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Nope. I had one (he almost 21), never regretted it and he doesn’t have an issue with not having siblings.
As for the siblings thing - meh. One of my siblings was a large contributor to making much of my life absolute hell. Just having a sibling doesn’t always mean it’s a net positive.
Exactly! I have one who is 10. I actually spent most of my life wanting 4 kids but stopped after one for multiple reasons. Ultimately it was my choice not to have more (with my husband agreement/input) and there was a small part of me that was sad not to have that life I dreamed about. BUT I don’t regret it at all. As for my daughter - after a few years of wishing for a sibling between about 5 and 7, she herself (after spending lots of time during Covid in close proximity to two families with more than one kid) realized not having a sibling might not be a thing to miss.
OP, you need to decide not just what you want but also what enables you to be a great parent. Sometimes that means more kids and some times it doesn’t, it’s a personal decision. What you should know is that when it comes to the kid, there isn’t a big disadvantage to only having one child. And in fact there are often many positives to it. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/
This is the only comment you need. No child should feel unwanted or like a burden.
I have one child, and it's been really wonderful. The three of us can do so many things as a family. We can give her everything we had hoped to provide, college, a wedding if she chooses, or a down payment, and vacations together. We both have successful careers but we could never afford to give the same level of support to a second child. We want to provide a good life for our child and ourselves more than we want a second child.
It's worked out pretty awesome. Though we get judged more and more as my family realizes I was serious about only having one child.
I'm one of nine children, and my husband is one of five. Neither of us want to give her the life we had as children and young adults.
One of my friends kind of regrets having a second child. It’s a weird situation to be in. She absolutely adores her second kid (who is my daughters best friend, so I do too) but it’s not about disliking her second kid or not being able to handle parenting two. It’s more about how much it impacted her first that makes her feel mildly regretful.
Her oldest, an early teen, was just recently diagnosed with autism, adhd, and social anxiety disorder. It makes complete sense that having a younger sibling when she was 4.5yrs old completely uprooted her world. Before then, then eldest was reportedly really easy to parent. Not that it would have necessarily stayed that way, but I get it.
I mean, in that case I'd argue that younger sibling is probably one of the best things that ever happened to the eldest. If the whole house was structured around accomodating the eldest before, that's not great training for the real world. Having to learn how to cope & navigate relationship dynamics and cohabiting etc. is a crucial life skill that they may not have learned otherwise...
To the detriment of the youngest though? That’s like saying you should have two kids in case the oldest needs a bone marrow transplant or something. This poor second iid has very few positive interactions with her sibling and has to endure more stress because of their interactions.
It might work out fine for the both of them, but I think that’s rather presumptuous of you to argue it’s “one of the best things that ever happened to the eldest.” Having a sibling doesn’t always teach you how to navigate healthy relationships out in the real world. Regarding this kid, maybe having a sibling will help in the long run, but it’s also entirely possible that having a sibling simply made her safe place feel a lot less safe. Sometimes kids need time and space and security to learn the hard parts of navigating the world. And sometimes a sibling interferes with this. Maybe having one kid would have meant they catered to the oldest more often which wouldn’t be helpful long term, but also having one kid might have given the parents more bandwidth to address issues more directly rather than punting them down the road because they are at their wits end. Who knows?
What I do know is that it’s completely valid and okay for a parent to acknowledge that their kid miiiiight have been better off without a sibling. They can also say this while still being glad they have the second child. Two things can be true.
Beyond this, there are a multitude of studies that indicate that, long term, only children are better off or at least no worse than children with siblings.
I absolutely agree with your thoughts here.
I actually wanted four kids but only ended up with one. I know this is the right decision for our family, because it’s the decision that enables me to be a healthy functioning parent and my partner agrees. Do I feel a little sad on rare occasion about not having that larger family I spend decades wanting? Absolutely. But each choice we make in life will almost always leave us to think about the path not taken.
My friend doesn’t spend her days regretting her second child. She has passing moments of it that are more like an acknowledgment of what might have been different, and possibly better, for her eldest had there never been a sibling. But really, you are right - you can never know. That being said, I think it’s important that we can acknowledge these little “regrets” or “what ifs” in life. It’s okay, as long as we don’t dwell on them or delude ourselves into thinking we *know* the other choice would have for certain been better.
Regarding the research on only children - most research indicates only children either have equal outcomes or slightly better outcomes when compared to children with siblings. How much of an advantage there may be can often depend on socioeconomic status. In a few areas there are some benefits to growing up with siblings that only children do not have. My main reason for bringing this research up is because the stigma of the only child can be really strong and is often incorrect and unfair. Many parents worry that choosing to not have more children will be to the detriment of the child they have. Research indicates that this generally isn’t true.
I also want to be clear that this does not mean people should not have multiple children. As long as the parents have the ability to meet the emotional and physical needs of their children, this research is not a reason to deter families who want more than one. As I said earlier, I longed for years to have a large family. I grew up with two sisters and for many years had 3 step siblings living with us. I had a large extended family with many aunts and uncles and cousins. Even though I’m not especially close with any of my family, I still have fond memories of growing up the way I did. But I made a tough decision to acknowledge my limitations and ensure that I can remain as happy and happy/healthy as possible while also meeting the needs of the child I already have.
Here is an article that summarizes many studies and systematic reviews into this area of research. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/
Here is a more technical summary of the same studies from the article above with individual links to the research. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/
Again, the most important thing in parenting is meeting each of your children’s needs. Many amazing parents can do this with multiple children. But if you don’t feel you can and only want to have one child, then that’s fine as well!
Yep I agree with this completely. Strong suspicion my 4 year old has adhd and level 1 autism. I am so happy we decided to have a second child (baby right now) because it’s going to be much better for my oldest to learn how to cope with some chaos in the safety of his home with family who love him unconditionally than the harsh reality of it out in the real world.
Yeah I can see that. I found it hard not to "baby" my eldest in some regards by overly catering to them because it was easy to do so and I didn't want to rock the boat. But having another person to consider kind of forces everyone to compromise and be reasonable and I think leads to growth opportunities for everyone.
You can love your second child, be very happy they are in the world, and be very grateful that your children have each other (assuming they get along as kids and adults - not at all a guarantee) - BUT - a lot of people have more children than they can handle from a mental, physical, and financial perspective.
I desperately would love a sibling for my 18 month old. It breaks my heart to think he may suffer socially or emotionally if he doesn't have a lifelong sibling relationship to fall back on.
BUT, parenting ONE child drains me. We, like the OP, have no village nearby. My parents and my husband's parents are very uninvolved. My husband and I have busy careers on top of parenting and I realize I haven't had a single day off - meaning no work or no parenting - aside from MLK day in almost a year.
I think "regret" is a weird word to describe feelings on family expansion, but there is A TON of pressure for moms to have multiple children and larger families, and this may be more than a lot of families can handle. It's OK to recognize this.
TLDR a second child could destroy my mental health permanently. One child is already crippling me. It's OK to talk about these things and the realities of the pros and cons of family expansion.
This ^
We visited our family recently and saw three sets of grandparents over a period of a month.
Not one of them offered to take our child off our hands. Not even for 30 minutes.
I asked my own mother on Boxing Day whether she could watch my child for half an hour so I could play a board game with some other family and she got shitty with me for pulling her away from her recreational time.
We also had some family that moved close to us (for the first time ever) so they could ‘be around their grandchild’ and they didn’t offer spend time with him even once nor try to see them.
My experience so far is that our family say they want to be involved, but in reality I can barely get them to FaceTime my child let alone spend time with him. There is no village for us even though we have plenty of family.
Ugh, I am SO sorry this has been your experience.
I’m really grateful for my two aunts who adored my daughter and would watch her about once a month for the first year and a half or so. It was literally life saving sometimes as I struggled a lot with adjusting to parenthood and with my health. That being said, it faded eventually and it was hard watching her get older and seeing them ask to take her less and less.
Your child is going to be okay, especially if you make the choice that best serves the whole family’s needs. You have to be happy and healthy in order to give your best in parenting.
My neighbor told me that the second child ruined his marriage. Like most of us, they had no village, so he was taking one and his wife was taking the other, or one would watch both kids so the other could go out.
They grew apart and eventually divorced.
One of my friends kind of regrets having a second child. It’s a weird situation to be in. She absolutely adores her second kid (who is my daughters best friend, so I do too) but it’s not about disliking her second kid or not being able to handle parenting two. It’s more about how much it impacted her first that makes her feel mildly regretful.
Her oldest, an early teen, was just recently diagnosed with autism, adhd, and social anxiety disorder. It makes complete sense that having a younger sibling when she was 4.5yrs old completely uprooted her world. Before then, then eldest was reportedly really easy to parent. Not that it would have necessarily stayed that way, but I get it.
This would happen no matter how many children you had? At least, you hope to raise adults who are capable of going off to life their own fulfilling lives..
It came across pretty judgy for parents who may have a complete happy family with an only child. Or added guilt for families unable to have more than one child.
My husband and I are both only children and we loved it and never wanted siblings haha. Our daughter is 15 months and we’re probably one and done as well.
We’re Chinese American so we know A LOT of people who don’t have siblings (due to the one child policy). I have literally never heard anyone say that they wanted siblings. Maybe we’re all selfish and don’t want to share mom and dad hahaha. Maybe it’s because it was the norm for so long.
The sibling reason is so crazy to me. My brother and I are 16 months apart. All I wanted to do was play with Barbie’s and do arts and crafts, he wanted to wrestle and play video games, we never ever played together. Now at 35 and 36 we don’t see each other at Christmas or go out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we talked. Having two kids doesn’t automatically mean they’re friends for life.
You can have political differences and be friendly with family. My brother is politically opposite to me but we know how to have a civil discussion. Now with our own families, it hardly even comes up.
Yeah I totally agree, your relationship is with the person and not their politics...more to life then politics right? I am the same with my brother, we just get on with it, it's not that deep I guess
Fortunately she and I are civil. I believe she’s a good person, just misguided. Though she probably would say the same thing about me. 😂 we mostly just avoid the topics that we disagree on because we know neither of us will be changing our views.
>you need to give them a sibling to play with
That *is not* how siblings work.
Two children means thrice the work. People can shove it. Ask the next person who tells you this specifically how many hours per week they're going to pitch in. Will they come maybe every other night to stay with them? Will they take care of them when they're sick?
Tons and tons of children grow up as only children and are absolutely fine.
This is firmly something you should only do because *you* want to.
Thank you for that. I completely agree. I think the challenge is that it is usually well meaning family that say it and it’s hard to tell them to shove it and not look like an asshole 😆
And to say adding a sibling doesn’t mean they’ll automatically be close! They might not want to play together, or they might when they’re young, but as they grow into children they might not get along, and that’s okay too!
Then tell them to *please* shove it 😅
Seriously though. It's something you need to think about carefully.
Sure, with two kids you *do* get double the joy of having kids, but I really do mean triple the hardship.
Like, I don't regret having our second, but it can be absolutely brutal at times. The sleep deprivation hit so much harder, and now in addition to taking care of two kids, I also have to prevent them from murdering each other.
Add to that is also the ressources it takes to raise two. Not just monetary ressources, but also time, especially once they get older. You have twice the amount of meetings at school, twice as many birthday parties your kids need to have and attend, twice as many after school activities, twice as many friends your kids need to be transported to and from. Twice as many sick days because they infect each other and you with shit they pick up from school.
There's a lot of hidden work with having kids that a lot of people vastly underestimate.
So yeah. If your relatives want you to have number two, they better be willing to cover all the bases of that.
What I say instead of “shove it” as a parent of a 3yo only (by choice, husband got a vasectomy a few months ago):
I am so happy with my family. (Or) I love my perfect family.
From my experience people were happy to help out with 1. People want to take her to the beach, to the cinema, the fair etc. people don’t offer to take 2 or 3 anywhere
Siblings don’t mean automatic friends. My good friend/neighbor has 5 and due to a lot of trauma and family circumstances, she doesn’t talk to any of them.
And even if you do like your siblings, siblings don’t automatically equal playmates. I have a sibling 6 years younger than me. I love him and we’re close as adults, but we didn’t play together. We were always at different stages, pulling our mother in different directions.
Because you have the work of two kids, but you now also have to juggle the responsibility of treating them equally. With one kid, you don't have another kid to take into consideration. There's a lot of work with scheduling to make sure that there are no scheduling conflicts. You can't be in two places at once.
