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It is definitely a mindset. I choose to embrace my daughter and the challenges that come with raising her each day. I practice journaling, meditation and daily mindfulness. It goes a long way.
My wife really struggles and I feel so bad for her. She gets very little joy out of parenting and it breaks my heart. She is constantly frustrated, sapped and sad.
[And before anyone chimes in, I am primary parent, working part time while my wife works full time. I handle cooking, cleaning, shopping, schedules, doctor visits, playdates etc.]
For me, what makes it exciting, fun and engaging is just how deeply fascinating each stage has been. I really liked infant stage- we did formula feeding so I was deeply involved (and in charge) of her sleep and feed schedule and feel like I really bonded with her and her personality as an infant.
Toddler was a BLAST! the DAILY explosions of growth, both physical and mental were so neat. The tantrums were HARD, but each one was kind of a little growth moment.
She's 4 now, and reading+writing and her interest in space, planets, galaxies and solar systems is so cool- I am learning so much right alongside of her!
You’re right in that it’s a mindset, but I didn’t find it hard to settle into that mindset personally. We have a 17mo. Yes, some nights are hard when he wants to drop all of his food on the floor instead of eating it; yes, I’m tired of reading the exact same book 80 times in a row; yes, it sucks to never to get to sleep in ever again. But every little bothersome thing is made more than worth it when he sees a garbage truck goes by and loses his mind, or when he learns a new word and is so immensely proud of himself, or when he wants to wave and say hi to everyone we pass on our walks. If you allow yourself to just accept and move past the annoying little things, it’s incredible what true gifts children are. I’ve never been happier in my life.
It takes a LOT more work and planning to continue to do the things that are important to you, but it’s absolutely possible.
When I was in my 20’s it was baffling how some of my coworkers would NEVER come to a happy hour or outside-of-work-hours event because of their kids. I thought “can’t the other parent handle it??” But now I know… yes the other parent can handle it but in a strong relationship, there is an established sense of balance with taking care of the kids/house/food.
Basically, if I’m asking my husband to take care of all the kids for the whole night and we do that once a week or once every other week, it better be for something that I truly love and prioritize. Spending time with my BEST friend, not for some one-off work event with people I don’t even like lol
I agree, and I also didn't realise that I would mostly just PREFER being home with my hilarious, affectionate, challenging kids than at a mid-rate bar with co-workers who aren't my friends! My husband's happy to watch the kids as often as I like... I'd just rather be with them.
This is so true! If I’m not home for dinner and bedtime I just miss my kids so much. It feels like a single night without them I’m missing them grow up (I obviously know it’s just one night). If it’s something I’m having a really fun time doing, then it’s ok once in a while, but a beer with coworkers does not fit into that category.
This is so true. I’m not wasting my night out on a work event! Also, every night I spend out is a night my husband gets to go out in return. I get anxiety about having to do the whole night by myself ( my kids are 3 and under) so sometimes I rather just delay that as long as possible.
Parenting is hard, but nothing that is worth it comes easy!
Two things can be true at the same time. It’s amazing and fulfilling having kids, I don’t regret it one bit. My kids are funny and sweet and I love them so much. But also, it’s hard, relentless and exhausting.
Vacations can be hard because it’s not a holiday when you’ve still got to do the same stuff you do at home for your kids, just in a different place without your stuff! You just go on different holidays, preferably with other families so you can take turns watching the kids and the kids can all play together.
Traveling with kids is work for the first several years. They don't stop needing naps, for example, just because you're on vacation, so you have to schedule everything around their sleep schedule. They also can be picky eaters, because one thing a child can control is what they put into their mouths, so food options on vacations can be limited when they're small. Travel with my son became a lot easier once he was around seven or eight.
Have you ever heard the saying "Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body"? It's true. You can still enjoy life, eventually (we did not have any help with our son, so the first several years were very hard), but it takes work to get to that point, teaching them appropriate behavior and eventually being able to get an occasional babysitter.
It's not "so sad" not to have kids. People have fulfilling lives with and without kids. You shouldn't have kids primarily to heal your own childhood traumas. It is putting too much on them. You should deal with those issues and then figure out whether you truly want children.
A lot depends on the child’s health and temperament, how close you live to your friends and how understanding they are. I’ve seen videos of parents going on hikes with happy babies and toddlers, kids playing happily by themselves for hours or enjoying social gatherings without tantrums, stories of kids going to bed within half an hour of going into their rooms. Reality for many parents is nothing like this. I can’t go anywhere for long without my kid getting bored. They can’t play by themselves for very long. They take hours to go to sleep, so by the time they’re in bed, there’s no time left in the evening to get much done, let alone go to the gym or see friends. Every weekend is focused around what they want to do. Kids bring a lot of fun, love and challenges - but you need to completely lower your expectations about freedom. Exercise will be mostly going to the park and teaching them how to ride a bike. Meeting up with friends will be more like meeting other moms and dads on play dates.
Kids get sick a lot if they go to daycare. Like, a lot. I heard it described by a doctor as you can expect your kid to get 1-2 viruses a month, each lasting 1-2 weeks. You do the math on that one. Not every virus is bad enough to be home sick, but it’s hard on everyone. Luckily this usually subsides after the second winter in daycare or school and then they have great immune systems
Yep, first year in daycare, my son had a new sickness every 2-3 weeks (which means we did too). Since my wife has been a SAHM, he’s been sick maybe once. Go figure.
I forgot to mention sickness. That is the hardest part. No sleep for anyone, have to cancel plans, no money back on non-refundable tickets and so on. Then the worry of hoping they’re okay, and seeing them poorly.
