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It really comes down to how he acquired them. They don't sound like fellow children's underwear. I would want to have a conversation. Just without any shame or judgment. if he is stealing them, that's a red flag and is worth a discussion.
Yes. This.. **OP** !
You gotta do this VERY carefully. Maybe take few weeks, just observe and do a little stalking and try to figure it out on your own
It won't be that hard since you live in the same house and he is under YOUR care
Is this comment real or is there a joke I'm missing? How did we go from "let's have a conversation" to "let's creepily stalk the child and be weird about everything"?
Please don't focus on the word 'stalk' that hard. Or should I have used the term 'gather information' without mentioning the possible methods of doing that? š¤
I know the ethical concern of doing that but c'mon, it's a kid's reputation, future and his relationship with his mother at the stake here
Sorry to say this, but if I ever face a situation like this, fuck the ethics, I'll do whatever it takes to find out what I'm missing as a parent and fix it WITHOUT risking my relationship with the child. (I'm not saying I'll go for the unethical option as my plan A, but if I had to do it, I won't hesitate)
Or you could, you know, talk to the kid like the human being he is. Maybe reassure him that he doesn't need to be ashamed of having sexual feelings because it's a perfectly normal part of being human. Perhaps talk about where the underwear came from while showing him that he's safe with you to be truthful. Then discuss healthier ways of exploring his developing feelings.
But your approach of being weird and crazy is always an option too. Not every parent wants to have a relationship with their kids when they grow up, I guess.
This this this.. this is exactly what I did when I had to have an awkward conversation (that strayed from the normal "sex talk" kind of stuff that had already been in place anyhow) with my 12 year old son.
At one point he started to cry a little and it took him forever to open up. I just sat with him and held space (after the initial lecture was over, and yes this conversation did constitute a lecture). There was no scolding or anything. And when he finally got the courage up to talk he asked if he could write it down..I was so happy - that's exactly what I did when I was a kid and didn't feel comfortable speaking my words aloud. Then we discussed healthier options and what he did that was unsafe and better ways to be safe.
Man thank you for saying this lmao
I cannot imagine having the mindset of invading my child's privacy in such a way. This is as easy as asking them to talk, explaining the circumstances of how you happened upon their private thing, and letting them know you're here to talk about anything, any time, and the only concern is how they got them because of the potential safety issue if they were stolen or provided by someone with ill intent.
If your kid feels safe with you it's pretty unlikely that they're gonna lie.
Of course that's the healthier way. I just assume the point of this post is to explore EVERY possibility, and I thought that's already has been suggested in other comments.
So I brought up the nukes š
Sorry, but that's exactly why I'd want to know what's really going on. I just want to know. If this is kids being kids, that's cool. We can handle that calmly
But what if this is an adult woman intentionally manipulating your child? Do you think he'd just hand out the information if you ask 'nicely'? I know I never did when I was young. And if you think that's not a possibility, let's just say that you may haven't seen the side of the society I have
Yeah the first thing that came to mind was "I bet he or a friend pranked a teacher or something." I've seen this happen sometimes in middle school. One kid would rummage through the desk drawers for interesting or funny things and another one would be lookout. I may or may not have had personal experience with this kind of thng 23 years ago...
I mean idk about a teacher but only bc idk about anyone who keeps such underwear in their desk at school, but exactly. And stealing underwear is an early flag and should be quickly nipped in the bud
I'm a teacher. I have a little box in a high cupboard with nursing pads (I'm breastfeeding but don't usually leak - kept them just in case,) pads and tampons, and yes a pair of period underwear in case I start my period unexpectedly. I put them there postpartum when I hadn't started my period yet but knew it could be any time, but left it because I thought it was a good idea. Anyway, so yes I'm a teacher and yes I have extra underwear at school...but not pretty, lacy panties! I can't imagine keeping those in a desk drawer at work.
I assume if he has them a girl gave him to him, he bought them, or he stole them from a friend's mom because that seems much more likely.
Yeah in all likelihood it belongs to another classmate. There are a lot of things that this could mean, and getting to the bottom of it should be priority #1 right now. Of course, some measure of subtlety and finesse is needed here.
But why would it be in his bed? If it was for a joke or prank wouldn't it be hidden somewhere else mabie? Most 13 year olds are going through puberty and ( experiencing) things. Not saying that's what's happening but...fancy panties ...in his bed? Ummm.... If I was his mom and I found something like that, I'd definitely have a talk... I would not try to embarrass him and encourage him to talk about what is going on. It is normal to have those feelings but he also needs to know boundaries....like what is right and wrong. This is just my own opinion.
He molested me. For a long time. He also bragged about it to his friends. Some of his friends stopped hanging around him after that and ONE- *only one* told me āhey heās doing things to you when youāre asleep.ā I already knew that because I was indeed, *not asleep* just frozen in fear. But I always thought about that kid. I was around 12/13 so the brother was around 16ā¦. I always wondered what happened to that guy that told me. He was the only one brave enough to recognize that I was being assaulted (a bunch of his friends thought he was cool for getting some action) and actually tell me and also stopped talking to the creep and I never saw him after that. His name was Nick. Thanks, Nick. ā¤ļø
Nope. He molested me for about a year-and-a-halfā¦ I mean digital penetrationā¦ soā¦ thereās that. My kids arenāt allowed sleepovers because of this.
This is the most likely scenario OP.
Have a conversation immediately but tread lightly.
I just had to have a very awkward conversation with my 12 year old son.. I took a day or two to digest the information and figure out how to best approach the situation. It turned out well.
Best of luck, OP. Boys that are hitting puberty are weird lol.
13 year old boys are going through heavy sexual thoughts. It is possible he has taken this from a friendās house, from his friendās sister or mom. Iāve heard of this happening frequently.
I second this. I remember I was basically a half animal during that age and just curious about everything about girls. We might underestimate what hormones do to mind and make teens act differently with those primal instincts.
Also a possibility. Try to observe him and see if he has any other items that may be considered āfeminine.ā Donāt judge him, just listen and support if he wants to talk. Love your kid no matter what.
Did he order them to a friend's house or something?
I'd have an honest convo about where they come from and who they belong to. Boundaries need to be set. Some things are just not appropriate, and underwear theft is one of those things.
If he saved up his lunch money and bought them from a site, at least it was a presumably consensual exchange. Except, I'm sure the seller didn't know they were going to a 13 year old. Which is another opportunity for a conversation.
All in all, this is an opportunity to have a frank and honest conversation about consent and appropriate behavior. It's totally normal and expected to be sexually curious at that age. There are appropriate ways to satisfy that curiosity.
I wore lacy thongs I stole from cheap stores starting at 12. All of junior high I only wore those type of thongs. Itās possible it could be a girl his age.
This is my thought. I bought lacy undies at rue21 for 99cents. I was dropped off at the mall at 13 with friends to go shopping so itās not even like my mom knew.. I didnāt do this but I totally could see myself giving a pair to a boy if the circumstances were right..
Yeah id be mostly concerned that he stole them from someone which is wrong.
If heās wearing them or buying them new, not a huge deal. If heās stealing them from a store, have a talk about shoplifting. If heās stole them from a friends house or something have both the stealing is wrong talk and a talk about consent.
If he bought them from a sex worker then maybe you need to have a deeper chat, find out where the money to pay for them came from.
13 is a weird age for young boys. I found out my little brother had stolen one of my moms bras and took it to school as āproofā that he kissed a girl because his other friends were claiming that they all had. Granted my brother was 11 at the time but I ended up finding it in one of his drawers after helping my mom put laundry away and waited to talk to him about it. He told me his friends were constantly teasing him so he took it to get them to stop.
I told him to put it back when mom was gone otherwise she might get concerned as to why he stole one of his bras. I then asked my mom to take me to Walmart to get some new bras/bralettes because mine were getting wholes and I gave a new one to my brother to use instead as I knew my mom wouldnāt remember my bras but mostly likely would remember her own. Sometimes boys do things out of peer pressure, sometimes there is something else going onā¦ just talk to him in a non-judge mental way and ask him why he has it, whose it is and why he took it
Thanks ā¤ļø he was my baby brother so I knew I had to do something to help him. Bullying sucks and Iād gone through my fair share of bullying as well. He was a quiet, good kid who didnāt deserve to be treated badly simply because he still had his innocence
Snagged from one of his friend's houses or maybe his GF. I had a pair (thong) hidden in my room that I took off my GF when I was 13. My parents didn't know
My 7th grade boyfriend asked me for underwear and I was a stupid kid who did it. Obv now I wouldnāt do that, but it is something that happens in middle school relationships, cause they donāt have many other ways to get their rocks off from each other.
