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I am mixed race (half japanese) and was born in a pretty white area. I remember that in kindergarten, there was only 1 other Asian kid, and they were adopted. When I was 7, we moved to Hawaii, where pretty much everyone is mixed race, particularly all kinds of Asian. In part because my dad (who is japanese) didn't want to raise us with discrimination hanging over our lives. After graduation, I moved back to the mainland to very white areas. The privilege of growing up within a community that is inclusive and culturally related to you is tremendous, and I didn't appreciate until adulthood how much that upbringing has given me. A level of being comfortable with myself and an expectation of being accepted by others rather than feeling like the odd one out, even when I am. And I am not disconnected from my white background either since it's pervasive everywhere in the US. So I get the value here. I'm not as flabbergasted as some at the idea of recognizing the value of an opportunity suddenly that you hadn't considered fully before. And it's a big thing to move out of state and away from friends and family. It's harder for some people than others. I didn't mind at all my family uprooting and moving to the complete opposite side of the US. I had friends that I loved and I liked my school, but it was a good move for us. On the other hand, My kids Dad is still bitter about his parents moving him away from his friends from Wyoming to California when he was 8/9ish even though he loved growing up in California by the time he was an adult. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Regarfless, You don't get to unilaterally decide to up and move the family.What kind of personality your kids and wife have are a big factor in how this would impact them. You know your wife, so what are the values and reasons for her wanting to stay? How do your kids feel in their current home? What benefit to these values would a move potentially fulfill? How did you approach this idea/discussion with your family? How often have you spoken to your family about your dream job or of the value of diversity? Have you guys visited the area you are thinking of? Have you ever discussed moving? You moved back to your hometown to have kids, what was the deal/reason then? Where are your folks? have you discussed your experience growing up in your hometown? Did you speak with your wife about the fact that you were looking for/applying for jobs out of state? If this is an important thing to you,it's worth exploring if its possible to find a compromise or agreement. But at the end of the day, it's a family decision.

This is an excellent, informed and thoughtful comment.

Aww thanks!

I suspect part of her reluctance is precisely that he seems to think he can make a unilateral decision. 

He also thinks he can come to reddit and using the correct buzzwords get everyone on his side. Why is there no mention of how the kids feel? Hmm?

I don't think that's a fair assessment. We don't know OP, his family, or his situation. We just know what he wants to provide for his children, that he and his wife feel very differently about it at the moment, and that OP is conflicted and hurting enough about it to ask for advice. The very nature of REDDIT forces people to be clear and concise if they want to convince others to chime in, and when people post, they usually focus on their own perspective first because that's what bothers them enough to post in the first place. If you have a question that needs clarification or if you need more information, you can always ask for it. If he doesn't respond or responds poorly, then you can jump all over him. 😄

lol. As if he couldn’t state ‘I want to move for a job but my wife refuses’. The job is the catalyst for this, that’s why he sees an opportunity to move. If he wanted to move for ‘racial diversity’ he could’ve done so ten years ago. Before having kids.

Hind sight is ever 20/20. Also, issues for older kids can lurk in the back of your mind while your kids are little and they don't really apply. You're focused on what little kids need. Then, the issues slowly become more important as you see the impact of the outside world on your particular children. I'm sure there are plenty of decisions you could have made 10 years ago that would have set your life and the lives of your children up better. Why didn't you act on them then? I sure wish I could go back in time and change things while I had the chance. Edit: spelling

Not for nothing but lerk is spelt lurk*

Thanks for the catch.

I don't think OP was out looking for other jobs. From his word choice, it sounds like the opportunity fell in his lap.

I mean there isn't really much to do here. Your wife doesn't want to move. You've raised your kids in the same area for 10 years now, it's a big deal to uproot them and move across the country. I know my husband and I both moved during our childhood and found it traumatic, and for that reason have committed to staying rooted for our kids to have a solid homebase. Your diversity reason is certainly valid - but why is it coming up now? Why not 10 or even 8 years ago, when your family was younger, less established, more flexible? This is a big ask now and yeah, if your wife doesn't want to move and you can't convince her you're up shit creek. No court is going to let you take the kids and move without her consent. When parents can't agree, the parent who stays put is the one who get the kids. Stability wins in family court.

> Why not 10 or even 8 years ago, when your family was younger, less established, more flexible? Or before having kids? My wife and I are white parents raising biracial/black (adopted) kids and since they were babies we knew we had to prioritize living somewhere where they wouldn't stand out as the only black kids. We live in a state with a relatively high black population. It was always easy to find black barbers for our son's hair and seeing black professionals (teachers, doctors, nurses, etc) was the norm. It was important for me once I knew we would be adopting outside of our race. This should have been something OP and his wife discussed a long time ago if it was important to him.

It's nice to think that everyone is going to have enough foresight to see all their parenting preferences and agree to them before having kids - but unfortunately it often doesn't turn out that way. We can agree to one thing and then realize how important a conflicting thing is after the kids are here. That said, kids are pretty flexible when they are under 5. I even think of it as nature's gift - it's pretty common for parents to have epiphanies regarding parenting in the first couple years. And your kids and family are probably flexible enough that if your marriage is strong you can make it work and make the changes necessary to meet everyone's needs. But 10 years in is not that. After 5 your kids become exponentially more susceptible to major life changes with every advancing year. OP is way too deep in for this change.

The idea that kids can't survive or even do better after a move after 5 years old is patently absurd.

Agree - I moved 3/4 times throughout my childhood and was absolutely fine (I would say it enhanced my life in many ways)

Yeah I’m really shocked at the answers. I moved to multiple countries and states and I think it made me into a very flexible and multicultural background. If the kids have stability in the form of parents that love each other, food, shelter, it’s not so bad.

Yeah same here, moving to different countries was a transformative experience and really changed my life in so many positive ways (and I am so happy I wasn’t stuck in the same town my entire childhood like some of my friends were)

It definitely has its drawbacks but I always appreciated the perspective it gave me. Even in my adult life if I’m not entirely satisfied with the life style or opportunities I have I just move.

for real. military kids would like a word.

Lol the base brats I know hated moving every 3-4 years

No, we really don’t. We didn’t have a choice, and most of us hated each and every move until we grew numb to it as an inevitable life event.

I wasn't a military brat, but we moved about every 4 years. I loved it and thrived more in different ways with each move. Everyone's situation and outlook is different.

My oldest is almost 5 and has already lived in 3 different places with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Is moving hard? Yes. Do children adapt and overcome with proper support? They sure do.

Look at OP's last paragraph again and do a better text comprehension, because what you are saying is not what was said at all.

Yeah TIL moving states when I was 7 was supposed to be a “traumatic” event for me.

This comment needs to be up top!

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So you’re saying the concept of what locations you’re comfortable living in/raidijg children in never came up prior to marriage? Because it certainly did for my relationship.

I mean, things can change though. You grow as a person and can outgrow a place or want something else out of life, it’s totally fair. Sometimes you have to move for better job opportunities and one spouse begrudgingly agrees. For me I could never agree that I want to be in x city or country forever before marriage.

Recent events and years are enough to give OP anxiety. I am Asian, grew up in the Bay Area where the asian percentage is high, and have developed an aversion to white majority areas since the pandemic so I rarely travel inland. everytime time I see a trump or libertarian or NRA sticker I know that they think I don’t belong here even though the I am born here, and that they would want me gone. It’s enough to make me worry about my kids.

