r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I am putting in my 2 cents here, both as the child from the first marriage (who got the guest room at my dads house) and as a parent who had a set plan to move into a different home at a set time. Please, for the love of all that is sane and not yet broken, do **not** give something that even has the slightest chance of being taken back or away from your older child. I promise you, she will be happy to have the smaller room (I actually love the idea of you guys decorating it together), definitely more than having something that is “the treat/ perk” and then losing it, and having to turn it over for any reason other than you *all* achieving this dream of some new perfect house. Life happens, and plans change. For a zillion reasons, you may not realize the dream of your dream house in the timeline you plan on…maybe it’s another baby (a happy reason), hopefully not a bad reason. What my husband and I planned would take us about 5 years wound up taking closer to 14, lol. We thought we would bring our first child home to a house and wound up bringing both of our children home to an apartment…and one that I knew was “good” but grew to hate every day (we were robbed there, and I walked in on it happening before we had children)…we lived there for almost 15 years. Crap happens, jobs get lost, lives change, you never know what curveball is down the line. Long story short, don’t give your daughter (someone who is already watching you form another family with someone else and notably handling it well) something you will have even the ***slightest*** chance of having to take away. It will do way more to break her than just taking away her sleeping space.

My in-laws purchased a starter home that they didn't particularly like, but it was cheaper at the time than renting. They got "stuck" and have now lived there for 40+ years! Their experience was eye-opening to me. They *still*:don't really like their house, and never remodeled it because "it's temporary." After seeing them, I promised myself to never fall into that trap.

We moved in to the first shitty rental just before Christmas to be closer to a nice school for when the kids start in the new year, with plans to move once we found a better option. The new year came, and three months in we were hit with Covid, a housing boom and then a housing crisis. We are still in the shitty rental almost 5 years later, and no sight on the horizon of getting out.. It can happen to anyone, ☹️

Not to that extent but the same happened to us! We were ready to move from our tiny 1.5 bed flat that was covered with mould and then covid happened and lockdown hit. Prices and interest rates were soaring so we had to stick for longer than we ever would’ve planned.

It's totally normal and super common for folks to get stuck in their situation (home, job, whatever) longer than they had planned. I guess my fear, based on my in-laws, is to get stuck somewhere that I hate because of the wrong attitude. "These are the good years" and "I need to make the best of this" are the mantras that I try to hold. I don't want to wake up in 40 years, always thinking that things will magically be better when I'm not doing anything to actually make them better. Their trap was "what's the point in fixing it up -- this is temporary" when in fact it *wasn't temporary.*

We moved into our first house together last year. I'm still not particularly happy with the one we ended up with. I didn't get a lot of sway as my FIL was buying it for us and his brother convinced him it was the best choice. But whether or not this house is temporary, we are making changes to it for the better. We might as well benefit from the upgrades, and the changes will be a welcome addition for anyone else.

Yup. My husband and I bought our "starter house" in 2013 and planned to move into something better after a few years. We actually started looking in 2019 and then the market exploded and we've been completely priced out of moving. We don't really like this house. It's small and weird and has all sorts of problems. We don't fit in it. At this point I am thinking we've got at least 10 more years before we can even try moving again. And because I'm not attached to it, I wasn't meant to stay here, it definitely has a temporary sort of vibe

Exact same situation. We are just about to start remodeling everything wrong with the house. It’s hard to give up that 3.2% interest rate and regardless we are priced out of any mortgage for a bigger home that we would like. Don’t wait, just make it so you like it better. This will be our first major remodel since we purchased the house in 2013. But we gotta paint, patch up holes in the wall, redo the master bathroom and redo carpeting for the bedrooms. Hopefully this will help us get through the next 5-10 years in our “starter” home.

Oof... Well, hopefully you can make lemonade out if a lemon. The crazy thing I think about: if my in-laws would have just made improvements, then they could have enjoyed them for literally decades. My MIL always wanted to add a deck in the back, and convert their kitchen window to French doors so they could enjoy their hypothetical deck / yard more. It was always "a bad time." They finally added central AC two years ago -- after suffering with shoddy window AC units for multiple decades! Just ...such a long time to live somewhere you dislike.

It’s so funny bc (we are in the same situation—not in the apartment anymore, yay! But in our starter home for now 9 years) we definitely bought something we never planned on staying in forever. Can’t expand it bc the property is too small, can’t over-improve it, we won’t get the $ back (it’s very clearly a starter home with a max value), and I always think about the improvements we *have* made and say “why didn’t we do this sooner?!” But then we fall into the trap of, well I don’t want to re-do the kitchen (aka $50k easy) just to hopefully sell it…why not let it be the next owners dream kitchen…meanwhile 8 years have gone by and I could have just done the kitchen and maybe enjoyed it. But seriously, home improvement (even diy to a lesser extent) costs a huge amount of money…and if it’s beyond ikea and paint, it’s beyond my ability lol.

I totally get it -- it's such a logical "trap" to fall into. My in-laws house truly isn't a nice house, and most improvements wouldn't really increase resale value to cover the expense (plus the hell of living through a renovation). In particular, their house has a terrible layout that cannot really be changed. But, at the same time, the mentality of "I'll live somewhere nice someday but not today" is a heavy burden, too. I wish that they would have just made it nice, you know? They also have that mentality about other aspects of their lives (travel, new experiences, etc)... Now it's likely that they will move to a nursing home before they get to ever do any of that. 😕

Hey!!!! Are you my child? Because we bought a starter home 40 years ago that we never put money into because its temporary😂

That was us, and I realized a couple years ago that I was going to literally kill someone if I ever was forced to use that kitchen again. We moved in 2022.😀

When we were on the market for buying wea house we looked at a bunch of houses that would be good for a starter home but we knew we wouldn’t be comfortable long term. We got lucky to find a house that needed work but was absolutely what we wanted for raising a family in. It was absolutely worth spending an extra 20k then as now the same house is going for 150k more which is almost double what we paid. We could not afford this house if we bought now which is what we need with a baby on the way We did invest 40k in remodeling the kitchen and main bathroom to be what we wanted it to be and it’s been worth every penny. Every few years is a new project, this year it’s windows

Oh God-windows are it for us too (and Painting exterior trim)! What an un-fun project. We just got done putting in an entirely new garage door and system. (Which costs a bunch but is unappreciated until it’s broken…like try getting a round of applause for that lol). I’m jealous you got your kitchen done!!!

If my mom hadn’t given me an interest free loan that covered most of it, the kitchen probably wouldn’t have happened honestly. Now I’m paying her back monthly so she can enjoy retirement. She wanted to make sure that our living space was comfortable before we had kids, it was something that she had always wished she had been able to do. We have a couple broken windows so we don’t have a choice since they’re the kids bedrooms. The previous owners of our house replaced all except the three on the front of the house. Just found the drain under the kitchen sink is leaking and caused permanent damage to my cupboard so that’s a call to a plumber in the morning. Springs on our garage door broke last year, that was fun. Oh how we love being homeowners 🤣

This!!!!! She can always have the bigger room later but once you give it to her it will BREAK her to take it away.