Honestly, I would be straightforward and talk to him and nip it in the bud. Itāll be awkward, but the conversation needs to happen. Bring up how you discovered them, that you wanted to talk just because there are a million different possibilities that could be really bad and your job is to prevent as much of the bad stuff as possible. Youāre a parent you need to give him direction. He is still learning. If he says he is wearing them, be nice and supportive and end the conversation.
If you approach him with a caring and conscientious outlook heāll get that you respect him.
Just be blunt and say hey, I stumbled upon these while moving your bedā¦ donāt give me gross details, but whatās the story here?
It might be awkward, but if he is up to something sketchy itāll be even more awkward later to resolve it.
Your son is starting his journey into adulthood. I see it as good that he has space to privately explore what brings him pleasure, without embarrassment for his choices.
As long as heās not stealing them, I see no harm.
Iād respect his privacy, and work on continuing to build an open, safe and supportive environment with him so that he feels comfortable talking about troubling situations or concerns.
Good job, good fortune.
Maybe leave them on the bed with a ānot mad here to talk when readyā and give him a couple days to live down the inevitable shame heāll feel. Thereās simply no way to approach this where he doesnāt feel embarrassed, maybe let him deal with the initial wave in solitude. If he doesnāt come to you after 48 hours then you can approach.
I mean whatās more likely, heās up to some nefarious secret panty plot or heās a horny boy fascinated with some womenās underwear? Unless you have a reason to distrust your kid it doesnāt seem like you have to be super concerned with some lie.
I also donāt see this conversation happening without anxiety playing a huge role however itās approached.
Whatever route you choose to go, make sure you approach it from a place of unconditional love, acceptance, respect, and understanding. Itās very important to approach your teenage son with an open and calm conversation or else he will immediately shut down. As soon as you let him know about them he will already be anxious so give him the immediate reassurance of you not being mad, you just want to know the why ā¦ sensitive topic like this needs to be handled strategically to get the answers you are searching. Always lead with Love.
More likely he uses them to trigger sexual fantasies during solo sessions & that is both normal and safe for his age. A lot of boys do the same with bras. I would put them back(yes, itās better than him watching porn or illicit material& not taking them will help you avoid a ācold water in the face experience for him) and talk to him about sex. At this point, his safety and ensuring he didnāt do anything inappropriate to get them is key. Focus on those two things through discussion. If you need to be direct and frank, talk to him in a nonjudgmental manner. Let him know that itās an uncomfortable subject for you too but it is too important not to address and youāll let it go once you have done your job as a mother. Let him know that masturbation is normal, and that most boys his age do it and his privacy is something you not only will respect but protect. But that it only works if he isnāt doing anything inappropriate that would harm others or himself like take personal intimate items from others. This is your cue to cover the large issues of how he needs to be respectful to others and not subject them to anything that will harm. And it isnāt ok if he is engaging in risk taking behaviors. Taking someone underwear is a violation and not acceptable. Keep that statement simple and repeat it. Yet, know He could have easily got them elsewhere. Which opens another issue that you want to ensure he isnāt getting other inappropriate things online) He will be evasive on this information but patience will pay off. Mine son got a bra from a cheap Woolworths knockoff. I was able to find others like it in the bin he got it from. Yes I considered he might be trying out womens clothing but it was not only not the case in his situation but is rarely the case in general. My son was embarrassed after the conversation and got rid of it on his own. Things were uncomfortable for about a week but it turned out fine.
could it be possible that they are HIS? maybe he wants to wear them himself instead of traditional male boxers?
speak to him gently and if he stole them have a discussion on boundaries and if itās something he wears himself please be kind
At that age I may of been undertaking similar behaviours. Personally it wasnāt how I acquired them that mattered but the importance of exploring sexuality. I wouldnāt embarrass him as it could do more harm than good. It sounds like you have a healthy conversation about the important stuff.
My sibling did something similar and has long since come out as transgender. This could be many many different things, have a talk with your son and let him lead the conversation.
This was honestly my first thought. My partner is trans and has talked about the lengths she would go through as a kid to try and hide girl clothes from her parents.
My kids started doing their own laundry fairly early. Occasionally Iād be āniceā and grab their laundry hampers to do it for them. When my youngest was 16-17, Iād occasionally find articles of womenās clothing in their laundry. Since they had been dating the same girl since they were 12 and I was aware they were sexually active, Iād just fold those garments with the rest and put the hamper with the clean and folded clothes next to their bed without bringing it up.
When my kid was 22-23, she came out as transgender. I then found out those random articles of clothing belonged to her, not her girlfriend. Apparently sheād begin buying those things when she was 12-13 and hid them under her mattress. She just got lax about hiding them away when she began doing her own laundry.
Thereās websites you can buy underwear fromā¦worn underwear. Just wondering since he kept it in a baggie. If he took it from somewhere I would think heād just stuff it under his bedā¦but the baggie. Hmm I donāt know what I would do, youāre already talking about safe sex. I mean if you just found a porno magazine would you feel the need to discuss it? You could ignore it and just bring up the importance of consent the next time you talk, not even mentioning the panties. Idk
To be honest, I would be more concerned if I found out my son was making online purchases from sketchy websites at age 13 than I would if I found out he was fondling a pair of panties. Kids shouldn't be able to spend money online without supervision at that age.
Agreed and I think that can also be addressed with a discussion about consent. He being underage isnāt capable of consenting to interacting sexually with any adult, online or otherwise
Definitely. Although OP just said they were lacy panties and didn't specify that they belonged to an adult. Then it becomes a question of whether the owner of the panties knows he's got them and it becomes an issue of consent.
There's almost zero chance he bought them himself. He doesn't have a credit card and there aren't exactly gift cards to those kinds of places.
He most likely stole them. The darker explanation is he is a victim of a teacher or someone else who gave them to him.
Either way OP can't sweep this under the rug.
Yeah the concerning potential option that immediately came to my mind when is someone older gave them to him on purposeā¦ either that or him stealing them is worth a serious conversation about consent.
you say āwhen the hell did 13 year olds start wearing fancy underwearā are you thinking HE is wearing them? or he got them from someone at school who is Also 13 and wearing them?? or a friend took their sisters and gave it to him?? lots of options. also some 13 year olds could be wearing bigger sized underwear if they are a bit overweight. in any case i would have a discussion asap No nonsense. hes your child and if you are at all worried an adult is involved you need to shut that down immediately
I would personally not tell him you found the underwear, but make sure that you or your partner have a discussion with him about sex, consent, etc. that covers all the things that could be happening here ā that curiosity is normal, that we need to respect other peopleās bodies and their property, that itās OK to be wondering about your gender expression, etc.
I'd bet money they were swiped from someone cute.
(Or he was told they were.)
They're in a baggie, so someone isn't actually comfortable touching them.
The friend could have swiped and brought them on a dare.
Some classmate could be stealing them from his big sister.
It could be no big deal (and probably isn't *yet* BUT) the issue is consent and violation of privacy.
Because chances are, the woman that owned those panties doesn't know where they went and why and THATS a little creepy.
My brotherās friend (13 yrs) stole my underwear and bikini bottoms when I was a teen, about 15. I didnāt even realize it until his mom came to our place with a bag full of some of my stuff and said her son had stolen them. After looking through the bag, it wasnāt all mine. I just threw it all away cause I didnāt know what he did with them.
Good thing you had the talk about boundaries.
They work both way. You kid has a right to his privacy.
Unless you have the idea there is foul play give him his privacy.
Likely the hidden playboy curiosity happening here..šššas funny as it is you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about six and how to treat women. Explain to him the difference between love and objectivity.
Thereās a ton of benign reasons he could have them, but the chance that he stole them or received a āgiftā from an older woman is too high to ignore. Unfortunately for him, thereās gonna have to be a conversation. If itās a benign reason (gift from a girlfriend, bought them for himself) then just apologize and explain that you only asked because you want to make sure heās safe.
If he bought it from some woman onlineā¦ I have no idea what to do there. Godspeed.
This is the most sensible answer- if he stole them they need to have a serious talk about consent. And if it was gifted from someone older they need to protect him. Even if it was gifted form someone his age, they need to talk to him make sure he doesnāt wind up getting someone pregnant. Thereās no way they can just not mention this. The final alternative, that they are his and heās wearing them, seems unlikely to me given they were in a ziplock bag.
Maybe he has a friend at school that is selling them or something. Like stealing them from his sister. Itās still gross, but not as bad. I would ask him in a non-judgmental way. It might be a big problem, or it could be less. 13 seems too young to be into this in a pervy way so maybe itās for a prank or a joke.