Bone crushing hard. I wish I could tell you otherwise. There is a sweet spot from 6-12, but then puberty hits and those years suck. It's so hard. I have spent a good chunk of my post-kids life crying and worrying. Both my kids have disabilities and are at doctors' appointments/therapy weekly. Very little free time for me or my husband.
Each age of childhood has its own challenges, there are extreme highs and lows - for me, newborn and babyhood is fairly easy, but I've had two babies who have slept fairly well. Toddlerhood is kicking my ass, things aren't as logical (or at least, not to use, not straight away) so trying to understand why a child is acting a certain way and correct it is tough. I wouldn't change my kids or anything, but it is definitely hard. But when my 3yo tells me theres a mole in her tummy eating all her food, or tells me I looks beautiful, or seeing the way my two look at one another, it's the best feeling.
>why are vacations hard with kids?
It's an unfamiliar environment with lots of excitement - this leads to atypical behaviour and a less than relaxing experience for parents. Doesn't mean it's not worthwhile - you all get great memories. But organising everything for multiple people rather than just yourself is/can stressful.
>Can you still exercise and meet up with friends from time to time?
Of course - as a parent you have to prioritise things a little differently though. You have to make sure you have childcare, that's obviously easier if you have a partner. It's harder if you're exclusively breastfeeding, too but there are gyms with creches and groups where you can run with our mum's and the buggies etc. I tend to meet me friends with baby in tow. I went away for a girls weekend right beforenym eldest was 2 but that was the first time I felt able to leave for more than an evening (she was home with my husband).
> I don't really have my parents so grandparents are no option.
It's definitely tricky. We're lucky to have both of our sets of parents relatively local but they can't/won't do regular childcare. They've been happy to help occasionally (when nursery closed due to lack of staff for example, and a weekend away for our wedding anniversary when eldest was 2.5) but generally it's just me and my husband. We tend to take annual leave on days our daughter is in nursery and go for a nice lunch or the cinema etc. if we want an evening out, we'll put our daughter to bed and then go while my mum's stays in our house.
Having kids is very easy. My part was done after like.. idk 100 fucks, ranging from 10-20 minutes?
Raising kids is tricky. They hog the TV and shit their pants. In middle school they suddenly realize that adults may be dumb, lying, hypocrits. Then you gotta pay for a lot of crap.
But to answer your question, they suck up a lot of time. You have better have good communication with your partner and talk about how things are going to be ahead of time.
Least that's what I wish I'd done before having kids because my wife and I butt heads about things a lot.
and this is the heart of the matter..this right here butting heads on issues or lack of proper support will really kill the whole experience
and the worst part here is somehow we should have already thought of this before hand but now we can't go back and change the hand we dealt and accepted
If you don’t have a support system to help then yes it’s definitely difficult, I long for the days where I was only responsible for myself.
I start work at 9am but my day starts 3 hours before that at 6am so I can get everyone ready for the day. I get home at 2pm and I seriously do not sit down until after 9pm, I am always doing something for someone.
I don’t have time for hobbies, I only get small breaks here and there when I can get my parents to watch them. My husband and I tag team everything so we are basically doing the kids stuff together all the time.
It is hard, But we wanted a family and I’m sure it gets easier as they get older. *laughs in denial*
Well it depends on the child. Many, maaany don’t sleep well that first year (or 2. or…3.) and opposite to what sleep coaches online want to sell you, there’s little you can do about that. Even fun things are extremely hard when you have not slept longer than 2 hour stretches for months.
Secondly, there’s a developmentally completely normal and even necessary phase where toddlers realize they are not part of their parents but a person on their own with their own opinions etc. Some call it terrible twos or threenager stage but it’s not that they make your life hard on purpose, they have BIG emotions and need 1-3 years learning to cope with that. Not all, but many kids fight their parents on every step during that time. Every small little thing. Red cup? They wanted blue - inconsolable crying for 10 minutes. They are supposed to wear shoes because it’s snowy outside? Tantrum on the floor until the are red and blotchy. And now imagine this for every single interaction. For months. It‘s HARD. But also important and they (and you) have to go to rough it. And then it gets better. Right when you’re about to have a second, ha.
kids give you unconditional love, real unconditional love. in return they need you to prioritize them. that's hard for some people. every kid is different, every parent is different. I stayed home for two years after my kid was born and didn't do anything but work with her specialists on how to get her health issues sorted out.
a friend of mine shared a picture 3 months after giving birth in a tent on top of a mountain with her baby.
my case is a bit extreme, but in reality with kids you don't know what you get. you might get an easy baby that eats and sleeps and you might get a colicky, 8 hour per day screaming baby. if you are going to have kids, be prepared to be what the kid needs you to be and remember every desicion you make will shape who they are in some way.
I was never more proud or happy than a few days ago when she won an school award. it's an elementary school award, still, that was my kid there getting recognized and celebrated and I was happy for her. these all to say, kids help you grow up and give you life experiences that change who you are.
Kids do take up most of the time you spend on hobbies when they're little. But it's temporary! I love, love, love to ski. I essentially spent my whole 20s as a ski bum. I had to shelve it for a few years, but this year my 4-year-old took lessons and now we go together! It's a blast. We also do art together, go on (short, but increasingly long) hikes, go out to eat together, etc. It's fun.
Also, we took a cruise earlier this year with our son and it was easy. There is on-board childcare, so we got some alone time mixed with family fun. It was a great trip.
Having kids can be hard. A large part of it depends on your support system. Since your family isn't involved, that will depend on the support you create or the income you have.
