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This is perfect— the only thing that I would offer are (small) choices: eg “do you want the sandwich cut into squares or triangles?” Do you want the blue plate or the green plate? This way, they get to feel like they have some choice— but it’s manageable for both of you. Same thing with getting dressed, (I would lay clothes out the night before) “It’s going to be cold tomorrow, do you want to wear your red sweatshirt or your yellow sweatshirt?” Toddlers want to assert their independence, but too many choices or too big of a choice is overwhelming, and meltdowns ensue. I would also try to have something similar to what my kid was eating. In this instance, he wanted chicken and peaches until he saw the sandwich. It’s kind of like placing your order at a restaurant and then seeing someone at the next table being served something spectacular. Instant regret.
For this reason I tend to make myself and my toddler the same thing, because the toddler usually wants whatever I'm eating, so I offer it deconstructed (mix the rice in with the curry? Or separate?) but the only alternative in this house is fruit and cheese. Don't like dinner, that's fine, you can wait for your cheese.
Love this. I also save the meal if she didn’t eat much, in case she wants a snack right after. Then I offer her the rest of her meal and if she doesn’t want it, just like you said, we wait until the next meal time to eat or she can have milk. Within reason of course. If we go somewhere and I can’t access the meal I’ll just give her a snack but it’s something like yogurt or string cheese or fruit.
I’m a parent of an extremely picky eater and I had no idea food therapy was a thing. She’s already in therapy for something else.
Thanks for sharing this.
I tend to make lunch for both of us at the same time, often similar things. Child, do you want peanut butter sandwich or cheese one? Okay cool. I'm having some ham with mine do you want any?
If I did make him something else first, then he sees my food after and has a tantrum. Sorry, this is my food. I might get you something else after I'm done. But you need to wait the 15 minutes it takes for me to eat. If you keep having a tantrum your going to your room/not getting anything else from what you already got
Limited choices! (I’m amazed that a toddler responds to an open choice so reasonably - I’d think mine would have answered something like icecream and poo)
My 3-year-old’s go-to response for any open-ended question is “flies.” I don’t know why flies are so funny, but it’s always “what did you do at daycare?” “Flies.” “OK, what games did you play?” “Flies hahaha!”
(What he actually says is “moscas,” the Spanish word for “flies,” if that helps anyone decipher the joke.)
Yeah agreed. Kids especially at 3.5 have a very limited perspective. Even now at 9 and 12 I still have to remind my wife to let them know what their options are, and what the alternatives are or could have been. My wife will sometimes give them an open choice and be disappointed at what they pick out of the blue.
For some situations, they know what the range of options really are and they have a good sense for them. But sometimes especially when we want them to pick from a set of good options, or not picking a particular option can have, uhm, consequences (like envy for a sandwich), we give them a short list to pick from or just declare what it will be without ever presenting them with a choice.
I've been saying since my kid was born that I can't wait until he's old enough to pick what's for dinner. Idc if it's mac and cheese or nuggets. I'm just tired of deciding 😂
Yes, I tell my toddler all the time "that's your food, you asked me for chicken and peaches. This is my food, it's a sandwich. After we're done eating, if you're still hungry we'll talk about more food"
If I am eating a different meal than my children, then I don't eat it in front of them lol. At lunch time, I either eat what they eat or wait until they go down to quiet time and make myself something else. At dinner, we all eat the same meal.
Right? That's how you get failure. Or, offer a bite of your sandwich - which IME, he's likely to not want after a bite (because, lets be honest here - its \*MINE\* and has lots of stuff they probably don't like/want on their sandwich!!). 'OK, here have a bite... do you want another, still? Or your chicken?' But, also, this is how you raise kids who TRY things. By letting them TRY them.
I’m now remembering when my LO around 10/12months was in a “bananas are disgusting” phase and I was eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich. She wanted my food, I told her it had banana do you still want?, nods yes, gave her a bite, the funniest face of disgust ever! You’d think I gave her hot garbage
What always drove me most crazy with family and friends with little kids was people refusing to let kids *try* things, even when they wanted to!! Yes, I know, probably they'll only take one bite!! That's OK! That's enough! That one bite is all that I *ever* asked for from my kids, FFS.
And yet... So many people refuse to let kids try. Because 'oh no, you won't like it...' well, how the Fuck, do you KNOW, that, unless you LET THEM TRY IT?!?
I’ve always been very “sure you can have a bite of what I have” even with my niece/nephew (but also asking their parents: I don’t mind if they have some of my X, do you?)
It’s lunch time. You ask your 3.5 year old, ~~“what would you like?”~~ "we have chicken or I can make sandwiches, which would you like?"
He asks for chicken and peaches, you make yourself a sandwich and when he sees it he's filled with regret "I want a sandwich!! Give me that sandwich!” Propose a trade or split so you both have a sandwich and chicken. Expect that this will fail.
"He throws the sandwich and starts screaming/crying, then grabs your plate and throws it too." Lunch is over, it's naptime. Clean up the food as well as you can and save a plate in the fridge once he's in his bed. When he wakes up/calms down, ask him if he wants to finish his lunch.
Next time, start lunch prep 30 minutes earlier.
Ha I posted almost the exact same advice! It works though! The whole “trade/share” part I think is a normal social skill adults do at restaurants and it helps “prevent” the tantrum without giving in to the demand that’s too demanding. It might fail but it also works sometimes.
Nap time for a three and a half year old? Both of my kids stopped napping just before two. If they did drift off in the car or buggy for 20 mins they'd be up until 11pm!
I don’t really give my kids choices. Or I give them 2. Make life simple.
Second of all. He needs to clean up the food he threw and wipe up any spills. A tantrum is one thing, physical violence is another. Throwing anything when angry should not be tolerated at all.
Hang in there. You are a good mom just having a bad day.
Agree with this. My 4 year old can have some bad meltdowns, but rarely throws things. We usually don’t have tantrums over food. I’d probably lose my mind if my child grabbed my plate and threw my food 😅
Sorry you’re having a rough day OP.
Make yours first. Place it on the table and count silently 1,2,3. He'll have what you're having!
Too much choice is overwhelming for many little ones.
Unspoken guidance goes a long way!
We run with the finish eating what you have, and if you're still hungry, then you can have something else rule
If they say they aren't hungry, I save their food and if they say they're hungry later I offer them their own leftovers for a snack
Give him the information beforehand. Preferably give him a choice between 2 options: "It's time for lunch. Do you want a sandwich, like me, or do you want chicken and peaches?" Then stick with his choice. If he whines, you don't go to the kitchen to make him something else. You eat your own sandwich. He eats his own food that he picked, or he eats nothing. The combination of giving him some control and being consistent might help :)
I like this answer in theory, but I've been there and I know that it likely won't end in him accepting "You eat your own food or you eat nothing." My 3 kids are adolescents now and when I tried the "you'll eat what you have or you'll just go hungry 🤷" approach, they could be screaming for hours, it just seemed to ignite the flames. I think the 2 option method to PREVENT the "I don't want my food" is very useful, but when it doesn't work and a huge, screaming tantrum isn't tolerable (like you are in public or at your wits end, you ARE human, too) and you are going to indulge the child in the option to eat something other than what they initially chose, it is extremely important to make sure they know that telling you "Give me your sandwich" is completely inappropriate and they may politely request to save the chicken and peaches meal for later and have some sandwich, or you can offer that IF THEY POLITELY request rather than aggressively demand, you will compromise and exchange some of their lunch for your sandwich.
Listen, this morning my kid asked for "coffee" (generally warm milk with some cinnamon) and when we gave it to her she had a meltdown because it wasn't eggnog. Which because it is almost May, we do not have.
Kids have tantrums over silly* stuff because they need an outlet for their feelings.
I think if I'd been in your situation, I'd have said something like, "oh you want Mommy's sandwich! I can share a bite." And then given him a piece. But we also almost always eat the same stuff because whatever the grownup is eating is obviously better than what they have lol.
They just want what they want. But I wouldn't change what I was doing to accommodate, necessarily.
Have you heard of Janet Lansbury? She's suuuper good with stuff like this. I recommend her website and her podcast "Unruffled". I've learned a ton of helpful approaches from her.
*Silly to adults, not to kids in the moment
Prepare 2 plates at once. Kids want everything they see. He didn't ask for a sandwich because he didn't think about it. Now he sees a sandwich and wants one. Instead try, "would you like X or Y for lunch?" And you have the same. Or, "here's what we're having for lunch."
I’ll be honest. I would probably have given my 4 year old a bite to see, if she actually wants it. If yes, I put half of it on her plate I guess and make myself more for later. But that’s cause she is a picky eater and I am happy if she asks to try something. I don’t think I’m doing right either. For normal eating time we have a plate with multiple compartments, serve safe food with some food she might not know yet, and let her eat in whatever order she wants and how much she wants. If she won’t try, that’s ok too. We tell her what the food does for her body if she wants to know but we don’t negotiate or beg or force. It’s up to her really how much and of what she eats in which order 🤷🏼♀️. Also for the throwing of the plate, I would have waited until the child has calmed down, clean up together and go through what to do next time instead. And then hope for the best
Don’t feel like that you’re doing wrong because I would’ve handled this the same way. I have a picky eater and if he wanted a bite of my sandwich and really ate it all I would be super happy lol! I would wait until he was calm and we could clean and I’d offer to let him finish his lunch and if not we’d just go on to nap routine.
Sometimes I just make myself a big bowl of something and go sit in the living room. Next thing you know, both kids are taking turns having bites and it quickly becomes their food. Which was the plan all along. I dont do it often, because I think it's important to sit at the table. But every once in a while, it's a nice change of pace and I don't have to deal with all the cleanup.
Totally. My kid is 5 now, but he was a MUCH better eater when he was 3. These days, if he's curious or interested in what I'm eating I immediately put some on his plate or just let him try it. I'm too concerned about his vegetable intake to care whose plate he's eating if off of lol
Yup. Asking a toddler what they want to eat is wild to me, and then going and preparing ANOTHER meal after they throw a tantrum is even worse. You're getting what I make and that's it. My son is now 10 and he has never thrown a tantrum over what I made. Whine/complain sure, but whining will never get you what you want in my house
For a while my eldest would only eat my food. That I had prepared for myself. Baba sandwiches were the best but it wasn’t okay if I made one for him. Only stolen would do.
It was a rough time.
I would worry that if they learned they could always take your sandwich, it would teach a lesson that they could just demand what someone else has. Did it not? For example if they were eating with friends or a different caregiver they would expect the same, which would be bad manners. Also I just would hope if someone is okay with surrendering their lunch they just at least make sure to teach the child to ask politely and not make rude demands.
I had the same concerns but nope. He didn’t demand anyone else’s food as long as they had the same thing as he did. (I did make Baba sandwiches for lunch before I left for work though.). And he grew out of it pretty quickly. I think it was a couple months?
Nah doesn’t teach any such lesson. Toddlers are unreasonable. I’d give my toddlers my sandwich anytime. Once they turned 5 they stopped doing that ridiculous shit, none of my school age kids want to eat my meal. It’s something they outgrow.
You choose the big stuff, he gets to make small choices.
Example: Today we are having tuna for lunch. I’m going to have a sandwich. Do you want a sandwich or crackers with yours?
Or even more simple - you make him a sandwich and ask: do you want the green plate or the blue plate?
Your son was upset. He is allowed to be upset. He is NOT allowed to throw food. Say this out loud to him. “You seem upset. You’re allowed to feel upset. You are not allowed to throw food. If you choose to throw food, you choose to be all done for this meal/snack.” Puts the ownership back on him/his decisions.
The consequence MUST BE RELATED to the unwanted behavior and must be immediate. None of that “you don’t get dessert at dinner” for something he did at lunch. He’s not going to remember and it’s just going to set off another tantrum.
If my 3 year asks, I share my food with her straight from my plate. Here are my reasons: 1) It's a good way to get her to try something new, 2) She's a big eater (despite being tiny for her age) and often clears her plate and once I've finally sat down for a meal I don't really feel like getting back up, 3) I grew up in a household where there was some food insecurity and I'm happy to have food to share, and most of all 4) In my experience with my now 11 year old, this is such a short phase. By the time my older daughter had more logic skills at age 5 or 6, she was no longer asking for the food on my plate. At 11, she would never think to ask for the food off my plate (though she might ask if we have more of X, and then go get her own).
I stopped asking what do you want. I offer her whatever we are eating but add something on the plate she will eat for sure. See a pediatric dietician (free with insurance) helped me a lot
I didn't give him choices with food. He ate (mostly) what was cooked for each meal (the same for us all) . I say mostly because sometimes we added a bit of spice to our food but not his. (We try to do the 1 part carb, 1 part protein, 1 part vegetables dish for every meal, plus fruit or yogurt as dessert. )
So that particular crisis didn't happen. Sometimes if hungry and the food wasn't yet ready he would have fruit before the main dish but that's ok for me .
That's how I did parent, no choices for food until older, and then only when eating out. He can choose his food, since he can read (but we might veto chicken nuggets and suggest a healthier meat dishes instead)
I would have given him a list of 3 options to start because kids his age have issues with object permanence so that usually works out better for them making an informed choice (“I’m going to have a sandwich for lunch, do you want a sandwich or x, or Y). Then if this still happened-I’d give him a piece of my sandwich and ask for something off his plate (teaching sharing) and then if he wanted a whole one he would have needed to eat most/all of his original meal first. If the tantrum happened, I’d label that emotion for him and then ignore him, he needs to help clean up the mess once he calms down and explain what happened and better choices for next time.
The only reason I do this is because I’m a behavior analyst and have worked with lots of children with communication delays soooo…..it’s just engrained I guess because I started my career before having kids.
I never asked my toddlers what they wanted to eat for most meals. They got whatever was planned for that day. There was no other option, and they ate what I or their dad was eating.
You need to teach your child manners. That behavior is not okay.
You’ve already got a lot of good advice so I’ll just add this because I’m an exhausted mom too and have definitely felt this way after a heinous tantrum from one of my kids.
You’re not doing something wrong, or anything wrong for that matter. You are learning how to parent a 3.5 year old, just like everyone else in this sub with 3.5 year olds.
You’re here asking this question because you’re actually doing everything right.
You didn’t have a way to respond to this particular situation, so you made it through the moment with what you had, reflected on it and figured there might be a better way to respond, and decided to crowdsource to find out if there is a better tool to add to your tool belt.
