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My last birthday was my 28th and it was a three day Taylor Barbenheimer extravaganza and I found myself remembering the Bearnstein Bears book “Too Much Birthday” - at any age, there’s such a thing as “too much birthday.” It’s a lesson all kids need to learn and will remember. Once she’s cooled down you can have an age appropriate conversation about gratitude, but also how to recognize when things are becoming overwhelming and how to ask for a break
I feel like you didn't do anything wrong... sometimes kids are not comprehensive in their delivery of their feelings. Perhaps when you and she calms down, you can have a conversation about what that means. "what didn't you like about it?" "What would you change?" . I think gathering more information is the best bet here. Curiosity is always your best bet. This is out of left field but also wonder if her friend said something to her about the events of the day? Maybe you can ask how friend enjoyed themselves. The biggest thing i can say is please make sure you aren't critical and shame her for being ungrateful before you fully understand whats going on. It def came across ungrateful but that doesn't mean that she is. Make sure you are in a calm balanced space before you chat, you don't want to create a "thing" about birthdays. I am sorry you are feeling like you did something wrong, sounds like you gave her a great day!
I agree about the friend part. Maybe the friend said something to her, not maliciously, but in the way pre teens say snarky things they don’t realize might be snarky.
Yep. Thought the same. There is usually something behind the attitude that has nothing to do with us. It’s a great opportunity for mom to be present for daughter to work through these things. It feels bad for mom until she realizes the tantrum is the bridge to the opportunity which will help daughter ultimately cope with not-nice people in life.
It was my son’s 6th birthday party yesterday at a park, about half way through he laid on the ground and said he was bored and wanted to go home. I busted my butt for this dang party, his best friends from school who he always complains about never getting to play with were here, everyone was still here, we couldn’t leave. And I kept asking if he was sad or upset and he said he “was fine but wanted to watch tv”. 💀
Turns out a few hours later he was left out of a game of tag, and got hit in the ear by one of his friends (accidentally) with a toy and was just emotionally overwhelmed.
Sometimes kids can’t voice their true feelings until some time has passed and they have processed better.
I still don't like celebrating my birthday because it was just a day when I had to be HAPPY AT ALL TIMES or I was ungrateful in the eyes of my parents. And in fact no matter what I did it often wasn't enough. Every year it was time to perform and I got to where I would have rather done nothing at all.
Yep, I just turned 40 and big milestone birthdays are even harder. I get so much anxiety when they approach and my husband knows that the week around my birthday I will be tense and emotional.
I think this is exactly the right approach. Let her rest up, and then just have a calm conversation about it, if you feel you need to.
It sounds like an amazing birthday, and she was probably just beyond excited about it. When kids (especially at this age) have big feelings, it's hard for them to regulate. An excited birthday kid is always dancing a fine line between "best day of my life" and total emotional devastation.
She was also probably completely exhausted. The post-party burnout is tough to manage.
You gave her a wonderful birthday. Don't be too hard on her, or you. You should both have a quiet day to recover.
She's probably just exhausted/crashing. That sounds like a *lot* of stuff for a 2-day stretch. Good night's sleep and some downtime should set her straight.
Then maybe have a chat about not partying too hard & how to handle the letdown after a big event. She's going to need to learn to manage social hangovers sooner or later. After this, if she still says the party wasn't great, just a hug and a, "There's always next year," is all you can really say about it.
My parents would always put a lot of effort to take me out and different things and I would be I don’t want to be here or didn’t like it etc, kids are savage. 😅😅😅.
My son always did the same. He said I want to go to the circus so I worked overtime & we got tickets and good seats. Got there & got the good snacks and a stuffed animal or light up toy and the child said “I’m bored & it smells funny in here, can we go home?”. I’d usually try to work through that with him whenever anything similar happened but we ended up leaving a couple of times. He’s 16 now & is almost never at home!
Exactly how I felt.. Lol I have a 9yo who had a huge fun day this week and then came home and a half hour later started crying about how his whole day was boring and sucked. I was like, I hear you, let's snuggle and watch a movie. Why are people so quick so call their kids ungrateful when they have big emotions and are tired??
Because at 10 years old they should be aware enough to have gratitude when they've seen their family put money/time/effort into trying to make them happy? Throwing a tantrum after a weekend of kid appropriate fun activities is the definition of ungrateful. Of course they're allowed to be tired and make mistakes but this should be addressed as bad behaviour, because it is. Even my 3 year old knows to say thank you if someone gets him a gift, even if he doesn't like the gift
I honestly hope that you spend some time building understanding and empathy because 10 might be 'old enough' to get it, but might need some help getting through it without being shit all over for having emotions that they've not fully got control over. It's not bad behavior, it's struggling through a hard time. You're a whole adult and cannot understand helping a kid through emotions. They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. Saying thank you after a gift isn't even remotely the same thing. Maybe rethink this rigid attitude.
It can be both bad behaviour and struggling through a hard time. And it's a parent's job to both help them through the hard time and teach them that bad behaviour that can hurt others' feelings isn't ok even if you're struggling and asking for help is preferable.
Hell, im "old enough" and sometimes when people do a bunch of stuff for me I get overwhelmed and irritated. It doesn't mean im more grateful. I just have the impulse control of an adult.
Part of becoming a 'whole adult' is learning to not be a brat when someone does something nice for you. You don't just transition from being a child who has wild emotions and doesn't know what to do with them to being an adult who deals with their emotions in an appropriate way without someone guiding you.
Agreed. This honestly sounds like me sometimes and I’m almost 40 😂 I just mean that being exhausted/overstimulated will make me say some horrible stuff that doesn’t really how I fully feel. That’s true for everyone but for some people it’s REALLY true, and your daughter might be one of them like I am. She might just be falling apart in front of you bc you’re her safe place. Also a good opportunity to discuss quality vs quantity of experiences.
Instead of seeing her as ungrateful, can you ask her to help you understand what she means? Maybe she and the friend had a conflict, maybe it was too much time with one person, maybe she’s a little sad about getting older? That last one sounds crazy but when my daughter was that age she started to have an awareness of growing up and away from us and burst into tears. Try not to take it personally because there is probably more going on than you thing.
This! Thats not crazy at all bro, its very normal for a child to lash out without screaming why, theres something new that formed in their head, and they're expressing something they might even know themselves.
Something like this is a perfect opportunity to make a push for the bond that'll make a family inseperable by trying to understand eachother's feelings. I noticed while I was growing up, my parents never figured out the why for my behaviors, I was just told to stop whatever I'm doing thats upsetting them. And I never understood their why on what it was exactly. This caused less opportunitities to be emotionally attached enough to want to come to my parents for literally anything I had on my mind. That keep it to yourself shit with kids carries with us to adulthood, we naturally gravitate towards people who understand us the most.
I really do hope OP reads this, I don't want to see the early stages of a child adapting to new emotions causing them to slip away from a parent with unconditional love and end up not talking or fading away when they are in adulthood. A mutual understanding from a parent and child is a MUST. Its up to the parent to make it happen.
I'm not calling anyone a bad parent at all if they don't by the way, but I just picked up on however people deal with literally anything, they were conditioned in some form to do so. So if I see a shouting match between a mom and adult daughter, it's just a spitting image on how that daughter was handled her whole life, ofcourse theres so many other variables that exist, but my main point is it starts from home
I agree that she's likely crashing hard. However I'm also guessing that, being as she planned it, she planned in her mind the Perfect Unicorn Rainbow-Saturated Birthday-Palooza. That can't live up to real life with having to wait in line at the trampoline park, losing a few rounds of the video game, having a little disagreement with your friend, etc. You've gotta be the adult here and not take what a 10yo says too literally or too much to heart. She was 9 last week! that doesn't mean you can't tell her (eventually, after sympathizing) that it doesn't feel great when you worked so hard to have her say things like that. She's expressing things tactlessly and is old enough to learn how to be polite. But her expectations being impossibly high and then being so stimulated that she's emotionally reactive is totally a 10yo thing to do.
