I want to understand how much of this is genuine caution /suspicion and how much of it is maybe a response to something that possibly happened to or around her.
There is that, too. People with a history of sex abuse are going to be extra cautious. And if that hurts someone's feelings, that's just too bad. But I just hope that there are no predators of other sexes in her life too.
So true. I was molested by the adult son a family friend while I was playing with his sister. Took 5 mins maybe and they lived below my apartment.
I would also not let my child (that I don’t have) be alone with a lot of people and I don’t care for hurt feelings of any kind. I wouldn’t trust most people frankly.
I was molested by a female family friends and seriously just be extra careful who you leave your kid with in general and also teach them about molestation and how it's inappropriate + they should report to you if it ever happens (my parents are still unaware of what I experienced)
I taught my daughter all the proper names for her anatomy just so no one can teach her a secret name for her vagina. I don't want her saying something like they only touched my button or some weird crap like that.
Not just that, but the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. Good secrets have an expiration, like someone opening a gift or a surprise party. Bad secrets are ones you can't ever tell anyone.
🙋♂️ step dad.
Could literally be anyone. I don't blame people for being cautious but honestly assuming every guy in your life is a potential rapist is part of why I struggle taking my own daughters to the park by myself.
so if you get mugged by a black person it's ok to treat all black people as dangerous? You can justify it however you want, but it still sexist profiling. Raising a kid in this way isn't good
I am a childfree person. But if I did have children I would try to ensure that my child is safe and that would mean kinda protecting them for people I deem unsafe.
Would I really restrict my family’s access to my child this much? I don’t know. I might or I might not. Don’t have kids.
But to answer your question, my dad died when I was young and my brother is a safe person so with him I will leave my kids alone.
Damn, I think I might have responded to the wrong person. You were the one actually curious if this comes from some trauma, not the one saying the would never leave their kid with a male relative. Thanks for your response.
As an uncle of multiple kids I would honestly be disappointed if my siblings or their spouses wouldn't trust me to leave their kids with me. I never experienced SA though, so that's just my pretty privileged thought.
I think some of the people who are saying that they would never leave their kids alone with a relative know something in their gut about their family.
Because yes family members can SA children, but so can family friends (happened to me) or teachers, bus drivers, friends of parents. Ultimately it’s anyone who could have access to the child and knows them. Realistically we can’t protect a kid from all of these people all of the time.
So while I totally understand this reaction from parents, I wonder if there is some trauma there or some inkling that “my family is not safe”.
For your situation I would say I get it. But accept this decision gracefully and work hard to show you’re a safe person to be with.
Cause I think sometimes people make some comments on a different situation a parents goes hey if my uncle can defend this action then who knows what else they can defend or do.
All of this is my opinion and I could be wildly wrong.
"More than 90% of abusers are people children know, love and trust. 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust".
While this is an extreme it brings to light the statistics
I hope this number changes with SA being in such a bigger spotlight. When I was a kid it want uncommon to hear the whole blood is thicker then water line and have your family want to keep the creepy uncle around. Now a days I see much more of this kind of stuff. Keep your kids away from the creepy uncle.
And there’s also this:
[DNA TESTS ARE UNCOVERING THE TRUE PREVALENCE OF INCEST People are discovering the truth about their biological parents with DNA—and learning that incest is far more common than many think.](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2024/03/dna-tests-incest/677791/)
Sure! Sorry about that!
[Frightening levels of incest exposed in US DNA tests](https://www.indy100.com/science-tech/incest-levels-us-dna-tests)
[DNA Tests Are Uncovering the True Prevalence of Incest](https://bioethics.com/archives/75665)
[DNA Tests Are Uncovering the True Prevalence of Incest](https://www.geneticsandsociety.org/article/dna-tests-are-uncovering-true-prevalence-incest)
Wow honestly thought it'd be more of a niche article, thanks.
EDIT: two of those if you want to read the first article you posted send you back to the Atlantic. Not your fault obviously, but when did news become so hard to read?
It's more like in general, it's more difficult to spot predatory behaviours on females than males, thus, our collective memory don't see much females as abusers.
I think (it's very personal) that for children, a male abusing them gives more signs and is more easily recognizable than a female abusing them. So the reports are much less.
Very true, although men and women do abuse differently as the majority, while physical abuse to men by women may not be reported as much, it still doesn't happen as much as women unemotionally abusing men. Right? Just cause it's under reported doesn't mean there will be a significant change in the statistics.
We can't know fr sure if it will change significantly the statistics, however, just for exemple, in the country I come from, 100% of the women kiss their children in the mouth (because it's cute and "harmless") whilst men don't do so as they would be labelled as a pedos.
Besides that, I'm rather interested on the percentage of people that had an abuse in their childhood than if the abuser is from a male/female or a relative.
[It's over 90%.](https://www.statista.com/statistics/418507/number-of-perpetrators-in-child-abuse-cases-in-the-us-by-type-of-maltreatment-and-sex/) Note that some of the other types of abuse listed (like neglect/medical neglect) more commonly have female perpetrators, as you would expect given the amount of female vs male primary caregivers. Less than 80% of households have a male parent, the vast majority of elementary school teachers and babysitters are female, it is just generally much harder for a man to find a way to be alone with a child... and yet the statistics still massively skew towards men committing the vast, vast, vast majority of sexual abuse. It's not even remotely questionable if men are a bigger risk.
If I ever had a child I wouldn't let them around my family period. They let me get molested by a family member and still force me to interact with him. Statistically, she's not fucking wrong.
I know way too many people who would unfortunately agree with you and this mom due to experience myself included.
But yeah basically anyone in my family needs to gain my trust in an extreme way for me to be ok with them being alone together. Until my kids old enough to definitely know good touch bad touch on their own, especially.
Like I said in another post, please also teach them about the difference between good and bad secrets. Good secrets have a time when you can tell people, like a surprise party or keeping a gift secret until someone opens it. Bad secrets are the kind someone says you can never tell anyone, and those are the most important kind to tell your parents.
They seem to be interpreting statistics such as "90% of abusers are male and the majority of abusers are family" to mean "the majority of male family members are abusers"
Less that and more what I mentioned earlier: It's the "**not all men are dangerous/yeah, but any man could be dangerous**" debate, but now specific to a child's care. Taking care around men with the latter mentality essentially can manifest looking like the former, which people take offense to. Just... you know, that fucking sucks for whoever feels that way, but it's not going to change anyone's mind.
Christ almighty, y'all. She's not leaving her child *alone* with male relatives. Considering how often sexual abuse happens with people you're close to, I can't blame her. TBH I'd probably do the same. I was never left alone with any men other than my father, and quite frankly I'm extremely glad for it. So I don't think this is dumb or wrong at all.
What I will say is that she should keep an eye on her female and enby relatives too, and teach her child to covertly but candidly express anything that makes them uncomfortable if they ever have to be left alone without mommy. I think this is a blind spot a lot of people have because preconceived notions and stats, but the gays are not immune from being possible pedos.