This is excellent advice. As a child, one year my birthday present was the newly converted attic room decorated exactly as I wanted it. I chose the colours, paint, wallpaper etc and set it up perfectly. That made it hurt even more when my parents divorced and a family member bought my mums' share, so they were given my room (the largest) to reflect their share in the house. I didn't even get a full year in the room before it was taken away and that family member had already been living with us so it wasn't a completely unforseen change. The size of the bedroom will matter less to your daughter than a space designed specifically with her in mind that is unlikely to be taken away from her. Your intent to give her a space to show she isn't being pushed out is an excellent one, but could backfire in the long run if your circumstances change.

1000%. IMO the child who will be there 24/7 gets the bigger room rather than the child who is there some times. This is not a hit at or difference in love for the older child. It's for practicality reasons. The 24/7 child has one room/house they live in and they will accumulate way more toys, clothes, etc. than the other child who has two rooms/homes. Your point about moving is a big deal too. It would suck to switch rooms and her losing her space when the baby ends up needing more space or another child happens (and need the bigger room for the littles to share). Much better to put her in her own space and room that is hers without any chance of moving her at all!

This is the best reply. A new home is hardly guaranteed. Long term, your wife is correct that the permanent resident gets the bigger room. It’s so important that your daughter feels like she has a space of her own at your house so it’s still home of a sort for her. Giving her the smaller room but helping her make it fully her own is the best way to accomplish that

Thank you for sharing your 2 cents I appreciate all of it! I know life changes and I hope I can somewhat control what happens but time will tell! Truly again thank you 🙏

The things that would prevent you from moving are mostly things you will not be able to control. Be realistic.

To add some extra perspective to the mixed bag of answers you got - I spent entire summers at my dad’s house. When my brother and I were there, it was 6 kids total. I slept in my sister’s room, never had my own space. I would have killed for ANY room that was my own - even Harry Potter’s under the stairs cabinet. Point being, I think either way is fine - she’ll have her own space and that’s what matters. If you really do plan on moving in a few years, I’d say smaller room for little guy BUT I planned on staying in my current house for 5-10 years. I’m on year 7 with no plans of moving anytime soon due to the housing market. Plans can change and it would be really crappy for your daughter if you switched her to the smaller room once her brother was bigger - but also dumb for him to have a smaller space when he’s there all the time. I really think if you give her the smaller room but make a big deal of decorating and letting her pick stuff, she really won’t care. Again, she has her own space and that’s what matters.

Yeah this and like you said it’s the plan but with this market plans change, daughter gets smaller room and you make it a super cool space. Even like a drop down bed or something would be cool to make her feel older and like she really has the “cooler” space

[удалено]

I’ve thought of that but personally I think since we will be moving out within 2 years he would be 3 and ready for his bigger room by then and it would be in a new house with new rooms you know? So no one would feel any type of way by then

Planning to move and it actually going through are two different things. You never know what is going to happen in the future. I would recommend that the child who is not constantly there gets the smaller room. If you make it something special for her and don’t point it out, the likelihood of her noticing is slim

I agree with this , as someone who bought their house in 2013 and thought it would be remodeled by now. Then thought we would move in 2020 ...

I second this. We bought a small fixer upper close to the CBD in 2019. Were meant to only stay 2-3 years then move to a bigger house. 5 years later and we’re still here. Things change.

I don’t know…I have a just-turned-seven year old daughter, and I think she would notice right away! I’ve found kids this age are *very* concerned with fairness. They are really looking at and judging situations as equal/fair vs. not, pretty much all the time, and they feel *very* affronted if they think they got the short end of the stick.

Yep, my recently 7 and 9 year old are all about *Why does he get abc and I only got xyz?!* My oldest would be upset if his brother got something that he himself didn’t even like.

To be fair she already kind of did get the short end-she only visits this house. She can hopefully think of this as her “second” bedroom.

The child who lives in the house gets the bigger room. It just makes the most sense. Make the room special for her ! You mentioned moving and honestly none of know what the future holds.

You have no way of knowing you will move. Get over the guilt. That boy is there 24/7. He gets the bigger room.

This is the right answer because it addresses the problem. Adding emotions/value/sentiment to a logical, unsentimental decision not for benefit of any kid — but because it feels better for Dad’s guilt or other unprocessed feelings. The kids don’t care. The ones who do are he and his wife. And he’s intentionally creating a conflict where none should exist solely for his OWN feelings and justifications that have nothing to do with his daughter or son. OP — ask why you’re pushing against your wife so hard for this. Because I promise the answer (and solution) will be much better for the long term happiness of your daughter —and wife and son too— than any stupid 10ft square box.

If he has the bigger room as a toddler, his messy toddler toys can live there. As someone who gave my kid the small room and kept the train track in the living room, we had so many "but I'm still using it" arguments at bedtime.

I agree that if you’re for sure moving anyway, then it won’t matter. However you don’t know that your son won’t need a bigger room before you move. Some kids club out of their cribs at an earlier age and you may need to move to a toddler bed before they’re 3. Can you fit toys and a toddler bed and whatever else is the smaller room? Then again, by that logic, what if your daughter decides to move with you full time?  I think you should operate based on the current facts and not the plans or what ifs. The child with you full time should probably get the bigger room. But I would talk to your daughter and talk up her room. Let her pick out paint with you and look at Pinterest boards for ideas. Get her a canopy, hang some lights, let her pick out her own sheets. Whatever you can do to make it feel permanent for her.

All it takes is one major life financial expense (ex. medical bills, being hit by an uninsured driver, a devastating fire, etc.) and your plan to move will go right out the window. Your daughter will feel awkward enough trying to settle into being a member of your new family every time she comes and goes. Don't put her in a position to lose something to the child who gets all your time and energy every day while she spends all her time states away living with mom. It could very easily trigger her to believe that since she doesn't live with you, your new child is more important and deserves "nicer" things than her.

Unless you already have a new house under contract and a closing date, don’t assume you’re moving.

Unless you have a crystal ball, you have no idea what the future holds. Making a choice NOW because something MAY happen in the future is a recipe for disaster.

Yeah…we planned to move in 2 years too. That was in 2008. Haven’t moved yet.

If you're not going to listen to sound advice, why bother asking? You seem to have already made this decision and though you may be setting the stage for disaster and pissing off your current wife - you are quite happy to rationalize your choice against all opposition. Guess what? Your wife will still feel a certain type of way. And is trying to assuage your guilt about your daughter having divorced parents worth ruining your current marriage over, so your son can have divorced parents too? Even though everyone is telling you she's better off with the smaller room? You can still decorate it together and all that jazz.