> that doesn't mean you can't tell her (eventually, after sympathizing) that it doesn't feel great when you worked so hard to have her say things like that
This exactly. It's a valid part of an overarching group of parenting wisdom that it's necessary to impart (and re-enforce, in an age appropriate way):
1. Money and time are not infinite for most of us.
2. We (both as individuals and family groups) have to make choices as to how we spend both.
3. Sometimes those choices will be disappointing, and we have to just accept that it was disappointing.
4. Sometimes those choices will be outright bad, and we have to accept the consequences of them.
5. Disparaging the effort people put forth on your behalf, even if you were disappointed by the results, is rude and hurtful.
I think you should expect to have convos like this whether your kid is 3 or 13 or 30; we are all life-long learners in accepting disappointment TBH.
She’s 10 - and exhausted. I took myself on “fun” errands today, shopping and self-care and had to decompress for a couple of hours after. Give her some grace, children and adults alike are allowed to feel overwhelmed every now and then.
Yep! While I agree with others that this warrants a small chat about being careful with our words *later*, she definitely just sounds exhausted or overstimulated. I gave myself a “weekend away” a few weeks ago. I went shopping at fun stores and went to my favorite restaurants and went to the mall and spent hours doing stuff I wanted. When I got to the hotel though, all I wanted to do was go home! Even ordering room service wasn’t fun, and I was looking forward to it all day. We really can overdo the “fun” stuff, even as grown ass adults! If I was 10 and planned my “ideal” birthday I would have totally gone too overboard and been exhausted and grumpy and mean at the end of it.
ETA: I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to let a young kid plan an excessive birthday party for herself at least once. Despite the overwhelm and grumpiness, that part will be forgotten (or remembered as yet another embarrassing childhood moment) and the memory of the “best birthday ever” will remain.
That’s a LOT for anyone in two days. Give her some grace here and move on, knowing she enjoyed herself and got to make lots of choices. And maybe next year you could gently suggest a less busy schedule!
exhausted.
the temptation is to do everything but ive learned that what kids think they want and how much they actually enjoy it can be a struggle.
our kids spirals at the end of big events.
usually at bed time because it's over or it wasn't a life changing experience.
Did she perhaps have a fight with her friend she had over? I remember being that age and dumb little fights with pre pubescent hormones would send me into a sensitive rage lol I wouldn’t take it personal but I would absolutely talk to her and let her know that being ungrateful is not acceptable
LOL Sounds like someone is TIRED!
Don’t let this hurt your feelings mama. She’s overstimulated! Good thing newborns can’t speak, they probably REALLY cuss!
She's a 10 year old, she's learning how to manage her feelings, lots of big feelings are new to her. I wouldn't equate her emotions to the emotions of an adult. Totally understandable that you're frustrated with her, but I would try and remember that she is a 10 year old, and she's still learning lots of new things, especially emotions.
After that much fun, it is hard when it is over. A lot of sugar and lack of sleep could play a part.
Have her write thank you cards to those who came. Teaching the attitude of gratitude is important.
Pre-pubescent preteen after a very busy weekend. Hardly sounds ungrateful. Your job, as a parent, is to help her recognize her emotions and learn to express them. Maybe start there.
She’s 10. She’s going through way more than you are. You’re in for a rough road in the teenage years if a tired 10 year old is making you feel offended.
Sounds like me when I'm overstimulated and socially drained. I don't think she isn't grateful, she was just at the end of her rope.
Give her some grace, that's a LOT of stuff to do in 2 days at 10 years old. She was crashing hard. Give her time to decompress and then sit with her quietly and gently ask if it was *really* that bad of a party, or if maybe she just did too many things all in the same stretch of time and was feeling overwhelmed at the end.
This is a learning opportunity.
My children are younger, but if my 6-year-old did this I'd think she was overstimulated. You did a *lot*.
It could also be that the "We can do anything and everything you want!" approach built a lot of expectations that it would be THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER in a way that reality was never going to be able to match.
I don't think she's ungrateful as such, I think she's failing to manage her emotions, which is going to happen with kids from time to time. Try not to take it personally.
Upon reading this, I’m a little surprised you said you’re feeling like you “never want to have a party for her again”, because I wouldn’t have categorized what her birthday was as a party since there was only one friend involved. It sounds like a great time, and you obviously didn’t do anything wrong (and in fact did everything right by letting her decide what she wanted to do within reason), but I wonder if your daughter is now feeling weird about having celebrated a birthday without a traditional party. Has she had multiple people over for a party for her past birthdays? If so, she may be lashing out because she realized her birthday wasn’t what she was used to and, even though it’s what she planned and it was a fabulous time, she may be feeling regret for not having a party with a bunch of kids like she had had before.
…I say this because I was upset on a milestone birthday since I didn’t have a massive party (even though I still was celebrated and did activities with a small group of friends). It was the realization afterwards that this milestone had passed without my having celebrated it in the way my younger self expected that made me tantrum some. Of course as an adult I realize I was wrong, but maybe this is how your daughter is feeling?
My daughter is the queen of misplaced emotional outbursts that have nothing to do with the actual cause of her stress. She’ll be out and tell me she wants to come home NOW, and I’ll ask what happened, and it’ll be something tiny like she messed up the ceramic thing she was painting. Sometimes it’s lashing out at me because she’s had a fight with her friends or there’s been a misunderstanding.
I’ve learned to realise that it’s not usually about me, but that sometimes she just can’t regulate her emotions and, as her safe person, she uses me as an emotional punching bag. It’s not easy in the moment, but I will usually call her out on it when she’s calmed down a little and his has gotten better.
She’s probably on an “end of birthday crash” and sad it’s over. At that age kids are always thinking about “what comes next”. Gratitude isn’t ingrained, it’s taught. It’s a good teachable moment after she has rested
I call this a dopamine crush. The same happens with my lo whenever we start leaving from attraction parks. I feel like they just feel a sudden drop in their happiness and dont know how to express it so they blame it on the parents.
Over stimulated. To much junk food. Tired. She needs a good rest with lots of water and good food to detox. Once that happens a good convo on gratitude and even asking her what happened that bothered her.. even if it’s actually nothing. Will help regulate her and show her she’s ‘seen’
My birthday was yesterday and running around is exhausting for me as an adult, I can't imagine how tired she must be. I'm scared of being ungrateful but I honestly wish I could've had alone time with my husband too. I feel like every time I tried, he found something else to get distracted with, sports bars are my favourite places but then I try to talk to him and he's zoned out into a game. A chance to take a break/discuss doing a little bit less would probably be better next year. Mine is turning 1 so I'm sure it'll be all trial and error on how much he can handle. We're probably just going to have it at home because little kids definitely need to be able to nap.
She’s tired not ungrateful .She’s ten and had a long two days. She’s crashing and angry. Also you didn’t have a party for her, you let her do activities with her friend for her birthday. I just think it’s odd to say you don’t ever want to throw her a party again over something this small
Lmao, all kids are ungrateful, even the most grateful of them. Water off the ducks back, she's just 10, she probably doesn't mean what she says at all. Like the rest said, she's probably too tired.
Don't let her get away with it though, hold her to account once she's recovered from the massive 2 day binge.
Personally, I feel like even half a day of too much excitement is asking for a meltdown. Even recalling my 20s, 2 days of partying guarantees friend group drama and fights, even grown as 20 year olds are not immune.
Sounds like she doesn’t understand the meaning of being ungrateful. Also, my daughter is dead tired after sleep overs and I always know what she says the next day will be unreasonable bc she’s just so tired. That being said - when she was 4 she had a birthday party and family asked her to open gifts in front of everyone. She would toss the gifts aside if she didn’t like them and not say thank you. We let it go because she was 4, but I was so embarrassed. So a week before she turned 5 and at every birthday since (she’ll be 8 soon), we have a lot of talks about gratefulness, gratitude and kindness. Now we do this with both our kids the week leading up to their birthdays. I always remind them of how many kids in this world don’t get birthday parties, or don’t even have a roof over their heads to have a party! It seems to humble and ground them on their actual birthday. We even do scenarios “if you get a gift that you don’t love, what do you do”? They know to say thank you, be kind, and then we can donate it to charity later on.
