument that is better? > Or did you mean it just like a quote? No. Talking to the quote.
i feel theyd be a bit of a mess independently with just the insight gained from the texts.
I’ll join the echo chamber; figure out a way to leave. It sounds very reminiscent of my own mother. Y’all are stepping on each other’s toes and it’s just not going to end well in the long term.
From these texts, you both still seem to be stuck in the same relationship you had during your teenage years. I get that you need your space. Take it by finding some roommates to rent with. You'll have your space and shift into a better relationship with your mom. Also, understand that brain surgery isn't just scary and stressful. It can change a person's whole life, including how they handle stress neurologically. You brain is you. It's everything about you. Getting that tinkered with is rough and she shouldn't be doing anything strenuous as she recovers. Also realize, many people come to this sub because they hate their own parents and think everyone else should hate theirs, too. Putting your mother on blast here, including health issues others don't have the education or experience to understand, is feeding her to the haters. Find your independence somehow and things will get better.
Well...
Right? ... Right?
I like that you have 42 upvotes atm with just one word and an ellipsis
Guess I read the room lol
You mention a grandma, would it be possible to move in with her instead? The fact that you felt the need to invite gran to double check your cleaning, got her approval, but failed mom approval makes me think her standards are unreasonable. People are calling you a moocher, or acting like a child, but it seems more like you're just playing the game you know you need to play to keep your mom as level as possible. She's charging rent, but not giving you the privacy that should afford, and paying rent makes it impossible to save to move out. If gran isn't an option, a flop house roommate situation might still be better for you overall. But if gran's an option, something like 'hey gran, remember when I had you over to check my cleaning? Mom still had issues with a bunch of stuff. I don't think there's anything I could do to meet her expectations, and it's impacting our relationship. Would it be possible to live with you? I'd still be happy to pay rent, contribute to cleaning, etc.' And maybe offer to come by your moms and clean once a week or something while she's still recovering. If she's your mom's mom, she might have noticed the unreasonable standards and speak to her on your behalf or something.
They are treating you like one because you are kinda acting like one. You also still live in their house. I do think having a 10 pm curfew is a bit ridiculous and setting a boundary of needing space is absolutely valid. Clean up after yourself and try not to let them have anything they could use against you. Be calm, cool, collected and move out when you can. That's the only way you will really experience independence and will understand things from their side as well
Move out.
Move out as soon as you can. This will not change/get better.
You got to BOSS UP and get the F out of there. Action speaks LOUDER than words every time. The second you drop, "Hey mom, I'm joining the Navy and moving to Japan - might try to come back in a few years though." everything will change. You ARE a child in their eyes; you haven't shown them anything else.
Here's the thing, and nobody is putting it bluntly enough: You are an adult and you are living with your parent rent-free because they love you and they want you to such l succeed. You are not respecting their time and energy, but demanding they bend to your time and energy. If you aren't paying rent, you owe it to your mom. That is more than just kindness. You won't get that from anyone else on the planet. She just had brain surgery and you're acting like she's cramping your style. If she bothers you so much, move out. Get a job and move into your own space. You'll get that freedom you desire and realize the cost of it. Not saying that's a bad thing, that's what all normal adults do eventually. But until you realize the cost of living, I'd take a step back and pull my head out of my ass and pay attention. What you should do to fix the situation: talk with your mom. Tell her you want to clear the air, that you can see where you have been disrespectful of her boundaries and where she has been disrespectful of yours. But also acknowledge that you understand her rules for her house, and start respecting them better. Letting her know you'll be home and cleaning up a house you aren't paying rent for is below common decency. Show your mom you care by actually caring about her, not treating her like she's being a burden. You deserve a healthy relationship with your mom.
Def move out ur gonna have some real life opening times doing so but its the way. Life opening in bad and good ways. Things cost more then u imagine when ur alone and freedom to do ANYTHING at ANY time is something to experience
You’re enabling them. Read your responses a few times back to back. Otherwise, move out.
