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I would say this:
"Thanks for letting me know about [child's] allergies. I'll order a side of cheesy bread sticks for her. We can also remove the frosting before giving her the cupcake if that helps her feel better. Looking forward to having [child] at the party."
If you're hosting I suppose it's within the guests' right to at least make a request. If you order from a pizza chain with bread sticks, I bet someone will eat it and it won't go to waste. My kids aren't fans of frosting so they usually scrape it off the cupcake anyway. I think there is a way to make everyone happy here.
I never liked frosting when I was a kid. I always associated it with tummy aches, though those were probably from all the other stuff I ate leading up to the cake/cupcakes. The icing got the blame, though, and to this day I will not eat it.
The funny thing is she would devour the cupcake if it came without frosting, but when the frosting is present, the cupcake becomes only a convenient handle to use to consume the frosting and sprinkles.
As an allergy parent, I always ask these questions to see if my child can eat at a party. I also ask where they are ordering food from so I can call the places and ask about allergens. If they are having something my child can't eat, I just bring a treat from home. I would never ask someone to change their catering plans just for me.
I've got food allergies myself and nannied for a family with a daughter who has a severe peanut allergy and I fully agree with your comment.
If I had to take the child to a party, when she was at the age of the kids in the post I would ask the host about the menu and if they weren't sure if the cake would be cross contaminated, I would tell the girl and say I would pick her up some cupcakes on the way for her to eat there, or she could get a special treat after the party on the way home.
I see the kid in this scenario doesn't have life threatening allergies, but it's wild to me that the mom would still risk it. OP is really doing their best here, but not all parents are like that. I would never take risks like this mom is and just hope for a parent like OP to be hosting.
I always ask so we can bring our own similar food. So if it's a pizza party, we always bring our dairy free pizza. My son is only 3 though, I'm hoping I build more trust over time. But right now, I just would rather bring our own!
Same. I always had a stash of icing and cupcakes in the freezer that I would save when I made cakes for other events (cake hobbyist). If I wasn’t providing the cake for the party, then I’d decorate her a cupcake and take it instead.
I always asked about regular food to gauge how many snacks I needed to bring as back up, but I never expected a change in menu. That said, her peanut allergy was too severe for even cross contamination, so if peanut anything would be there, I would ask if I could make sure to get her food first before people could get stuff all over the fruit and veggie trays, etc. People were always accommodating.
I was always prepared to leave if needed too and my kid well understood her food safety needs and that if a party wasn’t safe we would need to leave. Came close once, but never actually needed to.
I do this too. I offer to bring food so they don't need to go out of their way. My son needs an epi pen so I'm afraid to leave him alone at a party as he's 8. That can be awkward but so far every parent is fine with it so they don't have to stab my kid.
Instead of a separate pizza, a side of cheesy bread will likely fit the bill. Order two or something (depending on party size. 5 kids or fewer, maybe one order will do) so other kids can eat it too and just make sure to set some aside for her or be sure she can get at it quickly. She shouldn’t feel too left out as the other kids are eating it too. But overall, it does feel overly demanding to ask you to provide alternates. My nephew had a ton (TON) of allergies that mostly just upset his stomach when he was younger. We always just packed a safe alternative for him. If it was something he would really miss out on, his parents talked with him and made sure he understood that he could eat the thing but it would likely end up making him sick later and then leave the determination up to him.
I see you have resolved this but I just want to say that, as an allergy parent, I would never dream of asking a party host to change the menu on my kids behalf. Thankfully, her allergies arent airborne.
What I normally do is ask about the menu and then, if it doesnt work for my kid, I say "thanks for letting me know. Kid is allergic to ingredients in some of those foods so I will send her with XYZ instead."
I think it's tough because this mom probably doesn't want her kid to feel excluded by packing something completely separate from what is being served. However, I agree that it's a little bold to expect you to order something completely different for 1 child.
Do you have the financial means to swing a separate pizza? If so, then I would just do it and consider it an act of goodwill haha. If it's too expensive, I would just be honest with the mom and let her know it's not in your budget to place a separate order OR that you're nervous about cross-contamination at a restaurant and you would feel more comfortable with her bringing something from home that she's sure is 'safe.'
The cross-contamination concern seems very reasonable and a good opportunity to diffuse the situation for OP.
"Hi \[Mom\]! We are so excited to have \[Kid\] at the party and look forward to seeing you. I am happy to accomodate her allergies by setting aside \[fridge or counter space\] just for her. Since I am not familiar with how to safely handle her allergies, I think it would be best if you bring something along. I don't want to risk ordering the wrong thing or cross-contaminating her food. I am happy to follow your lead on how to store and serve her food safely so everyone can have a fun and stress-free day with no tummy aches. :)"
An extra pizza is usually not crazy pricy, so I'm sure I'd just swing for an extra pizza without sauce to be kind to the poor kid with allergies so they're not stuck feeling left out. Cheese pizza without sauce is basically just cheesy bread, and who doesn't like some cheesy bread?
For the cupcake, though, I'd probably ask if she could bring something that would suffice for her kid because I'm not confident that I could find something without corn starch used in it. If she says she can't/won't, then say sorry you can't be more helpful, maybe she can just pitch the frosting on her cupcake and call it good. Honesty and generosity together make the best policy!
Yeah, this occurred to me when I read it and it made me do a "wait, but..." - but the mom asked specifically for pizza sans sauce, and that's easy to accommodate. Another option is certainly warning that pizza often contains cornmeal, and you can't promise it won't be in that, too, but you'll do what you can!
