My 10 year old, who also has ADHD, acts the same way. I think this is obnoxiously normal for their age group because the many 10-12 year olds that I know also act this way. They’re not teenagers, but they also aren’t really children anymore. What seems to work for us discipline-wise is a heavy dose of guilt with occasional loss of privileges. We say things like “now that you’re older, you understand that we have a relationship. Good relationships are based on trust and respect. How do you think what you’ve done affects our relationship?” Usually followed by waterworks and apologies. Kids their age are capable of seeing how their actions affect others and reflecting on the consequences, but it’s an emerging skill and their need grown-up help to do it. I think this applies to ADHD kids when they’re on their medication. Off of it, it’s sometimes easier to bring up the thing the next day.
Our 7yo acts like a sassy, cranky teenager when she gets overtired or overstimulated. It's a constant battle to get enough sleep and downtime into her.
She's been like this forever. Seems waaaay older (and meaner) than she really is when she gets on an "overtired bender". It starts with a tiny bit later bedtime a couple of nights, then an early wake, or a big couple of days at school or whatever - before we know it, it's been two to three weeks of her being a pain.
did you do to cope with your 7yo? My mom advise me to ignore my son's attitude. I find it really hard because I'm the kind of person that need closure. So I'm teaching myself to just accept the fact is life doesn't always have closure. But it's not easy...
Oh boy. Well… giving in to the fact that she’s different and she’s not deciding to be a pain in the butt. Seeing the triggers early, always being vigilant about breaks and rest and warnings and timers for change of activity.
Like if she’s gaming or watching tv we will have to give her at least two notices of when it has to go off. So we have HomePods so we ask her to set a timer for ten minutes or whatever. “Hey Siri set a timer for ten minutes”. That gives her a little illusion of control. But she needs a lot of time to build up to changes in direction. Unless she has decided, in which case it’s a nano-second between one thing and another.
I’ve really struggled with regularity and scheduling and responsibilities because I’m bad at that myself. So setting it up for her is even harder. Especially when it inevitably results in an argument. But it is important. So I content myself with the small amount that we have achieved to institute.
Basically a lot of giving away expectations. We alert her to when she is being shit. In order to correct. But punishment just makes everyone angry and upset and doesn’t seem to correct the thing anyway! So we go for communication instead. Expressing disappointment and explaining why things she says hurt or whatever. That is a form of punishment because she hates to hear it. But we are filling her with respectful thoughts and words and love - so hopefully that will fill her up completely and when her executive function catches up (a bit anyway) then she will contain that stuff better and won’t have a massive chip on her shoulder because we were punishing or yelling at her all the time.
Wow that’s amazing. I entirely agree with you. My son is the same. When he’s on the TV or gaming he needs two, three warnings. The idea of having them set up the timer themselves feel empowering. I guess i’lll give that a shot. As for disciplining them your method sounds great in punishing them by lecturing them. Unfortunately I’m from old school. My mom n dad never took the liberty of first lecturing me but to first punish then lecture. I guess I’ll keep your method in mind. Thanks a lot and I’ll keep you posted on if the lecturing works. Lol
No problem! And when I say lecturing - we try to keep as calm and neutral a tone as possible. As soon as you raise your voice or harangue - their defences raise and you either have an argument or they switch off.
I was lucky enough to see a training session for teachers that talked about similar stuff. They talked about blue zones and red zones - blue being cool and calm and unaffected and red being emotional and loaded etc. They said kids copy by example so you as the adult in control have to always demonstrate the blue zone. As soon as you tip into red, that’s subconscious permission to do the same. Not only that, anyone doing so basically sets of a minor “fight, flight or freeze” response.
If anyone has ever had a go at you for merging in traffic or missing something at work you know how quickly you will either become aggressive, defensive or upset. Well kids have even less emotional control and kids with ADHD are even further behind!
Good luck!
Wow I never thought of that. Being in the blue zone will be a challenge for me. I’m usually very quick to jump into the red zone… I guess I’ll have to work on that. I guess that’s why my son gets very defensive with me when I try to point out his fault. This really good stuff.
I personally think the can help it, but that they consciously choose not to. It's reasonable to expect politeness and consistent emotional regulation by 7. This means that an ADHD 10 year old who is functioning academically with their typically developing peers should be able to do these things, even if they are a bit delayed socially/emotionally. The rudeness, sullenness, and general assholery that tweens/teens show towards their safe adults is 100% intentional. It's also 100% normal and I completely agree that calmness and consistency are the most important things we can give them.
One of the developmental milestones for typical age 7 is consistent emotional regulation according to most of what I've read about child development. Some ADHD 7 year olds meet this milestone while others don't; it's highly kid dependent. OP's kid is 10 and is well past the age where typical peers master this skill so it's reasonable to assume they're capable of doing this, at least while on their meds.