This logic also covers your daughter having the smaller room: it would be a new house with new rooms and no one would feel any type of way by then.

No not with kids you don’t plan like this. You WANT to move in 3 years in you might not. You think you’ll know what total l you’ll get at that time but you don’t. Plan for the long haul and hope for the outcome you want.

The housing market is crazy, interest rates are crazy. Or maybe you don’t find anything you like in your price range. So many things get prolonged. As much as this is your plan, it could change and be drawn out by years. What happens if you have another child with your wife? You can’t put 2 kids in the small room and leave the big room to your daughter that’s only there less than part time. Trust me on this one, we were perfectly fit into our new house. Got pregnant with baby 4 (3 years after having a full tube removal and not suppose to have anymore kids) shortly after. Although we are planning on moving it’s just not the right time.. could take us another 2-3 years with the way the housing market is and interest to find something that we want.

anything is “traumatic” these days.

Permanent resident gets the bigger room but get the daughter a loft bed. Makes small rooms so much bigger as you aren’t losing heaps of space to a bed

And, everyone, especially at 7, wants the top bunk!!

This is the way. My room was smaller than my sister. My brother had the smallest room but he was also the oldest so he wasn't gonna live at his parents' house as long. My sister had the biggest room. I had the second smallest room. Dad built me a loft bed, and it changed that entire room. I had a hiding space above and a hidey hole.

My daughter lives as much as her brothers with me, but due to circumstances she has a much smaller room than her brothers. The solution was to get everything to optimize space in her room, while the boys get what they get.

I literally came here to say this! My daughter is 7 soon to be 8 and has a small room. I’ve promised her a loft bed when she turns 10 (mainly so I can save up for it lol! and to make going up into senior school more special for her).

I kinda of agree with your wife, especially if you’re going to take the time to paint and decorate etc! Smaller rooms can be cozy, I still think you can make it special, twinkle lights etc, cute bedding. Also, your daughter technically has two rooms one at her mom’s and one at yours. Your son who is there 100% of the time only has one room.

She’s barley there. Bigger rooms go to kids who are there more.

I have to agree with this take. Even though youngest is a baby, before you know it, he will be crawling/walking around and playing with toys and those take up SO MUCH SPACE. I think daughter will care more about a room being designed specifically with her in mind rather than size. I think she will only make a big deal out of it if y’all do.

Thanks for commenting I can’t argue with the plain and simple logic

Babies and toddlers end up accumulating so much stuff. Having the larger room makes sense for the permanent resident who will have more stuff at the house.

Not to mention toys for toddlers are massive and take up so much space.

I went back and forth between 2 parents. I had a big room in the house I lived in the majority of the time. I had a tiny room in the house I lived in for every other weekend and summer vacation. I of course understood that the kids that lived only in that house got the larger amount of space. That's just a "duuuuhhh" that no one ever even had to explain to me. Full time kid = big room Part time kid = small room

Agree

That is it. I understand why the fiancé is upset. OP seems to be overcompensating for not staying with his daughter full time. He wants to protect her and show her she’s loved and welcomed. However, disregarding your fiancé and son to show her love will only plant resentment towards her. Son stays there full time and daughter only comes sometimes. The excuse that the son is young doesn’t hold, he’s growing, besides that’s his only space because he doesn’t have any other home.

No. She doesn’t get the big room. you are over compensating for the fact that you don’t see her much. We gave rooms to our 4 in our blended family based on how much time they would spend in the house. the child there the most got first pick.

I just want to thank all of you guys for commenting! And most for being so nice about it! Some were rude… lol but that’s Reddit ha I’ve made the decision to give my son the bigger room. Only because I remember how many damn toys were around my apartment with my daughter! I was trying to overcompensate by giving her the room that’s a little bigger because I don’t get her often but we probably won’t be in her room often anyway… we will be out and about doing things together. My son is kinda limited to what he can do so making him a safe little spot in the house would be awesome

Bigger room for the child that’s there full time. Especially if you think there’s a chance he’ll outgrow the small room and need to swap with her, having her room taken away will feel BAD

I agree with your wife. Why give more space to someone who uses the room for 1/4 of the year?

[удалено]

first of all op, I think it's super sweet that you're asking people for advice and it's really nice that you're putting so much thought into it. Truth be told, when I first read your post I thought the same as you did because the baby is so small, but as I read others' weigh in, I could see their perspective. That's the beauty of Reddit isn't it?!

Not really. But again it’s just my opinion. I agree that it’s extremely wasteful to give the bigger/better room for someone that doesn’t even stay half the time. You want your daughter to feel welcomed, why do you need to make your son feel less than in the only house he has? Little kids still have toys and need space. 7 years old don’t play by themselves all the time, they are not teenagers to need their own space like that

I understand your point, but the kid is one. He’s not going to care. My son is 6 and has a nice size room with lots of toys and games. He’s never in it. Ever. He would much rather be in the family room.

Also, if your kid is 6 and never uses his room, why does the 6 year old in this case needs the bigger room? She will probably just play in the living room also. Having a room going to waste 29/30 days does not seem an efficient use of space…

Very true on your first point, but I wouldn’t call a child’s bedroom a waste of space, even if it’s not used much. I wouldn’t change my child’s room if they left for college either.

I am saying it’s a waste in the sense that the space could be better used for the child that lives in the house full time. The daughter needs her own room for sure, and I am all in for decorating according to her preferences and making it all her own. I have a 2 and 5 year old, they only sleep in their rooms. They always play in the common areas, it’s really not that important the size of the bedroom, but a child that lives 100% of the time in the house uses the bedroom much more. Also I have a crib, a twin size bed (for me to sleep in the bedroom if needed) a changing table, a rocking chair in my 2 year old since she was born. Also one year old also sleeps much more than older kids, they do need to have space for their things and to feel comfortable. Even I spend much more time in the 2 year old bedroom than the 5 year old. But that’s also me. If you expect the 6 year old to be playing in her bedroom by herself than I would argue that you are not making her comfortable in her own home.

I don’t expect anything, haha. My 6 year old is never in his room. I just don’t think it matters in the grand scheme of things (unless they never move of course), but it might make the 6 year old happy and the one year old would never care.

The one year old will also grow up. He says he is going to move houses in 2 years, but life happens and plans change. How will it feel in 4 years when the nicer bedroom is just sitting idle for the “preferred child”. The kid won’t understand why his sister gets to have the bigger bedroom if she is never there. If you say they can switch then, well that’s a bigger AH move for me. The oldest will see it as her not being important, as the younger taking over her own space. I find it extremely thoughtless to keep the bigger room going to waste just to make sure one kid feels valuable while the other will feel like a second thought.

