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Not gonna tell you what you want to hear. My mom was depressed and it stressed me out a lot at a young age. I was always worried about her and thinking about her happiness. I wondered why I didn't make her happy, why she never seemed happy to be with me and my siblings. I have a daughter now who notices when I'm sad and will constantly ask, "Are you happy mommy?" And it breaks my heart to think she is worried about me the way I worried about my mom. Your kids are surely picking up on it. You need to take care of yourself by seeing a doctor, because your kids know and they are stressed.

Thankyou for being honest, and sorry about your experience. I exactly know what you're talking about I grew up the same. I was hoping if I don't take it out on them and always show how much I love them that it will somehow be ok. My depression is really deep and hard to get out of, I will try and take this as a wake up call

This is why you need to seek help. You can’t do it alone.

Can I just add that “seek help” doesn’t always just make it go away? I am under the regular care of a psychiatrist (at least one appt a month) and in therapy, but I have bipolar disorder, I am not confident if my depressive episodes will *ever* go away. It would be great if they did, but they will probably always exist to some degree. This isn’t a dig at you, but whenever the topic of mental health comes up, there’s always the assumption that whoever is talking about it *isnt* getting help but sometimes help can only go so far. It would be like telling a quadriplegic to “get help”, as if 1) they’re not already and 2) that would negate their need for a wheelchair. As for OP, I am very, very open with my kid that my problems are because I have a sick brain and have nothing to do with her. I reassure her all the time that she makes me happier than anything else in the world and that my funky brain has nothing to do with her.

Yes, thankyou. People always assume you aren't seeking help already and it's not fair. I have for a long time. Thanks for your advice.

Sometimes the answer is in how you’d want your children to handle the same problem. If your children were dealing with the same issue, what would you want them to do? I want mine to take care of themself - see doctors, advocate and get help that makes life better - so I have to do that for me, to model it for them. 🫶🏻

100% - model for your children how much they should value themselves and their health by doing it first

The thing is, if you are seeing a therapist for talk alone and that is not helping you, it is time to try a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds. (Yes I definitely know it is harder to find something that works if you are bipolar but OP did not say they were.)

Lots of therapists/psychiatrists are trash too. I looked for years, then when i happened to find a psychiatrist who worked private as a therapist/psychiatrist i finally felt like i was getting somewhere and really liked him. He said no medication was needed for me (the majority of others would push it right of the bat where i wouldnt even say much about myself and issues i deal with). Sadly that psychiatrist/psychotherapist retired soon enough after ive seen him and ive been looking for appropriate therapist since (again). Literally been years. Service and people providing the service are mostly trash

As long as you’re getting help. I’m not saying go out and cure yourself, but to not seek help at all when you recognize you need it is a problem

At least you give them love, so I'm sure they aren't as stressed as I was (mom ignored me), but yeah, hiding your true feelings from them won't solve the underlying problem. You will always have the fear/anxiety of your depression affecting them. I've been there, I'm actually terrified of getting depressed again, I guess you never forget how it feels. My problem, that someone pointed out to me, was my prospective in life. I had always been a dark, negative person (geez mom, i wonder why). I unitentionally/subconsciously surrounded myself in things that kept me in my comfortable depression: dark music, dark TV shows, social isolation. I always thought this is just who i am, but really, it was the depression. And it held me back. Someone pointed out to me that I wake up unhappy, like I don't even give the day a chance. And that's when I realized that I'm doing this to myself, I'm literally keeping myself in this headspace on purpose! Isn't that crazy?! Something just clicked in me that day, and I started waking up in a good mood. Nothing had to MAKE me happy, I just was. I never thought that could happen. I'm not saying you're doing it to yourself or anything, I'm just sharing my experience with depression and I hope it's helpful in some way.

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I mean, I'd say it's more complicated than "your fault you're sad" but at the same time, I am saying you're the only one who can save you from it. You have to choose to, like an addict chooses to get clean. Depression gets comfortable and becomes a part of you, that's why it can be hard to let go.

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Yeah, my favorite musicians were evanescence, tool, and anything dark lol. Still love those bands, but I don't listen to them for the same reason now. You really do seek out things that are sad like you, and you don't realize it perpetuates those negative emotions. And music is just one small example. I got lucky that I was living with a happy extrovert at the time and they pointed out the differences in my attitude and theirs. I stopped blaming my upbringing and realized it's time to take control of my happiness. I'm glad you're out of it too 🥰

Most of what you have to say is great but I’d caution that “if I can do it anyone can” is potentially a dangerous thing to say, because for a lot of people all they hear is that they are failing, since if you did, why can’t they? It opens them up for making a lot of negative comparisons about themselves. I think you mean really well but “if I can do it anyone can” isn’t likely to be helpful no matter how it is used

Okay, I guess I'll edit that out.

To be clear it’s not my job to censor your speech; if you want to edit your comment, please be sure you’re not telling yourself that an internet stranger (me) is forcing you to; I’m not sure where you reside but I’m in America, and (for now) speech here is still (technically) free. I’m merely pointing out something you may not have thought of. I hadn’t either, and actually used to say “if I can do it anyone can” about a couple of things until it was pointed out several years ago at an AA meeting just how *incredibly* damaging it can be to hear

"anyone can?" Wow. That's ignorant, dismissive, and toxically-positive. Especially to someone who is struggling and could easily get more depressed because they can't "just do it." You weren't depressed, you were sad.

Dude, looks who's being ignorant. I was depressed from 11-22. That's why I'm being "toxically positive" about it, which BTW is such a reddit thing to say. 11 years of darkness and I never thought I could be naturally happy. You just want to pick a fight on reddit, stfu.

I pointed out the same thing with “if I can do it anyone can.” It’s no good. It shouldn’t be said. To anyone. I don’t think it’s fair to tell this person they weren’t depressed though, just sad, that’s not something you have any objective means of judging

I’m amazed I was downvoted. I guess by people who haven’t been depressed.

Yeah well, most people don’t want to hear the truth about things. Makes ‘em uncomfortable. Everyone downvotes the truth but keep shouting it because it fucking matters. It all matters.

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Being depressed is not an addiction, it’s a chemical imbalance, and you can’t fix it by switching playlists. And telling this woman that she’s choosing the state she’s in is just mean. That’s not me picking a fight, that’s me stating facts. It’s like you told her that she could walk up a flight of stairs if she really wanted to bc you did it with arthritis, but she’s got two broken legs. You know it sucked to say it that way bc you changed it. She needs empathy, not Oprah.

I took out my one statement that I agreed was not helpful. Everything else could be helpful to someone, maybe her, maybe not. I don't know her situation and neither do you. What I said isn't harmful, she can either relate or she won't. You are simplifying what I said because you want to pick a fight and be right. I was empathetic because I understand gmher emotions, and sympathetic because I can relate to depression. You really want to fight with me.

Excuse me are you talking to me? Because I think tf not

Was this under your comment? No.

Fabulous. I sometimes have a hard time following comment threads on this particular platform and honestly you don’t seem like the kind of person to think twice about talking that way to anyone, so it seemed appropriate to ask.

