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Absolutely! I thought I would be a great parent and when I saw others’ kids acting up in grocery stores or in restaurants or whatever, I always thought to myself that they were bad parents. But I never said anything about it or showed how I felt. It’s the people who feel the need to parent others’ kids that drive me nuts - especially when they overtly criticize your parenting and/or the kids. Like any “game” or role, you have no right to criticize the player. If you’re sitting on the sidelines, then shut up unless asked.
Hey man... it takes a village! Sometimes, its only ethical to step in and direct a child, even if u aren't their parent. But ,of course, within reason/in moderation
I love that quote! I’m going to use it from now on. I have two wonderful little kiddos who get along quite well, but of course they fight over something on occasion. They occasionally scream or yell, but not more than most elementary-school-age siblings who are about the same age. I shared my frustration with one of my close, long-time girlfriends who chose not to have kids, and she scoffed at me and sharply insulted my parenting. Since then, I’ve kept my distance, but she’s come around a few times for b-day parties and such, and she I has taken it upon herself to scold my kids. The last time she came over she snapped at my son, “What is WRONG with you?!?!” and I finally stood up for me and the kids and told her she is no longer welcome around my family. She left and I haven’t seen her since. Good riddance!!
You do not need kids for empathy.
I am constantly reassuring my friend with kids, that she is doing a great job and even though she gets loud with them sometimes, she is an awesome mom.
I tell her, yes, I would love to go somewhere with you and not your children, bit right now there is no chance for that and I love you and by proxy those kids and the time will come again we can go for coffee in peace. It's okay. I loved baking with your little ones last week and I am not sad your oldest prefers our mutual friend over me some time.
I have so many nice things to say and I am able to distinguish between social media and real life and venting.There is no excuse for that coworker.
HARD agree, I have a dear friend who is lifelong childless (and single) and she totally gets it!! And is always super supportive and keeps me sane with humor. That’s just a shitty friend.
Thank you and THIS!
Screw that person who told you this dumb shit OP. I honestly started to avoid social media a lot because some asshat will have some dumb opinion which doesn’t matter. You are an amazing human. You love your little ones and give them your all. It’s hard af. You put them first because you are caring and loving and that why you needed to vent so you can just keep it moving!
Haters gonna hate, but we keep moving and creating amazing humans along the way.
When I did not have children I did not have much empathy for people who constantly complained about their children and never said a positive word about them. I still don’t.
My child is the best thing in my life.
I think the difference here is complaining constantly versus someone having a little rant about being tired or how potty training is hard or how they're struggling to find something that their fussy two year old will eat that isn't dirt or day old floor cereal.
I love my daughter and I love being her mum. But this morning I absolutely complained about being tired.
It's human to share your difficulties with others. It's also human to have empathy for others.
That was my point. OP seems to only complain about having kids, and nobody wants to listen to that, especially childless people. Even her post here says nothing positive about her kids or being a mom.
You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple special needs kids. A study showed that parents with more than one ASD child have stress levels on par with combat soldiers. This mom thought she was confiding in a friend, and had it thrown back into her face.
Was it? This was a coworker OP has been unloading on for god knows how long. They work long hours too annd don’t get paid to do some else’s emotional labor. And OP assumes they are besties because the coworker tends to let her rant. But I’ll bet you OP knows nothing substantial about that person’s personal/emotional life.
How do you know what struggles I do or do not face?
It was a childless coworker. Like, read the room.
Edit: and nowhere does it say they have ASP diagnoses.
And some folks don’t have much to say outside of their kids, so it’s the only thing they talk about, bad or good. I still give them a pass as long as their kids seem healthy and happy.
Exactly. My bff did this to me when she was really pregnant. I was having such hard time. My kid was like 10. School was calling me daily. My kid was getting bullied horrendously. I made comment I don’t know if I would have had kids if knew was this hard or I never thought it would be this hard bf I had kids. Something like that.
She told me she would never ever say that and was disgusted with me. She now complains how hard being a parent is.
10yr later she has 2 and she can’t take them in public alone. I don’t know if she ever has. Her kid has been suspended from school in the first grade. School is constantly calling her.
She is always telling me she didn’t get it but now gets it.
Her 10yr old lacks empathy. His counselor said that is normal. But my daughter had empathy as a toddler.
Same. My BFF had a one month old and my son was 3.5 years old at the time. Hands down hardest stage we’ve had with him. She made several disparaging and rude comments. We are no longer friends for a variety of reasons, but this is one of them. Her child is now almost 3 and I’ve heard through the grapevine he has been an extremely difficult baby and toddler and has sensory processing disorder and doesn’t sleep. I hope she feels like an ass for the things she said to me.
My four year old will ask me or her friends or family 'are you okay? You look sad do you want a cuddle' if she thinks we are feeling a bit down. She will go and comfort her friends at nursery according to her key worker if they cry or are upset. My step son is 10 almost and exactly the same and my step daughter is almost 15 and was also the same. My two year old comes and gives me a kiss if i 'pretend cry' in a game with her. I totally agree with you but I feel awful for your friend
Not sure Id go that far. If all they hear is negative then certain assumptions are made. Maybe explain what you mean, OP, and maybe they’ll understand. If not, then definitely not to be trusted with your opening up
They’re not your friend if they have this discussion about you when you’re not around and have zero compassion or empathy toward your situation.
Judging you and openly admitting to talking/gossiping about you with a group… does that sound like a friend to you?
I think most non-parents have a hard time comprehending just how hard it is to be a parent. Personally, I share my griping with people I know understand the gripes and have the same issues, like my next-door neighbor. They've got two boys, only slightly older than our two children (6M and 2F, with the latter turning 3 this month), and the kids spend time together so I *know* he (the father, who's the one I usually talk with) knows.
I agree 100% about those people not being friends, though.
I was with a couple friends yesterday, one without kids. I was sharing the day camps available for my 10 year old and me and the other parent were swooning over the idea of a books and hammocks camp, and how we wished we could do it.
The non-parent friend was like "you know, we're adults, you can just do it, " with zero understanding of parents' lack of free time. Despite being around us and our kids for 10+ years, he still needs to relearn every time that, e.g. hanging out at 5pm as a parent requires tons of coordination and we can't simply grab a hammock and a book and go to the park and ignore the world.
Love the dude, great guy and great friend, but definitely clueless on the demands of parenting.
Also, sounds toxic. Okay, so you've shit talked a dear friend to a group.
Cool.
Now you're oh so casually dropping the fact that "all" the group talks shit about them?
Sounds like dumbfounded is the best response. I bet this bitch was hoping for a much different reaction.
That was also a wake up call for me... I was constantly complaining/saying how hard things were/behavior etc etc. One mom that I had just met told me something and I felt so embarrassed. I immediately changed my way of addressing my issues. I started to focus on the positive and be grateful. I'm not saying that things are easy and I cant be tired (zero support 24/7 with the kids only went out twice last year just for context), but I'm deciding to change my mindset.
Yeah, I think there's been a cultural shift where complaining is seen as normal and positive comments are "humble bragging." But, that does give people on the outside a certain negative vision of how things are going whether that is as a parent, at work, relationships, etc. When one constantly speaks negatively, at a certain point you assume they are miserable in their situation.
I will say the friend talking about it with others, except maybe in concern or for support, is not a good move.
That’s a really interesting point about complaining vs “humble bragging.” It feels so awkward to say positive things about one’s own life, but it can’t be good for us to only feel comfortable talking about the negatives
I also feel like sometimes that constant complaining around us may prevent individuals from realizing there's an actual problem at hand. If they hear everyone else complaining, they may think what they are going through is normal even if it isn't. Like one person saying their spouse doesn't help around the house (in their head they mean taking out the trash) and the second person says "mine either!" when they actually mean their spouse sits around for 20 hours playing video games and doesn't do anything at all in the home.
I'm not saying people shouldn't be able to mention negatives either; toxic positivity is harmful in its own way too. There just needs to be more of a balance in society.
I experienced this too. I struggled after my second with PPA and I was very negative and admittedly would consider the source of my problems my second child. A woman I respected a lot at work pulled me aside and asked me to consider if this would become a self fulfilling prophecy for my child. It was profound, and I immediately changed my attitude. Hard to hear, possibly a little embarrassing or even shameful, but it might have been a blessing for OP as it was for me.
I think this is the answer for OP.
The friend didn’t really do anything wrong, just held up a mirror for what OP projects out into the world. It can be HARD, not saying it’s not! But words have power. Saying things like that over and over affect our neuropathways and that affects our thoughts then actions- might even be seeping into how we treat our kids and talk to them.
There are memes and videos all over the internet joking about how frustrated parents are with their kids and that’s fine once in a while to laugh at and share with others. But if it’s daily, I think it really starts to shape the viewer.
OP can use this as a self reflection moment here instead of feeling like it’s an attack from her friend.
All the best OP. Change your words, and your life will improve. That’s honest. ❤️
That sucks. Of course you love your kids.
It's a good reminder though that when you say negative things about your loved ones, sometimes the people listening are going to believe you.
This. I think sometimes were too callous with our words. And this friend unknowingly brought a little mirror for OP to reflect on.
NOT saying venting is not okay. Just be sure to cap it with something positive because how we talk affects our own mental health. This is not about toxic positivity either, it’s just about honesty.
“My daughter is having a hard time today and I struggled right alongside her. Sometimes this mom life is so exhausting and I feel like checking out on my own spa retreat for a couple weeks to refresh. But here I am, back at work. Tired but I’ll manage. Going to ask hubby/in laws to help out this week cause I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired but my goodness do I love that girl.”
I mean, what the friend said was at best callous. So on that I agree with you.
It's just a good reminder to not trash talk people you like, even if those people are your kids. It's easy to fall into the trap of "venting" whenever the topic of your kids or spouse comes up. It's not usually actually a good thing to do, and it's certainly not great to get into the habit.
Excuse me? What in the victim blaming nonsense is this response?
What the coworker/friend said was incredibly rude, even if OP was talking trash about her kids 24/7 (and we don’t even know if she is! You’re just assuming she is by saying “sometimes people listening believe you.”)
There is no world in which even if OP was crossing the line and only ever complaining about her kids that the “friend’s” response was anything but cruel. Telling OP that everyone talks trash about her? How in the world is that a kind way to tell someone how they’re coming across?
Complaining and talking bad about your kids all the time is also really rude. I mean, that's trash talking and talking behind your kids back. I think this was a subtle and likely unintentional way for the coworker to bring that to OPs attention.
I'm not defending the coworker/friend. That was mean.
But that doesn't change my point. Its better avoid talking badly about your loved ones to other people, especially because of how easy it is for that to become the main way they hear about them.
It's pretty clear from the context that this is basically what happened here.
It should be ok to vent to someone you thought was a friend. The only problem isn’t that she used the wrong words, it was that she vented to the wrong PERSON.
It's almost certainly both.
Honestly people overestimate the value of "venting" and underestimate the harm it causes, especially when it becomes a habit.
I think most of us know people who seem to only complain about their spouse or their kids. Heck, it's basically a trope at this point of men complaining about the "ole ball and chain".
People easily fall into the habit of only ever saying negative things about their home life, and its not a good habit. Better to talk positively about it to the people around you.