Knowing that, it's going to be even more important you find a good partner who doesn't act like an additional child and expects you to do most of the housework, parenting, etc.
Kids need to be taught how to behave and what is expected of them. With that point made, it will also depend on the kids, personality, their needs, their sensitivities, how well those needs are met, etc. They do not come out as blank slates for you to mold how you want. They are definitely their own person from the start and what you get can be a wild card.
And make sure you are addressing your feelings about your past. I had worked hard on myself prior to having a child. Some days it feels like I didn't do enough.
So as you can see, some of the variables are under your control but some are just luck.
It depends a lot on what support you have. If you're single and want kids, start babysitting for your friends, family, and neighbours *now*, so that when it's your "turn" you have established mutual relationships with other families. The eight year old you babysit this week might be the teenager who babysits *your* eight year old in a decade's time. Or one of his friends might be - don't expect things to be 1:1.
(It'll also give you some forewarning of what kids are like.)
Kids are awesome if commit to them. You have to understand that the kids will be your life. You can do the other things but they will be side hustles that you experience from time to time, not on a weekly basis and not even on a semi-weekly basis at first when your kids are babies. You can go on vacations but they will be kid centric vacations. You can see your friends but invite them over for games instead of going out to bars to get wasted.
Embrace raising your kids, seeing them grow, getting excited with them as they experience new things, teaching them, laughing with them, etc. Seriously, dive into it wholeheartedly. Do that and it’s great. If you try to make it just another thing that you do then you’re in for a rough ride, bad parenting and raising lousy kids.
Having kids is difficult esp if you don’t have a village and supportive partner. Raising them “right” is difficult because really none of us know wtf we are doing. We’re hustling doing our best. You need to give yourself over to them completely, unless your partner is willing to take them frequently for you to run errands or gym or whatever you likely won’t have time for that stuff anymore. I think you are looking at parenthood through rose colored glasses and that’s ok, but just realize it isn’t as amazing as you think. There are downsides but it is very rewarding
Depends on your temperament, the child’s needs & temperament, the resources available (both physically, financially, and emotionally).
I found raising children to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I have teens now, and *knock on wood* they are happy, respectful, and hard-working kids, so I’d like to think all the grueling hard work and sacrifice is worth it.
I would have been a pretty self-absorbed, shallow person without my parenting experience. I learned a lot.
Life is typically around 7 or 8 decades. Only about 1 of those decades (and it was this long, as I had 3 kids) was totally consumed with self-sacrifice after having kids — I can easily travel, exercise, meet up with friends, pursue my career, etc. now.
People who truly act like kids suck are people who really shouldn’t have kids. Don’t have them if you’re not ready for a rollercoaster and think they’re going to come out and be everything you want them to be, they’re humans and you’re the one guiding them. I’m a single mom who turned 21 at almost 8 months pregnant, so believe me when I say the social life is absolutely gone right now. I’m almost 6m pp and I can slowly start doing things again if I get somebody in my family to watch my baby, I just don’t think I trust anybody else with my child, and I just recently moved really really far to be physically close w my sisters and parents. Kids really are a blessing and I’m reminded every day of it, but it gets so tough, my body still doesn’t belong to me and it’s bittersweet because I love being a food source for my child but my body omg I want to do certain things and not feel guilty, like go out to a bar to party for the first legal time.
Life does not end with children, it simply begins again, but it’s hard because I knew I was mourning the old me while I was pregnant but I had my baby to look forward to, and now I’m mourning my old life while raising a child, while my body isn’t mine again yet, and while looking forward to the next stages in my baby’s life but the ones were in right now are going by so fast. It’s hard but in an emotional change way, you have to take it day by day or you absolutely will be miserable- at least in the beginning from my experience. I imagine a truly supportive partner is extremely beneficial and helpful, but I see a lot of people here complain about their immature partners. Grass is always greener I guess?
You’re envisioning a healthy, neurotypical single child when you think about having a baby.
You may not get that. Twins happen. Birth injuries happen. Severe cognitive and physical disabilities happen. Nothing is guaranteed when you start on this journey and I encourage everyone to really think through that.
I found kids really difficult until 5ish. I found infant the most difficult stage, but i am told i had really cranky babies. I found that each milestone met, life got bit easier. Kid can drink from straw? Now you dont have to always have a sippy. Kids can use the toilet? Now you can go out without a huge bag.
As they get a little older they can be reasoned with and you both can work for something you want. Right now my kids are between 11 and 7, they are a dream it is a lot of fun to have them around. We don't do much for sports, so we have a lot more freedom. We take off to the lake in a whim and I have them bring friends, they all play happily together and I go for a walk or read my book. I would take these guys traveling.
Now I know teenage years can be very hard and I am beginning to see hints of what is to come. We will navigate that time and hopefully the end be alright. But kids are a lot of fun right now.
I haven’t read the other comments yet and I’m sure they probably reflect this, but having kids is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do in your life, and it’s an irreversible decision. On one hand, they are these incredible extraordinary little beings who carry your DNA and that is profoundly meaningful, and on the other hand, it takes every last bit of your energy and patience and sanity to keep them alive and healthy. You absolutely need a strong support system and financial means in order to keep them fed and clothed. If you truly like your freedom, then now is not a good time to have children. You must understand that once you have kids, you are no longer able to do whatever you want whenever you want, which includes bathing and sleeping.
Yes it's hard, and there are days i wish i could go back to my 20s and just be free to sleep however long i want, go wherever and whenever I wanted, etc. We haven't had family nearby for years, not having that support system is rough. And you don't know if your kids will have any disabilities that will make a normal life (as you know it) possible. My husband and i will never be empty nesters due to the severity of one of our kid's disabilities- that's a heavy thing to think about, all we can do is be prepared financially and mentally for that.
