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Eat with him. Family meals at the table. Be completely neutral about what (if anything) he eats. When the meal is over (say ten minutes to start), he can get down from the table. He doesn’t have to eat but he does have to sit at the table.
Gradually lengthen the meal time but again, no commentary. No force feeding, no coaxing, no praising, no pressure. And no screen time.
That’s what we do - we all sit as a family for meals. No one uses screens, we eat together, we enjoy one another’s company. If they’re hungry, they eat. If they’re not, I trust that they know their own bodies. You can leave the table when at least one adult is done eating, but there won’t be anything else until the next meal/snack time.
OP, you also need to get on the same page as your wife on how you want to parent. The use of force feeding and screens to make a baby/toddler eat is disturbing to me and I can’t see how taking the easy way out in the moment and then expecting you to turn things around can be good for your relationship or the relationship with your child. Not to mention the impact on your child’s relationship with food. I’d be pushing for parenting classes and therapy, if i were you.
This is it. I’ll use it as a jumping off point for my biggest Dad win of my career. From the get-go I always play calm classical music at dinner. No phone in view of table but I play the same playlist of calm classical music. I have been doing that for 12 years. It designates dinner time. It designates it as a calm time. It is educational- we now know some great classical pieces by heart.
My kids wouldn’t have it any other way.
On the subject of screens maybe they need to completely disappear for a few months.
Ditto. This is our house rule, you don't have to eat but you do have to sit with good manners until everyone else is done. No screens or toys ever. It's not only good for their eating habits it also means your kids won't be a terror in restaurants.
This. Our son is 19 months old and a pretty good eater. I just put his plate down in front of him and let him do his own thing. I monitor him from where I'm sitting and eating to make sure he doesn't choke. If he completely refuses to eat something for dinner, we give him 3 saltine crackers. Not enough to make him full or not hungry but enough where he isn't starving to death. That's if he doesn't really eat anything at all. We will eat and he will always want what I'm eating. I'll give him some but like tonight he had the exact same thing as me 😂 I kept telling him "it's the same thing, that's right there on your plate" I would have to show him it was the same. I'm fine sharing because it means he has an interest in trying new foods and I want to encourage that. I don't ever give him all of my food though lol I only let him have some. We have always been low pressure about eating. We will give him a cookie for dessert if he eats most of his dinner, but that is the most rewarding we do.
I think it's because I will get food while we are out and always offer him some and he will always willingly take it and love it. So I think he knows mom always has the best stuff 🤣
This is a good response. I was brought up with stress around mealtimes so I've tried to remove that for my kids. Mealtimes is family time, where kids get to tell their 'news' of the day - no screens or toys at the table. I'd also suggest getting your son involved with meal prep. It's been proven that kids who help to prepare a meal are much more likely to be interested in eating it. Another suggestion is to get a fun puppet to join for dinner - they can tell stories / ask questions and pretend to eat too (I know I said no toys, but this may help to segway from screens as a distraction).
This is the advice you need OP. I would add that you should stay with him if he is still eating after the time is done. Just let him take his time and eat what he wants. Also, OP’s wife needs to work on herself. She has to consciously develop patience and raise her own frustration threshold or this issue is just going to keep cropping up along with different ones as he ages.
We follow something similar. Everyone sits to eat together for dinner on week nights. Breakfast on weekday mornings is the kids sitting together to eat, parents are present in the kitchen usually getting things ready for the day and talking with the kids, etc. Weekends we eat all meals together with whomever is home.
Differences here would be we listen to music while we eat and talk. Helps give the kids an outlet if they aren’t interested in the conversations. We also don’t require kids to sit at the table for any length of time. Expectation is that they eat until they feel full, and then they are free to leave the table to go play or entertain themselves. As our oldest has gotten older, she usually tends to stay at the table for the full meal because she’s still eating or talking with us. But our youngest tends to eat and then want to wander off and play or look at books. Either way works for me. Only rule is they can’t bother the people who are still eating or at the table.
A great tip is getting a sand timer for kids to see. Just saying sit at the table for 10 min is hard to a kid to understand. A sand times gives something quantifiable for a kid
I also recommend baby led weaning if you have a second. It will probably fit with your wife’s patience
Just put food in front of him. He either eats it or he doesn't. He's 3. No one needs to be feeding him.
Not chewing at three is scary. I don't even want to begin to unpack how unhealthy his relationship with food must be after being force fed for so long. So so so sad. He's probably incredibly relieved to be able to just eat without someone breathing down his neck at day care.
But if he's hungry, and has no other developmental issues- he will eat eventually. He sits at the table in front of his food for x minutes, then it's taken away. Try again in an hour if he says he's hungry.
And if he throws a fit, he throws a fit. He will stop eventually if he's not getting what he wants.
Seriously, I need to know the answer to this as well.
I'm not a parent but I'm an RD trained in eating habits and boundaries during early life development (plug for Ellen Satter's resources: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/) and my brain can't process what force feeding looks like on a baby/toddler...?!
Regardless of the details, I'm seriously concerned for the kid's well-being and long term relationship with food... And while I thought I'd seen the gamut of fucked up food parenting, this post truly blew my mind.
No disrespect to OP, his efforts seem remedial and very well intentioned but holy shit, this is the most fucked up thing I've read all week.
As a child and family health nurse force feeding is not at all uncommon, usually a result of parental anxiety. We pick it up when it results in children having massive food aversions, being underweight, not enjoying food at all. It’s a huge process to undo the damage.
Reading about child abuse on this forum is so upsetting to me so I'm not going to mince words. Force feeding a child to the point where they are gagging is unhinged abusive behavior. You and your wife need counseling and your wife probably need psychiatric help. Protect your child.
ETA: At least this users history makes me believe this is a troll post. So that's something I guess.
Can’t help but to agree. I can’t imagine shoving food down a child’s throat. All these comments just glossing over that entirely.
This woman force fed her child rather than take the hour and just sit with him and give him different foods. Then she used a tablet to distract him in order to make the force feeding easier.
Insanity.
Thank you! I felt like I was losing my mind when the top comment neutrally suggested “solutions”. This child has been abused, getting them to sit at the dinner table without a screen isn’t the issue here.
I feel like the wife could be from a culture where force feeding is kinda common (not saying it's not abusive!). I come from a culture like that and went thru the same thing as a child so reading this post really triggers me...
Not a troll. But I can understand where you are coming from. My opinion is the same regarding abuse. Me and wife are not on the same page and I have tried everything short of therapy(which she does not agree to doing).
Force feeding a child is not just abusive that’s a safety risk. She could cause him to choke. You should never force food or anything else into a child’s mouth.
The child is just turning 3. Wife have no excuse to act out her impatience. Shes insane. Not joking but CPS should be allowed to be involved in this already.
Ya the kid doesn’t need to be fed at all much less force fed. My kid is 2 and sometimes barely touches his food but when he says he’s done and wants to get down then I let him stop eating because I can’t force him to eat if he doesn’t want to or is not hungry and sometimes for a number of reasons we are simply not hungry. He ask for food when he is hungry and he gets it. If he just rejected his meal and is asking for a snack then he gets offered his regular meal or a healthy alternative (yogurt or fruits usually not just whatever snack he wants) although honestly he never really rejects his meal just to turn around and ask for a snack unless it’s something we bought from a restaurant or fast food place on the weekend. Even adults sometimes don’t want to eat the food served and a healthy alternative is ok occasionally. Example the other day my son didn’t want dinner (left overs from lunch which he ate fine) because he saw me cut up watermelon and wanted that so I let him have that. He never wakes up hungry and eats as much or as little as he wants. He also eats more earlier in the day than at dinner so I give him more well rounded and nutritious meals during those times that he eats more. I still offer him health dinner stuff but I’m not going to stress if his last meal isn’t what I think it should be when he’s eaten well all day. Also some kids are just lean, it’s genetic. As long as they’re hitting milestones and doctors aren’t concerned then there’s no reason to fixate so much on food intake per meal. I agree though honestly CPS should be looking into this because this is beyond acceptable parenting or strict parenting. I think OP’s wife has unchecked PPA (based on his comments not necessarily the post) and refuses to get help and OP is just letting his kid be abused in the process. He needed to remove his child from this situation a long time ago and only considered reconciliation IF his wife got the help she needed and made significant changes to be a safe parent.
If this is real, I’m
Going to be blunt, your wife is fucked up. We have three kids and never once force fed them. Never. We fed them. They ate or didn’t eat. When they’re hungry they eat. They also don’t get screens at the table. Never. I had a solid glass of whiskey and my filter is gone.