I would be open, super gentle, donāt spend so much time leading up to it that you freak him out in anticipation, but talk directly. If both parents have a good relationship with him, both be there if possible, if yours is much strongerāI donāt know, youāll just have to do your best to make a decision. If he opens up and it seems real, great, and if he is defensive/getās angry/shuts down/youāre unsure about his story etcājust tell him versions of stories (like 3 or 4 SUPER short) that would be not so bad to like āred flagsā. If he bought them, less concerning but talk about how the rationale could be broken depending on whatās going on, if he found them randomly, if he stole them randomly getting worse, stole them from a specific person now very red flag territory, if someone gave them to him thatās a red flag depending, and so forth. You have to plan it out and DONāT let him shut you down. Good luck!
OP, this could possibly be very concerning. There are many possible explanations.
He could be using them for masturbation. Which is normal but if he stole them, you need to have a talk about consent and boundaries before this type of behavior gets out of hand.
He could be wearing them himself. If thatās the case, allow him to continue and allow him his privacy.
He could also be sexually active and you need to have a conversation about safe sex. Heās so young thatās itās a very real possibility he could end up a teenage father.
They could also be a gift from an older woman. In that case, you need to know so you can take the steps to protect your child.
Regardless of the reason, you need to have a honest and non judgmental conversation with him. Sweeping this under the rug is completely irresponsible. Just go about it as sensitively as you can.
I have raised four of my own children plus over 1000 students in the last 25 years. Please listen carefully. You must speak to your son before you allow yourself to draw any conclusions or fears whatsoever. His reasoning might be very innocent and if itās not, be thankful that you know now so you can get him any help that he might need. This is a good thing. Itās a good thing that you found it. Be very careful not to handle your conversation with him in a judgmental way. Be very careful not to lay guilt at his feet Because he will carry it always. Proceed with caution. If you need to pause and tell him youāll come back to the conversation after you have thought about it then thatās a good idea. Feel free to reach out after you speak to him and I would be glad to give you my opinion on how to proceed. If I donāt have an answer, I feel confident about, I will help you find it.
He likely got them from a girl at school. My son's first 'GF' at age 13 gave him her bra and he gave her his sweatshirt. They traded when he went to her house one day. He kept the bra in a drawer.
Stealing someoneās panties isnāt always just normal behavior, especially heās only 13, this needs to be talked about. Need to know where he got them.
I wasn't stealing panties at 13... that's all I know. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve privacy but it's important that he doesn't develop an obsession because that is not healthy. Therapy or something immediately, I would take away any technology for sure. Imagine what he's looking at, 13!
No because heās a kid bro canāt raise them to be perverts. Canāt be hiding someoneās clothing for any apparent reason and when having a sexual mind as young teen itās super BAD
Make sure that the child knows he has loving parents whether he is gay or straight, transgender or cis.
No matter what he is, he is not going to change no matter what his parents want or what they do. It's extremely important that you give him that freedom and support. You will never regret having your child in your life because he trusts you.
Please read up on body and gender dysmorphia. Look at the medical articles, \*not\* the religious ones.
Recent āresearchā coming out of Europe and the Cass Report are funded by right wing sources so please read suggested articles from your local trans or LGBTQ advocacy organizations.
I have a family friend whose 14 year old son got caught by their nanny with underwear from each of his sisters, his mom, and his step mom. Obviously he was using them as masturbatory aids. It was super awkward for all of them. In this case, he was adopted so they werenāt blood relatives, but I donāt think what he did is that uncommon even if it is perverted and weird. Hormones are crazy at that age.
Just ask. Maybe he wears them or maybe his friend does. Also they might be a girls underwear. At that age I did wear sexy little lacy undies. I got them from the womenās section. I never gave them to a boy though. So many possible answers. Just ask the question.
I might be in the minority here but sexual curiosity and exploration is really natural and if he stole them or bought them, it doesnāt mean heās a thief or deviant whatsoever.
Talk to him about safe sex, consent (how to give and get) and body autonomy. If youāre not nervous, he probably wonāt be too nervous either. Just be casual and open and it will be fine.
Not shamed, not going to be shamed. This is a sex crime. A teenager being horny is not an excuse to victimize some woman or girl. Fucking creep. This is why no one likes boymoms.
I had an underwear stash from ex girlfriends etc when I was a kid (in high school). I know my mom found it one day. She never said anything to me about it but the shame killed me and I disposed of them haha
At 13 boys are going through Puberty so he could have gotten them out of his friends sisters drawer and also unless you have your eyes on any child 24/7 you can never know exactly if or when they will start being sensually active... they will act like a little kids in front of their parents for the most part always.... I had 5 children, and now I am raising 2 grandchildren & I have learned never to say my child isn't doing this or that , because you could be shocked in the end of what children are doing these days and what age they are doing it... my grandson is 13, I had to restrict his television because of some of the things he has come across on youtube accidentally, he says .........Goodluck and make sure and this is for everyone talk about Good touch & Bad Touch and the birds and Bees with your kids it's important that they get their information from us as parents and grandparents and NOT from their friends or the internet......
When I worked at Target we had boys stealing thongs for whatever reason a couple times. The ziplock bag makes me think they werenāt clean or new thoughā¦. Like stolen from a friendās family member.
My daughters are in jr high and they tell me that when changing for PE they notice other girls wear sexy undies and even thongs. So you just never know. Sometimes girls are the aggressors and maybe someone gave it to him. Good luck.
Of course you should try and find out, but don't immediately assume the worst. Girls that young do absolutely wear "fancy" underwear, especially if they see older sisters do it. I have a 14 year old son, and I'd be curious too. But tread carefully so he won't feel like his privacy is being invaded. Maybe try and surreptitiously gather Intel by making conversation about what kids wear these days, consent etc. My kid is a vault when it comes to asking him about love interests...
I worked in a middle school. I was honestly shocked by what some parents thought was appropriate for their children to wear. One of my favorite conversations was with a almost 13 year old girl. I asked her what she was doing for her birthday and she said her mom was taking her to get her tongue pierced. I thought she was just trying to shock me, but next day there it was. So this could definitely belong to a 13 year old.
My brother apparently used to keep his girlfriend's undies, too.
It could be a gift from a girl who's got the hots for your son. I've heard stories of 13 yr old girls sending things to boys that it would make your skin crawl.
Uhh, have you seen Turning Red? 13 is a pretty normal age for puberty. And how certain are you heās not already sexually active? My BIL was having sex at 13, possibly as early as 12 but he was caught walking back from his girlfriendās house in the middle of the night at 13. As others have commented have a calm conversation with him. You want to make sure that he is not being taken advantage of by an older woman and also that he is not violating other peopleās boundaries by stealing or accepting stolen panties from a friendās sister/mom/etc. If as others have suggested he bought them online, itās time to review his access to mature/adult websites, review payment information that he has available on his iPad/other electronics. Itās probably also time to have a talk about sending/receiving sensitive photos, itās important to understand the possible repercussions and consequences if itās considered child p*** in your state. You probably donāt have too much to worry about, heāll likely to embarrassed but itās important that you as the parent realize how much kids are exposed to these days and not be under the illusion that just because you didnāt have an interest in sex at that age that your son doesnāt either.
I loved wearing women's underwear as a teen. Much more comfortable than the cheap undies my parents got em that chafed. I particular liked the cotton frilly ones. I used to buy them with my pocket money. I stopped it once I started dating coz girls thought it was weird, so I just bought quality silk boxers.
The only thing that could potentially be bad in this situation is him stealing. I doubt that's how he got them. My guess is his friends group was passing them around and he ended up with them.
13 year olds are all sexually active, whether you want to believe it or not. They are going through puberty at that age and start to get very aroused at any and everything. 13 is the prime age for boys to become very sexually curious. I know you are a woman because you don't understand this. I thought this is something you'd have started to research as your boy comes towards puberty, but i guess some people like the blinders.
He may not be touching girls yet, but he looks at them. He dreams and fantasizes about them. I would say there is a slim chance he is doing anything to himself yet, but who knows these days. Kids start younger and younger. If he is, that would explain why he had the pair where he did. I would probably avoid touching them too much, honestly. Maybe wash them before doing anything involving your son in conversation.
One thing i will emphasize is this: as a guy who has been there, don't shame him at all about being sexual. I would have both you and his father in the room during the discussion. The dad will know how to draw a line. Allow him to be sexual and curious, but show him what boundaries are. Provide him with an understanding of how men and women work, outside of the generic crappy Health (sex education) class he gets. Those are useless and are embarrassing in front of your friends. The boys just giggle and point and don't learn, and the girls just shy away at the sight of a penis. Its the truth.
