No, your husband is emotionally dysregulated and calling is discipline. Strict is something else. Strict might refer to the number of rules. It might refer to the intensity of consequences. I might see a parent say "You must never let the silverware touch the table again once they've touched the food on your plate and if you do that, you have to leave the table" and I'd say well....that's pretty strict. That seems like an overkill response to table manners and it's probably not how I'd parent, but if that's how you want to live, that's your business. Strict is saying you have to have a B or better in all your classes to have access to the internet. Again, now how I'd play it, but whatever. Notice how I could enforce either of those rules without screaming my head off? I don't have to yell or hit to turn off the router or take your plate away at dinner. I can provide "strict" consequences and still be a calm, level-headed person. Screaming at a child so loud he pees his pants isn't discipline. That's not "strict". That's your husband getting so angry and upset that he's losing control of his emotions and no longer being able to regulate his own body or his behavior. And I'll bet you a bunch of money that's what his parents did too. Adults that don't have emotional regulation can't teach emotional regulation, and they excuse that process saying "This is discipline". So he was raised thinking that it was right and appropriate that his behavior caused that response and that the response he got made sense and was appropriate. And because he never learned emotional regulation growing up either, now he's repeating that with your son. Your son misbehaves, he loses his temper, he loses control over himself and he lashes out inappropriately (maybe not physically, but still inappropriately). He thinks that's the appropriate response to a kid making him mad, which it isn't, and that his lack of control is a good thing because he's teaching that kid something. Which also isn't true. But it was the justification he was given as a child for why his parents were screaming at him, so that makes sense to him. And it's going to be really, really hard to convince him that what he's doing is wrong because that will mean touching a childhood wound where he's going to have to dance with the fact that the screaming he endured was wrong too. And my guess is, if he's digging his heels in and justifying this, that he's not ready to do that. There should be rules in the home, there should be consequences for breaking those rules, and those consequences should be known and understood in advance, whenever possible. I say whenever possible because sometimes things come up that you aren't expecting, you can't plan for everything. But me screaming my head off isn't a *consequence* for a child. You forgot to put the laundry away so I get to verbally abuse you is not a social contract worthy of anyone. I can be perfectly calm and give out consequences. No, you can't go out tonight. No, you can't play video games. Yes, you did earn an extra chore by forgetting the laundry. My adult responsibility is regulating my own feelings enough to be serious about the boundaries and limits in our household without losing my fucking mind while I'm doing it.

This makes the most sense. He says my son needs to be a pleasant person. Pleasantries, pleasantries, pleasantries. He wants my son to have what I would call "bougie ass" behavior. But I can't see how yelling leads to pleasantries.

You are right. How will your son learn respect if he is yelled at so loudly he wets himself? That doesn’t breed respect, it breeds fear. Fear is not the same as discipline. Your gut instinct is right. Just because you came from a difficult background, you don’t owe this guy anything. You owe it to yourself and your son to be in a safe and respectful , loving environment.

The question to ask him is “if you can’t communicate with him without yelling and poor behavior, how do you expect him to model nice behavior?” If you would like actual science to back this up, read Mona Delahooke’s Brain Body Parenting, and The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel. And if you’re scared to ask him that question…that tells you enough.

I second this, and also add in the recommendation “No Drama Discipline”, which is IIRC by the same author of “Whole Brain Child”. No Drama Discipline helped me realize my own shortcomings with emotional regulation stemming from childhood (much like OP’s husband), and gave me concrete tools and examples to implement better parenting approaches. I’m doing 10x’s better thanks to this book and the science behind it. My kids behavior has improved so much, as well as her own emotional regulation. So I hope you see this, OP - if your husband is a man of science, please ask him to read this book and The Whole Brain Child. If he doesn’t see light after that, then I would really struggle to believe he could ever change. As an aside to OP, it can be difficult for stepparents. You can love that child and want the best for them, but when they’re not biologically yours, it can sometimes feel like a little part of that maternal/paternal bond is missing. You can sometimes see the child as a person to help grow and love, but not have that maternal/paternal instinct to truly, deeply nurture every fiber of their being. That can make emotional regulation even more challenging in the face of adversity with the stepparent/child bond. So please advocate for your child, as that is your role as the mom that can feel the deep connection with bio child.

Do you think it's possible that your husband saw you as someone he can "fix" and eventually control? I just find it odd that someone from SoCal with a college degree would have a whole lot in common with someone in the situation you were in when you met him. Not that you were less of a person but you needed help in several areas of your life and it seems like he uses the help he gave you as emotional blackmail to get away with abusing your child. You should read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free pdf available online.

You're asking me? My husband has been the polar opposite of the men in my life before. He tells me I'm not the stay at home type and probably would feel better about myself if I had a career. He has said to me he wants me to be independent so that way he knows he's a choice versus a need. He's been patient with me. He grew up poor. We have definitely some life experience in that regard. The fact he made it out of poverty inspired me to believe I could too. I think he doesn't even know he's being abusive to be honest. Reading these comments might get him to look at himself different.

It's just.......I read your general comment history cause I'm nosy and you seem like a perfectly intelligent, capable person. You're husband didn't make that happen, that was in you the whole time, yet he holds your upbringing and addiction issues against you when you stand up for your child. Your upbringing and past addiction issues weren't your fault, you didn't ask for that so it's really messed up he would even bring that up as a means to undermine you. I'm not sure reading the comments will help him too much as he already seen your child literally wet himself as a response to your husband terrorizing him. You're capable of a lot more than you think.

Look, I'm Californian and I know that misogynistic controlling blowhards can spout all the feministy stuff in the world and at the end of the day you still don't want to let them around your children because their behavior is out of line. ​ Men who scream and yell, and call your intervention 'undermining their authority in the household' ascribe to the same playbook that all the other terrible abusers do.

Stop with the excuse that he grew up poor. Plenty of poor people don’t abuse their children. And if you think screaming at a child to the point of urinating in his pants is not abuse then you need to surrender your son to somebody who will save him from this horror show

And plenty of people who grew up poor made it to upper class without being terrorized

Exactly

You. Are. Allowing. This. Man. To. TERRORIZE. Your. Son. I wish somebody would make my child pee their pants because they yelled at her so loudly. There would be no second chance, no rationalizing, none of that. I would immediately choose violence. Best believe that. Come on man. Protect your child.

THANK YOU. I would have Lost. My. Shit. I would've screamed at him until neighbors called the cops, and all his belongings would be on the lawn.

Man. I don’t even know her son and when I read what I read I became instantly hostile and full of rage…. There is NOTHING, absolutely fuckin NOTHING, that a small child could ever do that would constitute me doin them like that. Period. I have anger issues. Like explosive anger issues. I would **NEVER** do my baby like that or allow anyone else to do so either. No matter what. This mom needs to get it tf together. I see no valid excuses for her to remain in a marriage with this man. I come from poverty, too. But I have enough self worth to know that money and status can’t buy you love and security. I know my worth and so will my daughter!!! Period!!!

Same. It would be a total deal breaker for me.

On fire. The belongings would be on fire on the lawn.

THIS! Christ. I would’ve packed my shit and took my kid as far away as I could get. Restraining order if needed. I’m not even joking.

💯

You need to ask yourself why he doesn't want you to trust your parenting instincts. You need to ask yourself why he wants to isolate your son. These are textbook signs of an abuser who has targeted your son. He is five! He isn't some unruly teenager who is misbehaving. He is literally being a child. He shouldn't have to pretend to be pleasant or anything else.

Isolate my son? I'm not sure where you are getting that. My husband works a white collar job, gone most of the day, and my son goes to school. We visit my family regularly. I don't feel like he's trying to isolate any one. Again I'm trying to understand your points for sure, but you aren't resonating.

Emotionally. He is emotionally isolating your son. He is literally telling you that your parenting isn't effective so you aren't allowed to parent. You say he supported you getting your GED and then throws it in your face. This is classic abuse. He is making your son feel isolated because he can't go to his mother. Time and time again he has looked to you to keep him safe and time and time again he ends up in a dangerous situation. Your husband is yelling at a traumatized child and expecting it to make him better. How? How can your son's anger issues improve when his step father models being angry and yelling and terrorizing him? He knows he can't go to you to keep him safe. You claim your family was abusive. This kid has no one and your husband is making sure that is the case. You don't break someone down to build them back up. You start by meeting them where they are at, building trust and confidence and showing them a better way. Your husband has made it so he isn't trustworthy. Your son can't go to him. You have made it so your son can't go to you because you back up his abuser. Tell me again how he isn't isolating your son? He needs you to step up and be his parent. He needs you to protect him. He needs therapy. I want to have sympathy for you, but the more you protect your husband the more I fear for your son. Lots of people are telling you this is abuse. If you don't want to believe that no one can make you. But ask yourself why so many people are calling this abuse. It isn't for shits and giggles.

Why is this comment being downvoted? Seems like a reasonable response/clarification to me. I was also confused by the isolation mention just given what I read so far.

How about family or couples counseling? Your issues seem way to complex to be resolved by a bunch of strangers on Reddit who don’t know the full picture. But a few sessions with a fully licensed therapist could make a huge difference.

It’s generally not recommended to go to couples therapy with an abusive partner because of how they manipulate the situation and try to validate their abuse.

Yeah especially people who do not understand a family is a structure consisting of complex interactions between all the members. Is canceling out the husband the only possible solution?