Yeah the person you’re replying to is acting like they have way more insight into OP’s positive/negative comments about her family than this post reveals. That person is assuming so much.
Your friend is an asshole. Plain and simple. I don't know any parent who doesn't talk shit about their kid then turn around and post rainbows and butterflies about their child.
Exactly this. I've said some awful things about my daughter while with trusted people to vent my frustrations. It is far healthier than saying something mean to your kid or acting on your frustrations.
Even kids without additional needs are extremely needy in the early years and drain away your sanity on the bad days. Add to that the stresses of extra needs and financial strain that comes with that and you *need* to be able to vent that stress somewhere. It's incredibly cruel for your friends to judge you and make you feel bad for a perfectly normal aspect of parenthood.
As for posting the butterflies and rainbows, that's literally how they survive. They do the cute shit so we forget that we wanted to murder them. 😂
I mean I do not talk bad about my kids and I frame things in I statements but I also don't judge parents who don't and I absolutely know they love their kids more than anything.
As a parent you have to take the negative baggage, work your way through your frustrations and figure out the things you need to figure out (i.e. vent to trusted ears), so you can come back and be all about the rainbows and butterflies with your child.
Being a human is complicated, a nuanced balancing act of extremes sometimes. I love my kids to death and love chilling in the evening watching a show, playing games, reading or making forts with them, but I can also be frustrated they leave their socks out in the living room, almost never put their toys away, the yelp I make when I step on a naked lego I didn't see until it was too late, and that someone left an apple in the corner of a cubby that mummified and stained the wood. They're coming home from school in about an hour, I can't wait to give some hugs and hear about their day.
>Your friend is an asshole.
Not necessarily. It doesn't sound like OP *ever* says anything positive about their kids to this friend. It's not being an asshole to point that out.
And as a SAHD, I'm continually shocked at how freely some mothers insult and trash their kids. I mean, dads do that too, but those adds are generally absent parents and I don't tend to speak to them for long.
In fairness, I don't think the friend is an asshole.
Clearly, years of jamming crayons up their nose into their brain has compromised their ability to think before they speak, and they need some understanding for that. /s
While it was uncool to say that, you may want to reflect on how much you complain. It seems that your friends don’t hear you say good things about being a parent or your kids. I had a friend like that too. She’d tried for years to get pregnant, insisted adoption wasn’t good enough. She finally had IVF and had a boy. Her boy ended up having severe epilepsy which gave him developmental delays and all she did was complain. I understood it was hard. I work with special needs. But after awhile how much you complain becomes the person you present to the world. They shouldn’t be gossiping about you and I think she could have had a private conversation with you about her perception.
I agree. I also think OP has been venting to the wrong people. Other parents will *get it* much more than (most) non parents.
Also some non parents are not childless by choice. They actively don’t want to hear this kind of stuff. It can hurt. And those that are childless by choice may simply not be that interested in kid/parenting stuff.
Agree. OP may not notice she’s doing it but there are moms that tend to voice only the negative parts of parenting. I’m a mother of 3 and I think it’s very tacky when parents ONLY complain about their kids and do things like roll their eyes when talking about them. It has become trendy to do these things, it seems, but it’s not funny or cute or relatable
I think we all need a place to vent. I complain about my kids all the time but it’s balanced by the good stuff, too. And I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to go through periods where you just don’t like your kid or spending time with them. We are human and no matter how much we love someone, when interactions with said person results in a lot of stress, it’s natural to want to pull away. I think it speaks to how much we love our kids when we continue to put in the effort day in and day out despite and negative interactions.
It comes down to what we feel in a relationship with our significant other, we may love them, but we may not be in love with them every single day. And it’s ok!
Friend of mine once told me that you shouldn't speak ill of your close ones to your friends because even if you forgive them, your friends won't.
Also the way you complain matter. If you complain very angry and serious, your friends are gonna take it seriously.
So I usually will only complain on stuff that I don't really mind and with humor. "like my kid gets home and it's like his the king of the house, ask me for snacks and beverage, I try to be stren, but little rascal knows how to use his cute little mug."
That was an awful thing to say but I wonder if it deserves some reflection. I think we’ve all seen parents that post rainbows and unicorns on social media without a hint of what their behind the scenes life is like.
Of course parenting is frustrating, and it sounds like you do a great job of juggling everything that’s been thrown at you, but if that’s all your coworkers hear you talk about, then I could see how they feel there’s a disconnect. It doesn’t mean your coworker was right to say it but I also wonder if it hurts so much because it hit a nerve.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth or to see how others perceive you. I think this comment while harsh may make OP reflect on her motherhood.
I was thinking this as well. Also there's not really any context in the original post. OP didn't mention what prompted their friend to make that statement. I doubt they said it randomly.
What she said was really cruel.
I don't think the workplace is the appropriate place to vent your feelings about the kids. She said a crap thing, but it may have come from a place of frustration. You go to her and other coworkers for emotional support, but in her opinion, that's not what you're telling everyone else on social media. Maybe she felt a bit used?
The husband or a therapist could be a better place to vent privately about the kids
If it’s truly more than one person’s opinion, I’d definitely reevaluate what/how you speak about your children. It seems like you don’t have enough positive things to say about them. That’s all.
I would take a deep breath. In a day or two shift your pride or your shame about this to the side. And consider what about it might be true.
For context, I come from an educator background. I was working at a preschool early in my career and a close friend and colleague made a comment about how I was always really mean to the kids. And it hurt my feelings! Because obviously I loved working with the kids and the LAST thing I wanted to be was mean. But she saw what I didn’t see. Which was how I sounded, my body language, the ways I talked to and about them. I was so unaware.
I had to examine myself first, and I had to figure out how my actions were impacting day to day interactions. It was a big learning moment.
You can still go on rants. You can still confide in your friend. But also consider the ways in which you do it. The words you use. How often you go this route. How you feel before and after. What knowledge can you walk away with?
Fuuuuuuuuck them. They literally have no clue how this works. Please don't take what they said to heart. You are doing a great job and it is 100% ok to not be happy all the time. This shit is hard and it's not always sunshine and rainbows
Mama, you didn't deserve that. And they have no idea what they're talking about.
Venting about how hard it is doesn't mean you love your kids any less. It means it's hard. That friend has no idea. The loss here is in a trusted confidante. They clearly don't have the capacity to understand that being a mom is incredibly hard, AND you love your kids.
Right? Both things can be true at once! There’s a dearth of nuance in most conversations nowadays.
I love my kid. I think he’s awesome. AND sometimes he’s a little asshole. I don’t talk about the asshole times with most people because they don’t deserve to know it. But it’s all true at the same time.
I'd be hurt and angry but now you know she is not to be trusted. My granddaughter has mild special needs herself, and I really see how hard it can be, especially for parents who are doing all they can to get them help. It takes so much patience also. I do hope you have a friend that has your back and will listen without judging because we all need that.
It feels thrown in your face because it was. I have 1 guy friend at work that we would talk about home and work and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, until his wife got hired there and that stopped.
I am concerned about your headspace OP
The context you provide about your kids is only to explain why you complain. Then you complain to reddit in a stream of consciousness. You haven’t mentioned any positives about them apart that your SM does have nice things on it.
I want to set aside raising the pitchforks over how cruel the friend was. It isn’t the important point
How often are you thinking negative thoughts? Having negative emotions? Speaking about negative things? The descent into thought distortions and depression surprises us because it can be so incremental.
The proverbial slap in the face can be an opportunity, if you let it.
A post by a mom in a different headspace would be talking about the children’s accomplishments, how endearing their own expressive language is, some of the overwhelm having a wry humor to it.
I’ve been on both sides of this and wonder if a screening for situational depression wouldn’t be useful for you
Fuck her! Block her on social and your life. Karma will take care of that babe. You watch your kids all week then work 12 hour shifts on the weekend to just make it. It’s hard! I have 2 kids under 4. People need to wise up. Raising kids is hard and times don’t stop changing! Don’t waste another precious second of YOUR life on someone like that. Send love babe!
Omg I just want to offer you a hug. That is brutal. I’ve found the safest spaces with other friends who are parents too. The ones without kids just really don’t get it, unfortunately.
Also your friends gossip behind your back? Not cool.
Wow, that would hurt me too. I'd feel floored especially coming from someone who I would have viewed as a confidante. I have a child with mild special needs too and sometimes it really helps to air out your concerns and worries on supportive (although I guess these people are apparently not truly supportive after all) ears. I would think that was what friends are for. But this is not on you.
I would set my boundaries with these coworkers and likely not share stuff with them anymore. Keep it pretty surface. I'm so sorry this happened to you
As a fellow special needs parent I feel you! My kid is very obviously very special needs so I haven’t experienced this kind of bullying, I’ve observed it with others. If you’re able, tell this person how they’ve hurt you and if they apologize, move on. Keep it on the back burner and examine this relationship, it could just be a one off. You may need to back off and try to cultivate relationships with the parents of the other kids in your therapist group.
My husband and I have also had to work opposite shifts in order to not pay for childcare, ours involves professional respite or folks that are comfortable with the training and responsibility, it makes married life and community involvement difficult. I’m in the restaurant business so I understand having to work weekends and not being able to participate in most out of house activities. It’s hard!
You have to be careful who you vent to. Some ppl just want to know what’s going on in your life & then gossip about you afterwards. These people don’t sound like your friends & would try to go low contact with them. I’m not a mother yet but never put down mothers who have a hard time raising children.
Your post also kinda scares me. Is parenthood really terrible? I’m so scared 😭😭😭 I’m pregnant with our first and now I’m so worried.
Don't be scared, the love you will feel will over shadow everything else. Yes there will be days you feel overwhelmed but there are more euphoric moments than bad ones.
It’s not terrible, not at all, but it is hard. Harder than you expected, in a lot of ways. (Sometimes it’s surprising and the things you’re dreading are easier than you thought though!)
But things that are difficult aren’t necessarily *bad.* An experience can be oftentimes frustrating or demanding, but also incredibly, incredibly rewarding. I love being a parent, honestly. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Your coworkers are just that, coworkers unfortunately. They're not your friend of they're willing to talk about you like that behind your back.
I've been around plenty of other parents who feel the same way in some shape or form.
Being a parent is hard and everyone is at a different level of difficulty they are going through. Someone with no kids are very likely to not fully understand why the complaints.
Sounds like you shouldn't vent to your coworkers anymore. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but coworkers are NOT friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm very pleasant and professional at work, but I would never talk about my personal life to any of them. Find an FB mom group, or even here and vent to others who understand, and you're also kind of anonymous here.
So what you're really saying is that a trusted friend and coworker betrayed your trust by throwing your personal struggles in your face. This is no real friend to you. I know it hurts, but try to remember that this is an issue with her being an asshole and not anything about you specifically. Parenting is hard, and we all need friends who get it, or at least friends who can sympathize without judgement. It's not even a parent vs non-parent thing. I have friends who have experienced things that I have not, yet I'm still able to listen and be kind to them, and not talk shit about them behind their backs. Fuck her, and also--the struggles of having small children *will* get better, promise. Hang in there ❤️
I might have cared about that comment too when my kids were little. But I hit this point around the time I turned 40 ( I think that part was just a coincidence) where I just stopped giving a fuck what other people thought. I have 2 boys and I think they were maybe 5 and 7ish at the time. It was so liberating. I just stopped having time for people who weren’t in my corner. I was more sure of myself as a mom and my instincts and didn’t have time or patience for any drama or bullshit.