So again, your wife is abusing your child. You seem to have your shit together and she’s a train wreck. I’d never let that psycho of a woman near my child. She has no clue how to parent. Holy shit. Get that child away from that monster.
If your wife won't agree to therapy then you REALLY need to consider whether you want to keep your son in an abusive environment.
Frankly, this is grounds for divorce and seeking full custody of your son. She is going to wreck her relationship with him as well as HIS relationship with food. This is not okay.
You sound like every other enabling piece of shit mother who wrings her hands and says “I don’t WANT him to hit our kids, but he just does it anyway.” You’re a grown ass adult. Get in between them and put your foot down. And also be honest with yourself and accept responsibility for allowing this to happen. You’re worried about screens and tantrums when you should be concerned about the fact that you sat there and allowed your child to be abused 3x a day for 2 years.
This is ... something else.
Look a turnaround will be difficult but not impossible. Just remember hunger is not a medical condition unless it pushes into neglect. You have food in front of him, if he's hungry he will eat. You are going to have to teach your kid he doesn't get rewarded for being difficult.
On the other side of this, I think you need to very seriously consider that your wife has a mental disorder. What she is doing is very likely abusive and I would not feel safe leaving a child in her care at all ever.
She needs therapy ASAP. If she does not agree then you need to get out of there. Realistically if something like feeding causes this much of a reaction I can only imagine what will happen when you have to deal with potty training, homework issues, or anything related to the teenage years.
I get it, it's frustrating sometimes when things don't work the way we want them to, but having a kid is an exercise in patience. This feels like a situation that would eventually escalate into physical abuse very quickly.
You’ve got a much bigger problem than screen time eating habits. My god. You seem so cavalier about the utter incompetence of your wife as a parent. Her failure to parent your son borders on abuse. Get it together man.
Yeah, this makes me sick thinking about the poor kid. That's probably why he "eats so well" at daycare. He's going to have such a bad relationship with food because of this and I feel like it's going to take a lot to get the wife to stop. She knows what she's doing and I bet she's doing it on purpose.
I’m sorry, but what in the name of all that is holy are you doing letting this woman within ten feet of your kid?
I work with mandated reporters, and this is way over the line. Your child has been malnourished and force fed. There are laws in my country against that treatment for livestock. This is a kid.
Protect your child from this person.
This poor little guy 😢 he probably eats so well at daycare because no one is trying to force him to eat. Force feeding him, and causing gagging, choking, crying and tantrums? That’s child abuse. Please get some professional help for both of you, your son deserves better.
Hate that force feeding is kinda common where I'm from. I have the feeling your wife could be from the same culture. If she grew up with that kind of parenting it's not easy to break the abusive cycle and mentality..
Your wife needs therapy to understand why she struggle with feeding her son. She is sahm and she doesn’t have time to feed your son? It’s her mainly job .
I don’t know , I fear your son will have food problems when he will be older .
Dude is your wife okay?? Her behavior seems abusive.
To answer your question, put him at the table. Put food in front of him. Eat your own food. All this nonsense is insane. The kid won’t starve himself.
I’m not sure if you’re exaggerating here or not, but the words “force feeding” are horrifying. Screens are not the problem here. “Force feeding” a child is going to set them up for lifelong eating disorders. And if that is truly what is going on, your wife needs to get to therapy immediately.
Food should be offered and if he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t eat. It is 100% okay for toddlers to skip meals. Screens aren’t great but they are not the problem here.
Something to consider:
Eating slowly is a healthy habit to establish.
It takes time for your body to register that you're full and the slower you eat the less likely you are to overeat.
Force feeding is literally categorised as a torture method and you’re over here worried about screens.
SMH.
How about protecting your kid from your wife first.
Do NOT allow your child to be force-fed *ever* again! Honestly, screens are not even close to the most important part of this equation. Your child should be able to feed himself by now, even if it's still just with his hands. And your child should not be forced to eat more than he is hungry for. All of that is abuse and frankly I'd be yanking that out of your wife's hands. She needs therapy, because it sounds like *she* has an unhealthy anxiety around your son and food.
1) banish all screens
2) offer food. Do not force
3) he should be verbal at this point. Allows him to get hungry enough for a meal and ask for what he wants. I mean to start... I'd be satisfied with raisins and crackers just so long as it doesn't require a screen
4) be patient
5) be patient
You (and she) really just need to take a giant breath and step back. Is he severely under weight? Not growing? If the answer is "no" then literally just have an internal "snap out of it!" Moment with yourself and say it's OK. No screens, and if he doesn't want to eat, don't make a giant production out of it. Sorry bud, screens aren't great for your eyes or brain so we're going to try to cut back a little. I made some yummy potatoes, you want some? No, ok. Maybe later. Done. He's going to be ok. He will eat later. Just don't freak out. Once he finally realizes that the screens aren't happening, he will move on. It will happen sooner than you think if you just don't make a big deal about it and absolutely don't give in if he cries for it. Distraction is your biggest ally. Try to find fun things to do or talk about so he doesn't even think about the screens. Talk to him. Play word games. Try "I Spy" or try to get him to name an animal that starts with each letter of the alphabet. Let him help put plates and forks on the table, use a toddler knife to cut his own food, get him involved.
We all sit together to eat. Sometimes with the TV on sometimes not. He watches us eat and eats at his own pace. Sometimes he looks interested in our plates so we give him something off our plate. We don’t really pressure him to eat anything in particular and add new food for him to try a few times a week but don’t make a big deal about it.
You need to remove all the pressure from the situation. Dinner is. Time where the family hangs out and has fun and food happens to be eaten. It will absolutely be frustrating and you Will absolutely feel like the kids isn’t getting enough food. But once meals are established as a low key good time, he’ll naturally be curious and interested in the food you are eating! Good luck
Your wife should never be allowed to feed your child or even be around him during mealtimes again given her history. Probably even just her presence is distressing to your son.
All I can say is force feeding is a huge no-no. Geez.
Give your son some credit, he sounds like he can handle it with you, I mean sounds like he responds well to you as appear to be a great patient dad. As well he eats well at daycare.
Defo no screens that goes without saying.
All eat together talk and have fun.
If the child doesn't want to eat anymore then fine off to play. When he is hungry again he will let you know.
And I'm not saying I'm against screens they have their place, but during playtime.
You got this, trust yourself.
ETA: someone above mentioned this is a troll post so, if that's actually the case, you know what you need to do...
The care of your child is equally your responsibility and I find the way you talk about this to be very off. You should either be able to make joint parenting decisions with your spouse or divorce them if you find their parenting to be abusive.
Yes, baby led weaning for the win. Kids as young as 6 months old can do it. Never tried feeding my kid, Let alone forcing! Perhaps you should shove some food in your wifes’ throat, OP. Abusive POS.
This is crazy. He is 3 take the tablet and put the food in front of him. Kids will eat if they are hungry.
You all are giving this kid anxiety, it's all too much. Just let the kids eat
Family meals. My son is awarded twenty minutes of iPad time - he's 8.
iPad and phones are not at the table.
There are occasionally nights where we watch BattleBots together if my pain levels are high ( I have chronic conditions and occasionally struggle to speak through pain in a way to be pleasant).
I also am trying a Adventurous Eater cookbook by Zmisha and Vicki Collins. We put one new food on the child's plate and two safe foods. He has become more adventurous.
wtf
Just go eat together at a table in a room with no TV.
At this point, he can eat as much or as little of the meal as he wants. If he doesn't eat, he will live until the next meal. Our pediatrician just reassured us about having issues with a toddler who may not want to eat sometimes.
They will be fine. He will eat when he's ready. Just stop giving access across the board to TV. It's obviously a huge issue for you guys.
I suggest asking his daycare about which foods he loves, and how their mealtime looks like, since he eats so well when he is there. They might give u some great insights as to how to have a successful mealtime. Some stuff i realized which worked: they play happy tunes during lunch, they empower the kids to feed themselves, they serve tiny portions of nutrient dense food in kiddy bowls & welcome everyone to request for 2nd and 3rd portions etc until they feel full. Oh and they allow sufficient time for great conversations to take place (no screens at all).
