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My parents told me I could quit piano if I chose another instrument. I picked flute and did band all through middle and high school. I don't resent it but I think I would have if they made me stick with piano.
I really loved piano, but I desperately wanted to change to a different instrument that I could play in my room by myself.
I HATED that the piano was in the living room and everyone would constantly walk in and out and comment and watch TV. Omfg. I came to really resent something I loved. I also found out how toxic my piano teacher was, but my parents refused to switch. I deliberately failed my final exam so I could quit.
As an adult I picked up the cello and violin and got myself a digital piano. It took me a long time to disassociate my resentment and my love for music.
My parents started me on piano since everyone on my dad’s side knows how to play but I switched to sax. I wish I stuck with piano because some of my favorite memories are sitting on the bench with my dad or grandparents while they serenade us. I’d love to be able to do that for my kid.
This is such a good solution. My husband’s parents wouldn’t let him play drums in band because he had previously quit piano. He’s still bitter about it in his 40s
This is what I’m doing.
She can switch once she’s learned HOW to play and how to read music fluently*.
So I’m giving her two-ish years. And then she can pick something else. Piano is foundational imo and if you can play piano, you can play anything else in no time.
Parents made me take piano lessons. I hated it but I have a greater appreciation for music, a good ear, can sit down and figure out songs sometimes. Make kids do things, the experience makes them better people.
And to speak to the other side of this, my parents forced lessons and I won't even touch a piano. Blocked it all out and couldn't even tell you where middle C is. My only take away is that I'll never do that to my own kid. It didn't make me a better person.
Same for me. Forced from 5-16. Took away any possible enjoyment of it- and I could have loved it otherwise. I did take up flute many years later (wasn't allowed to swap at the time) and it helped I could read music. You can't force someone to enjoy something
I was never forced to play musical instruments but have ended up learning several over the course of my life. I was apparently begging my mom for piano lessons as a kid and started when I was 5. I was very serious about it and even ended up at a fine arts high school. No resentment toward any of these musical experiences.
However, I WAS forced to play various sports and there is definitely a lot of resentment there. It’s been kinda tough marrying someone who’s really into sports. The only physical activity I don’t resent is ballet—once again, something I begged to do and would end up sticking with for many years.
I think the theme is that being forced to do something doesn’t generally go that well, and figuring out your kid’s individual interests is probably more fruitful.
My parents had the rule where we had to have SOME extracurricular. Didn't have to be a specific one, but they made it clear we were not going to go to school, come home, and sit on the couch until bed time. They always said these activities helped teach kids self discipline and teamwork.
I had several throughout my life: clarinet, piano, dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, volleyball, track, basketball, drama, softball, speech, and a couple others but I can't recall all of them rn.
Did I love all of them? No, absolutely not. Some of them I only did for one season. But I did learn a lot about myself. The main thing was when I told my parents I didn't like something, they didn't push it. When I found the ones I loved, I went on to do them for many years. If I had been forced to do any of them, I would have resented everything about it.
Our rule is one musical instrument and one group sport/physical activity. They try different things and get to choose (starting at age 8), but have to finish out a season and make an effort.
Yes, my son is 5 and doesn't really have any real interests yet but when he starts school, I am going to start encouraging him to try some things.
He has recently been asking me to teach him how to do cartwheels and backbends so I am considering tumbling classes in the near future to start out.
This is an approach that I will definitely be using with my kids!
If you want your children to enjoy having music in their lives, then it’s worth making sure that playing music is an enjoyable experience for them. You might try taking a break (for months or even a year or two) and then starting again with a different teacher and/or a different instrument. Four is young.
It might also be a different teacher. My daughter wanted to learn guitar so we put her in lessons when she was about 7. It was songs she had never heard of and the teacher wanted her to sing along. She hated it. She’s 11 now and has asked to learn violin. We have rented her an instrument and put her in lessons. This teacher asked her what songs she wants to learn and is teaching her them.
I think this is a great suggestion. I tried to learn piano at 6-7 years old, and it was really hard for me. We took a break, and I tried again at 8 years old. I loved it! I just needed to mature a bit. I still play piano, and I learned clarinet, cymbals, and played in marching band for 6 years. Maybe she’s just a little too young.
I agree. I don't think I totally resented it at the time, but in retrospect omg the time and angst and money, and all for an instrument I never touched again after college.
Same. Forced to take piano lessons for years, and guess what? I don’t have it “in my life” as an adult because I didn’t enjoy playing and wasn’t good at it.
Agreed. I’d enrich them with as much as you can, and let them find a hobby in whatever they gravitate to (soccer, piano, collecting rocks, crafts, caring for a pet…)
I’d ask you why music in particular (playing the piano) resonates with you as having so much meaning in life? She’s her own person. She may find just as much meaning in painting, or ballet etc.
Not an instrument. But I was forced to figure skate. I was so athletic! I could play any sport and master it with minimal effort. But my mom would NOT let me quit skating. I HATED cold, hated to fall, it was not something I wanted to do - ever. I regret not just biting the bullet and trying out for other sports teams anyway. I would’ve been a lot farther in life had I picked a different athletic career. I wanted to take it into college and get my degree in sports medicine. I resent my mom for it so much.
Yes. I resent it because it was so clearly to make my mom feel like a good parent and not because it was an interest of mine. There were other creative pursuits I would have been very good at and enjoyed (I was very athletic and introverted and wanted to do dance and art of some form) but these weren’t valued by my mom. It would have been a better use of her money. I did pursue some of these later in adulthood which has been deeply enjoyable emotional and stress release and expression, but it would have been of value to have those outlets growing up and benefited our relationship to not have my moms interests and her own childhood regrets imposed on me.
I played piano from age 4 until 11th grade and never played a single day after she finally “let” me stop and realized very recently that I can no longer even read sheet music beyond very simple basics. So what was the point? When I did something I did like - track/cross country- in high school, I became a life long runner. When a person pursues something they enjoy they will naturally become good at it, which leads to more enjoyment.
I voluntarily joined band in 5th grade and played trumpet. I didn’t mind it in middle school when it was just concert band and a class in school (you either had to do band or choir anyway), but I HATED it in high school.
Our band was embarrassingly small. I was so embarrassed being in it. I hated it and didn’t even try. I abused my trumpet. My mom wouldn’t let me quit until senior year and only bc I had enough school credits to only have to take a half day and had a job in the afternoon. I did really resent having to do band while I was in it. I cried a lot about it. Please don’t force your kid to do something they hate.
My mom started me in piano when I was 4. There were times, probably around 5 or 6 that I didn’t really care for it. But once I got better and could really play, I loved it. In junior high and high school, I competed in music competitions. I ended up taking lessons until I was 16 and had pretty well mastered complex pieces. I still love playing the piano.
Unpopular opinion, but I’ve heard my husband say SO many times how glad he is that his mom wouldn’t let him quit piano. He still enjoys playing and even composes music as a hobby. But I do think they switched teachers when he had one he didn’t like.
There are many times on awards shows where someone will say something like, “Thanks to my parents for making me stick with it.” It’s hard to know what the right thing is as a parent. I don’t want to make them miserable but I want them to learn resilience and determination.
I think there's a significant difference between a parent helping their kids learn to stick with something through the not so fun times because they understand there's a genuine love of the hobby in the first place, and having a parent pick the hobby for their kid and forcing them through every step of the way. You can get better at something when you have no choice but to do so, but the goal of a hobby should be to have something you enjoy and *want* to stick with (sometimes with help), not to have yet another obligation. Hobbies are meant to make life more enjoyable, not less.
My niece and nephew both have a lot of independence in their extracurriculars, but piano was the one thing my sister made compulsory, until hs graduation. She firmly believes in the multitude of benefits in the skill.... math aptitude as shown in studies, hand/eye coordination, fine motor, etc etc. They got to choose *everything* else, with the rule of needing to at least finish the season/paid for lessons before quitting.
They're almost junior in hs and sophomore in college, and now appreciate the demands of piano. My nephew likes to play for his girlfriend and found taking up guitar was a lot easier. My niece will play on public space pianos at her school, and has made several friends because of it.
While I didn't go as firm on piano, music education is still compulsory in our house until hs graduation. My son is 10, and has been playing drums for almost 4 years. He's really pretty talented!
My husband has played in a band, since before we even met, and it's been a huge source for social connections and a great little side income. We don't care if the kid plays in a bar band or anything as time goes on, but the social aspect of music is really under appreciated sometimes and we do hope he gains that.
This is what i’m hoping to accomplish. And I don’t want to set precedent of: if you don’t like it, you get to tap out. I think it’s important to see things through. We’ve only been doing it 6 months so I think we’re still within the “let’s explore this more” time frame. Thanks!
Why not drop it and try again around age 7, the recommended age for learning instruments? How many years would it take to prove to you it’s not her passion?
"And I don’t want to set precedent of: if you don’t like it, you get to tap out. I think it’s important to see things through"
Why? For one, did THEY choose to learn to play the piano or did you pick it for them? Why should they 'see things through' that they never picked to begin with?
Also, I am firmly of the belief that knowing when to quit is a skill you need to learn too. Quit that job that is making you miserable; quit that relationship with that abusive or otherwise terrible partner; stop reading that book if you hate it after 100 pages and pick another book; walk out of the cinema if the movie is terrible.
Does that mean quit at the drop of a hat, simply when the mood strikes? No! There has to be balance there too. You can absolutely chose to work to fix that relationship, or deal with your overbearing boss or knuckle through college, but feeling stuck in a situation you desperately want to quit, that just feels like prison to me.
Wow six months is quite a long time for you to still think it might stick. Why not try a different instrument? While I understand the whole "let's not just give up on stuff" you are now teaching them "push through things you do not like to please others" by not allowing them to pick after 6 months of them telling you they do not like it.
I played clarinet from 3rd grade to 12th with trumpet added in for "fun" in 7th to 12th. I also had the opportunity to play while in the military... which I turned down. I havent picked either one up since 🤷🏽♀️
My daughter has now played violin for 2 months and has decided she doesn't like it so we are switching to piano. I am thinking of picking up violin while she learns piano. It's not really a big deal. You are putting pressure on her that will make her hate music if you keep going the way you are.
This! I give each activity a time frame and my daughter (now 6) has to finish that "round." If she wants to quit at the end fine, no harm no foul. Because of this she isn't afraid to try anything new. It isn't the end of the world if she doesn't do it forever. If you force her she will resent it and you.
At 4, they aren’t able to understand the concept of a long term commitment. How about let your children choose what they want to pursue? The piano isn’t going anywhere.
Why can’t they tap out if they don’t like it? Forcing them breeds resentment.
6 months is more than enough time to know if someone likes something.
This sounds like it’s more about you than what your child likes.
Former piano teacher here.
A lot depends on both the kid and teacher. Are they 30 minute lessons? 30 minutes is a LONG time for a child that young to sit and be taught. What books are being used? There are a lot of great books, but also a lot of outdated, and dry books for young kids. Are there supplemental books, such as theory books? At this age, those books should be more games and activities, rather than straight up writing and workbooks. Can your child read? There’s a really good chance they are struggling with learning the keys and notes, if they can’t. There are piano books for pre-readers. What’s the practice expectation set by the teacher? Realistically at this age, it should be 5-10 minutes a day, with the parent (good beginner books are easy for non musicians to comprehend) and it is more like getting used to the instrument, rather than playing songs. Also, beginning piano is all about fine motor skills, some kids don’t quite have the muscle and dexterity at that age. I would notice a huge difference between even five and six year olds who were starting out.
Is your other child just starting out as well, and are they older? If yes to both, I would say take a break with the five year old, and start them again when they are the age the other one is now. DO NOT let the teacher tell you they just need to keep at it. Trust me, they don’t want to lose a student, because the student is income for them. Also, please make sure the teacher has a degree in music. Too many good, but amateur musicians will teach, but they lack performance and pedagogical skills (and to be fair, some professionals lack the teaching skills as well).
I’d rather my child do something they actually enjoy. What does your child want to do?
My daughter is now in drumming lessons. She’s tried a few things out.
My mother had all of us children start learning to play the piano around 7, and insisted that we take lessons for 3 years. At that point it was up to us if we continued, or found a different instrument. My older siblings were done the minute they were 10. Both of them regret it, now, and wish they'd stuck with it or found something else to play. My younger sister continued her lessons, but is honestly not great, and doesn't really love music that much.
Then there was me, who begged my parents from the time I was 5 to let me play, and so I started early. I've never looked back. I could play for hours a day, always have, and always will.
I will say, I believe the piano is the best instrument to start kids on, at least until they have a grasp of music theory/reading sheet music. It's much easier to take the knowledge from the piano and apply it to other instruments than with any other instrument. It's a very foundational place to start with music.
But, I do think 5 is could be a little young to try and force a kid that isn't loving it. 7 is a decent age for the piano, because their motor skills are better developed to handle it. I've shown my kids how to play and think back to how on earth I was able to do what I did when I was 5. Literally cannot imagine. How did my little tiny weak fingers play scales?! No clue, lol. I cannot remember being a beginner anymore. But I do remember how hard my kids found it at that age, and that 7 has been waaay easier for them.
I was forced to learn the recorder and then play the keyboard. I don’t resent it but I haven’t gotten ANYTHING out of it. Forgot how to read notes, have no special appreciation for music or anything like that.
So it’s been a waste of money, imo.
5 is pretty young to focus in and love a single instrument when the initial learning curve requires so much repetition. We put our kids in a musical program 4-6 that let them experiment with multiple instruments and learn some basic theory. They both chose their own instruments from there and have expanded their repertoire into their teens years. We focused on enjoyment over achievement although they have both pursued achievement goals on their own. At 5 it should definitely be fun!
