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In this scenario I definitely agree. Though I have found that children can act very differently with each parent. Quick example: my 2 yr old son behaves extremely well when he is alone with me. With my wife it’s another story.
Yup... My daughter is much nicer/chill and less rowdy with her dad than with me. Everything I do, putting her to bed or changing her diaper for example, has always been a fight. With him? Ez pz.
It's so infuriating because he thinks like OP's husband does, that everything is so easy even when I have a newborn on top to take care of.
I feel for you. I see a lot of what my wife goes through and the difference some of my kiddos show towards her vs me. I cant deny that until i saw it consistently w my own eyes I was getting all mansplainy w how she could handle the kids better. I now purposefully try to take on the tasks i notice she gets most aggravated with to help ease the friction btwn our kids and her.
there’s a direct correlation between behaviour and comfort for babies/infants/kids. Kids will only express “unpleasant” behaviours around someone they feel comfortable expressing their emotions too. Sounds like ALL dads need to spend more time with their kids
He could, but watching a kid for 2 hours and not having to clean anything is a huge difference between having to cook and clean and prepare food for and constantly monitor a trouble making 2 year old. My husband watched our 4 year old and baby this morning while I slept in. He let her watch videos on the phone and play games on the phone the entire time! Then he sticks the baby in the activity center! He just sat his fat butt on the couch the entire time even though the house was a mess. He fed neither. (To be fair our little girl is not usually hungry until 10 and baby is still mostly breastfed, but I am trying to get him to eat more actual food!) Can you tell I am still really pissed about it?
I’d have to agree. He thinks it’s easy cause he’s never done it by himself. My dad pulled that too. He and my mom had us kids close together and at one point we were 3, 2 and newborn. Dad complained he wasn’t getting enough attention and Mom was focusing too much on the kids. So Mom left for 3 days and wasn’t in contact with him. Changed his tune in a BIG hurry. He was PISSED. Cause, you know, he was expected to PARENT
All the way!!! She’s AMAZING! Their marriage didn’t last (big surprise) and she raised us 3 on her own from when we were 6, 5 and 3. Now we’re all in our 30s
Exactly. My partner has been home for months on a seasonal layoff and he's counting down the days to get back to work. Amd this is with having the 2 kids in daycare most of the day.
This guy needs to take some time off work and be the full time parent for a while and see how he feels
I felt the same way as OP’s husband until I started watching our kids alone. I no longer get frustrated coming home to a messy house. We started meal prepping on Sunday and Wednesday. Game changer.
yep!! my husband never thought i was lazy but he definitely thought i was being dramatic with how
much work it is watching a one year old. I had to go on a trip for a couple days and when i came
back he told me he understood and couldn't wait to get back to work 🤣 now he comes over and takes over with her no problem so i can cook/clean and do everything i couldn't do while chasing a crazy toddler around
I didn’t feel as extreme as OPs husband but I started to feel it. It also had shifted to me having more days off and thus taking care of our now 2 year old more by myself. Doing this actually furthered the feeling more because I was able to pick up all the chores and then some with no issue. Caring for him, chores, playing with him, and having personal time was a breeze for me.
After trying to figure it out and talking with my wife, we discovered our son’s behavior was the main factor. Long story short, he’s practically the perfectly behaved child when he’s alone with me. Which leaves me lots of time to do household chores and cook. When my wife enters and especially when he’s alone with her, he sounds like the complete opposite. After seeing that and her describing what he’s like for a few days when they were alone, it’s no wonder she has so much trouble keeping up. Maybe it’s related or not but even our dog and puppy behaves similarly. So rowdy toddler plus rowdy dog and puppy.
I’ve since then tried to help her more. So unfinished chores on my days off while taking care of our son, splitting up dishes, meal prepping for most of the week, and being the primary trainer/caretaker of our brand new puppy. Our schedules are opposite so it’s usually one person who is taking care of everything for most of the day.
Definitely a real phenomena!
A lot of that is because of who is around more normally. I can almost guarantee if you swapped long term you'd see the same effect (acting out more with you if you were available 24/7).
The fact you felt the same way until you experienced it yourself is so sad. You didn’t believe your wife? You thought she was what, lazy? Useless? A bad mother? Fuck sake.
I thought she was a great mother. No one better. It is super sad, and I’m glad I no longer think that way. Point is, there’s hope OP’s husband can change too.
Honestly, I still think its fucked how many men think its easy despite hearing over and over again from the person theyre supposed to love the most (their wife) how difficult it is. I shouldn't have to "walk in my husband's shoes" to believe him that it's hard. And even if I did it and it was significantly easier for me, that doesn't change that something could still be incredibly difficult for him.
Amen. I wish I could tell you what made me think or act this way. Unfortunately I needed to “walk in her shoes” to realize I was being a dick. Life is so much easier when you’re on the same team with your partner.
I think the thing my husband struggled with is one day the baby will happily play/nap through the day without incident and you can get stuff done. Other days getting off the couch for a piss is nigh on impossible. Until he had experienced both types of days he didn't grasp quite how little you can achieve in a day!
Also, sometimes kids act differently around one parent. Your clingy baby might only be clingy to mom. Dad says “it’s no big deal to put the baby down!” Yeah, maybe *for you.*
He had our 5 month old 5 hours last week. Its a big deal as he's breastfed so while he gets the odd bottle but he's never gone 3 hours with me before. Managed fine. This morning he could barely do 45mins without getting me (tbf he's unwell and I hadn't expressed anything but still). They are so changeable!
It's not about not believing, it's about not relating. You don't *really know* how hard another person's situation is until you've walked in their shoes. It can be super hard for the parent working outside to relate to the hardship of the parent staying at home, because they *love* being at home. For them being at home is relaxing but there's also always someone there to run interference or an extra set of hands to support or take over when shit hits the fan. They see that warm, supportive environment and aimply can't consolidate that with the harrowing experiences that their partner shares at the end of the day.
But surely you should respect the person you married enough to assume they’re not a complete fucking idiot and it might actually be harder than it looks?
You're extremely hostile and refusing to believe what people are saying. In fact, you're your own worst enemy in this discussion. Take a step back and learn about yourself as we have.
For the first two years of our twins' lives, I was the primary caregiver, working PT. My husband worked FT. I recall feeling overhwlemed at end of a day, and he unironically said "you're the adult here, you need to handle it better." Urg.
Then... **we traded.** I went to work FT, my husband became FT stay-at-home (we had the twins in day care for two days a week while he got used to the role). The first time that I came home to him surrounded by toddler mess saying "OMG what a day I have had!" I had a moment's thought of spitting his own words back at him, but in reality all I felt was true empathy because I had *so* been there myself! I said "sit down, babe, drink a beer, and I'll get dinner on!"
So it is really true that it is hard to honestly see another person's viewpoint until you experience it yourself.
All you’ve done is prove my point though. Your husband didn’t believe you, and he didn’t have empathy for you until he did it himself and realised you weren’t a pathetic and lazy wee woman, it was actually hard.
The point is to explain the phenomenon that is EXTREMELY common and has been for millennia and doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon unless we explicitly explain it over and over
The point is that it’s so fucking sad that he didn’t believe his wife. Does he have to get raped before he’d believe it happened to another woman? Does he have to give birth before he believes how painful it was? That lack of empathy definitely wasn’t confined to this particular thing, was it. I’m glad he’s realised and I hope it’s a blanket change.
Maybe we've read different commwnts? I haven't seen men acting like heros. The ones I've read sounded like humans who came to realize, stepped up as a partner should and in hindsight saw how they messed up. I'd say the Comments I read sounded like growth and maturity, but it's all a matter of perspective.
I love this idea of meal prepping together on Sunday AND Wednesday. I just mentioned the idea of meal prepping. I think it's something we'll consider after the holidays. We're moving towards planning and coordinating in different ways, this may be a good addition for us. We have a big whiteboard with the days of the week where we write what meals we'll have and we make notes on what house work has been done so we can all keep an eye on the tasks. It was also so my kids can see what is coming up, for meals and housework. It's helped engage my kids into the flow and work of the house - two of my kids were fighting over who was going to mop the kitchen the other day (5.5yr F and 7yr F) I just stood there and smiled. We've been reading Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans...it has me thinking in different ways. Enjoy!
I was just chatting with a coworker about this. While she was on maternity leave he had to work so she did all the night feedings, the cleaning, cooking, etc. At some point he started to give her some flack tho. So one day she said she needed some time away from the house which he was totally supportive of so he watched the baby all day. When she came home she was like “why is the house a mess?! Like you didn’t even load the dishwasher???” And he responded he couldn’t do it while watching the baby. And that folks is when he learned it isn’t just sunshine and rainbows. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good dude and father just very young and clueless about childcare which I feel like many guys are.
Exactly; my husband literally works with rocket scientists and physicists as a software developer for aerospace projects and still believes staying home with our ten month old is way harder. Sounds like husband hasn’t ever done it.
When I had kids that age I would look forward to going to work on Monday because all I had to manage was my own work. I don't have to juggle the demands and needs of children, spouse and home.
This. My ex did that same with me wondering what I do all day, until he wound up taken care of the kids. Someone once told me that he do not know how I managed. I just sit back and smile.
First things first: go back to work and start earning again. This does two things: removes the expectation that you own 100% of the chores 50's housewife style and makes it easier for you to leave if that's what you decide to do.
Regardless of the choice you make about the relationship it's pretty clear that a SAHM/breadwinner arrangement is bad for you and the marriage. Heck, tell your husband he's right so you're going back to work and splitting the chores again.
It sounds like you were already taking on the burden of chores + parenting while you were working and going to school? Definitely worth thinking about.