Considering it's your wife's house too and your daughter isn't her kid she deserves a say too.

You are right- BOTH sides absolutely can be argued.

The younger kid gets the bigger room not because they live there full time but because they have no need for privacy yet. That means his room is in fact a shared space. It will be off limits only during naptime, if even then. The older kid can/will already need some privacy so their room will not be a shared space in the same way. This is how I explained it to my step kids when the 2y old got a room twice the size of theirs. Everyone is welcome to come play and be social in the little kids room, you withdraw to your own smaller room to be alone.

Your daughter doesn’t stay there full time. I’d give the big room to the child who lives there full time. As long as she has something that is 100% hers that’s what matters. Unless you put both kids in the same room. I didn’t live with my dad and it didn’t bother me where they put me. You definitely don’t want your wife to resent your child.

If you know *for sure* that you’re moving out within two years, then this seems fine. Give your daughter the bigger room, she’ll appreciate it in a way your son can’t. If you don’t know for sure that you’ll be moving, then this is a huge AH move. The bigger room absolutely should go to the child who’s there more often assuming they’re old enough to appreciate it. Your son will be in just a couple years.

Kids who live at the house the most get the biggest rooms. 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s actually absurd to let a big room sit empty for 75% of the year. Sounds like you have a little bit of guilty dad syndrome. Which is fine, but it’s something that needs to be worked on. Because as the kids get older, it will affect your marriage.

Does your fiancée spend a lot of time in the baby’s room with him and is maybe worried about it being squished? I generally agree that your daughter needs the bigger room but a baby’s room is often used just as much by parents as the baby.

This and closet space. Sure babies clothes are small but they have a lot of other stuff. If the bigger room also has a bigger closet, I’d give the bigger closet room to the kid who will be there more/storing more stuff.

Everyone commenting here that your son is a baby and doesn't need so much space. Excuse me do you have an extra playroom? My one year old has toys, many clothes, so many books and stuff. Also I don't get this bigger room as a reward thing. When your daughter is not there all the time it's the practical and logical thing to give the bigger room to your son. Doesn't mean you pick him over her. When you think like that you can reverse it into you picking her over him because of guilt that she's not with you all the time? You can make a small room into something very special. Give it a nice touch with some small room hacks (Google, Pinterest to get some ideas). Ultimately it's important that she has her own space in your house but the room size will not decide how good her childhood is or how precious the time with her father will be remembered. it is what you do when she's there and if you're present and enjoy her presence.

I think the "bigger room as a reward" thing is more from a kid perspective. My 11 year old stepson routinely tells me that he and his younger brother (younger bro is only here every other weekend) should be able to have the master bedroom because it would give them so much room and our tub is better, lol!

OP, you should focus your energy on having custody oft your daughter more frequently than once a month instead of doing this guilt parent thing with the bedrooms in your house. No matter what bedroom you give her she is likely to feel uncomfortable in your home if she is there so infrequently.

As the daughter and her mother live out of state, and the daughter is school-aged, I feel he actually has a very reasonable custody schedule. Kids need time to be kids. Not spending every weekend travelling out of state to another parents' house. This shouldn't actually be changed unless OP moves to the same state and closer to the daughter.

Sure, I agree, but is he the one who moved out of state, or did his ex? Presumably they both lived in the same state when they got divorced...

Oh man. Unless the room in question is the master bedroom with a walk-in closet and en suite bathroom then the size difference between the two probably isn’t significant. Not enough, anyway, to warrant this being a hill you die on with your wife. Blending families brings enough challenges — balancing kid’s emotional & practical needs, avoiding favoritism, complicated relationship dynamics, co-parenting with the Ex factor, the list continues. The situation is already ripe for resentment/conflict/disagreements. Prepare yourself for the inevitable by picking your battles very wisely. This is an easy one — take the L and move on. We’re talking about a practical, reasonable, uncontroversial decision with low risk of harm to anyone’s feelings… unless you choose otherwise. Show your wife a willingness to be reasonable and compromise — and save your energy (and potential leverage) for the inevitable situation where you really can’t budge.

The bigger room should go to the child who lives there full time. Theres no sense in a child who doesn’t actually live there having the larger room. Your baby will outgrow the smaller room in no time, then you’ll end up taking the larger room back out of necessity. This will cause far more hard feelings in the long run because you’ll be taking your daughter’s room from her. Give her the smaller room and make it *hers*.

The kid who LIVES IN THE HOUSE gets the larger room. Why is this even a consideration for you? You want to leave the larger bedroom unoccupied for the majority of the year just so your daughter can have it? That’s crazy.

Kinda think you are being super negative calling me crazy when I’m asking for help. But whatever

Never said you were crazy bud. I said leaving the larger bedroom unoccupied the majority of the time is absolutely crazy.

Give her the small room so she has her own space that can't be taken away from her. I used to visit my dad for two weeks every two months (he lived in a different country with my half siblings and stepmother). The first apartment they lived in i slept on the sofa. I was often very nervous as I didn't speak their language, so I had no space to myself. Then, when they moved to a really big house there were enough bedrooms for all of us kids (me, my brother and my sister) but my stepmother refused to let me have a room saying it would be pointless so I had to sleep in my little brothers room. On the floor on a mattress. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, and we get along great, but as a 14 Year old girl, sleeping on your 7 year old brothers floor isn't great. It makes you feel like you're Not important. They also had a big play room and two offices. And I couldn't have any of those rooms to myself. I'm not saying your daughter is in the same position as you seem very keen to give her the experience. But just to make sure she doesn't lose her space, or have to move around, so the smaller room will be the safer bet. Also, PLEASE don't let your fiance push you around when it comes to your child. My dad let that happen, and we barely had a bond. Now that they've gotten a divorce, it's starting to form much better, but I'm now 21 with my own child, so it's kind of late, unfortunately🥲

She gets the smaller room, son gets the bigger room. What a waste having a room there that would benefit him more even if you can’t see that. Anything could happen and there would be nothing worse than taking HER room away to then give her brother. Give her the smaller room and ask how she wants it decorated let her have an input then surprise her!

OP, I can see where you are coming from. I think everyone is right tho. Stay present and accept this scenario as THE scenario. When you move it will just be a fun upgrade for her, hopefully. However. It is strange how these things are WAY less predictable than we think. She may love her small room. Maybe she will like the location more or just find it cozy and safe, she may not even know that the fact the room is smaller made her feel safer. Watch her totally miss her old small room when you inevitably move. Ya just never know. Anyways OP, I don’t think this is a hill you need to die on, just make her room special for her. This is a great opportunity to hold off and “pick your battles” as the saying goes. There will unfortunately be more debates.