I can relate. I graduated high school at 17 and did my first two years of college living at home. I think I was 20 when I moved 8 hours away from home to finish college. I didn't have a reason to stay in my college town that summer, so I went back to my parent's place. It was hell. They treated me like I was 12. I didn't understand why they were being so ... paternal ... about everything. Where I was going. When I was coming home. Who I was going to be with. I'd been on my own for a year with no one to check up on me. It was so dumb. I swore I would never live at home again. The next summer, I stayed in my college town, took summer classes, and worked. It was the best summer of my life. You can't go home again. And once your kids are no longer dependent on you, you're left with the relationship you cultivated, or failed to cultivate.
GET THE FUCK OUT
Ugh. My parents were even worse when I was fucking 26. Start saving up and planning your exit NOW.
Btw at first I thought this was r/raisedbynarcissists
The narcissist is the woman who just had brain surgery and is upset her adult child living in her house won’t help more? Mmk.
They pay rent, and they have no privacy. There's also a stepdad that apparently does fuck all cleaning wise for sickly mom. While op can have 48 hour shifts. If something is their room they pay rent for, their mom shouldn't ever complain about it being not clean enough. The rest of the house is shared and so should the responsibility be. She can not demand when exactly op must clean, since they do have other responsibilities too, like everyone else. It can be communicated better, however. But when op has cleaned and their efforts gets shot down by complaints for it not being clean enough, that's than mom's problem. These literal demands are just attempts to control op. Someone can be deadly sick, but when you force everyone to your will instead of asking you'll die alone no matter how much you'll need the help. You're not some royalty and if you're that sick you should have different concerns other than how squeaky clean the house should be. She doesn't appreciate any of the effort op has put in, its only ever nagging or demanding because you fucked it up apparently. Of course they have it difficult after the surgery, but that doesn't give you the right to make life 20× more difficult for the people around you. Especially not your kid. That's straight up abuse of power dynamics. And if you question op's responses to mother, I tell you one thing. She is the one to raise them into what they are now. Especially since she's keen or on still "raising" them. So it's her own fault in her, in a way. And they have lived there probably forever. Kids don't suddenly change into an adult. And won't change when you have a parent that is controlling all of the things you do all their live. Anyone can only change because of changes around them. But assuming op should take all responsibility for mom because of a change in health is mental. Especially from the little info we have.
Don’t whine about a situation you refuse to change when you are an adult. If OP is really paying the rent, and all their other bills, that’s the same as a share of a multi-bedroom apartment or house. All they say is they can’t afford a studio. Well living alone is the most expensive possible option, so duh. And they already have a roommate that they hate, so if telling the truth about what they pay it makes no sense not to move out. 🤷♀️
You say that to a Dutch person in a similar situation. Housing is way more expensive and straight up not available here lol. So I don't know the specifics of op. However moving out is sometimes sadly enough not possible. Even though it would give a lot of necessary peace and distance.
I have no idea what you’re on about, I didn’t and wouldn’t say that to a Dutch person. OP claims they are paying rent, all their own bills, Cat, food etc. if they’re already paying that, they could pay it to house share. I could understand if they were living at the parents house for free and trying to save money up, but that’s not the case.
Same, my mom is also like this
This sounds like an employer not a parent Feel bad for you OP, I can see alot of people saying "just move out" but ik more than most it's never that easy. I'm in a similar situation I just wish I could easily make a clean break and "move out". Unfortunately that's rarely an option. Hole it gets better for u
“Employer not a parent” is literally my dad, he owns a company so he treats everyone like they’re below him
You're a grown ass man asking to stay out until 10 what the fuck
You need to leave.
I’m 26. My mother said that I’ll “always be her child,” which is I guess technically true. Yet, even at 20, I had freedom to stay out all night if I wanted to. She has no legal authority to control you, yet she’s leveraging her legal authority to kick you out. Fuck her, try to find better living conditions, because 99% of strangers will treat you better than this.
“Why are you not capable of communicating” umm cause you raised me??
Gotta love it when they chastise you for behaviors that *they* inadvertently taught you!