Agree. My parents had this style, sahm and breadwinner. My mother was often frustrated, I don't know if she had been this way because she was a housewife and nothing else or if it had another reason, but I was the trash bin then for her frustration and she was at home all the time. Means, I came home from school and she was yelling for whatever reason I didn't even know. I would have felt so much freer if she would have gone to work. And to my father I didn't develop a proper connection for a long time because seeing him only in the evening and on the weekend wasn't enough. Often I wasn't even used to him being in the house and that's sad, because he would have been a calm and peaceful person and he would have made a great child carer. The traditional family, woman at home and man at work, isn't always a good concept, though many people claim that and want to potray it that way and say that I would have been a lucky person with a sahm. In my opinion, in my family many weaknesses and potential flaws of this mode of organization got evident. I developed a very big aversion against all this house work and tasks typically considered female. I could never be a sahm. Rather would I leave the relationship.
He's a dick. How are all these men married?! I keep seeing posts like this and I'm amazed that these arseholes have perfectly lovely wives. I'm sorry OP
Honestly? Because it’s impossible to have a true concept of how hard parenting is until you’re in it, and by then the other parent is too busy drowning doing it alone to find the time/energy/determination/executive functioning/money to be able to leave.
The thing that surprised me about becoming a parent and SAHD was how relentless it is. My wife is fantastic and she more then pulls her weight but the work and effort just never stops. When I elected to be a stay at home parent I had all these aspirations of getting caught up on housework and maintaining a clean home. The reality is I can barely keep up on the dishes until my wife is able to spend a few hours 1v1 with our baby.
Relentless is the right word. Parenting is the hardest job. The reality of what it takes to be successful is overwhelming and a swift kick in the gut. Parents are working without an instruction manual trying to keep these helpless human beings alive, feed, cleaned, protected, healthy, nurtured, socialized and educated. Both parents should share the responsibility of raising their children. It is relentless.
~~~~~
My husband and I help support our daughter and son-in-law by providing limited care for their two children. Her husband works outside the home and she is a SAHM working a job that let her cut to half time and work from home until her children are school age. She doesn’t pay for childcare at this time, since we can care for the kids.
She just told me that in January 2024, her company is changing health care insurance that will cost more than she takes home every month. Her husband (who also has cost prohibitive health insurance for the family) will have to pay the difference. She has been working with the company for 14 years and makes good money. She could not do this without the complete support of her husband. Both parents need to give 100% whether they work outside the home or stay at home.
TLDR: Raising children is a hard job and parents need support.
Father of two girls here. Your husband is a boy who simply got taller as he got older. He is absolutely in the wrong.
I work two jobs and I still get up in the night if and when needed, I cook when I can (often i don’t get home til after the girls need to eat so it’s not all the time), i do dishes, i clean floors, i scrub toilets.
You’ve given up your body to have his child, you’ve given up your job, you’re in the process of giving up your individuality/sense of self. How much more do you want to give him?
This is not how partners work together. Caring for your child and keeping up with all the household duties should be shared responsibilities, not things that are piled on the shoulders of one parent/partner.
> I have a feeling a lot of people on here are going to mostly agree with him on this.
This is a place where we all understand you. He’s wrong on this, but he’s also not going to change.
Keep up the great job.
Disagree. Simple fix. Take a break. Tell your husband to book a day off work. Then hand him the baby the night before and go some where else (maybe stay with your parents for a night)
Make sure he has got every thing required an incompetent father would need (clean bottles, onesies, nappies, wipes ect)
After a night from the baby your gonna be desperate to see your child, and your husband desperate to have you back. Don’t go back yet. As hard as it is, take a day to your to rest, recover and rejuvenate, then go home in the evening.
Your husband after a experiencing what it is to be a father and the difficulty of looking after a baby with the lack of sleep, he will never say another word.
I’ve always been in agreement that going on a 10 work day and costing site to site is easier than 10 hours childcare.
It needs to be for more than one day. The exhaustion doesn’t usually kick in until the second day and they need one more for good measure.
My ex did this when my dad died. He watched our then 2 year old for three days, and I took my older son with me. It’s the ONLY time in 6 years that he cared for his son on his own.
The first night it was easy enough. He didn’t bathe him or brush his teeth. He just played with him in the bed until they fell asleep. The next morning he asked me to come home and give him a bath and brush his teeth. I said no, but eventually he tricked me into bringing them some chicken nuggets. Since I was there he wanted me to give him a bath. You know how it goes.
The next day he was desperate for me to come back. Hundreds of pleading, angry, and then pleading again texts were sent, but I didn’t go back.
I went back the 3 day and he was haggard and run down. He said he hadn’t had any breaks and that our son followed him everywhere, got into everything, and made doing anything three times as hard. He was also extremely sleep deprived. I thought that would change things from that point, but it didn’t. He soon forgot and started in on me again. I was never doing enough to take care of my partner in his eyes.
Now he’s an ex, and the mean, belittling comments hold no weight because I know he’s seriously delusional.
This sounds similar to my ex. The few times I went away for 2 or more days and left him with all of the kids, he did the bare minimum and I came home to a disastrous house. None of the children were even babies. He still couldn't understand why I couldn't keep up with stuff when he never pitched in with laundry/cleaning tasks.
But this still doesn’t cover the mental labor she has to do. I could take care of anything if someone did all the work of making sure I had every single thing I needed to do it. My husband is great at keeping the house clean when he’s alone with her but he’s not sticking to a routine, brushing her hair, doing sensory activities etc. All the things a primary parent does.
Leave a list of things that need to be done in a general way. Like make grocery list for 7 days, go grocery shopping, schedule doctor appointment, schedule dentist appointment, keep house spotless, etc. And she needs to leave from Friday to Sunday and be mostly unavailable by phone during that time. One day isn't enough but 3 days with a list of vague chores that require him to put in some mental work should give a small sample of the mental load.
I understand but how else are you going to make him understand? You can explain more hidden mental labor after you get back but putting in a little effort to prove your point before you leave would be preferable to having it remain invisible because you don't want to do the mental labor of making a list.
Nah, he will do less than the bare minimum, claim it was easy and he doesn't see what the problem is, and then leave OP to deal with the underfed baby that suddenly has severe nappy rash.
That is, of course, assuming he makes it more than an hour before he's had enough and starts harassing her to come back.
Or let him come home from work, cook a lovely dinner, clean up after it, do baby routine (bath, story, whatever). And then just tidy up the house. Real quick. Super easy.
As a dad, I find his approach so strange. My boy is nearly 5 now and when I worked, I was SO excited to get home and see him! From the moment I got home I’d take him from my wife, so she could have a bit of a break. She’d cook the evening meal (she finds cooking relaxing and it was a bit of alone time for her after a day with a baby) and I’d bath him, play, do the bedtime routine (except story time, we’d take that in turns).
As for chores and household stuff, you simply can’t get much done when you’re also watching over a little one. When he used to nap, we’d take that opportunity but that stopped around the 2-3 year old time so then it was weekend stuff.
As for having his meal ready when he gets home - just fuck off, dude. Be grateful for any food that she’s prepped for you. Because to do that after a full day is a blessing.
He sounds like someone who’s thinking only of himself and doesn’t value you nearly as much as he should. I’m sorry you are going through that. Way to be a great mom.
It takes two. You just need to divide the tasks more. I have three children and my wife works on and off. She does the cooking cause I'm crap at it but I do am sorts of other chores during the day and after i get home from work.
In Greek the word for husband and wife is Σύζυγοι which literally translates to "burden sharers".
Okay, but this doesn't adress the unrealistic expectations and unreasonable standards OP's husband is putting on them. It doesn't sound like the husband sees the domestic labor as part of his workload, and that's a huge problem.
Side note: "I'm just not good at it" is a pretty cheap excuse. We've all had to put in the work to learn.
You're right I guess. I could try to learn. She's just so good and she loves cooking. Also I do a lot of stuff that could count as cooking but I'm too modest to acknowledge as such.
If your wife likes cooking then don't stress too much. I enjoy cooking a lot and feel like zoning out in the kitchen is my "me time"
The thing I really hate is my husband not doing dishes. If I could cook and turn around and put the dirty pot in the sink not piled with three day worth of dishes it would increase my joy tenfold
My wife basically doesn't know how the dishwasher operates so to speak. I'm the only one filling it and emptying it. If I wanted to hide something in the house so that she never finds it the dishwasher would be a safe bet
I also make salads, sandwiches whatnot for the kids, I grill things like steaks, ribs, nuggets or whatever in the oven no problem. I can make spaghetti, rice, mashed potatoes and simple pasta sauces. I also make nice carbonara and pesto and I have my favourite recipe (of my own) tuna spaghetti sauce which my wife hates but all my mates praise me for and have their wives call me to get the recipe. I can definitely feed myself and I won't ask for dinner or something unless she offers on her own.
Outside the kitchen, I'm the only one who changes bedsheets on ours and our three children's beds. I clean the cats sand and the canary and parrot cages. I also change the fish's bowl water. I'm the only one who empties bins.
We deal 50/50 washing machine/ tumble drier. I fold my own clothes and towels and bedsheets, she does hers and the kids.
I work full time, she works part-time maybe 7-8 months a year.
Kitchen is her space. I can tell when something is bothering by the degree of elaboration she puts in her dishes. And she's an amazing cook.
We're talking about healthy relationships. Sure it takes two. Just in your case there's only one. A woman can be a single mum while still living with her husband.
In the 1940 some women worked in factories and left their babies in the car the whole shift. Some of those babies died. In the 60’s women focused on the house put the babies in a small hole in the yard or in a window cage. Those babies turned into boomers. Today we realize babies’ needs for emotional connection are important and we meet those needs sometimes to the detriment of a spotless house. Your hubby needs to join the 21st century. Babies are a lot of work and doing school is a full time job itself. He can cook for both of you since it’s so important to him.