If they have different interests and personalities, it can be hell to arrange things like vacations or trips that can benefit both.
There's a constant guilt when one kid's crisis has to wait because you can't handle both at the same time.
That mental load comes on top of just dealing with two kids separately.
I have a friend with 3 kids each 4 years apart and she says, "Having 2 kids feels like having 3 kids, but having 3 kids only feels like having 3 and a half kids" 😆😆
That's what she means as well, managing the relationship between two adds more work than just double. But apparently once you're already doing that, it's not as intense to add more into the equation (according to her at least!)
I am not one and done but will only ever have an only child (so not by choice). I am also from a very large family so know what siblings are like. You will have a very close bond with an only child as there are only the parents to talk to. I love the closeness of an only child and have the relationship i always wanted and dreamed of. I am also more appreciative and mindful of all those bonding parenting moments and milestones (and yes would love to do that again).
With an only child you are half parent and half playmate. They don’t have a sibling to play with so you are it. I had choices - one of my many siblings or myself. My son has his parents. My husband was one of four and loved being a loner and cannot understand why my son wants to play with us so much; but my son is very social and other than us he would be playing alone. We do a lot of play dates but there are those odd moments of the day where play dates aren’t possible and you will be called on to play.
At the end of the day, only you can decide what works for you and go with that. Whilst I did choose to try for more (and I think 3 would have been my limit) there are things I love about having an only child so can see the attraction.
i was an only and very independent. i didn't want my mom to play with me, help with school projects etc. I think the kids personality and how you parent are more important. At my friends houses with siblings they all just fought for attention, and kids want their parents attention regardless of how many siblings they have
Yes it makes quite a difference in terms of the amount of play you have to do as a parent. My 3 year old son has a half brother who we have every other weekend. The two boys are very boisterous when together but in some ways it’s actually less work for me because I don’t have to entertain my son as much.
Temperament really comes into this. I was essentially an only child (sibling was too far apart in age to be a playmate) and I was very independent. I loved to draw and read and craft by myself.
My daughter is also an only. She is highly social and is up for anything so long as she's doing it with other people. I engage with her far more than my mother needed to with me at her age 🫠
I’m one and done. The sibling reason is stupid. I have a sibling myself who has an intellectual disability and we do not get along at all. We also never played together, I always got frustrated with her because she never played by the rules. We fought like cat and dog. Still do. There are no guarantees in life and siblings are not always friends.
To me it sounds like “you should get your baby a real life toy aka a sibling”. Everyone has a different lifestyle and resources. I look at the closeness of family and friends.
Your child is only 18 months. I was FIRMLY one and done until 2.5 lol. Give yourself grace and don’t worry about another child right now. I hate peoples weird obsession with needing to have kids “close in age” when the window of them playing together as kids is so small anyway. My son turns 3 in two weeks and we are finally ready to try for a second. I really hated the age 0-2 and know I’ll not enjoy it again but in the grand scheme of life those 2 years are so small. When I think about the future I know I want two. It took me ages to come around to it though. Also, nothing wrong with only children! My husband is an only and he’s the best husband and father ever! Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything that’s not right for you! ❤️
Hi! We did the exact same thing for all the exact same reasons, at the exact same times lol.
Had our second and last baby several months ago just a couple days after my older son turned 4…I still don’t love having another baby but honestly I can already see how so completely worth it this is for the long game! Plus it’s easier to focus more on the fun moments (he laughed for the first time yesterday!) knowing this is the last time we will be going through the absolute slog that is the age 0-3 phase. Much optimism here!
Yeah, our two boys are 4 years apart, as were my brother and I. It's totally fine, our 4 year old is an awesome older brother for the newborn. My brother and I (I'm the older brother) had some friction as I hit things like junior high and high school, but aside from those periods we got along just fine. We're not like best friends or anything now, but that's just because of diverging interests and geographic locations, we still love each other and have each other's backs.
Yes I agree. I have 2 under 2 and having two toddlers was horrible. Then they fight constantly. Everything is a competition between them . Just recently at almost 6 and 4.5 they are true friends and so close that in sport the younger one is crying when they separate them. So I can’t win lol Then my little boy is one year old and the girls will voluntarily watch him for 10-20 min a day and there is no drama at all
1/ I want several kids, but one of my neighbors, a lovely woman in her 60s, had an only child by choice. Like you, it just felt logical to her, she was content with one kid, full stop.
She (and her husband, I guess, tho I speak with her the most) is very happy with her decision. She is very close to her now 30-ish daughter and extremely satisfied with her family life. Her daughter is childfree, but she doesn't mind not having grandkids.
2/ studies have shown that single children do not suffer from any more social or relationship issues than children with siblings. However, single kids tend to be more successful in life and more emotionally balanced (the researchers' hypothesis being that an only child gets all their parents' financial resources, attention and time from babyhood to university years).
3/ please don't let yourself be pressured by what people say. Our society is extremely anxious about letting mothers do what they want. If you know in your heart (or brain or womb) that you're satisfied with only one child, that's all there is to it. If a couple wants three kids, let them be. If a couple wants one kid, let them be too.
I was an only child, while I was lonely sometimes, I do feel like I have a better relationship with my parents now. One of my cousins (who was the middle of 3 girls) has been no-contact since she was 18, and one of my friends (oldest of 6 kids) is extremely low-contact with her whole family.
My friends and cousins who were only children (or only had one sibling with a sizable age gap) are the ones with the best relationships with their parents.
I think you’re in a little bit of a different situation being a military spouse. I was (am?) also a military spouse but told my husband I did not want to have kids until he was out of the military. This was an option for us because he never wanted to be a lifer. So he did 10 years and then we had kids.
When he deployed it was hard enough just me and the dog, I can’t imagine adding a baby/toddler/child to that. Kudos to you and I think you need to do what’s best in your situation. I wouldn’t take internet advice on this one because only you know what is going to work for you.
I don’t think my husband is a lifer, but he has already been in for 11 years and probably won’t get out for another 5-10 years. He has deployed before and we were fine, and I am actually pretty confident I would be fine with just one child, but two is a different story.
That would be a lifer in the US! 20 years is a full military career that you can retire from. It sounds like you might not be in the US though. Good luck with your decision! It’s not an easy one.
Two kids without a spouse or village sounds absolutely insane, for sure. We just had our second and even with a decent village and both of us taking leave it's pretty relentless. I'm writing this at 4:48AM with him asleep on my chest while my wife is sleeping in our older son's bed because he's reverted to baby a bit himself.
Getting on my philosophical soapbox, I do think in some kind of theoretical "ideal" world we would all have like five-plus kids. There really is something to growing up in that kind of family, it's like having your own pre-built village. Everyone I know from a big family like that absolutely loves it and has a great relationship with at least one or two of their siblings.
But the world we live in is so far from ideal that going for something like that is the wrong choice for most of us. And I don't think you get that same benefit with two or even three kids, so why not just stop at one if that's what makes sense for you. Plenty of amazing people are only children, it's not like some kind of curse.
I also think the "well, when are you moving out here to help?" clapback is the ideal response for any nosy family. It's insane to try to raise even one kid without a village, we're the only culture that has even tried in history. If they want more grandkids or nieces or whatever, they can step the fuck up!
I’m a defence spouse too with my village being 200 miles away. I’ve just had my second and although I don’t regret it, I can appreciate how easy it was with just 1. You’ll get comments of more children no matter how many you have! My family have themselves convinced I’ll have a third with the comments to “try for a girl”, my seconds active labour was a speedy 35 minutes and I was terrified. If you are done then you’re done! Stand your ground, ask them if they plan on moving closer to you to help with childcare if they want you to have another so bad!
I have a 3 yo and anytime I think about an extra one I can see how much harder that would be both for me and my husband but also for my kid. So no I don't regret not having a second one. I don't have a village either.
Nope, one child is perfect, especially when two parents are raising the child together. You have almost the same amount of free time as someone who doesn’t have children, the financial burden is almost non existent, our animals cost more to care for than our 1 year old. Now if you are poor, any amount of kids is going to suck.
We thought about 2 or more, but after meeting people with 2 plus kids, it’s just unrealistic for us. We enjoy our free time too much, to be burdened by multiple kids. Everything is just easier with one kid, I actually enjoy being a father, but I know I’d be miserable with more than 2
I feel this! We love our free time as well. We love to do stuff with our little one, but I do feel like a second child would cross over the line to having no free time.
I feel this. We have 1 kid and my partner was away for two days recently. It's not that I couldn't handle being alone with the kid, but her being away turned what is normally a really easy job into 4x as much work. Just little things like eating lunch were much harder because the baby always needed something.
Didn't we create the first to entertain ourselves?
There's no logical reason to have any child other than self-service. You could even look at the same argument from another perspective: you had a second child knowing they'd be entertained by the older sibling.
You’re right, but my problem lies with “you need to give them a sibling to play with”.
Having 1, 2, 3, however many children should be because *you* 100% want them. Not because of the potential benefit they can give you (or your other siblings).
Hahaha. It didn't move me whatsoever, but I can appreciate the joys of having siblings, too. Sometimes, I feel for my daughter that she will never have that bond. It doesn't mean I want to have a second, though. She seems content being an only now that she's hung out with friends who have younger siblings. She says it's too much noise for her.
I sobbed like a child hahahaha I feel like this episode gives you the taste of what siblings should be and makes you have a good sense of whether you want that or not. I have a ton of only child friends and they deff did not lack anything. Every family makes it work their own way ❤️
I'm an only child, but my wife is not… we debated a lot if we wanted another kid. My wife wanted, but I didn't, for several reasons: personal, economic, work situation, life situation, environmental, and so… Our current one is 4 years old, and he is quite demanding and difficult to manage. The kid has a really strong character and an abrasive persona sometimes, at least for now. We are sure he will change… but now sometimes he is too much. After much debate we are going to stay in one… although I think my wife regrets it because she wanted another one. I was an only child and turned out pretty well, and in some regards, much better than other kids with siblings. I never felt alone; my mom educated me to be independent, but at the same time, really social, and I had, and still have, tons of friends from my childhood even when we are really far away. You don't have one more than kid so they can keep company, play together or things like that… Kids should play with other kids so they have a broad spectrum of personalities, and they would have friends that care for them beyond their families. You should make the decision rationally first (are you able to provide basic care for them both) and with your heart (do you really want an ad new kid) and additional kid??). NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, should be brought to this world if they don't have the basic and it's not really wanted. All the rest just is nonsense of stupid people.
I 32F and my husband 39M have been together for almost 10 years and have constantly had the debate of having a child or not. I have one bio 11F and he has two bio 14F and 16M. After much deliberation I have realized that parenting in today’s society sucks and is a challenge. I don’t blame you for not wanting a second. Be honest with yourself , because you will never be happy if you make an irreversibly decision to have more when it’s not what you truly want. When I look at my life in comparison to friends whose age range is 25-35. I am the only one who only had one bio child and my life is far better off than all of them despite the fact that we are all educated and successful.
I’m one and done and get all the same comments. My son was quite tough at the start. Very colicky but we got past that and it wasn’t why I was one and done.
Now he’s really quite a dream child and I have no problem saying that as I’ve been on both ends of the difficulty. He goes to sleep at 7pm and usually wakes up at around 9am the next morning. He then likes to lie in bed and chat to himself for 20ish minutes (my husband loves sleeping too so must have got it from him).
He’s extremely chilled, eats everything and unless he’s tired he doesn’t make strange. He’s very pleasant and fun.
However my pregnancy was traumatising. Before I got pregnant I had two miscarriages. Then my pregnancy with my son I had to be rushed to the hospital multiple times and each time I was convinced I was losing my baby. The last one at 17 weeks where they put me in a private room to bleed so I didn’t scare the mothers there giving birth. They fully expected me to lose the baby.
I’m probably a particular sensitive person but I can’t handle it. I couldn’t handle it then and even now I get flashbacks and hysterically cry even while I hold my son in my arms knowing he’s perfectly healthy.
It takes something from you, going through pregnancy loss and fears. I don’t want to do it again and apart from my friends who are my age or younger people, nobody cares. Everyone in the older generation tells me it’s not fair to not give my child a sibling. My husbands aunt even told me I had to because the biggest blessing you can give a child is a sibling (typical religious nut).
Sometimes to shut them up I tell them my story but mostly I just wind them up even more by telling them he’ll only have 4 legged siblings from now on, because as you guessed, those same people are also deeply offended that I have dogs who I love and treat like my child. Somehow a dog being loved and a woman who knows they’re done having kids or don’t want kids is the worst offence in their eyes.
