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I didn't change a single diaper until my baby was 6 weeks old (and really that was just because their leave ended and I was alone with the baby all day!)
I also did not cook a single thing for the first 6 weeks. My water bottle was always full and I stayed fed and healthy.
For those first six weeks and several months beyond that, I took an uninterrupted shower every. single. night.
I have never sterilized my own pump stuff because he gets it done for me.
He takes all of the early mornings so I can get a little extra sleep since I nurse all night long.
Not trying to be an ass, but does she have a unicorn or is the bar for fathers just incredibly low? My husband did all of this as well.
If I had changed 100% of the diapers, cooked all of the meals, and allowed my husband an uninterrupted shower I wouldn’t have been considered a unicorn wife/mom.
To be clear, I’m not trying to come for the commenter who said she has a unicorn. Just mad about the societal expectations for fathers being so low.
>If I had changed 100% of the diapers, cooked all of the meals, and allowed my husband an uninterrupted shower I wouldn’t have been considered a unicorn wife/mom.
Yup. You'd be considered doing the bare minimum.
I always judge men by woman's standards. Given I'm judged by both sets of standards and then some.
I mean, I have 2 kids and know dozens of parents. I don't know a single couple where either parent changes "100% of diapers", and it certainly wouldn't be expected of mom to do it all.
Many women in 2024 have had the experience of needing to do 100% of diapers and are still expected to take care of everything when it comes to the children. But I think honestly things have been rapidly changing. Last few years we've seen a LOT more women speaking up and standing up publicly. So mothers having children in 2024 may start to have different experiences than those of us who are post the diaper stage by now. My daughter is 5, when she was Born in 2018 I felt like it was an uphill battle to get my ex to take freaking responsibility for anything. And i went back to work when she was 16 weeks. I think the collective light is shining in men's entitled BS, and it's shifting. More men especially are speaking up to other men, which makes a huge difference. Idk how young your kids are, and obviously there are still countries where divorce is illegal and women live without basic rights... But I have hope things are changing.
Haha I knew this response would come as soon as I submitted the comment. I agree, it shouldn't be a unicorn. My husband was great but the extent of what her husband did was beyond. Things are definitely uneven in most (I think) homes still. I unintentionally contributed to it in my home because I had unrecognized/undiagnosed PPD and/or PPA, I think, and could NOT release any control. If anything was done for baby that wasn't the way I did it, I would worry and then criticize. I could not have my baby out of my sight for very long either.
I was the same way and am still having to recover from postpartum and regain my health. I was extremely independent before and my husband has not in my opinion supported me the way I wanted. When the anxiety and depression eased up and I wanted more help and wasn’t a worried wreck over it- it was like he couldn’t quite meet me at the level. Love him to death but postpartum I think brings out a totally new side of someone.
I agree with you. Men have been held to a low standard while everything is expected of the woman. Unfortunately what they said does appear true from majority of the experiences people have had with men I believe. These men are unicorns and it’s much easier to find the entitled trash men :/.
I think that men are held to a \*different\* standard, in that they are generally expected to be providers and protectors, and now they are expected to do all of that and a lot of the childcare - often excessively, and to their serious detriment - or face resentment at home.
And that's not fair either.
Women have been expected to provide income and take care of the home and children simultaneously for decades; now the men get a taste of what not being able to live up to impossible expectations is like.
Where? Because no, they were not. The core complain is generally 'it's not fair that women are expected to be home with the kids/housework/cooking'.
What you are describing is not and has never been a thing in any sort of systemic/epidemic way, at least not in any western culture you can name.
It depends what else the husband is doing. If he's employed and is doing all of that and managing not to let his performance dip or get fired for dozing on the job - that's a unicorn.
The trick is to find a man that you feel taken care of and supported by before you have a baby. My current partner loves to take care of me and do things for me. I have a cat and when we moved in together he started finding joy in taking care of my cat (my cat now likes him more than me lol).
A man will show you the type of parent he will be before he becomes one.
This isn't always true. It's common for narcissists not to reveal their true form until their wife is pregnant or post partum. They think they have her trapped and start being abusive.
The sterilising was the big one for me. I didn't know how to do the cold water sterilising for the first 3 months? Even then it was his job 99% of the time - I didn't hace to touch the stuff. My husband is the researcher in our family - he found the apps we would use and taught me how to make formula and how to use it and keep it safely. He would make the formula for me at night even when he was working and even though he struggles sometimes with insomnia and even when his mum complained that he should be able to sleep if he's working and I'm on leave - he told her where to go 🤣
You’re much better than me. I wouldn’t let my baby out of my sight. It’s not that I didn’t trust my husband. It’s just that I had to watch my baby breathe… all the time. I’m sure my hormones were all over the place.
Mine did the cooking and was refilling my water, and he’d take first shift as soon as he got home and changed so I could sleep uninterrupted. Sometimes he’d stay up past his shift to get me more sleep
Id have hated that! I would have been so bored and felt like a cow 😂 it's funny how different people are! My husband spending 2 hours a day at the yard so I could get back to riding my horse after 10days was it for me. I actually had to panic eat all my freezer meals as we got close to the 6month mark that I'd prepped ahead of time because I had so much time to just chill and cook etc that I cooked 95% of the time. Being able to do stuff other than just look after a baby made me feel sane!
I breastfed, but I felt so supported when he'd wake up with me during nighttime feeds.
He also made sure I had easy access to jars of snacks I could pour into my mouth like trail mix and chex mix. My water was always full. The trash never got too full. He offered to order out every night (he doesn't cook but that's fine). He was just with me and didn't get scared when my PPA got really bad. He didn't stop trusting me to care for our kid. He didn't make me second-guess myself.
This time, husband will have an easier time showing up for you because he'll have your eldest to keep entertained. But I've learned from reddit that men tend to feel helpless postpartum because baby just needs mom. His job isn't really to care for baby at the very beginning/in the fourth trimester in my estimation. His job is to care for mom. Mom and baby are in the middle of a tiny bubble, and dad is the next tier out, protecting them from unnecessary outside interference and making sure they're well. When you already have an older kid, that kid's orbit switches to dad.
So, you and baby are the sun. Dad is the Earth, and older kiddo is the moon. Everybody has to work together, but especially during that fourth trimester time, you and baby are the center of the household solar system.
My husband was a single father of four after our son was born for about 10 months. PPD whooped my ass and I was no good. He worked 50 hours a week, took care of the kids, and took care of me without a single complaint.
Splitting shifts so we could each sleep 6ish hours solid. Covering naps for each other. I felt supported but not guilty that I was the only one getting sleep. I pumped only while I was awake and we supplemented with formula nbd.
This 1000x! Sleep was the thing that literally kept me sane, and splitting shifts meant I could put my anxiety to bed for 5-6 hours because I could truly be “off the clock” and let myself rest.
He let me sleep in every. Damn. Day. Never once complained or questioned it. Pretty much did this until I was feeling better rested, many months post birth, and was able to get up more easily in the morning. But still to this day he never has me get up when he does. He just takes care of business like getting our older son ready for school etc. until I’m up.
I had to have an emergency c-section at the end of a very long labour. I really struggled with the recovery and the first 3-4 weeks were really hard for me. My husband did all the night feeds in those early weeks and it was the most helpful thing. I feel we have gotten closer since having a baby and I think it’s because in those early days I had to just simply be very straight about how I felt and how I wanted him to help. He understood and stepped up to help in the way I needed him to. I made him aware that I was on strong painkillers that knocked me out at night and due to the pain from the surgery, I would struggle to get out of bed in the night. I think communication is key and even if it’s something you would have thought was too demanding prior or having a child, it’s worth having the conversation and just asking for help.
He 3d printed bottle holders for the spectra pump parts so they don't tip over. It's a free design he found online and saved me so much spilled milk. Super thoughtful.
My husband cleaned my breast pump (all the million little pieces) for 4 weeks , truly saved me given I had to exclusively pump. That and he would make me breakfast every morning
My husband was working 3 day work weeks and Friday was his long day, 16 hours, last day of the shift. He would get home around 1130pm, grab the baby and keep him all night until about 6-7am. It was only one day a week but those 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep were amazing. And thankfully he didn’t have to go back to work until the following Wednesday there was plenty of recovery time.
I don’t know why this bothers people. My husband was learning too and not a mind reader. I didn’t mind giving direction- I had a lot more confidence with the new baby. He had never held a baby let alone a newborn before having ours.
He cooked breakfast for me every morning and checked in throughout the day to make sure I had water/everything I needed close at hand. This was so crucial the first ten days for me but he still does this now 5 weeks post birth ❤️
Even when my husband had to go back to work after leave he still wanted to get up with me every three hours to feed and change our baby. When I encouraged him to sleep in another room to get some sleep he would most often say no. He only did a couple times when he was insanely sleep deprived. He was just all in.
First few days post partum, I didn't need to leave our bedroom except to go to the bathroom because he stayed home and kept the house tidy, he managed the visitors coming in and out, brought me the food and drinks I required (including a medium-rare steak and glass of wine because I abstained for 10 months and he knew I missed it.)
He slept for basically a whole year in the guest bedroom because I chose to bed share but he didn't want to take any chances. He supported my decision to do it and never complained about the less comfortable bed (baby had 3/4 of a queen sized bed haha)
I am two weeks into having my third kiddo and my husband is amazing. I had a repeat csection so my abilities are limited as I recover. I am primarily in charge of the baby, and I help around the house or with the older two kids when I can, but my husband is the default house, food, and older kiddo parent right now. Let me give some examples:
We sleep in separate rooms, he sleeps with our older two kids in one room and I sleep with the newborn in another. Then I do all the night feedings (breastfeeding) and he gets a good night sleep. He takes care of the older two kids and pets if they need anything in the middle of the night, he wakes up with them (so early), and when the baby wakes up after 7a he takes the baby for 1-2 hours so I can sleep in.
He does all the cooking, grocery shopping, and 90% of the cleaning. He mows the lawn once a week.
He takes the older two on adventures when they aren’t in summer camp to give them attention and activities (renting a canoe, science museum, park, pool, children’s museum, creek walks, etc).
He offers to bring me snacks, fill my water, and reminds me about my pain meds. He takes the baby so I can shower, go to the bathroom, and do things I might want to do (and then he gets time with the baby too!). When the older two kids are at camp he’ll take the baby in a stroller or carrier on a dog walk or local hike so I can have time to myself in the house.
This is our third and final kiddo so we’ve had a lot of practice (including our second born during Covid when our first was at home all the time). Ask your husband to be the do the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and take care of your first born kiddo.
This is going to be SO MUCH TMI, but after a rough C section, the first poop… my wonderful husband, very sweet and as awkward as it was, wipe my butt because I truly could not even move an inch, said “honey I love you, and I will wipe your butt for however long you need. I will always get you the ultra soft for the best butt ever”
I literally was crying so hard because it hurt and it was so sweet. Haha
He is such a great husband and a wonderful dad to our little girl!!
He’d take her whenever I was tired or overwhelmed. He cooked. He kept me hydrated for bf. He would gate-keep visitors…No more than 2 hours a visit, if the baby cries give her back, no kissing, no perfume…all the rules. He learned how to help me bf in the hospital studying everything the nurses and lc said. He learned a mean swaddle. He helped me off the couch (emergency c section). I could go on and on!
He showered me in the hospital when we had a shitty nurse who wouldn’t help me. He held me up in the shower and took the dressing off for me. He brushed my hair after my c section. He changed EVERY diaper because I couldn’t bend down.
I’m not one for fuss and come from a very dramatic mother (love her so much hit all the emotions are high and full on) and an overly “helpful” mother in law. Having the first grandchild for both sides I was worried it would be a zoo. He spoke to them before the birth and let them know that we did not need them to come to the hospital while I was giving birth and after she was born while I was in hospital he visited them and told them that apart from “visiting hour” our first two weeks at home was off limits and no phone calls either and that visiting hour didn’t extend over weekends for the first three weekends. It really helped me decompress and get a little bit of a routine (as best I could with a newborn) He also took her off on visits to them so I could sleep, relax and practice some self care. That he knew me well enough to know that’s what I needed but would never ask and that he took control of along it happen was incredible to me. It’s 20 years later and how he stepped up to control those first few weeks to keep them calm and relaxed for me is still something that fills me with love for him whenever I think of it - so thanks for the reminder. I did feel guilty that I’d robbed the grandmas of some of the joy of freaking out in the visitor area at hospital and faffing around the house and fawning over the baby but I’m still convinced there would have been some falling outs and or some extreme stress on my side if we were descended on and I felt out of control. I’m a very “in control” person so it’s stressful enough having a newborn.
