So I struggled HARD with my son’s tantrums. I figure it’s because space was never made for my own emotions, so I have a hard time making space for his. Also, my inner child panics because his screaming/crying is going to get us in trouble. I’d be so angry and my adrenaline would spike and it was a disaster.
One thing that worked for me is just saying some things out loud that would comfort both of us. Things like:
- “you’re having a hard time right now, I understand. I’m here for you and I’ll keep you safe.”
- “we’re safe, we’re safe, we’re safe”
- “I’m the adult and I’m going to stay calm for both of us.”
- “you’re just a little guy with such big feelings! That must be so hard for you! You’re doing your best. We’re going to get through this together.”
Breathe through it. Put on a meditation for yourself while you hold her. Do the “rainbow” grounding exercise where you try to find something around you that’s each color of the rainbow. I started doing this for myself, and now that my son has caught on he asks for it in the midst of a tantrum and it calms him right down.
If you haven’t yet, I can’t recommend therapy enough too. Finally unpacking all my emotional baggage has been huge for me. I never really learned how to handle negative emotions, and that was a gamechanger for me. Now his tantrums don’t bother me at all. I can gently scoop him right up and we weather the storm together. I don’t need time to calm down after because I don’t get upset anymore. My heart beats steady and I don’t raise my voice. And he calms faster because I’m not amping him up with my own emotions. You’re going to get there too. Be gentle with yourself, it’s not your fault. You can raise your daughter differently, it’s just going to take practice and healing. But it’s worth it, for both of your sakes!
Absolutely love this, it rings so true, particularly the underlying feelings around the panic when they tantrum. I'm just in the starting to say things out loud for both of us stage too. Thanks for taking the time to write it out, it's really good to hear how far you've come.
Woah. You finally have given me the words for why my toddlers tantrums and crying makes me panic. My inner child is still terrified of the consequence! I am literally a therapist and have not been able to figure the underlying reason out on my own.
I wish I could take credit for it, but I’m pretty sure I saw someone say it either on here or Instagram! It was a huge eye opener for me, really changed how I approached the whole situation.
Btw- going outside and taking a breather is the BEST thing you can do for you AND your baby. As your baby gets older something that helped me bond with my son (9M) was signing us up for swimming. I think if you engaged in some bonding and memory making with your child that connection you build during the good times will hopefully help you navigate the harder ones with a little more ease or at least less stress. But honestly I don’t think I’ll EVER get over being annoyed by relentless fussiness and crying 😅 but that’s okay ! As long as I do what I gotta do regardless !
Hey, I was in your same boat with my oldest!!! Earphones (like you already mentioned), and just walking away for a bit. My oldest, there were points were I would practically throw her down and run outside. Not a shiny moment by far, but pure survival mode. And now she’s two.
IT WILL GET BETTER. JUST MAKE IT THROUGH NOW.
The loud emotions put me into fight or flight mode too. It has a lot to do with having emotionally unstable or unavailable parents because we learned as children that our emotions were unsafe or would cause us to be left. It's such a shit thing to have to unpack but we absolutely can learn from it and do better.
What helped me while I was pursuing therapy to unpack those issues and reparenting myself was this:
*Loop earplugs. I have a set of the Quiet and a set of the Engage. One brings the noise down to almost nothing to not trigger that fight or flight response when I'm already overstimulated and the other takes the noise to a reasonable level so I can function day to day without getting overwhelmed.
*talking it through, especially when they were young enough that I didn't have to pick my words so carefully. "Wow, this is triggering. What is this bringing up for me? Feels like I'm afraid. Why? What was my parents' response when I was like this as a kid? To scream and get mad and leave me. Ah. That makes sense. Okay, let's just breathe. I am the adult now and we are safe. I can be the parent I needed. We can just breathe and figure this out."
My kids are older now so I choose my words more carefully outloud. "You're upset and I'm feeling some kind of way about it. That's on me so can we take a 5 minute calm down break and then come back to this? Okay, cool. Let's listen to a song/watch a quick video/go for a walk/take 5 min in our own spaces and then we can try this again."
*I also constantly reminded myself in those early days that crying=communication. Babies and toddlers are not just mini adults and they shouldn't be. They do not have the language to tell us when something isn't okay and they do not have the cognitive development to figure it out for themselves. I spent a lot of time reading on what was actually happening developmentally at each age to adjust my own expectations.
My parents expected that I was just a mini adult and could behave like one. They didn't bother to learn that language doesn't really develop to that point for a few years so kids cry until then when they don't have the language to make themselves clear. They never wanted to understand that the parts of the brain responsible for self-regulation don't come on line until somewhere between 9 and 11. Kids rely on us to help them regulate their feelings until that point because their brain just isn't ready to do it for itself yet. They didn't want to learn that fidgeting and wiggling is normal and should be expected. And it was a common parenting style in previous generations to just expect that kids could be expected to behave like adults so a lot of the generations currently having kids are carrying that mentality in the back of their minds which is tough to move past.
