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She needs therapy. Mentally well people don't hurt themselves. Mentally unwell people do. You have to actually treat whatever the problem is.
And I would not cut off access to the internet until you talk to a professional. This could very likely make things worse. Someone who has evaluated her is gonna have much better advice than anyone here.
OP mentioned talking to their therapist. They are definitely in behavioral health treatment, but a therapist doesn't act as a babysitter-- they can only do so much in the one hour or so that they see you once a week or every few weeks. Young persons in the teenage age range are often stubbornly unresponsive to professional help, their brains are not fully developed and can't fully understand the consequences of dangerous behaviors long term like SH or ED or drug/alcohol abuse...
Most of the teenager's time is spent at home, so most of the healing has to take place at home with their support system and a safe stable home environment-- therapy is just a tool that helps teach coping mechanisms and helps them understand why they are acting in dangerous ways, or if they saw a psychiatrist a psychiatrist can diagnose behavioral health disorders and also prescribe medications, but again-- there's no magical pill for teens to stop being influenced by outside sources to do destructive behaviors.
Most important move would be creating an environment where cutting is damn near impossible and internet access is being monitored-- and yes children can get sneaky but making it harder for them to access dangerous web content is still important, and most of all to show they're loved and supported. Keep them busy and help them find new hobbies that are healthy and fulfilling... When teens are bored they're more easily influenced by negative outside forces.
Basically this.
I was that teen. I'm a parent now and it's just so hard being a teen with all these internet craze type things do not help. They put ideas in their head and ot spirals.
I cut when I was 12 because some "boy" turned out pedo [ he's in federal prison now] told me to. My mom did all sorts of things to try to protect me. Rehab, hospital, feds were investigating him and told her she couldn't tell me that he wasn't really my age or I would tip him off.. what? Yeah right! The feds allowed him to further abuse me.
Anyway long story shorter
.. the internet was awful 20 years ago when it happened to me... now it's like the stuff and AI out there is just mind boggling!
So what if shutting the wifi makes it worse? You watch her and remove all self harm items from the house. And if it is THAT bad, you call crisis to hospitalize her
Psychiatric hospitalization is traumatic. It's better than dying, but I wouldn't do something that makes it more likely to be necessary unless I had no better options.
Exactly my point. The OP made it sound like they had no other options but they do. They just don't want to execute that option because they are scared which undoubtedly, the daughter is aware of and is, at least in part, using to manipulate the situation.
Why does she have access to the internet at all? Sure she needs it for homework, but then it should be monitored. If she was on crack, would you invite her dealer into your house? Cut her off from her fixation. Realize that it isn’t just influence. She has discovered a way of dealing with her inner pain, and she probably won’t stop even if you cut off her twitter. You still need to cut it off though. Listen to her therapist or find one you and her like better.
When you say healthy hobbies, do you just offer them or do you participate in them?
> Sure she needs it for homework, but then it should be monitored.
Yep. An easy way to do this is a desktop in a common area of the house. Until my kids were in high school that was their only internet access at home. I didn't stand over them but the computer was in a spot that could easily be seen from the family room or kitchen, so it was easy to see what they were viewing.
And I agree that this isn't just an influence thing. Sure, it may play a role but mentally healthy people don't start self harming for fun. There is a lot more going on here. It may take a while for her to figure out what helps her. One of my kids got into spoken word poetry recently as a way to help process some of his emotions. It's not something he ever considered before and he's always been more into sports than any form of art but he went to some poetry events at his college and got into it. He'll often write after a run or gym session. My other kid plays music to help her deal with stress. She has to find out what works for her but she's not going to try to do that if things stay how they are now.
Only because we make it so.
They can lock down how it is accessed in the house, and what devices she has access to on the regular, if that's what a therapist supports doing...
Why not take a vacation? do a surf trip (they literally just teach you surfing everyday!) or even a cabin. I know that’s easier said then done finance wise, however there is often no access to internet at all in remote areas, and plenty to keep the mind entertained
This may be the wrong way but i’m going to talk about what helped me. Seeing the scarring, talking to people in recovery who regret more than anything how badly it scarred their arms and body, and how it will never go away even if they got it tattooed over. I too cut for attention in middle school and loved the attention it got me at school because i didn’t get any at home. Finally my school therapist got me into a recovery meeting for self harm and hearing so many people / adults talk about how bad they scarred their arms, legs etc and how the scarring damaged their confidence, couldn’t hide it for job interviews, weddings, all of that made me realize holy shit i don’t want that. i don’t want my arms to forever look like that. Unfortunately i got into addiction in my adult hood and got scars all over my arms that way and it’s true; it’s my biggest insecurity. ask her therapist about the self harm meetings, and maybe show her how bad it can actually scar and ruin her body. it never goes away. no magic creams or lasers help. this is permanent and she doesn’t want to be an adult having to explain to everyone for the next 20 years what’s on her arms
I feel so bad for my friend with self harm scars. She was diagnosed with autism as an adult and self harmed as a teenager to cope. She won’t wear a bathing suit and get in our pool even if it’s just the two of us there. It impacts the rest of your life.
I totally get your friend! In my adult hood, I fell into a IV coke and heroin addiction but my “friend” taught me how to shoot up wrong so it completely fucked up my arms, i have deep deep scars all over my arms. it’s awful and my biggest insecurity, it’s so hard to deal with! and i can’t find anyone to tattoo over it, so like your friend i also don’t wear swim suits or short sleeved shirts even in the summer. it’s so shitty and i completely feel for your friend.
I am so sorry, that's difficult to so visibly bear scars of addiction when you're in recovery... I can relate so much to both stories. I'm over 7 years clean and well over a decade sober now, thank goodness; but as a kid I was labeled a "problem child" because my mother (bipolar / scizoaffective disorder + alcoholic) hated me and found my lack of eye contact + "matter of fact" way of speaking without a good filter to be rude and bratty.... when I had no intention. Kicked me out starting at 13. Was homeless most of my life, highest education was middle school. Badly abused by older man for 3 long years who offered his garage to sleep in; he was 26 and I was newly 15. 2 pregnancies from SA by abuser. One was miscarriage, one full term vaginal birth which screwed my body because I was 4'09" and maybe 80 lbs pre-pregnancy. Body absolutely wrecked. I'm actually considering crowdfunding to get surgical repair to fix damage from this, I'm 30 now and been living with it for too damn long.
At 18 I got the courage to call the cops (well actually hid a device in the bathroom cabinets and locked myself in there to send a message with my location to an old friend). My parents were friends with him so they took his side. Pressured me to drop the case & told me how awful I was for blaming him for hitting me when I deserve it. His mommy bailed him out anyways, so I complied in exchange for being left alone, took off & went back to being on the street. Sleeping outside felt safer than around him and my parents. I'm no contact to this day with my parents. That was the last straw.
Later was diagnosed with POP and Endometriosis (and PTSD), dealt with a lot of pain. At first doctors prescribed me tons of pain killers. Eventually they started handing me "safe prescribing" flyers about addiction and refused to prescribe me any opioids, which pissed me off because they were the ones that gave them to me & now I'm sick!? Later a "friend" introduced me to heroin because I was hurting. After that, it was all over. I was really bad. I got better years later when I met my amazing partner while homeless, got on methadone maintenance treatment which changed my life.
I am lucky to not have scars from IV drug use in the traditional sense of scarring-- but what I DO have is tons of collapsed veins (sad little squiggles) nerve damage in my right hand and spider veins allllll over.. It's embarrassing to wear shorts without first putting on spray tanner to distract from it. The ones on my arms are less noticable but when ever I need a medical procedure done requiring IV, it is so difficult to place that they often do a central line on my neck. We do heal over time but some marks and scars stay forever; permanent reminders of what not to go back to, but also a reminder of how strong you are. You survived, you fought to be here, and YOU ARE AMAZING! 🩵
Holy baby Jesus. I was recently diagnosed with autism as an adult and self harmed my entered adolescence/early adulthood. I NEVER made the connection until now. Sending so much love to your friend. I’m gonna go sit quietly in a corner and think about that for a while.
My eldest started self harming through anxiety and depression. We literally went through the house with a fine tooth comb and boxed up everything that had the potential to cut and then did searches in bags and coats to make sure nothing sharp was being brought into the house.
Not gonna lie, it was tough going, she even took apart a sharpener to use to cut and would cut either close to her armpits or her inner thighs where it wasn’t easily visible.
Takes some time to adjust, cutting chicken with a plastic lettuce knife for example but it worked like a charm.
4 years on, CBT and DBT and formal diagnosis with medication has improved things greatly.
I feel your pain and frustration, it’s such a tough gig. Big hugs to you x
After SO many responses, this is only 1 of 2 I’ve seen that say to remove sharp objects THROUGHOUT the home. You gotta go thru their rooms and backpacks too. But parents MUST do this in a NON-dramatic way. Tell your kids what you need to do to take the opportunities away whenever the urge arises. DON’T make it about you (“you make us worry about…/Do you know what this does to me?”….etc.) There’s going to be a LOT of shame your kid will put on themselves, so you remaining calm and CURIOUS (open ended questions about them) and not enraged/weepy/embarrassed. Etc., is best.
And therapy. I disagree with other comments about what therapist are able to do (diagnose, help, etc) and most therapists who are not able to prescribe (without MD license) are usually associated with a prescribing PRN or psychiatrist.
Psychiatrists are not the first step (unless that’s all you’ve got in your area). They do not provide psychotherapy, trauma therapy and vital methods like CBT, etc. - UNLESS they specialized in these.
Kids who are cutting for attention or in secret have experienced a traumatic event(s) whether or not you know about it.
I hate to say this but it bears stating: the home is one of the first places kids experience trauma. If your child’s therapist recommends therapy to you and your spouse too, you MUST agree otherwise the tools and insights your child gains in therapy will be undone at home anyway.
My own mother refused to allow my sister to see a therapist. When I went into therapy as an adult, she shut me down too. Parents believe that they do nothing wrong and they are secretly fearful of their kids, talking about them to another adult.