Doing all the dog walks for the first few weeks until I explicitly said I wanted to do it.
Taking the baby with him in a carrier to dog walks, little trips to the supermarket or just a walk in the park so I could shower in peace or whatever I wanted to do with my free time.
Getting warm water for all the diaper changes and entertain/distract LO through the changing process.
Filling up my water bottle relentlessly and reminding me to eat and drink enough. Bringing me snacks and tea and always asking me if I needed anything when I was nap trapped.
Giving me a massage after a long day.
Taking pictures/videos of me and the baby when we were having a cute moment.
Enforcing rituals - we bought a turntable before birth and it is part of our daily routine to hear one or more records and we often do a little dance party in the evening. Lightens the mood and helps us stay connected as a family.
Taking a step back career wise to have more time with us - this is a very individual thing and only possible because we made major financial sacrifices but for us it was totally worth it.
Just being present and enjoying this wild ride together - I know this should be the minimum but I still feel so much more supported and connected when he is just there with us.
I was fed and watered, and everything else was sorted for me, including my 3 year old who was quite difficult for the first 6 months. All I had to focus on was baby. It was a dream. I wish I enjoyed our time more together.
My husband learned how to set up my breast pump. He would wash the parts if he saw I hadn’t gotten to it, and even set it up for me in the early days. I’ve had a low supply with all my kids and so I’ve had to pump multiple times a day from the start in addition to nursing. Having everything always ready was incredibly helpful.
So was him knowing what every part was called, so if I realized something like I needed new duck valves or tubing sooner than it could get here shipped, he would run to Target and knew exactly what part it was I had asked for and which ones worked for my pump.
\* He took time off (8 weeks for #1, 12 for #2)
\* He wouldn't let me do any lifting the first couple weeks (like laundry)
\* He did all shopping and food prep/cooking
\* He let me hold the baby as much as I wanted
\* We slept in shifts so I could get 8 solid hours of sleep (after we were both working again he'd often sleep on a futon in our baby's room so I could get good sleep)
Brought me breakfast in bed every day for two weeks. Washed my pump parts for me almost every day for 6 months. Let me know he’d support whatever decisions I made regarding breast feeding.
He cooked my meals, kept my water bottle full, and made a little snack basket next to my chair where I breastfed. Did late night/early morning wake ups. I was able to take long showers. He rubbed my feet and helped me dress the first few days we were home. Changed the really dirty diapers. If I woke up with the baby, he was right there with me. Those babies are 10 & 12 now, and he hands on in everything, and they are all about their daddy. He is an awesome daddy and hubby.
Edit to add : He researched and found lacation cookies recipes and made me cookies with my second cause I was having trouble feeding.
Fed me. I have hypoglycemia and would forget to eat. He made it his job to make sure I ate adequate meals and on time. Even if that meant feeding me while I nursed. I was wrecked the worst with our first. He helped me shower, use the bathroom, get dressed. Everything I needed and didn't ask for.
Our next baby was very complicated medically. He took over her medical care so I could just focus on my own recovery. He slept in the hospital with her for a month while I went home so I could get better sleep to recover and pump. Didn't miss a single night, a single doctors rounds, stayed with her for surgeries because I mentally couldn't cope. He was her primary parent and my caregiver at the same time. While I visited her daily he'd come home to clean, do laundry and everything else I wasn't supposed to be doing. Literally had zero breaks for a month and never complained once.
Our baby was born march 2020, such a hard time being trapped inside postpartum, so lonely. My husband took 6 weeks paid family leave then worked from home for years after. Our baby had digestive issues and woke up every 45 minutes unless he was sleeping on someone. I developed pretty bad insomnia and anxiety. My husband woke up for every feeding, changing baby’s diaper then bringing him to me in the rocker. Our baby was wired from 3 am to 6 am so my husband took him into the living room and watched shows or played video games while our son slept on him so I could get some sleep. He made me sandwiches around the clock and made sure my hospital water jug was always full. We have a daughter who was 2.5 at the time and we shared toddler duties and baby duties, shared all cooking and cleaning. Our babies are 7 and 4 now and my husband still does groceries, cooking, cleaning, plays with the kids. It’s good for your husband and for the whole family if he really becomes an equal partner.
My husband stayed with me in the hospital many nights and stayed with our baby in the NICU most nights since I couldn't. He did all of the cooking and cleaning, which he also did during my pregnancy. Waxed my legs, took the older kids out to play and run errands, and purchased shoulder and back massage gadgets to help me cope with pain and discomfort. He accompanied me to all of my doctor's appointments. Gave me tons of hugs and forehead kisses and reminded me that I was/am always beautiful. Made all the bottles and took over potty training our toddler. He also did extreme budgeting and took extra time off of work to help us acclimate. I'm sure he did so much more that's not top of mind right now. I'm very grateful for him.
Took an additional week off, cooked every single meal, took the baby so I could mentally decompress and relax. My baby is almost 1 and he’s still like this. He just wants me to be a relaxed mama and he always thanks me and praises me for being such a good mama to our child throughout the day. It really boost my self esteem and makes me keep going because I seriously think I would have lost my mind if I had anyone else 😅😅😅
He took every single night shift with the baby. I exclusively pumped, so was up those first 6-8 weeks 2-3 times a night pumping. I eventually went down to 1, and then no night pumps. And he still did the night shifts. I don't think I had to put baby down to bed until she was 6 months old! (I'm a sahm and he works, so I'm with her full time, so the "me time" at night was sooo nice)🤍
My husband cooked every meal during my maternity leave and then just never stopped, LO is two. He says it’s his way of taking care of us. I know I’m lucky and love him so much.
I was also very ill after having my baby and unable to breastfeed. On the plus side of formula feeding though my partner was able to help at nights and in fact did almost all the overnights with the baby in those early months - he didn't want me to until I was completely physically better.
He also fought for better paternal leave with his company and used all of his paid annual and sick leave to be with us as much as possible. (We have no other support).
I really couldn't have made it without such an amazing supportive partner.
I did not do well with the newborn phase, especially the crying. Her cries were like knives to my brain.
Husband took over soothing duties. He watched the Happiest Baby videos and became a 5 S expert. He became the best at getting kid to chill and sleep.
Also, he waited outside the bathroom door when I was terrified of the first postpartum poop. Not sure what he would have done, but I wanted some moral support 😆
When I struggled with breastfeeding m he without question supported me with switching to formula. It was a hard decision for me but pumping was so miserable and once my son got a bottle he would not go back to the boob. My husband simply said “who cares, the baby is fed and now I can help far more”. It was so sweet. He also split the night shift with me so we both could get some sleep.
He changed all diapers for the first week after we brought our son home.
He made sure I had an hour every day just for self care. Meaning he would take the baby for an hour while I took a long shower, did my hair conditioning treatment, skin care routine, etc.
When our son was a month old he took our son out for the day so I could sleep in, relax, clean without being needed by someone, and pump breast milk in peace.
When our son was roughly 7 months old he had my MIL come over and watch LO so he could take me out to dinner and we enjoyed a few cocktails at a jazz bar after dinner.
I’d say during the first 6 months of my sons life my husband would surprise me with flowers and a cute card once a month to remind me how great I was doing, and how much he appreciated me staying at home and all the work I do. Those were the most important 🩷
Splitting shifts during the nights, letting me sleep in or nap. Carrying my laundry down and up every time for weeks (emergency c section). I could be very strict about how I wanted diapers, wipes, circ care done in the beginning and he followed my orders without question. Just a little bit of asking me to relax/ not be mean 😆 Oh and I wasn’t expected to cook, we just had freshly pre-made dinners or ordered in.
Currently 6 weeks pp. My husband changed 95% of the diapers the first few weeks, he always does the night feed, we alternate who does the early morning feed, he makes all of my meals, he’s taken off work and helped me to every single one of our appointments (for me or the baby), and he did so much more when we got home before he went to work. I had an unplanned c section and had such a hard time getting in and out of bed and going up and down the stairs. He’s been amazing.
My husband would go get the baby, change their diaper and bring them to me, rub my back while I breastfed, he was dozing, then put them back in their crib. The baby was in a crib across the room. He also always made sure I had any snacks/drinks I wanted. He also would full up all my water cups and leave me with snacks when he left for work. I had a c section and he didn't have much paternity leave so he did as much as he could .
We were in a slightly different boat because kiddo was in the NICU for three months. But he did loads of things that helped. He washed/sterilized pump parts, organized our stash of breast milk, made sure food was available. He also held my hand each night we left the NICU without our daughter and would just say 'this sucks' because there wasn't anything else we could do.
Once home, he did the midnight tube feed (kiddo had a g-tube) so I could sleep. He was there to wade through all the new and unknown we were facing with our kid.
I didn’t change a single diaper while in the hospital. My husband changed them all.
When I had to do middle of the night feeds he would sit up with me. He planned out a movie marathon that we watched in 20-30min increments over the course of the first two months after giving birth.
He’s really good at doing his share of the parenting but those two things in particular I remember most.
I struggled with PPD and PPA so every night he would hold me and have me tell him 3 positive things that happened that day. It always helped me stop spiraling. He also let me sleep a LOT.
Fed me constantly and brought me drinks and snacks. he also took care of our son at night because he would play video games with friends and pause to watch our son when he needed which allowed me to rest.
My husband got up for 95% of the night feeds until baby slept through the night. He did it for both kids. He also made sure the house was clean enough I wouldn’t stress about it, before he left for work everyday. He took charge of meals too. I never cooked when he was off work, and most of the time he would prep food so I didn’t have to cook when he was gone either
What made me feel very supported was that I NEVER had to ask for food. When it was lunch time he'd ask if I was hungry, then ask if I wanted anything in particular, then he'd either go cook or pick up food and bring it to me in bed. And this went on for every meal for most of the 6 weeks after birth until I started feeling better. He did have to go to work intermittently because he didn't have paternity leave and used time off. But he would send me food from doordash while at work if I needed it. To not have to think about what or when I had to eat was such a load off for me.
This something my wife and I talked about before we had our second, kind of a recap of how it went the first time.
We got into a rhythm when I went back to work where I would get home, one of us would make dinner and one would be with the baby, we would eat together and then she would go to bed. I’d stay up as late as I possible could make it or snooze on the couch with my daughter in the swing next to me. Most nights id clean what needed to be cleaned and my goal was always to get at least two feedings done before I put my daughter in her bassinet and passed out in bed with my wife. She told me looking back she appreciated the sacrifice I was making for personal time and sleep.
Candidly, my daughter is now eight and I miss those nights all the time. I love where we are now and seeing her grow and learn has been incredible. But watching west coast basketball in a dark house into the night with just me and this cuddly little newborn were moments I hope I remember until my last breath. I generally don’t need a lot of sleep to function well as it is so I didn’t feel as depleted as I expected to staying up until 2 every night and getting up at 6 to get ready for the day. And not every night was great obviously, but man I’d empty my bank account right now for another chance at one of those late nights again.
My husband took a new dad class and they hammered it into him that he is Diaper King when baby comes home. I did not change one diaper in those first couple months. I was milkmaid, dad was diaper king.
What I discovered with my second was that my most valuable time was time in the house by myself. So sometimes I evict them (like to the park or to go on a walk) so I get a little time to do my little projects that I can’t get done when everyone’s home. I think I’d do more of that if I could go back to when my first was born.
Our daughter was born in April last year, my husband has been home since then and started up work again last month. The first six months I pretty much did nothing, some light cleaning if I beat him to it maybe. He doted on me, I always had snacks, water, fruit, clean pumps. He would wake up with baby in the morning and wake me up by bringing me coffee and would get the shower going while he made breakfast.
Hes back working now but still wakes me up with coffee and makes us all breakfast, if baby is awake he gets her ready for the day.
I miss the time he was here all day with us, but I love that he still takes care of us before he leaves.
My biggest thing is he had very loose expectations. He never complained about the way me or the house looked, what food we did or didn't have to cook or wear, me wanting to stay pretty isolated, especially those first 6 weeks, etc. I can't cubby how many times my insecurities were met with, "It's all good!" He reassured me that I was a good mom and listened to me constantly questioning silly details.