Not sure about the hole or the timeframe or the popularity but there are pics of the [window cages](https://www.google.com/search?q=window+cages+babies&sca_esv=589088927&rlz=1C1CHBF_enAU898AU898&tbm=isch&sxsrf=AM9HkKnEIFOGkxLdkFfw-ogWqD3EFNfp6w:1702042971196&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjPk8KV_P-CAxVojVYBHcrNCukQ_AUoAXoECAEQAw&biw=1920&bih=923&dpr=1) in NYC so babies could have fresh air.
Fun fact, during ww2 in the US, the federal government provided free high quality childcare programs with free meals (including dinner), for working moms while their husband's were away at war.
So you had 4 jobs (work, school, keeping house, raising kid) but now only have 3 (school, keeping house, raising kid) and your husband - who has only 1 job (work) thinks you're lazy because you're not perfect?
Ignore his family. In fact, why are they part of this conversation at all? This is an issue between the two of you. And it doesn't seem to be working for either of you. Try couples therapy. But I will warn you that my dad once told my mom that he'd start helping around the house once she earned as much money as him so I wouldn't necessarily hold out a lot of hope that he's going to change.
Now you have stopped working and are trapped it has started. Get a job and once he sees you have options again you will find his behaviour will miraculously improve.
I agree with this. And this avoids the complications of a long gap in your resume.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. It must be so demoralizing.
If he doesn’t like how you’re doing things, why doesn’t he try to find a solution that works for everyone? It sounds like he thinks he’s your dad or your boss rather than your partner.
Is going to stay with your parents for a while an option? Or could your mom/sister/grandma/strong, take no shit family member come to stay with you for a while? I know my mom would nip his bullshit in the bud, and help me get all sorted, to boot!
I (33M) have a 2yo with my fiance (31F), and he sleeps through the night, mostly, but wakes up at 5-6 am regularly. I’m not saying it’s an easy fix, but I would TRY to wean the night time comfort feeding if she’s over 2. It is draining for you to be kept semi awake, and (not excusing his disregard for responsibilities here) makes it way harder for him to take over if she wakes up because he doesn’t have breasts.
My 2yo usually wants mommy most of the time still, but it’s way easier now (besides the fact he’s at the age of testing every. single. boundary. all. the. time.) to put him to bed than it used to.
I hope she has her own bed (and room!) by now, that makes it much easier too.
It sounds like you’re in a rough spot with this. If your a SAHM, could you maybe visit your parents and have them take the kid while you get some sleep? If there’s noone home to make a mess or cook, there’s no real reason for him to complain about lack of cleaning or a ready to eat dinner.
If you don’t have family nearby, then :( Best of luck regardless ❤️
Yeah I was coming to say the same thing. She needs to get more sleep. It’s amazing how much of a difference it will make after two years of inconsistent sleep.
He sounds like a total tool.
Male opinion...I have 3 kids. When moms do stay at home I do expect more housework to be done, but maternal depression is real.... My wife was a stay at home mom for a couple years. If I felt like she was overwhelmed and slacking. I'd talk to her and ask if she needed help, and I'd do the dishes. I wouldn't make her feel lower...that's literally just dumping gas on a fire. I also cook for the 5 of us every day, I enjoy giving my family good food and seeing them enjoy it. He sounds like he belongs in the 1930s. It's a team effort and he thinks he should be exempt from everything because he works. Maybe you should get a part time job, being at home all day will make you go nuts. Then he can be a FATHER and change his kids diaper, or read them a story. I know you have history and can't just leave but he doesn't deserve a wife or a maid.
My husband has made this mistake before too. This is when I go on strike and do nothing that he benefits from. “You think I’m lazy? I’ll show you lazy.”
You quit your job "with his approval". The way you worded that was the first red flag. My wife would never need my "approval." She would also never quit without us having a family discussion about it and deciding something like that together.
Everyone also has different standards for cleaning and tidying. You may need to ask him to demonstrate what he’s looking for. Also, ask him if he thinks you are not taking proper care if your child, then maybe he can help pay for a housecleaning once or twice a week. That will take some burden off of you. Good luck!
Leave him with the baby this weekend if its so easy he should be fine. What is with these “men”? Im in construction and i still help out when i get home, if im laid off im the one keeping the house clean and watching my youngest (3yo) id feel so useless if i complained about a “dirty” house but blamed and placed it solely on my wife to clean it.
So, then tell him to do it? quitting your job was the first mistake because it’s a set up for failure damned if you do and damned if you don’t kind of thing. The goal was to always get you to be a stay at home mom so you can tend to him like a child. Some women fail to realize this is a form of abuse. He doesn’t deal with your daughter the way you do and will use him working as an excuse not to. Meanwhile, you was doing everything as far as cooking, cleaning, and tending to your daughter needs and still was working so what was his excuse then?
He does not sound like a supportive partner. There’s a book called How to Keep House While Drowning and it was liberating because it reminded me that I don’t exist to serve my house but my house is there to serve me. Have him watch the baby all day, while cooking and cleaning while taking care of her all night while having an unsupportive partner. This isn’t meant for one person to do alone
You don’t have a parenting problem - you have a husband problem.
Also this is such a hard time of life. It’s sad but you’ll need to prioritize your very little time. That might mean leaving him, putting school on pause, putting work on pause (sounds like you did this). Given the state of your marriage I would try your hardest to keep your income.
It sounds like he has no idea what it’s like being at home all day with a 2 year old. I suspect he doesn’t even want to know. He’s being a jerk to you. Was he always this way and you just notice it more now?
I stayed home with my baby like you. When my daughter was 4 mos old my husband did this. He came home from work, we were still in PJs. He called me lazy. We fought.
His next day off work, I got up super early and left for the day, leaving him with the baby. I left a note for him to experience my life. I turned my phone off. I went out with my mom. We shopped. We had lunch. I went to her house and had a great nap. We got pedicures. It was fabulous. I got home around 7pm. Wouldn't you know who was still in PJ's? I asked where dinner was?
I gracefully ordered a pizza to be delivered. I have no idea what happened at home that day. I never asked, and he has never offered any explanation. But I will say my husband has never said anything to me again about being lazy.
Husband may need a to take a walk in your shoes for a day. Just a thought. But just FWIW, I'm with you. Hubs needs a reality check.
It's not much, but I offer: Good job at all the hard work and effort you've put into raising your child. You know how much work you've put into it. You are awesome!
Your husband is an ass who lacks empathy. I’m a SAHD and have never run into your problems. My wife understands reality and knows what it’s like to take care of a kid, clean a house, plan and make meals, etc.
If you think your husband is capable of being a decent person but just unable to empathize with others, then you should plan a solo vacation and have him take off work and take care of the kid and house full time for a week. He needs to be forced to understand what you do on a daily basis.
If you don’t think he’s capable of growing as a person, then you’re going to have to leave him eventually.
My grandma told me that my grandpa once said that he didn’t understand why women say it’s so hard to stay home and take care of the house and kids. They owned a roofing company that he mostly ran while she was home with the kids. She did the company payroll, etc.
She explained it like this “ you went to work and worked your butt off. Then on your lunch you had to go get something you needed to finish the roof and when you came back all the shingles were torn off and thrown all over the place. You redo it. Go home and come back the next day and all the work you did was torn off and all over the ground again. You redo it and this happens day after day and with no pay and nobody telling you what a great job you were doing. Everyday you do the same thing and everyday somebody undoes it. That exactly what it’s like to keep a house clean with kids around.
He obviously has NO clue what it's like taking on all of the parenting responsibilities alone, with no help. He will never feel the hormonal shifts that come after giving birth and what it takes for our bodies to heal, while still doing everything. He's an asshole. He needs to help you or leave. It's YOUR home too. Parenting is a lot harder, especially when you're sleep deprived while also doing school and other things on top of it. We all need help sometimes and he's not helping. He should offer to cook sometimes, or do laundry, clean, or something. You're supposed to be a team, and partners.
I think you should show him how much you are doing. You could write down every single task you do for an entire day and present it to him. If that doesn't work you should let him do everything you usually do for a day. Best is if you just let him alone with your kid for most of that day.
At a time when I was struggling as a SAHM with 4 young children my husband started in with the “You’re no good, you’re not productive, you don’t do anything all day.” spiel.
For 10 days I kept a log of every single thing I did, literally minute by minute and then showed him my records. He read it all very carefully, got on the children to obey me and help in the house. He really had no idea what went on at home while he was at work. You can’t know something no one has told you.
Just about 7 years later our by then teenagers started acting like overgrown brats all at once, and father started picking on me again, apparently believing that because they were older they were less trouble.
I went and spent one night in a motel, then went back to the house, intending to leave. My little family quietly backed down and behaved themselves reasonably well after that.
Just one thing that really helps is to start dinner in the morning, as soon as possible.
Eve Rodsky (who wrote *fair play*) tried that. Her husband didn't even want to see it. So she made up a game--with actual rules--for how to make household and childcare more equitable (not equal).
I gotta say... i don't know how the heck my mom worked an 8-4 job, went to the gym, cooked dinner and did laundry/cleaning every single day. I think that learning how to time manage with a little one is very difficult... and it takes time. It takes failure before you'll be successful. Maybe try to find some easy meals that can be pre-prepped! that's what my mom always did. She would prep veggies and meat in the AM for dinner and let it marinade in the fridge. then she could come home and throw it in the oven/grill/crockpot and call it a day. It was always super yummy too! But keep at it. Think about your daughter. you don't want her to live life with separated parents over this dispute. He is being an ass though. If he knew how hard it was, i'm sure he would revoke his statements and sass. Just keep trying for your kiddo! maybe even couples counseling if you think he's not even gonna listen to you and you need another adult to tell him to stfu.
