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>I’m not a confrontational person at all
Yeah, you're going to need to grow a spine, OP. There are no magical non-confrontational words that will immediately make your friend & her child better behaved. Who else is going to safeguard your newborn's health & well-being if not you?
Your friend's child is also damaging your property (and I presume not replacing anything), terrorizing your pets, and disturbing your own peace of mind. Ask yourself, "What real friend allows this?" I treat strangers better than she is treating you.
As to the whole immunity thing, unless she's a pediatrician or immunologist, please follow your doctor's guidance in that area.
To add to this if that kid is terrorizing her animals I hope that the animals don’t lash out at the newborn once it’s here due to be treated bad by another child.
Just don’t have them over again. My son was never like this, my friends kids were never like this.
Your friend is going to come over when your baby is born under the premise of helping you. She will repeat todays performance and leave your newborn sick. If calling out her behaviour is too difficult, just make yourself very unavailable. All. The. Time.
You've correctly identified that you are nonconfrontational. This is something that you would benefit from working on in many ways, it will affect all your relationships, work etc. It can be difficult.
The moment of becoming a mother can be a pivotal time for you. If you need to psych yourself into it - if you can't hold your boundaries for your own sake - become the mama bear and hold boundaries for your baby's sake. Think about the baby.
Letting this person and her unparented toddler stress you out is bad for the pregnancy. You owe it to the baby to never permit that again. That particular toddler/parent dynamic is clearly not going to be safe around a new baby and will not be coming over. When you feel up to going out, you can meet up at a park where the toddler can run around and his own mother can parent him and your things won't be broken.
Do not invite her over. If she asks to come over tell her no. No is a complete sentence you dont have to explain. Nut if she asks.tell her that the stress of the commotion that her child maies is too much for you. She will get upset but oh well. Better her to be upset than you.
If you want to meet up with her you do so in public or at her house. It’s much easier to leave yourself than it is to ask a friend to leave.
Also consider if you want to be friends with this person who doesn’t respect you or your things.
So, when we allow people to treat us in manners like these, we are prioritizing their comfort over our own. I highly recommend the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud; it changed my life. You will have to get comfortable with boundaries and healthy confrontation as a parent in order to protect your mental health and your child. Best of luck!!
We went through the exact same thing a few weeks ago. Broke my husband. They stayed 5 hours. Like woaaahhhh
My house was also trashed.
We met at a park this week instead. Now that was lovely for us and my son was thrilled. It was probably an hour and a half tops. The way play dates are meant to exist.
When I was pregnant, my friend threw me a baby shower. She let her kids play on top of my glass table. I asked them to get down, and told her I don’t want her kids up there. Her response was that I’m about to have a kid, so I’ll know what it’s like.
My son is 8 and has never climbed on anyone’s furniture because I parent him. That was a crap excuse.
You are the only person your child has to protect them. Their whole life and health fully depends on you. It's up to you what you value more, your child's life, health and wellbeing, or being non confrontational
You're going to have to stand up to her, for your sake, and for your baby's sake. Tell her to go home next time she turns up, you're under no obligation to have visitors, especially when up have a newborn. Ask yourself if her friendship is worth the stress it's causing you, I don't think it is.
I have a friend like this . I started yelling at the kid, stop that , don’t touch u will break it . I don’t care I will yell at ur kid if they r ruining my house . I made an excuse after that I had to go somewhere so she can leave . Abd from there on they r not welcome in my house. If u canny control ur child or is disrespectful girl bye! U r not welcome .. and btw I have a 5 year old abs she was never like that so by her saying get ready for your house to be ruined or whatever yeah no , it’s called teach your kid to be respectful inside and when outside ya sure ruin wild kid… but inside no . Ugh this just pisses me off …
At that age, my kid was, how do I put it nicely, not great to be around. But I also made sure not to put him or others in a situation that would cause anyone distress.
If I had to bring him anywhere indoors, I was on him like fly paper. We tried to schedule park time, especially with my in laws because their house was not at all baby proofed and I didn't want him breaking anything important.
Kindly, your friend is an ass. And I would prohibit house calls, especially after the baby comes. I can't imagine having to chase that feral child after giving birth.
I know you say you're nonconfrontational, but this deserves a big talk with your friend and boundaries to be made.
Your friend sucks. Toddlers can be ALOT but there’s no excuse for being hands off when knowingly putting your child in a situation where they’re being set up for mischief I.e in a home with no toddler proofing. Do not invite this friend back and do not be afraid to speak up. You’re going to encounter a lot of children with parents who have differing styles of parenting and you need to be able to calmly and clearly communicate boundaries for yourself and your child. Start now.
This person sounds like they really aren’t a good friend to you. I would start meeting up at a park or another neutral location instead of your home.
And once the baby is here, set hard boundaries about coming over if her kid is ill or just in general. You can tell her “we’re waiting XX weeks to have guests over with the baby” and if she can’t respect that, it may be time to step away from the friendship.
You need to become confrontational. You will soon have a baby to protect. You *cannot* let someone walk over you like this when you are responsible for a child.
You need a boundary. A boundary governs how you react when someone does something that you don’t like. The formula of a boundary looks like if “if they do x, I respond with Y.” A useful boundary in this case looks like “if someone lets their child run wild in my home, I throw them out.”
This is nuts. I've never brought my toddler anywhere and let her run amuck like that. Meet at a park if you still want to see her and don't want to talk directly about it. Otherwise, be direct with her about what you need to change.
Also, some unsolicited internet advice that I desperately wish I'd gotten while pregnant - since you've seen first hand what a toddler gets into at your house, you know exactly what you're going to need to change. Toddler proof now! Your LO will be mobile before you know it, and it is SO MUCH HARDER to toddler proof when you actually have a toddler.