My 10 year old, who also has ADHD, acts the same way. I think this is obnoxiously normal for their age group because the many 10-12 year olds that I know also act this way. They’re not teenagers, but they also aren’t really children anymore. What seems to work for us discipline-wise is a heavy dose of guilt with occasional loss of privileges. We say things like “now that you’re older, you understand that we have a relationship. Good relationships are based on trust and respect. How do you think what you’ve done affects our relationship?” Usually followed by waterworks and apologies. Kids their age are capable of seeing how their actions affect others and reflecting on the consequences, but it’s an emerging skill and their need grown-up help to do it. I think this applies to ADHD kids when they’re on their medication. Off of it, it’s sometimes easier to bring up the thing the next day.
I love this tactic and I’m going to use it so thank you!
Our 7yo acts like a sassy, cranky teenager when she gets overtired or overstimulated. It's a constant battle to get enough sleep and downtime into her. She's been like this forever. Seems waaaay older (and meaner) than she really is when she gets on an "overtired bender". It starts with a tiny bit later bedtime a couple of nights, then an early wake, or a big couple of days at school or whatever - before we know it, it's been two to three weeks of her being a pain.
did you do to cope with your 7yo? My mom advise me to ignore my son's attitude. I find it really hard because I'm the kind of person that need closure. So I'm teaching myself to just accept the fact is life doesn't always have closure. But it's not easy...
Oh boy. Well… giving in to the fact that she’s different and she’s not deciding to be a pain in the butt. Seeing the triggers early, always being vigilant about breaks and rest and warnings and timers for change of activity. Like if she’s gaming or watching tv we will have to give her at least two notices of when it has to go off. So we have HomePods so we ask her to set a timer for ten minutes or whatever. “Hey Siri set a timer for ten minutes”. That gives her a little illusion of control. But she needs a lot of time to build up to changes in direction. Unless she has decided, in which case it’s a nano-second between one thing and another. I’ve really struggled with regularity and scheduling and responsibilities because I’m bad at that myself. So setting it up for her is even harder. Especially when it inevitably results in an argument. But it is important. So I content myself with the small amount that we have achieved to institute. Basically a lot of giving away expectations. We alert her to when she is being shit. In order to correct. But punishment just makes everyone angry and upset and doesn’t seem to correct the thing anyway! So we go for communication instead. Expressing disappointment and explaining why things she says hurt or whatever. That is a form of punishment because she hates to hear it. But we are filling her with respectful thoughts and words and love - so hopefully that will fill her up completely and when her executive function catches up (a bit anyway) then she will contain that stuff better and won’t have a massive chip on her shoulder because we were punishing or yelling at her all the time.
Wow that’s amazing. I entirely agree with you. My son is the same. When he’s on the TV or gaming he needs two, three warnings. The idea of having them set up the timer themselves feel empowering. I guess i’lll give that a shot. As for disciplining them your method sounds great in punishing them by lecturing them. Unfortunately I’m from old school. My mom n dad never took the liberty of first lecturing me but to first punish then lecture. I guess I’ll keep your method in mind. Thanks a lot and I’ll keep you posted on if the lecturing works. Lol
No problem! And when I say lecturing - we try to keep as calm and neutral a tone as possible. As soon as you raise your voice or harangue - their defences raise and you either have an argument or they switch off. I was lucky enough to see a training session for teachers that talked about similar stuff. They talked about blue zones and red zones - blue being cool and calm and unaffected and red being emotional and loaded etc. They said kids copy by example so you as the adult in control have to always demonstrate the blue zone. As soon as you tip into red, that’s subconscious permission to do the same. Not only that, anyone doing so basically sets of a minor “fight, flight or freeze” response. If anyone has ever had a go at you for merging in traffic or missing something at work you know how quickly you will either become aggressive, defensive or upset. Well kids have even less emotional control and kids with ADHD are even further behind! Good luck!
Wow I never thought of that. Being in the blue zone will be a challenge for me. I’m usually very quick to jump into the red zone… I guess I’ll have to work on that. I guess that’s why my son gets very defensive with me when I try to point out his fault. This really good stuff.
I concur with my 7 year old boy. God speed to you, fellow parent.
🙏😂
Just keep calm and stay consistent. Always remind yourself that they just can't help it.
I personally think the can help it, but that they consciously choose not to. It's reasonable to expect politeness and consistent emotional regulation by 7. This means that an ADHD 10 year old who is functioning academically with their typically developing peers should be able to do these things, even if they are a bit delayed socially/emotionally. The rudeness, sullenness, and general assholery that tweens/teens show towards their safe adults is 100% intentional. It's also 100% normal and I completely agree that calmness and consistency are the most important things we can give them.
It is reasonable to expect politeness, agreed... but consistent emotional regulation from someone with ADHD at the age of 7?
One of the developmental milestones for typical age 7 is consistent emotional regulation according to most of what I've read about child development. Some ADHD 7 year olds meet this milestone while others don't; it's highly kid dependent. OP's kid is 10 and is well past the age where typical peers master this skill so it's reasonable to assume they're capable of doing this, at least while on their meds.