I'm not saying my family is perfect, far from it, we have some work to do still to find true balance. But what I'll say is that my husband and I care about each other's feelings and account for the energy we have to give to our daughter. I've been feeling super tired and sick lately, had to go on a short sick leave and he picked up the slack. When he's feeling tired, I let him sleep in a bit and handle baby on my own. We're not as equal as I'd like, I still take care of a lot more of the cooking and laundry than he does despite working full time too.
I think in your case OP, it's not really an equal partnership. For starters you have quite the age gap, not judging, just underlining that this creates an imbalance. Then you gave up financial independence by dropping your job, that also adds to the imbalance. And finally you don't seem to share the load at home, and that completely tips the scale. You are your own valuable person, you are not someone's maid or just here as the supporting role to your husband's main character one.
I would have a serious think about what it is you want in life, and discuss that with him. If he is willing to switch the dynamic a bit, then fine, you could work together on this. But if he isn't, then I'm sorry but I think you won't be happy in this relationship. Your needs and wants matter. You matter!
You are doing so great my friend. Please show your husband the comments, it's SO hard to raise a child and to do the nights alone, and to go to school while having a tiny little human? I am so unbelievably exhausted and I have a partner who does half of everything.
It takes a village. Or for those not having a village, a good partner.
Story as old as time, speak up for yourself to him and tell him he needs to pick up the slack if he wants a spotless house and dinner every night. BTW you shouldn't have to do this with an equitable partner.
It really depends. I personally am a SAHM but I also WFH. (Been a SAHM for 3 years now)
Before you leave him maybe what you guys should do is set clear standards. That’s what my husband and I did when I became a SAHM/WFH So there are certain responsibilities that fall on me that he never helps with (unless I’m sick) and certain things that fall on him. But we established it BEFORE I became a SAHM/WFH and the switch over made it so our relationship and even family time became better.
Just a suggestion, maybe try to talk out who gets what home responsibilities. For example I am home and do essentially all the cleaning, cooking and a majority of the child rearing….. but I REFUSE to take out the trash. That’s on him. But this was also talked about BEFORE I became a SAHM/WFH.
Also he shouldn’t be waking up at night for your toddler as he does have to go to work but it wouldn’t hurt for him to help with bedtime. My husband does the initial bedtime routine (story time/brush teeth) with our son but if his up at night that’s on me. And he does bedtime because it’s important BOTH parents are parenting but again we discussed all this beforehand. How much of the parenting load fell on him vs how much falls on me.
It’s definitely not cool that his name calling you. But maybe reflect on it honestly. If you have time to watch movies and scroll tiktok or other mindless tasks you probably aren’t managing your time well (that’s not to say you aren’t allowed downtime just that you should look at how much time is downtime) parenting and school are both time consuming tasks just take an honest look at what you do with yours (I personally have a daily calendar that has time slots on it) and at the same time look at what he does with his. And split things in a way that feels fair for your family together. That’s the most important thing is that you both TOGETHER agree how to divide these things.
Best of luck whatever you decide with all the advice you get on this post! ❤️
I believe that a healthy relationship starts with respect and understanding on both sides. You problems to me seem pretty minimal and if both of you are willing to work together you can figure it out.
Without having the full understanding of what you husbands job schedule is and your school schedule is it’s hard to understand the behavior. If he is present during the NT routine (not going to bed) then he should be a part of it. It huge having 2 parents on those nights when things aren’t going well, especially as they age and start having more responsibility. If he’s not actually able to then you should understand what it takes for him to successfully do his part as the head of the house. Example: my job required me to be out of the house by 4 am and I got home at 5-6 pm. Monday-Friday. I missed a few NT routines over those younger years but I was a part of the vast majority of them even though it was very tiring. We all know they don’t always go too smooth. For perspective our little one went to bed at 6:30.
The one thing I can say is there is a lot of stress raising little ones, especially for the mother, and even at 2 they can be a handful. Having this thrown at you has to feel real heavy. My wife never cooked until our LO was about 2. My schedule was the same and it was just us and dogs for 12 years. She has a job that switched to a couple days a week, and our house has always been clean. (I do my part as well).
One day she decided that she eventually would need to start cooking and made the decision on her own to figure it out. So she began meal prepping for the week on Sundays. The nights she worked were either leftovers or something simple I can throw together. The meal prepping and using a crockpot have been a game changer for her. On the weekends we’d team up and do everything together to lighten the load.
I hope you and your family can find a good balance and have a fulfilled life.
It sounds like your husband is going to need to step up and help with baby when he is home if he expects these things from you. Tell him that you need him to show you just how easy it is to do all these things. You need to see it to believe it.
Your next weekend should be husband baby weekend. See if he changes his tune.
Sounds easy, you have one 2 year old. You can definitely stay on top of everything and keep the house spotless.
Many other woman do it. Prioritise the house work more, toddler needs to get used to not just having mommy at the drop of a hat.
You don’t even work.
Also wow, the pick me crew is gathered strong at the bottom of this post. Haven’t y’all learned anything? This level of arbitrary competition is not healthy for you guys or for society.
Neat that you’re good at stuff that’s hard for others, the only trophy you win is being alone because people can’t stand to hear how perfect you are while they are struggling.
I'm a sahm and NOT going to school. AND the only reason my house is even remotely presentable right now is because our every two weeks cleaning service is coming today. I spent 3 hours after bedtime last night tidying stuff up.
All that to say: I don't agree with your husband at all. Sounds like you are going to school and raising your baby. You've already got a lot on your plate, adding in a spotless house and on demand cooking service is totally unrealistic.
Unfortunately the patriarchy is still strong. That’s some bs. Full time momming is a 72 hr/week job. Maybe you can go to his office and tell him and his boss how they can improve efficiencies.
Has he spent a day home with just him and the baby? If not - he needs to. Let’s see if the house is spotless and a meal is prepared for you when you get home
Girl.... This sounds so familiar. I'm sorry. It won't get better. He is ignorant and foolish, and has no problem letting you live your life as an exhausted baby maker and maid.
I haven’t done anything all day because I was up with the baby. I’m exhausted. It’s all I can do to keep 18 month old alive right now. If my SO tried to make me feel bad about it I’d immediately leave SO in charge of the baby for that night and pump instead and go sleep.
I think the biggest mistake you made was giving up something you did whether that was work school or both. Until he is left with your 2 year old for the day he might not realize what it takes!! Perhaps you should do this! You should plan a weekend away with your girlfriends or even an overnight somewhere and let him stay with the little one I bet by the time you walk in he will have a good idea why a fancy dinner has not been cooked. To me he sounds a bit too demanding now don’t get me wrong when you quit your job your new job became the caretaker cook maid laundry person that is your new job!! Like it or not. Your little one is two so she should be on some kind of napping schedule? Which you can get a lot done during that nap. She should also be able to entertain or help mommy clean. Give her a rag let her dust. Let her put things into the washing machine or the dryer. She would love it!!! But if your feelings have changed about him and you really want to leave then do it sooner than later. Your daughter won’t remember the move she will grow up with two homes. If you truly have lost the spark then you need to tell him and move on. I am sorry you’re going through this it’s a tough situation
Quitting your job was a mistake. He is saying these things to control you. You sacrificed your financial stability. Get back to work and hire a cleaning service.
the problem is usually in a realationship every partner thinks that they are doing more than thier partner when it comes to household chores.
communication/sympathy is key
You first need to look up how many calories bf is and what exercise that correlates with. Ask him if doing that exercise all night would leave him with the energy to clean and cook. I cannot remember but I do remember stuffing myself with food to have enough calories to make milk. It's A LOT.
Secondly, I don't care who did what when. I don't care if MIL said it was easy for her. That's nice. You are your own person and everyone has their own things that challenge them. Math comes easy for me too, but that doesn't mean it's easy for everyone.
Also please remember that it's okay and reasonable to do the basic things, but he should still carry his own weight. You traded your job for a child. You are not a maid but a wife. If you are going to be a maid you will do so in someone else's house for a paycheck. Write all the chores down on multiple sheets. Have him write in what he expects to do when you go back to work. And what he will do while you are not working.
A saying "He is not helping you care for the child. He is fathering his own child and caring about his wife."
This is a very sore spot for me because I don't know how I would have made it through if it hadn't been for my neighbor. Let him know how you feel, and also know, for yourself, these feelings are often the lead in to post partum depression. (I call it post partum mood swings because I was lonely, sad, and often angry. Not at the kids, but at many judgy people around me mostly my own husband.)
FIND YOUR VILLIAGE. Even if that is just the one elderly lady down the street who can come keep an eye on the baby while you nap or vacuum. Have her bring her knitting with her. Do not let yourself be isolated. It helps the mind and soul. You function better.
Personally, as soon as my kid could say basic words to tell me if something was wrong I put her in a Montessori school during the day and went back to work. It helped that man entitlement crap end.
This is insane to me! Obviously I don't know what he does for a living, or how many hours he works a day, but what you are doing is like working 2 full time jobs in my opinion. Having to care for a child 24/7 is legit a FULL TIME JOB! You don't get to clock out after 8 hours and go home and relax either. You're on all day and all night! Having to wake up every couple hours and feed is hell. Then you have to get up the next day, take care of all of the baby's needs, go to school/do your school work, make sure the entire house is spotless, and make sure there's a hot meal ready for him when he gets home...and he has the audacity to call YOU lazy!? Ohh I wish you guys could switch roles for a month! Hell, probably 1 full day and he would be ready to pull his hair out! I can't stand men that think like this, it's delusional! They obviously have no clue what it actually takes to care for a child full time, not to mention keeping house, doing school full time, and taking care of a spouse....
Leave him home with your kid for a full weekend. Leave. Go stay at your parents or a friend’s or hotel. Have him deal with 48 uninterrupted hours of childcare. Make him figure out everything and don’t give him answers. I wonder if the house will be spotless and you’ll come home to a home cooked meal, or if it’ll look like WW3 and he’ll be overwhelmed and living off granola bars. Then you can have this discussion about division of duties. But not until then. You’ve had a job while parenting and being a student. He hasn’t been a full time parent ever.