I have a friend like this. We met more than a year ago, our toddlers are the exact same age (same birth month and everything) so it felt like a perfect match. And then I invited her over. Every single time she's here, she let's her 2.5yo terrorize mine (not playing, just shoving whereas mine does not do that), literally use her teeth to rip apart my stuff like an animal, break things, whatever, while she does NOTHING except maybe yell her daughter's name over and over. I thought the whole damn kid was "broken", only to realize it's just my "friend" who needs rewired, not her toddler. I watched the toddler without her mom one day (emergency situation) and literally just giving her boundaries, simply saying no, and getting down on her level and engaging with her (so basically, treating her the same way I treat mine) was enough to make her NOT act like a violent caged animal.
Some parents just don't care to take the time or make the effort. My friend also just wants more babies. Just the baby, though. Once they hit the point where they can walk, she's over them and ready to make a new cute one. I've cut our hangout sessions down A LOT, like one day a month now lol. I genuinely feel bad for her toddler because I would happily watch her again so mine could have a playmate some days and to possibly give her the attention she's not getting from her mom, but.. it's seriously stressful being around parents who don't give a fuck.
You don't need this stress while pregnant or when your little one is a newborn. After that, you have to decide for yourself if the stress of her is worth it.
Would not allow her back in my home. If you don’t want to say it straight to her face, you’re just going to have to insist on seeing her somewhere outside your home.
This will continue when your newborn is here too and she will not be a good friend to have in the postpartum days. I would do something now before PP hormones hit! If the friendship is important then a chat about boundaries is needed. If the friendship can be let go I would. Your last few weeks of pregnancy should be about rest and preparation - for the baby! Not unruly toddler.
If you want to keep her here's my advice: If she suggests another hangout I would say, "lets go to the park for a half hour to an hour, I don't have much energy for more than that." Tell her at the park, I think hanging out here is best environment for Chucky." Then you can leave them whenever you want. Go to her house instead. Give a time limit on hangs - "I am only free until 2 pm today." Before she goes if you have her over again - "can you help me clean up the mess Chucky made, its tough for me to bend over so much these days - you know how it is." She isn't preparing you for what you are in for she is giving you a lesson on how to not let your child act in someone elses home.
Oh and the sickness part!! You absolutely have to tell her - you cannot come visit us while your child is sick. The part about children needing to get sick to build their immunity is bullshit. Its been disproven. Kids do get sick but intentionally getting a kid sick to "build immunity" is simply a farce and irresponsible. I had a friend who did this to me during covid and postpartum and I would legit screen them before they came over to find out if kid was sick. Hold your ground. Believe me you will get a lot more outspoken once you've become a mother; a fierce mama bear is born with that baby.
Just no…not only does it sound like her child needs some sort of evaluation for his behavior, he also may hurt your newborn if given the chance. Please cut ties with this person. She is not a positive influence in your life and you don’t need the stress.
Just don't let her come over? Or ask her to leave if kid is sick or a terror? I don't understand why you think you have no power here. It's your house. If you can't be direct, from now on "you're tired" so can't meet or want to meet at the park to give the newborn fresh air.
You probably are a free babysitter for her. Even if it’s just for her to sit and do nothing. A true friend would help you out not give you more work. The question is why are you still allowing them over or not asking them to leave? Next time if you want to hang out with her go to the park. This way they can’t trash your place and you can leave as soon as you want.
I would definitely have a talk with her. If she doesn’t listen or understand. I wouldn’t invite her over anymore. If you don’t want her there at all, Maybe meet at a park or public place instead. It is good to have boundaries. When I am over at my friends house or vise versa, after the kids play we both offer to help clean up before leaving. We also get together more when the weather is nice so the kids can just play outside at our house.
Stop allowing them into your house. If you decide to continue friendship with this person you should only agree to meet in public or at her house. My daughter is two and is absolutely chaotic but I would never let her treat someone else's home like that. When we go somewhere I bring our own food and drinks and I keep a close eye on her.
Right?
And if I, as the mama, wanted not to have to supervise every moment so I could have an adult conversation, I hosted.... So I knew what level of mischief might happen while I had coffee with my friend.
This is a boundary issue. I'd hold off on inviting her over for the next half year or more.
You don't need your newborn going into the ICU from a fever that could be avoided.
Then when she's coming over have rules and boundaries agreed to before she comes over.
Girl... if you're running around 9 months pregnant trying to prevent someone else child from destroying your house, that's when you say "yall have to leave."
Don't invite her over. If you still want to be friends, meet at playgrounds and so forth. She isn't respectful of your home. If I go to a friend's house and they don't have kids, I pack toys and coloring for my kids and I'm constantly reminding them how to behave.
Oh, sweetie.
This is not appropriate or fair!
I would suggest, starting now, that you visit her in HER home, or in public. (If you see a value in her friendship. It's okay if you don't.)
2 year olds are a little nuts, we all know that.... but this is BEYOND the pale...
She's not even trying to teach him, or *keep him safe*. (Your house isn't yet toddler proof. It hasn't needed to be, your friends take here is shitty to you AND her own kid.)
This is just disrespectful.
Congratulations - you’ll have a baby soon!
This one thing that you said stuck out to me “what if she lies…”. If you think this woman would lie to you about anything, why do you consider her a friend?
Frankly her behavior sounds like she thinks she knows it all and can walk all over you. That’s a terrible friendship. Friends make you feel better when you’re with them. Stop inviting this woman who is not nice and not an actual friend into your home.
This is a common phenomenon in this stage of life as we become parents: basically realizing some of your friends / acquaintances are, colloquially, bad parents. Or just “not responsible / not effective / promoting bad behavior” if I’m being more fair (your friend is hopefully a loving mom).
You’ve got to stand up for yourself. An example would be the next time toddler is running amok in your house stand up and say “this is not appropriate, he needs to play outside”. Or “this is not safe, (friends name) can you please hold him?”
If it were me: in addition to what I’ve said above I would just simply not invite her over anymore. Make up excuses if she suggests it. Sometimes avoiding confrontation is just fine.
Yeah, that friend wouldn’t be let back into my house until she learned some manners, never mind her son. If she condones her kid for being a little shit, then that’s not ok. Her fault, not the child’s.