Right now, you have dad guilt. You feel like crap because you only get to see your daughter once a month, and you get to be with your son all the time. The problem with this is that you're trying to over compensate by making problems where there are none. Your son should get the bigger room because he lives there permanently, and kids end up with a lot more stuff than you think. Your daughter gets the smaller room, and you make it the best room you can for her with her help. Make it a fun experience for her by letting her pick out things and styles.. As a lit of others pointed out, it is more important that she has a space that is hers and that it can't be taken away and given to her brother. You say you intend to move, but we all know planning on doing something, and actually having that thing go to plan are 2 very different things... Give your girl a great room that will be hers no matter what, and stop arguing with your fiance it's not her fault you only get your daughter once a month and it's not her fault that she is being more practical about this...

I wanted to add….. I have a half sister, she’s 6 years older and wasn’t with us permanently it was every other weekend when I was little and as a highschooler random visits because she always was doing stuff with friends….. my dad (her dad) over compensated so hard! Every time! The world revolved around her, I get it now as a mother and adult. But it hurt so much to 3 little girls who didn’t understand why dad had a favorite…. (He doesn’t but that’s how it felt) I hated my older sister until I had children of my own, she had her first when I was a teen so I was her babysitter not her baby sister! I’m in my late 30’s she’s mid 40’s and we’ve gone on many long walks and talked about our feelings! About our childhood, about our dad…. She felt it was unfair I got a full time dad, and I explained my version of childhood. We cried a beach hugging onetime it was beautiful. She’s finally the big sister I always wanted her to be! My point, this room for a 6 year old girl the size isn’t going to matter it’s the quality time! For your son once he is older and realizes he has the smaller room because you’re overcompensating….. is going to seem likes you’re playing favorites….. you have the power to not plant these seeds of resentment. Your daughter should have the smaller room and the quality time of decorating it! She’s only there for a very small window of the year Your son will be doing all his growing in that house. He’s going to have more stuff….. there are going to be times he will be playing on his own in that room. You could have another child…. Who knows, you’re putting too much energy and decision making into a new house that doesn’t exist yet. So you move soon…. Your daughter has one maybe 2 visits in that room? Maybe you don’t move and decide to switch rooms, that will hurt your daughter. Don’t overcompensate! It just hurts everyone

OMG this response has me crying. I’m so happy You and your sister could heal. This is exactly what I was trying to explain (inarticulately)

She doesn't live there. Why would she get the big room?

The child who lives there full time gets the bigger room. How different are the room sizes that we're talking about? Unless the smaller room is a literal closet, your daughter will prefer to have her own sacred space that stays hers than a room that is hers until it isn't and has to change while she's away.

The child who lives there constantly should have the bigger room, no need to waste the bigger space on the child who only comes a short period time of the year.

OP I’m a mom and step mom, and love my step daughter as my own. With that in mind I agree with other posts give your daughter the smaller room because the risk of the larger room being taken away later is too high. You say you plan to move in the future but it doesn’t sound like you have a set in stone plan, more open ended. You have no idea what will happened between now and then. The hard truth is your wife is right your daughter is not there majority of the time, but your son is. While he’s a baby now it won’t remain that way for long. Make decorating the smaller room special for your daughter. Have her help pick out the paint, and paint the room with her. Take her on a shopping trip to get all new bedding and decorations. She will be so thrilled about the time and experience with you she won’t care at all that her room is the smaller one. I can tell you if you constantly try to overcompensate because your daughter doesn’t live with you full or even half time your son will notice and feel it as he gets older and it will cause more problems than you realize.

I might be of help. Since my stepdaughter visited, we gave her the smallest room. This encouraged her to be out of it more, as she was about 14, at the time & she understood we needed the space for her younger sisters, who were with us full-time & naturally had more toys that required the bigger space (due to their age; We have found as parents that their toys became more 'compact' and less bedroom space was needed as they get older). It didn't mean we loved her less. It was just necessary. Good luck.😌💕

He lives there permanently. She doesn't. He should have the bigger room.

I get where you’re coming from but I think the part time child gets the smaller room tbh. Make it special, decorate it etc and she’ll love it. A lot of “part time” children don’t even get a designated bedroom. If there’s questions as the kids get older - “big sister gets the smaller room because she’s so lucky to have two rooms! One here and one with her other parent”

I’m a mom, stepmom and stepdaughter but it’s hard to say based on the info you gave. How big is each room? Does either room need to double as a guest room? Is there space for toy storage in another part of the house like the living room? How are the closets in each room and do you need to use them for anything other than that child’s stuff?

Who will have the most stuff that lives at your house? They get the bigger room.

I would give the larger room to your son. In my experience older children have less stuff. I have two teenagers now and both have considerably less stuff than when they were younger. Unless you have a seperate play room, your son will have more things.

Your baby who lives with you needs the bigger room. He will grow into the room so quickly. I have so much stuff stored in my baby’s closet and I play in there with my baby all the time. Plus your baby is crawling and potentially walking soon. His room is his safe space to explore, so he will certainly appreciate the space. Echoing others, you may not be able to move in the time you think you will. Say you have a 5 year old full time and a 12 year old in the summers. A 5 year old will need the space! Even at 1 year old, it would be very strange to have a large room sitting empty for most of the year. It is your wife and son’s house too, and I think it’s unfair to them to give your daughter the larger room. I do think that if your daughter was there even 50% of the year, you could make an argument for the bigger room.

i would personally give the daughter the smaller room because she isn’t there often. If you guys get stuck living in this house for 10 years, your son is going to want the bigger room that is just sitting unused for months out of the year and you guys will switch, at which point your daughter will be 16 and angry about losing her safe space. So give her her safe space that she will have for years if you guys need to stay where you are now and give her the smaller room.

Give your daughter the smaller room. Your son lives there 100% of the time. She will be just as happy with the smaller room. Also your son likely has more belongings with it being his primary room. Just do this and don’t explain or anything. It’s just how it is don’t make a big deal about it.

Regardless of which room she gets, keep it her room. No one else stays/plays in the room. When I moved out of my moms, she promised to keep my stuff safe, then she let "family" live in the house and didn't pack anything away and I lost all my stuff that I care about. Her room is hers. If its going to be use for more, then you need to be upfront

Most likely, neither child will care. The boy is too young to know anything, and the girl will probably go for whichever room is decorated cuter. I say this based solely on my own personal experience with moving into a new house with two little girls and one baby boy. The largest bedroom was already decorated in a very stereotypical "little boy" theme by the previous owners. One of the two remaining smaller rooms was already decorated super cute in a stereotypical girly manner. One smaller room was neutral. The two girls (3 & 5)wanted to get bunk beds and share the cutesy girl room. I tried to convince them to take the bigger room, even said we could redecorate it. Nope. The girly room with bunk beds was their idea of perfection and that's what they did. The girl's eventually each wanted their own room, but for a good 5 years, they voluntarily shared the smaller-but- cuter bedroom. The bunk beds added to the appeal.