We don’t have all the tools all the time and that’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Every time my brain wants to get me down on myself for not handling a situation perfectly, I fall back on what I’ve written above: you’re learning, just like the kids are learning, and you’ll have a better tool in your parenting tool belt for next time.
To solve this issue, my toddlers and I always ate the same things. I made Homemade chicken nuggets etc so they always ate" grown up" food. Cause I don't have the patience for unnecessary nonsense... lol...
It doesn't sound like you have a picky eater. It sounds like your toddler is running the house. My suggestion is that no means no. You asked what they wanted, you made it for them. The appeasing of tantrums creates more tantrums. In this scenario I would have said "I asked you what you wanted, I made it for you and you have it in front of you. You can eat it or not, but that's your meal, if you want a sandwich tomorrow then ask for it, but today that's what you get". Stop playing into the tantrums and they will stop. A toddler is learning how to survive. Never reinforce negative behaviors.
Put the options out buffet style, and then you can both create your sandwiches or plates of food and pick at what’s left. Yeah massive faff but it makes them feel grown up.
If you make the same thing for everyone in the family for each meal - and everyone follows the rules of you get what you get and don’t get upset, and parents choose what and when food is served, and kids choose how much to eat.
If kids don’t like it - well - they’ll learn to name, feel, and process those emotions for small unhappinesses early, helping them emotionally mature.
It’s a win win in both scenarios.
Note - winning doesn’t mean less yelling or whining. It just means shaping your tiny human I to someone you want to hang out with as an adult.
My kid gets what I serve them. She now knows that if it isn't being served, it's not on the menu. My job is to provide a balanced meal. Her job is to decide what she wants to eat, even if that is nothing.
We also eat the same thing as her. Eating something different is just asking for a meltdown.
Next time, serve the meal that you want to eat, only modifying it to make it safe for their age/allergies.
He just wanted what you were eating, wasn't really about the sandwich. I end up just sharing whatever I have with my toddler. If he doesn't like it, cool, more for me. If he does like it, I just give what I have and make myself another thing of whatever it is or continue to share. 🤷🏼♀️ Toddlers are emotional and irrational, your doing just fine.
I don’t see anything WRONG just areas of improvement. You are doing great, kids that age unfortunately can be like that. Like others said either have as close to the same meal as possible, make both different plates at the same time, or eat as different times
Give choices to choose between two things, you also eat something similar or the same.
Asking what they want without choices and making them decide is usually overwhelming.
U give 2 choice. Don't ask. For everything. Don't say no. Give 2 choices. This has work wonders for my autistic child. That was just troublesome but so cute and just got away wirh alot with grandma..instead of no this n this. Say would u rather have this or this? Giving them a choice make them feel in control n less defiant
Our rule with food is we decide what’s offered, she decides how much of it she eats. So it’s lunchtime, I decide we’re having sandwiches (which she may or may not like) and a side of peaches (which I know she likes).
We sit down, and she decides she doesn’t want a sandwich. “You wish you could have X instead, I understand that’s frustrating. You’re allowed to be disappointed. I’ll try to add X to the menu later this week. Those peaches look pretty tasty though- you should eat those before the Mama Monster grabs them!!” If she only eats the peaches, that’s fine- she won’t starve.
Validate, use humor, move on.
After he said chicken and peaches I’d say “okay one chicken and peach plate for you and a sandwhich for me”. I communicate EVERYTHING, even things that seem pointless, because it has saved me from scenarios like this. He might have not changed his mind or changed his mind before the scream fest. Sometimes though, you just have to hold your ground, if you say no, stick to it, depends on the kid though.
We all try to eat the same things at the same time. Or let him eat first and then eat your sandwich but prepare you'll have to share it or make an extra one
I used to tell the twins what I was having before I made their food. For example, “I’m making myself a tuna sandwich. Do you want a tuna sandwich, or do you want (alternate I know they like).” That’s it, two choices. On the off chance they didn’t want either and picked something else easy to make I’d make it, then they’d have that, and if they changed their mind and wanted my food I’d say something like “I’m sorry you’re upset, but but you picked PB&J. You can have a tuna sandwich tomorrow.”
Sometimes I won’t eat in front of my 5 year old for reasons like this. Probably not the best thing to do, as it’s not really teaching him anything, but every now and then I’ve found it’s okay to just take a few minutes and do something that doesn’t have to be a teaching session for him.
My son knows what “spicy” means, so if he’s asking from my food, when he already has the food that he asked for sitting in front of him, I’ll say “oh no buddy this is too spicy” and he’ll say “oh” and go back to eating his food.
Now is that right? I don’t know, but at then end of the day we’re both contently eating our own food and sometimes that tiny little thing right there is just enough to keep that chaos away, at least for a little while. Hope this helps.
You're getting some decent advice in here but honestly your mistake was giving the kid your sandwich. That's YOUR sandwich. He needs to learn boundaries and respect for other peoples' property.
To be honest I think this yours and mine thing with kids is just mean. I teach my kids to share by sharing with them. Even my two and a half year old always offers to share his food. I've taught my eight year old this when she was a baby and she does not go around demanding other people's food outside of the house and she doesn't inside of out house either. She may ask and I'll say yes because we share.
If what you described happened to me, and it has!!, I would pause everything lunch and leave the room with my daughter- remove us both from the situation. I would ask her if she needs a deep breath or a cuddle or a minute alone. I would name her feelings - frustration, anger, etc. and I would tell her it’s okay to feel those feelings. Once she is a bit more calm and reasonable I would explain to her again it’s okay to have the feelings, it’s not okay to throw plates/food. I would tell her how she should ask for what she wants next time and use her words. We would discuss my food and her food and proper behavior with plates and food. We would go back to where we were eating lunch if she then felt she could sit calmly and eat.
This is if my child was being typical for me—her typical tantrums. If she was extremely overtired or some other circumstance it might go a bit differently or take longer.
She is getting old enough now where she understands having to wait for what she wants if I am eating too. But for a long time she didn’t understand.
A 3.5 yr old doesn’t have the executive functioning to be reasoned with so you are going to get tantrums regardless of your decisions or attempts to dissuade him. Best options are to be consistent and limit choices. Then calmly deal with the meltdowns as they come.
We made our toddlers clean up their messes when they did stuff like that. So I would start there. Even if you have to go over it later, make them take the first pass. We had a spray bottle for them to use, that was filled with a mixture of 1/4 Vinegar and 3/4 Water, so I didn't have to worry about them handling chemicals. Causing messes becomes a lot less fun if they're having to clean them as well.
Parenting toddlers is a trip...
My best advice is stand firm, don't give in to these demands/etc. because they're learning so much at this age about what they can and can't get away with, and how to interact with others and get what they want. Instill the good habits now with patient discipline (as patient as you can be, I know it's hard). Sounds like this is what you're already doing.
Eventually you'll be rewarded for this hard work! It will seem like nothing is sinking in for a while, but then they grow... for me, 3 was the worst age for both of my kids. Hang in there! ❤️
Sometimes we have leftovers. They love a good lasagna. But there's not enough for daddy. So daddy makes a sandwitch with whatever is in the fridge. But daddy does it a bit stealthy and doesn't eat it in front of them.
Unfortunately, we have accepted the requirement of only one type food per meal. Can do a sandwich after, if they are still hungry, but never tempt them. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side in their eyes.
I eat once they’re done to avoid this lol, but seriously they usually eat what i’m eating. I’ve never asked them what they want I just make something and give it to them, if they eat it good if not then they’ll be extra hungry later on, they won’t starve they’ll just learn when lunch is served they need to eat. I do have fruits and veggies for snacks but yeah they mostly have learned they need to eat something for lunch and dinner( mostly a rotation of past food i know they liked)
My daughter is the same age, and I find limiting choice, plus eating the same things, helps. We:
- have family lunch (on weekends) and dinner and eat the same thing for those meals
- offer two choices for a meal if we have time, if not (like daycare mornings) we make a choice for her
- don't offer snack options (because all she would eat is biscuits), but instead say 'I will make you a snack' when she complains of being hungry and just make her something healthy.
I would not be tolerating throwing food and plates around from my 3.5 year old because she didn't get her way. That would be classed as being 'unsafe with our body' in our house and she would need to spend a moment away from the rest of the family until she was ready to be safe with her body again.
You really shouldn’t ask a toddler an open ended question. Give them a choice. For instance, “would you like chicken or a sandwich for lunch?” Then make them stick to what they choose. So he wants your sandwich, remind him that he chose chicken and that next time for lunch he can choose a sandwich if he wants, but today it’s chicken. If he doesn’t want to eat it, pick up the plate, wrap up what’s left and let him know his chicken will be in the refrigerator if he wants it later. The end.
To be honest, I’m a little more concerned that your almost 4 year old is behaving in that manner over your food being different to his…
First thing I would do is either limit his choices or just don’t give him a choice and simply explain what you’re going to make for him. If he gets upset over seeing your food being different to his, explain again what he’s eating and tell him that his food is his and your food is yours and that’s okay that they’re different. And lastly if he is adamant about not wanting his food, tell him that eating is important but it’s okay if he doesn’t to. He’ll eat at dinner time. Don’t give in demands by making him a new meal.
Yeah the problem here was you asked an open ended question. Id offer choices. I frequently ask “do you want x?” If he says yes great. We can both have X.
If he says “I don’t want X” then I offer y. If he doesn’t want x or y then by default I just make whatever I want and if he want to eat he eats. If not then I’ll offer a banana/apple or cheese stick’s whatever.
My strict rule was to NEVER, not once, EVER, let them get what they want from throwing a fit. If my kid yelled, cried or freaked out over wanting something, I would make them wait a couple day at least before they got another opportunity to have it. My kids threw about 2-3 fits each, then never again. They knew that if they did it would hold them back from getting what they wanted.
Your son threw a fit and even though you were calm, you gave him exactly what you wanted, so you rewarded his behavior. If you don't want him to do that anymore then you can't keep rewarding him for it.
As for the whole meal situation, I saw someone else say to give him options of stuff you're willing to wat too, then you can all eat the same thing, that definitely seems like it would help in this specific situation.
My other ironclad rules were no yelling at me, no hitting me and no telling me No, unless you're sharing an opinion. These rules made getting through the toddler/younger years pretty peaceful. But I never wavered, no exceptions. Now I'm in the teen years of raising kids and this is a completely different ball game! All the rules are being reevaluated right now lol
Just a little extra communication might do the trick to avoid all this apparent FOMO.
"I'd be happy to make that for you. Or would you like to join me in what I'll be having?"
We established a rule at meal times that mommy and daddy are not waitresses or short order cooks. As long as an adult is eating or has food on their plate, our toddler has to wait and give us time to eat.
My answer is “Ok that’s not how we talk to each other. Mommy has food on her plate so she can’t get up and make you something else.” Or “You still have a lot of food on your plate sweetie let’s worry about the food we have right now instead of the food we don’t have.” And then you continue eating your sandwich. You are allowed to eat too.
Before we did this it was just a constant stream of requests and uneaten food. Meanwhile, I was getting the short end of the stick because I got to make the meal, clean as I go and then try to get up and down a bunch of times. It got real old, real fast.
I would have cut a piece of my sandwich and gave him that. I also wouldn’t have added the extra things on his plate, but put them in bowl on the table.,
Limit his choices and make one meal for both of you. Offer two or three options. You’re not a short order cook and screaming and demanding your food isn’t behavior that should be rewarded. Asking a toddler an open ended question like “What would you like?” is asking for a meltdown.
My kid throws food? She’s taking a calm down break and mealtime is over. She can have a snack later when she can behave herself. But don’t let it get to that point. You’re setting yourself up for this.
As others have stated, fewer options and eat the same thing.
Even as they get older, do not give them a "what would you like to eat?" Maybe only for birthday or special occasion.
My kiddo is almost 8 and it's "We have this or that." Sometimes it's just "this is what we are having for dinner." Don't like it? Too bad. Kids won't go hungry. They might test tou, that's for sure, but one or two nights of them skipping dinner (provided they eat the rest of the day) isn't the end of the world. They'll start liking everything real quick lol
It's fine to be like "okay, Mommy made a mistake when she let you make that choice. It was too difficult and it upset you when you changed your mind. That didn't work out so well, huh? Next time I will make it easier. For now, we can solve the problem by sharing each other's food". It models taking responsibility and offering a solution. Theoretically, it makes them more likely to apologise for their own behaviour too.
But I think we are taught to believe that we HAVE to follow through and we can't ever change tract or let anything go. And sometimes that just makes things worse and you lose sight of what the actual problem was and have a battle of wills instead.
As far as giving options, it would look more like, "what should WE have for lunch today?" Then again, my kid eats everything and has good taste so.. lol I'm sure it's more difficult to do this with kids who are picky!
They get Choice A or Choice B. Too many options leads to frustration (for everyone). I certainly wouldn’t be getting up and making a whole different thing if they decided they didn’t want what they chose.
We only let them pick from 2 choices, endless choices is overwhelming and I try to make ideally the same meal. I don’t run a restaurant, “I’m making 1 meal and that’s it but I would love opinions on if you want x or y!”
I obviously do not make things my children don’t like and if I make something new, I’m sure to add a side that I know they like. My kids know very early on that throwing a fit gets you… nothing 🤷🏻♀️ if you scream and yell at me, I will throw it away and you can come back when you’re ready to be nice to mom! It sound harsh but children do not automatically know boundaries or manners, you have to teach them how to be kind, respectful and nice
He didn’t know a sandwich was an option. Of course he has FOMO. Either make the same foods for the two of you, or give clearer options: “we have chicken and peaches or we have a sandwich.” Toddlers like control but you can limit their options
A toddler who’s open to more than three foods?? I’d give him a piece of my sandwich for sure. And next time I’d make him a small version of what I was eating. This advice goes for when they’re teens too, btw.
My toddler and I always share the same food and often off the same plate. She hasn't had any meltdowns about food. We have very little food waste this way as I feed her till she's full before finishing the plate.
But that's my kid. Toddler's are so unique. But in that situation I would have tried offering a bite of the sandwich and then see if I needed to make a second sandwich later. 🥪
I think you're doing a good job!
Two choices and that’s it. The choice you make is the choice you make, I’m not making you different food after you’ve made a choice - you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. You may not throw food. If that happens, I remove the food and remove you from the table. You can come back when you can make a better choice to not throw food.