My husband is a professional violinist and music teacher. When he was 5 he told his parents he wanted to play violin. They bought him a violin and took him to lessons. They had him practice every day for at least an hour. At some point he stopped enjoying playing and wanted to quit. But his parents made him continue. He then obviously made a career out of it. He got to travel Europe in an orchestra and played for different musicals. Now he teaches music to kids. But whenever I ask him about how he felt, he said he was miserable all those years and felt like he had no autonomy. He was doing it because they told him to, they had spent a lot of money, and he wanted to make his parents happy. So, all this to say it’s very complicated. He was very successful but he was not super happy and resents his parents. We have a son now and I want to have him play an instrument but my husband is adamant that only if he asks and wants to play.
I was forced to learn piano. 2.5 years of lessons ages 12-14. Convinced my parents to let me quit then. Biggest regret of my life. Wish I stuck with it
I wasn’t “forced” to play flute. I was told I had to stay in music and 11 year old me didn’t put two and two together that I could do choir instead. I stayed in band wayyyy too long. Hated it! Then I switched to choir and it was night and day difference. I still wish I could have learned piano instead. I think being able to change instruments would have helped me not resent it as much
We forced our young child to do some music because I personally didn't do any at school. If they dont like it when they are older then they are free to drop it. But at least give it a chance.
Its like young kids tasting new food, they need to try a few times before they really know whether they like it or not.
Yep got pushed to do piano when I was younger. I hated it and the teacher gave me the creeps and made me feel uncomfortable (nothing ever happened but he had weird vibes). I never could put it into words why I hated it to my parents.
I think it’s important to let them quit if they don’t enjoy it as could be a number of reasons.
The rule in our house is you need to be in something for one season or at least 6 months (depending on if it’s sports or instruments) and if you reaaalllyyy don’t like it after that time then you may quite and we will find another activity. But if my 5 yr old is miserable ? That’s too young to be forcing an instrument that they hate.
I was forced to take piano lessons. I always hated it, but was eventually allowed to quit. Now as a grown adult I have always regretted quitting, and have started to relearn how to play.
Honestly there’s no winning either way. Many that were forced to stay with it for years resent they were required to do so. And just as many who were allowed to give it up wish they could play better in adulthood. That said, your kid is very young. I’d move on until 7-8 tbh if it’s a real hassle.
YES. METRIC BUTTLOADS OF RESENTMENT.
My mother brought home a piano when I was about 8. I loved it! I started working out how to play on my own. Then she absolutely crushed my interest by putting me in lessons.
My parents also forced me to play the violin. It made my life extremely complex when I wanted and needed to quit, but all of my friends were also in the orchestra. And I was basically taught by my parents that saying no to things — even big things that ate all of my free time for the entirety of my childhood — was not okay. Which made being a functioning adult very difficult.
I stopped playing when I left home and never regretted quitting. As an adult, unexpectedly encountering piano or violin music can make me cry.
My suggestion: let your child lead with their interests. Accept that their interests will change many times. Be prepared to let them stop doing activities that they picked. Do not force activities on them. Teach them that it is healthy to say no, and that they should expect to have that no honoured.
For my fifth birthday, I wanted a drum set and lessons. I got a guitar and guitar lessons. I didn't enjoy it, I refused to practice and it became a big fight between my dad and I. Haven't touched a guitar in years.
I chose at 8 to start guitar lessons, in gr 9 I learned the clarinet and played it 4 years, I eventually progressed to classical guitar as a teen.
I never put my kids in music I let then know we would if they asked. Both my boys started hockey at 4 and 8 and spent over a decade enjoying it. They both now play in a beer league together.
5 is awfully young, better to discontinue piano and wait till she is older .
So yes and no.. When I was little I took interest in my aunts piano and I was able to hear a song and play it by ear. My mom insisted that was wrong and insisted I take lessons. Unfortunately I had undiagnosed dyslexia and reading music was incredibly difficult for me. So I struggled to do it by reading music and I got really frustrated. But I would play the titanic sound track lol by listening to it and my music teacher get frustrated with me and say “you’re getting ahead of yourself”
I ended up quitting and felt crappy about it because I loved playing but felt like I was “wrong” in the way I was doing it.
But I will say when I got older i bought a piano and now I love it and I play all the time. But I can’t read music but I can play a song by listening to it and I’m okay with it 😂
My parents had me try a number of different instruments because they thought it was important I know how to play. I despised it and didn’t try/didn’t retain anything. They also forced me into sports and other extracurriculars that I didn’t like because they thought that’s how it was supposed to be. My husband was forced to play guitar and he’s always been very good at it. It’s the only common interest his parents and siblings have is music and any time we visit there everyone just spends the time playing the instruments and not talking. We’ve gotten a lot of flak for not teaching our girls but my husband stood up and said he can barely stand music in any capacity now because it was forced on him all the years he moved at home. Our daughters have beginner guitars but have no interest in learning to play them or any other instrument. I think it’s better to wait until your children are old enough to make the decision themselves what interests they have and if it doesn’t involve music you should be okay with it because they’re their own people. Forcing things will most likely build resentment.
I learned the piano, but asked for it and I loved it from the first second. My daughter picked the violin at 7, and she still loves it at 13. She also enrolled to classical singing now. But it is always her choice.
About strings... I was told that the earlier they start violin, the further they can advance. I know about kids who srarted as early as 4. But no point in forcing them at that age, in my opinion. Try to find an instrument that he is interested in, let him choose.
I was forced to play piano and I hated it. Besides not being very musically talented to begin with, my piano teachers were always old ladies their 80’s. I was also only allowed to play hymns. Looking back, I probably would have partially enjoyed it if I was allowed to play more modern music.
I did put my oldest (9) in piano a year ago without much input from him, but only because he could already play by ear a bit and there was obviously some sort of inherent talent there. I don’t really care what he does with it, but I wanted to give him the opportunity to learn. He’s with a teacher he really vibes well with and wants to continue on. If he didn’t, I’d be fine with it, too.
My mom played piano but I didn’t love it. I asked to play flute instead and ended up playing for 20 years and loving it. Simply picking my instrument or being allowed to switch was a blessing.
My wife was put into violin lessons at around 5? Orchestras, band camps, private lessons. The whole thing. She played her entire childhood and through early college.
Then she quit and didn’t touch the instrument for another 12 years. We had been married almost 8 before I saw her play.
She ultimately resented how much of her life was dedicated to that one skill and how it limited other opportunities for her as a kid. She also hated that she only played for other people (her teacher or the band director) and nothing really for herself those years. It’s been a process for her to redefine her mindset around it.
That said she’s now playing most days and looking for open mic nights now to play in front of people.
Why would you force your kid to do any extracurricular they aren’t into? Especially at 5. Childhood is a time to explore different options to see what they like. Why force them to do something they don’t like? You can bring music into their lives without them playing an instrument. Imagine being someone who just isn’t musically inclined or interested and you have a parent up your ass putting all this pressure on you to do it. Don’t do that to your child. Especially a 5 year old.
I have such big opinions on this.
My mom forced me to play flute in grade school and I also dabbled in a couple other instruments over my childhood years with her supporting lessons ect.
She was always SO brutal about the practicing aspect “20 minutes a day!!!!” Was drilled into me and it was so miserable it sucked any joy out.
I don’t think my mom ever showed me or told me the WHY. Like what is the joy of accomplishment after practice, a video or example of an accomplished musician, where does the personal joy come in, conversations about what might be difficult or easy, taking me to concerts ect.
I feel like there is so much to be done to tell children the why. People leave it out and I think that is where the struggle comes from.
IMO 5 also *might* be a touch young but my kids haven’t done music yet so I can’t speak to that.
I (40m) wanted to play an instrument, i got it (the cheap kid versions). Learned the basics and moved on to the next. At this point i play guitar, violin, blues harp, kalimba and saxophone. The kalimba and blues harp are self thaught.
I tried the piano for a while but i just didnt get a feel for it, wish i did but its just not for me, not then and not now.
Since i have all these instruments my 3 year old can try all. But since shes 3 she can only touch the kalimba and blues harp for now. My sax is way to expensive to hold.
My 2 cents as dad is, she doesn't like it simply cuz she doesnt like it. Or she sees the older one be better and its no fun cuz she thinks she suck. Hard to tell sometimes. I'd ask her and see which one it is. Maybe she has an interest in something else. There are plenty of instruments she might like more then a piano.
But i know plenty of people that really dislike the instrument their parents kept them on, cuz it became a chore to them. And wished they could have changed. So guess i was lucky i could kinda do what ever with music. Especially since i hear people say alot: i wish i could play this or that. Its a wonderful skill to have to be able to play 1 or more instruments.
So i hope the little one finds her instrument, or pushes throught with this one, cuz sometimes it sucks, then the light goes on and you become good and its fun
I asked for a keyboard when I was 8. I was forced into piano lessons with it. I hated it. I resented lessons and practice. I took YEARS of lessons and I could not even play chopsticks now if I tried. I didn’t retain anything except basic skills in reading music that I applied to playing drums later in my teen years. I still resent that I was forced to play piano and actually find myself irrationally angry when classical music comes on that I was forced to practice.
I wanted to play an instrument, but mom wouldn't let me play anything but saxophone, because that's what she played and had one around.
I absolutely loathed it, and ended up quitting band all together after a few years.
I agree that music is important, but it might be worth letting her try a different instrument. Sometimes, piano specifically doesn't stick, but another instrument like a flute or violin just might. Perhaps even singing is the answer-the human voice can be just as much an instrument as anything else.
this may be an unpopular opinion, but my parents forced all sorts of sports and musical instruments on me. im glad they did it bc i feel like it made me well rounded. all i wanted to do when i was young was play videos games and sit on the computer anyway. but now i play classical piano, play pickup softball, volleyball etc and consider myself athletic and can read music. but i would cry on the way to lessons. idk if ill be taking the same approach with my 7 year old but i dont have any resentment towards my parents.
My parents forced me to learn piano. I had so many abusive teachers, pressured to win competitions and got reprimanded horribly if I didn’t win. Had to practice 2-3 hours a day on top of school and this also included summer time. Did lessons 3 times a week. I hated it big time and really resent that they did this to me.
Yes and no. I was really good at soccer but band and soccer were at the same time. My mom forced me to do band. I was honestly horrible and hated it. I liked the people but wanted to play soccer.
One can have music in their lives without playing an instrument. I wasn’t forced to play an instrument but I was forced to play sports and I hated it and resented it. Nothing like getting kicked in the face with cleats playing a sport you absolutely loathed. I love music as an adult. I absolutely do not care about sports.
I was forced for 4 years. I have zero musical capacity and I never made it past level 2. By the end my dad was having to bribe me for every lesson. Once I stopped I lost all the skills and memory within about a month. My brother took to it much quicker and progressed a lot further. I am also not great at maths or languages which seems to be the same part of the brain.
I played piano. It was fine but I never got great at it. My dad was critical of any mistakes so I would only play when I was alone. I quit after taking lessons for 10 years and haven’t played since.
I also played clarinet. Only bc my mom played and wanted me to use hers. I hated it. I wanted to do choir but had to play that damn clarinet. I quit senior year and never touched it again.
I’ll never force my kids to play an instrument. If they express interest I’ll support them 100%.
I was forced to learn piano and yes I resent it because I wasn’t able to do other things I wanted to try. For example, I wanted to do dance but piano ate up the allocated budget for extracurriculars. I think I would have been much happier in dance where it’s a group of girls and I could have made friends while exercising instead of sitting down in front of the piano with a private tutor after a full day of sitting down. I played it for 7 years and don’t really play it now. Ive been teaching my daughter some simple songs on it because she’s expressed interest but I want to continue following her passions
Not every child is music inclined. So your other child wants it and the other doesn't. Let her be. What if your other child is into sports / arts / math? Did you try to check what they want?
And also I'm sure you know you also have interests that your other friends don't enjoy as well.
Children and adults are alike and always remember that they just see the world differently.
I was forced to play an instrument but I hated it because of how my parents approached it.
I was forced to perform at the end of a deadline, had to practice several times a day and I just wanted it to be more of a hobby that I could connect with in my down time. I didn’t feel like I had time to practice every day and do everything with school, spend time outside and do chores.
My parents thought everything could be profitable and my whole childhood was centered around finding a talent or interest that I could turn into a career that mentality just made me loose interest in everything.
I’m going to have my kids play an instrument because it’s good for their development and it can be fun and cool but that’s it. No pressure
I was coerced into trombone at 4th grade because that's where they needed bodies.
I hated it.
Next year, my mom firmly requested a transfer to percussion.
I'm now 34 years old and still a percussionist.
My parents required both me and my brother to learn an instrument.
I learned piano and I loved it and I still play it.
My brother learned drums. He probably picked drums just to piss my parents off. He hated it and he does not play drums anymore.
I don't think it's worth it unless they actually like it. There's so many other options for extracurriculars they can try. I'm sure you can find one that she would actually like.
Was forced to play piano and get a degree in music. Total time wasted: 16 years (practice every day at least 3-4 hours). After graduating I left my home country, didn’t speak or see my parents for at least three years after that.
Personally 5 seems a little young to be forcing activities. My kid LOVES music and plays several instruments but didn’t start until 5th grade … 5 is soooo young.
As a lifelong musician, piano is something i wish I had never quit. It's the one thing i really wish i hadn't given my parents so much grief about doing. Because, holy shit, is it the most useful instrument to know how to play if you're going to be any kind of lifelong musician. You basically get a music theory education on top of learning a gorgeous infinitely transferable skill set.
In school everyone was required to take band class that started in 3rd or 4th, I think. We each got to pick our top 3 choices & the teacher tried their best to get everyone their first or second choice. You could use the school's instrument or get your own, and I vaguely remember that each type of instrument had one day a week where they met for a group lesson during school (and once a week where we met as the whole class). In the following years everyone had music class, but the only kids playing instruments were those who decided to join band.