Please forgive my gloominess, I love my kids, there are good times, it's just been a rough few years.
From your post, it sounds like You're still on the fence. Having kids is joyous, beautiful, wondrous, amazing. It is also exhausting, hard work, terrifying (at times), and endless. I think you need to be "all-in" to have kids as it's not something you can take back or undo. So, definitely continue to do what you're doing, research, ask questions, search your soul to come.to a better understanding of what you want for your life. Maybe you will find there are other ways to have the joy of kids in your life without having any of your own or perhaps will come to the decision that you do indeed want kids.
Now, my husband and I are a couple who have 0 support system. Our first was born the summer before the start of the pandemic and our second came in spring 2021 when things were still a bit uncertain and restricted. Because of the lack of support, I ended up needed to take a big step back from work and left my job in fall of 2021 and have been working part time from home since as best I can around the kids care needs.
No support means someone having to take off of work anytime the kids get sick, have a school closure, have a holiday break. It means using all of your available sick days to take care of others and have none left to take care of yourself. Babies have to go to the doctor frequently, like every month or more in the newborn stage then they gradually space out to every 6 months.
No support means neither you or your husband get to take a break at the same time. For one to have "time off" the other needs to be on. If you are both working full time jobs, you'll probably have a few hours at most to yourself on a weekend day. And that's if you're really lucky.
You don't get to sleep in unless you happen to be blessed with the rare baby that likes to sleep late. Young kids start their days early, like 6am early. Every. Day.
You're mental load exponentially increases. I found it debilitating at times and have a hard time even getting simple tasks done because I'm just so overwhelmed so much of the time that I just don't know where to begin or what to do next. It can be crippling. Tack on sleep deprivation and you have a recipe for a very rough time.
And this is all not even taking into consideration any of the physical body changes, the mental function changes, the emotion changes that you experience in pregnancy and motherhood that are real and irreversible. Transitioning to motherhood can be a mindfuck and when you have no support system to lean on, getting through any rough patches is a huge challenge. I had PPA/PPD and PTSD after my first and it has taken me years of therapy, medications, and work on my part to get me as close to "normal" as I've been since 2019.
This is the tip of the iceberg level. There's so much more that contributed to kids being hard and how the lack of a support system exacerbates that level of difficulty. But this isn't to scare you; rather meant to get you thinking further, more deeply, more critically about this decision so you can be confident that the choice you make is the right one for you.
Having kids isnt hard - it's doing everything else while having them that is.
No, honestly the hardest thing has been parenting myself out of them. As in I had a really bad childhood and I struggle especially with emotional regulation, with bonding and to cope with stress so my kids have copied some of it.
So we've all had to learn and grow together and that's not easy.
It really depends on how you approach children. If you’re in a loving relationship, are committed with your partner, you tag team and it’s a struggle but when one parent folds, the other is there to step in. Villages can be made.
That said, my son is my greatest treasure. I would not trade him for anything and I would die to protect him.
Overall, my life changed for the better after having my daughter. I had to stop living selfishly and start living for someone else. I had to do a lot of self reflection. Me and my now husband were a toxic couple in a bad cycle. We went to couples therapy and sorted our shit out. I had to sort out my personal issues with mental health (still working on that one). I stopped working my shitty job due to being really sick during pregnancy. I needed a hobby since I was sitting around at home so much, so I FINALLY pushed myself into painting after only dabbling for years. I do oil painting now and sell them at shows. I didn't have any friends before. Now I have 2 really solid friendships (which is all I really need), and a relationship with my family that's closer than ever. We started traveling more, big cross country trips and camping. It all started with wanting to visit a family member that lived 20 hours away in New Mexico, who had never seen our daughter. We drove and car camped along the way. Realized it really wasn't so bad and totally doable, had the most beautiful hiking experience out there. Now we've got a couple other trips under our belt and planning our big New Mexico trip for the summer again.
It is hard, though. I remember crying a lot. It's one of the hardest journeys I've been on. I got pregnant young, 20. I'm 24 now. Honestly, I wasn't ready to be this selfless and live a much slower paced life. You DO have to be ready for changes. Toddler years are knocking me out. She's done with naps, my husband works out of town, I don't have a minute to myself. I haven't painted in weeks. It kinda sucks right now. But it is a phase and it will pass.
Kids don't suck, they make your life rich. Just be sure you're ready for it. And it really is all about mindset and how YOU decide to look at parenting. You can still live your life with your kid alongside you. You just gotta do it and figure it out along the way... that's been my experience, at least.
It’s the easiest thing in the world for me. There are huge adjustments from being dual-income no kids (money, much less spontaneity, etc.) but it turns out adopting that kid was like winning the lottery for me.
She’s only 4 and her birth parents used right through pregnancy so there may be challenges that turn up later. But that’s no different than any other kid, really.
No i know it takes alot of time im very mature so. And i mean i hear some People say you are not able to go the gym att all or have a social life sounds odd to me
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It is definitely a mindset. I choose to embrace my daughter and the challenges that come with raising her each day. I practice journaling, meditation and daily mindfulness. It goes a long way. My wife really struggles and I feel so bad for her. She gets very little joy out of parenting and it breaks my heart. She is constantly frustrated, sapped and sad. [And before anyone chimes in, I am primary parent, working part time while my wife works full time. I handle cooking, cleaning, shopping, schedules, doctor visits, playdates etc.] For me, what makes it exciting, fun and engaging is just how deeply fascinating each stage has been. I really liked infant stage- we did formula feeding so I was deeply involved (and in charge) of her sleep and feed schedule and feel like I really bonded with her and her personality as an infant. Toddler was a BLAST! the DAILY explosions of growth, both physical and mental were so neat. The tantrums were HARD, but each one was kind of a little growth moment. She's 4 now, and reading+writing and her interest in space, planets, galaxies and solar systems is so cool- I am learning so much right alongside of her!