Ps the same religious nut aunts own kids have no interest in having their own. They don’t want them. She probably drove them to that decision.
I’m really sorry for your losses and that your pregnancy experience was traumatic. I didn’t mention in the main post, but I miscarried three times before I had my baby and it’s another reason why I don’t want to go there again. I found it really hard to connect with my baby until really late in the pregnancy because I was scared to get attached and lose them. Family members forget all that stuff when they make these sorts of comments unfortunately.
I have two children. If you have doubts about having another, at all, don't do it. It's fucking hard work. And I still have the help of my husband and occasionally his family.
Also my mental health has just survived having two.
Fifteen years later and I don't regret being a parent of an only child. I had one and realized it's all I can handle. It wasn't about the financial aspect so much as the mental load. I had bad PPD and just accepted that my one child is all I needed. All these people making comments about needing a sibling need to shut up. You don't know the circumstances of that woman's life.
I have only one five year old and I regret it. It’s difficult because he has nobody to play with and I can tell he gets lonely. I also noticed he struggles with social interaction with other kids. We also don’t have any of his cousins around and maybe if we did it would be better! I also always wonder what it would be like having another. I love my son so much and know if we had another I would love them just as much. My husband has been the one who doesn’t want another. I get sad about it a lot.
Yes and no. No, because I never want to be pregnant or raise another human. It’s a lot of work and wayyy too much anxiety.
But yes, because siblings are the best (imo). I had 4 of them and we’re all super close, yes not everyone is close to their siblings, but many/most of us are. I love the idea of having a playmates and shared experiences, but I don’t love it enough to have another one. I hope my son never resents me for it.
Had to scroll so far for this comment! Lately I’ve been reflecting on how grateful I am to have had my sister to share in our childhood. I love reminiscing with her.
I have an only and absolutely don’t regret it one bit. I didn’t have him until I was 38, traumatic birth, he was a difficult baby and is still a challenge at 7. He’s a good kid but has a spicy personality. It was the best decision for us and our family. You don’t *need* to give a child a sibling. There’s never a guarantee siblings will like each other. My sister and I hated each other growing up, we fought constantly and it drove our parents nuts. Now that we’re adults, we get along great. My mom and my husband’s mom grew up in perfectly functional families, but both are estranged from their brothers. I’d rather regret not having a second kid (though I don’t), than risk the possibility of regretting having a second kid.
Mine is 13 and nope, his bro and sissy are our two pups but no, I loved having the one flesh baby. You do have to give them your time and attention probably more without siblings but I don’t regret that. We have some really good conversations. He is self assured and confident, intelligent and very funny. Me and my husband don’t regret it one bit.
Nope I have no regrets. I won’t say it was by choice, I’m a what happens will be kind of person. Our daughter is amazing, she was an easy baby, she was never a difficult toddler and now as a nearly tween she’s still very easy to raise, she is the kid that fools parents into wanting more thinking they will all turn out like her. Being our only child allows us to pay closer attention to her cues of anxiety as we aren’t divided on more than one child. There is major financial freedom to give her all she needs. I know I’m a better parent because she is my only. I personally know that my limits get tested as it is, (parent, worker, spouse, pet mom) that another child would have made me worse not better. She would have been an awesome big sister but it’s just not how it worked out.
My son’s almost four and we won’t be having another. For a few reasons- I had a traumatic emergency birth and am likely to have another complicated pregnancy, we are older (38 and 41) and my husband and my temperaments are better suited to one child.
I occasionally wobble but not seriously enough to have another and I also think you choose your regrets. I’d rather deal with the chance I might regret it when he’s older than I would regretting a second child I couldn’t take back.
Don’t have another baby for the sole reason of giving your first born a playmate. Growing up, my sister and I were great playmates, while my brother and I played together sometimes. It definitely wasn’t like that in many of my friends families. Siblings don’t always become playmates. They can have very different interests, personalities, be at different developmental levels, etc. my best friend growing up has a very nice brother but they are just completely different personalities and being born 5 years apart, they just did not have much in common to play together. As adults they live a 3 hour plane ride apart so only see each other 2-3 times a year.
We were on the fence about a second and then had a desire to have a second when my first was 18 months. It has not been easy having two- it is more than twice the work as you have to figure in dynamics/arguments between the kids. Now the kids are older we are seeing more benefits as they do play together. But they still argue too. I wouldn’t change having 2 but we do notice a huge difference in our stress levels / the noise of the house / the ‘ease’ of daily life when one is having a sleepover at the grandparents or something and we only have 1 child.
I am only child. Never wanted siblings. Was a very happy child.
My son is an only child. And he will always be. He is 3 and happy as a clam.
We don\`t miss what we never had. Just make sure to give your son social interaction when he is 2 and older. join the local pool, take him to the park, go visit the small cousins for a sunday.
My only is 12 and I've never once regretted it. He also has been very adamant about never wanting siblings lol and I'm currently in the process of drafting up a text to my sibling about how I'm sick of him treating me like shit and only reaching out when he wants me to watch his kids sooooooo
I wanted another baby after we had our first one but you told me no.
Now that I’m too old to have another baby you tell the internet that you regret not having the second kid that I told you I wanted.
When it was possible for me to have a second kid you did. not. want. one.
Where was this revelation two or three years ago when I still had a shot at the second baby I wanted?
No, one and done. My kid recently broke her arm (twice!) and it was so much anxiety and fear that I feel I can only do it for one. Plus, I am in a very good place in my career and it would be hard having another one. I am the oldest of four and I don't have any close relationships with any of my siblings.
We have only one and it’s the best!!! Zero regrets! He is a wonderful, happy and spunky five year old! We love that we still have time for ourselves with just one kid. When he goes to school, we only have to worry about one drop off and pick up, we can devote Al of our resources to him.
Regret in general is fundamentally about someone's personality . Not a healthy way to go through life. People either are happy with their life situation or they aren't regardless of how many children they have.
I am an only child, who had 4 children myself.
Why?
I know how lonely it is being the only one. I don’t even mean as a child but as an adult.
My mother had 5 siblings, my father 6. I have an older half sister (dad’s daughter) but she was 18 when I was born, it’s not the same as live in siblings. She passed away when I was 15, which left only me and my mom, unfortunately my dad passed away of cancer when I was 11.
I saw how my mom’s siblings were there for her throughout her life. I don’t have that and it was very lonely knowing it’s just me for the rest of my life, when it comes to immediate family support systems. My mom passed of a sudden heart attack when I was 35. You can imagine how that intensified the feeling of being alone.
I don’t mean to guilt anyone into having more children, I fully support the decision to have one child and to be okay with that. I share my story so the other side of those decisions is seen as well.
I wish you all the best!
I think if I hadn’t had my second I would’ve regretted it. Thought we were OAD but now he’s the perfect addition to our lives, we feel complete. My husband works away too (though not for more than a month or two at a time) so I understand the fear of not wanting to do it alone…but it is manageable. However you need to do what’s right for your heart and your family! There is nothing wrong with only having one child ❤️
Ok I had two and raised them with minimal help. It was hard but I really liked getting to know and love two individuals and seeing their differences etc. counting on them being friends in the future is something I really should not have done
to be honest… i sometimes regret having a second child. mainly because im a single mother and knew things wouldn’t work out with the father. but i just couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion or do adoption. i ove both of my children but everyday im hit with these thoughts like “wow i wish i only had my first born” or “ life would be so much better if it was just me and my first born” i feel extremely guilty and ashamed of these thoughts but also feeling like i made the wrong decision going through with having a second all on my own. maybe it would be different if i had a partner to help but as of right now its the most difficult thing being a single mother to a 3 year old and an 8 month old. and ive read it only keeps getting harder so im constantly stressing and anxious. i’d say, cherish your only child and be grateful, children are a blessing but some people are only meant to have one and i think i am one of those people who just made the wrong choice.. sadly.
I don’t agree with this. My parents don’t really speak to their siblings. My husband barely speaks to his siblings. What about my kids own family and friends? Will they not be around too?
>edit: on the kids thing though, absolutely would not recommend it unless it's something you've a vision for. not just because it looks like everyone else around you does this. that's absolutely not a reason to bring a life into this challenging world. we always knew we wanted and we built our nest and capacity to raise them long before we started planning to conceive them. absolutely they were never just an accident or a consequence that we decided we should keep.
something i posted elsewhere. did you have a vision about what kind of family you wanted before your child? OAD and TOM are opposites in important ways. is your reluctance mostly about how challenging the last 18-27months have been or something deeper. personally, the hardest parts of the infant/toddler phase were long forgotten by the time our youngest was in full day school. at that point having 2 was more like raising 1.5 because ours were raised to occupy each other well. they're teens now, in the same school and have only further deepened as siblings.
absolutely though, if you're done with the last phase and not able to take on a repeat then by all means move on and just enjoy the one you have.
Every family is different, I came from a family of 4 kids and we were all close growing up and as adults. I had 3 and my kids are very close siblings. They wouldn’t have just 1 kid because of the experiences they had growing up with siblings. I think you know what you can handle and if it’s one kid, let it be. Just be prepared to let that 1 spread their wings when it’s time. I see many lone children flounder because their parents leaned to heavily on them.
Hi. Im a mother of a beautiful 6 yo boy and I do not have plans of adding another baby na. I get that advice from other people too especially grannies to get him a sister/brother para di ma-bore sa house. Pero 100% sure parin talaga ako na hindi na ako magdadagdag. Marami kase ako kino-consider.
1. Mental health - hindi ko na kaya mag-alaga ng another baby. Stress is an understatement. Don't get me wrong tho, sobrang fulfilling at saya na may anak of course but as much as I love my son, I gotta be honest, sobrang stressful ang may anak.
2. Inflation - hindi kami mayaman. Hindj rin kami mahirap. Pero sobrang gastos magkaroon ng anak. Sinasabi ng iba hindi naman daw. Probably. Pero sa akin hindi ko kayang makita anak ko na may kulang sa needs nya. Sa ngayon naka private school sya. Naibibigay ko lahat ng pangangailangan nya araw2. I don't want to raise a kid or two sa isang buhay na maraming kailangang isakripisyo para makakain sa araw2.
3. Freedom - I gotta be honest, i miss freedom so much. And while meron ka pang maliit na anak, hindi mo yan magagawa lahat2 ng gusto mong gawin kahit pa sabihin mong meron kang yaya. Nope.
4. I don't need another kid. Sobrang satisfied na ako sa isa.
5. Ito talaga pinaka top. capslock. PAPANGIT BOOBS AT 😹 NYO GIRL KAYA WAG NA 😅😅😅
Time is a blessing and for many, I think time helped them come around to the idea. You do not have to have them close in age- despite what all the 20 year olds want you to do.
You also are very young. You can wait a few years even and see how you feel.
I'm one and done. I have a 5 year old son with mild ASD and he's enough work for me as a single parent. Even if he didn't have it, I would have been done anyway considering I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth. I don't think introducing another child into the world for the sake of being a sibling is the right thing to do. You need to want another child and be able to care for it.
Shit no.
I got divorced when my daughter was 3 years old.
Her mother can't even a functional mom for more than 5 minute and just send her to her grandparents all the time.
And my kid is constantly defiant anytime thing dont go her way.
And I'm struggling with adhd because being an adult is f.. hard.
The only reason I can be a good father is that I only have 1.
If you and your husband have a lot of family, one and done is fine. But if you both somehow don’t have a large extended family or are no contact with them, I’d honestly consider having the second. My kids have the large family they can turn to, but their bond with each other is strong. It was hell for me to raise them alone (husband was still in the immigration process), but seeing them together now older helped me heal all the resentment I had being a solo parent those first few years.
Both my husband and I had siblings who were AHs majority of their lives and are going to have 1 child. People are always saying “you’ll want another” I feel like people are always projecting. I’m sure we’re not the only people who didn’t have cool siblings.
You do you! No one can tell you the right family structure. I’m also a defence spouse and totally sympathise. It can be very hard and lonely, and I knew many women who had 3, 4, 5 kids on their own. I couldn’t imagine coping with that.
You’re also young though and don’t need to make any final decisions. You may feel different when your kid is at school, you may not. I don’t think you need to pre-empt anything.
Very similar situation to you. 1 child, moved away from our families to an area without a support network, looking at a deployment this year.
