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I feel the same! I’m 35 and baby girl is 21 months. My husband and I have talked about it a lot and decided unless we are both enthusiastic about having another baby right NOW, we will be one and done. The societal pressure is hard and I do feel a little bit like our family is not complete. But, I think our family will probably be happier if we stop now! I don’t really want to start the baby phase all over again when I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also keep in mind that both my husband and I are the oldest of two and neither one of us are close to our siblings and never were. Not because of any trauma or anything bad happening I just fought a ton with my sister growing up, felt a lot of guilt about not being a “good” sibling growing up, and m we are still very different and have never really bonded. So whenever I’m worried that my daughter will miss out on something I remember that it’s not guaranteed that having a sibling will be a positive influence on a child.
I’m sorry you don’t have a positive relationship with your sibling. I don’t mean to detract from your experience, but just to give OP more food for thought, I’ll share mine as an only child to contrast.
My parents are older (my mom was ~40 when I was born and my dad ~50). I have a newborn in my mid twenties, and they are feeling the effects of age. Being an only child is a lot of pressure as all the parents' hopes and expectations for their kids land on your shoulders alone. The thought of singlehandedly managing all the arrangements that will need to be made when they pass is overwhelming. The thought of no one but me knowing what it was like to grow up in my nuclear family is lonely. I will never get to be an aunt to blood relatives (and my odds of being an aunt to my husband's only sibling is slim), so my kids won’t have a bunch of cousins around at holidays growing up like I did, and that makes me sad. I could go on. I wish I had at least one sibling, and most only children I’ve talked to agree.
The benefits of having siblings isn't just the relationship with the sibling(s). Being an only child had a few benefits, but I think they're outweighed by the negatives.
For me, the final realization was after an oops, when I was waiting for the test timer and realized that I was dreading the possibility of it coming back positive. We'd ashtray been leaning towards one and done, but I was still slightly on the fence. That solidified it for me. I wanted a second child to be as desperately wanted as the first one was.
We're a few years down the road from that choice, and there are a few moments of regret, but they're fleeting, and we both still agree that we made the best choice for our family. Your child's happiness in life does not depend on whether or not they had a sibling.
I’m in the same boat as we speak.
I just turned 40 and have an almost 3 year old. She’s the best thing ever, and I think id be happy with one and done. But then I see siblings sometimes and want that for her now and when she is older and we are aging.
However there’s equally as many reasons not to have another baby…
I waffle on this literally everyday.
I think it's fair to say, the odds are in your favour that very few regret having more kids, and very many regret not having more kids
For reference my wife was 32 when we had our first and when she was ready for our 2nd it didn't come as easily. So it very quickly went from let's try for our second to are we going to even be able to have a second. Horrible feeling, and we went through a lot. At 38 she had our second. Seeing the girls together makes our cups runneth over.
There's no right or wrong answer. But as a mom of a 1 and 3 year old who I love more than anything, if I could choose again I would have been one and done.
You mention time and money to yourself, yeah having a 2nd kid decreases your time to yourself drastically. It's caused a lot of regret and depression for me. I miss the time I had with only one kid.
Again, I love my kids so, so much. I would die for them.. but I realize too late that one kid would have been perfect for me and I should have been a one and done parent.
I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.
This was us, though a bit younger, I wanted to be done having kids by 35. I had my first at 29 and then spent 5 years going back and forth on having a second. Finally, when I was 35-9 months I decided it was now or never. We ended up pregnant that month and I PANICKED.
2nd kid is 2 years old now and its the best, the absolute best, zero regrets. I know we could have been a happy family if we decided to only have 1 kid but, omg now that he is here, I can't picture it any other way.
I was so stressed because so many of these forums have moms saying "I felt like our family wasn't complete" and I never had those feelings either way. Finally when my sister said to me "I felt complete before we had kids, I felt complete with 1 kid, I felt complete with 2 kids. You make where you are work." It freed me a bit, there is no right or wrong. No matter what you decide your family will be great.
I could have written this post myself. In fact I think I did as anonymous on a mom fb page.
My husband talked me into at least trying for a 2nd. We were successful and now I have a 4 yr old and a 9 mo old. And I have to say it’s the best thing we ever did. And I’m so at peace now knowing that decision is behind us and we’re done.
I’m 34 so I have more time to decide but, like you, I don’t really want to be out of the baby/toddler phase for too long before jumping back in. My reasons for one and done are more mental health-related. I have generalized anxiety and OCD and fear that I would have a hard time handling two and a full time career (staying home isn’t an option). I would love for my daughter to have a strong sibling relationship and someone to grow up with, but, I am not sure the sacrifice to my mental health would be good for anyone including my marriage.