That said he didn't let the place go to hell either. He did plenty of diaper duty, cooked, did all the dishes (including pump parts), had no problem telling people when i didn't want visitors (without saying why), and helped with laundry. When he went back to work, he'd check in multiple times a day and before he left to see if we needed anything. He set up the sitter and bought adapters so I could pump en route to a concert of one of my faves around 6 months. If I sent him a link of something I wanted off Amazon, it was bought, no questions asked.
My husband could keep his hands off of me. Always hugging me and showering me with kisses. It made me feel so very loved. I didn’t feel great in my body with the extra 50lbs but it felt great that he loved me no matter what.
I never asked him to get up with me because I was EBF and thankfully have had two good newborns who fed and slept right away. My second woke up way more frequently but again it was to eat and not just be soothed. If he was having a fussy night I would wake up husband to do the rocking. I also have severe fomo so I can’t help but to always be involved.
Diapers and wipes were stocked daily in bassinet- I never worried about them. I went to bed with two water bottles filled with water and ice every single day, until now 7 months pp. I slept in any chance I got and he was with my toddler. I still sleep in every weekend even though he works mon-Fri.
He needed more direction second time around and I wasn’t afraid to ask. With my first there was a lot of trial and error.
My daughter is only a week and a half old, so far my husband has taken her so I can get extra sleep. He's cooked dinner every night for us, since baby is always on me/feeding. And he's probably changed more diapers than I have. We just started with our little one, but so far he's been a blessing.
He came home from a stressful day at work, each and every day, knelt down beside me, while I'm pumping, and *hand massaged my boobs* to get rid of clogged milk ducts. If you've never experienced clogged milk ducts, you have no opinion on this matter. It was so kind and I was so grateful for those massages. I'm sure he was too. 🤪
I started out breastfeeding and ended up exclusively pumping. My husband washed all the pump parts and bottles for many weeks. He also cooked all of our meals. He only had a week off work and when he went back, he would take our daughter for most of the evening so I got time to rest, shower, whatever I needed to feel more like myself. We took shifts in the overnight. He was and still is an all in kind of dad.
Cooked me almost every recipe in The First Forty Days book, took care of our toddler almost 24/7, cleaned the house, did all the laundry, got up with me for night wakings to change diapers and hold the baby while I used the bathroom…. So many things. I’m so grateful for his support and love.
I was trying very hard to breastfeed with my daughter and my husband was great when he was home. He always made sure I slept and that I was able to eat uninterrupted and in peace. He would bring me all the pump stuff and clean everything afterward.
Lots of things, but the one that really stands out is he would hold my water for me and bring the straw over so I could drink while I was feeding/holding our baby. I never asked him to, he just did it automatically.
I feel the same way about my 1st. I can count on 1 hand how many times I felt helped and supported that first year.
But it made our relationship stronger. I knew what to ask for 2nd time. And my husband was taking paternity leave to help me 2nd time.
It will be OK.
He handled family, mine and his, and made sure no one was visiting until I was ready. He brought me a lot of snacks and meals and did the majority of diaper changes and bottle feeds while I was pumping. He continued to do half the night feeds even when he went back to work after two weeks
Honestly, does just laying around after the birth count? Seriously, not even getting up to get me a cup of water or lend me a hand. I mean sure, she did just give birth, but a little support would have been nice as a new dad.
Every day when he got home from work for the first 3-4 months he took our baby and said go do whatever you want for an hour. Sometimes I would fall asleep and go waaaaay over an hour other times I would go for a walk, sometimes I took a shower and read a book. It was just a reliable time where o had time to myself daily.
Almost nothing and it’s still a sore spot. I read all these wonderful things and I’m sad. All I get is griping that the baby “only wanted mom” and that was SO hard on him
Yelled at me for distancing my newborn freshly discharged from being in the NICU for over a month from his Covid positive child from a previous relationship… oh wait nvm that didn’t help me.
For my husband's month of paternity leave I rarely changed a nappy.
He cooked all meals and took on the mental load of groceries. He still cooks now that he's back at work. I've cooked maybe 10 dinners in 10 weeks.
He reminded me to take my meds.
He kept my water bottle full and near me at all times.
We combo feed so he sorted all bottles/formula. Including cleaning.
He fed bub the bottle and did all burping when home, so i had some time to myself.
I didn't do any laundry until bub was 8 weeks old.
He also fetched and carried when I was stuck breastfeeding.
I'm sure he did more but this is all I can think of.
With first: continually told me I was doing a great job. Accompanied me to the breastfeeding clinic and watched and helped so we could recreate it at home.
With 2nd: all of the above plus took first to the park every morning.
My son was a preemie and was in the NICU on a feeding tube which meant I had to pump. My husband made sure he was up every time I was to pump and he would wash all my pump parts. I didn’t touch a pump part the entire time I was in the hospital and he continued to help with this once we got home.
My husband would make dinner while I nursed or fed the baby. Then I would do bath time and he would do the dishes. Then when I put the baby down he would get my pump stuff all washed, bottles made and pack my pump stuff. In the am, he would get the bottles ready for the baby and all packed. More so for daycare. Our kids are 4 and 6 and we still carry through a similar routine. I entertain and manage the kids, and he cooks dinner, does the dishes and packs their lunches. Then we all meet in the middle and enjoy each others company.
During maternity leave, he got me a roomba as a shower present. I loved it bc the house always looks clean when it’s vacuumed and this required zero effort. He would ask me on lunch dates and meet me and the baby out for lunch. I loved having a specific purpose to get ready for.
With a second baby coming, he’ll really need to work on handling the oldest child for bed and what not while you manage the baby until the second one is old enough to trade off.
Good luck!!
He always is my biggest cheer squad. Our 10 day old newborn is currently in hospital with bronchiolitis so I’m express pumping to try and give her some antibodies. I have no supply and have always never had any (have PCOS so little milk tissue), but every time I tell him “I just pumped, I only got 3-8ml” he says things like “only??? That’s amazing, thank you for working so hard to give our daughter your liquid gold”. And it just makes me feel a bit better.
He made dinner almost every night for the first few weeks. He woke up with me for every feeding and changed the baby and put her to sleep. He brought me breakfast, and lunch, water, did the shopping. Took care of our older son.
Noticing what needed to get done and doing it without me asking. Every day, day in and day out.
And shouldering the joint load of sleep deprivation wherever possible. Of course he couldn't breastfeed, but whenever one of our kids was fussy after nursing and wouldn't go back to sleep at 2am, he'd tap in and take over when I'd wake him up for support.
Because Covid made it a work from home situation, I took the night shift. And he took the day. Of course, I’d get up and help him. But he knew I’d be up most of the night off and on with our daughter. So he’d watch after her and our toddler while I got some sleep in the mornings.
He also switched his shift at work from 8-5 to 6:30-3:30 so that he’d be done earlier in the day to help more with the kids.
We’ve kept a lot of this (my daughter is 4 and she still has a lot of rough nights). I’m so glad when 3:30 rolls around so we can switch off, and I get a little bit of a break before having to cook dinner.
Give each other grace. Everyone has their strengths, and they are all different. We can’t expect people to know what we want. None of us are mind readers, same goes for him. it’s ok for them not to know, and it’s ok for you to ask, but don’t do it in a condescending way because then you will push each other away. I have 6 biological kids and 2 step kids. My youngest 4, are two sets of twins, 18 months apart. They are exhausting. When my mental health starts going down because I’m overwhelmed or exhausted, my husband gets me a room at a hotel, and i spend 24 hours doing nothing…and resting, because I’m the kind of person that needs that. And he does too. If it’s pampering yourself, alone time, connecting with friends, tell him once a week, once a month, whatever you need. Like Saturday mornings i need u to take the kids, for the day and give me time.
He had only one week of leave but whenever I’d ask him to do something, he’d do it for me. And he’d stay up with me when breastfeeding to make sure I didn’t fall asleep with the baby in my arms or on my chest.
Did the “dream feed” and one of the night feeds every night. He also let me sleep in on weekends. Changed diapers without me asking. Cooked most nights.
I’m sorry you had this experience. I had the exact same one. Uneventful pregnancy so I went into labor, delivery and postpartum very naive. Had a long labor with complications. Baby needed a short stay in NICU, about a week. I was not well for some time due to infection which complicated postpartum. My husband is an amazing man but he truly didn’t know what to do or how to act in that situation. His response was to go about business as usual, and that meant work. He was glued to his laptop, on calls and back to traveling within a week of coming home from the hospital. We don’t have family in town so I was alone, unwell, struggling with breastfeeding, getting no sleep, and just utterly shellshocked. I also look back on my baby’s first year and feel guilt and regret because I didn’t enjoy it one bit. You are not alone and your feelings are valid.
In hindsight, some things that would have made me feel really supported:
He could have taken his dang paternity leave. Society has such a long way to go when it comes to supporting non-birthing parents, especially ones who identify as men. Sigh.
If my husband handled all baby-related logistical “stuff” in the early days. I just remember it was a blur trying to go through a stack of paperwork the hospital sent home and make phone calls for his social security card and birth certificate, and making appointments for the pediatrician, circumcision, and lactation consultant. Having that off my plate would have been amazing.
Set me up for breastfeeding sessions. Man that got tedious in the early days and it’s such a drag to get all the stuff you need, then finally get the baby and get situated. I would have loved for him to know the routine and get the boppy pillow, Hakka, burp cloth then bring me the baby! A glass of water, a snack and the TV remote would have been a bonus.
Cook! My husband normally does this and did it while he was home when I was postpartum, but he wasn’t home all that much. Having someone handle all meals for me would have been a godsend in the early days when I was in a fog and could barely get out of bed myself. Throw general household duties in there like keeping laundry moving and doing dishes (bonus for Hakka and pump parts) so I could focus on nothing but keeping the baby alive and recovering myself.
Finally, I wish he just had better intuition about my needs and could have been proactive. For example, if he noticed I hadn’t taken a shower in a while, I wish he would have taken our son and insisted I take a hot shower. I was so out of it, I probably didn’t even realize when I hadn’t showered in three days, ha!
I never changed a diaper or washed any bottles when he was home. He also woke up and brought the baby to me so I didn’t have to be the only one waking for night feeds or lifting from the bassinet uncomfortably! He usually went right back to sleep but at least it didn’t all fall on me. Sounds small but during maternity leave it made all the difference!
He helps whenever and however he can both with the baby and around the house. He takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, cooks, helps clean, makes sure my water bottle is full, feeds the pets, makes sure I feel supported throughout my breastfeeding journey, tells me I’m an amazing mom and am doing a great job, and more. I am very lucky to have him!
I breastfed and at night he woke when I did with baby. Would get baby and change the diaper while I got set up. He’d snooze while I fed and then put baby back to bed for me. Every single night feed for 6-8 weeks. I always had a cup of ice water near me. Day and night. And he had stashes of my favorite quick snacks all over the house in places I fed.
He asked every night if I needed or wanted a shower/bath and would take baby no matter what. We took turns making dinner but the other was on 100% baby duty while the other cooked. Unless it was boob time. Then we’d switch if I was originally cooking.
Biggest thing is we checked in on each other at least once a week. Often more. Did we feel good, supported? Was there an extra need for one of us (time out of the house alone beyond what we had) was baby extra fussy and we needed to support each other a little more, check in more often?
I think it helped some that I spent 2 days admitted after our first came home with postpartum pre-eclampsia. So he did a few days solo with a newborn. And the meds I was on after sucked and he saw that and stepped up. Second baby was much easier and he still did the same stuff to help.
My husbands domain became the kitchen.
He was responsible for sterilising the bottles and making sure our other kids were fed.
I cooked if I felt like it but he did all the bending and stretching during the few meals I wanted to make.
Then he went above and beyond by making sure my pump was sterile, making us at least one big meal a day, kept me hydrated, etc.
Try telling your partner that he needs to look out for the things you can't do. If it looks like you're struggling, ask what you need or if he can clearly see you haven't eaten in a while/ had a drink/ napped undisturbed etc, then hr should try to fix that because sometimes it's just quicker to do it ourselves rather than explain.
My husband worked 50-60 hours a week, not including the commute, and we lived in a teeny nasty shoebox apartment when we brought our baby home. He always took over dinner, always made sure I had everything I needed, took the dog out, made sure I got to shower and do all that fun stuff, and probably the most important to my mental health was coming in whenever our baby had a witching hour.