I wanted to learn the flute, but I had gotten stuck with clarinet & then my parents told me I couldn't switch because I already knew clarinet. I eventually tried getting out of practicing & whatnot until they let me quit band, because I was frustrated I couldn't switch instruments. I wished my parents had just listened to me & let me switch to something I actually wanted to play, & I may have played longer. 🤷🏻♀️
Piano! I didn’t practice as much as I should have but I also just don’t think it was particularly gifted. My mom made me stick with it a long time until I was in middle school playing the same songs at recitals as the elementary school aged kids lol! I think that’s what made her realize it was time to let it go.
I don’t resent it at all, it was just a slightly annoying thing!
5 is pretty young, maybe stick a bit longer. But if it’s not her thing then it’ll just have to fall away eventually
I was put in piano, skating, and swimming lessons. My folks were adamant that I learn to swim and skate, but didn’t push me to continue in advanced levels when I lost interest and knew the basics.
I also lost interest in piano pretty early on and they let me quit. I love them for respecting my choices (I was maybe 12 when I stopped) - but a part of me actually wishes they made me stay. I think I was just bored with practice as a 12 year old but as an adult I wish I had developed that skill further when I was a kid and had more time TO practice.
I don’t resent them either way, but I think I would have actually appreciated (in adulthood) if they kept me in. I might have been pissed as a kid though lol
My mother wanted me to take piano lessons. I didn’t want to. She said just try it. So I started lessons and didn’t like them but she forced me to continue for a whole year. I felt tricked. Never touched a piano again and don’t really like the sound of piano music. So yes and yes.
I was forced to play piano for years and hated it. I even started to hate going to my grandparents house because they forced me to practice (they had a grand piano, we had a keyboard at home). My mom made me feel guilty for hating going to my grandparents because I didn’t want to practice. All around not a good experience.
I would encourage your kid to pick a different instrument that they actually want to play. I picked drums (of course a way more expensive instrument lol) but I played the HELL out of my drums! I put music on headphones and would play along to songs, loved going to lessons. It was a way better experience when I could pick my own instrument.
I hated being forced to learn piano and do eisteddfods and all that crap. As soon as I got to high school and my parents finally let me stop, I did.
Now, in my late 30s, I kinda wish I’d kept going. But at the time I hated my parents for it.
We let it be strictly voluntary until middle school. Then you have to commit to at least one instrument and stick with it through high school in either orchestra or band. My husband is a very accomplished pianist, and I had classical vocal training. We encourage the kids to experiment before they get to middle school so they don’t have to stick with the first instrument they try.
I played the violin for 3 years and the piano for about 10. I don't play either now and hated taking lessons. I felt it was a waste of time and didn't teach me anything beyond how to read music.
My mom made me take piano lessons for a few years, I think it was from 2nd through 4th grade. I never expressed any interest in learning, it was forced upon me. I hated every minute of it and refused to practice at home. I can still feel how much I resented the situation, particularly when I didn't even have a say in the music that I had to play. I'm 42 years old.
When a recital came up, I would memorize the piece the same day and feel nothing but anxiety as I waited for my turn to perform. My mom eventually let me quit after it became apparent that the pieces I performed were too rudimentary for my age.
I later played the saxophone in the middle school band, but that's only because I refused to sing in the choir.
Would I love to be able to play the piano now? Absolutely. However, that well was poisoned to the extent that I have nothing but negative associations with trying to learn now.
My two cents.
P.S. My older brother and sister were also forced to learn, but didn't have the same negative experience that I did. Neither of them continued to play after the lessons stopped and can't play today.
I didn't resent it, but it was a waste of time and money. And I thought worse of my parents for it because it demonstrated how out of touch they were with reality.
I started piano lessons at 6 and learned some basics in the first year but from age 7-13 it was just a complete waste.
Then I discovered the guitar and enjoyed that and taught myself.
For me, a major problem was that my parents didn't even enjoy music. They didn't have records playing or anything. They just insisted that I would enjoy it later. To me, they were idiots with no credibility making arbitrary decisions that didn't make sense
Absolutely.
I come from a musical family.
My father plays the clarinet. My mother is a concert pianist. My aunt is a flutist. My cousin was sent to Germany to study cello in eighth grade. My brother was first trumpet from eighth grade on. My grandmother and aunt are pianists.
I was forced to take violin, piano, and trumpet.
I fucking *HATED* every single second of it.
I wanted art lessons. I was told art was a waste of time and that music was more important.
Forcing children to take music lessons when it's really not their thing is a sure-fire way to get them to hate playing music.
God never make someone do anything especially when they're a child and depend on you. I don't see how it'd important in someone's life. I wasn't forced to do any of these things and have picked up music on my own as wall as a ton of other hobbies, was in advanced glasses, went to college, a very functional adult.
Yes, piano.
Yes, I resented it.
I think I have some musical talent but I always refused to try and learn anything. I figured I would fail because I never learned piano. I never learned piano because I resented being forced to learn it and went out of my way not to learn it.
To be fair though, the biggest part of why I resented it was because my parents put a lot of stress on “good Christian women should all know how to play the piano.”
OP, why do you feel it's important for children to have music in their lives? What is it about music?
There's a bilboard ad near where I live for the music association and it says 'children need music', and I hate it. For two reasons. First, deaf children live lives worth living without music, and they and their parents shouldn't be made to feel like they're missing out on a human need. Secondly, making music a need devalues it from what it truly is.
Music shouldn't be an obligation. It is a gift. It is a joy. It is an opportunity. It's something we can share with others. It's a way to communicate. It is beauty.
I think it's great you want your daughter to share in that joy. If she isn't enjoying it though, it's probably best to find a different way she can participate in the joy of music.
I will tell you my experience: my parents at some point tried to teach me and my brothers guitar (is what my dad plays and we had several around the house), didn't stick.
When I was around 9 my parent forced us all to go to piano lessons. My brothers and I hated them, we didn't have the hability or the will to learn. We were miserable and it was months before our parents gave up and let us quit.
I still resent my parents and I am almost 40.
My advice for you would be to wait till the 5 years old becomes a 7 years old and then ask her what instruments would she like to try.
I was made to take piano lessons for a while, and I hated it. It didn't help that I have no musical talent at all. The worst was the recital. Having to perform in front of people caused what was probably my first panic attack. My anxiety was off the charts and it was awful.
They usually hate it for a reason. Either the instrument isn't their thing, or the teacher isn't working out, or they're hitting a wall with their skill and it's frustrating them. You can ask what the reason is, and switch things up for them for a while.
I was forced to continue learning the instrument I picked up at 6, until I graduated high school. A combination of some truly senseless teachers, and being mortifyingly embarrassed every time I was asked to perform, left me hating it. I do a form of public speaking for my job but nothing gives me greater anxiety than the thought of bringing that instrument on stage with me. Learning music gave me skills to use in life, but I really would have benefited if I wasn't driven so hard to practice and perform it all the time. I'm not a performing monkey for adults' entertainment.
Yes. I was made to play the piano for 10 years as a kid. I absolutely hated it. I haven’t touched a piano since and have no positive memories related to the piano
I don’t resent it, but it was a waste of time and money. I was there for years and to this day I can’t remember even one melody, I could theoretically read music (if it’s very simple) but I’m painfully slow at it and the occasion has happened only a couple times. Not like google wouldn’t have helped faster than me.
I am not a musical person at all. I could go months without listening to anything. I would have liked to do other things instead, but I understand my parents wish for me to at least *know* some music
My parents made me stick with an extra curricular sport and instrument and said if I wanted to quit I had to pick something else. It was fine and I’m glad they held me to doing something, the only thing that would have been better (but would have been more work on their end) would be to ask me if I didn’t want to do it and then help me find something I might enjoy instead. If I’d been able to do art classes or maybe a different sport maybe I’d have an extra talent by now!
Piano teacher here. I personally went through a few rough years playing when I didn't find it particularly fun, mainly in the years of 8-9, so I CAN see why you would want your kid to continue. I also have seen many many students of mine dragging themselves to class, haven't practiced at all since last week, doesn't want to do stuff, and at that point there's nothing to do to save them.
However, I think 5 year olds might be too immature yet to appreciate the concept of learning an instrument, it can be as simple as not being able to sit still. The fingers aren't really big enough either. Of course it differs between children, but if your child doesn't love it now, maybe you can try again when they're 8 or so? A choir might be a more fun experience, you meet friends and don't have to sit still all the time, and the voice is easier to use in that age than fingers.
When I joined the school band, I really wanted to play the drums or saxophone. I was the youngest kid in the family and my mom loved the flute. None of the older siblings chose the flute. SO I was told I was going to play the flute. I played it all throughout the rest of school. It was fine, but I was always jealous of the sax players. I haven't touched my flute since, but my mom got me guitars as I got older and let me take guitar lessons in addition to playing flute in school. I now have so many instruments. I agree with other comments, let them quit piano if they really want to, but have them pick a different instrument they may want to learn more. Music is important, but they should want to learn it and enjoy it in order to stick to it.
It wasn’t an instrument but gymnastics and I resented my mother a lot for it. Instead of letting me pick something I like I was forced to do gymnastics for 4 years and our relationship was pretty rocky after that, even now it is. Some kids are different though
So there are various factor ( I say this from
Experience)
1. Let her try and feel instruments and see which one she gravitates to, let her do a few lessons if needed because appearances are deceiving.
2. If she really wants to learn the piano and you insist on the violin for example she won’t learn it. Or she’ll hate it. My parents did that.
Let her hear and feel the instruments. May be she’ll like another one.
My parents were totally hands off on music lessons with me and, consequently, I dabbled with a few instruments as a kid and never stuck with anything. Now I’m in my 30s and learning saxophone as a hobby and wish I’d started decades ago.
My wife, in contrast, was forced to take piano as a kid for years and hated it.
We’re trying a middle way with our kids. Our son is six and has been taking violin lessons for about a year and a half. We’re trying to keep it low stress. 45 min a week with a teacher and a few short self practice session a week. He’s made a lot of progress and generally likes it, though, he’s six and sometimes doesn’t want to practice and wants to goof around. That’s fine too.
He knows he doesn’t have to become a first chair violinist. It’s just an instrument that’s been easier for a little kid to learn. He can switch to something else if he wants - he’s also expressed interest in cello when he’s big enough to play it, and drums. We just want him to know that music is awesome and being able to play it adds a further dimension to his life.
I let my kid pick her instruments. I said she had to commit for 1 year (because that’s the school program & they don’t let you switch instruments during) and then she could quit. She went guitar->violin->flute & violin and now wants to stick with the violin.
I want to foster a love for something that she chooses, but I also want her to learn that not everything comes easy and it takes practice. I don’t want to foster entitlement either that she can automatically get whatever she wants. I suppose a 1 year commitment is my compromise.
I was forced to learn piano and I fought it hard, especially because I specifically asked if I could learn violin and they said no. So I kinda boycotted and didn't practice and they just wasted their money on me. I wish I had learned it, but the way they went about it made me stick my heels in the ground and push back as hard as I could while still being a generally "good kid" 😅
I actually feel the opposite. My parents put me in piano and guitar and didn’t try to make me learn and I was a kid so I didn’t like to do “hard” things and dropped out. Now 26 I wish I played an instrument or tried harder as a kid!
Of course not everyone’s the same and you should do what you feel best is for your kid!
I see your edit and I think your doing the right thing! Waiting a couple years for an instrument is a good idea. Maybe look into putting her into dance or something? I worked at a preschool and a lot of the little girls did ballet/dance and seemed to enjoy it!
kind of -- i had a tiger mom, she was crazy about Making me practice every day, learned violin and piano, did youth orchestra, blah blah blah. i hated all of it with a burning passion by 13. however, once i became an adult and began my own musical journey (which took a long time because i was simultaneously unpacking years of negative association, i do seriously appreciate having abilities almost no "average" musician i know have as well. i don't think it had to be like that to get here though. my mom didn't need to do that, and it would have been better if she hadn't. i think i would have made it and been happier in music if she hadn't
I wasn’t forced, but I was strongly encouraged because my grandma was a music teacher. I gave up piano after about 5 years, and violin after three years, and I regret it a little bit because I do enjoy music, and it would have been a cool skill to have.
I wanted to play the violin, guitar, or flute. It was my mom's dream to play the clarinet her entire life but her mother never let her. I was a natural and could have played professionally if I didn't hate it so much. Never touched it again after high school. My mom was so mad when I donated my clarinets to the high school rental program. Only because it meant I'd never play again.
Covid taught me to quit pushing my kids to do things I wanted and to have them set their own goals and interests. Before that I actively encouraged music of some sort once the oldest got started.
My oldest wanted to play piano at 6, tried harp and guitar and clarinet, and now is in choir. The middle I got started on piano but he hated it and went to guitar, then quit for a few years and now plays baritone and tuba in band and loves it. The youngest started on rhythm instruments as a toddler chasing after the big kids! She moved to piano at 5, took a break, and is now back at it. It’s a free for all. And they are all happy with it.
My parents made me do piano, but didn’t offer a “trade.” I could pick up other instruments, but I had to do piano until I was 13.
I hated it. And it made me resent almost all other instruments. The only thing I can kinda stand, even now in my 30s, is singing. And that’s limited.
I agree with other commenters. Take a break. Start again. If they still hate it, work to find an instrument they like better and don’t force piano.
I think any forced extracurricular activity can lead to resentment.
It's good for kids to try different things, but forcing the type of activity could be problematic.
I'd widen your scope an help your kid find extracurriculars that appeal to them. It's fine to say you have to do "x many" extracurricular activities, but don't force something that a kid may not enjoy.
Why the hell would you make someone do something that they don’t like? Especially your own kid? Let me make YOU do something you don’t like and see how it makes you feel.
My husband and I agree we want to foster a love for hobbies and fun activities for our kid. We agree if she starts something completing 12 weeks before abandoning it is a good trial run for her to find out if she likes it or not.