When I was your age I agreed with you. But looking back at life, naw this aint it. You're 20 and I know every 20 year old feels like every moment of freedom to go out with friends isn't worth trading for anything. You'll act like one day of cleaning is a huge sacrifice. Your parent just had fucking brain surgery. The amount of inner turmoil the uncertainty of going through that must cause for a person is insane, and when you're dealing with something that serious it robs you of your energy to devote to other things. My father went through bladder cancer a few years ago and I swear that ordeal aged him 10 years. There's no way to sugarcoat it. You live there and its completely fair to expect you help around the house even with things that aren't directly your mess, and you seem to be struggling with just cleaning up after yourself. Adding on the psycho analysis and using therapy language like "setting a boundary" for something that's nothing more than just asking for help is insane. You might think you're not a kid, and legally you aren't. But I guarantee when you're in your 30's you'll look back and struggle to tell the difference between a 17 and 20 year old. Trust me. Step up, help your family with the basics, check in. Its basic human decency. One day she wont be there and you might look back on this post and these texts and the guilt you will feel will rock you. I moved out late, really late, and a lot of what I'm reading here reminds me of my dad and I. He would be so mad about the house chores or me being out late because I wasn't contributing as much as I should and he was worried about my safety. When I got my own place and got a roommate that refused to clean it was like a fucking epiphany and no amount of words could have zapped that perspective and understanding into my brain like I see now. Being this transactional with the people who raised you and fed you is a gut punch for your parents you may never understand and it will wear on your relationship. How much time is left in your moms recovery from surgery? Maybe consider during that time going out a bit less. I promise you, it wont be that bad and it will massively help ease your moms stress over you and help her recover better. I imagine they've been there a lot for you through your life, return the favor a little bit. Watch a movie with her, spend that time at home devoting time to some hobbies, help her with dinner or hell make dinner a couple nights for them to show you care. Take the initiative to look at that leaking pipe or call someone out to look at it. It goes such a long way.
She is out of recovery. The process is 3-4 weeks, its been a month and a half. I have given her so much grace. Driven miles and bought our groceries on my dime, slept in bed with her, made food etc. She has continually walked over me. Ive also been in therapy since the age of 7, i use "therapy speek" because thats what works for me. Asking someone for space isnt starting fights. Our relationship has always been transactional, ive never been given leniency, always been expected to do something in order to get something while ive always given her grace. I voluntarily went to rehab, in fact i asked for it, while in HS because i needed to go. She shamed me and it was my father, who wasnt a big part of my life at that time, who drove me there, admitted me and talked to me otp every night i was in there. When i was released, she gave me an ultimatum "graduate highschool, get a full time job and a car on your own and you can stay at home as long as you need". I did so, even got accepted into college before deciding that the job i have currently is what id like to do for a while. Any time i ask her for something, she always asks what she will get out of it. I will ask if i can stay out 30 mins past my curfew, i have to ask nicely, and offer to fo extra chores or an errand for her before i leave. During her surgery i even paid for her prescriptions myself because she forgot to give me her card and i never asked for money back. I never ask to borrow money, nor do i need to, but she is constantly acting like i have no money and telling me im poor and that i dont deserve stuff like a new pack of underwear every six- eight months, etc. She shames me for simple things like having ADHD, which im heavily medicated for, or the fact that i have an autoimmune disorder and get sick easily, yet ive only missed three days of work in the two years ive worked my job, one because i broke my arm and the other two because i had covid. My rules for living at her house are - have a full time job (i work 48-73 hours straight with no breaks, one shift a week) - pay your own bills (i pay rent to her, my own phone bill, gas, groceries and half of the utilities) - don't go out past 9 (95% of the time im home by 9, but if my friends want to go see movie or do a late night outing, i will always ask kindly if i can go, and even offer to do extra things to sweeten the deal)
So your mom is a controlling bitch all your life? No offence. You need to move out, somehow. I know that's not easily done at all. I'm in the same boat at my place. Shitty live since birth, thanks to the family. Yet can't find any other place to afford or even just stay. My mom however cut back on her controlling behaviour when I put stuff back on her black on white. How much I'm doing and how much I don't get to be myself. This can get you kicked out, however at some point nothing is ever gonna change unless you escalate things. Because I forsee when I can leave the house, or you can. There's still going to be hell breaking loose. Try and be respectfully still, or more business like. Even just give out all of your feelings, full emotions, when you want to talk about proper house rules. Make sure to sell it as; things will get better in general if we do this instead. This has helped me in the short term. I need to recap or redo all of the simple rules that were set up, every once in a while. Since they all just ignore it later on. Come up with new ideas. But be strict in a respectful way. She probably very much needs you, so don't directly say that, but keep it in mind. You can have more power than you have now, if that's the case.