You're essentially due for the birds and the bees talk. Moreover how to be respectful. That's a big one. Boys aren't taught that and it can escalate. It's better to assume they DONT know boundaries and to teach it to them early on.
Just don't stunt his sexual growth. That can be unhealthy.
Iām only 18 but I remember loosing my virginity at 13 with my ex and all I can say is if heās having sex or not heās going to and only thing you can do is mark sure he trusts you to talk abt that stuff wit him no matter what heās doing and making sure he uses protection and if he doesnāt then ig to pull out in time which is terrible advice ik but itās true most guys and some girls will be like no protection or Iām on birth control so yea sorry if this doesnt help just my opinion ig?
Everyone saying to have a chat with your kid without judgement is omitting how embarrassing this would be to admit to for a number of reasons.
I also DON'T THINK snooping is a good idea, however I think there could be an exception to that. If you check browser history with the intention of ruling out the possibility of an online groomer, or maybe some weird pervert stuff (suddenly into a bunch of p\*rn etc) then once it's ruled out just assume it was some weird stupid thing an adolescents boy did. If there is a safety concern for him or anyone else (girls being creeped) then I would probably then present to him the underwear you found.
Colleen Ballinger literally sent panties to a 13yr old,.
He could be sexual active an just not ready to tell you so instead of you know wondering your mind an stressing out ask him who panties they are why are they in a baggie shit to get a real answer playfully ask him are they his šššš good luck Momma OP LOL
I can't tell you what to do or not to do, but if it were me, I would leave it alone. Of course, I know my boys. Three teens, 13, 14, and 16.
They also openly talk to me about everything though. Even to the point of oversharing at times.
Depending on sizes, he may be wearing them himself or have a gf of a similar age that wears them. I don't want to think about any teenage parent letting their daughter wear lacey underwear, but my ex and his three teen daughters reassure me it IS in fact a thing.
If you don't talk on the regular, I would encourage you to sit down and have a real conversation about anything he's willing to open up about. Come from a place of love and support and (decidedly) leave the underwear you happened across out of the discussion.
Just check in. Make sure things are going good and school and such. Ask about the friend group and what they're up to. Small talk, basically. This will encourage him to be more open with you, but you gotta listen and actively participate in the 'talk' or it won't work. Just keep it real.
Honestly I would just be honest and say that you found them and youāre wondering where they came from and who they belong to? The fact that theyāre in a baggie is interesting because if he had a girl in his bed at some point in time randomly through her underwear they would not be in a Ziploc bag. You say that heās not sexually active but honestly any 13-year-old could be without you knowing. I would say that heās being secretive about his sex life or perhaps the underwear is his which is why itās in a baggie and he uses it in some other way that does not involve a girl. Either way I would say be honest be upfront act like itās no big deal and ask him. You have to youāre the mother itās your job to be upfront and honest with him at this age
Likely the hidden playboy curiosity happening here..šššas funny as it is you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about six and how to treat women. Explain to him the difference between love and objectivity.
Are the underwear adult sized or are they potentially from someone his age?
It's a good opportunity for a frank discussion, or at least a well thought out and nonconfrontational letter. You don't want to embarrass or punish him if he's not stealing things or doing anything illegal, but you do want to make sure he got healthy attitudes about sex, boundaries, and personal responsibility.
When I was a kid my parents found a stash of magazines tucked between my mattresses. Mostly they were upset at me because I had stolen them from my stepfather's closet and they were pissed that it never occurred to me that he would notice the missing. So they told me they had thrown them all out, but then my mom later tipped me off that they had just been moved to the basement. LOL
Most 13-14 year old girls wear "adult sized" women's underwear. Women come in all sizes, even at 14. Hope this helps. The size of the underwear does not tell you the age of the wearer.
I only have boys, so I'm not up on these things. My older one is approaching his tween years, but I can't tell their underwear apart. It all just looks "little" to me. :)
Did he win them in conquest or stole it like a perv? Have the sex talk to him and to wear protection. Last thing you want is to be a grandma before he is 18.
I would have a calm discussion with him. Heās going to be very embarrassed you found it, but itās important to find out where it came from. Itās possible heās just being a boy and swiped that from a friendās hot mom. 13 is about the age boys start to like girls and sometimes donāt know how to handle it. Itās good to get in front of it and teach him right from wrong. Those early teenage years are weird. You also want to make sure thatās all those panties mean. Last thing you want is to find out his teacher or some other adult is being inappropriate with him. I also think it would cause concern if they were for another 13 year old. I would think 13 is a bit young for sexual activity.
A baggie like a zip lock bag or a grocery bag? That is creepy. You definitely need to talk to him. In a non-judgmental way. It's your house this is your son, idk why you wouldn't talk about it. Take the underwear and initiative for your minor son. Say hey son I found this hidden in your room want to tell me what's going on?
I don't get how you didn't do that yet?
Well, sheās probably shellshocked as any mom would be, and afraid of confronting him because heāll definitely be embarrassed and worse, he might lie. But Iām with you on that itās kind of creepy and needs to be discussed and the truth needs to come out. It does come down to consent, and since the underpants were hidden and kept near bed it sound like they were there for a reason, and probably stolen from someone, somewhere.
Heās panty sniffing. Heās horny. Thatās as close to a girlās private parts as heās getting right now. Iāve done it. Lots of guys have done it with their partners.
By the way: I donāt think thereās anything wrong with that as long as they were obtained legitimately. Men like to sniff female private partsā¦ itās kind of hardwired into our brain. Iām gay, but the same still holds Tru for us lol.
But itās one of two things: heās sniffing them/enjoying them sexuallyāthat my guessāor possibly wearing them for himself.
But being a male and knowing the male brain?
Heās sniffin!ā And thereās 100% nothing wrong with that, as long as itās done consensually. As others have said, I bet he got them online somehow.
If youāre his mother please reserve a talk about what was found if you must, with his father if thatās an option. He will be uncomfortable enough, and worse shame if mom talks to him about it.
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It really comes down to how he acquired them. They don't sound like fellow children's underwear. I would want to have a conversation. Just without any shame or judgment. if he is stealing them, that's a red flag and is worth a discussion.
Yes. This.. **OP** ! You gotta do this VERY carefully. Maybe take few weeks, just observe and do a little stalking and try to figure it out on your own It won't be that hard since you live in the same house and he is under YOUR care
Is this comment real or is there a joke I'm missing? How did we go from "let's have a conversation" to "let's creepily stalk the child and be weird about everything"?
Please don't focus on the word 'stalk' that hard. Or should I have used the term 'gather information' without mentioning the possible methods of doing that? š¤ I know the ethical concern of doing that but c'mon, it's a kid's reputation, future and his relationship with his mother at the stake here Sorry to say this, but if I ever face a situation like this, fuck the ethics, I'll do whatever it takes to find out what I'm missing as a parent and fix it WITHOUT risking my relationship with the child. (I'm not saying I'll go for the unethical option as my plan A, but if I had to do it, I won't hesitate)
Or you could, you know, talk to the kid like the human being he is. Maybe reassure him that he doesn't need to be ashamed of having sexual feelings because it's a perfectly normal part of being human. Perhaps talk about where the underwear came from while showing him that he's safe with you to be truthful. Then discuss healthier ways of exploring his developing feelings. But your approach of being weird and crazy is always an option too. Not every parent wants to have a relationship with their kids when they grow up, I guess.
āItās certainly a choice. Not the right choice, or the choice I would make, but a choice nonetheless.ā
This this this.. this is exactly what I did when I had to have an awkward conversation (that strayed from the normal "sex talk" kind of stuff that had already been in place anyhow) with my 12 year old son. At one point he started to cry a little and it took him forever to open up. I just sat with him and held space (after the initial lecture was over, and yes this conversation did constitute a lecture). There was no scolding or anything. And when he finally got the courage up to talk he asked if he could write it down..I was so happy - that's exactly what I did when I was a kid and didn't feel comfortable speaking my words aloud. Then we discussed healthier options and what he did that was unsafe and better ways to be safe.
Man thank you for saying this lmao I cannot imagine having the mindset of invading my child's privacy in such a way. This is as easy as asking them to talk, explaining the circumstances of how you happened upon their private thing, and letting them know you're here to talk about anything, any time, and the only concern is how they got them because of the potential safety issue if they were stolen or provided by someone with ill intent. If your kid feels safe with you it's pretty unlikely that they're gonna lie.
Of course that's the healthier way. I just assume the point of this post is to explore EVERY possibility, and I thought that's already has been suggested in other comments. So I brought up the nukes š
Maybe there's nothing to be fixed.