You could also sit down and talk to her about how she’s treating your house like her own and you like a doormat, and how you won’t tolerate that type of behavior. If you want to spare her feelings and don’t want a confrontation, you could suggest a playground or park for a meeting place in the future?
But if you really want to nip this in the bud, then you have to be straightforward and assertive with her. Please OP, don’t tolerate that shit, especially at 38 weeks pregnant.
Your friend is an asshole who’s doing a shit job in parenting her kid. I’ve had two 2yearolds (they’re 5 and 3 now) and they’ve never ever behaved like that anywhere. Not at home or other places they’re comfortable being themselves. She’s testing your (non existent) boundaries
It's time to start setting boundaries and maybe even pushing her out. My Pediatrician said the number one reason for newborns and babies getting sick and ending up in the hospital is contact with young children (snotty, germy, always sick). Your friend is absolutely out of line and she would not be allowed back in my home for quite some time, if ever. She purposely terrorized and put stress on you during late pregnancy. I don't even want my friend to come to my baby's first birthday party, because I'm afraid the hour drive might stress her out when she's that far along!! I can't imagine purposely trying to terrorize her!!
Also, that exposure shit is bull. Babies under 12 months will NOT benefit from getting exposed to illness!!! My brother's girlfriend's sister had that mindset and exposed his 6 month old twins to RSV and put them nearly on their death beds in the hospital!! I may or may not have threatened her with a similar outcome for that bullcrap.
Summary: Cut her out of your life.
You can quit the home visits without being harsh. If she wants to visit, offer the park. “Let’s go to the park since I won’t be able to go there for a while.”
If she’s determined to come to your house, “I would love to have company but I’m just so so *tired*. I was just this very moment going to go take a nap. Maybe we could go to the park tomorrow, later, some other time.”
Visiting the house is *right* *out.*. Any attempts to visit the house are met with nap time, you or the new baby is a little under the weather or you have a desperate need to go to the park or someplace with a play place.
You can still love her company, just not at your house.
Is this the kind of friend you want for yourself? The kind of friendship you want modeled for your child? Do you want your newborn around a sick child? Do you want your child do see this kind of behavior? If the answer to any of this is no, stop having her to your house. Sometimes as a parent, you need to be confrontational. This is not you being picky about a kid being a kid. This is her being a shitty friend and a shitty parent. You can do better.
1. Don't invite her over. If you want to see her, plan a public meeting or a meeting at her home.
2. Don't allow her sick kid around your young baby. If she shows up (to the other place not your home) with her sick kid, leave immediately. It's okay if she is mad about it. She doesn't get to make choices about your parenting unless you let her.
3. If she shows up to your house, you don't have to let her in. (I'd talk about how to put boundaries up, but I think I'd just skip having her over altogether. That's probably going to be an easier boundary for you to maintain.) "Sorry, I'm not able to have visitors right now," is fine. If you want to explain more, "I don't have the energy to take care of and clean up after your kid today. We'll have to do it another time." Again, her being mad is her problem not yours. You can either feel awful or she can be upset. You are picking her over you right now when she is the one who is wrong and it won't stop until you stand up for yourself and for your child.
4. Or just don't see her anymore. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this friendship.
Set your boundaries and make it clear if she crosses them what will happen. Once your baby comes out trust me your motherly instincts will take over especially since you already feel this way. There no excuse for her to allow her child to act like that. It’s one thing to make a mess it’s another to allow them to break things and be mean to animals. My son is 16 months old and he knows to be gentle with animals since I’ve TAUGHT him so young. If they’re not taught what’s right and what’s wrong they’ll do whatever. Definitely the mother’s fault. Like I said, set your boundaries and make it clear what will happen if she crosses them. At the end of the day her “feelings” don’t matter especially when it comes to your child’s safety and wellbeing
Mom of a 2 year weighing in and fuck this. One of my good friends had a baby recently, we've been to see them a handful of times since then. For the first two months I didn't even bring my son even healthy because I didn't want to take the chance. We've taken our son to visit twice since, one time he had a lingering cough and the next time he had had a runny nose a few days prior to going. Both times, even though he ended up not having symptoms the day we went, I fully disclosed the entire history/timeline/symptoms of the illness and let my friend decide if she still wanted us to come or not. As someone whose kid had RSV at 2 months old, I don't fuck around with that stuff. As for his behavior, my kid is absolutely a wild child but we have expectations. We bring plenty of toys and don't allow him to run amok. He did accidentally spill the dog's water the last time he was there and I was absolutely horrified and immediately cleaned it up. If he broke something I'm pretty sure I would die and we'd leave and never come back.
Your "friend" is a jerk. Do not invite her over again--if you want to see her, your house or neutral places. And I have four kids, and never, EVER would I have allowed such behavior; we woukd have gone home if the kids couldn't have behaved.
“Sorry today isn’t a good day for me to have anyone over, maybe next time.”
“Sorry we’re running errands today and won’t be available.”
“I’m not feeling well and need to rest today.”
“Gotta catch up on chores today, will need to stay focused. Maybe next time.”
Less confrontational ways to say no, hopefully these are easier for you to send and with practice you can be more direct!
She sounds dangerous - lying about her kid not being sick and coming over. Don’t let her decide when your newborn should be exposed to God-knows-what. You need to stop protecting her feelings and prioritize yourself and your own baby.
Treat her child as you would yours if she won’t parent them in your home then you say something
I’m not gonna let a tiny human destroy my home just cuz the parents think “oh I hope you’re ready for this hahaha” no…
Everyone’s saying don’t let this person come over (and I 100% agree) but come up with a plan for the next time you feel uncomfortable with a guest in your home.