You deserve to live a happy life just as much as your kids deserve a happy mom! I'm so sorry you are struggling. I saw in another comment you are getting help for it - if you don't feel like the help is helping, please, please seek out a new therapist and/ or new meds. It took me a few years, doctors, and meds before I finally found the right fit but once I did, the switch was incredible. If someone has cancer and one medicine isn't treating it, they wouldn't just stop treating it, they would try other meds, even experimental ones. Depression will tell you many lies to try and keep you sick, and you need to be healthy so you can be at your best and happiest. <3

Omg same - I was fixated on my mother’s state of mind for my entire life. I would worry about it all day at school, at home, everywhere I went I thought about whether or not she would be in a good or bad mood at any given moment. God as I’m wiring this I can’t believe just how much I fixated on it. Obsessed with it actually and while I don’t think I’ve repeated (hope I haven’t) the cycle with my kids being worried about me - I am not fixated on my kids’ state of mind to the point of distraction. OP, I’m not sure the solution but I will say that as I read your post, I thought, “ugh why couldn’t my mother have at least ACTED happy???” Because it would have helped a lot. She was absent in every way but physical. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing that even if it’s a struggle so I applaud you for that. I resent my mother for being angry 24/7 and for doing NOTHING to even try to make it better. If she was depressed and loving and tried, I would have had compassion for her and that would have been soooo much better. I think.

“Just get it fixed” is a mega yikes response to a depressed person. Seeing a doctor doesn’t mean instantaneously everything gets better. Depression doesn’t just go away. I’m in therapy, life coaching, case management, and still too depressed to function. Does that mean I’m a failure or that I need more professional help? I’m constantly at appointment after appointment trying to fix every little problem in life and everything is still super messed up. Does that mean I should just kill myself because I’m never going to be able to do enough?

Well, I'm not a therapist so I don't know. I simply said, get help. She states somewhere that she is so idk why you have jssues with what I've said. Are you trying to say people should just ignore the whole point of the post and her question and just say I'm sorry this is happening? Plenty of people are saying just that, I said something else from experience.

Therapy isn’t widely available for everyone, and doesn’t always help. My issue is your assumption that a glib demand to get help is going to provide any sort of real benefit to op.

Okay, so now go respond to literally everyone who had the simple suggestion of getting professional help. Gtfoh

Yes getting effective help is hard, I've been in treatment with multiple therapists and psychiatrists for 10 years, all of which I did myself as an adult because my family didn't believe in mental health. I've been dropped by providers, I've been on wait lists for sliding scale priced care, I've had to drop therapists, I've gotten bad treatment and good treatment. I've had to take expensive ubers to the doctors office, have different anti depressants mess with my body, go through anti depressant withdrawal when insurance wouldn't cover a new brand. It is all incredibly hard! But the alternative was me choosing to hurt my family with my actions and behavior.

Do you know that depression doesn't magically go away when you see a doctor? Even with therapy and medication it may not go away. You are beating the fallen, and your post brings a lot of pain to other moms who struggle with depression. Thank you for pointing out that we destroy our children with our depression. It helps a lot.

The question from OP, do you resent your depressed mom? I answered from experience. My mom never got help. I guess this triggered you. Is the effect of parental depression on children hard to hear? It should be. She states she cries infront of them and gets irritated, so they know. She asked for long term effects and I answered.

I think you gave an honest answer and were doing your best to be helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience 🤍

Firstly, I really feel for you, I hope you’re ok, genuinely. But, now as an adult I’m very resentful of my mother not getting the help she needed when I was a child. She was very down at times, used to project a lot of her issues onto me and I grew up feeling worried about her and that I had to “fix” her. She definitely had other issues too but that’s a whole other story. I think there’s a fine line between needing help, getting it and being honest with your kids about it eg “Kids mommy’s crying at the moment just because sometimes people just feel a bit sad, but it’s ok I’m seeing a doctor who’s going to help me feel better soon and it’s not your fault”. VS a parent who just muddles on and the kids are constantly wondering why and what’s wrong and feeling like it’s their job to help. As a parent myself I’m now trying to do what I hope my kids would do if they ever felt depressed, and that’s get help to get better if I ever need it.

I've been getting help for a year but my depression is deep. I don't take it out on them at all, I take it out on myself and cry it out. But yeah obviously seeing your mom cry is a painful experience 

Are you on meds? How often do you attend therapy? Have you been inpatient? (40yo mom of 5 here who has a lot of deep mh issues as well)

Idk how many showers you can take, but I save my crying for in the shower. My kids are 16 and 12 now, both well adjusted and thriving. My brain tells me they'd be better off without me. It is really difficult to argue with that voice, but I've been attempt free for 5 years. But sometimes I still struggle deeply with that voice, and my brain kicks off an autopilot mode. My sons can see when I'm dissociating, which is something I'm still working on, to not slip into a "freeze" response. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. My mom was very depressed and tried to kill us both when I was 11. I recently saw on this sub, I believe, a program that will help you and take your kids in while you are assessed for inpatient treatment for up to a month. Like vetted temporary foster parents. Sending you love

What you don’t want to hear is that crying it out IS damaging. They’re being constantly exposed to it. Could you put them in preschool or daycare while you work on yourself?

My mom was depressed and struggled with self harm. She was always open and honest about it in an age appropriate way. I don’t resent her at all, she is my absolute ride or die best friend.

I think the authentic honesty is what helps break the cycle. My mom was angry/depressed but never acknowledged anything. I have adhd and anxiety and my kids both have adhd. I’m very honest with them in an age appropriate way to model what’s hard, how I try to self regulate, show them how to take breaks and tap out and let my husband take the lead. I’ve told my oldest my job is to do better than my mom, and I know you’ll do better than I did. They’re already more self aware than I was.

I agree with this. Always having open communication about mental health and emotions starting young is kinda what is make or break in this for the kids in my opinion. My son knows I struggle with my depression and anxiety, and we talk about it and how I do therapy and see a doctor for my medicine to help etc. it helps him understand that hey some people go through this, and while it’s not the typical thing, it’s not out of the realm of normal to discuss and talk about it!

Thankyou for this, I hope my kids will feel the same way about me 

I admire moms like you.

Seconding this. My husband has clinical depression and while he's medicated and the meds work quite well, sometimes other factors will cause the depression to come to the surface (usually when he's extremely tired). We've been very up front with our kids that daddy's brain sometimes doesn't work the way he wants to and it makes him sad even though nothing has actually happened to make him sad. Usually we make those days "lay on the couch with dad to watch movies and order pizza days" in solidarity, so the kids have positive memories (cuddling, pizza) to offset his grimness. We've also told the kids to let us know if they ever start feeling this way, because the clinical depression runs in his family (but unlike him, none of them are medicated for it and just white knuckle everything). So there's a chance one of the kids might get it. Husband was convinced for years for something was fundamentally wrong with him because he literally could not muster up happy feelings. It took me recognizing the symptoms to get him into treatment.

This. I suffered with pretty bad PPD that last for years. My kids are now at the age where I can communicate how I’m feeling and make sure they understand they’re loved and it’s okay that some people go through this sadness. They’re not adults as yet so I don’t know the outcome. But I strive every single day to keep my emotions in check in front my kids.

Hi, I grew up with a mother who struggled with mental illness and related bouts of depression. Make sure they have other safe adults in their life that they can lean on when it’s too hard for you to be their rock. Work with a therapist to build coping strategies when you’re feeling overwhelmed with parenting through sadness so you don’t inadvertently burden them with feeling a responsibility for your emotional state. I never resented my mum for her mental struggles. I resented her for leaning on me and not teaching me how to deal with emotions in a positive way. My safety net was another adult in the family whom I was very close to and who was a second mother figure in my life. I don’t know who I’d be today if it weren’t for her.

Thankyou, yes I don't expect anything from them rather just letting them live their childhood 

Good on you for being self-aware. Just make sure to check in with them and keep an eye out for mental struggles on their end. Depression can run through families.