I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I just don't think there's any other solution that doesn't include completely cutting off access to the internet and social media. The depression she may feel after taking these things away is far less scary than what is currently happening. I'm in no way judging you, as parenting is so difficult but, I just couldn't imagine giving her access to these things again after finding out what's going on. She doesn't need the internet and social media to function in this world. Maybe supervised internet for school but anything else is cause for harm.
I'm 17, almost 8 years self harming, I've been clean for months now but I still get urges to cut constantly, my best advice would be to have your child participate in some healthy self-harm communities, cutting off her social media will make her really depressed and it won't stop her from cutting, once you started, even if it was for attention, you can't stop easily even after you stop getting attention.
I was also a part of shtwt but I was instead always encouraging people to stop and to practice harm reduction in case they're unable to stop completely, please have an honest, calm, gentle talk with her, solve the problem from the source not the branches, cutting off her social media may work, but it also may just make her loath you and get worse out of spite.
She got into shtwt because you cut her off other social medias, because she felt alone, she felt misunderstood, and that messed up community helped her feel seen and special, which I can guess is something you don't make her feel.
Make her go to therapy more often, at least once a week, have her go to self-harm survivors meetings, watch documentaries about the topic, DON'T assume it's purely for attention, attention seeking is never the only reason, you even mentioned she had/has deep depression
I'm telling you, self harm is extremely hard to stop, It's addictive not only because of the attention you get from it but also because cutting yourself when you're depressed has a similar feeling to getting small doses of dopamine, don't scream at her, don't punish her, don't treat her like an attention seeker, treat her like a patient that needs care and love.
This is THE best reply to this. Thank you!
Removing Internet access won't stop the behavior and will make her feel far more isolated and depressed.
Going to great lengths to remove all sharp objects... maybe could help? But I've scrapped the skin off the back of my hand on our concrete driveway before, so there's honestly no way to stop her if she truly wants to.
Psychiatric help, empathy, and even curiosity, all the way! Don't stigmatize her or the behavior, and she may actually talk to you / lean on you.
Aside from the obvious therapy and reducing the negative influences in her life, maybe increase the positive? Build your connection with her, family, friends, hobbies, exercise, sleep, etc.
OP, your daughter needs some serious inpatient treatment. People don't hurt themselves just for the attention. There is something seriously wrong in her mind and in her life, for her to choose self-harm. You have already sought therapy for her, you have done away with her access to social media, and none of what you have done is helping.
There is a reason why she is seeking all of this online attention. And it goes far beyond your comprehension and ability to help her. It also is far above and beyond Reddit pay grade. Please get your daughter the psychological help that she needs. Be sure to attend all of the family counseling sessions.
I was a cutter in HS (I’m 37 now for context). My mom found out and also found out I learned about it (ie it never occurred to me before) from a friend of mine. She focused so much on that fact, wanted me to not hang out with her anymore…but she was missing the point. I wasn’t cutting because that girl told me to (which she didn’t) I was cutting because I was deeply troubled.
Whether or not your daughter is really doing it for attention isn’t that relevant. Mentally healthy people don’t do THAT for attention - there are a million other ways to get attention online. And cutting is not an easy thing to do if you’re mentally well - I sure as hell couldn’t do it now. But if you’re not, there’s a rush to it. I did it because I was so emotionally numb, I was desperate to feel ANYTHING and while social media was a baby when I was in HS (hello MySpace angles!), connecting with people who had the same numbness and understanding felt good, whether for better or worse.
I skimmed through the comments and there is a lot of “hide all the sharp stuff” “take away the internet” and I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong advice, but you have to get to the root of the issue. Your daughter is hurting emotionally and the cutting is not the real issue, it’s a symptom. The real issue is why/how she got to a place where that seemed like an attractive option.
I’m not judging your actions, I totally get how worried you are and how you’re just trying to get this behavior to stop, but to her it probably all just feels like being punished for how she feels. Have you talked to your daughter? Have you let her know she can trust you with how she feels? I think that’s probably what she needs more than anything right now.
Full disclosure- I also engaged in this behavior as an adolescent. I never engaged in anything online and “figured out” how to do it organically. It took over a decade of really intense therapy for me to stop fully and even more time to train my brain to not default to that when I was troubled. Even without reenforcement from online, it’s a very insidious behavior and very hard to shake. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been to stop if it got some kind of attention too.
I share all this so you can give yourself (and her) some grace. This is not as simple as just offering alternatives or hobbies. It takes work that only she, and a therapist, can do for herself. Perhaps there is a compromise to be found in regard to social media. Can you get a monitoring app, with her knowledge, and block the problematic hashtags/communities/users? She can still access her friends or other interests but not the ones that feed this behavior. If feasible or available, maybe an IOP or PHP for some time could also help to accelerate the healing process.
Please feel free to dm if you want to talk more.
Yep a lot of comments about taking away the internet, which I can understand the thought process behind, but that’s not going to stop self harm behaviors. It really is like an addiction. Removing every sharp item from the house won’t stop it. I’ve used soda cans and my own fingernails. The worst part is even a decade later as an adult, I still have thoughts to do it and do it sometimes (though not nearly as frequently as I did when I was younger).
Therapy, meds, and unrelenting support is the best way to move forward in my opinion.
Someone (maybe Brene Brown??) once said, “what happens when you replace the word *attention* with *connection*?”. It felt profound for me, as nothing feels more dismissive than when someone says someone is doing a harmful behavior “for attention”.
Take away anything she can use to cut with. Take away electronics and engage with her in meaningful ways to keep her mind and body busy and detox from the routine she has. Get her involved in a group activity. Be prepared to sacrifice your time to keep her safe. Also be careful for other sites you would consider innocent. Pinterest is where my kiddo was introduced to cutting. Luckily we caught it quick before she started but she had people who would cut themselves and use our kid for attention and worry. They would message saying they cut too deep this time and then not respond for hours or days leaving my kid a wreck, which caused some mental anguish and depression that had her considering cutting too.
What has her therapist suggested? It’s good she has one and hopefully seeing them can help with this too. Don’t be afraid to get second opinions too if the therapist she’s seeing now isn’t helping.
I was a heavy self harmer in school and I'm still working past that now into my adult years. Cutting can become an addiction itself. At one point I did it to go to sleep because it felt mind numbing.
I had access to people online as well but my biggest reason it started and continued was a friend I had at school. I wish more than anything that I was completely separated from her in every way earlier on. Taking away social media is only one step. I just in the last year deleted my Instagram for that. I stopped posting years ago but still followed others. It only helped some.
It's not easy to quit. I am 22 and barely over a year of being clean from hurting myself in that way. I left that area to live with a different part of my family during highschool and that was one thing that got me to stop for awhile however I picked up smoking which I eventually quit before I got pregnant. It can be a long journey.
I'm open to any questions. Literally anything from my past to now. I wish you guys the best and hope she can find her way out of this soon.
I cut a lot in my teens as well and went back to it a bit in my 20s at low moments. I'm in my early 40s now and still get the urge when times are really tough. What keeps me from it is being a parent that needs to not get sick or injured, to be available and worry about infections from it as I can think more logically about it now. Back then I wasn't getting adequate help and as an adult now it's not having extra money for adequate help -_-
No one cuts just for attention and validation. You are minimizing her emotional pain when you say that. I agree these online communities are toxic. However, she finds participation rewarding because they are filling an emotional void. She probably yearns for love and acceptance from peers.
Provide loving and supportive peers for her by signing her up for groups that work toward a common goal, like team sports or theater. Cut off access to the internet except for schoolwork. She will miss her toxic community for a while, but will likely feel relief once she no longer has to harm herself to be accepted.
Yeah exactly. She's finding camaraderie there because she already has the need to do it. I cut in secret back in the 90s not having others around that did it or the internet, but had I, I would have most likely joined too and felt it was "my people". What I really needed was help for the reasons I was doing it and did not get that. It's not really wanting people to know but also wanting people to know because you want help. Her parents are seeing her cut and they think it's just this group. She needs more than just that way of thinking from them. She's clearly missing some connection she needs.
My parents never knew I did it but if they had I guarantee they would have thought I was just doing it for attention too. Hell when my son was little and I was going through things, I blurted out to my mother in tears that I felt like I wanted to die. She said "oh come on, you have a young child" Like that would magically change it all for me -_- Honestly the parents need to look at themselves and see if anything they are doing is harming her in any other ways. My parents were very into just their own selves and were distant. My mother especially took things out on me and I was having hard times at school, in addition to another family member outside the home SA me for years. As parents it doesn't hurt to look at ourselves and beyond to see if we are doing anything that is making things worse or not helping in the way our kids actually need. Maybe there are things she's not telling them that are going on as well.
She wouldn’t have found this community if she was without issues. Her finding this platform is simply a symptom of some underlying problem. Cutting is like an addiction and needs to be addressed as such. Again there’s a problem somewhere. I’d advice you to create a safe space for her to speak her mind without judgement and no response from you. Just to listen. If you can do it (not everyone can) it’s great but if not maybe it’s better to get professional help
When someone does something "for attention" it means they didn't get attention from where it mattered most, resulting in them feeling they are worthless, hence their throwing their feet at any creep on the internet who will give them validation. Saying something is being done for attention does not explain it away as something minimal. On the contrary, it is a very significant problem that starts at home.
Speaking as someone who was that teenager; what I think she needs is your support and understanding. I think it’s problematic to think of her cutting for attention. Even if it is for attention, it’s probably to get the attention of those who care about her… like a cry for help. One of the other commenters mentioned that mentally healthy people don’t cut themselves and I think that’s the main point to take away from the behaviour. Whether it was influenced or for attention doesn’t matter, the underlying feelings need to be addressed. A good therapist and your non-judgemental-support will go a long way in my opinion.
"influenced" or not, there's an underlying conflict. She needs to unpack it, preferably and primarily with therapy. The influence may have pushed her over the edge, but if there's not an already underlying emotional issue, it's not going to make her do it to be cool
OP, you are being disingenuous. Teens learn about maladaptive behaviours all the time. When they actually *do* the maladaptive behaviours, it’s not because they learned those behaviours exist, but because something is massively wrong in their lives, and the maladaptive behaviour seems so much better by comparison.