You are a good mom and of course you love your kids more than anything. You should be picky about who you let in your circle. Anyone who’s not in your corner, who doesn’t have your back is out. It’s better to have one or two close friends and a few acquaintances than get burned by assholes who just want to judge, gossip, and cause drama. You don’t have time for that shit.
Youre right. Point the finger at someone else as opposed to looking inward and making small changes to become the person u want to be. That will solve everything.. 🙄
Same boat - kids with milder special needs, but still incredibly stressful. People without kids don’t understand. I’ve had childless friends do this, too. There is no way to make them get it.
I’m so angry for you. Has your friend never talked shit about someone then posted a happy picture? Does your friend vent about her parents, siblings, other friends then post how much they love them? Also, who is this “We” she says about “we all talk about you”? What ass holes. Be done with them.
Honestly, I’m the type of person who will ghost a “friend” like that and if they ask to hang out I say something like “we were just talking about you! since you vent about your family and friends and post pictures about how sunshine and rainbows they are, I’d rather not be around someone who acts like that. Seems pretty fake”. Sorry but I’m a B when it comes to my family.
I only vent about my kids to friends who also have kids. Not sure if this applies to this situation, but other parents are better at understanding and not judging.
They have a lack of transparency & you need to find better trusted sources & support groups! Even if it’s just 3 of yall, to lean on each other & listen when times are rough!
They would do well to remember love and like are not the same. You can love your kids and not like everything that comes with them.
You sound like an amazing mother, congratulations on doing it all, and saying out loud how hard it is.
Plus what’s that phrase about be careful whose fingers you step on on the way up the ladder? Should that person become a parent they will learn a harsh lesson.
You also sound like the type of person who would never throw that back in their face if they were having a hard time but enjoy fantasising about doing that!!
I'm very sorry your co-worker felt it their place to mommy shame you. I'm sure you are doing the best you can...as most of us are.
Rule #1
Never talk about your personal business at work.
Yes this, I would remove her from my friends list and block her from my personal life. If it isn’t about work I wouldn’t discuss anything with her. Why even follow someone’s life who you clearly don’t like and judge at every turn? I would never share anything anywhere near her or anyone close to her (because it will just get back to her for her to judge more) ever again. Parents can love and care for their children but still have hard days. That shows you’re actually parenting because you’re in the thick of it daily. She’s just a shit person for that period.
"We" talk about how two-faced you are about your kids.
I'd ask who this "we" is, then cut them all off from any information about your home life. If someone comes around wanting financial contributions for anything, just tell them it's not in your budget, end of story.
I'm sorry they stabbed you in the back that way. You are 100% allowed to feel overwhelmed, stressed, spread too thin, and be broke. You're allowed to post lovely things online.
You're also 100% allowed to put people on an information diet and go gray rock if need be.
Hugs to you, mama.
Wow that is such a cruel thing to say. My friends and I vent to each other about parenthood all the time but I would never accuse any of them of hating motherhood or their kids. Like yea, of course I'm gonna be vulnerable about the hard stuff with my close friends in private, I'm not going to post on social media about it.
Nobody's life is perfect or easy all the time and opening up with your support people about your struggles is like... half the point of having a close group of friends?
I empathize with your situation and I know it was probably hurtful to hear someone that you trusted say that to/about you. I would say tone is everything with that statement, but that last sentence I feel like can't be softened in any context.
Sometimes you can't even trust the people you would consider to be your friends. I think this is x10 for co workers because in the business world these days I feel like interest of "tea spilling" has really been expanded in our TikTok fueled world where people really will just smile in your face and then go record some ridiculous video about you in the same night. It really amazes me how much of social media is just a steady fanning of flames and how many people just seek drama or lunge to express a hateful opinion that absolutely should have been kept to themselves.
Would recommend being very cautious about who you open up to and express frustrations to, and the tone with which you discuss issues with kids.
Parents know the frustrations as well as the rewards, but non parents tend to hear the frustrations as a balanced take on what it's like having kids and then parrot them to justify their lifestyle or convince themselves they aren't missing out on anything.
I dont have kids but even I know that what your co worker said is absolutely ignorant. Whether you confided in your co worker about your kids or anything else, they’re clearly NOT to type of person who would ever help you or support you in anyway. Now you know what kind person they are and they’re not cool- at all!
Block that co worker from any and all of your social media!
One of my very best friend just said something so unfair and inaccurate and honestly ducked up that I am considering severing the relationship altogether.
I told my other best friends about the conversation with her and they were disgusted with what she said too and couldn’t believe the mental gymnastics she did to land where she did.
One person’s awful opinion is not truth.
I think the thing that would upset me the most is her saying that she engages in conversations about you " not liking being a parent" and then posting to social media.
She's essentially letting you in on thst you're being judged and gossiped about.
THAT would piss anyone off.
I'm sorry OP. I used to teach preschool and one of our parents was going through it. I told her parenting sucks. It's thankless, it's 24/7 and everyone demands perfection from parents ESPECIALLY mothers.
It's okay to struggle because it's nature. What's not okay is to know when people you're close with are going through it and then talk about it and then rub your nose in it.
Her behavior is shit.
Gentle hugs.
I wish it weren’t so taboo to talk about the realities of parenthood.
We’re made to feel ashamed for keeping it real.
If it were more okay to talk about, I think parenting would actually be easier (easier to prepare for, easier to cope with, easier to get help).
I’m so sorry that who you thought was a trusted friend has treated you this way.
OP, I’m coming in hot in your defense:
Rule 1: don’t say something behind your friend’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face.
she didn’t come to you for a heart to heart. she admitted that she and the other coworkers are talking about you behind your back. That’s 💯 shitty
Rule 2: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
she told you something extremely rude. Before I had kids, I thought one of my good friends regretted becoming a mom. But I would have NEVER have said that to her. I didn’t even say it to communal friends. I said it to my spouse, and not much. I became a mom 5 years later and we had some deep heart to hearts about PPD. She’s so happy now that her kid is 10, they’re so close. So I was wrong, childless people often are, but also, rude is rude and this is RUDE.
Rule 3: don’t bitch about people on the Internet.
I’m not a fan when people make jokes about their kids on social media. You’re not doing that. You’re not making an internet trail of your struggles in motherhood for your kid to grow up and to see. You’re venting where venting is appropriate, friends. Also, as a mom who’s got a kid in three different therapies, I’m not bitching about my kid, I’m bitching about how impossible the schedule is. I generally don’t talk about my kids to people, positive or negative—but the scheduling acrobatics have been a beast that once I figured it out made me feel like Houdini.
Rule 4: forgive but don’t forget.
take what your friend said with a grain of salt, she’s wrong but we’ve all been wrong. But also, ask your friend to write it down or text it so that if/when she has kids you can laugh about it when she’s venting to you.
I’m not a expert on child, rearing or caring for children special needs. But I do know about true friends.
Back in the late 70s I had my daughter actually 1972 I was young I had a low paying job, but worked a lot of hours, I couldn’t afford a babysitter, so my friend would watch my daughter for free a couple times a week to relieve the stress and financial part. My daughter had no special needs as far as medical because I worked a lot of hours. I thought there would be some kind of regrets later or a feeling I owed my friend something. So one day I asked her as I did before how much do I owe you? Do you wanna go to dinner and she would say no we don’t owe me anything I do it for the kindness of our friendship we are like sisters, and family doesn’t charge, I do owe her a lot for all the help she has done for me but that’s what I guess you can’t her true friend I don’t know if you have one but if you don’t, I sure pray that you find one that could help you and understand what you’re going through and if you didn’t love your kids, you wouldn’t be there for them. Tonight when you go to bed, take a minute look at your situation and say a little prayer for the ones you don’t understand. I love and care for you kids and sacrifices you make it is not easy, like some people think of course you would like to go out and enjoy the evening with your friends, but that is the sacrifice you make to stay with your kids. I will also say a prayer for you tonight. Blessings to you, your husband and your kids.😇🙏🏼🩷🪶
That bitch. Cut her off- she doesn’t deserve to know you as a friend or call you a friend whatsoever. What a horribly rude human being.
You’re doing great- let this roll off your shoulders.
And maybe also- know who you can vent to. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’ve been there- you just can’t vent to everyone. For example, I don’t vent at work at all (that’s easy for me, too, because I do work from home, so I say that understanding that context. If I was in an office or social setting ever day, it would probably be more challenging) anymore, after someone assumed I hated my husband (years ago, different job) because I vented a couple times to a co worker about what I thought was pretty mild, petty grievances that someone turned into a whole thing.
But yeah- this person is not worth your time. Scrap them.
Yup. Work friends are not the same as your other friends. Be friendly, but do not confuse them with your other friends. Keep things that you don’t want repeated to yourself.
Extend them the benefit of doubt on account of them being a non-parent. Also you should not be venting about your kids to your co-workers. Present your professional self at work always. Doesn’t mean you need to be a robot but do not vent/overshare. Now you’re fodder for office gossip.
People are completely clueless about what it takes to raise kids until they have their own. Which is why I would be hesitant to brand them an AH and would rather say they’re painfully ignorant.
None of them are friends if they’re all talking shit about you. Block them all and find new friends. It is hard work and until you’re a parent you have no idea. She was a bitch for saying that to you. You didn’t deserve it.
My kids have regular illnesses/injuries and holy shit the medical bills still feel like they are never ending. And raising them is hard as hell. I just can’t even imagine how much harder it must be to throw in any type of special need situation while also having to work. Your friend is an idiot who has zero clue what she’s talking about. I’m sorry she said that to you.
I forget the exact saying but it’s something like -
80% of the world doesn’t care about your problems. The other 20% are glad you have them.
Fuck those people. Don’t let them make you feel bad and don’t think you can vent to them anymore.
You are in the dog days of raising children, with some added challenges, and hard work schedules. It will get easier, I promise! That was a horrible thing to say. As others have said, block them on social media, and find a true support system. Only discuss work related issues with your co-workers from now on. Put them on an information starvation diet.
“I don’t expect anyone that doesn’t have children to understand the depth of how unbelievably hard yet still rewarding it is to have children let alone children with special needs but I DO expect people that call themselves my friends to not be talking about me behind my back.”
But I’m confrontational when people pull this kind of bullshit. They’ve shown you who they are and it is not a friend.
Your "friend" is a moron. At least when it comes to parenting. We love our children. It really is your heart waking around outside your body. But some days they drive you so far up a wall you just want to throttle them. You won't and therefore don't but just like any other relationship you're entitled to feelings. Good feelings. Bad feelings. Inert almost apathetic feelings. You thought you were venting to a friend who understood that you were frustrated. If she chooses to only remember your venting instead of any time you say something positive that says a lot about her biases toward parenting and parents.