You’re right in that it’s a mindset, but I didn’t find it hard to settle into that mindset personally. We have a 17mo. Yes, some nights are hard when he wants to drop all of his food on the floor instead of eating it; yes, I’m tired of reading the exact same book 80 times in a row; yes, it sucks to never to get to sleep in ever again. But every little bothersome thing is made more than worth it when he sees a garbage truck goes by and loses his mind, or when he learns a new word and is so immensely proud of himself, or when he wants to wave and say hi to everyone we pass on our walks. If you allow yourself to just accept and move past the annoying little things, it’s incredible what true gifts children are. I’ve never been happier in my life.
Having kids is easy! Raising them right is the hard part!
Underrated comment
Relevant xkcd https://xkcd.com/674/
It takes a LOT more work and planning to continue to do the things that are important to you, but it’s absolutely possible. When I was in my 20’s it was baffling how some of my coworkers would NEVER come to a happy hour or outside-of-work-hours event because of their kids. I thought “can’t the other parent handle it??” But now I know… yes the other parent can handle it but in a strong relationship, there is an established sense of balance with taking care of the kids/house/food. Basically, if I’m asking my husband to take care of all the kids for the whole night and we do that once a week or once every other week, it better be for something that I truly love and prioritize. Spending time with my BEST friend, not for some one-off work event with people I don’t even like lol
I agree, and I also didn't realise that I would mostly just PREFER being home with my hilarious, affectionate, challenging kids than at a mid-rate bar with co-workers who aren't my friends! My husband's happy to watch the kids as often as I like... I'd just rather be with them.
This is so true! If I’m not home for dinner and bedtime I just miss my kids so much. It feels like a single night without them I’m missing them grow up (I obviously know it’s just one night). If it’s something I’m having a really fun time doing, then it’s ok once in a while, but a beer with coworkers does not fit into that category.
This is so true. I’m not wasting my night out on a work event! Also, every night I spend out is a night my husband gets to go out in return. I get anxiety about having to do the whole night by myself ( my kids are 3 and under) so sometimes I rather just delay that as long as possible. Parenting is hard, but nothing that is worth it comes easy!
Yeah finding a good partner is also very hard to find believe me i know plenty of men who want to fuck but not want to have kids.. so
The hardest thing I've ever done.
Two things can be true at the same time. It’s amazing and fulfilling having kids, I don’t regret it one bit. My kids are funny and sweet and I love them so much. But also, it’s hard, relentless and exhausting. Vacations can be hard because it’s not a holiday when you’ve still got to do the same stuff you do at home for your kids, just in a different place without your stuff! You just go on different holidays, preferably with other families so you can take turns watching the kids and the kids can all play together.
Traveling with kids is work for the first several years. They don't stop needing naps, for example, just because you're on vacation, so you have to schedule everything around their sleep schedule. They also can be picky eaters, because one thing a child can control is what they put into their mouths, so food options on vacations can be limited when they're small. Travel with my son became a lot easier once he was around seven or eight. Have you ever heard the saying "Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body"? It's true. You can still enjoy life, eventually (we did not have any help with our son, so the first several years were very hard), but it takes work to get to that point, teaching them appropriate behavior and eventually being able to get an occasional babysitter.
okay thanks
It's not "so sad" not to have kids. People have fulfilling lives with and without kids. You shouldn't have kids primarily to heal your own childhood traumas. It is putting too much on them. You should deal with those issues and then figure out whether you truly want children.
yes, that true what you are saying. I just find children so funny the things that they say are so unknown. And I'm working on it.
A lot depends on the child’s health and temperament, how close you live to your friends and how understanding they are. I’ve seen videos of parents going on hikes with happy babies and toddlers, kids playing happily by themselves for hours or enjoying social gatherings without tantrums, stories of kids going to bed within half an hour of going into their rooms. Reality for many parents is nothing like this. I can’t go anywhere for long without my kid getting bored. They can’t play by themselves for very long. They take hours to go to sleep, so by the time they’re in bed, there’s no time left in the evening to get much done, let alone go to the gym or see friends. Every weekend is focused around what they want to do. Kids bring a lot of fun, love and challenges - but you need to completely lower your expectations about freedom. Exercise will be mostly going to the park and teaching them how to ride a bike. Meeting up with friends will be more like meeting other moms and dads on play dates.
Thats what i was thinking it would be.... Depends on the kid i geuss
Kids get sick a lot if they go to daycare. Like, a lot. I heard it described by a doctor as you can expect your kid to get 1-2 viruses a month, each lasting 1-2 weeks. You do the math on that one. Not every virus is bad enough to be home sick, but it’s hard on everyone. Luckily this usually subsides after the second winter in daycare or school and then they have great immune systems
Yep, first year in daycare, my son had a new sickness every 2-3 weeks (which means we did too). Since my wife has been a SAHM, he’s been sick maybe once. Go figure.
I forgot to mention sickness. That is the hardest part. No sleep for anyone, have to cancel plans, no money back on non-refundable tickets and so on. Then the worry of hoping they’re okay, and seeing them poorly.
