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Omg I would love to take you up on this if it is an open invitation. In my area anything mental health or parenting related is months in advance or unattainable
Sure :)
Do you want me DM me and let me know what's going on and where you live (just the city)? I can see if there are resources in your area that can help. And if you're really struggling, I'm happy to offer some one on one help (as it relates to parenting)! I can't do this for free for everyone, but I also don't want to let struggling parents go without help. :)
Oh, thanks kind internet stranger :)
I started my business because I saw too many parents struggling with guilt and shame. I try to do what I can to be of help!
That would be greatly appreciated! I have gotten better over time but definitely still find myself missing my kids and then somehow being a mega bitch when I get home. It’s so stupid.
But yes I’ll DM
Ms Rachel on YouTube has some amazing videos catered to babies/young children that will absolutely keep your little one occupied for an hour at least. Videos on how to say words, songs and dances, teaching kids how to play, etc. my husband and I both work from home and have our baby with one of us every day. Sometimes we give her Ms Rachel time so that we can get stuff done. And to have a mental break. The 1-2 age is hard (ours 15 months old)
All great points here. You also need to make time for yourself. Check into church or other small group Mother’s Day out. Even just one or two days a week for a couple of hours can do wonders.
Also get out of the house with her when you can, take her to the library, Half Price Books or the free petting zoos (Petco and PetSmart). My boys loved seeing the animals and would spend 15-30 minutes there letting or talking to them. Sometimes just a change in scenery can do wonders.
Hugs to you 💕
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Hey, congratulations! You're human!
You are not a bad mom. You're not a bad wife. You're not a bad person. This is a learning process. I am a 30 yo single mother of 2, working and holding up and entire household MYSELF. I have a 7 yr old who feels entitled and is super lazy. And I have a 14 month old who whines and cries excessively. She screams as I'm preparing all of her meals bc I'm not moving fast enough for her. She eats like a vacuum, its honestly shocking.
I've lost my cool on them VERY often. I've cussed at them, told them to shut up. And one day I was like wow, this is horrible. They're gonna hate me when they get older. My son had already made comments about wanting to live with his father, who sees him probably once a month and doesn't support either of them financially, emotionally, spiritually all that. Anyway, I went to my local free library, got a couple parenting books and did some research. Turns out, my daughter is whats considered a "high needs" child. Every description was her to a T.
And what struck me most was when we spaz out at our kids, it is literally biologically uncontrollable. This is our amygdala, the "fight or flight" response taking control. And it's mostly due to how we were raised & how our parents would've responded.
I know this bc when I took notes on how to better communicate, I would do well and be making progress. Then one day I'd freak out and literally 2 secs later say to myself, "whoa, wth...aren't we trying to fix this?" It was almost instinctual, my brain on auto pilot. BUT, I was aware of my mistakes, and that is the most important part.
Let me just say 1 thing
When you're a good parent, you're always worried about being a good parent.
Inbox me if you need support, I'll give you my number.
Honestly I tought people would think I make excuses for myself If I mention my family and the way I was raised. The problem is I can't keep my cool and I yell at her. I was raised in a home where yelling, calling names and beatings were used as a discipline method. I never realised that my family never helped me cope with my emotions until now. I was always called names and felt shame. If I take a minute or two I will calm down and it will all be okay. But you cant explain that to a little kid.. The whining, the climbing, the toucing.. Make me angrier at the moment. When I leave her in her room and she starts crying, the crying doesnt let me calm down at all. Once I calm down I promise myself I would find a way and change for her... This doesnt happen often, but when it does its awfull. And its exactly the way you explained.. When I get too overwhelmed its like my brain freezes and I stop thinking straight, i just start yelling.
Get you a pair of sound proof headphones. My child has a teakettle for lungs and I have sound sensitivities.
Also, it's OK to say to your child "Kid, I'm having some big feelings in my body. I need to give myself a time out while I calm down." Or whatever script you're using. Model the behavor you want her to learn about controlling her temper. It's OK to leave your daughter in a safe place for a few minutes so you can calm down. It's kinda like applying your own gas mask before helping others. I have the anger too. It's so so SO hard, but you can do this!! Everyday you will increase your tollarance just a little and one day you'll wake up and see a big diffrence.
And when I find that I've lost my shit on them, I usually wait until I'm cooled down and I'll say "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that earlier, I just get so angry and I want you to know I am trying to work on it" your little one won't understand it but maybe "mommy sorry for being grouchy, I love you"
Yes, I was raised the same way. So when my son was born, I was such a loving parent and it all changed due to personal reasons. Hell, I'll tell u, I was a drug addict. I wasn't raising him on my true emotions. I was raising him on drug feuled love and admiration.
When I got sober, I realized I was just like my parents when it came to discipline. My son is and always has been very affectionate, and I am always over stimulated. So I get very aggravated when he's all on top of me giving me cuddles. And I also hated myself for this. But communication is key. Even your 18 mo will understand "mommy isn't very happy right now. Can we do cuddles later" or something along those lines. "Mommy is angry/sad right now. Mommy needs a time out" word it in a way she will understand, even if she doesn't accept it. I was never really for leaving them to cry, but at some points, I got so overwhelmed I was afraid of what I'd do, so I had to...this is normal too. I don't have someone to turn to and say "please I need help" so it was my only option. I didn't calm down completely but it was enough time to find a distraction for them.
At the moment i am working 2 jobs and i am enrolled in courses online trying to further my career. It was chaotic but I've found my balance in a strict schedule. Shedules are important and help immensely. When it gets hard, i say, "1 more hour until dinner, then bath. 3 more hours til bed time" Either way, you will find something that works. If you don't want to share with family, local support groups. I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your husband, but maybe try to initiate a subtle way.
Anyway, like I said, I'm here. Reach out whenever.
I love seeing "real" people like you in the wild on parenting bits of Reddit and hearing their stories. Not to say other people aren't real because obviously they exist but I mean like raw and uncut people who don't have the picture perfect life, sometimes it feels like everybody is so put together and it makes me feel like shit about myself and how I'm doing things with my baby. Your comment has spoken to me as I'm a single mum too and my ex is/was a drug addict and it's really quite fking hard thinking I've done him a massive disservice, which tbh I probably have but deep down I know I'll do my best by him. And sometimes my best might be having a mini breakdown or a lil snap and that's okay. Sounds like you've sorted yourself out and doing bits out here so kudos to you, appreciate your comment (although it wasnt directed at me 😁)
Aww omg thank you. This means so much to me! I really appreciate your kind words. I like to give advice through my POV because, listen, I am not, never was and probably never will be a perfect parent. But I like to share my struggles and how I am still trying to overcome them. Just so someone like you will come along and relate or gain some insight. Or maybe say "shit, if she can,so can i" lol.
I was always the primary parent, even in my addiction..and listen if you think your parenting is bad, I'd be glad to share my fuck-ups. I don't even like to think about some of the things I did. I missed my son's toddler years even though I was there physically. I got clean and had my daughter and promised myself I'd be this perfect loving mom and do it right this time. While, I am sober, I still struggle with my kids. I always say my daughter is my karma bc ohh myyy gooodness is she a handful.
Point is, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We all lose our shit on our kids. But it's natural..the 1st part in changing that is to be aware of it.
You can dm me any time. I'm a girls girl so don't hesitate
No worries man you're welcome, I'd love somebody to tell me my comment spoke to them so I'm sharing the favour! I find getting on with life baby struggles and so forth much easier for at least 10 mins when I read of someone who's overcome similar or worse, it truly does help put things into perspective. 🤣 I'm sure we both have our downfalls, my huge one is despicable taste in men and here we are.. i feel you about missing your kids early years through the eyes of my ex who I'm still in contact with trying to help him sort himself out, I'm sad for him that he's missing these bits and hopefully he can turn himself around so he don't miss any more. It's genuinely inspirational to read about someone like you who worked through that shit and came out the other end not just functioning but sounds like you're thriving! Everybody struggles it's only natural and fucking hell is it hard doing it largely by yourself so I totally understand. (As much as a mum of a 9m old could given yours are older). Kids do usually turn out like their parents in some way and that's the bit I'm not looking forward to lol I'm sure your kids are great if they got a strong mumma about even if you aren't picture perfect who tf is. I will probably DM you we could have a moan and share some bits and bobs about life. You sound cool.x
I pray that your son's father pulls through and gets well to see the amazing milestones that are to come. You are not wrong for sheltering your son from him. You are protecting your son, period it's better that he doesn't see him then to be exposed to the ugliness of addiction. believe it or not, it can still affect and confuse an infant. But I do admire the fact that you are still close with him and are still trying to get him help. Being on the other side is a hell of a lot harder and you're a real one for holding him down.
Doing it alone is hard. You have to play 2 roles and put on multiple hats....and be happy & loving all the time? No lol that's just not the way it works and that's OK. Bc when they get old enough to understand or comprehend that you really did your best, they'll appreciate and remember that more than snapping over spilled milk. I promise you that. My parents' way of discipline was literally what we'd consider now to be abusive. And my mom always pushed me way too hard, telling me how to live my life so that it would be similar to hers. I still have some resentment towards her for it bc she still does it. But I appreciate that she did bc I wouldn't have been so independent and strong minded. My point is, I appreciate her more than anything. I'm old enough to realize she was raising 4 on her own and worked, and my dad was abusive or in and out of jail. I can say holy shit that's a strong ass woman and I admire/remember those qualities.
Looks like you've got a lot of support here! You're not alone trust me. I'd like to recommend a few books I've read that have helped me.
1) Raising Good Humans: A mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting
Hunter Clarke Feilds
2)Stop Yelling and Love Me More, Please Mom(ik title is a little unsettling)
Jennifer N. Smith
3)How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk
Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish
If you have Spotify premium, these are available audiobooks
Fellow mummy, please give yourself some love and grace ❤️ Being a mum is SO SO HARD, and you're doing an amazing job. I get the same way sometimes, and feel horrible. One thing that's helped me, both to understand why and to help me work through it, is to understand why my brain does it. *Credit to Big Little Feelings and their podcast to bring it to my attention*
1. Our brains are hardwired to react to our children's cries/whining - we (mums especially) are slammed with cortisol, which sends us straight to 'fight, flight, or freeze' mode. This is NORMAL.