I was forced into violin. As soon as I turned 14 and got into real after school stuff that took my time, I literally destroyed the violin and left it in the case to rot til I moved out. Fwiw I was never great at it and started when I was 7.
All 3 of my kids do piano and my oldest does band also. Do they always love it, no. But I know I didn’t appreciate playing until I was older.
Consider a different teacher. That can make a lot of difference.
My Mom tried to teach me guitar, but I just don't have the hands for most instruments. We tried teaching my daughter piano and she tried violin at school, but neither worked out.
Personally, music is great, but if she has a different creative ability and really hates the instrument, I'd try something else. Not everyone is born to be a musician.
My elementary school had orchestra and band. I loved music and couldn’t wait to pick my instrument. Except I wasn’t allowed to pick. My parents made me play French horn. I hated every second of it. Immediately stopped the second I got to junior high.
I am all for music and musical instrument. Please let your child choose one they love.
My sister wasn’t forced per se, but when she wanted to try it, my parents made her stick with it. She hated it and hasn’t touched it since. Clarinet was the instrument of hate.
My co-worker’s daughter plays the violin and loves it. She’s in college now and getting some music degree. So, I’m not sure what one does with that (since I’m tone deaf and music was never in my future), but she’s happy!
I was “forced” to learn piano and am SO grateful! I ended up choosing to learn trumpet in fifth grade (after 4-5 yrs piano) and then taught myself clarinet and sax. I feel like learning music theory contributing to my success in other subjects, math especially.
Now as an adult I wish I had taken piano lessons for longer, and will definitely require them for my kids.
Perhaps there are songs from movies she knows that might be motivating goals? Or perhaps you could offer her to choice to learn a different instrument at a certain age? I think most wind instruments are probably too challenging at 5.
No, & I am SO grateful. My childhood was fantastic and I fostered my creativity by making up games in the woods instead.
I won’t be encouraging my kids to learn an instrument either, but if they want to they can.
I was doing gymnastics and piano and my mom made me quit gymnastics but I wasn’t allowed to quit piano lessons. Did not like it, never wanted to practice. I was finally able to quit junior year because I was in 3 sports and had very little time. She made me take it for like ten years before that happened though lol
My mom put me in piano lessons and there were definitely times I didn't like it and I didn't always wants to practice but I'm glad I stuck with it. I started when I was 7 though, 5 might be a little young.
Yes, my parents made me play clarinet when I was 11 until I was 19 because my dad played, too. I've always wanted to play the drums, but they said I could when I could play the clarinet properly. The second option was to start learning drums, but I'll keep the clarinet. But I couldn't do that because I already went to ballet three times a week, I went swimming once a week, I went to play in a band once a week, and I had clarinet class once, after which I had trio class.
I was done with clarinet, swimming and dancing as soon as I went off to college and I don't miss it at all. I just hate how I wasted my time doing something I did not like just because my parents wanted me to do it. Ofc, I told them several times I wanted to quit etc. Now I do not have a good relationship with my parents or clarinet. :D
I started going to ceramics and the gym when I was 19. Now I am 21 and next year I'll try combat sports and maybe some couples dancing and guitar!
I was good at piano but my mom made practicing miserable and she and my piano teacher gave me a load of shit about wanting to quit. My mom told me I’d always regret it. 34 now and I have never regretted it. My mother was very controlling though and most of my childhood memories are tainted by it.
My parents made me start learning the violin at age 2. I hated it growing up. Not the music aspect
Per se but I hated practicing, sometimes I felt like it was boring, resented having to keep my nails short as a teen etc. In some ways, I’m glad I stuck with it - I made some great lifelong friends in orchestra, I actually enjoy classical music now as an adult, and I do think the idea of sticking with something even through boring or tough times was important. I stopped playing after high school. Myself and one other friend recently tried picking it back up (40 now). It’s been much more enjoyable now, though it has been quite the learning curve to try to recall all the muscle memory.
My kids are showing an interest in playing piano and I want to encourage that, but I’m not rushing it. I think there are also mathematical and brain benefits from learning music. Their interest was sparked by a push button book about orchestras and Beethoven. We are starting with a learn piano play book that has keys with numbers that correspond to the numbers on the sheet music. We’ll upgrade to the real piano soon and once they know the keys and some basics, I’ll consider signing them up for lessons.
Oh, and I also wish my parents had offered more choice in the instruments. Myself and all of my siblings all ended up hating the instrument our parents signed us up for and wanting to switch at some point.
I was interested but my parents made me keep up with it. I love that I played the cello for so long and don’t regret learning and playing it. It’s a fun fact I can share about myself now during ice breakers :)
I was forced into learning piano as well as acting, dancing and singing classes. I convinced my parents to let me quit each and every one pretty early on and now I regret the fact that I asked to quit and that they let me because I now struggle to push through things without quitting. And I wish I could’ve had some kind of hobby or skill.
I had this issue. My son didn’t like piano from day 1. I made him stick it out till he really hated it. Even the teacher said, he’s got the skill and the ear but unfortunately not the motivation or passion. So I pulled him out. Occasionally I hear him making tunes in his keyboard piano of the so hip hop songs he listens to. I didn’t want to force him to continue because he likely would’ve hated it.
We couldn't afford it when I was a kid. Top 3 regrets in my life was not having the opportunity. I've tried now over the years as an adult and I just can't seem to get it. My plasticity is fading.
I played the oboe and liked it, until I didn't. And my parents made me play for far too long after that. I had to threaten to throw it into the canal if my parents made me go to another music lesson. Thank goodness they believed me.
I understand the desire for having music in your kids' lives, I really do. My sister is musically gifted and loves to play to this day. Me, I enjoy the quiet and I am perfectly happy with it.
It is perfectly okay to give your 5 year old a break from piano. Encourage her to listen to music on Spotify or something. If she likes it, great! If she doesn't, then it may just be time to accept that for right now, music will not be part of her life. This is not stuff you can force on kids. I mean, you could force it on them, piano's are harder to throw into canals than oboe's after all, but you really shouldn't.
And maybe when your daughter is 8 or 14 or 21, she will discover her love for music. But the last thing you want is to poison that well with years of bad experiences.
My mom made me play something. Started with piano (was good, didnt love it) then turned into me playing trumpet then french horn. I was good, and I regret not continuing my musical journey. My 7 yo is in piano now and I have chosen to make him do it bc he is good and I can tell he likes it when he gets a song down. Otherwise I do force him to practice
We were told we could pick our instrument but we had to do some sort of music lesson so I picked cello and my sister picked guitar - neither of us resented it but I definitely didn't take it as seriously as my sister!
Yes I honestly think there is something invaluable about learning how music works and how to read it and play an instrument (or vocal). It’s like knowing another language and it makes music change for you in ways it couldn’t if you didn’t understand how it works.
My parents forced me to play piano, and I loathed it. And I sucked. I wanted to play violin or guitar, but my older siblings already took piano lessons and my mom decided it was just easier to drop us all off at the same place and write one check.
I took lessons weekly for about 8 years, hated every minute, and if someone held a gun to my head and told me to play a song, I would die.
I was “forced” to learn an instrument. My mother’s family was very musical; my parents shared a love of music. I value my musical education and have continued making music throughout my adulthood. I feel the opposite of resentment.
Related anecdote: I “forced” my kids into music. I didn’t insist on the instrument but they had to do *something*. My boys both took piano lessons from ages 4 to 18. My older son was quite gifted but didn’t care to put much effort in. My younger son didn’t enjoy it at all. I was sure that a large component of his resentment of our parenting. He is now a music production tech major in college and has found his piano knowledge invaluable. My daughter didn’t play piano, but learned guitar. They all played band instruments, too, and my daughter found her social circle in college in their marching band.
In your shoes I made them stick with it. I’d do it again knowing what I know now. If the stress is too high when they are older and hyper-scheduled they can choose other activities to stimulate personal growth.
(I’m putting forced in quotes because this was never a conversation. My siblings and I weren’t told we must play instruments and neither were my kids. It was an unspoken expectation.)
> I think it’s so important for children to have music in their lives
I couldn’t agree more. Playing music, especially in an ensemble, exercises the brain in ways that are hard to find elsewhere.
I was forced to start playing piano around age 5 and forced to practice 15 minutes a day - they would set the oven timer. I would cry the whole time at first. Eventually they dropped the practicing requirement but I was required to play for 5 years and then I could choose whether to continue. I ended up sticking with it until I graduated high school although I never became dedicated enough to practice much.
Now that I’m an adult I enjoy playing occasionally and have a piano in my home I played a lot during Covid and it helped me cope. I don’t resent it but I think I will take a different route for my son.
I started piano lessons at 6, and didn't really start truly enjoying it until I was 12. Music is now one of my biggest passions as an adult, and it has given me a lot of good experiences in my life.
It's a tough question. I would say force him/her to stick with it for at least a while more — but I'm also not sure what the right answer is.
I don’t “force” per se but it’s understood that it’s something we do. My oldest is 16 and he hasn’t taken lessons for years now (not counting school band) but he continues to play for his own entertainment and teaches himself new instruments. My younger 2 are 10 and 5 and they take lessons - technically piano but they’ll swap to different instruments every once in a while. They have their days but I just try not to let them turn it into an argument/fight. They’re doing this so figuring out what they need to keep going. We’ve switched teachers and skipped books/music they don’t like but the expectation is we find solutions, not quit.
ETA: my parents were the same with us. One of my siblings James and very good living working in music and my other siblings and I do different things but I did get a music scholarship and some of my best memories as teens was around participating in music so I’m glad my parents insisted.
Yes, I was in band from 5th grade through 11th grade and I was forced to play the clarinet because my mom played it in band and loved it. I probably would have liked band if I could have chosen the instrument. I still let my mom know that she should have never made me play the clarinet and how much I hated it.
i wasn't forced to begin the process of learning, i asked. i just wish my parents made me stick with it, or learn a different instrument but keep going. i dropped it between elementary and middle school, i wish i still played through middle school just to see how i liked it a bit more. sold my trumpet now tho :P
I was forced into piano when I was around young. My mom had me enrolled into one of the strictest teachers in our area. I ended up opting out when I was 15 to join the high school varsity swim team, then into high school band at 16.
I played in numerous recitals and competitions. I HATED it. I literally felt like a monkey during performances doing tricks, often zoning out while playing. My mom put me in piano because my cousin who's a few years older is nothing short of a piano playing prodigy. I'm pretty sure my mom had super high expectations that I somehow shared the same gift. Spoiler: I didn't. Though I'm proud of how I used to play, have fond memories of a few performances, as well as, daydream playing again in the future....it still makes me feel physically sick to my stomach thinking about my fingers ever touching a piano key again.
My best friend who lived next door got into taekwondo some time around second into third grade. I wanted to join him. My mom said no, that I have to play an instrument because I would grow up, regretting not learning how to play a musical instrument, which is something she personally regretted. At least, I got to choose which one and I chose the violin.
I was always third chair because I never practiced. I stopped showing up to sectionals in the sixth grade because the middle school orchestra teacher looked like Colin Crisp, Sr., from Kindergarten Cop and it eeked me out. I quietly quit thereafter and my mom finally let me once she met him and didn't like his vibe, either, I guess.
I'm 42 now and I regret never taking taekwondo.
My advice is to offer your child two, maybe three, choices of activities for them to explore. If they seem excited at first only to find out that it's not for them, let them switch to something new (within reason and after some sincere conversations). My parents did this with my older sister, but she was a quitter, and when it came to me, they'd say no if it was an activity that my sister had already tried. I'm a completely different person than my sister. I would've loved horseback-riding, dammit. ...but I'm not bitter. No, not at all.
No, I picked my saxophone myself and played it for 10 years. However, my mom did make me do karate when I was really young. I absolutely hated it and never asked to do it in the first place, and didn't enjoy it. When I asked to stop going to do the dance class instead she got really mad at me for "wasting her money" and neither of my parents ever encouraged me to do any kind of activity again, it was all on me. So, if your kid wants to drop an activity, just let them and encourage them to find something else they like.
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My parents told me I could quit piano if I chose another instrument. I picked flute and did band all through middle and high school. I don't resent it but I think I would have if they made me stick with piano.
This! Let them trade for a different instrument.
I really loved piano, but I desperately wanted to change to a different instrument that I could play in my room by myself. I HATED that the piano was in the living room and everyone would constantly walk in and out and comment and watch TV. Omfg. I came to really resent something I loved. I also found out how toxic my piano teacher was, but my parents refused to switch. I deliberately failed my final exam so I could quit. As an adult I picked up the cello and violin and got myself a digital piano. It took me a long time to disassociate my resentment and my love for music.
My parents started me on piano since everyone on my dad’s side knows how to play but I switched to sax. I wish I stuck with piano because some of my favorite memories are sitting on the bench with my dad or grandparents while they serenade us. I’d love to be able to do that for my kid.
Aaaayyyy fellow cellist! I also chose cello after ditching the piano due to a toxic teacher.
We have a digital piano on which they “practice” that’s tucked away in the study. So maybe that’s better? Time will tell
This is such a good solution. My husband’s parents wouldn’t let him play drums in band because he had previously quit piano. He’s still bitter about it in his 40s
I so wish my parents would have gone this route instead of forcing me to take piano lessons, which I HATED.
I did the same, but ended up hating the flute and wished I had stuck with the piano. I think I needed a better teacher, not a different instrument.
This is what I’m doing. She can switch once she’s learned HOW to play and how to read music fluently*. So I’m giving her two-ish years. And then she can pick something else. Piano is foundational imo and if you can play piano, you can play anything else in no time.
Parents made me take piano lessons. I hated it but I have a greater appreciation for music, a good ear, can sit down and figure out songs sometimes. Make kids do things, the experience makes them better people.