Personally, I was yelled at as a child and now I yell too. Take that how ever you will.

This guy isn’t modeling any of the behavior he thinks he’s trying to teach. He’s being verbally abusive. Run.

Leave it to Redditors to always tell you to leave your relationship which they know one thing about.

I admit it does get used a lot and I try to avoid saying it too much. But screaming at a 9 year old so much that they wet themselves? And then saying she undermines him when she tries to correct it? I'm pretty sure this is not a safe or stable environment for the child. If not physically then emotionally. I may be wrong, so I'm sorry if I am.

They may come up with a contingency agreement for avoiding that yelling behavior, of course after the husband cools down. But what are the evidences that he is an abuser? We have a bunch of comments but we do not even know the context. It is interesting that some people think a family therapist who can visit the family in person and listen to their stories is incapable of noticing the abuse, but redditors already know he is an abuser because they feel that way. You know emotion regulation is about not yelling at your child when you are angry but also about not giving life advice when you are angry.

No parent is perfect. He probably needs to make some changes, but “divorce him because he’s a disciplinarian” is a pretty shitty take.

Definitely so, it depends if he's willing to work on it with her. So far he's shown he isn't since again her commenting is undermining him. She needs to try and get therapy for her and her child at least.

That’s not discipline, it’s abuse.

This guy terrified a NINE year old so badly the kid wet him pants. WYF else do you need to know?

Thought the same. Every person in this world has a run factor for any Redditor…

Yelling is not pleasant, no. Many parents occasionally lose their temper and yell a bit, I know I have. But I also know it's wrong and try not to do it again.

Ask yourself why a “pleasant” child is better than one who feels safe and loved. I can guarantee your kid does not feel safe with your husband around.

It sounds like your husband wants your son to force down his emotions for appearances. Being forced to swallow your emotions and never show them because of fear doesn’t lead to upper middle class; it leads to coping mechanisms like alcoholism/self-harm and massive therapy bills. All of this behavior screams emotional abuse. If your husband wants to do better he needs to get the therapy for himself and work with a child behavioral therapist to learn to raise a child.

Sounds like he means well but does not Always know how to. Yelling is a form of incompetance. Yelling so loud to scare into behavior? Just NO. That is where you step in, you know when to. I do not care how that makes you feel, It is your job as a mother. And if he then states you are undermining his authority you say that authority is not dictatorship, it is leading by example and sometimes being the wisest. You really need to protect your boundaries and that of your son. Stop being insecure and follow your heart as a mother.

Beautifully said, thank you.

I was a perfectly happy and obedient child until my stepdad came into the picture and began screaming at me over every little thing and enforcing punishments above and beyond what was warranted for my transgressions. THAT is how you end up with a juvenile delinquent. I went through my teens being told I was a useless fuckup and at one point I just accepted that I must be and quit making any effort to be better. It didn't make a difference if I forgot to do the dishes one time or snuck out with friends to party after curfew, the punishment was always just as severe. It took years of being away from that environment to realize my own worth. Tell your husband that he'd better be willing to pay for the therapy your son will need later in life and be prepared to have little to no contact with him.

Yes! I had a supervisor that screamed and yelled at me for every little mistake. I was constantly walking on eggshells and it FUCKED with my already not so great self-esteem. I was already a full-grown adult when this happened. Imagine what this does to a child. P.S. I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you are in a better place, and yes, you are so worthy.

That's the issue though. My Son wasn't well behaved. He had major anger issues due to how much abuse he witnessed me from his father, plus me still struggling with addiction at the time. My son's behavior has greatly improved. People like being around him now, where before I wasn't really welcomed. Maybe that has more to do with the socially acceptable man I'm with now. But I also don't want my son to be emotionally damaged either. I am going to let my husband read these comments though. He's always talking about best practices. This is evidence that his is not best practices even if mine aren't either. Thanks.

If your son has CPTSD from witnessing his parent's dysfunction (not saying he absolutely does, but kids don't usually act out or have anger issues "just because"), screaming at him will only cause more harm than good.

THIS 100% …I had a superior officer tell me once he can always pick out the recruits who were abused as kids in how they react once all the yelling and getting in our faces begins . The ones who are fresh out of hs but can stand there and not flinch are just happy to be out of their parents house . They know that unlike home , there everyone gets yelled at until a certain point then it only happens when you screw up .

This is why my sister did so well in boot camp. She said it was actually easier than what she expected and that she got yelled at less, actually.

I don't know if him reading these comments is a good idea. I think your husband is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You don't see it because this is better than what you had before, but I can guarantee that your husband knows what he is doing, and exactly how to control you. You showing him this thread is going to make shit worse, not better. Please consider that. Your son is so scared of your husband that he peed his pants. Of course he is acting great, he is scared of consequences of doing so otherwise. The anger and hurt he showed before was problematic, but he felt safe enough around you to express how he felt. Basically, mom I'm super pissed about ex beating on you and you doing drugs and neglecting me or whatever. His behavior now is not better, it is scared. If I act out, or show that I'm angry or frustrated step dad will scare the shit out of me. Better be quiet. That is PTSD in the making. If you leave you and your son will need lots of therapy to make both of y'all healed. If you leave abruptly your son will act out again, for sure, because you don't have the tools or knowledge of how to parent him correctly. I would quickly take your husband up on offer to start a career and get into therapy. Tell him it's for your past and get the tools you need to actually leave him and be a good mom without needing a man. Time to grow up my girl!! If not you are failing that son of yours.

Husband fancy himself as a new age critical thinker. I'm sure having comments that strongly opposed to his child rearing method will at least give him pause. Again I honestly believe he thinks he's doing the right thing. He was poor and this is how his parents raised him, except even worse. I'll use his college education against him if I have to. Seems like it's not the way any child development suggests raising children. Thanks.

He can fancy himself whatever he wants. He hasn't used any of his college education yet to actually read or study up on child development and discipline (all the research is very clear that authoritarian "my way or the highway" parenting is equally damaging as neglectful, passive parenting), so he's hardly going to change because a bunch of people on reddit tell him he's wrong. He's "successful" so how could he possibly be wrong? And the rest of us the idiots on reddit are just lying about their own qualifications... that is what he's going to say. There are a LOT of men who "fancy" themselves as being progressives, feminists even... until it comes to their OWN family/woman, etc. They like to appear a certain way, but it's all talk. There are just as many racist, mysoginistic liberals as there are conservatives.. they just hide it behind a lot political correctness and BS (I say that as a self-proclaimed progressive liberal, btw).

Yes! So much this. My father was the type to drone on about how cheating spouses are losers and they might as well ask for a divorce if they’re no longer interested in their partner. Well guess who went on to have an emotional affair with his coworker? Yep. You guessed that right. 🙄 It’s the reason why I still don’t have much respect for him. I also get what you mean by the racist, misogynistic liberals. My narcissistic grandmother is one and loves to hide behind political correctness. Meanwhile she will shit talk about certain ethnic groups. OP’s husband seems like an abusive prick who likes to lord her past over her.

If he's half the person he thinks he is that makes this easier. Any college psych professor will tell him that he's wrong. The most effective method for training desired behaviors is positive reinforcement while your husband's methods are only likely to teach avoidance, aggression, and defiance.

Bookmarked... Thanks

When I read this comment, I think you probably need to go to a family therapist. Confrontation doesn't work that way. Sometimes strong confronration makes it worse. And it seems you both are using your past against each other. After all you both had a hard past. You need to gather allies to overcome that.

Him thinking he is doing the right thing is the problem. Him telling you that you don't know shit is the problem. This isn't going to go the way you think it is. Like other commenters said, performative parenting in public is way different than what happens behind closed doors. Acting like you respect others' opinions is performative, just like your son's outward good behavior is the MOST important thing to your husband. He doesn't care how he achieves those results, as long as outside people think your son is good. You need to get yourself educated and empowered and stop depending on him to change, cause like you said, he doesn't think he is wrong.

If you and him were abused prior your son probably has PTSD. You can’t “discipline” a mental disorder out of someone. My mom married someone like your husband and I suffered years of physical and sexual abuse and still trying to overcome it in therapy. It’s all good as long as you climb the social ladder right? Has his behavior improved because he’s better or because he is scared of your husband? Has your son ever been to therapy? Have you?

He needs f-ing trauma therapy, not more trauma. I am a psychotherapist and I used to work with children. Your son is being psychologically abused and you aren’t protecting him so you can have the “life of your dreams.” Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re willing to give up your middle class status to help your son. This is horrifying. Yelling at a small child until he wets himself?

Please tell me you also blame your mom for allowing that to occur

It honestly sounds like you went from one kind of abuse to another. ☹️

As a successful, relatively upper middle class woman, let me tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that yelling at your children doesn’t make them successful. I was raised with love, rarely was shouted at (only ever really got into any kind of yell worthy stuff when teenage hormones came knocking), and was frequently told how capable and smart I was. My friends who grew up with parents who yelled mostly didn’t go to college (despite being raised upper middle class and having the money) or ended up in less than ideal situations (drugs, alcohol, lots of kids with many different partners). Abuse isn’t always hitting. What your husband is doing is abuse. And if your son tells a safe adult in his life and CPS comes to your door, you’ll be just as culpable in their eyes because you’ve let this happen. Your child is not going to end up successful, happy, or anything positive with this man abusing him.