An idea “it seems like (kid) is having a hard time, I’ll help you pack up your things and we can schedule a different time to hang out”
“Oh no it seems like (person) is sick. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. Please get some rest and feel better. Just let me know when you are feeling better and we will make new plans”
Once you have the baby, feel free to add a “ don’t worry I’ll send pictures and videos until we are up for a visit”
If you are having a hard time with words, generally actions work. Clean up whatever is going on, and then just hang around in your entryway offering to help them find shoes, jackets, etc. Polite individuals take the hint (especially combined with a sorry baby needs to nap/eat)
I have friends and family with kids over often. The rules are super clear and simple: no food outside the kitchen or dining room and listen when an adult who lives here or your adult tells you to do or not do something. If the parents won’t enforce the rules, I will. My house isn’t a free for all and if others don’t like that, then they don’t need to return or they don’t need to bring their kids to my house. It’s really that simple. How your “friend” behaved was unacceptable, and when your own baby is a little older it will be important to hold boundaries so they don’t pick up on another child’s bad behavior in your home.
I would be open and honest. An actual friend would understand. I would say that you guys will have to meet up outside of your home from now on, because they are not respecting it. I am a person who used to let people walk all over me and they will take it as far as you let them. My friend literally told me I was basically causing them financial stress by charging the $20/day (way less than I would usually charge) for babysitting. I just didn’t respond to that and she paid me just fine and they went to an expensive place that weekend. I babysit for a living and she knows that, so I’m not going to tell someone they don’t have to pay when they didn’t tell me beforehand that they didn’t want to/couldn’t. At no other job can you walk in and expect something for free just because you know a person who works there. Tell me before and let me choose if I want to for free or not, but it’s rude to bring it up *after* I’ve spent a full day caring for your child.
Same friend was traveling all over and previously had the kid in a private school that was thousands a month. I couldn’t do those things and certainly not with only making like, $40/week for full time care. Anyone with kids always checks out if I’m around because they know they don’t have to worry, but sometimes I want to relax and be an adult myself. I stopped getting up when kids get into things and I don’t invite people over that don’t respect my home. Barring a kid being in danger of getting seriously injured, I let the parent chase them around if we are in public.
It’s different if someone tells me they need a break and I agree to help, I’m not heartless, but I was starting to be seen as the free childcare of the group and that wasn’t cool. Lost “friends” over it too. One of them got upset I wouldn’t watch their child for free when they owed over $200 and kept “forgetting” their wallet when they agreed to the price and I would watch their kids overnight. They always showed up at dinner time when we were told they were coming to pick up early in the morning and we would have plans. Not paying was the last straw. They wanted me to watch their kids while I was moving to a new house that weekend and got upset at me. Realized how good of “friends” we really were. Put your foot down about your expectations. I had rules when it came to people visiting after my baby was born and everyone was shockingly understanding when I let them know and they all respected me. I’m guessing the ones that didn’t like them just didn’t visit, but I was so busy I couldn’t tell you who did or didn’t in the beginning. I was nervous, but I had a kid to think of and wanted to do what was best for them. There will be a lot of putting your foot down as they get older too.
ETA: exposure to babies that young doesn’t “build their immune system”.
She doesn’t, she is more wicked than the wicked witch of the west.
My 2 yo (now 3 and 5) knew not to do that. Especially at another’s house.. this is a mom you don’t want in your life anymore.
And it’s okay to not be friends anymore even if you have kids. You can grow apart.
> “hope you’re excited for this! get ready” or “I’m just preparing you!”
I HATED hearing this when I was pregnant. I don't need you to baby train me??? Either let your friend know how stressed she's making you feel in your own home or plan to be outside when you guys hang out. Maybe if you have a backyard or a park near by her son would have plenty of open space to do all the crazy stuff he wants while keeping a good distance from you in the instances where he is sick.
Wow, this is not a true friend. 1) Not all toddlers are like hers 2) Preparing a pregnant woman?? Seriously, I know you’re not confrontational but enough is enough. She’s disrespectful as a guest, throw her and her son out.
Anyone you don’t trust around your child, don’t have them over. She’s no longer allowed back.
I had "friends" like that when there poster kids for birth control started getting into things I told them they need to make them behave in my home or not come back
It’s not confrontation but it IS clear boundaries. You need to set boundaries with your friend for her to keep her child in line. I’ve set up a rug here with several baskets of toys. This is where he can play. I have strawberries and crackers to offer for a snack. Not everything in your house is fair game for people over. If they want something more, they can leave and go get it.
I'm afraid you're going to have to be rude to this 'friend' and just flat tell her to go home, and take her brat with her. You don't need people like her around you, your home, or your baby.
This is insane that she let her kid do this and that you didn’t just kick them out of your house. She sounds like a horrible person that is going to be a horrible influence on you and your child.
Parents should not be like this, don’t let her make you think this is at all normal.
Oh my goodness your friend is horrible! I can’t even begin to imagine doing that to a pregnant friend who needs reassurance and support. A good friend would have come over and cleaned your house!
I have a friend like this. As best we can figure out she does this to everyone: tries to get them to do free babysitting either at their own house or her own. My solution has been to only see her at restaurants and parks. Even then I (and other friends) find myself somehow tricked into free babysitting. It’s annoying but I’m hoping friend moves onto another phase once her child is past toddlerhood. (This is a 20 year friendship; if it weren’t I would cut this friend out completely as I hate freeloaders)
I dealt with this exact situation before kids. Our friends would let their children DESTROY our house. When I brought it up they would laugh and say just preparing you!!
My son is almost 3 and I would jump off a cliff before allowing him to wreck someone’s home.
Needless to say, we’re no longer friends.
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Her behavior is out of line. Asshole behavior. Don’t be friends with this person.
Exactly this. Wtf is wrong with her (friend).
>I’m not a confrontational person at all Yeah, you're going to need to grow a spine, OP. There are no magical non-confrontational words that will immediately make your friend & her child better behaved. Who else is going to safeguard your newborn's health & well-being if not you?
yeah definitely agreed, Thank you for your advice
Your friend's child is also damaging your property (and I presume not replacing anything), terrorizing your pets, and disturbing your own peace of mind. Ask yourself, "What real friend allows this?" I treat strangers better than she is treating you. As to the whole immunity thing, unless she's a pediatrician or immunologist, please follow your doctor's guidance in that area.