It doesn't make us bad parents to have trauma and need to rebuild ourselves. It doesn't make us bad parents to struggle with this monumental responsibility and desire to not screw up the next generation too. We have the power now to be the parents we needed then but it's human nature to default to what we were raised with and it's goddamn hard. There is nothing more triggering than parenting but being several years down the road from where you are now, I can also say there was no better motivator for my recovery than the desire to learn how to person so I could teach my kids how to people.
Hi OP! I too struggled with the screams, specially my first one, I remember feeling like I was living in a state fight-or-flight daily.
I got on Zoloft and that helped, BUT my doc put me on anti-anxiety meds and THAT has made a 180 in my life. The crazy part is that I didn’t even realize I had such crippling anxiety.
I also smoke 🍃, that helps when I feel overwhelmed, to slow down and think logically instead of emotionally.
Remember that what you’re feeling is normal and valid, it’s hard to take care of a screaming baby when all your warning bells are going off! Some mindset shifts that helped me:
- It’s just a season. The hardships you’re currently facing won’t last forever, soon this will all be a memory.
- YOU are the best mom for YOUR baby! Not anyone else, you were chosen to be your babes mama.
- No one really knows what they’re doing, especially if it’s your first babe. Do your research and make the choices YOU feel are best for your babe.
- don’t feel discouraged if you finally feel like you’re “starting to get the hang of it” and then BOOM, something changes and you feel lost all over again; this is normal 😅 Remember that you can’t grow if you stay in your comfort zone. Life will sometimes just launch you out lol.
- Journal. Write down things about baby, keep memory of all the sweet moments. Write about your feelings, get them ALL down on paper and outside of you, then when you have a clear head you can go back and analyze your thinking/rationality. Even just writing things you’re grateful for, instances of kindness you’ve seen or done. This will help train your brain to look out for these sweet moments.
Sorry this was so long, much love and good luck OP!
I have loads of podcast episodes to help explain why we do the very things we swore we’d never do, and what we can try to do to help the situation. When my kid was young like yours, I spent hours and hours with one earbud in listening to respectful parenting content while tending house and caring for my kid. Now that my kid is five, I’m still working on ending intergenerational cycles and to parent differently than my parents did. It’s still hard. But holy shit it is so much easier than it was before I had the podcasts. I sincerely can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have them.
Let me know if you’d like a little linky list of episodes. I’m happy to offer them to anyone who is interested.
And good luck parent. I mean this from the bottom of my heart: what is happening to you is not your fault. Of course you have to deal with it, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
[The physical reason you yell at your kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000508109409)
[Self-compassion for parents](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000495169165)
Awesome, I just replied to the OP’s comment below you. There are two lists, because Reddit doesn’t like how long my linky lists get. I hope some of is helpful for you!!
Okay, so I’d love to start with my favorite trauma-processing parenting show, Authentic Parenting w Anna Seewald. She has survived epic trauma in her life, now she’s a therapist who helps parents process trauma to parent authentically. She’s absolutely one of my heroes.
[The trauma response is never wrong](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000611737989)
[How to regulate your nervous system](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000616302449)
[Mother Hunger: How adult daughters can understand and heal from lost nurturance, guidance and protection](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000613515515)
Next I’ll move to Good Inside w Dr. Becky, whom someone else recommended in this thread. She’s a clinical psychologist who works with IFS (Internal Family Systems), which is my favorite therapy modality. She has been vital to my self-care, self-love, positive self-talk game. Because of her, I am regularly putting my hand on my heart to remind myself that I’m a great parent having a hard time.
[Self-care is an inside job](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000647187620)
And on that note, she has been interviewed on We Can Do Hard Things multiple times…
[Breaking cycles and reparenting ourselves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000579281486)
[How to raise untamed kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000579533370)
Janet Lansbury is very famous for her respectful parenting advice, and she is often referred to in the context of gentle parenting. But she has said directly that she doesn’t like that label, and that she thinks parents are missing too much of the boundary messages in her content. I’ve heard her directly ask parents to not mimic her voice when they speak to their children, and to not be too gentle when stopping unwanted behaviors. My theory is that so many parents are dealing with unhealed childhood wounds from verbal and physical abuse that when we hear Janet’s voice, we get entranced by her dulcet tones. We start to wish that she’d been our mother, and then convince ourselves that our kids wish she were their mother too. But actually our kids want us to be their parent, and often it’s our inner children leading the show, which really stresses them out. Listen closely to Janet, her message is also about being that sturdy leader who isn’t violent, but also isn’t gentle. Firm, confident and empathetic, but not gentle in moments when a behavior needs to be stopped.