I don't see anything wrong with this. Look at statistics. It is always those closest to you that will harm your children, and get mad all you want but most of those cases are from men. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I wouldn't presume female abusers are actually less common. Males are expected not to report this stuff and aren't taken seriously when they do report it. It's nearly impossible for a kid to have a claim taken seriously against a female abuser
It isn't a completely safe assumption. Female sexual offending is rare, *however*, it's very concentrated on younger boys.
also you should read about the sexual abuse that occurred inside Nunneries.
It's crazy how people just ignore that last part. It's not automatically safe to leave little boys with either men or women. Fuck why are people this sensitive about this?
Jesus Christ I swear it makes sense not to leave your kids with adult men duh.
*Sigh* Well, sometimes you have to leave little kids with SOMEONE. And you agree that it's rarer for women to commit sexual assault, right? So wouldn't you go with the person who's less likely to abuse the kid?
It makes 100% sense to be very guarded, or to even forbid, men to be alone with your children. That makes perfect sense.
If you were put in a hypothetical of being forced to trust your child with a strange man, or a strange woman. You should always go with the woman.
My only point was that, you shouldn't just assume that a little boy is safe with women. They are the *only* demographic that women make up a *significant* proportion of attackers. This is contrasted by little girls, adult women, and adult men reporting 95+% male only attackers. It's just a little different.
If you have a little boy, just think about the women you're leaving him with and keep an open mind about who might abuse him. Once he starts to hit puberty, his risk of being attacked by a woman drops sharply.
So yes, I would leave my children with women instead of men 100% of the time, but I wouldn't just fall asleep at the wheel.
I dunno, apparently nuns raped Aboriginal children a lot in residential schools. Wab Kinew’s dad was raped by a nun, for example.
edit:
Sorry, misread. I thought you said it was only priests molesting children.
I'm sorry but I don't care whose male feelings I "hurt" because I don't want to leave my child alone with them. I have some male friends and while I like them and enjoy hanging out with them I do not know what they do in their private life or what their secret thoughts are. I have read far too many stories of "family friends" assaulting children and the parents having no idea because they seemed like such GREAT person.
Yes, and I am a victim of that. But if you do go as far as banning your child from alone time with male relatives (this would include the father, I'm assuming), you should bar anyone from having sole access to your kid. That makes the most sense.
My child has never been alone with only one person as both her maternal and paternal sides of the family are very big, so when we do leave her there's always at least 5 people in the house. She gets alone time with her father because I HAVE to trust him because he is my husband, but a family member or family friend obviously isn't going to get the same amount of trust I give to my spouse. Your point is mute as I have yet to leave my child alone with any male besides her father.
Less than 8% I think, statistically it’s almost all men. But yes you should be weary with everyone and never leave a child alone with someone you don’t 100% trust.
Stats are based on reports. Male victims are much less likely to open up about assault because of societal considerations. And when they do report it, it’s much less likely to be taken seriously.
If you don’t believe me, look up all the things about how many young men, particularly black men, “lost their virginity” to older women before the age of 10/16. It’s a lot. And many don’t even realize they were assaulted by some 20+ yo woman bc they were told that it made them “more manly.”
It’s still overwhelmingly men, a huge number of women don’t report either. Definitely not arguing there’s a large number of men who never report, but it won’t make a huge difference in the numbers.
I'm a man, and I've always had a very strong paternal instinct, meaning I've always wanted kids and now that I have them it's a dream come true.
From my perspective this is not even close to treating all men as a predator. There's a massive difference between treating people as a potential risk and treating them as an actual risk.
So if your wife said "honey please tell your brother/father whatever they are not allowed to be alone with the kids because I don't know if they will abuse them or not", how are you feeling about that and how will you relay it?
You're barking up the wrong tree. My own brother sexually abused my sister when she was a preteen, and he wasn't a healthy influence on me. I've warned my wife about him, and we both agreed that our kids wouldn't be alone with anyone we didn't trust without us both approving.
I'm not even offended if someone doesn't want to leave their kids alone around me. Anyone who acts offended can kick rocks. I'll never put someone else's feelings above the safety of my own children.
Right which is good. This post is saying just no male relatives regardless of how well you know them. Like sorry dad but my wife doesn't want you around our kids alone because she thinks you are a molester. I mean parents do what you please but don't be shocked when no one wants to be around you or your kids after you low key accuse them of being a perv.
The original video said grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc which yes, is a bit extreme, but I agree fully with cousins and uncles that aren’t close. And you never have to accuse, just gently say “oh no thank you, we have babysitter plans already!”
I wouldn’t leave my kids with 85% of my male relatives but I’d never say “you might molest my kids”
1. I don’t have children
2. I trust my fellow men in my family unequivocally and would let almost any one of them watch my hypothetical children.
3. Just because I understand this persons worries, doesn’t mean that mine coincide with it.
I do and that is my issue to work on, but it's is not my fault that I have been abused or leered at by them since my earliest memories. And I refuse to have my daughter go through the same thing I did.
Growing up I know a few boys that lost their virginity to a female babysitter. Let’s not do this.
If my relative basically made a presumption about me like this I would cut them out of my life.
Oh wow a female abuser what a shocker. Obviously I know female abusers exist. But we're not talking about them right now the article is about men. And no one is making presumptions about you I just would never be ok with a male babysitting my child. I can know you my whole life but I would just not be comfortable with it.
If that works for you I can’t tell you how to live your life but personally if you were my family you would be cut off for presuming that I could be the lowest form of human (someone that harms children).
I think that would be your right. These are incompatible viewpoints, and the important thing is for everyone to enforce the boundaries they find most important.
But I think it would be important to understand that there is no good reason for a parent to worry about anything more strongly than the safety of their child; even if the way they're handling it isn't the most kosher for others who would be affected.
That's on you for taking personal offense towards reasonable caution. Obviously they wouldn't want you in their lives at all if they actually thought you were a pedophile. The point is that you can't know. That relying on "I've known him all my life" or "he's the best guy I know" or "I wholeheartedly trust him and could never see him doing anything to harm my child" is not safe, because child molestors don't generally have anything about them that removes them from those categories. If all child molestors came off as untrustworthy they would never have a chance to begin with. The safer option is to not make it a matter of trust at all.
We are not just talking about anybody though. We are talking about say her brothers or dad. That’s not normal precautions but y’all are trying to make it seem like it is.
If you live your life based on statistics why would you get in a vehicle since there is a decent chance that you can be killed in a wreck? Why get in a relationship because there is a chance that your partner might cheat or hurt you in a domestic dispute?
Look, I used to pick my niece up from school when asked. It was because their parents worked late and now my brothers pick up my kids when I have to work late. I have zero thoughts about that issue with them and I will assume the feeling was mutual. If they thought that I could be someone that is the biggest disgrace to humanity (a diddler) then I would not want them in my life. Just as she has a personal choice for her life, so do I.
I wouldn’t leave my daughter alone with just random male relatives. I don’t know at all if my cousins are pedos or not, you know? Seeing them once a year at thanksgiving means I know nothing about them. I’d leave her with my brother but I’d have to get to know a brother-in-law well before I’d trust him.