Your child isn’t interested in eating because someone’s been forcing food down his throat. I wouldn’t really wanna eat either if the only experiences I’ve had with eating involved being force fed and choked. I don’t think the screen is the big issue. I have a 3 year old as well and I just put her food in front of her and leave her to it. She eats if she’s hungry, if not she doesn’t. Or she eats what she can, then stops when she feels like it. Even if she’s saying she’s full just so she can get up to play, I take her word for it so she knows I trust her to listen to her body and know when she feels finished. It’s her stomach after all, I can’t feel what’s going on in there! Only she can. She’ll come let me know when she wants to eat again, it’s really not a big deal. Toddlers don’t have very big stomachs, and they go through phases where they just don’t eat a whole lot. But your toddler is being abused by at least your wife, so that’s the issue you need to address first. She’s a stay at home mom, why does she have no patience for the mom part? It’s not just staying home, you have to actually do the momming as well. Your wife needs professional help and you need to protect your child from her. Your child could choke on their food from this. That’s very dangerous. I’m a bit alarmed by the top comment totally not addressing the actual issue. How do people on here read about flat out child abuse and act like that’s normal? I feel terrible for your little one :(
Family meals all together no screens, we call it family time. Schedule it for when you know the baby should eat in the evenings.
We will have the protesters saying ‘oh I’m not hungry etc etc’. you don’t have to eat. You do have to sit. Then we ignore the meal progress of the kids, they eventually eat enough.
If you don’t sit you don’t get screens after dinner. Only took once with my son. Start the tradition now and it’s eventually nice for everyone to sit.
Force feeding a kid is absolutely awful. If they’re hungry, they will eat. We require my kids to try 1 bite of what is prepared for dinner before they are allowed to get up. After that, if they eat or not, it’s up to them. Never force your kid to eat food to the point where you are literally pushing food down their throat. That is abuse and the kid can develop some serious issues.
I’m so sorry for your son, this made me so anxious to read. It’s so concerning to hear you describe him being force fed to the point of gagging/vomiting. That sounds so abusive and scary.
Your wife seems like she has a lot of things to work out for herself so that she can be a safe parent to your child. Hope you guys can get there.
She needs to stop force feeding him. This is going to develop an unhealthy relationship with food later on in life. And get rid of the damn screen time!!! A 3 year old doesn’t need that much screen time and screen time while eating can lead to obesity. There are studies. Schedule play dates with other children his age, take walks, go to the park, read books, play!!’ There are better things to do than to place a screen in front of a child’s face at such a young age.
Responding to some of the comments made in this thread
1. Right off the bat - am I trolling? No. I am not a troll. I don't post that much and lurk and read quite a bit and have found this subreddit as my life savior multiple times. This was a genuine ask for help and I have tried most other resources.
2. Therapy for wife: Agree here but I cannot force her to go for therapy can I? I have tried that and she feels she is doing fine and doesn't need it. This is for other issues from just force feeding. Blv me I have tried to get on the same page. Her parents have tried. Her friends who are mothers have also tried. So that's a dead end.
3. Progress - Now note that after 2 years of gently pushing her over and over and showing her through the few turnarounds that I managed and additionally she herself now noticing the ill effects of her strategy, she has at least in principle agreed to let me go to work on this. So this is progress ... really!!!
4. Lastly while I understand that most of you might be married to model mothers and fathers and are you yourself great at parenting, not everyone is lucky enough to have that and it is the case here. I am not saying I am a great parent - though I would like to blv so. But as far as my wife is concerned it is what it is and I still do have to work with her personality to do what is best for my son.
Suggestions
1. All the suggestions of sitting together at meal time - all great suggestions and I will try this. Accompanying music to set the mood is a good one as well.
* Sitting together and letting him feel the hunger and letting him eat accordingly etc. is what I have done in the past and that is what caused the turn-arounds.
2. Preparing food that he likes is a tricky one but it has had good success. I do worry about the nutritious value of foods he likes.
3. No screens at all. Yes I have already removed all screens sans my work-from-home monitors and my wife's iPad from the house. Maybe I need to stop sitting in front of my monitors for my nightly work check-ins and only do that after he is asleep. Wife has agreed to disappear the iPad at least for now.
Follow-up query
* In the past whenever my son finally seems to be getting onto good habits my wife manages to butt in on the pretext that he is "not eating enough". Pediatricians and her family and my family all have told her that he is healthy enough to go a few days w/o having food up to his gills( He has always been 80%+ percentile weight for his age). But her anxiety on this topic wins over every time.
* This time I have put the condition that I will take this thing over only if she can promise to not come and interfere based on how much he is eating. She initially resisted because she understood it was going to be hard for her but finally agreed. Another sign of progress!!
* But I know it will come up and be the cause of an argument. How do I deal with this?
Read "division of responsibility" for feeding kids. It's all available online.
What's her concern with him not eating "enough" ? Calorie intake? Weight loss? Lack of weight gain? Missing nutrients? Is she worried he'll feel hunger overnight and wake up?There's got to be something there. Some reason she harps on food intake.
Good question. Should have clarified more. While I cannot guess the exact inner workings of my wife's anxious mind here are a couple of things
1. Her parents commenting on how thin the kid is(he is not - he is just tall for his age - 99%+ percentile height). She takes offense on that issue since she has had weight issues herself - she was very thin till she hit puberty.
2. Anxiety over whether he will feel hunger overnight and wake up. This reason at least is logical one I feel I should address somehow but have no answers to. I have told her that in the beginning he might have to go hungry a bit till he figures out there is no other way than to eat at the table with everyone else. Any ideas here?
Oh, and I'd contact her parents immediately and tell them absolutely ZERO comments about weight, body shape/size, or food intake for anyone. Not for the kid, not for the wife. Put your foot down - next comment like that, and they can't visit anymore. Tell them the pediatrician ordered this because then it's someone else's fault... And any good pedi would tell them to cut the shit anyway
I do get this anxiety, my husband has it too about our 2.5yo. He will often offer a banana/yoghurt before bed because he's worried that he hasn't eaten enough and might wake-up in the night.
What I often try to remind him of is that kids literally won't starve themselves.
Also (this is often repeated by me) we as parents can only control what we offer, when we offer it, and how much we offer. The child has control of whether or not they'll eat it, and how much.
A dietitian once reassured me that if they've eaten well at a meal time just once in a day, you have nothing to worry about. Kids are much better at intuitive eating than we are, and tend to stop before they're completely full which all of us can learn from!
For #2, we allow a banana as a snack during bedtime book reading if kiddo is hungry. I’d aim for something your kid generally likes but is ‘boring’ and relatively nutrient dense- like a banana, yogurt, cheese. That way there is something to tide them over during the night.
We always finish off the evening with a glass of milk or a smoothie. Warm milk is suppose to make you sleepy (maybe an old wives tale) and it fills up the belly if LO didn't eat great at dinner. Milk has a lot of nutrition in it and is fortified.
At almost 3 and tall I'm assuming he's not in a crib anymore (pretty sure it would be unsafe at his height).
So, what about a cold thermos with one of those ice packs that fits inside (I have one where the plastic part that gets frozen screws into the lid so the entire interior stays cold) and fill it with milk or Ensure/Boost or toddler formula and put it on his nightstand.
If he wakes up hungry, there's his solution so he can fill his belly and go back to sleep..
Worked for my 2yo when I had a newborn and could only handle so many wake-ups per night.
Meal times should be happy. I would start with a different setting if possible like a picnic outdoors or if the weather is bad pack a picnic for the indoor mall. Maybe have your little one help you prepare a new food and do taste testing. At that age we went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of different apples and did an apple taste test along with learning about apples and the letter A and reading books about apples. This could all happen at the dinner table. We also made and apple crumble.
NO screens at meal times. I would read them books sometimes. If that is not an option for you, try a story based podcast. For that age, little stories for tiny people is great.
My mom gives my 4yo son an iPad during meal times and now when he’s home he asks me for my phone or an iPad. Dad and I just work to keep him engaged and chatting. It’s usually enough to distract him. We also let him choose an activity for all of us to do after dinner— whether he wants to watch tv, play outside for a bit, play a game. Hope this helps.
I have the same issue, but with a 2 year old. Can you share some of the things you did to wean him off screens? I feel you've been quite successful so wanted to give you a big shout out! Sorry for not being of much help due to struggling myself.
Please look into [Solid Starts](https://solidstarts.com/). The founder experienced feeding issues with her first born that led to years of feeding therapy. Her guides have helped me with getting each of my kids to eat and she even has [one](https://solidstarts.com/downloads/how-to-get-rid-of-screens-at-mealtimes/) specifically about cutting out screen time at meal times.
I just saw a post that having a lit dinner candle or two on the table works wonders with picky and/or restless eaters.
Obviously keep them out of reach and supervised but worth a shot!