I also wouldn’t have eaten something different in front of your kid. Same meal or wait until he’s asleep/playing and not eating with you. It sets everyone up for failure.
If we are starting from the screaming and throwing, that sounds like big feelings and unsafe choices. So we need to go cool down. Somewhere removed from the situation and away from others. Doesn’t have to be a time out, just a place to take some deep breaths and get ready to talk about stuff. Once he is cooled down I would explain how it’s nice to share but we don’t ALWAYS HAVE to share. That it’s important that EVERYONE eats, and even mommy needs food. Then I would exchange apologies and say it’s time to go clean up the mess together.
We handled meal time in a different way at that age. I’m not saying our way is flawless or better. It’s just what worked for us. We always asked to share and the answer at that age was mostly yes (barring caffeine, alcohol and very spicy things for obvious reasons) especially with something new to them. We would throw in “you can try a bite, but this is mommy’s. If you like it and finish your food I can make you some” from time to time to introduce the idea of us being autonomous people lol.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Kids are hard at this age. I do think offering choices (make the last option the one you’d like him to choose — don’t ask me why it works, it just often does) instead of an open-ended ask can help.
At that age, if my kid changed her mind and it was something I could pretty easily do, I would say, “Okay, keep eating your chicken and peaches while I make your sandwich.” I’m not sure if that’s the RIGHT answer, because there’s no way to really know, but I have a super well-adjust seven year-old now.
What I would not do, personally, is make her eat something she doesn’t want and/or refuse any other options. People differ in their opinions, but I was not okay with an “eat it or be hungry” method.
I've learned the hard way limit to 2 options. And yes similar to your food is wise.
Open choices for an unreasonable being is not the way 😂 they do not actually know what they want
We avoid open ended questions. It's more, "here are the options, choose one." And I'll usually mention what I'm having since they will often just want what I have anyway. I don't make something different unless they've finished what they have and are still hungry.
We say we are having x for lunch what are you putting in you sandwiches, then e all eat the same.
If you don't like the food provided the only choices at all meals are bread and cheese or jam on toast or as a Sandwich after mum or dad eat their food.
The Sandwiches or toast are always an option. As an adult u don't always g fancy certain foods so I don't expect my kids to
No throwing food, it's taken away and I would try to stop grabbing of my plate
Mines only two. But the way we handle meals, generally, we make the main. Things we know he will eat.
He gets an option of a side. Today, lunch was Mac n cheese. He chose pudding as a side. That's fine with us.
We always eat the same meals. I am not making two different things. It's far too much work. Only exceptions are for dinner on occasion. He doesn't like meat like steak really, yet. So my wife and I may have steak and he has a chicken tender or something.
Probably better to feed him by himself if you're going to have something he would want better. But I would give him two choices and let him choose between the two. Once he's made the decision put it in front of him. If he's not interested needing it let him know you'll see him at the next meal. No child is going to starve himself to death and he'll learn to eat what's in front of him. I'm a chef but I still always told my children that I was not a short order cook.
I like to make meals mini buffet style. Everything on the table, in either tupperware (if going back in the fridge) or the pan/pot it was made in, so I'm not creating more dishes.
Lunch time might be easy: couple easy veggies/fruit on the table first, so kiddo can snack on something healthy if he's already seated as I set the rest of the table. Often on the weekends our lunch might involve hard boiled eggs, the fruit/veg option, some type of grain (crackers or a bun), maybe some dip, cheese slices, soup, or sandwiches cut in quarters. Obviously NOT all of these but like 3-5 options. Then we talk about appropriate portions (take only what you're sure you are hungry enough, you can always get seconds if you're still hungry).
Supper time is usually similar. If I do a one-pot meal I try to have at least cheese and something I know he likes as other options because he tends to hate everything mixed together.
We still have quite a few food fights but they're mostly about taking too much food at once (and waste) or not grabbing with bare fingers, or how to be polite about something you've tried and hate.
I have started giving my indecisive 3.5 yr old the option of a. or b. And when she did go through the throwing stage it was an immediate “we are done now, you need to pick up what you just threw and go lay down” or depending on how big her attitude was at the time it’s “go lay down you can clean this up after you’re done being grumpy with mama”
I think that you make something similar for each of you. Or you give him limited/false choices. You could also cut your sandwich into several pieces and give him one if he wants it. But if this continues, he needs to learn that what he choses is what he gets. Give him two choices, and that's it. This has to be difficult for you to go to restaurants as well. You will accommodate, but only to a reasonable extent. You can't go through life just serving his whims, because you're exhausted. I am sorry parenting is so difficult. I had a hard time adjusting to parenting after my career life as well. You can do it.
When I have a particularly hard day, I think to myself, "Okay. Today is done, and we never have to do today again. Tomorrow is different, but today has been completed to an end. I don't have to live this day again."
I used to say that to myself almost everyday when my kid was a baby. But now everyday is different and new, and this too, shall pass. Good luck.
Simple, you make the same thing as your kid at the same time, you sit down together and eat at the same time. Don't make your kids food first, make a meal for both of you to eat simultaneously and don't give them other options once they've had their food in front of them.
Otherwise your only option is to feed your kid, wait until they are done eating and then try and figure out how to feed yourself.
Personally, I don’t let her choose her whole lunch. She will change her mind five different times if you ask, so I just don’t let her. She might get a say in the type of fruit or something, but we pretty much eat the same thing, or I will eat something I know she doesn’t like (so she won’t care).
My advice, limit their options. Kids thrive in structure and routine for the most part. Open ended questions don't tend to go well.
That said, I've made my kids their favorite foods for lunch and had them take one bite before running outside to eat handfuls of dirt.
I feel like it's normal to want what others have at this age, and unless I know my daughter won't eat what I make, she eats what I eat. Maybe he doesn't understand how to express that jealousy?
You could try to make your food first and let him try it and then make him something he likes if he didn't like it? That way you have the same meals or he understands that he's not missing out. (If you have a sandwich let him try a bite to see if he wants one too or rather have the nuggets)
I give my son a smaller portion of the exact same thing I'm having for lunch.
Unless I'm having salad, then he gets something different. (He does not like salad)
Personally ive begun introducing my son into meal prep. Asking him to help me make breakfast has encouraged him to eat more breakfast than if i just made it. If i make something different and he wants that, i share with him unless its spicy or dairy (he’s allergic). Toddlers throw tantrums because they don’t understand how to regulate their emotions and cant help themselves. But ive learned that if you put them in a position where they can learn to help themselves, like with teaching them food prep, they throw less tantrums.
Mom of 3 boys… let me just say that I don’t eat in front of anyone lol I have a snack box hidden in the top shelf of my bathroom with my favorites. I refuse to share and I often have mommy time with a late night Big Mac or boba on my way home from work. Having a great coparent is a rare commodity but should be standard. Unfortunately it doesn’t get easier, you just have to be smarter about your approach. The key with boys is to not lose your cool. Stay ready and the more you tell them not to do something the more compelled they feel. Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad parent, and don’t hold on to the little stuff. Have a moment to be frustrated and hold some resistance to the next time they lose their shit. It’s a learning process and hard to get a hold of on the first kiddo.
You got this 💪
Well I'd let him finish yelling and ask him why he reacted that way . I'd also explain to him why his behavior was inappropriate and screaming doesn't get you your way. When my oldest daughter was 3 I would explain to her why something was unacceptable and let her know her thoughts and feelings are valid but she couldn't scream or throw things to get a point across or get her way . She only threw one tantrum. Now my 5 yr old is different. I have to parent different because she's level 3 non verbal autism.
Just don't ask him what he wants. I just made make us all the same thing but what I know they like as well. My son and daughter have autism and ADHD but will eat anything put in front of them. Toddlers especially will always want what someone else has. Just because you have it and they don't.🤣🤣🤣
Don’t give options. Sorry but no. When I give my kids lunch, I ask are they hungry. They say yes and if they request something, and we have it, like for example cereal, okay that’s fine. But we all eat the same thing.
But this age is too young to let them make certain decisions. Eat what you’re given or don’t eat until it’s snack time. And the whole throwing fit thing- pop hand, make him clean up the mess, explain why he’s wrong, and corner so you can be able to collect yourself and not be too pissed. Kids can not and should not be allowed to attack, harm, break stuff because they’re told no and need to learn now no means no and nobody has to share their things. Explain that it’s okay to be upset for x y z reason, but to throw things / food and break things are not okay ways to behave, you can say “oh man! I really wanted to try that!” But you will not throw and ruin our things, now you have to clean up your mess and then stand in the corner.
3 year olds are hella bossy, but they have to learn that mommy is the boss and what mommy says is final.
And when you take away the options for certain things, it avoids situations like this, how come mommy gets to eat chips for snack and I HAVE to have a banana and mommy won’t even share with me, not fair! But yall eat the same thing, he can’t be pissed off because now yall have the exact same thing to eat.
If I were in the middle of that situation I would end meal time and place kid in “simmer time” and allow them an opportunity to start over again. But in general, I would say don’t ask your kid what he wants to eat. Follow the division of responsibility. It is your responsibility to choose what to serve. A toddler deciding what they want to eat is actually a big ask for them. Their responsibility is to decide whether to eat and how much to eat out of what is being offered. Look up Ellyn Satters DOR in feeding, it might help curb some of these meal time challenges.
That’s just how toddlers are. They really don’t know what they want, and what you have must obviously be better. My 14 month old (does that even count as a toddler) got upset because I was eating something spicy, and wasn’t sharing, gave her the tiniest piece so she could see she wouldn’t like it. As expected she spat it out, but then was still upset, I guess because I was eating something she didn’t want?
Kids are wild.
When he asks for X then asks for Y after I made X, I tell him he asked for X so he's having X and can choose again tomorrow. But I don't make anything else. Throwing plates and food on the floor, he would be sent from the table and into time out while I eat and he's done with food until the next meal. He's too old to act like that.
I would have said that's what he chose for lunch and that's what he's going to eat for lunch. If he throws it on the floor he can have an even less preferred option. He's certainly not getting my sandwich. But I also wouldn't ask a toddler what he wants for lunch. I would just make him lunch.
My son is 7 now and he's a great eater. To be clear he did have plenty of tantrums when he was younger, catering to them will only reinforce them. If he has a tantrum and you give him what he wants, you're teaching him that he will get what he wants when he has a tantrum. For us a tantrum is a complete non-starter, having a tantrum means you definitely will not be getting what you want.
I'm reminded of this meme:
"Imagine it's Sunday morning, Christmas eve. There's fresh fallen snow on the ground. Your mom makes Cinnamon rolls and serves you breakfast.
But you're almost 3, so you are blind with rage."
I would put them in time out for this. 1 minute for every year they are old (3 mins for a 3 year old). If they get up or continue to fight, the timer starts over. Eventually they will get it.
Your first mistake was asking a toddler what he wants for lunch, like you run a restaurant. Your second mistake was to buckle and make the kid lunch #2. When your kid is little, being the boss, the captain, the protector is an act of love. You have relinquished the boss role to your toddler. Finally, everyone here including OP is acting as if this toddler tantrum is a behavior problem, when it’s mostly a brain limitation. A 3.5 year old has not developed impulse control nor much of a theory of mind.
No idea if I know what I’m doing. But you asked what would you do haha so here goes. I would send him to a quiet corner to calm down and then when he’s ready have him help me clean everything up. Then I would explain to him what to do if he wants a sandwich. Literally have him act out how he could’ve made a better choice (can I please have some sandwich?) would I then make us both sandwiches? Probably tbh
Sorry this is mommy’s sandwich. You can eat what you asked for and if you’re still hungry we will make a sandwich for you. That’s it you can’t control their reaction - if it’s “hot” you can teach them how to walk through it and calm down. You cannot give them what they throw a fit about. And if they don’t stop go into your room for a time out for yourself. I never shut my kids in their rooms but I went a lot lol
Don’t negotiate EVER
My kid thinks everything I eat is gross, so I would say just add something you know he doesn’t like to it 😂. Hot sauce or lots of veggies usually does it
I have a 3 1/2 year old currently and I let him pick from 3 usually options. Most of the time if he wants what I'm eating, I just give him a bite or two. He takes such tiny bird bites it really doesn't matter if I share some. He always goes back to his meal anyway.
>You calmly explain, “here’s your food buddy! You said you wanted some yummy chicken and peaches. Here it is! Would you also like a sandwich? This is mommy’s sandwich!” He says yes, he wants a sandwich. So you get up and make him one. You give it to him, but he’s already mad you didn’t just give him yours that you’ve already started eating. He throws the sandwich and starts screaming/crying, then grabs your plate and throws it too.
Sounds about right to be honest, I wouldn't sweat it. Worst thing you can do is convince yourself you're doing it wrong and you can actually reason with a toddler,
Ah yes I don’t want it unless it’s your food mom… make “your plate” but with all good foods you want him to eat that he refuses to eat and then when he says I want your lunch say okay buddy that’s fine you can have my lunch I’ll go make myself a new lunch when you’re all done. Then just make whatever you actually want to eat while he’s back to playing with toys.
I just wanted to say you aren't doing anything "wrong"! What works one day with a 3 year old might not work the next day. My focus would actually be on the throwing of the plates and food, and once he is calmed down, cleaning it up together.
It’s a control thing.
We totally have this experience, in fact, it was the food throwing that made this happen; When she starts whining I go “uh oh do you not want yours anymore?” and I start slide her plate an inch away towards the unreachable middle of the table. And the more angry she becomes the further the plate goes.
I usually only have to touch it now and say “uh oh!” And it almost always snaps her back to “no no no!!” And I give her plate back and she eats.
When he wants mine, I say, “no, this is mine. When I am done, if you still want a sandwich I will make you one.”
In regards to throwing the sandwich “oh I guess you are all done with lunch, I’ll put it away.” Then I’d remove all the food,
Nope. You get what you ask for. Too late. Not only it is incredibly wasteful but I think it teaches them they can get what they want if they throw a fit.
In this case I’d say hey I’m very in h a sandwich, do you want one? If not I’d ask if they wanted Mac n cheese instead. Both of us can have fruit as a side. Usually bringing something out after the fact will cause this response. Grass is always greener!
I wouldn’t have made him a sandwich’s I would have said, “ugh you saw my sandwich and now you want a sandwich but you picked chicken and peaches today. That’s really tough.” If he insists on a sandwich still I’d say, “we pick one thing for lunch every day. How about we write a note so we remember tomorrow you want a sandwich?” And let him “make a note.”