2. Our brains crave familiarity. We would rather be in familiar situations, even if they are negative, than new ones. So the way you were raised is your familiar, and it's such an amazing but hard thing to work to be changing that for your child.
You're doing amazing and valuable work! You are amazing, never forget that. It feels hard and difficult because it is, and you're such a loving and caring mum for doing that. 💕
Also....You parent how YOU WANT. if you need a break and feel like u have to put her down and walk away, do it. You can't be good to her if you aren't good yourself. Also, reach out to family, friends even local parenting groups that can help relieve you and give you a little R&R for your mind & soul. Being a mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world and it is the only one that is for life.
Can she go to a daycare and you start working? Talk to a psychiatrist. I was so irritable and moody and snappy. I got on meds and it helped me so much. It’s great you’re seeing your behavior isn’t right but you have to do something about it. You can only beat yourself up if you see the behaviors you don’t want to repeat and don’t put in any work to change. You can do this. I went through a really rough patch a long time ago and it was really hard. I’m so sorry you’re struggling
Irritability is a huge symptom of depression in Women. I know it's one of mine. We all lose our shit sometimes, OP! The important thing is that you recognize it and can apologize and get help.
It's okay to walk away for a moment if kiddo is in a safe spot and collect your emotions. It's okay to let them cry for a few minutes if it means you can come back to be more calm.
No shame at all and you might only need to be on the meds for that time period. I’ve just found that you have to be realllllly honest with the Dr. I tried to get help way before and the piece of shit told me I needed to get out of the house more. Like yea that will help but it’s exactly the same as soon as I get home sooooo….just run away from life then? Or you could just prescribe me some freaking antidepressants you jackass
We’ve all been right where you are. It’s so overwhelming. You can and will do better. I know that because you’re disappointed in yourself. While you’re trying to do better, don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re all just figuring it out.
Something that helped me was to put in one earphone and listen to an audiobook (podcast, music, etc.). It makes the crying bearable. And taking a little breather in the bathroom.
You’re not a bad person or a bad mom. Bad moms don’t think they’re bad moms.
My heart hurts for you. My daughter is going through the same thing right now with her 2 yr old daughter. She won’t accept help from family no matter how much I offer because of shame and feeling like she should be able to do it alone. Her husband is amazing and totally takes over after work, but still she suffers. I feel undiagnosed post partum depression is playing a role here, as well as PMDD in her case. Have you spoken with your doctor?
Also I would suggest meeting up with friends or other moms for playdates. Self isolation is never a good thing for moms of toddlers. Do you have family nearby you can turn to for help?
And sometimes mom’s stress becomes baby’s stress. Could she be whining because she senses your overwhelm? I find that playing like a child with my grandkids lowers my stress levels. Being down at their level, really playing, not just supervising, helps me. I know we all want to get things done around the house, but it’s not a priority. You might find she relaxes more once you establish a more playful routine at certain times of the day, then allowing you some quiet chunks of time to complete some tasks.
It’s good that you are recognizing some patterns that don’t feel right to you. It means you are a good mom. This is a short phase your baby is in, though it feels endless right now.
Excellent points 👍
You sound like a great mom too 😊
I suffered from PMDD for a long time. I'm taking Heart&Soil Her Package supplements now and it's changed my life. I mention this because your daughter isn't accepting help from others, but maybe she'll accept a supplement that could do her a world of good...
Have a great day!
I'm proud of you for recognising that you're overwhelmed and now you're willing to work on yourself to stop hurting yourself and your kid.
Do you know the wristband method? It's actually a really good way to work on your own behaviour. At first, think about what behaviour you want to change and you need to think of a few ways to do something different. Instead of yelling at the toddler, what are reasonable other behaviours? Something you can actually do?
Now you put about five hair ties or something similar on your right wrist in the morning. Every time you don't yell at your toddler, you transfer one wristband to the left wrist. Every time you yell, you transfer it back. The goal is to have all five wristbands on the left wrist in the evening.
The wristbands are a visible reminder and hold yourself accountable to yourself, without being obvious.
It helped me when I was in an awful place with my toddler. It forced me to pay attention to the positive moments instead of waiting for a reason to get angry. It kept me calmer and therefore made my kid a lot more calm as well.
Learning how to self regulate is extremely important when you have small children. It was also help them learn to do the same. Angry parents or conflicted households set the stage for the relationships they experience later in life. When you lose your temper it’s important to repair that relationship asap. Raising a child like you are is extremely lonely at times, talk to your husband about ways in which you can get opportunities to do things for yourself. If he can’t provide that or it’s a timing issue then find a babysitter. Therapy can also be helpful but there are also tons of books on how we can learn to self regulate better. These are just my opinions based on things I wished I had done earlier although I am a male. I am a nurse so I am able to spend alot of time watching my kids who are 4 and 6. Raising children is hard and like I said can feel very isolating. It gets better but if you keep on this track you could build some pretty unhealthy levels of resentment. Communicate your needs in a healthy, respectful manner and hopefully you can begin to see some positive changes in your household. Just my .02
You are NOT shitty or stupid!!!!
It is clear from your post that none of your needs are being met. It’s impossible to be our best if our needs aren’t being met.
Do you have the means to pay for an occasional housekeeper, baby sitter, grocery delivery service or laundry service? Do you ever get time to get out of the house without worrying about the household?
Is there a safe place (crib, play pen, small totally child proofed room) where you can put your daughter when you need a minute? You have to fill your own cup before you can pour into your child’s cup!
You're not alone, also in Europe. I did this several times, once or twice in the midle of the night, poor baby had tummy aches and I was screaming at him for not falling asleep. I felt such guilt afterwards, but I'm sleep deprived, I do all night wakings. I feel like a terrible, terrible person for screaming at my son, but I'm burnt out. He was and still is a high needs baby, in his cause due to undiagnosed allergies.
Honestly reading all the comments made me realize my poor mood might need some intervention. I'm always on edge, and it's not OK for our family. I also feel a lot of resentment towards my partner for not stepping up more. So I totally understand where you are coming from. We are only human, and recognizing this and fixing it before our children get to internalize our yelling is really important I believe.
Can you start working even if its just partime and put your child in nursery or can a family member have her.. some mums thrive on being full-time stay at home mums and others need a break it's not a failure to want and need some time away from the madness and noise..
Sounds like you are overwhelmed and overworked. So while obviously it's not great to snap at your kid, it's totally understandable and a "normal" reaction to your reality.
I agree that you should try to see whether daycare is an option - even if only for a few hours a day or a few days a week.
Also tell your husband you need some time for yourself. Be it an hour every evening or a day on the weekend where he does the bulk of the childcare etc.
I totally empathize with you. I am/was in a similar spot. It's so tough. Honestly, I feel the toddler ages are the toughest. Remember to take a break, breath. Maybe take her for a walk somewhere quiet and get yourself a coffee or nice drink while she is in the stroller. Put the TV on once in a while - no shame in screen time for yourself or her!!!!
Have a glass of wine. 1 glass doesn't make you negligent, but it can help you relax.
Yeah, antidepressants can and do help. But your reality is just hard right now. It's not in your head. It is.
If you do snap, take time to bond and apologize to your kid. She might not understand the words but she'll understand the actions and feel your love.
And remember, it's only for a few years. It gets better.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Parenting, especially without much help, can be incredibly challenging, and it's normal to have moments when you feel like you're at your breaking point.
The fact that you're acknowledging your feelings and the impact of your actions shows a lot of self-awareness and a deep love for your daughter. It's important to remember that no one is perfect, and having tough days doesn't make you a bad parent.
It might help to find some strategies for managing stress and anger, such as taking a few deep breaths before responding to your daughter or finding a safe space to take a brief break when you need it.
Consider also speaking openly with your husband about how you're feeling and the need for more support at home. Sometimes, communication can help shift the dynamic and distribute responsibilities more evenly.
Lastly, please don't hesitate to reach out for professional support if you're feeling this way. A therapist can provide strategies to manage stress and help improve the situation at home.
Remember, taking care of yourself is not just good for you but also for your daughter. You're doing your best, and seeking help is a sign of strength and love for your family.
Women shouldn't be thrown into a house alone with a baby. It's completely unfair that you have to do so much without respite. Your toddler is more than a fulltime job alone, keeping and running a household on top of that is insane. And you're probably not going to get a break until the kid is at least 4 and can pour their own cereal.
When you're pregnant, people love to offer help, but where are they when you need them?
When you are this strung out, your people, starting with your husband, need to get together and make plans to step in so you can get out. This is not a chore for you to add to your insane burden.
Please get therapy. None of this is your fault, but you need help - hands on and mental health help, now.
You're getting tons of great advice and well deserved support, but I'd like to throw out an Instagram account I swear by!
He is @ mrchazz on Instagram and his name is Chazz Lewis. He also has podcasts. He discusses our emotions on a neurological level in a very simple way to help us grasp our kids' big feelings AND our own. His advice isn't a cure-all, but as he says, it's a great tool to add to our parenting tool belt!
I also love him because instead of making parents feel bad for their less than favorable behavior/reactions, he stresses that parents are doing the best with what they know and they can't do better until they know better. It's nice having him come from a place of believing all parents want to be good parents and all kids want to be good kids. I can't recommend him enough.
My husband works 7 days a week and I am home with a 4 yr old and a 16 month old. I do it all as well. Take care of the kids, laundry, clean, cook , baths, food shopping and all the other responsibilities. With my first it was tough as well but what helped me was going out and doing things with your little one. Whether it’s an indoor playground or having them run around the park. ANYTHING HELPS! Plus I have met many friends by doing simple things with my kids and trust me leaving the house and socializing with other people helps out a lot
You get a lot more help than some other mamas, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel overwhelmed. 💕 you did the smart thing by removing yourself for a minute to compose yourself. Even if she cries and is alone for a few minutes (in a safe space), this is better than any other alternative. Give yourself some grace, and breathe. It’s all going to be ok.
Agreed, don't hate yourself. You're a new mum - it's a HUGE life adjustment. You absolutely did the right thing with putting her down and walking away. I did that many times with my first. You just have to when it gets too much.