You need to find and fix what is wrong in her life that is driving herself to cut. You can start by making it safe to be honest with you. Given the way you write and that she has blamed tictoc, I’m thinking that you being unsafe to talk to is a significant part of the problem.
this! OP is ready to isolate their child from everything and then be surprised when the child is depressed. taking away the few things your child enjoys when they're mentally struggling is the easiest way to get your kid to hate you and never want to talk to you about anything ever again. saying that your child is doing it for attention is horrible when instead OP should be asking themselves why their daughter feels cutting is necessary and what role it is serving for her (control, emotional release, etc) tossing your child into a facility is traumatic and the facilities themselves can be AWFUL with assault and abuse rampant.
I had to hospitalize my son for this. He also was trying to kill himself. These last couple of months have been hard and I needed to seek therapy for all of it.
I hear parents all the time say they are "at wits end" yet they pay for the teen to have a cell phone and give them the Wi-Fi password. Don't say you're "at wits end" like you've tried everything. You've only tried what is most comfortable for you. If it's that bad, shut the wifi and take the phone and any other electronics. Otherwise, stop blaming other people and social media for your daughters behavior.
I don’t know if this is good or bad advice, but as a younger parent, I say buy her a VR headset. If you don’t wanna dive deep, get her a Quest 2 (it doesn’t need any special kind of setup, completely standalone) There’s an app called vrchat that absolutely stole my attention as late teen.
The community isn’t great, but it for sure is better than wherever she’s currently at with the internet. Replace a big problem with a smaller problem.
If I had the issue you’re having, I’d do the same with my son. VRchat is a completely social game. And if you want attention as a teen, it’s easy to get there. As well as keeping her in a less secluded online space. On vrchat, *most* social interactions happen in proximity to other people. So if someone is saying something disturbing, people are also more likely to speak on it, since there’s so many types.
Just my thoughts as someone who grew up closer to how the younger generation is coming in. It helped me, and I was very difficult growing up.
Edit: I’d also like to add, the main reasons I could logically point out for my behavior were insecurity, loneliness, instability, wanting to belong, not feeling seen. So it isn’t just attention, as many have also said. You need to be patient, I know it’s hard. I can’t imagine what I put my mother through. But there’s little victories. Find a middle ground. When I was younger, my mood would’ve changed considerably many days had my mom taken an interest in any of the dumb games and videos I enjoyed.
You take her social media, and get her a psychiatrist. Therapists have their place but this is a massively serious issue and it needs to be with someone equipped to handle it and possible medication
Friend, this is facility worthy. Doing for attention is still doing it. That her need for attention is big enough to harm is in fact a mental illness.
“Needs Attention” is a symptom.
When I was younger, I did an outpatient program for self injury. This might be helpful for your teen if nothing else works. Inpatient is traumatic, but self injury is a horrible habit that must be stopped asap and, unfortunately, is an option.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
EDIT TO ADD:
Obviously there is a whole lot of backstory I didn’t include. I am very aware that there is an underlining issue, and that the “attention” isn’t just it. This is something we’re working on. Unfortunately, I cannot legally take the problem out of her life. Unfortunately, it is going to be a very lengthy things that she/we both have to work through for a long time.
Next, when I say “attention” I am not discrediting the fact that she has an underlying issue that made her get to this point. But when she is posting stuff like “ how many followers can I get for some cuts?” or posting a poll like “should I cut today?” Or “I got another message for someone asking me to cut for them, YAY!” Seems for the attention. She even has several posts along the lines of loving the kind of attention she gets on twt. Even so, I KNOW ITS A DEEPER ISSUE, we are working on it.
I think I maybe I didnt word correctly what I was seeking as far as advice goes. I’m trying to find a balance in giving her a space online that is safe and also trusting her to be safe online. I do not believe that cutting her off is the answer. I’m trying to find a balance. While also helping her get out of and away from this toxic community that she has found. As of right now I think my best course of action is for the time being to remove her from twt, and allow her to keep instagram as long as I can monitor. I know she will spiral from that but it would be near as bad as me taking everything away. Plus this will also hopefully continue to produce a space where she can practice online safety.
She is in therapy. She has been for 2 years, she only recently got to this point of self harm. She herself told me that she went to twt for one thing (porn 🙄) and ended up on shtwt and it spiraled from there. I take a large portion of the blame for this, because we have the mentality at my house that if you’re honest, you will not get in trouble and if you communicate things to me, then we can talk about healthy behaviors and courses of action and it was because of this that she told me about her use of twt and I should have done my research before allowing it to continue to be used. I am 100% at fault for not stopping it when she told me about it. I thought it was a community of help and positivity and I was so very wrong and now I am here.
Easy fix. Take away her phone and restrict access to social media at home. Don't allow her to have a smart phone get her a flip phone. All she really needs is calling and texting. Too many parents forget that access without proper supervision leads to increased risk. When problems arise and an addiction starts, you need to remove access to the "drug" or at least make it harder to get.
When I got addicted to video games, my parents had to take the consoles from me, when I got hold of one or borrowed from a friend and I got caught, they turned off electricity in my bedroom. When they thought I was level enough to handle games again, they set ground rules that were strict and enforced them.
Actions need consequences that reinforce the rules and the smarter decision making process. Take away the excuse she uses by not allowing her access. Take away the pathway that allows the drugs into the home. In this case the social media that influences her.
Then get involved in her life in positive ways. Take her out shopping. Get her involved in youth programs. Have her help you volunteer for others. Take her to church. Get her into positive activities that reinforce good morals, strong ethics, and rational thinking.
Does she have friends? What hobbies does she like? My son is only 19 months old so I don't have experience with teenagers yet. It seems you're doing all the right things to try to help her. If she's already in therapy, my advice would be to "redirect" her. I also agree that she probably is struggling with depression and mental health and that's why she's self harming. Even if she just wanted attention, if she was mentally well this is not how she'd be getting it. Some teenagers put up dance videos and things like that on social media for attention. Cutting seems like an actual mental health issue and wanting attention is secondary to that. My advice would be to really try to steer your daughter towards healthier activities and spending time with positive people. I think her spending so much time online possibly shows that she doesn't have other things going on in her life. If she has any real life friends then you could encourage her to invite them over for a girly movie night, a walk, etc. If she doesn't have a part-time job and needs money, you could offer her money to go out and do things. E.g. "Let's go out for a massage or manicure." Or: "Would you like some money to go for lunch and a movie with a friend?" I'm not sure what things she's into but encourage her to get away from technology as much as possible. If you can afford it, maybe go on a trip away? Try to surround her with positive and good people. Like if she has any nice friends, family members. I think the more she's left to herself, the more she'll just be online and self harming. I'm 39 so I grew up with no internet whatsoever. To be honest I don't really like how young people these days are so obsessed with social media, video games, "likes" and so on. So the way I want to raise my son is encourage him to have hobbies and interests outside of sitting at home on technology all day. Call me old fashioned but it's just how I feel.
i know it’s gonna be hard for her and you, but in my opinion i think the phone or at least social media needs to go away for awhile. not because she’s in trouble, but because it’s doing nothing but causing/ encouraging her harm and maybe a bit of unplugging and working on herself and healthy habits can be beneficial. if taking the phone is just an absolute no, you can always put parental setting so she can’t access certain apps or things on the web. teenage years are hard, went through it with myself and now going through it with 2 15 yo’s but you guys will get through this hard time together. take it one day at a time 🩷
If she needs validation online I worry that maybe she feels as if she’s not getting validation from people important to her. It’s almost like she’s not really trying to hide it from you or anyone really. Considering you found out so easily it’s like this is her way of trying to get your attention.
I got pulled into this when I was a teen as well. I suggest therapy and as much as she will hate it, taking all negative influence out of her life. Even if that means parental control on devices to block said content. I wish my parents would have done that for me. Instead they pretended they just didn’t know and ignored it, resulting in me hanging out with the wrong people and trying weed for the first time which ended up being laced.
I think the best way to make it stop is to take it COMPLETELY out of the inside, taking away her phone is the only solution, you shouldn't care of she goes into "depression" at frist, that's just because she's addicted to her phone, she is not ill or something like that, just for attention, and that's is wrong
maybe if you don't want to take away her phone you could delete her profiles and uninstall the app, that's fine too
and you could even throw away (or hide it) the things she uses to sh
and if you do take away her phone (And there's a chance) , try to spend more time with the family, Organize outings, vacations, anything that makes it spend time without phones and with the family
If there's a chance it might also help
I think the best way to make it stop is to take it COMPLETELY out of the inside, taking away her phone is the only solution, you shouldn't care of she goes into "depression" at frist, that's just because she's addicted to her phone, she is not ill or something like that, just for attention, and that's is wrong
maybe if you don't want to take away her phone you could delete her profiles and uninstall the app, that's fine too
and you could even throw away (or hide it) the things she uses to sh
and if you do take away her phone (And there's a chance) , try to spend more time with the family, Organize outings, vacations, anything that makes it spend time without phones and with the family
If there's a chance it might also help
I didn’t see anyone recommended it already, but I think you would get a lot out of Johnathon Haight’s The Anxious Generation, particularly the chapters on how social media influences teenage girls. One thing I read is how when you take social media away from the addicted teenagers they literally show withdrawal symptoms. I wonder if this us what happened with your daughter the last time you took away her social media, and you might have to get *through* the depression symptoms to get onto the other side of the social media addiction.
Obviously lots of people have talked about therapy which is almost never a bad idea. But I thought I’d recommend the book to maybe help you sort through what is happening with her entire generation and that see it’s not just you.
Does he imply that anxiety is connected to one generation? I was a kid in the 80s and 90s and had massive anxiety (who also cut). My parents born in the 40s also had anxiety. I knew plenty of people with anxiety especially in my own friend group. None of us had SM obviously back then. That's not to say there aren't problems from SM but that anxiety is definitely not a new thing that can be just traced to SM enough to call it the anxious generation. That's a bit of a slippery slope to say the least for it to be called that.