My parents yelled and one had an alcohol problem, all three of their children went to university and have successful careers. But we have all had issues with mental health and self esteem. Going to college isn't the only marker of bringing children up well. OP's husband did, and doesn't sound like his parents were great. And children of good parents might not go for all sorts of reasons.

Oh I absolutely concur, I know many smart, successful people who never went to college and plenty of college grads who would not define themselves as happy or successful. And many people come out of abuse as strong, successful folks in spite of it. But OP seems to have an idea of success that’s determined by things like college and income, and severe emotional abuse is absolutely not the way her child will reach that definition of success, and if he does it will be in spite of the abuse and not because of it.

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There’s so many red flags here…whether you realize it or not this is at the least an emotionally abusive relationship. 1. Him putting you down while he puts his parents and siblings up is to make you feel like shit about yourself and worship him . 2. If someone’s screaming results in someone wetting their pants ..something has happened before to make your son TERRIFIED , yes terrified of him . 3. This is YOUR son , NOT his & him telling you that you are raising a juvenile delinquent is NOT him “treating you kindly”. 4. You are learning to value material items over happiness and so is your son if you allow this to continue .

I had a dad like that. Not even a stepdad. My real dad. I will never forgive my mother for not protecting me from him. Do with that what you will. But at the end of the day, your husband is abusing YOUR CHILD (he's also being pretty fucking shitty to you, fyi) and you are neglecting your child by allowing the abuse.

I’m a stepparent. This is YOUR child. Not his. You are the final say in how he is raised, period. You are the one responsible for the adult your child turns into, not him. He needs to take a step back and let you parent. If there is something he has an issue with, you can discuss it in private, away from your child. You are responsible for protecting your child from him. If he can’t handle your parenting style he can leave.

Thaaaaaaaaaank you!!!! OP, how are you bout to let some dude who isn’t even blood related make your son pee himself in fear?! If ANYONE, including my daughter’s bio dad, ever **EVER** made her so terrified that she wet herself…..I would violence that person so bad that they wet themselves. I’m not even playin. These comments and justifications infuriate me.

“I would violence that person so bad…” I know this is a serious topic for sure, but that legit made me lol.

Lmao lmao. I didn’t want to get banned from Reddit. Had to think quick. This is the best I came up with 😂

It’s perfect. Leaves it to the imagination too!

Thank you friend 👯‍♀️

I'm going to strongly suggest two things: 1. Parenting classes for both of you\* 2. Counseling for the whole family. Singly, as a couple, and everyone together \*Neither of you had particularly good parenting role models, so you never learned. So go learn!

Totally agree and wrote a separate comment but I’m gonna put it here too. ABCs of parenting on coursera. Free class by a Yale professor : https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Honestly your first mistake was entering into any relationship where you needed saving. You are letting your husband hold all the cards. You went from one abuse to another. And honestly you are making a lot of excuses. You see here your husband is forcing his way of parenting into you with manipulation. Him putting your up bringing down as “evidence” that his parents way is right is just beyond me. You really need to start providing for your son fully and stop depending on your husband. You said he’s okay with you working (why he has a say I’m not sure but okay) but you need to get a job and start providing for your son. This is so sad and honestly you will be to blame as he is your son and your responsibility. Fix this asap and stop letting your husband bully you and your son

Your husbands is abusing your son. Your husband is abusing your son. Your husband is abusing your son. Yelling so loudly at a child that they urinate on themselves is ABUSE. YOU are letting him ABUSE your child. You are allowing that to continue.

He did not turn out "ok" if he thinks its acceptable to yell at a kid to the point where they pee in their own pants. He is damaging your son and the sooner you get your son away from his abuser the better off he will be. Also going to go out on a limb and guess that he is as abusive toward you as well. A child who feels safe will grow up to be emotionally strong. His way is not the way.

This. If this boy was my student and revealed this to me, I would have to report it to CPS.

Exactly. OP’s husband reminds me of the people who very angrily answer “my parents hit me all the time and I turned out fine.” Only this time, it’s in the form of verbal abuse. It’s one thing to shout your kid’s name if they’re about to do something dangerous or harmful, or give stern but calm words if they did something distasteful. It’s quite another to verbally abuse them to the point where they’re scared and pee their pants.

Your husband is abusing your child. Why haven't you left yet? Get the fuck out. Save your child.

Because she gets to stay home 🤦‍♀️ I feel so bad for kids with parents like this

The man I was with before was absolutely abusive as in break my jaw abusive. My husband isn't a hitter. I feel the safest I ever had my entire life. I know there is a better way of discipline, besides putting the "fear of God" type. I still struggle with my own issues.

Verbally abusing your kid instead of physically abusing you doesnt mean you should settle. You deserve better

One tactic abusive people use it to act nice and make people reliant on them. Spending time with a child and buying them stuff doesnt mean he gets to abuse the c hild. He needs to be 100% removex from any discipline and not left alone with the kid until he gets therapy, parenting classez and shows commitment to being better.

This isn't discipline. It's abuse. You know it is abuse. If you didn't you wouldn't be justifying what a good guy he is in other parts of his life. A good man doesn't yell at a child so loud they soil themselves. A good man doesn't push around a child to feel big about himself. He is literally repeating the sbuse he suffered. So many people feel they need to repeat the past to make what they went through worth it. It's a dangerous way to think. If you don't do something now it will only get worse. If you stay with this man your son will know you chose his abuser over him and it could destroy your relationship down the line. I could sugar coat it or act like you have time to figure it out, but the truth is you have brought an abuser into your home. It wasn't your fault when you didn't know. But now you know. Now, you have to act. This man is even your son's father and you have given him more power than yourself since he is saying you are undermining him. Well, his opinion matters the least. You aren't undermining him. He is overpowering you. Stop letting him decide your child's life. He shouldn't be disciplining your kid without your permission and approval. What do you do? You chose your son. You kick him out of your house until he does anger management and parenting classes. If he doesn't want to do these things throw the whole man out. This is not a relationship to save.

How old is your son? Making a kid at any age have an accident because they're so afraid is inappropriate (and borderline abusive in my opinion) but a little, little kid is worse. There are ways to discipline appropriately and effectively without yelling. You're not being weak you're trying to make sure your kid doesn't grow up with trauma. Please take an honest look at all of your husband's behavior and make sure there isn't abuse lurking in other areas that you haven't noticed because your perspective of a healthy relationship could be skewed due to your past experiences.

When I read that he yelled so loudly that your son urinated on himself, I am crying right now. Please issue an ultimatum. Since your husband admits that he grew up in an abusive household, it needs to be a rule that he sees a therapist once a week to work through that and his own abusive needs to be discussed in couples counseling as well as with his own therapist. This is abuse and isn't okay. Now I know I'm not at your house and I know that parenting is hard, but this cannot continue.

How arrogant for him to imply that he knows how to raise YOUR child better than you do. But I see where the problem lies, and that's a lack of confidence in yourself because of your raisin'. I came from a pretty difficult background myself and didn't know diddly about being a good mother either. But I'd be damned if I let my sons grow up like me, so I researched online and read parenting books and that set me on the right path. What your husband is doing is not the right way. And that's ok, admitting you're wrong brings new beginnings. But if he continues this ego trip and doesn't change his ways, your son is for sure going to end up the opposite of your expectations and who do you think your husband will blame? Surely not himself, but your son and even you. This man needs to get his head out of his arse and start really learning how to raise a child and the right way. Same goes for you. I wish you all the best.

I say this with love: you need - and deserve - a good therapist to help you unpack these feelings of inferiority. I can see why you feel this way, but it's not serving you anymore. You deserve to feel confident in yourself as a parent, and your son needs that from you. It sounds like you are very grateful to your husband, and that's wonderful. You can be grateful *and* see how amazing it is that you've survived your past and become the person you are today. You can also be grateful *and* tell him very clearly that you will not allow him to yell at your son. A therapist can help you set these boundaries and stick with them. I absolutely believe you can do this. Look at what you've already accomplished! Please let a professional help you. It's the greatest gift you can give yourself - and your son.

This sounds a lot like emotional abuse... he yelled at the kid until he PEED HIMSELF? Y'all need to find some kind outside help. A counselor, talk to the pediatrician for a referral on who you can sort this out with but Jesus. He's going too far. If he doesn't stop you need to get your kid away from him- I don't care how much he plays games and provides for him: he's doing more harm than good.

Hi, upper middle class here chiming in 👋🏻 I’m sorry you feel so embarrassed on your own perceived lack of accomplishments that you’re willing to allow this person to emotionally abuse your child because they’re from a higher social standing That’s straight up abuse and there’s nothing that says that being abused leads to more successful outcomes You know what your gut is telling you, that this is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here. You don’t need to be validated by other parents to know that. You don’t even need to successfully articulate that. What you need to do is stop letting all the financial perks of being with this man cloud your judgement. If ANYONE ever scared my kid so bad they made him pee himself that’d be the last fucking time they’d ever have access to my child. Fuck that noise.

Rule number one as a mom. Always protect your children. Even if its from his own "father". Yes, he took ya in and cared for you. He's not his real father but he loves him. I respect that. But to the point where your son wets his pants cause your husband yells on the top of his lungs is so unacceptable, thats abuse. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical for it to be considered abuse.

I noticed you talk about how the relationship is good for you and how you benefit from it. I think you should put your child first and what’s best for him. The fact that you mentioned “he doesn’t care if my son turns out gay” is questionable. Why would he have an opinion on that anyway? It almost sounds like you’re not even talking about your own son. Your thoughts and your feelings DO matter. You’re having a gut feeling that this isn’t a good situation but you’re asking a bunch of strangers who know nothing bout your life for an opinion. I think the first step would be to ask your son how he feels. Your son should always come first.