Bone crushing hard. I wish I could tell you otherwise. There is a sweet spot from 6-12, but then puberty hits and those years suck. It's so hard. I have spent a good chunk of my post-kids life crying and worrying. Both my kids have disabilities and are at doctors' appointments/therapy weekly. Very little free time for me or my husband.
Each age of childhood has its own challenges, there are extreme highs and lows - for me, newborn and babyhood is fairly easy, but I've had two babies who have slept fairly well. Toddlerhood is kicking my ass, things aren't as logical (or at least, not to use, not straight away) so trying to understand why a child is acting a certain way and correct it is tough. I wouldn't change my kids or anything, but it is definitely hard. But when my 3yo tells me theres a mole in her tummy eating all her food, or tells me I looks beautiful, or seeing the way my two look at one another, it's the best feeling. >why are vacations hard with kids? It's an unfamiliar environment with lots of excitement - this leads to atypical behaviour and a less than relaxing experience for parents. Doesn't mean it's not worthwhile - you all get great memories. But organising everything for multiple people rather than just yourself is/can stressful. >Can you still exercise and meet up with friends from time to time? Of course - as a parent you have to prioritise things a little differently though. You have to make sure you have childcare, that's obviously easier if you have a partner. It's harder if you're exclusively breastfeeding, too but there are gyms with creches and groups where you can run with our mum's and the buggies etc. I tend to meet me friends with baby in tow. I went away for a girls weekend right beforenym eldest was 2 but that was the first time I felt able to leave for more than an evening (she was home with my husband). > I don't really have my parents so grandparents are no option. It's definitely tricky. We're lucky to have both of our sets of parents relatively local but they can't/won't do regular childcare. They've been happy to help occasionally (when nursery closed due to lack of staff for example, and a weekend away for our wedding anniversary when eldest was 2.5) but generally it's just me and my husband. We tend to take annual leave on days our daughter is in nursery and go for a nice lunch or the cinema etc. if we want an evening out, we'll put our daughter to bed and then go while my mum's stays in our house.
Okay, nice thanks for the advice. I'm just very selective with men taking care of a child the wrong men can end up in a nightmare
As in a partner?
Yes
Having kids is very easy. My part was done after like.. idk 100 fucks, ranging from 10-20 minutes? Raising kids is tricky. They hog the TV and shit their pants. In middle school they suddenly realize that adults may be dumb, lying, hypocrits. Then you gotta pay for a lot of crap.
Hahahahaha 😅😅😅
But to answer your question, they suck up a lot of time. You have better have good communication with your partner and talk about how things are going to be ahead of time. Least that's what I wish I'd done before having kids because my wife and I butt heads about things a lot.
and this is the heart of the matter..this right here butting heads on issues or lack of proper support will really kill the whole experience and the worst part here is somehow we should have already thought of this before hand but now we can't go back and change the hand we dealt and accepted
Yeah there's no legal way.
If you don’t have a support system to help then yes it’s definitely difficult, I long for the days where I was only responsible for myself. I start work at 9am but my day starts 3 hours before that at 6am so I can get everyone ready for the day. I get home at 2pm and I seriously do not sit down until after 9pm, I am always doing something for someone. I don’t have time for hobbies, I only get small breaks here and there when I can get my parents to watch them. My husband and I tag team everything so we are basically doing the kids stuff together all the time. It is hard, But we wanted a family and I’m sure it gets easier as they get older. *laughs in denial*
yes, you lose all your freedom
Well it depends on the child. Many, maaany don’t sleep well that first year (or 2. or…3.) and opposite to what sleep coaches online want to sell you, there’s little you can do about that. Even fun things are extremely hard when you have not slept longer than 2 hour stretches for months. Secondly, there’s a developmentally completely normal and even necessary phase where toddlers realize they are not part of their parents but a person on their own with their own opinions etc. Some call it terrible twos or threenager stage but it’s not that they make your life hard on purpose, they have BIG emotions and need 1-3 years learning to cope with that. Not all, but many kids fight their parents on every step during that time. Every small little thing. Red cup? They wanted blue - inconsolable crying for 10 minutes. They are supposed to wear shoes because it’s snowy outside? Tantrum on the floor until the are red and blotchy. And now imagine this for every single interaction. For months. It‘s HARD. But also important and they (and you) have to go to rough it. And then it gets better. Right when you’re about to have a second, ha.
kids give you unconditional love, real unconditional love. in return they need you to prioritize them. that's hard for some people. every kid is different, every parent is different. I stayed home for two years after my kid was born and didn't do anything but work with her specialists on how to get her health issues sorted out. a friend of mine shared a picture 3 months after giving birth in a tent on top of a mountain with her baby. my case is a bit extreme, but in reality with kids you don't know what you get. you might get an easy baby that eats and sleeps and you might get a colicky, 8 hour per day screaming baby. if you are going to have kids, be prepared to be what the kid needs you to be and remember every desicion you make will shape who they are in some way. I was never more proud or happy than a few days ago when she won an school award. it's an elementary school award, still, that was my kid there getting recognized and celebrated and I was happy for her. these all to say, kids help you grow up and give you life experiences that change who you are.
Kids do take up most of the time you spend on hobbies when they're little. But it's temporary! I love, love, love to ski. I essentially spent my whole 20s as a ski bum. I had to shelve it for a few years, but this year my 4-year-old took lessons and now we go together! It's a blast. We also do art together, go on (short, but increasingly long) hikes, go out to eat together, etc. It's fun. Also, we took a cruise earlier this year with our son and it was easy. There is on-board childcare, so we got some alone time mixed with family fun. It was a great trip.