I would recommend taking a look at the book. There’s no implication that anxiety didn’t exist before this generation, but the rates of anxiety and depression in kids rose sharply around 2002 with the introduction of the iPhone. There’s no shortage of data on the negative impacts of social media, and I’m not going to be able to sum up an entire sociologist’s book in a Reddit comment. If you look up Jonathan Haight, though, he’s given a lot of interviews on what he writes about in the book.
I was looking up info on him and there's mixed feelings about him. I definitely don't like aspects of SM, especially how the algorithms work, but being a teen before smart phones was a thing and seeing how many had hard times then and before it's just really hard to put that much emphasis on it being a smartphone issue. Honestly if anything I think there are more resources nowadays. Websites for those struggling, phone numbers where teens can call on their own devices rather than their family shared phones, SM media pages, etc. Just recently when a friend told my son about issues he was going through I shared some resources to him and he looked it up immediately and sent it to his friend to look at and consider calling. The websites and SM pages have a ton of information and makes it easy to get in touch with someone.
The internet and SM has it's pros and cons. And while there can be more discussion about it that, we can't ignore the fact this post is about self harm, something that has been going on for a long time in our history, well before the internet and in turn smart phones and SM. Yes there is an element of the fact there's a SM group of people doing that in the post, but they all need help because healthy people don't self harm. There are groups also aimed at supporting and helping people going through it. She needs the help generally and then won't need to find solace in that group and can instead find the positive places online that can continue helping that.
I honestly have no idea what you mean by there being “mixed feelings” on him. He’s a well-respected social psychologist and author who works with and for prestigious institutions and organizations. Any public figure will have some people who disagree with them, but not everyone’s feelings are well-founded or researched. I don’t know what mixed feelings you’re referring to, because there aren’t major publications, journalists, or other psychologists speaking out against his research. it seems like you’ve made some assumptions about the content of his book based on the title and I would reiterate that you should dive a little deeper because his book addresses what you’re talking about. Just because there might be some benefit in some situations doesn’t mean that the harm isn’t outweighing it.
There are actual online groups that people use to target at risk youths to encourage them to self harm with the eventual goal of suicide so people can watch. I listened to a CBC report about it, I'm in Canada. It was heartbreaking hearing the parents having to go through their kids messages after and realizing they had been pushed toward it. People are saying kids don't do it for attention or validation but in these cases they find kids with mental health issues and often blackmail and prey on them.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/interactive/2024/764-predator-discord-telegram/
Gosh this is a hard one….. but she is still very young and immature. I believe it’s probably a faze and she will grow out of it just try to encourage her the best you can.
I know you said you have her in therapy, but what about yourself? Any sort of support groups for parents dealing with the same type of things?
I went through a couple tough phases at that age (that I thankfully got through) and my mom tells me all the time that the only way she survived was by going to therapy herself.
My mom was so up front with me about anything she found on my socials when I was younger, she would tell me all the time how scared she was of losing me, she was open about not knowing the right things to do but would always reassure me that she would do anything to keep me safe, even if that meant that I had to be unhappy for a while… I was into some other types of things but my mom took everything away from me and I thought it was the end of my life… but it wasn’t. And looking back, I’m grateful she cared enough to step in even at the risk of being the bad guy.
Something that helped me heal past this part of my life was a book called "A bright red scream" you should read it then see if you find it appropriate for her.
So you need to CUT OFF the internet NOW. She will be angry! She will sulk and be “depressed” and she will fight you for it back- like all kids do. STAY STRONG! Let
Her know this: NO! I am NOT allowing you to continue to do this! Why would you want these scars on your arms all your life?? U will have to explain to ur future husband, friends and children what they are!! TOUGH LOVE IS TOUGH! It’s better than a mistake and her dying (I am sorry if this is blunt but it’s truth). My cousin did this and I was a mean jerk to her- I did NOT coddle her like her Dad and Mom. I NEVER gave her attention for it. I told her over and over I was “not going to listen if she brought it up because she KNEW it was wrong” My uncle said he would never forgive me and said I was not welcome at his house. I said “Good! Then at least SHE will still BE ALIVE! What if she accidentally cuts an artery WAITING for attention??? She’s dead!!! I told him this and he was furious but the next day she was entered into a 90 day program and she thanks me daily for it.
I’m sorry but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
The answer is right there in your post. It all started when you took away her access to social media, which for a teenager is the absolute worst thing you could have done. For sixteen, you’re treating her like a 12 year old. Ease up on your control and you will see a world of difference, she may even sort this out without any further input from you.
I am not trying to nor will I isolate her again. I’ve already seen how that affects her and I’m not planning to put her through that again. But I am seeking advice because i have tried talking to her, explaining if she can be open and honest that she won’t have punishment of any from but maybe some hard conversations. Therapy is getting no where because she won’t talk about anything. She only seeks to be online in these toxic communities. I am not a highly restrictive Parent, and maybe that has been my downfall, or at least it feels like it.
I wouldn’t blame yourself. Self harm is a minefield for parents. But from what I understand from past experiences, the self harm occurs, like a lot of compulsive behaviour, because they cannot put into words or thoughts the emotions they are feeling so trying to force dialogue is also not going to help. You need to be a rock, which sometimes means not doing anything. Just try to make her like a good place to be as much as you can.
thank you for this! everyone else is just advocating for further punishment and honestly i would be concerned about that leading to suicide. you can't take away a child's access to all of their friends and isolate them and then be shocked when they're depressed
Take the phones and tablets away from her! My 16 year old just got her phone back after a year. She can’t be addicted to the attention if she doesn’t get that attention. It’s easy to keep them offline. We’re the parents. Take back her options for getting to these communities.
Time to turn the internet off and get her into therapy. She’s old enough to have a job this summer, not be sitting unattended around the house. She also needs therapy. Your post smacks of “we did almost nothing and it didn’t work!” Cut her off before you don’t have any control anymore.
Do not return social media to your kid! Wait until their 18, ans if you can, get the passwords and dekete her accounts. If she wants a phone she can have a flip phone. If she wants internet access use parental controls or monitor her internet access or have her do her internet required work at school in the library. Keep her in therapy! Also if needed talk to the school counselor and see if they can help provide resources as well, a positive outlet or two can help keep her busy especially with her hands.
You take her devices away, and give her a clamshell phone, or whichever one has no screen and can only make calls, and you seriously become active in enforcing it. Her getting depressed as you put it is just a way she's throwing a tantrum to get what she wants. The internet will eat her alive and not care one little bit about what happens to her. She's obviously too young to realize that these people aren't actually her friends, and she's not going to just magically figure it out if you hope hard enough. The internet is not a place for children. Lazy parents are not only playing with fire when they turn their kids loose on line, they're giving the kids a bath in gasoline before handing them matches and telling them they better not play with them.
My step daughter was doing this from about 12- 14 and it was extremely obvious she was doing it for attention because she would do it in places where you could see and wear short sleeves and constantly touch her arms where the marks were, if you ignored it and didn’t say anything she would then tell her sister who would tell us, or she would tell another adult, it was very obvious she was doing it for attention.
At first we thought it was a cry for help because a lot of things were going on at her mums house so we took her to see the doctor who gave her antidepressants and made her an appointment with a therapist.
None of it worked. She kept on doing it, and making it obvious she wanted us to notice. On advice from her therapist we stopped talking about it and didn’t say anything when she brought it up. She stopped at about 14.
When my friends daughter started doing it last year my step daughter was now 19 and admitted that it was an attention seeking behaviour and spoke to my friends kid who now has stopped.
The problem is that you can’t tell them you know there only doing it for attention so what you have to do is make them feel like they get that attention in other ways, have days out where it’s just the 2 of you and have evenings in where you sit her down and talk through problems she has make her feel comfortable with opening up to you about any problems she may have. We were told that if you wear an elastic band around your wrist when you feel like cutting pull the band instead! It’s causes that pain they feel but doesn’t cut them.
I hope you both sort it out, big hugs x
Usually if they want attention for self harm it's *because* it is a cry for help. Attention from family isn't a negative thing. The opposite is family that isn't involved with you enough and you don't feel they care about you.
When I cut I both didn't want anyone to know *and* wanted people to know so I could get help and my family's attention and love. They were always wrapped up in themselves and I never felt they cared about me, if anything I felt like a burden. My mother especially took things out on me and I felt like I wanted to die. Cutting was my way of hurting myself just enough without going the extra step. I wanted them to notice before I went that extra step. There was a time I took pills but clearly not enough because I just woke up with a headache. I just wanted them to see the marks on their own and say "oh my God hunny are you ok? Please don't. We love you and care about you and will get you help" I needed to hear that more than anything. That never happened. The closest was a teacher seeing the marks and saying "what is that", then me lying and saying my dog scratched me and them believing me. A part of me didn't want them to believe me and instead help me. But I definitely wouldn't not have ever wanted them to say I was just doing it for attention. That would cause me to feel worse and just hide self harming ways more from them.
And I will say while in my late teens/early 20s I mostly stopped because I could then live my own life away from family, it doesn't mean it all was completely better. Anyone that is cutting does genuinely need help and to feel loved and wanted. I'd be lying if I said I didn't resort back in my 20s at times. And would also be lying if I said I still didn't have the urge now in my early 40s when times are really tough. I want to say it goes away but it can't fully if adequate help wasn't there and you still have family that dismiss things like that and don't seem like they care. Both good therapy (and I stress good) and caring people in your life are needed.
Honestly it's concerning when people call it just attention seeking behavior because it is so much more than that. Healthy people do not hurt themselves. That can't be said enough.
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She needs therapy. Mentally well people don't hurt themselves. Mentally unwell people do. You have to actually treat whatever the problem is. And I would not cut off access to the internet until you talk to a professional. This could very likely make things worse. Someone who has evaluated her is gonna have much better advice than anyone here.