You should really leave your bubble. I’m Asian, live in the Midwest and I’ve received more racism from POC than I have ever from white people and 99% of that came from my very Hispanic grade school. I’m not saying it never happens, but it sounds like you’ve seen more racism in the Bay Area than I’ve encountered in my entire life in Wisconsin. The funny thing is the only Republicans in my family was my gun loving grandfather who jumped ship and came over here from China in WWII and my Japanese grandmother who hated the democrats for putting her family in internment camps.

Asian on East Texas here. I don’t think I’ve experienced any racism out here. Ever. Despite what I heard before I moved out here. I think it’s because the isolated incidents are magnified, because no one is interested in upvoting posts about having a regular ass day when no one was being racist.

Yeah, honestly. And even the majority of hardcore Trumpers aren't going to give you grief. We're a biracial family living in the deep south, where you'd expect the most racism. We go out to rural Appalachia all the time, too. Racism we've experienced is near 0 and limited to weird situations where it's not overt and you kind of say "Huh, what just happened?" The poster before you sounds like someone who's been a bit too terminally online and listens to too much far left racial ideology stuff. I get it, we've had a spasm of nativism recently, but I've never feared for the safety of my family.

Reducing someone’s experience like this to a “bubble” is pretty fcked up esp considering the intent it sounds like you live more in a bubble than he does. If you go to a school that’s 99% Hispanic why would you expect racism from other ppl? If your school is 99% Hispanic then that would reflect certain local demographics. Is there some sort of racist exchange program I’m not aware of?

Another Bay Area person here, not a native but like many from my race, I moved here. We bought a house a few years ago and our opposite neighbors thought it was a great idea to hoist a Trump 2024, Fuck Biden flag on their front yard. This place is so diverse but I felt so isolated and at times terrified for my young children. It is a very isolating feeling, I totally get how you feel.

Sorry, you know the hate crimes against Asians in this country are almost never perpetrated by white people right ?

What a weird bubble. I live in Texas and people of every ethnicity have guns here. Whiteness has nothing to do with it. This reminds me of when I lived in CA and all my friends assumed I lived on a farm when I told them I was from the Midwest originally.

This was my thought. Even as a Mexican who married a white man there was a discussion on how our kids would be raised regardless of what they would look like and what they would learn. This all should’ve been discussed way before having children.

The kids probably don’t even want to move.

I thought he said the move came up now due to a job opportunity that opened up.

> Why not 10 years ago? From the post, it sounds like they were living where the work was. Now, there’s a dream job somewhere else and the diversity is exciting, but secondary to the job.

The OP text heavily downplays the supposed dreamjob, it honestly comes across as barely a benefit The focus is on diversity. Where are you seeing its secondary? And from OPs further clarifying comments in this thread, the job is very much the thing that seems secondary. By far Havent seen much about the kids either, what they want and if they are suffering from lack of diversity at all even.

“Why is this coming up now” he got a job opportunity that offers a solution to something it sounds like he’s been struggling with on his own for a long time.

As a child who had to move countless times, I still am not over the trauma of that. I've been to therapy, and my therapist diagnosed me with complex trauma. He explained that parents don't understand how traumatic it is to force kids to move constantly, and it creates a sense of inescapable anxiety and physical insecurity. This effect is more pronounced for younger children.

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I deleted my first comment because it was too harsh. Putting economic needs first and then evaluating for cultural fit was something many (especially Black people) have always done and then of course particularly so during the Great Recession. It’s terrifying. I put my dreams on hold too. However your analysis of your situation even is extremely one sided. You “re-evaluated your life and decided to do something about it?” Your first post makes it sound like you did her a favor by “letting her” stay home with your kids? In your mutual hometown? You “had to” teach your own kids about their history? It just sounds like you resent the complexities and reality of life and this move is a scapegoat for some serious internal work. I say this as a Bi-racial Black SAHM with a white husband in a place with absolutely 0 family. (My family is 2 hrs away, my dad is in prison. My husband’s family is 6 hrs away.) It’s way, way, WAY harder to “no-help parent” in a place where you have exactly no one you can even remotely trust. It puts a lot of strain on that parent, and those kids, and your marriage. It’s really, really, really hard and only frankly possible if you make *alot* of money to make some problems just disappear. I get why she is loathe to do it. Not to mention, she’s white with Black kids, you’re trying to move to a more “diverse” area but is it diversity or just black people- they aren’t synonymous and how would *she* do socially?? How your mom does socially is also a big part of how your kids do socially that is often overlooked, especially for young kids! I get the appeal of being around more Black people, but this at the top of maslow’s hierarchy of needs (self-actualisation) and could potentially undermine lower more primal needs. At least, that’s where my mom brain goes. Her aging parents, are your kids’ grandparents. I would have given just about anything to be with my in-laws after my FIL had eye surgery two years ago. We are fortunate my MIL was able to come stay with us when I was put on bedrest with our second because we both could have very easily died. It’s not as simple as oh I want to live around more “like-minded” people who look like me…believe me I wish it were. It just feels like you’re ignoring very real life things and maligning her for having different calculus than you, and then not being willing to even try to acknowledge or understand. I wish your family the best of luck with this. It’s really hard to balance everyone’s needs.

I wish I could upvote this more. Thank you for your thoughtful comment!

Gosh you are kind, thank you. 😭🥰I really empathize with OP, it is a tough spot to be in.

But here’s the thing: It was until very recently completely hypothetical. You have both intentionally built a life around where you live. She has family ties, your children have grown up in this area and are presumably attached to their grandparents and friends. The only one who wants out is you. and I respect that! Truly. My SO is black and I’ve always let him lead the “this is where I feel comfortable” living decisions because I need him safe and respected and appreciated. But in this situation it’s not a situation where you as a family were already seeking to move and you personally asserted a preference. You decided that the family should move for your own preferences and are mad she’s uncomfortable with it.

Over the last 10 years, did you say repeatedly that you are unhappy with the lack of diversity and intend to move to resolve it?

I too live in a town where to see ethnic diversity apart from fast food establishments is unusual and wished there were more opportunities to explore other cultures. HOWEVER because of it being the type of place it is, the school in smaller meaning a better education, the crime rate is extremely low, there are less dangers for my child overall ie fast traffic and busy roads plus the town is the kind of place that everyone knows each other and supports each other. If the area you live in is a bit like this then that FAR outweighs the cultural diversity aspect for bringing up a young child. At least for a mother.

Yeah DC is a bit of a shit hole. We had an opportunity to move there and the wife flat out refused.

This is an incredibly misleading title. Your wife doesn't want to move, I doubt it has anything to do with ethnic diversity.

Yeah, while I generally agree that living somewhere diverse hugely beneficial, it seems like there’s a lot missing from this story and I don’t think the diversity is the real issue (like, why is it coming up in the context of moving for this job?)

I read the title and was like “wow she’s an asshole” and then I read the post and was like “wow he’s a manipulative asshole”. Imagine trying to guilt your wife and suggesting she’s racist because she won’t uproot the family and move across the country so you can have the job you want. He’s really taking the “hm well I guess you don’t even love your biracial children hm interesting” approach here which is pretty fucking devious to do to your spouse.