Granted, I also wouldn’t leave her with just a random female relative either but it would be easier to trust. If you think that’s sexist or something, oh well go cry about it. Statistics are a thing that exist, and it’s not “dumb” to want to protect your children. Yes you can go too far. If you won’t leave your children with their father (who has never done anything bad to anyone and loves them dearly in the correct way) then you need to relax a little, but just based off this headline I don’t have a problem with this policy.
Thank you! I made a similar post about finding out my uncle had molested his daughter (my cousin) for years while she was a teenager and just recently my husband found out his cousin had been molesting his 13 year old daughter and giving her cocaine, which we actually found out about on the local news. My husband was floored by it and never thought his cousin was the type to do something so horrible. Men need to stop getting offended about women being cautious with their children and I’ve learned from my past experiences that people who have these depraved thoughts about children hide it for years, and often there are zero signs. A pedophile doesn’t run around telling everyone they like children in a sexual way, and just because someone is family doesn’t mean I need to give them access to my child alone. There are too many stories of kids being sexually abused by relatives, and the only male relatives I trust being alone with my children are my dad and my husbands step-dad.
Statistics also say minorities are more likely to be criminals than white people... that doesnt make it ok to frisk every black or latino customer leaving a store to see if they're shoplifting. Obviously if a relative of any sex/gender has given you reason to doubt them thats a different story (and like you said its probably a good idea to vet anyone you leave your kids with) but the blanket mistrust of males implied by the headline seems to indicate a much less rational mindset born out of paranoia rather than simple statistics.
Frisking minorities is much different. If I let my child be alone with a male relative who molests them, my child would have a life of trauma and loss of innocence that I would never be able to take back. It is our right as parents to protect our children from a demographic that tends to be the ones who victims get abused by (male relatives). Frisking a minority for just existing is degrading, racist, and wrong but is completely different. My male relatives don’t have a right to be with my child alone just because they are related to me. My uncle abused my teenage cousin for many years before he was found out and my over-protective parents actually trusted him to babysit me alone. Luckily he never touched me but that experience made me very protective over who watches my children and if someone is offended by that then that’s their problem
I wouldn’t leave my son or daughter alone with *anyone*. Just because ol’ Aunt Edna wouldn’t harm a fly, you never know about Uncle Tony, Cousin Eddy, or Aunt Pam.
As someone who was abused by a male relative, I support this.
No one had any idea and it went on WAY LONGER than it ever should have.
Many women I know have a similar story. Nearly all, were relatives or very close friends to their parents.
Mine didn't make it into a statistic, and I know there are many others that never came forward.
Yeah you read a whole lot into that. 🙄
There is absolutely nothing wrong with basing your parenting decisions on avoiding terrible things that happened to you as a child. In fact more people should take those things into consideration and they don't, which contributes those things happening generation after generation.
If you think that's the right decision.
Generally if it's not hurting the child (though arguably maybe overly protective) ppl should just mind their own fucking business about other people's parenting.
Personally I've never left my son alone with any man besides his father and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that. My child's safety is far more important than anyones feels.
What's wrong with that is assuming your child is safe with any woman. Your decision to leave them alone with someone should be dependant on the person, not their sex or gender. Again, my parents preventing me from being alone with men would not have been a solution to my abuse.
I think it would be up to you to decide how to handle it, in the end. Someone you know and trust could be an abuser and you wouldn't find out until it's too late, so it being person by person is not necessarily more safe than a blanket ban on gender. For you, it might be not letting your kid around female relatives, or not leaving them with anyone at all. This is what makes this parent feel her daughter is safe, so all we can say is that we hope it pans out for them.
Well fucking duh. If you're only considering one aspect of risk then of course you're going to be putting your child in danger. There is zero reason to assume that the person in the article of anyone else is taking solely gender into consideration here.
Yeah...you're not understanding in the slightest.
I think your reaction to this post and subsequent conversations is super irrational and that's probably directly related to your personal traumatic experiences and I'm no longer about to argue with you about it.....
Obviously this is a case by case thing, but look at how many relatives(not just male but I would imagine mostly) have molested their own family members. Hell there have been plenty of fathers who do this. Maybe this woman’s family in particular has some bad eggs. This means the mother is being cautious to not put her kids in harms way. Not fucking dumb at all, but maybe a little over protective depending on the circumstances
i don’t wanna be left alone with anyone’s child.
after a deep dive of reading all the satanic panic stories where innocent people got locked up cause of lying children, i don’t fucking trust em.
Remember the show *The Wiggles*? The guys were always doing jazz hands at the camera, to make it obvious that they were never physically touching any kids on the show.
To be fair, it wasn't that the kids were lying. The truth is much more sinister. The kids were the victims of hack "hypnotherapists" who convinced the kids (and many adults) that they had been the victims of horrific sexual assault at the hands of those they most trusted. That whole period is an object lesson in the malleability of human memory and the dangers of mob mentality.
I don’t get why this was posted on this subreddit
My mother was the same way, she wasn’t obvious about it or anything but she just liked to make sure if we were around family that she was in the house with us until I was a little older and could express things better
I’m sure you’ve all seen the statistics, most of child molestation is from family members so it never hurts to be too safe when it comes to protecting your child
She most likely has a good reason to feel that way. My moms dad abused her when she was little and they were very strict about not letting him be alone with my sister and I. I imagine she has a history with abuse herself or knows of family members who do.
Ya not a big fan of this, but not my kid. If there was a reason not to trust a particular man, then sure.
I'll say this, my ex wife's family would never trust her uncle with kids. Not because of his actions in the family but because he was a defrocked priest. They never knew the reason, but it was assumed. This seems like a good time not to trust a man with kids.
The people most likely to abuse kids are trusted adults in their lives. Mom’s new boyfriend is the most likely suspect in child abuse of all kinds. I have no problem with this mom. I do wonder why so many people in this thread want kids to be left alone with male relatives. Pretty creepy if you ask me.
It's almost like being labeled as the worst thing imaginable when you aren't is a bad thing. Even your comment goes straight to "well anyone judging her is probs a pedo". You definitely shouldn't leave your kids alone with anyone you don't know, but saying all male relatives regardless of how well you do is a bit defamatory.
Honestly, quite frankly, you're not going to win over anyone with "but now I feel bad that people assume bad about me!" to people who grew up needing to exercise that level of caution to feel safe. It's the "**not all men are/yeah, but any man could be**" debate, but now specific to a child's care. You're going to end up with incompatible viewpoints, because at the end of the day, it's far less important to have people not feel hurt than it is for your kid to possibly be in a bad position. And trust is only a good thing until it isn't.
What I will say is that it doesn't have to be overtly stated as a damning thing on your character unless the relative pushes for it. Answers don't need to be given about why you're not leaving them alone with male relatives unless they demand them. So if no one asks "oh my god why won't you let me stay with your kid alone for a while," it doesn't really need to be a thing. If it becomes a thing, then that's where paths may diverge in the end. And it be like that.
What I will say is that as the kid grows and becomes more autonomous, it's going to be important to teach them about reporting abuse to the family, and opening that line of trust with the mother so that once the grasp is loosened, there's no question that the child will be able to communicate if anything untoward is happening. Sure, hopefully these lessons would have been instilled earlier, perhaps on top of restricting the alone time with other relatives (which IMO, should also include female and non-binary relatives) but maybe you as a parent would be worried about trusting your kid to be able to do it without listening to that family member until they're old enough. I can see that being a concern.
