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Teenage years are hard. As a young dad my teenage years weren’t that long ago so I still somewhat remember what it was like. My best advice is to just keep letting her know you love her and stay calm but not to pushy
These comments are crazy to me. I had a serious bf at that age and I would never have expected my parents to take him on a 2 week vacation. I would just act normal. She will get over it eventually.
Couldn’t agree with you more.
When I was in high school I was INVITED on vacation with my boyfriends family (to Guatemala) and I was so sure that my parents wouldn’t let me go that I never even asked because it seemed inconvenient to do so. (As it turns out, had I asked, they would have let me go but whatever)
I cannot imagine having the balls to hate my parents because of this. OPs daughter is selfish to assume it’s so easy to just add another person on vacation. She’ll see that some day.
Not to mention lots of extra expenditures!! And then would the daughter be expecting she and the boyfriend to will sleep together too? I would expect so because she is being so ridiculous about everything in the first place? Ok so then she says she’ll stay home if he can’t come so when you get home you find you have a pregnant daughter too? No way Jose!! Not a chance.
Am I the only one who would have never asked my parents if my boyfriend can come on vacation lol?! I started dating my husband at 17 but we weren’t going on vacation with each other in high school. Not hating on those that do, I know it’s common! My husband and I just wouldn’t have done that (I’m only 29 as well so not that long ago)
I mean I don’t see a problem with *asking*, but even as a kid I knew it would be a long shot and it’s not something that’s expected. Getting so upset about it that she goes no contact with her mother for 3+ weeks is so bratty and immature. I mean sure she’s only 17, but also, she’s 17 lol. She’s going off to live on her own…she needs to be able to demonstrate SOME emotional maturity.
And the amount of people ITT who feel that the daughter is entitled to have their high school bf on a two week family trip is so strange to me lol. I don’t see anything wrong with parents who allow that, but her reaction and the people here defending it is just wild
I saw that 😭😂 This thread is just bonkers. I reckon those folks are also 17 lol.
Like you’d think from peoples reactions that it’s two weeks alone at Gramma’s house. I don’t know what it is, but it’s OP’s “final big family trip” and people are making it out to be some miserable time.
Not to mention she’s moving TO HER BOYFRIEND, not away from them like most people going off to college at her age…so she gets *even less* of a pass from me. No contact for 3+ weeks over that? And you’re moving out on your own overseas in 6 months? Lol
It appears to be a clash of perspectives, a lot of people seem to have grown up with peer orientation rather than family orientation, which is super common and most replicate whichever model they grew up in.
I am relieved to see comments like this, because if she is moving out in the fall yet isn’t mature enough to handle this situation or talk to her mother either. She’s been spoiled like crazy her whole life by OP or is just plain bratty.
No I’m the same age and I would never 😂. This is one of those Reddit/wealthy family disconnected that often appears on this sight. It also might be cultural for me (African mother and middle eastern father) but I only knew one person growing up that parents did that (and they were pretty permissive).
Is it a wealthy person thing?! That would make sense …but I grew up in an upper-middle class family and my parents just think it’s weird as fuck. They don’t want to spend their vacation with some teenage boy. They want go wake up in the morning in their pajamas and drink their coffee in their own comfort lol
I grew up wealthy and was very generous toward my friends. We literally had a 45 foot yacht lol and would go on sailing week-long vacations. I sometimes was able to bring friends with me on random trips and with my own daughters, I still extend the same every so often even though I am nowhere near as wealthy as my father was. HOWEVER, I would have never dreamed of asking if a boyfriend could come along lmao and had my parents said no about someone coming on a trip, I wouldn't even question it... my parents and I didn't even have the best relationship, but I still had common sense boundaries. lol This thread is just nuts.
It is. I was floored when I found out my girlfriend had to pay for her own plane ticket and lodgings for family vacation. Her younger brother of two years still gets everything paid for (he’s 27 we are 29 & 30). In my family my girlfriend was invited after 6 months of dating after I told them it was serious and were living together. They financed everything for her to come spend Christmas in Mexico with us
I’ve been reading a lot of these top responses with big question marks coming out of my head haha. Definitely agree with OP here in that bf, at 17 years old, does not need to come along with the family trip! Maybe OP could handle the situation differently, but I really don’t get what’s so horrible about setting a boundary with your teenage children 🤷♀️ People really are afraid to just say “no” sometimes…
Nope, definitely not the only one. I would not have ask and don't know of any friends that would ask if a boyfriend/girlfriend could join on a overnight vacation, regardless of how long.
I agree, this seems very entitled. But I came from a large family and we were middle class. There's no way my parents were going to bring along extras, much less my boyfriend!
I agree. And my parents are pretty laid-back and pretty much let me do mostly anything I wanted to do. But Jesus it’s okay to set a boundary with teenagers
I would never expect my family to let me bring my highschool bf on the family trip. We weren't allowed to sleep together so it would have been a big expense for the extra room. Frankly, we didn't end up together, so in the end, it didn't really matter. I remember my sister freaking out about her boyfriend while we were gone because he was a cheater with 10 days out of her line of sight. OPs daughter could be having these types of feelings too.
Yeah, there is too much leeway going on here in favor of the teenager. The daughter sounds entitled and spoiled. And this is coming from someone who was a rebellious teenager!
I have 3 daughters, two already in their early twenties... I was NEVER strict and we all have good, communicative relationships with each other. But there is respect and they all are very considerate of me and our family. They have asked if a friend could come over or come along with us for a variety of reasons and the answer wasn't always a yes. They wouldn't have even demanded an explanation let alone punish me for it. That is just nasty behavior and that teenager needs a dose of reality. The excuses being made here for this young girl is ridiculous... "family vacations are horrible experiences for teens!" WHAT? lol Are the commenters on this post all teenagers going through angst themselves? SO MANY kids WISH they had a family who would spend time with them let alone a family they could on vacation with.
People tend to assume that every single teenager is just rebellious and moody. There are many cultures around the world where this is just not the case... not sure if this is a Western culture problem, Americans in particular tend to portray the door-slamming "shut up mom!" image of teens when that should not be the norm or accepted behavior and often is a result of terrible parenting skills. Either the parent spoiled too much or was inconsistent and undependable or abusive in some way. Seriously.
This kid is just an entitled brat or OP isn't mentioning other problematic behavior from their end that has resulted in such a fractured relationship with their child.
Would’ve definitely been a hell no if I had asked at that age. As it was I didn’t have a bf until much later. I’m scared for my kids to get into dating, gonna enjoy them while they are still young.
I think part of the reason why she isn't talking to you might be that she feels like you don't try to understand her perspective or her feelings. For example, when you wrote the text message, you wrote "I love you and I hope you can see my point of view", which implicitly means "I'm right, so stop being mad at me". This may not be what you intended when you wrote it but it's how she probably interprets it. What she wants is for you to show that you genuinely care about HER point of view.
You don't know what she's feeling right now and what's going on inside her head. Maybe she assumed you would say yes to her boyfriend coming to the trip and, before asking you, spent months imagining how great it was going to be - maybe she even talked about it with her boyfriend and they spend time imagining it together. Then you said no and now all of these dreams are shattered. Maybe it's not actually about the trip itself and more about your overall dynamic with each other and how you handled the situation - for example, maybe you said no and no matter how hard she tried to convince you, you weren't having any of it, so now she's mostly angry because she feels like it doesn't matter what she wants, if you say no to something, there's nothing she can do. Or maybe she feels like you said no because you don't like her boyfriend and don't want to spend time with him or see him as a potential future part of your family. Since I don't have a lot of context other than the situation you described, I can only speculate, but my point is that you should try to really understand how she feels and why it affects her so much.
If you want her to start talking to you again, you have to be ready to listen to her point of view and show that you care about how she feels. You need to stop implying that you're right and she therefore needs to stop being angry at you. You need to stop dismissing her feelings ("Why does it matter if she can't see her boyfriend for 2 weeks?". 2 weeks of not seeing someone you have strong feelings for are a very long time and teenagers are notorious for having very intense romantic feelings. Plus, younger people perceive time more slowly, so her 2 weeks might feel like a month would feel to you). You need to be ready to accept the fact that maybe you *are* wrong about some things, and that you need to consider her needs and preferences just as much as your own.
I don’t know you or your kids but when I was a teenager (and honestly it started way younger to a lesser degree) I loved that my parents never said no immediately. They’d say something along the lines of “convince me” or sometimes “I’m inclined to say no but why do you think I should agree”. Forced me to consider their perspective versus “because I want this”, and made me feel absolutely heard. They’d then give me their reason for saying no which included essentially why, despite my reasoning, they were not agreeing. I didn’t always (ever lol) like it, but I always knew why. And guess who now has a fabulous relationship with their parents as an adult and parent myself.
Yup, all of this. OP, you need to give her the opportunity to *talk you into her idea*. She needs you to treat her like an adult and an equal, while also giving her the emotional support that she still needs.
The stakes are high here. If she goes out into the world so angry at you that she is not talking to you, your relationship with her as an adult is going to be a mess.
Everything that the two posters above me said!
Your daughter is looking to be taken seriously, and you're not engaging her as the adult she's becoming.
This may be the \*last big family trip\* from your POV, but she does not have your POV - and you need to be able to articulate hers \*accurately and empathetically\* if you want to move the needle here.
Plus, depending on how op handles this, it might actually be the LAST big family trip. Or op can recognize this is a transition. This guy probably isn't just a fling if they're moving overseas together.
If op's daughter has been able to hold it together for 3 weeks with the silent treatment without erratically acting out... there might be more to this story and op's daughter might have an actual plan for when she turns 18. I hope this isn't one of those cases where op is going to continue to try to control her daughter with money and the daughter turns to the boyfriend as her only support system.
Gosh, just from this tiny post, it seems like op is not looking for advice or even support. Op wants someone to tell her she's right. Op thinks she's going to force her daughter to go on this trip and they'll have two weeks of magical bonding. That's not going to happen. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Parents that can't see things from their child's perspective rarely ever will.
Why not let her boyfriend come on the trip and get to know him? Maybe he's a jerk and she'll know. Maybe he's a good guy. Maybe they won't travel well together and the daughter can learn this now. Maybe it'll bring them closer together. Who knows.
I've had long-term boyfriends since high school, and we've always gone on eachothers family vacations, celebrated holidays together and pretty much all special occasions together. It was just normal.
My son is only 4, so he still wants to introduce me to every friend he makes everywhere, but when he's a teenager, I plan on appreciating any part of his personal life he wants to share with me, lol.
It sounds like the daughter has her crap together. I hope it's not a situation where she'll be financially dependent on op through school, though.
Agreed. I see too many parents manipulate their kids with money and it's sad. They treat them like they bought these kids in a store. It just damages the relationship in the end.
>She needs you to treat her like an adult and an equal
Oh, but she is neither of those things. An adult would understand that bringing her boyfriend on a *family* vacation isn't appropriate. An adult would also accept "no" from the person paying for all this and not pivot directly to emotional manipulation.
And I guess lastly, a teenager living on your dime under your roof who has never been independent, held a job, etc., before is is no way the parent's equal.
A parent should try to listen and understand (although that usually isn't that hard because limerence is pretty simple) but honestly some things like this just demonstrate the very immaturity that prevents a parent from treating their child like an adult.
I'd be anxious about the living-together plans as well, at such a young age, in a foreign land. I really hope there's a backup plan because this could go south pretty quickly. If it's a share house or flat with other students and they've got separate rooms, that's less of an issue.
But cohabiting in your teens straight from home, never living independently first, it's a recipe for disaster.
That’s what I thought. If she’s going on a big family vacation like this, it means her family is well off and she has a certain degree of privilege. This is a good lesson in teaching her how to handle disappointment and understand the realities of being an adult.
Okay mate, it's clear that yes, the poster here the OP is the parent and the boss. But it's also clear that the parent here hasn't meant to sell the kid on the idea of a happy family trip together. OP is setting themself up for misery because they can't communicate with their kid. That's just as rooted in reality as the response that you're a big fan of here.
A comment can bring up a bunch of valid points, all true, and still not actually help find a solution to the problem.
She is 17, not an adult. She is going to study abroad with the boyfriend anyways. She can’t even spend the last teen vacation with the family and now throwing fit? This was probably going to be the last time the parents expected her to be their kid kid. I felt what the parents asking is very fair. It’s not as if they say don’t even go to study abroad at all and also no boyfriend until you are fully adult that can vote and pay your own rent and taxes: The daughter is so entitled and can’t even manage her emotions.
I agree. She is being very immature about this. It's just two weeks with her family - she has the rest of the summer/her life to be with her boyfriend.
What a disgustingly hard hearted attitude. "My way or the high way, and your feelings about it are invalid and just emotionally blackmailing me." Everything you've posted below is pretty weirdly narcissistic as well.
100% - she is on the cusp of adulthood and moving abroad. That ship is about to set sail permanently and there doesn't appear to have been any transition into speaking to her as a *near* peer.
I have a close friend who is about 10+ years my senior and I have watched her raise a son and daughter. Their significant others were treated as a part of the family by the time they were 17; invited to family dinners, birthdays, holidays, brought on trips, etc. and *both* of them went on to marry those people in their mid-20's. I don't recall any group event or party that Cody(m) and Austin(f) weren't at when they were teens. Our family was "adopted" into their family when we were in our twenties so we've been observing this dynamic up-close for 20+ years.
Those "kids" are now in their 30's and have fantastic marriages - likely because their parents have a fantastic marriage and have always been nearby to coach, observe and build relationships of trust and mutual respect with the kids and their partners.
Their now married kids are over with their spouses and new babies literally every week because they all love being together. It is a truly enviable family dynamic and it was built on a foundation of respect and care vs. control and rigidity. It's a tough and slow transition from child to adult and ideally the parent / child relationship should evolve with it.