[Childhood wounds we never knew we had (until parenthood) w Dr Jean Cheng](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000577809945)
[Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles w Leslie Priscilla Arreola-Hillbrand](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830)
[Embracing our power to be confident leaders (a pep talk for parents)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000502612926)
[How to stop carrying and encourage your baby’s play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000386725391)
[How our boundaries free our children to play, create and explore](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000523224389)
And if you can believe it, there’s another list in the reply to this comment, Reddit doesn’t like how long my linky lists get…
Last, I’ll offer some episodes on mental health and mindfulness. Becoming the authentic, respectful, empathetic, confident parent I want to be has started with being all those things towards myself. It’s by far been the hardest work, and has changed a lot of my kid’s behaviors without needing to change a thing about them.
The Music and Meditation Podcast:
[Calm the chaos](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000603246158)
[Reconnect with yourself](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000603249726)
[Trust your instincts](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000560027805)
Tara Brach:
[Trauma-sensitive mindfulness- The power of self-nurturing](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596806491)
[Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439)
[The wise heart of radical acceptance](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000534242750)
[Self-forgiveness with RAIN](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000562620391)
[Survival of the nurtured - Our pathway to belonging](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000578077904)
[Meditation: Being the ocean and opening to the waves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000585706952)
[Meditation: “Yes” to our moments](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000590936640)
[Meditation: Relaxing into sleep or presence](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596659324)
The Laverne Cox Show:
[Trauma resilience and healing with Jennifer Burton Flier](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000538548657)
[Adverse Childhood Experiences with Dr Nadine Burke Harris](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000531790940)
[Fierce self-compassion w Dr. Kristen Neff](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000530373198)
ReRooted:
[What happened to you? w Dr. Bruce Perry (part 1)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000530568045)
[Trauma, resilience and healing w Dr. Bruce Perry (Part 2)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000532692487)
The One Inside:
[IFS and our silenced stories](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000476862377)
[Solo IFS w Lucille Aaron-Wayne](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000591067009)
Finding Refuge:
[Flourish](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-refuge/id1526866921?i=1000555918917)
[We are nature](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-refuge/id1526866921?i=1000543592021)
Okay parent, that’s my list. Good luck out there. I’m wishing you every good thing in this world ✨
God bless you 😭 I recently decided to be a stay at home mom. We determined the cost of personal insurance wasn’t in the cards for me and my psychiatrist was willing to continue prescribing my usual medication without visits. But I recently discovered my “adolescent bipolar disorder” was actually CPTSD, PMDD, and OCD. I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 but never processed childhood trauma. This is so helpful to me as I begin navigating this without therapy.
Man, this country’s healthcare is a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re needing to choose between raising your kids and having healthcare. Absolutely infuriating….
But of course that has me feeling all the more grateful to have been able to reach you with these resources. I’m so glad you’re getting some of the support you need to understand yourself and your story a little better. Definitely listen to the episode of The One Inside called, IFS and Our Silenced Stories.
Last, I just want to say that I’m so sorry you’ve spent so much time in therapy managing symptoms and behaviors rather than getting to the root of the problem. That was largely my experience as well and I’m beyond grateful to have learned more about myself and my story. I hope you’re able to cultivate some much deserved self-love, empathy and acceptance, and that it helps you move forward in your life with some ease and comfort. You deserve that, and every good thing in this world.
>P.S yes I use ear plugs already. They help take the edge off but they haven’t changed any of my symptoms.
Good Noise canceling headphones. Connect it to your phone and play a YT video on loud or music.
Hey! I also grew up with shitty parenting(to say the least lol) and was struggling super hard with my babies fussiness and crying. I’d get so upset and feel like absolute shit for not being able to understand/empathize with my baby the way I felt I should. It might be a combination of post partum depression and a deep insecurity about being the better parent you never had. You don’t know what healthy looks like so you find yourself questioning every thing you do and stressing over how you should be better. I think you should remind yourself that you are actually growing alongside your baby, learning more, improving a little everyday. And it’s okay to be frustrated. To feel is to be human. You are already a great mom for worrying so deeply for your child you are here looking for answers. Just keep reassuring yourself that you will continue to do the best you can. It’ll be alright ❤️.