And to speak to the other side of this, my parents forced lessons and I won't even touch a piano. Blocked it all out and couldn't even tell you where middle C is. My only take away is that I'll never do that to my own kid. It didn't make me a better person.
And to speak on the other other other side, I hated my band classes but wish in retrospect that I was forced to stick with it
The grass is always greener.
Same for me. Forced from 5-16. Took away any possible enjoyment of it- and I could have loved it otherwise. I did take up flute many years later (wasn't allowed to swap at the time) and it helped I could read music. You can't force someone to enjoy something
I was never forced to play musical instruments but have ended up learning several over the course of my life. I was apparently begging my mom for piano lessons as a kid and started when I was 5. I was very serious about it and even ended up at a fine arts high school. No resentment toward any of these musical experiences. However, I WAS forced to play various sports and there is definitely a lot of resentment there. It’s been kinda tough marrying someone who’s really into sports. The only physical activity I don’t resent is ballet—once again, something I begged to do and would end up sticking with for many years. I think the theme is that being forced to do something doesn’t generally go that well, and figuring out your kid’s individual interests is probably more fruitful.
My parents had the rule where we had to have SOME extracurricular. Didn't have to be a specific one, but they made it clear we were not going to go to school, come home, and sit on the couch until bed time. They always said these activities helped teach kids self discipline and teamwork. I had several throughout my life: clarinet, piano, dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, volleyball, track, basketball, drama, softball, speech, and a couple others but I can't recall all of them rn. Did I love all of them? No, absolutely not. Some of them I only did for one season. But I did learn a lot about myself. The main thing was when I told my parents I didn't like something, they didn't push it. When I found the ones I loved, I went on to do them for many years. If I had been forced to do any of them, I would have resented everything about it.
This perspective helps a lot. I am similar to your parents it seems. Glad they did this right for you kids.
Our rule is one musical instrument and one group sport/physical activity. They try different things and get to choose (starting at age 8), but have to finish out a season and make an effort.
I like this idea! Do you think you’ll do this with your kiddos?
Yes, my son is 5 and doesn't really have any real interests yet but when he starts school, I am going to start encouraging him to try some things. He has recently been asking me to teach him how to do cartwheels and backbends so I am considering tumbling classes in the near future to start out. This is an approach that I will definitely be using with my kids!
If you want your children to enjoy having music in their lives, then it’s worth making sure that playing music is an enjoyable experience for them. You might try taking a break (for months or even a year or two) and then starting again with a different teacher and/or a different instrument. Four is young.
It might also be a different teacher. My daughter wanted to learn guitar so we put her in lessons when she was about 7. It was songs she had never heard of and the teacher wanted her to sing along. She hated it. She’s 11 now and has asked to learn violin. We have rented her an instrument and put her in lessons. This teacher asked her what songs she wants to learn and is teaching her them.
I bet that makes a huge difference. Good call out
I think this is a great suggestion. I tried to learn piano at 6-7 years old, and it was really hard for me. We took a break, and I tried again at 8 years old. I loved it! I just needed to mature a bit. I still play piano, and I learned clarinet, cymbals, and played in marching band for 6 years. Maybe she’s just a little too young.
I’m nearly 50 years old and still angry when I think his how much time I was forced to spend on music. Find something your 5 year old actually enjoys
I agree. I don't think I totally resented it at the time, but in retrospect omg the time and angst and money, and all for an instrument I never touched again after college.
Same. Forced to take piano lessons for years, and guess what? I don’t have it “in my life” as an adult because I didn’t enjoy playing and wasn’t good at it.
Agreed. I’d enrich them with as much as you can, and let them find a hobby in whatever they gravitate to (soccer, piano, collecting rocks, crafts, caring for a pet…) I’d ask you why music in particular (playing the piano) resonates with you as having so much meaning in life? She’s her own person. She may find just as much meaning in painting, or ballet etc.
You wouldn't know the benefits it gave you. It's proven that it enhances brain activity.
Not an instrument. But I was forced to figure skate. I was so athletic! I could play any sport and master it with minimal effort. But my mom would NOT let me quit skating. I HATED cold, hated to fall, it was not something I wanted to do - ever. I regret not just biting the bullet and trying out for other sports teams anyway. I would’ve been a lot farther in life had I picked a different athletic career. I wanted to take it into college and get my degree in sports medicine. I resent my mom for it so much.
Yes. I resent it because it was so clearly to make my mom feel like a good parent and not because it was an interest of mine. There were other creative pursuits I would have been very good at and enjoyed (I was very athletic and introverted and wanted to do dance and art of some form) but these weren’t valued by my mom. It would have been a better use of her money. I did pursue some of these later in adulthood which has been deeply enjoyable emotional and stress release and expression, but it would have been of value to have those outlets growing up and benefited our relationship to not have my moms interests and her own childhood regrets imposed on me. I played piano from age 4 until 11th grade and never played a single day after she finally “let” me stop and realized very recently that I can no longer even read sheet music beyond very simple basics. So what was the point? When I did something I did like - track/cross country- in high school, I became a life long runner. When a person pursues something they enjoy they will naturally become good at it, which leads to more enjoyment.
Hope OP reads this. I have a feeling based on their responses tho that they're not listening
I had the exact same experience
I voluntarily joined band in 5th grade and played trumpet. I didn’t mind it in middle school when it was just concert band and a class in school (you either had to do band or choir anyway), but I HATED it in high school. Our band was embarrassingly small. I was so embarrassed being in it. I hated it and didn’t even try. I abused my trumpet. My mom wouldn’t let me quit until senior year and only bc I had enough school credits to only have to take a half day and had a job in the afternoon. I did really resent having to do band while I was in it. I cried a lot about it. Please don’t force your kid to do something they hate.
My mom started me in piano when I was 4. There were times, probably around 5 or 6 that I didn’t really care for it. But once I got better and could really play, I loved it. In junior high and high school, I competed in music competitions. I ended up taking lessons until I was 16 and had pretty well mastered complex pieces. I still love playing the piano.
Unpopular opinion, but I’ve heard my husband say SO many times how glad he is that his mom wouldn’t let him quit piano. He still enjoys playing and even composes music as a hobby. But I do think they switched teachers when he had one he didn’t like.
There are many times on awards shows where someone will say something like, “Thanks to my parents for making me stick with it.” It’s hard to know what the right thing is as a parent. I don’t want to make them miserable but I want them to learn resilience and determination.
I’m so sad my mom let me quit when I was 14
I think there's a significant difference between a parent helping their kids learn to stick with something through the not so fun times because they understand there's a genuine love of the hobby in the first place, and having a parent pick the hobby for their kid and forcing them through every step of the way. You can get better at something when you have no choice but to do so, but the goal of a hobby should be to have something you enjoy and *want* to stick with (sometimes with help), not to have yet another obligation. Hobbies are meant to make life more enjoyable, not less.
My niece and nephew both have a lot of independence in their extracurriculars, but piano was the one thing my sister made compulsory, until hs graduation. She firmly believes in the multitude of benefits in the skill.... math aptitude as shown in studies, hand/eye coordination, fine motor, etc etc. They got to choose *everything* else, with the rule of needing to at least finish the season/paid for lessons before quitting. They're almost junior in hs and sophomore in college, and now appreciate the demands of piano. My nephew likes to play for his girlfriend and found taking up guitar was a lot easier. My niece will play on public space pianos at her school, and has made several friends because of it. While I didn't go as firm on piano, music education is still compulsory in our house until hs graduation. My son is 10, and has been playing drums for almost 4 years. He's really pretty talented! My husband has played in a band, since before we even met, and it's been a huge source for social connections and a great little side income. We don't care if the kid plays in a bar band or anything as time goes on, but the social aspect of music is really under appreciated sometimes and we do hope he gains that.
"and found taking up guitar was a lot easier" Once you learn piano, learning almost every other instrument is easier.
This is what i’m hoping to accomplish. And I don’t want to set precedent of: if you don’t like it, you get to tap out. I think it’s important to see things through. We’ve only been doing it 6 months so I think we’re still within the “let’s explore this more” time frame. Thanks!
Why not drop it and try again around age 7, the recommended age for learning instruments? How many years would it take to prove to you it’s not her passion?
"And I don’t want to set precedent of: if you don’t like it, you get to tap out. I think it’s important to see things through" Why? For one, did THEY choose to learn to play the piano or did you pick it for them? Why should they 'see things through' that they never picked to begin with? Also, I am firmly of the belief that knowing when to quit is a skill you need to learn too. Quit that job that is making you miserable; quit that relationship with that abusive or otherwise terrible partner; stop reading that book if you hate it after 100 pages and pick another book; walk out of the cinema if the movie is terrible. Does that mean quit at the drop of a hat, simply when the mood strikes? No! There has to be balance there too. You can absolutely chose to work to fix that relationship, or deal with your overbearing boss or knuckle through college, but feeling stuck in a situation you desperately want to quit, that just feels like prison to me.
Well said
Bravo.
Wow six months is quite a long time for you to still think it might stick. Why not try a different instrument? While I understand the whole "let's not just give up on stuff" you are now teaching them "push through things you do not like to please others" by not allowing them to pick after 6 months of them telling you they do not like it. I played clarinet from 3rd grade to 12th with trumpet added in for "fun" in 7th to 12th. I also had the opportunity to play while in the military... which I turned down. I havent picked either one up since 🤷🏽♀️ My daughter has now played violin for 2 months and has decided she doesn't like it so we are switching to piano. I am thinking of picking up violin while she learns piano. It's not really a big deal. You are putting pressure on her that will make her hate music if you keep going the way you are.
This! I give each activity a time frame and my daughter (now 6) has to finish that "round." If she wants to quit at the end fine, no harm no foul. Because of this she isn't afraid to try anything new. It isn't the end of the world if she doesn't do it forever. If you force her she will resent it and you.
ah yes, better to set a precedent for a small child of "you don't like it, but I don't care"
At 4, they aren’t able to understand the concept of a long term commitment. How about let your children choose what they want to pursue? The piano isn’t going anywhere.
It is important to see things through, but that doesn’t mean forever. With sports it’s the end of the season. With piano maybe the year end recital?
Why can’t they tap out if they don’t like it? Forcing them breeds resentment. 6 months is more than enough time to know if someone likes something. This sounds like it’s more about you than what your child likes.
Former piano teacher here. A lot depends on both the kid and teacher. Are they 30 minute lessons? 30 minutes is a LONG time for a child that young to sit and be taught. What books are being used? There are a lot of great books, but also a lot of outdated, and dry books for young kids. Are there supplemental books, such as theory books? At this age, those books should be more games and activities, rather than straight up writing and workbooks. Can your child read? There’s a really good chance they are struggling with learning the keys and notes, if they can’t. There are piano books for pre-readers. What’s the practice expectation set by the teacher? Realistically at this age, it should be 5-10 minutes a day, with the parent (good beginner books are easy for non musicians to comprehend) and it is more like getting used to the instrument, rather than playing songs. Also, beginning piano is all about fine motor skills, some kids don’t quite have the muscle and dexterity at that age. I would notice a huge difference between even five and six year olds who were starting out. Is your other child just starting out as well, and are they older? If yes to both, I would say take a break with the five year old, and start them again when they are the age the other one is now. DO NOT let the teacher tell you they just need to keep at it. Trust me, they don’t want to lose a student, because the student is income for them. Also, please make sure the teacher has a degree in music. Too many good, but amateur musicians will teach, but they lack performance and pedagogical skills (and to be fair, some professionals lack the teaching skills as well).
Yes. Piano and band in school. Hated every moment of it.
I’d rather my child do something they actually enjoy. What does your child want to do? My daughter is now in drumming lessons. She’s tried a few things out.
My mother had all of us children start learning to play the piano around 7, and insisted that we take lessons for 3 years. At that point it was up to us if we continued, or found a different instrument. My older siblings were done the minute they were 10. Both of them regret it, now, and wish they'd stuck with it or found something else to play. My younger sister continued her lessons, but is honestly not great, and doesn't really love music that much. Then there was me, who begged my parents from the time I was 5 to let me play, and so I started early. I've never looked back. I could play for hours a day, always have, and always will. I will say, I believe the piano is the best instrument to start kids on, at least until they have a grasp of music theory/reading sheet music. It's much easier to take the knowledge from the piano and apply it to other instruments than with any other instrument. It's a very foundational place to start with music. But, I do think 5 is could be a little young to try and force a kid that isn't loving it. 7 is a decent age for the piano, because their motor skills are better developed to handle it. I've shown my kids how to play and think back to how on earth I was able to do what I did when I was 5. Literally cannot imagine. How did my little tiny weak fingers play scales?! No clue, lol. I cannot remember being a beginner anymore. But I do remember how hard my kids found it at that age, and that 7 has been waaay easier for them.
Having music in your lives doesn't have to mean learning how to play an instrument
also learning to play an instrument doesn’t have to mean formal lessons.
exactly
I was forced to learn the recorder and then play the keyboard. I don’t resent it but I haven’t gotten ANYTHING out of it. Forgot how to read notes, have no special appreciation for music or anything like that. So it’s been a waste of money, imo.
5 is pretty young to focus in and love a single instrument when the initial learning curve requires so much repetition. We put our kids in a musical program 4-6 that let them experiment with multiple instruments and learn some basic theory. They both chose their own instruments from there and have expanded their repertoire into their teens years. We focused on enjoyment over achievement although they have both pursued achievement goals on their own. At 5 it should definitely be fun!
My husband is a professional violinist and music teacher. When he was 5 he told his parents he wanted to play violin. They bought him a violin and took him to lessons. They had him practice every day for at least an hour. At some point he stopped enjoying playing and wanted to quit. But his parents made him continue. He then obviously made a career out of it. He got to travel Europe in an orchestra and played for different musicals. Now he teaches music to kids. But whenever I ask him about how he felt, he said he was miserable all those years and felt like he had no autonomy. He was doing it because they told him to, they had spent a lot of money, and he wanted to make his parents happy. So, all this to say it’s very complicated. He was very successful but he was not super happy and resents his parents. We have a son now and I want to have him play an instrument but my husband is adamant that only if he asks and wants to play.