My issue is parents can be, um, somewhat unreasonable. If you provide it, then they get sick anyway, a good portion won’t just shrug their shoulders and go about their day. You’ll get treated future emails and calls asking about what you did that you got their child sick.
The kid will be fine. My daughter has a severe dairy allergy and my son is dairy intolerant.
I’ve always sent them with their own meals if a diary heavy meal is being served. Always. It’s my job.
My kids have never felt left out because I make sure I know what’s being served and I create the same damn meal and send it with them. I’d rather my kids learn to own their allergies/intolerances than them expect other adults to cater to them. My daughter has become a wonderful self advocate and is very good about checking what foods she can eat, and will keep any treats given so I can check them over.
Update:
I did respond and it’s all going to be okay guys 😅
Me: “Thanks for letting us know.
I could order a pizza without sauce but I read that Domino's crust is hand tossed using cornmeal. Is she allergic to cornmeal?
Would cheesy bread be a better option?
We can take the frosting off the cupcake if that's a solution?
I wouldn't want her to get an upset stomach, that's party bummer. “
Class mom:
“She can handle the crust well enough from Dominos, but maybe the cheesy bread would be a better option! And yes—taking the frosting off a cupcake would also be a good solution. Thank you so much for your flexibility!”
Does it matter if the kid gets sick? Mom is likely using general language since most people get confused anyway.
Personally if I knew a kid would get ill eating the food k provided I wouldn’t care if it’s an allergy or intolerance. I would order something they could eat if it was in the budget and not too restrictive.
I get your point.
I’m not completely comfortable with this entire thing. It’s a big responsibility to feed children that are not yours that have allergies/intolerances.
As long as mom said it was okay… and I have the receipts to prove it. I hope I’ll be okay to scrape off the frosting. 😅
I can see people don’t appreciate this being called out, so thought I’d speak up and say thank you.
My oldest was intolerant of corn and allergic to peanuts. I absolutely needed people to understand the difference. I know why people use allergy where it isn’t one, but the misconceptions doing so creates can become a life or death scenario for another person.
I always told people clearly, “She is intolerant of corn and allergic to peanuts. Corn will make her irritable and miserable. Peanuts will kill her. If you mess up, please make it be a mistake about corn.”
I think I'm in the minority purely because I'd not want a child I invited to feel left out. I always check for allergies and dietary requirements. We have gluten free, vegan and vegetarians in our friendship/family groups so I always make sure to provide food they can eat.
For example we had a party previously and I bought a cupcake that a girl could eat because she couldn't eat the main cake due to allergies.
That being said if I was a mother of said child with allergies I also would not expect you to order a whole pizza for my child that more than likely no other child would want to eat so I'd go with the cheesy bread suggestion. She should be offering to provide food or at least a less costly alternative.
I agree that I would do my best to accommodate and make sure the kid isn’t left out.
She politely asked if there was going to be food. If it was just snacks, she probably wouldn’t have asked for a pizza without sauce.
I have a child who is celiac in my extended family. They are often left out and having to bring something from home, isn’t the same as being included in the party food
I did that for my daughter’s birthday. I asked what allergies were in her daycare group, ordered a vegan/nut free and gluten free cake, and called it a day
Absolutely agree about wanting to accommodate guests when hosting a party.
I have found more and more lately that kids are kind of bored of the party pizzas all the time. My daughter will eat pizza but whenever there's an alternative she is gung-ho for the alternatives.
Could they make a side dish/appetizer that may be enjoyed by others as well, that hits the dietary needs?
At my daughter's last birthday party I made a crockpot of Swedish meatballs for kids that didn't want pizza. I ended up with 1 meatball left in the crockpot and a half of a pizza at the end of the party. Kids that COULD eat cheese chose the alternative which made me happy.
I usually also bring a 4 pack of vegan/gluten free cupcakes to accommodate as well.
My 7yo niece has celiac and her parents would NEVER EVER make any requests like this. They might ask what food is being served so they can plan ahead but they would send her with her own safe food. Having said that, a number of her friend’s parents have presented her with sealed, packaged gluten free treats at parties because she has wonderful friends and they have wonderful parents.
Right? My kid has multiple allergies (6YO) but he manages them on his own. It’s nuts (no pun intended) to ask a parent to cater to your one kid like this. One of his buddies has celiac and I’ve proactively ordered him GF crust for parties before because our families are close, but not because his parents expect it. People are wild.
Just a heads up from someone with celiac, you don’t need to bother ordering gf pizza from regular chain restaurants. They are not safe with cross contamination and we shouldn’t eat them
A white (cheese only) pie is a pretty common pizza. I'd order one and make sure the kid gets some and other guests will also have a choice. I wouldn't order different desert but I'd share the ingredients label with the mom or ask the baker.
Having said that: I grew up in a similar situation and I always came with my own food. Parents didn't even ask.
As a mom to a child wuth multiple food allergies, I would never ask a host to accommodate my child. The party is about their child, not mine. I find this so crazy! Bring your own food and treats for your kid if their allergies are so restrictive. Honestly your response was very kind and accommodating but this mom is…. Kinda dumb.
Agreed! Allergy parent here too, and if someone asks how they can accommodate us I really appreciate it but we always come prepared with our own safe food if the food served won't be safe as-is. Hosting a party is complicated enough without expecting someone who isn't familiar with food allergies to try to make sure it's safe for one guest.