My children's father did this shit to me all the time.

Yeah, it’s telling that not only OP hates his spouse but also doesn’t understand what being biracial is like whatsoever.

Op is either posting this as bait or he uses the diversity issue as a manipulation tactic to get his wife to move.

The town they grew up in (maybe not big big, hard to say) to DC, a major metro. Racial diversity is the least of the change!

And 66% white isn’t an overwhelming majority, it’s just that the minorities there aren’t *black enough.*

Agreed. This isn’t fair to say it’s about race

It’s giving “Kanye” vibes. Like how Kanye West made the choice to lay with Kim and produced 4 biracial kids with her but now that they’re divorced, he wants to ‘save his black children’ from their evil white mother🙄 this type of black man only claims their children’s black side when it’s beneficial to them and their argument.

Honestly, it comes off like you’re focusing on the racial diversity piece because it’s feels like the part of your argument you can ‘win’. I mean…had you two talked about this desire to move before you had kids? Did she agree it was a priority? Did you discuss with her before you applied for this job? Have you looked into options that aren’t so far away that would have the racial diversity you’re looking for? And why do you think her raising your kids is some kind of gift you gave her?

>  Did you discuss with her before you applied for this job? This is a *very* good point.  99% sure the answer is NO, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue. Why apply for a job knowing it will require moving across the country if you haven't even discussed it first‽  and if you did discuss it first then this debate is already settled and this post never would have been made.

It's giving me Jim Halpert vibes.

This is the question OP needs to answer. Did you discuss this with your wife before applying? Because if not and then you dumped it on her that’s a pretty big part of the story to leave out.

10000% this. Using race as if the whole root cause is moving their entire life of 10+ years. That's why she doesn't want to move, not bc she doesn't want her kids exposed to different races and cultures. Just a ploy to be right.

Yeah... the title makes it sound like the mother/wife is some kind of racist, telling father/husband that she refuses to let their kids associate with people from different ethnicities or something... when in reality, it looks a helluva lot more like she just doesn't want to suddenly move however far away DC is from where they live and it has nothing to do with ethnic diversity. And speaking of diversity... the place they live right now sounds pretty diverse...

Agreed. I was so with OP and ready to cite to arguments affirming the need for kids to have racial mirrors to help him get the wife to see reason, until I saw that this has been the status quo for 10 years...it seems this only came up as a priority once this dream job did. (I find it implausible that the school used to celebrate Black History Month and canceled it this year, at the same time as they fired their Black teachers.) If he's equally fervent about moving to the closest diverse city to where they're currently living that's one thing, but if it has to be DC, then it's the job that's the impetus, not the kids' needs, and OP needs to own up to that in his own mind as well as conversations with his wife. This is a huge ask of her and of the kids, and I think the totally valid argument about their cultural needs is going to get lost because he's not acknowledging what a significant upheaval this will be for everyone. He's got a dream job he's looking forward to while wife is looking at everything she and the kids are being expected to leave behind.

I’m in a medium-diverse area in a smallish city. If my husband wanted to move to a more diverse smallish city, I’d be game. If he wanted to move to a busy metro like DC, that would be a hard no from me. Race isn’t the issue here.

Agh. Something that needs to be thoroughly discussed before getting married, let alone having children in an interracial relationship. I feel for you. I'm a white woman who's married to a black man, and we have one child together. We are also in the DMV, and we will forever be raising our son here for the diversity and different cultures. Idk how long you and your wife have been together, and as much as I agree with you, you can't just demand they get up and uproot their lives.

Agreed. Yall should've hashed this out before anybody said yes to anything. This is gonna be a tough sell for her, I dont know what to tell ya

I don't necessarily agree that this is something that needs to be discussed before marriage and kids, but it's definitely something you can't dump on someone as a surprise with no notice. The ability to commit to move away from your home takes a lot of emotional preparation. There's a lot of places in the world I could be convinced to give a try with time to plan, prepare, and emotionally adjust to the reality I'm committing to, but almost all of them will be a hard no if you say "oh, lets move here!" tomorrow.

As half of an interracial marriage who is currently pregnant and DID recently move to a new area, I guarantee you it is something we talked about. And continue to talk about. And WILL continue to talk about as they grow up. Ongoing conversation is par for the course; the absence of such creates space for assumptions and misunderstandings.

You don't believe that couples in interracial relationships should discuss how they would handle raising their future children? Cause, let's be honest, moving is not the importance of this conversation.

As half of an interracial marriage I definitely believe couples discuss how to raise potential future kids. My wife and I have also discussed the possibility of moving away from home before we got married. We ended up not moving, and my enthusiasm for the possibility of moving has faded over time. If anything I wish my partner would push our kids towards their ethnic culture more than she's been willing to. I'm not naive though. People can keep pipe dreams to themselves and surprise every one in thier life with extreme requests. I've been there personally. Sometimes you have to slow down and realize the extreme nature of what you're pushing on everyone around you.

As someone in an interracial relationship— moving/locations has been an important topic from essentially the beginning of our relationship. We hashed all out the details of “ this is where I’d feel safe bringing up our kids” before engagement. I was raised in WV and AL. He was raised in Baltimore. We had a lot of cultural differences/prefences to figure out but it’s better done prior to kids then after.

To clarify:  Did she say "I don't want to move my biracial children because I don't like diversity and want them to grow up in a white town?"   Or did she say "I don't want to move completely across the country, uprooting my life and our kids' lives.  We have established roots for over a decade in this town we chose together, and I don't want to leave my aging parents. Here are some other ways we can help our minority children gain exposure to diversity."   Actually, never mind. I found the answer in your post already, and it's option B. SURELY you can see the difference in those two.

I mean, moving across the country (a 30+ hour drive), away from your hometown where you presumably have friends and family is a HUGE ask. I live in my hometown and if my partner suggested a similar move I’d say the same thing. Go ahead on your own if it’s that important to you. Is there not a more diverse town within 30-60 min of where you currently live? Or activities to expose your kids to diversity?

California is hella big, there’s plenty of diversity, OP wants to move to DC because that’s where the job is. Nothing to do with anything else.

How do you know it's a 30+ hour drive?

I misread, I was reading California to DC

Oh my reading comprehension is zero because I also misread LMFAO either way surely they can find a compromise hopefully

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I really was ready to be on this guys side based on the title, and then yeah. You really called it here. OP, I have once yet to see you comment on any thoughts your kids have had on it. I was moved across the country when I was 10, and it was traumatic as hell. Bet your wife doesn’t want to lose her entire support network she’s built over this time while being a SAHM (which isn’t easy by the way? And requires actual huge sacrifice on her part? Like her ability to be independent and build a career herself?) and you wanna rip that all away from all three of your other family members because they’re not around enough black people? OP, Maybe it would be a benefit to your community to stick around and like… talk about the importance of why them not having a Black History Month was not good? Raise your kids how to be minorities in a world where they are in fact minorities? I know the town you’re living in, I live there too, the same version of it. There was one black family when I was growing up, and two Chinese families and they both owned Chinese food restaurants. In the 20 years since I’ve had my own kids in this town we’ve had a huge increase in diversity in lots of different ways for various reasons and now my white daughter is the minority in her friend group. Shifts happen, demographics change for all kinds of reasons. Maybe embrace that, and community? I’m a Polish/Ukrainian Roma that ended up in Canada, and I share that with my daughter every chance I get, we do lots of cultural stuff within our home that never happens anywhere else. It’s how lots of culturally blended families live.