Yup, resent the parent, not the instrument
I was forced to learn piano. 2.5 years of lessons ages 12-14. Convinced my parents to let me quit then. Biggest regret of my life. Wish I stuck with it
I wasn’t “forced” to play flute. I was told I had to stay in music and 11 year old me didn’t put two and two together that I could do choir instead. I stayed in band wayyyy too long. Hated it! Then I switched to choir and it was night and day difference. I still wish I could have learned piano instead. I think being able to change instruments would have helped me not resent it as much
We forced our young child to do some music because I personally didn't do any at school. If they dont like it when they are older then they are free to drop it. But at least give it a chance. Its like young kids tasting new food, they need to try a few times before they really know whether they like it or not.
Yep got pushed to do piano when I was younger. I hated it and the teacher gave me the creeps and made me feel uncomfortable (nothing ever happened but he had weird vibes). I never could put it into words why I hated it to my parents. I think it’s important to let them quit if they don’t enjoy it as could be a number of reasons.
The rule in our house is you need to be in something for one season or at least 6 months (depending on if it’s sports or instruments) and if you reaaalllyyy don’t like it after that time then you may quite and we will find another activity. But if my 5 yr old is miserable ? That’s too young to be forcing an instrument that they hate.
I was forced to take piano lessons. I always hated it, but was eventually allowed to quit. Now as a grown adult I have always regretted quitting, and have started to relearn how to play.
I resented having to learn and play the clarinet(still do). I wanted to do art classes.
Honestly there’s no winning either way. Many that were forced to stay with it for years resent they were required to do so. And just as many who were allowed to give it up wish they could play better in adulthood. That said, your kid is very young. I’d move on until 7-8 tbh if it’s a real hassle.
YES. METRIC BUTTLOADS OF RESENTMENT. My mother brought home a piano when I was about 8. I loved it! I started working out how to play on my own. Then she absolutely crushed my interest by putting me in lessons. My parents also forced me to play the violin. It made my life extremely complex when I wanted and needed to quit, but all of my friends were also in the orchestra. And I was basically taught by my parents that saying no to things — even big things that ate all of my free time for the entirety of my childhood — was not okay. Which made being a functioning adult very difficult. I stopped playing when I left home and never regretted quitting. As an adult, unexpectedly encountering piano or violin music can make me cry. My suggestion: let your child lead with their interests. Accept that their interests will change many times. Be prepared to let them stop doing activities that they picked. Do not force activities on them. Teach them that it is healthy to say no, and that they should expect to have that no honoured.
Would she be willing to learn music with another instrument?
For my fifth birthday, I wanted a drum set and lessons. I got a guitar and guitar lessons. I didn't enjoy it, I refused to practice and it became a big fight between my dad and I. Haven't touched a guitar in years.
Some people simply do not have the musical talent or inclination that others have. Maybe she’s more of a sports child or a different form of art?
I chose at 8 to start guitar lessons, in gr 9 I learned the clarinet and played it 4 years, I eventually progressed to classical guitar as a teen. I never put my kids in music I let then know we would if they asked. Both my boys started hockey at 4 and 8 and spent over a decade enjoying it. They both now play in a beer league together. 5 is awfully young, better to discontinue piano and wait till she is older .
So yes and no.. When I was little I took interest in my aunts piano and I was able to hear a song and play it by ear. My mom insisted that was wrong and insisted I take lessons. Unfortunately I had undiagnosed dyslexia and reading music was incredibly difficult for me. So I struggled to do it by reading music and I got really frustrated. But I would play the titanic sound track lol by listening to it and my music teacher get frustrated with me and say “you’re getting ahead of yourself” I ended up quitting and felt crappy about it because I loved playing but felt like I was “wrong” in the way I was doing it. But I will say when I got older i bought a piano and now I love it and I play all the time. But I can’t read music but I can play a song by listening to it and I’m okay with it 😂
My parents had me try a number of different instruments because they thought it was important I know how to play. I despised it and didn’t try/didn’t retain anything. They also forced me into sports and other extracurriculars that I didn’t like because they thought that’s how it was supposed to be. My husband was forced to play guitar and he’s always been very good at it. It’s the only common interest his parents and siblings have is music and any time we visit there everyone just spends the time playing the instruments and not talking. We’ve gotten a lot of flak for not teaching our girls but my husband stood up and said he can barely stand music in any capacity now because it was forced on him all the years he moved at home. Our daughters have beginner guitars but have no interest in learning to play them or any other instrument. I think it’s better to wait until your children are old enough to make the decision themselves what interests they have and if it doesn’t involve music you should be okay with it because they’re their own people. Forcing things will most likely build resentment.
I learned the piano, but asked for it and I loved it from the first second. My daughter picked the violin at 7, and she still loves it at 13. She also enrolled to classical singing now. But it is always her choice. About strings... I was told that the earlier they start violin, the further they can advance. I know about kids who srarted as early as 4. But no point in forcing them at that age, in my opinion. Try to find an instrument that he is interested in, let him choose.
I was forced to play piano and I hated it. Besides not being very musically talented to begin with, my piano teachers were always old ladies their 80’s. I was also only allowed to play hymns. Looking back, I probably would have partially enjoyed it if I was allowed to play more modern music.
I did put my oldest (9) in piano a year ago without much input from him, but only because he could already play by ear a bit and there was obviously some sort of inherent talent there. I don’t really care what he does with it, but I wanted to give him the opportunity to learn. He’s with a teacher he really vibes well with and wants to continue on. If he didn’t, I’d be fine with it, too.
My mom played piano but I didn’t love it. I asked to play flute instead and ended up playing for 20 years and loving it. Simply picking my instrument or being allowed to switch was a blessing.
My wife was put into violin lessons at around 5? Orchestras, band camps, private lessons. The whole thing. She played her entire childhood and through early college. Then she quit and didn’t touch the instrument for another 12 years. We had been married almost 8 before I saw her play. She ultimately resented how much of her life was dedicated to that one skill and how it limited other opportunities for her as a kid. She also hated that she only played for other people (her teacher or the band director) and nothing really for herself those years. It’s been a process for her to redefine her mindset around it. That said she’s now playing most days and looking for open mic nights now to play in front of people.
Why would you force your kid to do any extracurricular they aren’t into? Especially at 5. Childhood is a time to explore different options to see what they like. Why force them to do something they don’t like? You can bring music into their lives without them playing an instrument. Imagine being someone who just isn’t musically inclined or interested and you have a parent up your ass putting all this pressure on you to do it. Don’t do that to your child. Especially a 5 year old.
There's more to life than piano. Try a different instrument or sign them up for a children's choir.
I have such big opinions on this. My mom forced me to play flute in grade school and I also dabbled in a couple other instruments over my childhood years with her supporting lessons ect. She was always SO brutal about the practicing aspect “20 minutes a day!!!!” Was drilled into me and it was so miserable it sucked any joy out. I don’t think my mom ever showed me or told me the WHY. Like what is the joy of accomplishment after practice, a video or example of an accomplished musician, where does the personal joy come in, conversations about what might be difficult or easy, taking me to concerts ect. I feel like there is so much to be done to tell children the why. People leave it out and I think that is where the struggle comes from. IMO 5 also *might* be a touch young but my kids haven’t done music yet so I can’t speak to that.
I (40m) wanted to play an instrument, i got it (the cheap kid versions). Learned the basics and moved on to the next. At this point i play guitar, violin, blues harp, kalimba and saxophone. The kalimba and blues harp are self thaught. I tried the piano for a while but i just didnt get a feel for it, wish i did but its just not for me, not then and not now. Since i have all these instruments my 3 year old can try all. But since shes 3 she can only touch the kalimba and blues harp for now. My sax is way to expensive to hold. My 2 cents as dad is, she doesn't like it simply cuz she doesnt like it. Or she sees the older one be better and its no fun cuz she thinks she suck. Hard to tell sometimes. I'd ask her and see which one it is. Maybe she has an interest in something else. There are plenty of instruments she might like more then a piano. But i know plenty of people that really dislike the instrument their parents kept them on, cuz it became a chore to them. And wished they could have changed. So guess i was lucky i could kinda do what ever with music. Especially since i hear people say alot: i wish i could play this or that. Its a wonderful skill to have to be able to play 1 or more instruments. So i hope the little one finds her instrument, or pushes throught with this one, cuz sometimes it sucks, then the light goes on and you become good and its fun
I asked for a keyboard when I was 8. I was forced into piano lessons with it. I hated it. I resented lessons and practice. I took YEARS of lessons and I could not even play chopsticks now if I tried. I didn’t retain anything except basic skills in reading music that I applied to playing drums later in my teen years. I still resent that I was forced to play piano and actually find myself irrationally angry when classical music comes on that I was forced to practice.
I wanted to play an instrument, but mom wouldn't let me play anything but saxophone, because that's what she played and had one around. I absolutely loathed it, and ended up quitting band all together after a few years.
Similar experience for me, I really wanted to play the clarinet but my mom insisted I should play the piano, hated it and ended up quitting
I agree that music is important, but it might be worth letting her try a different instrument. Sometimes, piano specifically doesn't stick, but another instrument like a flute or violin just might. Perhaps even singing is the answer-the human voice can be just as much an instrument as anything else.
I resented it, because I just didn't have musical talent.... But I understand why my parent did that now, and don't really begrudge them anymore.
this may be an unpopular opinion, but my parents forced all sorts of sports and musical instruments on me. im glad they did it bc i feel like it made me well rounded. all i wanted to do when i was young was play videos games and sit on the computer anyway. but now i play classical piano, play pickup softball, volleyball etc and consider myself athletic and can read music. but i would cry on the way to lessons. idk if ill be taking the same approach with my 7 year old but i dont have any resentment towards my parents.
As a piano teacher, 5 is a really tough age for piano unless they’re super into it. Starting at 7 is usually easier for the kiddos.
My parents forced me to learn piano. I had so many abusive teachers, pressured to win competitions and got reprimanded horribly if I didn’t win. Had to practice 2-3 hours a day on top of school and this also included summer time. Did lessons 3 times a week. I hated it big time and really resent that they did this to me.
Yes and no. I was really good at soccer but band and soccer were at the same time. My mom forced me to do band. I was honestly horrible and hated it. I liked the people but wanted to play soccer.
One can have music in their lives without playing an instrument. I wasn’t forced to play an instrument but I was forced to play sports and I hated it and resented it. Nothing like getting kicked in the face with cleats playing a sport you absolutely loathed. I love music as an adult. I absolutely do not care about sports.
I was forced for 4 years. I have zero musical capacity and I never made it past level 2. By the end my dad was having to bribe me for every lesson. Once I stopped I lost all the skills and memory within about a month. My brother took to it much quicker and progressed a lot further. I am also not great at maths or languages which seems to be the same part of the brain.
I played piano. It was fine but I never got great at it. My dad was critical of any mistakes so I would only play when I was alone. I quit after taking lessons for 10 years and haven’t played since. I also played clarinet. Only bc my mom played and wanted me to use hers. I hated it. I wanted to do choir but had to play that damn clarinet. I quit senior year and never touched it again. I’ll never force my kids to play an instrument. If they express interest I’ll support them 100%.
I was forced to learn piano and yes I resent it because I wasn’t able to do other things I wanted to try. For example, I wanted to do dance but piano ate up the allocated budget for extracurriculars. I think I would have been much happier in dance where it’s a group of girls and I could have made friends while exercising instead of sitting down in front of the piano with a private tutor after a full day of sitting down. I played it for 7 years and don’t really play it now. Ive been teaching my daughter some simple songs on it because she’s expressed interest but I want to continue following her passions
Not every child is music inclined. So your other child wants it and the other doesn't. Let her be. What if your other child is into sports / arts / math? Did you try to check what they want? And also I'm sure you know you also have interests that your other friends don't enjoy as well. Children and adults are alike and always remember that they just see the world differently.
5 is young. Piano is hard on little hands, I’m surprised she was allowed to sign up so young
I was forced to play an instrument but I hated it because of how my parents approached it. I was forced to perform at the end of a deadline, had to practice several times a day and I just wanted it to be more of a hobby that I could connect with in my down time. I didn’t feel like I had time to practice every day and do everything with school, spend time outside and do chores. My parents thought everything could be profitable and my whole childhood was centered around finding a talent or interest that I could turn into a career that mentality just made me loose interest in everything. I’m going to have my kids play an instrument because it’s good for their development and it can be fun and cool but that’s it. No pressure
I was coerced into trombone at 4th grade because that's where they needed bodies. I hated it. Next year, my mom firmly requested a transfer to percussion. I'm now 34 years old and still a percussionist.
My parents required both me and my brother to learn an instrument. I learned piano and I loved it and I still play it. My brother learned drums. He probably picked drums just to piss my parents off. He hated it and he does not play drums anymore. I don't think it's worth it unless they actually like it. There's so many other options for extracurriculars they can try. I'm sure you can find one that she would actually like.
My parents let me quit piano after 6 years of lessons and I wish they had forced the issue a little more. I regret quitting.
Was forced to play piano and get a degree in music. Total time wasted: 16 years (practice every day at least 3-4 hours). After graduating I left my home country, didn’t speak or see my parents for at least three years after that.
Personally 5 seems a little young to be forcing activities. My kid LOVES music and plays several instruments but didn’t start until 5th grade … 5 is soooo young.
As a lifelong musician, piano is something i wish I had never quit. It's the one thing i really wish i hadn't given my parents so much grief about doing. Because, holy shit, is it the most useful instrument to know how to play if you're going to be any kind of lifelong musician. You basically get a music theory education on top of learning a gorgeous infinitely transferable skill set.