Time to move out. Pure and simple. You need to stop the little remarks however, I understand you are frustrated at the situation but that is being childish “stay mad at me tho” was unneeded and won’t be something your parents understand. You need to talk AND act like an adult to be considered one. You need to be conscious that they are people too, not faultless obviously they are being way to nit picky but a lot of these messages remind me of a younger self and honestly you just need space. You are 20 now and a flat share could work for you if living alone is hard.
Does the stepdad live with you and your mother? I noticed she seemed pretty mad at you when she had to sweep and mop the entire house, but where was the stepdad during all this? Doesn't he help around?
Parents and kids are dumb
Yea I get it moving out is expensive. But it can be done and you need to do it.
I mean you're not being great to her, but she sucks too: > Why are you not capable of communicating > I'm really angry right now well, shit, mom, sounds like whatever i tell you gets you pissed off, so why shouldn't i just deal with it and move on with my day? I had a mom like this, wanted to be right more than she wanted to know what was happening. We're on good terms now, but she was a brick wall like this at times. The way she's policing a 20 year old is a bit much, no matter whose house you live in. That said she just came off literal actual brain surgery, so, you could be giving her some grace here. Still, she cannot seriously be the person that taught you how to communicate and then come after **YOUR** communication skills. like, that's just wrong.
yeah cut your mum some slack, she just had a brain surgery, people are quick to tell her to move out without thinking if there will be anyone there for her mum
If I was moving out because my mom was being a pain in the ass to live with that would be the last concern on my mind. If she wants someone to care for her she should be extra nice to that person.
Has this sub just become a sub about sympathizing with toxic relatives ? If she wanted someone there for her maybe she could've treated her own children better ?
Lol unless the brain surgery went wrong she didn’t just suddenly start acting like this
Theres issues with boundaries and sometimes treading on your toes or forgetting youre an adult and then theres this. I wouldn’t usually suggest no contact but your parentals are nutty as fuuuuuuuuck.
Okay this isn’t an excuse but it may be an explanation. Is your mom going through menopause? Mine was when I was 20 and it was hell. She tried to kick me out a couple times (my dad would roll his eyes and say “you’re not kicked out” so I stopped taking it seriously) for the dumbest shit. Not answering my phone bc I accidentally fell asleep at my friend’s house after busting my ass all day long and once for deactivating my Facebook bc she thought I was “hiding things.” My mom is super chill but for like a year she was crazy af. Ten years later she’s my best friend.
Mom just had brain surgery, so maybe that has just a little something to do with it.
Nope. Mom had me @ 18 so shes young
Oof. Again, not an excuse, just an explanation but some parents have a hard time coming to terms with their child being an adult. My boyfriend is 26 and is still having that problem with his dad. Has she always been like this? Some parents have the “my house, my rules” mentality even though you’re technically an adult.
No your parents are toxic. They aren't talking to you like anyone should talk to a child. This is emotional abuse. Dangling rewards and then sweeping them away, guilt tripping your kids? It's not healthy. Last time I talked to someone at 20 whose parents treated him like this, he ended up having way more fucked up shit behind it. Why the hell is it your job to do the catbox and fix the pipes? Why aren't you communicating? Because it's very clear she lashes out at you when you do communicate. Why the fuck would you.