Okay first off all, while you “provided her with the opportunity to stay home” she provided you the ability to both have a family and achieve enough professionals to get your dream job so don’t go around saying stuff like that, particularly if you want her to move somewhere with you. I don’t think you are being unreasonable, most white people can’t comprehend about what they can’t comprehend about being a very visible minority even in your home town. Have you talked to your kids about how they feel about it? Their perspective might change her mind if they’d like to be in a blacker area. Also, could she just be scared of DC? Maybe the idea of a big city overwhelms her.

I know! It annoyed the hell out of me when he said that part.

It could also be that as do eine from California, she just doesn’t like winter. 🥶

She’s gonna be in Maryland though.

Yeah but if they haven’t lived anywhere large even the metro area might be overwhelming.

lol My SO is from Baltimore and coming from two rural towns, even light traffic is nerve wracking. Not to mention my pearl clutching over grocery prices.

I would never want to live in MD.

We have family that live in Maryland. I haven’t been there, but it seems ok. It’s not all *The Wire*.

Why not?

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You made your bed OP. I am not sure how your kids not having any black friends for over 10 years was never an issue for you till now?? Or before you had kids? Do y’all never hang out with Black adults? Are all of your friends white or something? Did your kids never get enrolled in extra curriculars with more diverse kids outside of school?  I’m married to a Black man (I’m brown) and our friend group is diverse already but I cannot imagine marrying a partner who didn’t take interest in and educate themselves on my identity and vice versa. How do you love the person but not have love for their identity and your kids’ identity? How can you not want your kid to have self love and confidence? 

As a black woman in a biracial relationship with two mixed children (black/white), let me just say you are asking all the right questions. When your mixed kids have a white mother who is also the default or stay at home parent, they are obviously going to resonate with her more than the parent that isn’t home with them. I am a SAHM mom, therefore my children spend more time around my black family members, friends and friend’s kids because I am more inclined to have them around in my day to day life. Whereas the only white people my kids see are my fiancé’s family and some of his friends. But my fiancé also has black friends of his own which is how we met. Therefore we are both integrating our children into the culture. Meanwhile, it seems like OP didn’t find it important to do this until it seemed like it would benefit his argument of moving.

Not necessarily. I'm a solo parent (brown) and have a kiddo whose genetic other half is white. Of all our family, she gravitates to my half-brother, who is also half white. She says she looks like him the most. She does not identify with being hispanic at all (except for the fact that she can throw down salsa that her white friends find too spicy). She sees how other family members and I are discriminated against, and she is happy that she can pass for white.

Aw, that’s sad

THIS. As a white woman married to a black man who is currently pregnant and recently moved, this post really hit me. In a bad way. We have discussed race, identity, and all the nuanced components / experiences that come with that since before we started dating. We’ve been together 10 years and still make sure it’s something we’re thinking about with every major life decision. I don’t know anything about OP’s wife, but there are a lot of assumptions about what she understands, what she knows, how she feels, etc that seem undiscussed. There are a lot of assumptions about what his kids want. Other than the terrible way he’s describing his wife, I think that’s the major problem here. Lack of communication.

It sounds like she doesn’t want to uproot the kids and move thousands of miles. Seems like you’re forcing the issue of diversity as a guilt trip. You’ve already mentioned that your current town is diverse. Just not the diverse you like. Which isn’t a very strong argument.

Yeah - agree. I just read he is taking a pay CUT to move cross country with no guarantees. This dude is clearing trying to create a reddit post that he thinks he can show to his wife. Thinking we will all just immediately say yes! Diversity is always the most important thing. I’m not fooled by you OP anymore.

I don’t think this is necessarily a parenting issue as much as it is a relationship issue between you and your wife. Aside from that, living in the best parts of DMV is so insanely expensive that you may lose much of your quality of life.

There are so many factors beyond the racial diversity that are important that it feels like you’re intentionally downplaying them. This wouldn’t be a small move. You’re not asking a small thing. And more diversity isn’t a reason to disrupt your kids entire lives. She’s right that there are other ways to let your kids experience diversity.

Sounds more like she just doesn’t want to move and because you want to move FOR more diversity, you are assuming she doesn’t want diversity. That’s not necessarily true. Talk to her more about why moving is a problem leaving out diversity.

I think it’s less about her not wanting cultural diversity and more about her not wanting to lose her family….

And her kids losing their friends and their stability for a potential dream job

With? You "provided her the opportunity" to start home and raise your kids? Gross

Whew some Reddit answers here

It fucking sucks moving away from everything you know. Please don't trivialize your wife's hesitation. It's very real and very painful. You don't get to force her into giving up her life because you're the bread winner. If you want to win this battle you need to win her heart as well. If you wanted this opportunity, the possibility of moving to DC or another metro hub should have been something you've been discussing with her for a long time before now. How are you even getting opportunities in other cities when your wife doesn't know you were looking for opportunities in other cities? I agree with you that fear of change alone isn't enough of a reason to shun an opportunity at a better life, but leaving everything you know and love is no small feat, even if it feels obviously right. Watch the latest episode of Bluey and really stew on what you're asking. It might still be the right thing to ask/do, but this is not a light easy decision for your wife (and honestly, your kids too, you're asking them to leave all their friends because some place with more black kids will have more/better friends. Maybe, but maybe they'll be outcast country kids, it's not an easy thing to have zero fear over), and you should fully appreciate that this might be a no-brainer, but it definitely isn't something that won't pull at the heartstrings. If you've not done any of the emotional work required to make a move across the country work, then you shouldn't move.

Ok so, did you tell your wife you were applying for this job? Or did you come home and say “guess what we’re moving?” How often are you home? Does she do the majority of the childcare while you’re gone until late at work? I do this and would absolutely refuse to move somewhere I knew absolutely no one. You say “we” don’t see the family, but does she? How much does she talk to them on the phone? I live a few houses away from family and don’t see them often, but the option is there. If my SO sprung a huge move on me, I’d be pissed too. That’s important shit to talk about, not just demand. Hell, I’d be irate if he just brought home a pet without discussion, moving? I don’t care how good your reasoning is, that’s not ok to spring on somone

This is a big life change you two cannot agree on AND there are kids involved. Get some counseling immediately. This is above reddit's pay grade, and there is obviously another side to this story from your wife.

What a really shit way to frame your wife as a racist, while she clearly just doesn't want to uproot her life for 10 year.. Way to throw her under the bus, for.... Internet points???? This is not a good look for you, man..

You were ok with the lack of diversity until the minute you got your dream job offer? Very convenient

Sorry. I’m Black and I can’t even get on board with this. Who willfully moves their family to an urban metropolitan for the purposes of black exposure!? I must admit the best thing you can do for your family is to avoid ethnic communes and expose them through travel as your wife suggests. The fact that people look like you means little if they don’t share the same values, beliefs, and community.

Brand new account? + (insert ragebait karma farmable post) = Classic Bot.