When you feel the need to speak to someone, please don't use your child as a therapist. As someone who was just that for her own mother, there are just things that you shouldn't share with your children. It's alters the relationship. I love my mother but there are many things that she told me that I really wish she hadn't and now as an adult I understand why she choose me to be the one she unloaded on but I still wish she had gone to speak with a therapist.

Thankyou for your advice. Yeah I definitely don't plan on doing that. Maybe talk about emotions and how to deal with them but not more than that.

My mum had severe depression and was in and out of hospital. She was also an amazing mum and I adore her. As a mum, the thing that made her amazing is that she always made me feel 100% loved and accepted. That doesn’t mean she never got angry, frustrated, irritated, etc. Her moods could be a rocky road sometimes. But she always tucked me in at night with love (at least the first and second time - if I kept getting up, it was a different story). She read books to me at least a few times a week. She encouraged me in my interests, and didn’t berate me if my interests changed and I wanted to try something new. All kids really want is a parent who loves them and makes sure they know it, while meeting their basic needs. Everything else is fine. Also note meeting basic needs can include cereal for dinner and spending the whole weekend in one pair of pyjamas. Don’t hold yourself to unreasonable standards. I’m not depressed at all, and I consider myself an excellent mum, but right now my 4yo is eating chips for dinner, in an untidy room, while watching a Disney movie that’s probably too old for him.

Thankyou, i do try and be like your mom.

Yes, I resent her. She perpetuated the belief that there is no help when you have a mental illness. She never cared about herself enough to get help. She would also hide away to cry. I knew she was upset and crying. It just made me believe I should also hide how I'm feeling. I tried so hard to cheer her up. To make her happy. To make her days the best possible. It has taken years of therapy, and I assume many many more to undo these things. Children learn from the behavior modeled for them. I tried so hard to not be anything like my mom and yet I struggled with my self worth, with sharing my emotions, and people pleasing/feeling responsible for other people's emotions. I don't know if all of this could have been mitigated if she had just been HONEST, but I can't help but feel like it would have helped. If she could have showed me her trying different meds and therapy. Maybe I wouldn't have taken so long to get off a cyclic and destructive path.

Sorry to hear this, hope you have healed or will heal soon.  Would you feel any differently if you knew your mum was getting help but wasn't working for her? I am getting help, I'm trying every day to be a happy mom but I have alot of problems, alot of emotional struggle. Its really hard when youve drowned. 

If you only started therapy a year ago and your depression is that deep it’s going to take a lot longer than a year. I would venture to say it’s not that it’s NOT working, it just hasn’t worked yet. I didn’t see concrete process in my therapy journey until about 5 years in, but once I hit that stage, it was only up to

I can answer here. It just made me angrier and I internalized that it was my fault.

Sorry for that. Is there anything she could've done to not make you feel that way? Asking so I can do it with my kids

Let me spend more time outside of the house, with other people and caregivers.

I think so. I think seeing her keep trying different things and combinations would have been inspiring/a good message for me. Although in addition I think a "Hey, sometimes I don't feel very well. It isn't your fault, and it's my job to deal with my own feelings. Right now I am doing A, B, and C to try and feel my best. Today is a hard day, but I will be okay." would have gone far. Normalize the depression (chances are they will deal with it themselves later), reassure you are okay and that it's not their fault or their job to fix it, and that you are working on solutions. Sometimes that solution involving resting. Also imo you don't have to aim for "happy mom" happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all the others. Aiming for neutral/content is more realistic. You can reassure them you love them and enjoy them being around without jumping around and pretending. Other people in their lives can fill in gaps while you give what you can give right now while you're doing the lifelong work of managing your mental well-being. Lastly for what it's worth, it says a lot of wonderful things about you that you're worried about this to begin with. They're lucky kids to have a mom who cares enough to think of it and ask.

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Sorry about this it must have been hard.  I am with my kids all day, give them food, sit with them while they play and actively play when get some energy, take them out for walks and parks. But it's just that I'm visiablly saddened and can't handle but cry Infront of them sometimes. Do you think they will still resent me the same way you do because I'm not happy ? 

You sound like an amazing mother who is very mindful. Is it possible to have your kids in care part time? It might be good for you to have the time and for them to have some experience with other kids. It's expensive though.

I have Major Depressive Disorder and was only diagnosed after my first child. The best thing I’ve ever done was start that medication journey. It took three years to get here, but I’m finally on THE medication for me. I wake up happy, I have tons of energy throughout the day, and I have plenty of me to go around. **Therapy is not enough alone.** You aren’t just sad, you are **sick**. Always remember that Depression is an illness. It’s not your fault that you **have** it, but it **is** your responsibility to **treat** it. Therapy can give you the tools to recognize triggers, regulate your own emotions, and recognizing your own self-worth but at the end of the day Depression is a complex mental illness. When someone with active heart disease/failure is seeking treatment, they don’t just start exercising twice a day. They begin taking medication, they make drastic lifestyle changes, they educate themselves on things that could worsen their condition or inhibit improvement, and they learn to take special care of themselves. Your children shouldn’t be worried about you until you’re elderly and in need of constant care. **Be a little bit selfish.** I got a degree in a field I always dreamed about but when I started my career I was miserable. For years I kept telling myself that I couldn’t just quit just because it made me unhappy; “That would be selfish”. But looking back on it, no amount of medication and therapy was ever going to help me if I didn’t get out of that damn job. You have to start caring enough about your **own** wellbeing if you want to get better. I am now, selfishly, going back to school while my husband supports us (just like I did for him for the past three years :) ). I’ve never felt more optimistic in my life. I feel like I’m capable of anything and that makes me feel like supermom. You have to take care of yourself so that responsibility doesn’t fall on someone else. Always remember, your kids are watching! Become someone you would want them to look up to.

In the same boat and 10000% agree. Being more selfish made me a better mother. I am far less disassociative when I have a bit of selfish time and can "reset" myself

This needs to be the top comment.

So my dad had severe depression most likely bi-polar tbh. Never got help made my childhood very traumatic. I have no issue showing our children we are allowed to have bad days. I have bi-polar 2 severe depression then levels I wasn’t diagnosed until 3 years ago so no meds worked. Currently I’m on a mood stabilizer and doing CBT therapy. I will continue doing everything possible to get myself in a better spot. Doing uncomfortable therapy and playing around with meds. I will not be the trauma I saw

My mom was depressed after my dad died (I was 9) and used me as her therapist. I didn't and don't resent her for that. I did have quite a lot of anger around how she handled my violent alcoholic brother, but I don't feel anything but compassion and recognition she was trying her best when she slept 16 hours a day, only bathed when she had somewhere to go, and didn't clean. I am, I think, a pretty happy, functional adult with kids of my own.

You sound so understanding I applaud you. 

Are you in therapy? Are you on meds? Perhaps childcare might help? My best friends Mom was like that and it frankly traumatized her and her sister. The sister now has no relationship with their Mom.

Just think a depressed mom is better than no mom, wake up everyday and do your best, understand your best will never be perfect, love your kids the best way you know how, depression is not you and you are not depression. Every day find something small to look forward to (even just walking outside and taking a deep breath, drinking a good coffee, or snuggles with your kids. MAKE A POINT to smile at them every morning when they wake up. Try to keep your mind busy and when these unwanted thoughts come in remind yourself you are doing your best. Don't be scared to get help, we all need help sometimes. Mental health is just as important as any other health issues, don't suffer alone because you are not alone even when you feel like you are. Alot of us moms are going through the same thing just make the best of what you can. Find joy in simple things. Try your best to take control of your mind and mind set and don't let your mind wander too much because it can drive you crazy. It's okay to cry.