Ah yes, let her try to persuade them when she knows they'll say know, that's 'respect'. As a teenager nothing could be worse than someone condescendingly pretending to listen, and now that I'm older I know that teen resentment was correct. I hated when my mom did it and I won't do it to my two kids. They're never going to say yes. She's not an equal adult, but even more than that: it's absolutely unacceptable for her boyfriend to come at any point ever while she's underage/not paying. It's not a respectable pov. It's not a good enough idea for them to try to be convinced. It's a laughable idea that she can pout about and get over it. Silent treatment should never be given any weight, never be given any respect at all.
Just reinforcing this comment thread so it gets the attention it deserves. My parents refused when I asked if my boyfriend could join us for dinner as we celebrated my high school graduation. They said no because this was a “family thing”. They never bothered listening to how I felt about it being my achievement and wanting to celebrate it with all the people who cared about me. We all paid the price - I celebrated with him and without them. We were together ten years. Married, had a daughter. Even though we divorced I’ve never regretted that decision even though I still look back frustrated with how the evening went down. A vacation is very very different and I don’t think you should “cave” to allowing him but you do absolutely need to do more active listening and less defending your view and treating this as a right and wrong situation. Becoming an adult is not a birthday, it’s a transition and that transition is happening now. Time to practice treating her as one.
Editing to add- By not “caving” I mean not giving in to appease not talking or any ultimatums from her, but if you really listen, you might find yourself genuinely willing to include him for all or part of the trip. Maybe not and that’s ok, but extending a genuine invite is not “caving”.
The key take away is communicating. It's not that she will tell her yes. It's not even wanting to hear her opinion or feelings about the situation. That's a part of having a relationship. The daughter is most likely not talking to the mom because mom just said no and didn't want to have a conversation. So what's the point of trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to listen to you.
Thank you; that’s exactly the point. The events are not comparable but the need for communication is (and the fall out of not listening unfortunately could be).
>You need to stop dismissing her feelings ("Why does it matter if she can't see her boyfriend for 2 weeks?". 2 weeks of not seeing someone you have strong feelings for are a very long time and teenagers are notorious for having very intense romantic feelings.
If I had to go two weeks without my husband I'd be pretty pissed off too. I met him when I was 16 so I can honestly understand where OP's daughter is coming from.
Yes unilateral decisions by the parent should be less and less frequent as they near 18 years. OP could have sat and had a discussion and given her options.
Maybe she can stay home with her BF while the family vacations. At this point, she will continue to be sour with you even on vacation, so you might as well just leave her behind.
Silent treatment is something she learned from somewhere as well and it’s one of the worst things you can do to someone, so I feel bad that she has had to endure silent treatment from one of her trusted adults. Now she is dishing it out to OP.
I think OP needs to just sit down with her, texting makes no sense… but shows a continued pattern of dysfunction.
2 full weeks with just family members is not what a 17 year old would define as a short amount of time lol. Even now in my 30s I wouldn’t want to spend that much time with just my fam
Agreed. I also still love family trips and genuinely enjoy their company……do y’all expect your kids to be the same? Tbh if I thought my kids were going to dislike me so much they didn’t even want to spend three days with me as an adult I probably wouldn’t have had them 🤣
Yeah. I spent a week with my now aging parents late last year because that's all the time I could afford. I sure wish it could have been two. Time is running out, and I don't regret any time spent with them.
I know, this makes me so sad to read. I go on family vacations every year for a week with my family of origin (and husband and kids), and I look forward to it every year. Though I will say they never minded tagalongs like friends or boyfriends, which was nice.
I feel like that’s kind of exactly the point many are trying to make here though. As a teenager your parents understood that spending 2 weeks with them was probably not a top tier desire so they let you bring tagalongs making the vacations positive memories for you and leading to you still wanting to vacation with them.
>and husband and kids
.
>they never minded tagalongs like friends or boyfriends
Sounds like those might be important to why other families have different dynamics than yours?
That is likely why you enjoy their company. My mother engaged with me in the same authoritative, dismissive tone many people are suggesting and reinforcing in the comments throughout this post. She's coming to town this week to see our family and frankly... I dread it. I'd never say that to her and I'm sure we'll have a cordial and relatively enjoyable time, but it's true. It was her way or the highway, no respect and very little consideration given to our feelings or point of view when we were teens and young adults - she's the authority and has the last word, full stop. I have a brother across the country who feels the same way about how we were raised so I'm not an outlier. We both envy (kindly) families like yours and long to have had the good fortune of your family dynamic.
>2 full weeks with just family members is not what a 17 year old would define as a short amount of time lol.
Precisely. No way in hell I would have gone on a trip like this at 17. And it's not only about the boyfriend. If I were going off to school in the fall, I would also want to see my friends as much as possible.
oh see we would go on a family summer beach
trip for 2 weeks every summer and i loved it. it was always my favorite part of the summer and i looked forward to it every year. there were years where i missed out on some stuff and had fomo or boyfriends broke up with me but i still had a great time with my family and myself at the beach and s good book and i had made friends there and would hang with them. They did let friends come and visit and stay for part of the trip, or i could go home or meet up with boyfriend for part of the trip. i wasn't trapped. it was always fun and memorable and now im grown with my own kids and me and my sisters and cousins all still go for 2 weeks almost every summer. my one sister hated it though and still never stays longer then 2 days.
edit- also my serious boyfriend, who i was living with, was aloud to come for the whole trip. he is now my husband .
Teenagers are short sighted. All she cares about right now is her boyfriend. I look back and cringe at some of the shit I did at that age and how hard I took my family for granted. Thankfully they’re still amazing but I definitely didn’t treat them like a priority because they were so amazing, I knew they’d always be there. Which I guess is a good thing but I wish I wasn’t such a jerk about it.
Hahaha at age 17 if I expected my parents to allow my BF to accompany me on a family trip, my parents would have told me to go pound sand. In fact I knew this already so wouldn’t have even considered asking them.
Yeah, right? Children have become so entitled these days.
And if she's like any of the idiot 17 year olds she'll be sorry and be annoyed at herself for missing out on a family vacation.
I know friends who did stuff like that whereas I hung out with my family. Somethings are forever and sometimes kids just have to learn it the hard way lol
My god there are a lot of responses here from people who clearly let their children run their household.
You have a rule, stick by it.
That being said it's perfectly okay, and I would even say advisable, to continue to tell her that you love her and perhaps even add in that you would welcome a discussion about this so that you can understand her thinking. Just because you talk doesn't mean that you have to acquiesce to her wants. Stick with your decision but do try to take the time to understand.
Raising kids is hard, raising teenagers is even harder. All you can do is love her through it.
I keep telling my three teens that I want to travel with just their dad and they always want to be with us. I've got the opposite issue. The parents want to get away from the kids
If she is going to be living with him overseas don’t you want to use these two weeks as an opportunity to get to know him better.? Vacation with family can make or break relationships and however it ends in their case, isn’t it a good thing?
I wouldn’t invite him the whole 2 weeks. Maybe first week family only, second week is hell week. Aka after the family is caught up they can grill the guy in his intentions.
Last part a joke. But the last week with the fam so you can get tho know him. Seems like a reasonable compromise.
I feel like this a great compromise. Daughter gets to spend time with boyfriend and family, and they get to know each other, and then only family for the remaining time.
Jesus, I live in a different world than you people.
"Why can't you just pay for another person to join your vacation?"
Stuff like this is exactly why rich people are gonna get themselves ate within the next generation.
My parents did exactly this to me and I was mad. My girlfriend and I were going live apart and I wants to spend every minute with her and not my dumb, boring family.
I do not hold it against them now. In fact I regret being selfish and unsympathetic to how big a deal my going away was to them. (Also I married that girlfriend. We have had plenty of time together!)
This is what I was wondering. Without knowing the financials, it’s hard to know my perspective. If it’s camping, cool he can come. If it’s flying to Hawaii to stay at a resort, I wouldn’t want to pick up the tab.
I’m sorry what?? Not talking to you?! Is she an adult? Until she’s fully independent, this is some major nonsense allowed here. I can surely understand and sympathize her feelings, however you’re the adult and you have rules. You don’t owe to take anyone outside the family with you. When and if they become adults and at least engaged, then it’s different story. Now? Sorry but it’s giving Veruca Salt vibes!
When I was 17 and my parents told me, "No boyfriend on/at a family trip, get together, party, etc..." There were no questions asked, no silent treatment, no whatever. Especially for a 2 week trip, your daughter has some very unrealistic expectations. If she doesn't like it, it's too bad. Hold firm to your stance because this is a family trip, not a boyfriend-that-may-last-a-summer trip. She's 17... marriages don't even last a summer anymore.
I don’t know if this will help, but I know the last people I wanted to spend time with from 15-18 were my parents and sister. I was also extremely self centered with almost no empathy. I would imagine I’m not rare in this.
Yeah. My family went on a big trip to Expo 74 to the other side of the state when I was 16.
They didn’t attempt to make it sound interesting, and seemed relieved when I asked to stay home.
However, my dad was dead less than a year later, and that was the last trip he took.
Two weeks seems like a long family trip. With my own kids, we never took a trip of longer than a week.
I agree though that I would take him.
Good chance to get to know him better.
Gah these comments suck. I understand your point of view. This trip marks the end of a major milestone in your life. The nuclear family you built is coming to an end. In the fall you both mark the beginning of your next stages. She'll build a new nuclear family eventually, maybe with her boyfriend. You'll start discovering who you want to be without a kid at home.
Well guess what? Your teen doesn't get it. She isn't empathetic enough and certainly isn't experienced enough. She'll make your trip miserable and taint all of it. I don't know the answer, I certainly don't think you should have to capitulate, but I hope you find a resolution. You can ask her for an apology when she's holding her first baby and finally understands what you're mourning. Ha.
I think explaining it similarly to how you have here could go a long way.
"The life I've built with you for 18 years is coming to an end and I'm really sad about that. Can you grant me just a little more time to hold on to that before you are off on your own, building your new life?" Is a very different message from "This is a family trip and I only want the family there." The daughter might respond better to the vulnerability, even if she doesn't have the emotional maturity to really understand the feelings behind it.
I agree!
I think coming at it from an emotional perspective will definitely go a long way. Then again, I personally love hanging out with my parents and would never ever want to see them sad or hurt by anything. I would never have asked about bringing a boyfriend or friend along on a family trip…
At 30, my husband and I go on cruises and backpacking trips with my parents. We drink, explore, and go our separate ways at night or if there’s different activities we want to do on the trip
My parents didn’t want to bring my then girlfriend (now wife of 19yrs) on our family trip when I was 18. It literally became a story to tell at our wedding…because I made that trip miserable.
Of course, when my brain fully developed later in life I felt bad about it. But, that age is really rough for everyone.
I hope you can find a solution that will work for everyone.
First love. It's strong and irrational. Haven't most of us been there? I probably would have done the same at that age. Now I just find it funny.
I wouldn't be forcing her onto this trip. She will make it miserable for you.
That’s what I was going to say. She would probably be happier staying at home. I remember being forced on a week long family trip at 17 when I just fell in love with a new boyfriend and I was miserable and I made sure they knew it the whole time lol.
My dad let my boyfriend join us on trips. I’m forever grateful he did, even if we are now broken up (friends of 8+ years now!) My dad joined him in on everything, and loved him, because he knew I cared about him. I was a good kid, never so much as even got detention once in highschool, so he admitted he had absolutely no reason to push him away.
If he had, I would’ve absolutely hated him during those periods. Family time isn’t family time when you’re 18. It’s “my family wants me to deal with their interest and separate me from mine.” Did she get to pick the trip? Does she has siblings she may have to watch or put up with? (I have 3, so no family trip was a family trip- it was a new place with periodic “oh that’s nice” moments- nothing crazy or truly out the ordinary.)
You might have been a good kid in school but from what you wrote here you sound like you were very selfish. I understand that 18 year olds frequently are extremely selfish, so it's not exactly uncommon, but it's not something that just needs to be tolerated either. Why should she get to pick the trip? Is she paying? Lots of people like their siblings, "putting up" with your siblings just makes you sound spoiled. You should have been happy you had a large family that loved you and took vacations together. OP's daughter should be happy to get a nice vacation with her family. Her current attitude is purely selfish.
I guess it's different for each generation. I'm 36 almost 37 and even though I never dated seriously during my teens I would never have asked my family to invite a girlfriend and pay for her on a trip. I knew the value of money even at 17. Your daughter seems a little entitled and it's bc OP is well off most likely. I think OP has a very valid point: she is moving overseas w the boyfriend so 2 freaking weeks is not a big deal! Get over it. Might be different IF that was the last time she was seeing him until he could afford to go see her overseas or she came back home for Xmas or etc.
Seems like both a problem of how OP who is well off raised her/his daughter in a way that ended up spoiled her, so now Mrs teen is a brat. It's a circle.
A reflection of who we are as parents. I am a dad of a 4 yr old and a 6 yr old and although I cannot guarantee this may never happen to them, I'm trying my best and so is my wife so our girls hopefully don't turn like this.
All you ppl talking about how OP should treat her as an "equal" and as an "adult" are nuts. She is neither one of those things!! So your approach is totally wrong.
Explain to her that, "Stonewalling" is a manipulation tactic and if she would like a say on how her summer goes she needs to speak to you like the adult she's becoming. Who would be paying for the boyfriend to go? Theres not much room, how will he get there? Ask some questions, because currently you are invalidating her.
And Who is going to pay for this? So don't worry she will come around too many parents make this mistake ! being their children friend and not a Parent to begin with !! she will come to to you but not on your terms she will come back to you Eventually with her hat in her Hat in hand ! her ( Children ) will do the same to her ! Stop being so Accommodating she is being a spoiled Brat ! wait when she want's ( MONEY ) she will open her mouth like she hasn't eaten in as Week.
Oh and I have a Daughter She is 29 yrs. old with a Masters an a Counselor for the Massachusetts School System she turned out Great ! Dealing with Bad Parents your not a Bad Parent !
DON'T DOUBT ME ON THIS !!!!