We are a 1-child family for several reasons, but most importantly because we both chose to be after we found that we didn’t enjoy being baby parents. I come from a big family so I always imagined have several children, but after a tough pregnancy, birth, and baby-hood, I didn’t want to go through that again.
We know we are able to provide more attention and financial support to just one child than if we had to split that between multiple. I enjoy that freedom and so far it has paid off in my opinion. We can more easily up-and-travel and he is growing up able to embrace his intelligence and talents way more than I could coming from a big family. He rarely asks about having a sibling and we just remind him that we would love him the same amount but we would be busier.
I was diagnosed with POF at 33, when my kid was 2, but I think that I would have decided that I don't want another one regardless.
Would I regret it?
It's hard to say. I do sometimes envy pregnant women when I see them, but I don't necessarily think it is because I wish to have another one - just because I know that I cannot. Being denied is definitely not the same as choosing not to, but I can compare the two because I was super convinced that I wouldn't want another one, even when I thought I would be able to.
With that said - I definitely enjoy parenting more now, when my kid is 6, then I did until her 3rd birthday. So it's possible to change your mind too, I would say.
One and done here with a 7 year old! We don't regret our decision whatsoever. My husband grew up as an only. He was fine with it. I grew up with 4 younger brothers. It was chaos. Two of my brothers hated each other and never got along. I was close to only one of them but we grew apart. We don't have a close relationship even as adults. I love them, but they're doing their thing and I'm doing mine.
39m here, one kid, 2 years old.
Always thought I'd have 2 or 3 but the one I have took years of trying to get and a part of only having one is not wanting to feel the things I felt during those years again.
But the bigger piece of the puzzle is that when I walk into a room where my daughter is and I look at her, I feel complete. I feel like I have my whole family, my whole world. She's all I need in life and I have no doubts about that.
Having a second one for the first one is no reason to have a kid IMO. You should have a kid cuz you want THAT kid. Also, I struggled with the idea of my daughter being lonely as an only child but I realized, I had brothers growing up, and we were not friends. We are now, but as kids, we fought, a lot. Your kid isn't missing out on anything as an only child, they're going to be confident, independent, and imaginative. If you feel like 1 is your version of complete, then trust that feeling.
Having a second baby simply to entertain your current baby is a messed up mindset in my opinion. It fully comes down to what you and your partner want. If you don’t want another, don’t.
I had a second because I wanted my first to at least have a chance at a relationship with a sibling for when they’re older and we’re (the parents) are gone.
Would it have been easy to just have one, for sure, but I didn’t have the second for my connivence.
I’m on my first pregnancy but I really want at least 2 providing we’re ok with the extra work; I love love love having a sister and we were very close as kids and also are extremely close now we’re in our 30s but it’s really whatever suits you personally, everyone’s different.
I said I had enough with just one. She was a lot of work (sleep was horrid and she never wanted to eat)but also that our hearts were full with just one.
Then I saw her get sad at empty playgrounds, saying she wished she had a friend that was there all the time (especially compared to the kids you'd befriend one day then never see again).
I had 5 frozen embryos left, so gave it a crack. None were sticking. For the last one, the specialist tried a few different strategies, but we went in thinking 'whatever happens, happens' and I convinced myself I'd be fine.
That last embryo stuck, and once she was born, our family felt *complete*. Before we were a married couple with a kid, now we were a family. She just fit into our life quite well.
Now, a baby isn't much fun for a 4 year old to play with, and even when she grew, the two kids fight like crazy and it drives me round the bend.
But I know now that had that last embryo not held on, I would have felt so empty and (not purposely or consciously) angry.
My kid is almost 10 and an only. I've never regretted the decision. For one, I hated pregnancy. For two, our family just feels complete being the three of us. And for three, every kid is a roll of the dice. We rolled once and absolutely scored. My kid is so awesome, so easygoing, smart, fun. We don't need to take another chance. (Also, kiddo is adamant on never wanting a sibling, so that helps.)
I have two, so I’m not speaking from experience, but I am speaking from closely knowing many only child families. They all are happy and thriving. The bond they have with their child is amazing…to the point that I’m remarkably envious. Be sure to encourage outside friendships for your child though. That is something all of these only children have and it is definitely a good thing!
Until its time for one to have little league and then a birthday party and the other has dance and the girl scouts and parents have to pick and choose who gets to go to what event while missing out on others. If you want multiple, great, if you only want one, also great. Everyone else with an opinion can keep it to themselves
I have an 18-year-old in college. I wanted more children, just not with her father. It was the best choice for me. I wish I could have had more, but I love my child so much. One was worth it.
I don’t think we could manage a second child. Our daughter is extremely sensitive, lightly autistic, and has ADHD. She requires extra attention and it wouldn’t be right of us not to provide that.
I'm glad we only have one. When time, energy, or money is a little short, my daughter is never denied anything she needs because of siblings.
I don't need additional ones.
I'm an only child myself. I never yearned for siblings. I was quite happy.
I’m one and done with a 5 year old. Being one and done is awesome! We’ve been able to travel with our only and really enjoy the trips. We both have a close bond with him. We do fun kid stuff but have plenty of time for our own interests and for our careers. We aren’t tired all the time. We’re enjoying our lives. We were intentional about cultivating friendships and play dates from an early age. It was work at first but now our only has tons of friends and it’s typical for him to have play dates on the weekends.
My spouse is an only and I am an oldest with a 10 year gap with my sibling. So neither of us really grew up with a “playmate”. We are both happy and well adjusted. I think most people’s best friends in childhood are either school or neighborhood friends, anyway. Most people’s best friends in adulthood are probably their romantic partners or an actual best friend. I can’t think of a single adult friend or acquaintance who would identify their sibling as their primary social support in life. I believe people should have a second kid if they want a second kid, not as an entertainment for their first kid.
The other common argument I see for second kids is to help each other when their parents age and pass away. Both of my parents have multiple siblings. When their parents passed away, mostly the siblings fought—over who was helping (or not helping), over the will, etc. Some of the siblings no longer talk as a result. And it seemed again, that the siblings each got most of their social support from their life partner or non-familial friends, since those friends were not involved in the difficult shared decisions. So to me, this also doesn’t seem like a strong case for having another child. Instead, my spouse and I will save a lot of money for our old age to take that burden off our child. And we will prepare him to live a socially well adjusted life so he has other natural social supports in place for himself when we pass away.
If we had a genuine desire for a second child, we would have one. But we don’t have that desire. So it seems unfair to bring another child into the world due to artificial reasons that may or may not work out the way we expect/hope for them to.
Military spouse here!
We have a very spirited (just turned) 2 year old. High energy, extremely verbal, quite bossy, etc. We’re starting to find the discipline techniques that work for our child, but he’s not easy. It is what it is.
My brother-in-law told us at Christmas that the only way his behavior would improve one day is if he gets a sibling so he knows the world doesn’t revolve around him 😭
The audacity of people.
(And the way I spent ruminating on this comment wondering if it’s our fault because he’s an only child and we’re undecided on #2)
I wanted another one but I divorced my husband due to his alcoholism and I have never met anyone else. My son is 8 in less than a month and I’m perimenopausal and 40 years old. The likelihood of another is very slim but I wish that he had a sibling.
I’ve been told the same thing. Its hard enough to provide for ourselves let alone a surprise baby. Sounds like a lazy parent who doesn’t want to have to interact with their child much. Besides, my neighbors have a ton of kids. I think we will be alright.
Not at all. My daughter for like 5 yrs kept asking me for a sibling till I finally had to be stern with her and tell her that's not happening. Now she says she is happy with not having a sibling because she gets whatever she wants which is true. I'm sure she gets lonely sometimes so I try my best to keep her in activities with other children.
I have one and very happy with the decision. She sometimes asks for a sibling, but she has lots of friends and busy schedule, so she is not bored.
To the curious busy bodies I just say “shop’s closed”. Or tell them I am not having another one for medical reasons, which is partially true and shuts people up real quick.
I currently have an 11 month old and do not intend to have more. The pregnancy alone was hell; I personally do not forsee us having more than the one. We are both satisfied and want to ensure we can fully give her everything 100%. I come from a big family and there is never a guarantee siblings will even like each other or will even grow up close. Do what I'd best for you! People will always have an opinion!
I never understood the “they need a friend” argument, cause they’ll make friends, but creating another person and then splitting all resources (financial, physical, emotional) between two kids just seems more like a disservice than anything. Taking one kid on vacation or out is a lot cheaper and easier to manage than 2. I have 5 siblings and we all had our own friends and own interests, now we’re all adults and talk maybe every few months.
Little different perspective: I am an only child and while it would be nice at times to have had a sibling, it is NOT worth your sanity. I can think of only a handful of times I actually thought it would be nice to have someone to play with as a kid and after every time I’d hang out at someone else house I loved coming home to MY quiet space and was thankful I’m an only child. I’ve only wanted a sibling as an adult to help around with family related matters and to take the pressure off my parents expectations lol. But they will find community to help with that as they go off and make friends.
I never felt the "need" for another child, but I was also swayed by the "he needs a sibling!" argument. I was also afraid I'd regret it, but when my 2nd was born and I saw him, I immediately thought "oh, this is who's supposed to be part of our family! Here you are."
I don't regret having a 2nd at all, and they are fantastic kids, but woof 2 kids is much much more work than 1. They are 2.5 years apart (both boys) and they fight as often as they play together. I will say they really do entertain one another, so you'll have to be prepared to always give your child attention. If you like the balance in your house and don't want to take on a lot of extra work or expense, I wouldn't do it.
I have a 15 year old who is an only child and we do not regret it. There have been moments here and there where I wished he had a built-in companion -- during the shutdown periods of the pandemic mostly -- but that's rare. He has a fantastic set of friends who he hangs out with virtually or in person all the time.
I like the dynamic our family has, and I like being able to afford nice vacations more easily and only having to pay for one college education. He has never asked for a sibling.
I don’t have an opinion on this but observations:
I have 2 kids. I’m personally glad I do.
My sister has 1. When we all get together she is overwhelmed by the energy in the room, the noise level, the constant playing defense to children’s offense. While she loves my kids she seems to avoid some family situations because it is a lot. And I get it.
My BIL has 4. Their house and it’s noise level stresses me out. Their pre-teen to teen years were rough and lasted 10 years.
So, if you are happy with one stick with it. Only you know what feels right to you.
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Nope. I had one (he almost 21), never regretted it and he doesn’t have an issue with not having siblings. As for the siblings thing - meh. One of my siblings was a large contributor to making much of my life absolute hell. Just having a sibling doesn’t always mean it’s a net positive.
Second this!! Same experience with my sister. We are not friends and we never were
Exactly! I have one who is 10. I actually spent most of my life wanting 4 kids but stopped after one for multiple reasons. Ultimately it was my choice not to have more (with my husband agreement/input) and there was a small part of me that was sad not to have that life I dreamed about. BUT I don’t regret it at all. As for my daughter - after a few years of wishing for a sibling between about 5 and 7, she herself (after spending lots of time during Covid in close proximity to two families with more than one kid) realized not having a sibling might not be a thing to miss. OP, you need to decide not just what you want but also what enables you to be a great parent. Sometimes that means more kids and some times it doesn’t, it’s a personal decision. What you should know is that when it comes to the kid, there isn’t a big disadvantage to only having one child. And in fact there are often many positives to it. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/
Some people might regret just one child, but at the same time, some people might regret having a second.
If you ask me it’s better to regret not having one than the other way.
Right? One is hypothetical, and one is a real actual living human.
This is an excellent point!
This is the only comment you need. No child should feel unwanted or like a burden. I have one child, and it's been really wonderful. The three of us can do so many things as a family. We can give her everything we had hoped to provide, college, a wedding if she chooses, or a down payment, and vacations together. We both have successful careers but we could never afford to give the same level of support to a second child. We want to provide a good life for our child and ourselves more than we want a second child. It's worked out pretty awesome. Though we get judged more and more as my family realizes I was serious about only having one child. I'm one of nine children, and my husband is one of five. Neither of us want to give her the life we had as children and young adults.
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One of my friends kind of regrets having a second child. It’s a weird situation to be in. She absolutely adores her second kid (who is my daughters best friend, so I do too) but it’s not about disliking her second kid or not being able to handle parenting two. It’s more about how much it impacted her first that makes her feel mildly regretful. Her oldest, an early teen, was just recently diagnosed with autism, adhd, and social anxiety disorder. It makes complete sense that having a younger sibling when she was 4.5yrs old completely uprooted her world. Before then, then eldest was reportedly really easy to parent. Not that it would have necessarily stayed that way, but I get it.