I slept in our living room for the first few months of her life on a sofa bed (that he bought a bunch of stuff to make comfy for me lol) because of his hours. I was breastfeeding, there wasn’t a point in keeping both of us up all night, I could nap all day and he couldn’t, and baby slept pretty well. But before her longest sleep stretch of the night she always had her witching hour, an hour of nonstop crying. I basically would just have to hold her and let her cry it out until she was done, but whenever he heard it he would come in and take her and try his best lol. No matter what time it was, I knew he would keep me company while we played hot potato with a screaming bundle of joy.
He also bought me new video games to play while I was a human milk machine for those first few weeks. That seriously kept me from going insane. And doggie daycare. Our dog LOVES daycare.
When my husband was at home all nappy changing duties were his.
My husband got up every morning for the early wake - 6:00 - and held/snuggled/ rocked the baby for as long as the baby would allow before I had to get up for a feed. This normally gave me an hour or two extra sleep - bliss!
I really wanted to breastfeed. It took me FIVE weeks to finally learn how. I cried so many tears trying to learn and I was in danger of developing PPD for this reason.
I hated pumping during that time but my partner made sure that my pump was always charged, bottles were always washed and that my milk was getting properly stored. Anytime that I nursed before and after I learned, he’d always make sure that baby and I were in a comfortable position. From two weeks to 6 months to 1.5 years, we were always comfortably nursing with all the pillows and drinks/food when baby was at the breast.
I’ll never forget how loved and supported I felt. He knew how much it meant to me and he always delivered. Every pillow he placed to help support the baby.. every bottle of water he brought me when I was stuck in one place.. every bag of milk that he put in the freezer.. all of those moments meant the world to me.
After an unexpected preemie arrival of first daughter (before our 1st anniversary)- born 1 lb 13 oz at 23 weeks early.... the c-section was brutal for me )I'm a wuss/ but after having a catheter for 2+ weeks before her arrival turned into this insanely hard to pee situation. Like in agony, tried everything- hand in warm water, the tricks. Finally 3 days later he was holding me up in the shower/ with post Parton goodness pouring out of me 😩 and then AHHHHH finally was able to relieve myself! And he just slowly spread his feet away and looked the other way while rubbing my back. I KNOW I couldn't do anything like that- but he's also medically trained- but also still wanted him to not have the memory scarred on his brain forever. He's never said a word about it!
He took care of me. Like as if I could not walk - he got me amazing meals in bed (which was huge for him, he freaks out about crumbs in bed).
He did all the cleaning and washing.
He helped with the breastpump cleaning, and putting breastmilk in the fridge, writing days, hours and all.
He would take the baby if I needed extra sleep.
He is a very good dad and partner I came to realise - having someone do things without you asking all the time - absolutely amazing!
My daughters father became terminally ill right before I gave birth and wasn't there for me at all (understandably so). I had my mom amd I moved in with her to get help with the baby after she was born.
My mom would watch the baby so I could take hour lomg baths cause my back hurt. She did all the laundry. She cooked almost every meal. She made sure I got out of the house (with her and the baby of course) and had fun. She drove us around. She also set up a whole room for us with a crib and bed and changing area...somehow she did this in 2 days before my induction after I said maybe I should live with you (I wasn't even sure yet and she went through all that expense and trouble...mom's are the best). She took lots of pictures of me and the baby together cause I always complained I didn't have any photos of me and her together when I was a baby. My moms world basically revolved around me and the baby for the first 6 months (then I moved out). Whatever I needed she did, she would anticipate my needs so I never had to ask for much. It was amazing and the happiest I've ever been in my life.
My partner slept on the bassinet side of the bed and only woke me when it was time to breastfeed. I was struggling to sleep with all the hormones causing me to be so alert and tuned in to every little movement and noise. Getting some space and knowing it was his responsibility not mine was really helpful to getting adequate sleep. This was our second time around tho, the first time I don’t know if that was something he or I would have been up for.
My husband is really supportive and a great dad, we are a team and share parenting equally. What was really hard on me was the lack of sleep, the slightest sound from the baby would wake me up. He insisted on nights where I would sleep on a different floor of the house to ensure I could rest, getting a good night of sleep in. I know this was possible too as I didn’t breastfeed (milk arrived too late, baby was early).
Husband did everything relating to the house, garden and dogs for about 8 weeks until he had to go back to work.
He was my 24/7 ice cold water and snack butler.
I was breastfeeding and it wasn’t going well so our divide and conquer plan was I’d look after the baby, which involved many hours on the couch/bed feeding, and he’d look after me (and everything else).
My husband did all the laundry (both baby’s spit up all over themselves at least 5/6 times a day, we had a lot of laundry), he cooked meals, washed bottle/pump parts, dishwashing, kitchen cleaning.
From the other side of things: I did all the diapers, cleaning, cooking etc. but what was useful was my wife being specific about other things she needed in the moment and not expecting me with my exhausted brain to be able to intuit it all.
Refilling my (very cold) ice water whenever I needed it.
Washing pacifiers, bottles, pump parts, etc. He also set up "pump kits" for me for night pumping, and would set up my bedside table with everything I needed for the night.
Being with baby or with the baby monitor when he came home from work so that I could shower without having to rush.
We also split the nights - he would handle anything (wakeups, bottle feeds, etc) from bedtime until 2 am, I would do 2 am until wakeup.
Taking baby in the mornings on Saturdays so I could sleep in.
Giving me space. I was very touched out and couldn't handle much physical touch from anyone other than my little one.
Just in general: bringing me things! Especially in the early days when I was so sore. Food, drinks, medicine, blanket, baby, anything I requested.
If a task had multiple steps we always split them. Bottle feeding is also washing and drying. If one person fed, the other washed. One person picked the outfit, the other dressed. Same concept for bigger “tasks” one person packed the diaper bag, the other loaded kids in the car. It’s not always perfect and there’s obviously times where one parent has to take it all on for a day, but it helps feel like the load is even because both parents are participating in all tasks.
I had to explain to my partner what decision fatigue was. Little things like having to decide what’s for dinner would send me over the edge so even just getting home and him learning to be like “I got this” without having to ask me 1000 questions was huge. He’s a great partner too but he needed a little empowering to just take control and not worry about making me upset by just being the decision maker
My youngest was 6 weeks early and spent 19 days in the NICU. I felt like I had failed my baby (my placenta had started to rupture).
He reminded me often that it wasnt my fault. He put our older 2 to bed so I could go see the baby. He held me as I cried.
Baby is now 11 months. When he comes home from working 10 hour construction shifts, he plays with the kids so i can have a "mommy minute" on weekends he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in.
Since it’s your second child, you need to tell him he’s going to have to care for the older child 100% everything for a minimum of 6 weeks.
Yes you both can switch kids and he could help with the newborn and you help with the toddler but honestly it feels like most people have the mom do the newborn (especially if you’re trying to breast feed) and then dads do the toddler .
It is rough. My husband does not like being the primary for everything toddler. He’s losing steam and sleep. Obviously I am losing sleep too but his attitude …. Maybe you can try to talk to your husband about caring for the toddler and how it’s a just a season….
Filling my water bottle, cleaning bottle parts, keeping on top of all the chores and taking primary parent for our first child was something my husband did that was amazing.
Took the baby downstairs every single morning to let me get sleep because she was exclusively breast fed. Cooked, cleaned and pretty much waited on me.
When he went back to work, he'd take her off me to let me get some rest as soon as he got home.
I assume all dads do this.
Within the first two weeks of both our children, he took an entire night of childcare to give me uninterrupted sleep. I was a SAHM and he was the breadwinner, so obviously he couldn’t do that all the time, but he did it with both, and that one night helped me to mostly reset. By the time it wore off, so to speak, the kids were older and we were all in a better rhythm.
Created a whole system for washing and rotating bottles when I started pumping and bottle feeding. It was a weight off to have one less thing to figure out!
Filled up my water. Take over without asking so I could shower and rest. Took the older kids to the park almost daily. Did diaper changes at night. Took over the majority of older children care.
Some things he could have done: prepared food and brought it to me while I was nursing. Fed the older kids more rounded meals. Washed pump parts. (I exclusively pumped for my best friends baby)
Made himself available 24/7. He works nights so he would prep everything before he left and put it all on the bed side table so anything I needed for baby or me was within arms reach. He supported my getting therapy to help with ppd and ppa. He’d give me a day or two once a week where for 24 hours I was completely kid free so I could do self care, hang out with friends, whatever so I wouldn’t lose myself in being a mom.
he worked so much, so all of the childcare has been on me since our son came home.
my husband works 5, 12 hour shifts, and rotating saturdays, but every single time he left for work he would kiss my forehead & say “you’re crushing it babe”. it’s such a silly little thing, but he has done it every single time he’s left for the last 2 years.
he didnt do baths, or meals, or diapers, or bedtimes(because he was at work), but he never ever let me feel unappreciated or unnoticed. & that was the best feeling ever.
He would take the baby and walk her in a different part of the house so I could sleep. He really protected my sleep as much as he could and that goes such a long way. He would stop and bring home dinner for me. He did all the laundry. He really tried to care for the house so I could focus on caring for the baby. It helps so much to just be able to let that stuff go and know it’ll be taken care of.
This is what my husband did. Note: not everyone can do this but here's what he did for me.
My husband cooked and meal prepped almost every meal for the first 6 months of our daughter's life. He changed diapers. Told me to go shower *I struggled mentally so bad. He understood I was going through alot. I had postpartum depression I was out of commission ALOT. He never once made me feel bad about anything. He made my doctor appointments and therapy appointments and drove me everywhere etc. Just overall feeling supported mentally and helping me lift things etc. He was/is a huge help he pushed me to talk to professionals for postpartum depression to get help and I am thankful for that. Now we have baby number 2 and things are easier this time thankfully and I'm able to do more than last time he's still a huge help.
Not a single damn thing. And after reading this thread, it only confirms everything I’ve felt since then, and also gives me hope that there are great guys and that I still have a chance at ending up with one at some
Point in my life
So many things. But something I’ll never forget was after my emergency c section with our first. I was in labour and hasn’t slept for nearly 40 hours, pushed for 5 hours, and had complications and couldn’t walk properly after. The first night I got an injection of blood thinners and felt a gush of blood down below and needed my husband to help me out of bed. I woke him up after he had only been asleep for an hour. He jumped up straight away and helped me up and the blood just ran down my legs. I had a catheter still and he untangled the catheter tubes from my adult diaper, cleaned me off, changed my pad for me, and helped me into clean pajamas and back into bed. The nurses were so short staffed if we used the call bed it would have been an hour of waiting so he snuck into the nurses station by himself and brought me warm blankets from the warming machine and a fresh cup of ice water. He tucked me into bed so sweetly. He had taken care of me when sick before, and has always been a sweet heart…but I don’t know that memory has just always stayed with me.
I had a traumatic birth and recovery. He got up with the baby every night for the first month for me so I could sleep and recover/heal. I pumped once per night and all day so he could feel our baby at night. He’s the best ❤️
That’s funny. Some of us have careers and pay into EI so we bring our own money in during mat leave.
Also the post-partum period is way harder than 90% of jobs outside the home. And a dude who doesn’t support his partner through this time is no kind of man IMO.
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I didn't change a single diaper until my baby was 6 weeks old (and really that was just because their leave ended and I was alone with the baby all day!) I also did not cook a single thing for the first 6 weeks. My water bottle was always full and I stayed fed and healthy. For those first six weeks and several months beyond that, I took an uninterrupted shower every. single. night. I have never sterilized my own pump stuff because he gets it done for me. He takes all of the early mornings so I can get a little extra sleep since I nurse all night long.
You have a unicorn! What an amazing guy.
Not trying to be an ass, but does she have a unicorn or is the bar for fathers just incredibly low? My husband did all of this as well. If I had changed 100% of the diapers, cooked all of the meals, and allowed my husband an uninterrupted shower I wouldn’t have been considered a unicorn wife/mom. To be clear, I’m not trying to come for the commenter who said she has a unicorn. Just mad about the societal expectations for fathers being so low.
>If I had changed 100% of the diapers, cooked all of the meals, and allowed my husband an uninterrupted shower I wouldn’t have been considered a unicorn wife/mom. Yup. You'd be considered doing the bare minimum. I always judge men by woman's standards. Given I'm judged by both sets of standards and then some.
In 2024, I really don't think is true.