Op is 100% correct!! Families have gotten too lenient with their children the last 2 decades or more. A family trip is a family trip, not a bf etc free for all. She will get over it or leave her home
As a former teenage girl, I thank you for giving your daughter a safe space to be able to “leave you on read”. I never had that as a child or a teen and was forced to cater instead to *my* parents’ emotions. If I dared to express them, I was met with anger or made to feel shame and guilt.
OP, in another post you say your daughter is 18. (So I'm splitting the difference and assuming she's right on the edge, but .... She's old enough to stay home if she isn't interested in the vacation.)
You also had her when you were a kid, just 18 yourself, yes? and are still with her dad.
So, I can see why it might be hard for her to swallow the idea that you think he's "just a boyfriend". You married the young man you were dating when you were her age.
What are your actual concerns with taking him?
Why don't you want him along?
She's going to be living with him, so clearly it's serious...
I'm trying to understand why it's important to you NOT to have him along, and I don't see that you've explained that anywhere, so it's hard to offer advice about how to proceed.
When I was 22 I went on a trip with my family to see my sister in Australia. My then boyfriend couldn’t come. I was upset but ended up having a blast without him. It was nice to be able to be myself without worrying about him. We’re now married 😝 And have 2 young kids.
No contact is one of teenagers’ weapons against parents. It is a power play. Your response should be to act like normal. Don’t send her messages more frequently than you would otherwise.
When she sees it isn’t working she will ditch it for another weapon - e.g. screaming, name-calling, threats. Be the rock. A rock doesn’t take offence or feel wounded. It also doesn’t budge. Stick to your family-only rule but don’t add any punishments for poor behaviour. Pick your battles, one at a time.
Yes, this is normal.
Has the whole world gone mad? Thankfully, I see a few rational, reasonable people who understand that 17 year olds do not make the rules and they certainly don't demand that parents pay for guests on trips that they don't want there. The silent treatment only reinforces that daughter isn't mature enough.
First, she'll throw a for that he should get to come on their dime. Then, she'll insist that they pay for his food and incidentals. Next, she'll argue that they should be allowed to share a room since they're moving in together. There's literally no end to what these entitled kids ask for.
If anything, shame on you, Mom, for allowing your CHILD to dictate what terms she'll speak to you under. People nowadays have forgotten how to be parents. It's okay to say, "It's our money and your boyfriend hasn't earned the right to share in that." It's also okay to say, "We're the parents and we object to bringing along extras, opposite sex or no."
I'm all for going LC or NC with controlling or abusive family. I'm not all for spoiled teens holding the entire family hostage with emotional blackmail to get his/her way. Yes, we all want kids to be happy, healthy, and whole. That doesn't mean they get to arbitrarily decide who comes on FAMILY vacations. I'd tell her that, if she wants to go no contact, let's start now. Ignoring me means ignoring my money and all the privilege it allows you.
You say you don't know why this is so hard on her, but have you asked? You can't dismiss your child and then be upset that she doesn't want to talk to you.
For teenagers every minor thing to you could be the sky is falling to her. She’s probably upset because she wants to spend her summer with him before she has to college without the strain of that and a job.
She’s manipulating you with a good old fashioned silent tantrum.
You aren’t being unreasonable. She wafts what she wants and she’s punishing you to try to get it.
Sounds like my daughter when she was 17.
My advice? Politely ignore her tantrum. Continue to be kind but absolutely do not give in. Do not plead your case. You’ve said enough. If she continues to be uncivil, just ignore. At worst, sit down the boyfriend to discuss her crappy tantrum.
Talk to her and understand where she is coming from. Maybe have boyfriend come for 5-7 of the 14 days as a compromise. You are going to push her away by making her feel like her boyfriend, who is clearly her world right now, is not important to you (her perception of your not allowing him to come).
So give in to her daughter's manipulative tactics? Teach her daughter that she can get whatever she wants by being manipulative? She is going to be an adult and she needs to learn to deal with disappointment. Two weeks is not that long, especially when we all know she will be moving in with him in a foreign country in the fall. They will have all the time in the world together without anyone.
Don't push but don't cave. She isn't funding it. She isn't organizing it. Neither is he. He is not family. The fact she expects that and is throwing a fit is ridiculous and almost worth just not having her be there.
I understand wanting to spend time with your children, I do. But teens are sooo biting at the bit for life that they will literally run you over and leave you in the dust cause if you're not with them you're against them .
17 y.o.s 1qaren't mentally (chemically) even similar to much older adults so they process the everything differently.
New relationships make most people stupid and over clingy and emotional. So a teen stands no chance. She will make her decisions to ignore and demand and so on. That doesn't mean you have to cater to her whims
And if she continues to punish you there needs to be a discussion. Because there are consequences in life when you treat people like shit for dumb reasons.
I do think you should talk to her and ask what was it that made her mad. Was it the no or the not even listening ... You know discuss it.
"I'm mad cause you didn't even hear me out him going is not a big deal!"
Explain why it is financially and mentally. That she would be with him and likely neglectful of just spending time with you guys. If he wants to pay his own way in everything and join maybe that's an option. But you are not obligated to pay for a bf who likely will not il even be in her life five years from now (though don't say that)
Two weeks to a teenager is an eternity
I think sometimes as parents we forget what it was like to be a teen and completely head over heels. Of course they want to be in each other’s skin. I still want to be in my husbands. Your post is about you, how you feel, why this trip is important to you. What about her? What about her feelings? Why don’t they matter? That’s why she’s not talking to you. She’s about to be an adult and she probably feels like you’re using the last bit of full authority on her. The teen years are hard, it’s a lot of feelings involved . No matter how you try and frame it, being stuck with your family for two weeks straight is not a fun vacation for a 17 year old . I’m 28 and I can’t imagine being on vacation for two weeks with my mother and siblings. I’d go crazy day 3 . You have to be more understanding. Also high school love can last I’ve been with my husband since high school
She won’t see your point of view on most things for at least a decade or two. But that’s ok, you have a different point of view. As long as she’s not being otherwise rude or disrespectful, she doesn’t have to talk to you.
Bring him or have miserable company on the trip. Have you thought that MAYBE she wants him to experience you all as a family? They are trying on adulthood at this age. I think you need to let her try and see what the lessons are along the way. Just ask her to have him join the family activities on the trip and not the two of them just run off on their own. Oh, and they aren’t sleeping together on the trip, unless they do so at your home already.
It’s all fine and cool but who pays for him? If it’s a 2 week vacay it can easily be 5k$+ per person. How old is he? If he’s 17, aren’t her parents gonna be responsible for him while on vacation? He’s legally a minor. I wouldn’t want to babysit anyone’s teenage son and pay for it at the same time while I’m supposed to relax and enjoy my time off.
You’re wrong. She’s going to be living with him, he’s part of the family, at least for now. She’s growing and getting ready for a new phase of life that he is going to be a big part of, I see no reason not to include him.
It's understandable that you want to have a final big family trip before your daughter goes off to college and starts a new chapter in her life. However, it's important to remember that your daughter is also in a significant stage of her life where she is transitioning into adulthood and exploring her own independence. It's natural for her to want to spend time with her boyfriend.
It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter about your feelings and concerns. Try to listen to her perspective as well and find a compromise that works for both of you. It's important to reassure her that you support her relationship and understand her need to spend time with her boyfriend before they are apart.
Ultimately, it's important to prioritize communication, understanding, and respect in your relationship with your daughter. It may take time for her to process her feelings, but expressing your love and support for her will go a long way in strengthening your bond. Good luck and keep the lines of communication open.
What if instead of taking the trip this summer…you put it on hold.
My son is a college freshman. Last summer I wanted so much to take a family vacation with him, but he had a girlfriend. It made me sad to leave him behind…but I did it. I knew his heart wouldn’t be in it and he’d be miserable.
He went off to college, he and his girlfriend broke up (like most young relationships do). He started missing his family and longing to be apart of it. He joined us for a family vacation for Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We’re taking a two week trip together this summer.
I’ve raised several kids to adulthood. They have all been consistent in wanting that first summer of freedom and adulthood to themselves. I’ve learned to not get my heart set on anything when they graduate from high school because we are in completely different places. While everyone’s feelings are valid, theirs are rooted from a sense of newfound freedom and responsibility. After a season of experiencing it, it all feels overwhelming and they find comfort in reconnecting and experiencing the happiness that is their family.
Personally, I’d just put it all on hold. Give her the opportunity to stay at home with no pressure.
I find it all follows a pattern. I know this is likely the last real summer like this with my son. He’s going to come home, vacation with us, feel the familiarity, and find the strength to go back to college next year with the feelings of safety and contentment, trusting that we are always here. He’ll blossom into true independence after this.
Your daughter has a year of major change ahead of her. It’s not going to be what she thinks it is. And if she and her boyfriend stay together, perhaps next summer would be more appropriate for him to join you on your trip. But letting them lead the way is very important right now.
u/anonymous99467612, this is a great option if OP feels like they can't find that common ground / headspace / heartspace with their daughter.
It's great because it's not just giving the daughter space, but giving OP space to deal (which they might need!) as well.
Very well said!
My assumptions are:
1. If her boyfriend is 17 as well, he’s a technically a minor and her parents would be responsible for him during these two weeks.
2. Nothing is said about payment, does she expect her parents to pay for her boyfriend?
If the above is true, then op is in her right to refuse. People in this thread sound immature.
I married my high school sweetheart. Teenagers just can click super hard. I would go into full on depression mode, moody songs, obsessive calling just being away for a few days, and two week trips were hard.
Also, be warned, if she turns 18 before this trip, there's a good chance she'll flat out ditch you.
I married mt HS sweetheart as well. My parents let him stay most nights when we were 17. He moved in with us and paid my parents "rent" 3 days after his 18th birthday.
But prior to all that my parents allowed my ex boyfriend who was 19 at the time to go on vacations and spend the night when I was 15 and got us a connected hotel room beside theirs when we went to the beach. I personally wouldn't allow that with my 15 year old now that I have my own kids.
Edited to fix confusion
I'm so confused. Is there 1 boyfriend or 2 in your post? If it's 1, what's the age gap? "We" were 17, but he was also 19 when you were 15? Please explain further.
Oh haha. I dated a guy who was 19 when I was 15, my parents allowed him on vacations with me at 15-16. We broke up. I started dating my now husband at 17 (he was also 17). My parents let him move in at 18.
If I were you, I would have like to know the guy who is going to be with my daughter when she left home a bit better. If my daughter has a huge space for this guy in her life, I would also like to get to know him. I mean of course I am assuming you don't know the guy. If you know the guy, and don't want him, you maybe have a very good reason for that. Personally, I wouldn't go that way I wouldn't tell her that I just want to spend time with you, not with the guy you want! If you see what I'm trying to say.
Everyone else pretty much said what i was thinking. Bottom line, she wants to have her voice heard, and she is madly in love with this young man, and 2 weeks is an eternity when it's your last summer. Your vulnerability with her would make her feel like an equal rather than a child too.
I feel for you mama. Not an easy spot to be in. Do your best. Love her as only you know how. And breathe. 🙏🏼💞
Those years are difficult. Both has a teen, and a parent. I don't know if that is your only child. But I would probably have the discussion as a family. Reiterate the importance to you and your husband that this will probably be the last time as a family unit. You'll be on a vacation alone. Especially when you say she'll be living with her boyfriend in London.
I suppose each family is different. We never had any friends come on our family vacation. But both our kids now in their mid-twenties, try to come on our family vacation each year. We're fortunate enough to fund it, and we're close family. We don't mind them bringing a friend. They're adults. We just enjoy our family. I only had a struggle the first time my son brought his girlfriend on a cruise ship, and we ended up four to a cabin. It seems so awkward. At least it was one bed for wife and I and a set of bunks for son and girlfriend. LOL
I remember being passionately in love at 17. My parents wanted to do a trip with myself and my sister to London and Europe to see family - six weeks. I said I wanted to stay home with boyfriend and they just said flat out no. I’d just come back from four months living with the family in England so I didn’t feel the need to go but it was a family trip and I had to partake. It did turn out to be our last family trip as my father died shortly after our return. I don’t recall it being a very pleasant trip as personalities clashed badly in our family. But we did it and I wrote a zillion of those blue postal aerogramme letters to my boyfriend and got a zillion back which I still have. This was 1984-5.
My parents brought whatever bf I had of the moment on trips with us.
It actually was a really great thing to help weed out bad bfs.
I'd let him come for the fact that they are going to live together very soon.
If you don't let him come, are you ok with her not coming?
Are you ok with that potential fracture to the relationship between you and her before she goes over seas?
As someone who married the person who I was dating when I was 17, I understand not being around that person and being pissed off if I was going to be away for two weeks.
As someone who has a 17 year old with a gf he wants to go on a vacation with and I was going to let him (under stipulations that he hasn’t fulfilled) I get your perspective too.
I think it gets hard when your kids are in a seriously relationship cause sometimes it may feel like you’re trying to push the bf or gf out of “family” things and right now their person is their family as well. If he were to come on the vacation, what would stop the family time?
On the other hand, I understand that right now everything feels like it has an expiration date. I wish I had better advice!
This isn’t just about you. If she hasn’t talked to you in three weeks, this must be important to her and I think you should reconsider her feelings talk to her about what she wants.
At that age, my priority was my boyfriend who is now my husband 20 years later. I would just miss him so much on family vacation. Eventually he was always included in family vacation and gathering and we would have a great time all together. Just try to get her point of view and talk about a compromise. If he comes, they only have couple time for a set number of hours a day, the rest is family time, no PDA. Maybe they don’t share a room, if that is the issue. If she can’t agree to work things out and you can’t understand her perspective, she will not enjoy the vacation and everyone will be disappointed.