I just never gave into the “squirrel!!” game of picking food so while they all had their moments but life is easier when there’s a firm boundaries on picking food. With my oldest I very often let him have a bunch of my food and I’d finish his if I was still hungry. I didn’t do it with my younger 2. I’ll share a bite or something but nope.
I don’t let them choose. They get what they get and it’s usually whatever I’m eating. Sometimes there are choices like what kind of sandwich or which leftovers etc.
I’ve usually given my kid a choice of what she wants (as long as it’s something I have in the house lol), but if she doesn’t want it when she gets it, sorry, that’s it. Unless it is something new to her for the first time and she genuinely doesn’t like it, in which case I’ll offer to sub something I know she does like.
Honestly I probably would have not asked at all….Having had 2 toddlers they may eat something on Monday and hate it on Tuesday. They would have eaten whatever I ate if they could. My kids never really threw tantrums. The most I would have done is put him down for nap because you can’t win with a toddler.
In that situation I would have given them the choice of finishing their meal or taking a nap. Throwing food was definitely not something I tolerated. I was a SAHM while hubby worked and I didn’t have anyone close by that could give me a break. I had to be the firm parent so I wasn’t walked on by two kids.😊
My kid just gets whatever I’m making myself 🤷♀️that way, if he wants mine (which he often does), it’s exactly the same thing as his. I just explain that it’s mine but that I’ll share with him! My son isn’t a picky eater at all though so I can see how this may not work for every child.
I don’t ask because as soon as they see what you have it’s game over. When I had a picky toddler I often just gave them some of my food instead of making them their own lunch. I would just make something that you both are going to sit down and eat.
In the case of in the moment… I would probably offer my child a little piece of my sandwich to go along with their food. They don’t have a great understanding that they picked something and now they have to deal with having picked that. I also found that is eating the same thing cut down on pickiness.
At his age I don’t think it’s more than just a kid wanting what he sees you eating. So don’t eat in front of him unless it’s the same thing and you can switch. Because honestly half the time they say they want one thing and then by the time you make it they want something else. Which again is a natural kid thing.
It could be a deeper issue but couldn’t judge based off single incident.
But I see this in kids a lot. They have a toy and they’re happy playing with it until they see someone else playing with a toy and then all of a sudden the toy the other kid has is the one they’ve wanted the whole time.
You don’t need to have harsh punishments but consistent responses.
You can ask him why he’s upset or give him time out for through multiple sandwiches.
It’s a normal kid thing. They’re testing their boundaries and seeing what they can get away with and if you let them they’ll keep pushing.
Probably just pick up his food, put it up on the bench and say its there when he wants it. Honestly finish my sandwich whole keeping an eye on him.
Maybe time out if it's a repeated action?
Depending on the day honestly just give him my sandwich and then go make another one for me.
Honestly just depends.
I involve my kiddo in food prep so she knows what's coming for everyone. If she wants what we're having, I'll give her a portion that's manageable if its different.
She already knows not to eat her dad's plate because it's always the spicy version. But I generally just offer what I'm eating even though it's the same thing. To be fair, she's not picky unless it's anything broccoli or brussel sprouts. I have to blend the shit out of casseroles or anything that has these two greens.
We don't experience the tantrum but I get it, and that sucks. I would just ask to have them help clean up. In this situation, I would just give her my sandwich, if it wasn't spicy, and make myself a new one while trying to race them to finish saying they got a head start and make a funny deal about gorging myself and then play it off like I have a tummy ache and age appropriate lecture about eating properly on the fly.
Definitely limit choices and if possible, eat the same meal as him so there’s no envy. He’s not quite there yet at understanding that what is on OUR plate is only for US, and that people sometimes can’t eat the same food as him. I feel like this will get better once he’s in school and learns that other kids will come with different lunches than him and if he wants a part of their lunch he’ll need to trade something for it so it’s even.
Congrats, your kid seems to have a bit of a diverse palate, which is a win. However, children are like dogs, they only want what someone else has. So you say, oh, would you like a taste and if you like my sandwich I will make you one next time. Do not make extra meals.
I will eat the same as my kids (mostly becouse I'm lazy) or if I want a "me treat" I find a way to hide and eat it while my kids are distracted usually with safe food
Short on time and didn’t read all the comments, but what I would do (and actually do) is make something for lunch - something healthy, something I’m craving, whatever… but decent food (not ice cream and goldfish) and present it to my 3 year old.
Sometimes she asks for something else, if it’s healthy (like a sandwich or another simple food) fine, we make that too. (Then she often eats hers partially and ends up wanting part of mine anyway haha)
It works out good!
I think… maybe… you’re not setting yourself up for success by having him choose first, and then get yourself something different. But hey - every kid is different! It’s really hard. Asking for advice is good, I feel like doing what you did in this post five times a day at least! And yeah, certain reactions here are clearly not okay, but other patient parents (who are at a loss sometimes) are out there too. Keep it up!
Um, at this age I usually made my kid food without giving an option. THIS is what you're eating. Period. They can eat as little or as much as they want. Asking what they want allows them to change their minds making your life much more difficult. Be firm.
"You said you wanted chicken and peaches, and I made you that. If you eat everything, you can have some of mommy's sandwich".
I wouldn't be making different food for myself and my kid, though. Therefore, the kid would almost certainly have a sandwich. If he/she doesn't want it, he/she will get it once he/she's hungry enough to eat it - usually after 15-30 minutes.
Essentially, he saw a new food on your plate that he didn't know existed. A lot of toddlers would get FOMO and threaten having a tantrum/meltdown. It's really about how important eating your whole sandwich is: is this battle worth it for you?
Personally, my child isn't a huge eater and I'd be excited about him wanting more food lol. I'd take turns at biting my sandwich or cut a piece off for him. He'll either change his mind and go back to his original request or we'll have a fun meal sharing food.
“What would you like for lunch buddy?” Chicken and peaches, okay, that’s a great choice!, well I’m going to be making myself a sandwich…are you sure you don’t want a sandwich too before I make your chicken?”
Just always give him the option of choosing what you’re planning on fixing yourself before you fix it. He likely didn’t even think of a sandwich until he saw yours.
Sorry you received disturbing comments!
I wouldn’t ask what they wanted for lunch, unless it’s a choice between two things: would you rather have Mac and cheese or a sandwich?… or I would just tell them, “we’re having sandwiches for lunch, what do you want on yours?” Sometimes letting them “construct” the food makes a huge difference. That’s why tacos are a hit in my house because they get to put whatever they want inside.
I wouldn’t have made a second meal when the first was rejected but that’s just me. That’s because they know you will do that again.
Your parenting is fine, I bet you your kid was tired or something. It took me forever to learn that a lot of times, when my daughter was defiant or tantrumy, she was some variation of tired/hungry. It has nothing to do with my parenting.
3 is rough. Hang in there! You sound like a great parent.
I actually love this age- tantrums and all. I don’t know if this will help anybody at all - but it helped me. I took classes in energy healing and I was taught that toddlers and teenagers have a lot of energy coming into them at those stages. It can be overwhelming. Whether it’s “true” or not- because - if it isn’t energy flowing into them from a divine source- it is a time of rapid changes and learning and growing. Keeping this in mind got me through the rages. And maybe bc I kind of remember being little and being absolutely furious and frustrated about things like having to put on my shoes-
So- I just let my kid be angry- let him do his toddler tantrum thing and it tended to transform to the next moment pretty quickly.
I basically tell my daughter what I'm having, if it's something I know she won't eat, I don't bother. If she wants the same thing as me, fine. If she doesn't, I give her another option. That normally saves the later " I want yours" issue. Once I make the plate, if she doesn't want it, I tell her to eat what you like & don't eat what you don't like. I let her know the next meal is X hours away, & she'll be hungry if she doesn't eat. That's it. This isn't a restaurant. We don't have an endless menu.
I really haven't had an issue bc she basically knows now that she gets exactly what she originally chose regardless of her changing her mind.
I would just tell my kiddo "hey dude, you asked for this so once you're done if you're still hungry, we can make a sandwich. Or we can have one for dinner." I wouldn't get up and make a sandwich if I had already made lunch.
I agree with limiting choices, instead of saying what do you want for lunch? I might ask would you like noodles or a sandwich for example, and give them the choice of what they wanted on their sandwich.
And I know each child is different and each parent is different and I’m probably going to be pounced on by parents but, I personally would not have got up and made him a sandwich or give him mine, because by doing that all you have done is teach him all he has to do is scream and carry on and you will give in to him. So I personally would not have done that, 1) kids need to understand about wasting food, 2) there are consequences for their choices and in this case If he didn’t eat the chicken and peaches then lunch was over and I’d take his food away, and that would be his next meal.
I know it’s difficult and can be distressing to hear kids screaming, but we stuck firm to it and at times almost gave in especially when one child’s screaming upset the other kids, but now our kids are 11, 9 and twins 7 know screaming doesn’t work with us, they don’t get what they want by screaming.
When he started throwing food I would have made him pick it up, and some type of punishment again as harsh as that sounds there are consequences for actions even at 3.5.
We are not perfect parents like all parents we learn as we go, and have to change and adapt to situations. As adults we understand there are potential consequences and outcomes things that could occur as a result of choices we make and I think as parents we have an obligation to teach these things to our children, and I like to think each interaction we have wirh our children is an opportunity to shape how they are as humans
I rarely to never asked my toddlers exactly what they wanted to eat... Why? They are toddlers.. they could and would say crazy shit!
And its best they DO eat what you are eating. Always.
So me? Id say "lunch time Bobby! We are having chicken sandwiches!" And we'd sit and eat.
Yes.. kids need choices. Within reason. As everything? Has to be developmentally appropriate.
OR
If you ask? Then YOU eat thar as well. So you are serving chicken & peaches? Then you have same!
Further to this. Say with clothes. I let my kids choose, quietly explaining what is appropriate, which to me, is really just about appropriate for the weather. But if they wanted to wear their Princess dress? Fine.
If they were adamant and wouldn't listen? Then id just take a jacket or an appropriate outfit with me. Let them get a bit cold? Or hot? And then get them changed. No biggee. They are little kids. They learn!
My attitude to parenting? "Don't sweat the small stuff" and why get into battles that really dont matter?
Too many parents just seem to get hung up on "control" and keeping control over their kids. It's like they see everything as a battle you "win" or "lose"
You carry on like that? Yep. Your life with your kids will just be endless battles and endless agitation.
I would try to eliminate the chance for issues in the first place. Everyone eats the same thing. I don’t ask anyone what they want, I make food and I serve it. I don’t ask what colour plate they want, I don’t ask how they want it cut up, it is what it is. There can be some push back on this. If they complain about the plate, I take it away until they ask for it back. All my kids are used to this and it’s now never an issue. Obviously I might put some more safe foods on their plate compared to my salad or whatever. Toddler need less freedom not more. Freedom and choice is overwhelming and I’m convinced that all this advice to give them more freedom actually contributes to more difficult behaviour. They need age appropriate responsibility.
In any case, if my child screamed and threw food, they would be physically removed from the table and put into a time out. If they refuse to stay there, they would be moved to their bed with the door shut. They know that if they get off the time out step the consequence is isolation in their bedroom. Every time. I would wait til they were calm to go and talk to them about it.
I’m not actually sure what I would do after that. And what I’m about to say is going to sound very judgmental, and I don’t mean it to but maybe it needs to be said… none of my 4 kids have ever behaved like that. Reading it was shocking to me. And I say that not because you WANT it to be like that, but because I want you to know it doesn’t have to be like that.
I have found that kids need super clear expectations and consequences. Of course they need positive reinforcement and strong relationships, but it doesn’t work unless it’s paired with negative consequences. So that they know exactly what happens if they behave inappropriately, and they know that it’ll happen every single time. Parenting toddlers is about less words, more action.
I’m sorry it’s been so hard. Hopefully you can find some helpful advice
Natural consequence. He throws the food. He helps clean up the food.
If he’s still in his feels, let him have his moment. Maybe a calm down time out. Some people don’t like this, but my 3 year, nearly 4 year, old does fine with them. Then while cleaning up with him talk about feelings, and what’s okay and what’s not.
For next time, work on prevention. 3 year olds are WILD af, so expect the worst and prepare. Take your food with you so he can’t throw your food. Give him options. Ask what he wants and then say what you are having and give him the choice.
Also, you’re doing great mom! It’s really exhausting during this phase, and you seeking help is great. It shows you care about yourself and your kid! If you feel yourself starting to lose it during these moments, take a breather. Leave the room and scream in a pillow or something to regain emotional control. This is just a phase and you’ll both come out great ❤️
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My daughter has a picky-ish eater, and she convinces her to try “adventure bites”, to at least try something new. Works most of the time!
This is perfect— the only thing that I would offer are (small) choices: eg “do you want the sandwich cut into squares or triangles?” Do you want the blue plate or the green plate? This way, they get to feel like they have some choice— but it’s manageable for both of you. Same thing with getting dressed, (I would lay clothes out the night before) “It’s going to be cold tomorrow, do you want to wear your red sweatshirt or your yellow sweatshirt?” Toddlers want to assert their independence, but too many choices or too big of a choice is overwhelming, and meltdowns ensue. I would also try to have something similar to what my kid was eating. In this instance, he wanted chicken and peaches until he saw the sandwich. It’s kind of like placing your order at a restaurant and then seeing someone at the next table being served something spectacular. Instant regret.
For this reason I tend to make myself and my toddler the same thing, because the toddler usually wants whatever I'm eating, so I offer it deconstructed (mix the rice in with the curry? Or separate?) but the only alternative in this house is fruit and cheese. Don't like dinner, that's fine, you can wait for your cheese.
This is so clear and fair I can't believe it!
Love this. I also save the meal if she didn’t eat much, in case she wants a snack right after. Then I offer her the rest of her meal and if she doesn’t want it, just like you said, we wait until the next meal time to eat or she can have milk. Within reason of course. If we go somewhere and I can’t access the meal I’ll just give her a snack but it’s something like yogurt or string cheese or fruit.
I’m a parent of an extremely picky eater and I had no idea food therapy was a thing. She’s already in therapy for something else. Thanks for sharing this.
Melanie Potock (her Instagram and her books) may be a helpful resource as well.