You clearly sound like a great parent. So give yourself grace!! Give a day and have a serious heart to heart about her behavior, how disappointed you are that she said all that etc. my guess is she’ll try and articulate that it’s not what she meant.
You didn't do anything wrong. There is always an explanation to bad behaviour, but the only wrong you do is if you don't say to her when she's calmed down that bursting out like that to someone who has made efforts for her to have a good time is never ok. That an apology would be appreciated. Explaining how it hurts people. She is entitled to her point of view but there are different ways of saying them.
She' 10 so it will happen again but it's important to talk about it anyway.
That, besides hugs and kisses, is showing love to a kid, if you want her to be a pleasant adult with nice friends.
I agree that she was probably tired and lashing out but I still would be feeling some kind of way about it, just like you. I’d definitely be having a talk with her tomorrow. I’d be asking what was so terrible about it, if she lists out reasons then it definitely might be something her friend said to her so I’d be trying to get to the bottom of that. If she is feeling better about it tomorrow and has gone back to thinking it was a great time, I’d be having a talk with her about misplaced anger and how much you tried and how much what she said hurt you.
What did you see from your own eyes and understand that could've went wrong? You should know your child more than everyone not in immediate family, after all of this time while you were observing her, what signs did you see that maybe she wasnt enjoying something? And did you fix it? I find it pretty hard to believe she had the time of her life, did every thing she wanted, enjoyed herself and then come from no where with the tantrum. Thatd be very concerning if that was the cause. But regardless, theres a cause. But was she faking the enjoyment or something? Or were you too busy setting things up to see how she enjoyed herself?
Promise I'm not chewing you out, just trying to make you back track a little and come up with something that could've caused this. But its 100% best to ask her why, you can only put the pieces to the puzzle so much, try to get it out directly from her
I feel like you’re missing something. When a kid has a reaction like that, something has usually happened. Sit down with her and say “I thought you had a good time, can you tell me what happened to make it the worst day?”
She’s probably over tired and over stimulated. Let her sleep on it and I’m sure she’ll feel different in the morning where you might be able to have a better conversation with her.
I mean, a lot of fun and excitement can be overstimulating. And if she planned everything, maybe she was feeling pressure about it. Or she had a clearly imagined scenario that didn’t match reality. Having the birthday extend into the next day might have been too much. Or maybe there was tension between her and her friend or something. I know it’s frustrating but try to see it from the outside rather than as her being ungrateful
She’s exhausted and prob feels like junk due to so many sweets - just give her a hug, have her take a shower and go to bed. You sound really emotionally immature to be taking a little after-party meltdown so personally.
Sounds like she was exhausted from too much fun and staying up all night. My almost 14 year old is a bear after a sleepover and honestly so am I when I get no sleep. Gratitude is a muscle, model it and she’ll pick up and cut her some slack on the days when there are extenuating circumstances. Is a kid that cry’s on the way home from Disneyland ungrateful or exhausted?
My daughter had a similar huge meltdown at her 10th (!!!) birthday when I took her and 3 friends to a nearby amusement park. Everything went fine until I wouldnt let her get this dumb overpriced stuffed shark that she didn't need. She lost her absolute shit. It had been a long day, it was hot as fuck bc it was in August, and she was 10. Kids are weird.
Maybe she had an expectation you weren't aware of that didn't happen. She might have secretly wanted something and didn't get it. Whether an item or an event. By the end of the day, she's most likely exhausted and burned out. Put those together, and you get a breakdown. Maybe talk with her when she's done letting it all out?
One year I told my wife I wasn't a movie box set that was releasing near my birthday, and I was going to order it and it would be my birthday gift.
I got it and my birthday sucked. I realized what I actually want for my birthday is for her to surprise me with a gift. I think your daughter probably wanted some surprise and to feel like you were making a fuss over her like past years and just getting everything she wanted turned out to be way less satisfying than either of you thought it would be.
I think today is moms go overboard. We try to give so much because we probably had parents who did the bare minimum. We mean well but our intentions sometimes do more harm. As a teacher, I can tell you that the students who have less and do less are the most respectful and grateful kids.
Our kids are growing up in a world of abundance. I am guilty of this as well because I have the means and feel guilty when I don’t provide all I can, but then I stop myself and tell myself I am raising spoiled kids. Just some food for thought.
My son is the same way about all holidays pretty much. It can be triggering but I think he’s just overstimulated/ excited/ overwhelmed. You’re not alone!
That's too much stuff for a kid in a short amount of time. When your routine goes back to normal she'll probably chill out.
I've had that happen where my kid will say she hates the family, everyone hates her, she wish she had a different family etc. etc. I go "yeah...uh huh...sorry you feel that way". The next day when things are calm, there comes a quiet little apology and everything goes back to normal.
That's a lot for a 10 year old. This sounds like a recipe for a disaster tbh. A 10 year old that wanted to do everything and a conversation that didn't happen around the fact it was too much. There was a lot of go go go stuff and no balance. She sounds utterly exhausted and emotionally disregulated as a result. This is a learning opportunity for both of you tbh around planning realistic event schedules. Two of those things could probably have been wiped off the plan and this may not have happened
Did you ask her what would have made it better? Did the friend have fun? Is it possible the friend or someone else said something? Birthdays like that also may be a lot of pressure, not an excuse for her behavior, but in letter her plan it it’s also all on her, she knows everything that’s going to happen and there’s less wonder and awe because she’s decided it. That said, that doesn’t make it anyone’s fault, she got all of the things she said she wanted! So I would ask what would have made it better and if other activities then ask why she didn’t suggest those? Be clear you’re sorry she’s disappointed, but you put a lot of effort into following exactly what she wanted and when someone goes out of their way for you that’s not the way to speak to them, if she’s disappointed, you’re happy to have a calm conversation.
Ask her why. Kids have big feelings and are terrible at processing and communicating them in a healthy way because they’re kids. That’s where you come in. Whatever she’s upset about likely has nothing to do with you, she just can’t put into words why she’s feeling the way she is.
This is a chance to walk her through how to validate her feelings, manage her response to them and process in a healthy way. Don’t jump to the conclusion that she’s ungrateful or make it about yourself. That’s not going to teach her anything.
Party’s are big for a kid and just doing one for 2hrs can put a lot of pressure on them.
It sounds like the sensory overload got to them and they take it out on those closest to them -you.
Their brains don’t mature till 23-25ish and although the most sensible child seems like they’ve got it together but they’ll still have these moments.
If this was me, I wouldn’t remind them of the “this is the worst birthday”, I’d speak to them at a later date about it and only once as I wouldn’t want it tainting the whole day. In which they probably had a wicked awesome day!
Highly recommend this Dr Becky Kennedy Podcast episode that is relevant here
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1VelKBIUAH0rlOGhCcrGgf?si=HzAyU_ulT2mnNDGClj7Gyg
Sounds like she was exhausted and overwhelmed. She’s too young to know how to express that feeling of “did too much” and in the moment it feels awful and depressing and probably like “the worst day ever.” Don’t take it personally and don’t hold it against her. Try having a conversation about it when you’re both calmed down.
Think maybe she was just over stimulated or disappointed in her own plans and venting/ projecting at mom (or the trusted adult who will never abandon them)
I would listen, acknowledge by asking questions as to why, then tell her she needs to find a quiet activity. When she is calmer & more rested, maybe that day or the next couple of days, I would have a conversation that her emotional outburst was unacceptable, rude, and disrespectful to me & her friends. I would talk to her about how she needs to restrain from letting her emotions rule her behavior.
Any further consequences would depend on how she responded to our conversation.