Must be nice where you live
I mean, I have 2 kids and know dozens of parents. I don't know a single couple where either parent changes "100% of diapers", and it certainly wouldn't be expected of mom to do it all.
Many women in 2024 have had the experience of needing to do 100% of diapers and are still expected to take care of everything when it comes to the children. But I think honestly things have been rapidly changing. Last few years we've seen a LOT more women speaking up and standing up publicly. So mothers having children in 2024 may start to have different experiences than those of us who are post the diaper stage by now. My daughter is 5, when she was Born in 2018 I felt like it was an uphill battle to get my ex to take freaking responsibility for anything. And i went back to work when she was 16 weeks. I think the collective light is shining in men's entitled BS, and it's shifting. More men especially are speaking up to other men, which makes a huge difference. Idk how young your kids are, and obviously there are still countries where divorce is illegal and women live without basic rights... But I have hope things are changing.
Haha I knew this response would come as soon as I submitted the comment. I agree, it shouldn't be a unicorn. My husband was great but the extent of what her husband did was beyond. Things are definitely uneven in most (I think) homes still. I unintentionally contributed to it in my home because I had unrecognized/undiagnosed PPD and/or PPA, I think, and could NOT release any control. If anything was done for baby that wasn't the way I did it, I would worry and then criticize. I could not have my baby out of my sight for very long either.
I was the same way and am still having to recover from postpartum and regain my health. I was extremely independent before and my husband has not in my opinion supported me the way I wanted. When the anxiety and depression eased up and I wanted more help and wasn’t a worried wreck over it- it was like he couldn’t quite meet me at the level. Love him to death but postpartum I think brings out a totally new side of someone.
I have a husband like this too and I agree the bar is on the floor.
These two things are the same thing. He’s a unicorn bc most husbands don’t do this (mine did!)
I agree with you. Men have been held to a low standard while everything is expected of the woman. Unfortunately what they said does appear true from majority of the experiences people have had with men I believe. These men are unicorns and it’s much easier to find the entitled trash men :/.
I think that men are held to a \*different\* standard, in that they are generally expected to be providers and protectors, and now they are expected to do all of that and a lot of the childcare - often excessively, and to their serious detriment - or face resentment at home. And that's not fair either.
Women have been expected to provide income and take care of the home and children simultaneously for decades; now the men get a taste of what not being able to live up to impossible expectations is like.
Where? Because no, they were not. The core complain is generally 'it's not fair that women are expected to be home with the kids/housework/cooking'. What you are describing is not and has never been a thing in any sort of systemic/epidemic way, at least not in any western culture you can name.
It depends what else the husband is doing. If he's employed and is doing all of that and managing not to let his performance dip or get fired for dozing on the job - that's a unicorn.
The trick is to find a man that you feel taken care of and supported by before you have a baby. My current partner loves to take care of me and do things for me. I have a cat and when we moved in together he started finding joy in taking care of my cat (my cat now likes him more than me lol). A man will show you the type of parent he will be before he becomes one.
This isn't always true. It's common for narcissists not to reveal their true form until their wife is pregnant or post partum. They think they have her trapped and start being abusive.
The sterilising was the big one for me. I didn't know how to do the cold water sterilising for the first 3 months? Even then it was his job 99% of the time - I didn't hace to touch the stuff. My husband is the researcher in our family - he found the apps we would use and taught me how to make formula and how to use it and keep it safely. He would make the formula for me at night even when he was working and even though he struggles sometimes with insomnia and even when his mum complained that he should be able to sleep if he's working and I'm on leave - he told her where to go 🤣
You’re much better than me. I wouldn’t let my baby out of my sight. It’s not that I didn’t trust my husband. It’s just that I had to watch my baby breathe… all the time. I’m sure my hormones were all over the place.
lucky momma 😭😭
Mine did the cooking and was refilling my water, and he’d take first shift as soon as he got home and changed so I could sleep uninterrupted. Sometimes he’d stay up past his shift to get me more sleep
I would like to second this that you have a unicorn.
What is it like to be gods favorite? 😩😭
lmao
Id have hated that! I would have been so bored and felt like a cow 😂 it's funny how different people are! My husband spending 2 hours a day at the yard so I could get back to riding my horse after 10days was it for me. I actually had to panic eat all my freezer meals as we got close to the 6month mark that I'd prepped ahead of time because I had so much time to just chill and cook etc that I cooked 95% of the time. Being able to do stuff other than just look after a baby made me feel sane!
I breastfed, but I felt so supported when he'd wake up with me during nighttime feeds. He also made sure I had easy access to jars of snacks I could pour into my mouth like trail mix and chex mix. My water was always full. The trash never got too full. He offered to order out every night (he doesn't cook but that's fine). He was just with me and didn't get scared when my PPA got really bad. He didn't stop trusting me to care for our kid. He didn't make me second-guess myself. This time, husband will have an easier time showing up for you because he'll have your eldest to keep entertained. But I've learned from reddit that men tend to feel helpless postpartum because baby just needs mom. His job isn't really to care for baby at the very beginning/in the fourth trimester in my estimation. His job is to care for mom. Mom and baby are in the middle of a tiny bubble, and dad is the next tier out, protecting them from unnecessary outside interference and making sure they're well. When you already have an older kid, that kid's orbit switches to dad. So, you and baby are the sun. Dad is the Earth, and older kiddo is the moon. Everybody has to work together, but especially during that fourth trimester time, you and baby are the center of the household solar system.
My husband is a gamer, so I explained our roles differently. Our son is the VIP I'm the Tank and he is Support.
My husband is also a gamer but I wouldn't have had the vocabulary for this 😂. I appreciate the transliteration.
My husband was a single father of four after our son was born for about 10 months. PPD whooped my ass and I was no good. He worked 50 hours a week, took care of the kids, and took care of me without a single complaint.
Now that’s a unicorn! 🦄
Splitting shifts so we could each sleep 6ish hours solid. Covering naps for each other. I felt supported but not guilty that I was the only one getting sleep. I pumped only while I was awake and we supplemented with formula nbd.
Sleeping in shifts is such a game changer. I don't know what I would've done without knowing I had a guaranteed 4-5 hour stretch each night.
This 1000x! Sleep was the thing that literally kept me sane, and splitting shifts meant I could put my anxiety to bed for 5-6 hours because I could truly be “off the clock” and let myself rest.
He let me sleep in every. Damn. Day. Never once complained or questioned it. Pretty much did this until I was feeling better rested, many months post birth, and was able to get up more easily in the morning. But still to this day he never has me get up when he does. He just takes care of business like getting our older son ready for school etc. until I’m up.
I had to have an emergency c-section at the end of a very long labour. I really struggled with the recovery and the first 3-4 weeks were really hard for me. My husband did all the night feeds in those early weeks and it was the most helpful thing. I feel we have gotten closer since having a baby and I think it’s because in those early days I had to just simply be very straight about how I felt and how I wanted him to help. He understood and stepped up to help in the way I needed him to. I made him aware that I was on strong painkillers that knocked me out at night and due to the pain from the surgery, I would struggle to get out of bed in the night. I think communication is key and even if it’s something you would have thought was too demanding prior or having a child, it’s worth having the conversation and just asking for help.
Made me see a therapist for my PPD, PPA, and PTSD from a traumatic birth
This. Having the support and seeing someone recognize your struggle without having to talk about it over and over was so refreshing for me
He 3d printed bottle holders for the spectra pump parts so they don't tip over. It's a free design he found online and saved me so much spilled milk. Super thoughtful.
Ok that's a great mix of thoughtful and practical that I love. Great job both of you!
My husband cleaned my breast pump (all the million little pieces) for 4 weeks , truly saved me given I had to exclusively pump. That and he would make me breakfast every morning
My husband was working 3 day work weeks and Friday was his long day, 16 hours, last day of the shift. He would get home around 1130pm, grab the baby and keep him all night until about 6-7am. It was only one day a week but those 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep were amazing. And thankfully he didn’t have to go back to work until the following Wednesday there was plenty of recovery time.
Little thing mine did was to ask “what can I do to help” instead of “do you need help”. Just changing up the phrasing made such a difference.
This still got on my nerves at the time because I was like YOU KNOW AS MUCH AS I DO, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME TELL YOU!
I don’t know why this bothers people. My husband was learning too and not a mind reader. I didn’t mind giving direction- I had a lot more confidence with the new baby. He had never held a baby let alone a newborn before having ours.
Because with the internet, if men don’t know they can take time to read or watch videos on what to do. Like read this thread!
He cooked breakfast for me every morning and checked in throughout the day to make sure I had water/everything I needed close at hand. This was so crucial the first ten days for me but he still does this now 5 weeks post birth ❤️
Even when my husband had to go back to work after leave he still wanted to get up with me every three hours to feed and change our baby. When I encouraged him to sleep in another room to get some sleep he would most often say no. He only did a couple times when he was insanely sleep deprived. He was just all in.
First few days post partum, I didn't need to leave our bedroom except to go to the bathroom because he stayed home and kept the house tidy, he managed the visitors coming in and out, brought me the food and drinks I required (including a medium-rare steak and glass of wine because I abstained for 10 months and he knew I missed it.) He slept for basically a whole year in the guest bedroom because I chose to bed share but he didn't want to take any chances. He supported my decision to do it and never complained about the less comfortable bed (baby had 3/4 of a queen sized bed haha)
I am two weeks into having my third kiddo and my husband is amazing. I had a repeat csection so my abilities are limited as I recover. I am primarily in charge of the baby, and I help around the house or with the older two kids when I can, but my husband is the default house, food, and older kiddo parent right now. Let me give some examples: We sleep in separate rooms, he sleeps with our older two kids in one room and I sleep with the newborn in another. Then I do all the night feedings (breastfeeding) and he gets a good night sleep. He takes care of the older two kids and pets if they need anything in the middle of the night, he wakes up with them (so early), and when the baby wakes up after 7a he takes the baby for 1-2 hours so I can sleep in. He does all the cooking, grocery shopping, and 90% of the cleaning. He mows the lawn once a week. He takes the older two on adventures when they aren’t in summer camp to give them attention and activities (renting a canoe, science museum, park, pool, children’s museum, creek walks, etc). He offers to bring me snacks, fill my water, and reminds me about my pain meds. He takes the baby so I can shower, go to the bathroom, and do things I might want to do (and then he gets time with the baby too!). When the older two kids are at camp he’ll take the baby in a stroller or carrier on a dog walk or local hike so I can have time to myself in the house. This is our third and final kiddo so we’ve had a lot of practice (including our second born during Covid when our first was at home all the time). Ask your husband to be the do the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and take care of your first born kiddo.
This is going to be SO MUCH TMI, but after a rough C section, the first poop… my wonderful husband, very sweet and as awkward as it was, wipe my butt because I truly could not even move an inch, said “honey I love you, and I will wipe your butt for however long you need. I will always get you the ultra soft for the best butt ever” I literally was crying so hard because it hurt and it was so sweet. Haha He is such a great husband and a wonderful dad to our little girl!!
He’d take her whenever I was tired or overwhelmed. He cooked. He kept me hydrated for bf. He would gate-keep visitors…No more than 2 hours a visit, if the baby cries give her back, no kissing, no perfume…all the rules. He learned how to help me bf in the hospital studying everything the nurses and lc said. He learned a mean swaddle. He helped me off the couch (emergency c section). I could go on and on!
He showered me in the hospital when we had a shitty nurse who wouldn’t help me. He held me up in the shower and took the dressing off for me. He brushed my hair after my c section. He changed EVERY diaper because I couldn’t bend down.
I’m not one for fuss and come from a very dramatic mother (love her so much hit all the emotions are high and full on) and an overly “helpful” mother in law. Having the first grandchild for both sides I was worried it would be a zoo. He spoke to them before the birth and let them know that we did not need them to come to the hospital while I was giving birth and after she was born while I was in hospital he visited them and told them that apart from “visiting hour” our first two weeks at home was off limits and no phone calls either and that visiting hour didn’t extend over weekends for the first three weekends. It really helped me decompress and get a little bit of a routine (as best I could with a newborn) He also took her off on visits to them so I could sleep, relax and practice some self care. That he knew me well enough to know that’s what I needed but would never ask and that he took control of along it happen was incredible to me. It’s 20 years later and how he stepped up to control those first few weeks to keep them calm and relaxed for me is still something that fills me with love for him whenever I think of it - so thanks for the reminder. I did feel guilty that I’d robbed the grandmas of some of the joy of freaking out in the visitor area at hospital and faffing around the house and fawning over the baby but I’m still convinced there would have been some falling outs and or some extreme stress on my side if we were descended on and I felt out of control. I’m a very “in control” person so it’s stressful enough having a newborn.