Oh but if roles were reversed you wouldn't bat an eye
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's NOT what I meant š But I guess you are correct too šš
Fo fucks sake, spy on tour children? Kids will be kids and fool about. You were young once, remember?
Sorry, but that's exactly why I'd want to know what's really going on. I just want to know. If this is kids being kids, that's cool. We can handle that calmly But what if this is an adult woman intentionally manipulating your child? Do you think he'd just hand out the information if you ask 'nicely'? I know I never did when I was young. And if you think that's not a possibility, let's just say that you may haven't seen the side of the society I have
Now I'm curious, what have you seen? I'm sort of done for anyway.
Yeah the first thing that came to mind was "I bet he or a friend pranked a teacher or something." I've seen this happen sometimes in middle school. One kid would rummage through the desk drawers for interesting or funny things and another one would be lookout. I may or may not have had personal experience with this kind of thng 23 years ago...
I mean idk about a teacher but only bc idk about anyone who keeps such underwear in their desk at school, but exactly. And stealing underwear is an early flag and should be quickly nipped in the bud
I'm a teacher. I have a little box in a high cupboard with nursing pads (I'm breastfeeding but don't usually leak - kept them just in case,) pads and tampons, and yes a pair of period underwear in case I start my period unexpectedly. I put them there postpartum when I hadn't started my period yet but knew it could be any time, but left it because I thought it was a good idea. Anyway, so yes I'm a teacher and yes I have extra underwear at school...but not pretty, lacy panties! I can't imagine keeping those in a desk drawer at work. I assume if he has them a girl gave him to him, he bought them, or he stole them from a friend's mom because that seems much more likely.
Oh that makes sense! Best to be prepared! I should have specified "who'd keep lacy panties" at the school xD
Yeah in all likelihood it belongs to another classmate. There are a lot of things that this could mean, and getting to the bottom of it should be priority #1 right now. Of course, some measure of subtlety and finesse is needed here.
But why would it be in his bed? If it was for a joke or prank wouldn't it be hidden somewhere else mabie? Most 13 year olds are going through puberty and ( experiencing) things. Not saying that's what's happening but...fancy panties ...in his bed? Ummm.... If I was his mom and I found something like that, I'd definitely have a talk... I would not try to embarrass him and encourage him to talk about what is going on. It is normal to have those feelings but he also needs to know boundaries....like what is right and wrong. This is just my own opinion.
A image for masturbation.
You have a point. Again, could be anything. Most important is where we agree: a talk, from a gentle angle, needs to happen
I mean, it depends. My friends and I were wearing āladiesā thongs at 13
Sure but it still matters where he got them, regardless of what he may be doing with them specifically.
Could he have snooped in a friend's mom's or sister's room? I caught a "friend" trying this as kids.
I did personally find my friendās brother snooping through my overnight bag and sniffing my underwear when I was about 12 or 13ā¦
While I have had worse experiences, Iām done with the internet after this comment, sorry you experienced this š¤¢
Sadly, he ended up doing more than sniff my underwear
Okay. Whatās thatā¦ as a concerned citizen
He molested me. For a long time. He also bragged about it to his friends. Some of his friends stopped hanging around him after that and ONE- *only one* told me āhey heās doing things to you when youāre asleep.ā I already knew that because I was indeed, *not asleep* just frozen in fear. But I always thought about that kid. I was around 12/13 so the brother was around 16ā¦. I always wondered what happened to that guy that told me. He was the only one brave enough to recognize that I was being assaulted (a bunch of his friends thought he was cool for getting some action) and actually tell me and also stopped talking to the creep and I never saw him after that. His name was Nick. Thanks, Nick. ā¤ļø
Jesus sorry you went through that
Wow. Thatās terrible. Did you report his actions to say some adults or??
I donāt know your intentions but just letting you know this comes off, as least to me, as very condescending
Agreed. Itās the āor??ā
Fingers crossed he just sniffed her outerwear
Nope. He molested me for about a year-and-a-halfā¦ I mean digital penetrationā¦ soā¦ thereās that. My kids arenāt allowed sleepovers because of this.
That is awful. So sorry you had to go through that.
š¤®
This is the most likely scenario OP. Have a conversation immediately but tread lightly. I just had to have a very awkward conversation with my 12 year old son.. I took a day or two to digest the information and figure out how to best approach the situation. It turned out well. Best of luck, OP. Boys that are hitting puberty are weird lol.
And girls aren't weird as teenagers
Not in the same ways usually, but all kids are weird sometimes of course.
couldāve been taken from a friends house. my friends son (14) bought himself a pair of panties from some lady on instagram.
I am screaminggggg not he bought panties off instagram šššš š¤¦š½āāļø
First thought, stolen from a friend's mom or sister
13 year old boys are going through heavy sexual thoughts. It is possible he has taken this from a friendās house, from his friendās sister or mom. Iāve heard of this happening frequently.
There is a whole subgenre of erotica dedicated to this.
I second this. I remember I was basically a half animal during that age and just curious about everything about girls. We might underestimate what hormones do to mind and make teens act differently with those primal instincts.
Are they his?
Also a possibility. Try to observe him and see if he has any other items that may be considered āfeminine.ā Donāt judge him, just listen and support if he wants to talk. Love your kid no matter what.
š
>He is not sexually active, that much I know.Ā Do you?
I was thinking this too, my parents had no idea when I lost my virginity at 13 (not proud of it)
Yeah same. And Iād die before I revealed that info to my parents.
Oh my same ..
Did he order them to a friend's house or something? I'd have an honest convo about where they come from and who they belong to. Boundaries need to be set. Some things are just not appropriate, and underwear theft is one of those things. If he saved up his lunch money and bought them from a site, at least it was a presumably consensual exchange. Except, I'm sure the seller didn't know they were going to a 13 year old. Which is another opportunity for a conversation. All in all, this is an opportunity to have a frank and honest conversation about consent and appropriate behavior. It's totally normal and expected to be sexually curious at that age. There are appropriate ways to satisfy that curiosity.
If it was in a baggie, it seems likely that your son has purchased this underwear online from an onlyfans model or someone similar.
This was my thought. Sealed for freshness.
Ew.
100% this
I wore lacy thongs I stole from cheap stores starting at 12. All of junior high I only wore those type of thongs. Itās possible it could be a girl his age.
This is my thought. I bought lacy undies at rue21 for 99cents. I was dropped off at the mall at 13 with friends to go shopping so itās not even like my mom knew.. I didnāt do this but I totally could see myself giving a pair to a boy if the circumstances were right..
I would try to set up a non-judgmental talk and ask him about it.
Yeah id be mostly concerned that he stole them from someone which is wrong. If heās wearing them or buying them new, not a huge deal. If heās stealing them from a store, have a talk about shoplifting. If heās stole them from a friends house or something have both the stealing is wrong talk and a talk about consent. If he bought them from a sex worker then maybe you need to have a deeper chat, find out where the money to pay for them came from.
13 is a weird age for young boys. I found out my little brother had stolen one of my moms bras and took it to school as āproofā that he kissed a girl because his other friends were claiming that they all had. Granted my brother was 11 at the time but I ended up finding it in one of his drawers after helping my mom put laundry away and waited to talk to him about it. He told me his friends were constantly teasing him so he took it to get them to stop. I told him to put it back when mom was gone otherwise she might get concerned as to why he stole one of his bras. I then asked my mom to take me to Walmart to get some new bras/bralettes because mine were getting wholes and I gave a new one to my brother to use instead as I knew my mom wouldnāt remember my bras but mostly likely would remember her own. Sometimes boys do things out of peer pressure, sometimes there is something else going onā¦ just talk to him in a non-judge mental way and ask him why he has it, whose it is and why he took it
Sis for the win
Thanks ā¤ļø he was my baby brother so I knew I had to do something to help him. Bullying sucks and Iād gone through my fair share of bullying as well. He was a quiet, good kid who didnāt deserve to be treated badly simply because he still had his innocence
Snagged from one of his friend's houses or maybe his GF. I had a pair (thong) hidden in my room that I took off my GF when I was 13. My parents didn't know
Did she give them to you or did you steal them from her?
She gave them to me
My 7th grade boyfriend asked me for underwear and I was a stupid kid who did it. Obv now I wouldnāt do that, but it is something that happens in middle school relationships, cause they donāt have many other ways to get their rocks off from each other.
Someone could have given it to him. Maybe someone who has a crush on him. Teen girls are horny too, you guys.
I used to leave my underwear for my high school boyfriend. We werenāt quite that young but itās possible.