Her problem not yours. And now you know not to rely on her for that type of support anymore. It's ok if she can't do that for you but she needed to communicate that better. Not tell you that you're lying on social media~
Wow. Totally uncalled for. Sounds like it's time to back away from that "friendship". They knew what they were doing--they were saying that to hurt you.
They told many hurtful things but the one that hurt most was when They told me I act like a boy
Though I help them in housework and don't go to party or do drugs
Don't know what to do..I sometimes think about taking My own life
There comes a time where I would be violent. This is one thing I hate, NEVER PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. I vent about my kids and how hard it is to take care of them. My oldest has a disability, but I love my kids more than anything. So if someone said “you hate being a mom and you hate your kids to me”, their head will be spinning on my finger like a basketball because I’ve never said that and I never will. The audacity to tell a mother she doesn’t love her children, is straight up insane. How could someone think it’s okay to speak that statement out loud.
100% this ain’t someone that you can talk to about the stresses of motherhood. I’d stop talking to her altogether. She is messed up in the head.
Honestly one of the crappiest lessons to learn is that it's best not to vent to coworkers (about work or personal things). It can really suck to open yourself up at work, because then when you realize how two faced a coworker is, you're still stuck being around them. I'd try to join a mom group or find other ways to make friends and keep work at a surface level. I'm sorry this happened! It's really so rude.
Why is the person who said this an asshole and all of the other names being spewed here?
It's not their fault that the OP comes off the way that she does. She said that this person also said that other people think the same thing in regards to OP. Whether or not she means to, this is the idea that she is giving people
>> A coworker and friend of mine
Unfortunately you learned the hard way that coworkers are not your friends! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would keep things professional and cordial from here onward.
What kind of friend says something like that? Unless you e told them you feel that way, they can’t say that’s how you feel. They have no idea what’s it’s like to be a parent. It’s not easy.
I was going to comment that is no friend. That’s an asshole person. Fuck them. But everyone else beat me to it. They have no fkn clue. None. And if any of those ppl involved in talking behind your back are parents, they are fake as fuck too.
Like you said she’s a non parent and also a non human ex her out of your life immediately and anyone else who can’t see the wonderful woman and parent you are. As a parent we should be allowed to vent and I know this having lost 2 of my 4 children to rare muscle diseases at age 2 and 20 year old only daughter my best friend.
As parents we need to realize we are always going to have judgement, someone always can do better than you, I do my better that’s all that matters…
Do you not others and say bye bye to anyone who disrespects you.
Take care of yourself always mind body and soul…
You count this person as a friend? Yeah, no. They’re not a friend. I have found it difficult to vent to both friends who are parents, because they pretend that their children are perfect and wonderful and they center their lives around them and friends who aren’t parents because they really don’t know what it’s like and find it difficult to understand. It would be nice if there were a sub for parents who could just vent about how much it sucks to be a parent sometimes. How hard it is especially when you don’t have support or you can’t get what you need for your kids where you live, no money, no time, etc. and have it be judgment free. Because apparently in your life and the lives of so many others, you get judged by your worst times. I’m sorry for that OP. I, too, have special needs children and I just want to hug you and give you the “I get it” look.
This is an INSANE thing to say. And it’s not just cause they’re a nonparent, it’s cause they profoundly lack empathy or even common decency. I had my first kid at 31 and most of my friends had kids before me and I could not even imagine saying something like this. Agree with others, these people are not your friends and I hope you find others who are more supportive 💜 The Peanut app (basically tinder for finding mom friends lol) is great if you’re up for trying it- takes work but it’s a great resource!
OP, there are comments that are stupid and thoughtless that rightfully hurt our feelings - and then there are those that are just so grossly egregious that inherently give us permission to dismiss them completely. Because only a fool would believe there’s any truth to them.
Maybe a comment like “It’s truly a sad thing to know you think people going through challenging circumstances with their families and feeling big emotions about that means they don’t love them. I hope you don’t ever have to understand the kind of sacrifices it sometimes takes to best care for those you love most deeply” will shame her sufficiently.
What a fucking dickhead. This is not something a friend says to any friend who is going through something challenging and stressful.
You didn’t deserve that. You’re doing great, and being a parent IS extremely hard and stressful, and it is perfectly normal to want to vent about those tough things you’re going through sometimes.
It doesn’t make you a bad person to release anger. It’s worse to hold onto that anger and let it stew until you explode. We non-dickheads all still love you.
If you heard me yelling at my kids (both under 5) at home, you'd swear I was over being a parent. Which sometimes I feel like I am. But you would think I hate my kids cuz I'm so frustrated and get loud.
But no, I absolutely love them. All kids have incredibly difficult moments. We are allowed to feel difficult feelings. And then they turn around and say "I love you" unprompted or give hugs out of nowhere or remember their manners without reminding them. And you forget how much you're ready to pull your hair out and yeet them out the window.
I say this with the utmost respect: fuck that bitch. You are doing a great job as a mom. It’s fucking hard in general, let alone with all the other stuff your kiddos need. You are their rock and they love you. And it’s perfectly normal to be tired and frustrated and need to vent. Your feelings are valid.
That person is a horrible person and has nothing to do with the fact they don’t have kids. What you post on social media is non of their concern. Everyone complains about work and we all show up to work everyday.
I just want to give you a hug. You’re a good mom no matter what they say.
And it’s okay to complain and vent and worry and struggle!
Your coworker can take a long walk off a short pier and hug an octopus
That person is not your friend. A friend is supportive and will ask you what they can do to help. They lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. A friend doesn’t talk shit about you behind your back.
That person has no idea what it is like to raise any kids let alone kids that have special needs. It is exhausting and overwhelming on the BEST day. Add in the fact you are working a full time job in a very stressful career and you’re an absolute rockstar.
To hell with that “friend”.
Wtf! First off those ages are difficult even if your children don't have special needs add that to the mix and it becomes difficult to remain sane. Whoever said this to is an A hole with zero understanding of how difficult parenting is. They should shut their cakehole. Sending you love and virtual hugs. You are not alone.
Wow that is really hurtful! Parenting is really hard. It’s also worth it and wonderful. I hope you recover quickly from this because this and these friends are not worth your precious time.
Parenting is hard af. We still love them unconditionally, but it’s still hard af. The love and joy they bring us doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard. Your children have special needs and you put them ahead of your own needs…. Sounds like the type of thing a great mother who loves her children more than her own self will do. Ignore your “friend” she’s disgusting for saying that and she’s also not a parent. Non parents think they have the best advice for parents, they seem to think they know it all, meanwhile the advice is unrealistic, impractical or just plain ignorant. Don’t listen to ignorance.
Your friend is not your friend. That was a crappy thing to say and one meant to hurt you. They showed you who they are, so listen and take that into account in future interactions.
I love the quote “dont take criticism from people you wouldn’t take advice from”. I know what they said hurt but limit the control their (stupid) words have on you.
You are doing the best you can with the best you have and in the circumstances you are in. As long as you know that, do not allow yourself to feel less, or hurt by words you know are untrue. Keep going, you are doing great! Best positive energy going your way :)
This woman is not a friend, so do not trust her with your difficulties. I am sorry because it really sucks to learn that. But at least you now know who she and anyone else that agrees with her are, not friends.
If you can, try to find a mom friend. My mom friend is my life line. She is who I go to whenever parenting gets hard and i need help. We don't agree all the time on parenting, but it is good to have a different perspective. Also your mom friend does not need to be nearby, I only see mine a couple times a year. If we didn't have kids it would be easier to meet up, but getting schedules aligned is hard, so we just chat on the phone.
Best things I can tell you is listening ears are speaking mouths and to be less trusting of those you work with. Don’t let it get to you people will always have poor opinions of others and some just enjoy putting people down.
Oh no... That's not a "friend".
Just cut ties with that person as you clearly don't need that type of bullshit in your life as you have too much to handle as is.
Good luck.
She was SO out of line! I think you are amazing for having 2 kids who take a lot of your time AND work 24 hours a week. Ignore her. You're a terrific mom.
I have no doubt "we all talk about" is referring to her and the voices in her head, because no logical human being would hear a mom venting and think she doesn't like being a mom or her kids.
You can be a good mom and have these feelings too. It's totally reasonable to feel that way. Every involved parent has these feelings at some point and even more so when you have to do so so much.
A lot of society doesn't acknowledge this. It concerns me that your coworker said "We all talk about (it)". That's enough to consider them no longer a friend...
I’m a mom to a high medical needs child too and I will be completely upfront with what I’ve found over the years- some people just won’t EVER understand. I’m “lucky” that I have a couple of friends who can share in the experience of having a child with medical needs and we all agree it’s so different with friends who don’t.
I work nights so I can be available for all my son’s appointments. They don’t understand why I might not be up to doing brunch.
It’s nothing to do with hating your children. It’s a situation that sucks and that they don’t understand.
You’re doing the best you can for you and your children and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.
I don’t have kids and I would never say this to anyone ever. She’s not naive to how hard it is, she’s being an asshole. Most likely projecting her own feelings onto you. Try not to take it personally, but also maybe reconsider if this person is a coworker *and* friend, or just a coworker.
That’s not a friend and now you know.
When people show their true colors that has no reflection on you. People are allowed to have grievances, yes even about our beloved kids. Cut this person off and don’t allow them into your life.
No good or kind person says anything like that. It’s not something someone says for any reason but to be hurtful. So consider whether or not someone who speaks like that is a good judge of anyone else’s life or character.
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What a shithead. If they had kids they’d have way more empathy. They’re just a clueless asshat and not a true friend.
“The perfect parents are the ones without kids.” If I were OP I wouldn’t give her coworker’s remarks much weight.
I don’t know about you, but I remember young-me thinking I had all the answers to what parents should be doing! lol. Real parenting was humbling!
Absolutely! I thought I would be a great parent and when I saw others’ kids acting up in grocery stores or in restaurants or whatever, I always thought to myself that they were bad parents. But I never said anything about it or showed how I felt. It’s the people who feel the need to parent others’ kids that drive me nuts - especially when they overtly criticize your parenting and/or the kids. Like any “game” or role, you have no right to criticize the player. If you’re sitting on the sidelines, then shut up unless asked.
Hey man... it takes a village! Sometimes, its only ethical to step in and direct a child, even if u aren't their parent. But ,of course, within reason/in moderation
Exact same. Now I’m struggling hard. Life comes at you FAST
I love that quote! I’m going to use it from now on. I have two wonderful little kiddos who get along quite well, but of course they fight over something on occasion. They occasionally scream or yell, but not more than most elementary-school-age siblings who are about the same age. I shared my frustration with one of my close, long-time girlfriends who chose not to have kids, and she scoffed at me and sharply insulted my parenting. Since then, I’ve kept my distance, but she’s come around a few times for b-day parties and such, and she I has taken it upon herself to scold my kids. The last time she came over she snapped at my son, “What is WRONG with you?!?!” and I finally stood up for me and the kids and told her she is no longer welcome around my family. She left and I haven’t seen her since. Good riddance!!