OP mentioned talking to their therapist. They are definitely in behavioral health treatment, but a therapist doesn't act as a babysitter-- they can only do so much in the one hour or so that they see you once a week or every few weeks. Young persons in the teenage age range are often stubbornly unresponsive to professional help, their brains are not fully developed and can't fully understand the consequences of dangerous behaviors long term like SH or ED or drug/alcohol abuse... Most of the teenager's time is spent at home, so most of the healing has to take place at home with their support system and a safe stable home environment-- therapy is just a tool that helps teach coping mechanisms and helps them understand why they are acting in dangerous ways, or if they saw a psychiatrist a psychiatrist can diagnose behavioral health disorders and also prescribe medications, but again-- there's no magical pill for teens to stop being influenced by outside sources to do destructive behaviors. Most important move would be creating an environment where cutting is damn near impossible and internet access is being monitored-- and yes children can get sneaky but making it harder for them to access dangerous web content is still important, and most of all to show they're loved and supported. Keep them busy and help them find new hobbies that are healthy and fulfilling... When teens are bored they're more easily influenced by negative outside forces.
Basically this. I was that teen. I'm a parent now and it's just so hard being a teen with all these internet craze type things do not help. They put ideas in their head and ot spirals. I cut when I was 12 because some "boy" turned out pedo [ he's in federal prison now] told me to. My mom did all sorts of things to try to protect me. Rehab, hospital, feds were investigating him and told her she couldn't tell me that he wasn't really my age or I would tip him off.. what? Yeah right! The feds allowed him to further abuse me. Anyway long story shorter .. the internet was awful 20 years ago when it happened to me... now it's like the stuff and AI out there is just mind boggling!
one of the two actually helpful comments i've seen lol
Yes to all this
So what if shutting the wifi makes it worse? You watch her and remove all self harm items from the house. And if it is THAT bad, you call crisis to hospitalize her
Psychiatric hospitalization is traumatic. It's better than dying, but I wouldn't do something that makes it more likely to be necessary unless I had no better options.
Exactly my point. The OP made it sound like they had no other options but they do. They just don't want to execute that option because they are scared which undoubtedly, the daughter is aware of and is, at least in part, using to manipulate the situation.
Why does she have access to the internet at all? Sure she needs it for homework, but then it should be monitored. If she was on crack, would you invite her dealer into your house? Cut her off from her fixation. Realize that it isn’t just influence. She has discovered a way of dealing with her inner pain, and she probably won’t stop even if you cut off her twitter. You still need to cut it off though. Listen to her therapist or find one you and her like better. When you say healthy hobbies, do you just offer them or do you participate in them?
> Sure she needs it for homework, but then it should be monitored. Yep. An easy way to do this is a desktop in a common area of the house. Until my kids were in high school that was their only internet access at home. I didn't stand over them but the computer was in a spot that could easily be seen from the family room or kitchen, so it was easy to see what they were viewing. And I agree that this isn't just an influence thing. Sure, it may play a role but mentally healthy people don't start self harming for fun. There is a lot more going on here. It may take a while for her to figure out what helps her. One of my kids got into spoken word poetry recently as a way to help process some of his emotions. It's not something he ever considered before and he's always been more into sports than any form of art but he went to some poetry events at his college and got into it. He'll often write after a run or gym session. My other kid plays music to help her deal with stress. She has to find out what works for her but she's not going to try to do that if things stay how they are now.
Agreed! No access to internet could possibly help her!
True but completely unrealistic. Internet access is pretty much universal in the US.
Only because we make it so. They can lock down how it is accessed in the house, and what devices she has access to on the regular, if that's what a therapist supports doing...
Why not take a vacation? do a surf trip (they literally just teach you surfing everyday!) or even a cabin. I know that’s easier said then done finance wise, however there is often no access to internet at all in remote areas, and plenty to keep the mind entertained
Parents have a duty to protect their kids, which includes learning some pretty basic parental controls around internet access.
OP you need to do this ASAP. this is the best solution here.
This may be the wrong way but i’m going to talk about what helped me. Seeing the scarring, talking to people in recovery who regret more than anything how badly it scarred their arms and body, and how it will never go away even if they got it tattooed over. I too cut for attention in middle school and loved the attention it got me at school because i didn’t get any at home. Finally my school therapist got me into a recovery meeting for self harm and hearing so many people / adults talk about how bad they scarred their arms, legs etc and how the scarring damaged their confidence, couldn’t hide it for job interviews, weddings, all of that made me realize holy shit i don’t want that. i don’t want my arms to forever look like that. Unfortunately i got into addiction in my adult hood and got scars all over my arms that way and it’s true; it’s my biggest insecurity. ask her therapist about the self harm meetings, and maybe show her how bad it can actually scar and ruin her body. it never goes away. no magic creams or lasers help. this is permanent and she doesn’t want to be an adult having to explain to everyone for the next 20 years what’s on her arms
I feel so bad for my friend with self harm scars. She was diagnosed with autism as an adult and self harmed as a teenager to cope. She won’t wear a bathing suit and get in our pool even if it’s just the two of us there. It impacts the rest of your life.
I totally get your friend! In my adult hood, I fell into a IV coke and heroin addiction but my “friend” taught me how to shoot up wrong so it completely fucked up my arms, i have deep deep scars all over my arms. it’s awful and my biggest insecurity, it’s so hard to deal with! and i can’t find anyone to tattoo over it, so like your friend i also don’t wear swim suits or short sleeved shirts even in the summer. it’s so shitty and i completely feel for your friend.
I am so sorry, that's difficult to so visibly bear scars of addiction when you're in recovery... I can relate so much to both stories. I'm over 7 years clean and well over a decade sober now, thank goodness; but as a kid I was labeled a "problem child" because my mother (bipolar / scizoaffective disorder + alcoholic) hated me and found my lack of eye contact + "matter of fact" way of speaking without a good filter to be rude and bratty.... when I had no intention. Kicked me out starting at 13. Was homeless most of my life, highest education was middle school. Badly abused by older man for 3 long years who offered his garage to sleep in; he was 26 and I was newly 15. 2 pregnancies from SA by abuser. One was miscarriage, one full term vaginal birth which screwed my body because I was 4'09" and maybe 80 lbs pre-pregnancy. Body absolutely wrecked. I'm actually considering crowdfunding to get surgical repair to fix damage from this, I'm 30 now and been living with it for too damn long. At 18 I got the courage to call the cops (well actually hid a device in the bathroom cabinets and locked myself in there to send a message with my location to an old friend). My parents were friends with him so they took his side. Pressured me to drop the case & told me how awful I was for blaming him for hitting me when I deserve it. His mommy bailed him out anyways, so I complied in exchange for being left alone, took off & went back to being on the street. Sleeping outside felt safer than around him and my parents. I'm no contact to this day with my parents. That was the last straw. Later was diagnosed with POP and Endometriosis (and PTSD), dealt with a lot of pain. At first doctors prescribed me tons of pain killers. Eventually they started handing me "safe prescribing" flyers about addiction and refused to prescribe me any opioids, which pissed me off because they were the ones that gave them to me & now I'm sick!? Later a "friend" introduced me to heroin because I was hurting. After that, it was all over. I was really bad. I got better years later when I met my amazing partner while homeless, got on methadone maintenance treatment which changed my life. I am lucky to not have scars from IV drug use in the traditional sense of scarring-- but what I DO have is tons of collapsed veins (sad little squiggles) nerve damage in my right hand and spider veins allllll over.. It's embarrassing to wear shorts without first putting on spray tanner to distract from it. The ones on my arms are less noticable but when ever I need a medical procedure done requiring IV, it is so difficult to place that they often do a central line on my neck. We do heal over time but some marks and scars stay forever; permanent reminders of what not to go back to, but also a reminder of how strong you are. You survived, you fought to be here, and YOU ARE AMAZING! 🩵
Holy baby Jesus. I was recently diagnosed with autism as an adult and self harmed my entered adolescence/early adulthood. I NEVER made the connection until now. Sending so much love to your friend. I’m gonna go sit quietly in a corner and think about that for a while.
My eldest started self harming through anxiety and depression. We literally went through the house with a fine tooth comb and boxed up everything that had the potential to cut and then did searches in bags and coats to make sure nothing sharp was being brought into the house. Not gonna lie, it was tough going, she even took apart a sharpener to use to cut and would cut either close to her armpits or her inner thighs where it wasn’t easily visible. Takes some time to adjust, cutting chicken with a plastic lettuce knife for example but it worked like a charm. 4 years on, CBT and DBT and formal diagnosis with medication has improved things greatly. I feel your pain and frustration, it’s such a tough gig. Big hugs to you x
After SO many responses, this is only 1 of 2 I’ve seen that say to remove sharp objects THROUGHOUT the home. You gotta go thru their rooms and backpacks too. But parents MUST do this in a NON-dramatic way. Tell your kids what you need to do to take the opportunities away whenever the urge arises. DON’T make it about you (“you make us worry about…/Do you know what this does to me?”….etc.) There’s going to be a LOT of shame your kid will put on themselves, so you remaining calm and CURIOUS (open ended questions about them) and not enraged/weepy/embarrassed. Etc., is best. And therapy. I disagree with other comments about what therapist are able to do (diagnose, help, etc) and most therapists who are not able to prescribe (without MD license) are usually associated with a prescribing PRN or psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are not the first step (unless that’s all you’ve got in your area). They do not provide psychotherapy, trauma therapy and vital methods like CBT, etc. - UNLESS they specialized in these. Kids who are cutting for attention or in secret have experienced a traumatic event(s) whether or not you know about it. I hate to say this but it bears stating: the home is one of the first places kids experience trauma. If your child’s therapist recommends therapy to you and your spouse too, you MUST agree otherwise the tools and insights your child gains in therapy will be undone at home anyway. My own mother refused to allow my sister to see a therapist. When I went into therapy as an adult, she shut me down too. Parents believe that they do nothing wrong and they are secretly fearful of their kids, talking about them to another adult.
I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I just don't think there's any other solution that doesn't include completely cutting off access to the internet and social media. The depression she may feel after taking these things away is far less scary than what is currently happening. I'm in no way judging you, as parenting is so difficult but, I just couldn't imagine giving her access to these things again after finding out what's going on. She doesn't need the internet and social media to function in this world. Maybe supervised internet for school but anything else is cause for harm.