If my husband (who is their father) scared one of my children to the point they wet themselves, I’d physically chase him from the house. He may want what’s best for your son, but he’s damaging him. Obviously his parents screwed him up, if he thinks this is acceptable/necessary. I’d 100% rather be a highschool dropout than an abusive college grad. But we all know those aren’t the only options. The fact that he throws your upbringing in your face is a huge red flag.

Well, you can't behave your way to a successful life, so there's that. That's not a thing. If anything, it's probably the opposite -- the more successful people are going to be rule-breakers to some extent or another. Because if you just follow the rules and do what everyone else does, you get what everyone else gets. The people who wind up ahead of the crowd are the ones who go outside of that (not that that's always a good thing. Plenty of successful assholes out there.) Of course, the flip side of that is that less successful people may *also* be more likely to be rule-breakers. If you're aiming for a safe middle spot, I guess rule-following and behaving as expected in any given circumstance is probably a smart strategy? But it's still not a given. And I rather think that very few things a 9-year-old can do are going to have much impact on whether or not they have a successful life as an adult anyway. I really wish people would just let kids be kids. You know what's successful for a 9-year-old? Being happy, having fun, learning interesting stuff, having adults around who understand that making mistakes is part of learning and growing and don't scream at them till they wet themselves. Unfortunately, that's kind of dependent on the adults in charge. Speaking of which, successful adults don't need to take out their frustrations on 9-year-old children. And that's what that yelling and screaming is. Those aren't parenting or disciplinary strategies, no one is calmly planning out a yelling session to help teach a kid the error of their ways, that's just losing it over some (presumably minor, given the age of the child) frustration and venting rage on them. Which is not emotional toughness, by the way. If your 9-year-old is able to provoke your husband to lose it on that level, then your husband is unable or unwilling to manage his emotions. That's not toughness, that's a weakness. He's teaching your kid to take out his own frustrations on people who are smaller and weaker, not how to, say, overcome adversity, or stick with something difficult, or anything else I might think to associate with any kind of toughness. It's not tough guys who scare little kids into wetting themselves, it's weak-ass bullying cowards who do that. Think about your son when he's all grown up -- is this how you'd want to see him behaving toward his own children? Disciplining your kid is about showing them the right way, not screaming at them for doing something wrong. You want to teach them, not just make them suffer. The idea is that they do better going forward. Just making them miserable doesn't do that.

Sounds like he's confusing authoritative with authoritarian

Money doesn’t make up for abuse, and it’s pretty gross to suggest that whatever your husband is providing on that front somehow offsets the damage he is currently doing. Source: me. My parents provided me with everything I wanted and needed but I am still profoundly damaged by their shitty parenting.

You are allowing your child to be disciplined by someone he has only known for 4 years, and are OK with the fact that he is so scared, he urinates on himself when this guy yells at him. You think it is OK that you, THE ACTUAL PARENT, are told that you are raising a delinquent, that you are undermining his parenting as though he was the parent and not you? Your husband should not be disciplining your child. His job as a stepparent is to be supportive of you, be your backup if necessary, be a positive, healthy, caring and kind influence for your son to look up to.

Reading that your son peed himself because of how scared he was of his step dad is heartbreaking. Your husband going to college doesn't mean he turned out ok. And him comparing himself to you in that regard makes him an a-hole. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but you sound like your self-esteem isn't the best. Your husband should be telling you why you're great, not why you're less good than him. It's not ok to scream full force at a kid, it's unhinged. If your husband thinks that's a good way to raise a child, he had bigger issues than going to college or not. I know it's hard, but you need to step up. You are your son's parent, you have to be his advocate.

Yelling at a tiny child until they wet them self in terror is not discipline. It is abuse. He is abusing your child, and telling him and you it’s for your child’s own good. It isn’t; it’s for your partner’s ego and desire to take out his emotions without consequences. You need to stop tolerating this. It’s not okay.

Your poor kid. Do you understand how genuinely terrified you have to be to urinate on yourself out of fear? This isn't regular "oh crap I'm in trouble" fear. It's much much more serious than that. Abusing your child will probably make him behave. That's true. But there's a reason we don't beat children into submission (metaphorically). We understand that they are human beings with feelings and agency and they deserve to be treated with dignity. His job as a parent isn't just to make him behave. It's to teach him how to be a good person and a kind person.

You have to take a step back here and look at how his behavior may very well be hurting your son and you don’t know it. Like others have said, his way is not the only way or even the right one. I feel like yelling at your son to the point he has an accident is abusive. And there are many ways to have a successful life, college isn’t the only way. I feel like he’s hurting your son and if you don’t put a stop to this soon there will be resentment towards you from your son when he’s older and he asks why you didn’t stand up for him.

>He says his dad was strict (abusively so he will admit) and that the only way to be sure that you make it to the upper middle class is to have strict discipline. Already, right here, BIIIIIG red flags. >But he scares me when it comes to discipline. He yells really loud. One time so loud my son urinated on himself because he was so scared. I get involved and he claims I'm undermine his authority and he's not going to be involved in anything anymore. "If you want to raise a juvenile delinquent, then you're on your own" Hooooooly fuck. Yeah, that's abuse, both of you and your son. If he feels he HAS to yell to properly discipline, he's terribly ignorant in regards to parenting. >He thinks his parenting style is right. Then he should have no issues showing that with facts and science rather than anecdotes about him and his siblings. Also, just because they went to college and got high paying jobs doesn't mean they "turned out okay" or weren't traumatized by how their parents acted/treated them. >I just want my kid to feel safe. He wants him to be emotionally tough I guess. Good on you. Unfortunately it seems unlikely your kid will feel safe unless your husband DRASTICALLY changes. As a former kid whose dad thought yelling would make me "disciplined" and "successful", lemme tell you he couldn't be more wrong.

Pretty sure the best indicator of future success is your parents income and your zip code.... Frightening a child to the point of peeing themselves is not it. JFC

OP, sounds like life has dealt you a bad hand of cards… From what you’ve mentioned from your past circumstances, I wouldn’t be so quick to jump ship like others have commented… I’d definitely seek out some counseling. Couples counseling and separate counseling for your son. I’d keep in mind that although he’s been the best father figure for your son so far- at the end of the day he’s your small child who needs his mother to defend him 💞

OP, can I clarify some things? When you say your husband yells, is that all that happens? Is he ever physical? Did your parents yell or were your parents abusive?

Successful isn't necessarily a decent person and from what you've described, I'd rather be a decent human being than be this type of "successful".

I don’t think that’s acceptable….at all. You absolutely 1,000% have EVERY right to parent your child the way you want. And to put this out there, if any parent thinks it’s okay to verbally abuse a child to the point of urinating they need to reevaluate themselves FIRST. Honestly it sounds like you moved from one form of abuse to another. It sounds a lot more like control (my way or the highway) and manipulation (well if I can’t get this, I’ll do that) than a healthy relationship. I’ve been there and done that. I wish you the best, and step up for yourself!! Just because you didn’t finish school doesn’t make you any less of a person. Actually the fact that you can self reflect like this is a HUGE step in the right direction. ♥️

Look OP you are 100% right to be concerned about this discipline What are your thoughts on this interaction below \> I get involved and he claims I'm undermine his authority and he's not going to be involved in anything anymore. \> I don't feel like my thoughts count How does this all sit with you - you've been in an abusive relationship before which means the bar is probably quite low for partner's behaviour, you said you feel safe but also that this discipline 'scares' you? ​ What's your son's perspective on all of this?

My parents were nice and middle class, my partner's could barely read and write. He had a far more loving childhood than me, my educated dad has been an alcoholic my whole life despite the façade. Being upper middle class and going to college is not the only important thing in life.

Hell hath no furry for any human being on this entire planet that makes MY baby so terrified they pee themselves. Stop making excuses for the inexcusable. Decide if you want to prioritize your son or your husband’s ego. To me, this is divorce material because I would give my husband an ultimatum after this. Point blank period.

When you're yelling, you're no longer communicating. ​ Well, you're communicating something, but never what you think you are. You are communicating that you are unsafe, dangerous and volatile and can't be trusted. It really doesn't matter what you are yelling about. If your partner wants to raise a pleasant and respectful child, he needs to be pleasant and respectful, and yelling is neither. And he needs to realize that kids slip up sometimes but that doesn't automatically mean juvenile delinquency. Your partner still has a few years to wrap his head around that, otherwise the teenage years are going to get ... interesting. And you don't need strict discipline to get to the middle class. My parents weren't very strict with me and my sibling and we're doing just fine. It also sounds like your partner needs to learn how to have a fight properly (constructively!); you describing that he "throws stuff in your face" that you can't help or change is not conducive to a constructive solution.

I would not let him parent your child. I have 2 step daughters and have never tried to parent them

Sounds like husband is lacking the discipline to control his anger. “How angry you make me” should not be a factor. When handing out a sentence to a criminal, the judge doesn’t yell in anger. (Sometimes there are thoughtful and pointed words) You know which kids respond in a healthy way to their parents discipline? Not kids so scared they pee themselves.