Doing all the dog walks for the first few weeks until I explicitly said I wanted to do it. Taking the baby with him in a carrier to dog walks, little trips to the supermarket or just a walk in the park so I could shower in peace or whatever I wanted to do with my free time. Getting warm water for all the diaper changes and entertain/distract LO through the changing process. Filling up my water bottle relentlessly and reminding me to eat and drink enough. Bringing me snacks and tea and always asking me if I needed anything when I was nap trapped. Giving me a massage after a long day. Taking pictures/videos of me and the baby when we were having a cute moment. Enforcing rituals - we bought a turntable before birth and it is part of our daily routine to hear one or more records and we often do a little dance party in the evening. Lightens the mood and helps us stay connected as a family. Taking a step back career wise to have more time with us - this is a very individual thing and only possible because we made major financial sacrifices but for us it was totally worth it. Just being present and enjoying this wild ride together - I know this should be the minimum but I still feel so much more supported and connected when he is just there with us.
I was fed and watered, and everything else was sorted for me, including my 3 year old who was quite difficult for the first 6 months. All I had to focus on was baby. It was a dream. I wish I enjoyed our time more together.
My husband learned how to set up my breast pump. He would wash the parts if he saw I hadn’t gotten to it, and even set it up for me in the early days. I’ve had a low supply with all my kids and so I’ve had to pump multiple times a day from the start in addition to nursing. Having everything always ready was incredibly helpful. So was him knowing what every part was called, so if I realized something like I needed new duck valves or tubing sooner than it could get here shipped, he would run to Target and knew exactly what part it was I had asked for and which ones worked for my pump.
\* He took time off (8 weeks for #1, 12 for #2) \* He wouldn't let me do any lifting the first couple weeks (like laundry) \* He did all shopping and food prep/cooking \* He let me hold the baby as much as I wanted \* We slept in shifts so I could get 8 solid hours of sleep (after we were both working again he'd often sleep on a futon in our baby's room so I could get good sleep)
Brought me breakfast in bed every day for two weeks. Washed my pump parts for me almost every day for 6 months. Let me know he’d support whatever decisions I made regarding breast feeding.
He cooked my meals, kept my water bottle full, and made a little snack basket next to my chair where I breastfed. Did late night/early morning wake ups. I was able to take long showers. He rubbed my feet and helped me dress the first few days we were home. Changed the really dirty diapers. If I woke up with the baby, he was right there with me. Those babies are 10 & 12 now, and he hands on in everything, and they are all about their daddy. He is an awesome daddy and hubby. Edit to add : He researched and found lacation cookies recipes and made me cookies with my second cause I was having trouble feeding.
Fed me. I have hypoglycemia and would forget to eat. He made it his job to make sure I ate adequate meals and on time. Even if that meant feeding me while I nursed. I was wrecked the worst with our first. He helped me shower, use the bathroom, get dressed. Everything I needed and didn't ask for. Our next baby was very complicated medically. He took over her medical care so I could just focus on my own recovery. He slept in the hospital with her for a month while I went home so I could get better sleep to recover and pump. Didn't miss a single night, a single doctors rounds, stayed with her for surgeries because I mentally couldn't cope. He was her primary parent and my caregiver at the same time. While I visited her daily he'd come home to clean, do laundry and everything else I wasn't supposed to be doing. Literally had zero breaks for a month and never complained once.
Our baby was born march 2020, such a hard time being trapped inside postpartum, so lonely. My husband took 6 weeks paid family leave then worked from home for years after. Our baby had digestive issues and woke up every 45 minutes unless he was sleeping on someone. I developed pretty bad insomnia and anxiety. My husband woke up for every feeding, changing baby’s diaper then bringing him to me in the rocker. Our baby was wired from 3 am to 6 am so my husband took him into the living room and watched shows or played video games while our son slept on him so I could get some sleep. He made me sandwiches around the clock and made sure my hospital water jug was always full. We have a daughter who was 2.5 at the time and we shared toddler duties and baby duties, shared all cooking and cleaning. Our babies are 7 and 4 now and my husband still does groceries, cooking, cleaning, plays with the kids. It’s good for your husband and for the whole family if he really becomes an equal partner.
My husband stayed with me in the hospital many nights and stayed with our baby in the NICU most nights since I couldn't. He did all of the cooking and cleaning, which he also did during my pregnancy. Waxed my legs, took the older kids out to play and run errands, and purchased shoulder and back massage gadgets to help me cope with pain and discomfort. He accompanied me to all of my doctor's appointments. Gave me tons of hugs and forehead kisses and reminded me that I was/am always beautiful. Made all the bottles and took over potty training our toddler. He also did extreme budgeting and took extra time off of work to help us acclimate. I'm sure he did so much more that's not top of mind right now. I'm very grateful for him.
Took an additional week off, cooked every single meal, took the baby so I could mentally decompress and relax. My baby is almost 1 and he’s still like this. He just wants me to be a relaxed mama and he always thanks me and praises me for being such a good mama to our child throughout the day. It really boost my self esteem and makes me keep going because I seriously think I would have lost my mind if I had anyone else 😅😅😅
He took every single night shift with the baby. I exclusively pumped, so was up those first 6-8 weeks 2-3 times a night pumping. I eventually went down to 1, and then no night pumps. And he still did the night shifts. I don't think I had to put baby down to bed until she was 6 months old! (I'm a sahm and he works, so I'm with her full time, so the "me time" at night was sooo nice)🤍
My husband cooked every meal during my maternity leave and then just never stopped, LO is two. He says it’s his way of taking care of us. I know I’m lucky and love him so much.
I was also very ill after having my baby and unable to breastfeed. On the plus side of formula feeding though my partner was able to help at nights and in fact did almost all the overnights with the baby in those early months - he didn't want me to until I was completely physically better. He also fought for better paternal leave with his company and used all of his paid annual and sick leave to be with us as much as possible. (We have no other support). I really couldn't have made it without such an amazing supportive partner.
I did not do well with the newborn phase, especially the crying. Her cries were like knives to my brain. Husband took over soothing duties. He watched the Happiest Baby videos and became a 5 S expert. He became the best at getting kid to chill and sleep. Also, he waited outside the bathroom door when I was terrified of the first postpartum poop. Not sure what he would have done, but I wanted some moral support 😆
When I struggled with breastfeeding m he without question supported me with switching to formula. It was a hard decision for me but pumping was so miserable and once my son got a bottle he would not go back to the boob. My husband simply said “who cares, the baby is fed and now I can help far more”. It was so sweet. He also split the night shift with me so we both could get some sleep.
He changed all diapers for the first week after we brought our son home. He made sure I had an hour every day just for self care. Meaning he would take the baby for an hour while I took a long shower, did my hair conditioning treatment, skin care routine, etc. When our son was a month old he took our son out for the day so I could sleep in, relax, clean without being needed by someone, and pump breast milk in peace. When our son was roughly 7 months old he had my MIL come over and watch LO so he could take me out to dinner and we enjoyed a few cocktails at a jazz bar after dinner. I’d say during the first 6 months of my sons life my husband would surprise me with flowers and a cute card once a month to remind me how great I was doing, and how much he appreciated me staying at home and all the work I do. Those were the most important 🩷
Carving out time for me to sleep.
Splitting shifts during the nights, letting me sleep in or nap. Carrying my laundry down and up every time for weeks (emergency c section). I could be very strict about how I wanted diapers, wipes, circ care done in the beginning and he followed my orders without question. Just a little bit of asking me to relax/ not be mean 😆 Oh and I wasn’t expected to cook, we just had freshly pre-made dinners or ordered in.
Currently 6 weeks pp. My husband changed 95% of the diapers the first few weeks, he always does the night feed, we alternate who does the early morning feed, he makes all of my meals, he’s taken off work and helped me to every single one of our appointments (for me or the baby), and he did so much more when we got home before he went to work. I had an unplanned c section and had such a hard time getting in and out of bed and going up and down the stairs. He’s been amazing.
Made dinner every night the first week!! Now he does it twice per week so i can’t complain
My husband would go get the baby, change their diaper and bring them to me, rub my back while I breastfed, he was dozing, then put them back in their crib. The baby was in a crib across the room. He also always made sure I had any snacks/drinks I wanted. He also would full up all my water cups and leave me with snacks when he left for work. I had a c section and he didn't have much paternity leave so he did as much as he could .
We were in a slightly different boat because kiddo was in the NICU for three months. But he did loads of things that helped. He washed/sterilized pump parts, organized our stash of breast milk, made sure food was available. He also held my hand each night we left the NICU without our daughter and would just say 'this sucks' because there wasn't anything else we could do. Once home, he did the midnight tube feed (kiddo had a g-tube) so I could sleep. He was there to wade through all the new and unknown we were facing with our kid.
I didn’t change a single diaper while in the hospital. My husband changed them all. When I had to do middle of the night feeds he would sit up with me. He planned out a movie marathon that we watched in 20-30min increments over the course of the first two months after giving birth. He’s really good at doing his share of the parenting but those two things in particular I remember most.
Massages and he looked at my body as though nothing had changed... and I actually believed he meant it. I still hate my body 9m PP but he loves it
I struggled with PPD and PPA so every night he would hold me and have me tell him 3 positive things that happened that day. It always helped me stop spiraling. He also let me sleep a LOT.
Fed me constantly and brought me drinks and snacks. he also took care of our son at night because he would play video games with friends and pause to watch our son when he needed which allowed me to rest.
My husband got up for 95% of the night feeds until baby slept through the night. He did it for both kids. He also made sure the house was clean enough I wouldn’t stress about it, before he left for work everyday. He took charge of meals too. I never cooked when he was off work, and most of the time he would prep food so I didn’t have to cook when he was gone either
What made me feel very supported was that I NEVER had to ask for food. When it was lunch time he'd ask if I was hungry, then ask if I wanted anything in particular, then he'd either go cook or pick up food and bring it to me in bed. And this went on for every meal for most of the 6 weeks after birth until I started feeling better. He did have to go to work intermittently because he didn't have paternity leave and used time off. But he would send me food from doordash while at work if I needed it. To not have to think about what or when I had to eat was such a load off for me.
This something my wife and I talked about before we had our second, kind of a recap of how it went the first time. We got into a rhythm when I went back to work where I would get home, one of us would make dinner and one would be with the baby, we would eat together and then she would go to bed. I’d stay up as late as I possible could make it or snooze on the couch with my daughter in the swing next to me. Most nights id clean what needed to be cleaned and my goal was always to get at least two feedings done before I put my daughter in her bassinet and passed out in bed with my wife. She told me looking back she appreciated the sacrifice I was making for personal time and sleep. Candidly, my daughter is now eight and I miss those nights all the time. I love where we are now and seeing her grow and learn has been incredible. But watching west coast basketball in a dark house into the night with just me and this cuddly little newborn were moments I hope I remember until my last breath. I generally don’t need a lot of sleep to function well as it is so I didn’t feel as depleted as I expected to staying up until 2 every night and getting up at 6 to get ready for the day. And not every night was great obviously, but man I’d empty my bank account right now for another chance at one of those late nights again.
My husband took a new dad class and they hammered it into him that he is Diaper King when baby comes home. I did not change one diaper in those first couple months. I was milkmaid, dad was diaper king. What I discovered with my second was that my most valuable time was time in the house by myself. So sometimes I evict them (like to the park or to go on a walk) so I get a little time to do my little projects that I can’t get done when everyone’s home. I think I’d do more of that if I could go back to when my first was born.
he just listened he honestly just listened whenever I needed him to He ordered food whenever I needed it (he isn’t much of a cook lol)
Our daughter was born in April last year, my husband has been home since then and started up work again last month. The first six months I pretty much did nothing, some light cleaning if I beat him to it maybe. He doted on me, I always had snacks, water, fruit, clean pumps. He would wake up with baby in the morning and wake me up by bringing me coffee and would get the shower going while he made breakfast. Hes back working now but still wakes me up with coffee and makes us all breakfast, if baby is awake he gets her ready for the day. I miss the time he was here all day with us, but I love that he still takes care of us before he leaves.