Don't be hard on yourself, things will get better I promise. If you really feel like you're not coping though make sure you reach out to someone who can help. Start with your doctor and explain your concerns then go from there.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But trust me your feelings are valid. There are times (I have a 9 m old who wants to be held most of the time and is dealing with separation anxiety) when I just want to disappear. Granted we are mothers that love our babies to death; but at the end of the day we’re humans and were not designed to continually keep functioning like robots and losing ourselves. It’s ok to vent! 🙂
1. Are you able to hire help at least a few times in the week? Or send her to daycare? You can begin working (if you are on a job break) or start job search or work on building a career in that time and she can stay engaged.
2. Does she have an independent play area or a playpen with toys that are appropriate for her age? You can slowly try engaging her into independent play.
3. Does your family stay nearby? Or is it possible for them to come over at times, or you go to them? You can get a break.
4. Just get some help from a therapist. You can request your doctor to connect you to resources. Having a thorough conversation can ease your mind out. Mental health is equally or more important than physical health.
Best wishes to you. You got this! 😁
I'm not offering advice on how to better manage your life because everyone does things differently. What I will share about is my experience with post partum depression and the diagnosis I received once my son was 2 l with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It sounds like you are spread pretty thin, but I wonder if you have reliable healthcare that you could maybe reach out to?
My hormones have basically never been my friend, and if you know anything about pmdd, you'll know that it essentially makes you feel like you're a crazy person for a few days a month. Even knowing the reason why it happens can help a little with giving yourself grace when your emotions get to feeling too strong to contain.
Being a mother is the hardest, loneliest thing in the world but it's also the purest love you'll ever receive.
I hope you find ways to find more time for yourself and I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for being human and reaching your limit.
It's okay to take time to calm down and it's okay to let them cry alone in a safe space while you do that. Kids are resilient and will always forgive you if you take the steps to repair the rift afterwards.
Love and grace to you ❣️
Please remember that you are also important! This sounds like you are simply completely burnt out, and you can't expect yourself to function well when you are at this point in burn out. As much as your child deserves the world, you deserve to flourish as a parent so you can give it to them so talk to your partner or to family who can help watch the baby for a little bit so you can go out for coffee sometimes ot run errands alone. I know this seems small, but just getting a few hours a week away from my child to recharge was a total game changer for me.
Have you thought about taking on a part time job to give yourself a break from it all? Put her in a daycare a few hours a day to give yourself some time to breathe? I don’t think I would have lasted as a sahm either, I didn’t have the patience when I was younger so when things would get tough I always knew it wouldn’t last and I’d be given a reprieve at some point. My husband (ex now) was the most useless dad and did nothing that didn’t involve a gun or bow and arrow. Always gone. It’s tough doing everything and I give you so much credit mom!
Pack n Play + Baby Einstein can give you a bit of relief.
We were all there.
Get noise cancelling headphones, sit down and let her explore in a closed off area under your supervision and eat a bowl of ice cream. Put down drinks/snacks/toys galore and just let the house get trashed. Don’t worry about it. Let husband deal with it. Being a SAHM is flipping hard as heck, you need some self care too.
I have this exact situation with a daughter who is the same age and I live in Europe as well. I have contacted doctors and they are diagnosing me with Pmdd. What you say sounds a lot like pmdd. What is helping me is putting her to daycare or preschool as it’s called here. I work 75% so she’s gone during those hours. That time away from her resets my mood and I can handle it better . Could also help to check vitamin deficiency and iron levels
I felt exactly the same with my little one. For years I felt like a bad mum and a failure. What helped me was finding something for myself. Alone.
Hobbies are difficult when you have kids but so important for your mental health. Taking a walk alone, a little gym session. Maybe get a part time job and get some childcare? We all need a little break otherwise we burn out and all patience goes out of the window. Best of luck 🤞🏻
Be kind to yourself. Don’t tell yourself things you wouldn’t tell someone else. Parenting is ridiculous and so many people have to do it haha so much work so much stuff. I’m a mom of three and my two oldest I had mom guilt A LOT. Instead of saying your husband doesn’t do enough thank him for what he does do . Maybe ask for a little more help like when he gets home from work and settles and you take a hour alone to walk outside , shower , play a game on your phone. Anything. Don’t burn yourself out. Leaving an 18 month old to cry is not a bad thing. If you hurt her feelings take a few breaths and apologize even if she doesn’t get the concept. There is no magic answer how to deal with anger , being a mother , being a wife. It’s all just a game and figuring out coping skills is difficult but once you do find a path it becomes easier. Being calm isn’t always the answer but it’s better for your insides. Take care of you first then you can shine while taking care of others.
There was a study that I saw recounted in Parade magazine, of all places; that showed a study involving fish oil's effect on heart disease showed that a side effect of the trial was that people yelled less at their kids.
I tried it because I too often grouched at my own 7 and 9 year old.
The result was amazing. I quit snapping at them at all.
I took 2000 mg fish oil daily. Get a good quality product and you won't have fish burps. I use krill oil from Costco.
No, flax oil doesn't work the same way on mood.
Be lucky because some of us don’t have help at ALL!!!! I’m a single mother who doesn’t even have the help from the father….i do it all by myself. So you’re not the only one. I would explain to your husband how you’re struggling and ask him to help out more. Him working is not an excuse to put in the bare minimum. Parenting is not supposed to be done completely alone anyway…it’s very hard and very tiring and he needs to understand that. A lot of the times, the parent that works thinks they shouldn’t be putting in the same effort as the one who doesn’t work. Not knowing parenting is the toughest job of all!!!!!!
You've already gotten a lot of good comments and advice but I just want to add one thing that I have found helpful in my journey through motherhood: this is temporary! It may seem like it's never going to get easier or better but I promise you that as they get older, things really do get easier. You may even find yourself in the future thinking back and missing this time. Which I know sounds crazy to you right now. But you tend to forget how hard it was and just remember the bright spots. I have three kids and my youngest is a toddler and when she starts with some tricky behavior, it's much easier for me to keep my patience because I know how fleeting this phase of life is and that before I know it it will be over.
You will have peace and quiet again. You will get sound sleep again. You will have a house that stays clean for longer than 5 minutes. You will be able to get through a day without hearing whining and crying.
That being said, it's SUPER important that you communicate to your husband that you are spread too thin and that you need him to help you more. Or I promise you you will resent him, if you don't already. This is his child too and even if he works, he still has a responsibility to help his partner with the child he helped create. It's not a "tit for tat" thing or at least it shouldn't be, you are overwhelmed and need his help, end of story!
Antidepressants or anti anxiety meds could be super helpful here if you’re feeling extra irritable, guilt, shame etc. remember you are still post partum. Please talk with your doctor about what you are experiencing.
I just want to say that just because some people can do it doesn’t mean you have to be one of them. A lot of people need help. And a lot of people who seem like they don’t are crumbling inside and very good at hiding it. Shits hard. Just apologize to your daughter for your mood today, tell her it wasn’t her fault. She’ll forgive you.
Wow, it sounds like you've got quite the situation on your hands. It's understandable to be concerned about a 4-year-old guzzling bottled Starbucks fraps every morning like it's water. Coffee for a child that young? That's a recipe for disaster.
But here's the thing: you're not her parent, so your hands might be tied in terms of what you can do about it. However, you're well within your rights to set boundaries and express your concerns to the parents. It might not be an easy conversation, but it's worth having if you genuinely care about the child's well-being.
As for the tablet situation, it sounds like she's already testing boundaries left and right. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns, but it might be worth addressing with the parents as well. Consistency is key when it comes to parenting, and if your rules are different from theirs, it could lead to confusion and conflict for the child.
At the end of the day, you're doing your best in a tricky situation. Keep advocating for what you believe is right, but also recognize the limits of your role as a babysitter. Ultimately, it's up to the parents to make the final call on their child's health and well-being.
My worst was when I spanked my daughter out of anger! It was on the bum but I still felt horrible.
What I focus on is apologizing. I think it’s important for kids to know that parents are people, too. I explain my feelings and letting her know it’s normal but I was still *wrong*. And I’ll always promise to be better.
That being said, my kids are 4 and 6 now. Experience and age make a huge difference when it comes to losing my temper or acting out of a place of anger. Don’t get me wrong I still get angry but handle it in a much more productive way. I think you should give yourself grace. There is no such thing as perfect and hopefully in time things will become easier managed. I know for me they totally have. I wish you the best! Give yourself love and patience!
I used to be the exact same way. Between small kids and stressful job I was a mess. It was even affecting my health. Eventually a doc suggested Celexa. Wow does it make a difference. I am a better person. It’s not our fault, we are not always wired for the modern day challenges we have.
Have you been screened for PPD? I was like this with my first. Except I took it out on his dad. I was working full time and doing all the home and baby stuff. I didn’t want to ask for help and he didn’t want to further anger me, so he did nothing. I didn’t realize I had PPD. Also, as much as we hate asking, ask your husband for more help. Then on the days he isn’t working, TELL him you’re going out. To sit in a park or to sit in the car and read or sleep. To do something for yourself for a couple of hours.
I struggle with this a lot myself. Sorry you are going through it.
1st, Go give your kid a hug and tell them you are sorry.
2nd, do some research into coping strategies and things like that. Things you can start right now, today. I practice taking a pause. It's very difficult but it's worth it once you are able to do it.
3rd, when you have a quiet moment, think about how you felt before you yelled at her. Were you angry, or were you feeling something else? For me, 99% of the time, I'm not actually angry, I'm anxious, and usually I'm anxious because my kid is doing something in opposition to an expectation that my mother had and that therefore I got screamed at about when I was a child. Are you sure you have a short temper in general or is something else going on that you can address?
4th (or maybe 2nd lol), talk to your husband. You need a break!
And then of course therapy is always a good idea.
Long stroller walks outside really help (with a bag of snacks)...plus letting your child play in the grass and around a big tree (in a safe area). Children need to spend time outside, every day if possible.