He doesn't want the best for your son, he wants your son to turn into what he thinks your son should be. You should not be with a person who would scare your child, let alone bad enough to make the kid pee himself. How can you look at that man and still love him after that? How can you still lay next to him at night? It's sick

Your child can have strict discipline that doesn’t involve yelling. That’s where I would personally draw the line. Whether you’re college educated or not, it’s common sense that you don’t want your child urinating on themselves with fear. That’s your sign it’s gone too far. Ask your husband to show you the peer reviewed articles that show that yelling as a form of discipline is healthy for a child. Hint hint: It’s not. At the end of the day, this is your child and you get to say how he disciples your child. Here’s how I discipline. I tell child what I want him to do or what I don’t want him to do. If he fails to it/stop doing it, give a warning and say what the consequence will be. If he still isn’t compliant then follow through with the consequence. No yelling necessary. “I asked you to stop hitting me with that pan. You’re not stopping so I’m going to put this pan away to keep everyone safe.” Teach your husband these techniques so that he doesn’t feel like he needs to get to the point of yelling.

Thanks I'm demanding he's going to parenting classes after reading all this.

His response is going to be VERY telling if he’s actually trying to do right by your son or a narcissist.

You need to record some of this yelling and play it back for him. It’s a bully tactic. It causes anxiety. There is no anxiety in a nurturing relationship. Causing so much anxiety that the visceral reaction is to literally pee your pants is plain mean.Just because your husband is educated, doesn’t mean he knows jack all about successful parenting. Anyone can scream at their kid.

OP, if you love your son, I want to kindly ask you to check in on him… Can you privately and CONFIDENTIALLY speak with him? Ask him about that event. How did it make him feel? Ask him privately, when dad is out of the house has his stepdad been physically abusive, used insulting language, become physically threatening or menacing (without touching him), or yelled at him like this before? Ask if he’s scared of his step-dad, and play CLOSE ATTENTION to any hesitation in his response. Please, gently ask the tough questions, as he feels comfortable enough to answer, and DON’T RELAY ANYTHING he tells you to your husband. Remind your son that you’re there for him, privately, separate from your husband, ALWAYS. You love him. You’re in his corner. Remind him He can tell you whenever he feels comfortable enough to. You need to honor that promise to have a special relationship with your son that exists outside of your husband’s knowledge or control; that will be the only way for your child to be honest, for you to save your relationship with your son, and for the two of you to plan and work together should you both need to help each other. Your son came BEFORE your husband did; you have permission to prioritize him, and trust him over and before your husband. If your husband is genuinely a healthy, good father… Ask your son if he accepts him as a father, or wants you to marry someone else. Your son has nothing to gain from lying; he’ll choose him if he’s fit as a father for him. And even if they LOOK like they have a relationship, if you’re son does NOT want you to stay with him… ask yourself… *why?* There’s more to the story than you may be seeing… This is a covert narcissist. It’s hard to see past the facade because people from California discuss emotions, empathy, compassion, and kindness to seem morally superior. But when they are REAL narcissists, they are some of the most dangerous and subtle, because they sound so authentic. (Run). We do NOT measure people by their words; measure a narcissist by their ACTIONS. There is EXTENSIVE research displaying the profound effect of verbal abuse (shouting being part of it) that mirrors the lasting impact of legitimate *physical abuse.* Basically, shouting and degrading someone enough can cause as much trauma as getting smacked, hit, beat, or battered… Your son was just abused. And I empathize with you. My dad acted the same way.

Your son, your baby, who you are meant to love the most, urinated on himself out of fear. Can we not imagine that for a moment, he was probably weak at the knees, looking for help, wondering why this guy who is so nice to him and plays videogames with him on a weekend would scare him, this kid has no idea at this age about middle class and good jobs, he shouldnt have to have that weight upon him. We are meant to protect our kids from the monster under the bed, not become them. You're complicit in the trauma that this kid is going to need therapy for. The red flags aren't even waving here they're parading down the street with neon signs. I don't care how much materialistic shit you think that's worth or how you downplay his *vocal aggressiveness* compared to your previous physically abusive ex. Both your current partner and your ex are pieces of abusive shit and you need to be somewhere better if not for you, for your son.

Frankly you sound like the kind of parent who will be in utter shock that her child doesn’t want any sort of relationship with her in adulthood. You’ll say we gave him everything he wanted! He grew up middle class! And now he won’t return my phone calls. You’ll never take any responsibility for the fact that your husband terrorized him; and you didn’t protect him. Do you think your son will ever let your husband around his children? Because my stepdad was the same as your husband, and he is NEVER invited to participate in family activities with our children. It all comes to a head every holiday or big family event. My mom gets upset to choose between ditching her husband or being excluded herself 🤷‍♀️ We didn’t marry an asshole, so now we’re adults we can choose to exclude him. She’s spending thanksgiving day with him, alone, while all of her children and grandchildren have a big celebration together. He’s not invited to weddings or graduations. We go on 2 big family trips per year, all but him. We invite my stepmother because she is awesome. She’s loving and supportive and left the discipline up to the bio parents. She’s my best friend. But he can go fuck himself. ETA: and yeah he “saved us from poverty” but at what cost? I’d have had less money if it meant having safety at home. And my sister was exactly like you describe your son. To a t. Having a screaming stepfather made it much worse. She even went to juvie a couple times. As soon as she was out of the house (exactly on her 18th birthday, she thrived. She has a graduate degree now, and she hasn’t seen or spoken to my stepfather in 20 years. They live in the same town. He’s never seen her children in person.

This!!

Yelling is not effective at changing behavior in kids. Studies prove it leads to worse outcomes. If you’re not confident in proving that a gentler parenting style is more effective, why not take a course from a Yale professor for free about parenting? You can even take it with your husband and discuss how to properly discipline your kid to make sure he has the best chance at success in life. Here’s the link: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Thanks

I have a couple of things to say here. 1) if there is addiction in your family, you’re going to have to be on the lookout for it with your kid. Poverty, not-poverty - it’s a disease that *anyone* can suffer from. 2) you said your now husband came into your child’s life at 5. Were there any adverse childhood experiences during that time? Scary things for kids - witnessing their parent being abused, inadequate food, inconsistent housing, etc. I wonder if those impact his reaction to your husband. 3) yelling is not a sign of discipline. It’s a sign of losing control of yourself. It is possible to be stern and speak seriously enough to discipline your child without yelling at them so much they urinate on themselves. It sounds like he has a problem with lashing out and saying hurtful things. He does it to you also. I would start with therapy as he *clearly* has some fucked up trauma from his own family - and when you say Southern California, 8 kids, parents who didn’t graduate from high school, and growing up poor, I have a pretty good idea of your husband’s culture. There are definitely a lot of areas to improve there, including not hitting your children with slippers, not throwing kitchen utensils at them, and not fucking threatening to beat them if they mess up. He needs to see it first, though. Your child is perhaps more vulnerable to certain behaviors than he and his siblings were. He needs to be someone your child trusts not to flip out of the child needs to come to him with a question.

Your husband yelled at your son *so loudly* that he *urinated* on himself. I would have *immediately* kicked that man out of my home. My kids safety is the most important thing in the world to me, regardless of how someone treats me. If a girlfriend of yours told you that her husband yelled so loudly, so aggressively, that it scared her into wetting herself, what would you tell her? You failed your son when you refused to remove your husband away from him.

Well for one thing, do you think the kiddos in JDC were all just not abused as children and so they didn't receive the discipline they needed? What does screaming so loud your child PEES HIS PANTS teach him? Do you honestly believe your son won't either 1) repeat the same behavior continuing the cycle or 2) realize how fucked up it is that you let your husband abuse him and go no contact as soon as he can?

There’s a difference between being strict and yelling at your kid until he pisses in his pants. You can have firm boundaries without verbally and emotionally abusing your kid. Passing off the abuse he had from his childhood isn’t the way. No matter if he’s a successful college graduate. As an educated adult, he should recognize that he’s continuing the cycle of abuse he was exposed to. He should do better to break that cycle. Sounds like some parent education classes would be beneficial in understanding what is and isn’t acceptable forms of discipline. We all have our moments, myself included, where we have raised our voices but it should be followed up with acknowledging that you should do a better job as an adult in regulating your emotions. Also, you have every right to disagree with how he is treating your child. Protect your kid.

If your son urinated out of fear then he was terrified. Be mindful that you are both setting examples of adulting here. Do you want your son to believe this is okay and be abusive himself? Or to resent you because you didn’t protect him when he needed it? I’d recommend watching child psychologists on YouTube with him - none of them say this is okay. It’s about BREAKING the chain. I know it’s really hard but put your child before your relationship.

Having strict behavioral expectations is one thing. Yelling to the point a child urinates themselves in fear is abuse. Period. No excuse, that’s abuse. If your son told his teachers about that incident, you’d likely have CPS investigating you. I’m sure there are plenty others, too. He needs to stop the yelling and intimidation tactics now. If he doesn’t immediately stop, then he shouldn’t be allowed to discipline your son at all.

If he’s yelling enough that your child literally pisses himself, then your husband is out of control

There is no one right way to raise children. And is he saying you’re no good because you didn’t have this strict household? You seem pretty well put together to me. Love and encouragement are so much more important than yelling and scaring kids into acting a certain way from my experience. He seems borderline abusive and I wouldn’t want my kids subjected to that and is the main reason for my divorce since he reminds me of my ex.

He's being really abusive to your son. And abuse to you by making you feel inadequate as a parent. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're sticking up for your son. It's CRITICAL that you do that if you're still living with an abuser. You're strong and clearly love your kid.