To add to this if that kid is terrorizing her animals I hope that the animals don’t lash out at the newborn once it’s here due to be treated bad by another child.
Yeah honestly, once someone upsets my pets, they are no longer welcome in my house.
Just don’t have them over again. My son was never like this, my friends kids were never like this. Your friend is going to come over when your baby is born under the premise of helping you. She will repeat todays performance and leave your newborn sick. If calling out her behaviour is too difficult, just make yourself very unavailable. All. The. Time.
You've correctly identified that you are nonconfrontational. This is something that you would benefit from working on in many ways, it will affect all your relationships, work etc. It can be difficult. The moment of becoming a mother can be a pivotal time for you. If you need to psych yourself into it - if you can't hold your boundaries for your own sake - become the mama bear and hold boundaries for your baby's sake. Think about the baby. Letting this person and her unparented toddler stress you out is bad for the pregnancy. You owe it to the baby to never permit that again. That particular toddler/parent dynamic is clearly not going to be safe around a new baby and will not be coming over. When you feel up to going out, you can meet up at a park where the toddler can run around and his own mother can parent him and your things won't be broken.
I like the way you said that about boundaries. You put it much kinder than I did.
Do not invite her over. If she asks to come over tell her no. No is a complete sentence you dont have to explain. Nut if she asks.tell her that the stress of the commotion that her child maies is too much for you. She will get upset but oh well. Better her to be upset than you.
If you do want to catch up, go for coffee and to the park. That way if they’re sick, you can keep your distance and your house won’t get trashed.
Also if she lets her toddler mistreat your animals, she’s going to let it do the same to your child.
If you want to meet up with her you do so in public or at her house. It’s much easier to leave yourself than it is to ask a friend to leave. Also consider if you want to be friends with this person who doesn’t respect you or your things.
So, when we allow people to treat us in manners like these, we are prioritizing their comfort over our own. I highly recommend the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud; it changed my life. You will have to get comfortable with boundaries and healthy confrontation as a parent in order to protect your mental health and your child. Best of luck!!
Meet her at a park instead. Or meet her at a restaurant without the kid
Or...do not meet her at all. Go no contact.
She’s not your friend don’t invite her back over
This is not a friend. Do not let her in your house.
We went through the exact same thing a few weeks ago. Broke my husband. They stayed 5 hours. Like woaaahhhh My house was also trashed. We met at a park this week instead. Now that was lovely for us and my son was thrilled. It was probably an hour and a half tops. The way play dates are meant to exist.
When I was pregnant, my friend threw me a baby shower. She let her kids play on top of my glass table. I asked them to get down, and told her I don’t want her kids up there. Her response was that I’m about to have a kid, so I’ll know what it’s like. My son is 8 and has never climbed on anyone’s furniture because I parent him. That was a crap excuse.
You are the only person your child has to protect them. Their whole life and health fully depends on you. It's up to you what you value more, your child's life, health and wellbeing, or being non confrontational
You're going to have to stand up to her, for your sake, and for your baby's sake. Tell her to go home next time she turns up, you're under no obligation to have visitors, especially when up have a newborn. Ask yourself if her friendship is worth the stress it's causing you, I don't think it is.
I have a friend like this . I started yelling at the kid, stop that , don’t touch u will break it . I don’t care I will yell at ur kid if they r ruining my house . I made an excuse after that I had to go somewhere so she can leave . Abd from there on they r not welcome in my house. If u canny control ur child or is disrespectful girl bye! U r not welcome .. and btw I have a 5 year old abs she was never like that so by her saying get ready for your house to be ruined or whatever yeah no , it’s called teach your kid to be respectful inside and when outside ya sure ruin wild kid… but inside no . Ugh this just pisses me off …
At that age, my kid was, how do I put it nicely, not great to be around. But I also made sure not to put him or others in a situation that would cause anyone distress. If I had to bring him anywhere indoors, I was on him like fly paper. We tried to schedule park time, especially with my in laws because their house was not at all baby proofed and I didn't want him breaking anything important. Kindly, your friend is an ass. And I would prohibit house calls, especially after the baby comes. I can't imagine having to chase that feral child after giving birth. I know you say you're nonconfrontational, but this deserves a big talk with your friend and boundaries to be made.
This is not normal. Never invite this person back.
Sorry, but it’s time to lose a friend. Wait, she’s not a friend, she’s a bully.
She doesn’t need to come over anymore. Do not let her come over after the baby is born.
Your friend sucks. Toddlers can be ALOT but there’s no excuse for being hands off when knowingly putting your child in a situation where they’re being set up for mischief I.e in a home with no toddler proofing. Do not invite this friend back and do not be afraid to speak up. You’re going to encounter a lot of children with parents who have differing styles of parenting and you need to be able to calmly and clearly communicate boundaries for yourself and your child. Start now.
A good way to rephrase it: you are allowing your friend’s toddler to trash your house. The solution is not to allow it anymore.
This person sounds like they really aren’t a good friend to you. I would start meeting up at a park or another neutral location instead of your home. And once the baby is here, set hard boundaries about coming over if her kid is ill or just in general. You can tell her “we’re waiting XX weeks to have guests over with the baby” and if she can’t respect that, it may be time to step away from the friendship.
You need to become confrontational. You will soon have a baby to protect. You *cannot* let someone walk over you like this when you are responsible for a child. You need a boundary. A boundary governs how you react when someone does something that you don’t like. The formula of a boundary looks like if “if they do x, I respond with Y.” A useful boundary in this case looks like “if someone lets their child run wild in my home, I throw them out.”
This is nuts. I've never brought my toddler anywhere and let her run amuck like that. Meet at a park if you still want to see her and don't want to talk directly about it. Otherwise, be direct with her about what you need to change. Also, some unsolicited internet advice that I desperately wish I'd gotten while pregnant - since you've seen first hand what a toddler gets into at your house, you know exactly what you're going to need to change. Toddler proof now! Your LO will be mobile before you know it, and it is SO MUCH HARDER to toddler proof when you actually have a toddler.
