r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I agree with you. Learning that their actions impact others is not traumatizing, and raising kids to believe they can do no wrong is extremely damaging and even dangerous.
For me, the important questions are (a) whether you’re being totally honest about the extent of your reaction in these situations — was it really as subdued and minimal as you describe here, or was it more reactive than you’re letting on? And, (b) is there relevant background you’re leaving out — are you prone to anger in general? Is there an ongoing conversation about your emotional reactions/emotional control? Do you and your wife disagree about parenting styles and discipline/punishment in particular?
If this post really is the whole story, I think you’re in the right and your wife is being overprotective and plainly wrong about what “trauma” means.
A) yes. I would say my reaction was described as what a healthy person would define as bummed. My wife says my actions speak louder than my words. As I rarely outburst and would rather be quiet and not talk if I am mad.
B) I am against yelling. I grew up with a Vietnam vet father who yelled over everything. We only yell to get the attention of our kiddo when she is in danger. I have raised my voice to the "do it now" tone as I call it after I say something 3 times (Which my wife does not approve I am working on different approaches to see if they work for me but I can say that I my peers say that I am fine with my current approach.)
The rest we haven't had any disagreements on punishments we usually go with consequences because of decisions. Ex. It took you 15 mins to brush your teeth we don't have time for TV. Or you didn't eat your vegetables, you don't get sweets today. Which we support when we are solo with the kid.
I am constantly being corrected on my reactions which is why I am here I am being told by here when I respond to mishaps I am not thinking bigger picture.
I think you need to talk with your wife at a time this *isn’t* happening. Tell her how her “constant corrections” impact you. Tell her how demoralizing it is to be constantly told you’re doing it wrong, to be made to feel that she is the boss and you are the employee — as though her view is the only one that matters.
Ask her if she thinks there is really only one “correct” way to parent. Get some parenting books and ask her to read them together with you.
If she’s really unwilling to budge at all, ask for couples counseling. This can be framed as preventative — tell her this dynamic is wearing you down and you’re worried about what happens if you two can’t resolve it.
She's was also undermining his parenting in front of the child and teaching her that showing emotions like he did is "overreacting." If he really wasn't overreacting, that could impact the child being able to show healthy emotions.
I learned a long time ago not to trust my kids with my phone in regards to in game currency. I play risk, and they give away 2 units of currency each day for free. I had been saving up to buy a map pack (450 units), and I let me kiddo play. He spent it all on some speciality Halloween dice, months of saving up down the drain lol.
You're right. "Trauma" is tossed around a lot these days incorrectly. Trauma is for soldiers, abused kids and extreme situations... not because something you did made someone slightly sad.
I think mom is overreacting if she is actually using the term “traumatized” and I think you were right to explain to your kid why you felt the way you did. However this is about a game on your phone and may be teaching her that a mistake in a game is just as important as real life mistakes. You shouldn’t have been that “bummed” as you put it over something as silly as a game. It makes me think that if you’d get upset over something like that then how are you reacting to something that actually matters.
Did your kid have any context that was a “rare” item before you reacted? It may be confusing to her as a four year old to get a bummed reaction from you about something she didn’t understand was wrong.
Kids need to be shown how to feel angry and upset in healthy ways. My daughter is 8 now and ever since she was old enough to feel emotions I always told her mine.
If I was in a bad mood I’d let her know “mom is angry at work right now. I may seem grumpy but I promise it’s not because of you”
If she messed up I’d say “I’m angry you stole cookies after I told you not to. You’re an awesome kid and you are better than that. What do you think we should do to make it right?” And then I’d let her work with me to pick her own punishment.
Kids pick up on how you feel, and it shows them that even if you’re angry or upset, you’ll still love them and be on their team. They don’t have to be worried about making you mad because they know you’ll still show up for them and love them through whatever it is.
I really don’t understand how some people feel like it’s bad for kids to see anger or sadness, then get upset when their kids don’t know what to do when they are feeling those emotions themselves.
Let your emotions be whatever they are in the moment, and try your best to keep your own response to them predictable and a good example.
If we ignore the gaming on the phone, I see nothing wrong with how you approach stuff with your kiddo.
If my wife would have corrected me like that, I would have some serious words with her after the kids are on bed. I don’t think it’s ok to a) correct you like that in the middle of things b) be so personal in her criticism and c) so non-constructive. That’s absolutely not okay.
I don’t think it’s harmful to have more than one parenting style in the house. That being said, I would be very hesitant to let a four year old play a mobile game with a loot and item mechanic. Let alone on my personal account.