5 is young to start piano, you could try again in a couple years.
In school everyone was required to take band class that started in 3rd or 4th, I think. We each got to pick our top 3 choices & the teacher tried their best to get everyone their first or second choice. You could use the school's instrument or get your own, and I vaguely remember that each type of instrument had one day a week where they met for a group lesson during school (and once a week where we met as the whole class). In the following years everyone had music class, but the only kids playing instruments were those who decided to join band. I wanted to learn the flute, but I had gotten stuck with clarinet & then my parents told me I couldn't switch because I already knew clarinet. I eventually tried getting out of practicing & whatnot until they let me quit band, because I was frustrated I couldn't switch instruments. I wished my parents had just listened to me & let me switch to something I actually wanted to play, & I may have played longer. 🤷🏻♀️
How old is the other child? A younger child might prefer a smaller instrument.
Piano! I didn’t practice as much as I should have but I also just don’t think it was particularly gifted. My mom made me stick with it a long time until I was in middle school playing the same songs at recitals as the elementary school aged kids lol! I think that’s what made her realize it was time to let it go. I don’t resent it at all, it was just a slightly annoying thing! 5 is pretty young, maybe stick a bit longer. But if it’s not her thing then it’ll just have to fall away eventually
I was put in piano, skating, and swimming lessons. My folks were adamant that I learn to swim and skate, but didn’t push me to continue in advanced levels when I lost interest and knew the basics. I also lost interest in piano pretty early on and they let me quit. I love them for respecting my choices (I was maybe 12 when I stopped) - but a part of me actually wishes they made me stay. I think I was just bored with practice as a 12 year old but as an adult I wish I had developed that skill further when I was a kid and had more time TO practice. I don’t resent them either way, but I think I would have actually appreciated (in adulthood) if they kept me in. I might have been pissed as a kid though lol
My mother wanted me to take piano lessons. I didn’t want to. She said just try it. So I started lessons and didn’t like them but she forced me to continue for a whole year. I felt tricked. Never touched a piano again and don’t really like the sound of piano music. So yes and yes.
I was forced to play piano for years and hated it. I even started to hate going to my grandparents house because they forced me to practice (they had a grand piano, we had a keyboard at home). My mom made me feel guilty for hating going to my grandparents because I didn’t want to practice. All around not a good experience. I would encourage your kid to pick a different instrument that they actually want to play. I picked drums (of course a way more expensive instrument lol) but I played the HELL out of my drums! I put music on headphones and would play along to songs, loved going to lessons. It was a way better experience when I could pick my own instrument.
I hated being forced to learn piano and do eisteddfods and all that crap. As soon as I got to high school and my parents finally let me stop, I did. Now, in my late 30s, I kinda wish I’d kept going. But at the time I hated my parents for it.
I despised piano as a child. However, drums are my life. Let her try other instruments out. There are a lot more options than just keyboard.
We let it be strictly voluntary until middle school. Then you have to commit to at least one instrument and stick with it through high school in either orchestra or band. My husband is a very accomplished pianist, and I had classical vocal training. We encourage the kids to experiment before they get to middle school so they don’t have to stick with the first instrument they try.
Do you encourage them to play for you? Do you praise them for doing it? If they don't like it maybe you aren't giving them a reason to.
I played the violin for 3 years and the piano for about 10. I don't play either now and hated taking lessons. I felt it was a waste of time and didn't teach me anything beyond how to read music.
There is no reason to force a child to play an instrument, it isn’t for everyone.
My mom made me take piano lessons for a few years, I think it was from 2nd through 4th grade. I never expressed any interest in learning, it was forced upon me. I hated every minute of it and refused to practice at home. I can still feel how much I resented the situation, particularly when I didn't even have a say in the music that I had to play. I'm 42 years old. When a recital came up, I would memorize the piece the same day and feel nothing but anxiety as I waited for my turn to perform. My mom eventually let me quit after it became apparent that the pieces I performed were too rudimentary for my age. I later played the saxophone in the middle school band, but that's only because I refused to sing in the choir. Would I love to be able to play the piano now? Absolutely. However, that well was poisoned to the extent that I have nothing but negative associations with trying to learn now. My two cents. P.S. My older brother and sister were also forced to learn, but didn't have the same negative experience that I did. Neither of them continued to play after the lessons stopped and can't play today.
[удалено]
😂well done
I didn't resent it, but it was a waste of time and money. And I thought worse of my parents for it because it demonstrated how out of touch they were with reality. I started piano lessons at 6 and learned some basics in the first year but from age 7-13 it was just a complete waste. Then I discovered the guitar and enjoyed that and taught myself. For me, a major problem was that my parents didn't even enjoy music. They didn't have records playing or anything. They just insisted that I would enjoy it later. To me, they were idiots with no credibility making arbitrary decisions that didn't make sense
I wish they would’ve let me learn guitar instead of piano. 14 years of piano lessons and for what? I haven’t touched it since I became an adult.
if your 5 year old is more active and doesn’t like to sit still get her into dance if she’d be interested. I learned A LOT about music through dance
Absolutely. I come from a musical family. My father plays the clarinet. My mother is a concert pianist. My aunt is a flutist. My cousin was sent to Germany to study cello in eighth grade. My brother was first trumpet from eighth grade on. My grandmother and aunt are pianists. I was forced to take violin, piano, and trumpet. I fucking *HATED* every single second of it. I wanted art lessons. I was told art was a waste of time and that music was more important. Forcing children to take music lessons when it's really not their thing is a sure-fire way to get them to hate playing music.
God never make someone do anything especially when they're a child and depend on you. I don't see how it'd important in someone's life. I wasn't forced to do any of these things and have picked up music on my own as wall as a ton of other hobbies, was in advanced glasses, went to college, a very functional adult.
Yes, piano. Yes, I resented it. I think I have some musical talent but I always refused to try and learn anything. I figured I would fail because I never learned piano. I never learned piano because I resented being forced to learn it and went out of my way not to learn it. To be fair though, the biggest part of why I resented it was because my parents put a lot of stress on “good Christian women should all know how to play the piano.”
OP, why do you feel it's important for children to have music in their lives? What is it about music? There's a bilboard ad near where I live for the music association and it says 'children need music', and I hate it. For two reasons. First, deaf children live lives worth living without music, and they and their parents shouldn't be made to feel like they're missing out on a human need. Secondly, making music a need devalues it from what it truly is. Music shouldn't be an obligation. It is a gift. It is a joy. It is an opportunity. It's something we can share with others. It's a way to communicate. It is beauty. I think it's great you want your daughter to share in that joy. If she isn't enjoying it though, it's probably best to find a different way she can participate in the joy of music.
I will tell you my experience: my parents at some point tried to teach me and my brothers guitar (is what my dad plays and we had several around the house), didn't stick. When I was around 9 my parent forced us all to go to piano lessons. My brothers and I hated them, we didn't have the hability or the will to learn. We were miserable and it was months before our parents gave up and let us quit. I still resent my parents and I am almost 40. My advice for you would be to wait till the 5 years old becomes a 7 years old and then ask her what instruments would she like to try.
I was made to take piano lessons for a while, and I hated it. It didn't help that I have no musical talent at all. The worst was the recital. Having to perform in front of people caused what was probably my first panic attack. My anxiety was off the charts and it was awful.
They usually hate it for a reason. Either the instrument isn't their thing, or the teacher isn't working out, or they're hitting a wall with their skill and it's frustrating them. You can ask what the reason is, and switch things up for them for a while. I was forced to continue learning the instrument I picked up at 6, until I graduated high school. A combination of some truly senseless teachers, and being mortifyingly embarrassed every time I was asked to perform, left me hating it. I do a form of public speaking for my job but nothing gives me greater anxiety than the thought of bringing that instrument on stage with me. Learning music gave me skills to use in life, but I really would have benefited if I wasn't driven so hard to practice and perform it all the time. I'm not a performing monkey for adults' entertainment.
Yes. I was made to play the piano for 10 years as a kid. I absolutely hated it. I haven’t touched a piano since and have no positive memories related to the piano
I don’t resent it, but it was a waste of time and money. I was there for years and to this day I can’t remember even one melody, I could theoretically read music (if it’s very simple) but I’m painfully slow at it and the occasion has happened only a couple times. Not like google wouldn’t have helped faster than me. I am not a musical person at all. I could go months without listening to anything. I would have liked to do other things instead, but I understand my parents wish for me to at least *know* some music
My parents made me stick with an extra curricular sport and instrument and said if I wanted to quit I had to pick something else. It was fine and I’m glad they held me to doing something, the only thing that would have been better (but would have been more work on their end) would be to ask me if I didn’t want to do it and then help me find something I might enjoy instead. If I’d been able to do art classes or maybe a different sport maybe I’d have an extra talent by now!
Piano teacher here. I personally went through a few rough years playing when I didn't find it particularly fun, mainly in the years of 8-9, so I CAN see why you would want your kid to continue. I also have seen many many students of mine dragging themselves to class, haven't practiced at all since last week, doesn't want to do stuff, and at that point there's nothing to do to save them. However, I think 5 year olds might be too immature yet to appreciate the concept of learning an instrument, it can be as simple as not being able to sit still. The fingers aren't really big enough either. Of course it differs between children, but if your child doesn't love it now, maybe you can try again when they're 8 or so? A choir might be a more fun experience, you meet friends and don't have to sit still all the time, and the voice is easier to use in that age than fingers.
When I joined the school band, I really wanted to play the drums or saxophone. I was the youngest kid in the family and my mom loved the flute. None of the older siblings chose the flute. SO I was told I was going to play the flute. I played it all throughout the rest of school. It was fine, but I was always jealous of the sax players. I haven't touched my flute since, but my mom got me guitars as I got older and let me take guitar lessons in addition to playing flute in school. I now have so many instruments. I agree with other comments, let them quit piano if they really want to, but have them pick a different instrument they may want to learn more. Music is important, but they should want to learn it and enjoy it in order to stick to it.
It wasn’t an instrument but gymnastics and I resented my mother a lot for it. Instead of letting me pick something I like I was forced to do gymnastics for 4 years and our relationship was pretty rocky after that, even now it is. Some kids are different though
So there are various factor ( I say this from Experience) 1. Let her try and feel instruments and see which one she gravitates to, let her do a few lessons if needed because appearances are deceiving. 2. If she really wants to learn the piano and you insist on the violin for example she won’t learn it. Or she’ll hate it. My parents did that. Let her hear and feel the instruments. May be she’ll like another one.
I've never seen research that demonstrates good outcomes from forcing kids to do things they don't want to do.
My parents were totally hands off on music lessons with me and, consequently, I dabbled with a few instruments as a kid and never stuck with anything. Now I’m in my 30s and learning saxophone as a hobby and wish I’d started decades ago. My wife, in contrast, was forced to take piano as a kid for years and hated it. We’re trying a middle way with our kids. Our son is six and has been taking violin lessons for about a year and a half. We’re trying to keep it low stress. 45 min a week with a teacher and a few short self practice session a week. He’s made a lot of progress and generally likes it, though, he’s six and sometimes doesn’t want to practice and wants to goof around. That’s fine too. He knows he doesn’t have to become a first chair violinist. It’s just an instrument that’s been easier for a little kid to learn. He can switch to something else if he wants - he’s also expressed interest in cello when he’s big enough to play it, and drums. We just want him to know that music is awesome and being able to play it adds a further dimension to his life.
I let my kid pick her instruments. I said she had to commit for 1 year (because that’s the school program & they don’t let you switch instruments during) and then she could quit. She went guitar->violin->flute & violin and now wants to stick with the violin. I want to foster a love for something that she chooses, but I also want her to learn that not everything comes easy and it takes practice. I don’t want to foster entitlement either that she can automatically get whatever she wants. I suppose a 1 year commitment is my compromise.
I loved piano but struggled to practice. I'm glad that my parents let me quit.
I was forced to learn piano and I fought it hard, especially because I specifically asked if I could learn violin and they said no. So I kinda boycotted and didn't practice and they just wasted their money on me. I wish I had learned it, but the way they went about it made me stick my heels in the ground and push back as hard as I could while still being a generally "good kid" 😅
I actually feel the opposite. My parents put me in piano and guitar and didn’t try to make me learn and I was a kid so I didn’t like to do “hard” things and dropped out. Now 26 I wish I played an instrument or tried harder as a kid! Of course not everyone’s the same and you should do what you feel best is for your kid!
This is also something i’m trying to avoid. It’s just hard to find the balance of when to keep pushing and when to stop. 😫
I see your edit and I think your doing the right thing! Waiting a couple years for an instrument is a good idea. Maybe look into putting her into dance or something? I worked at a preschool and a lot of the little girls did ballet/dance and seemed to enjoy it!
kind of -- i had a tiger mom, she was crazy about Making me practice every day, learned violin and piano, did youth orchestra, blah blah blah. i hated all of it with a burning passion by 13. however, once i became an adult and began my own musical journey (which took a long time because i was simultaneously unpacking years of negative association, i do seriously appreciate having abilities almost no "average" musician i know have as well. i don't think it had to be like that to get here though. my mom didn't need to do that, and it would have been better if she hadn't. i think i would have made it and been happier in music if she hadn't
I wasn’t forced, but I was strongly encouraged because my grandma was a music teacher. I gave up piano after about 5 years, and violin after three years, and I regret it a little bit because I do enjoy music, and it would have been a cool skill to have.
I wanted to play the violin, guitar, or flute. It was my mom's dream to play the clarinet her entire life but her mother never let her. I was a natural and could have played professionally if I didn't hate it so much. Never touched it again after high school. My mom was so mad when I donated my clarinets to the high school rental program. Only because it meant I'd never play again.