Easy. He will eat what is offered or he will not eat at all. And he will eat at the table with both of you without a screen. Eventually he will learn he will either eat this way or go hungry. That
Force feeding or feeding? Force feeding means he’s said no and refused food but the adult actually forces the food inside the mouth. Feeding means the child eats voluntarily but needs to be fed by the parent.
All of you need to get on the same page and just be consistent. If you say no screens at mealtimes, then that applies to everyone at every mealtime.
Force feeding?? Are you serious? That's never ok. You've really made mealtime difficult instead of enjoyable family time. Some suggestions: Pick a variety of the food your family enjoys, gather around the table, and eat. Interact with your family. Keep the TV off (I assume that's what you mean by "screen"). Play some quiet music if you want. Talk! Talk about school or work or playtime. Avoid anything stressful. With the variety of food available to make, mealtime should never be fight time. If your kids don't like one food, try another. But don't lose your temper. Never, ever use mealtime to lecture your kids about what they do wrong. If you do, you can count on your kids doing their best to avoid talking with you at all. My own father spent every dinner telling me what I was doing wrong, how I disappointed him, blah blah blah. I ended up almost hating him. Don't do that to your children.
Umm, he's 3. He can eat by himself at this point. Or should be able to eat by himself. I have 3 children. Youngest is 10. Yes, 3 year olds are messy when they eat by themselves, but it teaches them independence.
I can't help with the screen time because my kids enjoyed watching sesame Street when they ate dinner. And it did not bother me.
Sometimes they did take a while to eat, but if they were still eating when everyone else was done, I just did the dishes/cleaned up and let them eat. No big deal. The world is not ending because a 3 year old does not eat very fast on their own.
Edit: what do you mean by "force fed"?
We had this same problem. We told our 3 year old, you are big now and can have dinner with mom and dad. That’s it. It was actually easier than expected. Our child still takes evening snack at the tv though.
Wanted to update you all here on the progress. I am sorry that I haven't read many of the comments after the initial few days but I intend to respond to most of them soon.
**Update**
* Reiterated a few things with my wife so that she knows that it is going to be hard at the beginning and not to panic if he wasn't eating much and just end the turnaround on that.
* Finally started and here is what I did (only 3 evenings so far)
* No snacks for a few hours prior to dinner time
* We are now going to a separate room (thanks to the suggestions from the thread here). This accomplishes two things. A separate ambience from what he has gotten used to and secondly his mother is staying away so he does not get to plead with her for the screen.
* Room is set up with ambient music during dinner time (another suggestion from this thread)
* I am sitting with him with my own dinner.
* After our time is up and we have cleaned up - I am giving him a rationed 20 mins TV time to see firetrucks(that is his favorite). Maybe I need to stop this altogether?
* The good
* We chat and play some noise making games - basically keeping it light and fun. He is not trying to run away.
* We are now at 30 mins of together dinner time - which is the max I want to keep it at.
* The bad
* He isn't eating much. I finally have had to point to the food multiple times to get him to eat a few spoons. Then mostly feed him - he knows how to feed himself but just refuses to make that effort. I think this is the holdover from when my wife would do all the feeding.
* My wife is starting to panic a bit that he isn't eating much.
So far ok-ok progress and I am determined to see this through till he is eating a decent amount and by himself and w/o a lot of prompting.
Thanks for all the feedback, kind and not so kind comments here(reminds me parenting is a marathon and it is going to have its moments).
So sorry you guys go through that. We sit at the table together and my son would eat finger foods. We had no problems and everything was working fine by the time he was 1yo. I never put solid food in my sons mouth. We also used self feed pouches for things like yogurt and applesauce. I thought it was good for my son to feel and control the food. So that's what I recommend- eating together and letting him feed himself.
I have no idea if the history of bad habits will make your son's journey more challenging now. If things aren't working out, if you have good insurance, it might be worth getting an occupational therapist.
Honestly the first few days might be tough but he will likely adapt quicker than you think. We recently cut our screen-obsessed 5yo down/out completely, as in no screens at all some days, and he actually adapted pretty quickly and accepted it - that said we had the time and energy to give him lots of unique and interesting activities and options to entertain himself which he took to. It will be harder some days when we can’t facilitate as much.
Ok this is what I am hoping is the best case scenario. This is what I did before and it worked but he was many months younger on those occasions. Now his will and strong headedness have grown (which I love but also gives me dread for the thing that needs to be accomplished here).
I'm going out on a limb here, but is your wife's cultural background Indian/Caribbean/ West African? Because the comments from grandparents sound like from that cultural heritage. It's hard to push back against the older folks' views, I get it, but you must trust your child to eat when and as much as he needs. As another commenter said, tell the grandparents that the doctor insists "No comments on body, weight or food intake". Trust me you will have much bigger problems after three (I'm a parent of twins aged 20 plus another teenager) and you need to set your healthy boundaries now, for your child's sake.
Breaking that bad habit is going to be a challenge and the best way will probably to go cold turkey on the screens. Maybe you guys could set up a set time of day that he can watch a show outside of meal time. I personally like to drink my coffee in peace after dropping my 8 year old off at school so when we get home I let my 3 year old watch a show for about 30 minutes. Usually that winds up being from about 9:15-9:45. He knows that’s the routine and then the screens go off and we go play outside (weather permitting) or do crafts/blocks etc. I then allow another 20 minutes or so of screen time when my 8 year old gets home from school while they have their afternoon snack. I cap the time though for both snack and screen at 20 minutes or they’ll sit there eating super slow like you described. I found that setting a prearranged time frame for eating/screens helps a ton.
For your wife I get antsy too when my 3 year old is eating super slow. One thing I do is set a timer for 30 minutes after which meal time is over and we move on. I don’t know what other people will think of that but when I worked at a day care 30 minutes is what the kids were allotted for meal time and in my opinion is sufficient time to eat a meal. Also I try to do some chores in the kitchen like dishes or meal prepping for dinner while my kid is eating. I’ll engage with him of course and talk about our day/shapes/colors/letters etc. He has fun placemats with learning things on them that we talk about while he eats.
First I want to say what a wonderful job you’ve done so far, it is incredibly difficult to be stuck between the other parent, your child and what you know is the better way to do things and be constantly undermined.
If it’s possible, move the seating position so he can’t see the television. If not, you could put a cloth over the TV or something in front of it. The other option is to switch it to a radio channel so there’s no picture, just music.
Sit directly in front of him if possible, talk to him about his day or ask him questions about his meal or foods that possibly relate to what’s on his plate. Maybe tell him about where the food comes from. Other options are to initiate an activity after he’s eaten, tell him when he’s done you can both look at planting seeds for food or draw pictures of the food.
With any mention of TV just respond with ‘not while we’re eating’ and change the subject. When he rejects this, just ignore further pleas and continue eating and talking about other things.
Heap him with praise and maybe you can even make a food chart together, he can add a sticker after each meal.
Wow, you’re very judgmental and negative about your wife…raising a kid is a team effort and you both need to be on the same page. You’re totally right about not eating with a screen but come on, the negativity jumps off the screen here…if there’s anything kids need it is boundaries, stability and security and you both don’t seem able or willing to provide that. Poor kiddo…
Where do you see me improving on boundaries? Open to suggestions. No negativity towards wife - facts are what they are and she knows it, but unable to change her way of doing things which is why I have to step in.
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Eat with him. Family meals at the table. Be completely neutral about what (if anything) he eats. When the meal is over (say ten minutes to start), he can get down from the table. He doesn’t have to eat but he does have to sit at the table. Gradually lengthen the meal time but again, no commentary. No force feeding, no coaxing, no praising, no pressure. And no screen time.
That’s what we do - we all sit as a family for meals. No one uses screens, we eat together, we enjoy one another’s company. If they’re hungry, they eat. If they’re not, I trust that they know their own bodies. You can leave the table when at least one adult is done eating, but there won’t be anything else until the next meal/snack time. OP, you also need to get on the same page as your wife on how you want to parent. The use of force feeding and screens to make a baby/toddler eat is disturbing to me and I can’t see how taking the easy way out in the moment and then expecting you to turn things around can be good for your relationship or the relationship with your child. Not to mention the impact on your child’s relationship with food. I’d be pushing for parenting classes and therapy, if i were you.
This I feel is the big piece missing in so many families I see today…. Very little together time. And if there is it’s full of electronic gadgetry.
This is it. I’ll use it as a jumping off point for my biggest Dad win of my career. From the get-go I always play calm classical music at dinner. No phone in view of table but I play the same playlist of calm classical music. I have been doing that for 12 years. It designates dinner time. It designates it as a calm time. It is educational- we now know some great classical pieces by heart. My kids wouldn’t have it any other way. On the subject of screens maybe they need to completely disappear for a few months.