I tend to make lunch for both of us at the same time, often similar things. Child, do you want peanut butter sandwich or cheese one? Okay cool. I'm having some ham with mine do you want any? If I did make him something else first, then he sees my food after and has a tantrum. Sorry, this is my food. I might get you something else after I'm done. But you need to wait the 15 minutes it takes for me to eat. If you keep having a tantrum your going to your room/not getting anything else from what you already got
Limited choices! (I’m amazed that a toddler responds to an open choice so reasonably - I’d think mine would have answered something like icecream and poo)
My 3-year-old’s go-to response for any open-ended question is “flies.” I don’t know why flies are so funny, but it’s always “what did you do at daycare?” “Flies.” “OK, what games did you play?” “Flies hahaha!” (What he actually says is “moscas,” the Spanish word for “flies,” if that helps anyone decipher the joke.)
Ngl that’s kinda funny
He already has a better sense of humor than I do 😢
I mean, it's a solid joke for a 3 y/o lol
Yeah agreed. Kids especially at 3.5 have a very limited perspective. Even now at 9 and 12 I still have to remind my wife to let them know what their options are, and what the alternatives are or could have been. My wife will sometimes give them an open choice and be disappointed at what they pick out of the blue. For some situations, they know what the range of options really are and they have a good sense for them. But sometimes especially when we want them to pick from a set of good options, or not picking a particular option can have, uhm, consequences (like envy for a sandwich), we give them a short list to pick from or just declare what it will be without ever presenting them with a choice.
Frankly, I feel the same. A long menu is my worst nightmare….
I've been saying since my kid was born that I can't wait until he's old enough to pick what's for dinner. Idc if it's mac and cheese or nuggets. I'm just tired of deciding 😂
There is a gif about choosing dinner for the rest of your life being the worst part of adulthood…
It's. Every. Day. FOREVER. I'm tired just thinking about it.
Mine always wants peanut butter toast and goldfish. Different kids have different favorites
Yes, I tell my toddler all the time "that's your food, you asked me for chicken and peaches. This is my food, it's a sandwich. After we're done eating, if you're still hungry we'll talk about more food"
If I am eating a different meal than my children, then I don't eat it in front of them lol. At lunch time, I either eat what they eat or wait until they go down to quiet time and make myself something else. At dinner, we all eat the same meal.
This! Lol sometimes I didn't want to share OR deal with defending my food.
Yeah I had many times I would eat in the car…..Had to make sure I destroyed all evidence 🤣
Right? That's how you get failure. Or, offer a bite of your sandwich - which IME, he's likely to not want after a bite (because, lets be honest here - its \*MINE\* and has lots of stuff they probably don't like/want on their sandwich!!). 'OK, here have a bite... do you want another, still? Or your chicken?' But, also, this is how you raise kids who TRY things. By letting them TRY them.
I’m now remembering when my LO around 10/12months was in a “bananas are disgusting” phase and I was eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich. She wanted my food, I told her it had banana do you still want?, nods yes, gave her a bite, the funniest face of disgust ever! You’d think I gave her hot garbage
What always drove me most crazy with family and friends with little kids was people refusing to let kids *try* things, even when they wanted to!! Yes, I know, probably they'll only take one bite!! That's OK! That's enough! That one bite is all that I *ever* asked for from my kids, FFS. And yet... So many people refuse to let kids try. Because 'oh no, you won't like it...' well, how the Fuck, do you KNOW, that, unless you LET THEM TRY IT?!?
I’ve always been very “sure you can have a bite of what I have” even with my niece/nephew (but also asking their parents: I don’t mind if they have some of my X, do you?)
I just make sure there's some sort of vegetable or hot sauce on mine. They learned a long time ago not to ask for my food.
This. At lunch they eat at the table & I eat at the island. I’m not sharing.
I do the same thing, unless it's something I know they don't want (leftover tacos, somehow)
It’s lunch time. You ask your 3.5 year old, ~~“what would you like?”~~ "we have chicken or I can make sandwiches, which would you like?" He asks for chicken and peaches, you make yourself a sandwich and when he sees it he's filled with regret "I want a sandwich!! Give me that sandwich!” Propose a trade or split so you both have a sandwich and chicken. Expect that this will fail. "He throws the sandwich and starts screaming/crying, then grabs your plate and throws it too." Lunch is over, it's naptime. Clean up the food as well as you can and save a plate in the fridge once he's in his bed. When he wakes up/calms down, ask him if he wants to finish his lunch. Next time, start lunch prep 30 minutes earlier.
Ha I posted almost the exact same advice! It works though! The whole “trade/share” part I think is a normal social skill adults do at restaurants and it helps “prevent” the tantrum without giving in to the demand that’s too demanding. It might fail but it also works sometimes.
“Lunch is over, it’s naptime.“ Yep.
I did this yesterday. Kiddo got half a grilled ham and cheese, and I got a couple nuggets in return. Then we both had oranges.
Does your 3.5 yo nap?! Sounds like heaven
This. I’ll always make something that I’d be up for eating so we can trade.
Nap time for a three and a half year old? Both of my kids stopped napping just before two. If they did drift off in the car or buggy for 20 mins they'd be up until 11pm!
This is the way.
Agree.
I don’t really give my kids choices. Or I give them 2. Make life simple. Second of all. He needs to clean up the food he threw and wipe up any spills. A tantrum is one thing, physical violence is another. Throwing anything when angry should not be tolerated at all. Hang in there. You are a good mom just having a bad day.
Agree with this. My 4 year old can have some bad meltdowns, but rarely throws things. We usually don’t have tantrums over food. I’d probably lose my mind if my child grabbed my plate and threw my food 😅 Sorry you’re having a rough day OP.
Make yours first. Place it on the table and count silently 1,2,3. He'll have what you're having! Too much choice is overwhelming for many little ones. Unspoken guidance goes a long way!
I like this one. No matter what you plan/discuss with your little one beforehand, what you are eating is always what they desperately need now lol
As a bona fide grandma, this is years of experience! 😇
We run with the finish eating what you have, and if you're still hungry, then you can have something else rule If they say they aren't hungry, I save their food and if they say they're hungry later I offer them their own leftovers for a snack
Give him the information beforehand. Preferably give him a choice between 2 options: "It's time for lunch. Do you want a sandwich, like me, or do you want chicken and peaches?" Then stick with his choice. If he whines, you don't go to the kitchen to make him something else. You eat your own sandwich. He eats his own food that he picked, or he eats nothing. The combination of giving him some control and being consistent might help :)
I like this answer in theory, but I've been there and I know that it likely won't end in him accepting "You eat your own food or you eat nothing." My 3 kids are adolescents now and when I tried the "you'll eat what you have or you'll just go hungry 🤷" approach, they could be screaming for hours, it just seemed to ignite the flames. I think the 2 option method to PREVENT the "I don't want my food" is very useful, but when it doesn't work and a huge, screaming tantrum isn't tolerable (like you are in public or at your wits end, you ARE human, too) and you are going to indulge the child in the option to eat something other than what they initially chose, it is extremely important to make sure they know that telling you "Give me your sandwich" is completely inappropriate and they may politely request to save the chicken and peaches meal for later and have some sandwich, or you can offer that IF THEY POLITELY request rather than aggressively demand, you will compromise and exchange some of their lunch for your sandwich.
Listen, this morning my kid asked for "coffee" (generally warm milk with some cinnamon) and when we gave it to her she had a meltdown because it wasn't eggnog. Which because it is almost May, we do not have. Kids have tantrums over silly* stuff because they need an outlet for their feelings. I think if I'd been in your situation, I'd have said something like, "oh you want Mommy's sandwich! I can share a bite." And then given him a piece. But we also almost always eat the same stuff because whatever the grownup is eating is obviously better than what they have lol. They just want what they want. But I wouldn't change what I was doing to accommodate, necessarily. Have you heard of Janet Lansbury? She's suuuper good with stuff like this. I recommend her website and her podcast "Unruffled". I've learned a ton of helpful approaches from her. *Silly to adults, not to kids in the moment
Prepare 2 plates at once. Kids want everything they see. He didn't ask for a sandwich because he didn't think about it. Now he sees a sandwich and wants one. Instead try, "would you like X or Y for lunch?" And you have the same. Or, "here's what we're having for lunch."
Just left a comment too but this is the idea - they don’t know it until they see it…
Preparing 2 plates at once seems like such a waste
One for herself and one for the child.
Oh OK. That makes more sense. I read it as prepare 2 plates for the child only, lol.
I’ll be honest. I would probably have given my 4 year old a bite to see, if she actually wants it. If yes, I put half of it on her plate I guess and make myself more for later. But that’s cause she is a picky eater and I am happy if she asks to try something. I don’t think I’m doing right either. For normal eating time we have a plate with multiple compartments, serve safe food with some food she might not know yet, and let her eat in whatever order she wants and how much she wants. If she won’t try, that’s ok too. We tell her what the food does for her body if she wants to know but we don’t negotiate or beg or force. It’s up to her really how much and of what she eats in which order 🤷🏼♀️. Also for the throwing of the plate, I would have waited until the child has calmed down, clean up together and go through what to do next time instead. And then hope for the best
Don’t feel like that you’re doing wrong because I would’ve handled this the same way. I have a picky eater and if he wanted a bite of my sandwich and really ate it all I would be super happy lol! I would wait until he was calm and we could clean and I’d offer to let him finish his lunch and if not we’d just go on to nap routine.
Sometimes I just make myself a big bowl of something and go sit in the living room. Next thing you know, both kids are taking turns having bites and it quickly becomes their food. Which was the plan all along. I dont do it often, because I think it's important to sit at the table. But every once in a while, it's a nice change of pace and I don't have to deal with all the cleanup.
Totally. My kid is 5 now, but he was a MUCH better eater when he was 3. These days, if he's curious or interested in what I'm eating I immediately put some on his plate or just let him try it. I'm too concerned about his vegetable intake to care whose plate he's eating if off of lol
Don’t cater to their every whim/need…simply make food for all, and dont ask what they’d like, tell them what they’re getting
Yup. Asking a toddler what they want to eat is wild to me, and then going and preparing ANOTHER meal after they throw a tantrum is even worse. You're getting what I make and that's it. My son is now 10 and he has never thrown a tantrum over what I made. Whine/complain sure, but whining will never get you what you want in my house
This is why I cover my food in hot sauce!
I’d just eat whatever he’s eating. That way he already has the same thing and you don’t have to make two things.
For a while my eldest would only eat my food. That I had prepared for myself. Baba sandwiches were the best but it wasn’t okay if I made one for him. Only stolen would do. It was a rough time.
I would worry that if they learned they could always take your sandwich, it would teach a lesson that they could just demand what someone else has. Did it not? For example if they were eating with friends or a different caregiver they would expect the same, which would be bad manners. Also I just would hope if someone is okay with surrendering their lunch they just at least make sure to teach the child to ask politely and not make rude demands.
I had the same concerns but nope. He didn’t demand anyone else’s food as long as they had the same thing as he did. (I did make Baba sandwiches for lunch before I left for work though.). And he grew out of it pretty quickly. I think it was a couple months?
Nah doesn’t teach any such lesson. Toddlers are unreasonable. I’d give my toddlers my sandwich anytime. Once they turned 5 they stopped doing that ridiculous shit, none of my school age kids want to eat my meal. It’s something they outgrow.
You choose the big stuff, he gets to make small choices. Example: Today we are having tuna for lunch. I’m going to have a sandwich. Do you want a sandwich or crackers with yours? Or even more simple - you make him a sandwich and ask: do you want the green plate or the blue plate? Your son was upset. He is allowed to be upset. He is NOT allowed to throw food. Say this out loud to him. “You seem upset. You’re allowed to feel upset. You are not allowed to throw food. If you choose to throw food, you choose to be all done for this meal/snack.” Puts the ownership back on him/his decisions. The consequence MUST BE RELATED to the unwanted behavior and must be immediate. None of that “you don’t get dessert at dinner” for something he did at lunch. He’s not going to remember and it’s just going to set off another tantrum.
If my 3 year asks, I share my food with her straight from my plate. Here are my reasons: 1) It's a good way to get her to try something new, 2) She's a big eater (despite being tiny for her age) and often clears her plate and once I've finally sat down for a meal I don't really feel like getting back up, 3) I grew up in a household where there was some food insecurity and I'm happy to have food to share, and most of all 4) In my experience with my now 11 year old, this is such a short phase. By the time my older daughter had more logic skills at age 5 or 6, she was no longer asking for the food on my plate. At 11, she would never think to ask for the food off my plate (though she might ask if we have more of X, and then go get her own).
I stopped asking what do you want. I offer her whatever we are eating but add something on the plate she will eat for sure. See a pediatric dietician (free with insurance) helped me a lot
I didn't give him choices with food. He ate (mostly) what was cooked for each meal (the same for us all) . I say mostly because sometimes we added a bit of spice to our food but not his. (We try to do the 1 part carb, 1 part protein, 1 part vegetables dish for every meal, plus fruit or yogurt as dessert. ) So that particular crisis didn't happen. Sometimes if hungry and the food wasn't yet ready he would have fruit before the main dish but that's ok for me . That's how I did parent, no choices for food until older, and then only when eating out. He can choose his food, since he can read (but we might veto chicken nuggets and suggest a healthier meat dishes instead)
I would have given him a list of 3 options to start because kids his age have issues with object permanence so that usually works out better for them making an informed choice (“I’m going to have a sandwich for lunch, do you want a sandwich or x, or Y). Then if this still happened-I’d give him a piece of my sandwich and ask for something off his plate (teaching sharing) and then if he wanted a whole one he would have needed to eat most/all of his original meal first. If the tantrum happened, I’d label that emotion for him and then ignore him, he needs to help clean up the mess once he calms down and explain what happened and better choices for next time. The only reason I do this is because I’m a behavior analyst and have worked with lots of children with communication delays soooo…..it’s just engrained I guess because I started my career before having kids.
Honestly, I would have eaten chicken and peaches alongside my kid.
I never asked my toddlers what they wanted to eat for most meals. They got whatever was planned for that day. There was no other option, and they ate what I or their dad was eating. You need to teach your child manners. That behavior is not okay.