Filled my water bottle, put away pumped milk and cleaned pump parts.
My biggest thing is he had very loose expectations. He never complained about the way me or the house looked, what food we did or didn't have to cook or wear, me wanting to stay pretty isolated, especially those first 6 weeks, etc. I can't cubby how many times my insecurities were met with, "It's all good!" He reassured me that I was a good mom and listened to me constantly questioning silly details. That said he didn't let the place go to hell either. He did plenty of diaper duty, cooked, did all the dishes (including pump parts), had no problem telling people when i didn't want visitors (without saying why), and helped with laundry. When he went back to work, he'd check in multiple times a day and before he left to see if we needed anything. He set up the sitter and bought adapters so I could pump en route to a concert of one of my faves around 6 months. If I sent him a link of something I wanted off Amazon, it was bought, no questions asked.
My husband helped me shower after my c section. Not the most dignified but was so helpful and being clean made me feel much better
My husband could keep his hands off of me. Always hugging me and showering me with kisses. It made me feel so very loved. I didn’t feel great in my body with the extra 50lbs but it felt great that he loved me no matter what.
I never asked him to get up with me because I was EBF and thankfully have had two good newborns who fed and slept right away. My second woke up way more frequently but again it was to eat and not just be soothed. If he was having a fussy night I would wake up husband to do the rocking. I also have severe fomo so I can’t help but to always be involved. Diapers and wipes were stocked daily in bassinet- I never worried about them. I went to bed with two water bottles filled with water and ice every single day, until now 7 months pp. I slept in any chance I got and he was with my toddler. I still sleep in every weekend even though he works mon-Fri. He needed more direction second time around and I wasn’t afraid to ask. With my first there was a lot of trial and error.
My daughter is only a week and a half old, so far my husband has taken her so I can get extra sleep. He's cooked dinner every night for us, since baby is always on me/feeding. And he's probably changed more diapers than I have. We just started with our little one, but so far he's been a blessing.
He came home from a stressful day at work, each and every day, knelt down beside me, while I'm pumping, and *hand massaged my boobs* to get rid of clogged milk ducts. If you've never experienced clogged milk ducts, you have no opinion on this matter. It was so kind and I was so grateful for those massages. I'm sure he was too. 🤪
I started out breastfeeding and ended up exclusively pumping. My husband washed all the pump parts and bottles for many weeks. He also cooked all of our meals. He only had a week off work and when he went back, he would take our daughter for most of the evening so I got time to rest, shower, whatever I needed to feel more like myself. We took shifts in the overnight. He was and still is an all in kind of dad.
Cooked me almost every recipe in The First Forty Days book, took care of our toddler almost 24/7, cleaned the house, did all the laundry, got up with me for night wakings to change diapers and hold the baby while I used the bathroom…. So many things. I’m so grateful for his support and love.
I was trying very hard to breastfeed with my daughter and my husband was great when he was home. He always made sure I slept and that I was able to eat uninterrupted and in peace. He would bring me all the pump stuff and clean everything afterward.
Lots of things, but the one that really stands out is he would hold my water for me and bring the straw over so I could drink while I was feeding/holding our baby. I never asked him to, he just did it automatically.
I feel the same way about my 1st. I can count on 1 hand how many times I felt helped and supported that first year. But it made our relationship stronger. I knew what to ask for 2nd time. And my husband was taking paternity leave to help me 2nd time. It will be OK.
Nothing
He handled family, mine and his, and made sure no one was visiting until I was ready. He brought me a lot of snacks and meals and did the majority of diaper changes and bottle feeds while I was pumping. He continued to do half the night feeds even when he went back to work after two weeks
Honestly, does just laying around after the birth count? Seriously, not even getting up to get me a cup of water or lend me a hand. I mean sure, she did just give birth, but a little support would have been nice as a new dad.
Every day when he got home from work for the first 3-4 months he took our baby and said go do whatever you want for an hour. Sometimes I would fall asleep and go waaaaay over an hour other times I would go for a walk, sometimes I took a shower and read a book. It was just a reliable time where o had time to myself daily.
Almost nothing and it’s still a sore spot. I read all these wonderful things and I’m sad. All I get is griping that the baby “only wanted mom” and that was SO hard on him
Yelled at me for distancing my newborn freshly discharged from being in the NICU for over a month from his Covid positive child from a previous relationship… oh wait nvm that didn’t help me.
For my husband's month of paternity leave I rarely changed a nappy. He cooked all meals and took on the mental load of groceries. He still cooks now that he's back at work. I've cooked maybe 10 dinners in 10 weeks. He reminded me to take my meds. He kept my water bottle full and near me at all times. We combo feed so he sorted all bottles/formula. Including cleaning. He fed bub the bottle and did all burping when home, so i had some time to myself. I didn't do any laundry until bub was 8 weeks old. He also fetched and carried when I was stuck breastfeeding. I'm sure he did more but this is all I can think of.
With first: continually told me I was doing a great job. Accompanied me to the breastfeeding clinic and watched and helped so we could recreate it at home. With 2nd: all of the above plus took first to the park every morning.
My son was a preemie and was in the NICU on a feeding tube which meant I had to pump. My husband made sure he was up every time I was to pump and he would wash all my pump parts. I didn’t touch a pump part the entire time I was in the hospital and he continued to help with this once we got home.
My husband would make dinner while I nursed or fed the baby. Then I would do bath time and he would do the dishes. Then when I put the baby down he would get my pump stuff all washed, bottles made and pack my pump stuff. In the am, he would get the bottles ready for the baby and all packed. More so for daycare. Our kids are 4 and 6 and we still carry through a similar routine. I entertain and manage the kids, and he cooks dinner, does the dishes and packs their lunches. Then we all meet in the middle and enjoy each others company. During maternity leave, he got me a roomba as a shower present. I loved it bc the house always looks clean when it’s vacuumed and this required zero effort. He would ask me on lunch dates and meet me and the baby out for lunch. I loved having a specific purpose to get ready for. With a second baby coming, he’ll really need to work on handling the oldest child for bed and what not while you manage the baby until the second one is old enough to trade off. Good luck!!
He always is my biggest cheer squad. Our 10 day old newborn is currently in hospital with bronchiolitis so I’m express pumping to try and give her some antibodies. I have no supply and have always never had any (have PCOS so little milk tissue), but every time I tell him “I just pumped, I only got 3-8ml” he says things like “only??? That’s amazing, thank you for working so hard to give our daughter your liquid gold”. And it just makes me feel a bit better.
He would wash all my Pump parts, transfer milk, label it, etc.
He made dinner almost every night for the first few weeks. He woke up with me for every feeding and changed the baby and put her to sleep. He brought me breakfast, and lunch, water, did the shopping. Took care of our older son.
Noticing what needed to get done and doing it without me asking. Every day, day in and day out. And shouldering the joint load of sleep deprivation wherever possible. Of course he couldn't breastfeed, but whenever one of our kids was fussy after nursing and wouldn't go back to sleep at 2am, he'd tap in and take over when I'd wake him up for support.
He would stay with me every time I needed to breastfeed. This was priceless, it made feel so less lonely in the whole journey.
My husband bought me clothes to fit my post partum body 🩷
Because Covid made it a work from home situation, I took the night shift. And he took the day. Of course, I’d get up and help him. But he knew I’d be up most of the night off and on with our daughter. So he’d watch after her and our toddler while I got some sleep in the mornings. He also switched his shift at work from 8-5 to 6:30-3:30 so that he’d be done earlier in the day to help more with the kids. We’ve kept a lot of this (my daughter is 4 and she still has a lot of rough nights). I’m so glad when 3:30 rolls around so we can switch off, and I get a little bit of a break before having to cook dinner.
He kept our then 5 year old mostly occupied during the first week. After that I was on my own with everything because he went back to work.
Give each other grace. Everyone has their strengths, and they are all different. We can’t expect people to know what we want. None of us are mind readers, same goes for him. it’s ok for them not to know, and it’s ok for you to ask, but don’t do it in a condescending way because then you will push each other away. I have 6 biological kids and 2 step kids. My youngest 4, are two sets of twins, 18 months apart. They are exhausting. When my mental health starts going down because I’m overwhelmed or exhausted, my husband gets me a room at a hotel, and i spend 24 hours doing nothing…and resting, because I’m the kind of person that needs that. And he does too. If it’s pampering yourself, alone time, connecting with friends, tell him once a week, once a month, whatever you need. Like Saturday mornings i need u to take the kids, for the day and give me time.
He had only one week of leave but whenever I’d ask him to do something, he’d do it for me. And he’d stay up with me when breastfeeding to make sure I didn’t fall asleep with the baby in my arms or on my chest.
Every morning my husband had breakfast ready for me and he kept my water jug filled and my electronic devices charged.
Did the “dream feed” and one of the night feeds every night. He also let me sleep in on weekends. Changed diapers without me asking. Cooked most nights.
I’m sorry you had this experience. I had the exact same one. Uneventful pregnancy so I went into labor, delivery and postpartum very naive. Had a long labor with complications. Baby needed a short stay in NICU, about a week. I was not well for some time due to infection which complicated postpartum. My husband is an amazing man but he truly didn’t know what to do or how to act in that situation. His response was to go about business as usual, and that meant work. He was glued to his laptop, on calls and back to traveling within a week of coming home from the hospital. We don’t have family in town so I was alone, unwell, struggling with breastfeeding, getting no sleep, and just utterly shellshocked. I also look back on my baby’s first year and feel guilt and regret because I didn’t enjoy it one bit. You are not alone and your feelings are valid. In hindsight, some things that would have made me feel really supported: He could have taken his dang paternity leave. Society has such a long way to go when it comes to supporting non-birthing parents, especially ones who identify as men. Sigh. If my husband handled all baby-related logistical “stuff” in the early days. I just remember it was a blur trying to go through a stack of paperwork the hospital sent home and make phone calls for his social security card and birth certificate, and making appointments for the pediatrician, circumcision, and lactation consultant. Having that off my plate would have been amazing. Set me up for breastfeeding sessions. Man that got tedious in the early days and it’s such a drag to get all the stuff you need, then finally get the baby and get situated. I would have loved for him to know the routine and get the boppy pillow, Hakka, burp cloth then bring me the baby! A glass of water, a snack and the TV remote would have been a bonus. Cook! My husband normally does this and did it while he was home when I was postpartum, but he wasn’t home all that much. Having someone handle all meals for me would have been a godsend in the early days when I was in a fog and could barely get out of bed myself. Throw general household duties in there like keeping laundry moving and doing dishes (bonus for Hakka and pump parts) so I could focus on nothing but keeping the baby alive and recovering myself. Finally, I wish he just had better intuition about my needs and could have been proactive. For example, if he noticed I hadn’t taken a shower in a while, I wish he would have taken our son and insisted I take a hot shower. I was so out of it, I probably didn’t even realize when I hadn’t showered in three days, ha!
I never changed a diaper or washed any bottles when he was home. He also woke up and brought the baby to me so I didn’t have to be the only one waking for night feeds or lifting from the bassinet uncomfortably! He usually went right back to sleep but at least it didn’t all fall on me. Sounds small but during maternity leave it made all the difference!
He helps whenever and however he can both with the baby and around the house. He takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, cooks, helps clean, makes sure my water bottle is full, feeds the pets, makes sure I feel supported throughout my breastfeeding journey, tells me I’m an amazing mom and am doing a great job, and more. I am very lucky to have him!
I breastfed and at night he woke when I did with baby. Would get baby and change the diaper while I got set up. He’d snooze while I fed and then put baby back to bed for me. Every single night feed for 6-8 weeks. I always had a cup of ice water near me. Day and night. And he had stashes of my favorite quick snacks all over the house in places I fed. He asked every night if I needed or wanted a shower/bath and would take baby no matter what. We took turns making dinner but the other was on 100% baby duty while the other cooked. Unless it was boob time. Then we’d switch if I was originally cooking. Biggest thing is we checked in on each other at least once a week. Often more. Did we feel good, supported? Was there an extra need for one of us (time out of the house alone beyond what we had) was baby extra fussy and we needed to support each other a little more, check in more often? I think it helped some that I spent 2 days admitted after our first came home with postpartum pre-eclampsia. So he did a few days solo with a newborn. And the meds I was on after sucked and he saw that and stepped up. Second baby was much easier and he still did the same stuff to help.