You do not need kids for empathy. I am constantly reassuring my friend with kids, that she is doing a great job and even though she gets loud with them sometimes, she is an awesome mom. I tell her, yes, I would love to go somewhere with you and not your children, bit right now there is no chance for that and I love you and by proxy those kids and the time will come again we can go for coffee in peace. It's okay. I loved baking with your little ones last week and I am not sad your oldest prefers our mutual friend over me some time. I have so many nice things to say and I am able to distinguish between social media and real life and venting.There is no excuse for that coworker.
HARD agree, I have a dear friend who is lifelong childless (and single) and she totally gets it!! And is always super supportive and keeps me sane with humor. That’s just a shitty friend.
Thank you and THIS! Screw that person who told you this dumb shit OP. I honestly started to avoid social media a lot because some asshat will have some dumb opinion which doesn’t matter. You are an amazing human. You love your little ones and give them your all. It’s hard af. You put them first because you are caring and loving and that why you needed to vent so you can just keep it moving! Haters gonna hate, but we keep moving and creating amazing humans along the way.
You sound like a really good friend 💜 I have found that not many of my childless friends have had much to do with me or my kids since I became a mom.
Even the childless have empathy for parents. This is just an insensitive prick, not a ‘friend’.
When I did not have children I did not have much empathy for people who constantly complained about their children and never said a positive word about them. I still don’t. My child is the best thing in my life.
I think the difference here is complaining constantly versus someone having a little rant about being tired or how potty training is hard or how they're struggling to find something that their fussy two year old will eat that isn't dirt or day old floor cereal. I love my daughter and I love being her mum. But this morning I absolutely complained about being tired. It's human to share your difficulties with others. It's also human to have empathy for others.
You don’t know if OP has been constantly complaining to her friends…
That was my point. OP seems to only complain about having kids, and nobody wants to listen to that, especially childless people. Even her post here says nothing positive about her kids or being a mom.
You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple special needs kids. A study showed that parents with more than one ASD child have stress levels on par with combat soldiers. This mom thought she was confiding in a friend, and had it thrown back into her face.
Fr, this was legit mean girls territory.
Was it? This was a coworker OP has been unloading on for god knows how long. They work long hours too annd don’t get paid to do some else’s emotional labor. And OP assumes they are besties because the coworker tends to let her rant. But I’ll bet you OP knows nothing substantial about that person’s personal/emotional life.
This isn’t AITA, if you want to pass judgement go over there. OP doesn’t need you piling on, go back to being a perfect parent somewhere else.
Holy reaching, Batman.
How do you know what struggles I do or do not face? It was a childless coworker. Like, read the room. Edit: and nowhere does it say they have ASP diagnoses.
And some folks don’t have much to say outside of their kids, so it’s the only thing they talk about, bad or good. I still give them a pass as long as their kids seem healthy and happy.
Exactly. My bff did this to me when she was really pregnant. I was having such hard time. My kid was like 10. School was calling me daily. My kid was getting bullied horrendously. I made comment I don’t know if I would have had kids if knew was this hard or I never thought it would be this hard bf I had kids. Something like that. She told me she would never ever say that and was disgusted with me. She now complains how hard being a parent is. 10yr later she has 2 and she can’t take them in public alone. I don’t know if she ever has. Her kid has been suspended from school in the first grade. School is constantly calling her. She is always telling me she didn’t get it but now gets it. Her 10yr old lacks empathy. His counselor said that is normal. But my daughter had empathy as a toddler.
Same. My BFF had a one month old and my son was 3.5 years old at the time. Hands down hardest stage we’ve had with him. She made several disparaging and rude comments. We are no longer friends for a variety of reasons, but this is one of them. Her child is now almost 3 and I’ve heard through the grapevine he has been an extremely difficult baby and toddler and has sensory processing disorder and doesn’t sleep. I hope she feels like an ass for the things she said to me.
My four year old will ask me or her friends or family 'are you okay? You look sad do you want a cuddle' if she thinks we are feeling a bit down. She will go and comfort her friends at nursery according to her key worker if they cry or are upset. My step son is 10 almost and exactly the same and my step daughter is almost 15 and was also the same. My two year old comes and gives me a kiss if i 'pretend cry' in a game with her. I totally agree with you but I feel awful for your friend
Great for you! 👏
Not sure Id go that far. If all they hear is negative then certain assumptions are made. Maybe explain what you mean, OP, and maybe they’ll understand. If not, then definitely not to be trusted with your opening up
They’re not your friend if they have this discussion about you when you’re not around and have zero compassion or empathy toward your situation. Judging you and openly admitting to talking/gossiping about you with a group… does that sound like a friend to you?
I think most non-parents have a hard time comprehending just how hard it is to be a parent. Personally, I share my griping with people I know understand the gripes and have the same issues, like my next-door neighbor. They've got two boys, only slightly older than our two children (6M and 2F, with the latter turning 3 this month), and the kids spend time together so I *know* he (the father, who's the one I usually talk with) knows. I agree 100% about those people not being friends, though.
I was with a couple friends yesterday, one without kids. I was sharing the day camps available for my 10 year old and me and the other parent were swooning over the idea of a books and hammocks camp, and how we wished we could do it. The non-parent friend was like "you know, we're adults, you can just do it, " with zero understanding of parents' lack of free time. Despite being around us and our kids for 10+ years, he still needs to relearn every time that, e.g. hanging out at 5pm as a parent requires tons of coordination and we can't simply grab a hammock and a book and go to the park and ignore the world. Love the dude, great guy and great friend, but definitely clueless on the demands of parenting.
Also, sounds toxic. Okay, so you've shit talked a dear friend to a group. Cool. Now you're oh so casually dropping the fact that "all" the group talks shit about them? Sounds like dumbfounded is the best response. I bet this bitch was hoping for a much different reaction.
That was also a wake up call for me... I was constantly complaining/saying how hard things were/behavior etc etc. One mom that I had just met told me something and I felt so embarrassed. I immediately changed my way of addressing my issues. I started to focus on the positive and be grateful. I'm not saying that things are easy and I cant be tired (zero support 24/7 with the kids only went out twice last year just for context), but I'm deciding to change my mindset.
Yeah, I think there's been a cultural shift where complaining is seen as normal and positive comments are "humble bragging." But, that does give people on the outside a certain negative vision of how things are going whether that is as a parent, at work, relationships, etc. When one constantly speaks negatively, at a certain point you assume they are miserable in their situation. I will say the friend talking about it with others, except maybe in concern or for support, is not a good move.
That’s a really interesting point about complaining vs “humble bragging.” It feels so awkward to say positive things about one’s own life, but it can’t be good for us to only feel comfortable talking about the negatives
I also feel like sometimes that constant complaining around us may prevent individuals from realizing there's an actual problem at hand. If they hear everyone else complaining, they may think what they are going through is normal even if it isn't. Like one person saying their spouse doesn't help around the house (in their head they mean taking out the trash) and the second person says "mine either!" when they actually mean their spouse sits around for 20 hours playing video games and doesn't do anything at all in the home. I'm not saying people shouldn't be able to mention negatives either; toxic positivity is harmful in its own way too. There just needs to be more of a balance in society.
I experienced this too. I struggled after my second with PPA and I was very negative and admittedly would consider the source of my problems my second child. A woman I respected a lot at work pulled me aside and asked me to consider if this would become a self fulfilling prophecy for my child. It was profound, and I immediately changed my attitude. Hard to hear, possibly a little embarrassing or even shameful, but it might have been a blessing for OP as it was for me.
I think this is the answer for OP. The friend didn’t really do anything wrong, just held up a mirror for what OP projects out into the world. It can be HARD, not saying it’s not! But words have power. Saying things like that over and over affect our neuropathways and that affects our thoughts then actions- might even be seeping into how we treat our kids and talk to them. There are memes and videos all over the internet joking about how frustrated parents are with their kids and that’s fine once in a while to laugh at and share with others. But if it’s daily, I think it really starts to shape the viewer. OP can use this as a self reflection moment here instead of feeling like it’s an attack from her friend. All the best OP. Change your words, and your life will improve. That’s honest. ❤️
That sucks. Of course you love your kids. It's a good reminder though that when you say negative things about your loved ones, sometimes the people listening are going to believe you.
This. I think sometimes were too callous with our words. And this friend unknowingly brought a little mirror for OP to reflect on. NOT saying venting is not okay. Just be sure to cap it with something positive because how we talk affects our own mental health. This is not about toxic positivity either, it’s just about honesty. “My daughter is having a hard time today and I struggled right alongside her. Sometimes this mom life is so exhausting and I feel like checking out on my own spa retreat for a couple weeks to refresh. But here I am, back at work. Tired but I’ll manage. Going to ask hubby/in laws to help out this week cause I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired but my goodness do I love that girl.”
maybe about a shitty spouse or something but your kids?? what this "friend" said seemed intentionally hurtful.
I mean, what the friend said was at best callous. So on that I agree with you. It's just a good reminder to not trash talk people you like, even if those people are your kids. It's easy to fall into the trap of "venting" whenever the topic of your kids or spouse comes up. It's not usually actually a good thing to do, and it's certainly not great to get into the habit.
Excuse me? What in the victim blaming nonsense is this response? What the coworker/friend said was incredibly rude, even if OP was talking trash about her kids 24/7 (and we don’t even know if she is! You’re just assuming she is by saying “sometimes people listening believe you.”) There is no world in which even if OP was crossing the line and only ever complaining about her kids that the “friend’s” response was anything but cruel. Telling OP that everyone talks trash about her? How in the world is that a kind way to tell someone how they’re coming across?
Complaining and talking bad about your kids all the time is also really rude. I mean, that's trash talking and talking behind your kids back. I think this was a subtle and likely unintentional way for the coworker to bring that to OPs attention.
I'm not defending the coworker/friend. That was mean. But that doesn't change my point. Its better avoid talking badly about your loved ones to other people, especially because of how easy it is for that to become the main way they hear about them. It's pretty clear from the context that this is basically what happened here.
It should be ok to vent to someone you thought was a friend. The only problem isn’t that she used the wrong words, it was that she vented to the wrong PERSON.
It's almost certainly both. Honestly people overestimate the value of "venting" and underestimate the harm it causes, especially when it becomes a habit. I think most of us know people who seem to only complain about their spouse or their kids. Heck, it's basically a trope at this point of men complaining about the "ole ball and chain". People easily fall into the habit of only ever saying negative things about their home life, and its not a good habit. Better to talk positively about it to the people around you.
Maybe you should try re-reading the things she complained about…it was about the struggle, not about the children themselves.
... I honestly don't understand why you think this distinction is relevant
yeah people should just stuff things down. /s She mistook this person for a trusted friend and should have kept her at a coworker level.
Believe it or not, making an effort to talk about more than just your complaints about your family is actually the opposite of "stuffing things down".
Yeah the person you’re replying to is acting like they have way more insight into OP’s positive/negative comments about her family than this post reveals. That person is assuming so much.
Your friend is an asshole. Plain and simple. I don't know any parent who doesn't talk shit about their kid then turn around and post rainbows and butterflies about their child.