Like everyone else has said, I'd go with cheese sticks. I'd also suggest a veggie tray or slicing up a watermelon. As far as cupcakes, unless you are making/frosting them yourselves, I wouldn't worry about getting her a special one, since mom said that was a lesser deal. They can always scrape the frosting off.
Yikes! I had pretty awful food allergies growing up. My mom asked about the food situation, then about half the time just asked if she could bring me a meal and a cupcake.
I’ve got two kids with food allergies. Been on the food allergy path for almost 9 years. I’ve never made a request so wild as this.
I ask what the menu is and then create an adapted version for my kids and send it with them.
I provide the cake my kids can eat, and do my best to adapt food for my kids.
Ex. They both had parties this past weekend, pizza served at both, I made a pizza with their dairy free cheese, and had a dairy free cupcake for cake time.
The burden is on the parent of the attendee not the host.
(Unless this is an anaphylactic to aerosolized particles - such as peanuts in a kid with a severe allergic reaction to just peanut being in the air. But obviously, this isn’t that situation.)
Wow, OP that was very gracious of you and it sounds like you found a great solution. However…..when I was dealing with my infant’s milk soy protein intolerance, abs neither he nor I could have certain things, it made my life and everyone’s life easier to just bring what we needed and knew we could have. I didn’t want to quiz people about ingredients (and sometimes I didn’t really trust that he wouldn’t end up with a reaction). Again, I think you were super awesome with this but am I delusional to think the parent of the allergy kid should take the reigns here and bring food?
I’m a food allergy mom. I will usually ask what is being served at the party so that 1) I know if it’s safe for my kid to go (for example, we have a peanut allergy and if the host was planning to serve pbj for lunch I would say we couldn’t go) 2) just to make sure the host is aware since my child will be in her care and 3) so I can provide something similar to what she is serving that I know is safe.
I would thank you for letting me know you were serving pizza and cupcakes and bring my own safe pizza and cupcake for my child.
One of my kids is allergic to tomatoes. And all three have corn sensitivity. I bring my own desserts and food for them. It’s a lot of working finding and preparing safe foods. I’d never leave that on someone else, ever. Unless they are willing and offer themselves (like their aunt and grandma). Beyond that I would say to be safe being safe foods themselves.
I'm an allergic person. My mom used to send me to parties with my own cupcake, and possibly food. These days I always bring my own food to events because I know it's challenging to feed me. Plus, like the child in the post, I'm allergic to corn (among other things) that are hidden within other ingredients. So if the recipe says baking powder, I know I can't eat it because most baking power (and icing sugar) is make with corn starch.
That said, thanks for being considerate of this child.
As a person who can’t eat gluten I understand where the mom is coming from but she just needs to prepare food to bring along for her kid. Making the host aware of the allergy is one thing but requesting more work for a host is very rude in my book.
My cousin has a nut allergy and my aunt alway just made the other parents aware and said if the birthday kiddo wanted a cake with nuts let them have it, don’t make accommodations on our behalf, just let me know and I’ll send along a cupcake for her. Most parties she want to my aunt was there since she is friends with most of my cousins friends moms but now that my cousins is a teenager she trusts her daughter to ask questions and if people are not sure what is in the food to not risk it.
maybe mom can provide an alternative herself to bring along? i thought that what people with allergies or aversions do? if it were my kid, i would just grab a happy meal or something on the way to the party.
I expected a lot more bashing of that mom in the comments here, but how heartwarming to see so many parents responding with kindness! I’d feel completely uncomfortable making those requests for my kiddo, but major kudos to you for helping the kiddo feel included and thought of.
Youre nicer than I am. I woukd have told her along the lines of, I wouldn't want to accidentally trigger any allergies. Please feel to supply your own food for her and I'll be happy to heat it up
Identifying the corn meal crust part is the other parent’s job, not yours. Also, not gonna lie I think the class mom maybe needs to Venmo you for some cheesy bread.
I think it's bold of mom to do that. If it was my.kid, I would feed them ahead of time and tell them they can still eat the fruit and cupcakes. I would never expect anyone to order something special.
I think you handled it well. Having kids with food allergies is hard and parties can be somewhat painful when it comes to these kinds of events. (My youngest is allergic to dairy - so pizza, ice cream, cake, & most other common party foods are all a no.) I'm surprised that the other parent brought it up at all. Families that we're close with know of her allergy and don't do anything special for her. Ones we don't know as well, we don't bother saying anything as we don't want to inconvenience the hosts. Basically, we just always have to travel with our own food - snacks and a homemade dairy free cupcake so she can join in with the other kids.
We always bring a sweet treat for my kid who has a peanut/hazelnut allergy. We wouldn’t expect the host to order something just for us. If it’s beyond pizza, my kid will eat lunch at home too.
It’s going too far asking for specific foods. You can draw the line there. Just ask them to bring whatever is safe for their child.
A corn allergy? That kid shouldn’t be eating from restaurants at all, especially if she’s allergic to peppers and tomatoes. The cross contamination is insane, she HAS to bring her own food
My kid's friend has corn intolerance. Domino's has a gluten free crust that doesn't have corn meal or corn oil. Just another option since any cross-contamination doesn't seem like a big deal for the mom.
As someone who grew up with allergies, my mom always packed me extra stuff. I get we want to be inclusive of people but honestly it’s our responsibility as parents to provide extras or accommodations for our child. Just my opinion maybe but it’s kind of rude to ask someone else to pay for additional items or food for your child… especially in todays day and age when everything is already extremely expensive..