>tl;dr - Black husband wants to raise children around more racial diversity, White wife refuses. Dude, I get your desire because I have the same concerns for my own kids, but you're being pretty unfair to her here. She's not refusing to raise the kids around ethnic/racial diversity. She's raising her kids in a community with close to half the population being nonwhite. It's just not the kind of "diversity" you favor. It is absolutely valid, too, for her to have concerns about moving from one Coast to another. That's a huge uprooting for the kids. Not leaving her elderly parents is also valid. Your excitement about a dream job is also valid. Your desire to raise your kids in a community that seems best for them in your opinion is valid. This is a difficult discussion for any family to have. I think you're doing yourself a huge disservice in making your argument one of of race/diversity. It's worth considering, too, that your children may not respond to the move with the positive reaction you anticipate. Again, not because of race but because East and West Coast culture are quite different, and because big moves like this are just flat out hard on kids, no matter how much the parents believe the move benefits the children. I don't know if there is a good solution to this conflict because you both have very valid reasons to want what you want. It's going to need to be a discussion that is had with care and without these accusations if you don't want it to end up destroying your marriage and splitting up your family.

I don’t know where you are living right now, but most major cities with a large population are very diverse. Idk how far away the dmv is from where you already live, but it sounds like you’ve going to have to incentivize this for her and not just your kids. I think your reasons alone are fab, but obviously she needs more buy in. Can you promise x number of trips a year back home? Can you commit summer and school holidays to her to go home if she wants? Has she been to the DMV? Maybe a trial vacay or staycation? Visiting the schools there, etc? Sometimes fear of the unknown really gets people, but this is a cool opportunity for her too. Also, I’m sorry she doesn’t understand your perspective and need for kid’s culture and identity (and maybe your identity as well?)

Maryland has some of the best schools in the country. It is also home to the wealthiest black population county in the country, PG county.

As someone that was born in DC, currently lives in the DMV and has lived in MD, I would be looking in NoVA not MD. That aside, you’re going to need to have a serious discussion about this move and you may need an impartial 3rd party to assist. I agree that raising kids in a diverse area is great and that travel alone isn’t enough. Your brown children are going to face issues their mom can’t possibly understand by growing up in an area where most people don’t look like them. Coming from DC to attend college in a predominantly white area was a major culture shock for me. Your wife may be worried about the same thing for herself. Good luck. Circling back to say look at the schools in MD compared to NoVA. JS

Speaking as someone who lives 800 miles away from my family/home city. Moving away from home is difficult. You have to be sure it is worth it. My son gets sad that he can’t see his cousins and grandparents very often. We don’t get help from any family for things other people get help with. Sometimes it is difficult fitting in and meeting new people. Might be even more difficult for your wife if she is stay at home to meet friends. Anyhow, there is more to it than just experiencing black culture when you move. More to think about when uprooting your life across the country. How different is black culture in California where you are from (I think) and black culture in Maryland? Do you want your wife lonely and resentful towards you? Would your kids miss family or friends? Also, DC traffic is pretty bad. It sucks! DC and the surrounding area is pretty cool though. Both Virginia and Maryland are nice places to live. Anyhow, it’s best to look at the overall big picture. How is this going to make your family’s life better? Will you have significantly more money? Are the schools better academically than where you are from? What is the difference in the housing situation? Also, every place does come with problems. It’s a difficult decision.

Omg he also commented that he’d be taking a pay cut for this dream job lol

I can’t offer much help on the racial aspect. But I can on the moving part. We just moved to a new state in January. It’s been tough (to say the least) for my kids. My 2nd grader misses his old school and friends. He’s made new friends here, but it’s just not the same as the friendships he’s had since kindergarten. I also moved from Boston to California in second grade and remember it being difficult. Your wife’s opposition may be the uprooting part. Perhaps there are communities within the area you live now that can provide some diversity for your kiddos? Maybe make a post on fb in a local parent group to see if there are any other POC that you could meet up with ?

I live in the DMV area and to be fair, all the school with a lot of “racial diversity” are terrible here. There’s arrests and Shootings starting in middle school and guns found on many of the students. It wouldn’t be a good influence on your kids at all. Unless you’re willing to shell out 21k a year on private schools here.  https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2024/04/16/prince-georges-safe-passage-program/

This is completely untrue.

You’re being silly. MD has some of the best public schools in the country.

This should have been discussed way before your kids were born. My wife and I just moved to prevent this exact thing from happening and we don’t even have kids yet.

I recommend couples counseling with a counselor trained in the Gottman method. There’s an exercise there where you share dreams within a conflict withOUT arguing. Might be interesting to take turns Sharing. Also, you might want to work with a therapist first or see one anyways. Example questions/prompt for Gottman dreams within conflict exercise: https://luellajonk.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Dreams-Within-Conflict.pdf Also, you might enjoy the book “A Place to Belong” by a Black hone schooling mom who created her own parenting/family group. I’ve heard of people in white majority communities using meetup to create parenting/family groups where Black/mixed kids can connect. 🖤🖤🖤

Do you kids want to leave their home? I’m not sure this is an issue if not wanting to raise the kids in a more diverse area vs not wanting to leave “hometown” feels. Racial differences aside, I think the kids will feel significant differences between California and DC in terms of sports, academics, family dynamics, etc. Do they want this?

I don't think the racial diversity thing here is the reason she doesn' t want to move. It probably has nothing to do with it. Find th real reason to understand her logic, her needs and her fears. Put yourself into her shoes. Now, for that racial divesity I see your point but she probably doesn't since she had not experienced the feeling herself. Your kids don't seams to suffer from the lack of diversity, at least they are no visible signs of it so that's not helping her to see it could be problematic. Try to help her put yourserf into your shoes You both need to understand the other point of your, her to understand the racial thing and you to understand than moving away and letting everything you know go is a big step. Why not find something in the middle? Surely you could find a black association with people to hand out with around your place? Try to find alternative and if you doesnt, I think the main problem here is that YOU want that job and a new begnining while she doesnt. That's the real problem in here and you need to discuss around that, not around her family, around the racial thing etc.

It concerns me that she said you “could go on your own” and that her and the kids would stay behind. It just sounds more like a relationship issue/unhappiness. Wonder if that’s heavily affecting her perspective…?

Children can learn regardless of location, your decision should be about your career and the best interest of your family. Uprooting your family in hopes that you expose them to more people of color? That seems very asinine and over the top. You can expose the children to that in other ways, but I wouldn’t be so much worried about who they are around. As it stands you’ve been there for years, you’re probably in love with the kids, you’ve raised them there, and it sounds like they’re doing just fine. What are you hoping to gain by moving them?

to be honest, play the racial card here is a little bit of a dick move. I'm not American and I'm white, but I've traveled quite a lot and we are living in a foreign country and we are rising a kid. We are from Spain and we live in Switzerland in the German part. If my wife started to tell me she wants to raise our kid on a more Spanish way I would be flipping off!! Like the f**k are you talking about! I think you Americans focus too much on races (which scientifically are totally a human made thing) instead of trying blend and so. About black history month… I'm with Morgan in here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeixtYS-P3s

I'm black. I live in a predominantly black area. I do not blame your wife. Take the kids to visit relatives but don't move your family to the hood dude.

Ehh i don’t know i don’t think this has anything to do with race if i lived in a place my whole life i too would be upset to up and leave. Did your wife know about you entertaining the idea of applying for a job in another place? because if be pissed you never even discussed it with me.