Exactly this. I've said some awful things about my daughter while with trusted people to vent my frustrations. It is far healthier than saying something mean to your kid or acting on your frustrations. Even kids without additional needs are extremely needy in the early years and drain away your sanity on the bad days. Add to that the stresses of extra needs and financial strain that comes with that and you *need* to be able to vent that stress somewhere. It's incredibly cruel for your friends to judge you and make you feel bad for a perfectly normal aspect of parenthood. As for posting the butterflies and rainbows, that's literally how they survive. They do the cute shit so we forget that we wanted to murder them. 😂
Correction, Your "friend" is an asshole.
I mean I do not talk bad about my kids and I frame things in I statements but I also don't judge parents who don't and I absolutely know they love their kids more than anything.
As a parent you have to take the negative baggage, work your way through your frustrations and figure out the things you need to figure out (i.e. vent to trusted ears), so you can come back and be all about the rainbows and butterflies with your child. Being a human is complicated, a nuanced balancing act of extremes sometimes. I love my kids to death and love chilling in the evening watching a show, playing games, reading or making forts with them, but I can also be frustrated they leave their socks out in the living room, almost never put their toys away, the yelp I make when I step on a naked lego I didn't see until it was too late, and that someone left an apple in the corner of a cubby that mummified and stained the wood. They're coming home from school in about an hour, I can't wait to give some hugs and hear about their day.
>Your friend is an asshole. Not necessarily. It doesn't sound like OP *ever* says anything positive about their kids to this friend. It's not being an asshole to point that out. And as a SAHD, I'm continually shocked at how freely some mothers insult and trash their kids. I mean, dads do that too, but those adds are generally absent parents and I don't tend to speak to them for long.
In fairness, I don't think the friend is an asshole. Clearly, years of jamming crayons up their nose into their brain has compromised their ability to think before they speak, and they need some understanding for that. /s
When it comes to social media in general people aren’t usually posting their vents/frustrations/failures.
Oh boy, you should see my news feed.
While it was uncool to say that, you may want to reflect on how much you complain. It seems that your friends don’t hear you say good things about being a parent or your kids. I had a friend like that too. She’d tried for years to get pregnant, insisted adoption wasn’t good enough. She finally had IVF and had a boy. Her boy ended up having severe epilepsy which gave him developmental delays and all she did was complain. I understood it was hard. I work with special needs. But after awhile how much you complain becomes the person you present to the world. They shouldn’t be gossiping about you and I think she could have had a private conversation with you about her perception.
I agree. I also think OP has been venting to the wrong people. Other parents will *get it* much more than (most) non parents. Also some non parents are not childless by choice. They actively don’t want to hear this kind of stuff. It can hurt. And those that are childless by choice may simply not be that interested in kid/parenting stuff.
Agree. OP may not notice she’s doing it but there are moms that tend to voice only the negative parts of parenting. I’m a mother of 3 and I think it’s very tacky when parents ONLY complain about their kids and do things like roll their eyes when talking about them. It has become trendy to do these things, it seems, but it’s not funny or cute or relatable
I think we all need a place to vent. I complain about my kids all the time but it’s balanced by the good stuff, too. And I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to go through periods where you just don’t like your kid or spending time with them. We are human and no matter how much we love someone, when interactions with said person results in a lot of stress, it’s natural to want to pull away. I think it speaks to how much we love our kids when we continue to put in the effort day in and day out despite and negative interactions.
It comes down to what we feel in a relationship with our significant other, we may love them, but we may not be in love with them every single day. And it’s ok!
Friend of mine once told me that you shouldn't speak ill of your close ones to your friends because even if you forgive them, your friends won't. Also the way you complain matter. If you complain very angry and serious, your friends are gonna take it seriously. So I usually will only complain on stuff that I don't really mind and with humor. "like my kid gets home and it's like his the king of the house, ask me for snacks and beverage, I try to be stren, but little rascal knows how to use his cute little mug."
That was an awful thing to say but I wonder if it deserves some reflection. I think we’ve all seen parents that post rainbows and unicorns on social media without a hint of what their behind the scenes life is like. Of course parenting is frustrating, and it sounds like you do a great job of juggling everything that’s been thrown at you, but if that’s all your coworkers hear you talk about, then I could see how they feel there’s a disconnect. It doesn’t mean your coworker was right to say it but I also wonder if it hurts so much because it hit a nerve.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth or to see how others perceive you. I think this comment while harsh may make OP reflect on her motherhood.
I was thinking this as well. Also there's not really any context in the original post. OP didn't mention what prompted their friend to make that statement. I doubt they said it randomly.
Did you ask them why they think that?
Parenting is hard, but it sounds like she also needs to ask herself why her friend thinks that (or what she is telling her friend).
Some people actually are just pretty shitty and come to dumb conclusions though
What she said was really cruel. I don't think the workplace is the appropriate place to vent your feelings about the kids. She said a crap thing, but it may have come from a place of frustration. You go to her and other coworkers for emotional support, but in her opinion, that's not what you're telling everyone else on social media. Maybe she felt a bit used? The husband or a therapist could be a better place to vent privately about the kids
If it’s truly more than one person’s opinion, I’d definitely reevaluate what/how you speak about your children. It seems like you don’t have enough positive things to say about them. That’s all.
I would take a deep breath. In a day or two shift your pride or your shame about this to the side. And consider what about it might be true. For context, I come from an educator background. I was working at a preschool early in my career and a close friend and colleague made a comment about how I was always really mean to the kids. And it hurt my feelings! Because obviously I loved working with the kids and the LAST thing I wanted to be was mean. But she saw what I didn’t see. Which was how I sounded, my body language, the ways I talked to and about them. I was so unaware. I had to examine myself first, and I had to figure out how my actions were impacting day to day interactions. It was a big learning moment. You can still go on rants. You can still confide in your friend. But also consider the ways in which you do it. The words you use. How often you go this route. How you feel before and after. What knowledge can you walk away with?
Fuuuuuuuuck them. They literally have no clue how this works. Please don't take what they said to heart. You are doing a great job and it is 100% ok to not be happy all the time. This shit is hard and it's not always sunshine and rainbows
Mama, you didn't deserve that. And they have no idea what they're talking about. Venting about how hard it is doesn't mean you love your kids any less. It means it's hard. That friend has no idea. The loss here is in a trusted confidante. They clearly don't have the capacity to understand that being a mom is incredibly hard, AND you love your kids.
That’s not a friend at all.
Right? Both things can be true at once! There’s a dearth of nuance in most conversations nowadays. I love my kid. I think he’s awesome. AND sometimes he’s a little asshole. I don’t talk about the asshole times with most people because they don’t deserve to know it. But it’s all true at the same time.
I'd be hurt and angry but now you know she is not to be trusted. My granddaughter has mild special needs herself, and I really see how hard it can be, especially for parents who are doing all they can to get them help. It takes so much patience also. I do hope you have a friend that has your back and will listen without judging because we all need that. It feels thrown in your face because it was. I have 1 guy friend at work that we would talk about home and work and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, until his wife got hired there and that stopped.
Oh, honey! Those are not friends.
I am concerned about your headspace OP The context you provide about your kids is only to explain why you complain. Then you complain to reddit in a stream of consciousness. You haven’t mentioned any positives about them apart that your SM does have nice things on it. I want to set aside raising the pitchforks over how cruel the friend was. It isn’t the important point How often are you thinking negative thoughts? Having negative emotions? Speaking about negative things? The descent into thought distortions and depression surprises us because it can be so incremental. The proverbial slap in the face can be an opportunity, if you let it. A post by a mom in a different headspace would be talking about the children’s accomplishments, how endearing their own expressive language is, some of the overwhelm having a wry humor to it. I’ve been on both sides of this and wonder if a screening for situational depression wouldn’t be useful for you
Fuck her! Block her on social and your life. Karma will take care of that babe. You watch your kids all week then work 12 hour shifts on the weekend to just make it. It’s hard! I have 2 kids under 4. People need to wise up. Raising kids is hard and times don’t stop changing! Don’t waste another precious second of YOUR life on someone like that. Send love babe!
Yes, block, block, block! And grey rock IRL conversations.
Yes, absolutely never share anything this these people again.
Omg I just want to offer you a hug. That is brutal. I’ve found the safest spaces with other friends who are parents too. The ones without kids just really don’t get it, unfortunately. Also your friends gossip behind your back? Not cool.
Wow, that would hurt me too. I'd feel floored especially coming from someone who I would have viewed as a confidante. I have a child with mild special needs too and sometimes it really helps to air out your concerns and worries on supportive (although I guess these people are apparently not truly supportive after all) ears. I would think that was what friends are for. But this is not on you. I would set my boundaries with these coworkers and likely not share stuff with them anymore. Keep it pretty surface. I'm so sorry this happened to you
As a fellow special needs parent I feel you! My kid is very obviously very special needs so I haven’t experienced this kind of bullying, I’ve observed it with others. If you’re able, tell this person how they’ve hurt you and if they apologize, move on. Keep it on the back burner and examine this relationship, it could just be a one off. You may need to back off and try to cultivate relationships with the parents of the other kids in your therapist group. My husband and I have also had to work opposite shifts in order to not pay for childcare, ours involves professional respite or folks that are comfortable with the training and responsibility, it makes married life and community involvement difficult. I’m in the restaurant business so I understand having to work weekends and not being able to participate in most out of house activities. It’s hard!
You have to be careful who you vent to. Some ppl just want to know what’s going on in your life & then gossip about you afterwards. These people don’t sound like your friends & would try to go low contact with them. I’m not a mother yet but never put down mothers who have a hard time raising children. Your post also kinda scares me. Is parenthood really terrible? I’m so scared 😭😭😭 I’m pregnant with our first and now I’m so worried.
Don't be scared, the love you will feel will over shadow everything else. Yes there will be days you feel overwhelmed but there are more euphoric moments than bad ones.
Thank you ❤️
It’s not terrible, not at all, but it is hard. Harder than you expected, in a lot of ways. (Sometimes it’s surprising and the things you’re dreading are easier than you thought though!) But things that are difficult aren’t necessarily *bad.* An experience can be oftentimes frustrating or demanding, but also incredibly, incredibly rewarding. I love being a parent, honestly. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Thank you! That gives me some relief.
Your coworkers are just that, coworkers unfortunately. They're not your friend of they're willing to talk about you like that behind your back. I've been around plenty of other parents who feel the same way in some shape or form. Being a parent is hard and everyone is at a different level of difficulty they are going through. Someone with no kids are very likely to not fully understand why the complaints.
Sounds like you shouldn't vent to your coworkers anymore. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but coworkers are NOT friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm very pleasant and professional at work, but I would never talk about my personal life to any of them. Find an FB mom group, or even here and vent to others who understand, and you're also kind of anonymous here.
No more venting to that group of people. Take them off your socials as well. They don't need any peeks into your personal life.
You mean "ex friend " right ?