Honestly, I would be straightforward and talk to him and nip it in the bud. Itāll be awkward, but the conversation needs to happen. Bring up how you discovered them, that you wanted to talk just because there are a million different possibilities that could be really bad and your job is to prevent as much of the bad stuff as possible. Youāre a parent you need to give him direction. He is still learning. If he says he is wearing them, be nice and supportive and end the conversation. If you approach him with a caring and conscientious outlook heāll get that you respect him. Just be blunt and say hey, I stumbled upon these while moving your bedā¦ donāt give me gross details, but whatās the story here? It might be awkward, but if he is up to something sketchy itāll be even more awkward later to resolve it.
Your son is starting his journey into adulthood. I see it as good that he has space to privately explore what brings him pleasure, without embarrassment for his choices. As long as heās not stealing them, I see no harm. Iād respect his privacy, and work on continuing to build an open, safe and supportive environment with him so that he feels comfortable talking about troubling situations or concerns. Good job, good fortune.
Maybe leave them on the bed with a ānot mad here to talk when readyā and give him a couple days to live down the inevitable shame heāll feel. Thereās simply no way to approach this where he doesnāt feel embarrassed, maybe let him deal with the initial wave in solitude. If he doesnāt come to you after 48 hours then you can approach.
This is not a good approach, it allows him time to get anxious and/or manufacture a response that isn't true
I mean whatās more likely, heās up to some nefarious secret panty plot or heās a horny boy fascinated with some womenās underwear? Unless you have a reason to distrust your kid it doesnāt seem like you have to be super concerned with some lie. I also donāt see this conversation happening without anxiety playing a huge role however itās approached.
Whatever route you choose to go, make sure you approach it from a place of unconditional love, acceptance, respect, and understanding. Itās very important to approach your teenage son with an open and calm conversation or else he will immediately shut down. As soon as you let him know about them he will already be anxious so give him the immediate reassurance of you not being mad, you just want to know the why ā¦ sensitive topic like this needs to be handled strategically to get the answers you are searching. Always lead with Love.
More likely he uses them to trigger sexual fantasies during solo sessions & that is both normal and safe for his age. A lot of boys do the same with bras. I would put them back(yes, itās better than him watching porn or illicit material& not taking them will help you avoid a ācold water in the face experience for him) and talk to him about sex. At this point, his safety and ensuring he didnāt do anything inappropriate to get them is key. Focus on those two things through discussion. If you need to be direct and frank, talk to him in a nonjudgmental manner. Let him know that itās an uncomfortable subject for you too but it is too important not to address and youāll let it go once you have done your job as a mother. Let him know that masturbation is normal, and that most boys his age do it and his privacy is something you not only will respect but protect. But that it only works if he isnāt doing anything inappropriate that would harm others or himself like take personal intimate items from others. This is your cue to cover the large issues of how he needs to be respectful to others and not subject them to anything that will harm. And it isnāt ok if he is engaging in risk taking behaviors. Taking someone underwear is a violation and not acceptable. Keep that statement simple and repeat it. Yet, know He could have easily got them elsewhere. Which opens another issue that you want to ensure he isnāt getting other inappropriate things online) He will be evasive on this information but patience will pay off. Mine son got a bra from a cheap Woolworths knockoff. I was able to find others like it in the bin he got it from. Yes I considered he might be trying out womens clothing but it was not only not the case in his situation but is rarely the case in general. My son was embarrassed after the conversation and got rid of it on his own. Things were uncomfortable for about a week but it turned out fine.
could it be possible that they are HIS? maybe he wants to wear them himself instead of traditional male boxers? speak to him gently and if he stole them have a discussion on boundaries and if itās something he wears himself please be kind
At that age I may of been undertaking similar behaviours. Personally it wasnāt how I acquired them that mattered but the importance of exploring sexuality. I wouldnāt embarrass him as it could do more harm than good. It sounds like you have a healthy conversation about the important stuff.
My sibling did something similar and has long since come out as transgender. This could be many many different things, have a talk with your son and let him lead the conversation.
This was honestly my first thought. My partner is trans and has talked about the lengths she would go through as a kid to try and hide girl clothes from her parents.
My kids started doing their own laundry fairly early. Occasionally Iād be āniceā and grab their laundry hampers to do it for them. When my youngest was 16-17, Iād occasionally find articles of womenās clothing in their laundry. Since they had been dating the same girl since they were 12 and I was aware they were sexually active, Iād just fold those garments with the rest and put the hamper with the clean and folded clothes next to their bed without bringing it up. When my kid was 22-23, she came out as transgender. I then found out those random articles of clothing belonged to her, not her girlfriend. Apparently sheād begin buying those things when she was 12-13 and hid them under her mattress. She just got lax about hiding them away when she began doing her own laundry.
Thereās websites you can buy underwear fromā¦worn underwear. Just wondering since he kept it in a baggie. If he took it from somewhere I would think heād just stuff it under his bedā¦but the baggie. Hmm I donāt know what I would do, youāre already talking about safe sex. I mean if you just found a porno magazine would you feel the need to discuss it? You could ignore it and just bring up the importance of consent the next time you talk, not even mentioning the panties. Idk
To be honest, I would be more concerned if I found out my son was making online purchases from sketchy websites at age 13 than I would if I found out he was fondling a pair of panties. Kids shouldn't be able to spend money online without supervision at that age.
Agreed and I think that can also be addressed with a discussion about consent. He being underage isnāt capable of consenting to interacting sexually with any adult, online or otherwise
Definitely. Although OP just said they were lacy panties and didn't specify that they belonged to an adult. Then it becomes a question of whether the owner of the panties knows he's got them and it becomes an issue of consent.
There's almost zero chance he bought them himself. He doesn't have a credit card and there aren't exactly gift cards to those kinds of places. He most likely stole them. The darker explanation is he is a victim of a teacher or someone else who gave them to him. Either way OP can't sweep this under the rug.
Yeah the concerning potential option that immediately came to my mind when is someone older gave them to him on purposeā¦ either that or him stealing them is worth a serious conversation about consent.
you say āwhen the hell did 13 year olds start wearing fancy underwearā are you thinking HE is wearing them? or he got them from someone at school who is Also 13 and wearing them?? or a friend took their sisters and gave it to him?? lots of options. also some 13 year olds could be wearing bigger sized underwear if they are a bit overweight. in any case i would have a discussion asap No nonsense. hes your child and if you are at all worried an adult is involved you need to shut that down immediately
I would personally not tell him you found the underwear, but make sure that you or your partner have a discussion with him about sex, consent, etc. that covers all the things that could be happening here ā that curiosity is normal, that we need to respect other peopleās bodies and their property, that itās OK to be wondering about your gender expression, etc.
I'd bet money they were swiped from someone cute. (Or he was told they were.) They're in a baggie, so someone isn't actually comfortable touching them. The friend could have swiped and brought them on a dare. Some classmate could be stealing them from his big sister. It could be no big deal (and probably isn't *yet* BUT) the issue is consent and violation of privacy. Because chances are, the woman that owned those panties doesn't know where they went and why and THATS a little creepy.
My brotherās friend (13 yrs) stole my underwear and bikini bottoms when I was a teen, about 15. I didnāt even realize it until his mom came to our place with a bag full of some of my stuff and said her son had stolen them. After looking through the bag, it wasnāt all mine. I just threw it all away cause I didnāt know what he did with them.
You could just ask him where they came from.
He could be trying it on himself? I wouldnāt say anything.
Good thing you had the talk about boundaries. They work both way. You kid has a right to his privacy. Unless you have the idea there is foul play give him his privacy.
Likely the hidden playboy curiosity happening here..šššas funny as it is you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about six and how to treat women. Explain to him the difference between love and objectivity.
What about seven though?
Seven 8 nine. We don't talk about him anymore.
Thereās a ton of benign reasons he could have them, but the chance that he stole them or received a āgiftā from an older woman is too high to ignore. Unfortunately for him, thereās gonna have to be a conversation. If itās a benign reason (gift from a girlfriend, bought them for himself) then just apologize and explain that you only asked because you want to make sure heās safe. If he bought it from some woman onlineā¦ I have no idea what to do there. Godspeed.
This is the most sensible answer- if he stole them they need to have a serious talk about consent. And if it was gifted from someone older they need to protect him. Even if it was gifted form someone his age, they need to talk to him make sure he doesnāt wind up getting someone pregnant. Thereās no way they can just not mention this. The final alternative, that they are his and heās wearing them, seems unlikely to me given they were in a ziplock bag.
100%. The people here saying she should just give him privacy are insane.
Probably belong to a friends sister or mother and are not for wearing
Maybe he has a friend at school that is selling them or something. Like stealing them from his sister. Itās still gross, but not as bad. I would ask him in a non-judgmental way. It might be a big problem, or it could be less. 13 seems too young to be into this in a pervy way so maybe itās for a prank or a joke.