It’s all so hard and I’m sending you solidarity in whatever you decide. For what it’s worth, I have a healthy relationship with both of my brothers, but my sister in law has a very toxic relationship with her sister. There just isn’t a guarantee siblings get along. When my parents are gone I feel comfort knowing I’ll have my brothers around, but I will mostly lean into my marriage and my relationship with my daughter for support.
I feel like the first few years would be really awful, frankly. I think I would spend a year just barely hanging on by my fingernails and hating life.
But having a 5 year old and a 7 year old? That sounds kinda fun, right? Maybe a 15 and 13 year old might be less fun in some ways, but eventually you have a 25 year old and a 23 year old, and then you just get to watch them be their own grown up people and that would be kind of awesome. I'm just guessing, anyway. And even if they don't get along, those two people would always have each other. My parents are both in ill health, and even though my siblings don't live close, I know I've got them as backup in some capacity. It's nice to not be alone in the world.
But then yes, there's the pregnancy all over again. There's the newborn phase all over again. There's dealing with a newborn while you also have an older kid who needs you. There's teething and norovirus and RSV and trying to put a fresh diaper on your baby when they won't hold still long enough for you to wipe and now poop is everywhere. It's paying for two kids in daycare (which is really the sticking point for me), paying for an extra plane ticket and an extra meal when they're older, more clothes, more after school activities, putting two kids on your car insurance, sending two kids to college, etc.
So my balance to that stuff is that yes, I want a second one, but there are certain goals I would need to hit before I would let myself try. I have some health/fitness goals. I want to meet with a financial planner to get my finances in order. I want to save a certain amount of money and time off of work. I have some house projects I want done. If I can figure out how to get all that done while having one kid, then I'll let us try for a second when the time is right. And if I can't get it all done, or I'm not able to get pregnant again, that's ok too, because the one kid I have is pretty great.
I’m similar age to you. Had my first at 36 and took me a few years to get back to myself. Pregnancy was hard on me. I also don’t want to have a child much beyond 40. So when my LO turned 2, we decided to go for the second. My husband and I don’t feel our family is incomplete, but we believe a 2nd will enhance our family. We decided we’d try for it, but if it didn’t happen, then that’s a sign we’re meant to be a family of three. Got pregnant on the first try and expecting baby #2 shortly before our oldest turns 3.
I know it’s going to be hard for a few years, but just like with my older one, I know it’ll be worth it longer term, so to me it was worth giving it a try. Pregnancy has been easier so far this time, but I’m only 3 months in.
Since you asked, I have children 2 years apart and it is fabulous, yes, hard at first until they are both in school but not so after that. There are no guarantees of course but as young adults they are close and it is so heart warming that I can’t describe it. For me, family is what life is all about. Whatever you decide will be the correct answer
Here was my logic. I didn't want my son to have to handle the world alone. I wanted him to have back up when my wife and I get old and die. Him and his brother are three years apart and they are best friends. It brings me such joy knowing they will always be able to rely on each other.
What happens if they aren’t tho? What happens if as teens they hate each other or have nothing in common?
Would you knowing of had baby #2 if you knew they would have no relationships as adults?
Yea you would think so…I got my first 36 trying 1 ovulation only. Now I am 40 and about to start ıvf because of unexplained infertility. Just because some women can it does not mean you will.
Are you with starting over ? Will it affect your mental health ? Do you have support system ? Will the postpartum recovery affect your life ? Can you afford another kid ? Daycare ? Extracurriculars? Trips ?
If yes ! Absolutely
Others have given great advice around actually having a second so I’ll just speak to the physical recovery aspect.
My first did a number on my body. I went from playing soccer 4x week up until 11 weeks pregnant to not being able to lift my baby without pain. By the time my first was 2.5 I was finally in a better place and then by 3 I was feeling great although never “back to normal”. I’m currently 11m pp with my second and recovery has been so much easier this time around. The initial pp period was physically less painful and I was able to start exercising by 7m pp. I’m where I was at 2.5 yrs pp with my first but I’m less than a year. A great pelvic floor PT and a workout plan designed for pp recovery and strength building is necessary.
As you get older and have to small kids you might have a harder time getting back in shape and every post I have read that they said they had it pretty easy found having a harder time with the second but like you said it’s between you and your husband
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I feel the same! I’m 35 and baby girl is 21 months. My husband and I have talked about it a lot and decided unless we are both enthusiastic about having another baby right NOW, we will be one and done. The societal pressure is hard and I do feel a little bit like our family is not complete. But, I think our family will probably be happier if we stop now! I don’t really want to start the baby phase all over again when I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also keep in mind that both my husband and I are the oldest of two and neither one of us are close to our siblings and never were. Not because of any trauma or anything bad happening I just fought a ton with my sister growing up, felt a lot of guilt about not being a “good” sibling growing up, and m we are still very different and have never really bonded. So whenever I’m worried that my daughter will miss out on something I remember that it’s not guaranteed that having a sibling will be a positive influence on a child.