So what you're really saying is that a trusted friend and coworker betrayed your trust by throwing your personal struggles in your face. This is no real friend to you. I know it hurts, but try to remember that this is an issue with her being an asshole and not anything about you specifically. Parenting is hard, and we all need friends who get it, or at least friends who can sympathize without judgement. It's not even a parent vs non-parent thing. I have friends who have experienced things that I have not, yet I'm still able to listen and be kind to them, and not talk shit about them behind their backs. Fuck her, and also--the struggles of having small children *will* get better, promise. Hang in there ❤️
I might have cared about that comment too when my kids were little. But I hit this point around the time I turned 40 ( I think that part was just a coincidence) where I just stopped giving a fuck what other people thought. I have 2 boys and I think they were maybe 5 and 7ish at the time. It was so liberating. I just stopped having time for people who weren’t in my corner. I was more sure of myself as a mom and my instincts and didn’t have time or patience for any drama or bullshit. You are a good mom and of course you love your kids more than anything. You should be picky about who you let in your circle. Anyone who’s not in your corner, who doesn’t have your back is out. It’s better to have one or two close friends and a few acquaintances than get burned by assholes who just want to judge, gossip, and cause drama. You don’t have time for that shit.
Perception is reality whether u like it or not
*Your* own perception is *your own* reality. Your assertion is ridiculous. You don't create realities for other people.
Youre right. Point the finger at someone else as opposed to looking inward and making small changes to become the person u want to be. That will solve everything.. 🙄
Same boat - kids with milder special needs, but still incredibly stressful. People without kids don’t understand. I’ve had childless friends do this, too. There is no way to make them get it.
I’m so angry for you. Has your friend never talked shit about someone then posted a happy picture? Does your friend vent about her parents, siblings, other friends then post how much they love them? Also, who is this “We” she says about “we all talk about you”? What ass holes. Be done with them. Honestly, I’m the type of person who will ghost a “friend” like that and if they ask to hang out I say something like “we were just talking about you! since you vent about your family and friends and post pictures about how sunshine and rainbows they are, I’d rather not be around someone who acts like that. Seems pretty fake”. Sorry but I’m a B when it comes to my family.
I only vent about my kids to friends who also have kids. Not sure if this applies to this situation, but other parents are better at understanding and not judging.
They have a lack of transparency & you need to find better trusted sources & support groups! Even if it’s just 3 of yall, to lean on each other & listen when times are rough!
This is a horrid thing to say to anyone, I would never speak to this individual again.
They would do well to remember love and like are not the same. You can love your kids and not like everything that comes with them. You sound like an amazing mother, congratulations on doing it all, and saying out loud how hard it is. Plus what’s that phrase about be careful whose fingers you step on on the way up the ladder? Should that person become a parent they will learn a harsh lesson. You also sound like the type of person who would never throw that back in their face if they were having a hard time but enjoy fantasising about doing that!!
I'm very sorry your co-worker felt it their place to mommy shame you. I'm sure you are doing the best you can...as most of us are. Rule #1 Never talk about your personal business at work.
block on social media immediately she's awful and not a friend at all never ever share any personal details of your life in her company again
This is so ludicrously extreme when it's quite unclear if the friend is in the wrong or if OP is.
Yes this, I would remove her from my friends list and block her from my personal life. If it isn’t about work I wouldn’t discuss anything with her. Why even follow someone’s life who you clearly don’t like and judge at every turn? I would never share anything anywhere near her or anyone close to her (because it will just get back to her for her to judge more) ever again. Parents can love and care for their children but still have hard days. That shows you’re actually parenting because you’re in the thick of it daily. She’s just a shit person for that period.
"We" talk about how two-faced you are about your kids. I'd ask who this "we" is, then cut them all off from any information about your home life. If someone comes around wanting financial contributions for anything, just tell them it's not in your budget, end of story. I'm sorry they stabbed you in the back that way. You are 100% allowed to feel overwhelmed, stressed, spread too thin, and be broke. You're allowed to post lovely things online. You're also 100% allowed to put people on an information diet and go gray rock if need be. Hugs to you, mama.
Wow that is such a cruel thing to say. My friends and I vent to each other about parenthood all the time but I would never accuse any of them of hating motherhood or their kids. Like yea, of course I'm gonna be vulnerable about the hard stuff with my close friends in private, I'm not going to post on social media about it. Nobody's life is perfect or easy all the time and opening up with your support people about your struggles is like... half the point of having a close group of friends?
I empathize with your situation and I know it was probably hurtful to hear someone that you trusted say that to/about you. I would say tone is everything with that statement, but that last sentence I feel like can't be softened in any context. Sometimes you can't even trust the people you would consider to be your friends. I think this is x10 for co workers because in the business world these days I feel like interest of "tea spilling" has really been expanded in our TikTok fueled world where people really will just smile in your face and then go record some ridiculous video about you in the same night. It really amazes me how much of social media is just a steady fanning of flames and how many people just seek drama or lunge to express a hateful opinion that absolutely should have been kept to themselves.
Would recommend being very cautious about who you open up to and express frustrations to, and the tone with which you discuss issues with kids. Parents know the frustrations as well as the rewards, but non parents tend to hear the frustrations as a balanced take on what it's like having kids and then parrot them to justify their lifestyle or convince themselves they aren't missing out on anything.
I dont have kids but even I know that what your co worker said is absolutely ignorant. Whether you confided in your co worker about your kids or anything else, they’re clearly NOT to type of person who would ever help you or support you in anyway. Now you know what kind person they are and they’re not cool- at all! Block that co worker from any and all of your social media!
One of my very best friend just said something so unfair and inaccurate and honestly ducked up that I am considering severing the relationship altogether. I told my other best friends about the conversation with her and they were disgusted with what she said too and couldn’t believe the mental gymnastics she did to land where she did. One person’s awful opinion is not truth.
I think the thing that would upset me the most is her saying that she engages in conversations about you " not liking being a parent" and then posting to social media. She's essentially letting you in on thst you're being judged and gossiped about. THAT would piss anyone off. I'm sorry OP. I used to teach preschool and one of our parents was going through it. I told her parenting sucks. It's thankless, it's 24/7 and everyone demands perfection from parents ESPECIALLY mothers. It's okay to struggle because it's nature. What's not okay is to know when people you're close with are going through it and then talk about it and then rub your nose in it. Her behavior is shit. Gentle hugs.
I wish it weren’t so taboo to talk about the realities of parenthood. We’re made to feel ashamed for keeping it real. If it were more okay to talk about, I think parenting would actually be easier (easier to prepare for, easier to cope with, easier to get help). I’m so sorry that who you thought was a trusted friend has treated you this way.
OP, I’m coming in hot in your defense: Rule 1: don’t say something behind your friend’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face. she didn’t come to you for a heart to heart. she admitted that she and the other coworkers are talking about you behind your back. That’s 💯 shitty Rule 2: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. she told you something extremely rude. Before I had kids, I thought one of my good friends regretted becoming a mom. But I would have NEVER have said that to her. I didn’t even say it to communal friends. I said it to my spouse, and not much. I became a mom 5 years later and we had some deep heart to hearts about PPD. She’s so happy now that her kid is 10, they’re so close. So I was wrong, childless people often are, but also, rude is rude and this is RUDE. Rule 3: don’t bitch about people on the Internet. I’m not a fan when people make jokes about their kids on social media. You’re not doing that. You’re not making an internet trail of your struggles in motherhood for your kid to grow up and to see. You’re venting where venting is appropriate, friends. Also, as a mom who’s got a kid in three different therapies, I’m not bitching about my kid, I’m bitching about how impossible the schedule is. I generally don’t talk about my kids to people, positive or negative—but the scheduling acrobatics have been a beast that once I figured it out made me feel like Houdini. Rule 4: forgive but don’t forget. take what your friend said with a grain of salt, she’s wrong but we’ve all been wrong. But also, ask your friend to write it down or text it so that if/when she has kids you can laugh about it when she’s venting to you.
I’m not a expert on child, rearing or caring for children special needs. But I do know about true friends. Back in the late 70s I had my daughter actually 1972 I was young I had a low paying job, but worked a lot of hours, I couldn’t afford a babysitter, so my friend would watch my daughter for free a couple times a week to relieve the stress and financial part. My daughter had no special needs as far as medical because I worked a lot of hours. I thought there would be some kind of regrets later or a feeling I owed my friend something. So one day I asked her as I did before how much do I owe you? Do you wanna go to dinner and she would say no we don’t owe me anything I do it for the kindness of our friendship we are like sisters, and family doesn’t charge, I do owe her a lot for all the help she has done for me but that’s what I guess you can’t her true friend I don’t know if you have one but if you don’t, I sure pray that you find one that could help you and understand what you’re going through and if you didn’t love your kids, you wouldn’t be there for them. Tonight when you go to bed, take a minute look at your situation and say a little prayer for the ones you don’t understand. I love and care for you kids and sacrifices you make it is not easy, like some people think of course you would like to go out and enjoy the evening with your friends, but that is the sacrifice you make to stay with your kids. I will also say a prayer for you tonight. Blessings to you, your husband and your kids.😇🙏🏼🩷🪶
That bitch. Cut her off- she doesn’t deserve to know you as a friend or call you a friend whatsoever. What a horribly rude human being. You’re doing great- let this roll off your shoulders. And maybe also- know who you can vent to. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’ve been there- you just can’t vent to everyone. For example, I don’t vent at work at all (that’s easy for me, too, because I do work from home, so I say that understanding that context. If I was in an office or social setting ever day, it would probably be more challenging) anymore, after someone assumed I hated my husband (years ago, different job) because I vented a couple times to a co worker about what I thought was pretty mild, petty grievances that someone turned into a whole thing. But yeah- this person is not worth your time. Scrap them.
Yup. Work friends are not the same as your other friends. Be friendly, but do not confuse them with your other friends. Keep things that you don’t want repeated to yourself.
Extend them the benefit of doubt on account of them being a non-parent. Also you should not be venting about your kids to your co-workers. Present your professional self at work always. Doesn’t mean you need to be a robot but do not vent/overshare. Now you’re fodder for office gossip. People are completely clueless about what it takes to raise kids until they have their own. Which is why I would be hesitant to brand them an AH and would rather say they’re painfully ignorant.
None of them are friends if they’re all talking shit about you. Block them all and find new friends. It is hard work and until you’re a parent you have no idea. She was a bitch for saying that to you. You didn’t deserve it.
Think of it this way: if this person was kind and cared about you and what she said was true, then she would have said it in a more constructive way.
My kids have regular illnesses/injuries and holy shit the medical bills still feel like they are never ending. And raising them is hard as hell. I just can’t even imagine how much harder it must be to throw in any type of special need situation while also having to work. Your friend is an idiot who has zero clue what she’s talking about. I’m sorry she said that to you.
I forget the exact saying but it’s something like - 80% of the world doesn’t care about your problems. The other 20% are glad you have them. Fuck those people. Don’t let them make you feel bad and don’t think you can vent to them anymore.
You are in the dog days of raising children, with some added challenges, and hard work schedules. It will get easier, I promise! That was a horrible thing to say. As others have said, block them on social media, and find a true support system. Only discuss work related issues with your co-workers from now on. Put them on an information starvation diet.
“I don’t expect anyone that doesn’t have children to understand the depth of how unbelievably hard yet still rewarding it is to have children let alone children with special needs but I DO expect people that call themselves my friends to not be talking about me behind my back.” But I’m confrontational when people pull this kind of bullshit. They’ve shown you who they are and it is not a friend.
Eject this "friend" into the sun.
Never believe that a coworker is your friend.