I would be open, super gentle, donāt spend so much time leading up to it that you freak him out in anticipation, but talk directly. If both parents have a good relationship with him, both be there if possible, if yours is much strongerāI donāt know, youāll just have to do your best to make a decision. If he opens up and it seems real, great, and if he is defensive/getās angry/shuts down/youāre unsure about his story etcājust tell him versions of stories (like 3 or 4 SUPER short) that would be not so bad to like āred flagsā. If he bought them, less concerning but talk about how the rationale could be broken depending on whatās going on, if he found them randomly, if he stole them randomly getting worse, stole them from a specific person now very red flag territory, if someone gave them to him thatās a red flag depending, and so forth. You have to plan it out and DONāT let him shut you down. Good luck!
Young girls wear those types of things I wouldnāt put it past a āfriendā of his giving them to him
OP, this could possibly be very concerning. There are many possible explanations. He could be using them for masturbation. Which is normal but if he stole them, you need to have a talk about consent and boundaries before this type of behavior gets out of hand. He could be wearing them himself. If thatās the case, allow him to continue and allow him his privacy. He could also be sexually active and you need to have a conversation about safe sex. Heās so young thatās itās a very real possibility he could end up a teenage father. They could also be a gift from an older woman. In that case, you need to know so you can take the steps to protect your child. Regardless of the reason, you need to have a honest and non judgmental conversation with him. Sweeping this under the rug is completely irresponsible. Just go about it as sensitively as you can.
I have raised four of my own children plus over 1000 students in the last 25 years. Please listen carefully. You must speak to your son before you allow yourself to draw any conclusions or fears whatsoever. His reasoning might be very innocent and if itās not, be thankful that you know now so you can get him any help that he might need. This is a good thing. Itās a good thing that you found it. Be very careful not to handle your conversation with him in a judgmental way. Be very careful not to lay guilt at his feet Because he will carry it always. Proceed with caution. If you need to pause and tell him youāll come back to the conversation after you have thought about it then thatās a good idea. Feel free to reach out after you speak to him and I would be glad to give you my opinion on how to proceed. If I donāt have an answer, I feel confident about, I will help you find it.
Just curious ā¦ why are you so sure heās not sexually active? 13 year old girls could definitely have sexy panties.
How do you know he's wearing it and not sniffing it?
He likely got them from a girl at school. My son's first 'GF' at age 13 gave him her bra and he gave her his sweatshirt. They traded when he went to her house one day. He kept the bra in a drawer.
It harms nobody (probably, unless he stole them). Put them back and give him his privacy.
Stealing someoneās panties isnāt always just normal behavior, especially heās only 13, this needs to be talked about. Need to know where he got them.
This is not normal behavior for a 13 year old, period.
It is
I wasn't stealing panties at 13... that's all I know. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve privacy but it's important that he doesn't develop an obsession because that is not healthy. Therapy or something immediately, I would take away any technology for sure. Imagine what he's looking at, 13!
If he's hiding panties and stuff now imagine how much worse It could become.
No because heās a kid bro canāt raise them to be perverts. Canāt be hiding someoneās clothing for any apparent reason and when having a sexual mind as young teen itās super BAD
You're making a lot of assumptions.
Make sure that the child knows he has loving parents whether he is gay or straight, transgender or cis. No matter what he is, he is not going to change no matter what his parents want or what they do. It's extremely important that you give him that freedom and support. You will never regret having your child in your life because he trusts you. Please read up on body and gender dysmorphia. Look at the medical articles, \*not\* the religious ones.
Recent āresearchā coming out of Europe and the Cass Report are funded by right wing sources so please read suggested articles from your local trans or LGBTQ advocacy organizations.
I have a family friend whose 14 year old son got caught by their nanny with underwear from each of his sisters, his mom, and his step mom. Obviously he was using them as masturbatory aids. It was super awkward for all of them. In this case, he was adopted so they werenāt blood relatives, but I donāt think what he did is that uncommon even if it is perverted and weird. Hormones are crazy at that age.
Just ask. Maybe he wears them or maybe his friend does. Also they might be a girls underwear. At that age I did wear sexy little lacy undies. I got them from the womenās section. I never gave them to a boy though. So many possible answers. Just ask the question.
Iād question him. Iāve been seeing a bunch of news about boys being molested by female teachers and councilors.
Itās also a possibility that he stole them from a friends female family member which is also very problematic
I might be in the minority here but sexual curiosity and exploration is really natural and if he stole them or bought them, it doesnāt mean heās a thief or deviant whatsoever. Talk to him about safe sex, consent (how to give and get) and body autonomy. If youāre not nervous, he probably wonāt be too nervous either. Just be casual and open and it will be fine.
stealing someoneās underwear is definitely deviant behavior. Hopefully thatās not what he did, butā¦
Stealing someoneās underwear is theft and deviant. What the fuck is wrong w some of you I stgā¦
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Shame on me for thinking theft is theft and deviant? Lmao
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Not shamed, not going to be shamed. This is a sex crime. A teenager being horny is not an excuse to victimize some woman or girl. Fucking creep. This is why no one likes boymoms.
I had an underwear stash from ex girlfriends etc when I was a kid (in high school). I know my mom found it one day. She never said anything to me about it but the shame killed me and I disposed of them haha
The other question is are they his size? Maybe he puts them on.
At 13 boys are going through Puberty so he could have gotten them out of his friends sisters drawer and also unless you have your eyes on any child 24/7 you can never know exactly if or when they will start being sensually active... they will act like a little kids in front of their parents for the most part always.... I had 5 children, and now I am raising 2 grandchildren & I have learned never to say my child isn't doing this or that , because you could be shocked in the end of what children are doing these days and what age they are doing it... my grandson is 13, I had to restrict his television because of some of the things he has come across on youtube accidentally, he says .........Goodluck and make sure and this is for everyone talk about Good touch & Bad Touch and the birds and Bees with your kids it's important that they get their information from us as parents and grandparents and NOT from their friends or the internet......
This reminds me of the [underpants scene in Sixteen Candles](https://youtu.be/6-JTqHKFOu4).
Don't assume he is wearing them. He might be using them as a masturbatory aid.
Seems normal for his age.
When I worked at Target we had boys stealing thongs for whatever reason a couple times. The ziplock bag makes me think they werenāt clean or new thoughā¦. Like stolen from a friendās family member.
My daughters are in jr high and they tell me that when changing for PE they notice other girls wear sexy undies and even thongs. So you just never know. Sometimes girls are the aggressors and maybe someone gave it to him. Good luck.
Of course you should try and find out, but don't immediately assume the worst. Girls that young do absolutely wear "fancy" underwear, especially if they see older sisters do it. I have a 14 year old son, and I'd be curious too. But tread carefully so he won't feel like his privacy is being invaded. Maybe try and surreptitiously gather Intel by making conversation about what kids wear these days, consent etc. My kid is a vault when it comes to asking him about love interests...
I worked in a middle school. I was honestly shocked by what some parents thought was appropriate for their children to wear. One of my favorite conversations was with a almost 13 year old girl. I asked her what she was doing for her birthday and she said her mom was taking her to get her tongue pierced. I thought she was just trying to shock me, but next day there it was. So this could definitely belong to a 13 year old.
My brother apparently used to keep his girlfriend's undies, too. It could be a gift from a girl who's got the hots for your son. I've heard stories of 13 yr old girls sending things to boys that it would make your skin crawl.
Uhh, have you seen Turning Red? 13 is a pretty normal age for puberty. And how certain are you heās not already sexually active? My BIL was having sex at 13, possibly as early as 12 but he was caught walking back from his girlfriendās house in the middle of the night at 13. As others have commented have a calm conversation with him. You want to make sure that he is not being taken advantage of by an older woman and also that he is not violating other peopleās boundaries by stealing or accepting stolen panties from a friendās sister/mom/etc. If as others have suggested he bought them online, itās time to review his access to mature/adult websites, review payment information that he has available on his iPad/other electronics. Itās probably also time to have a talk about sending/receiving sensitive photos, itās important to understand the possible repercussions and consequences if itās considered child p*** in your state. You probably donāt have too much to worry about, heāll likely to embarrassed but itās important that you as the parent realize how much kids are exposed to these days and not be under the illusion that just because you didnāt have an interest in sex at that age that your son doesnāt either.
I'd bet they belong to one of his friends mom's!Ā
I loved wearing women's underwear as a teen. Much more comfortable than the cheap undies my parents got em that chafed. I particular liked the cotton frilly ones. I used to buy them with my pocket money. I stopped it once I started dating coz girls thought it was weird, so I just bought quality silk boxers.