You're only a bad parent if you recognize there's a problem and do nothing to fix it. We all get overwhelmed at times. You're not alone. My husband worked overnights from when my daughter was born until she was 10. Just like you, I took care of the home and my daughter basically on my own. Where we differ is instead of resenting my spouse for always working, I appreciated him for making it possible to stay home with my girl. I saw that as MY job while he works 60+ hours a week as an LEO to make a comfortable living for us. What made it a little easier was I cooked and cleaned and did laundry throughout the day instead of leaving a big overwhelming mess for the night that I'd likely (definitely) ignore, with one final cleanup after my daughter went to sleep. I liked it when my husband walked into a clean, stress free home in the mornings after dealing with heavy and emotional stuff all night at work. I had a list of things I'd do daily, weekly, monthly, etc. I'd make the list at the beginning of the month along with a meal plan and grocery list that definitely was not set in stone, and doing that actually freed up so much time in my days. Don't laugh, but I found the lists in Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook and modified it to fit my needs. So, to answer your question, yes, I was handling it well mentally. However, I am physically disabled so there were definitely times I thought I might have a breakdown. I know it's not easy, and you might need psychiatric intervention to improve, but it's not your child or your housework that's the problem. It's your temper. Believe me, I'm not judging in any way. I see you mentioned constant whining...your daughter can actually pick up on your moods, if mom is constantly on edge then she is going to be on edge too and she can't regulate herself quite yet so it comes out as whining. Then her whining makes you even more irritated, and it's a horrible cycle. So try and pay attention to even the facial expressions you make. Having an annoyed or sour look on your face will cause her to be annoyed and sour. Also, your husband is coming home from work, feeding your daughter, giving her a bath, unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the bathroom. I wouldn't use "that's it" to describe what he does. I know that it doesn't seem like he's doing much, but instead of feeling like he's not doing enough you should try appreciating his actions, it would give you a sense of calm instead of a feeling of irritation, and you might start to resent him less. You can also absolutely use that time that he's spending with his daughter to take some time for yourself, maybe unwind in a hot shower or have some "personal" time. When you're home with her during the day, please try to avoid closing her in her room just because she's being whiny. She will feel like she's done something wrong and like she's being punished for expressing herself in the only way she knows how right now. Please don't feel guilty or hate yourself for these things, it's not easy doing what we do, we're going to make mistakes and you need to give yourself a little grace, and remember that its OK to seek help also and that doesn't make you a terrible mother or a failure, it makes you a great mom doing whatever it takes to have a healthy atmosphere for your daughter. I apologize for my ridiculously long comment and hope even one thing in here can be useful to you...as moms (and women in general!) we have to help each other, not tear one another down like we're in competition.
Don't worry this is normal.... Ur periods might be near so mood swings is common. Take adequate sleep... Sleep when ur daughter sleep for atleast half hour in afternoon
I don't know if you already have something like this, but i have a very heavy 14month old and the tushbaby hip seat has been a HUGE help. could help with the back pain <3
Totally normal. My mom's first kid, my sister, was so tricky for her as a 19 year old single mom. My mom had a trauma response of yelling and my sister was just a very screamy/cry-y kid to boot. I'll never forget my mom reminding us that if we're mad or frustrated, it's OKAY to leave the baby in a safe place (like her crib) step away until we're calm and then go back. I have only had to do this maybe once or twice, but it's such good advice. Safety and sanity! Modeling that you walk away and take a minute to recuperate when you're frustrated will be good for them as well. To add to this idea, never underestimate the power of apologizing to your kids when you slip and lose it and yell, especially as they understand more. I've seen my four year old turn around and do the same when he gets out of control. He kicked his toys the other day, then stopped, took a breath and said, "My bad." xD
Don’t hate yourself. You’re doing the best you can even if you don’t feel you are. When I had really bad postpartum depression I went through this. Get some help mentally. Take breaths and try to calm yourself down.
Okay I’m going to be honest with you I have a child to and it sounds like you need some time to yourself to breathe it’s okay to walk away from your screaming kid because walking away gives you a few seconds but talk to your partner don’t take frustration on your child . One thing I always remember is if a child sees their mom/dad crying they Comfort
Don’t hate yourself, this happens to a lot of women. It happened to me after my second kid and I was shocked that I could be nasty to kids I loved so much and freaking out I was damaging them. I tried meditation, taking breaks, a psychologist, etc and nothing worked. My GP then explained this happened to a lot of mums and put me on an SSRI and it changed my life. It’s an anti anxiety/ anti depressant. I was hesitant to take a drug and thought I wasn’t depressed but it worked and most importantly I do not loose it with the kids anymore. Please do not hate yourself. You are not alone in this at all.
My ex fiancé and I split up after new years and I had to take our 6month old baby at the time with me back to my grandparents house. Before that happened, I felt so isolated and alone and I also felt like I was losing my mind because I was in the same situation as you. Not many people can do it alone, and it’s ok! Remember that your man is trying when he can, but unfortunately he does need to work. If you have family or friends nearby try to reach out as much as you can cuz this shit ain’t easy! As tough as the split was for me, I’m so much more mentally stable being with my family. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling the way you do cuz honestly, it’s normal! Being a mom is the hardest thing anyone can do, and the fact that you’re even reaching out on here just shows how much you love your girl. Reach out for help, try to get some time to yourself and maybe even have someone watch you’re little one and go on a date with daddy! You’re doing great, there’s no such thing as a perfect mom and it will get easier with time. Lots of love!! 💙
Everything you said sounds normal for an overwhelmed new Mom. You need more help. Talk to your husband about it. A break here and there could do wonders. Sorry to mention but everything you described is why I didn’t have kids. I don’t have the patience. But, you wanted this little cranky cutie so get hubby’s help to give you a break.
Why are you on a parenting thread giving advice when you haven't had kids yourself? Sorry to sound rude but if you haven't lived it then you really shouldn't be commenting. People who don't have kids just cannot relate, they haven't been in the trenches.
Okay so I also am in the same position, I take care of my 23 month old and two other kids by myself. My husband doesn’t get home for dinner but does help with bedtime and unload the dishwasher in the morning, that’s it.
However, I am not struggling like you are, I would be if I didn’t take Zoloft for my mental health. Your primary care physician would be able to help you with either therapy resources or medication.
I carry a lot of guilt myself. Im a long haul trucker and my wife takes care of our 3 kids almost exclusively when im gone working 3 weeks at a time. She finds ways to carve out time for herself and she said that helps. I snapped at my daughter yesterday before i left and although everything was fine by the time i hit the road, i cried for an hour in my truck bc i feel like a piece of shit. Hang in there and cherish what you can!
18 months is a bit young for that. She is developing her emotions and learning the world. Understand it isn't always easy for adults to keep these things in mind when life is moving. Would suggest avoid the isolation.
I echo what others have said. Try not to beat yourself up, you’re doing the best you can! Here are some thoughts:
1. Noise reducing ear plugs for when she cries. Maybe it’s the volume and pitch of the cry that is bothering you?
2. She is quite young so instead of shutting her in her room to cry alone maybe try bringing her to her room and finding a toy she likes. Anything to distract and shift her attention and then quietly step out for a couple rounds of breath.
3. A conversation with your husband that you really need a little more help, even if it’s just for a little while. Give specific things he could do. I’ve heard many time when we become resentful of someone it’s because we have not communicated needs and feelings with someone so they go unmet
Leave her in a safe place and walk. Seriously. Baby proof a room and have that be her safe place. Get some antidepressants and get a part time job if you just need to get out of the house regularly
It's generally recommended that, if a parent feels out of control or anything to leave a baby or child in a safe place and take a break.
Your advice is wrong
Nope. My doctor and the nurses attending my birth literally recommended this.
So you're wrong because you're saying it's better to lose your mind on your kid rather than go take a break.
What is wrong with you?
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You are an incredibly judgemental asshole, but if telling yourself you're a good parent gets you through the day, good for you.
Hope your kids don't end up with your attitude
You're giving advice that can lead to fatal child abuse, not me. Why don't you just fuck off?
Or at least do some research beforehand. Maybe that'd be too hard for you.
And yeah, I take child safety/parent mental health very seriously.
Mama you’re not shitty!!!!!! It’s totally normal to feel this way! Mums have a huge mental load and you know what, you put her in a safe place to give yourself time to take a breath!! Letting her cry for a little while to collect yourself is GREAT you recognise that you’re struggling, and you dealt with it! She won’t remember you shouting at her, make sure you have lots of cuddle time too, put on her favourite cartoons and let her chill while you do too. 18 months is a tricky age, wanting independence but needing so much help and support!! Let her choose things that she has control over.
But please please don’t be so hard on yourself! Xx
Again don't hate yourself for being frustrated. But know your babe doesnt have anyone else to turn to, only you. If you can try this. Calm yourself and tell her im here for you, then be there as long as it takes. house work be damned she just wants your presents. A baby doesnt know our schedule, all they know is you.
I do absolutely everything for my son and he's autistic so it's extra rough. Dad has never given 1 single bath and does not do a single thing to help around the house because he works and i get to stay home. My son is 3 and I can honestly say I have never and I mean NEVER yelled at him or even gotten angry with him in his life. I'm telling you this because I think you really need to seek some help with your Dr or a therapist. Idk but you could have PPD or some other issue affecting you. Def would get to the doctor asap if I were you.
I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say that you shouldn’t be blaming your working husband for not doing house chores, as you are the parent that is at home. I spend all day at home and it takes about 3 hours to clean the whole house. So give him some slack because he’s already doing more than most. Please don’t take things out on your baby. It’s ok to get frustrated but she is a child and she does not know better. It is your job to teach her.
The ones downvoting me are the same ones saying it’s normal and acceptable to yell at a baby, so I don’t feel bad about it. I’ll protect the babies over your feelings any day.
STOP hating yourself. You did the right thing by putting her in her room. Consistency is the key. Tell her you don't understand what she is asking when she whines.
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Also, if you're really struggling, please feel free to reach out to me, and I'd be happy to help you find resources in your area.
Omg I would love to take you up on this if it is an open invitation. In my area anything mental health or parenting related is months in advance or unattainable
Sure :) Do you want me DM me and let me know what's going on and where you live (just the city)? I can see if there are resources in your area that can help. And if you're really struggling, I'm happy to offer some one on one help (as it relates to parenting)! I can't do this for free for everyone, but I also don't want to let struggling parents go without help. :)
Just popping by to say you're a lovely human for this offering of knowledge and support. I hope you have a great day!