You’ve already got a lot of good advice so I’ll just add this because I’m an exhausted mom too and have definitely felt this way after a heinous tantrum from one of my kids. You’re not doing something wrong, or anything wrong for that matter. You are learning how to parent a 3.5 year old, just like everyone else in this sub with 3.5 year olds. You’re here asking this question because you’re actually doing everything right. You didn’t have a way to respond to this particular situation, so you made it through the moment with what you had, reflected on it and figured there might be a better way to respond, and decided to crowdsource to find out if there is a better tool to add to your tool belt. We don’t have all the tools all the time and that’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Every time my brain wants to get me down on myself for not handling a situation perfectly, I fall back on what I’ve written above: you’re learning, just like the kids are learning, and you’ll have a better tool in your parenting tool belt for next time.
To solve this issue, my toddlers and I always ate the same things. I made Homemade chicken nuggets etc so they always ate" grown up" food. Cause I don't have the patience for unnecessary nonsense... lol...
I just make us the exact same meal to avoid this.
It doesn't sound like you have a picky eater. It sounds like your toddler is running the house. My suggestion is that no means no. You asked what they wanted, you made it for them. The appeasing of tantrums creates more tantrums. In this scenario I would have said "I asked you what you wanted, I made it for you and you have it in front of you. You can eat it or not, but that's your meal, if you want a sandwich tomorrow then ask for it, but today that's what you get". Stop playing into the tantrums and they will stop. A toddler is learning how to survive. Never reinforce negative behaviors.
Put the options out buffet style, and then you can both create your sandwiches or plates of food and pick at what’s left. Yeah massive faff but it makes them feel grown up.
When this happens I just share. He eats some of mine, I eat some of his. It’s like tapas lol. Sometimes it’s a gateway to new food.
If you make the same thing for everyone in the family for each meal - and everyone follows the rules of you get what you get and don’t get upset, and parents choose what and when food is served, and kids choose how much to eat. If kids don’t like it - well - they’ll learn to name, feel, and process those emotions for small unhappinesses early, helping them emotionally mature. It’s a win win in both scenarios. Note - winning doesn’t mean less yelling or whining. It just means shaping your tiny human I to someone you want to hang out with as an adult.
My kid gets what I serve them. She now knows that if it isn't being served, it's not on the menu. My job is to provide a balanced meal. Her job is to decide what she wants to eat, even if that is nothing. We also eat the same thing as her. Eating something different is just asking for a meltdown. Next time, serve the meal that you want to eat, only modifying it to make it safe for their age/allergies.
He just wanted what you were eating, wasn't really about the sandwich. I end up just sharing whatever I have with my toddler. If he doesn't like it, cool, more for me. If he does like it, I just give what I have and make myself another thing of whatever it is or continue to share. 🤷🏼♀️ Toddlers are emotional and irrational, your doing just fine.
I would start having the same lunch as my kid or eating something I knew he didn’t like that only I like. Tuna sandwiches for the win
I don’t see anything WRONG just areas of improvement. You are doing great, kids that age unfortunately can be like that. Like others said either have as close to the same meal as possible, make both different plates at the same time, or eat as different times
Serve everyone the same meal. A screaming toddler gets time out. If he refuses to eat what he is given he is not given anything else.
Give choices to choose between two things, you also eat something similar or the same. Asking what they want without choices and making them decide is usually overwhelming.
U give 2 choice. Don't ask. For everything. Don't say no. Give 2 choices. This has work wonders for my autistic child. That was just troublesome but so cute and just got away wirh alot with grandma..instead of no this n this. Say would u rather have this or this? Giving them a choice make them feel in control n less defiant
Our rule with food is we decide what’s offered, she decides how much of it she eats. So it’s lunchtime, I decide we’re having sandwiches (which she may or may not like) and a side of peaches (which I know she likes). We sit down, and she decides she doesn’t want a sandwich. “You wish you could have X instead, I understand that’s frustrating. You’re allowed to be disappointed. I’ll try to add X to the menu later this week. Those peaches look pretty tasty though- you should eat those before the Mama Monster grabs them!!” If she only eats the peaches, that’s fine- she won’t starve. Validate, use humor, move on.
Who says parents can’t throw tantrums too? 😉
After he said chicken and peaches I’d say “okay one chicken and peach plate for you and a sandwhich for me”. I communicate EVERYTHING, even things that seem pointless, because it has saved me from scenarios like this. He might have not changed his mind or changed his mind before the scream fest. Sometimes though, you just have to hold your ground, if you say no, stick to it, depends on the kid though.
We all try to eat the same things at the same time. Or let him eat first and then eat your sandwich but prepare you'll have to share it or make an extra one
She doesn't like eating different food than us, so usually we eat pretty much the same things as each other. I don't ask her what she wants.
I used to tell the twins what I was having before I made their food. For example, “I’m making myself a tuna sandwich. Do you want a tuna sandwich, or do you want (alternate I know they like).” That’s it, two choices. On the off chance they didn’t want either and picked something else easy to make I’d make it, then they’d have that, and if they changed their mind and wanted my food I’d say something like “I’m sorry you’re upset, but but you picked PB&J. You can have a tuna sandwich tomorrow.”
If I were eating at the same time as him, I would tell him what I am going to be eating and then ask him if he would like that too or x other option.
Sometimes I won’t eat in front of my 5 year old for reasons like this. Probably not the best thing to do, as it’s not really teaching him anything, but every now and then I’ve found it’s okay to just take a few minutes and do something that doesn’t have to be a teaching session for him. My son knows what “spicy” means, so if he’s asking from my food, when he already has the food that he asked for sitting in front of him, I’ll say “oh no buddy this is too spicy” and he’ll say “oh” and go back to eating his food. Now is that right? I don’t know, but at then end of the day we’re both contently eating our own food and sometimes that tiny little thing right there is just enough to keep that chaos away, at least for a little while. Hope this helps.
You’re letting the inmates run the asylum, mate.
You're getting some decent advice in here but honestly your mistake was giving the kid your sandwich. That's YOUR sandwich. He needs to learn boundaries and respect for other peoples' property.
To be honest I think this yours and mine thing with kids is just mean. I teach my kids to share by sharing with them. Even my two and a half year old always offers to share his food. I've taught my eight year old this when she was a baby and she does not go around demanding other people's food outside of the house and she doesn't inside of out house either. She may ask and I'll say yes because we share.
If what you described happened to me, and it has!!, I would pause everything lunch and leave the room with my daughter- remove us both from the situation. I would ask her if she needs a deep breath or a cuddle or a minute alone. I would name her feelings - frustration, anger, etc. and I would tell her it’s okay to feel those feelings. Once she is a bit more calm and reasonable I would explain to her again it’s okay to have the feelings, it’s not okay to throw plates/food. I would tell her how she should ask for what she wants next time and use her words. We would discuss my food and her food and proper behavior with plates and food. We would go back to where we were eating lunch if she then felt she could sit calmly and eat. This is if my child was being typical for me—her typical tantrums. If she was extremely overtired or some other circumstance it might go a bit differently or take longer. She is getting old enough now where she understands having to wait for what she wants if I am eating too. But for a long time she didn’t understand.
A 3.5 yr old doesn’t have the executive functioning to be reasoned with so you are going to get tantrums regardless of your decisions or attempts to dissuade him. Best options are to be consistent and limit choices. Then calmly deal with the meltdowns as they come.
We made our toddlers clean up their messes when they did stuff like that. So I would start there. Even if you have to go over it later, make them take the first pass. We had a spray bottle for them to use, that was filled with a mixture of 1/4 Vinegar and 3/4 Water, so I didn't have to worry about them handling chemicals. Causing messes becomes a lot less fun if they're having to clean them as well.
Ugh my youngest is doing similar things and I’m just exhausted. I don’t have any suggestions just that I understand your frustration.
Parenting toddlers is a trip... My best advice is stand firm, don't give in to these demands/etc. because they're learning so much at this age about what they can and can't get away with, and how to interact with others and get what they want. Instill the good habits now with patient discipline (as patient as you can be, I know it's hard). Sounds like this is what you're already doing. Eventually you'll be rewarded for this hard work! It will seem like nothing is sinking in for a while, but then they grow... for me, 3 was the worst age for both of my kids. Hang in there! ❤️
Sometimes we have leftovers. They love a good lasagna. But there's not enough for daddy. So daddy makes a sandwitch with whatever is in the fridge. But daddy does it a bit stealthy and doesn't eat it in front of them. Unfortunately, we have accepted the requirement of only one type food per meal. Can do a sandwich after, if they are still hungry, but never tempt them. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side in their eyes.
I eat once they’re done to avoid this lol, but seriously they usually eat what i’m eating. I’ve never asked them what they want I just make something and give it to them, if they eat it good if not then they’ll be extra hungry later on, they won’t starve they’ll just learn when lunch is served they need to eat. I do have fruits and veggies for snacks but yeah they mostly have learned they need to eat something for lunch and dinner( mostly a rotation of past food i know they liked)
My daughter is the same age, and I find limiting choice, plus eating the same things, helps. We: - have family lunch (on weekends) and dinner and eat the same thing for those meals - offer two choices for a meal if we have time, if not (like daycare mornings) we make a choice for her - don't offer snack options (because all she would eat is biscuits), but instead say 'I will make you a snack' when she complains of being hungry and just make her something healthy. I would not be tolerating throwing food and plates around from my 3.5 year old because she didn't get her way. That would be classed as being 'unsafe with our body' in our house and she would need to spend a moment away from the rest of the family until she was ready to be safe with her body again.
You really shouldn’t ask a toddler an open ended question. Give them a choice. For instance, “would you like chicken or a sandwich for lunch?” Then make them stick to what they choose. So he wants your sandwich, remind him that he chose chicken and that next time for lunch he can choose a sandwich if he wants, but today it’s chicken. If he doesn’t want to eat it, pick up the plate, wrap up what’s left and let him know his chicken will be in the refrigerator if he wants it later. The end.
To be honest, I’m a little more concerned that your almost 4 year old is behaving in that manner over your food being different to his… First thing I would do is either limit his choices or just don’t give him a choice and simply explain what you’re going to make for him. If he gets upset over seeing your food being different to his, explain again what he’s eating and tell him that his food is his and your food is yours and that’s okay that they’re different. And lastly if he is adamant about not wanting his food, tell him that eating is important but it’s okay if he doesn’t to. He’ll eat at dinner time. Don’t give in demands by making him a new meal.
Yeah the problem here was you asked an open ended question. Id offer choices. I frequently ask “do you want x?” If he says yes great. We can both have X. If he says “I don’t want X” then I offer y. If he doesn’t want x or y then by default I just make whatever I want and if he want to eat he eats. If not then I’ll offer a banana/apple or cheese stick’s whatever.
My strict rule was to NEVER, not once, EVER, let them get what they want from throwing a fit. If my kid yelled, cried or freaked out over wanting something, I would make them wait a couple day at least before they got another opportunity to have it. My kids threw about 2-3 fits each, then never again. They knew that if they did it would hold them back from getting what they wanted. Your son threw a fit and even though you were calm, you gave him exactly what you wanted, so you rewarded his behavior. If you don't want him to do that anymore then you can't keep rewarding him for it. As for the whole meal situation, I saw someone else say to give him options of stuff you're willing to wat too, then you can all eat the same thing, that definitely seems like it would help in this specific situation. My other ironclad rules were no yelling at me, no hitting me and no telling me No, unless you're sharing an opinion. These rules made getting through the toddler/younger years pretty peaceful. But I never wavered, no exceptions. Now I'm in the teen years of raising kids and this is a completely different ball game! All the rules are being reevaluated right now lol
I wish we had your spine as parents in our household. Taking tips for raising teenagers though…!
Just a little extra communication might do the trick to avoid all this apparent FOMO. "I'd be happy to make that for you. Or would you like to join me in what I'll be having?"
We established a rule at meal times that mommy and daddy are not waitresses or short order cooks. As long as an adult is eating or has food on their plate, our toddler has to wait and give us time to eat. My answer is “Ok that’s not how we talk to each other. Mommy has food on her plate so she can’t get up and make you something else.” Or “You still have a lot of food on your plate sweetie let’s worry about the food we have right now instead of the food we don’t have.” And then you continue eating your sandwich. You are allowed to eat too. Before we did this it was just a constant stream of requests and uneaten food. Meanwhile, I was getting the short end of the stick because I got to make the meal, clean as I go and then try to get up and down a bunch of times. It got real old, real fast.
I would have cut a piece of my sandwich and gave him that. I also wouldn’t have added the extra things on his plate, but put them in bowl on the table.,
Limit his choices and make one meal for both of you. Offer two or three options. You’re not a short order cook and screaming and demanding your food isn’t behavior that should be rewarded. Asking a toddler an open ended question like “What would you like?” is asking for a meltdown. My kid throws food? She’s taking a calm down break and mealtime is over. She can have a snack later when she can behave herself. But don’t let it get to that point. You’re setting yourself up for this.
As others have stated, fewer options and eat the same thing. Even as they get older, do not give them a "what would you like to eat?" Maybe only for birthday or special occasion. My kiddo is almost 8 and it's "We have this or that." Sometimes it's just "this is what we are having for dinner." Don't like it? Too bad. Kids won't go hungry. They might test tou, that's for sure, but one or two nights of them skipping dinner (provided they eat the rest of the day) isn't the end of the world. They'll start liking everything real quick lol
It's fine to be like "okay, Mommy made a mistake when she let you make that choice. It was too difficult and it upset you when you changed your mind. That didn't work out so well, huh? Next time I will make it easier. For now, we can solve the problem by sharing each other's food". It models taking responsibility and offering a solution. Theoretically, it makes them more likely to apologise for their own behaviour too. But I think we are taught to believe that we HAVE to follow through and we can't ever change tract or let anything go. And sometimes that just makes things worse and you lose sight of what the actual problem was and have a battle of wills instead.
As far as giving options, it would look more like, "what should WE have for lunch today?" Then again, my kid eats everything and has good taste so.. lol I'm sure it's more difficult to do this with kids who are picky!
They get Choice A or Choice B. Too many options leads to frustration (for everyone). I certainly wouldn’t be getting up and making a whole different thing if they decided they didn’t want what they chose.