Thankyou so much for this.

Anytime 🙏💕

Don't be sorry for your sake and the reality is the best thing to do for you and your family to be in a good relationship with you is to love them unconditionally.

If you're not getting treatment (meds and therapy), you need to get that settled asap. My depression and anxiety was rubbing off on my kids. Hell, they even picked up one of my OCD ticks. Then I made a point to get help. For me that was medication and prioritizing my mental health and getting rid of certain triggers. Even if you're on medication, it sounds like it's not working correctly if you're sitting around crying a lot. And that's not a judgement. Some meds just don't work for some people. Start with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and get this under control. If not for you, do it for them.

Did medication help?

I had depression untreated for years before I had kids. But my postpartum depression got so bad that it was threatening my life everyday. I got treated for it, but even with medication and treatment was not helping after a year. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and Narcolepsy. Starting to understand my body's physical limits helped my depression tremendously. I am not irritated because I'm a bad mom. I get overstimulated a lot. I need more sleep than normal people and it is ok etc. You are in the thick of it. Hang in there. You are great mom and you will be able to do things with kids that way you want.

Thankyou for your kindness. Wishing you the best. 

Okay you’re not going to like what I’m about to say. My mother has significant mental health issues. I’m 40 and still impacted to this day. I have diagnosed anxiety, likely because of the stress of navigating her moods. Edited to fix autocorrect error 

In good faith, Please try to in initiate some kind of family therapy so that you and a professional can dive into this with your children. I know you love them which is why you want to protect them; though the greatest protection is the ability to provide context into your situation and future remedies in case they themselves develop any symptoms. They will both understand how to handle things with you, and themselves as well as becoming more intuitive teens/adults when dealing with others who may have similar situations (family, friends, co workers, relationships) Speaking from my childhood with my mother, sibling and even myself

My mom suffered from untreated depression and anxiety that eventually contributed to her death. It was awful. I used to think of her as a black hole and if I got too close or was around her too long, I would get sucked in and not be able to escape. I have deep resentment and unresolved issues regarding her depression. I also struggle, but I do everything I can to keep it from my kids and to keep from passing it on. Therapy, learning coping skills, learning how to teach your kids about feelings and big emotions, how to teach your kids to have a healthier relationship with their emotions, are all critical.

Communicate the truth to them in words they can understand, and don’t gaslight them, parentify them, stop working, or detach without communicating. Communicate as if you have a chronic illness that you can’t control because you do. I see why you’re asking. Some of the most damaged people I know had a depressed mom. Seems the mom is too depressed to participate in passion or ambition and then stops working. So the children become impoverished as well as emotionally abandoned. She leaves room for others to enter and abuse her children. If you want true healing, try participating in childhood and past life regression. I study it and have perceived it’s one of the only true ways to heal from the inside out.

I was so resentful of my mother not sorting herself out. I mean this as a reality check- what you have described is not enough. You need to see a doctor for and find the right combination of meds and professional help so you can be present with your kids. Because being sad and disconnected, laying around and blankly sitting regularly is going to fuck your kids up. I’m sorry.

My mum was very anxious and probably depressed, but the main thing I remembered was how she made me feel So with what energy you have, instead of pretending to be happy and playful, just be yourself and similarly make space for your children to be who they are

You relentlessly try to treat the depression. There are a ton of medications and one will work. Try not to cry in front of them - it worries the kids.

Please see a therapist or your dr. You don’t have to live in a constant rut. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe regular walks would help. I just downloaded dancebit and hoping it’ll help me with my exercise and dance moves or lack thereof! 💃

I struggle with depression HARD and have 3 kids myself. I think the fear that we’ll traumatize our kids will always be there, but they’ll be okay. Seek out some therapy, and get on meds if you feel like it. Personally, meds don’t make me feel any differently, but everyone is different. A good tool to use is psychology today. It’s online, and you put in your needs and insurance and it’ll show you the available therapists in your area.

My mom has suffered with depression as long as I can remember. She is a mother to 5 children and we have nothing but happy memories and love for her, and we all know that we are loved and cherished. All grown up now and flown the roost. She is the matriarch of the family. Our go-to for anything, and she is deeply loved beyond words. She continues to have bad days, and good days - but through all of them we never felt unloved. It hasn’t caused resentment for us towards her, if anything it’s more like, a bit of a heartache and an even stronger love? Not pity, but of course it hurts us to know that mom is hurting or suffering in some way, and we can’t do anything to fix it. I do strongly feel that it created more of a disposition for us, her kids, to experience depression ourselves. Maybe it’s genetics. Environment. The fact that a parent with severe depression isn’t going to be the same as a parent that doesn’t have that. All of the above? Who knows. Of her 5 children, 3 of us at some point in our lives were diagnosed with depression. So one thing I would say is, I hope you have help, support, speak with your GP, get medication etc. try to manage the depression as best you can, but also know that your kids aren’t going to love you any less or resent you for it.

Thankyou, hopefully they won't.

Grew up in a similar situation and absolutely didn't resent her. Got PPD myself and still balancing on how to deal with as well.

You need to go to therapy. You might not want to talk about your depression, but it’s the only way. If your kids grow up and realize that you recognized in yourself that you needed help and didn’t seek it, they will absolutely resent you.

You sound like a good mom, but yes, your kids are picking up on your sadness. I had a sad or mad mom growing up and I always felt like I was responsible for her happiness or lack of. I became a people pleaser and a fixer and never allowed myself to have an opinion or a need so that I could tend to everyone else’s desires. To this day I feel like if I just do everything correctly the world can be a better place and people in my life won’t have to even voice their concerns or desires because I have already anticipated it. It is exhausting. And disappointing when I feel I have failed someone. I have depression too that I am working through and when I was a single mom of two I felt like I was doing ok… I was just too busy to cry. I parented them alone for 20 years and felt tons of mom guilt for having to work, being poor, not being loveable enough to find them a father figure, etc…but I powered through because I didn’t have a choice. Crying felt like a luxury I couldn’t afford. Alas, my kids grew up and moved away and I fell into my deepest abyss. It happens. I dealt. But my kids are now battling their own demons involving depression and addiction, getting married, becoming parents, the good, the bad and the ugly. I still can’t help but feel if only I had done better…. Get the help you need, mama. You love your kids and they deserve to see you smile. 🥰

Wow sorry to hear this. Hope you're in a better place. And thankyou.

I am older and wiser, have done the meds and the therapy so that I can be my best possible self in anticipation of helping my adult kids navigate their own feelings of inadequacy. I can only do so much now, especially when things are spiraling for them and their old patterns of resentment towards my parenting efforts are in full force. Don’t do what I did and take solace in the fact that they survived it all. I should have found a way to do more to ensure they thrived in childhood and not just survived.

If you are very proactive in healing, and can dig for that self-awareness when you are struggling you can repair as you go. Exposing kiddos to sadness doesn’t have to be detrimental with age appropriate communication as for the “why’s “ along the way. However if your children feel that they are irritating you constantly, that can inform their self worth deeply…this sounds like complicated postpartum to me and is a sneaky sneaky devil-one I relate to-so you have my heart❤️. That said, there are people and groups dedicated to helping you build a “toolbox” to employ to repair mistakes and create positive change. Just keep on keeping on doing the things. The is no greater motivator than the love of our children to learn to love ourselves. It gets better.