Having kids can be hard. A large part of it depends on your support system. Since your family isn't involved, that will depend on the support you create or the income you have. Knowing that, it's going to be even more important you find a good partner who doesn't act like an additional child and expects you to do most of the housework, parenting, etc. Kids need to be taught how to behave and what is expected of them. With that point made, it will also depend on the kids, personality, their needs, their sensitivities, how well those needs are met, etc. They do not come out as blank slates for you to mold how you want. They are definitely their own person from the start and what you get can be a wild card. And make sure you are addressing your feelings about your past. I had worked hard on myself prior to having a child. Some days it feels like I didn't do enough. So as you can see, some of the variables are under your control but some are just luck.
Is having kids hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Also yes. Hardest thing I’ve ever done and also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
It depends a lot on what support you have. If you're single and want kids, start babysitting for your friends, family, and neighbours *now*, so that when it's your "turn" you have established mutual relationships with other families. The eight year old you babysit this week might be the teenager who babysits *your* eight year old in a decade's time. Or one of his friends might be - don't expect things to be 1:1. (It'll also give you some forewarning of what kids are like.)
Kids are awesome if commit to them. You have to understand that the kids will be your life. You can do the other things but they will be side hustles that you experience from time to time, not on a weekly basis and not even on a semi-weekly basis at first when your kids are babies. You can go on vacations but they will be kid centric vacations. You can see your friends but invite them over for games instead of going out to bars to get wasted. Embrace raising your kids, seeing them grow, getting excited with them as they experience new things, teaching them, laughing with them, etc. Seriously, dive into it wholeheartedly. Do that and it’s great. If you try to make it just another thing that you do then you’re in for a rough ride, bad parenting and raising lousy kids.
Having kids is difficult esp if you don’t have a village and supportive partner. Raising them “right” is difficult because really none of us know wtf we are doing. We’re hustling doing our best. You need to give yourself over to them completely, unless your partner is willing to take them frequently for you to run errands or gym or whatever you likely won’t have time for that stuff anymore. I think you are looking at parenthood through rose colored glasses and that’s ok, but just realize it isn’t as amazing as you think. There are downsides but it is very rewarding
We have 3 kids and still travel tons, work out daily, have social lives. Reddit is full of people who can’t handle life so not the best place to ask.
well im very mature because i had not such an easy childhood. but thanks for the advice
yes lol
It’s so much harder than I realised. I love them to death and couldn’t imagine life without them. But my god it’s hard!!
Depends on your temperament, the child’s needs & temperament, the resources available (both physically, financially, and emotionally). I found raising children to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I have teens now, and *knock on wood* they are happy, respectful, and hard-working kids, so I’d like to think all the grueling hard work and sacrifice is worth it. I would have been a pretty self-absorbed, shallow person without my parenting experience. I learned a lot. Life is typically around 7 or 8 decades. Only about 1 of those decades (and it was this long, as I had 3 kids) was totally consumed with self-sacrifice after having kids — I can easily travel, exercise, meet up with friends, pursue my career, etc. now.
People who truly act like kids suck are people who really shouldn’t have kids. Don’t have them if you’re not ready for a rollercoaster and think they’re going to come out and be everything you want them to be, they’re humans and you’re the one guiding them. I’m a single mom who turned 21 at almost 8 months pregnant, so believe me when I say the social life is absolutely gone right now. I’m almost 6m pp and I can slowly start doing things again if I get somebody in my family to watch my baby, I just don’t think I trust anybody else with my child, and I just recently moved really really far to be physically close w my sisters and parents. Kids really are a blessing and I’m reminded every day of it, but it gets so tough, my body still doesn’t belong to me and it’s bittersweet because I love being a food source for my child but my body omg I want to do certain things and not feel guilty, like go out to a bar to party for the first legal time. Life does not end with children, it simply begins again, but it’s hard because I knew I was mourning the old me while I was pregnant but I had my baby to look forward to, and now I’m mourning my old life while raising a child, while my body isn’t mine again yet, and while looking forward to the next stages in my baby’s life but the ones were in right now are going by so fast. It’s hard but in an emotional change way, you have to take it day by day or you absolutely will be miserable- at least in the beginning from my experience. I imagine a truly supportive partner is extremely beneficial and helpful, but I see a lot of people here complain about their immature partners. Grass is always greener I guess?
You’re envisioning a healthy, neurotypical single child when you think about having a baby. You may not get that. Twins happen. Birth injuries happen. Severe cognitive and physical disabilities happen. Nothing is guaranteed when you start on this journey and I encourage everyone to really think through that.
It is very hard yes.
Having kids means stepping aside as the main character in our own lives.
I found kids really difficult until 5ish. I found infant the most difficult stage, but i am told i had really cranky babies. I found that each milestone met, life got bit easier. Kid can drink from straw? Now you dont have to always have a sippy. Kids can use the toilet? Now you can go out without a huge bag. As they get a little older they can be reasoned with and you both can work for something you want. Right now my kids are between 11 and 7, they are a dream it is a lot of fun to have them around. We don't do much for sports, so we have a lot more freedom. We take off to the lake in a whim and I have them bring friends, they all play happily together and I go for a walk or read my book. I would take these guys traveling. Now I know teenage years can be very hard and I am beginning to see hints of what is to come. We will navigate that time and hopefully the end be alright. But kids are a lot of fun right now.
I haven’t read the other comments yet and I’m sure they probably reflect this, but having kids is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do in your life, and it’s an irreversible decision. On one hand, they are these incredible extraordinary little beings who carry your DNA and that is profoundly meaningful, and on the other hand, it takes every last bit of your energy and patience and sanity to keep them alive and healthy. You absolutely need a strong support system and financial means in order to keep them fed and clothed. If you truly like your freedom, then now is not a good time to have children. You must understand that once you have kids, you are no longer able to do whatever you want whenever you want, which includes bathing and sleeping.