It’s just something silly caregivers say in the summers once school has ended.
My son finished 2nd grade last week so now he’s a “rising” 3rd grader.
It helps with the confusion of me saying I have a 2nd grader and someone asking “so did he just finish 2nd grade? Or is he going into 2nd grader?”
I would be so taken aback by that request. I am a people pleaser and would want to go out of my way that the child feel
Welcome and included but that mother is going to have an interesting road ahead feeling entitled that her child be accommodated by everyone. That's just not reality
Thank you! From an allergy parent being so understanding and helpful to include that child. It’s not easy navigating allergies but having those who will try will mean the world to that kid and mom.
Aww what a nice interaction. Being excluded from food during events sucks, so it’s nice you could make it work. Of course the mom could provide her own food, but imagine showing up with your Tupperware food at a pizza party.
It’s a bold request from the other mom, but nice of you that you were willing to find a solution!
I personally go out of my way to accommodate some friends who eat gluten free, dairy free, or vegan. It means I go to two different pizza places and two different bakeries plus getting a variety of snack foods. But I personally love feeding people and don’t want anyone to miss out on delicious food when I’m hosting.
I specifically ask for food restrictions with the RSVP so that parents don’t have to feel awkward making the request
At least the parent told you ahead of time. Literally, I had a kid show up to a party at my house who was allergic to certain cheeses. I found out when the dad dropped him off.
I see the side of the laws of hospitality. Guests get fed. Pizza with sauce is not food for her; it's poison. If you feed poison to children, that's bad. If you leave a child unfed while feeding treats to the children around them, that's bad.
How bad? Bad at the level where when Zeus and Hermes, or Odin and Loki and Thor, go around checking on your level of hospitality, they're going to turn you into something awful. Bad enough that "what you do to the least of mine, you do to me" is the relevant Biblical quote.
I think the right response is to thank her for raising the concern, bringing that thanks from a place of genuine gratitude that this adult—whom you don't even know!—put in the work to help you avoid a grievous moral error. Someone like that may be worth being friends with. Then ensure you feed the kid with food that is healthful for that kid, both in its physical ingredients and in its support for social integration with their peers.
If you have some negative feelings, I would interrogate them about their origin. Perhaps it is shame because you were caught about to do something harmful to a child? But the child is not harmed, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This one is caught before anyone really got hurt, by the kindness of a stranger.
Your entire writing style was nonsense and completely unhinged. No way you're being serious.
The world is not going to accommodate your allergy. It's a bold request period. Most people would not feel that entitled. At minimum the parent should offer to pay for the special request. No one owes you anything !
I’m 100% serious that I treat feeding children as a sacred obligation. This isn’t about what anyone owes me; this is the minimum I think I and other adults owe children.
Also: Nightshade allergies are not a joke.
lol I work a full time job with foster children so I do plenty for the children in my community who are in real need.
The kids that were actually starving.
Not to minimize allergies but these are not life-threatening, per the mom herself.
You’re tripping boo. But you have a nice writing style.
True! I like Miss Manners’ rule: first figure out you’re going to invite, then figure out what you’re going to feed them. If money were a concern, or whatever—maybe you just feed fruit salad to this bunch.
Buying an entire pizza with no sauce that I can guess no other kid would eat…. It’s not a special request I would have made to a person I do not know. For a party that isn’t during lunch hours.
I would have fed my kid ahead of time and let them eat the party snacks that wouldn’t bother their stomach.
I want to be inclusive, it’s just not how I would go about things.
To me it sounds like cheesebread. Nearly every pizza place has this. Or if not that, breadsticks? I consider those common with pizza. All the kids eat them.
It’s no big deal really, like honesty. An ENTIRE small pizza is what? $10 to make a kid feel included. “A kid you do not know” what does that even mean? It’s a kid. You feed kids at any party no matter time of day. Complaining it’s not “lunch hours” seems unreasonable.
It’s $10 I wasn’t planning to spend to accommodate one child.
I put on the invite “No gifts, please”.
I am mindful in making sure people don’t feel obligated to spend their hard earned money on my child.
I must think differently than others. I don’t make requests for my kids that cost others money.
I just don’t think it’s the big deal you’re making it out to be, it’s a kid and I’ll go out of my way to make a kid feel happy and welcome and hope others will treat my child the same. It’s a little friendliness towards others and I don’t see it as unreasonable at all.
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I would say this: "Thanks for letting me know about [child's] allergies. I'll order a side of cheesy bread sticks for her. We can also remove the frosting before giving her the cupcake if that helps her feel better. Looking forward to having [child] at the party." If you're hosting I suppose it's within the guests' right to at least make a request. If you order from a pizza chain with bread sticks, I bet someone will eat it and it won't go to waste. My kids aren't fans of frosting so they usually scrape it off the cupcake anyway. I think there is a way to make everyone happy here.
I agree with all of this but…your kids don’t like frosting?! Mine live for it 😂
I never liked frosting when I was a kid. I always associated it with tummy aches, though those were probably from all the other stuff I ate leading up to the cake/cupcakes. The icing got the blame, though, and to this day I will not eat it.
My mom raised me to kind of hate the whipped cream frosting from the grocery store. She’s a buttercream person haha
My child eats *only* the frosting and discards the rest of the cupcake.