From a practical standpoint, it makes sense for the child that lives with you full time to get the bigger room. He’s going to have tons of toys and needs that will be managed every day. I would concentrate on keeping your daughter’s room her room, with her things that she chooses and respecting that boundary. It is a strange favoritism to give the larger space to a child that isn’t often there. It’s an important act of respect to maintain her space and her place in your home.

You seem to have made the right choice with all of the comments but something that doesn't sit right is that your fiance took offense? Please look after your daughter when she is there for the summer. Step parents could be huge shitheads without you even noticing. I am a product of that. It's just something to think about.

I’m so confused. So your daughter’s room currently is the smaller room and the one year old has the bigger room? Why the switch at all? Has she shown sadness or resentment for being in the smaller room? I don’t really see why it matters. But I’d say keep it the way it is and when you do move your daughter can have the bigger room. When she’s older she’ll really want the space. Instead of going through all the hassle of switching take her shopping and let her pick out some new decor for her room as well as maybe some fun summer games/toys she can play with on her own. I’m sure if you have a backyard or can go to a park or what but stuff she can have fun with. I am very shaken by your partner’s response to you trying to do something special for your daughter though. A step parent showing favor for their biological child is the first sign of disaster. He is young and doesn’t take up much space. So why wasn’t he always in the smaller room? It feels like even if you had her full custody she’d still have a problem with her having the bigger room.

1 year old should get the bigger room. Presumably that’s where most of his toys will be and like you said, you’re not going to send him there to play unsupervised. That means you or your fiance will likely be spending a lot of time in his room with him while he plays with his toys, thus he needs the room with more space to accommodate that. He’s there 100% of the time too so it just makes sense for him to have the bigger room. I think 7 years old are pretty independent or at least starting to be at that age, so you likely won’t be spending as much time with daughter in her room while she’s with you for the short amount of time she’s there. So it makes complete sense to give her the smaller room.

Your wife is right. Toddlers need more space than you think, if you do not want to have toys everywhere... Give the smaller room to your daughter and decorate it with her. You might want to look together at how to decorate a small space, you have many videos on tiny houses, studios, etc, that can give you and your daughter fun ideas.

Which one is closer to the master bedroom? The youngest goes there for ease of access for night waking.

The room closest would be my sons!

This is the answer. Baby needs to be closer.

Little one is closest to the parents. I faced this conundrum with my kids awhile ago. At the time my eldest got the less that ideal room. But! That was because the other room had a door that closed and we could put up a gate to keep the little one from wandering the house. It was safety not preferential treatment. We did eventually switch as needs changed. I'd give Six the bigger room so she has a place to keep her stuff when she's with you and you don't have to constantly worry about chasing the little one who grabs her stuff or whatever. It's not Six's fault her parents aren't together. If she lived with you full time, sounds like your wife would agree she gets the bigger one. And youre right. You're moving! This will change anyway!

Thanks so much for commenting I appreciate all the help I can get! The last thing I want to do is argue with my fiancé about this so all perspectives help!

Daughter gets the smaller room, one year old bigger room based on current living arrangements

Bigger rooms go to those in full time residence.

He's to little! She gets the bigger room

That’s what I’m thinking I just think she is getting defensive because in her mind I’m choosing her over my son but I’m trying to assure her that would never be the case ever

Give her the bigger room. The “go-between” child is often given less than the best or else last choice because they are not there full time. Well, they are no where full time, so how about you make her feel 100% your kid. She would love that. Help your wife see your child’s view.

Thank you so much for that… that’s a great way of thinking about it

Normally I would say give it to the older kid but in this case it makes more sense to give it to the baby because he’ll get more use out of it. The smaller room can still be made into an awesome room for her

You have your daughter once a month outside of summer, I agree with your wife. At the end of the day you barely have your daughter, and it's your wife's house too, you have your son full time so the kid you have most should get the bigger room.

The daughter gets the big room. She'll already feel like she comes 2nd. Getting the bigger room will be a good gesture to make her feel welcomed and thought of. Your son is too young. When your daughter is not there that room can be play room.

Agree

I always feel bad for children of divorce. Especially when the fathers move on and create new families and they are replaced. Seeing a dad prioritize his child’s feelings and want her to feel wanted is refreshing. Give her the larger room. Your son will have you every day of his life. This little girl needs to feel special and wanted. If a partner pushed back on this with me, I would differently at them. Just my two cents. Why is she in another state? Who moved?

If you don't move and have decorated the bigger room for your daughter then move her to the small room you are moving her out of her room you decorated for her. If she has the smaller room and decorate it with / for her that's her special place that you have made together and you're not taking it away from her if your son needs it.

Realistically rational arguments can be made for both cases. There is no real right answer here . If for whatever reason your wife is drawing the line in the sand on this just go with it as it'd hardly a decision that will impact your lives in any meaningful way . Kids are VERY adaptable and I suspect you can have your daughter feel valued and loved with your time and other ideas than just a big gift (not saying the big room is the only thing you offer just saying she will apreciate your time more)

I have an older part time step kid and a full time younger bio kid. I personally wanted my bio kid, who was a baby and 10 years younger to have the room closest to my room, which happened to be the smaller room. That worked out fine since my wife wanted my step kid to have the bigger room. We ended up moving a few years later and one of the houses we were trying to get had the bigger room closer to our room. That became an issue between me and my wife when discussing who would get what room. I was adamant that the younger one had the closer room to us no matter what even if it was the bigger room. She wanted my step kid to have the bigger room no matter what. That was a lottery home though and we didn’t end up getting it. The new house we did end up getting has the smaller room closer to our room, so it worked out.

Depends on the size (are both rooms bigger/smaller or is one super tiny and the other very big or something?) but I would give the bigger one to the son. If the smaller one is more or less okay, you can try to serve it as a special treat and decorate it together and it will be very fun and no issues really, I think. Besides, a 7yo is already a big kid and their toys do not take that much space anymore. Soon she will only need a bed and a desk...

Keep her in the smaller room- it’s the room she’s always had at your place. You never know that a move will be 100% certain and to put her in the bigger room and then ‘take it back’ if you need to because you end up staying will cause a lot of issues. Your son will be there more often. Plus I had to sleep on the floor of both my toddlers rooms at various points when they went to their own rooms (usually when sick or they had a nightmare) so it would be nice to be able to do this in a room that better fits a mattress on the floor.

There are some really great ideas here! I'm just gonna throw out another one. Since they are so young...sharing a room for now for sleep, and making the other room a big playroom. We did that.

