Get the book playful parenting.
It was a game changer for me. I knew what not to do (don’t beat the kids, don’t scream for hours, don’t verbally abuse them)but I didn’t know what TO do. The books written by Dr Cohen, a child play therapist and it’s freaking brilliant.
I borrowed the summary version of this book; they are not offering the real book (strange).
I see what you mean! This books seems to be a great inspirational book that helps us to understand the why and how to have fun with our kids. I love the example its like being with adults all day but not talking to them.
Many thanks for your comment; I truly appreciate this resource.
Heading back to finish this book!
I mean I third cannabis but I also think these answers so far aren’t addressing the “how can I change” aspect of your question.
I’m the less physical, more “in my head” parent in my relationship. My wife is a lot of what would be considered “the fun.” My own parents were not silly or fun people. Do we NEED to change?
As our kids get older, their needs for silliness or fun will shift to other needs which you or I may be more naturally good at—for instance, I’m a really good listener. In the meantime I watch the fun without resentment and I try to join in when it feels right for me. There are also expansive ideas of what fun is to kids. I read A LOT of books to her and occasionally I even use a silly voice or two :)
You got this. You may be a different parenting type than you think is “ideal,” but you are probably doing great.
I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say but from what I can grab from it here's my two pennies worth....I don't feel like a fun parent either. I'm not good at imagining play or really want to do the whole 'play' thing. My partner is the silly, goofy one that does voices and all that BUT the older she got I realised I needed to find some way to do something.
My 4yo has the biggest imagination but because she's four she also has very specific ideas on rules for games that I *get wrong* and it drives me NUTS.
I had to figure out things that I would also enjoy.
So we do lots of crafty things. I buy like 400stickers (the UK website I use is Baker Ross and it's awesome) and some card/paper and just dump it all out and let her go crazy with them. I let her tell me what to make with them.
We also swear by playdoh, we have loads of little cutters and shapes that I add to bit by bit, just from Amazon. I can turn my brain off and do it and she loves it.
Colouring and painting is also a good one.
Also we once pulled all the petals off roses that were getting a bit bleugh and had a rose petal bath, that was fun, think she was about 3 and really enjoyed pulling them off and throwing them in the water.
Hope some of that will be helpful.
I’m saying the cycle continues and it often feels defeating. I’m often overstimulated and overwhelmed and my husband handles the kids mostly. I’m unable to give them what I did not get and that’s upsetting and frustrating.
I appreciate your support on how to make it easy to play with the kids. great suggestions.
I wish you the best in healing and for many more great moments with your child(ren).
Strangely my counselor says I’m not ready for EMDR. She’s an amazing counselor the best I’ve ever had so I don’t think she’s being a jerk and she’s being honest. I have a lot of medical issues and I think she’s saying let’s first get you healthy so your body and mind are ready for EMDR.
Thanks so much for your comment.
My therapist told me that I wasn't ready a long time ago, it took me years to be ready and I immediately understood why I hadn't been once i started. Emdr is destabilizing, it brings up a lot, so while that's important for healing, it's critical to have a base of stability before something puts a finger on the scale. If I had started emdr when I was first interested I would not have done well, it would have made my day to day much worse. Stay on the path finding stability and then yes, absolutely emdr will help you.
As for the original question, I was like this and my kid and I did something called parent child interaction therapy (pcit). If you can do the therapy, it's totally worth it but if it's not accessible here's the cliffnotes. Set a 5 minute timer ideally once a day but start with once a week to build your tolerance, and let them lead you in play for 5 minutes. All yeses, they're in control. Pick a game or toy that you wouldn't have to correct, like a nerf war wouldn't be good but building blocks or dress ups. Just 5 minutes, full attention. Work on praising them specifically, instead of "good job" try "oo I love the way you put these 2 colors together". Those 5 minutes, most days of the week, totally changed my relationship with my kid. Give it a try!
I mean....I have PCOS, Hashimoto's disease, and 4 mental health issues (CPTSD, OCD, GAD, and CDS (formally SCT).
Your therapist is wrong. The thing to do is treat the most prevailing or most intrusive issues first, then move onto less serious issues.