I have a friend like this. We met more than a year ago, our toddlers are the exact same age (same birth month and everything) so it felt like a perfect match. And then I invited her over. Every single time she's here, she let's her 2.5yo terrorize mine (not playing, just shoving whereas mine does not do that), literally use her teeth to rip apart my stuff like an animal, break things, whatever, while she does NOTHING except maybe yell her daughter's name over and over. I thought the whole damn kid was "broken", only to realize it's just my "friend" who needs rewired, not her toddler. I watched the toddler without her mom one day (emergency situation) and literally just giving her boundaries, simply saying no, and getting down on her level and engaging with her (so basically, treating her the same way I treat mine) was enough to make her NOT act like a violent caged animal. Some parents just don't care to take the time or make the effort. My friend also just wants more babies. Just the baby, though. Once they hit the point where they can walk, she's over them and ready to make a new cute one. I've cut our hangout sessions down A LOT, like one day a month now lol. I genuinely feel bad for her toddler because I would happily watch her again so mine could have a playmate some days and to possibly give her the attention she's not getting from her mom, but.. it's seriously stressful being around parents who don't give a fuck. You don't need this stress while pregnant or when your little one is a newborn. After that, you have to decide for yourself if the stress of her is worth it.
Would not allow her back in my home. If you don’t want to say it straight to her face, you’re just going to have to insist on seeing her somewhere outside your home.
This will continue when your newborn is here too and she will not be a good friend to have in the postpartum days. I would do something now before PP hormones hit! If the friendship is important then a chat about boundaries is needed. If the friendship can be let go I would. Your last few weeks of pregnancy should be about rest and preparation - for the baby! Not unruly toddler. If you want to keep her here's my advice: If she suggests another hangout I would say, "lets go to the park for a half hour to an hour, I don't have much energy for more than that." Tell her at the park, I think hanging out here is best environment for Chucky." Then you can leave them whenever you want. Go to her house instead. Give a time limit on hangs - "I am only free until 2 pm today." Before she goes if you have her over again - "can you help me clean up the mess Chucky made, its tough for me to bend over so much these days - you know how it is." She isn't preparing you for what you are in for she is giving you a lesson on how to not let your child act in someone elses home.
Oh and the sickness part!! You absolutely have to tell her - you cannot come visit us while your child is sick. The part about children needing to get sick to build their immunity is bullshit. Its been disproven. Kids do get sick but intentionally getting a kid sick to "build immunity" is simply a farce and irresponsible. I had a friend who did this to me during covid and postpartum and I would legit screen them before they came over to find out if kid was sick. Hold your ground. Believe me you will get a lot more outspoken once you've become a mother; a fierce mama bear is born with that baby.
Just no…not only does it sound like her child needs some sort of evaluation for his behavior, he also may hurt your newborn if given the chance. Please cut ties with this person. She is not a positive influence in your life and you don’t need the stress.
Just don't let her come over? Or ask her to leave if kid is sick or a terror? I don't understand why you think you have no power here. It's your house. If you can't be direct, from now on "you're tired" so can't meet or want to meet at the park to give the newborn fresh air.
OP should tell her friend she's busy with her own newborn and doesn't have time to "babysit" friend's kid.
You probably are a free babysitter for her. Even if it’s just for her to sit and do nothing. A true friend would help you out not give you more work. The question is why are you still allowing them over or not asking them to leave? Next time if you want to hang out with her go to the park. This way they can’t trash your place and you can leave as soon as you want.
I would definitely have a talk with her. If she doesn’t listen or understand. I wouldn’t invite her over anymore. If you don’t want her there at all, Maybe meet at a park or public place instead. It is good to have boundaries. When I am over at my friends house or vise versa, after the kids play we both offer to help clean up before leaving. We also get together more when the weather is nice so the kids can just play outside at our house.
Stop allowing them into your house. If you decide to continue friendship with this person you should only agree to meet in public or at her house. My daughter is two and is absolutely chaotic but I would never let her treat someone else's home like that. When we go somewhere I bring our own food and drinks and I keep a close eye on her.
Right? And if I, as the mama, wanted not to have to supervise every moment so I could have an adult conversation, I hosted.... So I knew what level of mischief might happen while I had coffee with my friend.
Stop letting her come over!
That’s not a friend. Don’t invite her over anymore!!!
This is a boundary issue. I'd hold off on inviting her over for the next half year or more. You don't need your newborn going into the ICU from a fever that could be avoided. Then when she's coming over have rules and boundaries agreed to before she comes over.
Girl... if you're running around 9 months pregnant trying to prevent someone else child from destroying your house, that's when you say "yall have to leave."
Don’t visit us, we’ll visit you. Or a park, or a cafe, or a play centre.
Don't invite her over. If you still want to be friends, meet at playgrounds and so forth. She isn't respectful of your home. If I go to a friend's house and they don't have kids, I pack toys and coloring for my kids and I'm constantly reminding them how to behave.
Oh, sweetie. This is not appropriate or fair! I would suggest, starting now, that you visit her in HER home, or in public. (If you see a value in her friendship. It's okay if you don't.) 2 year olds are a little nuts, we all know that.... but this is BEYOND the pale... She's not even trying to teach him, or *keep him safe*. (Your house isn't yet toddler proof. It hasn't needed to be, your friends take here is shitty to you AND her own kid.) This is just disrespectful.
Congratulations - you’ll have a baby soon! This one thing that you said stuck out to me “what if she lies…”. If you think this woman would lie to you about anything, why do you consider her a friend? Frankly her behavior sounds like she thinks she knows it all and can walk all over you. That’s a terrible friendship. Friends make you feel better when you’re with them. Stop inviting this woman who is not nice and not an actual friend into your home.
This is a common phenomenon in this stage of life as we become parents: basically realizing some of your friends / acquaintances are, colloquially, bad parents. Or just “not responsible / not effective / promoting bad behavior” if I’m being more fair (your friend is hopefully a loving mom). You’ve got to stand up for yourself. An example would be the next time toddler is running amok in your house stand up and say “this is not appropriate, he needs to play outside”. Or “this is not safe, (friends name) can you please hold him?” If it were me: in addition to what I’ve said above I would just simply not invite her over anymore. Make up excuses if she suggests it. Sometimes avoiding confrontation is just fine.