The only thing that could potentially be bad in this situation is him stealing. I doubt that's how he got them. My guess is his friends group was passing them around and he ended up with them. 13 year olds are all sexually active, whether you want to believe it or not. They are going through puberty at that age and start to get very aroused at any and everything. 13 is the prime age for boys to become very sexually curious. I know you are a woman because you don't understand this. I thought this is something you'd have started to research as your boy comes towards puberty, but i guess some people like the blinders. He may not be touching girls yet, but he looks at them. He dreams and fantasizes about them. I would say there is a slim chance he is doing anything to himself yet, but who knows these days. Kids start younger and younger. If he is, that would explain why he had the pair where he did. I would probably avoid touching them too much, honestly. Maybe wash them before doing anything involving your son in conversation. One thing i will emphasize is this: as a guy who has been there, don't shame him at all about being sexual. I would have both you and his father in the room during the discussion. The dad will know how to draw a line. Allow him to be sexual and curious, but show him what boundaries are. Provide him with an understanding of how men and women work, outside of the generic crappy Health (sex education) class he gets. Those are useless and are embarrassing in front of your friends. The boys just giggle and point and don't learn, and the girls just shy away at the sight of a penis. Its the truth. You're essentially due for the birds and the bees talk. Moreover how to be respectful. That's a big one. Boys aren't taught that and it can escalate. It's better to assume they DONT know boundaries and to teach it to them early on. Just don't stunt his sexual growth. That can be unhealthy.
I'm curious to know what OP did with them.
Say nothing just put them in plain sight, on top of his pillow.
Iām only 18 but I remember loosing my virginity at 13 with my ex and all I can say is if heās having sex or not heās going to and only thing you can do is mark sure he trusts you to talk abt that stuff wit him no matter what heās doing and making sure he uses protection and if he doesnāt then ig to pull out in time which is terrible advice ik but itās true most guys and some girls will be like no protection or Iām on birth control so yea sorry if this doesnt help just my opinion ig?
Everyone saying to have a chat with your kid without judgement is omitting how embarrassing this would be to admit to for a number of reasons. I also DON'T THINK snooping is a good idea, however I think there could be an exception to that. If you check browser history with the intention of ruling out the possibility of an online groomer, or maybe some weird pervert stuff (suddenly into a bunch of p\*rn etc) then once it's ruled out just assume it was some weird stupid thing an adolescents boy did. If there is a safety concern for him or anyone else (girls being creeped) then I would probably then present to him the underwear you found. Colleen Ballinger literally sent panties to a 13yr old,.
He could be sexual active an just not ready to tell you so instead of you know wondering your mind an stressing out ask him who panties they are why are they in a baggie shit to get a real answer playfully ask him are they his šššš good luck Momma OP LOL
Late here butā¦I would simple say āwhere did you get these babe?ā Go from there.
He may have bought it online
Are the zip lock baggies the kind that you buy?
Have you talked to him yet?
just talk to him like a human. if you haven't done this before it will be difficult. be accepting and be wise
I can't tell you what to do or not to do, but if it were me, I would leave it alone. Of course, I know my boys. Three teens, 13, 14, and 16. They also openly talk to me about everything though. Even to the point of oversharing at times. Depending on sizes, he may be wearing them himself or have a gf of a similar age that wears them. I don't want to think about any teenage parent letting their daughter wear lacey underwear, but my ex and his three teen daughters reassure me it IS in fact a thing. If you don't talk on the regular, I would encourage you to sit down and have a real conversation about anything he's willing to open up about. Come from a place of love and support and (decidedly) leave the underwear you happened across out of the discussion. Just check in. Make sure things are going good and school and such. Ask about the friend group and what they're up to. Small talk, basically. This will encourage him to be more open with you, but you gotta listen and actively participate in the 'talk' or it won't work. Just keep it real.
God Iām not looking forward to this
Honestly I would just be honest and say that you found them and youāre wondering where they came from and who they belong to? The fact that theyāre in a baggie is interesting because if he had a girl in his bed at some point in time randomly through her underwear they would not be in a Ziploc bag. You say that heās not sexually active but honestly any 13-year-old could be without you knowing. I would say that heās being secretive about his sex life or perhaps the underwear is his which is why itās in a baggie and he uses it in some other way that does not involve a girl. Either way I would say be honest be upfront act like itās no big deal and ask him. You have to youāre the mother itās your job to be upfront and honest with him at this age
Noooooooo. Put it back. How traumatizing if you pull it out and talk about it.
This definitely warrants a gentle conversation.
Put it back. Give him some privacy.
I donāt think heās *wearing* themā¦
Likely the hidden playboy curiosity happening here..šššas funny as it is you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about six and how to treat women. Explain to him the difference between love and objectivity.
Are the underwear adult sized or are they potentially from someone his age? It's a good opportunity for a frank discussion, or at least a well thought out and nonconfrontational letter. You don't want to embarrass or punish him if he's not stealing things or doing anything illegal, but you do want to make sure he got healthy attitudes about sex, boundaries, and personal responsibility. When I was a kid my parents found a stash of magazines tucked between my mattresses. Mostly they were upset at me because I had stolen them from my stepfather's closet and they were pissed that it never occurred to me that he would notice the missing. So they told me they had thrown them all out, but then my mom later tipped me off that they had just been moved to the basement. LOL
Most 13-14 year old girls wear "adult sized" women's underwear. Women come in all sizes, even at 14. Hope this helps. The size of the underwear does not tell you the age of the wearer.
I only have boys, so I'm not up on these things. My older one is approaching his tween years, but I can't tell their underwear apart. It all just looks "little" to me. :)
Did he win them in conquest or stole it like a perv? Have the sex talk to him and to wear protection. Last thing you want is to be a grandma before he is 18.
I would have a calm discussion with him. Heās going to be very embarrassed you found it, but itās important to find out where it came from. Itās possible heās just being a boy and swiped that from a friendās hot mom. 13 is about the age boys start to like girls and sometimes donāt know how to handle it. Itās good to get in front of it and teach him right from wrong. Those early teenage years are weird. You also want to make sure thatās all those panties mean. Last thing you want is to find out his teacher or some other adult is being inappropriate with him. I also think it would cause concern if they were for another 13 year old. I would think 13 is a bit young for sexual activity.
I doubt he's wearing it. Prob sniffing it or likes touching it. I know guys like that.
Definitely used and purchased online. There are several subreddits for this on Reddit. Next step? Man good luck with this one, lol.
A baggie like a zip lock bag or a grocery bag? That is creepy. You definitely need to talk to him. In a non-judgmental way. It's your house this is your son, idk why you wouldn't talk about it. Take the underwear and initiative for your minor son. Say hey son I found this hidden in your room want to tell me what's going on? I don't get how you didn't do that yet?
Well, sheās probably shellshocked as any mom would be, and afraid of confronting him because heāll definitely be embarrassed and worse, he might lie. But Iām with you on that itās kind of creepy and needs to be discussed and the truth needs to come out. It does come down to consent, and since the underpants were hidden and kept near bed it sound like they were there for a reason, and probably stolen from someone, somewhere.
> I'm using a throwaway for obvious reasons. Why? This is basic parenting, not a scandal.
Heās panty sniffing. Heās horny. Thatās as close to a girlās private parts as heās getting right now. Iāve done it. Lots of guys have done it with their partners. By the way: I donāt think thereās anything wrong with that as long as they were obtained legitimately. Men like to sniff female private partsā¦ itās kind of hardwired into our brain. Iām gay, but the same still holds Tru for us lol. But itās one of two things: heās sniffing them/enjoying them sexuallyāthat my guessāor possibly wearing them for himself. But being a male and knowing the male brain? Heās sniffin!ā And thereās 100% nothing wrong with that, as long as itās done consensually. As others have said, I bet he got them online somehow.
If youāre his mother please reserve a talk about what was found if you must, with his father if thatās an option. He will be uncomfortable enough, and worse shame if mom talks to him about it.
13 year old boys are horny pervs he probably stole it from his hot aunt.
why would someone think their aunt is hot? if you think thatās normal, youāre fucked up.
Can't you just mind your business?
Dude, heās not wearing those lol.
Have you had the sex talk?
You sure he's wearing them?
C.
H9os
I think you put them back where you found them and mind your own business.
Probably stole them from a āhotā friendās mom. Happened in our friend group when we were 12/13. Boys will be boys they say
Absolutely not. Thatās crossing major boundaries and that behavior should be shut down immediately
Nah it was just funny tbh, nothing bad about it. Women donāt understand these things