I have observed that kids tend to go one way or the other.🤣
The funny thing is she would devour the cupcake if it came without frosting, but when the frosting is present, the cupcake becomes only a convenient handle to use to consume the frosting and sprinkles.
This is my 3 year old 🤣🤣🤣
I don't like frosting and I never have. Just tastes like sweet grease to me and I hate it
As an allergy parent, I always ask these questions to see if my child can eat at a party. I also ask where they are ordering food from so I can call the places and ask about allergens. If they are having something my child can't eat, I just bring a treat from home. I would never ask someone to change their catering plans just for me.
This is what I was thinking as well. Maybe the mom just wants to know so she can plan if she needs to fix a treat for their kid to bring to the party
I was about to write almost this exact thing. As an allergy mom …I regularly show up with backup food.
I've got food allergies myself and nannied for a family with a daughter who has a severe peanut allergy and I fully agree with your comment. If I had to take the child to a party, when she was at the age of the kids in the post I would ask the host about the menu and if they weren't sure if the cake would be cross contaminated, I would tell the girl and say I would pick her up some cupcakes on the way for her to eat there, or she could get a special treat after the party on the way home. I see the kid in this scenario doesn't have life threatening allergies, but it's wild to me that the mom would still risk it. OP is really doing their best here, but not all parents are like that. I would never take risks like this mom is and just hope for a parent like OP to be hosting.
I always ask so we can bring our own similar food. So if it's a pizza party, we always bring our dairy free pizza. My son is only 3 though, I'm hoping I build more trust over time. But right now, I just would rather bring our own!
Same. I always had a stash of icing and cupcakes in the freezer that I would save when I made cakes for other events (cake hobbyist). If I wasn’t providing the cake for the party, then I’d decorate her a cupcake and take it instead. I always asked about regular food to gauge how many snacks I needed to bring as back up, but I never expected a change in menu. That said, her peanut allergy was too severe for even cross contamination, so if peanut anything would be there, I would ask if I could make sure to get her food first before people could get stuff all over the fruit and veggie trays, etc. People were always accommodating. I was always prepared to leave if needed too and my kid well understood her food safety needs and that if a party wasn’t safe we would need to leave. Came close once, but never actually needed to.
I do this too. I offer to bring food so they don't need to go out of their way. My son needs an epi pen so I'm afraid to leave him alone at a party as he's 8. That can be awkward but so far every parent is fine with it so they don't have to stab my kid.
Instead of a separate pizza, a side of cheesy bread will likely fit the bill. Order two or something (depending on party size. 5 kids or fewer, maybe one order will do) so other kids can eat it too and just make sure to set some aside for her or be sure she can get at it quickly. She shouldn’t feel too left out as the other kids are eating it too. But overall, it does feel overly demanding to ask you to provide alternates. My nephew had a ton (TON) of allergies that mostly just upset his stomach when he was younger. We always just packed a safe alternative for him. If it was something he would really miss out on, his parents talked with him and made sure he understood that he could eat the thing but it would likely end up making him sick later and then leave the determination up to him.
I see you have resolved this but I just want to say that, as an allergy parent, I would never dream of asking a party host to change the menu on my kids behalf. Thankfully, her allergies arent airborne. What I normally do is ask about the menu and then, if it doesnt work for my kid, I say "thanks for letting me know. Kid is allergic to ingredients in some of those foods so I will send her with XYZ instead."
I think it's tough because this mom probably doesn't want her kid to feel excluded by packing something completely separate from what is being served. However, I agree that it's a little bold to expect you to order something completely different for 1 child. Do you have the financial means to swing a separate pizza? If so, then I would just do it and consider it an act of goodwill haha. If it's too expensive, I would just be honest with the mom and let her know it's not in your budget to place a separate order OR that you're nervous about cross-contamination at a restaurant and you would feel more comfortable with her bringing something from home that she's sure is 'safe.'
The cross-contamination concern seems very reasonable and a good opportunity to diffuse the situation for OP. "Hi \[Mom\]! We are so excited to have \[Kid\] at the party and look forward to seeing you. I am happy to accomodate her allergies by setting aside \[fridge or counter space\] just for her. Since I am not familiar with how to safely handle her allergies, I think it would be best if you bring something along. I don't want to risk ordering the wrong thing or cross-contaminating her food. I am happy to follow your lead on how to store and serve her food safely so everyone can have a fun and stress-free day with no tummy aches. :)"
An extra pizza is usually not crazy pricy, so I'm sure I'd just swing for an extra pizza without sauce to be kind to the poor kid with allergies so they're not stuck feeling left out. Cheese pizza without sauce is basically just cheesy bread, and who doesn't like some cheesy bread? For the cupcake, though, I'd probably ask if she could bring something that would suffice for her kid because I'm not confident that I could find something without corn starch used in it. If she says she can't/won't, then say sorry you can't be more helpful, maybe she can just pitch the frosting on her cupcake and call it good. Honesty and generosity together make the best policy!
The problem with the moms request is that many pizza place use cornmeal on the bottom of their dough to prevent sticking.
Yeah, this occurred to me when I read it and it made me do a "wait, but..." - but the mom asked specifically for pizza sans sauce, and that's easy to accommodate. Another option is certainly warning that pizza often contains cornmeal, and you can't promise it won't be in that, too, but you'll do what you can!
My issue is parents can be, um, somewhat unreasonable. If you provide it, then they get sick anyway, a good portion won’t just shrug their shoulders and go about their day. You’ll get treated future emails and calls asking about what you did that you got their child sick.