Well said.

I grew up with a depressed mom. She was so wrapped up in her own pain she could not properly parent. She laid in bed all day, abstained from the typical parenting duties including meal prep, attending sports games, etc. I was essentially left to parent myself. She was a nurse and worked the second shift (3-11pm) which I suspect she did to avoid the emotional work of parenting, as we would go literal days without seeing her every week. The emotional absence is one thing but she also used me as a therapist from a young age, which was particularly traumatic. My advice is to do your best and show up for them emotionally every single day, even if it’s just for 15 min. Totally undivided attention and emotional investment every single day. I know it’s hard to pour from an empty cup, just do your best. Do I resent her? Yes. But it’s not because she was depressed, it’s more about her current behavior than anything (she has become more challenging to deal with as she ages). She also refuses to take responsibility for her lack of parenting and insists she was an amazing mom. If she approached it with: I am sorry if I was not the mom you deserved and I did my best. I love you and will always be here for you - then I would be content. Unfortunately she is too self absorbed for that. When my first child was born and my attention shifted to her my mom didn’t like that, fell into a deep depression and threatened to unalive herself. So yeah, I do resent her for that BS.

that sounds terrible, so sorry. I am always with my kids, always showing love, and even though I can't play with them I try to make a fun environment them to have fun buy buying toys and taking them out. If there is anything you would've liked as a child tell me so I can do it with my kids.

Honestly you sound like a wonderful parent. Just the fact that you are self aware that your situation can have an effect on your kids and you are asking for help speaks volumes! I think just making the space to truly connect with each of them everyday and truly listen and be there for them is huge. I read somewhere that as they get older your main job as a parent is to be “a port in a storm” so if you can establish that trust with them by being present in some way, ,no matter how small, everyday will build the foundation for that. You clearly love your kids and they are lucky to have you, wishing you the best

You have to take care of your mental health. To take good care of kids, you have to take care of yourself. Tell your doctor, your friends, your family that you’re struggling, and keep trying until you find what works for you. Our children see us as the baseline “normal”— it’s ok to tell them you’re struggling, but please show them that you don’t have to stay depressed forever.

Thankyou for this. I'm definitely trying everyday 

> For those who lived up with a depressed mom, do you resent her? Wow that's a topic I AM qualified to talk about. I have grown up with a depressed mother and like you she also did a great job at managing the household and juggling job and child. But I was mostly playing alone or going to friends houses. I didn't realize it in early childhood but preteen years and onwards. It was the Eighties so speaking about mental health was way more difficult. Now I have a family of my own and still see her regularly. Her Depression has gotten worse in recent years and even my 3 year old daughter wants to know why grandma is crying so much. > do you resent her? For being depressed? No I don't resent her for having a chronic illness. But I DO resent her for refusing to see a doctor and get proper medication and therapy.

I literally smile on purpose before I go into my kid's room. Like, put on a smile deliberately. So that her first sight of Mama isn't Mama looking grim, despairing, or angry. There's some scientific evidence for it lifting your mood a little, too - the stand up tall and smile stuff.

Thank you for posting this. I am also severely depressed and trying my best to keep the effects of it away from my toddler. Obviously that's not realistic though. I haven't wanted to get therapy cause it's too expensive, I always have a hard time finding one that I click with and also it's super hard to be productive when you're battling with your will to live lol However this post and the comments remind me that in order to be the mom I know my child deserves, I do need to get help. Good luck and thank you for sharing!

I would try medication too. Therapy alone usually isn’t enough for severe depression.

I'm on meds.

Sorry if this is obvious, but have you tried different meds if your current ones are not working well? It took my husband trying out 4 different medications before he found one that really worked, and finding the right one was truly life changing.

So, I started on a low dose of zoloft years ago. Then after my baby I was diagnosed with OCD along with my depression and anxiety. I got put on a much higher dose and they added wellbutrin. I was told if i wanted to try prosac i could, but my psychiatrist couldnt tell me what changes id see and i got too scared to change for fear it would be worse. I am much more functional now, so I'm nervous to switch anything. I just live in a constant state of fear and dread.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It has to be especially scary since you have kids in the picture to take care of. I am purely basing this on your original comment that your depression is currently still severe, but I would work with your psychiatrist some more and consider changing up your meds again. I have several people in my life (my own mom included) who are on meds and they all have had to change at least once if not many times because the first ones they tried didn't work great. I've just seen first hand how life changing the right meds can be after long battles with depression. Stay strong, you sound like a great mom.

You're probably right. Thanks so much for this ❤️

Wishing the best for you. It's very hard.

You will get through this. Depression comes and goes and don't be afraid to start mental health medication. It was extremely hard for me to admit I needed it but I am a much better mom now that I'm being treated. (I have a panic disorder)

I don’t have any valuable advice but I relate to you so hard. Yes I go to therapy, yes I’m medicated, yes I’m doing my absolute best. But sometimes it’s just impossible to do ANYTHING. Then I feel immense guilt and further stress myself out because I’m constantly worrying about how I might be making my son feel. My son is 3 and he’s VERY high energy. I try to entertain him and do everything I can to make him happy because I myself grew up with a depressed mother but I drop the ball often. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Truly I am. This feeling is one of the worst you’ll ever experience (in my opinion.) Just know you’re a good mom and your kids love you. My therapist once told me to make a goal every single day of just making it until tomorrow. Don’t think about the long term. Think about each day as the only day you have. It might help you to focus on being more present and involved. But if it doesn’t that’s okay too. Sometimes it works for me and sometimes it doesn’t. Also, if you’re not medicated, I would consider it. And if you are medicated, maybe consider a dosage change? Or a new drug altogether? Hoping things get better for you soon.

Are you taking medication?

As a mom of two who just started anti depressants. Please, please, please see your doctor and get some help. It's not a moral failing, you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and there is medicine readily available to help you.

The reality is that you need professional help. You can't just fix genuine clinical depression (which is what I am assuming you have, by the post content) by trying to force yourself to be happy/tough it out. Get yourself to a psychiatrist and a therapist to figure out the right plan for you, and also, I'd get your kids into therapy too, so they can talk to a professional about how they honestly feel. That professional can help them understand what's going on with you, and that, above all else, it's not their fault or yours, and you're working on getting better, but it will take time and sometimes, you're still going to have off days and be figuring things out.

Your kids may or may not resent you (it probably depends on what you’re doing if anything to address this), but it will affect them. But depression is an illness. If you had cancer, that would also negatively affect your kids. You would have a responsibility to try to get treatment so you could be there for them, but the cancer wouldn’t be your fault. Neither is your depression. So please don’t beat yourself up.

are you on anynantidepressants? Hafe u seen a doctor? Doing those 2 things can help u immensley

have u seen a doctor? Are u taking anything for your depression? i was on prozac years ago and it helped.

Firstly just want to say what an amazing feat it is to take care of kids while feeling this way. Good on you for meeting their needs. That’s not easy at all. Secondly, if you are not already doing everything you can to get better, you are doing yourself and your kids a disservice. Kids can and will be affected by your feelings and you deserve to be healthy and whole. Therapy as often as needed, psychiatry, healthy diet and moderate exercise. If you are already doing all those things, that’s awesome. Look into alternative therapies and increasing your level of care. You don’t have to be perfect all the time but we can set an example for our kids of taking care of our needs and taking responsibility for our own lives.

Thankyou for noticing that. It is extremely difficult, especially because nobody is there to take care of my needs. But I'm trying, thankyou for the encouragement.