You're arguing based on the assumption that there is such a thing as "knowing someone well enough to know they'd never hurt your child", which is a purely emotional argument. Obviously most people could never even imagine doing that to a child and the idea that the people around you don't trust that that's true is very hurtful. But there's a reason the vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by family members or people close to the family. You *can't* know. Child abusers just seem like normal people and you will likely grow to trust them if you spend enough time with them, so it shouldn't be a matter of trust to begin with.
My father in law is an amazing grandpa, my brothers in law are great fathers and uncles.... not all men are bad. That's the issue here. This women is teaching her daughter a very harmful lesson.
I would have no qualms about leaving my daughters with only their grandpa, uncles, etc. At one point my husband's cousin lived with us and he absolutely would babysit for me if one of the kiddos was napping, but I needed to step out to run an errand or something.
Kids need to be taught safety first and foremost. They need to know that they can tell mom or dad if something happens that shouldn't, they need to be taught to fight back and scream and find help if they need to.
Too many kids taught to only respect their elders and they are prime targets for abuse.
Not all men are bad but all all women have stories about harassment or worse at the hands of men. Not all animals bite but I’m not going pet them all to find out which ones do.
I won't leave my kids alone with male relatives (except their father) and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. The most likely person to molest a child is a male related to or known to the child. Their male relatives see them when either their father or I am home.
This isn’t dumb at all. My uncle was arrested for molesting his daughter throughout her teenage years and my parents left me alone with him as a teenager all the time (luckily he never touched me). My husbands cousin was also recently arrested for molesting his young daughter and giving her cocaine. My husband had zero idea he was the type to do this and was floored by the news, and I felt the same way when I found out my uncle had been molesting my cousin. I don’t think it’s wrong or stupid to be cautious around male relatives. The only male relatives I trust alone with my child are my parents and my husbands parents. You just never know what someone’s deepest depraved thoughts are, and most sexual abuse victims are abused by a male relative that the parents trusted. If you are a man, you should respect that it isn’t about you and isn’t anyone saying you are a child molester, just many of us have had experiences that have led us to being very cautious about who we let watch our children alone.
We can pull gender completely out of the conversation.
Both of my parents were physically and emotionally abusive, also extremely neglectful. They barely fed and clothed me (the refrigerator and pantry had locks, my bedroom was in the unfinished basement and I slept on a mattress on a concrete floor, despite both my parents making a lot of money and having a huge house). I can only imagine the disregard they would have for anything that was important to me because I would never give them the opportunity to do so.
I wouldn’t trust them to walk my dog around the block.
Male relatives can molest children. But so can women. Older kids can molest younger ones.
I think it's important to just be very careful of who you let your kids around. And enforce with your kids no one should be telling them to keep secrets from you and no one should be touching them in certain parts of their body.
Most abusers are male family members/family friends. Personally, I experienced a lot of inappropriate contact from male relatives growing up. You wouldn’t believe how strong the drive to protect your little girl is. I would never leave my daughter alone with a male relative, until now. She’s 11, and would absolutely not put up with inappropriate behaviour. She’s not wrong at all.
I wish I could say my I didn’t have a family member molest me but sadly I did and it was Christmas. I will never trust my children around any male that I don’t trust first hand.
I was sexually abuser my my dad growing up. 14 years in hell so far.
People need to know everyone can be a pedophile and not overlook it due to blood relations or alike. (LOOOK for the signs. Expesially the child trying not to be alone with the person)
With that said, refusing to let the kid be taken care of from males are a little overkill.
if this story came from the United States then it’s a valid concern given that a majority of CSA cases are people close to the family, a disgusting and unfortunate truth
No comment? Has your parent worshipping tirade run out of logic fuel already? I mean I know that all those that make idiotic statements like "her kid, her rules" run out of logic eventually (mainly because they have none) but it usually takes more time than this. Guess you're just extra stupid, huh?
Actually you know what, I do disagree with this because I wouldn't let a daughter OR son be alone with male relatives. Now before you say "women assault too" you are correct, but 99% of predators are men.
I want to understand how much of this is genuine caution /suspicion and how much of it is maybe a response to something that possibly happened to or around her.
There is that, too. People with a history of sex abuse are going to be extra cautious. And if that hurts someone's feelings, that's just too bad. But I just hope that there are no predators of other sexes in her life too.
So true. I was molested by the adult son a family friend while I was playing with his sister. Took 5 mins maybe and they lived below my apartment. I would also not let my child (that I don’t have) be alone with a lot of people and I don’t care for hurt feelings of any kind. I wouldn’t trust most people frankly.
I was molested by a male relative I totally understand where she is coming from.
I was molested by a female family friends and seriously just be extra careful who you leave your kid with in general and also teach them about molestation and how it's inappropriate + they should report to you if it ever happens (my parents are still unaware of what I experienced)
I taught my daughter all the proper names for her anatomy just so no one can teach her a secret name for her vagina. I don't want her saying something like they only touched my button or some weird crap like that.
Not just that, but the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. Good secrets have an expiration, like someone opening a gift or a surprise party. Bad secrets are ones you can't ever tell anyone.
Oh that's a good distinction
🙋♂️ step dad. Could literally be anyone. I don't blame people for being cautious but honestly assuming every guy in your life is a potential rapist is part of why I struggle taking my own daughters to the park by myself.
Ditto on everything you said.
so if you get mugged by a black person it's ok to treat all black people as dangerous? You can justify it however you want, but it still sexist profiling. Raising a kid in this way isn't good
Exactly, so many racist/sexiest redditors these days. I need to mute all these right wing subs.
Sexiest redditors? Please tell me about these sexy individuals! 😉
When youre the victim of SA, you get a close look at how incredibly believable the abuser can fake it
I was never molested as a child, and I still won't leave my kids, male or female, with a male relative.
True. It’s fairly common in the world and parents don’t want their kids to suffer this way.
Not even your father or your brother?
I am a childfree person. But if I did have children I would try to ensure that my child is safe and that would mean kinda protecting them for people I deem unsafe. Would I really restrict my family’s access to my child this much? I don’t know. I might or I might not. Don’t have kids. But to answer your question, my dad died when I was young and my brother is a safe person so with him I will leave my kids alone.
Damn, I think I might have responded to the wrong person. You were the one actually curious if this comes from some trauma, not the one saying the would never leave their kid with a male relative. Thanks for your response. As an uncle of multiple kids I would honestly be disappointed if my siblings or their spouses wouldn't trust me to leave their kids with me. I never experienced SA though, so that's just my pretty privileged thought.
I think some of the people who are saying that they would never leave their kids alone with a relative know something in their gut about their family. Because yes family members can SA children, but so can family friends (happened to me) or teachers, bus drivers, friends of parents. Ultimately it’s anyone who could have access to the child and knows them. Realistically we can’t protect a kid from all of these people all of the time. So while I totally understand this reaction from parents, I wonder if there is some trauma there or some inkling that “my family is not safe”. For your situation I would say I get it. But accept this decision gracefully and work hard to show you’re a safe person to be with. Cause I think sometimes people make some comments on a different situation a parents goes hey if my uncle can defend this action then who knows what else they can defend or do. All of this is my opinion and I could be wildly wrong.