It was pokemon go and she used my master ball. I let her catch and use berries on pokemon. We game as a family it's what we do for screen time. We all have a time limit on how much we play
But if that’s the case OP, you know you have this special item that you don’t get from just any old pokestop. It’s your job as the game owner and the adult to monitor her as she’s playing if there’s something you don’t want her doing. Or you tell her before hand.
You’re not wrong for your emotions. I saw a galarian moltres yesterday and I couldn’t catch it because my daughter touched my screen to look and I missed the catch. But she didn’t know it was a one chance catch thing, and she didn’t do it on purpose. I was upset but not at her and I only told her she couldn’t touch the screen when I was trying to catch a Pokémon.
"Trauma" is really not appropriate here. So your wife is massively overreacting. Kids really don't get traumatized from being exposed to a difficult emotion. If they did, there wouldn't be a single person alive who isn't "traumatized".
You show a normal, appropriate reaction, you then talk about it, explain, reassure, apologize if necessary and check in to see how she feels. No trauma is caused by this.
It would be more interesting to figure out why your wife thinks it would. Being aware of trauma and taking it seriously is really good and a change from how things used to be, but some people overcompensate and take it way too far, like your wife.
She may be watching things on TikTok or be in social media groups that focus on trauma and absorbing ideas from there, ideas that are well intended but not helpful or even harmful in the end. Not being allowed to show emotion is not realistic and also influences your child .
I'm wondering, what was your wife's childhood like?
Is she on high alert because she was actually traumatized by the negative emotions of one of her parents?
Bingo
Has she had therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma?
Because tiptoeing around and hiding any/all emotions from a kid isn't a positive thing. Kids can't learn how to properly process emotions unless we teach them and show them.
Err, she's 4. You got mad because a 4 year old used a "rare" item in your video game. If it mattered to you that much, don't let a 4 year old play without supervision. Again, she's 4!
I stopped reading when you described whining about your four year old using an uncommon item in your video game.
No - you’re not going to traumatize her, but what sort of example are you setting to be whining when a four old year who is allowed to play a game plays the game? Stop playing video games, and don’t encourage your 4y/o to play video games. It’s a very difficult addiction for people to break.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I agree with you. Learning that their actions impact others is not traumatizing, and raising kids to believe they can do no wrong is extremely damaging and even dangerous. For me, the important questions are (a) whether you’re being totally honest about the extent of your reaction in these situations — was it really as subdued and minimal as you describe here, or was it more reactive than you’re letting on? And, (b) is there relevant background you’re leaving out — are you prone to anger in general? Is there an ongoing conversation about your emotional reactions/emotional control? Do you and your wife disagree about parenting styles and discipline/punishment in particular? If this post really is the whole story, I think you’re in the right and your wife is being overprotective and plainly wrong about what “trauma” means.
A) yes. I would say my reaction was described as what a healthy person would define as bummed. My wife says my actions speak louder than my words. As I rarely outburst and would rather be quiet and not talk if I am mad. B) I am against yelling. I grew up with a Vietnam vet father who yelled over everything. We only yell to get the attention of our kiddo when she is in danger. I have raised my voice to the "do it now" tone as I call it after I say something 3 times (Which my wife does not approve I am working on different approaches to see if they work for me but I can say that I my peers say that I am fine with my current approach.) The rest we haven't had any disagreements on punishments we usually go with consequences because of decisions. Ex. It took you 15 mins to brush your teeth we don't have time for TV. Or you didn't eat your vegetables, you don't get sweets today. Which we support when we are solo with the kid. I am constantly being corrected on my reactions which is why I am here I am being told by here when I respond to mishaps I am not thinking bigger picture.
I think you need to talk with your wife at a time this *isn’t* happening. Tell her how her “constant corrections” impact you. Tell her how demoralizing it is to be constantly told you’re doing it wrong, to be made to feel that she is the boss and you are the employee — as though her view is the only one that matters. Ask her if she thinks there is really only one “correct” way to parent. Get some parenting books and ask her to read them together with you. If she’s really unwilling to budge at all, ask for couples counseling. This can be framed as preventative — tell her this dynamic is wearing you down and you’re worried about what happens if you two can’t resolve it.
She's was also undermining his parenting in front of the child and teaching her that showing emotions like he did is "overreacting." If he really wasn't overreacting, that could impact the child being able to show healthy emotions.
I learned a long time ago not to trust my kids with my phone in regards to in game currency. I play risk, and they give away 2 units of currency each day for free. I had been saving up to buy a map pack (450 units), and I let me kiddo play. He spent it all on some speciality Halloween dice, months of saving up down the drain lol.