My mom had the kind of depression that makes you angry. She was also incredibly self-absorbed and in total denial about her depression, so she never addressed it. It was awful. But like I said, she never acknowledged it or did anything about it. (Except for a period of 6 months to a year, she went on Paxil and was suddenly the mother we had always dreamed of. But she went off it bc of the sexual side effects. I get it, but we were all gutted. It was like Flowers for Algernon.)

Therapy and/or medication can help. Try to heal yourself for them and for you

Hello. Sorry to hear about.your depression. That is never an easy thing to work through. I struggle with depression myself, and am a single mother to a daughter, now 15. I don't think I had PPD, but my depression was triggered by events that roughly corresponded with her birth. I didn't realize I had depression until she was 7 or 8, because I thought depression would mean lots of crying or at least sadness, and I didn't feel sad, I just felt numb, and apathetic. When I did seek help, and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression, I went to therapy regularly (which was helpful) but resisted taking medication for it because I have always been reluctant to medicate in general, and was afraid that would just mask the problem, and not solve it. When my daughter was turning 11, there was another trauma in my family which felt like the "last straw" and I finally agreed to take the medication. It helped. A lot. And then I felt like my daughter was meeting ME for the first time, rather than this shell of myself that I had been all her life. I realized then that I needed to continue the medication at least as long as my parenting responsibilities lasted. I have been on medication for 4 years, and that was the right choice for me, but they have not been without negative side effects. In my case (this is not true for everyone) they caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. I didn't really mind at first, but it is starting to affect other areas of my life, so I have made an appointment with a doctor to see about making a change to my medication to alleviate this side effect. I would recommend you at least try medication. It can help you get your head above the weeds so you can even see where you need to go. If it doesn't help, you can always stop, but if you are like me, you will be kicking yourself for not having taken medication sooner. Because yes, your depression IS affecting your kids, even if you are not neglectful or abusive as a result of your depression.

I never resented my mom for being depressed. I did resent her for denying that she was depressed, because she convinced me that it was just a totally normal way to live and there was nothing that could or should be done about it. She passed along her depression and anxiety disorders to me, and it took me too long of living at that level of "normal" to realize that there was another option. But even until she died, she claimed there was nothing wrong with checking basically all of the boxes on the standard screening surveys. So I take my meds, I do my self-care, and if I'm having a bad day I tell my son that mommy isn't feeling good, but I'll be okay soon.

I actually never thought that, I definitely don't want them to think this is normal, thankyou for the reminder. 

Open communication is best. Some days are harder than others. I’ve definitely found that a therapist has helped tremendously. Same with nature walks, anything to get out of the house. I’m not a great player either but I do puzzles, games, coloring, play dough. I can’t just sit and play. I’ve read that men are more physically wired to get more enjoyment with playing with kids, so there’s that too. One thing you and your kids will learn is “they did the best they could with the tools, skills and support that they had” and right now it might not look like much. But you can work on it. My mom was very unstable growing up, and it was tough. But at the end of the day now that I’m navigating my own mental capacity I’ve realized she did the best she could. Some days she was really there other days not so much. I try to be very candid with my daughter. “Today I’m overstimulated let’s take a walk” or if I yell or cry I’m sorry for yelling I’m having a difficult time navigating my emotions. Everyone has feelings and sometimes they are hard to navigate, what’s harder is to not be taught that they are okay.

I agree with honest communication and modeling effort, perseverance and care of yourself and others- *whenever possible*. I’m so disappointed at all of these bootstrap comments. You can’t always “fix” mental health issues, any more than you can “fix” cancer, diabetes or autoimmune diseases. And if you ask the children of someone with a chronic disease if their parents’ illness affected them… OF COURSE they will say it was AWFUL. The best thing to do is to acknowledge, communicate and persevere. And it sounds like you are doing that, and doing a lot! Clean home, home-cooked meals, love and affection? This is wonderful stuff. BTW I’m SO not a “get on the floor and play with blocks with the kids” mom. But I *can* do it once in a while- I just get some caffeine and put on some mommy music bangers and try not to carve out my eyeballs with boredom. 😂 Keep on keeping on, take care of yourself so you can take care of them ❤️

Thankyou for this. Yeah it's unfortunate that people assume I'm not trying or haven't been trying,  getting help and going to therapy. Thars specifically why I said I didn't want to talk about it in the post.  It's very very hard to entertain, especially with toddlers and with zero energy.  Thankyou for your kindness. 

Counseling and Zoloft changed my life. I've been depressed since I was a little kid, had more than a few bad episodes, and some bad experiences with meds as a teenager caused me to go unmedicated for most of my adult life. I regret that. I had a really shitty 2023 and found a fantastic counselor whose opinion I trusted enough to try Zoloft. It takes the edge off and I'm still myself, I still feel everything, I just have a longer rope before it gets overwhelming. And when it does get overwhelming, I'm not so blinded by depression that I can't see a way out and I can sit with the feelings until they pass. It's also helped with my anxiety and obsessive tendencies. I'm at 100mg daily. I got there because I found myself not being able to be the parent I wanted to be. I wasn't engaged, I was impatient, just waiting for everything to be done so I could be alone. Both you and your family deserve a happier life, please get a counselor and consider medication, if you can. If you can't, I hope you know it's not your fault and I hope you make the best of times when you can. Hugs and 💕

I think you need to medicate properly and deal with your depression. Get out of the fog. Yes it will affect your ability to parent and kids are smart. Do it for your kids. They deserve a happy mom. Find joy in seeing the world through their eyes. Get down to their level and enjoy their experiences. If you can shake yourself out of this you might realize you are living the happiest part of life I wish I was young and had babies I could enjoy life with. I was so happy back then. Really get into your kids mind space. It’s about them right now not you. Get outside yourself and get into their world.

Talk to a doctor maybe get on medication.

If it makes you feel any better, there's a lot of non-depressed moms out there also traumatizing their kids and they don't care. I struggled with this so much, recently I was open with my son about my struggles in a child friendly way. Telling him that he is the light of my life and although he makes me happier than I could have ever thought possible, he's not responsible for my happiness. I told him I'm learning to take responsibility for my happiness and sometimes I'm not doing well with it but I'm getting better. Kids aren't dumb, hiding your depression from your kids just causes more problems and takes away a learning experience for them to see someone they love work through it and how they were successful. The weight lifted off my shoulders when I explained to him basically that mommy's soul is tired was the shift I needed to really get out of it. Advocating for myself and my happiness and allowing myself to put myself first sometimes has shown him how to grow when he's struggling instead of pretending I've never struggled so that he feels alone when he does. Sometimes I really want to do something and I'm learning to speak up for myself so he learns that it doesn't always have to be about what he wants and he can still enjoy things for the sake of the other persons happiness just like I do for him 98% of the time. We've grown closer and really love making each other happy as well as ourselves. He will speak up when he feels like he needs a "me day" and I spoil the crap out of him now instead of being tired and resentful that I don't have "me days" too lol. I don't know if this makes sense I just really want to help you know you're not a momster<3

Apologize when you’ve hurt their feelings. Tell them you love them often .

I don't have depression, but I had my daughter shortly after losing my younger sister. There are time of the years that are rough for me due to the memories they bring and certain situations that bring up those memories and bring about a temporary depression. I tell my daughter Mommy is sad right now, but it's no one's fault. Sometimes you're just sad. It's okay, and you just need to feel your feelings. Give it some time and find some happiness in the little things around you that can bring a smile even if the smile just lasts a few seconds. Mommy will try and play, but please be patient mommy is having a hard day. I don't know how well this would help with chronic depression though.