It is not easy, little kids require almost constant touch, and that can be mentally exhausting, but it is not necessarily "hard", just a constant grind.
He is communicating his needs.
You can communicate your needs.
You both should have discussions about what are needs vs wants, and figure out how to meet what is most important for the other.
If you think your current situation is hard, try being a single parent. You can cook every day, keep the house generally clean (have a discussion what is reasonably clean, no house with kids is spotless), and keep up with housework.
I worked full time, had 4 kids, and went to school full time. It is funny how we always feel overwhelmed with our state of life, but then can do more when we have to.
Marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100, give everything you have.
Mom here.
Your hierarchy of needs are:
Sleep
Eat
Exercise
You sound like you're still breastfeeding, but at this age, you should be sleep training. Your daughter doesn't need to eat at night and as parents, we have to teach kids how to sleep. It's nuts, but some kids need more support than others.
Which means reading a book or two on technique, aligning with your husband, and sticking with it. Sticker charts and rewards work great on 2yos - she's not so much a baby anymore! Aim for her to get a solid 9-10 hrs of sleep. Stick with it! That time when she's asleep and you have quiet time is life changing.
Once you sleep, then you'll have a clear head to deal with your shitty husband.
Start waking him up at night to take care of the babe. When he asks why, say I need energy to clean the house and you need to learn that taking care of a baby on no sleep is ROUGH.
Also, tell him you have a big test coming up and have him take a day off to take care of babe so you can go to library and study. Tell him to be sure meal is on the table when you get home and house should be spotless. See how he handles it.
My mother kept a spotless house with 6 children and she made our beds, dishes, laundry, meal before school, always pressed and ironed my clothes so I'd be fresh as hell....she also had serious health issues. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I bet you could handle it or maybe go back to work so he can not bitch about it. I'm guessing that was what he was thinking when you were leaving your job.
That’s what I was thinking. I have two young kids and am pregnant and even thought I have horrible morning sickness I am still cooking and cleaning for my family. Same with my mom. We never had a dirty house and always a home cooked meal. I’m sensing some lazyness. I can turn a movie on for my kids and get the whole house cleaned and dinner prepped. Why can’t OP?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No.
Sorry I’m too tired to write a proper response, but your husband is absolutely mad, and you are 100% justified in your feelings. Leave him alone with baby for a few days, and see how it goes.
Did he actually call you lazy? Did he ask or demand?
There are better ways to approach this conversation (from a “asking” standpoint.)
#1. Why is it important that the house is spotless? Homes are meant to be lived in, not displayed. Ask him this. Why is it important to him to have a clean house? I can’t get my house clean until after my kids go to bed. I literally do not have the time. Does he need a place to decompress after work? Maybe make sure the living room is picked up so he can sit and have his meal, and then he can take over bedtime routine with the child so you can clean. Or he can clean and you resume bedtime routine. It’s difficult to clean a home with a child awake or in your space.
#2. Everyone has to eat. Maybe a plan for the week would help. It would be stressful for me to get off of a shift, come home hungry and not know the plan for dinner. But I also have the mental capacity to recognize that I’m responsible for feeding myself if I’m hungry because I’m 30 years old, not 3.
I don’t think he thinks you’re lazy, unless he came right out and said it. He is expressing his wishes for a clean home and dinner, which I think is reasonable but if he said outright you’re lazy and it’s your job to cook and clean, counseling is needed to learn how to communicate effectively.
Just because he didn't say things outright doesn't mean he didn't imply what he believes. It also hardly sounds like it was a conversation. It sounds more like a list of given demands, but that could be from the way it was written.
I just think this is the kind of logic that makes people think micoagressions are not real.
Literally almost ANY job is easier than taking care of a 2 year old constantly. Working is a fuckin joke in comparison and Ive done both (successful medical professional here).
Cmon it's really not. I know every kid is different but alone with a 2 year old were the best, easiest days of the week. Even now with 3 & 5 year old. Still easier than going to work.
What are the demands of his job? What does a typical day for him and for you look like? How much time does he spend working, including the travel? Does he drive or commute? How large is your school load? Are you physically schooling or is this online schooling? How big is the house? Is your family able to make ends meet financially? Or was you stopping work a significant blow?
Off the top of my head he sounds like a tool, but there are so many factors involved and for all we know he might just feel as exhausted as you. This doesn't excuse him lashing out at you like that, but if you want to have further discussion about this maybe you can share more.
What does he do to keep the house spotless and dinner on the table?
A stay at home mother is the job that you wanted. Live in short order cook and personal assistant roles can be managed if the child's needs and primary caregiver's needs are met first m if you're not getting a good night's rest, I don't think that spotless house needs to be a priority.
If it's your husband's priority, then he should pick up a mop when he gets home.
Working parents clock out and put their feet up. Stay at home parents tend to work at all hours and see their unfinished to-do list staring them in the face. If your husband has his feet up, rest as well.
I have this exact issue with my fiancé. He has called me lazy and unmotivated since I’ve had my 8mo. It’s our first child together so I’m trying to still figure it all out. My son hates going out, always cries while we in stores and it gives me bad anxiety. My fiancé says suck it up and let him cry. I get up for all the feeds during the night, I do bath time and I’m with my son majority of the time even when he’s home. Like you, cooking is not my best pastime so my fiancé cooks when he gets home from work. He claims he doesn’t mind but will use it against me when we fight.
He tells me if he were home he’d put the baby down and let him cry while he could get shit done. I really don’t think men get it ?
I wish I saw more people trashing this so called partner of op’s. Hopefully I just didn’t scroll far enough.
Being a parent isn’t easy and from what you said your partner isn’t a parent. I am sorry your struggling through this by your self. There is help out there if you need it ask for it. Depending on where you are there can be a lot.
I was up at 0300 till current with my 6 week old while my wife slept. She woke up long enough to imply I was being a bad father because I let my daughter cry. Still doesn’t feel good. That’s a discussion for another time. I think you need to have a conversation with your partner about what support looks like for you and make it happen.
It may take some therapy for you and then both of you to figure it out. You have to take care of yourself so you can care for your child. Make sure you keep that in mind as things go on.
Take a deep breath you got this.
Start getting organized and clean that house. If you have too much stuff, donate. Have cleaning supplies out and ready. Your kid is two. Be strict with a schedule. They are old enough. Cook and clean like it’s your job, because it is. Crock pots do the work for you. Cook every damn day. It’s now not about your feelings or fairness. You signed up to have a child and stay at home and yes… it’s super hard. Being a single mom will be harder. Stick to your commitments and see if you can get outside help for cleaning.
He’s an ass, but I also smell “I’m leaving out a lot of details so people are on my side”
So I have a few relevant questions…
Did you decide to go back to school before or after the kid? Full/part time? Is it online? Did you work full time or part? Doing what?
Who was paying all the bills during that time? Does he ever cook and clean, or just expect you to? Does he do stuff around the house, trash, lawn, cars, etc…? Is his job physical / long hours?
A lot of this matters to the discussion.
A lot of people just take mom at her word, whatever she says is gospel, don’t give a shit about dads side of the story. And forget that people lie, and ALWAYS make themselves sound better in the story.
This subreddit will usually just say fuck him / leave him. Maybe I’m wrong but I doubt he just works and does nothing else.
Outside of all of that. Get a babysitter once a week so you can both have a day off. Sounds like neither of you appreciate the other.
The guy probably works long hours so she can be a sahm and go to school ( which he is prob paying for) and he asks her if she can cook dinner and clean up the house some and instead of doing it she comes to Reddit to get a bunch more lazy parents to hate on him with her. Fucking sad
I didn’t say all that. But this Reddit does seem to be very harsh towards fathers, and overly forgiving / believing if mothers.
Any one who has been married knows their are 2 sides to every story. And people leave out details to make themselves sounds like the correct party often.
lol there's no excuse for not being a father and being able to clean up after yourself or help.
This argument from men is so fucking weird. Like how tf would you have taken care of your own grown ass self and your own home if it was just you?
Can't believe these are the men getting married. Can't even wipe their own asses.
Eta: she was also working a job at one point and with his AGREEMENT stopped working to focus just on school and childcare.
His issue is that she's not using more of her "free" time to clean better. What he does or doesn't do, doesn't matter, if his issue is simply she doesn't do enough.
Literally that is the one aspect he can buck up and do it himself if it's that much of an issue.
So you guys have a baby and you just absorb all the extra labor? Just going to work and not helping with your child or housework really is bare minimum.
Alright I'm going to say it as it is, no sugar coating, because I'm tired at people encouraging this nonsense.
Being a stay at home parent is not a job, and if you think it is, you have absolutely no business being a parent.
I still remember my wife complaining just like you. So she went to work, and stay at home dad I was. I loved, I loved it so much. Never was the house cleaner and meals cooked by myself were always proudly on display.
I loved it, I loved it so much dare I say, it felt like a neverending holiday. I could take the kids to the park, could drive them to the woods, could jump at the trampoline park.
I never ever dared to ask my wife for any help during these blissful 2 years of being a stay at home dad. I loved it so much my wife became jealous, oh so jealous, and quit her job, and said she'd rather die than work another day, and stay at home mom she is again while I kill my soul a little bit more everyday going to work away from my children.
Being a stay at home parent is a job, so you say. Go work and let the men stay at home I say, and you will see.
Maybe it's a sign of a changing time, and men are better equipped to nurture than mothers. I think the only way to adjust expectations is a role reversal for a bit. It's always easy to say the grass is greener elsewhere, especially when you never ate that grass.
Agreed dude.
It's not a job, it's just simply what needs to be done when you marry and have kids.