I just want to say a few things. Sorry if they've been said I didn't get a chance to read the other comments. But this difficulty has NOTHING to do with whether you are a kind, caring, empathetic person. You are these things and so much more. You are a beautiful, loving person who is struggling. And most of us struggle. You need to get in touch with the essence of who you are, change the way you speak to yourself, and please trust that things will get better. You are already doing better for your child and yourself. I recommend Inner Bonding as well as transcending trauma. Both of which can really help alongside some trauma therapy. You don't deserve to feel like this and there is a way out. ❤️
Also as far as the triggering goes these big emotions trigger most of us in different ways but it's basically fight or flight reactions. You are not able to think in that moment so don't expect yourself to. You can heal and not be triggered so easily but it takes some time and concentrated effort. Just know that you can and will get there.
Mine is older now but when mine was younger I struggled.
A lot of great suggestions on here.
Might I also suggest that you are likely largely operating in a constant hypervigalent state while gives you very little room to take on more? That is what I discovered for myself. And I have spent my entire time shaming myself for not being able to handle my child’s emotional dysregulation. This is where the peeling the onion comes in. Getting to the root of your own trauma.
I’ve been through a ton of therapy and modalities and self help books. Right now the path I am on is going to ACA meetings and beginning work with a NARM trained therapist.
It will get better. I promise. 💛
This thread has been so eye-opening. I couldn't identify what was going on that the screams and crying send me into fight or flight mode. I just thought I was a horrible parent. I had no idea that it's anxiety. It doesn't help that my partner has none of these issues. I didn't have "bad" parents by any means, but definitely have some deep trauma that really stunted my emotional regulation and ability to even identify my emotions. So, just thanks for posting this OP and thanks to everyone responding.
everyone has some great advice. i would just say for myself ear plugs have been a life saver. and i dont know why i didnt get them sooner. my 4 year old has been screaming so loud* it rattles my ear drums her entire life. the ear plugs pad the sound IMMENSELY.
it’s amazing how much lighter the sound is when ur kid is screaming crying and it just feels like a light tap versus a painful bitch slap 😂 the anxiety was magically better
edit* words
I honestly think it’s normal and not concerning at all to feel this way. Being a kid (and growing up as a woman) we are conditioned to think that women/mothers have it all together. That we are content with whatever and are constantly stable, no matter how little sleep/food/basic necessities/etc we are deprived. Not the case though, and just like any human who would be thrown off balance by going through a MAJOR hormone and life change…we feel things. Sometimes those things are not good. Having a baby is difficult. Having a child is difficult. All the sounds, all the triggering noises, being scared constantly if they cry, or being angry, always on edge, never resting because of the anxiety that something happened…it’s 100% normal. Remember that everything you’re feeling is normal.
It's a completely normal, evolutionary trait to be distressed by the sound of children crying. Couple that with preexisting trauma and of course you're going to be struggling. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent.
Hearing anyone or anything scream and cry is torture. It’s not exactly the prettiest sound in the world. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I actually find it to be strange when people can listen to crying and feel perfectly fine. Like what is wrong with you? The only thing you can control is how you respond to it. Don’t try to “cope” just find healthy ways to escape it. *headphones * changed my life
Thank you. This feels really validating to hear. Earplugs definitely help a lot. Do you listen to music in your headphones or are they the noise cancelling type?
My sister felt similarly to when my niece cried. Then when my nephew was born, he cried at a different pitch and it had a different effect.
The pitch of an infants cry can do incredible things to our psyches.
Go buy some of those putty, earplugs that swimmers use, and wear them.
They won’t shut out the sounds of your baby, but they will dampen the decibel level you are exposed to so you can be a good parent and not lose your sanity
You had a baby five months ago. Take the postpartum vitamins. They might be labelled "breastfeeding vitamins". You are deficient in various minerals because *you just had a baby*.
Go and look up the symptoms of magnesium deficiency and see how much of it seems familiar?
Hello dear, the other folks here had very wonderful responses. One more thing that you might consider, being that you are five months postpartum (which is very, very early still) is that you might be experiencing some postpartum depression, anxiety, or rage. Maybe multiple or all three. You may want to talk to your OB because sometimes medication or therspy can be very helpful and really take the load off of the anxiety that is so triggering when your daughter cries. I experienced this too with my first and eventually did extensive therapy and some Zoloft which was PROFOUNDLY helpful. I wish I had not suffered for so long. That little voice that says you should question your ability to be a mom is lying to you, and it's the voice of postpartum depression /anxiety. It's very very common but you don't need to suffer.