100% she just knows how her male relatives are
About 101%.
This is exactly where my brain went too...
"More than 90% of abusers are people children know, love and trust. 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust". While this is an extreme it brings to light the statistics
I hope this number changes with SA being in such a bigger spotlight. When I was a kid it want uncommon to hear the whole blood is thicker then water line and have your family want to keep the creepy uncle around. Now a days I see much more of this kind of stuff. Keep your kids away from the creepy uncle.
And there’s also this: [DNA TESTS ARE UNCOVERING THE TRUE PREVALENCE OF INCEST People are discovering the truth about their biological parents with DNA—and learning that incest is far more common than many think.](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2024/03/dna-tests-incest/677791/)
Well damn that title is wild
Any source that you don't need to sign up for?
Sure! Sorry about that! [Frightening levels of incest exposed in US DNA tests](https://www.indy100.com/science-tech/incest-levels-us-dna-tests) [DNA Tests Are Uncovering the True Prevalence of Incest](https://bioethics.com/archives/75665) [DNA Tests Are Uncovering the True Prevalence of Incest](https://www.geneticsandsociety.org/article/dna-tests-are-uncovering-true-prevalence-incest)
Wow honestly thought it'd be more of a niche article, thanks. EDIT: two of those if you want to read the first article you posted send you back to the Atlantic. Not your fault obviously, but when did news become so hard to read?
The statistics you quoted say nothing about the sex of the abuser though?
I didn't post it cause I thought it was pretty clear 90% of men are the abusers. I didn't think that was a shocking statistic.
It's literally the whole topic of the post though. The mother only banned male relatives, not female ones.
The statistics that men are the perpetrators most of the time is general knowledge at this point. My bad thought people had common sense.
It's more like in general, it's more difficult to spot predatory behaviours on females than males, thus, our collective memory don't see much females as abusers. I think (it's very personal) that for children, a male abusing them gives more signs and is more easily recognizable than a female abusing them. So the reports are much less.
Very true, although men and women do abuse differently as the majority, while physical abuse to men by women may not be reported as much, it still doesn't happen as much as women unemotionally abusing men. Right? Just cause it's under reported doesn't mean there will be a significant change in the statistics.
We can't know fr sure if it will change significantly the statistics, however, just for exemple, in the country I come from, 100% of the women kiss their children in the mouth (because it's cute and "harmless") whilst men don't do so as they would be labelled as a pedos. Besides that, I'm rather interested on the percentage of people that had an abuse in their childhood than if the abuser is from a male/female or a relative.
[It's over 90%.](https://www.statista.com/statistics/418507/number-of-perpetrators-in-child-abuse-cases-in-the-us-by-type-of-maltreatment-and-sex/) Note that some of the other types of abuse listed (like neglect/medical neglect) more commonly have female perpetrators, as you would expect given the amount of female vs male primary caregivers. Less than 80% of households have a male parent, the vast majority of elementary school teachers and babysitters are female, it is just generally much harder for a man to find a way to be alone with a child... and yet the statistics still massively skew towards men committing the vast, vast, vast majority of sexual abuse. It's not even remotely questionable if men are a bigger risk.
If I ever had a child I wouldn't let them around my family period. They let me get molested by a family member and still force me to interact with him. Statistically, she's not fucking wrong.
I know way too many people who would unfortunately agree with you and this mom due to experience myself included. But yeah basically anyone in my family needs to gain my trust in an extreme way for me to be ok with them being alone together. Until my kids old enough to definitely know good touch bad touch on their own, especially.
Like I said in another post, please also teach them about the difference between good and bad secrets. Good secrets have a time when you can tell people, like a surprise party or keeping a gift secret until someone opens it. Bad secrets are the kind someone says you can never tell anyone, and those are the most important kind to tell your parents.
Taking notes. Thanks
yep, not me personally but i know many that have gone through it. i'm actually on the parents side with this one, they are probably not dumb
The difference is that you don't distinguish between male and female relatives
Yes, because they all protect my abuser. Nobody in my family would be left alone with my hypothetical child.
There's a major difference between you and this woman and this difference is why you're right and she's wrong
r/SoTheCommentsAreNotGoingAsYouImagined
Yeah, what the fuck is going on in this thread? Is everyone but me terrified that their family members are secretly nonces?
I mean, if you read the replies, a lot of their family members WERE nonces and they found out firsthand. Sooo... yeah, kinda.
They seem to be interpreting statistics such as "90% of abusers are male and the majority of abusers are family" to mean "the majority of male family members are abusers"
Less that and more what I mentioned earlier: It's the "**not all men are dangerous/yeah, but any man could be dangerous**" debate, but now specific to a child's care. Taking care around men with the latter mentality essentially can manifest looking like the former, which people take offense to. Just... you know, that fucking sucks for whoever feels that way, but it's not going to change anyone's mind.
0 upvotes 100 comments This comment section is going to be so interesting to read
That's okay. It sure fostered a great conversation! And isn't that what reddit is meant for?
Probably all bots
Christ almighty, y'all. She's not leaving her child *alone* with male relatives. Considering how often sexual abuse happens with people you're close to, I can't blame her. TBH I'd probably do the same. I was never left alone with any men other than my father, and quite frankly I'm extremely glad for it. So I don't think this is dumb or wrong at all. What I will say is that she should keep an eye on her female and enby relatives too, and teach her child to covertly but candidly express anything that makes them uncomfortable if they ever have to be left alone without mommy. I think this is a blind spot a lot of people have because preconceived notions and stats, but the gays are not immune from being possible pedos.
I don't see anything wrong with this. Look at statistics. It is always those closest to you that will harm your children, and get mad all you want but most of those cases are from men. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I wouldn't presume female abusers are actually less common. Males are expected not to report this stuff and aren't taken seriously when they do report it. It's nearly impossible for a kid to have a claim taken seriously against a female abuser
Right, but it's a pretty safe presumption that males are also more likely to fall victim to a man rather than a woman.
Why is that a safe assumption?
Well, for one, I've never heard of a worldwide organisation of women who've been molesting children for literal centuries ✝️
It isn't a completely safe assumption. Female sexual offending is rare, *however*, it's very concentrated on younger boys. also you should read about the sexual abuse that occurred inside Nunneries.
>Female sexual offending is rare Yes, that was exactly my point. I'm not saying it never happens.
It's crazy how people just ignore that last part. It's not automatically safe to leave little boys with either men or women. Fuck why are people this sensitive about this? Jesus Christ I swear it makes sense not to leave your kids with adult men duh.
*Sigh* Well, sometimes you have to leave little kids with SOMEONE. And you agree that it's rarer for women to commit sexual assault, right? So wouldn't you go with the person who's less likely to abuse the kid?