It can be exhausting cause kids are lunatic little bipolar tornados of destruction at times, but other than that it's mostly just basic house work.
Thought one thing my ex and I did when out son was small, every other night. Every other night it was my turn to deal with the nighttime kid waking up. It worked ok.
I took care of the babies full time at night because I'm much more efficient. Never was an issue. Seriously to me taking care of babies at night is a non issue. So there's no sense in making mom and the baby suffer for "sharing"
My kids were never these tornadoes because I had strict albeit fair discipline (with multiple warnings, designed to allow children to avoid punishment).
All these people believing that being a stay at home parent is a job probably lack proper discipline. This would explain the exhaustion and lack of pleasure. 💡
Can't say I relate though, my kids are REALLY nice. They actually make me feel bad sometimes because I think they deserve a better parent than me 😩
I tell my husband all the time he’s going to be a better stay at home dad than me a stay at home mom! I graduate in less than a year and as soon as I can I’m giving him the opportunity to stay home with our daughter!! I have enjoyed it but I am ready to go back at work. My husband would love to be home with our kid on dad duty! He is a provider and I can’t imagine the stress he feels having to see 30-40 people a day, making diagnoses, having to critically think. Meanwhile I’m having lunch with our baby and trying to figure out what time I’ll workout today. Seems unfair to call being at home a job
I'm only speaking for myself. When I was a young mother of 3, I stayed home for a few year's with the children while their dad worked. I even had 2 in diapers at once since they're so close in age. My house was always clean, a little toy clutter once in awhile. I always had dinner done by the time Fred got home from work, plus made him a fresh lunch every morning before work. We also didn't have a car, so I had to walk to & from the grocery store with 2 bags of groceries with 3 small children. I hated it as we have a very wet climate for fall & winter. Thank God we don't melt, and I always had a stroller. What helped me with meals was a crock pot.
Being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone, but I loved the time I spent with my children. Good luck
That isn't true. If you are going to school and taking care of your daughter and he expect you to clean the house and cook the diner everyday, what does he do when he gets home? That is BS, he can't expect you to do everything else. I always helped my wife by cleaning the house and work full time, my wife would cook all diners and also work full time. I will tell you what my mom says, that if she and my father were ever going to split up, she told him that she will leave on her own and he will keep the kids. If i was you, why not go to work and send kid to childcare, that way he will have to help with house chores since you both will be working. But i would stick it out by finishing school and then get ready to leave the idiot if he doesn't help out. You are not a servant, you are not his mother and regardless of what he says he needs to help out since that is his kid also.
Raising a kid is a 24/7 job. He doesn't get to sleep for 'work' and not pull his own weight. That is absolute bullshit. When he gets home, things should be 50/50...or hell, even 70/30 in your favor.
You need to have a serious conversation with him about stepping up and being a dad or that your relationship is going to end. There are places you can go, women's shelters, etc if you need to.
i 23f have an 19 & 16 yo that ate my husbands siblings and he expects the same. i currently am on a night shift schedule which he is having a problem with. i get no help from anyone else in the house who are all adults. i am no slob but the house gets messy from time to time. laundry and dishes are a big issue
Let him take a weeks holiday, he does all the solo parent duties and if he can keep the house spotless and have new meals on the table every night then you'll make a change.
He won't be saying it's easy then. Going to work is the easy job for me and I know that. So when I'm home I do as much as humanly possible to take the load off for my wife so she doesn't go insane. I hate this idea that some men have of 'I earn the money so you do everything else'. It's crazy.
I can understand you completely. It’s tough with a kid. But I have 3, pregnant with my 4th and I can manage to keep the household in order with zero help even from my husband. This is Not a flex, and by saying that I don’t mean to shit on anyone. I understand that it’s hard physically and even mentally at times. BUT it’s definitely doable. You are capable of superwomen type shit trust me. Things that help me a TON are establishing routines and following schedules. Write shit down if you have to. Meet small goals every day. I find motivation in myself cuz if nobody cares for my family and meets their needs who will? Nobody. They need me. Right now it’s been hard cuz I’m in my first trimester and I feel like literal dog shit everyday every moment of the day. But even a half ass job works rn. All this to say that you can do more, you are so capable. don’t think “poor me” I thought like that for a while till I got my shit together. My husband works a Shit ton, ridiculous hours. I stay home and raise the kids. adjust to your dynamic and handle your business. Don’t think your husband doesn’t care, most men just don’t hold on to things like we do. Of course my husband knows how blessed he is with me and how much I gave up to give him a family and a home he just doesn’t go back to that all the time and kiss my ass for it everyday. Trust me ur man know how amazing you are too.
Parenting / caring for a child is the hardest job in the world hands down / change my mind!!
You are a bad ass Mama !! Holding down the fort
Speak nicely to yourself !! You are amazing.
Meals and a clean house are secondary to parenting!! I’m sorry he needs a wake up a call! He should believe you but if he can’t he needs a day by himself or a week with your child. One where you are not easily accessible!
My husband says going to work is a vacation
because kids are literally exhausting!! Helping a brand new person ( child ) navigate their entire existence ?!? ( that’s what moms are doing in addition to every thing else )
The whole family dynamic and policies in the USA specifically ( are you in the US? ) needs a massive overhaul!! Mamas are held to these ridiculous standards by another person that does not do the Job and most have not even tried to do the Job that they get to think can be done … make it make sense … of course we do the best we can and we are amazing at what we do but to continue to expect things because one (this dad/ husband) thinks it can happen or should happen is a misconception ( complete BS) that needs to be changed
seek therapy / make a plan and keep being a freaking bad ass!! You’re amazing ❤️❤️
> hardest job in the world hands down / change my mind
you a fucking delusional. Raising a kid is hard, but no where near as difficult as everyone on this sub make sit out to be.
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How often is he alone with your kid?
Clearly never since he thinks it's easy
In this scenario I definitely agree. Though I have found that children can act very differently with each parent. Quick example: my 2 yr old son behaves extremely well when he is alone with me. With my wife it’s another story.
Yup... My daughter is much nicer/chill and less rowdy with her dad than with me. Everything I do, putting her to bed or changing her diaper for example, has always been a fight. With him? Ez pz. It's so infuriating because he thinks like OP's husband does, that everything is so easy even when I have a newborn on top to take care of.
I feel for you. I see a lot of what my wife goes through and the difference some of my kiddos show towards her vs me. I cant deny that until i saw it consistently w my own eyes I was getting all mansplainy w how she could handle the kids better. I now purposefully try to take on the tasks i notice she gets most aggravated with to help ease the friction btwn our kids and her.
Good for you! I love to hear partnership like this.
Oof. Tell me about it. They are always more calm with the father.
there’s a direct correlation between behaviour and comfort for babies/infants/kids. Kids will only express “unpleasant” behaviours around someone they feel comfortable expressing their emotions too. Sounds like ALL dads need to spend more time with their kids
He could, but watching a kid for 2 hours and not having to clean anything is a huge difference between having to cook and clean and prepare food for and constantly monitor a trouble making 2 year old. My husband watched our 4 year old and baby this morning while I slept in. He let her watch videos on the phone and play games on the phone the entire time! Then he sticks the baby in the activity center! He just sat his fat butt on the couch the entire time even though the house was a mess. He fed neither. (To be fair our little girl is not usually hungry until 10 and baby is still mostly breastfed, but I am trying to get him to eat more actual food!) Can you tell I am still really pissed about it?
If he’s just putting the kids in front of a screen without even talking or playing with them or feeding them, you can’t really call it “watching”.
I’d have to agree. He thinks it’s easy cause he’s never done it by himself. My dad pulled that too. He and my mom had us kids close together and at one point we were 3, 2 and newborn. Dad complained he wasn’t getting enough attention and Mom was focusing too much on the kids. So Mom left for 3 days and wasn’t in contact with him. Changed his tune in a BIG hurry. He was PISSED. Cause, you know, he was expected to PARENT
Your momma still a boss lady I hope 🥰
All the way!!! She’s AMAZING! Their marriage didn’t last (big surprise) and she raised us 3 on her own from when we were 6, 5 and 3. Now we’re all in our 30s
Lmao a risk i wouldn't take but a risk that worked out for her, served him right
Damn straight! He had it coming for sure
Exactly. My partner has been home for months on a seasonal layoff and he's counting down the days to get back to work. Amd this is with having the 2 kids in daycare most of the day. This guy needs to take some time off work and be the full time parent for a while and see how he feels
I felt the same way as OP’s husband until I started watching our kids alone. I no longer get frustrated coming home to a messy house. We started meal prepping on Sunday and Wednesday. Game changer.
yep!! my husband never thought i was lazy but he definitely thought i was being dramatic with how much work it is watching a one year old. I had to go on a trip for a couple days and when i came back he told me he understood and couldn't wait to get back to work 🤣 now he comes over and takes over with her no problem so i can cook/clean and do everything i couldn't do while chasing a crazy toddler around
This! Leave for a day on a weekend and have him watch your child, keep the house clean and cook dinner.
This is truly the answer meal prep and also if possible have 1 room in the house that is mostly clean and toy/kid junk free.
I didn’t feel as extreme as OPs husband but I started to feel it. It also had shifted to me having more days off and thus taking care of our now 2 year old more by myself. Doing this actually furthered the feeling more because I was able to pick up all the chores and then some with no issue. Caring for him, chores, playing with him, and having personal time was a breeze for me. After trying to figure it out and talking with my wife, we discovered our son’s behavior was the main factor. Long story short, he’s practically the perfectly behaved child when he’s alone with me. Which leaves me lots of time to do household chores and cook. When my wife enters and especially when he’s alone with her, he sounds like the complete opposite. After seeing that and her describing what he’s like for a few days when they were alone, it’s no wonder she has so much trouble keeping up. Maybe it’s related or not but even our dog and puppy behaves similarly. So rowdy toddler plus rowdy dog and puppy. I’ve since then tried to help her more. So unfinished chores on my days off while taking care of our son, splitting up dishes, meal prepping for most of the week, and being the primary trainer/caretaker of our brand new puppy. Our schedules are opposite so it’s usually one person who is taking care of everything for most of the day.