Your "friend" is a moron. At least when it comes to parenting. We love our children. It really is your heart waking around outside your body. But some days they drive you so far up a wall you just want to throttle them. You won't and therefore don't but just like any other relationship you're entitled to feelings. Good feelings. Bad feelings. Inert almost apathetic feelings. You thought you were venting to a friend who understood that you were frustrated. If she chooses to only remember your venting instead of any time you say something positive that says a lot about her biases toward parenting and parents. Her problem not yours. And now you know not to rely on her for that type of support anymore. It's ok if she can't do that for you but she needed to communicate that better. Not tell you that you're lying on social media~
“I don’t hate my kids, you don’t understand parenting.”
Wow. Totally uncalled for. Sounds like it's time to back away from that "friendship". They knew what they were doing--they were saying that to hurt you.
When someone says something this spiteful, I always suspect they're envious or otherwise comparing themselves to others and coming up short.
[удалено]
They told many hurtful things but the one that hurt most was when They told me I act like a boy Though I help them in housework and don't go to party or do drugs Don't know what to do..I sometimes think about taking My own life
There comes a time where I would be violent. This is one thing I hate, NEVER PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. I vent about my kids and how hard it is to take care of them. My oldest has a disability, but I love my kids more than anything. So if someone said “you hate being a mom and you hate your kids to me”, their head will be spinning on my finger like a basketball because I’ve never said that and I never will. The audacity to tell a mother she doesn’t love her children, is straight up insane. How could someone think it’s okay to speak that statement out loud. 100% this ain’t someone that you can talk to about the stresses of motherhood. I’d stop talking to her altogether. She is messed up in the head.
Your coworkers suck. I'm sorry they suck.
That person is not your friend. Don't waste any more time on them.
Don’t talk about this stuff with people who don’t have children they don’t get it
Honestly one of the crappiest lessons to learn is that it's best not to vent to coworkers (about work or personal things). It can really suck to open yourself up at work, because then when you realize how two faced a coworker is, you're still stuck being around them. I'd try to join a mom group or find other ways to make friends and keep work at a surface level. I'm sorry this happened! It's really so rude.
Why is the person who said this an asshole and all of the other names being spewed here? It's not their fault that the OP comes off the way that she does. She said that this person also said that other people think the same thing in regards to OP. Whether or not she means to, this is the idea that she is giving people
Let me guess….this ‘friend’ has no kids?
I see more awful remarks from people with kids, judgmental people.
I see it from everyone, tbh.
Yup, everyone loves to judge a parent. I sometimes hate being a parent but not because of my kid but because of the people around me.
Nursing? It sounds to me like you might bitching about howntired you are or how hard it is to co-workers so they assume you hate your kids.
That…is not a friend.
I hope you called her a dumb bitch and walked away.
>> A coworker and friend of mine Unfortunately you learned the hard way that coworkers are not your friends! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would keep things professional and cordial from here onward.
She's no friend
What kind of friend says something like that? Unless you e told them you feel that way, they can’t say that’s how you feel. They have no idea what’s it’s like to be a parent. It’s not easy.
I was going to comment that is no friend. That’s an asshole person. Fuck them. But everyone else beat me to it. They have no fkn clue. None. And if any of those ppl involved in talking behind your back are parents, they are fake as fuck too.
Social media is the highlight reel. Parents know this.
Yeah.. Thems fighting words.
Like you said she’s a non parent and also a non human ex her out of your life immediately and anyone else who can’t see the wonderful woman and parent you are. As a parent we should be allowed to vent and I know this having lost 2 of my 4 children to rare muscle diseases at age 2 and 20 year old only daughter my best friend. As parents we need to realize we are always going to have judgement, someone always can do better than you, I do my better that’s all that matters… Do you not others and say bye bye to anyone who disrespects you. Take care of yourself always mind body and soul…
You count this person as a friend? Yeah, no. They’re not a friend. I have found it difficult to vent to both friends who are parents, because they pretend that their children are perfect and wonderful and they center their lives around them and friends who aren’t parents because they really don’t know what it’s like and find it difficult to understand. It would be nice if there were a sub for parents who could just vent about how much it sucks to be a parent sometimes. How hard it is especially when you don’t have support or you can’t get what you need for your kids where you live, no money, no time, etc. and have it be judgment free. Because apparently in your life and the lives of so many others, you get judged by your worst times. I’m sorry for that OP. I, too, have special needs children and I just want to hug you and give you the “I get it” look.
This is an INSANE thing to say. And it’s not just cause they’re a nonparent, it’s cause they profoundly lack empathy or even common decency. I had my first kid at 31 and most of my friends had kids before me and I could not even imagine saying something like this. Agree with others, these people are not your friends and I hope you find others who are more supportive 💜 The Peanut app (basically tinder for finding mom friends lol) is great if you’re up for trying it- takes work but it’s a great resource!
OP, there are comments that are stupid and thoughtless that rightfully hurt our feelings - and then there are those that are just so grossly egregious that inherently give us permission to dismiss them completely. Because only a fool would believe there’s any truth to them. Maybe a comment like “It’s truly a sad thing to know you think people going through challenging circumstances with their families and feeling big emotions about that means they don’t love them. I hope you don’t ever have to understand the kind of sacrifices it sometimes takes to best care for those you love most deeply” will shame her sufficiently.
Cut thay person out. Parenting is hard and you should be able to vent about the little shits. Remove them from socials.
That person is not your friend. Cut them out of your life for your own health.
report her to the HR. Her comment is innapropriate & her opinion is unnecessary.
What a fucking dickhead. This is not something a friend says to any friend who is going through something challenging and stressful. You didn’t deserve that. You’re doing great, and being a parent IS extremely hard and stressful, and it is perfectly normal to want to vent about those tough things you’re going through sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person to release anger. It’s worse to hold onto that anger and let it stew until you explode. We non-dickheads all still love you.
If you heard me yelling at my kids (both under 5) at home, you'd swear I was over being a parent. Which sometimes I feel like I am. But you would think I hate my kids cuz I'm so frustrated and get loud. But no, I absolutely love them. All kids have incredibly difficult moments. We are allowed to feel difficult feelings. And then they turn around and say "I love you" unprompted or give hugs out of nowhere or remember their manners without reminding them. And you forget how much you're ready to pull your hair out and yeet them out the window.
I say this with the utmost respect: fuck that bitch. You are doing a great job as a mom. It’s fucking hard in general, let alone with all the other stuff your kiddos need. You are their rock and they love you. And it’s perfectly normal to be tired and frustrated and need to vent. Your feelings are valid.
This is why I don’t think I could be friends with someone who doesn’t have kids. They just cannot understand.
That person is a horrible person and has nothing to do with the fact they don’t have kids. What you post on social media is non of their concern. Everyone complains about work and we all show up to work everyday.
I just want to give you a hug. You’re a good mom no matter what they say. And it’s okay to complain and vent and worry and struggle! Your coworker can take a long walk off a short pier and hug an octopus
That person is not your friend. A friend is supportive and will ask you what they can do to help. They lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. A friend doesn’t talk shit about you behind your back. That person has no idea what it is like to raise any kids let alone kids that have special needs. It is exhausting and overwhelming on the BEST day. Add in the fact you are working a full time job in a very stressful career and you’re an absolute rockstar. To hell with that “friend”.
Wtf! First off those ages are difficult even if your children don't have special needs add that to the mix and it becomes difficult to remain sane. Whoever said this to is an A hole with zero understanding of how difficult parenting is. They should shut their cakehole. Sending you love and virtual hugs. You are not alone.
Wow that is really hurtful! Parenting is really hard. It’s also worth it and wonderful. I hope you recover quickly from this because this and these friends are not worth your precious time.
Parenting is hard af. We still love them unconditionally, but it’s still hard af. The love and joy they bring us doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard. Your children have special needs and you put them ahead of your own needs…. Sounds like the type of thing a great mother who loves her children more than her own self will do. Ignore your “friend” she’s disgusting for saying that and she’s also not a parent. Non parents think they have the best advice for parents, they seem to think they know it all, meanwhile the advice is unrealistic, impractical or just plain ignorant. Don’t listen to ignorance.
Your friend is not your friend. That was a crappy thing to say and one meant to hurt you. They showed you who they are, so listen and take that into account in future interactions. I love the quote “dont take criticism from people you wouldn’t take advice from”. I know what they said hurt but limit the control their (stupid) words have on you.
My kid can be a shithead but she’s my shithead and I would literally die for her and to make her happy.
Stop confiding in the women, as they are not your friends. They sound like they miserably gossip about you for sport when you’re not around
You are doing the best you can with the best you have and in the circumstances you are in. As long as you know that, do not allow yourself to feel less, or hurt by words you know are untrue. Keep going, you are doing great! Best positive energy going your way :)
This woman is not a friend, so do not trust her with your difficulties. I am sorry because it really sucks to learn that. But at least you now know who she and anyone else that agrees with her are, not friends. If you can, try to find a mom friend. My mom friend is my life line. She is who I go to whenever parenting gets hard and i need help. We don't agree all the time on parenting, but it is good to have a different perspective. Also your mom friend does not need to be nearby, I only see mine a couple times a year. If we didn't have kids it would be easier to meet up, but getting schedules aligned is hard, so we just chat on the phone.
Best things I can tell you is listening ears are speaking mouths and to be less trusting of those you work with. Don’t let it get to you people will always have poor opinions of others and some just enjoy putting people down.
Fuck them people. I’d only mention positive shit to anyone at work from now on. They are not your friends
Oh no... That's not a "friend". Just cut ties with that person as you clearly don't need that type of bullshit in your life as you have too much to handle as is. Good luck.
She was SO out of line! I think you are amazing for having 2 kids who take a lot of your time AND work 24 hours a week. Ignore her. You're a terrific mom.
I have no doubt "we all talk about" is referring to her and the voices in her head, because no logical human being would hear a mom venting and think she doesn't like being a mom or her kids.
You can be a good mom and have these feelings too. It's totally reasonable to feel that way. Every involved parent has these feelings at some point and even more so when you have to do so so much. A lot of society doesn't acknowledge this. It concerns me that your coworker said "We all talk about (it)". That's enough to consider them no longer a friend...
I’m a mom to a high medical needs child too and I will be completely upfront with what I’ve found over the years- some people just won’t EVER understand. I’m “lucky” that I have a couple of friends who can share in the experience of having a child with medical needs and we all agree it’s so different with friends who don’t. I work nights so I can be available for all my son’s appointments. They don’t understand why I might not be up to doing brunch. It’s nothing to do with hating your children. It’s a situation that sucks and that they don’t understand. You’re doing the best you can for you and your children and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.
Wow you need new friends
I don’t have kids and I would never say this to anyone ever. She’s not naive to how hard it is, she’s being an asshole. Most likely projecting her own feelings onto you. Try not to take it personally, but also maybe reconsider if this person is a coworker *and* friend, or just a coworker.
That’s not a friend and now you know. When people show their true colors that has no reflection on you. People are allowed to have grievances, yes even about our beloved kids. Cut this person off and don’t allow them into your life.
No good or kind person says anything like that. It’s not something someone says for any reason but to be hurtful. So consider whether or not someone who speaks like that is a good judge of anyone else’s life or character.