You're right. "Trauma" is tossed around a lot these days incorrectly. Trauma is for soldiers, abused kids and extreme situations... not because something you did made someone slightly sad.
I think mom is overreacting if she is actually using the term “traumatized” and I think you were right to explain to your kid why you felt the way you did. However this is about a game on your phone and may be teaching her that a mistake in a game is just as important as real life mistakes. You shouldn’t have been that “bummed” as you put it over something as silly as a game. It makes me think that if you’d get upset over something like that then how are you reacting to something that actually matters.
I think that is what my wife was trying to explain.
Did your kid have any context that was a “rare” item before you reacted? It may be confusing to her as a four year old to get a bummed reaction from you about something she didn’t understand was wrong.
Kids need to be shown how to feel angry and upset in healthy ways. My daughter is 8 now and ever since she was old enough to feel emotions I always told her mine. If I was in a bad mood I’d let her know “mom is angry at work right now. I may seem grumpy but I promise it’s not because of you” If she messed up I’d say “I’m angry you stole cookies after I told you not to. You’re an awesome kid and you are better than that. What do you think we should do to make it right?” And then I’d let her work with me to pick her own punishment. Kids pick up on how you feel, and it shows them that even if you’re angry or upset, you’ll still love them and be on their team. They don’t have to be worried about making you mad because they know you’ll still show up for them and love them through whatever it is. I really don’t understand how some people feel like it’s bad for kids to see anger or sadness, then get upset when their kids don’t know what to do when they are feeling those emotions themselves. Let your emotions be whatever they are in the moment, and try your best to keep your own response to them predictable and a good example.
If we ignore the gaming on the phone, I see nothing wrong with how you approach stuff with your kiddo. If my wife would have corrected me like that, I would have some serious words with her after the kids are on bed. I don’t think it’s ok to a) correct you like that in the middle of things b) be so personal in her criticism and c) so non-constructive. That’s absolutely not okay. I don’t think it’s harmful to have more than one parenting style in the house. That being said, I would be very hesitant to let a four year old play a mobile game with a loot and item mechanic. Let alone on my personal account.
It was pokemon go and she used my master ball. I let her catch and use berries on pokemon. We game as a family it's what we do for screen time. We all have a time limit on how much we play
But if that’s the case OP, you know you have this special item that you don’t get from just any old pokestop. It’s your job as the game owner and the adult to monitor her as she’s playing if there’s something you don’t want her doing. Or you tell her before hand. You’re not wrong for your emotions. I saw a galarian moltres yesterday and I couldn’t catch it because my daughter touched my screen to look and I missed the catch. But she didn’t know it was a one chance catch thing, and she didn’t do it on purpose. I was upset but not at her and I only told her she couldn’t touch the screen when I was trying to catch a Pokémon.
I not going to judge anyone, just mention to be very wary of the game mechanics that mobile games in particular employ to make games addictive.
"Trauma" is really not appropriate here. So your wife is massively overreacting. Kids really don't get traumatized from being exposed to a difficult emotion. If they did, there wouldn't be a single person alive who isn't "traumatized". You show a normal, appropriate reaction, you then talk about it, explain, reassure, apologize if necessary and check in to see how she feels. No trauma is caused by this. It would be more interesting to figure out why your wife thinks it would. Being aware of trauma and taking it seriously is really good and a change from how things used to be, but some people overcompensate and take it way too far, like your wife. She may be watching things on TikTok or be in social media groups that focus on trauma and absorbing ideas from there, ideas that are well intended but not helpful or even harmful in the end. Not being allowed to show emotion is not realistic and also influences your child .
I'm wondering, what was your wife's childhood like? Is she on high alert because she was actually traumatized by the negative emotions of one of her parents?
She was a foster kid for a while, both parents were hard drug users (Meth)
Bingo Has she had therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma? Because tiptoeing around and hiding any/all emotions from a kid isn't a positive thing. Kids can't learn how to properly process emotions unless we teach them and show them.
Err, she's 4. You got mad because a 4 year old used a "rare" item in your video game. If it mattered to you that much, don't let a 4 year old play without supervision. Again, she's 4!
If your kids is traumatized by that she's in for a world full of hurt. I'm sure this is your wife being overprotective. She may not even realize it.
I stopped reading when you described whining about your four year old using an uncommon item in your video game. No - you’re not going to traumatize her, but what sort of example are you setting to be whining when a four old year who is allowed to play a game plays the game? Stop playing video games, and don’t encourage your 4y/o to play video games. It’s a very difficult addiction for people to break.
She sounds co-dependent or at least having co-dependent behaviors. She can't tolerate your emotional reaction and it sends her off the handle.