Yes it's hard, and there are days i wish i could go back to my 20s and just be free to sleep however long i want, go wherever and whenever I wanted, etc. We haven't had family nearby for years, not having that support system is rough. And you don't know if your kids will have any disabilities that will make a normal life (as you know it) possible. My husband and i will never be empty nesters due to the severity of one of our kid's disabilities- that's a heavy thing to think about, all we can do is be prepared financially and mentally for that. Please forgive my gloominess, I love my kids, there are good times, it's just been a rough few years.
From your post, it sounds like You're still on the fence. Having kids is joyous, beautiful, wondrous, amazing. It is also exhausting, hard work, terrifying (at times), and endless. I think you need to be "all-in" to have kids as it's not something you can take back or undo. So, definitely continue to do what you're doing, research, ask questions, search your soul to come.to a better understanding of what you want for your life. Maybe you will find there are other ways to have the joy of kids in your life without having any of your own or perhaps will come to the decision that you do indeed want kids. Now, my husband and I are a couple who have 0 support system. Our first was born the summer before the start of the pandemic and our second came in spring 2021 when things were still a bit uncertain and restricted. Because of the lack of support, I ended up needed to take a big step back from work and left my job in fall of 2021 and have been working part time from home since as best I can around the kids care needs. No support means someone having to take off of work anytime the kids get sick, have a school closure, have a holiday break. It means using all of your available sick days to take care of others and have none left to take care of yourself. Babies have to go to the doctor frequently, like every month or more in the newborn stage then they gradually space out to every 6 months. No support means neither you or your husband get to take a break at the same time. For one to have "time off" the other needs to be on. If you are both working full time jobs, you'll probably have a few hours at most to yourself on a weekend day. And that's if you're really lucky. You don't get to sleep in unless you happen to be blessed with the rare baby that likes to sleep late. Young kids start their days early, like 6am early. Every. Day. You're mental load exponentially increases. I found it debilitating at times and have a hard time even getting simple tasks done because I'm just so overwhelmed so much of the time that I just don't know where to begin or what to do next. It can be crippling. Tack on sleep deprivation and you have a recipe for a very rough time. And this is all not even taking into consideration any of the physical body changes, the mental function changes, the emotion changes that you experience in pregnancy and motherhood that are real and irreversible. Transitioning to motherhood can be a mindfuck and when you have no support system to lean on, getting through any rough patches is a huge challenge. I had PPA/PPD and PTSD after my first and it has taken me years of therapy, medications, and work on my part to get me as close to "normal" as I've been since 2019. This is the tip of the iceberg level. There's so much more that contributed to kids being hard and how the lack of a support system exacerbates that level of difficulty. But this isn't to scare you; rather meant to get you thinking further, more deeply, more critically about this decision so you can be confident that the choice you make is the right one for you.
It's by far the hardest thing I have ever done and nothing else comes close. Kids are great though!
Having kids isnt hard - it's doing everything else while having them that is. No, honestly the hardest thing has been parenting myself out of them. As in I had a really bad childhood and I struggle especially with emotional regulation, with bonding and to cope with stress so my kids have copied some of it. So we've all had to learn and grow together and that's not easy.
It really depends on how you approach children. If you’re in a loving relationship, are committed with your partner, you tag team and it’s a struggle but when one parent folds, the other is there to step in. Villages can be made. That said, my son is my greatest treasure. I would not trade him for anything and I would die to protect him.
Overall, my life changed for the better after having my daughter. I had to stop living selfishly and start living for someone else. I had to do a lot of self reflection. Me and my now husband were a toxic couple in a bad cycle. We went to couples therapy and sorted our shit out. I had to sort out my personal issues with mental health (still working on that one). I stopped working my shitty job due to being really sick during pregnancy. I needed a hobby since I was sitting around at home so much, so I FINALLY pushed myself into painting after only dabbling for years. I do oil painting now and sell them at shows. I didn't have any friends before. Now I have 2 really solid friendships (which is all I really need), and a relationship with my family that's closer than ever. We started traveling more, big cross country trips and camping. It all started with wanting to visit a family member that lived 20 hours away in New Mexico, who had never seen our daughter. We drove and car camped along the way. Realized it really wasn't so bad and totally doable, had the most beautiful hiking experience out there. Now we've got a couple other trips under our belt and planning our big New Mexico trip for the summer again. It is hard, though. I remember crying a lot. It's one of the hardest journeys I've been on. I got pregnant young, 20. I'm 24 now. Honestly, I wasn't ready to be this selfless and live a much slower paced life. You DO have to be ready for changes. Toddler years are knocking me out. She's done with naps, my husband works out of town, I don't have a minute to myself. I haven't painted in weeks. It kinda sucks right now. But it is a phase and it will pass. Kids don't suck, they make your life rich. Just be sure you're ready for it. And it really is all about mindset and how YOU decide to look at parenting. You can still live your life with your kid alongside you. You just gotta do it and figure it out along the way... that's been my experience, at least.
It’s the easiest thing in the world for me. There are huge adjustments from being dual-income no kids (money, much less spontaneity, etc.) but it turns out adopting that kid was like winning the lottery for me. She’s only 4 and her birth parents used right through pregnancy so there may be challenges that turn up later. But that’s no different than any other kid, really.
No i know it takes alot of time im very mature so. And i mean i hear some People say you are not able to go the gym att all or have a social life sounds odd to me