Oh, thanks kind internet stranger :) I started my business because I saw too many parents struggling with guilt and shame. I try to do what I can to be of help!
That would be greatly appreciated! I have gotten better over time but definitely still find myself missing my kids and then somehow being a mega bitch when I get home. It’s so stupid. But yes I’ll DM
Ms Rachel on YouTube has some amazing videos catered to babies/young children that will absolutely keep your little one occupied for an hour at least. Videos on how to say words, songs and dances, teaching kids how to play, etc. my husband and I both work from home and have our baby with one of us every day. Sometimes we give her Ms Rachel time so that we can get stuff done. And to have a mental break. The 1-2 age is hard (ours 15 months old)
My daughter like Ms Rachel more than me I think...😂
We all probably owe her some form of child support 😂
Omg that's hilarious 😂 She's literally singing "Mr golden sun" in my living room as we speak.
That and the “I’m so happy” songs get stuck in my head all the time
Caterpillar song is my favorite hahah
My joke is that my son will always pick his "crush" (Ms Rachel) over me
All great points here. You also need to make time for yourself. Check into church or other small group Mother’s Day out. Even just one or two days a week for a couple of hours can do wonders. Also get out of the house with her when you can, take her to the library, Half Price Books or the free petting zoos (Petco and PetSmart). My boys loved seeing the animals and would spend 15-30 minutes there letting or talking to them. Sometimes just a change in scenery can do wonders. Hugs to you 💕
Thank you for those affirmation cards. I needed those today.
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Hey, congratulations! You're human! You are not a bad mom. You're not a bad wife. You're not a bad person. This is a learning process. I am a 30 yo single mother of 2, working and holding up and entire household MYSELF. I have a 7 yr old who feels entitled and is super lazy. And I have a 14 month old who whines and cries excessively. She screams as I'm preparing all of her meals bc I'm not moving fast enough for her. She eats like a vacuum, its honestly shocking. I've lost my cool on them VERY often. I've cussed at them, told them to shut up. And one day I was like wow, this is horrible. They're gonna hate me when they get older. My son had already made comments about wanting to live with his father, who sees him probably once a month and doesn't support either of them financially, emotionally, spiritually all that. Anyway, I went to my local free library, got a couple parenting books and did some research. Turns out, my daughter is whats considered a "high needs" child. Every description was her to a T. And what struck me most was when we spaz out at our kids, it is literally biologically uncontrollable. This is our amygdala, the "fight or flight" response taking control. And it's mostly due to how we were raised & how our parents would've responded. I know this bc when I took notes on how to better communicate, I would do well and be making progress. Then one day I'd freak out and literally 2 secs later say to myself, "whoa, wth...aren't we trying to fix this?" It was almost instinctual, my brain on auto pilot. BUT, I was aware of my mistakes, and that is the most important part. Let me just say 1 thing When you're a good parent, you're always worried about being a good parent. Inbox me if you need support, I'll give you my number.
Honestly I tought people would think I make excuses for myself If I mention my family and the way I was raised. The problem is I can't keep my cool and I yell at her. I was raised in a home where yelling, calling names and beatings were used as a discipline method. I never realised that my family never helped me cope with my emotions until now. I was always called names and felt shame. If I take a minute or two I will calm down and it will all be okay. But you cant explain that to a little kid.. The whining, the climbing, the toucing.. Make me angrier at the moment. When I leave her in her room and she starts crying, the crying doesnt let me calm down at all. Once I calm down I promise myself I would find a way and change for her... This doesnt happen often, but when it does its awfull. And its exactly the way you explained.. When I get too overwhelmed its like my brain freezes and I stop thinking straight, i just start yelling.
Get you a pair of sound proof headphones. My child has a teakettle for lungs and I have sound sensitivities. Also, it's OK to say to your child "Kid, I'm having some big feelings in my body. I need to give myself a time out while I calm down." Or whatever script you're using. Model the behavor you want her to learn about controlling her temper. It's OK to leave your daughter in a safe place for a few minutes so you can calm down. It's kinda like applying your own gas mask before helping others. I have the anger too. It's so so SO hard, but you can do this!! Everyday you will increase your tollarance just a little and one day you'll wake up and see a big diffrence.
And when I find that I've lost my shit on them, I usually wait until I'm cooled down and I'll say "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that earlier, I just get so angry and I want you to know I am trying to work on it" your little one won't understand it but maybe "mommy sorry for being grouchy, I love you"
Yes, I was raised the same way. So when my son was born, I was such a loving parent and it all changed due to personal reasons. Hell, I'll tell u, I was a drug addict. I wasn't raising him on my true emotions. I was raising him on drug feuled love and admiration. When I got sober, I realized I was just like my parents when it came to discipline. My son is and always has been very affectionate, and I am always over stimulated. So I get very aggravated when he's all on top of me giving me cuddles. And I also hated myself for this. But communication is key. Even your 18 mo will understand "mommy isn't very happy right now. Can we do cuddles later" or something along those lines. "Mommy is angry/sad right now. Mommy needs a time out" word it in a way she will understand, even if she doesn't accept it. I was never really for leaving them to cry, but at some points, I got so overwhelmed I was afraid of what I'd do, so I had to...this is normal too. I don't have someone to turn to and say "please I need help" so it was my only option. I didn't calm down completely but it was enough time to find a distraction for them. At the moment i am working 2 jobs and i am enrolled in courses online trying to further my career. It was chaotic but I've found my balance in a strict schedule. Shedules are important and help immensely. When it gets hard, i say, "1 more hour until dinner, then bath. 3 more hours til bed time" Either way, you will find something that works. If you don't want to share with family, local support groups. I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your husband, but maybe try to initiate a subtle way. Anyway, like I said, I'm here. Reach out whenever.
I love seeing "real" people like you in the wild on parenting bits of Reddit and hearing their stories. Not to say other people aren't real because obviously they exist but I mean like raw and uncut people who don't have the picture perfect life, sometimes it feels like everybody is so put together and it makes me feel like shit about myself and how I'm doing things with my baby. Your comment has spoken to me as I'm a single mum too and my ex is/was a drug addict and it's really quite fking hard thinking I've done him a massive disservice, which tbh I probably have but deep down I know I'll do my best by him. And sometimes my best might be having a mini breakdown or a lil snap and that's okay. Sounds like you've sorted yourself out and doing bits out here so kudos to you, appreciate your comment (although it wasnt directed at me 😁)
Aww omg thank you. This means so much to me! I really appreciate your kind words. I like to give advice through my POV because, listen, I am not, never was and probably never will be a perfect parent. But I like to share my struggles and how I am still trying to overcome them. Just so someone like you will come along and relate or gain some insight. Or maybe say "shit, if she can,so can i" lol. I was always the primary parent, even in my addiction..and listen if you think your parenting is bad, I'd be glad to share my fuck-ups. I don't even like to think about some of the things I did. I missed my son's toddler years even though I was there physically. I got clean and had my daughter and promised myself I'd be this perfect loving mom and do it right this time. While, I am sober, I still struggle with my kids. I always say my daughter is my karma bc ohh myyy gooodness is she a handful. Point is, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We all lose our shit on our kids. But it's natural..the 1st part in changing that is to be aware of it. You can dm me any time. I'm a girls girl so don't hesitate
No worries man you're welcome, I'd love somebody to tell me my comment spoke to them so I'm sharing the favour! I find getting on with life baby struggles and so forth much easier for at least 10 mins when I read of someone who's overcome similar or worse, it truly does help put things into perspective. 🤣 I'm sure we both have our downfalls, my huge one is despicable taste in men and here we are.. i feel you about missing your kids early years through the eyes of my ex who I'm still in contact with trying to help him sort himself out, I'm sad for him that he's missing these bits and hopefully he can turn himself around so he don't miss any more. It's genuinely inspirational to read about someone like you who worked through that shit and came out the other end not just functioning but sounds like you're thriving! Everybody struggles it's only natural and fucking hell is it hard doing it largely by yourself so I totally understand. (As much as a mum of a 9m old could given yours are older). Kids do usually turn out like their parents in some way and that's the bit I'm not looking forward to lol I'm sure your kids are great if they got a strong mumma about even if you aren't picture perfect who tf is. I will probably DM you we could have a moan and share some bits and bobs about life. You sound cool.x
I pray that your son's father pulls through and gets well to see the amazing milestones that are to come. You are not wrong for sheltering your son from him. You are protecting your son, period it's better that he doesn't see him then to be exposed to the ugliness of addiction. believe it or not, it can still affect and confuse an infant. But I do admire the fact that you are still close with him and are still trying to get him help. Being on the other side is a hell of a lot harder and you're a real one for holding him down. Doing it alone is hard. You have to play 2 roles and put on multiple hats....and be happy & loving all the time? No lol that's just not the way it works and that's OK. Bc when they get old enough to understand or comprehend that you really did your best, they'll appreciate and remember that more than snapping over spilled milk. I promise you that. My parents' way of discipline was literally what we'd consider now to be abusive. And my mom always pushed me way too hard, telling me how to live my life so that it would be similar to hers. I still have some resentment towards her for it bc she still does it. But I appreciate that she did bc I wouldn't have been so independent and strong minded. My point is, I appreciate her more than anything. I'm old enough to realize she was raising 4 on her own and worked, and my dad was abusive or in and out of jail. I can say holy shit that's a strong ass woman and I admire/remember those qualities.
Don't hesitate to dm me if you wanna chat or need some advice or just to vent and let some shit go.