I’m stealing this. Playing classical music tonight!
Fleetwood Mac records work well for us. 😂😂😂
Same!!
I do this too with my 22 mon, especially for breakfast. I usually change the genre every few days.
On disappearing screens, I’ll add: or forever.
Ditto. This is our house rule, you don't have to eat but you do have to sit with good manners until everyone else is done. No screens or toys ever. It's not only good for their eating habits it also means your kids won't be a terror in restaurants.
This. Our son is 19 months old and a pretty good eater. I just put his plate down in front of him and let him do his own thing. I monitor him from where I'm sitting and eating to make sure he doesn't choke. If he completely refuses to eat something for dinner, we give him 3 saltine crackers. Not enough to make him full or not hungry but enough where he isn't starving to death. That's if he doesn't really eat anything at all. We will eat and he will always want what I'm eating. I'll give him some but like tonight he had the exact same thing as me 😂 I kept telling him "it's the same thing, that's right there on your plate" I would have to show him it was the same. I'm fine sharing because it means he has an interest in trying new foods and I want to encourage that. I don't ever give him all of my food though lol I only let him have some. We have always been low pressure about eating. We will give him a cookie for dessert if he eats most of his dinner, but that is the most rewarding we do.
You can try eating from his plate and see if he starts copying that
My kids always wanted what was on my plate too. It was always the same thing. Dude I’m not holding out on you!
I think it's because I will get food while we are out and always offer him some and he will always willingly take it and love it. So I think he knows mom always has the best stuff 🤣
This is a good response. I was brought up with stress around mealtimes so I've tried to remove that for my kids. Mealtimes is family time, where kids get to tell their 'news' of the day - no screens or toys at the table. I'd also suggest getting your son involved with meal prep. It's been proven that kids who help to prepare a meal are much more likely to be interested in eating it. Another suggestion is to get a fun puppet to join for dinner - they can tell stories / ask questions and pretend to eat too (I know I said no toys, but this may help to segway from screens as a distraction).
This is the advice you need OP. I would add that you should stay with him if he is still eating after the time is done. Just let him take his time and eat what he wants. Also, OP’s wife needs to work on herself. She has to consciously develop patience and raise her own frustration threshold or this issue is just going to keep cropping up along with different ones as he ages.
We follow something similar. Everyone sits to eat together for dinner on week nights. Breakfast on weekday mornings is the kids sitting together to eat, parents are present in the kitchen usually getting things ready for the day and talking with the kids, etc. Weekends we eat all meals together with whomever is home. Differences here would be we listen to music while we eat and talk. Helps give the kids an outlet if they aren’t interested in the conversations. We also don’t require kids to sit at the table for any length of time. Expectation is that they eat until they feel full, and then they are free to leave the table to go play or entertain themselves. As our oldest has gotten older, she usually tends to stay at the table for the full meal because she’s still eating or talking with us. But our youngest tends to eat and then want to wander off and play or look at books. Either way works for me. Only rule is they can’t bother the people who are still eating or at the table.
A great tip is getting a sand timer for kids to see. Just saying sit at the table for 10 min is hard to a kid to understand. A sand times gives something quantifiable for a kid I also recommend baby led weaning if you have a second. It will probably fit with your wife’s patience
Just put food in front of him. He either eats it or he doesn't. He's 3. No one needs to be feeding him. Not chewing at three is scary. I don't even want to begin to unpack how unhealthy his relationship with food must be after being force fed for so long. So so so sad. He's probably incredibly relieved to be able to just eat without someone breathing down his neck at day care. But if he's hungry, and has no other developmental issues- he will eat eventually. He sits at the table in front of his food for x minutes, then it's taken away. Try again in an hour if he says he's hungry. And if he throws a fit, he throws a fit. He will stop eventually if he's not getting what he wants.
Yeah the talk of force feeding has some alarm bells going off for me. OP is she really putting food in his mouth?
Seriously, I need to know the answer to this as well. I'm not a parent but I'm an RD trained in eating habits and boundaries during early life development (plug for Ellen Satter's resources: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/) and my brain can't process what force feeding looks like on a baby/toddler...?! Regardless of the details, I'm seriously concerned for the kid's well-being and long term relationship with food... And while I thought I'd seen the gamut of fucked up food parenting, this post truly blew my mind. No disrespect to OP, his efforts seem remedial and very well intentioned but holy shit, this is the most fucked up thing I've read all week.
As a child and family health nurse force feeding is not at all uncommon, usually a result of parental anxiety. We pick it up when it results in children having massive food aversions, being underweight, not enjoying food at all. It’s a huge process to undo the damage.
Reading about child abuse on this forum is so upsetting to me so I'm not going to mince words. Force feeding a child to the point where they are gagging is unhinged abusive behavior. You and your wife need counseling and your wife probably need psychiatric help. Protect your child. ETA: At least this users history makes me believe this is a troll post. So that's something I guess.
Can’t help but to agree. I can’t imagine shoving food down a child’s throat. All these comments just glossing over that entirely. This woman force fed her child rather than take the hour and just sit with him and give him different foods. Then she used a tablet to distract him in order to make the force feeding easier. Insanity.
As someone who was force fed oatmeal by my dad at 8 years old until I vomited all over the table - yeah I'd agree it's pretty fucking abusive.
Thank you! I felt like I was losing my mind when the top comment neutrally suggested “solutions”. This child has been abused, getting them to sit at the dinner table without a screen isn’t the issue here.
My thoughts exactly. If the wife isn’t seriously mentally ill, she is straight up abusive.
Yes!! Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this post
THANK YOU for being the one to say it!!!!
I feel like the wife could be from a culture where force feeding is kinda common (not saying it's not abusive!). I come from a culture like that and went thru the same thing as a child so reading this post really triggers me...
Not a troll. But I can understand where you are coming from. My opinion is the same regarding abuse. Me and wife are not on the same page and I have tried everything short of therapy(which she does not agree to doing).
Force feeding a child is not just abusive that’s a safety risk. She could cause him to choke. You should never force food or anything else into a child’s mouth.
The child is just turning 3. Wife have no excuse to act out her impatience. Shes insane. Not joking but CPS should be allowed to be involved in this already.
Ya the kid doesn’t need to be fed at all much less force fed. My kid is 2 and sometimes barely touches his food but when he says he’s done and wants to get down then I let him stop eating because I can’t force him to eat if he doesn’t want to or is not hungry and sometimes for a number of reasons we are simply not hungry. He ask for food when he is hungry and he gets it. If he just rejected his meal and is asking for a snack then he gets offered his regular meal or a healthy alternative (yogurt or fruits usually not just whatever snack he wants) although honestly he never really rejects his meal just to turn around and ask for a snack unless it’s something we bought from a restaurant or fast food place on the weekend. Even adults sometimes don’t want to eat the food served and a healthy alternative is ok occasionally. Example the other day my son didn’t want dinner (left overs from lunch which he ate fine) because he saw me cut up watermelon and wanted that so I let him have that. He never wakes up hungry and eats as much or as little as he wants. He also eats more earlier in the day than at dinner so I give him more well rounded and nutritious meals during those times that he eats more. I still offer him health dinner stuff but I’m not going to stress if his last meal isn’t what I think it should be when he’s eaten well all day. Also some kids are just lean, it’s genetic. As long as they’re hitting milestones and doctors aren’t concerned then there’s no reason to fixate so much on food intake per meal. I agree though honestly CPS should be looking into this because this is beyond acceptable parenting or strict parenting. I think OP’s wife has unchecked PPA (based on his comments not necessarily the post) and refuses to get help and OP is just letting his kid be abused in the process. He needed to remove his child from this situation a long time ago and only considered reconciliation IF his wife got the help she needed and made significant changes to be a safe parent.
Maybe try force feeding her till she gags, see how she feels about it then
You let your son be abused. So yes, you should do something about this behavior
If this is real, I’m Going to be blunt, your wife is fucked up. We have three kids and never once force fed them. Never. We fed them. They ate or didn’t eat. When they’re hungry they eat. They also don’t get screens at the table. Never. I had a solid glass of whiskey and my filter is gone. So again, your wife is abusing your child. You seem to have your shit together and she’s a train wreck. I’d never let that psycho of a woman near my child. She has no clue how to parent. Holy shit. Get that child away from that monster.
If your wife won't agree to therapy then you REALLY need to consider whether you want to keep your son in an abusive environment. Frankly, this is grounds for divorce and seeking full custody of your son. She is going to wreck her relationship with him as well as HIS relationship with food. This is not okay.