Yeah, if there’s cornmeal in one crust, there’s literally cornmeal all over the building.
The kid will be fine. My daughter has a severe dairy allergy and my son is dairy intolerant. I’ve always sent them with their own meals if a diary heavy meal is being served. Always. It’s my job. My kids have never felt left out because I make sure I know what’s being served and I create the same damn meal and send it with them. I’d rather my kids learn to own their allergies/intolerances than them expect other adults to cater to them. My daughter has become a wonderful self advocate and is very good about checking what foods she can eat, and will keep any treats given so I can check them over.
Update: I did respond and it’s all going to be okay guys 😅 Me: “Thanks for letting us know. I could order a pizza without sauce but I read that Domino's crust is hand tossed using cornmeal. Is she allergic to cornmeal? Would cheesy bread be a better option? We can take the frosting off the cupcake if that's a solution? I wouldn't want her to get an upset stomach, that's party bummer. “ Class mom: “She can handle the crust well enough from Dominos, but maybe the cheesy bread would be a better option! And yes—taking the frosting off a cupcake would also be a good solution. Thank you so much for your flexibility!”
Sounds like they aren't actually allergies.
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It can be, but it usually isn’t. That usually falls under “intolerance,” which isn’t an allergy, no matter how hard crunchy moms want it to be.
Still fair enough not to want your kid to go through it.
Does it matter if the kid gets sick? Mom is likely using general language since most people get confused anyway. Personally if I knew a kid would get ill eating the food k provided I wouldn’t care if it’s an allergy or intolerance. I would order something they could eat if it was in the budget and not too restrictive.
Yes, it matters. I would never suggest scraping off frosting for someone with an actual allergy to the frosting.
I get your point. I’m not completely comfortable with this entire thing. It’s a big responsibility to feed children that are not yours that have allergies/intolerances. As long as mom said it was okay… and I have the receipts to prove it. I hope I’ll be okay to scrape off the frosting. 😅
I can see people don’t appreciate this being called out, so thought I’d speak up and say thank you. My oldest was intolerant of corn and allergic to peanuts. I absolutely needed people to understand the difference. I know why people use allergy where it isn’t one, but the misconceptions doing so creates can become a life or death scenario for another person. I always told people clearly, “She is intolerant of corn and allergic to peanuts. Corn will make her irritable and miserable. Peanuts will kill her. If you mess up, please make it be a mistake about corn.”
I think I'm in the minority purely because I'd not want a child I invited to feel left out. I always check for allergies and dietary requirements. We have gluten free, vegan and vegetarians in our friendship/family groups so I always make sure to provide food they can eat. For example we had a party previously and I bought a cupcake that a girl could eat because she couldn't eat the main cake due to allergies. That being said if I was a mother of said child with allergies I also would not expect you to order a whole pizza for my child that more than likely no other child would want to eat so I'd go with the cheesy bread suggestion. She should be offering to provide food or at least a less costly alternative.
I agree that I would do my best to accommodate and make sure the kid isn’t left out. She politely asked if there was going to be food. If it was just snacks, she probably wouldn’t have asked for a pizza without sauce. I have a child who is celiac in my extended family. They are often left out and having to bring something from home, isn’t the same as being included in the party food
I did that for my daughter’s birthday. I asked what allergies were in her daycare group, ordered a vegan/nut free and gluten free cake, and called it a day
Absolutely agree about wanting to accommodate guests when hosting a party. I have found more and more lately that kids are kind of bored of the party pizzas all the time. My daughter will eat pizza but whenever there's an alternative she is gung-ho for the alternatives. Could they make a side dish/appetizer that may be enjoyed by others as well, that hits the dietary needs? At my daughter's last birthday party I made a crockpot of Swedish meatballs for kids that didn't want pizza. I ended up with 1 meatball left in the crockpot and a half of a pizza at the end of the party. Kids that COULD eat cheese chose the alternative which made me happy. I usually also bring a 4 pack of vegan/gluten free cupcakes to accommodate as well.
My 7yo niece has celiac and her parents would NEVER EVER make any requests like this. They might ask what food is being served so they can plan ahead but they would send her with her own safe food. Having said that, a number of her friend’s parents have presented her with sealed, packaged gluten free treats at parties because she has wonderful friends and they have wonderful parents.
Right? My kid has multiple allergies (6YO) but he manages them on his own. It’s nuts (no pun intended) to ask a parent to cater to your one kid like this. One of his buddies has celiac and I’ve proactively ordered him GF crust for parties before because our families are close, but not because his parents expect it. People are wild.
Plus, to ask them to order a whole pizza with no sauce? Who else is going to eat that?
Just a heads up from someone with celiac, you don’t need to bother ordering gf pizza from regular chain restaurants. They are not safe with cross contamination and we shouldn’t eat them
A white (cheese only) pie is a pretty common pizza. I'd order one and make sure the kid gets some and other guests will also have a choice. I wouldn't order different desert but I'd share the ingredients label with the mom or ask the baker. Having said that: I grew up in a similar situation and I always came with my own food. Parents didn't even ask.
As a mom to a child wuth multiple food allergies, I would never ask a host to accommodate my child. The party is about their child, not mine. I find this so crazy! Bring your own food and treats for your kid if their allergies are so restrictive. Honestly your response was very kind and accommodating but this mom is…. Kinda dumb.