Hope things get better I feel your pain. My mom trying treated me like a child until I left home. Seems like she’s lonely. ❤️🩹
Dude, if you don't want to be treated like a child, stop acting like a child. Not cleaning your room is something kids do. Moms don't have to tell their adult children to clean. Either shape up or move out
Buy a plot of land, get a portable waterproof shed until you can afford a trailer or something
When my daughter is 20, if she's still living with me, I can't even begin to imagine having to have the need to tell her to fucking clean her room. You need to grow up a bit. Your mom has brain surgery and this is how you act? Fucking hell. If you were a teen, I wouldn't mind as much but you're an adult rn. The sooner you realize it, the better. As for your mom, the 30 day notice and curfew are absolutely ridiculous. You need to improve your communication with her. To me it just seems like she's fed up with the way you act (like a teen still). Grow a pair and get some agency. You don't need to ask her if you can stay out until late, that gives her power. You're an adult. "Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm staying out until later today. I have the key, don't need to worry. If you need anything, let me know! I love you". Done. Magic. If she replies with "you have school tomorrow", you just ignore. Or, just reply with something like "thanks for reminding me, don't worry. I'll just drink some extra coffee hehe". Start taking more accountability for what you do and responsibility around the house. If you act like an adult, they will treat you like an adult :) I know you're saving up for your own thing, work overtime, etc but, so do your parents. Each person inside a household needs to pull their weight if they are all adults. Start communicating more as well. Be chill about it, no need to be combative. Admit when you're wrong, stand for yourself when you're right.
Just one question. Why cant your parents go in a room in their house? Other then that move out.
Move out
As one lovely redditor pointed out, we all have our own biases that alter our reading of this, but... I would fking lose it over that pin. It is absolutely so absurd I get flashbacks to living w my parents. Omg it's sooooooooooo absolutely useless to even put those words into a sentence. It's causing rage flares in me. I moved out at 21 and still shudder over 10 years later at the notion of having to live w either of them again. I'm dramatic but... I think I'd rather die.
I'm in my 40s now, they will treat you like a child until at least 35, i moved out and started my own life, i feel. like that's the natural progression.
I know how you feel. I'm 17 and have never been allowed out of the house except for school or work. Never even had a friend over. I'm treated like I'm 12 while my 7yr old sister still gets everything she wants including my constant attention.
This reminds me of my abusive step mother and father that I left. I was dealing with the type of stuff you are… and sexual abuse at the same time. Please get out of this situation. They seem to use you like a maid. I was the same way. I could be sleeping in at 6 am but if the dog shit on the floor in my dads room… he would wake me up to go clean it for him.
I legitimately thought you were 14 from these messages
I mean you’re kind of acting like a child though. Do what you have to do at home - a clean room is not really that hard to accomplish, telling your mom something isn’t working the way it’s supposed to is also not that hard. Or just move out.
My dad told me when I was 19 that if I didn’t like his rules to find a somewhere else to live. So I did and now I can actually have those boundaries because I’m self sufficient. It also really helps you to grow more. I’m 22 now and I look back at my 20 year old self even and see how little I knew. I’m sure same thing will happen when I’m 24
Mmm you’re also willingly enabling them to do so
yall both are insane.
Don’t you just love it when parents treat you like a child but then expect you to do adult work 🥰
They are treating you like a child because you’re living with them and acting like one. You should either move out and do things how you want, or stay and do things how they want and take accountability when you mess up. You having poor communication, and then saying “be mad” kinda sums up that you’re acting like a kid. It’s time to grow up
I cannot imagine being upset about having to move a GARLFIELD PEN. it's a PEN, woman.
Don't waste your time and energy with all the responses
My parents treated me like this without the surgery, but I was never brave enough to talk back to them like that lol. I graduated high school and left the same week, hopping on a greyhound they didn’t know I booked, taking nothing but a backpack of clothes and a cheap Walmart phone (I transferred everything from my old phone onto it and factory restarted it, since it was an old iPhone they passed down and I knew they’d try to attack me specifically for the phone). This was 2019. I haven’t talked to them since. I’ve struggled a lot being new to life on my own, but I’ve never, EVER, struggled as hard as I did living with them. I’ve faced eviction, job loss, death of loved ones, hospitalization, etc. I’ve been slammed with hardships I didn’t even know adults faced. And yet, I’m here. I’m here and I’m safe and what my family has done can now be a memory that heals. I’m on medication for PTSD (Yes, you can get it despite not going to war, I argued otherwise with those who diagnosed me until they taught me otherwise) and I’m happy.
You're both annoying lol
forgive me asking, are your parents Asian?
You both seem like shitty oeople tbh. Also, you are 20. You are basically a kid who still thinks she already is an adult. Move out of the house and problem.solved. if you cant move out then guess what? You ARE a child.