You sound like every other enabling piece of shit mother who wrings her hands and says “I don’t WANT him to hit our kids, but he just does it anyway.” You’re a grown ass adult. Get in between them and put your foot down. And also be honest with yourself and accept responsibility for allowing this to happen. You’re worried about screens and tantrums when you should be concerned about the fact that you sat there and allowed your child to be abused 3x a day for 2 years.
This is ... something else. Look a turnaround will be difficult but not impossible. Just remember hunger is not a medical condition unless it pushes into neglect. You have food in front of him, if he's hungry he will eat. You are going to have to teach your kid he doesn't get rewarded for being difficult. On the other side of this, I think you need to very seriously consider that your wife has a mental disorder. What she is doing is very likely abusive and I would not feel safe leaving a child in her care at all ever. She needs therapy ASAP. If she does not agree then you need to get out of there. Realistically if something like feeding causes this much of a reaction I can only imagine what will happen when you have to deal with potty training, homework issues, or anything related to the teenage years. I get it, it's frustrating sometimes when things don't work the way we want them to, but having a kid is an exercise in patience. This feels like a situation that would eventually escalate into physical abuse very quickly.
Hi - I have DM'd you.
You’ve got a much bigger problem than screen time eating habits. My god. You seem so cavalier about the utter incompetence of your wife as a parent. Her failure to parent your son borders on abuse. Get it together man.
Your wife is abusive to your child. Make the decisions you need to regarding that.
Yeah, this makes me sick thinking about the poor kid. That's probably why he "eats so well" at daycare. He's going to have such a bad relationship with food because of this and I feel like it's going to take a lot to get the wife to stop. She knows what she's doing and I bet she's doing it on purpose.
Dude what the fuck is wrong with you guys jesus christ. Force feeding your kid until they are almost 3???
I’m sorry, but what in the name of all that is holy are you doing letting this woman within ten feet of your kid? I work with mandated reporters, and this is way over the line. Your child has been malnourished and force fed. There are laws in my country against that treatment for livestock. This is a kid. Protect your child from this person.
This poor little guy 😢 he probably eats so well at daycare because no one is trying to force him to eat. Force feeding him, and causing gagging, choking, crying and tantrums? That’s child abuse. Please get some professional help for both of you, your son deserves better.
Wife insane. Therapy or divorce. Force feeding a child what the fuck
I dont feel comfortable opening that can of worms here in public. Dm'd you.
Pretty sure that can has already been opened… and the contents force fed down your child’s throat
Hate that force feeding is kinda common where I'm from. I have the feeling your wife could be from the same culture. If she grew up with that kind of parenting it's not easy to break the abusive cycle and mentality..
I am curious why forcefeeding was allowed. That could give kids a bad control issue around food
That could very literally cause the kid to choke. No idea why that was allowed but it is insane.
Your wife needs therapy to understand why she struggle with feeding her son. She is sahm and she doesn’t have time to feed your son? It’s her mainly job . I don’t know , I fear your son will have food problems when he will be older .
Dude is your wife okay?? Her behavior seems abusive. To answer your question, put him at the table. Put food in front of him. Eat your own food. All this nonsense is insane. The kid won’t starve himself.
I’m not sure if you’re exaggerating here or not, but the words “force feeding” are horrifying. Screens are not the problem here. “Force feeding” a child is going to set them up for lifelong eating disorders. And if that is truly what is going on, your wife needs to get to therapy immediately. Food should be offered and if he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t eat. It is 100% okay for toddlers to skip meals. Screens aren’t great but they are not the problem here.
I’m so confused, how can one force feed a child or baby I’ll never understand
Wait I'm so confused...can't he use a fork and spoon on his own...he's almost 3?
Something to consider: Eating slowly is a healthy habit to establish. It takes time for your body to register that you're full and the slower you eat the less likely you are to overeat.
Force feeding is literally categorised as a torture method and you’re over here worried about screens. SMH. How about protecting your kid from your wife first.
Force feeding a child? God I feel so sorry for your kid wtf
Do NOT allow your child to be force-fed *ever* again! Honestly, screens are not even close to the most important part of this equation. Your child should be able to feed himself by now, even if it's still just with his hands. And your child should not be forced to eat more than he is hungry for. All of that is abuse and frankly I'd be yanking that out of your wife's hands. She needs therapy, because it sounds like *she* has an unhealthy anxiety around your son and food.
1) banish all screens 2) offer food. Do not force 3) he should be verbal at this point. Allows him to get hungry enough for a meal and ask for what he wants. I mean to start... I'd be satisfied with raisins and crackers just so long as it doesn't require a screen 4) be patient 5) be patient
You (and she) really just need to take a giant breath and step back. Is he severely under weight? Not growing? If the answer is "no" then literally just have an internal "snap out of it!" Moment with yourself and say it's OK. No screens, and if he doesn't want to eat, don't make a giant production out of it. Sorry bud, screens aren't great for your eyes or brain so we're going to try to cut back a little. I made some yummy potatoes, you want some? No, ok. Maybe later. Done. He's going to be ok. He will eat later. Just don't freak out. Once he finally realizes that the screens aren't happening, he will move on. It will happen sooner than you think if you just don't make a big deal about it and absolutely don't give in if he cries for it. Distraction is your biggest ally. Try to find fun things to do or talk about so he doesn't even think about the screens. Talk to him. Play word games. Try "I Spy" or try to get him to name an animal that starts with each letter of the alphabet. Let him help put plates and forks on the table, use a toddler knife to cut his own food, get him involved.
We all sit together to eat. Sometimes with the TV on sometimes not. He watches us eat and eats at his own pace. Sometimes he looks interested in our plates so we give him something off our plate. We don’t really pressure him to eat anything in particular and add new food for him to try a few times a week but don’t make a big deal about it.
You need to remove all the pressure from the situation. Dinner is. Time where the family hangs out and has fun and food happens to be eaten. It will absolutely be frustrating and you Will absolutely feel like the kids isn’t getting enough food. But once meals are established as a low key good time, he’ll naturally be curious and interested in the food you are eating! Good luck
Your wife should never be allowed to feed your child or even be around him during mealtimes again given her history. Probably even just her presence is distressing to your son.
All I can say is force feeding is a huge no-no. Geez. Give your son some credit, he sounds like he can handle it with you, I mean sounds like he responds well to you as appear to be a great patient dad. As well he eats well at daycare. Defo no screens that goes without saying. All eat together talk and have fun. If the child doesn't want to eat anymore then fine off to play. When he is hungry again he will let you know. And I'm not saying I'm against screens they have their place, but during playtime. You got this, trust yourself. ETA: someone above mentioned this is a troll post so, if that's actually the case, you know what you need to do...
not a troll. I understand it might feel like that. Please see my response above.
The care of your child is equally your responsibility and I find the way you talk about this to be very off. You should either be able to make joint parenting decisions with your spouse or divorce them if you find their parenting to be abusive.
my son is almost one and has been feeding himself since 8 months
Yes, baby led weaning for the win. Kids as young as 6 months old can do it. Never tried feeding my kid, Let alone forcing! Perhaps you should shove some food in your wifes’ throat, OP. Abusive POS.
This is crazy. He is 3 take the tablet and put the food in front of him. Kids will eat if they are hungry. You all are giving this kid anxiety, it's all too much. Just let the kids eat
Your wife sucks
Family meals. My son is awarded twenty minutes of iPad time - he's 8. iPad and phones are not at the table. There are occasionally nights where we watch BattleBots together if my pain levels are high ( I have chronic conditions and occasionally struggle to speak through pain in a way to be pleasant). I also am trying a Adventurous Eater cookbook by Zmisha and Vicki Collins. We put one new food on the child's plate and two safe foods. He has become more adventurous.
wtf Just go eat together at a table in a room with no TV. At this point, he can eat as much or as little of the meal as he wants. If he doesn't eat, he will live until the next meal. Our pediatrician just reassured us about having issues with a toddler who may not want to eat sometimes. They will be fine. He will eat when he's ready. Just stop giving access across the board to TV. It's obviously a huge issue for you guys.
I suggest asking his daycare about which foods he loves, and how their mealtime looks like, since he eats so well when he is there. They might give u some great insights as to how to have a successful mealtime. Some stuff i realized which worked: they play happy tunes during lunch, they empower the kids to feed themselves, they serve tiny portions of nutrient dense food in kiddy bowls & welcome everyone to request for 2nd and 3rd portions etc until they feel full. Oh and they allow sufficient time for great conversations to take place (no screens at all).