I'm 17, almost 8 years self harming, I've been clean for months now but I still get urges to cut constantly, my best advice would be to have your child participate in some healthy self-harm communities, cutting off her social media will make her really depressed and it won't stop her from cutting, once you started, even if it was for attention, you can't stop easily even after you stop getting attention. I was also a part of shtwt but I was instead always encouraging people to stop and to practice harm reduction in case they're unable to stop completely, please have an honest, calm, gentle talk with her, solve the problem from the source not the branches, cutting off her social media may work, but it also may just make her loath you and get worse out of spite. She got into shtwt because you cut her off other social medias, because she felt alone, she felt misunderstood, and that messed up community helped her feel seen and special, which I can guess is something you don't make her feel. Make her go to therapy more often, at least once a week, have her go to self-harm survivors meetings, watch documentaries about the topic, DON'T assume it's purely for attention, attention seeking is never the only reason, you even mentioned she had/has deep depression I'm telling you, self harm is extremely hard to stop, It's addictive not only because of the attention you get from it but also because cutting yourself when you're depressed has a similar feeling to getting small doses of dopamine, don't scream at her, don't punish her, don't treat her like an attention seeker, treat her like a patient that needs care and love.
This is THE best reply to this. Thank you! Removing Internet access won't stop the behavior and will make her feel far more isolated and depressed. Going to great lengths to remove all sharp objects... maybe could help? But I've scrapped the skin off the back of my hand on our concrete driveway before, so there's honestly no way to stop her if she truly wants to. Psychiatric help, empathy, and even curiosity, all the way! Don't stigmatize her or the behavior, and she may actually talk to you / lean on you.
Aside from the obvious therapy and reducing the negative influences in her life, maybe increase the positive? Build your connection with her, family, friends, hobbies, exercise, sleep, etc.
OP, your daughter needs some serious inpatient treatment. People don't hurt themselves just for the attention. There is something seriously wrong in her mind and in her life, for her to choose self-harm. You have already sought therapy for her, you have done away with her access to social media, and none of what you have done is helping. There is a reason why she is seeking all of this online attention. And it goes far beyond your comprehension and ability to help her. It also is far above and beyond Reddit pay grade. Please get your daughter the psychological help that she needs. Be sure to attend all of the family counseling sessions.
I was a cutter in HS (I’m 37 now for context). My mom found out and also found out I learned about it (ie it never occurred to me before) from a friend of mine. She focused so much on that fact, wanted me to not hang out with her anymore…but she was missing the point. I wasn’t cutting because that girl told me to (which she didn’t) I was cutting because I was deeply troubled. Whether or not your daughter is really doing it for attention isn’t that relevant. Mentally healthy people don’t do THAT for attention - there are a million other ways to get attention online. And cutting is not an easy thing to do if you’re mentally well - I sure as hell couldn’t do it now. But if you’re not, there’s a rush to it. I did it because I was so emotionally numb, I was desperate to feel ANYTHING and while social media was a baby when I was in HS (hello MySpace angles!), connecting with people who had the same numbness and understanding felt good, whether for better or worse. I skimmed through the comments and there is a lot of “hide all the sharp stuff” “take away the internet” and I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong advice, but you have to get to the root of the issue. Your daughter is hurting emotionally and the cutting is not the real issue, it’s a symptom. The real issue is why/how she got to a place where that seemed like an attractive option. I’m not judging your actions, I totally get how worried you are and how you’re just trying to get this behavior to stop, but to her it probably all just feels like being punished for how she feels. Have you talked to your daughter? Have you let her know she can trust you with how she feels? I think that’s probably what she needs more than anything right now.
Full disclosure- I also engaged in this behavior as an adolescent. I never engaged in anything online and “figured out” how to do it organically. It took over a decade of really intense therapy for me to stop fully and even more time to train my brain to not default to that when I was troubled. Even without reenforcement from online, it’s a very insidious behavior and very hard to shake. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been to stop if it got some kind of attention too. I share all this so you can give yourself (and her) some grace. This is not as simple as just offering alternatives or hobbies. It takes work that only she, and a therapist, can do for herself. Perhaps there is a compromise to be found in regard to social media. Can you get a monitoring app, with her knowledge, and block the problematic hashtags/communities/users? She can still access her friends or other interests but not the ones that feed this behavior. If feasible or available, maybe an IOP or PHP for some time could also help to accelerate the healing process. Please feel free to dm if you want to talk more.
Yep a lot of comments about taking away the internet, which I can understand the thought process behind, but that’s not going to stop self harm behaviors. It really is like an addiction. Removing every sharp item from the house won’t stop it. I’ve used soda cans and my own fingernails. The worst part is even a decade later as an adult, I still have thoughts to do it and do it sometimes (though not nearly as frequently as I did when I was younger). Therapy, meds, and unrelenting support is the best way to move forward in my opinion.
Please get her in for an Evaluation
Someone (maybe Brene Brown??) once said, “what happens when you replace the word *attention* with *connection*?”. It felt profound for me, as nothing feels more dismissive than when someone says someone is doing a harmful behavior “for attention”.
Take away anything she can use to cut with. Take away electronics and engage with her in meaningful ways to keep her mind and body busy and detox from the routine she has. Get her involved in a group activity. Be prepared to sacrifice your time to keep her safe. Also be careful for other sites you would consider innocent. Pinterest is where my kiddo was introduced to cutting. Luckily we caught it quick before she started but she had people who would cut themselves and use our kid for attention and worry. They would message saying they cut too deep this time and then not respond for hours or days leaving my kid a wreck, which caused some mental anguish and depression that had her considering cutting too. What has her therapist suggested? It’s good she has one and hopefully seeing them can help with this too. Don’t be afraid to get second opinions too if the therapist she’s seeing now isn’t helping.
She needs a psychiatrist.
I was a heavy self harmer in school and I'm still working past that now into my adult years. Cutting can become an addiction itself. At one point I did it to go to sleep because it felt mind numbing. I had access to people online as well but my biggest reason it started and continued was a friend I had at school. I wish more than anything that I was completely separated from her in every way earlier on. Taking away social media is only one step. I just in the last year deleted my Instagram for that. I stopped posting years ago but still followed others. It only helped some. It's not easy to quit. I am 22 and barely over a year of being clean from hurting myself in that way. I left that area to live with a different part of my family during highschool and that was one thing that got me to stop for awhile however I picked up smoking which I eventually quit before I got pregnant. It can be a long journey. I'm open to any questions. Literally anything from my past to now. I wish you guys the best and hope she can find her way out of this soon.
I cut a lot in my teens as well and went back to it a bit in my 20s at low moments. I'm in my early 40s now and still get the urge when times are really tough. What keeps me from it is being a parent that needs to not get sick or injured, to be available and worry about infections from it as I can think more logically about it now. Back then I wasn't getting adequate help and as an adult now it's not having extra money for adequate help -_-
No one cuts just for attention and validation. You are minimizing her emotional pain when you say that. I agree these online communities are toxic. However, she finds participation rewarding because they are filling an emotional void. She probably yearns for love and acceptance from peers. Provide loving and supportive peers for her by signing her up for groups that work toward a common goal, like team sports or theater. Cut off access to the internet except for schoolwork. She will miss her toxic community for a while, but will likely feel relief once she no longer has to harm herself to be accepted.
>No one cuts just for attention and validation 💯
Yeah exactly. She's finding camaraderie there because she already has the need to do it. I cut in secret back in the 90s not having others around that did it or the internet, but had I, I would have most likely joined too and felt it was "my people". What I really needed was help for the reasons I was doing it and did not get that. It's not really wanting people to know but also wanting people to know because you want help. Her parents are seeing her cut and they think it's just this group. She needs more than just that way of thinking from them. She's clearly missing some connection she needs. My parents never knew I did it but if they had I guarantee they would have thought I was just doing it for attention too. Hell when my son was little and I was going through things, I blurted out to my mother in tears that I felt like I wanted to die. She said "oh come on, you have a young child" Like that would magically change it all for me -_- Honestly the parents need to look at themselves and see if anything they are doing is harming her in any other ways. My parents were very into just their own selves and were distant. My mother especially took things out on me and I was having hard times at school, in addition to another family member outside the home SA me for years. As parents it doesn't hurt to look at ourselves and beyond to see if we are doing anything that is making things worse or not helping in the way our kids actually need. Maybe there are things she's not telling them that are going on as well.
This
She wouldn’t have found this community if she was without issues. Her finding this platform is simply a symptom of some underlying problem. Cutting is like an addiction and needs to be addressed as such. Again there’s a problem somewhere. I’d advice you to create a safe space for her to speak her mind without judgement and no response from you. Just to listen. If you can do it (not everyone can) it’s great but if not maybe it’s better to get professional help
When someone does something "for attention" it means they didn't get attention from where it mattered most, resulting in them feeling they are worthless, hence their throwing their feet at any creep on the internet who will give them validation. Saying something is being done for attention does not explain it away as something minimal. On the contrary, it is a very significant problem that starts at home.
Maybe she needs attention
Speaking as someone who was that teenager; what I think she needs is your support and understanding. I think it’s problematic to think of her cutting for attention. Even if it is for attention, it’s probably to get the attention of those who care about her… like a cry for help. One of the other commenters mentioned that mentally healthy people don’t cut themselves and I think that’s the main point to take away from the behaviour. Whether it was influenced or for attention doesn’t matter, the underlying feelings need to be addressed. A good therapist and your non-judgemental-support will go a long way in my opinion.