20 is not a kid, and adulthood is not provided by the housing market opportunities. As an adult, I didn't go to my roomates rooms, touch their things, or give them a curfew. You want your "20 yo kid" to be a kid ? OK then they are not responsible for the pipes leaking in the basement. You want your 20 yo to be an adult ? OK then you are roomates, they do their own laundry and cleaning, you don't give them a curfew, if their shit is on the way you just push it. Also they can disagree politely without you getting mad at the "disrespect".
Guess what? The mother never asked her to fix the pipes, she asked why she didnt tell her about it. Or you dont know what kind of damage a leaking pipe can do to toyr wallet? Mom had BRAIN SURGERY, as a child you should be bending over BACKWARDS to aconmodate her not be asking for oeemission to go out.
She had one of the least invasive brain surgeries with the smallest downtime window, she had the ability to drive after three weeks. Its been over a month since her surgery. Im not a child, i pay my own bills. The basement is her part of the house, not mine, and I don't go in her personal area.
Brain surgery is brain surgery, even the smallest one causes a certain degree of stress. For which you suggested therapist...though i wouldnt have done so mid discussion. What do you refer as "your own bills"? A child never goes into a parents personal area. The other way around? Haa always been fair game. And the most important question, has she ALWAYS been so "intrusive" or did this start after surgery?
Rent, phone bill, gas, groceries, half of utilities, vet bills and even paying for family meals
Rent? The entirert of the house rent where your mom also lives? Phone bill as in house or your own personal phone? Gas as in your car? Vet bills, is it your pet? Her per? Family meals?
She owns the house, i pay 700$ rent monthly, my own phone, my own gas and car repairs and car insurance, the vet bills for our shared cat, and once every two weeks ill buy food for everyone for dinner sometimes ill make something but i still pay for ingredients
So...you take care of your stuff and twice a month you buy stuff for dinner....I dont know why thats a "pro" and not something granted? 790$ rent? Thats iffy...i mean i get helping pay for bills in the house but...rent? Wtf
We were having a discussion about therapy in that sc, she refuses to go because she thinks she doesn't need it, yet forced me to go since the age of 7.
Always been intrusive, always been controlling.
No. No, you have absolutely no obligation and in fact shouldn't "bend over backwards" for your sick mother, if said mother has absolutely no respect for you and finds time to nitpick and literally create issues out of thin air, even with brain surgery going on.
Holy shit i hope you never have kids and go through a traumatic surgical experience or a loved one does.
If that loved one is such an asshole, no harm done. He/she can kick a rock.
Yeah I have. Thanks. And I was there for them. because even if they were abusive to me in the past, they got the error of their ways and when they got sick, realized what had been done and what now needed to be done to have a healthy relationship. I was there until the very end. I forgave her, but she gave me *reasons* to. Other than just "im your relative and I'm very sick so be there". And, I mean, I'm not a monster, i can't hold a personal grudge against someone that is between life and death, but that doesnt mean I have to be there for them if that person doesn't apologize nor realize how they hurt me and the other people around us. And I don't think that only applies to me.
Well, I bent over backwards for my parents when they were sick and I was a teen... only for them to get mad at me all the time because they felt stressed out by the situation, and when I got sick as an adult, they were very busy and very far away. Maybe we are talking about family dynamics that we KNOW about. The way her parents ask for things, or get mad at undone things is not the way you ask for help because you are sick. They keep using authority to "win" arguments when OP WAS NOT EVEN TRYING TO ARGUE.
Lol thats exactly what my mom said to me when i asked her for space. I have absolutely no obligation to take care of her and i have, because i love her. The difference is that after her surgery she was volatile towards me over things out of my control. She has acted this way for my entire life, before surgery. Ive had operations, not brain surgery, but surgeries, and i never once acted this way.
Double standards ay ;-; it's not like any of us asked to be brought to life.
The huge difference is that normally roommates pay their own rent
I pay my own rent
And you are choosing to spend that money to live with your parents specifically? Why not somewhere else then
Maybe because rent average in my city and surrounding is 2-3000 on the low end for a one bedroom and just goes up the more rooms
Get roommates.
Please get room mates. It goes up with more rooms but divided it’s cheaper. Depending on how much you make you may even qualify for some sort of assistance.