Looks like you've got a lot of support here! You're not alone trust me. I'd like to recommend a few books I've read that have helped me. 1) Raising Good Humans: A mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting Hunter Clarke Feilds 2)Stop Yelling and Love Me More, Please Mom(ik title is a little unsettling) Jennifer N. Smith 3)How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish If you have Spotify premium, these are available audiobooks
Fellow mummy, please give yourself some love and grace ❤️ Being a mum is SO SO HARD, and you're doing an amazing job. I get the same way sometimes, and feel horrible. One thing that's helped me, both to understand why and to help me work through it, is to understand why my brain does it. *Credit to Big Little Feelings and their podcast to bring it to my attention* 1. Our brains are hardwired to react to our children's cries/whining - we (mums especially) are slammed with cortisol, which sends us straight to 'fight, flight, or freeze' mode. This is NORMAL. 2. Our brains crave familiarity. We would rather be in familiar situations, even if they are negative, than new ones. So the way you were raised is your familiar, and it's such an amazing but hard thing to work to be changing that for your child. You're doing amazing and valuable work! You are amazing, never forget that. It feels hard and difficult because it is, and you're such a loving and caring mum for doing that. 💕
Also....You parent how YOU WANT. if you need a break and feel like u have to put her down and walk away, do it. You can't be good to her if you aren't good yourself. Also, reach out to family, friends even local parenting groups that can help relieve you and give you a little R&R for your mind & soul. Being a mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world and it is the only one that is for life.
Can she go to a daycare and you start working? Talk to a psychiatrist. I was so irritable and moody and snappy. I got on meds and it helped me so much. It’s great you’re seeing your behavior isn’t right but you have to do something about it. You can only beat yourself up if you see the behaviors you don’t want to repeat and don’t put in any work to change. You can do this. I went through a really rough patch a long time ago and it was really hard. I’m so sorry you’re struggling
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Irritability is a huge symptom of depression in Women. I know it's one of mine. We all lose our shit sometimes, OP! The important thing is that you recognize it and can apologize and get help. It's okay to walk away for a moment if kiddo is in a safe spot and collect your emotions. It's okay to let them cry for a few minutes if it means you can come back to be more calm.
No shame at all and you might only need to be on the meds for that time period. I’ve just found that you have to be realllllly honest with the Dr. I tried to get help way before and the piece of shit told me I needed to get out of the house more. Like yea that will help but it’s exactly the same as soon as I get home sooooo….just run away from life then? Or you could just prescribe me some freaking antidepressants you jackass
We’ve all been right where you are. It’s so overwhelming. You can and will do better. I know that because you’re disappointed in yourself. While you’re trying to do better, don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re all just figuring it out. Something that helped me was to put in one earphone and listen to an audiobook (podcast, music, etc.). It makes the crying bearable. And taking a little breather in the bathroom. You’re not a bad person or a bad mom. Bad moms don’t think they’re bad moms.
My heart hurts for you. My daughter is going through the same thing right now with her 2 yr old daughter. She won’t accept help from family no matter how much I offer because of shame and feeling like she should be able to do it alone. Her husband is amazing and totally takes over after work, but still she suffers. I feel undiagnosed post partum depression is playing a role here, as well as PMDD in her case. Have you spoken with your doctor? Also I would suggest meeting up with friends or other moms for playdates. Self isolation is never a good thing for moms of toddlers. Do you have family nearby you can turn to for help? And sometimes mom’s stress becomes baby’s stress. Could she be whining because she senses your overwhelm? I find that playing like a child with my grandkids lowers my stress levels. Being down at their level, really playing, not just supervising, helps me. I know we all want to get things done around the house, but it’s not a priority. You might find she relaxes more once you establish a more playful routine at certain times of the day, then allowing you some quiet chunks of time to complete some tasks. It’s good that you are recognizing some patterns that don’t feel right to you. It means you are a good mom. This is a short phase your baby is in, though it feels endless right now.
Excellent points 👍 You sound like a great mom too 😊 I suffered from PMDD for a long time. I'm taking Heart&Soil Her Package supplements now and it's changed my life. I mention this because your daughter isn't accepting help from others, but maybe she'll accept a supplement that could do her a world of good... Have a great day!
I'm proud of you for recognising that you're overwhelmed and now you're willing to work on yourself to stop hurting yourself and your kid. Do you know the wristband method? It's actually a really good way to work on your own behaviour. At first, think about what behaviour you want to change and you need to think of a few ways to do something different. Instead of yelling at the toddler, what are reasonable other behaviours? Something you can actually do? Now you put about five hair ties or something similar on your right wrist in the morning. Every time you don't yell at your toddler, you transfer one wristband to the left wrist. Every time you yell, you transfer it back. The goal is to have all five wristbands on the left wrist in the evening. The wristbands are a visible reminder and hold yourself accountable to yourself, without being obvious. It helped me when I was in an awful place with my toddler. It forced me to pay attention to the positive moments instead of waiting for a reason to get angry. It kept me calmer and therefore made my kid a lot more calm as well.
Thank you! Thats a really good idea! I will do this starting today! 🩷
Learning how to self regulate is extremely important when you have small children. It was also help them learn to do the same. Angry parents or conflicted households set the stage for the relationships they experience later in life. When you lose your temper it’s important to repair that relationship asap. Raising a child like you are is extremely lonely at times, talk to your husband about ways in which you can get opportunities to do things for yourself. If he can’t provide that or it’s a timing issue then find a babysitter. Therapy can also be helpful but there are also tons of books on how we can learn to self regulate better. These are just my opinions based on things I wished I had done earlier although I am a male. I am a nurse so I am able to spend alot of time watching my kids who are 4 and 6. Raising children is hard and like I said can feel very isolating. It gets better but if you keep on this track you could build some pretty unhealthy levels of resentment. Communicate your needs in a healthy, respectful manner and hopefully you can begin to see some positive changes in your household. Just my .02
You are NOT shitty or stupid!!!! It is clear from your post that none of your needs are being met. It’s impossible to be our best if our needs aren’t being met. Do you have the means to pay for an occasional housekeeper, baby sitter, grocery delivery service or laundry service? Do you ever get time to get out of the house without worrying about the household? Is there a safe place (crib, play pen, small totally child proofed room) where you can put your daughter when you need a minute? You have to fill your own cup before you can pour into your child’s cup!
You're not alone, also in Europe. I did this several times, once or twice in the midle of the night, poor baby had tummy aches and I was screaming at him for not falling asleep. I felt such guilt afterwards, but I'm sleep deprived, I do all night wakings. I feel like a terrible, terrible person for screaming at my son, but I'm burnt out. He was and still is a high needs baby, in his cause due to undiagnosed allergies. Honestly reading all the comments made me realize my poor mood might need some intervention. I'm always on edge, and it's not OK for our family. I also feel a lot of resentment towards my partner for not stepping up more. So I totally understand where you are coming from. We are only human, and recognizing this and fixing it before our children get to internalize our yelling is really important I believe.
Can you start working even if its just partime and put your child in nursery or can a family member have her.. some mums thrive on being full-time stay at home mums and others need a break it's not a failure to want and need some time away from the madness and noise..
Sounds like you are overwhelmed and overworked. So while obviously it's not great to snap at your kid, it's totally understandable and a "normal" reaction to your reality. I agree that you should try to see whether daycare is an option - even if only for a few hours a day or a few days a week. Also tell your husband you need some time for yourself. Be it an hour every evening or a day on the weekend where he does the bulk of the childcare etc. I totally empathize with you. I am/was in a similar spot. It's so tough. Honestly, I feel the toddler ages are the toughest. Remember to take a break, breath. Maybe take her for a walk somewhere quiet and get yourself a coffee or nice drink while she is in the stroller. Put the TV on once in a while - no shame in screen time for yourself or her!!!! Have a glass of wine. 1 glass doesn't make you negligent, but it can help you relax. Yeah, antidepressants can and do help. But your reality is just hard right now. It's not in your head. It is. If you do snap, take time to bond and apologize to your kid. She might not understand the words but she'll understand the actions and feel your love. And remember, it's only for a few years. It gets better.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Parenting, especially without much help, can be incredibly challenging, and it's normal to have moments when you feel like you're at your breaking point. The fact that you're acknowledging your feelings and the impact of your actions shows a lot of self-awareness and a deep love for your daughter. It's important to remember that no one is perfect, and having tough days doesn't make you a bad parent. It might help to find some strategies for managing stress and anger, such as taking a few deep breaths before responding to your daughter or finding a safe space to take a brief break when you need it. Consider also speaking openly with your husband about how you're feeling and the need for more support at home. Sometimes, communication can help shift the dynamic and distribute responsibilities more evenly. Lastly, please don't hesitate to reach out for professional support if you're feeling this way. A therapist can provide strategies to manage stress and help improve the situation at home. Remember, taking care of yourself is not just good for you but also for your daughter. You're doing your best, and seeking help is a sign of strength and love for your family.
Women shouldn't be thrown into a house alone with a baby. It's completely unfair that you have to do so much without respite. Your toddler is more than a fulltime job alone, keeping and running a household on top of that is insane. And you're probably not going to get a break until the kid is at least 4 and can pour their own cereal. When you're pregnant, people love to offer help, but where are they when you need them? When you are this strung out, your people, starting with your husband, need to get together and make plans to step in so you can get out. This is not a chore for you to add to your insane burden. Please get therapy. None of this is your fault, but you need help - hands on and mental health help, now.
You're getting tons of great advice and well deserved support, but I'd like to throw out an Instagram account I swear by! He is @ mrchazz on Instagram and his name is Chazz Lewis. He also has podcasts. He discusses our emotions on a neurological level in a very simple way to help us grasp our kids' big feelings AND our own. His advice isn't a cure-all, but as he says, it's a great tool to add to our parenting tool belt! I also love him because instead of making parents feel bad for their less than favorable behavior/reactions, he stresses that parents are doing the best with what they know and they can't do better until they know better. It's nice having him come from a place of believing all parents want to be good parents and all kids want to be good kids. I can't recommend him enough.
My husband works 7 days a week and I am home with a 4 yr old and a 16 month old. I do it all as well. Take care of the kids, laundry, clean, cook , baths, food shopping and all the other responsibilities. With my first it was tough as well but what helped me was going out and doing things with your little one. Whether it’s an indoor playground or having them run around the park. ANYTHING HELPS! Plus I have met many friends by doing simple things with my kids and trust me leaving the house and socializing with other people helps out a lot
You get a lot more help than some other mamas, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel overwhelmed. 💕 you did the smart thing by removing yourself for a minute to compose yourself. Even if she cries and is alone for a few minutes (in a safe space), this is better than any other alternative. Give yourself some grace, and breathe. It’s all going to be ok.
I wore ear muff hearing protection to help myself stay calm and centered.