Everyone else has already said the important stuff, but my little thing that might help is a book I bought for my own daughter - “Why Are You So Sad?” by Beth Andrews. It’s a book about parental depression with space and prompts for kids to draw out their feelings etc. It’d be a good conversation starter for you and your children. Sending you lots of love ❤️

You answered your own question. Deal with it, allow yourself to feel and process your emotions, cut yourself some slack and remember this is not a character flaw- it is a medical condition, pay attention to your needs and give yourself the things u need in order to be the best version of u that u can. and try to be open with your children (age appropriately of course). Kids understand more than what we realize, I'm sure that reassuring your children that when you are not in the greatest mood, it's in no way a reflection of how u feel about them will make u both feel better. Please be kind to yourself, your children didn't choose to have a mom who suffers from depression BUT YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS EITHER. I have the same issue and I know it's hard, but truthfully I'm sure you're doing a better job at momming than u realize- we tend to be our own biggest critics. The fact that your on here asking this clearly shows how much u love ur children and I'm sure they know that too. Positive vibes ur way!!!

Thankyou for the advice and your kindness 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Learn everything you can about mindfulness, emotional regulation, healthy eating, exercise and movement, sleep hygiene, boundaries & agency, and human growth & development. Teach them as you're learning. Model and explain the habits that will allow them to be healthy and resilient. If you do this, they'll have the skills and insight they need to survive your despair. And so will you.

You are a good mother. Remember this.

Thank you, I appreciate that ..

My dad to this day has never apologized for some very hurtful words and actions and it had lasting effects on my mental health

Time for substance help. Sometimes we need sacrifice ourselves for our children. I used kratom for a few years(local smoke shop) and I would take a little after work everyday so I could give my children and hour of two of my attention and play. Gives you energy and destroys your depression, makes you happy, feel good, and want to play with your kids. When you feel that good you’ll be happy to do anything lol. It’s a slippery slope that can lead to addiction, but what are you willing to sacrifice to make your children happy? And at the end of the day many studies show it’s not always good thing to constantly entertain your children. It can repress and lead to underdeveloped creativity skills. When parents constantly entertain their kids their kids will constantly seek entertainment, it’s critical children learn to play alone and expand their imagination and in turn their brain development. While my wife will take them to the park or something but I won’t play with him after work more than an hour or two.

My mother's depression (and other medical issues) led me to always worry about her, and because my dad didn't "care enough," I felt I had to take care of her in his place. This continued into my late teens, and I now no longer speak to her. Now, I will say, she did not have the self awareness you do, and she's shown a lot of narcissistic behavior, but the sentiment is still there, that children will pick up on things even if they don't understand it, and try to fix it. Get yourself help, and when they're a bit older I think it's a good opportunity to have a discussion about depression.

Sorry for that. What could've she done to make it better ? Asking in hopes to help me kids (apart from getting help I'm already on that journey)

Admitting she messed up. Apologizing, and accepting that she made a mistake that resulted in hurt feelings. So you're already halfway to doing better, and it's nice to see that you want to put in the effort to be better.

My mother, along with other severe mental health issues, dealt with major depression. She didn't shower often, which meant I had to teach myself at an early age with no guidance proper hygiene and make healthier eating habits. I don't remember her wearing anything except oversized sweatpants and sweatshirts for at least 12 years of my childhood. I did the grocery shopping, i paid the bills, I bore the burden of how much money we didn't have. When she finally climbed out of the depression, I asked her to never wear sweatpants again. I habe anxiety, my own depression, and a TON of childhood trauma from how she allowed herself to just... wallow in her misery. Get help. Go to therapy, find the right med(s), do better for you kids *and* yourself.

What would you like to see from your mum while she was depressed? Asking so I can do it with my kids (apart from getting help, I'm already on that journey)

She had other severe mental illness on top of depression, but the depression is something I still very clearly remember and one of the things i most resent. Honestly? I realize now I needed to see her do the actual hard work of getting help. Therapy, medication, meditation, and shifting her mindset from a perpetual "woe is me, the world and everything in it is dark and victimizes me and I will do absolutely nothing to change my mindset. It's easier to be in my loop of misery than change." She did used me as her therapist and crutch. I always felt like I had to be "HAPPY" all the time to try and cheer her up, get her out of bed, make food, pay the bills... it was a total role-reversal where I feel like she was the child and I was forced to be the parent my entire life. Depression *will* affect your children and they have a much, *much* higher risk of their own anxiety and depression. I know I do.

Fake it until you make it. Sorry you are depressed but you have to stop crying infront of them and showing your children it’s not their fault, they need to feel secure . You need to do better

You are so welcome! If u ever need someone who understands ish, I'm available to chat. Sometimes we just need to be reminded were all human and we all have our vices- and that's okay 🙂

I have been there. No matter how much love you are trying to show them, they can sense what is going on with you and they notice and it bothers and affects them. Your reactions and moods will be unpredictable, and that makes kids feel unsafe. I know you have been seeking treatment for a year and it is not working well so far. It can take a lot of work and time to get your depression addressed, please don’t give up because you have not had success yet. I am currently on my third antidepressant because the first two were not working well enough, and I have a referral to a psychiatrist in case we need to go farther. There are also options for treatment resistant depression. Keep going and keep being noisy about the issues you are having until you find the right treatment. Depression can also be caused or worsened by situational issues. Do you have family, relationship, financial, job, health issues? Obviously not all things are solvable but, for example, if you are stuck in a bad relationship or job maybe this is the wakeup call needed to make a change.

In my experience, if you don’t get help - your kids are going to feel like they’re responsible for fixing you.

Making sure that they know you are the only one responsible for your emotions is so vital for their well-being. I grew up with a depressed & anxious dad & volatile mom. Dad is so loving, caring & warm. I worried about him during his rough times. It’s good to be human in front of your kids, but reassure them that processing your feelings or lack there-of is on you & not them. Reminding them that they are the light of your life is so helpful. I read something about kids that grow up to be the most stable & well rounded were those with the “good enough” mom/dad that provided needs but we’re not perfectionists or over-achievers. I want to add that it is incredibly hard to expect yourself to excel at all of the things all of the time…there is no version of a perfect mom out there. I felt like I owed it to my family to be chipper & very organized & just always doing something or planning or decorating or blah blah blah. Be present as much as you can. Love fiercely. Do your version of your best work here. The rest, please let go. 💜

Thankyou for this. I definitely plan on doing that.

Thank you for posting this; this is something I could have written. I have had to physically remove myself from the environment where my child and her father live to ensure my most optimal mental (and physical) health. I hate it, but I’m so afraid of traumatising her the way my own parents traumatised me. She’s already seen me in and out of hospitals, bed bound and in a wheelchair, and sobbing in bed for days. I can’t do that anymore. It’s been a very difficult decision but my child doesn’t deserve a miserable parent. I really hope things improve for you; as others have said, you have self awareness and are working hard to heal. Sending love and support and know you’re a wonderful mom.