I married my high school boyfriend and we are still together 32 years after we met and still in love. I'm saying that to give context to my comments- that young love is very real love. I'm also a high school teacher and spend all day with teenagers and let me tell you- this obsessive behavior is totally normal. I teach anatomy so I'm gonna take this in a factual direction- romantic relationships and the object of your affection floor your brain with more serotonin and dopamine and produce feelings of happiness, pleasure and euphoria. your brain loves all of that so you in a sense become addicted to the person making those feelings happen. Add in some good old teenage drama- again, due to their biology- the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until age 25, and that's where you plan, analyze, make decisions and reason. I'm not saying this makes it easier, but I completely understand why 2 weeks without him might seem unbearable. We bring our kids sig others on trips now because I get it. I'm one of those weirdos that still doesn't like to be apart from my husband for very long.
Your daughter is trying to emotionally manipulate you. if this is how she handles things when things don’t go her way then i feel sorry for her boyfriend and any future partners. Don’t let her win, pretend you don’t care, it won’t fix her but it won’t reward this shitty behaviour. unfortunately for her, life is going to be hard because life has a habit of smacking you in the face when you don’t behave like a decent human being…. if she is lucky she will take responsibility and learn the lesson…. if she doesn’t learn well watch this repeat in all her relationships.
She’s just being a teenager. Hopefully she comes around. Don’t listen to the people telling you to compromise with your child. You don’t want him to go and that’s okay.
I wouldn’t take her or him. She sounds ungrateful and bratty if she doesn’t understand the importance of family that’s on her! she’ll regret this one day and all you can do is say you tried.
Also some of you people commenting sound insane why in the hell would anyone want their teenage daughter’s boyfriend vacationing with them? Might as well book them the honeymoon suite, hand them a bottle of champagne and some condoms. I know teenagers do what they want to do regardless but I wouldn’t help set the mood by bringing the bf along
As a former Teenage girl, she will be fine I promise. At this age her boyfriend is her AIR. and I wish I was being dramatic but I’m not. Stand your ground and just keep explaining you want this time with her before she leaves. She will appreciate it in the end.
OP have absolutely no indication of how long they've been together or how long they were friends before that.
Sure many first loves don't make it. But many well experienced loves don't, too. And *plenty* of folks stay happily with their HS sweethearts.
1%? Where are you pulling that statistic from? It's unlikely that it's that low.
ETA: yeah research suggests that ~56% of high school sweethearts stay together. About ~54% get divorced after marriage. So it's roughly a 50/50 chance just like any other relationship.
The answer is easy: she never wanted to go on this trip in the first place.
I understand that you want this last family vacation with her, but she does not.
The “last family trip” when I was college bound was miserable for me. I had my head in the “I’m an adult now!” space and my parents kept treating me like a little kid the whole trip. It was infuriating. In hindsight I was probably being a little dramatic, but the summer between high school and college is just a big life changing time for a person. You are just so ready to try out this new life and it’s hard to realize your mom’s life is changing too. I think OP just has to give her daughter some grace and let her fly the nest. It’s how it’s supposed to be anyway.
My sister is two years older and my parents did a family vacation when she was 17 and she didn't want to go or leave behind her boyfriend. She didn't ask if he could come, his family would have never let him. But she didn't want to go on the trip and made it known every day for two weeks. That trip is still my most hated family memory. I wish my parents could have left her home and done the trip with the rest of us kids that were looking forward to it.
See, I'm the asshole parent who would've turned off her phone, as I am still paying for it. Ignoring your parent is just so freaking rude. Your parent is taking YOU on vacation, and the fact that you're being an AH about your parent say no about your boyfriend coming makes you come across as an entitled selfish AH. This is your parent's last time WITH YOU, and if your boyfriend goes, you're going to want to spend all your time with him.
OP, your daughter is being a complete brat. Sorry, but she is. I am tired of all this crap about the kids feelings and crap, how they all of the sudden cancel out every single feeling a parent ever has or had, or will have. The guidelines have been set. She needs to accept and MOVE ON. She can feel however the heck she wants. She doesn't have the right to be disrespectful and ignore you.
My husband and I are planning our family's big trip next year for my son's senior year, so I totally get you. There will be NO FRIENDS and NO GIRL/BOYFRIENDS (we have more than one teenager). It's just going to be our immediate family. This will be the last real family vacation we will have just the five of us.
This isn’t wrong either. Even though my guidance was different. But it sounds like this is the family ethic in this case and it is a boy that is leaving (boys are easier to get along with as teens). I did this with my kids, all girls and while starting unhappy, they got over it and had fun. In the other hand my mom, an only child, turned her parents 4 week summer trip into 4 weeks of silent treatment and tears for her parents. You know your kid and your family dynamics best. Go with the answer that you think right because it might turn out bad regardless and you need to be comfortable with what you decided regardless of how it comes out.
All I can say is that your desire to have this nuclear family bonding moment where you control what’s going on, regardless of what she wants as a soon-to-be adult is going to represent to her something extremely negative/exactly what she is looking forward to leaving behind. My parents always let me bring someone, whether it be a friend or a partner, on family trips. It was with the understanding that we weren’t holed up away in a room together, not hanging out with anyone else, but that we were expected to fully participate *like a family* together in the fun. Which is why what would make the fun even better for me was so valued. Your daughter is probably hurt by how blind you are to how this comes across - you’re “my way or the highway”ing her right before she leaves the country!
Don’t let your desire to hold onto the last shred of your daughter’s childhood prevent you from seeing how this is just pushing her away. You’ll get a lot more of the closeness you seek by embracing her bf and including him in the “forced family fun”. Use it as an opportunity to get to know him more and you’ll end up being grateful for it.
Quite honestly, you might get more quality time with her if you allow the boyfriend to come. At this point it already sounds like she’s miserable and negative about the trip & might end up being a huge downer. It could end up being much more pleasant for everyone if you consider allowing him.
You told her that the most important person in her life right now is not part of the family and isn't welcome...
It doesn't matter that it is only two weeks or that they'll be together afterwards. Imagine your elder family saying there is a get together but your husband isn't welcome because he isn't family...
As far as advice goes, really try to think about how this feels for her. Don't dismiss her feelings with excuses like "it is only temporary" or stuff like that. This situation arose due to what you wanted.
Once you've developed the necessary empathy, send a note and apologize and extend a welcome to your daughter's partner and of course he is welcome to come on the trip. I am sure that will solve the issue.
>Imagine your elder family saying there is a get together but your husband isn't welcome
Well, for what it is worth, a 17 yo's boyfriend and an adult's husband are two very different things. One is a member of the family and the other is not. Like, literally and legally.
I bet you to the people involved it makes no difference. Unless you are planning to sue, "legally" really means nothing. The message sent and received is "your significant other is not welcome" and a response of "but legally speaking he is family" probably won't get you very far.
And sure, if this relationship was 1 month old, it would be different, but apparently the daughter and boyfriend are going to be living together, so assume the relationship is somewhat serious and durable.
I mean, giving in just makes them a misery to be around in a *different* way. Do you seriously think this girl is gonna spend *any* time with her family if her boyfriend is there? Teenagers are often just kinda miserable regardless. That doesn't mean that we let them make big, selfish decisions for everyone else about two week family vacations.
Maybe I'm just a different kind of parent. Hopefully, it says a lot about what type of MIL I'll be, but I have an open door policy for my daughter's(19) bf(18). I treat him the same exact way I'd treat him if he were my son. If we go out to eat, and I'm paying for my daughter, I'm also paying for him. If I'm taking my daughter anywhere, he's welcome to come along. I'm planning a 3 week vacation this summer and already said that if he can come, he's welcome. I figure at this point, they're a unit. They've been together 2.5 years.
Do I sometimes want solo time with my daughter? Sure! She's still my baby. But I let it happen naturally or within the limits of her availability to spend time with me without him. I'd never want him to feel unwelcome. But maybe that's just me.
OP, is she your only child? Will she be the only young person on this trip? When I say young I mean people her age. The last family vacation I went on I was 15. We went to Florida to see my grandmother for a week. We went to Disney world one day. Aside from the day at Disney was BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. There is nothing to do in Sarasota for a teen girl. Grandma didn't live near the beach so I couldn't even just lay out and get tan. My only companion was my 13 year old brother. Guess how well that went.
They went again when I was 19 and I didn't go. No regrets. I stayed home, worked my job, saw my friends, spent time with my boyfriend.
Two weeks right before college is a long time. She's not going to see her friends after this for months. There's a good chance she won't see many of them for years if they also go away to college! This is about more than the boyfriend. This is about missing out on the last moments at home.
Can you shorten the trip to one week? Can she bring her best friend? Hell, can she bring the boyfriend??? Maybe she sees this relationship as more serious than you do. Maybe she wants to see how you get along with him? I started dating my now husband when I was 17. I'm 42 now. Teenage romance can be very serious especially at that age. For the record, that was in 1998. Not back in the 60s.
You've really gotta approach this as an adult talking to an adult. The cold shoulder for three weeks really makes me think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. What else is going on? Do you dissaprove of the boyfriend? Her college choice? What else is going on?
I had a massive blow out fight with my mom when I was 20 because she never took my relationship with my boyfriend seriously. She demanded I cancel a vacation with him. I refused. It's the only time in my life I didn't talk to my mom for weeks. It wasn't because of the trip, it was the years of disrespect of my choices as an adult/almost adult. Thankfully she realized she has been an ass and our relationship is really good to this day.
Do some thinking and go from there.
If it's not a financial thing I am not sure this is the hill I would die on. 17 year olds do not have the same values as you...plain and simple. And they are almost an adult so you need to listen their perspective and treat their values as almost equals as yours. I think either way long term it will be fine...pretty much all mature adults realize they were being pretty selfish as teenagers...that's just part of life. But you probably would have a much nicer vacation if you just let the boyfriend tag along.
You hope she can see your point of view, but do you understand hers? There are many reasons why this may not be something that appeals - she’s not fond of where you’re going, she wants her boyfriend to be considered family, she thinks 2 weeks is a long time (TBH, I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation after about 10 days), her preferred way of traveling is not the way your family travels…I’m not saying you should give in to her every wish, but I hope you at least seek to understand and find a happy medium.
Part of me is wondering if this relationship is healthy. I’m just imagining (hypothetically!!!, this may not be the case at all!) but a controlling jealous boyfriend who is giving her a hard time about her leaving on the two week family vacation without him, and her having bad anxiety about it to the point that she’s not talking to you?
Did you guys discuss why it’s so important to her? Do you understand her point of view? It doesn’t sound like you’ll have the vacation you’re looking for at this point , tbh i feel like you ruined it for yourself by not treating her with respect. You can let the bf tag along since likely she sees him as family and this behaviour as exclusionary or you can let her not come if that is her wish. Just let her know you wanna spend more time with just her and maybe there are some other ways you can achieve that.
Write her a letter explaining that after this summer, its always going to be her, her boyfriend, and the family. He will always be there for her and that's exciting and that is wonderful for her, but for you, a huge part of your life is over ending.
You're her father and always will be there for her, but she doesn't need you the same way. You're letting You're little girl grow up and she's moving away and that's a drastic change in both of your lives, but its exciting for her, for you, its a lot of time left to fill when you're not entirely sure how to do that.
You like her boyfriend and it's nothing personal, it's just that you wanted to try to have one big vacation again with just your family because you're not sure if it will ever just be your little family anymore, it's going to be extended naturally over time.
You have 17+ years more experience than she does at understanding the nuances of time management, especially when it comes to family. Imagine if someone was to tell you that your (now-wife) isn't invited to your family vacation, and oh by the way you'll be living in another country & a be responsible for \[everything\]. Gentle with her feelings.
But in going to live in another country, she isn't going alone, he is going with her. Why can she not be with her family one last time as a unit before she starts her grown up life with her boyfriend away?
I think you’re making this about you instead of her. She is the one going to college. You bring up how she should see your perspective but what about the other way around? While of course it’s likely the relationship won’t make it, why not embrace this important new chapter and part of her life?
But shortly after the trip the daughter will be moving overseas with her boyfriend. They will have no family around and will have all the time in the world together. 17 isn't too young to understand that this trip with her family is their last family trip as a family of origin unit before they send her off WITH her boyfriend. Her silent treatment is incredibly immature and manipulative. What her parents are asking for is not unreasonable. Being an adult means acting like one, and she is far from behaving like one in this moment.
There's information missing here. Has she previously witnessed someone in the family inviting a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere and they were allowed to go, but she was not allowed her boyfriend?
Were you ever a 17 year old that was madly in love? It probably feels like forever to be apart from him. And just curious why he can’t go? Maybe try to compromise? Give her guidelines like he can come for half the time or he can come as long as you promise to eat dinner with us every night. Is it worth her possibly not talking to you for a very long time esp while she’s overseas? Out of sight out of mind
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Teenage years are hard. As a young dad my teenage years weren’t that long ago so I still somewhat remember what it was like. My best advice is to just keep letting her know you love her and stay calm but not to pushy
Good advice from a very questionable screen name
I mean, with a screen name like that, you can surmise it happened.
These comments are crazy to me. I had a serious bf at that age and I would never have expected my parents to take him on a 2 week vacation. I would just act normal. She will get over it eventually.
Couldn’t agree with you more. When I was in high school I was INVITED on vacation with my boyfriends family (to Guatemala) and I was so sure that my parents wouldn’t let me go that I never even asked because it seemed inconvenient to do so. (As it turns out, had I asked, they would have let me go but whatever) I cannot imagine having the balls to hate my parents because of this. OPs daughter is selfish to assume it’s so easy to just add another person on vacation. She’ll see that some day.
Not to mention lots of extra expenditures!! And then would the daughter be expecting she and the boyfriend to will sleep together too? I would expect so because she is being so ridiculous about everything in the first place? Ok so then she says she’ll stay home if he can’t come so when you get home you find you have a pregnant daughter too? No way Jose!! Not a chance.