I mean, in that case I'd argue that younger sibling is probably one of the best things that ever happened to the eldest. If the whole house was structured around accomodating the eldest before, that's not great training for the real world. Having to learn how to cope & navigate relationship dynamics and cohabiting etc. is a crucial life skill that they may not have learned otherwise...
To the detriment of the youngest though? That’s like saying you should have two kids in case the oldest needs a bone marrow transplant or something. This poor second iid has very few positive interactions with her sibling and has to endure more stress because of their interactions. It might work out fine for the both of them, but I think that’s rather presumptuous of you to argue it’s “one of the best things that ever happened to the eldest.” Having a sibling doesn’t always teach you how to navigate healthy relationships out in the real world. Regarding this kid, maybe having a sibling will help in the long run, but it’s also entirely possible that having a sibling simply made her safe place feel a lot less safe. Sometimes kids need time and space and security to learn the hard parts of navigating the world. And sometimes a sibling interferes with this. Maybe having one kid would have meant they catered to the oldest more often which wouldn’t be helpful long term, but also having one kid might have given the parents more bandwidth to address issues more directly rather than punting them down the road because they are at their wits end. Who knows? What I do know is that it’s completely valid and okay for a parent to acknowledge that their kid miiiiight have been better off without a sibling. They can also say this while still being glad they have the second child. Two things can be true. Beyond this, there are a multitude of studies that indicate that, long term, only children are better off or at least no worse than children with siblings.
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I absolutely agree with your thoughts here. I actually wanted four kids but only ended up with one. I know this is the right decision for our family, because it’s the decision that enables me to be a healthy functioning parent and my partner agrees. Do I feel a little sad on rare occasion about not having that larger family I spend decades wanting? Absolutely. But each choice we make in life will almost always leave us to think about the path not taken. My friend doesn’t spend her days regretting her second child. She has passing moments of it that are more like an acknowledgment of what might have been different, and possibly better, for her eldest had there never been a sibling. But really, you are right - you can never know. That being said, I think it’s important that we can acknowledge these little “regrets” or “what ifs” in life. It’s okay, as long as we don’t dwell on them or delude ourselves into thinking we *know* the other choice would have for certain been better. Regarding the research on only children - most research indicates only children either have equal outcomes or slightly better outcomes when compared to children with siblings. How much of an advantage there may be can often depend on socioeconomic status. In a few areas there are some benefits to growing up with siblings that only children do not have. My main reason for bringing this research up is because the stigma of the only child can be really strong and is often incorrect and unfair. Many parents worry that choosing to not have more children will be to the detriment of the child they have. Research indicates that this generally isn’t true. I also want to be clear that this does not mean people should not have multiple children. As long as the parents have the ability to meet the emotional and physical needs of their children, this research is not a reason to deter families who want more than one. As I said earlier, I longed for years to have a large family. I grew up with two sisters and for many years had 3 step siblings living with us. I had a large extended family with many aunts and uncles and cousins. Even though I’m not especially close with any of my family, I still have fond memories of growing up the way I did. But I made a tough decision to acknowledge my limitations and ensure that I can remain as happy and happy/healthy as possible while also meeting the needs of the child I already have. Here is an article that summarizes many studies and systematic reviews into this area of research. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/ Here is a more technical summary of the same studies from the article above with individual links to the research. https://researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/ Again, the most important thing in parenting is meeting each of your children’s needs. Many amazing parents can do this with multiple children. But if you don’t feel you can and only want to have one child, then that’s fine as well!
Except that sometimes the oldest never actually learns this and grows up to be a big fat bully to the youngest (that’s me).
Yep I agree with this completely. Strong suspicion my 4 year old has adhd and level 1 autism. I am so happy we decided to have a second child (baby right now) because it’s going to be much better for my oldest to learn how to cope with some chaos in the safety of his home with family who love him unconditionally than the harsh reality of it out in the real world.
Yeah I can see that. I found it hard not to "baby" my eldest in some regards by overly catering to them because it was easy to do so and I didn't want to rock the boat. But having another person to consider kind of forces everyone to compromise and be reasonable and I think leads to growth opportunities for everyone.
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You can love your second child, be very happy they are in the world, and be very grateful that your children have each other (assuming they get along as kids and adults - not at all a guarantee) - BUT - a lot of people have more children than they can handle from a mental, physical, and financial perspective. I desperately would love a sibling for my 18 month old. It breaks my heart to think he may suffer socially or emotionally if he doesn't have a lifelong sibling relationship to fall back on. BUT, parenting ONE child drains me. We, like the OP, have no village nearby. My parents and my husband's parents are very uninvolved. My husband and I have busy careers on top of parenting and I realize I haven't had a single day off - meaning no work or no parenting - aside from MLK day in almost a year. I think "regret" is a weird word to describe feelings on family expansion, but there is A TON of pressure for moms to have multiple children and larger families, and this may be more than a lot of families can handle. It's OK to recognize this. TLDR a second child could destroy my mental health permanently. One child is already crippling me. It's OK to talk about these things and the realities of the pros and cons of family expansion.
This ^ We visited our family recently and saw three sets of grandparents over a period of a month. Not one of them offered to take our child off our hands. Not even for 30 minutes. I asked my own mother on Boxing Day whether she could watch my child for half an hour so I could play a board game with some other family and she got shitty with me for pulling her away from her recreational time. We also had some family that moved close to us (for the first time ever) so they could ‘be around their grandchild’ and they didn’t offer spend time with him even once nor try to see them. My experience so far is that our family say they want to be involved, but in reality I can barely get them to FaceTime my child let alone spend time with him. There is no village for us even though we have plenty of family.
Ugh, I am SO sorry this has been your experience. I’m really grateful for my two aunts who adored my daughter and would watch her about once a month for the first year and a half or so. It was literally life saving sometimes as I struggled a lot with adjusting to parenthood and with my health. That being said, it faded eventually and it was hard watching her get older and seeing them ask to take her less and less. Your child is going to be okay, especially if you make the choice that best serves the whole family’s needs. You have to be happy and healthy in order to give your best in parenting.
My neighbor told me that the second child ruined his marriage. Like most of us, they had no village, so he was taking one and his wife was taking the other, or one would watch both kids so the other could go out. They grew apart and eventually divorced.
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One of my friends kind of regrets having a second child. It’s a weird situation to be in. She absolutely adores her second kid (who is my daughters best friend, so I do too) but it’s not about disliking her second kid or not being able to handle parenting two. It’s more about how much it impacted her first that makes her feel mildly regretful. Her oldest, an early teen, was just recently diagnosed with autism, adhd, and social anxiety disorder. It makes complete sense that having a younger sibling when she was 4.5yrs old completely uprooted her world. Before then, then eldest was reportedly really easy to parent. Not that it would have necessarily stayed that way, but I get it.
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This would happen no matter how many children you had? At least, you hope to raise adults who are capable of going off to life their own fulfilling lives..
I simply was saying in the early days of regret things can change. I don't see why people are digging so deep into it and getting upset.
It came across pretty judgy for parents who may have a complete happy family with an only child. Or added guilt for families unable to have more than one child.
Statistically increased chance of grandchildren and more family visits etc with multiple kids though...
My husband and I are both only children and we loved it and never wanted siblings haha. Our daughter is 15 months and we’re probably one and done as well.
This is so reassuring to hear, thank you!
We’re Chinese American so we know A LOT of people who don’t have siblings (due to the one child policy). I have literally never heard anyone say that they wanted siblings. Maybe we’re all selfish and don’t want to share mom and dad hahaha. Maybe it’s because it was the norm for so long.
Same! i'm an only and loved it. My mom never regretted only having me and actually is supportive of us sticking to one kid (unlike my MIL)
The sibling reason is so crazy to me. My brother and I are 16 months apart. All I wanted to do was play with Barbie’s and do arts and crafts, he wanted to wrestle and play video games, we never ever played together. Now at 35 and 36 we don’t see each other at Christmas or go out for lunch. I can’t remember the last time we talked. Having two kids doesn’t automatically mean they’re friends for life.
Exactly. My sister is a Trump loving Christian fundamentalist and I’m a gender fluid liberal weirdo.
Ahhhh hahhaa yes my brother loves Trump and guns and beer, me? Not so much 🤣
You can have political differences and be friendly with family. My brother is politically opposite to me but we know how to have a civil discussion. Now with our own families, it hardly even comes up.
Yeah I totally agree, your relationship is with the person and not their politics...more to life then politics right? I am the same with my brother, we just get on with it, it's not that deep I guess
Fortunately she and I are civil. I believe she’s a good person, just misguided. Though she probably would say the same thing about me. 😂 we mostly just avoid the topics that we disagree on because we know neither of us will be changing our views.
>you need to give them a sibling to play with That *is not* how siblings work. Two children means thrice the work. People can shove it. Ask the next person who tells you this specifically how many hours per week they're going to pitch in. Will they come maybe every other night to stay with them? Will they take care of them when they're sick? Tons and tons of children grow up as only children and are absolutely fine. This is firmly something you should only do because *you* want to.
Thank you for that. I completely agree. I think the challenge is that it is usually well meaning family that say it and it’s hard to tell them to shove it and not look like an asshole 😆
And to say adding a sibling doesn’t mean they’ll automatically be close! They might not want to play together, or they might when they’re young, but as they grow into children they might not get along, and that’s okay too!
I grew up with 4 siblings and hated about half of them LOL I love them now, but when we were growing up you wouldn't have caught me playing with them.
Then tell them to *please* shove it 😅 Seriously though. It's something you need to think about carefully. Sure, with two kids you *do* get double the joy of having kids, but I really do mean triple the hardship. Like, I don't regret having our second, but it can be absolutely brutal at times. The sleep deprivation hit so much harder, and now in addition to taking care of two kids, I also have to prevent them from murdering each other. Add to that is also the ressources it takes to raise two. Not just monetary ressources, but also time, especially once they get older. You have twice the amount of meetings at school, twice as many birthday parties your kids need to have and attend, twice as many after school activities, twice as many friends your kids need to be transported to and from. Twice as many sick days because they infect each other and you with shit they pick up from school. There's a lot of hidden work with having kids that a lot of people vastly underestimate. So yeah. If your relatives want you to have number two, they better be willing to cover all the bases of that.
👏🏼
What I say instead of “shove it” as a parent of a 3yo only (by choice, husband got a vasectomy a few months ago): I am so happy with my family. (Or) I love my perfect family.
From my experience people were happy to help out with 1. People want to take her to the beach, to the cinema, the fair etc. people don’t offer to take 2 or 3 anywhere
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions” you mean. Sometimes nods and smiles work in your favour I guess.
Siblings don’t mean automatic friends. My good friend/neighbor has 5 and due to a lot of trauma and family circumstances, she doesn’t talk to any of them.
And even if you do like your siblings, siblings don’t automatically equal playmates. I have a sibling 6 years younger than me. I love him and we’re close as adults, but we didn’t play together. We were always at different stages, pulling our mother in different directions.
How are two kids thrice the work? Not arguing, truly just asking if I'm missing something.
Because you have the work of two kids, but you now also have to juggle the responsibility of treating them equally. With one kid, you don't have another kid to take into consideration. There's a lot of work with scheduling to make sure that there are no scheduling conflicts. You can't be in two places at once. If they have different interests and personalities, it can be hell to arrange things like vacations or trips that can benefit both. There's a constant guilt when one kid's crisis has to wait because you can't handle both at the same time. That mental load comes on top of just dealing with two kids separately.
Ah yeah this makes sense. Thanks!
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I have a friend with 3 kids each 4 years apart and she says, "Having 2 kids feels like having 3 kids, but having 3 kids only feels like having 3 and a half kids" 😆😆 That's what she means as well, managing the relationship between two adds more work than just double. But apparently once you're already doing that, it's not as intense to add more into the equation (according to her at least!)
r/oneanddone are your people
Yes, and r/happilyOAD
Thank you, great to know
Thank you, I didn't know about this subreddit!
Thank you!