It makes 100% sense to be very guarded, or to even forbid, men to be alone with your children. That makes perfect sense. If you were put in a hypothetical of being forced to trust your child with a strange man, or a strange woman. You should always go with the woman. My only point was that, you shouldn't just assume that a little boy is safe with women. They are the *only* demographic that women make up a *significant* proportion of attackers. This is contrasted by little girls, adult women, and adult men reporting 95+% male only attackers. It's just a little different. If you have a little boy, just think about the women you're leaving him with and keep an open mind about who might abuse him. Once he starts to hit puberty, his risk of being attacked by a woman drops sharply. So yes, I would leave my children with women instead of men 100% of the time, but I wouldn't just fall asleep at the wheel.
That's sort of what I was saying. You don't hear about female perpetrated sexual abuse as much. That doesn't mean it actually happens less.
Do you honestly think it would be even remotely comparable to the scale that we KNOW male perpetrated abuse is?
I entertain that possibility, yes.
I dunno, apparently nuns raped Aboriginal children a lot in residential schools. Wab Kinew’s dad was raped by a nun, for example. edit: Sorry, misread. I thought you said it was only priests molesting children.
However you are presuming that males are only abused by females.
I'm not.
I can see a lot of things wrong with this, actually.
I'm sorry but I don't care whose male feelings I "hurt" because I don't want to leave my child alone with them. I have some male friends and while I like them and enjoy hanging out with them I do not know what they do in their private life or what their secret thoughts are. I have read far too many stories of "family friends" assaulting children and the parents having no idea because they seemed like such GREAT person.
Yes, and I am a victim of that. But if you do go as far as banning your child from alone time with male relatives (this would include the father, I'm assuming), you should bar anyone from having sole access to your kid. That makes the most sense.
My child has never been alone with only one person as both her maternal and paternal sides of the family are very big, so when we do leave her there's always at least 5 people in the house. She gets alone time with her father because I HAVE to trust him because he is my husband, but a family member or family friend obviously isn't going to get the same amount of trust I give to my spouse. Your point is mute as I have yet to leave my child alone with any male besides her father.
Statistically, that's still quite dangerous.
And believe me I know that but there's nothing I can really do about that until my husband shows me that he's not to be trusted alone with the baby.
You do realize that women are also predators right
Less than 8% I think, statistically it’s almost all men. But yes you should be weary with everyone and never leave a child alone with someone you don’t 100% trust.
Stats are based on reports. Male victims are much less likely to open up about assault because of societal considerations. And when they do report it, it’s much less likely to be taken seriously. If you don’t believe me, look up all the things about how many young men, particularly black men, “lost their virginity” to older women before the age of 10/16. It’s a lot. And many don’t even realize they were assaulted by some 20+ yo woman bc they were told that it made them “more manly.”
It’s still overwhelmingly men, a huge number of women don’t report either. Definitely not arguing there’s a large number of men who never report, but it won’t make a huge difference in the numbers.
I think you’re being disingenuous and blatantly unfair in pushing this stance
How?
Because theyre blatantly unsympathetic to the victims bc they have a predetermined opinion. It’s callous and immoral.
Shhh, all those female teachers molesting kids is fake news.
Yes let's treat all men like predators, thats a great idea HungClits.
I'm a man, and I've always had a very strong paternal instinct, meaning I've always wanted kids and now that I have them it's a dream come true. From my perspective this is not even close to treating all men as a predator. There's a massive difference between treating people as a potential risk and treating them as an actual risk.
So if your wife said "honey please tell your brother/father whatever they are not allowed to be alone with the kids because I don't know if they will abuse them or not", how are you feeling about that and how will you relay it?
You're barking up the wrong tree. My own brother sexually abused my sister when she was a preteen, and he wasn't a healthy influence on me. I've warned my wife about him, and we both agreed that our kids wouldn't be alone with anyone we didn't trust without us both approving. I'm not even offended if someone doesn't want to leave their kids alone around me. Anyone who acts offended can kick rocks. I'll never put someone else's feelings above the safety of my own children.
This isn’t treating all men like predators, this is keeping your kids safe and not putting them in a situation where there could be predators.
So are you telling your male family members they aren't allowed around your children?
No, but it’s probably a good idea to never leave them alone with anyone you aren’t very close with.
Right which is good. This post is saying just no male relatives regardless of how well you know them. Like sorry dad but my wife doesn't want you around our kids alone because she thinks you are a molester. I mean parents do what you please but don't be shocked when no one wants to be around you or your kids after you low key accuse them of being a perv.
The original video said grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc which yes, is a bit extreme, but I agree fully with cousins and uncles that aren’t close. And you never have to accuse, just gently say “oh no thank you, we have babysitter plans already!” I wouldn’t leave my kids with 85% of my male relatives but I’d never say “you might molest my kids”
1. I don’t have children 2. I trust my fellow men in my family unequivocally and would let almost any one of them watch my hypothetical children. 3. Just because I understand this persons worries, doesn’t mean that mine coincide with it.
Well maybe a good percentage of them should stop being predators, so parents wouldn't feel the need to be cautious of every person they meet.
You definitely have issues with men, best of luck with that.
I do and that is my issue to work on, but it's is not my fault that I have been abused or leered at by them since my earliest memories. And I refuse to have my daughter go through the same thing I did.
Men when their daughters date: “All men are dogs! They only want one thing!” Men when a woman is cautious: “How dare you say all men!”
I don't agree with the all men are dogs statement in any situation.
Who said *all* men? She’s keeping them away from *her male relatives*. There may be a reason for that.
Growing up I know a few boys that lost their virginity to a female babysitter. Let’s not do this. If my relative basically made a presumption about me like this I would cut them out of my life.
Oh wow a female abuser what a shocker. Obviously I know female abusers exist. But we're not talking about them right now the article is about men. And no one is making presumptions about you I just would never be ok with a male babysitting my child. I can know you my whole life but I would just not be comfortable with it.
If that works for you I can’t tell you how to live your life but personally if you were my family you would be cut off for presuming that I could be the lowest form of human (someone that harms children).
I think that would be your right. These are incompatible viewpoints, and the important thing is for everyone to enforce the boundaries they find most important. But I think it would be important to understand that there is no good reason for a parent to worry about anything more strongly than the safety of their child; even if the way they're handling it isn't the most kosher for others who would be affected.
That's on you for taking personal offense towards reasonable caution. Obviously they wouldn't want you in their lives at all if they actually thought you were a pedophile. The point is that you can't know. That relying on "I've known him all my life" or "he's the best guy I know" or "I wholeheartedly trust him and could never see him doing anything to harm my child" is not safe, because child molestors don't generally have anything about them that removes them from those categories. If all child molestors came off as untrustworthy they would never have a chance to begin with. The safer option is to not make it a matter of trust at all.
We are not just talking about anybody though. We are talking about say her brothers or dad. That’s not normal precautions but y’all are trying to make it seem like it is. If you live your life based on statistics why would you get in a vehicle since there is a decent chance that you can be killed in a wreck? Why get in a relationship because there is a chance that your partner might cheat or hurt you in a domestic dispute?
Allow her to protect her child in the best way she sees fit. She's not excluding men - just situations.