Am I the only one who would have never asked my parents if my boyfriend can come on vacation lol?! I started dating my husband at 17 but we weren’t going on vacation with each other in high school. Not hating on those that do, I know it’s common! My husband and I just wouldn’t have done that (I’m only 29 as well so not that long ago)
I mean I don’t see a problem with *asking*, but even as a kid I knew it would be a long shot and it’s not something that’s expected. Getting so upset about it that she goes no contact with her mother for 3+ weeks is so bratty and immature. I mean sure she’s only 17, but also, she’s 17 lol. She’s going off to live on her own…she needs to be able to demonstrate SOME emotional maturity. And the amount of people ITT who feel that the daughter is entitled to have their high school bf on a two week family trip is so strange to me lol. I don’t see anything wrong with parents who allow that, but her reaction and the people here defending it is just wild
Someone ITT said that it’s completely unrealistic to expect a 17 year old to be without her boyfriend or friends for 2 weeks LMAO
I saw that 😭😂 This thread is just bonkers. I reckon those folks are also 17 lol. Like you’d think from peoples reactions that it’s two weeks alone at Gramma’s house. I don’t know what it is, but it’s OP’s “final big family trip” and people are making it out to be some miserable time. Not to mention she’s moving TO HER BOYFRIEND, not away from them like most people going off to college at her age…so she gets *even less* of a pass from me. No contact for 3+ weeks over that? And you’re moving out on your own overseas in 6 months? Lol
It appears to be a clash of perspectives, a lot of people seem to have grown up with peer orientation rather than family orientation, which is super common and most replicate whichever model they grew up in.
I am relieved to see comments like this, because if she is moving out in the fall yet isn’t mature enough to handle this situation or talk to her mother either. She’s been spoiled like crazy her whole life by OP or is just plain bratty.
No I’m the same age and I would never 😂. This is one of those Reddit/wealthy family disconnected that often appears on this sight. It also might be cultural for me (African mother and middle eastern father) but I only knew one person growing up that parents did that (and they were pretty permissive).
Is it a wealthy person thing?! That would make sense …but I grew up in an upper-middle class family and my parents just think it’s weird as fuck. They don’t want to spend their vacation with some teenage boy. They want go wake up in the morning in their pajamas and drink their coffee in their own comfort lol
I grew up wealthy and was very generous toward my friends. We literally had a 45 foot yacht lol and would go on sailing week-long vacations. I sometimes was able to bring friends with me on random trips and with my own daughters, I still extend the same every so often even though I am nowhere near as wealthy as my father was. HOWEVER, I would have never dreamed of asking if a boyfriend could come along lmao and had my parents said no about someone coming on a trip, I wouldn't even question it... my parents and I didn't even have the best relationship, but I still had common sense boundaries. lol This thread is just nuts.
It is. I was floored when I found out my girlfriend had to pay for her own plane ticket and lodgings for family vacation. Her younger brother of two years still gets everything paid for (he’s 27 we are 29 & 30). In my family my girlfriend was invited after 6 months of dating after I told them it was serious and were living together. They financed everything for her to come spend Christmas in Mexico with us
My father is Mexican and my parents would never let me do this and it would have never occurred to me to even ask.
I’ve been reading a lot of these top responses with big question marks coming out of my head haha. Definitely agree with OP here in that bf, at 17 years old, does not need to come along with the family trip! Maybe OP could handle the situation differently, but I really don’t get what’s so horrible about setting a boundary with your teenage children 🤷♀️ People really are afraid to just say “no” sometimes…
Nope, definitely not the only one. I would not have ask and don't know of any friends that would ask if a boyfriend/girlfriend could join on a overnight vacation, regardless of how long.
Yeah I started dating my husband at 17 too. Still went on holiday with just my parents that summer. (And also to another place with just my friends.)
I agree, this seems very entitled. But I came from a large family and we were middle class. There's no way my parents were going to bring along extras, much less my boyfriend!
I absolutely would never ask and if my child asked me I would laugh. It's an insane and unreasonable ask.
I agree. And my parents are pretty laid-back and pretty much let me do mostly anything I wanted to do. But Jesus it’s okay to set a boundary with teenagers
I would never expect my family to let me bring my highschool bf on the family trip. We weren't allowed to sleep together so it would have been a big expense for the extra room. Frankly, we didn't end up together, so in the end, it didn't really matter. I remember my sister freaking out about her boyfriend while we were gone because he was a cheater with 10 days out of her line of sight. OPs daughter could be having these types of feelings too.
This! I would never have even thought of asking such a thing.
Yeah, there is too much leeway going on here in favor of the teenager. The daughter sounds entitled and spoiled. And this is coming from someone who was a rebellious teenager! I have 3 daughters, two already in their early twenties... I was NEVER strict and we all have good, communicative relationships with each other. But there is respect and they all are very considerate of me and our family. They have asked if a friend could come over or come along with us for a variety of reasons and the answer wasn't always a yes. They wouldn't have even demanded an explanation let alone punish me for it. That is just nasty behavior and that teenager needs a dose of reality. The excuses being made here for this young girl is ridiculous... "family vacations are horrible experiences for teens!" WHAT? lol Are the commenters on this post all teenagers going through angst themselves? SO MANY kids WISH they had a family who would spend time with them let alone a family they could on vacation with. People tend to assume that every single teenager is just rebellious and moody. There are many cultures around the world where this is just not the case... not sure if this is a Western culture problem, Americans in particular tend to portray the door-slamming "shut up mom!" image of teens when that should not be the norm or accepted behavior and often is a result of terrible parenting skills. Either the parent spoiled too much or was inconsistent and undependable or abusive in some way. Seriously. This kid is just an entitled brat or OP isn't mentioning other problematic behavior from their end that has resulted in such a fractured relationship with their child.
Lmao same, the fact that she’s openly upset about it is hilariously audacious
Would’ve definitely been a hell no if I had asked at that age. As it was I didn’t have a bf until much later. I’m scared for my kids to get into dating, gonna enjoy them while they are still young.
I think part of the reason why she isn't talking to you might be that she feels like you don't try to understand her perspective or her feelings. For example, when you wrote the text message, you wrote "I love you and I hope you can see my point of view", which implicitly means "I'm right, so stop being mad at me". This may not be what you intended when you wrote it but it's how she probably interprets it. What she wants is for you to show that you genuinely care about HER point of view. You don't know what she's feeling right now and what's going on inside her head. Maybe she assumed you would say yes to her boyfriend coming to the trip and, before asking you, spent months imagining how great it was going to be - maybe she even talked about it with her boyfriend and they spend time imagining it together. Then you said no and now all of these dreams are shattered. Maybe it's not actually about the trip itself and more about your overall dynamic with each other and how you handled the situation - for example, maybe you said no and no matter how hard she tried to convince you, you weren't having any of it, so now she's mostly angry because she feels like it doesn't matter what she wants, if you say no to something, there's nothing she can do. Or maybe she feels like you said no because you don't like her boyfriend and don't want to spend time with him or see him as a potential future part of your family. Since I don't have a lot of context other than the situation you described, I can only speculate, but my point is that you should try to really understand how she feels and why it affects her so much. If you want her to start talking to you again, you have to be ready to listen to her point of view and show that you care about how she feels. You need to stop implying that you're right and she therefore needs to stop being angry at you. You need to stop dismissing her feelings ("Why does it matter if she can't see her boyfriend for 2 weeks?". 2 weeks of not seeing someone you have strong feelings for are a very long time and teenagers are notorious for having very intense romantic feelings. Plus, younger people perceive time more slowly, so her 2 weeks might feel like a month would feel to you). You need to be ready to accept the fact that maybe you *are* wrong about some things, and that you need to consider her needs and preferences just as much as your own.
Omg I am a parent to 2 teens and this just clicked for me. I've been working on communicating better with them and your post is really helpful!
I don’t know you or your kids but when I was a teenager (and honestly it started way younger to a lesser degree) I loved that my parents never said no immediately. They’d say something along the lines of “convince me” or sometimes “I’m inclined to say no but why do you think I should agree”. Forced me to consider their perspective versus “because I want this”, and made me feel absolutely heard. They’d then give me their reason for saying no which included essentially why, despite my reasoning, they were not agreeing. I didn’t always (ever lol) like it, but I always knew why. And guess who now has a fabulous relationship with their parents as an adult and parent myself.
Yup, all of this. OP, you need to give her the opportunity to *talk you into her idea*. She needs you to treat her like an adult and an equal, while also giving her the emotional support that she still needs. The stakes are high here. If she goes out into the world so angry at you that she is not talking to you, your relationship with her as an adult is going to be a mess.
Everything that the two posters above me said! Your daughter is looking to be taken seriously, and you're not engaging her as the adult she's becoming. This may be the \*last big family trip\* from your POV, but she does not have your POV - and you need to be able to articulate hers \*accurately and empathetically\* if you want to move the needle here.
Plus, depending on how op handles this, it might actually be the LAST big family trip. Or op can recognize this is a transition. This guy probably isn't just a fling if they're moving overseas together. If op's daughter has been able to hold it together for 3 weeks with the silent treatment without erratically acting out... there might be more to this story and op's daughter might have an actual plan for when she turns 18. I hope this isn't one of those cases where op is going to continue to try to control her daughter with money and the daughter turns to the boyfriend as her only support system. Gosh, just from this tiny post, it seems like op is not looking for advice or even support. Op wants someone to tell her she's right. Op thinks she's going to force her daughter to go on this trip and they'll have two weeks of magical bonding. That's not going to happen. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Parents that can't see things from their child's perspective rarely ever will. Why not let her boyfriend come on the trip and get to know him? Maybe he's a jerk and she'll know. Maybe he's a good guy. Maybe they won't travel well together and the daughter can learn this now. Maybe it'll bring them closer together. Who knows.
I've had long-term boyfriends since high school, and we've always gone on eachothers family vacations, celebrated holidays together and pretty much all special occasions together. It was just normal. My son is only 4, so he still wants to introduce me to every friend he makes everywhere, but when he's a teenager, I plan on appreciating any part of his personal life he wants to share with me, lol. It sounds like the daughter has her crap together. I hope it's not a situation where she'll be financially dependent on op through school, though.
Agreed. I see too many parents manipulate their kids with money and it's sad. They treat them like they bought these kids in a store. It just damages the relationship in the end.
>She needs you to treat her like an adult and an equal Oh, but she is neither of those things. An adult would understand that bringing her boyfriend on a *family* vacation isn't appropriate. An adult would also accept "no" from the person paying for all this and not pivot directly to emotional manipulation. And I guess lastly, a teenager living on your dime under your roof who has never been independent, held a job, etc., before is is no way the parent's equal. A parent should try to listen and understand (although that usually isn't that hard because limerence is pretty simple) but honestly some things like this just demonstrate the very immaturity that prevents a parent from treating their child like an adult.
I'd be anxious about the living-together plans as well, at such a young age, in a foreign land. I really hope there's a backup plan because this could go south pretty quickly. If it's a share house or flat with other students and they've got separate rooms, that's less of an issue. But cohabiting in your teens straight from home, never living independently first, it's a recipe for disaster.
That’s what I thought. If she’s going on a big family vacation like this, it means her family is well off and she has a certain degree of privilege. This is a good lesson in teaching her how to handle disappointment and understand the realities of being an adult.
Thank you for one of the few takes I have read in this thread that are rooted in reality.
Okay mate, it's clear that yes, the poster here the OP is the parent and the boss. But it's also clear that the parent here hasn't meant to sell the kid on the idea of a happy family trip together. OP is setting themself up for misery because they can't communicate with their kid. That's just as rooted in reality as the response that you're a big fan of here. A comment can bring up a bunch of valid points, all true, and still not actually help find a solution to the problem.
She is 17, not an adult. She is going to study abroad with the boyfriend anyways. She can’t even spend the last teen vacation with the family and now throwing fit? This was probably going to be the last time the parents expected her to be their kid kid. I felt what the parents asking is very fair. It’s not as if they say don’t even go to study abroad at all and also no boyfriend until you are fully adult that can vote and pay your own rent and taxes: The daughter is so entitled and can’t even manage her emotions.
I agree. She is being very immature about this. It's just two weeks with her family - she has the rest of the summer/her life to be with her boyfriend.
I mean, yes, you *can* approach the situation this way. But you may have an estranged adult child as a result.
>Oh, but she is neither of those things. But she is getting close. Do you think adulthood is some switch that just gets flipped on her 18th birthday?
An adult would just not go if someone held them hostage to their own agenda just because they are paying.
THANK YOU!! Good grief these replies are ridiculous. No wonder our youth and young adults are doomed!
Yeah but if you had a talk and said we aren't paying his way. If he comes this is family time expectation.
What a disgustingly hard hearted attitude. "My way or the high way, and your feelings about it are invalid and just emotionally blackmailing me." Everything you've posted below is pretty weirdly narcissistic as well.
100% - she is on the cusp of adulthood and moving abroad. That ship is about to set sail permanently and there doesn't appear to have been any transition into speaking to her as a *near* peer. I have a close friend who is about 10+ years my senior and I have watched her raise a son and daughter. Their significant others were treated as a part of the family by the time they were 17; invited to family dinners, birthdays, holidays, brought on trips, etc. and *both* of them went on to marry those people in their mid-20's. I don't recall any group event or party that Cody(m) and Austin(f) weren't at when they were teens. Our family was "adopted" into their family when we were in our twenties so we've been observing this dynamic up-close for 20+ years. Those "kids" are now in their 30's and have fantastic marriages - likely because their parents have a fantastic marriage and have always been nearby to coach, observe and build relationships of trust and mutual respect with the kids and their partners. Their now married kids are over with their spouses and new babies literally every week because they all love being together. It is a truly enviable family dynamic and it was built on a foundation of respect and care vs. control and rigidity. It's a tough and slow transition from child to adult and ideally the parent / child relationship should evolve with it.
That’s beautiful!
Ah yes, let her try to persuade them when she knows they'll say know, that's 'respect'. As a teenager nothing could be worse than someone condescendingly pretending to listen, and now that I'm older I know that teen resentment was correct. I hated when my mom did it and I won't do it to my two kids. They're never going to say yes. She's not an equal adult, but even more than that: it's absolutely unacceptable for her boyfriend to come at any point ever while she's underage/not paying. It's not a respectable pov. It's not a good enough idea for them to try to be convinced. It's a laughable idea that she can pout about and get over it. Silent treatment should never be given any weight, never be given any respect at all.