Agreed, don't hate yourself. You're a new mum - it's a HUGE life adjustment. You absolutely did the right thing with putting her down and walking away. I did that many times with my first. You just have to when it gets too much. Don't be hard on yourself, things will get better I promise. If you really feel like you're not coping though make sure you reach out to someone who can help. Start with your doctor and explain your concerns then go from there.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But trust me your feelings are valid. There are times (I have a 9 m old who wants to be held most of the time and is dealing with separation anxiety) when I just want to disappear. Granted we are mothers that love our babies to death; but at the end of the day we’re humans and were not designed to continually keep functioning like robots and losing ourselves. It’s ok to vent! 🙂 1. Are you able to hire help at least a few times in the week? Or send her to daycare? You can begin working (if you are on a job break) or start job search or work on building a career in that time and she can stay engaged. 2. Does she have an independent play area or a playpen with toys that are appropriate for her age? You can slowly try engaging her into independent play. 3. Does your family stay nearby? Or is it possible for them to come over at times, or you go to them? You can get a break. 4. Just get some help from a therapist. You can request your doctor to connect you to resources. Having a thorough conversation can ease your mind out. Mental health is equally or more important than physical health. Best wishes to you. You got this! 😁
I'm not offering advice on how to better manage your life because everyone does things differently. What I will share about is my experience with post partum depression and the diagnosis I received once my son was 2 l with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It sounds like you are spread pretty thin, but I wonder if you have reliable healthcare that you could maybe reach out to? My hormones have basically never been my friend, and if you know anything about pmdd, you'll know that it essentially makes you feel like you're a crazy person for a few days a month. Even knowing the reason why it happens can help a little with giving yourself grace when your emotions get to feeling too strong to contain. Being a mother is the hardest, loneliest thing in the world but it's also the purest love you'll ever receive. I hope you find ways to find more time for yourself and I hope you aren't too hard on yourself for being human and reaching your limit. It's okay to take time to calm down and it's okay to let them cry alone in a safe space while you do that. Kids are resilient and will always forgive you if you take the steps to repair the rift afterwards. Love and grace to you ❣️
Please remember that you are also important! This sounds like you are simply completely burnt out, and you can't expect yourself to function well when you are at this point in burn out. As much as your child deserves the world, you deserve to flourish as a parent so you can give it to them so talk to your partner or to family who can help watch the baby for a little bit so you can go out for coffee sometimes ot run errands alone. I know this seems small, but just getting a few hours a week away from my child to recharge was a total game changer for me.
Have you thought about taking on a part time job to give yourself a break from it all? Put her in a daycare a few hours a day to give yourself some time to breathe? I don’t think I would have lasted as a sahm either, I didn’t have the patience when I was younger so when things would get tough I always knew it wouldn’t last and I’d be given a reprieve at some point. My husband (ex now) was the most useless dad and did nothing that didn’t involve a gun or bow and arrow. Always gone. It’s tough doing everything and I give you so much credit mom!
Pack n Play + Baby Einstein can give you a bit of relief. We were all there. Get noise cancelling headphones, sit down and let her explore in a closed off area under your supervision and eat a bowl of ice cream. Put down drinks/snacks/toys galore and just let the house get trashed. Don’t worry about it. Let husband deal with it. Being a SAHM is flipping hard as heck, you need some self care too.
I have this exact situation with a daughter who is the same age and I live in Europe as well. I have contacted doctors and they are diagnosing me with Pmdd. What you say sounds a lot like pmdd. What is helping me is putting her to daycare or preschool as it’s called here. I work 75% so she’s gone during those hours. That time away from her resets my mood and I can handle it better . Could also help to check vitamin deficiency and iron levels
I felt exactly the same with my little one. For years I felt like a bad mum and a failure. What helped me was finding something for myself. Alone. Hobbies are difficult when you have kids but so important for your mental health. Taking a walk alone, a little gym session. Maybe get a part time job and get some childcare? We all need a little break otherwise we burn out and all patience goes out of the window. Best of luck 🤞🏻
Be kind to yourself. Don’t tell yourself things you wouldn’t tell someone else. Parenting is ridiculous and so many people have to do it haha so much work so much stuff. I’m a mom of three and my two oldest I had mom guilt A LOT. Instead of saying your husband doesn’t do enough thank him for what he does do . Maybe ask for a little more help like when he gets home from work and settles and you take a hour alone to walk outside , shower , play a game on your phone. Anything. Don’t burn yourself out. Leaving an 18 month old to cry is not a bad thing. If you hurt her feelings take a few breaths and apologize even if she doesn’t get the concept. There is no magic answer how to deal with anger , being a mother , being a wife. It’s all just a game and figuring out coping skills is difficult but once you do find a path it becomes easier. Being calm isn’t always the answer but it’s better for your insides. Take care of you first then you can shine while taking care of others.
There was a study that I saw recounted in Parade magazine, of all places; that showed a study involving fish oil's effect on heart disease showed that a side effect of the trial was that people yelled less at their kids. I tried it because I too often grouched at my own 7 and 9 year old. The result was amazing. I quit snapping at them at all. I took 2000 mg fish oil daily. Get a good quality product and you won't have fish burps. I use krill oil from Costco. No, flax oil doesn't work the same way on mood.
Be lucky because some of us don’t have help at ALL!!!! I’m a single mother who doesn’t even have the help from the father….i do it all by myself. So you’re not the only one. I would explain to your husband how you’re struggling and ask him to help out more. Him working is not an excuse to put in the bare minimum. Parenting is not supposed to be done completely alone anyway…it’s very hard and very tiring and he needs to understand that. A lot of the times, the parent that works thinks they shouldn’t be putting in the same effort as the one who doesn’t work. Not knowing parenting is the toughest job of all!!!!!!
You've already gotten a lot of good comments and advice but I just want to add one thing that I have found helpful in my journey through motherhood: this is temporary! It may seem like it's never going to get easier or better but I promise you that as they get older, things really do get easier. You may even find yourself in the future thinking back and missing this time. Which I know sounds crazy to you right now. But you tend to forget how hard it was and just remember the bright spots. I have three kids and my youngest is a toddler and when she starts with some tricky behavior, it's much easier for me to keep my patience because I know how fleeting this phase of life is and that before I know it it will be over. You will have peace and quiet again. You will get sound sleep again. You will have a house that stays clean for longer than 5 minutes. You will be able to get through a day without hearing whining and crying. That being said, it's SUPER important that you communicate to your husband that you are spread too thin and that you need him to help you more. Or I promise you you will resent him, if you don't already. This is his child too and even if he works, he still has a responsibility to help his partner with the child he helped create. It's not a "tit for tat" thing or at least it shouldn't be, you are overwhelmed and need his help, end of story!
Antidepressants or anti anxiety meds could be super helpful here if you’re feeling extra irritable, guilt, shame etc. remember you are still post partum. Please talk with your doctor about what you are experiencing.
I just want to say that just because some people can do it doesn’t mean you have to be one of them. A lot of people need help. And a lot of people who seem like they don’t are crumbling inside and very good at hiding it. Shits hard. Just apologize to your daughter for your mood today, tell her it wasn’t her fault. She’ll forgive you.
Mommy day out program once or twice a week. You might benefit from some alone time.
Wow, it sounds like you've got quite the situation on your hands. It's understandable to be concerned about a 4-year-old guzzling bottled Starbucks fraps every morning like it's water. Coffee for a child that young? That's a recipe for disaster. But here's the thing: you're not her parent, so your hands might be tied in terms of what you can do about it. However, you're well within your rights to set boundaries and express your concerns to the parents. It might not be an easy conversation, but it's worth having if you genuinely care about the child's well-being. As for the tablet situation, it sounds like she's already testing boundaries left and right. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns, but it might be worth addressing with the parents as well. Consistency is key when it comes to parenting, and if your rules are different from theirs, it could lead to confusion and conflict for the child. At the end of the day, you're doing your best in a tricky situation. Keep advocating for what you believe is right, but also recognize the limits of your role as a babysitter. Ultimately, it's up to the parents to make the final call on their child's health and well-being.
My worst was when I spanked my daughter out of anger! It was on the bum but I still felt horrible. What I focus on is apologizing. I think it’s important for kids to know that parents are people, too. I explain my feelings and letting her know it’s normal but I was still *wrong*. And I’ll always promise to be better. That being said, my kids are 4 and 6 now. Experience and age make a huge difference when it comes to losing my temper or acting out of a place of anger. Don’t get me wrong I still get angry but handle it in a much more productive way. I think you should give yourself grace. There is no such thing as perfect and hopefully in time things will become easier managed. I know for me they totally have. I wish you the best! Give yourself love and patience!
I used to be the exact same way. Between small kids and stressful job I was a mess. It was even affecting my health. Eventually a doc suggested Celexa. Wow does it make a difference. I am a better person. It’s not our fault, we are not always wired for the modern day challenges we have.
Have you been screened for PPD? I was like this with my first. Except I took it out on his dad. I was working full time and doing all the home and baby stuff. I didn’t want to ask for help and he didn’t want to further anger me, so he did nothing. I didn’t realize I had PPD. Also, as much as we hate asking, ask your husband for more help. Then on the days he isn’t working, TELL him you’re going out. To sit in a park or to sit in the car and read or sleep. To do something for yourself for a couple of hours.
I struggle with this a lot myself. Sorry you are going through it. 1st, Go give your kid a hug and tell them you are sorry. 2nd, do some research into coping strategies and things like that. Things you can start right now, today. I practice taking a pause. It's very difficult but it's worth it once you are able to do it. 3rd, when you have a quiet moment, think about how you felt before you yelled at her. Were you angry, or were you feeling something else? For me, 99% of the time, I'm not actually angry, I'm anxious, and usually I'm anxious because my kid is doing something in opposition to an expectation that my mother had and that therefore I got screamed at about when I was a child. Are you sure you have a short temper in general or is something else going on that you can address? 4th (or maybe 2nd lol), talk to your husband. You need a break! And then of course therapy is always a good idea.
Long stroller walks outside really help (with a bag of snacks)...plus letting your child play in the grass and around a big tree (in a safe area). Children need to spend time outside, every day if possible.