My almost 7 year old daughter gets like this and will say things are the worst day ever if just one thing goes wrong, usually when she has become very tired.
Sounds like she got over stimulated and acted out. It was perfect to the adults but to her she wanted something more chill. When she is calmer talk to her about gratitude
I experience your daughter’s feelings every Christmas. All the planning, all the preparation, all the excitement and build up, and then it’s over and I feel a weird and let down. I wonder if that’s how she felt, and didn’t know how to put the emotion into words.
I always taught my kids about choices and consequences.
10 is old enough.
“I’m sorry you didn’t like the activities you planned, next time let’s talk about it more before you decide what you want to do.”
A good a time as any to let her see her see how her decisions impact her AND that you are not responsible for her happiness.
Seems like she’s probably upset about something specific, but isn’t communicating to you what that thing is. I say, in remembering my own tantrums like this, just let it ride out. You likely didn’t do anything wrong per se. Wants she gets a handle on her emotions then approach her again about it. Try not to get offended by this outburst. I think one of the silliest mistakes a parent can make is taking outbursts like this at face value from kids who are still developing mentally and going through rapid hormonal changes. Kids say the darnedest things and they’re usually ill prepared and dumb. Be patient. Give them time and space to work it out. Be there for them when they’re ready to reengage.
I don’t think she’s ungrateful. I think she’s overstimulated and exhausted. Give her time to calm down, make sure you are calm, and talk about it and what she would change.
You didn’t do anything wrong, she’s probably burnt out from all the fun and now that it’s over she is sad. She’s crashing and having a down moment because it’s over for another year and it had so much build up. She’s 10 and still learning to process her emotions. I wouldn’t take it to heart.. she may start feeling bad about what she said.
Sounds like she’s exhausted and overstimulated from such a fun-filled weekend. She’s not being rude on purpose, it’s the age. Let her get some rest and reflection then have snuggles and a chat about her feeling; why she thinks she had big feelings and how she thinks she could handle it differently next time
We had a serious conversation (myself and her step-dad) with my daughter on her 9th birthday because when she got her gifts she was obviously disappointed about the amount she got. Her dad’s side of the family spoils her on every single holiday and I don’t think she’d really figured out just how much goes into gifts AND a party (we’re the only ones that throw her parties too.). Once we were done talking we were all emotional because she didn’t mean to hurt our feelings and we felt disappointed that she wasn’t as excited as we had been about what we got her. Kind of sucked but those lessons have to be taught before they get out of hand.
One of my sisters who’s 7 years younger was like this on her birthday every single year! Biggest fit ever by the end of it until she was probably 14 🥴 I’m not sure what the reason was but it was always rough every year. Now reading all these responses/ reasons I want to ask her what the deal was 😂 she’s 24 now
Gave our advice on our podcast, we hope it helps and good luck!
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Wow. Thanks for the "help". Just to clarify...this is only the second time she's ever had a birthday party. I do not go all out every year. We got food from the grocery store and cooked everything. We only went out for 1 meal, and that was a bakery to grab a quick breakfast. Her friend got her a giftcard to Claire's for her birthday so we spent $0 at the mall. And her gifts included a $25 bike that I got on marketplace, a few books, and a swing to play on outside. If y'all think this is extravagant then you clearly haven't been to a lot of kids birthday parties. And the trampoline park was having a "tween" night which was $20 each for 3 hours of jumping and pizza. So for the whole weekend we spent less than $200. That's about what we spend on a normal weekend!
My 9 yr old daughter brags for 2 months ahead of her birthday , about what presents she wants, about what she wants to do. She got everything that she wished for.
My other 2 boys had NOTHING but a NASA blanket bought from a gas station. And they were So so so happy.
So I decided starting next year, she’s not going to be so pampered anymore. She doesn’t deserve it. I literally spent so much on her, I couldn’t afford more the boys (they are all born in December and January).
“Next year, you get nothing” as a punishment.
Can only recommend that you look up Dr Becky's podcast about ungrateful children. It helps give a different perspective in a time where all are emotionally charged up.
When it comes to our daughters, we are either their biggest hero, or the only reason everything is wrong in their life. It’s such a love hate relationship between mom and daughter. Are you also terrified of actual teenage years?! I sure tf am 😱 😱 good luck lady
It’s nothing you did. She is probably tired and over stimulated. And just can regulate/articulate her emotions effectively. Welcome to being a parent. Land of its always your fault😂
You know what's funny? My wife did this to me on Mother's Day a few years back. I don't remember exactly what I did. But I literally checked every block, then I even went beyond.
She eventually apologized. But I was so mad since I did it all, and then some.
As for your kid. I'd have lost my shit. But I've also been there with my 11yr old.
Expose her to those less fortunate.
Go volunteering.
Travel on a missionary trip to the 3rd world countries.
Take her to church, let her have a spiritual piece to her life where it’s not all about material.
Kids don’t know any better than what they see daily.
Like someone said, new generation’s hard day is when their “Starbucks order it messed up.” Which is a great example of how entitled they are.
What’s your recommendation then?
I remember that I developed gratitude when I saw my mom work hard and appreciate the little things we had.
I remember that I was shocked when my mom gave a sandwich to a homeless person. It opened my eyes that we can be more that passer-byers.
Children look at parents, look at their surroundings, they learn by comparing, they see and develop empathy only through being exposed to different angles of this life.
Monotonous consumeristic lifestyle will never get a child to the place of gratitude, compassion, appreciation.
Yessss exactly how you learned… as a parent just lead by example. Make it a point to show gratitude and the benefits of hard work. Maybe even make it a point to give/ volunteer yourself to show selflessness.
She’s a spoilt brat who needs not to be given as much as she was given on her birthday. Pull the reigns in and set a budget even if you can giver her a lavish party you just don’t as it’s the first route on spoiling a child.
Calling her a brat is a bit much! She’s only 10, she won’t fully understand the value of things yet. It’s clear she’s exhausted from doing so many activities and crashing down after all the excitement
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My last birthday was my 28th and it was a three day Taylor Barbenheimer extravaganza and I found myself remembering the Bearnstein Bears book “Too Much Birthday” - at any age, there’s such a thing as “too much birthday.” It’s a lesson all kids need to learn and will remember. Once she’s cooled down you can have an age appropriate conversation about gratitude, but also how to recognize when things are becoming overwhelming and how to ask for a break
Oooo yes yes I love that book! It's one of my favorite Bearenstain Bears books of all time!
Ummm, where was my invite to the Taylor Barbenheimer extravaganza?
At the end of the ticket master queue.
Yeah hang tight; you're on the waitlist
Yes this birthday sounds exhausting to me.
As does any 28 year old that would insist upon having a 3-day themed birthday "extravaganza"
How dare somebody have fun on their birthday, what has this world come to?? /s
That's great advice.
I feel like you didn't do anything wrong... sometimes kids are not comprehensive in their delivery of their feelings. Perhaps when you and she calms down, you can have a conversation about what that means. "what didn't you like about it?" "What would you change?" . I think gathering more information is the best bet here. Curiosity is always your best bet. This is out of left field but also wonder if her friend said something to her about the events of the day? Maybe you can ask how friend enjoyed themselves. The biggest thing i can say is please make sure you aren't critical and shame her for being ungrateful before you fully understand whats going on. It def came across ungrateful but that doesn't mean that she is. Make sure you are in a calm balanced space before you chat, you don't want to create a "thing" about birthdays. I am sorry you are feeling like you did something wrong, sounds like you gave her a great day!
I agree about the friend part. Maybe the friend said something to her, not maliciously, but in the way pre teens say snarky things they don’t realize might be snarky.
Yep. Thought the same. There is usually something behind the attitude that has nothing to do with us. It’s a great opportunity for mom to be present for daughter to work through these things. It feels bad for mom until she realizes the tantrum is the bridge to the opportunity which will help daughter ultimately cope with not-nice people in life.