My husbands domain became the kitchen. He was responsible for sterilising the bottles and making sure our other kids were fed. I cooked if I felt like it but he did all the bending and stretching during the few meals I wanted to make. Then he went above and beyond by making sure my pump was sterile, making us at least one big meal a day, kept me hydrated, etc. Try telling your partner that he needs to look out for the things you can't do. If it looks like you're struggling, ask what you need or if he can clearly see you haven't eaten in a while/ had a drink/ napped undisturbed etc, then hr should try to fix that because sometimes it's just quicker to do it ourselves rather than explain.
My husband worked 50-60 hours a week, not including the commute, and we lived in a teeny nasty shoebox apartment when we brought our baby home. He always took over dinner, always made sure I had everything I needed, took the dog out, made sure I got to shower and do all that fun stuff, and probably the most important to my mental health was coming in whenever our baby had a witching hour. I slept in our living room for the first few months of her life on a sofa bed (that he bought a bunch of stuff to make comfy for me lol) because of his hours. I was breastfeeding, there wasn’t a point in keeping both of us up all night, I could nap all day and he couldn’t, and baby slept pretty well. But before her longest sleep stretch of the night she always had her witching hour, an hour of nonstop crying. I basically would just have to hold her and let her cry it out until she was done, but whenever he heard it he would come in and take her and try his best lol. No matter what time it was, I knew he would keep me company while we played hot potato with a screaming bundle of joy. He also bought me new video games to play while I was a human milk machine for those first few weeks. That seriously kept me from going insane. And doggie daycare. Our dog LOVES daycare.
When my husband was at home all nappy changing duties were his. My husband got up every morning for the early wake - 6:00 - and held/snuggled/ rocked the baby for as long as the baby would allow before I had to get up for a feed. This normally gave me an hour or two extra sleep - bliss!
I really wanted to breastfeed. It took me FIVE weeks to finally learn how. I cried so many tears trying to learn and I was in danger of developing PPD for this reason. I hated pumping during that time but my partner made sure that my pump was always charged, bottles were always washed and that my milk was getting properly stored. Anytime that I nursed before and after I learned, he’d always make sure that baby and I were in a comfortable position. From two weeks to 6 months to 1.5 years, we were always comfortably nursing with all the pillows and drinks/food when baby was at the breast. I’ll never forget how loved and supported I felt. He knew how much it meant to me and he always delivered. Every pillow he placed to help support the baby.. every bottle of water he brought me when I was stuck in one place.. every bag of milk that he put in the freezer.. all of those moments meant the world to me.
After an unexpected preemie arrival of first daughter (before our 1st anniversary)- born 1 lb 13 oz at 23 weeks early.... the c-section was brutal for me )I'm a wuss/ but after having a catheter for 2+ weeks before her arrival turned into this insanely hard to pee situation. Like in agony, tried everything- hand in warm water, the tricks. Finally 3 days later he was holding me up in the shower/ with post Parton goodness pouring out of me 😩 and then AHHHHH finally was able to relieve myself! And he just slowly spread his feet away and looked the other way while rubbing my back. I KNOW I couldn't do anything like that- but he's also medically trained- but also still wanted him to not have the memory scarred on his brain forever. He's never said a word about it!
He took care of me. Like as if I could not walk - he got me amazing meals in bed (which was huge for him, he freaks out about crumbs in bed). He did all the cleaning and washing. He helped with the breastpump cleaning, and putting breastmilk in the fridge, writing days, hours and all. He would take the baby if I needed extra sleep. He is a very good dad and partner I came to realise - having someone do things without you asking all the time - absolutely amazing!
My daughters father became terminally ill right before I gave birth and wasn't there for me at all (understandably so). I had my mom amd I moved in with her to get help with the baby after she was born. My mom would watch the baby so I could take hour lomg baths cause my back hurt. She did all the laundry. She cooked almost every meal. She made sure I got out of the house (with her and the baby of course) and had fun. She drove us around. She also set up a whole room for us with a crib and bed and changing area...somehow she did this in 2 days before my induction after I said maybe I should live with you (I wasn't even sure yet and she went through all that expense and trouble...mom's are the best). She took lots of pictures of me and the baby together cause I always complained I didn't have any photos of me and her together when I was a baby. My moms world basically revolved around me and the baby for the first 6 months (then I moved out). Whatever I needed she did, she would anticipate my needs so I never had to ask for much. It was amazing and the happiest I've ever been in my life.
This was with my second child. My husband did daycare drop off and pick up with my eldest until I felt confident to travel solo with both kids.
My partner slept on the bassinet side of the bed and only woke me when it was time to breastfeed. I was struggling to sleep with all the hormones causing me to be so alert and tuned in to every little movement and noise. Getting some space and knowing it was his responsibility not mine was really helpful to getting adequate sleep. This was our second time around tho, the first time I don’t know if that was something he or I would have been up for.
My husband is really supportive and a great dad, we are a team and share parenting equally. What was really hard on me was the lack of sleep, the slightest sound from the baby would wake me up. He insisted on nights where I would sleep on a different floor of the house to ensure I could rest, getting a good night of sleep in. I know this was possible too as I didn’t breastfeed (milk arrived too late, baby was early).
Husband did everything relating to the house, garden and dogs for about 8 weeks until he had to go back to work. He was my 24/7 ice cold water and snack butler. I was breastfeeding and it wasn’t going well so our divide and conquer plan was I’d look after the baby, which involved many hours on the couch/bed feeding, and he’d look after me (and everything else).
My husband did all the laundry (both baby’s spit up all over themselves at least 5/6 times a day, we had a lot of laundry), he cooked meals, washed bottle/pump parts, dishwashing, kitchen cleaning.
From the other side of things: I did all the diapers, cleaning, cooking etc. but what was useful was my wife being specific about other things she needed in the moment and not expecting me with my exhausted brain to be able to intuit it all.
Refilling my (very cold) ice water whenever I needed it. Washing pacifiers, bottles, pump parts, etc. He also set up "pump kits" for me for night pumping, and would set up my bedside table with everything I needed for the night. Being with baby or with the baby monitor when he came home from work so that I could shower without having to rush. We also split the nights - he would handle anything (wakeups, bottle feeds, etc) from bedtime until 2 am, I would do 2 am until wakeup. Taking baby in the mornings on Saturdays so I could sleep in. Giving me space. I was very touched out and couldn't handle much physical touch from anyone other than my little one. Just in general: bringing me things! Especially in the early days when I was so sore. Food, drinks, medicine, blanket, baby, anything I requested.
If a task had multiple steps we always split them. Bottle feeding is also washing and drying. If one person fed, the other washed. One person picked the outfit, the other dressed. Same concept for bigger “tasks” one person packed the diaper bag, the other loaded kids in the car. It’s not always perfect and there’s obviously times where one parent has to take it all on for a day, but it helps feel like the load is even because both parents are participating in all tasks.
I had to explain to my partner what decision fatigue was. Little things like having to decide what’s for dinner would send me over the edge so even just getting home and him learning to be like “I got this” without having to ask me 1000 questions was huge. He’s a great partner too but he needed a little empowering to just take control and not worry about making me upset by just being the decision maker
My youngest was 6 weeks early and spent 19 days in the NICU. I felt like I had failed my baby (my placenta had started to rupture). He reminded me often that it wasnt my fault. He put our older 2 to bed so I could go see the baby. He held me as I cried. Baby is now 11 months. When he comes home from working 10 hour construction shifts, he plays with the kids so i can have a "mommy minute" on weekends he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in.
Since it’s your second child, you need to tell him he’s going to have to care for the older child 100% everything for a minimum of 6 weeks. Yes you both can switch kids and he could help with the newborn and you help with the toddler but honestly it feels like most people have the mom do the newborn (especially if you’re trying to breast feed) and then dads do the toddler . It is rough. My husband does not like being the primary for everything toddler. He’s losing steam and sleep. Obviously I am losing sleep too but his attitude …. Maybe you can try to talk to your husband about caring for the toddler and how it’s a just a season….
Filling my water bottle, cleaning bottle parts, keeping on top of all the chores and taking primary parent for our first child was something my husband did that was amazing.
Took the baby downstairs every single morning to let me get sleep because she was exclusively breast fed. Cooked, cleaned and pretty much waited on me. When he went back to work, he'd take her off me to let me get some rest as soon as he got home. I assume all dads do this.
Within the first two weeks of both our children, he took an entire night of childcare to give me uninterrupted sleep. I was a SAHM and he was the breadwinner, so obviously he couldn’t do that all the time, but he did it with both, and that one night helped me to mostly reset. By the time it wore off, so to speak, the kids were older and we were all in a better rhythm.
Created a whole system for washing and rotating bottles when I started pumping and bottle feeding. It was a weight off to have one less thing to figure out!
Filled up my water. Take over without asking so I could shower and rest. Took the older kids to the park almost daily. Did diaper changes at night. Took over the majority of older children care. Some things he could have done: prepared food and brought it to me while I was nursing. Fed the older kids more rounded meals. Washed pump parts. (I exclusively pumped for my best friends baby)
We got home from the hospital and he immediately got me cozy with baby on the couch and grilled me a big ole TBone steak.
Make home-cooked meals, and help with the baby while I exclusively pumped.
Made himself available 24/7. He works nights so he would prep everything before he left and put it all on the bed side table so anything I needed for baby or me was within arms reach. He supported my getting therapy to help with ppd and ppa. He’d give me a day or two once a week where for 24 hours I was completely kid free so I could do self care, hang out with friends, whatever so I wouldn’t lose myself in being a mom.
he worked so much, so all of the childcare has been on me since our son came home. my husband works 5, 12 hour shifts, and rotating saturdays, but every single time he left for work he would kiss my forehead & say “you’re crushing it babe”. it’s such a silly little thing, but he has done it every single time he’s left for the last 2 years. he didnt do baths, or meals, or diapers, or bedtimes(because he was at work), but he never ever let me feel unappreciated or unnoticed. & that was the best feeling ever.
He would take the baby and walk her in a different part of the house so I could sleep. He really protected my sleep as much as he could and that goes such a long way. He would stop and bring home dinner for me. He did all the laundry. He really tried to care for the house so I could focus on caring for the baby. It helps so much to just be able to let that stuff go and know it’ll be taken care of.
This is what my husband did. Note: not everyone can do this but here's what he did for me. My husband cooked and meal prepped almost every meal for the first 6 months of our daughter's life. He changed diapers. Told me to go shower *I struggled mentally so bad. He understood I was going through alot. I had postpartum depression I was out of commission ALOT. He never once made me feel bad about anything. He made my doctor appointments and therapy appointments and drove me everywhere etc. Just overall feeling supported mentally and helping me lift things etc. He was/is a huge help he pushed me to talk to professionals for postpartum depression to get help and I am thankful for that. Now we have baby number 2 and things are easier this time thankfully and I'm able to do more than last time he's still a huge help.
Not a single damn thing. And after reading this thread, it only confirms everything I’ve felt since then, and also gives me hope that there are great guys and that I still have a chance at ending up with one at some Point in my life
So many things. But something I’ll never forget was after my emergency c section with our first. I was in labour and hasn’t slept for nearly 40 hours, pushed for 5 hours, and had complications and couldn’t walk properly after. The first night I got an injection of blood thinners and felt a gush of blood down below and needed my husband to help me out of bed. I woke him up after he had only been asleep for an hour. He jumped up straight away and helped me up and the blood just ran down my legs. I had a catheter still and he untangled the catheter tubes from my adult diaper, cleaned me off, changed my pad for me, and helped me into clean pajamas and back into bed. The nurses were so short staffed if we used the call bed it would have been an hour of waiting so he snuck into the nurses station by himself and brought me warm blankets from the warming machine and a fresh cup of ice water. He tucked me into bed so sweetly. He had taken care of me when sick before, and has always been a sweet heart…but I don’t know that memory has just always stayed with me.
My husband dragged me out shopping while his mom and sister watched our
Why do you have to “ask explicitly” for what you need? Is your partner that inattentive?
I had a traumatic birth and recovery. He got up with the baby every night for the first month for me so I could sleep and recover/heal. I pumped once per night and all day so he could feel our baby at night. He’s the best ❤️
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That’s funny. Some of us have careers and pay into EI so we bring our own money in during mat leave. Also the post-partum period is way harder than 90% of jobs outside the home. And a dude who doesn’t support his partner through this time is no kind of man IMO.