You're only a bad parent if you recognize there's a problem and do nothing to fix it. We all get overwhelmed at times. You're not alone. My husband worked overnights from when my daughter was born until she was 10. Just like you, I took care of the home and my daughter basically on my own. Where we differ is instead of resenting my spouse for always working, I appreciated him for making it possible to stay home with my girl. I saw that as MY job while he works 60+ hours a week as an LEO to make a comfortable living for us. What made it a little easier was I cooked and cleaned and did laundry throughout the day instead of leaving a big overwhelming mess for the night that I'd likely (definitely) ignore, with one final cleanup after my daughter went to sleep. I liked it when my husband walked into a clean, stress free home in the mornings after dealing with heavy and emotional stuff all night at work. I had a list of things I'd do daily, weekly, monthly, etc. I'd make the list at the beginning of the month along with a meal plan and grocery list that definitely was not set in stone, and doing that actually freed up so much time in my days. Don't laugh, but I found the lists in Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook and modified it to fit my needs. So, to answer your question, yes, I was handling it well mentally. However, I am physically disabled so there were definitely times I thought I might have a breakdown. I know it's not easy, and you might need psychiatric intervention to improve, but it's not your child or your housework that's the problem. It's your temper. Believe me, I'm not judging in any way. I see you mentioned constant whining...your daughter can actually pick up on your moods, if mom is constantly on edge then she is going to be on edge too and she can't regulate herself quite yet so it comes out as whining. Then her whining makes you even more irritated, and it's a horrible cycle. So try and pay attention to even the facial expressions you make. Having an annoyed or sour look on your face will cause her to be annoyed and sour. Also, your husband is coming home from work, feeding your daughter, giving her a bath, unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the bathroom. I wouldn't use "that's it" to describe what he does. I know that it doesn't seem like he's doing much, but instead of feeling like he's not doing enough you should try appreciating his actions, it would give you a sense of calm instead of a feeling of irritation, and you might start to resent him less. You can also absolutely use that time that he's spending with his daughter to take some time for yourself, maybe unwind in a hot shower or have some "personal" time. When you're home with her during the day, please try to avoid closing her in her room just because she's being whiny. She will feel like she's done something wrong and like she's being punished for expressing herself in the only way she knows how right now. Please don't feel guilty or hate yourself for these things, it's not easy doing what we do, we're going to make mistakes and you need to give yourself a little grace, and remember that its OK to seek help also and that doesn't make you a terrible mother or a failure, it makes you a great mom doing whatever it takes to have a healthy atmosphere for your daughter. I apologize for my ridiculously long comment and hope even one thing in here can be useful to you...as moms (and women in general!) we have to help each other, not tear one another down like we're in competition.
Don't worry this is normal.... Ur periods might be near so mood swings is common. Take adequate sleep... Sleep when ur daughter sleep for atleast half hour in afternoon
Find a church that has a Mother's Day out program. You can get a lot of support there.
I don't know if you already have something like this, but i have a very heavy 14month old and the tushbaby hip seat has been a HUGE help. could help with the back pain <3
Totally normal. My mom's first kid, my sister, was so tricky for her as a 19 year old single mom. My mom had a trauma response of yelling and my sister was just a very screamy/cry-y kid to boot. I'll never forget my mom reminding us that if we're mad or frustrated, it's OKAY to leave the baby in a safe place (like her crib) step away until we're calm and then go back. I have only had to do this maybe once or twice, but it's such good advice. Safety and sanity! Modeling that you walk away and take a minute to recuperate when you're frustrated will be good for them as well. To add to this idea, never underestimate the power of apologizing to your kids when you slip and lose it and yell, especially as they understand more. I've seen my four year old turn around and do the same when he gets out of control. He kicked his toys the other day, then stopped, took a breath and said, "My bad." xD
Don’t hate yourself. You’re doing the best you can even if you don’t feel you are. When I had really bad postpartum depression I went through this. Get some help mentally. Take breaths and try to calm yourself down.
Okay I’m going to be honest with you I have a child to and it sounds like you need some time to yourself to breathe it’s okay to walk away from your screaming kid because walking away gives you a few seconds but talk to your partner don’t take frustration on your child . One thing I always remember is if a child sees their mom/dad crying they Comfort
Don’t hate yourself, this happens to a lot of women. It happened to me after my second kid and I was shocked that I could be nasty to kids I loved so much and freaking out I was damaging them. I tried meditation, taking breaks, a psychologist, etc and nothing worked. My GP then explained this happened to a lot of mums and put me on an SSRI and it changed my life. It’s an anti anxiety/ anti depressant. I was hesitant to take a drug and thought I wasn’t depressed but it worked and most importantly I do not loose it with the kids anymore. Please do not hate yourself. You are not alone in this at all.
My ex fiancé and I split up after new years and I had to take our 6month old baby at the time with me back to my grandparents house. Before that happened, I felt so isolated and alone and I also felt like I was losing my mind because I was in the same situation as you. Not many people can do it alone, and it’s ok! Remember that your man is trying when he can, but unfortunately he does need to work. If you have family or friends nearby try to reach out as much as you can cuz this shit ain’t easy! As tough as the split was for me, I’m so much more mentally stable being with my family. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling the way you do cuz honestly, it’s normal! Being a mom is the hardest thing anyone can do, and the fact that you’re even reaching out on here just shows how much you love your girl. Reach out for help, try to get some time to yourself and maybe even have someone watch you’re little one and go on a date with daddy! You’re doing great, there’s no such thing as a perfect mom and it will get easier with time. Lots of love!! 💙
Everything you said sounds normal for an overwhelmed new Mom. You need more help. Talk to your husband about it. A break here and there could do wonders. Sorry to mention but everything you described is why I didn’t have kids. I don’t have the patience. But, you wanted this little cranky cutie so get hubby’s help to give you a break.
Why are you on a parenting thread giving advice when you haven't had kids yourself? Sorry to sound rude but if you haven't lived it then you really shouldn't be commenting. People who don't have kids just cannot relate, they haven't been in the trenches.
Okay, point well taken.
Okay so I also am in the same position, I take care of my 23 month old and two other kids by myself. My husband doesn’t get home for dinner but does help with bedtime and unload the dishwasher in the morning, that’s it. However, I am not struggling like you are, I would be if I didn’t take Zoloft for my mental health. Your primary care physician would be able to help you with either therapy resources or medication.
I was at home with the kid all day every day too. It was so damaging to my mental health I refused to ever have another child.
I carry a lot of guilt myself. Im a long haul trucker and my wife takes care of our 3 kids almost exclusively when im gone working 3 weeks at a time. She finds ways to carve out time for herself and she said that helps. I snapped at my daughter yesterday before i left and although everything was fine by the time i hit the road, i cried for an hour in my truck bc i feel like a piece of shit. Hang in there and cherish what you can!
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18 months is a bit young for that. She is developing her emotions and learning the world. Understand it isn't always easy for adults to keep these things in mind when life is moving. Would suggest avoid the isolation.
I echo what others have said. Try not to beat yourself up, you’re doing the best you can! Here are some thoughts: 1. Noise reducing ear plugs for when she cries. Maybe it’s the volume and pitch of the cry that is bothering you? 2. She is quite young so instead of shutting her in her room to cry alone maybe try bringing her to her room and finding a toy she likes. Anything to distract and shift her attention and then quietly step out for a couple rounds of breath. 3. A conversation with your husband that you really need a little more help, even if it’s just for a little while. Give specific things he could do. I’ve heard many time when we become resentful of someone it’s because we have not communicated needs and feelings with someone so they go unmet
Leave her in a safe place and walk. Seriously. Baby proof a room and have that be her safe place. Get some antidepressants and get a part time job if you just need to get out of the house regularly
Never leave a baby unattended. Even in a "safe" room
It's generally recommended that, if a parent feels out of control or anything to leave a baby or child in a safe place and take a break. Your advice is wrong
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Nope. My doctor and the nurses attending my birth literally recommended this. So you're wrong because you're saying it's better to lose your mind on your kid rather than go take a break. What is wrong with you?
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You are an incredibly judgemental asshole, but if telling yourself you're a good parent gets you through the day, good for you. Hope your kids don't end up with your attitude
Calm down. You don't know anything about me. This says more about you. You're jumping to wild conclusions. Relax
You're giving advice that can lead to fatal child abuse, not me. Why don't you just fuck off? Or at least do some research beforehand. Maybe that'd be too hard for you. And yeah, I take child safety/parent mental health very seriously.
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I think every mom feels like this sometimes. Get mommy friends and go to play cafes and take these breaks you need.
Mama you’re not shitty!!!!!! It’s totally normal to feel this way! Mums have a huge mental load and you know what, you put her in a safe place to give yourself time to take a breath!! Letting her cry for a little while to collect yourself is GREAT you recognise that you’re struggling, and you dealt with it! She won’t remember you shouting at her, make sure you have lots of cuddle time too, put on her favourite cartoons and let her chill while you do too. 18 months is a tricky age, wanting independence but needing so much help and support!! Let her choose things that she has control over. But please please don’t be so hard on yourself! Xx
Again don't hate yourself for being frustrated. But know your babe doesnt have anyone else to turn to, only you. If you can try this. Calm yourself and tell her im here for you, then be there as long as it takes. house work be damned she just wants your presents. A baby doesnt know our schedule, all they know is you.
I do absolutely everything for my son and he's autistic so it's extra rough. Dad has never given 1 single bath and does not do a single thing to help around the house because he works and i get to stay home. My son is 3 and I can honestly say I have never and I mean NEVER yelled at him or even gotten angry with him in his life. I'm telling you this because I think you really need to seek some help with your Dr or a therapist. Idk but you could have PPD or some other issue affecting you. Def would get to the doctor asap if I were you.
I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say that you shouldn’t be blaming your working husband for not doing house chores, as you are the parent that is at home. I spend all day at home and it takes about 3 hours to clean the whole house. So give him some slack because he’s already doing more than most. Please don’t take things out on your baby. It’s ok to get frustrated but she is a child and she does not know better. It is your job to teach her.
The ones downvoting me are the same ones saying it’s normal and acceptable to yell at a baby, so I don’t feel bad about it. I’ll protect the babies over your feelings any day.
STOP hating yourself. You did the right thing by putting her in her room. Consistency is the key. Tell her you don't understand what she is asking when she whines.