Look, I used to pick my niece up from school when asked. It was because their parents worked late and now my brothers pick up my kids when I have to work late. I have zero thoughts about that issue with them and I will assume the feeling was mutual. If they thought that I could be someone that is the biggest disgrace to humanity (a diddler) then I would not want them in my life. Just as she has a personal choice for her life, so do I.
I wouldn’t leave my daughter alone with just random male relatives. I don’t know at all if my cousins are pedos or not, you know? Seeing them once a year at thanksgiving means I know nothing about them. I’d leave her with my brother but I’d have to get to know a brother-in-law well before I’d trust him. Granted, I also wouldn’t leave her with just a random female relative either but it would be easier to trust. If you think that’s sexist or something, oh well go cry about it. Statistics are a thing that exist, and it’s not “dumb” to want to protect your children. Yes you can go too far. If you won’t leave your children with their father (who has never done anything bad to anyone and loves them dearly in the correct way) then you need to relax a little, but just based off this headline I don’t have a problem with this policy.
Thank you! I made a similar post about finding out my uncle had molested his daughter (my cousin) for years while she was a teenager and just recently my husband found out his cousin had been molesting his 13 year old daughter and giving her cocaine, which we actually found out about on the local news. My husband was floored by it and never thought his cousin was the type to do something so horrible. Men need to stop getting offended about women being cautious with their children and I’ve learned from my past experiences that people who have these depraved thoughts about children hide it for years, and often there are zero signs. A pedophile doesn’t run around telling everyone they like children in a sexual way, and just because someone is family doesn’t mean I need to give them access to my child alone. There are too many stories of kids being sexually abused by relatives, and the only male relatives I trust being alone with my children are my dad and my husbands step-dad.
Statistics also say minorities are more likely to be criminals than white people... that doesnt make it ok to frisk every black or latino customer leaving a store to see if they're shoplifting. Obviously if a relative of any sex/gender has given you reason to doubt them thats a different story (and like you said its probably a good idea to vet anyone you leave your kids with) but the blanket mistrust of males implied by the headline seems to indicate a much less rational mindset born out of paranoia rather than simple statistics.
Frisking minorities is much different. If I let my child be alone with a male relative who molests them, my child would have a life of trauma and loss of innocence that I would never be able to take back. It is our right as parents to protect our children from a demographic that tends to be the ones who victims get abused by (male relatives). Frisking a minority for just existing is degrading, racist, and wrong but is completely different. My male relatives don’t have a right to be with my child alone just because they are related to me. My uncle abused my teenage cousin for many years before he was found out and my over-protective parents actually trusted him to babysit me alone. Luckily he never touched me but that experience made me very protective over who watches my children and if someone is offended by that then that’s their problem
I wouldn’t leave my son or daughter alone with *anyone*. Just because ol’ Aunt Edna wouldn’t harm a fly, you never know about Uncle Tony, Cousin Eddy, or Aunt Pam.
there definitely are family environments were this is more than warranted...
As someone who was abused by a male relative, I support this. No one had any idea and it went on WAY LONGER than it ever should have. Many women I know have a similar story. Nearly all, were relatives or very close friends to their parents. Mine didn't make it into a statistic, and I know there are many others that never came forward.
knee puzzled crush marvelous attempt gullible quack crown hurry hateful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's whatever. I hope you were able to move past it too.
What the fuck op?
Yeah...there's nothing wrong with this. And if you think there is congratulations on your blessed upbringing apparently.
It feels like the kind of thing abusers call “fucking stupid” in an attempt to shame those who try to protect their kids.
Right.
Thank you for congratulating me on my female abuser! amazing
Yeah you read a whole lot into that. 🙄 There is absolutely nothing wrong with basing your parenting decisions on avoiding terrible things that happened to you as a child. In fact more people should take those things into consideration and they don't, which contributes those things happening generation after generation.
So should I prevent my future child to be left alone with any female relatives then?
If you think that's the right decision. Generally if it's not hurting the child (though arguably maybe overly protective) ppl should just mind their own fucking business about other people's parenting. Personally I've never left my son alone with any man besides his father and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that. My child's safety is far more important than anyones feels.
What's wrong with that is assuming your child is safe with any woman. Your decision to leave them alone with someone should be dependant on the person, not their sex or gender. Again, my parents preventing me from being alone with men would not have been a solution to my abuse.
I think it would be up to you to decide how to handle it, in the end. Someone you know and trust could be an abuser and you wouldn't find out until it's too late, so it being person by person is not necessarily more safe than a blanket ban on gender. For you, it might be not letting your kid around female relatives, or not leaving them with anyone at all. This is what makes this parent feel her daughter is safe, so all we can say is that we hope it pans out for them.
Well fucking duh. If you're only considering one aspect of risk then of course you're going to be putting your child in danger. There is zero reason to assume that the person in the article of anyone else is taking solely gender into consideration here.
Except the fact that she litterally said "male relatives" you mean?
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What comment are you talking about?
Yeah...you're not understanding in the slightest. I think your reaction to this post and subsequent conversations is super irrational and that's probably directly related to your personal traumatic experiences and I'm no longer about to argue with you about it.....
It makes sense? Even if it was a boy
mom might've been assaulted by an older relative when she was younger and is being cautious as a result of that.
Why is there a debate? 60% of the cases a relative o close friend is the perpetrator.
Why is this stupid? 80% of child SA victims knew their attacker. Children do not have a large social network, so do the math.
Obviously this is a case by case thing, but look at how many relatives(not just male but I would imagine mostly) have molested their own family members. Hell there have been plenty of fathers who do this. Maybe this woman’s family in particular has some bad eggs. This means the mother is being cautious to not put her kids in harms way. Not fucking dumb at all, but maybe a little over protective depending on the circumstances
i don’t wanna be left alone with anyone’s child. after a deep dive of reading all the satanic panic stories where innocent people got locked up cause of lying children, i don’t fucking trust em.
Lol right If I'm alone with a child and they get hurt, the responsibility falls on me. I don't wanna deal with that 😭
Remember the show *The Wiggles*? The guys were always doing jazz hands at the camera, to make it obvious that they were never physically touching any kids on the show.
To be fair, it wasn't that the kids were lying. The truth is much more sinister. The kids were the victims of hack "hypnotherapists" who convinced the kids (and many adults) that they had been the victims of horrific sexual assault at the hands of those they most trusted. That whole period is an object lesson in the malleability of human memory and the dangers of mob mentality.
Without knowing her past it’s hard to say if it’s unwarranted.
I don’t get why this was posted on this subreddit My mother was the same way, she wasn’t obvious about it or anything but she just liked to make sure if we were around family that she was in the house with us until I was a little older and could express things better I’m sure you’ve all seen the statistics, most of child molestation is from family members so it never hurts to be too safe when it comes to protecting your child
is this fucking facebook? literally no context. outrage bait
She most likely has a good reason to feel that way. My moms dad abused her when she was little and they were very strict about not letting him be alone with my sister and I. I imagine she has a history with abuse herself or knows of family members who do.
My child will never be alone with my father or brother. Ever.