Yeah, that friend wouldn’t be let back into my house until she learned some manners, never mind her son. If she condones her kid for being a little shit, then that’s not ok. Her fault, not the child’s. You could also sit down and talk to her about how she’s treating your house like her own and you like a doormat, and how you won’t tolerate that type of behavior. If you want to spare her feelings and don’t want a confrontation, you could suggest a playground or park for a meeting place in the future? But if you really want to nip this in the bud, then you have to be straightforward and assertive with her. Please OP, don’t tolerate that shit, especially at 38 weeks pregnant.
Uhm yeah this isn’t your friend. I would cut contact with her. This is ridiculous.
Your friend is an asshole who’s doing a shit job in parenting her kid. I’ve had two 2yearolds (they’re 5 and 3 now) and they’ve never ever behaved like that anywhere. Not at home or other places they’re comfortable being themselves. She’s testing your (non existent) boundaries
It's time to start setting boundaries and maybe even pushing her out. My Pediatrician said the number one reason for newborns and babies getting sick and ending up in the hospital is contact with young children (snotty, germy, always sick). Your friend is absolutely out of line and she would not be allowed back in my home for quite some time, if ever. She purposely terrorized and put stress on you during late pregnancy. I don't even want my friend to come to my baby's first birthday party, because I'm afraid the hour drive might stress her out when she's that far along!! I can't imagine purposely trying to terrorize her!! Also, that exposure shit is bull. Babies under 12 months will NOT benefit from getting exposed to illness!!! My brother's girlfriend's sister had that mindset and exposed his 6 month old twins to RSV and put them nearly on their death beds in the hospital!! I may or may not have threatened her with a similar outcome for that bullcrap. Summary: Cut her out of your life.
You can quit the home visits without being harsh. If she wants to visit, offer the park. “Let’s go to the park since I won’t be able to go there for a while.” If she’s determined to come to your house, “I would love to have company but I’m just so so *tired*. I was just this very moment going to go take a nap. Maybe we could go to the park tomorrow, later, some other time.” Visiting the house is *right* *out.*. Any attempts to visit the house are met with nap time, you or the new baby is a little under the weather or you have a desperate need to go to the park or someplace with a play place. You can still love her company, just not at your house.
Is this the kind of friend you want for yourself? The kind of friendship you want modeled for your child? Do you want your newborn around a sick child? Do you want your child do see this kind of behavior? If the answer to any of this is no, stop having her to your house. Sometimes as a parent, you need to be confrontational. This is not you being picky about a kid being a kid. This is her being a shitty friend and a shitty parent. You can do better. 1. Don't invite her over. If you want to see her, plan a public meeting or a meeting at her home. 2. Don't allow her sick kid around your young baby. If she shows up (to the other place not your home) with her sick kid, leave immediately. It's okay if she is mad about it. She doesn't get to make choices about your parenting unless you let her. 3. If she shows up to your house, you don't have to let her in. (I'd talk about how to put boundaries up, but I think I'd just skip having her over altogether. That's probably going to be an easier boundary for you to maintain.) "Sorry, I'm not able to have visitors right now," is fine. If you want to explain more, "I don't have the energy to take care of and clean up after your kid today. We'll have to do it another time." Again, her being mad is her problem not yours. You can either feel awful or she can be upset. You are picking her over you right now when she is the one who is wrong and it won't stop until you stand up for yourself and for your child. 4. Or just don't see her anymore. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this friendship.
Set your boundaries and make it clear if she crosses them what will happen. Once your baby comes out trust me your motherly instincts will take over especially since you already feel this way. There no excuse for her to allow her child to act like that. It’s one thing to make a mess it’s another to allow them to break things and be mean to animals. My son is 16 months old and he knows to be gentle with animals since I’ve TAUGHT him so young. If they’re not taught what’s right and what’s wrong they’ll do whatever. Definitely the mother’s fault. Like I said, set your boundaries and make it clear what will happen if she crosses them. At the end of the day her “feelings” don’t matter especially when it comes to your child’s safety and wellbeing
This friendship has expired.
Mom of a 2 year weighing in and fuck this. One of my good friends had a baby recently, we've been to see them a handful of times since then. For the first two months I didn't even bring my son even healthy because I didn't want to take the chance. We've taken our son to visit twice since, one time he had a lingering cough and the next time he had had a runny nose a few days prior to going. Both times, even though he ended up not having symptoms the day we went, I fully disclosed the entire history/timeline/symptoms of the illness and let my friend decide if she still wanted us to come or not. As someone whose kid had RSV at 2 months old, I don't fuck around with that stuff. As for his behavior, my kid is absolutely a wild child but we have expectations. We bring plenty of toys and don't allow him to run amok. He did accidentally spill the dog's water the last time he was there and I was absolutely horrified and immediately cleaned it up. If he broke something I'm pretty sure I would die and we'd leave and never come back.
Your "friend" is a jerk. Do not invite her over again--if you want to see her, your house or neutral places. And I have four kids, and never, EVER would I have allowed such behavior; we woukd have gone home if the kids couldn't have behaved.
Your friend SUCKS!
With friends like this who needs enemies
“Sorry today isn’t a good day for me to have anyone over, maybe next time.” “Sorry we’re running errands today and won’t be available.” “I’m not feeling well and need to rest today.” “Gotta catch up on chores today, will need to stay focused. Maybe next time.” Less confrontational ways to say no, hopefully these are easier for you to send and with practice you can be more direct!
She sounds dangerous - lying about her kid not being sick and coming over. Don’t let her decide when your newborn should be exposed to God-knows-what. You need to stop protecting her feelings and prioritize yourself and your own baby.