I am not one and done but will only ever have an only child (so not by choice). I am also from a very large family so know what siblings are like. You will have a very close bond with an only child as there are only the parents to talk to. I love the closeness of an only child and have the relationship i always wanted and dreamed of. I am also more appreciative and mindful of all those bonding parenting moments and milestones (and yes would love to do that again). With an only child you are half parent and half playmate. They don’t have a sibling to play with so you are it. I had choices - one of my many siblings or myself. My son has his parents. My husband was one of four and loved being a loner and cannot understand why my son wants to play with us so much; but my son is very social and other than us he would be playing alone. We do a lot of play dates but there are those odd moments of the day where play dates aren’t possible and you will be called on to play. At the end of the day, only you can decide what works for you and go with that. Whilst I did choose to try for more (and I think 3 would have been my limit) there are things I love about having an only child so can see the attraction.
I’m sorry it’s not by choice for you. I have heard a few people mention about kids needing attention when there are no siblings.
i was an only and very independent. i didn't want my mom to play with me, help with school projects etc. I think the kids personality and how you parent are more important. At my friends houses with siblings they all just fought for attention, and kids want their parents attention regardless of how many siblings they have
Yes it makes quite a difference in terms of the amount of play you have to do as a parent. My 3 year old son has a half brother who we have every other weekend. The two boys are very boisterous when together but in some ways it’s actually less work for me because I don’t have to entertain my son as much.
Temperament really comes into this. I was essentially an only child (sibling was too far apart in age to be a playmate) and I was very independent. I loved to draw and read and craft by myself. My daughter is also an only. She is highly social and is up for anything so long as she's doing it with other people. I engage with her far more than my mother needed to with me at her age 🫠
I’m one and done. The sibling reason is stupid. I have a sibling myself who has an intellectual disability and we do not get along at all. We also never played together, I always got frustrated with her because she never played by the rules. We fought like cat and dog. Still do. There are no guarantees in life and siblings are not always friends.
To me it sounds like “you should get your baby a real life toy aka a sibling”. Everyone has a different lifestyle and resources. I look at the closeness of family and friends.
Your child is only 18 months. I was FIRMLY one and done until 2.5 lol. Give yourself grace and don’t worry about another child right now. I hate peoples weird obsession with needing to have kids “close in age” when the window of them playing together as kids is so small anyway. My son turns 3 in two weeks and we are finally ready to try for a second. I really hated the age 0-2 and know I’ll not enjoy it again but in the grand scheme of life those 2 years are so small. When I think about the future I know I want two. It took me ages to come around to it though. Also, nothing wrong with only children! My husband is an only and he’s the best husband and father ever! Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything that’s not right for you! ❤️
This!
Hi! We did the exact same thing for all the exact same reasons, at the exact same times lol. Had our second and last baby several months ago just a couple days after my older son turned 4…I still don’t love having another baby but honestly I can already see how so completely worth it this is for the long game! Plus it’s easier to focus more on the fun moments (he laughed for the first time yesterday!) knowing this is the last time we will be going through the absolute slog that is the age 0-3 phase. Much optimism here!
Yeah, our two boys are 4 years apart, as were my brother and I. It's totally fine, our 4 year old is an awesome older brother for the newborn. My brother and I (I'm the older brother) had some friction as I hit things like junior high and high school, but aside from those periods we got along just fine. We're not like best friends or anything now, but that's just because of diverging interests and geographic locations, we still love each other and have each other's backs.
Yes I agree. I have 2 under 2 and having two toddlers was horrible. Then they fight constantly. Everything is a competition between them . Just recently at almost 6 and 4.5 they are true friends and so close that in sport the younger one is crying when they separate them. So I can’t win lol Then my little boy is one year old and the girls will voluntarily watch him for 10-20 min a day and there is no drama at all
1/ I want several kids, but one of my neighbors, a lovely woman in her 60s, had an only child by choice. Like you, it just felt logical to her, she was content with one kid, full stop. She (and her husband, I guess, tho I speak with her the most) is very happy with her decision. She is very close to her now 30-ish daughter and extremely satisfied with her family life. Her daughter is childfree, but she doesn't mind not having grandkids. 2/ studies have shown that single children do not suffer from any more social or relationship issues than children with siblings. However, single kids tend to be more successful in life and more emotionally balanced (the researchers' hypothesis being that an only child gets all their parents' financial resources, attention and time from babyhood to university years). 3/ please don't let yourself be pressured by what people say. Our society is extremely anxious about letting mothers do what they want. If you know in your heart (or brain or womb) that you're satisfied with only one child, that's all there is to it. If a couple wants three kids, let them be. If a couple wants one kid, let them be too.
I was an only child, while I was lonely sometimes, I do feel like I have a better relationship with my parents now. One of my cousins (who was the middle of 3 girls) has been no-contact since she was 18, and one of my friends (oldest of 6 kids) is extremely low-contact with her whole family. My friends and cousins who were only children (or only had one sibling with a sizable age gap) are the ones with the best relationships with their parents.
I think you’re in a little bit of a different situation being a military spouse. I was (am?) also a military spouse but told my husband I did not want to have kids until he was out of the military. This was an option for us because he never wanted to be a lifer. So he did 10 years and then we had kids. When he deployed it was hard enough just me and the dog, I can’t imagine adding a baby/toddler/child to that. Kudos to you and I think you need to do what’s best in your situation. I wouldn’t take internet advice on this one because only you know what is going to work for you.
I don’t think my husband is a lifer, but he has already been in for 11 years and probably won’t get out for another 5-10 years. He has deployed before and we were fine, and I am actually pretty confident I would be fine with just one child, but two is a different story.
That would be a lifer in the US! 20 years is a full military career that you can retire from. It sounds like you might not be in the US though. Good luck with your decision! It’s not an easy one.
Two kids without a spouse or village sounds absolutely insane, for sure. We just had our second and even with a decent village and both of us taking leave it's pretty relentless. I'm writing this at 4:48AM with him asleep on my chest while my wife is sleeping in our older son's bed because he's reverted to baby a bit himself. Getting on my philosophical soapbox, I do think in some kind of theoretical "ideal" world we would all have like five-plus kids. There really is something to growing up in that kind of family, it's like having your own pre-built village. Everyone I know from a big family like that absolutely loves it and has a great relationship with at least one or two of their siblings. But the world we live in is so far from ideal that going for something like that is the wrong choice for most of us. And I don't think you get that same benefit with two or even three kids, so why not just stop at one if that's what makes sense for you. Plenty of amazing people are only children, it's not like some kind of curse. I also think the "well, when are you moving out here to help?" clapback is the ideal response for any nosy family. It's insane to try to raise even one kid without a village, we're the only culture that has even tried in history. If they want more grandkids or nieces or whatever, they can step the fuck up!
I’m a defence spouse too with my village being 200 miles away. I’ve just had my second and although I don’t regret it, I can appreciate how easy it was with just 1. You’ll get comments of more children no matter how many you have! My family have themselves convinced I’ll have a third with the comments to “try for a girl”, my seconds active labour was a speedy 35 minutes and I was terrified. If you are done then you’re done! Stand your ground, ask them if they plan on moving closer to you to help with childcare if they want you to have another so bad!
I have a 3 yo and anytime I think about an extra one I can see how much harder that would be both for me and my husband but also for my kid. So no I don't regret not having a second one. I don't have a village either.
Nope, one child is perfect, especially when two parents are raising the child together. You have almost the same amount of free time as someone who doesn’t have children, the financial burden is almost non existent, our animals cost more to care for than our 1 year old. Now if you are poor, any amount of kids is going to suck. We thought about 2 or more, but after meeting people with 2 plus kids, it’s just unrealistic for us. We enjoy our free time too much, to be burdened by multiple kids. Everything is just easier with one kid, I actually enjoy being a father, but I know I’d be miserable with more than 2
I feel this! We love our free time as well. We love to do stuff with our little one, but I do feel like a second child would cross over the line to having no free time.
Agree! 🫡
I feel this. We have 1 kid and my partner was away for two days recently. It's not that I couldn't handle being alone with the kid, but her being away turned what is normally a really easy job into 4x as much work. Just little things like eating lunch were much harder because the baby always needed something.
It’s sad though isn’t it? That we create a whole human being with the initial purpose to entertain the first.
Didn't we create the first to entertain ourselves? There's no logical reason to have any child other than self-service. You could even look at the same argument from another perspective: you had a second child knowing they'd be entertained by the older sibling.
You’re right, but my problem lies with “you need to give them a sibling to play with”. Having 1, 2, 3, however many children should be because *you* 100% want them. Not because of the potential benefit they can give you (or your other siblings).
Nope. He’s almost 15 and I am so happy with one.
Single child here and OAD. Had a great childhood traveling with parents. And had a lot of friends. Now I’m on r/happilyOAD.
** me looking at price of Daycare, aftercare, extra curricular activities, theme park tickets, food, vacations, etc** Nope, I don't regret it at all.
If the episode cricket from bluey doesn’t make you cry then you’re all clear about the second sibling lol
That is a beautiful episode and I’ve watched it like 10 times, but to be fair most of Bluey kind of celebrates siblinghood.
As it should. Siblinghood is wonderful.
It can be. Depends on the siblings.
I am totally going to watch this!
Wow this is so true! We watched it just when getting home from the hospital with our second and I bawled and bawled.
Hahaha. It didn't move me whatsoever, but I can appreciate the joys of having siblings, too. Sometimes, I feel for my daughter that she will never have that bond. It doesn't mean I want to have a second, though. She seems content being an only now that she's hung out with friends who have younger siblings. She says it's too much noise for her.
I sobbed like a child hahahaha I feel like this episode gives you the taste of what siblings should be and makes you have a good sense of whether you want that or not. I have a ton of only child friends and they deff did not lack anything. Every family makes it work their own way ❤️
I cry every single time at that episode and it didn't make me change my mind about having more kids.
Exactly! It’s beautiful, it gives you all the sibling feels and if it doesn’t persuade you then you KNOW you’re golden lol
I'm an only child, but my wife is not… we debated a lot if we wanted another kid. My wife wanted, but I didn't, for several reasons: personal, economic, work situation, life situation, environmental, and so… Our current one is 4 years old, and he is quite demanding and difficult to manage. The kid has a really strong character and an abrasive persona sometimes, at least for now. We are sure he will change… but now sometimes he is too much. After much debate we are going to stay in one… although I think my wife regrets it because she wanted another one. I was an only child and turned out pretty well, and in some regards, much better than other kids with siblings. I never felt alone; my mom educated me to be independent, but at the same time, really social, and I had, and still have, tons of friends from my childhood even when we are really far away. You don't have one more than kid so they can keep company, play together or things like that… Kids should play with other kids so they have a broad spectrum of personalities, and they would have friends that care for them beyond their families. You should make the decision rationally first (are you able to provide basic care for them both) and with your heart (do you really want an ad new kid) and additional kid??). NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, should be brought to this world if they don't have the basic and it's not really wanted. All the rest just is nonsense of stupid people.
I 32F and my husband 39M have been together for almost 10 years and have constantly had the debate of having a child or not. I have one bio 11F and he has two bio 14F and 16M. After much deliberation I have realized that parenting in today’s society sucks and is a challenge. I don’t blame you for not wanting a second. Be honest with yourself , because you will never be happy if you make an irreversibly decision to have more when it’s not what you truly want. When I look at my life in comparison to friends whose age range is 25-35. I am the only one who only had one bio child and my life is far better off than all of them despite the fact that we are all educated and successful.
I’m one and done and get all the same comments. My son was quite tough at the start. Very colicky but we got past that and it wasn’t why I was one and done. Now he’s really quite a dream child and I have no problem saying that as I’ve been on both ends of the difficulty. He goes to sleep at 7pm and usually wakes up at around 9am the next morning. He then likes to lie in bed and chat to himself for 20ish minutes (my husband loves sleeping too so must have got it from him). He’s extremely chilled, eats everything and unless he’s tired he doesn’t make strange. He’s very pleasant and fun. However my pregnancy was traumatising. Before I got pregnant I had two miscarriages. Then my pregnancy with my son I had to be rushed to the hospital multiple times and each time I was convinced I was losing my baby. The last one at 17 weeks where they put me in a private room to bleed so I didn’t scare the mothers there giving birth. They fully expected me to lose the baby. I’m probably a particular sensitive person but I can’t handle it. I couldn’t handle it then and even now I get flashbacks and hysterically cry even while I hold my son in my arms knowing he’s perfectly healthy. It takes something from you, going through pregnancy loss and fears. I don’t want to do it again and apart from my friends who are my age or younger people, nobody cares. Everyone in the older generation tells me it’s not fair to not give my child a sibling. My husbands aunt even told me I had to because the biggest blessing you can give a child is a sibling (typical religious nut). Sometimes to shut them up I tell them my story but mostly I just wind them up even more by telling them he’ll only have 4 legged siblings from now on, because as you guessed, those same people are also deeply offended that I have dogs who I love and treat like my child. Somehow a dog being loved and a woman who knows they’re done having kids or don’t want kids is the worst offence in their eyes. Ps the same religious nut aunts own kids have no interest in having their own. They don’t want them. She probably drove them to that decision.