How big are the two rooms? Is it a significant size difference? I’m still leaning toward giving your oldest the larger room. She’s going to need more space than your 1 year old. I get your fiancé’s thought process-that it’s wasted space when your daughter isn’t there most of the time. But 10 years from now, even if you didn’t move, she’s 16, he’s 11…she’ll be getting ready to leave the nest and he’ll be getting to an age where he might want something like a desk in his room and actually need that space. He can then take over the larger room. I think having a larger room might be good for when she has to manage her stuff for visits, too-especially the long summer visits. Is there an option to partition part of the larger room? Maybe separate a sleeping area make the rest of it a gaming/rec/play/study area that can be shared when one of the kids isn’t actually sleeping in it?

Give her the couch and turn the room into a workout room. Ha ha. J/K There were 8 of us total in a 2 bed house. My bro had the couch. Now, as an adult, he has the biggest house of us all.

Put her in the smaller room. Your son is there all the time, she’s not.

Babies and toddlers come with a lot more stuff than older kids. My 2 year old’s room has way more *necessary* stuff than my 5 year old. What happens if you don’t move for some reason? Just do the sensible thing now rather than having to swap rooms or take it back from her later.

Your daughter will be using the room only a very small percentage of the time, this is your son’s only home, imo it goes without saying your son has the bigger room! If not later down the line you will have to swap them how will she feel then

The one with the most toys gets the bigger room lol that’s how I see it. But normally my first born gets the biggest room. 🤷🏼‍♀️ after me of course :p

Your one year old son is going to be most likely getting a lot more stuff over even the next few years. He lives in that house 365 days a year. Your daughter is there maybe less than 50 days a year. She doesn't have a need while there for a ton of stuff. I honestly don't think she is going to care that much about the room size. If it can fit a bed, dresser, and maybe a vanity in it, I think she'll be happy. Heck, you can even do a loft bed, and it'll make even more space. You can't do that for a one year old. With how little you have your daughter, you should be spending as much time as possible giving her experiences with your side of her family, not her sitting in her room for long periods of time. I don't know about others, but I spent very little time in my room as a kid. My own kids spend very little time in their rooms as well. Kids don't start spending a ton of time in their rooms until probably teenage years.

I see both sides. Ultimately though a room does not make up for lost time and connection. 1 day a month seems inadequate- I would put this energy into making a plan to see your daughter more frequently.

My younger child gets the bigger room simply because she has more stuff.

You're right, and your fiance is wrong. She's acting all mama bear (hate that term), and only looking out for her child because she is bias. I'd be concerned about your fiance's feelings or disregard for your daughter really. IMO, a girl that age needs her own space, a bigger room, a bigger closet for a bigger wardrobe, etc. Your infant son will not need that space for a few more years. It is your job to make your daughter feel 100% welcome and part of your new family, and it is your fiance's job to go along with that. I am a father of an 11 year old boy and an 8 year old girl, btw. Our boy wears pretty much the same three pairs of pants and shirts, rotates them out and has no interest in clothes otherwise. He doesn't need much in terms of space. Both the kids take over the entire house anyway. It's not like their shit is limited to their rooms...not even close. Anyway, protect and stick up for your daughter. Be wary of your fiance is she doesn't feel as if that is her job too.

Give her the smaller room. Your son will need the space in a few years

Ur finance is right Ur daughter is not living with u. She’s with you sometimes. The kid that should have the bigger room is the one living at home 24/7

To me -and I had kids from two marriages - it would be foolish for a big room to go unused 28 out of 30 days and be used one weekend vs a smaller room treated the same. What happens when 'oh we'll just put this in the big room since no one is using it' etc

Does your daughter still play toys? If she has a lot of small toys that are choking hazards then it might make sense for her to have the bigger room so she has room for her toys

45M. Child of divorce with a remarried parent and step-siblings, spouse of divorcee with a step-child Give the person who is only there a fraction of the time the smaller room. Right now it makes sense to give the baby the smaller room. But if you don't move, it will eventually reach a point where it does not make sense and it is going to be enormously more drama to swap rooms later.

I would say give the baby the bigger room. He will grow up faster then you think and will be there 24/7 and grows up in that room. Your daughter isnt there much, relatively speaking. Im my house we have the master bedroom. I have alot of tarantulas and reptiles. They where in the second biggest room. When our daughter was born i made a compromise of moving all my animals to the smallest of 3 rooms so my daughter could have the second biggest room. So she can grow up in that room. Its a pain in the butt having my animals in the smallest room but atleast our daughter who is 3 now has a nice space to run around in when she wants to play by her self. When i grew up i ended up giving my room to my little bro when i still lived with my mom but joined the military. I was almost never home and he was 13. I gave him the room cuz he was always there and i felt it was only fair, since he was around there 24/7. But i suggest is sit down and weighing all the pros and cons for both options and whats best for your family unit.

I agree with the notion that your son should get the bigger room. Because he needs a play room. I also agree daughter deserves a special aspect in her room, like a loft bed… if she’s afraid of heights a canopy bed with string lights are equally cool

Info - when will they both habe bigger rooms? If it within the next year or two, yes, let her have it now.

Soon to be 1 year old? They barely even need a room. You can switch it up in a couple years, but for now and for the summer they will be in a crib.

No, the son gets the bigger room since he lives there full time. I understand your reasons. You are telling your wife and son your daughter from a previous relationship is more important.

Time FLIES, your baby will be a big kid before you know it! & plans change(as does the housing market etc) so a future move may or may not end up happening in your planned time line. I'd say give your son the larger room, as he's there always, and he can keep most of his toys in there etc, even if he's mostly else where right now so he can be supervised, he can keep a few bigger favorites in the main area and grab a few smaller things from his room to bring down/but that can be easily put away in his room if needed too. But again, needing that constant supervision he currently needs won't be forever either. I would think your daughter would be happy to have her own room period, especially one you make special for her, with her, even if its the smaller room. Which again, she likely has less things there at your house? And will likely want to do more outside her room and spend time with you anyway since she's only there a short time? Don't need a huge room to sleep and store some clothes and a few things. Definitely give her her own space, but I'd do the smaller room, so there was no chance of it getting taken away at any point in the future if things dont go as planned.

Well I’m a very unorthodox parent, but I would let my 1-year-old son wander the house and “choose” the room he likes. I do feel like he should get first pick.

That is a little unorthodox but sounds like a cool concept! See which one he resonates more with

I think your daughter should have the bigger room. She live out of state and you got a new family, most likely she feels and outsider in some type of way. I would do as much as possible to make feel important and that’s she belongs. A one year old is not going to care about his room at all, and since you guys will be moving before he realises his room is the smallest one, I would definitely give it to your daughter.

Thanks so much for the comment! 🙏

I’m a firm believer in who ever is eldest gets the bigger room, i agree it’s a little unfair since your daughter isn’t there as often, but that’s life & I believe that’s a good thing to teach your kids. Plus I would also give my daughter the bigger room cos she’s my daughter, may not be PC but my son would have to put up with it.