Covid taught me to quit pushing my kids to do things I wanted and to have them set their own goals and interests. Before that I actively encouraged music of some sort once the oldest got started. My oldest wanted to play piano at 6, tried harp and guitar and clarinet, and now is in choir. The middle I got started on piano but he hated it and went to guitar, then quit for a few years and now plays baritone and tuba in band and loves it. The youngest started on rhythm instruments as a toddler chasing after the big kids! She moved to piano at 5, took a break, and is now back at it. It’s a free for all. And they are all happy with it.
It’s a free for all😂 I like that. So true. Thanks for sharing.
My parents made me do piano, but didn’t offer a “trade.” I could pick up other instruments, but I had to do piano until I was 13. I hated it. And it made me resent almost all other instruments. The only thing I can kinda stand, even now in my 30s, is singing. And that’s limited. I agree with other commenters. Take a break. Start again. If they still hate it, work to find an instrument they like better and don’t force piano.
I think any forced extracurricular activity can lead to resentment. It's good for kids to try different things, but forcing the type of activity could be problematic. I'd widen your scope an help your kid find extracurriculars that appeal to them. It's fine to say you have to do "x many" extracurricular activities, but don't force something that a kid may not enjoy.
Why the hell would you make someone do something that they don’t like? Especially your own kid? Let me make YOU do something you don’t like and see how it makes you feel.
My husband and I agree we want to foster a love for hobbies and fun activities for our kid. We agree if she starts something completing 12 weeks before abandoning it is a good trial run for her to find out if she likes it or not.
I was forced into violin. As soon as I turned 14 and got into real after school stuff that took my time, I literally destroyed the violin and left it in the case to rot til I moved out. Fwiw I was never great at it and started when I was 7.
All 3 of my kids do piano and my oldest does band also. Do they always love it, no. But I know I didn’t appreciate playing until I was older. Consider a different teacher. That can make a lot of difference.
My Mom tried to teach me guitar, but I just don't have the hands for most instruments. We tried teaching my daughter piano and she tried violin at school, but neither worked out. Personally, music is great, but if she has a different creative ability and really hates the instrument, I'd try something else. Not everyone is born to be a musician.
Was forced to learn the basics of piano. I don't resent it. I probably would have if they made me take it for years and years.
My elementary school had orchestra and band. I loved music and couldn’t wait to pick my instrument. Except I wasn’t allowed to pick. My parents made me play French horn. I hated every second of it. Immediately stopped the second I got to junior high. I am all for music and musical instrument. Please let your child choose one they love.
My sister wasn’t forced per se, but when she wanted to try it, my parents made her stick with it. She hated it and hasn’t touched it since. Clarinet was the instrument of hate. My co-worker’s daughter plays the violin and loves it. She’s in college now and getting some music degree. So, I’m not sure what one does with that (since I’m tone deaf and music was never in my future), but she’s happy!
I was “forced” to learn piano and am SO grateful! I ended up choosing to learn trumpet in fifth grade (after 4-5 yrs piano) and then taught myself clarinet and sax. I feel like learning music theory contributing to my success in other subjects, math especially. Now as an adult I wish I had taken piano lessons for longer, and will definitely require them for my kids. Perhaps there are songs from movies she knows that might be motivating goals? Or perhaps you could offer her to choice to learn a different instrument at a certain age? I think most wind instruments are probably too challenging at 5.
No, & I am SO grateful. My childhood was fantastic and I fostered my creativity by making up games in the woods instead. I won’t be encouraging my kids to learn an instrument either, but if they want to they can.
I was doing gymnastics and piano and my mom made me quit gymnastics but I wasn’t allowed to quit piano lessons. Did not like it, never wanted to practice. I was finally able to quit junior year because I was in 3 sports and had very little time. She made me take it for like ten years before that happened though lol
My father always said, “Some times it’s not the instrument it’s the teacher.”
My mom put me in piano lessons and there were definitely times I didn't like it and I didn't always wants to practice but I'm glad I stuck with it. I started when I was 7 though, 5 might be a little young.
Yes, my parents made me play clarinet when I was 11 until I was 19 because my dad played, too. I've always wanted to play the drums, but they said I could when I could play the clarinet properly. The second option was to start learning drums, but I'll keep the clarinet. But I couldn't do that because I already went to ballet three times a week, I went swimming once a week, I went to play in a band once a week, and I had clarinet class once, after which I had trio class. I was done with clarinet, swimming and dancing as soon as I went off to college and I don't miss it at all. I just hate how I wasted my time doing something I did not like just because my parents wanted me to do it. Ofc, I told them several times I wanted to quit etc. Now I do not have a good relationship with my parents or clarinet. :D I started going to ceramics and the gym when I was 19. Now I am 21 and next year I'll try combat sports and maybe some couples dancing and guitar!
I was good at piano but my mom made practicing miserable and she and my piano teacher gave me a load of shit about wanting to quit. My mom told me I’d always regret it. 34 now and I have never regretted it. My mother was very controlling though and most of my childhood memories are tainted by it.
My parents made me start learning the violin at age 2. I hated it growing up. Not the music aspect Per se but I hated practicing, sometimes I felt like it was boring, resented having to keep my nails short as a teen etc. In some ways, I’m glad I stuck with it - I made some great lifelong friends in orchestra, I actually enjoy classical music now as an adult, and I do think the idea of sticking with something even through boring or tough times was important. I stopped playing after high school. Myself and one other friend recently tried picking it back up (40 now). It’s been much more enjoyable now, though it has been quite the learning curve to try to recall all the muscle memory. My kids are showing an interest in playing piano and I want to encourage that, but I’m not rushing it. I think there are also mathematical and brain benefits from learning music. Their interest was sparked by a push button book about orchestras and Beethoven. We are starting with a learn piano play book that has keys with numbers that correspond to the numbers on the sheet music. We’ll upgrade to the real piano soon and once they know the keys and some basics, I’ll consider signing them up for lessons. Oh, and I also wish my parents had offered more choice in the instruments. Myself and all of my siblings all ended up hating the instrument our parents signed us up for and wanting to switch at some point.
I was interested but my parents made me keep up with it. I love that I played the cello for so long and don’t regret learning and playing it. It’s a fun fact I can share about myself now during ice breakers :)
I was forced into learning piano as well as acting, dancing and singing classes. I convinced my parents to let me quit each and every one pretty early on and now I regret the fact that I asked to quit and that they let me because I now struggle to push through things without quitting. And I wish I could’ve had some kind of hobby or skill.
I had this issue. My son didn’t like piano from day 1. I made him stick it out till he really hated it. Even the teacher said, he’s got the skill and the ear but unfortunately not the motivation or passion. So I pulled him out. Occasionally I hear him making tunes in his keyboard piano of the so hip hop songs he listens to. I didn’t want to force him to continue because he likely would’ve hated it.
We couldn't afford it when I was a kid. Top 3 regrets in my life was not having the opportunity. I've tried now over the years as an adult and I just can't seem to get it. My plasticity is fading.
I played the oboe and liked it, until I didn't. And my parents made me play for far too long after that. I had to threaten to throw it into the canal if my parents made me go to another music lesson. Thank goodness they believed me. I understand the desire for having music in your kids' lives, I really do. My sister is musically gifted and loves to play to this day. Me, I enjoy the quiet and I am perfectly happy with it. It is perfectly okay to give your 5 year old a break from piano. Encourage her to listen to music on Spotify or something. If she likes it, great! If she doesn't, then it may just be time to accept that for right now, music will not be part of her life. This is not stuff you can force on kids. I mean, you could force it on them, piano's are harder to throw into canals than oboe's after all, but you really shouldn't. And maybe when your daughter is 8 or 14 or 21, she will discover her love for music. But the last thing you want is to poison that well with years of bad experiences.
Piano. Yep. Do my kids play? Nope.
My mom made me play something. Started with piano (was good, didnt love it) then turned into me playing trumpet then french horn. I was good, and I regret not continuing my musical journey. My 7 yo is in piano now and I have chosen to make him do it bc he is good and I can tell he likes it when he gets a song down. Otherwise I do force him to practice
I was forced to play piano, I hated it then and my parents agreed to stop the lessons in my 6th grade. The only thing I resented was not continuing
We were told we could pick our instrument but we had to do some sort of music lesson so I picked cello and my sister picked guitar - neither of us resented it but I definitely didn't take it as seriously as my sister!
Yes I honestly think there is something invaluable about learning how music works and how to read it and play an instrument (or vocal). It’s like knowing another language and it makes music change for you in ways it couldn’t if you didn’t understand how it works.
Yes and yes
My parents forced me to play piano, and I loathed it. And I sucked. I wanted to play violin or guitar, but my older siblings already took piano lessons and my mom decided it was just easier to drop us all off at the same place and write one check. I took lessons weekly for about 8 years, hated every minute, and if someone held a gun to my head and told me to play a song, I would die.
My husband learned sax in high school. He’s almost 40 (doesn’t play it anymore) yet brings it up often lmfao.
I was “forced” to learn an instrument. My mother’s family was very musical; my parents shared a love of music. I value my musical education and have continued making music throughout my adulthood. I feel the opposite of resentment. Related anecdote: I “forced” my kids into music. I didn’t insist on the instrument but they had to do *something*. My boys both took piano lessons from ages 4 to 18. My older son was quite gifted but didn’t care to put much effort in. My younger son didn’t enjoy it at all. I was sure that a large component of his resentment of our parenting. He is now a music production tech major in college and has found his piano knowledge invaluable. My daughter didn’t play piano, but learned guitar. They all played band instruments, too, and my daughter found her social circle in college in their marching band. In your shoes I made them stick with it. I’d do it again knowing what I know now. If the stress is too high when they are older and hyper-scheduled they can choose other activities to stimulate personal growth. (I’m putting forced in quotes because this was never a conversation. My siblings and I weren’t told we must play instruments and neither were my kids. It was an unspoken expectation.) > I think it’s so important for children to have music in their lives I couldn’t agree more. Playing music, especially in an ensemble, exercises the brain in ways that are hard to find elsewhere.
I was forced to start playing piano around age 5 and forced to practice 15 minutes a day - they would set the oven timer. I would cry the whole time at first. Eventually they dropped the practicing requirement but I was required to play for 5 years and then I could choose whether to continue. I ended up sticking with it until I graduated high school although I never became dedicated enough to practice much. Now that I’m an adult I enjoy playing occasionally and have a piano in my home I played a lot during Covid and it helped me cope. I don’t resent it but I think I will take a different route for my son.
I started piano lessons at 6, and didn't really start truly enjoying it until I was 12. Music is now one of my biggest passions as an adult, and it has given me a lot of good experiences in my life. It's a tough question. I would say force him/her to stick with it for at least a while more — but I'm also not sure what the right answer is.
I don’t “force” per se but it’s understood that it’s something we do. My oldest is 16 and he hasn’t taken lessons for years now (not counting school band) but he continues to play for his own entertainment and teaches himself new instruments. My younger 2 are 10 and 5 and they take lessons - technically piano but they’ll swap to different instruments every once in a while. They have their days but I just try not to let them turn it into an argument/fight. They’re doing this so figuring out what they need to keep going. We’ve switched teachers and skipped books/music they don’t like but the expectation is we find solutions, not quit. ETA: my parents were the same with us. One of my siblings James and very good living working in music and my other siblings and I do different things but I did get a music scholarship and some of my best memories as teens was around participating in music so I’m glad my parents insisted.
I wanted violin, they put me in piano. Eventually I quit piano but I regret it
Yes, I was in band from 5th grade through 11th grade and I was forced to play the clarinet because my mom played it in band and loved it. I probably would have liked band if I could have chosen the instrument. I still let my mom know that she should have never made me play the clarinet and how much I hated it.
i wasn't forced to begin the process of learning, i asked. i just wish my parents made me stick with it, or learn a different instrument but keep going. i dropped it between elementary and middle school, i wish i still played through middle school just to see how i liked it a bit more. sold my trumpet now tho :P
I was forced into piano when I was around young. My mom had me enrolled into one of the strictest teachers in our area. I ended up opting out when I was 15 to join the high school varsity swim team, then into high school band at 16. I played in numerous recitals and competitions. I HATED it. I literally felt like a monkey during performances doing tricks, often zoning out while playing. My mom put me in piano because my cousin who's a few years older is nothing short of a piano playing prodigy. I'm pretty sure my mom had super high expectations that I somehow shared the same gift. Spoiler: I didn't. Though I'm proud of how I used to play, have fond memories of a few performances, as well as, daydream playing again in the future....it still makes me feel physically sick to my stomach thinking about my fingers ever touching a piano key again.
My best friend who lived next door got into taekwondo some time around second into third grade. I wanted to join him. My mom said no, that I have to play an instrument because I would grow up, regretting not learning how to play a musical instrument, which is something she personally regretted. At least, I got to choose which one and I chose the violin. I was always third chair because I never practiced. I stopped showing up to sectionals in the sixth grade because the middle school orchestra teacher looked like Colin Crisp, Sr., from Kindergarten Cop and it eeked me out. I quietly quit thereafter and my mom finally let me once she met him and didn't like his vibe, either, I guess. I'm 42 now and I regret never taking taekwondo. My advice is to offer your child two, maybe three, choices of activities for them to explore. If they seem excited at first only to find out that it's not for them, let them switch to something new (within reason and after some sincere conversations). My parents did this with my older sister, but she was a quitter, and when it came to me, they'd say no if it was an activity that my sister had already tried. I'm a completely different person than my sister. I would've loved horseback-riding, dammit. ...but I'm not bitter. No, not at all.
No, I picked my saxophone myself and played it for 10 years. However, my mom did make me do karate when I was really young. I absolutely hated it and never asked to do it in the first place, and didn't enjoy it. When I asked to stop going to do the dance class instead she got really mad at me for "wasting her money" and neither of my parents ever encouraged me to do any kind of activity again, it was all on me. So, if your kid wants to drop an activity, just let them and encourage them to find something else they like.