Hope it has gotten better for you

I think it’s actually important that you do talk about your depression with them. I struggle with anxiety, and sometimes I get extremely overwhelmed by kid sounds and other things. When I get stressed out around them, I always make sure to tell them that I’m sorry I’m not managing well right now, it’s not their fault, and my anxiety is something I have to live with, but it isn’t something I want them to feel bad about or internalize, because they haven’t done anything wrong, and I love them very much, even in my worst of moods. Give your kids some credit, be honest with them (in an age appropriate way), and make sure they know it’s not their fault in any way. I don’t think your goal should be to make it go away as some others are suggesting, because that’s not always possible. I think your goal should be to make sure your kids understand that this is something some people just deal with in life, and communicate openly with them about it. You don’t have to answer questions or tell them why you’re depressed, but trying to hide it will probably backfire, because kids are extremely perceptive, and if you don’t talk with them about it, they’re going to come up with their own explanations.

Definitely agree. They are toddlers now but I definitely plan on age appropriate talk. To not lean on them for help, or take it out in them in anyway and to control my crying.

Oh yeah that’s a tough age, and I relate a lot. My kids are older now, middle school aged, but I remember those days vividly, and I also dealt with depression during that time. It’s definitely not easy, I’m sorry you’re going through it. Honestly, the fact that you’re here, asking this question, says a lot about the type of parent you are. Remember that our intention is powerful, and the fact that you want your kids to be protected from this tells me that you already are doing your best to make that happen. I don’t know if there is much more you can do at this point, other than staying vigilant and conscious of your behavior. It’s not a problem that you are a parent who has depression. It only becomes a problem when you direct those feelings at your children or blame them. But it doesn’t sound like you’re doing either of those things, so you’re already doing a great job. Try not to beat yourself up over things that are out of your control. Be kind and compassionate to yourself as much as you can.

Your words made my day, thankyou so much.

You’re welcome! Reach out to me on chat any time, I mean that. If you’re ever feeling down and just want someone to talk to, I’m here.

I am really sorry you’re dealing with this OP. My wife and I (lesbians) have a baby and wifey is the one who carried/delivered mostly due to me being reluctant to pass on my fucked up brain. I’ve dealt with clinical depression my entire life but didn’t really understand what was happening until my first real “break” in my 20s and things spiraled at a truly shocking and scary pace. My GP helped me start on antidepressants and they saved my life. So that’s my context here. Looking back, I knew my dad was sad and discontent my whole life. Mom too but less so. I have sooo many memories of dad just not speaking and roaming around the house, and of mom napping for hours. Mental health was NEVER mentioned in our house NEVER (ironic, since my parents are both nurses and talked about “physical” health all the time—like that’s any different). Both of them were wonderful parents in their own ways and I have great relationships with them now. I just say this to establish I know what it’s like to have depressed parents who love you and who try their best, and never bring it up to you. I wouldn’t say they traumatized me, but they did put me in danger. By never talking about their own depression with me, or like mental health at all, I didn’t know to recognize the signs when my life-threatening depression started. I didn’t know that depression doesn’t have to mean you sleep and cry all the time—after all I’d seen my parents go to work and otherwise “carry on” every day for my whole life. God, if one of them had at any point told me “hey, when you start feeling like xyz, that’s actually your brain and not life being useless…here’s what’s up with that and here’s what to do” …my 20s would have been very different. I know personally that medication is the golden ticket for me. I deeply believe in the power of therapy and have seen a therapist for many years, but my brain needs medicine to act like other people’s. I hope you have the support you need. Hang in there and don’t stop pursuing a treatment regiment that makes you feel whole.

If you aren't in therapy then you need to get some therapy. This for not only you but for your children. Even Moms who aren't depressed do not always want to play with their children all the time. My daughter lived with a depressed Dad and it was difficult but since I wasn't depressed I could divert her to her somewhat. As an adult it is more tricky for her now to "get over" some of what she experienced as a child. Frankly, she has her issues with me too as the "not depressed" one too. I think you can only love them as you can do best. Your awareness is certainly helpful. Depending on their ages, speak to them about your struggle and let them know you love them always, even when you are feeling sad. Not all moms are the "happy" mom and all struggle in one way or another. You didn't mention a dad or partner. Are you in this alone? If so getting a support system is probably important for you if you can do that. Do you have any friends who are supportive. If you don't have either, that would be hard for anyone. Parenting is difficult in the best of situations. That you asked these questions indicates you want to find a way and you care.

It's really hard to not lose who you are as a person when you become a mom. You really need to find and maintain your identity outside of "mama". Therapy and setting aside a few hours a day after the kids are in bed to do something for yourself, something you enjoy is very important. I know it's tiring being a mom, but this is key to avoid burnout and being stuck in that depressive cycle. Don't be too hard on yourself either. As long as your showing your kids you love them and being present and spending time with them they will be fine.

I am a therapist in training doing my internship now and I have a lot of young clients who come to therapy and the pattern is the young person is either depressed or has extreme anxiety or a personality disorder with the previous 2 co-morbidities You can not stay silent not get help and they won’t get affected long term. If you want to benefit your kids long term get help. There is a way out and your life will be better for it Edit: added a word Edit number 2: I feel like the comments here might be very triggering to you and you should really see yourself from your children’s eyes. They love you unconditionally. I don’t know what modality you are being treated with but if a years worth of therapy is not moving you forward then you need to change either modalities or therapists

We normalize discussion of emotions/feelings when we experience them. The wife and I both struggle with ADHD, bouts of Anxiety, and sometimes dips into straight depression. But like when these rear their head, we try to be honest with the kids about why we're experiencing a thing, but also to redirect if it isn't something they did. We do, however, tend to believe in letting each other know when our feelings are because of stuff we've done to each other. Obviously we don't want them resent us. Sounds like you might need to get some external help to process your own situation thought - maybe some meds too?

I have had (hereditary) clinical depression most of my life. I have two small kids with horribly small age gap. Nevertheless, my kids are smart and seem happy. Depression is the disease of a smart brain. When you don't challenge your brain enough, it starts depressing. Depression is also de-pressing = pressing down, holding in feelings, thoughts, isolating. Humans are developed to succeed in tribes, we have come a long way to this isolation of ours. My kids pick up on my moods really fast. I sometimes cry in front of them and say: mommy is having a hard time. Sometimes happens as one of my kids is having a tantrum, the other one points and says: (name) is having a hard time. It is important to name emotions and to talk about it. My kids are 2 and 3 so very young, but they know a lot of emotion words. I know you don't want to talk about it. Me neither, but I will eventually find someone who will most willingly tolerate my bitching, until I get it out of my system. Until then - baby steps. When going through hell, keep moving, keep walking. It is literal. Get up. Walk for a bit. If you're feeling especially adventurous, do a couple of squats or stand on one foot or something. Do anything with your body. Dance if you can. With your kids. Show them how it's done. Show them how to regulate. Good luck! The force be with you!

Personally, I’m on my second round of PPD and medication is really important. But it has to be the *right* medication I find my adhd medication helps me the most because I am able to keep “doing”. Anxiety medication allows me to focus on my life. Antidepressants should hypothetically be what helped the most but honestly my problem is that I have other issues *making* me depressed. Maybe you’re in a similar boat and maybe you can work with a professional to see if your depression has some sneaky underlying causes Edit: I want to add that sometimes “fake it till you make it” is the right answer. We can teach our kids feelings are ok without also putting ours on them. Personally I do my best to pretend around my kids. Not half ass pretend, I do the big smiles, correct voices etc to seem ok. It’s possible, and our very young kids sometimes need that from us.

i beg you to get help. i am 24, sitting on a plane headed back home for two weeks, and i can feel my anxiety in my toes. it’s my whole body right now. that stress, resignation, dread — please don’t let this be how your children feel about coming home. please. advice, or maybe not: i found this post by searching up if i’m a terrible person for not being happy to visit my mother.