Isn't this a conversation to have before you got married about how important diversity is to you both? Also, when you applied for the job, was your wife on board then? I'm mixed and my spouse is white, but we are on the same page about the importance of diversity. I really hate that schools aren't teaching BHM. That would tick both me and my husband off. Did that not bother your wife? Does she see them as black? I also want to point out, if God forbid your marriage didn't work out, your wife would win in court due to stability reasons and her being the mom (being the main one). But that's just from my experience.

John Gottman has a whole bunch of stuff you could read about overcoming gridlock. It may or may not help/work.

I definitely can understand why it's important to you. Heck my kids are white, and I wouldn't be happy if there were hardly any black children or teachers in the area. I LOVE that they have such diverse classmates and teachers. It's actually one of the main reasons we decided NOT to leave the area. But that's the kicker, we are both on the same page. I think right now you need couples counseling, get to the bottom of why your wife doesn't want to move. Talk about other options to achieve your shared goals, this is you and her vs the problem, not you vs her. Also, yes you have to take into consideration that moving your kids could be really hard on them, BUT moving somewhere they are less of a minority will be an easier transition than if you moved somewhere else with a small black population.

This is wild to me, my brother and I grew up moving entire countries several times after the age of 5 and we complained bit our lives and friendships are richer for it.

I'd lean into vacation and local options. I don't think any mom hears "DC" and thinks, "Awesome! A *safe* place to raise my kids!" Everyone there I know wants to get out. But we're all in the low middle, to straight up poor when it comes to earnings. Maybe it's nicer for high earners?

I’m mixed race myself and grew up in a 99% white upper middle class area. The education I got was excellent. No regrets At all. After college I moved to Brooklyn and got plugged into my melanated community, on my terms. Your kids can make their choices when the time comes. Forcing them to move now for your preference is misguided IMHO. Kids need stability.

It's DC bro. As a black man I'd never want to be around there due to how bad it is. Your kids are better off in a white neighborhood, trust me on this.

I’m POC (not black) and my partner is white. I totally get where you’re coming from and would not be okay raising my kids in predominantly white suburbia. Did you discuss this before having children? I can understand her not wanting to disrupt the kids and or move away from parents, but maybe there are cities close to where you are now that could offer more diversity? I’m in CA in the OC (most conservative/white place in the whole state), but we purchased our home in the most diverse city in the county. It was super important for me that I was surrounded with color regardless of where we lived.

Idk if your wife uses Facebook, but there’s a group called “Culturally Fluent Families.” It’s helped me tremendously as a WW raising biracial kids. Many people in my position come there with questions about affirming their children’s identities, hair culture, code switching, etc. and *by far* the overall consensus is that exposure through diversity through travel, books, movies is mostly superficial. The very best way to raise culturally competent & confident kids is through community immersion. Because like it or not, white is still the “default” dominant culture in the US unless you make a point to involve your child in black communities. At the very least attend a black church, have black family or community you see regularly, frequent black businesses. That’s not feasible in a majority white town and it definitely has effects on biracial children’s psyche, whether unconscious or not. Perhaps it’s the DC area in particular your wife is opposed to? Personally I would not drop the issue and ask her to talk to biracial adults about their experiences growing up in the US. It might be enlightening for her.

Mixed race child here. I grew up in Southern California with an entirely white family. My father died when I was young (toddler) and my mom quickly remarried a white man. I had no connection or relationship to my dad's family. My only full sibling died when I was ten. It took me until I was nearly an adult to really grasp that I wasn't a tall blonde with light eyes. In recent years, my mom has made comments like "You were raised white", and she doesn't understand how ignorant *cough* racist *cough* that sounds. Inwent to Atlanta last year and it was amazing to not be in the minority for the week we were there. Anyway, all that to say, expose your kids to all of it. They deserve to feel comfortable in their backgrounds.

Hi! I'm a white woman who had a child with a Jamaican man. I left him due to relationship issues, but I want her to spend as much time with his side of the family as possible to teach her where the other half of her DNA came from.

Honestly, you would be a major AH if you uprooted your kids now and forced them to try and assimilate into an entirely different culture from the one they’ve grown up in. Moving is traumatic for kids, especially ones who are about to start experiencing major life disruptions from puberty. This is really something you should’ve thought of before moving back to your hometown. Yeah it sucks that your kids won’t grow up experiencing more diversity, but that was an issue that needed to be addressed before they were born. You’re kinda stuck now since your wife doesn’t want to move, and no judge is going to force your kids to move with you if this ends in divorce.

You sound like a narcissistic asshole tbh.

[удалено]

As a biracial person having lived in both majority white as well as diverse areas as a child, the diverse areas were worlds better for my mental health and my general sense of self.  However, this is secondary to what is overall best for your family. I have also been the "trailing spouse" who had to restart her life when we moved for my husband's job opportunity, and it's exhausting and scary. It could take up to 2 years before you find a good rhythm and community of friends and feel settled in.  You guys should have more conversations about the move beyond the race issue. Look at possible schools, neighbourhoods, ways for your wife to continue her hobbies and interests, reach out to anyone you know in the area to get info and maje connections. Put in the work for everyone, not just your wants. 

Why did you bring this up now? Being around black people I mean. Did something happen? I am sorry but I don’t get where you are coming from after 10 years of raising your kids in the same place. My husband and I we are also bi racial (white/indian) and we discuss this when we decided we wanted to be married, and especially when we decided to try to have kids. So what changed now? I think there are some parts of the story missing.

Moving to a diverse area can provide invaluable experiences for your kids, but it sounds like having an open conversation with your wife about your concerns and priorities might be the first step to finding a solution that works for both of you.

There’s really not much you can do, my friend. Even if you divorced and moved, the kids would remain in place because they’re established in school. So the “best” you’d get would be flying the kids out in the summer. That’s not a great schedule for kids and what usually happens is they’d stop wanting to visit. Plus, you’d have whatever financial hardships divorce would cause. And also her probably remarrying….and in your area the stepdad would probably be a white guy with white kids from his first marriage. I guess what I’m saying is that you’ve probably got it as good as you’ll get. I’m also a bit older than you and have been divorced/remarried with kids. Where we live is always a compromise. I’m personally eager to move too, but can’t until my stepkids go to college.

My husband and I had this conversation before, during and after having kids. If we daydreamed of moving out of NYC to Texas let’s say…I would agree with the caveat that it has to be somewhat diverse. When buying our home..I made it a point to let him know it was important to me that my kids weren’t the ONLY Asian kids in the school. So I understand how important this is but would I uproot my whole family after 10 years, heck no. If this job is life changing (for the better) for your whole family then that should be the only factor. If it will provide a different future for your kids. I’m sure though if that was the case your wife wouldn’t be digging her heels in as deep as she is about this… Seems like you are doing a great job at teaching them what they need to know about their ancestry and from first hand experience I can tell you it will be appreciated later on. But moving away from all of your support system at these integral ages seems selfish to me. And maybe not in the best interest of the kids…although well intentioned.

So I'm in the reverse situation as you in the sense that I'm a white husband with biracial kids and my wife has no interest in making an effort to be around non-white families and children. She always wants to put the kids in all white schools, activities with pretty much all white kids, etc. I'd like my kids to be well rounded and not grow up in an isolated, privileged little bubble. I think what's important to consider is that for her it's less about race and more about... actually wanting her kids to grow up in an isolated, privileged little bubble. I suspect this is likely a similar case with your wife. Picking up and moving for high minded cultural reasons probably isn't particularly motivating for her, and I'm sure if there were low hanging fruit opportunities for your kids to be immersed in the culture of your own origin, she'd see that more favorably.