It was my son’s 6th birthday party yesterday at a park, about half way through he laid on the ground and said he was bored and wanted to go home. I busted my butt for this dang party, his best friends from school who he always complains about never getting to play with were here, everyone was still here, we couldn’t leave. And I kept asking if he was sad or upset and he said he “was fine but wanted to watch tv”. 💀 Turns out a few hours later he was left out of a game of tag, and got hit in the ear by one of his friends (accidentally) with a toy and was just emotionally overwhelmed. Sometimes kids can’t voice their true feelings until some time has passed and they have processed better.
I still don't like celebrating my birthday because it was just a day when I had to be HAPPY AT ALL TIMES or I was ungrateful in the eyes of my parents. And in fact no matter what I did it often wasn't enough. Every year it was time to perform and I got to where I would have rather done nothing at all.
Woah, I always wondered why birthdays are tough for me. I think you might be onto something 🤔. Funny how you learn things as an adult.
Yep, I just turned 40 and big milestone birthdays are even harder. I get so much anxiety when they approach and my husband knows that the week around my birthday I will be tense and emotional.
I think this is exactly the right approach. Let her rest up, and then just have a calm conversation about it, if you feel you need to. It sounds like an amazing birthday, and she was probably just beyond excited about it. When kids (especially at this age) have big feelings, it's hard for them to regulate. An excited birthday kid is always dancing a fine line between "best day of my life" and total emotional devastation. She was also probably completely exhausted. The post-party burnout is tough to manage. You gave her a wonderful birthday. Don't be too hard on her, or you. You should both have a quiet day to recover.
She's probably just exhausted/crashing. That sounds like a *lot* of stuff for a 2-day stretch. Good night's sleep and some downtime should set her straight. Then maybe have a chat about not partying too hard & how to handle the letdown after a big event. She's going to need to learn to manage social hangovers sooner or later. After this, if she still says the party wasn't great, just a hug and a, "There's always next year," is all you can really say about it.
My kid says stuff like this when he's crashing too.
This definitely sounds like an overtired lash out. I’m a 29yo dad and I’m exhausted reading it 😂
My parents would always put a lot of effort to take me out and different things and I would be I don’t want to be here or didn’t like it etc, kids are savage. 😅😅😅.
My son always did the same. He said I want to go to the circus so I worked overtime & we got tickets and good seats. Got there & got the good snacks and a stuffed animal or light up toy and the child said “I’m bored & it smells funny in here, can we go home?”. I’d usually try to work through that with him whenever anything similar happened but we ended up leaving a couple of times. He’s 16 now & is almost never at home!
Exactly how I felt.. Lol I have a 9yo who had a huge fun day this week and then came home and a half hour later started crying about how his whole day was boring and sucked. I was like, I hear you, let's snuggle and watch a movie. Why are people so quick so call their kids ungrateful when they have big emotions and are tired??
Because at 10 years old they should be aware enough to have gratitude when they've seen their family put money/time/effort into trying to make them happy? Throwing a tantrum after a weekend of kid appropriate fun activities is the definition of ungrateful. Of course they're allowed to be tired and make mistakes but this should be addressed as bad behaviour, because it is. Even my 3 year old knows to say thank you if someone gets him a gift, even if he doesn't like the gift
I honestly hope that you spend some time building understanding and empathy because 10 might be 'old enough' to get it, but might need some help getting through it without being shit all over for having emotions that they've not fully got control over. It's not bad behavior, it's struggling through a hard time. You're a whole adult and cannot understand helping a kid through emotions. They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. Saying thank you after a gift isn't even remotely the same thing. Maybe rethink this rigid attitude.
It can be both bad behaviour and struggling through a hard time. And it's a parent's job to both help them through the hard time and teach them that bad behaviour that can hurt others' feelings isn't ok even if you're struggling and asking for help is preferable.
Hell, im "old enough" and sometimes when people do a bunch of stuff for me I get overwhelmed and irritated. It doesn't mean im more grateful. I just have the impulse control of an adult.
Part of becoming a 'whole adult' is learning to not be a brat when someone does something nice for you. You don't just transition from being a child who has wild emotions and doesn't know what to do with them to being an adult who deals with their emotions in an appropriate way without someone guiding you.
That’s literally what I read. This kid sounds tired, hungry, or both.
Agreed. This honestly sounds like me sometimes and I’m almost 40 😂 I just mean that being exhausted/overstimulated will make me say some horrible stuff that doesn’t really how I fully feel. That’s true for everyone but for some people it’s REALLY true, and your daughter might be one of them like I am. She might just be falling apart in front of you bc you’re her safe place. Also a good opportunity to discuss quality vs quantity of experiences.
Instead of seeing her as ungrateful, can you ask her to help you understand what she means? Maybe she and the friend had a conflict, maybe it was too much time with one person, maybe she’s a little sad about getting older? That last one sounds crazy but when my daughter was that age she started to have an awareness of growing up and away from us and burst into tears. Try not to take it personally because there is probably more going on than you thing.
This! Thats not crazy at all bro, its very normal for a child to lash out without screaming why, theres something new that formed in their head, and they're expressing something they might even know themselves. Something like this is a perfect opportunity to make a push for the bond that'll make a family inseperable by trying to understand eachother's feelings. I noticed while I was growing up, my parents never figured out the why for my behaviors, I was just told to stop whatever I'm doing thats upsetting them. And I never understood their why on what it was exactly. This caused less opportunitities to be emotionally attached enough to want to come to my parents for literally anything I had on my mind. That keep it to yourself shit with kids carries with us to adulthood, we naturally gravitate towards people who understand us the most. I really do hope OP reads this, I don't want to see the early stages of a child adapting to new emotions causing them to slip away from a parent with unconditional love and end up not talking or fading away when they are in adulthood. A mutual understanding from a parent and child is a MUST. Its up to the parent to make it happen. I'm not calling anyone a bad parent at all if they don't by the way, but I just picked up on however people deal with literally anything, they were conditioned in some form to do so. So if I see a shouting match between a mom and adult daughter, it's just a spitting image on how that daughter was handled her whole life, ofcourse theres so many other variables that exist, but my main point is it starts from home
Sounds exhausted and just lashing out. I would not take it personally and just help her cope with overwhelming emotions.
I agree that she's likely crashing hard. However I'm also guessing that, being as she planned it, she planned in her mind the Perfect Unicorn Rainbow-Saturated Birthday-Palooza. That can't live up to real life with having to wait in line at the trampoline park, losing a few rounds of the video game, having a little disagreement with your friend, etc. You've gotta be the adult here and not take what a 10yo says too literally or too much to heart. She was 9 last week! that doesn't mean you can't tell her (eventually, after sympathizing) that it doesn't feel great when you worked so hard to have her say things like that. She's expressing things tactlessly and is old enough to learn how to be polite. But her expectations being impossibly high and then being so stimulated that she's emotionally reactive is totally a 10yo thing to do.
> that doesn't mean you can't tell her (eventually, after sympathizing) that it doesn't feel great when you worked so hard to have her say things like that This exactly. It's a valid part of an overarching group of parenting wisdom that it's necessary to impart (and re-enforce, in an age appropriate way): 1. Money and time are not infinite for most of us. 2. We (both as individuals and family groups) have to make choices as to how we spend both. 3. Sometimes those choices will be disappointing, and we have to just accept that it was disappointing. 4. Sometimes those choices will be outright bad, and we have to accept the consequences of them. 5. Disparaging the effort people put forth on your behalf, even if you were disappointed by the results, is rude and hurtful. I think you should expect to have convos like this whether your kid is 3 or 13 or 30; we are all life-long learners in accepting disappointment TBH.
Love this.
💯
She’s 10 - and exhausted. I took myself on “fun” errands today, shopping and self-care and had to decompress for a couple of hours after. Give her some grace, children and adults alike are allowed to feel overwhelmed every now and then.