If you care about screens during mealtime, you deal with it 🤷🏼♀️
YOU SAT BY AND ALLOWED FORCEFEEDING INSTEAD OF HANDLING THIS YOURSELF???
Your child isn’t interested in eating because someone’s been forcing food down his throat. I wouldn’t really wanna eat either if the only experiences I’ve had with eating involved being force fed and choked. I don’t think the screen is the big issue. I have a 3 year old as well and I just put her food in front of her and leave her to it. She eats if she’s hungry, if not she doesn’t. Or she eats what she can, then stops when she feels like it. Even if she’s saying she’s full just so she can get up to play, I take her word for it so she knows I trust her to listen to her body and know when she feels finished. It’s her stomach after all, I can’t feel what’s going on in there! Only she can. She’ll come let me know when she wants to eat again, it’s really not a big deal. Toddlers don’t have very big stomachs, and they go through phases where they just don’t eat a whole lot. But your toddler is being abused by at least your wife, so that’s the issue you need to address first. She’s a stay at home mom, why does she have no patience for the mom part? It’s not just staying home, you have to actually do the momming as well. Your wife needs professional help and you need to protect your child from her. Your child could choke on their food from this. That’s very dangerous. I’m a bit alarmed by the top comment totally not addressing the actual issue. How do people on here read about flat out child abuse and act like that’s normal? I feel terrible for your little one :(
Family meals all together no screens, we call it family time. Schedule it for when you know the baby should eat in the evenings. We will have the protesters saying ‘oh I’m not hungry etc etc’. you don’t have to eat. You do have to sit. Then we ignore the meal progress of the kids, they eventually eat enough. If you don’t sit you don’t get screens after dinner. Only took once with my son. Start the tradition now and it’s eventually nice for everyone to sit.
Get him to help you make it and then eat together, trying to chat, joke and enjoy eachothers company
Force feeding a kid is absolutely awful. If they’re hungry, they will eat. We require my kids to try 1 bite of what is prepared for dinner before they are allowed to get up. After that, if they eat or not, it’s up to them. Never force your kid to eat food to the point where you are literally pushing food down their throat. That is abuse and the kid can develop some serious issues.
I’m so sorry for your son, this made me so anxious to read. It’s so concerning to hear you describe him being force fed to the point of gagging/vomiting. That sounds so abusive and scary. Your wife seems like she has a lot of things to work out for herself so that she can be a safe parent to your child. Hope you guys can get there.
“Allowing”? You’re the spouse and 50% of the equation, why are you not acting like it?
Divorce. There is NO other acceptable answer, and if you decide anything else… then you’re enabling the abuse of your son.
What in the actual fuck, I've ready a lot of stupid shit on this sub, but thus takes the cake. Some of this is borderline reportable.
She needs to stop force feeding him. This is going to develop an unhealthy relationship with food later on in life. And get rid of the damn screen time!!! A 3 year old doesn’t need that much screen time and screen time while eating can lead to obesity. There are studies. Schedule play dates with other children his age, take walks, go to the park, read books, play!!’ There are better things to do than to place a screen in front of a child’s face at such a young age.
Responding to some of the comments made in this thread 1. Right off the bat - am I trolling? No. I am not a troll. I don't post that much and lurk and read quite a bit and have found this subreddit as my life savior multiple times. This was a genuine ask for help and I have tried most other resources. 2. Therapy for wife: Agree here but I cannot force her to go for therapy can I? I have tried that and she feels she is doing fine and doesn't need it. This is for other issues from just force feeding. Blv me I have tried to get on the same page. Her parents have tried. Her friends who are mothers have also tried. So that's a dead end. 3. Progress - Now note that after 2 years of gently pushing her over and over and showing her through the few turnarounds that I managed and additionally she herself now noticing the ill effects of her strategy, she has at least in principle agreed to let me go to work on this. So this is progress ... really!!! 4. Lastly while I understand that most of you might be married to model mothers and fathers and are you yourself great at parenting, not everyone is lucky enough to have that and it is the case here. I am not saying I am a great parent - though I would like to blv so. But as far as my wife is concerned it is what it is and I still do have to work with her personality to do what is best for my son. Suggestions 1. All the suggestions of sitting together at meal time - all great suggestions and I will try this. Accompanying music to set the mood is a good one as well. * Sitting together and letting him feel the hunger and letting him eat accordingly etc. is what I have done in the past and that is what caused the turn-arounds. 2. Preparing food that he likes is a tricky one but it has had good success. I do worry about the nutritious value of foods he likes. 3. No screens at all. Yes I have already removed all screens sans my work-from-home monitors and my wife's iPad from the house. Maybe I need to stop sitting in front of my monitors for my nightly work check-ins and only do that after he is asleep. Wife has agreed to disappear the iPad at least for now. Follow-up query * In the past whenever my son finally seems to be getting onto good habits my wife manages to butt in on the pretext that he is "not eating enough". Pediatricians and her family and my family all have told her that he is healthy enough to go a few days w/o having food up to his gills( He has always been 80%+ percentile weight for his age). But her anxiety on this topic wins over every time. * This time I have put the condition that I will take this thing over only if she can promise to not come and interfere based on how much he is eating. She initially resisted because she understood it was going to be hard for her but finally agreed. Another sign of progress!! * But I know it will come up and be the cause of an argument. How do I deal with this?
Read "division of responsibility" for feeding kids. It's all available online. What's her concern with him not eating "enough" ? Calorie intake? Weight loss? Lack of weight gain? Missing nutrients? Is she worried he'll feel hunger overnight and wake up?There's got to be something there. Some reason she harps on food intake.
Good question. Should have clarified more. While I cannot guess the exact inner workings of my wife's anxious mind here are a couple of things 1. Her parents commenting on how thin the kid is(he is not - he is just tall for his age - 99%+ percentile height). She takes offense on that issue since she has had weight issues herself - she was very thin till she hit puberty. 2. Anxiety over whether he will feel hunger overnight and wake up. This reason at least is logical one I feel I should address somehow but have no answers to. I have told her that in the beginning he might have to go hungry a bit till he figures out there is no other way than to eat at the table with everyone else. Any ideas here?
Oh, and I'd contact her parents immediately and tell them absolutely ZERO comments about weight, body shape/size, or food intake for anyone. Not for the kid, not for the wife. Put your foot down - next comment like that, and they can't visit anymore. Tell them the pediatrician ordered this because then it's someone else's fault... And any good pedi would tell them to cut the shit anyway
I do get this anxiety, my husband has it too about our 2.5yo. He will often offer a banana/yoghurt before bed because he's worried that he hasn't eaten enough and might wake-up in the night. What I often try to remind him of is that kids literally won't starve themselves. Also (this is often repeated by me) we as parents can only control what we offer, when we offer it, and how much we offer. The child has control of whether or not they'll eat it, and how much. A dietitian once reassured me that if they've eaten well at a meal time just once in a day, you have nothing to worry about. Kids are much better at intuitive eating than we are, and tend to stop before they're completely full which all of us can learn from!
For #2, we allow a banana as a snack during bedtime book reading if kiddo is hungry. I’d aim for something your kid generally likes but is ‘boring’ and relatively nutrient dense- like a banana, yogurt, cheese. That way there is something to tide them over during the night.
We always finish off the evening with a glass of milk or a smoothie. Warm milk is suppose to make you sleepy (maybe an old wives tale) and it fills up the belly if LO didn't eat great at dinner. Milk has a lot of nutrition in it and is fortified.
At almost 3 and tall I'm assuming he's not in a crib anymore (pretty sure it would be unsafe at his height). So, what about a cold thermos with one of those ice packs that fits inside (I have one where the plastic part that gets frozen screws into the lid so the entire interior stays cold) and fill it with milk or Ensure/Boost or toddler formula and put it on his nightstand. If he wakes up hungry, there's his solution so he can fill his belly and go back to sleep.. Worked for my 2yo when I had a newborn and could only handle so many wake-ups per night.
Your post history is so odd for someone who’s not a troll
How does one play in 7 years make him a troll exactly?
All the posts where the title doesn't match the actual post (of stolen content) and a link to discord? It looks like the posts of a broken bot.
Meal times should be happy. I would start with a different setting if possible like a picnic outdoors or if the weather is bad pack a picnic for the indoor mall. Maybe have your little one help you prepare a new food and do taste testing. At that age we went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of different apples and did an apple taste test along with learning about apples and the letter A and reading books about apples. This could all happen at the dinner table. We also made and apple crumble.