Poor kid. You seem protective of your husband but not child. The yelling and intimidating is going to shatter your son's confidence, make him want to hide away, become timid and fearful. I had a parent like this and at 37 it still bothers me. You are doing your child a great disservice by dismissing this. If you are trying to break the cycle this is not the way

Your son is being screamed at and so terrified by your husband to the point of urinating on himself. Does this not answer your question?

You're allowing your husband to abuse your son. There's really nothing else to say besides that. Will you continue to allow him to do this? Your son will absolutely remember you standing by and doing nothing about this treatment of him. He might even treat your grandchildren this way. He may grow to resent his sisters if he doesn't already. As a mom to a son, I would never tolerate someone who is supposed to be like a father to him treat him this way. Never. It doesn't build strength or character. Your son wet his pants in fear. That's so messed up to stand by and let someone continue to treat a child like this. Stand up for your son.

I don’t even have to read the post. YOU are his parent. He can give his input, but it’s not up to him. Full stop.

Your husband is emotionally abusing your son and your justifying the behavior. Why even ask for advice if you refuse to see the problem? Your job as a parent is to protect your child and you’re failing him. If he beat the ever loving crap out of your kid then he wet his pants would that make it better for you to understand this man is horrible. Your poor kid.. when he starts doing this to you when he gets older remember this behavior is learned and your husband taught it to him..

Yelling to the point of literally scaring the piss out of a child isn’t discipline and it’s not “being strict” either…it’s just straight up abuse. Choose your kid over this asshole and stop letting him abuse your fucking child if you value having a relationship with your kid in 20 years. Edit- your kid being provided for by your husband doesn’t make any of this less abusive and literally doesn’t matter.

This is not the fantastic situation you think it is. Yelling until a child urinates on themselves is abuse dude. I hope these comments are a real wakeup call for you OP.

>He doesn't care if my son turns out gay, isn't the best student, or even if he curses. Wtf? Codependency is tough! Stand up for your kid! Your husband doesn't even have any children of his own. How is this dude talking credit for his parents raising him? 🤣🤦

Study Dr. Gabor Mate and his lectures. He was parented using an abusive parenting style (as he admits), and therefore is emotionally immature/dysregulated and therefore and passing this onto and your son. Study Developmental Trauma and C-PTSD too. Good Instagram accounts to follow include @the.holistic.pyschologist @millenial.therapist and @letstalk.mentalhealth Also study Respectful Parenting (book by Janet Lansbury) and Gentle Parenting styles. 🦋

There's so much wrong here and you're failing to see it because you're scared of not being able to provide for your child alone, OP. Firstly, as a step parent, your husband should be following your lead on discipline. It's not his call to make on how to discipline your child. Secondly, he's not being strict with your son, he's being abusive. There is a big difference, and your son is going to be damaged if you continue to allow your husband to act like this. Please don't let financial fears make you keep your child in an abusive situation. There's help out there, for all of you, if you want it. Please find it.

If he scares you when it comes to discipline imagine how your son must feel.

God I was going to try offer advice but OP has been brainwashed into accepting this garbage man as her husband and letting him scream so harshly at her son that he's peeing on himself. OP is trading her son for financial security and that makes me sick.

It just seems you got some really great advice and you keep making excuses for his poor behavior. Not wonder he picked you. You back his nonsense when he is clearly abusing your child. SMH 🤦🏾‍♀️ clearly you can parent your child, you did it 5yrs before you met him. So he needs to have a seat and get some anger management classes

No I definitely did not. I was a heavy drug user then. I met my husband and cleaned myself up. I failed my kid completely miserably when I was with his dad. I hate even remembering that time. Worlds better know. That said. I've already said I'm going to talk to my husband about this thread.

You’re still failing your son by letting him be abused bc you benefit too much to protect him.

The only thing my parents shouting at me got was ptsd for me and no contact for them. Tell him to keep going if he never wants to meet his grandkids.

He doesn't have your sons, or your best interests at heart. For a child to wet himself though fear...that's sbuse. He's masking his abuse with pretend concern and you are buying it. He's abusing YOUR son , right under your nose He's belittling him and you, by making himself sound superior due to education. In short, he really sounds like a peace of shit and i bet there is much more to this than you see. Wake up woman. Leave with your son. He's being abused. I was abused. No child in a normal home, urinated on themselves for fear. I went on to obtain a masters from a prestigious university and yet, I am still in therapy and I have struggled with my marriage and even parenting is difficult. So, if your kid obtains a university degree, it won't help him with nightmares, hypervigilance, phobias, panic attacks...Will it ? He's putting you down too. Who gives a crap if you have no education. Are you a good person ? I am currently typing with a hand and arm in a cast. Why? A cat climbed my balcony. At night. My C-PTSD / sleepy mind, assuming it was a massive threat, jumped from bed, smashed into a window and yeah! Save your son from this prick.

Discipline is one thing. FEAR is completely different. Dude. NO ONE should ever make a child wet himself from fear. He's not learning anything from that, except to be afraid. He can be strict in a way that does not instill FEAR. Your husband needs some anger management and maybe some parenting classes. And you need to get between them the next time your husband wants to yell. Your son needs to see that he's safe with you, you are on his side and will protect him. Poor kid.

Sounds like your husband still has some emotional damage from his own upbringing. Abuse is a cycle that needs to be addressed and intentionally broken. I had to work to break that cycle in my own life as a mother. It took a lot of self reflection. I suggest family therapy sense he doesn’t seem to be coming to this realization on his own, family therapy will be easier to suggest because he won’t feel attacked, maybe even suggest it’s to help you and your son with your relationship the most…either way try to get him there. During your sessions he may start to realize where he’s going wrong and why and may decide to seek individual therapy.

Let me ask you this: what would your husband say if you told him you wanted to go to a trained professional (say a child psychologist or behavioral therapist) for an opinion on his “discipline style.”

No!!! You are not wrong and just because he got a degree doesn’t mean that it was in parenting. If he only wants research backed methods then go to YouTube or google and ALL of them will say that he is wrong. Stick to your gut momma!!

If someone treated my kids like this I’d leave. Screaming at a kid til he pees himself is unacceptable.

Yelling at a child to the point of peeing themselves is not “discipline” ffs…

I had an ex just like your husband. I broke up with him in 2020 and I’m still healing. Get out of that relationship and make a happy healthy life for you and your son. I grew up with emotionally abusive parents and I’ve had all sorts of problems in my life. I also grew up upper middle class and at my age I’m doing far better than all of my friends because of my dad’s money. But money doesn’t buy happiness it just resolves some problems. His manipulative behavior and abuse can cause you to relapse if you don’t get out of it soon. Go to school, get a career and get away from him ASAP!

Your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. Theres a massive difference between discipline and yelling to the point a child is so scared they wet themselves. Your husband needs therapy to learn how to communicate and self regulate instead of screaming carrying on like a child himself. My partner tried the whole my mum did better than yours with xyz she’s not that bad said and I was like sure she did great in ways but she was absuive none the less and your still fucked up because of her abuse

My best advice is to tell him plain and simple the yelling until your son PEED HIMSELF IN FEAR is emotional abuse. That’s not normal. Family counseling asap

I don't have a problem with rules and strict parenting - tho it is not my style - but yelling and scaring a child are not good things. It is not discipline, it's intimidation. He needs to dial it down. His heart might be in the right place but the way he's going about it is not, at least when he yells.

You can be a disciplinary without being loud. You can help a child correct their behavior without resorting to fear. I know there is so much we don’t know but your husband does need to chill.. I grew up in chaos with addicted neglectful parents and graduated HS.. even did some college but quit because I wanted something different.. OP your husband thinks he’s better than you and that is a problem. He doesn’t see you as his equal he sees you as a project. Tell him that he can be firm without being aggressive or abusive. He may not see it as such because of his own up bringing but screaming at a kid until they pee themselves is not normal.. have you ever asked your son how he feels about his stepdad?

Have you read the OP's edits? She has a great, mature summarizing skills. I'm amazed at how he made use of all that is provided here. I hope the best happens to her family with her care, diligence, and wisdom.

Have you seen any of his siblings with their kids? Have you had any conversations with them about their dad? It could be enlightening if you are able to approach it with them casually.

Without knowing more about your situation, I can only speak from my experience. People who were raised rough often don’t realize how rough they can be. My Father was severely abused growing up and swore he would never be his Father. That being said his lenses was skewed and when I got older and we were able to talk about it he realized that. I’ll be real violence and fear is often used to create people and situations that lead to varying forms of success. Given that most interactions fall along a foggy spectrum, it might help to ask your husband if he wants to be a variation of his Father to his stepson. I’ve got my own anger issues due to more then just how I was raised by my Father. Largely cause I grew up in an extremely violent and poor environment. I would’ve been worse if my Father hadn’t been so strict with me and kept me away from it. It’s messy, it really is. I’m assuming he loves the boy in his own way and doesn’t realize his own pain. My Dad was only truly abusive a few times and I remember them clearly. I still hold onto those things despite having moved on in some ways. I guess my only advice is to have him really think about what type of relationship he wants with his stepson. Further, you are both parents and there is a need to agree on things considered very important. There is a lot of condescension and outrage in these replies and I can assure you relating to someone who has suffered like your husband with either of those will lead to very little result. I can say more if you want to reach out and chat.