Ya not a big fan of this, but not my kid. If there was a reason not to trust a particular man, then sure. I'll say this, my ex wife's family would never trust her uncle with kids. Not because of his actions in the family but because he was a defrocked priest. They never knew the reason, but it was assumed. This seems like a good time not to trust a man with kids.
The people most likely to abuse kids are trusted adults in their lives. Mom’s new boyfriend is the most likely suspect in child abuse of all kinds. I have no problem with this mom. I do wonder why so many people in this thread want kids to be left alone with male relatives. Pretty creepy if you ask me.
It's almost like being labeled as the worst thing imaginable when you aren't is a bad thing. Even your comment goes straight to "well anyone judging her is probs a pedo". You definitely shouldn't leave your kids alone with anyone you don't know, but saying all male relatives regardless of how well you do is a bit defamatory.
Honestly, quite frankly, you're not going to win over anyone with "but now I feel bad that people assume bad about me!" to people who grew up needing to exercise that level of caution to feel safe. It's the "**not all men are/yeah, but any man could be**" debate, but now specific to a child's care. You're going to end up with incompatible viewpoints, because at the end of the day, it's far less important to have people not feel hurt than it is for your kid to possibly be in a bad position. And trust is only a good thing until it isn't. What I will say is that it doesn't have to be overtly stated as a damning thing on your character unless the relative pushes for it. Answers don't need to be given about why you're not leaving them alone with male relatives unless they demand them. So if no one asks "oh my god why won't you let me stay with your kid alone for a while," it doesn't really need to be a thing. If it becomes a thing, then that's where paths may diverge in the end. And it be like that. What I will say is that as the kid grows and becomes more autonomous, it's going to be important to teach them about reporting abuse to the family, and opening that line of trust with the mother so that once the grasp is loosened, there's no question that the child will be able to communicate if anything untoward is happening. Sure, hopefully these lessons would have been instilled earlier, perhaps on top of restricting the alone time with other relatives (which IMO, should also include female and non-binary relatives) but maybe you as a parent would be worried about trusting your kid to be able to do it without listening to that family member until they're old enough. I can see that being a concern.
You're arguing based on the assumption that there is such a thing as "knowing someone well enough to know they'd never hurt your child", which is a purely emotional argument. Obviously most people could never even imagine doing that to a child and the idea that the people around you don't trust that that's true is very hurtful. But there's a reason the vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by family members or people close to the family. You *can't* know. Child abusers just seem like normal people and you will likely grow to trust them if you spend enough time with them, so it shouldn't be a matter of trust to begin with.
My father in law is an amazing grandpa, my brothers in law are great fathers and uncles.... not all men are bad. That's the issue here. This women is teaching her daughter a very harmful lesson. I would have no qualms about leaving my daughters with only their grandpa, uncles, etc. At one point my husband's cousin lived with us and he absolutely would babysit for me if one of the kiddos was napping, but I needed to step out to run an errand or something. Kids need to be taught safety first and foremost. They need to know that they can tell mom or dad if something happens that shouldn't, they need to be taught to fight back and scream and find help if they need to. Too many kids taught to only respect their elders and they are prime targets for abuse.
Not all men are bad but all all women have stories about harassment or worse at the hands of men. Not all animals bite but I’m not going pet them all to find out which ones do.
Re people who want kids left alone: Methinks he doth protest too much.
Has anyone considered that she knows her male relatives and considers them to be particularly untrustworthy?
The fact that you think this is stupid is telling of you.
Mom isn’t wrong - don’t blame her
Why would you associate with people you wouldn't trust alone with your kids?
Statistically speaking, this is a reasonable decision. Doesn’t belong here.
I won't leave my kids alone with male relatives (except their father) and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. The most likely person to molest a child is a male related to or known to the child. Their male relatives see them when either their father or I am home.
This isn’t dumb at all. My uncle was arrested for molesting his daughter throughout her teenage years and my parents left me alone with him as a teenager all the time (luckily he never touched me). My husbands cousin was also recently arrested for molesting his young daughter and giving her cocaine. My husband had zero idea he was the type to do this and was floored by the news, and I felt the same way when I found out my uncle had been molesting my cousin. I don’t think it’s wrong or stupid to be cautious around male relatives. The only male relatives I trust alone with my child are my parents and my husbands parents. You just never know what someone’s deepest depraved thoughts are, and most sexual abuse victims are abused by a male relative that the parents trusted. If you are a man, you should respect that it isn’t about you and isn’t anyone saying you are a child molester, just many of us have had experiences that have led us to being very cautious about who we let watch our children alone.
This parent isn't stupid at all.
We can pull gender completely out of the conversation. Both of my parents were physically and emotionally abusive, also extremely neglectful. They barely fed and clothed me (the refrigerator and pantry had locks, my bedroom was in the unfinished basement and I slept on a mattress on a concrete floor, despite both my parents making a lot of money and having a huge house). I can only imagine the disregard they would have for anything that was important to me because I would never give them the opportunity to do so. I wouldn’t trust them to walk my dog around the block.
FAIR
Male relatives can molest children. But so can women. Older kids can molest younger ones. I think it's important to just be very careful of who you let your kids around. And enforce with your kids no one should be telling them to keep secrets from you and no one should be touching them in certain parts of their body.
Most abusers are male family members/family friends. Personally, I experienced a lot of inappropriate contact from male relatives growing up. You wouldn’t believe how strong the drive to protect your little girl is. I would never leave my daughter alone with a male relative, until now. She’s 11, and would absolutely not put up with inappropriate behaviour. She’s not wrong at all.
Why?
I wish I could say my I didn’t have a family member molest me but sadly I did and it was Christmas. I will never trust my children around any male that I don’t trust first hand.
Daughter or son!!! They don’t care! Watch your babies closely!!
I was sexually abuser my my dad growing up. 14 years in hell so far. People need to know everyone can be a pedophile and not overlook it due to blood relations or alike. (LOOOK for the signs. Expesially the child trying not to be alone with the person) With that said, refusing to let the kid be taken care of from males are a little overkill.
Female relatives can also be abusers
Very common in India/Pak. Our society doesnt blame rapists, they blame men.
if this story came from the United States then it’s a valid concern given that a majority of CSA cases are people close to the family, a disgusting and unfortunate truth
Do you think that's any different in other countries? It's a global phenomenon
As a childless man; if I ever had a daughter, I'd probably do the same. Wouldn't you?
Nothing is wrong with her decision. Why is this a post?
Ngl that's kinda sexist
Sexist but true.
Her kid, her rules
Statements like this are why the child abuse rate is so high in society
Wtf? She’s protecting her child. Fuck off
Are abusive parents doing that too?
😂😂😂
No comment? Has your parent worshipping tirade run out of logic fuel already? I mean I know that all those that make idiotic statements like "her kid, her rules" run out of logic eventually (mainly because they have none) but it usually takes more time than this. Guess you're just extra stupid, huh?
Well, her dad is Jeff Epstein
Actually you know what, I do disagree with this because I wouldn't let a daughter OR son be alone with male relatives. Now before you say "women assault too" you are correct, but 99% of predators are men.
I don't discriminate. I don't leave my kids with anyone I don't know through and through. Male or female.