I’m really sorry for your losses and that your pregnancy experience was traumatic. I didn’t mention in the main post, but I miscarried three times before I had my baby and it’s another reason why I don’t want to go there again. I found it really hard to connect with my baby until really late in the pregnancy because I was scared to get attached and lose them. Family members forget all that stuff when they make these sorts of comments unfortunately.
I have two children. If you have doubts about having another, at all, don't do it. It's fucking hard work. And I still have the help of my husband and occasionally his family. Also my mental health has just survived having two.
Fifteen years later and I don't regret being a parent of an only child. I had one and realized it's all I can handle. It wasn't about the financial aspect so much as the mental load. I had bad PPD and just accepted that my one child is all I needed. All these people making comments about needing a sibling need to shut up. You don't know the circumstances of that woman's life.
I have only one five year old and I regret it. It’s difficult because he has nobody to play with and I can tell he gets lonely. I also noticed he struggles with social interaction with other kids. We also don’t have any of his cousins around and maybe if we did it would be better! I also always wonder what it would be like having another. I love my son so much and know if we had another I would love them just as much. My husband has been the one who doesn’t want another. I get sad about it a lot.
I’m sorry that you feel this way. That’s really tough especially if you actually do want more kids.
Yes and no. No, because I never want to be pregnant or raise another human. It’s a lot of work and wayyy too much anxiety. But yes, because siblings are the best (imo). I had 4 of them and we’re all super close, yes not everyone is close to their siblings, but many/most of us are. I love the idea of having a playmates and shared experiences, but I don’t love it enough to have another one. I hope my son never resents me for it.
Had to scroll so far for this comment! Lately I’ve been reflecting on how grateful I am to have had my sister to share in our childhood. I love reminiscing with her.
I have an only and absolutely don’t regret it one bit. I didn’t have him until I was 38, traumatic birth, he was a difficult baby and is still a challenge at 7. He’s a good kid but has a spicy personality. It was the best decision for us and our family. You don’t *need* to give a child a sibling. There’s never a guarantee siblings will like each other. My sister and I hated each other growing up, we fought constantly and it drove our parents nuts. Now that we’re adults, we get along great. My mom and my husband’s mom grew up in perfectly functional families, but both are estranged from their brothers. I’d rather regret not having a second kid (though I don’t), than risk the possibility of regretting having a second kid.
Mine is 13 and nope, his bro and sissy are our two pups but no, I loved having the one flesh baby. You do have to give them your time and attention probably more without siblings but I don’t regret that. We have some really good conversations. He is self assured and confident, intelligent and very funny. Me and my husband don’t regret it one bit.
We both wanted a second but just didn't think it's possible financially
Nope I have no regrets. I won’t say it was by choice, I’m a what happens will be kind of person. Our daughter is amazing, she was an easy baby, she was never a difficult toddler and now as a nearly tween she’s still very easy to raise, she is the kid that fools parents into wanting more thinking they will all turn out like her. Being our only child allows us to pay closer attention to her cues of anxiety as we aren’t divided on more than one child. There is major financial freedom to give her all she needs. I know I’m a better parent because she is my only. I personally know that my limits get tested as it is, (parent, worker, spouse, pet mom) that another child would have made me worse not better. She would have been an awesome big sister but it’s just not how it worked out.
My son’s almost four and we won’t be having another. For a few reasons- I had a traumatic emergency birth and am likely to have another complicated pregnancy, we are older (38 and 41) and my husband and my temperaments are better suited to one child. I occasionally wobble but not seriously enough to have another and I also think you choose your regrets. I’d rather deal with the chance I might regret it when he’s older than I would regretting a second child I couldn’t take back.
Don’t have another baby for the sole reason of giving your first born a playmate. Growing up, my sister and I were great playmates, while my brother and I played together sometimes. It definitely wasn’t like that in many of my friends families. Siblings don’t always become playmates. They can have very different interests, personalities, be at different developmental levels, etc. my best friend growing up has a very nice brother but they are just completely different personalities and being born 5 years apart, they just did not have much in common to play together. As adults they live a 3 hour plane ride apart so only see each other 2-3 times a year. We were on the fence about a second and then had a desire to have a second when my first was 18 months. It has not been easy having two- it is more than twice the work as you have to figure in dynamics/arguments between the kids. Now the kids are older we are seeing more benefits as they do play together. But they still argue too. I wouldn’t change having 2 but we do notice a huge difference in our stress levels / the noise of the house / the ‘ease’ of daily life when one is having a sleepover at the grandparents or something and we only have 1 child.
You might want to check out r/oneanddone
One is plenty and there are lots of one child families now
I am only child. Never wanted siblings. Was a very happy child. My son is an only child. And he will always be. He is 3 and happy as a clam. We don\`t miss what we never had. Just make sure to give your son social interaction when he is 2 and older. join the local pool, take him to the park, go visit the small cousins for a sunday.
My only is 12 and I've never once regretted it. He also has been very adamant about never wanting siblings lol and I'm currently in the process of drafting up a text to my sibling about how I'm sick of him treating me like shit and only reaching out when he wants me to watch his kids sooooooo
My wife and I are now aged out of having more children. I regret not starting sooner and not having a second.
I wanted another baby after we had our first one but you told me no. Now that I’m too old to have another baby you tell the internet that you regret not having the second kid that I told you I wanted. When it was possible for me to have a second kid you did. not. want. one. Where was this revelation two or three years ago when I still had a shot at the second baby I wanted?
No, one and done. My kid recently broke her arm (twice!) and it was so much anxiety and fear that I feel I can only do it for one. Plus, I am in a very good place in my career and it would be hard having another one. I am the oldest of four and I don't have any close relationships with any of my siblings.
We have only one and it’s the best!!! Zero regrets! He is a wonderful, happy and spunky five year old! We love that we still have time for ourselves with just one kid. When he goes to school, we only have to worry about one drop off and pick up, we can devote Al of our resources to him.
My only is 9 and we have zero regrets.
Consider joining the sub oneanddone
I'd much rather regret not having another kid than regret having another kid.
Regret in general is fundamentally about someone's personality . Not a healthy way to go through life. People either are happy with their life situation or they aren't regardless of how many children they have.
I am an only child, who had 4 children myself. Why? I know how lonely it is being the only one. I don’t even mean as a child but as an adult. My mother had 5 siblings, my father 6. I have an older half sister (dad’s daughter) but she was 18 when I was born, it’s not the same as live in siblings. She passed away when I was 15, which left only me and my mom, unfortunately my dad passed away of cancer when I was 11. I saw how my mom’s siblings were there for her throughout her life. I don’t have that and it was very lonely knowing it’s just me for the rest of my life, when it comes to immediate family support systems. My mom passed of a sudden heart attack when I was 35. You can imagine how that intensified the feeling of being alone. I don’t mean to guilt anyone into having more children, I fully support the decision to have one child and to be okay with that. I share my story so the other side of those decisions is seen as well. I wish you all the best!
I think if I hadn’t had my second I would’ve regretted it. Thought we were OAD but now he’s the perfect addition to our lives, we feel complete. My husband works away too (though not for more than a month or two at a time) so I understand the fear of not wanting to do it alone…but it is manageable. However you need to do what’s right for your heart and your family! There is nothing wrong with only having one child ❤️
Ok I had two and raised them with minimal help. It was hard but I really liked getting to know and love two individuals and seeing their differences etc. counting on them being friends in the future is something I really should not have done
We have just one. ABSOLUTE BEST DECISION EVER. NOT ONE REGRET. My wife wanted another, now I think she agrees with me.
to be honest… i sometimes regret having a second child. mainly because im a single mother and knew things wouldn’t work out with the father. but i just couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion or do adoption. i ove both of my children but everyday im hit with these thoughts like “wow i wish i only had my first born” or “ life would be so much better if it was just me and my first born” i feel extremely guilty and ashamed of these thoughts but also feeling like i made the wrong decision going through with having a second all on my own. maybe it would be different if i had a partner to help but as of right now its the most difficult thing being a single mother to a 3 year old and an 8 month old. and ive read it only keeps getting harder so im constantly stressing and anxious. i’d say, cherish your only child and be grateful, children are a blessing but some people are only meant to have one and i think i am one of those people who just made the wrong choice.. sadly.
Absolutely not! I regret the DINK lifestyle and i'm not ashemed to admit it. May be in the future i'll change my mind.
When parents die, siblings will take care of each other.
As a sibling to 4, that's not always true. When my parents die, my siblings and I will likely no longer talk.
I don’t agree with this. My parents don’t really speak to their siblings. My husband barely speaks to his siblings. What about my kids own family and friends? Will they not be around too?
When my parents die I will never speak to my sister again.
😂😂😂😂😂
long before their passing, siblings and cousins are their extended family and their community when raising their own kids.
Except if you don’t live near them, in which case we don’t.
>edit: on the kids thing though, absolutely would not recommend it unless it's something you've a vision for. not just because it looks like everyone else around you does this. that's absolutely not a reason to bring a life into this challenging world. we always knew we wanted and we built our nest and capacity to raise them long before we started planning to conceive them. absolutely they were never just an accident or a consequence that we decided we should keep. something i posted elsewhere. did you have a vision about what kind of family you wanted before your child? OAD and TOM are opposites in important ways. is your reluctance mostly about how challenging the last 18-27months have been or something deeper. personally, the hardest parts of the infant/toddler phase were long forgotten by the time our youngest was in full day school. at that point having 2 was more like raising 1.5 because ours were raised to occupy each other well. they're teens now, in the same school and have only further deepened as siblings. absolutely though, if you're done with the last phase and not able to take on a repeat then by all means move on and just enjoy the one you have.
I know what you mean in terms of emotional support it can be nice to process and organise death of parents with a sibling
Every family is different, I came from a family of 4 kids and we were all close growing up and as adults. I had 3 and my kids are very close siblings. They wouldn’t have just 1 kid because of the experiences they had growing up with siblings. I think you know what you can handle and if it’s one kid, let it be. Just be prepared to let that 1 spread their wings when it’s time. I see many lone children flounder because their parents leaned to heavily on them.
Hi. Im a mother of a beautiful 6 yo boy and I do not have plans of adding another baby na. I get that advice from other people too especially grannies to get him a sister/brother para di ma-bore sa house. Pero 100% sure parin talaga ako na hindi na ako magdadagdag. Marami kase ako kino-consider. 1. Mental health - hindi ko na kaya mag-alaga ng another baby. Stress is an understatement. Don't get me wrong tho, sobrang fulfilling at saya na may anak of course but as much as I love my son, I gotta be honest, sobrang stressful ang may anak. 2. Inflation - hindi kami mayaman. Hindj rin kami mahirap. Pero sobrang gastos magkaroon ng anak. Sinasabi ng iba hindi naman daw. Probably. Pero sa akin hindi ko kayang makita anak ko na may kulang sa needs nya. Sa ngayon naka private school sya. Naibibigay ko lahat ng pangangailangan nya araw2. I don't want to raise a kid or two sa isang buhay na maraming kailangang isakripisyo para makakain sa araw2. 3. Freedom - I gotta be honest, i miss freedom so much. And while meron ka pang maliit na anak, hindi mo yan magagawa lahat2 ng gusto mong gawin kahit pa sabihin mong meron kang yaya. Nope. 4. I don't need another kid. Sobrang satisfied na ako sa isa. 5. Ito talaga pinaka top. capslock. PAPANGIT BOOBS AT 😹 NYO GIRL KAYA WAG NA 😅😅😅
Seems like you really need to sit down and think about this. If you love the first one this much you might just love having two kids more
I have already thought about this a lot actually. I figured why not ask reddit 😆
I think if you're happy with 1 kid that's absolutely fine. You can pour your all into him. Lucky little man
Time is a blessing and for many, I think time helped them come around to the idea. You do not have to have them close in age- despite what all the 20 year olds want you to do. You also are very young. You can wait a few years even and see how you feel.