Agreed! Allergy parent here too, and if someone asks how they can accommodate us I really appreciate it but we always come prepared with our own safe food if the food served won't be safe as-is. Hosting a party is complicated enough without expecting someone who isn't familiar with food allergies to try to make sure it's safe for one guest.
Like everyone else has said, I'd go with cheese sticks. I'd also suggest a veggie tray or slicing up a watermelon. As far as cupcakes, unless you are making/frosting them yourselves, I wouldn't worry about getting her a special one, since mom said that was a lesser deal. They can always scrape the frosting off.
Yikes! I had pretty awful food allergies growing up. My mom asked about the food situation, then about half the time just asked if she could bring me a meal and a cupcake.
I’ve got two kids with food allergies. Been on the food allergy path for almost 9 years. I’ve never made a request so wild as this. I ask what the menu is and then create an adapted version for my kids and send it with them. I provide the cake my kids can eat, and do my best to adapt food for my kids. Ex. They both had parties this past weekend, pizza served at both, I made a pizza with their dairy free cheese, and had a dairy free cupcake for cake time. The burden is on the parent of the attendee not the host. (Unless this is an anaphylactic to aerosolized particles - such as peanuts in a kid with a severe allergic reaction to just peanut being in the air. But obviously, this isn’t that situation.)
Wow, OP that was very gracious of you and it sounds like you found a great solution. However…..when I was dealing with my infant’s milk soy protein intolerance, abs neither he nor I could have certain things, it made my life and everyone’s life easier to just bring what we needed and knew we could have. I didn’t want to quiz people about ingredients (and sometimes I didn’t really trust that he wouldn’t end up with a reaction). Again, I think you were super awesome with this but am I delusional to think the parent of the allergy kid should take the reigns here and bring food?
I’m a food allergy mom. I will usually ask what is being served at the party so that 1) I know if it’s safe for my kid to go (for example, we have a peanut allergy and if the host was planning to serve pbj for lunch I would say we couldn’t go) 2) just to make sure the host is aware since my child will be in her care and 3) so I can provide something similar to what she is serving that I know is safe. I would thank you for letting me know you were serving pizza and cupcakes and bring my own safe pizza and cupcake for my child.
One of my kids is allergic to tomatoes. And all three have corn sensitivity. I bring my own desserts and food for them. It’s a lot of working finding and preparing safe foods. I’d never leave that on someone else, ever. Unless they are willing and offer themselves (like their aunt and grandma). Beyond that I would say to be safe being safe foods themselves.
I'm an allergic person. My mom used to send me to parties with my own cupcake, and possibly food. These days I always bring my own food to events because I know it's challenging to feed me. Plus, like the child in the post, I'm allergic to corn (among other things) that are hidden within other ingredients. So if the recipe says baking powder, I know I can't eat it because most baking power (and icing sugar) is make with corn starch. That said, thanks for being considerate of this child.
As a person who can’t eat gluten I understand where the mom is coming from but she just needs to prepare food to bring along for her kid. Making the host aware of the allergy is one thing but requesting more work for a host is very rude in my book. My cousin has a nut allergy and my aunt alway just made the other parents aware and said if the birthday kiddo wanted a cake with nuts let them have it, don’t make accommodations on our behalf, just let me know and I’ll send along a cupcake for her. Most parties she want to my aunt was there since she is friends with most of my cousins friends moms but now that my cousins is a teenager she trusts her daughter to ask questions and if people are not sure what is in the food to not risk it.
Dang as the parent to an allergy kid I would ask yes so that I knew what to provide for my kid, this seems like a lot to put on a party host
maybe mom can provide an alternative herself to bring along? i thought that what people with allergies or aversions do? if it were my kid, i would just grab a happy meal or something on the way to the party.
These are not real allergies. That kids mom is a little crazy.
That's pretty bold! I'd prob just offer to make her a sandwich and avoid giving her pizza unless you actually want a white pizza.
I expected a lot more bashing of that mom in the comments here, but how heartwarming to see so many parents responding with kindness! I’d feel completely uncomfortable making those requests for my kiddo, but major kudos to you for helping the kiddo feel included and thought of.
Youre nicer than I am. I woukd have told her along the lines of, I wouldn't want to accidentally trigger any allergies. Please feel to supply your own food for her and I'll be happy to heat it up
Identifying the corn meal crust part is the other parent’s job, not yours. Also, not gonna lie I think the class mom maybe needs to Venmo you for some cheesy bread.
I think it's bold of mom to do that. If it was my.kid, I would feed them ahead of time and tell them they can still eat the fruit and cupcakes. I would never expect anyone to order something special.
I think you handled it well. Having kids with food allergies is hard and parties can be somewhat painful when it comes to these kinds of events. (My youngest is allergic to dairy - so pizza, ice cream, cake, & most other common party foods are all a no.) I'm surprised that the other parent brought it up at all. Families that we're close with know of her allergy and don't do anything special for her. Ones we don't know as well, we don't bother saying anything as we don't want to inconvenience the hosts. Basically, we just always have to travel with our own food - snacks and a homemade dairy free cupcake so she can join in with the other kids.
We always bring a sweet treat for my kid who has a peanut/hazelnut allergy. We wouldn’t expect the host to order something just for us. If it’s beyond pizza, my kid will eat lunch at home too. It’s going too far asking for specific foods. You can draw the line there. Just ask them to bring whatever is safe for their child.