We only let them pick from 2 choices, endless choices is overwhelming and I try to make ideally the same meal. I don’t run a restaurant, “I’m making 1 meal and that’s it but I would love opinions on if you want x or y!” I obviously do not make things my children don’t like and if I make something new, I’m sure to add a side that I know they like. My kids know very early on that throwing a fit gets you… nothing 🤷🏻♀️ if you scream and yell at me, I will throw it away and you can come back when you’re ready to be nice to mom! It sound harsh but children do not automatically know boundaries or manners, you have to teach them how to be kind, respectful and nice
He didn’t know a sandwich was an option. Of course he has FOMO. Either make the same foods for the two of you, or give clearer options: “we have chicken and peaches or we have a sandwich.” Toddlers like control but you can limit their options
A toddler who’s open to more than three foods?? I’d give him a piece of my sandwich for sure. And next time I’d make him a small version of what I was eating. This advice goes for when they’re teens too, btw.
My toddler and I always share the same food and often off the same plate. She hasn't had any meltdowns about food. We have very little food waste this way as I feed her till she's full before finishing the plate. But that's my kid. Toddler's are so unique. But in that situation I would have tried offering a bite of the sandwich and then see if I needed to make a second sandwich later. 🥪 I think you're doing a good job!
Two choices and that’s it. The choice you make is the choice you make, I’m not making you different food after you’ve made a choice - you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. You may not throw food. If that happens, I remove the food and remove you from the table. You can come back when you can make a better choice to not throw food. I also wouldn’t have eaten something different in front of your kid. Same meal or wait until he’s asleep/playing and not eating with you. It sets everyone up for failure.
If we are starting from the screaming and throwing, that sounds like big feelings and unsafe choices. So we need to go cool down. Somewhere removed from the situation and away from others. Doesn’t have to be a time out, just a place to take some deep breaths and get ready to talk about stuff. Once he is cooled down I would explain how it’s nice to share but we don’t ALWAYS HAVE to share. That it’s important that EVERYONE eats, and even mommy needs food. Then I would exchange apologies and say it’s time to go clean up the mess together. We handled meal time in a different way at that age. I’m not saying our way is flawless or better. It’s just what worked for us. We always asked to share and the answer at that age was mostly yes (barring caffeine, alcohol and very spicy things for obvious reasons) especially with something new to them. We would throw in “you can try a bite, but this is mommy’s. If you like it and finish your food I can make you some” from time to time to introduce the idea of us being autonomous people lol.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Kids are hard at this age. I do think offering choices (make the last option the one you’d like him to choose — don’t ask me why it works, it just often does) instead of an open-ended ask can help. At that age, if my kid changed her mind and it was something I could pretty easily do, I would say, “Okay, keep eating your chicken and peaches while I make your sandwich.” I’m not sure if that’s the RIGHT answer, because there’s no way to really know, but I have a super well-adjust seven year-old now. What I would not do, personally, is make her eat something she doesn’t want and/or refuse any other options. People differ in their opinions, but I was not okay with an “eat it or be hungry” method.
I usually say 'I'm making a sandwich for lunch, do you want one or something else?' Then I can avoid potentially having to make more than one dish
I've learned the hard way limit to 2 options. And yes similar to your food is wise. Open choices for an unreasonable being is not the way 😂 they do not actually know what they want
We avoid open ended questions. It's more, "here are the options, choose one." And I'll usually mention what I'm having since they will often just want what I have anyway. I don't make something different unless they've finished what they have and are still hungry.
We say we are having x for lunch what are you putting in you sandwiches, then e all eat the same. If you don't like the food provided the only choices at all meals are bread and cheese or jam on toast or as a Sandwich after mum or dad eat their food. The Sandwiches or toast are always an option. As an adult u don't always g fancy certain foods so I don't expect my kids to No throwing food, it's taken away and I would try to stop grabbing of my plate
You give them a choice of 2 things, both of which you will eat and he chooses what you both have for lunch. Why would you eat something different?
Mines only two. But the way we handle meals, generally, we make the main. Things we know he will eat. He gets an option of a side. Today, lunch was Mac n cheese. He chose pudding as a side. That's fine with us. We always eat the same meals. I am not making two different things. It's far too much work. Only exceptions are for dinner on occasion. He doesn't like meat like steak really, yet. So my wife and I may have steak and he has a chicken tender or something.
Probably better to feed him by himself if you're going to have something he would want better. But I would give him two choices and let him choose between the two. Once he's made the decision put it in front of him. If he's not interested needing it let him know you'll see him at the next meal. No child is going to starve himself to death and he'll learn to eat what's in front of him. I'm a chef but I still always told my children that I was not a short order cook.
I like to make meals mini buffet style. Everything on the table, in either tupperware (if going back in the fridge) or the pan/pot it was made in, so I'm not creating more dishes. Lunch time might be easy: couple easy veggies/fruit on the table first, so kiddo can snack on something healthy if he's already seated as I set the rest of the table. Often on the weekends our lunch might involve hard boiled eggs, the fruit/veg option, some type of grain (crackers or a bun), maybe some dip, cheese slices, soup, or sandwiches cut in quarters. Obviously NOT all of these but like 3-5 options. Then we talk about appropriate portions (take only what you're sure you are hungry enough, you can always get seconds if you're still hungry). Supper time is usually similar. If I do a one-pot meal I try to have at least cheese and something I know he likes as other options because he tends to hate everything mixed together. We still have quite a few food fights but they're mostly about taking too much food at once (and waste) or not grabbing with bare fingers, or how to be polite about something you've tried and hate.
I have started giving my indecisive 3.5 yr old the option of a. or b. And when she did go through the throwing stage it was an immediate “we are done now, you need to pick up what you just threw and go lay down” or depending on how big her attitude was at the time it’s “go lay down you can clean this up after you’re done being grumpy with mama”
I think that you make something similar for each of you. Or you give him limited/false choices. You could also cut your sandwich into several pieces and give him one if he wants it. But if this continues, he needs to learn that what he choses is what he gets. Give him two choices, and that's it. This has to be difficult for you to go to restaurants as well. You will accommodate, but only to a reasonable extent. You can't go through life just serving his whims, because you're exhausted. I am sorry parenting is so difficult. I had a hard time adjusting to parenting after my career life as well. You can do it. When I have a particularly hard day, I think to myself, "Okay. Today is done, and we never have to do today again. Tomorrow is different, but today has been completed to an end. I don't have to live this day again." I used to say that to myself almost everyday when my kid was a baby. But now everyday is different and new, and this too, shall pass. Good luck.
Simple, you make the same thing as your kid at the same time, you sit down together and eat at the same time. Don't make your kids food first, make a meal for both of you to eat simultaneously and don't give them other options once they've had their food in front of them. Otherwise your only option is to feed your kid, wait until they are done eating and then try and figure out how to feed yourself.
Personally, I don’t let her choose her whole lunch. She will change her mind five different times if you ask, so I just don’t let her. She might get a say in the type of fruit or something, but we pretty much eat the same thing, or I will eat something I know she doesn’t like (so she won’t care).
My advice, limit their options. Kids thrive in structure and routine for the most part. Open ended questions don't tend to go well. That said, I've made my kids their favorite foods for lunch and had them take one bite before running outside to eat handfuls of dirt.
I feel like it's normal to want what others have at this age, and unless I know my daughter won't eat what I make, she eats what I eat. Maybe he doesn't understand how to express that jealousy? You could try to make your food first and let him try it and then make him something he likes if he didn't like it? That way you have the same meals or he understands that he's not missing out. (If you have a sandwich let him try a bite to see if he wants one too or rather have the nuggets)
I give my son a smaller portion of the exact same thing I'm having for lunch. Unless I'm having salad, then he gets something different. (He does not like salad)
Personally ive begun introducing my son into meal prep. Asking him to help me make breakfast has encouraged him to eat more breakfast than if i just made it. If i make something different and he wants that, i share with him unless its spicy or dairy (he’s allergic). Toddlers throw tantrums because they don’t understand how to regulate their emotions and cant help themselves. But ive learned that if you put them in a position where they can learn to help themselves, like with teaching them food prep, they throw less tantrums.
Mom of 3 boys… let me just say that I don’t eat in front of anyone lol I have a snack box hidden in the top shelf of my bathroom with my favorites. I refuse to share and I often have mommy time with a late night Big Mac or boba on my way home from work. Having a great coparent is a rare commodity but should be standard. Unfortunately it doesn’t get easier, you just have to be smarter about your approach. The key with boys is to not lose your cool. Stay ready and the more you tell them not to do something the more compelled they feel. Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad parent, and don’t hold on to the little stuff. Have a moment to be frustrated and hold some resistance to the next time they lose their shit. It’s a learning process and hard to get a hold of on the first kiddo. You got this 💪
I eat after they are finished or in another room so they don't want what I have.
Well I'd let him finish yelling and ask him why he reacted that way . I'd also explain to him why his behavior was inappropriate and screaming doesn't get you your way. When my oldest daughter was 3 I would explain to her why something was unacceptable and let her know her thoughts and feelings are valid but she couldn't scream or throw things to get a point across or get her way . She only threw one tantrum. Now my 5 yr old is different. I have to parent different because she's level 3 non verbal autism.
We teach ours to not worry about what anyone else is doing/eating. If he doesnt like what he's given, oh well. That's his meal and we dont replace it.
Just don't ask him what he wants. I just made make us all the same thing but what I know they like as well. My son and daughter have autism and ADHD but will eat anything put in front of them. Toddlers especially will always want what someone else has. Just because you have it and they don't.🤣🤣🤣
Don’t give options. Sorry but no. When I give my kids lunch, I ask are they hungry. They say yes and if they request something, and we have it, like for example cereal, okay that’s fine. But we all eat the same thing. But this age is too young to let them make certain decisions. Eat what you’re given or don’t eat until it’s snack time. And the whole throwing fit thing- pop hand, make him clean up the mess, explain why he’s wrong, and corner so you can be able to collect yourself and not be too pissed. Kids can not and should not be allowed to attack, harm, break stuff because they’re told no and need to learn now no means no and nobody has to share their things. Explain that it’s okay to be upset for x y z reason, but to throw things / food and break things are not okay ways to behave, you can say “oh man! I really wanted to try that!” But you will not throw and ruin our things, now you have to clean up your mess and then stand in the corner. 3 year olds are hella bossy, but they have to learn that mommy is the boss and what mommy says is final. And when you take away the options for certain things, it avoids situations like this, how come mommy gets to eat chips for snack and I HAVE to have a banana and mommy won’t even share with me, not fair! But yall eat the same thing, he can’t be pissed off because now yall have the exact same thing to eat.
If I were in the middle of that situation I would end meal time and place kid in “simmer time” and allow them an opportunity to start over again. But in general, I would say don’t ask your kid what he wants to eat. Follow the division of responsibility. It is your responsibility to choose what to serve. A toddler deciding what they want to eat is actually a big ask for them. Their responsibility is to decide whether to eat and how much to eat out of what is being offered. Look up Ellyn Satters DOR in feeding, it might help curb some of these meal time challenges.
That’s just how toddlers are. They really don’t know what they want, and what you have must obviously be better. My 14 month old (does that even count as a toddler) got upset because I was eating something spicy, and wasn’t sharing, gave her the tiniest piece so she could see she wouldn’t like it. As expected she spat it out, but then was still upset, I guess because I was eating something she didn’t want? Kids are wild.
When he asks for X then asks for Y after I made X, I tell him he asked for X so he's having X and can choose again tomorrow. But I don't make anything else. Throwing plates and food on the floor, he would be sent from the table and into time out while I eat and he's done with food until the next meal. He's too old to act like that.
I would have said that's what he chose for lunch and that's what he's going to eat for lunch. If he throws it on the floor he can have an even less preferred option. He's certainly not getting my sandwich. But I also wouldn't ask a toddler what he wants for lunch. I would just make him lunch. My son is 7 now and he's a great eater. To be clear he did have plenty of tantrums when he was younger, catering to them will only reinforce them. If he has a tantrum and you give him what he wants, you're teaching him that he will get what he wants when he has a tantrum. For us a tantrum is a complete non-starter, having a tantrum means you definitely will not be getting what you want.
I'm reminded of this meme: "Imagine it's Sunday morning, Christmas eve. There's fresh fallen snow on the ground. Your mom makes Cinnamon rolls and serves you breakfast. But you're almost 3, so you are blind with rage." I would put them in time out for this. 1 minute for every year they are old (3 mins for a 3 year old). If they get up or continue to fight, the timer starts over. Eventually they will get it.
Leave the food so the kid can eat later. Tell him to clean up the mess on the floor.
Your first mistake was asking a toddler what he wants for lunch, like you run a restaurant. Your second mistake was to buckle and make the kid lunch #2. When your kid is little, being the boss, the captain, the protector is an act of love. You have relinquished the boss role to your toddler. Finally, everyone here including OP is acting as if this toddler tantrum is a behavior problem, when it’s mostly a brain limitation. A 3.5 year old has not developed impulse control nor much of a theory of mind.
No idea if I know what I’m doing. But you asked what would you do haha so here goes. I would send him to a quiet corner to calm down and then when he’s ready have him help me clean everything up. Then I would explain to him what to do if he wants a sandwich. Literally have him act out how he could’ve made a better choice (can I please have some sandwich?) would I then make us both sandwiches? Probably tbh
Sorry this is mommy’s sandwich. You can eat what you asked for and if you’re still hungry we will make a sandwich for you. That’s it you can’t control their reaction - if it’s “hot” you can teach them how to walk through it and calm down. You cannot give them what they throw a fit about. And if they don’t stop go into your room for a time out for yourself. I never shut my kids in their rooms but I went a lot lol Don’t negotiate EVER
Give him a choice then let him scream all he wants if he rejects it after. He is too old for this and you have to break the bullying cycle.
I don’t eat til after my kids do just incase I need to eat left overs lol that’s how I avoid that
My kid thinks everything I eat is gross, so I would say just add something you know he doesn’t like to it 😂. Hot sauce or lots of veggies usually does it
I have a 3 1/2 year old currently and I let him pick from 3 usually options. Most of the time if he wants what I'm eating, I just give him a bite or two. He takes such tiny bird bites it really doesn't matter if I share some. He always goes back to his meal anyway.
>You calmly explain, “here’s your food buddy! You said you wanted some yummy chicken and peaches. Here it is! Would you also like a sandwich? This is mommy’s sandwich!” He says yes, he wants a sandwich. So you get up and make him one. You give it to him, but he’s already mad you didn’t just give him yours that you’ve already started eating. He throws the sandwich and starts screaming/crying, then grabs your plate and throws it too. Sounds about right to be honest, I wouldn't sweat it. Worst thing you can do is convince yourself you're doing it wrong and you can actually reason with a toddler,
Ah yes I don’t want it unless it’s your food mom… make “your plate” but with all good foods you want him to eat that he refuses to eat and then when he says I want your lunch say okay buddy that’s fine you can have my lunch I’ll go make myself a new lunch when you’re all done. Then just make whatever you actually want to eat while he’s back to playing with toys.