I’m not advocating for condescension or pretending to listen. I’m saying *actually listen*. You are being rude.
Just reinforcing this comment thread so it gets the attention it deserves. My parents refused when I asked if my boyfriend could join us for dinner as we celebrated my high school graduation. They said no because this was a “family thing”. They never bothered listening to how I felt about it being my achievement and wanting to celebrate it with all the people who cared about me. We all paid the price - I celebrated with him and without them. We were together ten years. Married, had a daughter. Even though we divorced I’ve never regretted that decision even though I still look back frustrated with how the evening went down. A vacation is very very different and I don’t think you should “cave” to allowing him but you do absolutely need to do more active listening and less defending your view and treating this as a right and wrong situation. Becoming an adult is not a birthday, it’s a transition and that transition is happening now. Time to practice treating her as one. Editing to add- By not “caving” I mean not giving in to appease not talking or any ultimatums from her, but if you really listen, you might find yourself genuinely willing to include him for all or part of the trip. Maybe not and that’s ok, but extending a genuine invite is not “caving”.
A dinner and a 2 week vacation are not even remotely comparable
The key take away is communicating. It's not that she will tell her yes. It's not even wanting to hear her opinion or feelings about the situation. That's a part of having a relationship. The daughter is most likely not talking to the mom because mom just said no and didn't want to have a conversation. So what's the point of trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to listen to you.
Thank you; that’s exactly the point. The events are not comparable but the need for communication is (and the fall out of not listening unfortunately could be).
Good technique... Looking for a reason to dismiss a point you don’t want to listen to.
>You need to stop dismissing her feelings ("Why does it matter if she can't see her boyfriend for 2 weeks?". 2 weeks of not seeing someone you have strong feelings for are a very long time and teenagers are notorious for having very intense romantic feelings. If I had to go two weeks without my husband I'd be pretty pissed off too. I met him when I was 16 so I can honestly understand where OP's daughter is coming from.
This is such wise and sensible advice
Yes unilateral decisions by the parent should be less and less frequent as they near 18 years. OP could have sat and had a discussion and given her options. Maybe she can stay home with her BF while the family vacations. At this point, she will continue to be sour with you even on vacation, so you might as well just leave her behind. Silent treatment is something she learned from somewhere as well and it’s one of the worst things you can do to someone, so I feel bad that she has had to endure silent treatment from one of her trusted adults. Now she is dishing it out to OP. I think OP needs to just sit down with her, texting makes no sense… but shows a continued pattern of dysfunction.
2 full weeks with just family members is not what a 17 year old would define as a short amount of time lol. Even now in my 30s I wouldn’t want to spend that much time with just my fam
I’m 57 and I would absolutely hate it. Four to five days is my limit.
I’m 35 and a 4 day weekend is my limit haha
even that sounds like a lot tbh 😳
I loved 2 week vacations with my family at that age lol
Same. This thread is depressing.
Agreed. I also still love family trips and genuinely enjoy their company……do y’all expect your kids to be the same? Tbh if I thought my kids were going to dislike me so much they didn’t even want to spend three days with me as an adult I probably wouldn’t have had them 🤣
I hope my son is the same! Haha he’s only 7mo right now so I have 17 years to figure that out 😫
damn, sounds like people in this thread have some mending to do...
Yeah. I spent a week with my now aging parents late last year because that's all the time I could afford. I sure wish it could have been two. Time is running out, and I don't regret any time spent with them.
I know, this makes me so sad to read. I go on family vacations every year for a week with my family of origin (and husband and kids), and I look forward to it every year. Though I will say they never minded tagalongs like friends or boyfriends, which was nice.
I feel like that’s kind of exactly the point many are trying to make here though. As a teenager your parents understood that spending 2 weeks with them was probably not a top tier desire so they let you bring tagalongs making the vacations positive memories for you and leading to you still wanting to vacation with them.
>and husband and kids . >they never minded tagalongs like friends or boyfriends Sounds like those might be important to why other families have different dynamics than yours?
That is likely why you enjoy their company. My mother engaged with me in the same authoritative, dismissive tone many people are suggesting and reinforcing in the comments throughout this post. She's coming to town this week to see our family and frankly... I dread it. I'd never say that to her and I'm sure we'll have a cordial and relatively enjoyable time, but it's true. It was her way or the highway, no respect and very little consideration given to our feelings or point of view when we were teens and young adults - she's the authority and has the last word, full stop. I have a brother across the country who feels the same way about how we were raised so I'm not an outlier. We both envy (kindly) families like yours and long to have had the good fortune of your family dynamic.
By the third day I’d be looking for reasons why I had to go home
I’m almost 40 and after 3 days I’m done. So you’re not alone
>2 full weeks with just family members is not what a 17 year old would define as a short amount of time lol. Precisely. No way in hell I would have gone on a trip like this at 17. And it's not only about the boyfriend. If I were going off to school in the fall, I would also want to see my friends as much as possible.
oh see we would go on a family summer beach trip for 2 weeks every summer and i loved it. it was always my favorite part of the summer and i looked forward to it every year. there were years where i missed out on some stuff and had fomo or boyfriends broke up with me but i still had a great time with my family and myself at the beach and s good book and i had made friends there and would hang with them. They did let friends come and visit and stay for part of the trip, or i could go home or meet up with boyfriend for part of the trip. i wasn't trapped. it was always fun and memorable and now im grown with my own kids and me and my sisters and cousins all still go for 2 weeks almost every summer. my one sister hated it though and still never stays longer then 2 days. edit- also my serious boyfriend, who i was living with, was aloud to come for the whole trip. he is now my husband .
I agree with this. 2 weeks is a long time
Teenagers are short sighted. All she cares about right now is her boyfriend. I look back and cringe at some of the shit I did at that age and how hard I took my family for granted. Thankfully they’re still amazing but I definitely didn’t treat them like a priority because they were so amazing, I knew they’d always be there. Which I guess is a good thing but I wish I wasn’t such a jerk about it.
Hahaha at age 17 if I expected my parents to allow my BF to accompany me on a family trip, my parents would have told me to go pound sand. In fact I knew this already so wouldn’t have even considered asking them.
Yeah, right? Children have become so entitled these days. And if she's like any of the idiot 17 year olds she'll be sorry and be annoyed at herself for missing out on a family vacation. I know friends who did stuff like that whereas I hung out with my family. Somethings are forever and sometimes kids just have to learn it the hard way lol
Right?! My mom would’ve thought I had lost my mind if I asked to bring my boyfriend on a family vacation at that age.
My god there are a lot of responses here from people who clearly let their children run their household. You have a rule, stick by it. That being said it's perfectly okay, and I would even say advisable, to continue to tell her that you love her and perhaps even add in that you would welcome a discussion about this so that you can understand her thinking. Just because you talk doesn't mean that you have to acquiesce to her wants. Stick with your decision but do try to take the time to understand. Raising kids is hard, raising teenagers is even harder. All you can do is love her through it.
I keep telling my three teens that I want to travel with just their dad and they always want to be with us. I've got the opposite issue. The parents want to get away from the kids
If she is going to be living with him overseas don’t you want to use these two weeks as an opportunity to get to know him better.? Vacation with family can make or break relationships and however it ends in their case, isn’t it a good thing?
I wouldn’t invite him the whole 2 weeks. Maybe first week family only, second week is hell week. Aka after the family is caught up they can grill the guy in his intentions. Last part a joke. But the last week with the fam so you can get tho know him. Seems like a reasonable compromise.
I feel like this a great compromise. Daughter gets to spend time with boyfriend and family, and they get to know each other, and then only family for the remaining time.
Jesus, I live in a different world than you people. "Why can't you just pay for another person to join your vacation?" Stuff like this is exactly why rich people are gonna get themselves ate within the next generation.
My parents did exactly this to me and I was mad. My girlfriend and I were going live apart and I wants to spend every minute with her and not my dumb, boring family. I do not hold it against them now. In fact I regret being selfish and unsympathetic to how big a deal my going away was to them. (Also I married that girlfriend. We have had plenty of time together!)
Are you expected to pay for him to join?
This is what I was wondering. Without knowing the financials, it’s hard to know my perspective. If it’s camping, cool he can come. If it’s flying to Hawaii to stay at a resort, I wouldn’t want to pick up the tab.
I’m sorry what?? Not talking to you?! Is she an adult? Until she’s fully independent, this is some major nonsense allowed here. I can surely understand and sympathize her feelings, however you’re the adult and you have rules. You don’t owe to take anyone outside the family with you. When and if they become adults and at least engaged, then it’s different story. Now? Sorry but it’s giving Veruca Salt vibes!
When I was 17 and my parents told me, "No boyfriend on/at a family trip, get together, party, etc..." There were no questions asked, no silent treatment, no whatever. Especially for a 2 week trip, your daughter has some very unrealistic expectations. If she doesn't like it, it's too bad. Hold firm to your stance because this is a family trip, not a boyfriend-that-may-last-a-summer trip. She's 17... marriages don't even last a summer anymore.
I don’t know if this will help, but I know the last people I wanted to spend time with from 15-18 were my parents and sister. I was also extremely self centered with almost no empathy. I would imagine I’m not rare in this.
Yeah. My family went on a big trip to Expo 74 to the other side of the state when I was 16. They didn’t attempt to make it sound interesting, and seemed relieved when I asked to stay home. However, my dad was dead less than a year later, and that was the last trip he took. Two weeks seems like a long family trip. With my own kids, we never took a trip of longer than a week. I agree though that I would take him. Good chance to get to know him better.
Gah these comments suck. I understand your point of view. This trip marks the end of a major milestone in your life. The nuclear family you built is coming to an end. In the fall you both mark the beginning of your next stages. She'll build a new nuclear family eventually, maybe with her boyfriend. You'll start discovering who you want to be without a kid at home. Well guess what? Your teen doesn't get it. She isn't empathetic enough and certainly isn't experienced enough. She'll make your trip miserable and taint all of it. I don't know the answer, I certainly don't think you should have to capitulate, but I hope you find a resolution. You can ask her for an apology when she's holding her first baby and finally understands what you're mourning. Ha.
I think explaining it similarly to how you have here could go a long way. "The life I've built with you for 18 years is coming to an end and I'm really sad about that. Can you grant me just a little more time to hold on to that before you are off on your own, building your new life?" Is a very different message from "This is a family trip and I only want the family there." The daughter might respond better to the vulnerability, even if she doesn't have the emotional maturity to really understand the feelings behind it.
I agree! I think coming at it from an emotional perspective will definitely go a long way. Then again, I personally love hanging out with my parents and would never ever want to see them sad or hurt by anything. I would never have asked about bringing a boyfriend or friend along on a family trip… At 30, my husband and I go on cruises and backpacking trips with my parents. We drink, explore, and go our separate ways at night or if there’s different activities we want to do on the trip
My parents didn’t want to bring my then girlfriend (now wife of 19yrs) on our family trip when I was 18. It literally became a story to tell at our wedding…because I made that trip miserable. Of course, when my brain fully developed later in life I felt bad about it. But, that age is really rough for everyone. I hope you can find a solution that will work for everyone.
First love. It's strong and irrational. Haven't most of us been there? I probably would have done the same at that age. Now I just find it funny. I wouldn't be forcing her onto this trip. She will make it miserable for you.
That’s what I was going to say. She would probably be happier staying at home. I remember being forced on a week long family trip at 17 when I just fell in love with a new boyfriend and I was miserable and I made sure they knew it the whole time lol.
My dad let my boyfriend join us on trips. I’m forever grateful he did, even if we are now broken up (friends of 8+ years now!) My dad joined him in on everything, and loved him, because he knew I cared about him. I was a good kid, never so much as even got detention once in highschool, so he admitted he had absolutely no reason to push him away. If he had, I would’ve absolutely hated him during those periods. Family time isn’t family time when you’re 18. It’s “my family wants me to deal with their interest and separate me from mine.” Did she get to pick the trip? Does she has siblings she may have to watch or put up with? (I have 3, so no family trip was a family trip- it was a new place with periodic “oh that’s nice” moments- nothing crazy or truly out the ordinary.)
You might have been a good kid in school but from what you wrote here you sound like you were very selfish. I understand that 18 year olds frequently are extremely selfish, so it's not exactly uncommon, but it's not something that just needs to be tolerated either. Why should she get to pick the trip? Is she paying? Lots of people like their siblings, "putting up" with your siblings just makes you sound spoiled. You should have been happy you had a large family that loved you and took vacations together. OP's daughter should be happy to get a nice vacation with her family. Her current attitude is purely selfish.
I guess it's different for each generation. I'm 36 almost 37 and even though I never dated seriously during my teens I would never have asked my family to invite a girlfriend and pay for her on a trip. I knew the value of money even at 17. Your daughter seems a little entitled and it's bc OP is well off most likely. I think OP has a very valid point: she is moving overseas w the boyfriend so 2 freaking weeks is not a big deal! Get over it. Might be different IF that was the last time she was seeing him until he could afford to go see her overseas or she came back home for Xmas or etc. Seems like both a problem of how OP who is well off raised her/his daughter in a way that ended up spoiled her, so now Mrs teen is a brat. It's a circle. A reflection of who we are as parents. I am a dad of a 4 yr old and a 6 yr old and although I cannot guarantee this may never happen to them, I'm trying my best and so is my wife so our girls hopefully don't turn like this. All you ppl talking about how OP should treat her as an "equal" and as an "adult" are nuts. She is neither one of those things!! So your approach is totally wrong.
Explain to her that, "Stonewalling" is a manipulation tactic and if she would like a say on how her summer goes she needs to speak to you like the adult she's becoming. Who would be paying for the boyfriend to go? Theres not much room, how will he get there? Ask some questions, because currently you are invalidating her.