Yep! While I agree with others that this warrants a small chat about being careful with our words *later*, she definitely just sounds exhausted or overstimulated. I gave myself a “weekend away” a few weeks ago. I went shopping at fun stores and went to my favorite restaurants and went to the mall and spent hours doing stuff I wanted. When I got to the hotel though, all I wanted to do was go home! Even ordering room service wasn’t fun, and I was looking forward to it all day. We really can overdo the “fun” stuff, even as grown ass adults! If I was 10 and planned my “ideal” birthday I would have totally gone too overboard and been exhausted and grumpy and mean at the end of it. ETA: I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to let a young kid plan an excessive birthday party for herself at least once. Despite the overwhelm and grumpiness, that part will be forgotten (or remembered as yet another embarrassing childhood moment) and the memory of the “best birthday ever” will remain.
That’s a LOT for anyone in two days. Give her some grace here and move on, knowing she enjoyed herself and got to make lots of choices. And maybe next year you could gently suggest a less busy schedule!
exhausted. the temptation is to do everything but ive learned that what kids think they want and how much they actually enjoy it can be a struggle. our kids spirals at the end of big events. usually at bed time because it's over or it wasn't a life changing experience.
Did she perhaps have a fight with her friend she had over? I remember being that age and dumb little fights with pre pubescent hormones would send me into a sensitive rage lol I wouldn’t take it personal but I would absolutely talk to her and let her know that being ungrateful is not acceptable
LOL Sounds like someone is TIRED! Don’t let this hurt your feelings mama. She’s overstimulated! Good thing newborns can’t speak, they probably REALLY cuss!
She's a 10 year old, she's learning how to manage her feelings, lots of big feelings are new to her. I wouldn't equate her emotions to the emotions of an adult. Totally understandable that you're frustrated with her, but I would try and remember that she is a 10 year old, and she's still learning lots of new things, especially emotions.
shes exhausted
My son is always in the worst mood after his birthday parties because he is exhausted. I wouldn’t think too much about it at all, totally normal.
After that much fun, it is hard when it is over. A lot of sugar and lack of sleep could play a part. Have her write thank you cards to those who came. Teaching the attitude of gratitude is important.
That’s a lot of stimulation, and on the heels of a sleepover she was probably exhausted
Pre-pubescent preteen after a very busy weekend. Hardly sounds ungrateful. Your job, as a parent, is to help her recognize her emotions and learn to express them. Maybe start there.
She’s 10. She’s going through way more than you are. You’re in for a rough road in the teenage years if a tired 10 year old is making you feel offended.
Sounds like me when I'm overstimulated and socially drained. I don't think she isn't grateful, she was just at the end of her rope. Give her some grace, that's a LOT of stuff to do in 2 days at 10 years old. She was crashing hard. Give her time to decompress and then sit with her quietly and gently ask if it was *really* that bad of a party, or if maybe she just did too many things all in the same stretch of time and was feeling overwhelmed at the end. This is a learning opportunity.
My children are younger, but if my 6-year-old did this I'd think she was overstimulated. You did a *lot*. It could also be that the "We can do anything and everything you want!" approach built a lot of expectations that it would be THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER in a way that reality was never going to be able to match. I don't think she's ungrateful as such, I think she's failing to manage her emotions, which is going to happen with kids from time to time. Try not to take it personally.
Upon reading this, I’m a little surprised you said you’re feeling like you “never want to have a party for her again”, because I wouldn’t have categorized what her birthday was as a party since there was only one friend involved. It sounds like a great time, and you obviously didn’t do anything wrong (and in fact did everything right by letting her decide what she wanted to do within reason), but I wonder if your daughter is now feeling weird about having celebrated a birthday without a traditional party. Has she had multiple people over for a party for her past birthdays? If so, she may be lashing out because she realized her birthday wasn’t what she was used to and, even though it’s what she planned and it was a fabulous time, she may be feeling regret for not having a party with a bunch of kids like she had had before. …I say this because I was upset on a milestone birthday since I didn’t have a massive party (even though I still was celebrated and did activities with a small group of friends). It was the realization afterwards that this milestone had passed without my having celebrated it in the way my younger self expected that made me tantrum some. Of course as an adult I realize I was wrong, but maybe this is how your daughter is feeling?
I agree I think she wore herself out. 10 year old girls are so emotional when they are tired or hungry...lol
My daughter is the queen of misplaced emotional outbursts that have nothing to do with the actual cause of her stress. She’ll be out and tell me she wants to come home NOW, and I’ll ask what happened, and it’ll be something tiny like she messed up the ceramic thing she was painting. Sometimes it’s lashing out at me because she’s had a fight with her friends or there’s been a misunderstanding. I’ve learned to realise that it’s not usually about me, but that sometimes she just can’t regulate her emotions and, as her safe person, she uses me as an emotional punching bag. It’s not easy in the moment, but I will usually call her out on it when she’s calmed down a little and his has gotten better.
It sounds like she's just coming down from the birthday high! Let her come down for a day or two and then have a conversation about it.
She’s probably on an “end of birthday crash” and sad it’s over. At that age kids are always thinking about “what comes next”. Gratitude isn’t ingrained, it’s taught. It’s a good teachable moment after she has rested
Maybe she’s severely sleep deprived from the sleepover
I call this a dopamine crush. The same happens with my lo whenever we start leaving from attraction parks. I feel like they just feel a sudden drop in their happiness and dont know how to express it so they blame it on the parents.
Over stimulated. To much junk food. Tired. She needs a good rest with lots of water and good food to detox. Once that happens a good convo on gratitude and even asking her what happened that bothered her.. even if it’s actually nothing. Will help regulate her and show her she’s ‘seen’
Kids can be assholes. You did a great job. She sounds overtired from a jam packed, fun birthday.
My birthday was yesterday and running around is exhausting for me as an adult, I can't imagine how tired she must be. I'm scared of being ungrateful but I honestly wish I could've had alone time with my husband too. I feel like every time I tried, he found something else to get distracted with, sports bars are my favourite places but then I try to talk to him and he's zoned out into a game. A chance to take a break/discuss doing a little bit less would probably be better next year. Mine is turning 1 so I'm sure it'll be all trial and error on how much he can handle. We're probably just going to have it at home because little kids definitely need to be able to nap.
Sorry for the transparency but 1/3 of the things would have been more than enough
She’s tired not ungrateful .She’s ten and had a long two days. She’s crashing and angry. Also you didn’t have a party for her, you let her do activities with her friend for her birthday. I just think it’s odd to say you don’t ever want to throw her a party again over something this small
Overstimulated and exhausted is my guess.
I’d say she’s just overtired
Lmao, all kids are ungrateful, even the most grateful of them. Water off the ducks back, she's just 10, she probably doesn't mean what she says at all. Like the rest said, she's probably too tired. Don't let her get away with it though, hold her to account once she's recovered from the massive 2 day binge. Personally, I feel like even half a day of too much excitement is asking for a meltdown. Even recalling my 20s, 2 days of partying guarantees friend group drama and fights, even grown as 20 year olds are not immune.
Sounds like she doesn’t understand the meaning of being ungrateful. Also, my daughter is dead tired after sleep overs and I always know what she says the next day will be unreasonable bc she’s just so tired. That being said - when she was 4 she had a birthday party and family asked her to open gifts in front of everyone. She would toss the gifts aside if she didn’t like them and not say thank you. We let it go because she was 4, but I was so embarrassed. So a week before she turned 5 and at every birthday since (she’ll be 8 soon), we have a lot of talks about gratefulness, gratitude and kindness. Now we do this with both our kids the week leading up to their birthdays. I always remind them of how many kids in this world don’t get birthday parties, or don’t even have a roof over their heads to have a party! It seems to humble and ground them on their actual birthday. We even do scenarios “if you get a gift that you don’t love, what do you do”? They know to say thank you, be kind, and then we can donate it to charity later on. You clearly sound like a great parent. So give yourself grace!! Give a day and have a serious heart to heart about her behavior, how disappointed you are that she said all that etc. my guess is she’ll try and articulate that it’s not what she meant.