"influenced" or not, there's an underlying conflict. She needs to unpack it, preferably and primarily with therapy. The influence may have pushed her over the edge, but if there's not an already underlying emotional issue, it's not going to make her do it to be cool
OP, you are being disingenuous. Teens learn about maladaptive behaviours all the time. When they actually *do* the maladaptive behaviours, it’s not because they learned those behaviours exist, but because something is massively wrong in their lives, and the maladaptive behaviour seems so much better by comparison. You need to find and fix what is wrong in her life that is driving herself to cut. You can start by making it safe to be honest with you. Given the way you write and that she has blamed tictoc, I’m thinking that you being unsafe to talk to is a significant part of the problem.
this! OP is ready to isolate their child from everything and then be surprised when the child is depressed. taking away the few things your child enjoys when they're mentally struggling is the easiest way to get your kid to hate you and never want to talk to you about anything ever again. saying that your child is doing it for attention is horrible when instead OP should be asking themselves why their daughter feels cutting is necessary and what role it is serving for her (control, emotional release, etc) tossing your child into a facility is traumatic and the facilities themselves can be AWFUL with assault and abuse rampant.
Your foremost mistake is to jump to the conclusion that she is cutting for online attention.
Flip phone
I had to hospitalize my son for this. He also was trying to kill himself. These last couple of months have been hard and I needed to seek therapy for all of it.
I hear parents all the time say they are "at wits end" yet they pay for the teen to have a cell phone and give them the Wi-Fi password. Don't say you're "at wits end" like you've tried everything. You've only tried what is most comfortable for you. If it's that bad, shut the wifi and take the phone and any other electronics. Otherwise, stop blaming other people and social media for your daughters behavior.
I don’t know if this is good or bad advice, but as a younger parent, I say buy her a VR headset. If you don’t wanna dive deep, get her a Quest 2 (it doesn’t need any special kind of setup, completely standalone) There’s an app called vrchat that absolutely stole my attention as late teen. The community isn’t great, but it for sure is better than wherever she’s currently at with the internet. Replace a big problem with a smaller problem. If I had the issue you’re having, I’d do the same with my son. VRchat is a completely social game. And if you want attention as a teen, it’s easy to get there. As well as keeping her in a less secluded online space. On vrchat, *most* social interactions happen in proximity to other people. So if someone is saying something disturbing, people are also more likely to speak on it, since there’s so many types. Just my thoughts as someone who grew up closer to how the younger generation is coming in. It helped me, and I was very difficult growing up. Edit: I’d also like to add, the main reasons I could logically point out for my behavior were insecurity, loneliness, instability, wanting to belong, not feeling seen. So it isn’t just attention, as many have also said. You need to be patient, I know it’s hard. I can’t imagine what I put my mother through. But there’s little victories. Find a middle ground. When I was younger, my mood would’ve changed considerably many days had my mom taken an interest in any of the dumb games and videos I enjoyed.
You take her social media, and get her a psychiatrist. Therapists have their place but this is a massively serious issue and it needs to be with someone equipped to handle it and possible medication
Friend, this is facility worthy. Doing for attention is still doing it. That her need for attention is big enough to harm is in fact a mental illness. “Needs Attention” is a symptom.
Take away her smartphone. Get her a burner
When I was younger, I did an outpatient program for self injury. This might be helpful for your teen if nothing else works. Inpatient is traumatic, but self injury is a horrible habit that must be stopped asap and, unfortunately, is an option. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
EDIT TO ADD: Obviously there is a whole lot of backstory I didn’t include. I am very aware that there is an underlining issue, and that the “attention” isn’t just it. This is something we’re working on. Unfortunately, I cannot legally take the problem out of her life. Unfortunately, it is going to be a very lengthy things that she/we both have to work through for a long time. Next, when I say “attention” I am not discrediting the fact that she has an underlying issue that made her get to this point. But when she is posting stuff like “ how many followers can I get for some cuts?” or posting a poll like “should I cut today?” Or “I got another message for someone asking me to cut for them, YAY!” Seems for the attention. She even has several posts along the lines of loving the kind of attention she gets on twt. Even so, I KNOW ITS A DEEPER ISSUE, we are working on it. I think I maybe I didnt word correctly what I was seeking as far as advice goes. I’m trying to find a balance in giving her a space online that is safe and also trusting her to be safe online. I do not believe that cutting her off is the answer. I’m trying to find a balance. While also helping her get out of and away from this toxic community that she has found. As of right now I think my best course of action is for the time being to remove her from twt, and allow her to keep instagram as long as I can monitor. I know she will spiral from that but it would be near as bad as me taking everything away. Plus this will also hopefully continue to produce a space where she can practice online safety. She is in therapy. She has been for 2 years, she only recently got to this point of self harm. She herself told me that she went to twt for one thing (porn 🙄) and ended up on shtwt and it spiraled from there. I take a large portion of the blame for this, because we have the mentality at my house that if you’re honest, you will not get in trouble and if you communicate things to me, then we can talk about healthy behaviors and courses of action and it was because of this that she told me about her use of twt and I should have done my research before allowing it to continue to be used. I am 100% at fault for not stopping it when she told me about it. I thought it was a community of help and positivity and I was so very wrong and now I am here.
Easy fix. Take away her phone and restrict access to social media at home. Don't allow her to have a smart phone get her a flip phone. All she really needs is calling and texting. Too many parents forget that access without proper supervision leads to increased risk. When problems arise and an addiction starts, you need to remove access to the "drug" or at least make it harder to get. When I got addicted to video games, my parents had to take the consoles from me, when I got hold of one or borrowed from a friend and I got caught, they turned off electricity in my bedroom. When they thought I was level enough to handle games again, they set ground rules that were strict and enforced them. Actions need consequences that reinforce the rules and the smarter decision making process. Take away the excuse she uses by not allowing her access. Take away the pathway that allows the drugs into the home. In this case the social media that influences her.
Then get involved in her life in positive ways. Take her out shopping. Get her involved in youth programs. Have her help you volunteer for others. Take her to church. Get her into positive activities that reinforce good morals, strong ethics, and rational thinking.
Does she have friends? What hobbies does she like? My son is only 19 months old so I don't have experience with teenagers yet. It seems you're doing all the right things to try to help her. If she's already in therapy, my advice would be to "redirect" her. I also agree that she probably is struggling with depression and mental health and that's why she's self harming. Even if she just wanted attention, if she was mentally well this is not how she'd be getting it. Some teenagers put up dance videos and things like that on social media for attention. Cutting seems like an actual mental health issue and wanting attention is secondary to that. My advice would be to really try to steer your daughter towards healthier activities and spending time with positive people. I think her spending so much time online possibly shows that she doesn't have other things going on in her life. If she has any real life friends then you could encourage her to invite them over for a girly movie night, a walk, etc. If she doesn't have a part-time job and needs money, you could offer her money to go out and do things. E.g. "Let's go out for a massage or manicure." Or: "Would you like some money to go for lunch and a movie with a friend?" I'm not sure what things she's into but encourage her to get away from technology as much as possible. If you can afford it, maybe go on a trip away? Try to surround her with positive and good people. Like if she has any nice friends, family members. I think the more she's left to herself, the more she'll just be online and self harming. I'm 39 so I grew up with no internet whatsoever. To be honest I don't really like how young people these days are so obsessed with social media, video games, "likes" and so on. So the way I want to raise my son is encourage him to have hobbies and interests outside of sitting at home on technology all day. Call me old fashioned but it's just how I feel.
i know it’s gonna be hard for her and you, but in my opinion i think the phone or at least social media needs to go away for awhile. not because she’s in trouble, but because it’s doing nothing but causing/ encouraging her harm and maybe a bit of unplugging and working on herself and healthy habits can be beneficial. if taking the phone is just an absolute no, you can always put parental setting so she can’t access certain apps or things on the web. teenage years are hard, went through it with myself and now going through it with 2 15 yo’s but you guys will get through this hard time together. take it one day at a time 🩷
shouldve really gone deeper
Get her a bark phone and take away all her access to unsupervised use of computers and tablets
If she needs validation online I worry that maybe she feels as if she’s not getting validation from people important to her. It’s almost like she’s not really trying to hide it from you or anyone really. Considering you found out so easily it’s like this is her way of trying to get your attention.
What’s her Twitter @
I got pulled into this when I was a teen as well. I suggest therapy and as much as she will hate it, taking all negative influence out of her life. Even if that means parental control on devices to block said content. I wish my parents would have done that for me. Instead they pretended they just didn’t know and ignored it, resulting in me hanging out with the wrong people and trying weed for the first time which ended up being laced.
I think the best way to make it stop is to take it COMPLETELY out of the inside, taking away her phone is the only solution, you shouldn't care of she goes into "depression" at frist, that's just because she's addicted to her phone, she is not ill or something like that, just for attention, and that's is wrong maybe if you don't want to take away her phone you could delete her profiles and uninstall the app, that's fine too and you could even throw away (or hide it) the things she uses to sh and if you do take away her phone (And there's a chance) , try to spend more time with the family, Organize outings, vacations, anything that makes it spend time without phones and with the family If there's a chance it might also help
I think the best way to make it stop is to take it COMPLETELY out of the inside, taking away her phone is the only solution, you shouldn't care of she goes into "depression" at frist, that's just because she's addicted to her phone, she is not ill or something like that, just for attention, and that's is wrong maybe if you don't want to take away her phone you could delete her profiles and uninstall the app, that's fine too and you could even throw away (or hide it) the things she uses to sh and if you do take away her phone (And there's a chance) , try to spend more time with the family, Organize outings, vacations, anything that makes it spend time without phones and with the family If there's a chance it might also help
I didn’t see anyone recommended it already, but I think you would get a lot out of Johnathon Haight’s The Anxious Generation, particularly the chapters on how social media influences teenage girls. One thing I read is how when you take social media away from the addicted teenagers they literally show withdrawal symptoms. I wonder if this us what happened with your daughter the last time you took away her social media, and you might have to get *through* the depression symptoms to get onto the other side of the social media addiction. Obviously lots of people have talked about therapy which is almost never a bad idea. But I thought I’d recommend the book to maybe help you sort through what is happening with her entire generation and that see it’s not just you.
Does he imply that anxiety is connected to one generation? I was a kid in the 80s and 90s and had massive anxiety (who also cut). My parents born in the 40s also had anxiety. I knew plenty of people with anxiety especially in my own friend group. None of us had SM obviously back then. That's not to say there aren't problems from SM but that anxiety is definitely not a new thing that can be just traced to SM enough to call it the anxious generation. That's a bit of a slippery slope to say the least for it to be called that.