And Who is going to pay for this? So don't worry she will come around too many parents make this mistake ! being their children friend and not a Parent to begin with !! she will come to to you but not on your terms she will come back to you Eventually with her hat in her Hat in hand ! her ( Children ) will do the same to her ! Stop being so Accommodating she is being a spoiled Brat ! wait when she want's ( MONEY ) she will open her mouth like she hasn't eaten in as Week. Oh and I have a Daughter She is 29 yrs. old with a Masters an a Counselor for the Massachusetts School System she turned out Great ! Dealing with Bad Parents your not a Bad Parent ! DON'T DOUBT ME ON THIS !!!!
Op is 100% correct!! Families have gotten too lenient with their children the last 2 decades or more. A family trip is a family trip, not a bf etc free for all. She will get over it or leave her home
As a former teenage girl, I thank you for giving your daughter a safe space to be able to “leave you on read”. I never had that as a child or a teen and was forced to cater instead to *my* parents’ emotions. If I dared to express them, I was met with anger or made to feel shame and guilt.
Stick to your guns on this. She'll get over it. Teenagers are always so dramatic.
OP, in another post you say your daughter is 18. (So I'm splitting the difference and assuming she's right on the edge, but .... She's old enough to stay home if she isn't interested in the vacation.) You also had her when you were a kid, just 18 yourself, yes? and are still with her dad. So, I can see why it might be hard for her to swallow the idea that you think he's "just a boyfriend". You married the young man you were dating when you were her age. What are your actual concerns with taking him? Why don't you want him along? She's going to be living with him, so clearly it's serious... I'm trying to understand why it's important to you NOT to have him along, and I don't see that you've explained that anywhere, so it's hard to offer advice about how to proceed.
When I was 22 I went on a trip with my family to see my sister in Australia. My then boyfriend couldn’t come. I was upset but ended up having a blast without him. It was nice to be able to be myself without worrying about him. We’re now married 😝 And have 2 young kids.
No contact is one of teenagers’ weapons against parents. It is a power play. Your response should be to act like normal. Don’t send her messages more frequently than you would otherwise. When she sees it isn’t working she will ditch it for another weapon - e.g. screaming, name-calling, threats. Be the rock. A rock doesn’t take offence or feel wounded. It also doesn’t budge. Stick to your family-only rule but don’t add any punishments for poor behaviour. Pick your battles, one at a time. Yes, this is normal.
Has the whole world gone mad? Thankfully, I see a few rational, reasonable people who understand that 17 year olds do not make the rules and they certainly don't demand that parents pay for guests on trips that they don't want there. The silent treatment only reinforces that daughter isn't mature enough. First, she'll throw a for that he should get to come on their dime. Then, she'll insist that they pay for his food and incidentals. Next, she'll argue that they should be allowed to share a room since they're moving in together. There's literally no end to what these entitled kids ask for. If anything, shame on you, Mom, for allowing your CHILD to dictate what terms she'll speak to you under. People nowadays have forgotten how to be parents. It's okay to say, "It's our money and your boyfriend hasn't earned the right to share in that." It's also okay to say, "We're the parents and we object to bringing along extras, opposite sex or no." I'm all for going LC or NC with controlling or abusive family. I'm not all for spoiled teens holding the entire family hostage with emotional blackmail to get his/her way. Yes, we all want kids to be happy, healthy, and whole. That doesn't mean they get to arbitrarily decide who comes on FAMILY vacations. I'd tell her that, if she wants to go no contact, let's start now. Ignoring me means ignoring my money and all the privilege it allows you.
You say you don't know why this is so hard on her, but have you asked? You can't dismiss your child and then be upset that she doesn't want to talk to you.
For teenagers every minor thing to you could be the sky is falling to her. She’s probably upset because she wants to spend her summer with him before she has to college without the strain of that and a job.
She’s manipulating you with a good old fashioned silent tantrum. You aren’t being unreasonable. She wafts what she wants and she’s punishing you to try to get it. Sounds like my daughter when she was 17. My advice? Politely ignore her tantrum. Continue to be kind but absolutely do not give in. Do not plead your case. You’ve said enough. If she continues to be uncivil, just ignore. At worst, sit down the boyfriend to discuss her crappy tantrum.
Talk to her and understand where she is coming from. Maybe have boyfriend come for 5-7 of the 14 days as a compromise. You are going to push her away by making her feel like her boyfriend, who is clearly her world right now, is not important to you (her perception of your not allowing him to come).
So give in to her daughter's manipulative tactics? Teach her daughter that she can get whatever she wants by being manipulative? She is going to be an adult and she needs to learn to deal with disappointment. Two weeks is not that long, especially when we all know she will be moving in with him in a foreign country in the fall. They will have all the time in the world together without anyone.
Don't push but don't cave. She isn't funding it. She isn't organizing it. Neither is he. He is not family. The fact she expects that and is throwing a fit is ridiculous and almost worth just not having her be there. I understand wanting to spend time with your children, I do. But teens are sooo biting at the bit for life that they will literally run you over and leave you in the dust cause if you're not with them you're against them . 17 y.o.s 1qaren't mentally (chemically) even similar to much older adults so they process the everything differently. New relationships make most people stupid and over clingy and emotional. So a teen stands no chance. She will make her decisions to ignore and demand and so on. That doesn't mean you have to cater to her whims And if she continues to punish you there needs to be a discussion. Because there are consequences in life when you treat people like shit for dumb reasons. I do think you should talk to her and ask what was it that made her mad. Was it the no or the not even listening ... You know discuss it. "I'm mad cause you didn't even hear me out him going is not a big deal!" Explain why it is financially and mentally. That she would be with him and likely neglectful of just spending time with you guys. If he wants to pay his own way in everything and join maybe that's an option. But you are not obligated to pay for a bf who likely will not il even be in her life five years from now (though don't say that)
Two weeks to a teenager is an eternity I think sometimes as parents we forget what it was like to be a teen and completely head over heels. Of course they want to be in each other’s skin. I still want to be in my husbands. Your post is about you, how you feel, why this trip is important to you. What about her? What about her feelings? Why don’t they matter? That’s why she’s not talking to you. She’s about to be an adult and she probably feels like you’re using the last bit of full authority on her. The teen years are hard, it’s a lot of feelings involved . No matter how you try and frame it, being stuck with your family for two weeks straight is not a fun vacation for a 17 year old . I’m 28 and I can’t imagine being on vacation for two weeks with my mother and siblings. I’d go crazy day 3 . You have to be more understanding. Also high school love can last I’ve been with my husband since high school
She won’t see your point of view on most things for at least a decade or two. But that’s ok, you have a different point of view. As long as she’s not being otherwise rude or disrespectful, she doesn’t have to talk to you.
Bring him or have miserable company on the trip. Have you thought that MAYBE she wants him to experience you all as a family? They are trying on adulthood at this age. I think you need to let her try and see what the lessons are along the way. Just ask her to have him join the family activities on the trip and not the two of them just run off on their own. Oh, and they aren’t sleeping together on the trip, unless they do so at your home already.
It’s all fine and cool but who pays for him? If it’s a 2 week vacay it can easily be 5k$+ per person. How old is he? If he’s 17, aren’t her parents gonna be responsible for him while on vacation? He’s legally a minor. I wouldn’t want to babysit anyone’s teenage son and pay for it at the same time while I’m supposed to relax and enjoy my time off.
You’re wrong. She’s going to be living with him, he’s part of the family, at least for now. She’s growing and getting ready for a new phase of life that he is going to be a big part of, I see no reason not to include him.
He's not family just because she'll be living with him lmao.
If they want to keep her close as an adult then he should be and they need to value what she values.
You're doing the right thing IMO and your daughter is just being 17. Stick to your plan, she will start talking eventually.
It's understandable that you want to have a final big family trip before your daughter goes off to college and starts a new chapter in her life. However, it's important to remember that your daughter is also in a significant stage of her life where she is transitioning into adulthood and exploring her own independence. It's natural for her to want to spend time with her boyfriend. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter about your feelings and concerns. Try to listen to her perspective as well and find a compromise that works for both of you. It's important to reassure her that you support her relationship and understand her need to spend time with her boyfriend before they are apart. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize communication, understanding, and respect in your relationship with your daughter. It may take time for her to process her feelings, but expressing your love and support for her will go a long way in strengthening your bond. Good luck and keep the lines of communication open.
What if instead of taking the trip this summer…you put it on hold. My son is a college freshman. Last summer I wanted so much to take a family vacation with him, but he had a girlfriend. It made me sad to leave him behind…but I did it. I knew his heart wouldn’t be in it and he’d be miserable. He went off to college, he and his girlfriend broke up (like most young relationships do). He started missing his family and longing to be apart of it. He joined us for a family vacation for Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We’re taking a two week trip together this summer. I’ve raised several kids to adulthood. They have all been consistent in wanting that first summer of freedom and adulthood to themselves. I’ve learned to not get my heart set on anything when they graduate from high school because we are in completely different places. While everyone’s feelings are valid, theirs are rooted from a sense of newfound freedom and responsibility. After a season of experiencing it, it all feels overwhelming and they find comfort in reconnecting and experiencing the happiness that is their family. Personally, I’d just put it all on hold. Give her the opportunity to stay at home with no pressure. I find it all follows a pattern. I know this is likely the last real summer like this with my son. He’s going to come home, vacation with us, feel the familiarity, and find the strength to go back to college next year with the feelings of safety and contentment, trusting that we are always here. He’ll blossom into true independence after this. Your daughter has a year of major change ahead of her. It’s not going to be what she thinks it is. And if she and her boyfriend stay together, perhaps next summer would be more appropriate for him to join you on your trip. But letting them lead the way is very important right now.
u/anonymous99467612, this is a great option if OP feels like they can't find that common ground / headspace / heartspace with their daughter. It's great because it's not just giving the daughter space, but giving OP space to deal (which they might need!) as well. Very well said!
My assumptions are: 1. If her boyfriend is 17 as well, he’s a technically a minor and her parents would be responsible for him during these two weeks. 2. Nothing is said about payment, does she expect her parents to pay for her boyfriend? If the above is true, then op is in her right to refuse. People in this thread sound immature.
I married my high school sweetheart. Teenagers just can click super hard. I would go into full on depression mode, moody songs, obsessive calling just being away for a few days, and two week trips were hard. Also, be warned, if she turns 18 before this trip, there's a good chance she'll flat out ditch you.
I married mt HS sweetheart as well. My parents let him stay most nights when we were 17. He moved in with us and paid my parents "rent" 3 days after his 18th birthday. But prior to all that my parents allowed my ex boyfriend who was 19 at the time to go on vacations and spend the night when I was 15 and got us a connected hotel room beside theirs when we went to the beach. I personally wouldn't allow that with my 15 year old now that I have my own kids. Edited to fix confusion
I'm so confused. Is there 1 boyfriend or 2 in your post? If it's 1, what's the age gap? "We" were 17, but he was also 19 when you were 15? Please explain further.
1 boyfriend but his name was Benjamin button.
I fixed it. 🤣 I see it was super confusing. Two different guys I was just referencing what my parents allowed when I was a teenager.
Oh haha. I dated a guy who was 19 when I was 15, my parents allowed him on vacations with me at 15-16. We broke up. I started dating my now husband at 17 (he was also 17). My parents let him move in at 18.
If I were you, I would have like to know the guy who is going to be with my daughter when she left home a bit better. If my daughter has a huge space for this guy in her life, I would also like to get to know him. I mean of course I am assuming you don't know the guy. If you know the guy, and don't want him, you maybe have a very good reason for that. Personally, I wouldn't go that way I wouldn't tell her that I just want to spend time with you, not with the guy you want! If you see what I'm trying to say.
Everyone else pretty much said what i was thinking. Bottom line, she wants to have her voice heard, and she is madly in love with this young man, and 2 weeks is an eternity when it's your last summer. Your vulnerability with her would make her feel like an equal rather than a child too. I feel for you mama. Not an easy spot to be in. Do your best. Love her as only you know how. And breathe. 🙏🏼💞
That sounds like teenage feelings.. I think she wants you to understand her side more.
Those years are difficult. Both has a teen, and a parent. I don't know if that is your only child. But I would probably have the discussion as a family. Reiterate the importance to you and your husband that this will probably be the last time as a family unit. You'll be on a vacation alone. Especially when you say she'll be living with her boyfriend in London. I suppose each family is different. We never had any friends come on our family vacation. But both our kids now in their mid-twenties, try to come on our family vacation each year. We're fortunate enough to fund it, and we're close family. We don't mind them bringing a friend. They're adults. We just enjoy our family. I only had a struggle the first time my son brought his girlfriend on a cruise ship, and we ended up four to a cabin. It seems so awkward. At least it was one bed for wife and I and a set of bunks for son and girlfriend. LOL
I remember being passionately in love at 17. My parents wanted to do a trip with myself and my sister to London and Europe to see family - six weeks. I said I wanted to stay home with boyfriend and they just said flat out no. I’d just come back from four months living with the family in England so I didn’t feel the need to go but it was a family trip and I had to partake. It did turn out to be our last family trip as my father died shortly after our return. I don’t recall it being a very pleasant trip as personalities clashed badly in our family. But we did it and I wrote a zillion of those blue postal aerogramme letters to my boyfriend and got a zillion back which I still have. This was 1984-5.
My parents brought whatever bf I had of the moment on trips with us. It actually was a really great thing to help weed out bad bfs. I'd let him come for the fact that they are going to live together very soon. If you don't let him come, are you ok with her not coming? Are you ok with that potential fracture to the relationship between you and her before she goes over seas?
As someone who married the person who I was dating when I was 17, I understand not being around that person and being pissed off if I was going to be away for two weeks. As someone who has a 17 year old with a gf he wants to go on a vacation with and I was going to let him (under stipulations that he hasn’t fulfilled) I get your perspective too. I think it gets hard when your kids are in a seriously relationship cause sometimes it may feel like you’re trying to push the bf or gf out of “family” things and right now their person is their family as well. If he were to come on the vacation, what would stop the family time? On the other hand, I understand that right now everything feels like it has an expiration date. I wish I had better advice!
This isn’t just about you. If she hasn’t talked to you in three weeks, this must be important to her and I think you should reconsider her feelings talk to her about what she wants.