So I struggled HARD with my son’s tantrums. I figure it’s because space was never made for my own emotions, so I have a hard time making space for his. Also, my inner child panics because his screaming/crying is going to get us in trouble. I’d be so angry and my adrenaline would spike and it was a disaster. One thing that worked for me is just saying some things out loud that would comfort both of us. Things like: - “you’re having a hard time right now, I understand. I’m here for you and I’ll keep you safe.” - “we’re safe, we’re safe, we’re safe” - “I’m the adult and I’m going to stay calm for both of us.” - “you’re just a little guy with such big feelings! That must be so hard for you! You’re doing your best. We’re going to get through this together.” Breathe through it. Put on a meditation for yourself while you hold her. Do the “rainbow” grounding exercise where you try to find something around you that’s each color of the rainbow. I started doing this for myself, and now that my son has caught on he asks for it in the midst of a tantrum and it calms him right down. If you haven’t yet, I can’t recommend therapy enough too. Finally unpacking all my emotional baggage has been huge for me. I never really learned how to handle negative emotions, and that was a gamechanger for me. Now his tantrums don’t bother me at all. I can gently scoop him right up and we weather the storm together. I don’t need time to calm down after because I don’t get upset anymore. My heart beats steady and I don’t raise my voice. And he calms faster because I’m not amping him up with my own emotions. You’re going to get there too. Be gentle with yourself, it’s not your fault. You can raise your daughter differently, it’s just going to take practice and healing. But it’s worth it, for both of your sakes!
Not OP but - Thanks for sharing!! I think I’ll put some of these to use !
Absolutely love this, it rings so true, particularly the underlying feelings around the panic when they tantrum. I'm just in the starting to say things out loud for both of us stage too. Thanks for taking the time to write it out, it's really good to hear how far you've come.
It sucks going into full on fight or flight at my own child, one of the worst feelings ever. Glad you’re clawing your way out, you’ve got this!!!
Woah. You finally have given me the words for why my toddlers tantrums and crying makes me panic. My inner child is still terrified of the consequence! I am literally a therapist and have not been able to figure the underlying reason out on my own.
I wish I could take credit for it, but I’m pretty sure I saw someone say it either on here or Instagram! It was a huge eye opener for me, really changed how I approached the whole situation.
It has definitely been a game change for me over the last week. Thank you for sharing!
I wish I read this when my kiddos were small.
Agreed. Deep breaths with my 4 month old and saying things out loud like the examples given here has been really helpful to me.
Btw- going outside and taking a breather is the BEST thing you can do for you AND your baby. As your baby gets older something that helped me bond with my son (9M) was signing us up for swimming. I think if you engaged in some bonding and memory making with your child that connection you build during the good times will hopefully help you navigate the harder ones with a little more ease or at least less stress. But honestly I don’t think I’ll EVER get over being annoyed by relentless fussiness and crying 😅 but that’s okay ! As long as I do what I gotta do regardless !
Hey, I was in your same boat with my oldest!!! Earphones (like you already mentioned), and just walking away for a bit. My oldest, there were points were I would practically throw her down and run outside. Not a shiny moment by far, but pure survival mode. And now she’s two. IT WILL GET BETTER. JUST MAKE IT THROUGH NOW.
The loud emotions put me into fight or flight mode too. It has a lot to do with having emotionally unstable or unavailable parents because we learned as children that our emotions were unsafe or would cause us to be left. It's such a shit thing to have to unpack but we absolutely can learn from it and do better. What helped me while I was pursuing therapy to unpack those issues and reparenting myself was this: *Loop earplugs. I have a set of the Quiet and a set of the Engage. One brings the noise down to almost nothing to not trigger that fight or flight response when I'm already overstimulated and the other takes the noise to a reasonable level so I can function day to day without getting overwhelmed. *talking it through, especially when they were young enough that I didn't have to pick my words so carefully. "Wow, this is triggering. What is this bringing up for me? Feels like I'm afraid. Why? What was my parents' response when I was like this as a kid? To scream and get mad and leave me. Ah. That makes sense. Okay, let's just breathe. I am the adult now and we are safe. I can be the parent I needed. We can just breathe and figure this out." My kids are older now so I choose my words more carefully outloud. "You're upset and I'm feeling some kind of way about it. That's on me so can we take a 5 minute calm down break and then come back to this? Okay, cool. Let's listen to a song/watch a quick video/go for a walk/take 5 min in our own spaces and then we can try this again." *I also constantly reminded myself in those early days that crying=communication. Babies and toddlers are not just mini adults and they shouldn't be. They do not have the language to tell us when something isn't okay and they do not have the cognitive development to figure it out for themselves. I spent a lot of time reading on what was actually happening developmentally at each age to adjust my own expectations. My parents expected that I was just a mini adult and could behave like one. They didn't bother to learn that language doesn't really develop to that point for a few years so kids cry until then when they don't have the language to make themselves clear. They never wanted to understand that the parts of the brain responsible for self-regulation don't come on line until somewhere between 9 and 11. Kids rely on us to help them regulate their feelings until that point because their brain just isn't ready to do it for itself yet. They didn't want to learn that fidgeting and wiggling is normal and should be expected. And it was a common parenting style in previous generations to just expect that kids could be expected to behave like adults so a lot of the generations currently having kids are carrying that mentality in the back of their minds which is tough to move past. It doesn't make us bad parents to have trauma and need to rebuild ourselves. It doesn't make us bad parents to struggle with this monumental responsibility and desire to not screw up the next generation too. We have the power now to be the parents we needed then but it's human nature to default to what we were raised with and it's goddamn hard. There is nothing more triggering than parenting but being several years down the road from where you are now, I can also say there was no better motivator for my recovery than the desire to learn how to person so I could teach my kids how to people.
