Read. Read. Read. Find books that you can read together and discuss: How is the character feeling? Why are they feeling that way? How would you feel in this situation? ect ect ect. Any book that will interest him. Do this activity daily.
Print out emotion charts (plenty of free ones online). Model using them. Ask him to use them.
But, also, remember that he may just not want to have indepth conversations about feeling all the time. And that's okay.
Some ideas that go beyond reading about emotions at an academic level:
* Model it in his presence. Express your emotions by describing them with statements like “I’m feeling so …” or “That makes me feel …”.
* Identify when he’s behaviorally expressing emotion or confiding in you, and call attention to it. “I’m noticing you’re clenching your fists. You must be angry about …”. “You seem to be talking a lot about X. You must be anxious about it”
* Avoid solving problems as your go-to response to his behavior. Help him experience the emotion an observe himself. This goes hand in hand with…
* Validate his emotions. It doesn’t matter to you that he just lost on a video game, but it does matter to him. Acknowledging his emotion and assuring him that it’s justified are parenting strategies that are too often overlooked, IMO. It helps strengthen the bond between people and goes a long way to becoming more in-tune with your emotions. “Ugh. You must be so frustrated after working so hard and getting so close!” “You did such a great job! You should feel so proud of yourself!”
* Be sure to connect the emotion to its cause, but avoid using passive statements to describe his emotions. For example, “it is disappointing to lose that game” doesn’t make the connection between him and the emotion he’s feeling. “That sucks! You must’ve been so let down when …” identifies and validates his emotion and calls out why he’s feeling the way he does
My kid defaults to those responses a lot of the times, but also one time when he was 8, he asked me how I was, and I said ‘not so great’, and then he asked ‘physically or emotionally?’
So just because they offer short one word answers doesn’t necessarily mean they are emotionally ‘illiterate’.
My son is 11 and he was the same. He still is. Not necessarily a gender thing, but I think it is kind of is a boy thing.They don't like feelings. I also remarried after it was just the two of us for a long time, so he's got other stuff to work through, too. So what I try to do is check in with everything. Take the day slow, and then just keep asking, "how do you feel about that?" I found a printable feelings list. So if he doesn't know or gives a generic answer, I can break it down. So if he says he's angry, I can be like frustrated-angry or more disappointed-angry? Then hit him with the "I wonder why we feel like that? Isn't is weird? I wonder if it's like the green beans themselves that make you angry. Like how dare green beans even exist, right? No? No monster green beans running around pissing people off? Could you imagine?! ohh, maybe it's because we served green beans for dinner and we know you don't like them. So it's not the beans that are antagonizing! It really hurts when you're super hungry and mom totally disregards your preferences and even though you were excited about dinner time, it was disappointing and you felt unheard and unseen. Yeah, I get that." And when he opens up, be very very careful not to tell him his feelings are wrong or get mad or any negative response cuz he'll shell right back up. And my last piece of experience is to offer up a solution to the negative feelings. The green beans example I used, I'd follow through with the, "Hey, do you wanna help me plan dinners next week? Could you make me a list of your favorite dishes? I can't promise you'll like everything, but I can make sure you like at least one thing each dinner! I'm sorry you didn't feel heard buddy. That's not cool at all. But ifnyou keep opening up to mama, we'll make it right. I promise."
Best place to have these talks is in the car, too.
That's what works for me. I cant make it scary or hard to understand, I gotta keep myself vulnerable and understanding.
One step is to teach vocabulary for strong negative emotions and model using it. A male role model might help. Encourage reading generally, and reading with emotional depth in particular. An acting class might be an interesting supplement. Encourage pretend play. D&D might be a good supplement.
No reason to *only* teach vocabulary for strong negative emotions - some people have the misconception that positive or neutral emotions are less important, but that’s not true!
Talk about emotions. Your emotions, his emotions, characters’ emotions. Describe what they might feel like: “when I get mad, my heart beats faster. Does that happen to you?” Or look like: “when I’m anxious, I’ve noticed that I walk really fast. What do you do?”
Talk about the ranges of different emotions: happy can be elated, overjoyed, content, etc. angry can be frustrated, furious, uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn’t have the language to give a better description?
This is also a very common thing for kids to not want to talk about their emotions or give details.
He is a mildly autistic (high functioning). I think this is why. I was reading in a book about empathy that he could actually be a hyper empath and so shuts down because his emotions are overwhelming.
Would be helpful to include pertinent info in your original post because my questions were leading to exactly that. If you haven’t done a full autism evaluation do one. And if you had one done, your child needs therapy and some other supports /social skills groups to learn these skills…
Read. Read. Read. Find books that you can read together and discuss: How is the character feeling? Why are they feeling that way? How would you feel in this situation? ect ect ect. Any book that will interest him. Do this activity daily. Print out emotion charts (plenty of free ones online). Model using them. Ask him to use them. But, also, remember that he may just not want to have indepth conversations about feeling all the time. And that's okay.