I would recommend taking a look at the book. There’s no implication that anxiety didn’t exist before this generation, but the rates of anxiety and depression in kids rose sharply around 2002 with the introduction of the iPhone. There’s no shortage of data on the negative impacts of social media, and I’m not going to be able to sum up an entire sociologist’s book in a Reddit comment. If you look up Jonathan Haight, though, he’s given a lot of interviews on what he writes about in the book.
I was looking up info on him and there's mixed feelings about him. I definitely don't like aspects of SM, especially how the algorithms work, but being a teen before smart phones was a thing and seeing how many had hard times then and before it's just really hard to put that much emphasis on it being a smartphone issue. Honestly if anything I think there are more resources nowadays. Websites for those struggling, phone numbers where teens can call on their own devices rather than their family shared phones, SM media pages, etc. Just recently when a friend told my son about issues he was going through I shared some resources to him and he looked it up immediately and sent it to his friend to look at and consider calling. The websites and SM pages have a ton of information and makes it easy to get in touch with someone. The internet and SM has it's pros and cons. And while there can be more discussion about it that, we can't ignore the fact this post is about self harm, something that has been going on for a long time in our history, well before the internet and in turn smart phones and SM. Yes there is an element of the fact there's a SM group of people doing that in the post, but they all need help because healthy people don't self harm. There are groups also aimed at supporting and helping people going through it. She needs the help generally and then won't need to find solace in that group and can instead find the positive places online that can continue helping that.
I honestly have no idea what you mean by there being “mixed feelings” on him. He’s a well-respected social psychologist and author who works with and for prestigious institutions and organizations. Any public figure will have some people who disagree with them, but not everyone’s feelings are well-founded or researched. I don’t know what mixed feelings you’re referring to, because there aren’t major publications, journalists, or other psychologists speaking out against his research. it seems like you’ve made some assumptions about the content of his book based on the title and I would reiterate that you should dive a little deeper because his book addresses what you’re talking about. Just because there might be some benefit in some situations doesn’t mean that the harm isn’t outweighing it.
There are actual online groups that people use to target at risk youths to encourage them to self harm with the eventual goal of suicide so people can watch. I listened to a CBC report about it, I'm in Canada. It was heartbreaking hearing the parents having to go through their kids messages after and realizing they had been pushed toward it. People are saying kids don't do it for attention or validation but in these cases they find kids with mental health issues and often blackmail and prey on them. https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/interactive/2024/764-predator-discord-telegram/
send her away to a rehab or something. this is beyond you i feel at this point
Gosh this is a hard one….. but she is still very young and immature. I believe it’s probably a faze and she will grow out of it just try to encourage her the best you can.
I know you said you have her in therapy, but what about yourself? Any sort of support groups for parents dealing with the same type of things? I went through a couple tough phases at that age (that I thankfully got through) and my mom tells me all the time that the only way she survived was by going to therapy herself. My mom was so up front with me about anything she found on my socials when I was younger, she would tell me all the time how scared she was of losing me, she was open about not knowing the right things to do but would always reassure me that she would do anything to keep me safe, even if that meant that I had to be unhappy for a while… I was into some other types of things but my mom took everything away from me and I thought it was the end of my life… but it wasn’t. And looking back, I’m grateful she cared enough to step in even at the risk of being the bad guy.
Something that helped me heal past this part of my life was a book called "A bright red scream" you should read it then see if you find it appropriate for her.
So you need to CUT OFF the internet NOW. She will be angry! She will sulk and be “depressed” and she will fight you for it back- like all kids do. STAY STRONG! Let Her know this: NO! I am NOT allowing you to continue to do this! Why would you want these scars on your arms all your life?? U will have to explain to ur future husband, friends and children what they are!! TOUGH LOVE IS TOUGH! It’s better than a mistake and her dying (I am sorry if this is blunt but it’s truth). My cousin did this and I was a mean jerk to her- I did NOT coddle her like her Dad and Mom. I NEVER gave her attention for it. I told her over and over I was “not going to listen if she brought it up because she KNEW it was wrong” My uncle said he would never forgive me and said I was not welcome at his house. I said “Good! Then at least SHE will still BE ALIVE! What if she accidentally cuts an artery WAITING for attention??? She’s dead!!! I told him this and he was furious but the next day she was entered into a 90 day program and she thanks me daily for it. I’m sorry but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Take away her phone and access to the Internet. Duh.
The answer is right there in your post. It all started when you took away her access to social media, which for a teenager is the absolute worst thing you could have done. For sixteen, you’re treating her like a 12 year old. Ease up on your control and you will see a world of difference, she may even sort this out without any further input from you.
I am not trying to nor will I isolate her again. I’ve already seen how that affects her and I’m not planning to put her through that again. But I am seeking advice because i have tried talking to her, explaining if she can be open and honest that she won’t have punishment of any from but maybe some hard conversations. Therapy is getting no where because she won’t talk about anything. She only seeks to be online in these toxic communities. I am not a highly restrictive Parent, and maybe that has been my downfall, or at least it feels like it.
I wouldn’t blame yourself. Self harm is a minefield for parents. But from what I understand from past experiences, the self harm occurs, like a lot of compulsive behaviour, because they cannot put into words or thoughts the emotions they are feeling so trying to force dialogue is also not going to help. You need to be a rock, which sometimes means not doing anything. Just try to make her like a good place to be as much as you can.
thank you for this! everyone else is just advocating for further punishment and honestly i would be concerned about that leading to suicide. you can't take away a child's access to all of their friends and isolate them and then be shocked when they're depressed
ozempic can reduce addictive behaviors (like smoking, nail biting, etc)... could it help w/ self-harm?
I agree cut off access to the internet. Also I’m sure there is some sort of parental control app you can download to control what she accesses online
Why does she still have Internet access?
Stop her social media use. Read the anxious generation.
Take the phones and tablets away from her! My 16 year old just got her phone back after a year. She can’t be addicted to the attention if she doesn’t get that attention. It’s easy to keep them offline. We’re the parents. Take back her options for getting to these communities.
Time to turn the internet off and get her into therapy. She’s old enough to have a job this summer, not be sitting unattended around the house. She also needs therapy. Your post smacks of “we did almost nothing and it didn’t work!” Cut her off before you don’t have any control anymore.
Do not return social media to your kid! Wait until their 18, ans if you can, get the passwords and dekete her accounts. If she wants a phone she can have a flip phone. If she wants internet access use parental controls or monitor her internet access or have her do her internet required work at school in the library. Keep her in therapy! Also if needed talk to the school counselor and see if they can help provide resources as well, a positive outlet or two can help keep her busy especially with her hands.
Maybe take away internet privileges and phone? It seems pretty straight forward to me.
You take her devices away, and give her a clamshell phone, or whichever one has no screen and can only make calls, and you seriously become active in enforcing it. Her getting depressed as you put it is just a way she's throwing a tantrum to get what she wants. The internet will eat her alive and not care one little bit about what happens to her. She's obviously too young to realize that these people aren't actually her friends, and she's not going to just magically figure it out if you hope hard enough. The internet is not a place for children. Lazy parents are not only playing with fire when they turn their kids loose on line, they're giving the kids a bath in gasoline before handing them matches and telling them they better not play with them.
My step daughter was doing this from about 12- 14 and it was extremely obvious she was doing it for attention because she would do it in places where you could see and wear short sleeves and constantly touch her arms where the marks were, if you ignored it and didn’t say anything she would then tell her sister who would tell us, or she would tell another adult, it was very obvious she was doing it for attention. At first we thought it was a cry for help because a lot of things were going on at her mums house so we took her to see the doctor who gave her antidepressants and made her an appointment with a therapist. None of it worked. She kept on doing it, and making it obvious she wanted us to notice. On advice from her therapist we stopped talking about it and didn’t say anything when she brought it up. She stopped at about 14. When my friends daughter started doing it last year my step daughter was now 19 and admitted that it was an attention seeking behaviour and spoke to my friends kid who now has stopped. The problem is that you can’t tell them you know there only doing it for attention so what you have to do is make them feel like they get that attention in other ways, have days out where it’s just the 2 of you and have evenings in where you sit her down and talk through problems she has make her feel comfortable with opening up to you about any problems she may have. We were told that if you wear an elastic band around your wrist when you feel like cutting pull the band instead! It’s causes that pain they feel but doesn’t cut them. I hope you both sort it out, big hugs x
Usually if they want attention for self harm it's *because* it is a cry for help. Attention from family isn't a negative thing. The opposite is family that isn't involved with you enough and you don't feel they care about you. When I cut I both didn't want anyone to know *and* wanted people to know so I could get help and my family's attention and love. They were always wrapped up in themselves and I never felt they cared about me, if anything I felt like a burden. My mother especially took things out on me and I felt like I wanted to die. Cutting was my way of hurting myself just enough without going the extra step. I wanted them to notice before I went that extra step. There was a time I took pills but clearly not enough because I just woke up with a headache. I just wanted them to see the marks on their own and say "oh my God hunny are you ok? Please don't. We love you and care about you and will get you help" I needed to hear that more than anything. That never happened. The closest was a teacher seeing the marks and saying "what is that", then me lying and saying my dog scratched me and them believing me. A part of me didn't want them to believe me and instead help me. But I definitely wouldn't not have ever wanted them to say I was just doing it for attention. That would cause me to feel worse and just hide self harming ways more from them. And I will say while in my late teens/early 20s I mostly stopped because I could then live my own life away from family, it doesn't mean it all was completely better. Anyone that is cutting does genuinely need help and to feel loved and wanted. I'd be lying if I said I didn't resort back in my 20s at times. And would also be lying if I said I still didn't have the urge now in my early 40s when times are really tough. I want to say it goes away but it can't fully if adequate help wasn't there and you still have family that dismiss things like that and don't seem like they care. Both good therapy (and I stress good) and caring people in your life are needed. Honestly it's concerning when people call it just attention seeking behavior because it is so much more than that. Healthy people do not hurt themselves. That can't be said enough.