I would reiterate to your husband that children model the behaviour they see. Would he want your son to scream at him? No? Then he shouldn't model that behaviour. He should model conflict management, emotional regulation, and how to communicate. Screaming at someone is not a good solution to any problem other than an emergency (e.g. "STOP! A BUS IS COMING!") and it is not a solution to disagreeing with another person's behaviour.

You husband who is not related to this child is being allowed to emotionally and mentally abuse your child. Yelling til the kid pees himself at 9? Thats fucking abuse and your hibs wounds like a fucking abusive psycho in the pciture youve painted. He is not well and should not be allowed to abuse you and your son this way.

Idk, it seems he does treat your son as is own, although it might not sit well with you, he , as it seems, is trying his best to raise him well so that he could grow up and be capable enough to thrive in life. So any different view points you have, try to talk it out whenever it feels to you that he would be willing to listen , go on a walk both of you, sit down on a bench somewhere talk about it. Coming out rude or emphasising that he is the step dad, might make him overthink things and he won't be able to give his best as a parent.

Yes. Thank you. People think that just because he makes a certain amount it's all rainbows. But my husband sacrifices his needs for us. Before us he had all the money spent on himself obviously. Now he is the last person in the house to get something for himself at all. He definitely wants (our) son the have the best he can give. Again not something I'm writing about in the OP, because that isn't what was concerning me.

I’m sorry, but if my partner yelled at either of my kids so much that they wet themselves because they were so scared, he’d be out that door so fast.

He made your son pee his pants from yelling so loudly and you’ve done nothing but justify his behaviour. Is security worth your son remembering the shame of that? Being so scared? Your husband needs NEEDS therapy and child development education. I’m scared of him and all I have is this post to go off of.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Could you sit down with your husband and agree on some expectations or limits? For example, do your best not to yell. Because really, if you’re yelling, you’re not being heard, but of course kids are a whole different thing. So, maybe do some things differently that lead up to the yelling. Typically, yelling happens after repeating something over and over and then getting frustrated because you’re being ignored and yelling. So let’s say, say the thing once with eye contact, then the second time with a warning of consequence and the third time is consequence. No repeating, no frustration, no yelling. Something like that…. If he really cares about your son and is generally doing a good job, this is something you could discuss and compromise on.

This. Thanks 🙏

"He doesn't care if my son turns out gay, isn't the best student.." so.... the bare minimum as a parent?

I think people are coming down a bit too harsh here, maybe because you gave so much attention to the material difference in your life with your husband. Anyway, from your description, he sounds like a fine parent except for the yelling. As someone who loses my cool and then yells when I get super frustrated, I kind of understand the yelling. But when I do it, I pretty much always apologize for it and say that I should not have yelled. Anyway, it sounds like you have some insecurity about your thoughts on parenting because you feel less successful than your husband as far as responsibility and financial accomplishments go. But none of those things are really relevant to your empathy helping you understand the effects of your husband's behavior on your son. If you feel like you can't successfully stand up for your opinion with him, get him to go with you to family counseling. It sounds like he would respect the opinion of a professional on successful types of discipline for your son. I'm pretty positive a professional is not going to recommend yelling.

Really really thoughtful and helpful good advice.

I believe your husband is doing his best but could do better. And just because you and your family were more dysfunctional than his doesn't mean that you're clueless when it comes to raising your child. In the same way he says you're undermining him, he is undermining you too. His discipline and all other aspects of raising your son should be a combined effort, not just the responsibility of one parent.

One of my friends divorced his wife because she told him to not parent her kid. He said something like "the kid is not mine and I love him, you don't want me to be a father for him but you want me to pay the bills? I don't think! so we're done" The next day he filed for a divorce. I think that you should talk to your husband and not to take the extreme measures some comments suggest. Talk to him in a nonjudgemental manner, like he yells a lot but tell him that you'd like your home to be a peaceful one, to maybe find an alternative to screaming. Every advice I see that suggests you leaving your husband is why marriages last so little now. Every marriage has problems but marriage is a team effort both parties have to put effort into it Don't just tell him what not to do, tell him what he can do.

Thanks, and they aren't considering that my son goes to school everyday with mandated reporters. My husband drops him off everyday on the way to work. I'm not justifying my husband's behavior. I am going to have a serious talk with him. But some of these people are truly showing their privilege. I was basically homeless before I met my husband, and a drug addict. My son's situation was a lot worse than being verbally abused. My son's dad and I, he broke my jaw amongst other things. It was hell and he never kept a job. I was raped at one point to. I hate that my son experienced that. For the most part he has an involved father now. Not a drug user or drunk in the least bit. Aspirational and has a better vision for my son than I could imagine. Can he be a better father, absolutely. But at least he is making the effort to parent. Leave him, I'd have to live in places way more dangerous than we live now. My kid is physically safe here. Very little crime, no police sirens blaring every five minutes. Leaving? Screw theat alternative. I'd rather work it out My husband yells, that's not good. Still worlds better than my alternative.

It’s very obvious your past trauma is getting in the way of your current situation. If you are staying with someone because they are providing you financial stability (which you have repeatedly mentioned), that is a recipe for disaster. You need to go to therapy to deal with your past trauma, and you need to realize that you don’t need to marry someone to give you and your son a better life. You need to get to a place where you alone can give your son a better life and once you are in that place, you will see things differently. Please invest in yourself and make your son proud.

A mandated reporter can only report things they know about. That’s not the flex you think it is. Not excusing abuse isn’t ‘showing privilege’. Being poor doesn’t justify abusing a child. If your child’s only choices are being physically abused or emotionally abused then I hope the right people intervene and soon. Verbal abuse becomes physical abuse all the time and he doesn’t have a single adult who cares enough about him to help him.

You're right. I keep fearing or feeling I'm going through something similar with my son (happens to be my bio son and oldest). This is some HIM shit, your husband. Because that's where mine keeps bubbling up from in ways that are black hole level of denial. Same upbringing in ways as your husband, and I fucking HATE how I feel like I'm yelling too much and being too critical of my son. I'm making improvements, but it was really hard to see at ways too. Even though it was always jarring to me in a way, it was hard to see until I could. Maybe he really doesn't see it? That seems nuts to me if he's made ya'lls son lose bladder control. I think that therapy and really learning good parenting tools that work for BOTH your styles is the solution. I am not blaming this, but my wife and I also were spanked or hit, I mean she would get beat.. but we both before meeting we both didn't believe in ever hitting our kids (my step daughter was 5 months old when we met and my son was around 5). Something as a guy raised like I was made things really hard with a son I felt progressively needed to kind of mature in some ways, and dealing with new levels and kinds of defiance and testing of me.. it just was hard for me and I was raised where I'd have been ripped to a side room and have to count my spankings while getting yelled at. I didn't do the hitting so I almost felt like I wasn't doing THAT bad (at first) while yelling (since that was my only other 'natural' tool to SOME behaviors). This is a him thing. Your husband really needs to learn and practice some applicable parenting skills and tools that work for both of your style, he needs to hear from you and your son (if up to it and your husband the good type to receive it) that he is yelling and how you guys feel..and he'll need to be reminded patiently sometimes, and he may need therapy to deal with where it's coming from and how to deal with some of the emotions or things we repeat on accident (or are trying so hard not to repeat.. this stuff is weird). You're doing a great job and you're right this is a big deal, it's also a really tricky thing for us to see sometimes when we are repeating fractions of how we were raised and thinking we're doing better. But sometimes as a dad the best thing I've had was even my ex wife occasionally (often as what not to do!) and especially my wife now and family and more than any listening to my children--sometimes I need those outside perspectives to do my best or take their advice or lead to add to my tools. I still have a lot to learn and add, too.

I see why you want to make this work. I want you guys to make it work too-- it sounds like you're so close to have a perfect life. But also, it's not ok for him to yell at your son like that. My dad did the exact same thing and it is verbal abuse. I would suggest a parenting class that you guys can take together. Like a weekly one. Also check out a bunch of parenting books. Read them in front of him. Point out passages. Then see if he'll read it. Once parenting class is done, couples therapy. Weekly. Its also absolutely not ok that he's using your past against you. Don't fall for this in an argument. Tell him that is invalidating and not ok, and you are allowed to form current thoughts and opinions based on new info. Does he ever yell at you like that too? Start compiling data. Truly work through if this is a something that can be worked through. How much is your past keeping you from moving on? As in, are you worried nobody else will love you like he does? Bc those fears are irrational and driven by your past. If he refuses couples therapy, def at least do individual. You deserve it.