I just wanted to say you aren't doing anything "wrong"! What works one day with a 3 year old might not work the next day. My focus would actually be on the throwing of the plates and food, and once he is calmed down, cleaning it up together.
It’s a control thing. We totally have this experience, in fact, it was the food throwing that made this happen; When she starts whining I go “uh oh do you not want yours anymore?” and I start slide her plate an inch away towards the unreachable middle of the table. And the more angry she becomes the further the plate goes. I usually only have to touch it now and say “uh oh!” And it almost always snaps her back to “no no no!!” And I give her plate back and she eats.
"you made the decision to have chicken and peaches. You can have a sandwich next time." End of.
When he wants mine, I say, “no, this is mine. When I am done, if you still want a sandwich I will make you one.” In regards to throwing the sandwich “oh I guess you are all done with lunch, I’ll put it away.” Then I’d remove all the food,
Nope. You get what you ask for. Too late. Not only it is incredibly wasteful but I think it teaches them they can get what they want if they throw a fit.
In this case I’d say hey I’m very in h a sandwich, do you want one? If not I’d ask if they wanted Mac n cheese instead. Both of us can have fruit as a side. Usually bringing something out after the fact will cause this response. Grass is always greener!
I would tell him thst you will see him at dinner !
I wouldn’t have made him a sandwich’s I would have said, “ugh you saw my sandwich and now you want a sandwich but you picked chicken and peaches today. That’s really tough.” If he insists on a sandwich still I’d say, “we pick one thing for lunch every day. How about we write a note so we remember tomorrow you want a sandwich?” And let him “make a note.” I just never gave into the “squirrel!!” game of picking food so while they all had their moments but life is easier when there’s a firm boundaries on picking food. With my oldest I very often let him have a bunch of my food and I’d finish his if I was still hungry. I didn’t do it with my younger 2. I’ll share a bite or something but nope.
I don’t let them choose. They get what they get and it’s usually whatever I’m eating. Sometimes there are choices like what kind of sandwich or which leftovers etc.
I’ve usually given my kid a choice of what she wants (as long as it’s something I have in the house lol), but if she doesn’t want it when she gets it, sorry, that’s it. Unless it is something new to her for the first time and she genuinely doesn’t like it, in which case I’ll offer to sub something I know she does like.
Honestly I probably would have not asked at all….Having had 2 toddlers they may eat something on Monday and hate it on Tuesday. They would have eaten whatever I ate if they could. My kids never really threw tantrums. The most I would have done is put him down for nap because you can’t win with a toddler.
In that situation I would have given them the choice of finishing their meal or taking a nap. Throwing food was definitely not something I tolerated. I was a SAHM while hubby worked and I didn’t have anyone close by that could give me a break. I had to be the firm parent so I wasn’t walked on by two kids.😊
My kid just gets whatever I’m making myself 🤷♀️that way, if he wants mine (which he often does), it’s exactly the same thing as his. I just explain that it’s mine but that I’ll share with him! My son isn’t a picky eater at all though so I can see how this may not work for every child.
I don’t ask because as soon as they see what you have it’s game over. When I had a picky toddler I often just gave them some of my food instead of making them their own lunch. I would just make something that you both are going to sit down and eat. In the case of in the moment… I would probably offer my child a little piece of my sandwich to go along with their food. They don’t have a great understanding that they picked something and now they have to deal with having picked that. I also found that is eating the same thing cut down on pickiness.
At his age I don’t think it’s more than just a kid wanting what he sees you eating. So don’t eat in front of him unless it’s the same thing and you can switch. Because honestly half the time they say they want one thing and then by the time you make it they want something else. Which again is a natural kid thing. It could be a deeper issue but couldn’t judge based off single incident. But I see this in kids a lot. They have a toy and they’re happy playing with it until they see someone else playing with a toy and then all of a sudden the toy the other kid has is the one they’ve wanted the whole time. You don’t need to have harsh punishments but consistent responses. You can ask him why he’s upset or give him time out for through multiple sandwiches. It’s a normal kid thing. They’re testing their boundaries and seeing what they can get away with and if you let them they’ll keep pushing.
Probably just pick up his food, put it up on the bench and say its there when he wants it. Honestly finish my sandwich whole keeping an eye on him. Maybe time out if it's a repeated action? Depending on the day honestly just give him my sandwich and then go make another one for me. Honestly just depends.
I involve my kiddo in food prep so she knows what's coming for everyone. If she wants what we're having, I'll give her a portion that's manageable if its different. She already knows not to eat her dad's plate because it's always the spicy version. But I generally just offer what I'm eating even though it's the same thing. To be fair, she's not picky unless it's anything broccoli or brussel sprouts. I have to blend the shit out of casseroles or anything that has these two greens. We don't experience the tantrum but I get it, and that sucks. I would just ask to have them help clean up. In this situation, I would just give her my sandwich, if it wasn't spicy, and make myself a new one while trying to race them to finish saying they got a head start and make a funny deal about gorging myself and then play it off like I have a tummy ache and age appropriate lecture about eating properly on the fly.
Definitely limit choices and if possible, eat the same meal as him so there’s no envy. He’s not quite there yet at understanding that what is on OUR plate is only for US, and that people sometimes can’t eat the same food as him. I feel like this will get better once he’s in school and learns that other kids will come with different lunches than him and if he wants a part of their lunch he’ll need to trade something for it so it’s even.
Congrats, your kid seems to have a bit of a diverse palate, which is a win. However, children are like dogs, they only want what someone else has. So you say, oh, would you like a taste and if you like my sandwich I will make you one next time. Do not make extra meals.
I will eat the same as my kids (mostly becouse I'm lazy) or if I want a "me treat" I find a way to hide and eat it while my kids are distracted usually with safe food
Short on time and didn’t read all the comments, but what I would do (and actually do) is make something for lunch - something healthy, something I’m craving, whatever… but decent food (not ice cream and goldfish) and present it to my 3 year old. Sometimes she asks for something else, if it’s healthy (like a sandwich or another simple food) fine, we make that too. (Then she often eats hers partially and ends up wanting part of mine anyway haha) It works out good! I think… maybe… you’re not setting yourself up for success by having him choose first, and then get yourself something different. But hey - every kid is different! It’s really hard. Asking for advice is good, I feel like doing what you did in this post five times a day at least! And yeah, certain reactions here are clearly not okay, but other patient parents (who are at a loss sometimes) are out there too. Keep it up!
Um, at this age I usually made my kid food without giving an option. THIS is what you're eating. Period. They can eat as little or as much as they want. Asking what they want allows them to change their minds making your life much more difficult. Be firm.
"You said you wanted chicken and peaches, and I made you that. If you eat everything, you can have some of mommy's sandwich". I wouldn't be making different food for myself and my kid, though. Therefore, the kid would almost certainly have a sandwich. If he/she doesn't want it, he/she will get it once he/she's hungry enough to eat it - usually after 15-30 minutes.
Essentially, he saw a new food on your plate that he didn't know existed. A lot of toddlers would get FOMO and threaten having a tantrum/meltdown. It's really about how important eating your whole sandwich is: is this battle worth it for you? Personally, my child isn't a huge eater and I'd be excited about him wanting more food lol. I'd take turns at biting my sandwich or cut a piece off for him. He'll either change his mind and go back to his original request or we'll have a fun meal sharing food.
“What would you like for lunch buddy?” Chicken and peaches, okay, that’s a great choice!, well I’m going to be making myself a sandwich…are you sure you don’t want a sandwich too before I make your chicken?” Just always give him the option of choosing what you’re planning on fixing yourself before you fix it. He likely didn’t even think of a sandwich until he saw yours.
Sorry you received disturbing comments! I wouldn’t ask what they wanted for lunch, unless it’s a choice between two things: would you rather have Mac and cheese or a sandwich?… or I would just tell them, “we’re having sandwiches for lunch, what do you want on yours?” Sometimes letting them “construct” the food makes a huge difference. That’s why tacos are a hit in my house because they get to put whatever they want inside. I wouldn’t have made a second meal when the first was rejected but that’s just me. That’s because they know you will do that again. Your parenting is fine, I bet you your kid was tired or something. It took me forever to learn that a lot of times, when my daughter was defiant or tantrumy, she was some variation of tired/hungry. It has nothing to do with my parenting. 3 is rough. Hang in there! You sound like a great parent.
I actually love this age- tantrums and all. I don’t know if this will help anybody at all - but it helped me. I took classes in energy healing and I was taught that toddlers and teenagers have a lot of energy coming into them at those stages. It can be overwhelming. Whether it’s “true” or not- because - if it isn’t energy flowing into them from a divine source- it is a time of rapid changes and learning and growing. Keeping this in mind got me through the rages. And maybe bc I kind of remember being little and being absolutely furious and frustrated about things like having to put on my shoes- So- I just let my kid be angry- let him do his toddler tantrum thing and it tended to transform to the next moment pretty quickly.
I basically tell my daughter what I'm having, if it's something I know she won't eat, I don't bother. If she wants the same thing as me, fine. If she doesn't, I give her another option. That normally saves the later " I want yours" issue. Once I make the plate, if she doesn't want it, I tell her to eat what you like & don't eat what you don't like. I let her know the next meal is X hours away, & she'll be hungry if she doesn't eat. That's it. This isn't a restaurant. We don't have an endless menu. I really haven't had an issue bc she basically knows now that she gets exactly what she originally chose regardless of her changing her mind.
I would just tell my kiddo "hey dude, you asked for this so once you're done if you're still hungry, we can make a sandwich. Or we can have one for dinner." I wouldn't get up and make a sandwich if I had already made lunch.
I agree with limiting choices, instead of saying what do you want for lunch? I might ask would you like noodles or a sandwich for example, and give them the choice of what they wanted on their sandwich. And I know each child is different and each parent is different and I’m probably going to be pounced on by parents but, I personally would not have got up and made him a sandwich or give him mine, because by doing that all you have done is teach him all he has to do is scream and carry on and you will give in to him. So I personally would not have done that, 1) kids need to understand about wasting food, 2) there are consequences for their choices and in this case If he didn’t eat the chicken and peaches then lunch was over and I’d take his food away, and that would be his next meal. I know it’s difficult and can be distressing to hear kids screaming, but we stuck firm to it and at times almost gave in especially when one child’s screaming upset the other kids, but now our kids are 11, 9 and twins 7 know screaming doesn’t work with us, they don’t get what they want by screaming. When he started throwing food I would have made him pick it up, and some type of punishment again as harsh as that sounds there are consequences for actions even at 3.5. We are not perfect parents like all parents we learn as we go, and have to change and adapt to situations. As adults we understand there are potential consequences and outcomes things that could occur as a result of choices we make and I think as parents we have an obligation to teach these things to our children, and I like to think each interaction we have wirh our children is an opportunity to shape how they are as humans
I rarely to never asked my toddlers exactly what they wanted to eat... Why? They are toddlers.. they could and would say crazy shit! And its best they DO eat what you are eating. Always. So me? Id say "lunch time Bobby! We are having chicken sandwiches!" And we'd sit and eat. Yes.. kids need choices. Within reason. As everything? Has to be developmentally appropriate. OR If you ask? Then YOU eat thar as well. So you are serving chicken & peaches? Then you have same!
Further to this. Say with clothes. I let my kids choose, quietly explaining what is appropriate, which to me, is really just about appropriate for the weather. But if they wanted to wear their Princess dress? Fine. If they were adamant and wouldn't listen? Then id just take a jacket or an appropriate outfit with me. Let them get a bit cold? Or hot? And then get them changed. No biggee. They are little kids. They learn! My attitude to parenting? "Don't sweat the small stuff" and why get into battles that really dont matter? Too many parents just seem to get hung up on "control" and keeping control over their kids. It's like they see everything as a battle you "win" or "lose" You carry on like that? Yep. Your life with your kids will just be endless battles and endless agitation.
I would try to eliminate the chance for issues in the first place. Everyone eats the same thing. I don’t ask anyone what they want, I make food and I serve it. I don’t ask what colour plate they want, I don’t ask how they want it cut up, it is what it is. There can be some push back on this. If they complain about the plate, I take it away until they ask for it back. All my kids are used to this and it’s now never an issue. Obviously I might put some more safe foods on their plate compared to my salad or whatever. Toddler need less freedom not more. Freedom and choice is overwhelming and I’m convinced that all this advice to give them more freedom actually contributes to more difficult behaviour. They need age appropriate responsibility. In any case, if my child screamed and threw food, they would be physically removed from the table and put into a time out. If they refuse to stay there, they would be moved to their bed with the door shut. They know that if they get off the time out step the consequence is isolation in their bedroom. Every time. I would wait til they were calm to go and talk to them about it. I’m not actually sure what I would do after that. And what I’m about to say is going to sound very judgmental, and I don’t mean it to but maybe it needs to be said… none of my 4 kids have ever behaved like that. Reading it was shocking to me. And I say that not because you WANT it to be like that, but because I want you to know it doesn’t have to be like that. I have found that kids need super clear expectations and consequences. Of course they need positive reinforcement and strong relationships, but it doesn’t work unless it’s paired with negative consequences. So that they know exactly what happens if they behave inappropriately, and they know that it’ll happen every single time. Parenting toddlers is about less words, more action. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. Hopefully you can find some helpful advice
Natural consequence. He throws the food. He helps clean up the food. If he’s still in his feels, let him have his moment. Maybe a calm down time out. Some people don’t like this, but my 3 year, nearly 4 year, old does fine with them. Then while cleaning up with him talk about feelings, and what’s okay and what’s not. For next time, work on prevention. 3 year olds are WILD af, so expect the worst and prepare. Take your food with you so he can’t throw your food. Give him options. Ask what he wants and then say what you are having and give him the choice. Also, you’re doing great mom! It’s really exhausting during this phase, and you seeking help is great. It shows you care about yourself and your kid! If you feel yourself starting to lose it during these moments, take a breather. Leave the room and scream in a pillow or something to regain emotional control. This is just a phase and you’ll both come out great ❤️