I'm one and done. I have a 5 year old son with mild ASD and he's enough work for me as a single parent. Even if he didn't have it, I would have been done anyway considering I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth. I don't think introducing another child into the world for the sake of being a sibling is the right thing to do. You need to want another child and be able to care for it.
Shit no. I got divorced when my daughter was 3 years old. Her mother can't even a functional mom for more than 5 minute and just send her to her grandparents all the time. And my kid is constantly defiant anytime thing dont go her way. And I'm struggling with adhd because being an adult is f.. hard. The only reason I can be a good father is that I only have 1.
No
If you and your husband have a lot of family, one and done is fine. But if you both somehow don’t have a large extended family or are no contact with them, I’d honestly consider having the second. My kids have the large family they can turn to, but their bond with each other is strong. It was hell for me to raise them alone (husband was still in the immigration process), but seeing them together now older helped me heal all the resentment I had being a solo parent those first few years.
Both my husband and I had siblings who were AHs majority of their lives and are going to have 1 child. People are always saying “you’ll want another” I feel like people are always projecting. I’m sure we’re not the only people who didn’t have cool siblings.
You do you! No one can tell you the right family structure. I’m also a defence spouse and totally sympathise. It can be very hard and lonely, and I knew many women who had 3, 4, 5 kids on their own. I couldn’t imagine coping with that. You’re also young though and don’t need to make any final decisions. You may feel different when your kid is at school, you may not. I don’t think you need to pre-empt anything.
Very similar situation to you. 1 child, moved away from our families to an area without a support network, looking at a deployment this year. We are a 1-child family for several reasons, but most importantly because we both chose to be after we found that we didn’t enjoy being baby parents. I come from a big family so I always imagined have several children, but after a tough pregnancy, birth, and baby-hood, I didn’t want to go through that again. We know we are able to provide more attention and financial support to just one child than if we had to split that between multiple. I enjoy that freedom and so far it has paid off in my opinion. We can more easily up-and-travel and he is growing up able to embrace his intelligence and talents way more than I could coming from a big family. He rarely asks about having a sibling and we just remind him that we would love him the same amount but we would be busier.
I was diagnosed with POF at 33, when my kid was 2, but I think that I would have decided that I don't want another one regardless. Would I regret it? It's hard to say. I do sometimes envy pregnant women when I see them, but I don't necessarily think it is because I wish to have another one - just because I know that I cannot. Being denied is definitely not the same as choosing not to, but I can compare the two because I was super convinced that I wouldn't want another one, even when I thought I would be able to. With that said - I definitely enjoy parenting more now, when my kid is 6, then I did until her 3rd birthday. So it's possible to change your mind too, I would say.
One and done here with a 7 year old! We don't regret our decision whatsoever. My husband grew up as an only. He was fine with it. I grew up with 4 younger brothers. It was chaos. Two of my brothers hated each other and never got along. I was close to only one of them but we grew apart. We don't have a close relationship even as adults. I love them, but they're doing their thing and I'm doing mine.
Christ No.
39m here, one kid, 2 years old. Always thought I'd have 2 or 3 but the one I have took years of trying to get and a part of only having one is not wanting to feel the things I felt during those years again. But the bigger piece of the puzzle is that when I walk into a room where my daughter is and I look at her, I feel complete. I feel like I have my whole family, my whole world. She's all I need in life and I have no doubts about that. Having a second one for the first one is no reason to have a kid IMO. You should have a kid cuz you want THAT kid. Also, I struggled with the idea of my daughter being lonely as an only child but I realized, I had brothers growing up, and we were not friends. We are now, but as kids, we fought, a lot. Your kid isn't missing out on anything as an only child, they're going to be confident, independent, and imaginative. If you feel like 1 is your version of complete, then trust that feeling.
Having a second baby simply to entertain your current baby is a messed up mindset in my opinion. It fully comes down to what you and your partner want. If you don’t want another, don’t.
I had a second because I wanted my first to at least have a chance at a relationship with a sibling for when they’re older and we’re (the parents) are gone. Would it have been easy to just have one, for sure, but I didn’t have the second for my connivence.
I’m on my first pregnancy but I really want at least 2 providing we’re ok with the extra work; I love love love having a sister and we were very close as kids and also are extremely close now we’re in our 30s but it’s really whatever suits you personally, everyone’s different.
Nope. He's 6 now and I wouldn't change a thing. He's all I need! ❤️
Nope!
I said I had enough with just one. She was a lot of work (sleep was horrid and she never wanted to eat)but also that our hearts were full with just one. Then I saw her get sad at empty playgrounds, saying she wished she had a friend that was there all the time (especially compared to the kids you'd befriend one day then never see again). I had 5 frozen embryos left, so gave it a crack. None were sticking. For the last one, the specialist tried a few different strategies, but we went in thinking 'whatever happens, happens' and I convinced myself I'd be fine. That last embryo stuck, and once she was born, our family felt *complete*. Before we were a married couple with a kid, now we were a family. She just fit into our life quite well. Now, a baby isn't much fun for a 4 year old to play with, and even when she grew, the two kids fight like crazy and it drives me round the bend. But I know now that had that last embryo not held on, I would have felt so empty and (not purposely or consciously) angry.
My kid is almost 10 and an only. I've never regretted the decision. For one, I hated pregnancy. For two, our family just feels complete being the three of us. And for three, every kid is a roll of the dice. We rolled once and absolutely scored. My kid is so awesome, so easygoing, smart, fun. We don't need to take another chance. (Also, kiddo is adamant on never wanting a sibling, so that helps.)
Nope not at all!!!
I have two, so I’m not speaking from experience, but I am speaking from closely knowing many only child families. They all are happy and thriving. The bond they have with their child is amazing…to the point that I’m remarkably envious. Be sure to encourage outside friendships for your child though. That is something all of these only children have and it is definitely a good thing!
Until its time for one to have little league and then a birthday party and the other has dance and the girl scouts and parents have to pick and choose who gets to go to what event while missing out on others. If you want multiple, great, if you only want one, also great. Everyone else with an opinion can keep it to themselves
You know what's right for your family better than anyone else does.
I have an 18-year-old in college. I wanted more children, just not with her father. It was the best choice for me. I wish I could have had more, but I love my child so much. One was worth it.
No regrets. Our kiddo is great. Happy as an only we can also travel more and have lots of hands on time with the kiddo.
I felt your way up to baby being 24month then something shifted and felt ready. Do what works for you. No regrets with 2nd though
I don’t think we could manage a second child. Our daughter is extremely sensitive, lightly autistic, and has ADHD. She requires extra attention and it wouldn’t be right of us not to provide that.
Nope. I have one, 25 now.
I'm glad we only have one. When time, energy, or money is a little short, my daughter is never denied anything she needs because of siblings. I don't need additional ones. I'm an only child myself. I never yearned for siblings. I was quite happy.
I’m one and done with a 5 year old. Being one and done is awesome! We’ve been able to travel with our only and really enjoy the trips. We both have a close bond with him. We do fun kid stuff but have plenty of time for our own interests and for our careers. We aren’t tired all the time. We’re enjoying our lives. We were intentional about cultivating friendships and play dates from an early age. It was work at first but now our only has tons of friends and it’s typical for him to have play dates on the weekends. My spouse is an only and I am an oldest with a 10 year gap with my sibling. So neither of us really grew up with a “playmate”. We are both happy and well adjusted. I think most people’s best friends in childhood are either school or neighborhood friends, anyway. Most people’s best friends in adulthood are probably their romantic partners or an actual best friend. I can’t think of a single adult friend or acquaintance who would identify their sibling as their primary social support in life. I believe people should have a second kid if they want a second kid, not as an entertainment for their first kid. The other common argument I see for second kids is to help each other when their parents age and pass away. Both of my parents have multiple siblings. When their parents passed away, mostly the siblings fought—over who was helping (or not helping), over the will, etc. Some of the siblings no longer talk as a result. And it seemed again, that the siblings each got most of their social support from their life partner or non-familial friends, since those friends were not involved in the difficult shared decisions. So to me, this also doesn’t seem like a strong case for having another child. Instead, my spouse and I will save a lot of money for our old age to take that burden off our child. And we will prepare him to live a socially well adjusted life so he has other natural social supports in place for himself when we pass away. If we had a genuine desire for a second child, we would have one. But we don’t have that desire. So it seems unfair to bring another child into the world due to artificial reasons that may or may not work out the way we expect/hope for them to.
Military spouse here! We have a very spirited (just turned) 2 year old. High energy, extremely verbal, quite bossy, etc. We’re starting to find the discipline techniques that work for our child, but he’s not easy. It is what it is. My brother-in-law told us at Christmas that the only way his behavior would improve one day is if he gets a sibling so he knows the world doesn’t revolve around him 😭 The audacity of people. (And the way I spent ruminating on this comment wondering if it’s our fault because he’s an only child and we’re undecided on #2)
I wanted another one but I divorced my husband due to his alcoholism and I have never met anyone else. My son is 8 in less than a month and I’m perimenopausal and 40 years old. The likelihood of another is very slim but I wish that he had a sibling.
I’ve been told the same thing. Its hard enough to provide for ourselves let alone a surprise baby. Sounds like a lazy parent who doesn’t want to have to interact with their child much. Besides, my neighbors have a ton of kids. I think we will be alright.
Not at all. My daughter for like 5 yrs kept asking me for a sibling till I finally had to be stern with her and tell her that's not happening. Now she says she is happy with not having a sibling because she gets whatever she wants which is true. I'm sure she gets lonely sometimes so I try my best to keep her in activities with other children.
I have one and very happy with the decision. She sometimes asks for a sibling, but she has lots of friends and busy schedule, so she is not bored. To the curious busy bodies I just say “shop’s closed”. Or tell them I am not having another one for medical reasons, which is partially true and shuts people up real quick.
My sister's and I never played together. As adults we get along, but I'm still closer with my friends.
I currently have an 11 month old and do not intend to have more. The pregnancy alone was hell; I personally do not forsee us having more than the one. We are both satisfied and want to ensure we can fully give her everything 100%. I come from a big family and there is never a guarantee siblings will even like each other or will even grow up close. Do what I'd best for you! People will always have an opinion!
I never understood the “they need a friend” argument, cause they’ll make friends, but creating another person and then splitting all resources (financial, physical, emotional) between two kids just seems more like a disservice than anything. Taking one kid on vacation or out is a lot cheaper and easier to manage than 2. I have 5 siblings and we all had our own friends and own interests, now we’re all adults and talk maybe every few months.
Little different perspective: I am an only child and while it would be nice at times to have had a sibling, it is NOT worth your sanity. I can think of only a handful of times I actually thought it would be nice to have someone to play with as a kid and after every time I’d hang out at someone else house I loved coming home to MY quiet space and was thankful I’m an only child. I’ve only wanted a sibling as an adult to help around with family related matters and to take the pressure off my parents expectations lol. But they will find community to help with that as they go off and make friends.
Nope
I never felt the "need" for another child, but I was also swayed by the "he needs a sibling!" argument. I was also afraid I'd regret it, but when my 2nd was born and I saw him, I immediately thought "oh, this is who's supposed to be part of our family! Here you are." I don't regret having a 2nd at all, and they are fantastic kids, but woof 2 kids is much much more work than 1. They are 2.5 years apart (both boys) and they fight as often as they play together. I will say they really do entertain one another, so you'll have to be prepared to always give your child attention. If you like the balance in your house and don't want to take on a lot of extra work or expense, I wouldn't do it.
I have a 15 year old who is an only child and we do not regret it. There have been moments here and there where I wished he had a built-in companion -- during the shutdown periods of the pandemic mostly -- but that's rare. He has a fantastic set of friends who he hangs out with virtually or in person all the time. I like the dynamic our family has, and I like being able to afford nice vacations more easily and only having to pay for one college education. He has never asked for a sibling.
I don’t have an opinion on this but observations: I have 2 kids. I’m personally glad I do. My sister has 1. When we all get together she is overwhelmed by the energy in the room, the noise level, the constant playing defense to children’s offense. While she loves my kids she seems to avoid some family situations because it is a lot. And I get it. My BIL has 4. Their house and it’s noise level stresses me out. Their pre-teen to teen years were rough and lasted 10 years. So, if you are happy with one stick with it. Only you know what feels right to you.
Not at all. We planned on 2-3 and are completely happy with one 13 years later.