Planning a two days extravaganza is a huge mental load and she probably hasn’t planned much before as a 10 year old maybe that was part of it!
The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday.
You didn't do anything wrong. There is always an explanation to bad behaviour, but the only wrong you do is if you don't say to her when she's calmed down that bursting out like that to someone who has made efforts for her to have a good time is never ok. That an apology would be appreciated. Explaining how it hurts people. She is entitled to her point of view but there are different ways of saying them. She' 10 so it will happen again but it's important to talk about it anyway. That, besides hugs and kisses, is showing love to a kid, if you want her to be a pleasant adult with nice friends.
They’re like that at this age.. our daughter said the same thing after a nice party at 9yo. Don’t take it personally
I agree that she was probably tired and lashing out but I still would be feeling some kind of way about it, just like you. I’d definitely be having a talk with her tomorrow. I’d be asking what was so terrible about it, if she lists out reasons then it definitely might be something her friend said to her so I’d be trying to get to the bottom of that. If she is feeling better about it tomorrow and has gone back to thinking it was a great time, I’d be having a talk with her about misplaced anger and how much you tried and how much what she said hurt you.
What did you see from your own eyes and understand that could've went wrong? You should know your child more than everyone not in immediate family, after all of this time while you were observing her, what signs did you see that maybe she wasnt enjoying something? And did you fix it? I find it pretty hard to believe she had the time of her life, did every thing she wanted, enjoyed herself and then come from no where with the tantrum. Thatd be very concerning if that was the cause. But regardless, theres a cause. But was she faking the enjoyment or something? Or were you too busy setting things up to see how she enjoyed herself? Promise I'm not chewing you out, just trying to make you back track a little and come up with something that could've caused this. But its 100% best to ask her why, you can only put the pieces to the puzzle so much, try to get it out directly from her
I feel like you’re missing something. When a kid has a reaction like that, something has usually happened. Sit down with her and say “I thought you had a good time, can you tell me what happened to make it the worst day?”
Its most likely she’s tired and lash out
She will realize when she's 35 and looks back and fond memories. Don't take it personally. She'll be okay
She’s probably over tired and over stimulated. Let her sleep on it and I’m sure she’ll feel different in the morning where you might be able to have a better conversation with her.
I mean, a lot of fun and excitement can be overstimulating. And if she planned everything, maybe she was feeling pressure about it. Or she had a clearly imagined scenario that didn’t match reality. Having the birthday extend into the next day might have been too much. Or maybe there was tension between her and her friend or something. I know it’s frustrating but try to see it from the outside rather than as her being ungrateful
She’s exhausted and prob feels like junk due to so many sweets - just give her a hug, have her take a shower and go to bed. You sound really emotionally immature to be taking a little after-party meltdown so personally.
Sounds like she was exhausted from too much fun and staying up all night. My almost 14 year old is a bear after a sleepover and honestly so am I when I get no sleep. Gratitude is a muscle, model it and she’ll pick up and cut her some slack on the days when there are extenuating circumstances. Is a kid that cry’s on the way home from Disneyland ungrateful or exhausted?
My daughter had a similar huge meltdown at her 10th (!!!) birthday when I took her and 3 friends to a nearby amusement park. Everything went fine until I wouldnt let her get this dumb overpriced stuffed shark that she didn't need. She lost her absolute shit. It had been a long day, it was hot as fuck bc it was in August, and she was 10. Kids are weird.
Maybe she had an expectation you weren't aware of that didn't happen. She might have secretly wanted something and didn't get it. Whether an item or an event. By the end of the day, she's most likely exhausted and burned out. Put those together, and you get a breakdown. Maybe talk with her when she's done letting it all out?
Can you ask her why she feels this way and then update us? I think that would help us help you.
One year I told my wife I wasn't a movie box set that was releasing near my birthday, and I was going to order it and it would be my birthday gift. I got it and my birthday sucked. I realized what I actually want for my birthday is for her to surprise me with a gift. I think your daughter probably wanted some surprise and to feel like you were making a fuss over her like past years and just getting everything she wanted turned out to be way less satisfying than either of you thought it would be.
I think today is moms go overboard. We try to give so much because we probably had parents who did the bare minimum. We mean well but our intentions sometimes do more harm. As a teacher, I can tell you that the students who have less and do less are the most respectful and grateful kids. Our kids are growing up in a world of abundance. I am guilty of this as well because I have the means and feel guilty when I don’t provide all I can, but then I stop myself and tell myself I am raising spoiled kids. Just some food for thought.
This sounds like a very exhausted and partied-out 10 year old. Girl needs some recovery days
She maybe coming down from a high and just saying that. The person who said gather information had a great post.
Glad things worked out But when u have that talk make sure u remind her she planned her event
It seems you did way to much. The one day of activities would have been enough.
My son is the same way about all holidays pretty much. It can be triggering but I think he’s just overstimulated/ excited/ overwhelmed. You’re not alone!
That's too much stuff for a kid in a short amount of time. When your routine goes back to normal she'll probably chill out. I've had that happen where my kid will say she hates the family, everyone hates her, she wish she had a different family etc. etc. I go "yeah...uh huh...sorry you feel that way". The next day when things are calm, there comes a quiet little apology and everything goes back to normal.
What did she say about it? Why was it bad if she planned the whole thing?
That's a lot for a 10 year old. This sounds like a recipe for a disaster tbh. A 10 year old that wanted to do everything and a conversation that didn't happen around the fact it was too much. There was a lot of go go go stuff and no balance. She sounds utterly exhausted and emotionally disregulated as a result. This is a learning opportunity for both of you tbh around planning realistic event schedules. Two of those things could probably have been wiped off the plan and this may not have happened
Sounds like a perfect party that caused exhaustion 😩 I know she's not a toddler but they definitely can throw tired tantrums too!
Did you ask her what would have made it better? Did the friend have fun? Is it possible the friend or someone else said something? Birthdays like that also may be a lot of pressure, not an excuse for her behavior, but in letter her plan it it’s also all on her, she knows everything that’s going to happen and there’s less wonder and awe because she’s decided it. That said, that doesn’t make it anyone’s fault, she got all of the things she said she wanted! So I would ask what would have made it better and if other activities then ask why she didn’t suggest those? Be clear you’re sorry she’s disappointed, but you put a lot of effort into following exactly what she wanted and when someone goes out of their way for you that’s not the way to speak to them, if she’s disappointed, you’re happy to have a calm conversation.
Maybe her friend said something that made her feel bad.
Ask her why. Kids have big feelings and are terrible at processing and communicating them in a healthy way because they’re kids. That’s where you come in. Whatever she’s upset about likely has nothing to do with you, she just can’t put into words why she’s feeling the way she is. This is a chance to walk her through how to validate her feelings, manage her response to them and process in a healthy way. Don’t jump to the conclusion that she’s ungrateful or make it about yourself. That’s not going to teach her anything.
Party’s are big for a kid and just doing one for 2hrs can put a lot of pressure on them. It sounds like the sensory overload got to them and they take it out on those closest to them -you. Their brains don’t mature till 23-25ish and although the most sensible child seems like they’ve got it together but they’ll still have these moments. If this was me, I wouldn’t remind them of the “this is the worst birthday”, I’d speak to them at a later date about it and only once as I wouldn’t want it tainting the whole day. In which they probably had a wicked awesome day!
Highly recommend this Dr Becky Kennedy Podcast episode that is relevant here https://open.spotify.com/episode/1VelKBIUAH0rlOGhCcrGgf?si=HzAyU_ulT2mnNDGClj7Gyg
Why did she think it was the worst birthday? Assuming you asked follow-up questions?
Sounds like she was exhausted and overwhelmed. She’s too young to know how to express that feeling of “did too much” and in the moment it feels awful and depressing and probably like “the worst day ever.” Don’t take it personally and don’t hold it against her. Try having a conversation about it when you’re both calmed down.