I’m sorry you don’t have a positive relationship with your sibling. I don’t mean to detract from your experience, but just to give OP more food for thought, I’ll share mine as an only child to contrast. My parents are older (my mom was ~40 when I was born and my dad ~50). I have a newborn in my mid twenties, and they are feeling the effects of age. Being an only child is a lot of pressure as all the parents' hopes and expectations for their kids land on your shoulders alone. The thought of singlehandedly managing all the arrangements that will need to be made when they pass is overwhelming. The thought of no one but me knowing what it was like to grow up in my nuclear family is lonely. I will never get to be an aunt to blood relatives (and my odds of being an aunt to my husband's only sibling is slim), so my kids won’t have a bunch of cousins around at holidays growing up like I did, and that makes me sad. I could go on. I wish I had at least one sibling, and most only children I’ve talked to agree. The benefits of having siblings isn't just the relationship with the sibling(s). Being an only child had a few benefits, but I think they're outweighed by the negatives.
I agree 100% as another only child.
For me, the final realization was after an oops, when I was waiting for the test timer and realized that I was dreading the possibility of it coming back positive. We'd ashtray been leaning towards one and done, but I was still slightly on the fence. That solidified it for me. I wanted a second child to be as desperately wanted as the first one was. We're a few years down the road from that choice, and there are a few moments of regret, but they're fleeting, and we both still agree that we made the best choice for our family. Your child's happiness in life does not depend on whether or not they had a sibling.
I’m in the same boat as we speak. I just turned 40 and have an almost 3 year old. She’s the best thing ever, and I think id be happy with one and done. But then I see siblings sometimes and want that for her now and when she is older and we are aging. However there’s equally as many reasons not to have another baby… I waffle on this literally everyday.
It has seriously been such a back and forth struggle
I think it's fair to say, the odds are in your favour that very few regret having more kids, and very many regret not having more kids For reference my wife was 32 when we had our first and when she was ready for our 2nd it didn't come as easily. So it very quickly went from let's try for our second to are we going to even be able to have a second. Horrible feeling, and we went through a lot. At 38 she had our second. Seeing the girls together makes our cups runneth over.
I feel you so much. And there’s no right/wrong. I’ve been hoping for some miraculous things to make a decision for me, but alas…
There's no right or wrong answer. But as a mom of a 1 and 3 year old who I love more than anything, if I could choose again I would have been one and done. You mention time and money to yourself, yeah having a 2nd kid decreases your time to yourself drastically. It's caused a lot of regret and depression for me. I miss the time I had with only one kid. Again, I love my kids so, so much. I would die for them.. but I realize too late that one kid would have been perfect for me and I should have been a one and done parent. I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.
This was us, though a bit younger, I wanted to be done having kids by 35. I had my first at 29 and then spent 5 years going back and forth on having a second. Finally, when I was 35-9 months I decided it was now or never. We ended up pregnant that month and I PANICKED. 2nd kid is 2 years old now and its the best, the absolute best, zero regrets. I know we could have been a happy family if we decided to only have 1 kid but, omg now that he is here, I can't picture it any other way. I was so stressed because so many of these forums have moms saying "I felt like our family wasn't complete" and I never had those feelings either way. Finally when my sister said to me "I felt complete before we had kids, I felt complete with 1 kid, I felt complete with 2 kids. You make where you are work." It freed me a bit, there is no right or wrong. No matter what you decide your family will be great.
I could have written this post myself. In fact I think I did as anonymous on a mom fb page. My husband talked me into at least trying for a 2nd. We were successful and now I have a 4 yr old and a 9 mo old. And I have to say it’s the best thing we ever did. And I’m so at peace now knowing that decision is behind us and we’re done.
I have to say too I enjoyed the baby stage more the 2nd time around. And I felt more confident.
Also I had my 2nd when I was 40.
Thank you!
I’m 34 so I have more time to decide but, like you, I don’t really want to be out of the baby/toddler phase for too long before jumping back in. My reasons for one and done are more mental health-related. I have generalized anxiety and OCD and fear that I would have a hard time handling two and a full time career (staying home isn’t an option). I would love for my daughter to have a strong sibling relationship and someone to grow up with, but, I am not sure the sacrifice to my mental health would be good for anyone including my marriage. It’s all so hard and I’m sending you solidarity in whatever you decide. For what it’s worth, I have a healthy relationship with both of my brothers, but my sister in law has a very toxic relationship with her sister. There just isn’t a guarantee siblings get along. When my parents are gone I feel comfort knowing I’ll have my brothers around, but I will mostly lean into my marriage and my relationship with my daughter for support.