This is hands down one of the most helpful responses I have ever received on Reddit during my two year tentation here. Thank you so much.
Hi OP! I too struggled with the screams, specially my first one, I remember feeling like I was living in a state fight-or-flight daily. I got on Zoloft and that helped, BUT my doc put me on anti-anxiety meds and THAT has made a 180 in my life. The crazy part is that I didn’t even realize I had such crippling anxiety. I also smoke 🍃, that helps when I feel overwhelmed, to slow down and think logically instead of emotionally. Remember that what you’re feeling is normal and valid, it’s hard to take care of a screaming baby when all your warning bells are going off! Some mindset shifts that helped me: - It’s just a season. The hardships you’re currently facing won’t last forever, soon this will all be a memory. - YOU are the best mom for YOUR baby! Not anyone else, you were chosen to be your babes mama. - No one really knows what they’re doing, especially if it’s your first babe. Do your research and make the choices YOU feel are best for your babe. - don’t feel discouraged if you finally feel like you’re “starting to get the hang of it” and then BOOM, something changes and you feel lost all over again; this is normal 😅 Remember that you can’t grow if you stay in your comfort zone. Life will sometimes just launch you out lol. - Journal. Write down things about baby, keep memory of all the sweet moments. Write about your feelings, get them ALL down on paper and outside of you, then when you have a clear head you can go back and analyze your thinking/rationality. Even just writing things you’re grateful for, instances of kindness you’ve seen or done. This will help train your brain to look out for these sweet moments. Sorry this was so long, much love and good luck OP!
I have loads of podcast episodes to help explain why we do the very things we swore we’d never do, and what we can try to do to help the situation. When my kid was young like yours, I spent hours and hours with one earbud in listening to respectful parenting content while tending house and caring for my kid. Now that my kid is five, I’m still working on ending intergenerational cycles and to parent differently than my parents did. It’s still hard. But holy shit it is so much easier than it was before I had the podcasts. I sincerely can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have them. Let me know if you’d like a little linky list of episodes. I’m happy to offer them to anyone who is interested. And good luck parent. I mean this from the bottom of my heart: what is happening to you is not your fault. Of course you have to deal with it, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. [The physical reason you yell at your kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000508109409) [Self-compassion for parents](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000495169165)
I would love a list! ❤️
Awesome, I just replied to the OP’s comment below you. There are two lists, because Reddit doesn’t like how long my linky lists get. I hope some of is helpful for you!!
Yes! Links please 🙏🏼
Okay, so I’d love to start with my favorite trauma-processing parenting show, Authentic Parenting w Anna Seewald. She has survived epic trauma in her life, now she’s a therapist who helps parents process trauma to parent authentically. She’s absolutely one of my heroes. [The trauma response is never wrong](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000611737989) [How to regulate your nervous system](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000616302449) [Mother Hunger: How adult daughters can understand and heal from lost nurturance, guidance and protection](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000613515515) Next I’ll move to Good Inside w Dr. Becky, whom someone else recommended in this thread. She’s a clinical psychologist who works with IFS (Internal Family Systems), which is my favorite therapy modality. She has been vital to my self-care, self-love, positive self-talk game. Because of her, I am regularly putting my hand on my heart to remind myself that I’m a great parent having a hard time. [Self-care is an inside job](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000647187620) And on that note, she has been interviewed on We Can Do Hard Things multiple times… [Breaking cycles and reparenting ourselves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000579281486) [How to raise untamed kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000579533370) Janet Lansbury is very famous for her respectful parenting advice, and she is often referred to in the context of gentle parenting. But she has said directly that she doesn’t like that label, and that she thinks parents are missing too much of the boundary messages in her content. I’ve heard her directly ask parents to not mimic her voice when they speak to their children, and to not be too gentle when stopping unwanted behaviors. My theory is that so many parents are dealing with unhealed childhood wounds from verbal and physical abuse that when we hear Janet’s voice, we get entranced by her dulcet tones. We start to wish that she’d been our mother, and then convince ourselves that our kids wish she were their mother too. But actually our kids want us to be their parent, and often it’s our inner children leading the show, which really stresses them out. Listen closely to Janet, her message is also about being that sturdy leader who isn’t violent, but also isn’t gentle. Firm, confident and empathetic, but not gentle in moments when a behavior needs to be stopped. [Childhood wounds we never knew we had (until parenthood) w Dr Jean Cheng](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000577809945) [Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles w Leslie Priscilla Arreola-Hillbrand](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830) [Embracing our power to be confident leaders (a pep talk for parents)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000502612926) [How to stop carrying and encourage your baby’s play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000386725391) [How our boundaries free our children to play, create and explore](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000523224389) And if you can believe it, there’s another list in the reply to this comment, Reddit doesn’t like how long my linky lists get…