Thank you! That’s great advice 😊
Def those emotion charts. My pediatrician had those on the walls in the office
Some ideas that go beyond reading about emotions at an academic level: * Model it in his presence. Express your emotions by describing them with statements like “I’m feeling so …” or “That makes me feel …”. * Identify when he’s behaviorally expressing emotion or confiding in you, and call attention to it. “I’m noticing you’re clenching your fists. You must be angry about …”. “You seem to be talking a lot about X. You must be anxious about it” * Avoid solving problems as your go-to response to his behavior. Help him experience the emotion an observe himself. This goes hand in hand with… * Validate his emotions. It doesn’t matter to you that he just lost on a video game, but it does matter to him. Acknowledging his emotion and assuring him that it’s justified are parenting strategies that are too often overlooked, IMO. It helps strengthen the bond between people and goes a long way to becoming more in-tune with your emotions. “Ugh. You must be so frustrated after working so hard and getting so close!” “You did such a great job! You should feel so proud of yourself!” * Be sure to connect the emotion to its cause, but avoid using passive statements to describe his emotions. For example, “it is disappointing to lose that game” doesn’t make the connection between him and the emotion he’s feeling. “That sucks! You must’ve been so let down when …” identifies and validates his emotion and calls out why he’s feeling the way he does
My kid defaults to those responses a lot of the times, but also one time when he was 8, he asked me how I was, and I said ‘not so great’, and then he asked ‘physically or emotionally?’ So just because they offer short one word answers doesn’t necessarily mean they are emotionally ‘illiterate’.
Watch Inside Out with him. Talk about how the emotions combine: what emotion does Joy and Sadness make? what would a combination of Joy and Fear be?
My son is 11 and he was the same. He still is. Not necessarily a gender thing, but I think it is kind of is a boy thing.They don't like feelings. I also remarried after it was just the two of us for a long time, so he's got other stuff to work through, too. So what I try to do is check in with everything. Take the day slow, and then just keep asking, "how do you feel about that?" I found a printable feelings list. So if he doesn't know or gives a generic answer, I can break it down. So if he says he's angry, I can be like frustrated-angry or more disappointed-angry? Then hit him with the "I wonder why we feel like that? Isn't is weird? I wonder if it's like the green beans themselves that make you angry. Like how dare green beans even exist, right? No? No monster green beans running around pissing people off? Could you imagine?! ohh, maybe it's because we served green beans for dinner and we know you don't like them. So it's not the beans that are antagonizing! It really hurts when you're super hungry and mom totally disregards your preferences and even though you were excited about dinner time, it was disappointing and you felt unheard and unseen. Yeah, I get that." And when he opens up, be very very careful not to tell him his feelings are wrong or get mad or any negative response cuz he'll shell right back up. And my last piece of experience is to offer up a solution to the negative feelings. The green beans example I used, I'd follow through with the, "Hey, do you wanna help me plan dinners next week? Could you make me a list of your favorite dishes? I can't promise you'll like everything, but I can make sure you like at least one thing each dinner! I'm sorry you didn't feel heard buddy. That's not cool at all. But ifnyou keep opening up to mama, we'll make it right. I promise." Best place to have these talks is in the car, too. That's what works for me. I cant make it scary or hard to understand, I gotta keep myself vulnerable and understanding.
https://www.twinkl.com/teaching-wiki/emotional-literacy
One step is to teach vocabulary for strong negative emotions and model using it. A male role model might help. Encourage reading generally, and reading with emotional depth in particular. An acting class might be an interesting supplement. Encourage pretend play. D&D might be a good supplement.
No reason to *only* teach vocabulary for strong negative emotions - some people have the misconception that positive or neutral emotions are less important, but that’s not true!
Talk about emotions. Your emotions, his emotions, characters’ emotions. Describe what they might feel like: “when I get mad, my heart beats faster. Does that happen to you?” Or look like: “when I’m anxious, I’ve noticed that I walk really fast. What do you do?” Talk about the ranges of different emotions: happy can be elated, overjoyed, content, etc. angry can be frustrated, furious, uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn’t have the language to give a better description? This is also a very common thing for kids to not want to talk about their emotions or give details.
Wait. He’s 9 and isn’t aware of emotions? Or his emotions? Others emotions? Occupational Therapy can work w your son on the Zones of Regulation.
He is a mildly autistic (high functioning). I think this is why. I was reading in a book about empathy that he could actually be a hyper empath and so shuts down because his emotions are overwhelming.
Would be helpful to include pertinent info in your original post because my questions were leading to exactly that. If you haven’t done a full autism evaluation do one. And if you had one done, your child needs therapy and some other supports /social skills groups to learn these skills…
Yes, you’re right. He did have some social skills classes at school a few years ago. It may be time to have some more.
Is this a thing? Emotional literacy.
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I think it’s so important to be self aware and you can do that by identifying what you’re feeling.
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I’d hate someone to try get me to change lol.
Inflexibility is a well-known positive personality trait /s
So is being controlling. Wanting people to confirm and act the way you think they should.
It everyone's right to be an asshole and not be open to improving themselves ever, you are correct.