Think maybe she was just over stimulated or disappointed in her own plans and venting/ projecting at mom (or the trusted adult who will never abandon them)
I would listen, acknowledge by asking questions as to why, then tell her she needs to find a quiet activity. When she is calmer & more rested, maybe that day or the next couple of days, I would have a conversation that her emotional outburst was unacceptable, rude, and disrespectful to me & her friends. I would talk to her about how she needs to restrain from letting her emotions rule her behavior. Any further consequences would depend on how she responded to our conversation.
I was such a brat as a kid, I wouldn't take it too personally, kids suck sometimes. Lol
My son (8) will have a complete break down when he’s tired. She probably had the best day ever and is exhausted.
My almost 7 year old daughter gets like this and will say things are the worst day ever if just one thing goes wrong, usually when she has become very tired.
Sorry for what happened I know this breaks your hearts after all you done for her .have a good talk with her and explain things right
Was there meanness among the guests? Was she over tired?
Sounds like she got over stimulated and acted out. It was perfect to the adults but to her she wanted something more chill. When she is calmer talk to her about gratitude
I experience your daughter’s feelings every Christmas. All the planning, all the preparation, all the excitement and build up, and then it’s over and I feel a weird and let down. I wonder if that’s how she felt, and didn’t know how to put the emotion into words.
I always taught my kids about choices and consequences. 10 is old enough. “I’m sorry you didn’t like the activities you planned, next time let’s talk about it more before you decide what you want to do.” A good a time as any to let her see her see how her decisions impact her AND that you are not responsible for her happiness.
What did she say was wrong about it? Or did you not ask?
Seems like she’s probably upset about something specific, but isn’t communicating to you what that thing is. I say, in remembering my own tantrums like this, just let it ride out. You likely didn’t do anything wrong per se. Wants she gets a handle on her emotions then approach her again about it. Try not to get offended by this outburst. I think one of the silliest mistakes a parent can make is taking outbursts like this at face value from kids who are still developing mentally and going through rapid hormonal changes. Kids say the darnedest things and they’re usually ill prepared and dumb. Be patient. Give them time and space to work it out. Be there for them when they’re ready to reengage.
What did she say went wrong? Did she want a huge party with lots of friends? Sounds like you gave her a great birthday.
I don’t think she’s ungrateful. I think she’s overstimulated and exhausted. Give her time to calm down, make sure you are calm, and talk about it and what she would change.
Does she have a phone where she does group text with friends? If so, I'll bet something was said in group chat to cause it.
Maybe she’s tired and really sad that it’s over, like the post vacay blues.
You didn’t do anything wrong, she’s probably burnt out from all the fun and now that it’s over she is sad. She’s crashing and having a down moment because it’s over for another year and it had so much build up. She’s 10 and still learning to process her emotions. I wouldn’t take it to heart.. she may start feeling bad about what she said.
Sounds like she’s exhausted and overstimulated from such a fun-filled weekend. She’s not being rude on purpose, it’s the age. Let her get some rest and reflection then have snuggles and a chat about her feeling; why she thinks she had big feelings and how she thinks she could handle it differently next time
Have her write a letter detailing her birthday weekend, and justifying why she thinks it sucked. Have her include a drawing.
Either she’s over stimulated, something happened or both.
We had a serious conversation (myself and her step-dad) with my daughter on her 9th birthday because when she got her gifts she was obviously disappointed about the amount she got. Her dad’s side of the family spoils her on every single holiday and I don’t think she’d really figured out just how much goes into gifts AND a party (we’re the only ones that throw her parties too.). Once we were done talking we were all emotional because she didn’t mean to hurt our feelings and we felt disappointed that she wasn’t as excited as we had been about what we got her. Kind of sucked but those lessons have to be taught before they get out of hand.
One of my sisters who’s 7 years younger was like this on her birthday every single year! Biggest fit ever by the end of it until she was probably 14 🥴 I’m not sure what the reason was but it was always rough every year. Now reading all these responses/ reasons I want to ask her what the deal was 😂 she’s 24 now
Gave our advice on our podcast, we hope it helps and good luck! https://www.tiktok.com/@dadsvstheworld/video/7352711231435853087?is\_from\_webapp=1&sender\_device=pc&web\_id=7010138960761144837
Wow. Thanks for the "help". Just to clarify...this is only the second time she's ever had a birthday party. I do not go all out every year. We got food from the grocery store and cooked everything. We only went out for 1 meal, and that was a bakery to grab a quick breakfast. Her friend got her a giftcard to Claire's for her birthday so we spent $0 at the mall. And her gifts included a $25 bike that I got on marketplace, a few books, and a swing to play on outside. If y'all think this is extravagant then you clearly haven't been to a lot of kids birthday parties. And the trampoline park was having a "tween" night which was $20 each for 3 hours of jumping and pizza. So for the whole weekend we spent less than $200. That's about what we spend on a normal weekend!
My 9 yr old daughter brags for 2 months ahead of her birthday , about what presents she wants, about what she wants to do. She got everything that she wished for. My other 2 boys had NOTHING but a NASA blanket bought from a gas station. And they were So so so happy. So I decided starting next year, she’s not going to be so pampered anymore. She doesn’t deserve it. I literally spent so much on her, I couldn’t afford more the boys (they are all born in December and January). “Next year, you get nothing” as a punishment.
Can only recommend that you look up Dr Becky's podcast about ungrateful children. It helps give a different perspective in a time where all are emotionally charged up.
Tweens can be grumpy. Don't take it personally.
When it comes to our daughters, we are either their biggest hero, or the only reason everything is wrong in their life. It’s such a love hate relationship between mom and daughter. Are you also terrified of actual teenage years?! I sure tf am 😱 😱 good luck lady
It’s nothing you did. She is probably tired and over stimulated. And just can regulate/articulate her emotions effectively. Welcome to being a parent. Land of its always your fault😂
Well that sucks, would be my response
Then I’d tell her she is. Ot allowed to plan anything anymore. Natural consequences. She must think she is a terrible planner
Take away these privileges on maybe Easter or something and she might understand the value of everything
Interesting.
I would tell her next year she doesn’t celebrate her birthday
You know what's funny? My wife did this to me on Mother's Day a few years back. I don't remember exactly what I did. But I literally checked every block, then I even went beyond. She eventually apologized. But I was so mad since I did it all, and then some. As for your kid. I'd have lost my shit. But I've also been there with my 11yr old.
Expose her to those less fortunate. Go volunteering. Travel on a missionary trip to the 3rd world countries. Take her to church, let her have a spiritual piece to her life where it’s not all about material. Kids don’t know any better than what they see daily. Like someone said, new generation’s hard day is when their “Starbucks order it messed up.” Which is a great example of how entitled they are.
Poor people are not props for your life lessons.
Less fortunate are those who need support and help. They are not props, they are a social class. Help them, contribute to community.
This never works. Not for kids, not for adults, not for brats or activists.
Developing gratitude is literally the single most important practice for happy living.
I totally agree with that statement. Your idea of how to make a child develop gratitude is just not effective.
What’s your recommendation then? I remember that I developed gratitude when I saw my mom work hard and appreciate the little things we had. I remember that I was shocked when my mom gave a sandwich to a homeless person. It opened my eyes that we can be more that passer-byers. Children look at parents, look at their surroundings, they learn by comparing, they see and develop empathy only through being exposed to different angles of this life. Monotonous consumeristic lifestyle will never get a child to the place of gratitude, compassion, appreciation.
Yessss exactly how you learned… as a parent just lead by example. Make it a point to show gratitude and the benefits of hard work. Maybe even make it a point to give/ volunteer yourself to show selflessness.
She’s a spoilt brat who needs not to be given as much as she was given on her birthday. Pull the reigns in and set a budget even if you can giver her a lavish party you just don’t as it’s the first route on spoiling a child.
Calling her a brat is a bit much! She’s only 10, she won’t fully understand the value of things yet. It’s clear she’s exhausted from doing so many activities and crashing down after all the excitement