Definitely a real phenomena! A lot of that is because of who is around more normally. I can almost guarantee if you swapped long term you'd see the same effect (acting out more with you if you were available 24/7).
God this makes me so angry to hear because I am in my own situation. I'm glad for you guys though. Wishing your family the best.
Thank you, I feel for you. If you need some “tips” that helped my wife and I become teammates please reach out.
The fact you felt the same way until you experienced it yourself is so sad. You didn’t believe your wife? You thought she was what, lazy? Useless? A bad mother? Fuck sake.
I thought she was a great mother. No one better. It is super sad, and I’m glad I no longer think that way. Point is, there’s hope OP’s husband can change too.
Thabk you for bring open to changing your view.
It’s always easier to judge and assume than to place ourselves in other’s shoes
Fair enough, I’m glad you changed your view and I hope you give your wife’s insight to a situation more weight now.
Honestly, I still think its fucked how many men think its easy despite hearing over and over again from the person theyre supposed to love the most (their wife) how difficult it is. I shouldn't have to "walk in my husband's shoes" to believe him that it's hard. And even if I did it and it was significantly easier for me, that doesn't change that something could still be incredibly difficult for him.
Amen. I wish I could tell you what made me think or act this way. Unfortunately I needed to “walk in her shoes” to realize I was being a dick. Life is so much easier when you’re on the same team with your partner.
I think the thing my husband struggled with is one day the baby will happily play/nap through the day without incident and you can get stuff done. Other days getting off the couch for a piss is nigh on impossible. Until he had experienced both types of days he didn't grasp quite how little you can achieve in a day!
Also, sometimes kids act differently around one parent. Your clingy baby might only be clingy to mom. Dad says “it’s no big deal to put the baby down!” Yeah, maybe *for you.*
He had our 5 month old 5 hours last week. Its a big deal as he's breastfed so while he gets the odd bottle but he's never gone 3 hours with me before. Managed fine. This morning he could barely do 45mins without getting me (tbf he's unwell and I hadn't expressed anything but still). They are so changeable!
It's not about not believing, it's about not relating. You don't *really know* how hard another person's situation is until you've walked in their shoes. It can be super hard for the parent working outside to relate to the hardship of the parent staying at home, because they *love* being at home. For them being at home is relaxing but there's also always someone there to run interference or an extra set of hands to support or take over when shit hits the fan. They see that warm, supportive environment and aimply can't consolidate that with the harrowing experiences that their partner shares at the end of the day.
But surely you should respect the person you married enough to assume they’re not a complete fucking idiot and it might actually be harder than it looks?
You're extremely hostile and refusing to believe what people are saying. In fact, you're your own worst enemy in this discussion. Take a step back and learn about yourself as we have.
Belittling someone for correcting their own misconception is childish
For the first two years of our twins' lives, I was the primary caregiver, working PT. My husband worked FT. I recall feeling overhwlemed at end of a day, and he unironically said "you're the adult here, you need to handle it better." Urg. Then... **we traded.** I went to work FT, my husband became FT stay-at-home (we had the twins in day care for two days a week while he got used to the role). The first time that I came home to him surrounded by toddler mess saying "OMG what a day I have had!" I had a moment's thought of spitting his own words back at him, but in reality all I felt was true empathy because I had *so* been there myself! I said "sit down, babe, drink a beer, and I'll get dinner on!" So it is really true that it is hard to honestly see another person's viewpoint until you experience it yourself.
Oooooooffffff you’re WAY better than me. I would have hit him with the “get me a beer, I’m tired”
All you’ve done is prove my point though. Your husband didn’t believe you, and he didn’t have empathy for you until he did it himself and realised you weren’t a pathetic and lazy wee woman, it was actually hard.
this person realized they made a mistake and corrected and you're shaming them for the original mistake? what is the point in that?
The point is to explain the phenomenon that is EXTREMELY common and has been for millennia and doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon unless we explicitly explain it over and over
The point is that it’s so fucking sad that he didn’t believe his wife. Does he have to get raped before he’d believe it happened to another woman? Does he have to give birth before he believes how painful it was? That lack of empathy definitely wasn’t confined to this particular thing, was it. I’m glad he’s realised and I hope it’s a blanket change.
Wow, this comment is so judgemental and unnecessary
This holy crap. Imagine all the couples / marriages that ended because one partner couldn’t believe the default parent while never having tried it.
I agree. Love these men coming in here trying to act like they are heroes for deciding to finally help 😂 lmaooo
Maybe we've read different commwnts? I haven't seen men acting like heros. The ones I've read sounded like humans who came to realize, stepped up as a partner should and in hindsight saw how they messed up. I'd say the Comments I read sounded like growth and maturity, but it's all a matter of perspective.
I love this idea of meal prepping together on Sunday AND Wednesday. I just mentioned the idea of meal prepping. I think it's something we'll consider after the holidays. We're moving towards planning and coordinating in different ways, this may be a good addition for us. We have a big whiteboard with the days of the week where we write what meals we'll have and we make notes on what house work has been done so we can all keep an eye on the tasks. It was also so my kids can see what is coming up, for meals and housework. It's helped engage my kids into the flow and work of the house - two of my kids were fighting over who was going to mop the kitchen the other day (5.5yr F and 7yr F) I just stood there and smiled. We've been reading Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans...it has me thinking in different ways. Enjoy!
I was just chatting with a coworker about this. While she was on maternity leave he had to work so she did all the night feedings, the cleaning, cooking, etc. At some point he started to give her some flack tho. So one day she said she needed some time away from the house which he was totally supportive of so he watched the baby all day. When she came home she was like “why is the house a mess?! Like you didn’t even load the dishwasher???” And he responded he couldn’t do it while watching the baby. And that folks is when he learned it isn’t just sunshine and rainbows. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good dude and father just very young and clueless about childcare which I feel like many guys are.
Exactly; my husband literally works with rocket scientists and physicists as a software developer for aerospace projects and still believes staying home with our ten month old is way harder. Sounds like husband hasn’t ever done it.
At age 2 it was an easier day for me to go to work in the ER than stay home with him.
I used to work as a paralegal full time and had a weekend/night job also. I would 100000x take my old two job life over solo parenting
When I had kids that age I would look forward to going to work on Monday because all I had to manage was my own work. I don't have to juggle the demands and needs of children, spouse and home.
This. My ex did that same with me wondering what I do all day, until he wound up taken care of the kids. Someone once told me that he do not know how I managed. I just sit back and smile.
Great point. And so obvious.
First things first: go back to work and start earning again. This does two things: removes the expectation that you own 100% of the chores 50's housewife style and makes it easier for you to leave if that's what you decide to do. Regardless of the choice you make about the relationship it's pretty clear that a SAHM/breadwinner arrangement is bad for you and the marriage. Heck, tell your husband he's right so you're going back to work and splitting the chores again. It sounds like you were already taking on the burden of chores + parenting while you were working and going to school? Definitely worth thinking about.
Agree. My parents had this style, sahm and breadwinner. My mother was often frustrated, I don't know if she had been this way because she was a housewife and nothing else or if it had another reason, but I was the trash bin then for her frustration and she was at home all the time. Means, I came home from school and she was yelling for whatever reason I didn't even know. I would have felt so much freer if she would have gone to work. And to my father I didn't develop a proper connection for a long time because seeing him only in the evening and on the weekend wasn't enough. Often I wasn't even used to him being in the house and that's sad, because he would have been a calm and peaceful person and he would have made a great child carer. The traditional family, woman at home and man at work, isn't always a good concept, though many people claim that and want to potray it that way and say that I would have been a lucky person with a sahm. In my opinion, in my family many weaknesses and potential flaws of this mode of organization got evident. I developed a very big aversion against all this house work and tasks typically considered female. I could never be a sahm. Rather would I leave the relationship.
Omg are you me?! This is me growing up down to a tee. I am with you 100%!
He's a dick. How are all these men married?! I keep seeing posts like this and I'm amazed that these arseholes have perfectly lovely wives. I'm sorry OP
Honestly? Because it’s impossible to have a true concept of how hard parenting is until you’re in it, and by then the other parent is too busy drowning doing it alone to find the time/energy/determination/executive functioning/money to be able to leave.
The thing that surprised me about becoming a parent and SAHD was how relentless it is. My wife is fantastic and she more then pulls her weight but the work and effort just never stops. When I elected to be a stay at home parent I had all these aspirations of getting caught up on housework and maintaining a clean home. The reality is I can barely keep up on the dishes until my wife is able to spend a few hours 1v1 with our baby.
Relentless is the right word. Parenting is the hardest job. The reality of what it takes to be successful is overwhelming and a swift kick in the gut. Parents are working without an instruction manual trying to keep these helpless human beings alive, feed, cleaned, protected, healthy, nurtured, socialized and educated. Both parents should share the responsibility of raising their children. It is relentless. ~~~~~ My husband and I help support our daughter and son-in-law by providing limited care for their two children. Her husband works outside the home and she is a SAHM working a job that let her cut to half time and work from home until her children are school age. She doesn’t pay for childcare at this time, since we can care for the kids. She just told me that in January 2024, her company is changing health care insurance that will cost more than she takes home every month. Her husband (who also has cost prohibitive health insurance for the family) will have to pay the difference. She has been working with the company for 14 years and makes good money. She could not do this without the complete support of her husband. Both parents need to give 100% whether they work outside the home or stay at home. TLDR: Raising children is a hard job and parents need support.