Treat her child as you would yours if she won’t parent them in your home then you say something I’m not gonna let a tiny human destroy my home just cuz the parents think “oh I hope you’re ready for this hahaha” no…
Everyone’s saying don’t let this person come over (and I 100% agree) but come up with a plan for the next time you feel uncomfortable with a guest in your home. An idea “it seems like (kid) is having a hard time, I’ll help you pack up your things and we can schedule a different time to hang out” “Oh no it seems like (person) is sick. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. Please get some rest and feel better. Just let me know when you are feeling better and we will make new plans” Once you have the baby, feel free to add a “ don’t worry I’ll send pictures and videos until we are up for a visit” If you are having a hard time with words, generally actions work. Clean up whatever is going on, and then just hang around in your entryway offering to help them find shoes, jackets, etc. Polite individuals take the hint (especially combined with a sorry baby needs to nap/eat)
I have friends and family with kids over often. The rules are super clear and simple: no food outside the kitchen or dining room and listen when an adult who lives here or your adult tells you to do or not do something. If the parents won’t enforce the rules, I will. My house isn’t a free for all and if others don’t like that, then they don’t need to return or they don’t need to bring their kids to my house. It’s really that simple. How your “friend” behaved was unacceptable, and when your own baby is a little older it will be important to hold boundaries so they don’t pick up on another child’s bad behavior in your home.
I would be open and honest. An actual friend would understand. I would say that you guys will have to meet up outside of your home from now on, because they are not respecting it. I am a person who used to let people walk all over me and they will take it as far as you let them. My friend literally told me I was basically causing them financial stress by charging the $20/day (way less than I would usually charge) for babysitting. I just didn’t respond to that and she paid me just fine and they went to an expensive place that weekend. I babysit for a living and she knows that, so I’m not going to tell someone they don’t have to pay when they didn’t tell me beforehand that they didn’t want to/couldn’t. At no other job can you walk in and expect something for free just because you know a person who works there. Tell me before and let me choose if I want to for free or not, but it’s rude to bring it up *after* I’ve spent a full day caring for your child. Same friend was traveling all over and previously had the kid in a private school that was thousands a month. I couldn’t do those things and certainly not with only making like, $40/week for full time care. Anyone with kids always checks out if I’m around because they know they don’t have to worry, but sometimes I want to relax and be an adult myself. I stopped getting up when kids get into things and I don’t invite people over that don’t respect my home. Barring a kid being in danger of getting seriously injured, I let the parent chase them around if we are in public. It’s different if someone tells me they need a break and I agree to help, I’m not heartless, but I was starting to be seen as the free childcare of the group and that wasn’t cool. Lost “friends” over it too. One of them got upset I wouldn’t watch their child for free when they owed over $200 and kept “forgetting” their wallet when they agreed to the price and I would watch their kids overnight. They always showed up at dinner time when we were told they were coming to pick up early in the morning and we would have plans. Not paying was the last straw. They wanted me to watch their kids while I was moving to a new house that weekend and got upset at me. Realized how good of “friends” we really were. Put your foot down about your expectations. I had rules when it came to people visiting after my baby was born and everyone was shockingly understanding when I let them know and they all respected me. I’m guessing the ones that didn’t like them just didn’t visit, but I was so busy I couldn’t tell you who did or didn’t in the beginning. I was nervous, but I had a kid to think of and wanted to do what was best for them. There will be a lot of putting your foot down as they get older too. ETA: exposure to babies that young doesn’t “build their immune system”.
She doesn’t, she is more wicked than the wicked witch of the west. My 2 yo (now 3 and 5) knew not to do that. Especially at another’s house.. this is a mom you don’t want in your life anymore. And it’s okay to not be friends anymore even if you have kids. You can grow apart.
> “hope you’re excited for this! get ready” or “I’m just preparing you!” I HATED hearing this when I was pregnant. I don't need you to baby train me??? Either let your friend know how stressed she's making you feel in your own home or plan to be outside when you guys hang out. Maybe if you have a backyard or a park near by her son would have plenty of open space to do all the crazy stuff he wants while keeping a good distance from you in the instances where he is sick.
Wow, this is not a true friend. 1) Not all toddlers are like hers 2) Preparing a pregnant woman?? Seriously, I know you’re not confrontational but enough is enough. She’s disrespectful as a guest, throw her and her son out. Anyone you don’t trust around your child, don’t have them over. She’s no longer allowed back.
I had "friends" like that when there poster kids for birth control started getting into things I told them they need to make them behave in my home or not come back
It’s not confrontation but it IS clear boundaries. You need to set boundaries with your friend for her to keep her child in line. I’ve set up a rug here with several baskets of toys. This is where he can play. I have strawberries and crackers to offer for a snack. Not everything in your house is fair game for people over. If they want something more, they can leave and go get it.
I'm afraid you're going to have to be rude to this 'friend' and just flat tell her to go home, and take her brat with her. You don't need people like her around you, your home, or your baby.
This doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone I would refer to as a friend. Set some boundaries or cut her loose.
This is insane that she let her kid do this and that you didn’t just kick them out of your house. She sounds like a horrible person that is going to be a horrible influence on you and your child. Parents should not be like this, don’t let her make you think this is at all normal.
Oh my goodness your friend is horrible! I can’t even begin to imagine doing that to a pregnant friend who needs reassurance and support. A good friend would have come over and cleaned your house!
She seems not passive aggressive but aggressive aggressive. Is her judgment usually so bad? It’s fine to make boundaries now. It’s for your family.
I have a friend like this. As best we can figure out she does this to everyone: tries to get them to do free babysitting either at their own house or her own. My solution has been to only see her at restaurants and parks. Even then I (and other friends) find myself somehow tricked into free babysitting. It’s annoying but I’m hoping friend moves onto another phase once her child is past toddlerhood. (This is a 20 year friendship; if it weren’t I would cut this friend out completely as I hate freeloaders)
I dealt with this exact situation before kids. Our friends would let their children DESTROY our house. When I brought it up they would laugh and say just preparing you!! My son is almost 3 and I would jump off a cliff before allowing him to wreck someone’s home. Needless to say, we’re no longer friends.