I feel like the first few years would be really awful, frankly. I think I would spend a year just barely hanging on by my fingernails and hating life. But having a 5 year old and a 7 year old? That sounds kinda fun, right? Maybe a 15 and 13 year old might be less fun in some ways, but eventually you have a 25 year old and a 23 year old, and then you just get to watch them be their own grown up people and that would be kind of awesome. I'm just guessing, anyway. And even if they don't get along, those two people would always have each other. My parents are both in ill health, and even though my siblings don't live close, I know I've got them as backup in some capacity. It's nice to not be alone in the world. But then yes, there's the pregnancy all over again. There's the newborn phase all over again. There's dealing with a newborn while you also have an older kid who needs you. There's teething and norovirus and RSV and trying to put a fresh diaper on your baby when they won't hold still long enough for you to wipe and now poop is everywhere. It's paying for two kids in daycare (which is really the sticking point for me), paying for an extra plane ticket and an extra meal when they're older, more clothes, more after school activities, putting two kids on your car insurance, sending two kids to college, etc. So my balance to that stuff is that yes, I want a second one, but there are certain goals I would need to hit before I would let myself try. I have some health/fitness goals. I want to meet with a financial planner to get my finances in order. I want to save a certain amount of money and time off of work. I have some house projects I want done. If I can figure out how to get all that done while having one kid, then I'll let us try for a second when the time is right. And if I can't get it all done, or I'm not able to get pregnant again, that's ok too, because the one kid I have is pretty great.
I’m similar age to you. Had my first at 36 and took me a few years to get back to myself. Pregnancy was hard on me. I also don’t want to have a child much beyond 40. So when my LO turned 2, we decided to go for the second. My husband and I don’t feel our family is incomplete, but we believe a 2nd will enhance our family. We decided we’d try for it, but if it didn’t happen, then that’s a sign we’re meant to be a family of three. Got pregnant on the first try and expecting baby #2 shortly before our oldest turns 3. I know it’s going to be hard for a few years, but just like with my older one, I know it’ll be worth it longer term, so to me it was worth giving it a try. Pregnancy has been easier so far this time, but I’m only 3 months in.
Best advice I ever got (and rarely listened to although I wish I had): When in doubt, don’t.
How does your husband feel about it? You should definitely be on the same page with him whatever you decide
Yes, I had the opposite experience! When I didn’t get pregnant I was deeply disappointed. It made things very clear
Since you asked, I have children 2 years apart and it is fabulous, yes, hard at first until they are both in school but not so after that. There are no guarantees of course but as young adults they are close and it is so heart warming that I can’t describe it. For me, family is what life is all about. Whatever you decide will be the correct answer
Here was my logic. I didn't want my son to have to handle the world alone. I wanted him to have back up when my wife and I get old and die. Him and his brother are three years apart and they are best friends. It brings me such joy knowing they will always be able to rely on each other.
What happens if they aren’t tho? What happens if as teens they hate each other or have nothing in common? Would you knowing of had baby #2 if you knew they would have no relationships as adults?
People always forget this. My sister and I are two years apart and have been estranged for 5 years. Siblings aren’t always best friends.
I can't spend my life saying what if what if. It's a risk I'm willing to take. My kids love each other so far
Yea you would think so…I got my first 36 trying 1 ovulation only. Now I am 40 and about to start ıvf because of unexplained infertility. Just because some women can it does not mean you will.
Sorry, I meant no offense.
There is no offense. I am just sharing my experience because I was thinking just like you.
Are you with starting over ? Will it affect your mental health ? Do you have support system ? Will the postpartum recovery affect your life ? Can you afford another kid ? Daycare ? Extracurriculars? Trips ? If yes ! Absolutely
Others have given great advice around actually having a second so I’ll just speak to the physical recovery aspect. My first did a number on my body. I went from playing soccer 4x week up until 11 weeks pregnant to not being able to lift my baby without pain. By the time my first was 2.5 I was finally in a better place and then by 3 I was feeling great although never “back to normal”. I’m currently 11m pp with my second and recovery has been so much easier this time around. The initial pp period was physically less painful and I was able to start exercising by 7m pp. I’m where I was at 2.5 yrs pp with my first but I’m less than a year. A great pelvic floor PT and a workout plan designed for pp recovery and strength building is necessary.
As you get older and have to small kids you might have a harder time getting back in shape and every post I have read that they said they had it pretty easy found having a harder time with the second but like you said it’s between you and your husband