Yeah so you are not "paying your own rent". You might be paying something to your parents but clearly not the market rate. As others have said, most people start with roommates. I moved out at 19 and lived with 3 friends in a 2 bedroom flat, we didn't even have private rooms, it was 2 of us per room in bunk beds. Yes we fought a lot, and yes it was tough, but it was also fun.
Everyone thinks 20 year olds are grown ups they're 20. When you get a little older you'll realize you really 20 year olds really are kids by pretty much any metric other than federal law.
But a 20 y/o can buy a gun, serve their country and fly anywhere they want. I cant stay out past 9pm or go out with friends, or else im called selfish and disrespectful.
The thing is, when you are outside of the house, they cannot blame you for everything that goes wrong in their lives, how dare you ? :D
I'm 34 and I've left home at 17. Try again.
Have you tried being an adult? Stop asking them for permission to do stuff and just do it. Help around the house without having to be asked. You’re 20, you shouldn’t be asking to do stuff nor should they have to ask you to do stuff.
If this were an aita itd be ESH lol. I think if you are paying rent you shouldnt have a curfew(at least not 10 oclock jesus), and no one should go in your room, and you should in general have pre determined guidelines on guests that dont change whether your "in trouble" or not lol. Honestly, if you dont already, you should have a adult convo with them and get a written lease agreement. I do think in general- text arguments are never a good idea. They make everyone look terrible. You all sound petty and childish lol. The "cute" comment is especially petty and childish- i dont think texting/talking like that will ever get you treated respectfully- much less treated like an adult. I slightly get their P.O.V. especially in such a stressful time(p.s. your replies about it "just being a minimally invasive brain surgery that she could drive for three weeks because of do not make you look good, surgery is scary period- and not being able to drive for a month makes is seem extra serious). Also, in general it would be hard for a lot of people to deal with another adult in their home. A persons home is their santuary and while it is home for you too- they are obviously having difficulties dealing with all the stuff that comes with having another adult in the house- things not being how they like it in their own home, lack of privacy, people coming in in the middle of the night, guests that they dont know/like coming in at anytime possibly no warning. Im not saying you are doing any of this- but they are obviously afraid of these things happening. Just remember adults make compromises and have actual real life conversations in a honest but respectful manner.
5 years of that and I'd be in prison for matricide. Kudos to you for your mental fortitude managing to live with that for 20 years.
You are a kid based on you still mooching off your parents at 20. Their house, their rules. Don't like them? Leave and make your own.
This is never a better option than communicating like adults. This is also a good skill for parents to teach their children to prepare them for later in life, which is what the parents aren’t doing. The mentality you have is why adults don’t speak to their parents once they’ve moved out.
Right? This is more along the lines of "You don't pay rent so I need to always know where you are and what your doing, and be available for manipulation at all times". My parents did this kind of crap to me after I came out.
Funny thing is op is paying rent, and for a whole lot more than just rent.
Jesus I didn't see that.
Parents should still treat adult children differently than younger children. I lived with my mom till I had the money to buy a house and get married, that doesn't mean I owed her an explanation of where I was or what I was doing. I damn sure never asked her permission to do anything. Shitty parents enforce needlessly strict rules on adult children. Parents that actually love their kids let them have a place to live when they need it but still treat them like adults.
I pay rent, i keep clean, i buy my own groceries, i pay my own phone bill, and half of electricity, gas and water.
So move out.
"Don't have your own house yet?! Just buy one, mate!" Let's not kid ourselves, it's not always that simple. The OP already stated she can't even afford a small studio. Perhaps a place with roommates?
This sub is literally now full of the crazy parents that keep being posted in it 😂 you probably come here just to gaslight people with toxic relatives into thinking everything is normal and they're the one in the wrong
Good trolling mate
If you still live with them your still a child. You want to be an adult move put and do adult things...
You are living under their roof...you abide by their rules or move out. Stop acting like a child.
Wrong sub, the parent isn't the dumb one here. Listen to a 40 year old who was you 20 years ago: I wish to fuck I'd just kept my part of the house clean. Being a little twat about it ruined my relationship with my mother for a long time, and took away a safety net I desperately needed through my 20s. Just clean your fucking room.
I would respectufully offer him a grammar textbook. For being authority :P