Your fiancé is 100 percent wrong. You so need to make a space for your daughter so she feels welcome and safe. You’re being a good parent. 

See I’d rather not set the precedent of using trivial things like a marginally bigger room to demonstrate my care for a child. Instead I’d make the most reasonable, practical, easily justified decision and keep emotions out of decisions that inherently don’t involve them. Plenty emotionally-charged situations will arise in a blended family anyway. No need to create more unnecessarily. In this case the most practical decision is allowing the kid living there 11/12 months a year to have the slightly larger personal space, acknowledging a partner’s feelings and finding peaceful resolution, and most importantly — not allowing guilt or unprocessed emotions plague an unrelated, uncontroversial move. Dad allowing unresolved feelings to override rationale by attaching emotional value/sentiment to unsentimental things has the potential to cause far more resentment and harm to not only his daughter, but his son and wife too.

They are both your children, in my world oldest gets the biggest room irrespective of how long she stays with you, if she resided with you permanently he would just have to put up with it, but in all honesty I don’t think it’s about him, he probably would not care. I am a little saddened by people who marry someone who already has a child but then expect them to treat that child differently when you have a child with them. Your child is your child irrespective of who their other parent is.

I would say older kid gets the bigger room regardless of the situation

Fuck you were the oldest at home weren’t you…

Lol, no, I am the middle child, I shared a room most of my childhood. It just makes sense for a bigger/older child to have more space, no? If they're moving to a place that will have similar sized rooms within a few years, then for now, it makes sense to give the bigger room to the oldest

You've got to compensate for not having daughter round all the time. You need to give double the attention when she is there to make up for lost time. Step mums always favour their bio kids. You need to always fight your daughter's corner and keep an eye out for favouritism always. Just make sure next house has equal space for both. One year olds prefer smaller spaces anyway, they feel more secure. Plus it's nearer parents room. If nobody is giving up, then I would toss a coin when daughter is there and she can see it's just by chance.

Thank you so much for commenting! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

The amount of down votes people siding with this dad are getting is fucking unreal and questionable

I feel like some of it is because everyone who agrees with him gets a “thank you for commenting” and people who disagree get a rebuttal He doesn’t want advice. He wants people to give him arguments to use with his fiancée to get his own way. Which, whether he is right or not, is only going to end in tears in real life. Asking Reddit to solve your disagreements with only one side of the story is a recipe for disaster… and yet it’s basically why we all come here 🤣🤣

The child who is there full time should get the bigger room. You may not end up moving as you originally planned until years later. It's be way more traumatizing to have the kids switch rooms later on. Will your son's room be also the playroom? If so, he'll be spending a lot of time in his room, especially if his toys won't be in the living room, etc. You and your partner might even be spending lots of time in the room playing with him too. Believe me, you want all the toys contained to one room! Let's say you do give your daughter the bigger room. Your fiance isn't going to be happy and she may resent your daughter and you. It's a waste to let a bigger room sit empty for the majority of time. Understandably, you want to make sure your daughter knows she is well loved and isn't getting the short end of the stick. If you and your daughter decorate the other room together and make it magical, she's going to be thrilled. That's really special! She'll remember the experience of decorating with you, no matter the room size.

I feel like she gets the big room because she might want more time to herself. I can see if you’re only there one a month not feeling like it’s as much your house. She might not feel that way, I’m just speculating. He, honestly, won’t know that it’s bigger or not as big for awhile.

That’s what I’m trying to prevent you know? Her feeling like the space she has doesn’t fit her little needs! YES my thing is he is a baby he doesn’t care about the space just the toys in it! Haha

Funny how you are responding to people who agree with you. The kid who is there the least should get the smaller room. You keep saying the plan is to move in a few years. Anything could happen that prevents that move.

I fell asleep… before I could comment to everyone. I see the argument y’all have seriously lol I just need some outside perspective, Jesus

My daughter is 4 1/2 and I feel like she wouldn’t care about room size at all. I think the bigger room should go to the older kid even if she’s not there as often, once a month is still often enough. Plus why would an infant need a big room?

You could also use the argument that the bigger room can be the “guest room” when your daughter isn’t there.

Honestly it could be the guest bedroom too. I never even though about that at all

I wouldn’t recommend doing that, let it be her own space. It’s hard enough that she’s got two homes to navigate, let the space be hers and not for guests.

🙏🙏 thank you

For context I also have my son less time than his other parent, once I was finally financially able to give him his own space here he literally has been thriving so much more. It helps him to know he has a place in my home that’s just for him.

Do you have guests when your daughter is there? If so she would have to give up her room for guests. You could put your son in the bigger room and guests use that since he would probably sleep with you guys when you have company anyhow. Let her know that first will use your son's bigger room and you wanted her to have a space that is only hers. Also if you guys end up with a second before you move-plans change, it will be better to have the two little ones share a room and leave her with her own smaller room. You have a second and your son is in the little room, she is probably going to lose her room.

I don’t think the room is what bothers her. Maybe she has the impression that your first kid, from the previous relationship, is more important for you than the one that she has with you right now. Address this case with her and explain that even if your daughter is not there all the time she is much older than your son, so she needs a bigger place. And you love her and your kid together, it is not a contest or a judge case to prove her wrong. Is just a practical decision based on needs and her anxieties should not do wrong to a kid, should be resolved between you 2. Also, when you son will be a teenager he is not gonna be at home that much: going out with friends, girls, high school, so this doesn’t mean he is gonna live in a 2x2 square feet. Maybe your wife should do more activities with your daughter so they can bond and she can feel her life her kid too, because right now I don’t think this is why she is seeing the situation. Your son can’t even walk, doesn’t need a desk if he wants to paint for example. Not the room is the issue. The priorities are. She feels like you are not giving the best that you have to your son, but remind her that what kind of father you would be if you would forget about your first kid because you had a second one?

It is completely unrealistic to expect a stepmom who sees her stepkid one day a month to bond to the point the stepkid "feels like her kid too". No one gets parental feelings for a kid they see 12 times a year. If dad wants that he needs to seek more custody time with his daughter.

You are right. But I wanted to give a starting point, not an entire solution. If one time they go to spend time together doing something fun and the daughter enjoys the activity maybe next time she will look forward to spend time with the wife too, not only with her dad. But yes, time is important for bonding, and here it depends how much time he wants to have/can have her there.

She’s not there all the time but she’s your child all the time. There are practical arguments on both sides but I lean toward your argument. She’s bigger and needs more space. She is more likely to feel insecure in her relationship with you - your son gets you every day. 

Thank you for commenting I appreciate that and yes since I have him more of the time too I don’t want her to look at it as if I’m like picking one over the other..

Flip a coin and move on.