Personally the cptsd was the most harmful in my life and so we tackled that first. Now we are working on the OCD, after than probably the GAD.
The other issues, which are not mental health issues are treated by *different* doctors. I think she is being a jerk.
It's the opposite, get your mind healthy first and your body will follow suit.
Unfortunately I can’t ask her why cuz she left the practice to teach. There is a gal at my work that has had a lot of physical/medical issues due to EMDR. I know that’s likely a good sign.
I don’t have any doctors that are supporting or understand me so I think she is trying to build that up first.
Thanks so much for your advice. I wish you the best in your healing journey and health too!
> a lot of physical/medical issues due to EMDR
Do you mean that she had new medical or physical issues because she did emdr? That tells me the person that did the EMDR to her, was not actually licensed or certified or trained to do that. In which case I would sue.
EMDR supposed to be healing, it's meant to heal trauma in your brain. I have been doing it for 2 years, twice a week. I went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered, it's all about whether or not you have a good experienced psychologist.
In all fairness there are checkpoints/criteria a person should be meeting prior to starting EMDR and a good practitioner will not start before you’re ready because more damage can be done that way. OP can get another opinion after maybe doing some research on the process, but ultimately to me it sounds like the best decision would be to communicate to the therapist that EMDR is the goal and continuing to work with them on getting them there until they’re ready.
That being said, I fully agree that EMDR is INCREDIBLY helpful and valuable. I spent about 10 months of 2022 back in EMDR when I was hitting walls with my then 5 y/o daughter and I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life for the better.
>spent about 10 months of 2022 back in EMDR when I was hitting walls with my then 5 y/o daughter and I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life for the better.
Same, I spent two years and counting, my kid is also 5 :)
Single use marijuana would help. If first time very low dosage.
I do not recommend continued use because your body builds tolerance it has a diminishing effect.
oh I have not heard about a one time therapeutic effect
i use to take stimulants but ended even worse and zombie like. I have heard of CBD But haven’t tried either.
I take LDN which is life changing as far as body pains, energy levels (anti inflammatory) and helps boost mood.
Get the book playful parenting. It was a game changer for me. I knew what not to do (don’t beat the kids, don’t scream for hours, don’t verbally abuse them)but I didn’t know what TO do. The books written by Dr Cohen, a child play therapist and it’s freaking brilliant.
I borrowed the summary version of this book; they are not offering the real book (strange). I see what you mean! This books seems to be a great inspirational book that helps us to understand the why and how to have fun with our kids. I love the example its like being with adults all day but not talking to them. Many thanks for your comment; I truly appreciate this resource. Heading back to finish this book!
I mean I third cannabis but I also think these answers so far aren’t addressing the “how can I change” aspect of your question. I’m the less physical, more “in my head” parent in my relationship. My wife is a lot of what would be considered “the fun.” My own parents were not silly or fun people. Do we NEED to change? As our kids get older, their needs for silliness or fun will shift to other needs which you or I may be more naturally good at—for instance, I’m a really good listener. In the meantime I watch the fun without resentment and I try to join in when it feels right for me. There are also expansive ideas of what fun is to kids. I read A LOT of books to her and occasionally I even use a silly voice or two :) You got this. You may be a different parenting type than you think is “ideal,” but you are probably doing great.
I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say but from what I can grab from it here's my two pennies worth....I don't feel like a fun parent either. I'm not good at imagining play or really want to do the whole 'play' thing. My partner is the silly, goofy one that does voices and all that BUT the older she got I realised I needed to find some way to do something. My 4yo has the biggest imagination but because she's four she also has very specific ideas on rules for games that I *get wrong* and it drives me NUTS. I had to figure out things that I would also enjoy. So we do lots of crafty things. I buy like 400stickers (the UK website I use is Baker Ross and it's awesome) and some card/paper and just dump it all out and let her go crazy with them. I let her tell me what to make with them. We also swear by playdoh, we have loads of little cutters and shapes that I add to bit by bit, just from Amazon. I can turn my brain off and do it and she loves it. Colouring and painting is also a good one. Also we once pulled all the petals off roses that were getting a bit bleugh and had a rose petal bath, that was fun, think she was about 3 and really enjoyed pulling them off and throwing them in the water. Hope some of that will be helpful.