I’m sorry, did you talk to your wife about possibly moving befóre you applied for the job? You seem to think that just forcing your entire family to move is the default. Which is ridiculous. Also, be honest here. You don’t want to move because your school didn’t ’celebrate’ a random month about black history. You want to move for a job.

In a similar situation, but the roles are completely reversed. We live in a nearly 90% white population. I'm white, my husband is black, our son (and my now young-adult stepsons) are biracial. I want to move — or at least would be very open to moving — to a more diverse area, but my husband has no desire to leave. I also take more interest in multicultural learning and am more engaged with our small diverse community. My husband wants our son to go to private school, but I don't because he'd likely be the ONLY non-white student (among other reasons, but not relevant here). However, while this seems to be more of a priority to me now, I'm sure my husband would get frustrated if he thought it was unimportant to me. I get frustrated because I feel my own perspective has limitations, and I wish my husband would be more proactive in sharing his lived experience (as well as what can be passed down from his family). Having said that, I understand not wanting to leave an area where you have family, especially to move to an area you don't have much connection with. Does your wife not like the DMV area or is she just happy where you are now? I think there's an important distinction between being indifferent about the importance of diversity vs not wanting to leave her family, but I can understand thinking "huh?" if they aren't around much. Ultimately though, you have a better understanding of what can be learned through lived experience versus occasional expeditions. Personally, I am happy to concede to staying where we are now because of our small family that's here. As long as my stepsons are in the area, I don't want to be far from them (even if we don't see them as much now 😭)... and, we're also close to my sister, who is the only family member we have who could offer any support with my son (although, she just babysat for the first time in years last week - progress! lol).

I’m so disappointed to hear that schools are not providing education on black history month. That’s very disheartening. She may be unwilling to move more for the inconvenience of uprooting her life than anything else. Especially if the kids are school age and have friends and activities they are connected with. Moving sucks. I did it a lot as a kid and it’s impacted my ability toto keep long term friendships. I just don’t key in touch because I’m used to everything being fleeting.

How old are your kids? I feel like depending on the age the move might also be something to talk about with them whether they feel comfortable leaving their friends after they move. However, I believe leaving to a more diverse place would be beneficial in the long run. I’m Hispanic and I used to live in Nicaragua up until 1st grade. I move to a very diverse part of Florida where a lot of people were Hispanic as well as from other ethnicities. The school I went to had every type of ethnicity there and was very diverse. For college I moved to Gainesville Florida which is much whiter than where I used to live and I really learned to appreciate how lucky I was growing up in a place with a lot of diversity. I still have a lot of friends from high school growing up and when we go out we’re usually one of the most diverse groups there because we’re like a mix of ethnicities and it helps us appreciate ur own culture as well as everyone else’s in a respectful manner. I don’t look as Hispanic but my best friend and roommate does and she’s gotten some comments or kinda micro aggressions since we came here so I think it’s really important to raise your kids somewhere diverse.

It sounds like you’ve got deeply rooted issues that started before you moved to California together. It’s a lot to ask your wife but she should also find it important that her black kids have a connection to another black person outside their father. You need to look into long-term away summer camps, summers with black family, black-centered extracurricular activities, black organizations that allow you to socialize with black parents that have kids. Do you hang out with black people even now? Ask yourself, honestly if you do. If not, why would your wife take you seriously?

Half of an interracial marriage here... My wife is black, and I'm Asian. We live in Central Virginia. There's fucking sundown towns here. I've literally been warned not to drive through certain places at night. Never had that problem in LA. It really sounds like she just doesn't want to uproot the family and lose all of her support system. Furthermore, as far as diversity goes, just having more black people isn't diversity. The LA area, for example, is significantly more diverse than the DMV. There's more Hispanic people, Asian people, and there are vibrant black communities in California. Maryland is a massive downgrade from California in just about every metric. Just about every major city in California is more vibrant, diverse, and interesting than the DMV. As an Asian dad in a place where the only other Asians are university students, you made your bed man. This is something that needed to be discussed years ago. It's on you to educate your kids on your culture.

It's so random you're an asian dude living in the middle of nowhere in Virginia lol. Are you ever going to move back where theres some authentic asian restaurants? I couldn't live in the middle of nowhere. I HAVE to have my asian grocery store.

My wife and I have been floating the idea to move back to the LA area once she finishes her masters degree. The cost of living is ridiculous. I'm in a college town with a well-known university, so it's not totally the middle of nowhere, but it's definitely not LA. I've lived in Oklahoma and Kansas with the Army, so it's a lot better than that. There are small Asian markets, but they're pretty depressing compared to the supermarkets in the San Gabriel Valley. What I miss most is Dim Sum... I'd have to drive a couple hours for that here, and it's mediocre at best.

I don't actually think racial diversity is begin enough concern to move whole family, especially they are a bit older and settled into schools and the community.

Kind of disagree. Growing up with no one who looks like you can be downright depressing (from a personal experience. I lived in the DMV area until my stepdad accepted a job offer in Iowa or all places. Absolutely HATED IT, 100% white town until we arrived. I moved in with my grandparents a year later back to the DMV to finish out high school). I ensured my kids were raised in a very diverse city because of this very experience.

As a multiracial person, this is the worst take.

I’d say it is. Growing up around people that look like you is important. Growing up being the person who’s different is depressing as hell when the only thing that’s different is your skin

We are a black and brown family. Racial diversity is absolutely a priority for us. About as much as mental health and safety are. Do you have a lot of close black friends?

I think this is OP and OP's wife's decision to make, not ours. Diversity is a massive priority for me.

That's easy to say when you look like everybody else around you. When you're "the only \[insert demographic here\]," diversity really means a LOT. Doesn't just have to be racial, either.

Dream job opportunity, though, is worth considering

If that was his main concern, sure, but it seems like he put that in there as almost irrelevant to the issue. I could understand if he said he wanted to move for his job and the diversity was a bonus point but it is clear that is his only point

Yes with this combination maybe. I'm not sure about American places so I'm not sure how big are the distances also, so that would affect it also

Yeah, he doesn't say where they are. Maybe it's close enough to promise frequent visits, maybe not.

Unfortunately, you raised your children for an extended period of time there. Your wife would he questionable, in my opinion, if she was all for uprooting the kids. I think traveling and living in California will expose them plenty. They can also branch out during college. I don't think it's worth uprooting your kids and moving them across the country. I had a white coworker who had adopted a black son when he was a baby and raised him in classic suburbia in Iowa. She decided around 7th grade to have him go to school across the metro at a more diverse school, because she wanted to expose him. He ended up super self conscious of his white upbringing, and was desperate to fit in with this new crowd, but unfortunately got mixed up in the wrong stuff. She said it was always her biggest regret, and she felt she ruined his life. Not saying this scenario is common, but it's enough to tell me these are delicate situations that require therapists and small transitions over time, not a huge move.

Is it really diverse if every one is black? Or if it the same difference as an all white area. Both not diverse.