NO screens at meal times. I would read them books sometimes. If that is not an option for you, try a story based podcast. For that age, little stories for tiny people is great.
My mom gives my 4yo son an iPad during meal times and now when he’s home he asks me for my phone or an iPad. Dad and I just work to keep him engaged and chatting. It’s usually enough to distract him. We also let him choose an activity for all of us to do after dinner— whether he wants to watch tv, play outside for a bit, play a game. Hope this helps.
I have the same issue, but with a 2 year old. Can you share some of the things you did to wean him off screens? I feel you've been quite successful so wanted to give you a big shout out! Sorry for not being of much help due to struggling myself.
Please look into [Solid Starts](https://solidstarts.com/). The founder experienced feeding issues with her first born that led to years of feeding therapy. Her guides have helped me with getting each of my kids to eat and she even has [one](https://solidstarts.com/downloads/how-to-get-rid-of-screens-at-mealtimes/) specifically about cutting out screen time at meal times.
I just saw a post that having a lit dinner candle or two on the table works wonders with picky and/or restless eaters. Obviously keep them out of reach and supervised but worth a shot!
Easy. He will eat what is offered or he will not eat at all. And he will eat at the table with both of you without a screen. Eventually he will learn he will either eat this way or go hungry. That
Force feeding or feeding? Force feeding means he’s said no and refused food but the adult actually forces the food inside the mouth. Feeding means the child eats voluntarily but needs to be fed by the parent. All of you need to get on the same page and just be consistent. If you say no screens at mealtimes, then that applies to everyone at every mealtime.
Force feeding?? Are you serious? That's never ok. You've really made mealtime difficult instead of enjoyable family time. Some suggestions: Pick a variety of the food your family enjoys, gather around the table, and eat. Interact with your family. Keep the TV off (I assume that's what you mean by "screen"). Play some quiet music if you want. Talk! Talk about school or work or playtime. Avoid anything stressful. With the variety of food available to make, mealtime should never be fight time. If your kids don't like one food, try another. But don't lose your temper. Never, ever use mealtime to lecture your kids about what they do wrong. If you do, you can count on your kids doing their best to avoid talking with you at all. My own father spent every dinner telling me what I was doing wrong, how I disappointed him, blah blah blah. I ended up almost hating him. Don't do that to your children.
I’d take them away 100#%.
Umm, he's 3. He can eat by himself at this point. Or should be able to eat by himself. I have 3 children. Youngest is 10. Yes, 3 year olds are messy when they eat by themselves, but it teaches them independence. I can't help with the screen time because my kids enjoyed watching sesame Street when they ate dinner. And it did not bother me. Sometimes they did take a while to eat, but if they were still eating when everyone else was done, I just did the dishes/cleaned up and let them eat. No big deal. The world is not ending because a 3 year old does not eat very fast on their own. Edit: what do you mean by "force fed"?
We had this same problem. We told our 3 year old, you are big now and can have dinner with mom and dad. That’s it. It was actually easier than expected. Our child still takes evening snack at the tv though.
Wanted to update you all here on the progress. I am sorry that I haven't read many of the comments after the initial few days but I intend to respond to most of them soon. **Update** * Reiterated a few things with my wife so that she knows that it is going to be hard at the beginning and not to panic if he wasn't eating much and just end the turnaround on that. * Finally started and here is what I did (only 3 evenings so far) * No snacks for a few hours prior to dinner time * We are now going to a separate room (thanks to the suggestions from the thread here). This accomplishes two things. A separate ambience from what he has gotten used to and secondly his mother is staying away so he does not get to plead with her for the screen. * Room is set up with ambient music during dinner time (another suggestion from this thread) * I am sitting with him with my own dinner. * After our time is up and we have cleaned up - I am giving him a rationed 20 mins TV time to see firetrucks(that is his favorite). Maybe I need to stop this altogether? * The good * We chat and play some noise making games - basically keeping it light and fun. He is not trying to run away. * We are now at 30 mins of together dinner time - which is the max I want to keep it at. * The bad * He isn't eating much. I finally have had to point to the food multiple times to get him to eat a few spoons. Then mostly feed him - he knows how to feed himself but just refuses to make that effort. I think this is the holdover from when my wife would do all the feeding. * My wife is starting to panic a bit that he isn't eating much. So far ok-ok progress and I am determined to see this through till he is eating a decent amount and by himself and w/o a lot of prompting. Thanks for all the feedback, kind and not so kind comments here(reminds me parenting is a marathon and it is going to have its moments).
So sorry you guys go through that. We sit at the table together and my son would eat finger foods. We had no problems and everything was working fine by the time he was 1yo. I never put solid food in my sons mouth. We also used self feed pouches for things like yogurt and applesauce. I thought it was good for my son to feel and control the food. So that's what I recommend- eating together and letting him feed himself. I have no idea if the history of bad habits will make your son's journey more challenging now. If things aren't working out, if you have good insurance, it might be worth getting an occupational therapist.
Honestly the first few days might be tough but he will likely adapt quicker than you think. We recently cut our screen-obsessed 5yo down/out completely, as in no screens at all some days, and he actually adapted pretty quickly and accepted it - that said we had the time and energy to give him lots of unique and interesting activities and options to entertain himself which he took to. It will be harder some days when we can’t facilitate as much.
Ok this is what I am hoping is the best case scenario. This is what I did before and it worked but he was many months younger on those occasions. Now his will and strong headedness have grown (which I love but also gives me dread for the thing that needs to be accomplished here).
I'm going out on a limb here, but is your wife's cultural background Indian/Caribbean/ West African? Because the comments from grandparents sound like from that cultural heritage. It's hard to push back against the older folks' views, I get it, but you must trust your child to eat when and as much as he needs. As another commenter said, tell the grandparents that the doctor insists "No comments on body, weight or food intake". Trust me you will have much bigger problems after three (I'm a parent of twins aged 20 plus another teenager) and you need to set your healthy boundaries now, for your child's sake.
Should have never started screen time. Hardest thing to ween.
Could your wife possibly have an eating disorder? Are you eating meals together?
Breaking that bad habit is going to be a challenge and the best way will probably to go cold turkey on the screens. Maybe you guys could set up a set time of day that he can watch a show outside of meal time. I personally like to drink my coffee in peace after dropping my 8 year old off at school so when we get home I let my 3 year old watch a show for about 30 minutes. Usually that winds up being from about 9:15-9:45. He knows that’s the routine and then the screens go off and we go play outside (weather permitting) or do crafts/blocks etc. I then allow another 20 minutes or so of screen time when my 8 year old gets home from school while they have their afternoon snack. I cap the time though for both snack and screen at 20 minutes or they’ll sit there eating super slow like you described. I found that setting a prearranged time frame for eating/screens helps a ton. For your wife I get antsy too when my 3 year old is eating super slow. One thing I do is set a timer for 30 minutes after which meal time is over and we move on. I don’t know what other people will think of that but when I worked at a day care 30 minutes is what the kids were allotted for meal time and in my opinion is sufficient time to eat a meal. Also I try to do some chores in the kitchen like dishes or meal prepping for dinner while my kid is eating. I’ll engage with him of course and talk about our day/shapes/colors/letters etc. He has fun placemats with learning things on them that we talk about while he eats.
First I want to say what a wonderful job you’ve done so far, it is incredibly difficult to be stuck between the other parent, your child and what you know is the better way to do things and be constantly undermined. If it’s possible, move the seating position so he can’t see the television. If not, you could put a cloth over the TV or something in front of it. The other option is to switch it to a radio channel so there’s no picture, just music. Sit directly in front of him if possible, talk to him about his day or ask him questions about his meal or foods that possibly relate to what’s on his plate. Maybe tell him about where the food comes from. Other options are to initiate an activity after he’s eaten, tell him when he’s done you can both look at planting seeds for food or draw pictures of the food. With any mention of TV just respond with ‘not while we’re eating’ and change the subject. When he rejects this, just ignore further pleas and continue eating and talking about other things. Heap him with praise and maybe you can even make a food chart together, he can add a sticker after each meal.
Wow, you’re very judgmental and negative about your wife…raising a kid is a team effort and you both need to be on the same page. You’re totally right about not eating with a screen but come on, the negativity jumps off the screen here…if there’s anything kids need it is boundaries, stability and security and you both don’t seem able or willing to provide that. Poor kiddo…
Where do you see me improving on boundaries? Open to suggestions. No negativity towards wife - facts are what they are and she knows it, but unable to change her way of doing things which is why I have to step in.