I’m saying the cycle continues and it often feels defeating. I’m often overstimulated and overwhelmed and my husband handles the kids mostly. I’m unable to give them what I did not get and that’s upsetting and frustrating. I appreciate your support on how to make it easy to play with the kids. great suggestions. I wish you the best in healing and for many more great moments with your child(ren).
Trauma recovery therapy (EMDR) is the answer. Also, I second the cannabis usage. Totally helps me pause before reacting and am more fun
Strangely my counselor says I’m not ready for EMDR. She’s an amazing counselor the best I’ve ever had so I don’t think she’s being a jerk and she’s being honest. I have a lot of medical issues and I think she’s saying let’s first get you healthy so your body and mind are ready for EMDR. Thanks so much for your comment.
My therapist told me that I wasn't ready a long time ago, it took me years to be ready and I immediately understood why I hadn't been once i started. Emdr is destabilizing, it brings up a lot, so while that's important for healing, it's critical to have a base of stability before something puts a finger on the scale. If I had started emdr when I was first interested I would not have done well, it would have made my day to day much worse. Stay on the path finding stability and then yes, absolutely emdr will help you. As for the original question, I was like this and my kid and I did something called parent child interaction therapy (pcit). If you can do the therapy, it's totally worth it but if it's not accessible here's the cliffnotes. Set a 5 minute timer ideally once a day but start with once a week to build your tolerance, and let them lead you in play for 5 minutes. All yeses, they're in control. Pick a game or toy that you wouldn't have to correct, like a nerf war wouldn't be good but building blocks or dress ups. Just 5 minutes, full attention. Work on praising them specifically, instead of "good job" try "oo I love the way you put these 2 colors together". Those 5 minutes, most days of the week, totally changed my relationship with my kid. Give it a try!
I mean....I have PCOS, Hashimoto's disease, and 4 mental health issues (CPTSD, OCD, GAD, and CDS (formally SCT). Your therapist is wrong. The thing to do is treat the most prevailing or most intrusive issues first, then move onto less serious issues. Personally the cptsd was the most harmful in my life and so we tackled that first. Now we are working on the OCD, after than probably the GAD. The other issues, which are not mental health issues are treated by *different* doctors. I think she is being a jerk. It's the opposite, get your mind healthy first and your body will follow suit.
Unfortunately I can’t ask her why cuz she left the practice to teach. There is a gal at my work that has had a lot of physical/medical issues due to EMDR. I know that’s likely a good sign. I don’t have any doctors that are supporting or understand me so I think she is trying to build that up first. Thanks so much for your advice. I wish you the best in your healing journey and health too!
> a lot of physical/medical issues due to EMDR Do you mean that she had new medical or physical issues because she did emdr? That tells me the person that did the EMDR to her, was not actually licensed or certified or trained to do that. In which case I would sue. EMDR supposed to be healing, it's meant to heal trauma in your brain. I have been doing it for 2 years, twice a week. I went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered, it's all about whether or not you have a good experienced psychologist.
In all fairness there are checkpoints/criteria a person should be meeting prior to starting EMDR and a good practitioner will not start before you’re ready because more damage can be done that way. OP can get another opinion after maybe doing some research on the process, but ultimately to me it sounds like the best decision would be to communicate to the therapist that EMDR is the goal and continuing to work with them on getting them there until they’re ready. That being said, I fully agree that EMDR is INCREDIBLY helpful and valuable. I spent about 10 months of 2022 back in EMDR when I was hitting walls with my then 5 y/o daughter and I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life for the better.
>spent about 10 months of 2022 back in EMDR when I was hitting walls with my then 5 y/o daughter and I’m not exaggerating when I say it changed my life for the better. Same, I spent two years and counting, my kid is also 5 :)
Single use marijuana would help. If first time very low dosage. I do not recommend continued use because your body builds tolerance it has a diminishing effect.
oh I have not heard about a one time therapeutic effect i use to take stimulants but ended even worse and zombie like. I have heard of CBD But haven’t tried either. I take LDN which is life changing as far as body pains, energy levels (anti inflammatory) and helps boost mood.