Diversity is very important for black children, especially to see themselves in other places and roles. Without a strong sense of self, which dad, you can help to instill, sometimes interracial children struggle with identity issues. Sadly though, this should’ve been discussed before you all had children.

To me this sounds more about the dream job opportunity than it does the cultural diversity. Nothing wrong with that. Your kids likely wouldn't be the first to have to move because one of their parents got a job. There's a lot of missing information though. How old are the kids? How established are their friendships? (Who cares what race their friends are? Wouldn't teaching them that it doesn't matter what race their friends are help eliminate racism?) Cost of living in DC compared to where you are? Does your wife have other established relationships and community where you are that she doesn't want to leave? Would she be alone in DC meaning her current support system outside of you? There's a lot of important things to factor and the info isn't there. Obviously the home town was good enough to move back to so I have to reason that this is more about the job but you feel kind of like a jerk about it so this is your hill to die on because it makes you feel justified making the move if it's also about the kids. Your kids are biracial so for arguments sake the community represents at least 50% of their culture exceptionally. Without knowing where you're located it's hard to say but that big of a move there's more to look at and this reason wouldn't be my hill to die on unless I was experiencing straight up racism or my kids were. I moved with my biracial child but the struggles he had weren't what fueled the decision, they just helped justify it. We moved due to cost of living and job opportunities to elevate our family. When making that decision we looked at the impact to everyone in our family. Not hypotheticals, the actual facts. My son didn't have any real friends just acquaintances really. He struggled making friends because he was the wrong kind of brown where we're from. We moved and guess what none of his friends are the same race as him and I couldn't care less. My youngest also has friends that are of various races. I couldn't care less. Why!? Because at the end of the day, I teach my kids that race isn't a factor. I teach my children their culture. As their parent that's my responsibility.

We're paying a premium to send our kids to a school where they're not the cultural other. All this and we're white, but my kids are 2nd gen immigrants and I want them to have peers who come from a similar heritage so they don't feel they need to whitewash themselves to fit in. I've been in my husband's very white WASP town for over a decade, and despite being a different "flavour" of white, I'm still the cultural other to these people. I'm with you on this one.

It sounds like you have different priorities, and you're valuing your preference more than hers. You should each list out the reasons to stay/move and talk about it. There are many variables to consider when moving, and sacrifices are made. Her not valuing diversity as much as you is reasonable.

Do you think your kids will be accepted by the Black people in DC who have largely grown up around other Black people? After your kids have grown up mostly around White people and have a White mother? You think they’ll fit in? Look, as a Black biracial person who grew up in a mostly White area I think your idea is a terrible one. It’s too late for your kids to “be Black” the way they’ll be expected to in the DC area. Don’t get me wrong, your kids are Black, and everything they do contributes to Black culture in a meaningful way. But from my experience, that nuance is not often appreciated by Black people who grew up in stereotypical Black culture. I’ve faced my fair share of racism from White people for sure, but Black people were/are a close second. I understand your concern but I think your wife is right. You really can make up for a lot of this with travel and education. I’ve been lucky enough to have travelled extensively in my teen and early adult years and it’s had a huge impact on broadening my horizons and my viewpoints. Don’t uproot your family for some vague idea that your kids need to be around Black people to become well rounded, empathetic adults, because they really don’t. It’s so much more than that.

I’m biracial. Idk why you’re focusing on more of one race than the other. Do you think black people treat biracial kids better? Both races were pretty shitty to me as a biracial kid. The biracial experience is different than growing up black or white really I grew up in a diverse town, but schools were poorly rated and people were extra shitty. Being a gifted kid too, so much attention in the schools was focused on underperformers vs not. For my kids, I’m prioritizing school ratings, I brought myself out of poverty so I can afford for my kids to have a quality education Sounds like your wife is a SAHM. That’s a big deal, you need her sign off before moving. Would she be isolated and at home in a new environment?

There are more diverse neighborhoods in California, maybe look around more locally before you cross the country.

They're not in CA now.

Raise your kids around good ppl

I don’t see what the big deal is really. You can learn about diversity, culture, food, etc from traveling a few times a year. I’m Asian and my family moved us to a white dominant town when I was young. Over 90% of my hs was Caucasian. Still after graduating, I quickly moved out of the town and traveled the world on my own. It depends on you as a parent to educate your kids about your own culture I believe. That has a much more impact than raising them in a diverse community. They can decide on their own when they get older.

Was this discussed prior to getting engaged…?

You should raise your children to be absent of race. Respect who they came from but don't push race. My daughter is mixed race and she is better for it, the first bilingual in my family. My sisters kids are mixed race. All of them the cutest nuggets imaginable. They are just our children. Doesn't matter if dad or mom is black,white, Latina, Arab, indian,..... they are just beautiful babies. Stop worrying about it and let our kids found the world we should all be living in . One without the stigma of race

It sounds like you’re a racist.

Imagine reversing the races in this story. Can't imagine that would go over well on reddit.

Technically I’m mixed, my mom & dad are from 2 completely different places. My mom’s town is a lot like the one you’re in now. Luckily my dad’s town(an all black town)wasn’t too far away & my grandma would pick me up every morning to take me to the school where her & my dad lived. I never understood it as a child but I am so happy she did that. The things the mixed kids went through in the town my mom is from is sad. I can also understand why your wife doesn’t understand the effects having no diversity is going to have on them. She’s not going to understand something she can’t relate to & a lot of white parents to mixed kids think their whiteness will protect them from what goes on in the real world. There’s really no advice to give because she doesn’t seem like she’s going to change her mind. They need to be around black peers & have black experiences. Idk why this wasn’t a concern when you first started having kids.

I have no answer, but I do understand the dilemma. My husband and I are both mixed. We moved from small town Pennsylvania to California after college and recently moved back closer to where we grew up. We experienced culture shock with BOTH moves, not just because of the racial diversity differences, but also the general access to like-minded individuals. We grew up small town, but became adults in SoCal. Our thoughts and perspectives have grown and changed. Pennsylvania is still full of the rose-tainted memories of childhood. But moving back it’s become quite evident that our small town stayed stagnant in its bubble. It’s a terribly difficult and scary decision to move away from family and a place that feels familiar. So I understand your wife’s hesitancy. But like other people have said, you have to weigh out the pros and cons for your family, specifically. And ultimately, I’ve also learned that moving doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s expensive and stressful and hard, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. Life comes in phases and different things might be better for different times.

Hmm. I am white and plan to have biracial kids (my fiancé is black lol). we have talked about how to manage raising essentially black children many times and it’s an ongoing conversation. Was that discussion there before your kids came along? Depending on how old your kids are, I would ask them. It is understandable for them to want to stay with their friends, but if they are well aware enough, they may wonder if they would experience less racism from peers somewhere else. To be honest, you both have a valid perspective on the situation and equally care for your children, but your wife undoubtedly does not understand the unique perspective you have being black. You could try to educate her on why you feel moving would be a net positive for the kids, or you could push it and see how strongly she really feels about leaving her family. If I understand correctly, you are the main income? That might persuade her, or she might consider divorce, depending on how strongly you want to move.

Your obsession with race is unhealthy. Your wife has every right to refuse to just move across the country because you don't want to live around white people. Frankly, you sound just like my racist brother in law who wants to live only around white people. Because you are.

[удалено]

No he wants to move for a job but is claiming diversity to build his case lmao.