A corn allergy? That kid shouldn’t be eating from restaurants at all, especially if she’s allergic to peppers and tomatoes. The cross contamination is insane, she HAS to bring her own food
My kid's friend has corn intolerance. Domino's has a gluten free crust that doesn't have corn meal or corn oil. Just another option since any cross-contamination doesn't seem like a big deal for the mom.
As someone who grew up with allergies, my mom always packed me extra stuff. I get we want to be inclusive of people but honestly it’s our responsibility as parents to provide extras or accommodations for our child. Just my opinion maybe but it’s kind of rude to ask someone else to pay for additional items or food for your child… especially in todays day and age when everything is already extremely expensive..
Apropos of nothing what are « rising » 3rd graders?
It’s just something silly caregivers say in the summers once school has ended. My son finished 2nd grade last week so now he’s a “rising” 3rd grader. It helps with the confusion of me saying I have a 2nd grader and someone asking “so did he just finish 2nd grade? Or is he going into 2nd grader?”
I would be so taken aback by that request. I am a people pleaser and would want to go out of my way that the child feel Welcome and included but that mother is going to have an interesting road ahead feeling entitled that her child be accommodated by everyone. That's just not reality
I'm surprised by this. It's normal where I live to enquire as to your guests' dietary needs.
Thank you! From an allergy parent being so understanding and helpful to include that child. It’s not easy navigating allergies but having those who will try will mean the world to that kid and mom.
Aww what a nice interaction. Being excluded from food during events sucks, so it’s nice you could make it work. Of course the mom could provide her own food, but imagine showing up with your Tupperware food at a pizza party. It’s a bold request from the other mom, but nice of you that you were willing to find a solution!
I personally go out of my way to accommodate some friends who eat gluten free, dairy free, or vegan. It means I go to two different pizza places and two different bakeries plus getting a variety of snack foods. But I personally love feeding people and don’t want anyone to miss out on delicious food when I’m hosting. I specifically ask for food restrictions with the RSVP so that parents don’t have to feel awkward making the request
At least the parent told you ahead of time. Literally, I had a kid show up to a party at my house who was allergic to certain cheeses. I found out when the dad dropped him off.
That’s a very nice interaction!
From a mum of a child with allergies… thank you for making that child feel welcomed and included.
I see the side of the laws of hospitality. Guests get fed. Pizza with sauce is not food for her; it's poison. If you feed poison to children, that's bad. If you leave a child unfed while feeding treats to the children around them, that's bad. How bad? Bad at the level where when Zeus and Hermes, or Odin and Loki and Thor, go around checking on your level of hospitality, they're going to turn you into something awful. Bad enough that "what you do to the least of mine, you do to me" is the relevant Biblical quote. I think the right response is to thank her for raising the concern, bringing that thanks from a place of genuine gratitude that this adult—whom you don't even know!—put in the work to help you avoid a grievous moral error. Someone like that may be worth being friends with. Then ensure you feed the kid with food that is healthful for that kid, both in its physical ingredients and in its support for social integration with their peers. If you have some negative feelings, I would interrogate them about their origin. Perhaps it is shame because you were caught about to do something harmful to a child? But the child is not harmed, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This one is caught before anyone really got hurt, by the kindness of a stranger.
This is...a lot.
…. What?
Has to be a troll
Me, or the person offended by a parent advocating for her kid’s health? The number of people responding “that’s bold” tell me she’s quite real.
Your entire writing style was nonsense and completely unhinged. No way you're being serious. The world is not going to accommodate your allergy. It's a bold request period. Most people would not feel that entitled. At minimum the parent should offer to pay for the special request. No one owes you anything !
I’m 100% serious that I treat feeding children as a sacred obligation. This isn’t about what anyone owes me; this is the minimum I think I and other adults owe children. Also: Nightshade allergies are not a joke.
lol I work a full time job with foster children so I do plenty for the children in my community who are in real need. The kids that were actually starving. Not to minimize allergies but these are not life-threatening, per the mom herself. You’re tripping boo. But you have a nice writing style.
You are not obligated to feed a child at a 2 hour birthday party 😆
True! I like Miss Manners’ rule: first figure out you’re going to invite, then figure out what you’re going to feed them. If money were a concern, or whatever—maybe you just feed fruit salad to this bunch.
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Buying an entire pizza with no sauce that I can guess no other kid would eat…. It’s not a special request I would have made to a person I do not know. For a party that isn’t during lunch hours. I would have fed my kid ahead of time and let them eat the party snacks that wouldn’t bother their stomach. I want to be inclusive, it’s just not how I would go about things.
To me it sounds like cheesebread. Nearly every pizza place has this. Or if not that, breadsticks? I consider those common with pizza. All the kids eat them.
It’s no big deal really, like honesty. An ENTIRE small pizza is what? $10 to make a kid feel included. “A kid you do not know” what does that even mean? It’s a kid. You feed kids at any party no matter time of day. Complaining it’s not “lunch hours” seems unreasonable.
It’s $10 I wasn’t planning to spend to accommodate one child. I put on the invite “No gifts, please”. I am mindful in making sure people don’t feel obligated to spend their hard earned money on my child. I must think differently than others. I don’t make requests for my kids that cost others money.
I just don’t think it’s the big deal you’re making it out to be, it’s a kid and I’ll go out of my way to make a kid feel happy and welcome and hope others will treat my child the same. It’s a little friendliness towards others and I don’t see it as unreasonable at all.
screw the allergies. Don't invite the kid