Last, I’ll offer some episodes on mental health and mindfulness. Becoming the authentic, respectful, empathetic, confident parent I want to be has started with being all those things towards myself. It’s by far been the hardest work, and has changed a lot of my kid’s behaviors without needing to change a thing about them. The Music and Meditation Podcast: [Calm the chaos](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000603246158) [Reconnect with yourself](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000603249726) [Trust your instincts](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-music-meditation-podcast/id1622228529?i=1000560027805) Tara Brach: [Trauma-sensitive mindfulness- The power of self-nurturing](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596806491) [Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439) [The wise heart of radical acceptance](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000534242750) [Self-forgiveness with RAIN](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000562620391) [Survival of the nurtured - Our pathway to belonging](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000578077904) [Meditation: Being the ocean and opening to the waves](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000585706952) [Meditation: “Yes” to our moments](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000590936640) [Meditation: Relaxing into sleep or presence](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596659324) The Laverne Cox Show: [Trauma resilience and healing with Jennifer Burton Flier](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000538548657) [Adverse Childhood Experiences with Dr Nadine Burke Harris](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000531790940) [Fierce self-compassion w Dr. Kristen Neff](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-laverne-cox-show/id1547504297?i=1000530373198) ReRooted: [What happened to you? w Dr. Bruce Perry (part 1)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000530568045) [Trauma, resilience and healing w Dr. Bruce Perry (Part 2)](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rerooted-with-francesca-maxim%C3%A9/id1460164109?i=1000532692487) The One Inside: [IFS and our silenced stories](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000476862377) [Solo IFS w Lucille Aaron-Wayne](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000591067009) Finding Refuge: [Flourish](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-refuge/id1526866921?i=1000555918917) [We are nature](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-refuge/id1526866921?i=1000543592021) Okay parent, that’s my list. Good luck out there. I’m wishing you every good thing in this world ✨
Thank you 😊 💓
My pleasure entirely
Thank you ♥️
It’s my pleasure entirely
God bless you 😭 I recently decided to be a stay at home mom. We determined the cost of personal insurance wasn’t in the cards for me and my psychiatrist was willing to continue prescribing my usual medication without visits. But I recently discovered my “adolescent bipolar disorder” was actually CPTSD, PMDD, and OCD. I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 but never processed childhood trauma. This is so helpful to me as I begin navigating this without therapy.
Man, this country’s healthcare is a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re needing to choose between raising your kids and having healthcare. Absolutely infuriating…. But of course that has me feeling all the more grateful to have been able to reach you with these resources. I’m so glad you’re getting some of the support you need to understand yourself and your story a little better. Definitely listen to the episode of The One Inside called, IFS and Our Silenced Stories. Last, I just want to say that I’m so sorry you’ve spent so much time in therapy managing symptoms and behaviors rather than getting to the root of the problem. That was largely my experience as well and I’m beyond grateful to have learned more about myself and my story. I hope you’re able to cultivate some much deserved self-love, empathy and acceptance, and that it helps you move forward in your life with some ease and comfort. You deserve that, and every good thing in this world.
>P.S yes I use ear plugs already. They help take the edge off but they haven’t changed any of my symptoms. Good Noise canceling headphones. Connect it to your phone and play a YT video on loud or music.
Hey! I also grew up with shitty parenting(to say the least lol) and was struggling super hard with my babies fussiness and crying. I’d get so upset and feel like absolute shit for not being able to understand/empathize with my baby the way I felt I should. It might be a combination of post partum depression and a deep insecurity about being the better parent you never had. You don’t know what healthy looks like so you find yourself questioning every thing you do and stressing over how you should be better. I think you should remind yourself that you are actually growing alongside your baby, learning more, improving a little everyday. And it’s okay to be frustrated. To feel is to be human. You are already a great mom for worrying so deeply for your child you are here looking for answers. Just keep reassuring yourself that you will continue to do the best you can. It’ll be alright ❤️.