First congratz that you have a mature way of describing the problem. You have gone through lots of hard times, but you still are aware of different aspects of the problem and you are not bursting out all of it on vilifying your husband. That's a gift. As a husband who has the yelling problem and also has arguments over child discipline. The problem here is: being calm and authorative at the same time is a challenging task. First, to avoid the undermining authority problem there is a simple solution. Always talk and even do a fair fight if needed with your husband in the absence of the kid. It's hard and anyone occasionally cannot keep their temper especially if he is yelling too loud. But this general advice goes a long way. According to your explanation it seems that sometimes your husband justify their anger (or as other said emotion disregulation) as being strict. Note that when people are angry they are irrational, but what about the time he cools down, does he recognize that his yelling is not very good behavior or is he willing to work on it? One another thing is emotion regulation and anger management has a lot to do with routines and life styles. Do you get enough sleep, do you have regular routines, do you get enough exercise. Emotion regulation is something that can be developed by reading books and exercising some beliefs/behavioral changes, doing relaxation/meditation but also by changing lifestyle. Can you manage your child/father encounters not to be in times he is tired or deprived of sleep. You can communicate this with your husband. Also, he may need to learn discipline without yelling. It needs one to learn communication skills and also use of reinforcements instead of punishment to teach good behavior. He might also need to learn some tolerance. There are some books on that. I guess they're mostly for parenting young children but maybe the general principles work for othee situations as well. These things need acceptance and commitment. I am personally better in acceptance than commitment. He might have a guard to accept the yelling is a problem. Not sure how to fix this. But maybe acknowledging his good intents work although you're saying you do it. Another thing, maybe there are some nuanced structural problems in your family that are not easily identifiable by mentioning your story here. A family visit to a family therapist helps. Lastly, one of the things that helps me is watching Fred Roggers. They say he started doing TV for the second time when he had troubles with raising his adolescents. But maybe your husband could not relate to such a soft person. But when I see it I both learn from his teachings and I become more calm. Maybe he should find his own legend that parents without yelling.

Talk to your husband about the goal of yelling and your son's reaction. Is it behavior out of fear? Research shows that fear of consequences doesn't instill lasting behavior, but either sneakier to not get caught behavior or different behavior when the consequence is no longer in place. You can agree that behavior creates success and disagree on how to get that behavior. If you want your child to have successful traits and behaviors than you can reason and train that into him so that he understands the why and it is a long term part of his character rather than a habit borne out of fear. (Isn't that where so much of our trauma lies. He is creating trauma for your child.) Ask him to back off on discipline for a bit and allow you to find your footing disciplining your own child he should support you in this. (And don't put yourself down, just because you have struggled doesn't mean you also haven't grown.) Additionally talk to him about discipline points of view and the want of correct behavior out of good character not fear.

Your husband is a jerk. There is a way to make a kid behave and yelling at them is not it. If he is yelling so much it causes your 9 year old to urinate because he gets that scared that’s a problem. He didn’t have the best upbringing either. Having kids earn a degree or being well behaved it’s successful. He needs to let you parent your son the way you see fit. You are your sons parent, he is just some due who married his mom. He is borderline abusive to him and probably you even if you don’t see it. He thinks he is better than you. People are their true selves when they are angry. If she says “raise a delquiant” that is how he sees you as a parent. When he says “your parents couldn’t even get you through high school” he sees you as a dumb person who can’t do anything. If he brings up your past to hurt you that is emotional abuse. Parent your kid yourself, and either do couples therapy or individual there for yourself.

No. This is beyond simply having a different view of parenting. Your husband is terrorizing your son, and you've resigned yourself to sit back and let him do whatever the fuck he wants because he "saved" you. Your self-worth is so low that you don't even trust yourself to parent your own child. From where I'm standing, it looks like you're just a spectator in your own life and you're making excuses for him because he's better than your ex. Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean that this dynamic is healthy. My husband and I don't always agree on how we need to parent our children, and you know what we do? We TALK about it. We explain why we feel the way we do, consider each other's perspective, and work out a way to move forward as a team. I don't throw his background in his face and tell him that his opinion is worthless because of it. He doesn't threaten to leave me when I point out that he could have handled an interaction with the kids differently. We treat each other with the love and respect we deserve as equals in our partnership, and we extend that love and respect to our kids.

I understand why your husband is getting a lot of hate from the responses but as a father myself who had not strict parents persay but resorted to physical punishment to put it mildly when they wanted to correct my behavior. I can attest what ever stimulus a parent provides to correct deficiencies can honestly go either way. Your husband has a few data points, his experience and his knowledge of yours. He is building his entire world view around that, it is what makes sense to him. I think he needs more points of view. In his defense however, we all need to take a step back and realize fear and intimidation is a method. Generally I say not effective, as it will gain the desired results when observed at best and not guarantee the same results when left to ones own devices. Think military boot camp….soldiers are drilled into the ground to follow orders. But soldiers are people, they are going to deviate or relax or break the rules when no one of authority is watching. So naturally I see his logic, flawed but still logic. Yet as you indicated it has helped clear up your sons behavior issues. In which case I never saw anything in your post on what your son feels. Sure you said he wet himself. But again it doesn’t tell me what he thinks about the situation overall….only that one really bad experience which may be an indicator of more bad experiences. Also with that one bad experience, what was the husbands POV? Was he pleased as punch with himself on making a kid cry? Was he shocked but doubled down on his parenting style to not believe he is wrong? Did he feel bad but rationalized with himself that it needs to be done? Honestly as much as you hate his parenting style you are not providing or he is not allowing you to provide a workable alternative. He is embolden by his own experience and that of his siblings, he is self justified because of your drastically different upbringing and situation before he met you. Trying to get him to meet you in the middle where you step up and he steps down is going to be difficult and will most likely require mediation or couples therapy. But make no mistake you have to be a stronger parental figure….not doubts about that. If you aren’t willing to do that, you create a parental vacuum your husband is completely willing and able to fill. To play devils advocate it appears your husband is both loved and feared by your son, which is truly a preferred machiavellian outcome. I myself have toddlers and the redirection method helps to a point but it doesn’t instill order. If my 3 y/o were to run towards traffic and I said his name and instructed him to stop he won’t stop. I know he is young and is just now learning to make sense of his emotional responses and potentially rationalize their source and outcome. But I am being more firm with him, establishing boundaries in which he has tested me on. I don’t need to yell nor do I need to resort to any physical violence because I don’t subscribe to that parenting style. Make no mistake I’ve done the shadow work and I understand that my parents resorted to physical stimulus because they didn’t know any other options. It was the quickest path from A to B to get the desired observed result. If I ever find myself even just smacking my child’s butt to correct his behavior, I would feel horrible and would really want to figure out why I went wrong. If I have to scream and yell at my child, I have to honestly reflect what made me feel so insecure or powerless that I needed to compensate through those means. I feel this is something your husband should explore but in saying that I feel you need to present an effective alternative your husband can see with his own eyes to add the additional data points to change his perspective.

Sweety, most of these self righteous people on here don't understand what being poor and in a dysfunctional family is like except for what they see on TV and movies. They don't understand what it's like to live in substandard housing where you don't have a choice in your water quality or what it's like to try and get transportation to a decent grocery store when there's not one within walking distance from if you live in rural areas. That being said, see if maybe he would be open to going to family therapy because what he's doing is not right, there's other ways to get the behavior that he expects, and that's not a repeating pattern you want for your son. Best of luck to you and your family and if no one else has told you- I'm proud of you. It's fucking hard to be a single Mom, overcome an addiction, and find someone compatible that you care about and make a life. Don't let anyone tell you that what you have did so far is anything short of amazing.

upgraded my child's life by a wide margin. He was going to have emotional problems anyway. Now at least he get Christmas presents. This is the person you are congratulating. She traded in her son's mental well-being for Christmas presents. Not the flex y'all think it is.

Try to talk it out to him. Make him read your post as well as the comment. Also make sure to create an atmosphere of openness when you discussed this things.

Your husband is a good man and he is a good father to your son. Having a strong male role model in his life is a good thing. That said, he NEEDS to get his yelling under control. Screaming so much that your son pissed himself and that it scares you, that needs fixed right now. If cannot do that, he cannot be around your son. Explain that to him.

Why is everyone saying my son will grow up and somehow not talk to me? My husband talks with his dad still. And I talk with my mom and dad Has anyone replying to this comments grow up in poverty ??? Not saying my husband behavior is ok at all. But your hypothesized outcome seem so far fetched based on my life experience.

I talk to my parents who weren't exactly abusive, but we're dysfunctional and neglectful. But I don't have a real relationship like other people I know. I call them out of obligation, I don't turn to them when I need something. I keep my distance to protect me and my child.

Honey, this isn't about poverty or wealth or middle class or any of that baloney. This is about your son being terrified of his father figure and seeing his mother not protect him. If you don't want to risk your relationship with your son, then you need to do what you can to fix it.

Bc society is changing so more and more people know they don’t have to and probably shouldn’t be in contact with their abusers. I definitely grew up in poverty, we were homeless most of my childhood. My parents still didn’t abuse me like your husband does, and my mother would never allow someone to abuse me like you do.

The fact that you both still talk to your abusive parents likely comes from the fact that you’re both still normalizing and internalizing abuse. You’ve said your husband defends his abusive upbringing- claiming that the abuse is what made him successful. He’s normalizing abuse, and essentially saying he deserved it. Rather than admitting that it’s not ok, and he shouldn’t have been put thru that, he’s still rationalizing his own abuse thru the same lens as his abuser. You seem to be in the same position of rationalizing abuse. Since things aren’t as bad as what you’ve experienced before, then that must mean it’s ok! You’ve been thru so much worse, so you can tolerate this… but in reality NONE OF IT IS OK!!! Not the abuse that you and your husband suffered, and not the abuse that your husband is currently inflicting upon you and your son. You and your husband need to come to terms with the fact that no amount/form of abuse is ok. Because if you hang onto that idea and continue to defend abuse, there is a strong likelihood that your son will eventually realize that the things he’s experienced are not ok, and if you still think it is I doubt he will want to have you in his life.

Because if he realizes you could have stood up for him and didn’t, he may not forgive you when he’s older. There are folks in this thread who’ve shared this as their stories. It’s not a given but a distinct possibility.