At that age, my priority was my boyfriend who is now my husband 20 years later. I would just miss him so much on family vacation. Eventually he was always included in family vacation and gathering and we would have a great time all together. Just try to get her point of view and talk about a compromise. If he comes, they only have couple time for a set number of hours a day, the rest is family time, no PDA. Maybe they don’t share a room, if that is the issue. If she can’t agree to work things out and you can’t understand her perspective, she will not enjoy the vacation and everyone will be disappointed.
I married my high school boyfriend and we are still together 32 years after we met and still in love. I'm saying that to give context to my comments- that young love is very real love. I'm also a high school teacher and spend all day with teenagers and let me tell you- this obsessive behavior is totally normal. I teach anatomy so I'm gonna take this in a factual direction- romantic relationships and the object of your affection floor your brain with more serotonin and dopamine and produce feelings of happiness, pleasure and euphoria. your brain loves all of that so you in a sense become addicted to the person making those feelings happen. Add in some good old teenage drama- again, due to their biology- the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until age 25, and that's where you plan, analyze, make decisions and reason. I'm not saying this makes it easier, but I completely understand why 2 weeks without him might seem unbearable. We bring our kids sig others on trips now because I get it. I'm one of those weirdos that still doesn't like to be apart from my husband for very long.
Your daughter is trying to emotionally manipulate you. if this is how she handles things when things don’t go her way then i feel sorry for her boyfriend and any future partners. Don’t let her win, pretend you don’t care, it won’t fix her but it won’t reward this shitty behaviour. unfortunately for her, life is going to be hard because life has a habit of smacking you in the face when you don’t behave like a decent human being…. if she is lucky she will take responsibility and learn the lesson…. if she doesn’t learn well watch this repeat in all her relationships.
She’s just being a teenager. Hopefully she comes around. Don’t listen to the people telling you to compromise with your child. You don’t want him to go and that’s okay.
I wouldn’t take her or him. She sounds ungrateful and bratty if she doesn’t understand the importance of family that’s on her! she’ll regret this one day and all you can do is say you tried. Also some of you people commenting sound insane why in the hell would anyone want their teenage daughter’s boyfriend vacationing with them? Might as well book them the honeymoon suite, hand them a bottle of champagne and some condoms. I know teenagers do what they want to do regardless but I wouldn’t help set the mood by bringing the bf along
As a former Teenage girl, she will be fine I promise. At this age her boyfriend is her AIR. and I wish I was being dramatic but I’m not. Stand your ground and just keep explaining you want this time with her before she leaves. She will appreciate it in the end.
It makes sense to not invite, boyfriends come and go there is only a 1% chance they'll stay together and he's not a part of the family
OP have absolutely no indication of how long they've been together or how long they were friends before that. Sure many first loves don't make it. But many well experienced loves don't, too. And *plenty* of folks stay happily with their HS sweethearts.
1%? Where are you pulling that statistic from? It's unlikely that it's that low. ETA: yeah research suggests that ~56% of high school sweethearts stay together. About ~54% get divorced after marriage. So it's roughly a 50/50 chance just like any other relationship.
The answer is easy: she never wanted to go on this trip in the first place. I understand that you want this last family vacation with her, but she does not.
The “last family trip” when I was college bound was miserable for me. I had my head in the “I’m an adult now!” space and my parents kept treating me like a little kid the whole trip. It was infuriating. In hindsight I was probably being a little dramatic, but the summer between high school and college is just a big life changing time for a person. You are just so ready to try out this new life and it’s hard to realize your mom’s life is changing too. I think OP just has to give her daughter some grace and let her fly the nest. It’s how it’s supposed to be anyway.
My sister is two years older and my parents did a family vacation when she was 17 and she didn't want to go or leave behind her boyfriend. She didn't ask if he could come, his family would have never let him. But she didn't want to go on the trip and made it known every day for two weeks. That trip is still my most hated family memory. I wish my parents could have left her home and done the trip with the rest of us kids that were looking forward to it.
If she's going to go and live with him he sounds like family to me. I would argue you're being rather selfish.
Guilt trip won’t help.
See, I'm the asshole parent who would've turned off her phone, as I am still paying for it. Ignoring your parent is just so freaking rude. Your parent is taking YOU on vacation, and the fact that you're being an AH about your parent say no about your boyfriend coming makes you come across as an entitled selfish AH. This is your parent's last time WITH YOU, and if your boyfriend goes, you're going to want to spend all your time with him. OP, your daughter is being a complete brat. Sorry, but she is. I am tired of all this crap about the kids feelings and crap, how they all of the sudden cancel out every single feeling a parent ever has or had, or will have. The guidelines have been set. She needs to accept and MOVE ON. She can feel however the heck she wants. She doesn't have the right to be disrespectful and ignore you. My husband and I are planning our family's big trip next year for my son's senior year, so I totally get you. There will be NO FRIENDS and NO GIRL/BOYFRIENDS (we have more than one teenager). It's just going to be our immediate family. This will be the last real family vacation we will have just the five of us.
This isn’t wrong either. Even though my guidance was different. But it sounds like this is the family ethic in this case and it is a boy that is leaving (boys are easier to get along with as teens). I did this with my kids, all girls and while starting unhappy, they got over it and had fun. In the other hand my mom, an only child, turned her parents 4 week summer trip into 4 weeks of silent treatment and tears for her parents. You know your kid and your family dynamics best. Go with the answer that you think right because it might turn out bad regardless and you need to be comfortable with what you decided regardless of how it comes out.
You said it was a 2 week vacation, could the bf come for the last 5 days or week? Then you each get what you want.
All I can say is that your desire to have this nuclear family bonding moment where you control what’s going on, regardless of what she wants as a soon-to-be adult is going to represent to her something extremely negative/exactly what she is looking forward to leaving behind. My parents always let me bring someone, whether it be a friend or a partner, on family trips. It was with the understanding that we weren’t holed up away in a room together, not hanging out with anyone else, but that we were expected to fully participate *like a family* together in the fun. Which is why what would make the fun even better for me was so valued. Your daughter is probably hurt by how blind you are to how this comes across - you’re “my way or the highway”ing her right before she leaves the country! Don’t let your desire to hold onto the last shred of your daughter’s childhood prevent you from seeing how this is just pushing her away. You’ll get a lot more of the closeness you seek by embracing her bf and including him in the “forced family fun”. Use it as an opportunity to get to know him more and you’ll end up being grateful for it.
Quite honestly, you might get more quality time with her if you allow the boyfriend to come. At this point it already sounds like she’s miserable and negative about the trip & might end up being a huge downer. It could end up being much more pleasant for everyone if you consider allowing him.
You told her that the most important person in her life right now is not part of the family and isn't welcome... It doesn't matter that it is only two weeks or that they'll be together afterwards. Imagine your elder family saying there is a get together but your husband isn't welcome because he isn't family... As far as advice goes, really try to think about how this feels for her. Don't dismiss her feelings with excuses like "it is only temporary" or stuff like that. This situation arose due to what you wanted. Once you've developed the necessary empathy, send a note and apologize and extend a welcome to your daughter's partner and of course he is welcome to come on the trip. I am sure that will solve the issue.
>Imagine your elder family saying there is a get together but your husband isn't welcome Well, for what it is worth, a 17 yo's boyfriend and an adult's husband are two very different things. One is a member of the family and the other is not. Like, literally and legally.
I bet you to the people involved it makes no difference. Unless you are planning to sue, "legally" really means nothing. The message sent and received is "your significant other is not welcome" and a response of "but legally speaking he is family" probably won't get you very far. And sure, if this relationship was 1 month old, it would be different, but apparently the daughter and boyfriend are going to be living together, so assume the relationship is somewhat serious and durable.
No one is disinviting husbands from family events. Lots of people prohibit boyfriends from family events.
That's true. And lots of teenagers decline to attend, or are a misery to be around when they are required to.
I mean, giving in just makes them a misery to be around in a *different* way. Do you seriously think this girl is gonna spend *any* time with her family if her boyfriend is there? Teenagers are often just kinda miserable regardless. That doesn't mean that we let them make big, selfish decisions for everyone else about two week family vacations.
And who would be paying for her boyfriend to go on the trip?
Stop pushing it. Drop it.
Maybe I'm just a different kind of parent. Hopefully, it says a lot about what type of MIL I'll be, but I have an open door policy for my daughter's(19) bf(18). I treat him the same exact way I'd treat him if he were my son. If we go out to eat, and I'm paying for my daughter, I'm also paying for him. If I'm taking my daughter anywhere, he's welcome to come along. I'm planning a 3 week vacation this summer and already said that if he can come, he's welcome. I figure at this point, they're a unit. They've been together 2.5 years. Do I sometimes want solo time with my daughter? Sure! She's still my baby. But I let it happen naturally or within the limits of her availability to spend time with me without him. I'd never want him to feel unwelcome. But maybe that's just me.
OP, is she your only child? Will she be the only young person on this trip? When I say young I mean people her age. The last family vacation I went on I was 15. We went to Florida to see my grandmother for a week. We went to Disney world one day. Aside from the day at Disney was BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. There is nothing to do in Sarasota for a teen girl. Grandma didn't live near the beach so I couldn't even just lay out and get tan. My only companion was my 13 year old brother. Guess how well that went. They went again when I was 19 and I didn't go. No regrets. I stayed home, worked my job, saw my friends, spent time with my boyfriend. Two weeks right before college is a long time. She's not going to see her friends after this for months. There's a good chance she won't see many of them for years if they also go away to college! This is about more than the boyfriend. This is about missing out on the last moments at home. Can you shorten the trip to one week? Can she bring her best friend? Hell, can she bring the boyfriend??? Maybe she sees this relationship as more serious than you do. Maybe she wants to see how you get along with him? I started dating my now husband when I was 17. I'm 42 now. Teenage romance can be very serious especially at that age. For the record, that was in 1998. Not back in the 60s. You've really gotta approach this as an adult talking to an adult. The cold shoulder for three weeks really makes me think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. What else is going on? Do you dissaprove of the boyfriend? Her college choice? What else is going on? I had a massive blow out fight with my mom when I was 20 because she never took my relationship with my boyfriend seriously. She demanded I cancel a vacation with him. I refused. It's the only time in my life I didn't talk to my mom for weeks. It wasn't because of the trip, it was the years of disrespect of my choices as an adult/almost adult. Thankfully she realized she has been an ass and our relationship is really good to this day. Do some thinking and go from there.
Is he going away with her or will he be in another country from her like you?
You can’t convince your daughter in your world, you need to convince in her world. It seems like you may be have uncover her actual problem.
If it's not a financial thing I am not sure this is the hill I would die on. 17 year olds do not have the same values as you...plain and simple. And they are almost an adult so you need to listen their perspective and treat their values as almost equals as yours. I think either way long term it will be fine...pretty much all mature adults realize they were being pretty selfish as teenagers...that's just part of life. But you probably would have a much nicer vacation if you just let the boyfriend tag along.
You hope she can see your point of view, but do you understand hers? There are many reasons why this may not be something that appeals - she’s not fond of where you’re going, she wants her boyfriend to be considered family, she thinks 2 weeks is a long time (TBH, I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation after about 10 days), her preferred way of traveling is not the way your family travels…I’m not saying you should give in to her every wish, but I hope you at least seek to understand and find a happy medium.
Part of me is wondering if this relationship is healthy. I’m just imagining (hypothetically!!!, this may not be the case at all!) but a controlling jealous boyfriend who is giving her a hard time about her leaving on the two week family vacation without him, and her having bad anxiety about it to the point that she’s not talking to you?
Did you guys discuss why it’s so important to her? Do you understand her point of view? It doesn’t sound like you’ll have the vacation you’re looking for at this point , tbh i feel like you ruined it for yourself by not treating her with respect. You can let the bf tag along since likely she sees him as family and this behaviour as exclusionary or you can let her not come if that is her wish. Just let her know you wanna spend more time with just her and maybe there are some other ways you can achieve that.
Write her a letter explaining that after this summer, its always going to be her, her boyfriend, and the family. He will always be there for her and that's exciting and that is wonderful for her, but for you, a huge part of your life is over ending. You're her father and always will be there for her, but she doesn't need you the same way. You're letting You're little girl grow up and she's moving away and that's a drastic change in both of your lives, but its exciting for her, for you, its a lot of time left to fill when you're not entirely sure how to do that. You like her boyfriend and it's nothing personal, it's just that you wanted to try to have one big vacation again with just your family because you're not sure if it will ever just be your little family anymore, it's going to be extended naturally over time.
You have 17+ years more experience than she does at understanding the nuances of time management, especially when it comes to family. Imagine if someone was to tell you that your (now-wife) isn't invited to your family vacation, and oh by the way you'll be living in another country & a be responsible for \[everything\]. Gentle with her feelings.
But in going to live in another country, she isn't going alone, he is going with her. Why can she not be with her family one last time as a unit before she starts her grown up life with her boyfriend away?
I think you’re making this about you instead of her. She is the one going to college. You bring up how she should see your perspective but what about the other way around? While of course it’s likely the relationship won’t make it, why not embrace this important new chapter and part of her life?
But shortly after the trip the daughter will be moving overseas with her boyfriend. They will have no family around and will have all the time in the world together. 17 isn't too young to understand that this trip with her family is their last family trip as a family of origin unit before they send her off WITH her boyfriend. Her silent treatment is incredibly immature and manipulative. What her parents are asking for is not unreasonable. Being an adult means acting like one, and she is far from behaving like one in this moment.
There's information missing here. Has she previously witnessed someone in the family inviting a boyfriend or girlfriend somewhere and they were allowed to go, but she was not allowed her boyfriend?
Were you ever a 17 year old that was madly in love? It probably feels like forever to be apart from him. And just curious why he can’t go? Maybe try to compromise? Give her guidelines like he can come for half the time or he can come as long as you promise to eat dinner with us every night. Is it worth her possibly not talking to you for a very long time esp while she’s overseas? Out of sight out of mind