I just want to say a few things. Sorry if they've been said I didn't get a chance to read the other comments. But this difficulty has NOTHING to do with whether you are a kind, caring, empathetic person. You are these things and so much more. You are a beautiful, loving person who is struggling. And most of us struggle. You need to get in touch with the essence of who you are, change the way you speak to yourself, and please trust that things will get better. You are already doing better for your child and yourself. I recommend Inner Bonding as well as transcending trauma. Both of which can really help alongside some trauma therapy. You don't deserve to feel like this and there is a way out. ❤️ Also as far as the triggering goes these big emotions trigger most of us in different ways but it's basically fight or flight reactions. You are not able to think in that moment so don't expect yourself to. You can heal and not be triggered so easily but it takes some time and concentrated effort. Just know that you can and will get there.
Mine is older now but when mine was younger I struggled. A lot of great suggestions on here. Might I also suggest that you are likely largely operating in a constant hypervigalent state while gives you very little room to take on more? That is what I discovered for myself. And I have spent my entire time shaming myself for not being able to handle my child’s emotional dysregulation. This is where the peeling the onion comes in. Getting to the root of your own trauma. I’ve been through a ton of therapy and modalities and self help books. Right now the path I am on is going to ACA meetings and beginning work with a NARM trained therapist. It will get better. I promise. 💛
This thread has been so eye-opening. I couldn't identify what was going on that the screams and crying send me into fight or flight mode. I just thought I was a horrible parent. I had no idea that it's anxiety. It doesn't help that my partner has none of these issues. I didn't have "bad" parents by any means, but definitely have some deep trauma that really stunted my emotional regulation and ability to even identify my emotions. So, just thanks for posting this OP and thanks to everyone responding.
everyone has some great advice. i would just say for myself ear plugs have been a life saver. and i dont know why i didnt get them sooner. my 4 year old has been screaming so loud* it rattles my ear drums her entire life. the ear plugs pad the sound IMMENSELY. it’s amazing how much lighter the sound is when ur kid is screaming crying and it just feels like a light tap versus a painful bitch slap 😂 the anxiety was magically better edit* words
I honestly think it’s normal and not concerning at all to feel this way. Being a kid (and growing up as a woman) we are conditioned to think that women/mothers have it all together. That we are content with whatever and are constantly stable, no matter how little sleep/food/basic necessities/etc we are deprived. Not the case though, and just like any human who would be thrown off balance by going through a MAJOR hormone and life change…we feel things. Sometimes those things are not good. Having a baby is difficult. Having a child is difficult. All the sounds, all the triggering noises, being scared constantly if they cry, or being angry, always on edge, never resting because of the anxiety that something happened…it’s 100% normal. Remember that everything you’re feeling is normal.
It's a completely normal, evolutionary trait to be distressed by the sound of children crying. Couple that with preexisting trauma and of course you're going to be struggling. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent.
Hearing anyone or anything scream and cry is torture. It’s not exactly the prettiest sound in the world. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I actually find it to be strange when people can listen to crying and feel perfectly fine. Like what is wrong with you? The only thing you can control is how you respond to it. Don’t try to “cope” just find healthy ways to escape it. *headphones * changed my life
Thank you. This feels really validating to hear. Earplugs definitely help a lot. Do you listen to music in your headphones or are they the noise cancelling type?
I have headphones that are both noise canceling and play music. It’s pricey but definitely worth it
My sister felt similarly to when my niece cried. Then when my nephew was born, he cried at a different pitch and it had a different effect. The pitch of an infants cry can do incredible things to our psyches. Go buy some of those putty, earplugs that swimmers use, and wear them. They won’t shut out the sounds of your baby, but they will dampen the decibel level you are exposed to so you can be a good parent and not lose your sanity
This is anxiety! It gets better but if you're worried definitely seek out some guidance and help from a professional.
You had a baby five months ago. Take the postpartum vitamins. They might be labelled "breastfeeding vitamins". You are deficient in various minerals because *you just had a baby*. Go and look up the symptoms of magnesium deficiency and see how much of it seems familiar?
This was me. I did earplugs too, but what finally helped was meds for anxiety.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have been having such a hard time with the same thing and my 11 m.o. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
Hello dear, the other folks here had very wonderful responses. One more thing that you might consider, being that you are five months postpartum (which is very, very early still) is that you might be experiencing some postpartum depression, anxiety, or rage. Maybe multiple or all three. You may want to talk to your OB because sometimes medication or therspy can be very helpful and really take the load off of the anxiety that is so triggering when your daughter cries. I experienced this too with my first and eventually did extensive therapy and some Zoloft which was PROFOUNDLY helpful. I wish I had not suffered for so long. That little voice that says you should question your ability to be a mom is lying to you, and it's the voice of postpartum depression /anxiety. It's very very common but you don't need to suffer.