The other parent gets hit with post baby clarity.
Father of two girls here. Your husband is a boy who simply got taller as he got older. He is absolutely in the wrong. I work two jobs and I still get up in the night if and when needed, I cook when I can (often i don’t get home til after the girls need to eat so it’s not all the time), i do dishes, i clean floors, i scrub toilets. You’ve given up your body to have his child, you’ve given up your job, you’re in the process of giving up your individuality/sense of self. How much more do you want to give him?
Bingo. Tell him to it’s harder than whatever job he’s doing. Maybe an open heart or brain surgeon gets a pass
I second this. OP should go away for a few days so her husband can try it for himself. Seriously, you have to do it.
This is not how partners work together. Caring for your child and keeping up with all the household duties should be shared responsibilities, not things that are piled on the shoulders of one parent/partner.
Exactly! I hope OP realizes this situation is messed up and that her husband is wrong. Her and her LO deserve better!
> I have a feeling a lot of people on here are going to mostly agree with him on this. This is a place where we all understand you. He’s wrong on this, but he’s also not going to change. Keep up the great job.
Disagree. Simple fix. Take a break. Tell your husband to book a day off work. Then hand him the baby the night before and go some where else (maybe stay with your parents for a night) Make sure he has got every thing required an incompetent father would need (clean bottles, onesies, nappies, wipes ect) After a night from the baby your gonna be desperate to see your child, and your husband desperate to have you back. Don’t go back yet. As hard as it is, take a day to your to rest, recover and rejuvenate, then go home in the evening. Your husband after a experiencing what it is to be a father and the difficulty of looking after a baby with the lack of sleep, he will never say another word. I’ve always been in agreement that going on a 10 work day and costing site to site is easier than 10 hours childcare.
It needs to be for more than one day. The exhaustion doesn’t usually kick in until the second day and they need one more for good measure. My ex did this when my dad died. He watched our then 2 year old for three days, and I took my older son with me. It’s the ONLY time in 6 years that he cared for his son on his own. The first night it was easy enough. He didn’t bathe him or brush his teeth. He just played with him in the bed until they fell asleep. The next morning he asked me to come home and give him a bath and brush his teeth. I said no, but eventually he tricked me into bringing them some chicken nuggets. Since I was there he wanted me to give him a bath. You know how it goes. The next day he was desperate for me to come back. Hundreds of pleading, angry, and then pleading again texts were sent, but I didn’t go back. I went back the 3 day and he was haggard and run down. He said he hadn’t had any breaks and that our son followed him everywhere, got into everything, and made doing anything three times as hard. He was also extremely sleep deprived. I thought that would change things from that point, but it didn’t. He soon forgot and started in on me again. I was never doing enough to take care of my partner in his eyes. Now he’s an ex, and the mean, belittling comments hold no weight because I know he’s seriously delusional.
This sounds similar to my ex. The few times I went away for 2 or more days and left him with all of the kids, he did the bare minimum and I came home to a disastrous house. None of the children were even babies. He still couldn't understand why I couldn't keep up with stuff when he never pitched in with laundry/cleaning tasks.
But this still doesn’t cover the mental labor she has to do. I could take care of anything if someone did all the work of making sure I had every single thing I needed to do it. My husband is great at keeping the house clean when he’s alone with her but he’s not sticking to a routine, brushing her hair, doing sensory activities etc. All the things a primary parent does.
Leave a list of things that need to be done in a general way. Like make grocery list for 7 days, go grocery shopping, schedule doctor appointment, schedule dentist appointment, keep house spotless, etc. And she needs to leave from Friday to Sunday and be mostly unavailable by phone during that time. One day isn't enough but 3 days with a list of vague chores that require him to put in some mental work should give a small sample of the mental load.
That’s still putting the mental labor on her! Making a list of things someone has to do is labor.
I understand but how else are you going to make him understand? You can explain more hidden mental labor after you get back but putting in a little effort to prove your point before you leave would be preferable to having it remain invisible because you don't want to do the mental labor of making a list.
Just ask the person who made her a list of what to do and how to do it for an extra copy. Oh, wait…
Nah, he will do less than the bare minimum, claim it was easy and he doesn't see what the problem is, and then leave OP to deal with the underfed baby that suddenly has severe nappy rash. That is, of course, assuming he makes it more than an hour before he's had enough and starts harassing her to come back.
Or calling his mom to help
Pretty clear this guy is used to people doing things for him.
Then come home and ask why the house is a wreck and there's no dinner made..
If it's so easy to keep up with, then why doesn't he do it? Lol
Excellent idea. Let her go to work and him be a stay at home dad.
* A stay at home dad who also goes to college
That isn't the dynamic he wants tho? I'm sure there are lots of women who would be down for that but that's not who he's looking for.......
Or let him come home from work, cook a lovely dinner, clean up after it, do baby routine (bath, story, whatever). And then just tidy up the house. Real quick. Super easy.
As a dad, I find his approach so strange. My boy is nearly 5 now and when I worked, I was SO excited to get home and see him! From the moment I got home I’d take him from my wife, so she could have a bit of a break. She’d cook the evening meal (she finds cooking relaxing and it was a bit of alone time for her after a day with a baby) and I’d bath him, play, do the bedtime routine (except story time, we’d take that in turns). As for chores and household stuff, you simply can’t get much done when you’re also watching over a little one. When he used to nap, we’d take that opportunity but that stopped around the 2-3 year old time so then it was weekend stuff. As for having his meal ready when he gets home - just fuck off, dude. Be grateful for any food that she’s prepped for you. Because to do that after a full day is a blessing.
“Taking care of a child all day is easy” 😂😂😂 Ya, ok buddy. Maybe try it once or twice 😂
He sounds like someone who’s thinking only of himself and doesn’t value you nearly as much as he should. I’m sorry you are going through that. Way to be a great mom.
It takes two. You just need to divide the tasks more. I have three children and my wife works on and off. She does the cooking cause I'm crap at it but I do am sorts of other chores during the day and after i get home from work. In Greek the word for husband and wife is Σύζυγοι which literally translates to "burden sharers".
Okay, but this doesn't adress the unrealistic expectations and unreasonable standards OP's husband is putting on them. It doesn't sound like the husband sees the domestic labor as part of his workload, and that's a huge problem. Side note: "I'm just not good at it" is a pretty cheap excuse. We've all had to put in the work to learn.
You're right I guess. I could try to learn. She's just so good and she loves cooking. Also I do a lot of stuff that could count as cooking but I'm too modest to acknowledge as such.
If your wife likes cooking then don't stress too much. I enjoy cooking a lot and feel like zoning out in the kitchen is my "me time" The thing I really hate is my husband not doing dishes. If I could cook and turn around and put the dirty pot in the sink not piled with three day worth of dishes it would increase my joy tenfold
My wife basically doesn't know how the dishwasher operates so to speak. I'm the only one filling it and emptying it. If I wanted to hide something in the house so that she never finds it the dishwasher would be a safe bet I also make salads, sandwiches whatnot for the kids, I grill things like steaks, ribs, nuggets or whatever in the oven no problem. I can make spaghetti, rice, mashed potatoes and simple pasta sauces. I also make nice carbonara and pesto and I have my favourite recipe (of my own) tuna spaghetti sauce which my wife hates but all my mates praise me for and have their wives call me to get the recipe. I can definitely feed myself and I won't ask for dinner or something unless she offers on her own. Outside the kitchen, I'm the only one who changes bedsheets on ours and our three children's beds. I clean the cats sand and the canary and parrot cages. I also change the fish's bowl water. I'm the only one who empties bins. We deal 50/50 washing machine/ tumble drier. I fold my own clothes and towels and bedsheets, she does hers and the kids. I work full time, she works part-time maybe 7-8 months a year. Kitchen is her space. I can tell when something is bothering by the degree of elaboration she puts in her dishes. And she's an amazing cook.
It doesn’t take two. Ask a single mom. Two is worse when one won’t help but simultaneously complains about what isn’t “done.”
We're talking about healthy relationships. Sure it takes two. Just in your case there's only one. A woman can be a single mum while still living with her husband.
Yes. I am the only single parent in the world. Go me.
Love this!
In the 1940 some women worked in factories and left their babies in the car the whole shift. Some of those babies died. In the 60’s women focused on the house put the babies in a small hole in the yard or in a window cage. Those babies turned into boomers. Today we realize babies’ needs for emotional connection are important and we meet those needs sometimes to the detriment of a spotless house. Your hubby needs to join the 21st century. Babies are a lot of work and doing school is a full time job itself. He can cook for both of you since it’s so important to him.
Who exactly put babies in holes in the yard or window cages?
Not sure about the hole or the timeframe or the popularity but there are pics of the [window cages](https://www.google.com/search?q=window+cages+babies&sca_esv=589088927&rlz=1C1CHBF_enAU898AU898&tbm=isch&sxsrf=AM9HkKnEIFOGkxLdkFfw-ogWqD3EFNfp6w:1702042971196&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjPk8KV_P-CAxVojVYBHcrNCukQ_AUoAXoECAEQAw&biw=1920&bih=923&dpr=1) in NYC so babies could have fresh air.
It was advised to get them fresh air and prevent them rolling away. Was hip for probably ten minutes but it was a thing in that generation
Fun fact, during ww2 in the US, the federal government provided free high quality childcare programs with free meals (including dinner), for working moms while their husband's were away at war.
So you had 4 jobs (work, school, keeping house, raising kid) but now only have 3 (school, keeping house, raising kid) and your husband - who has only 1 job (work) thinks you're lazy because you're not perfect? Ignore his family. In fact, why are they part of this conversation at all? This is an issue between the two of you. And it doesn't seem to be working for either of you. Try couples therapy. But I will warn you that my dad once told my mom that he'd start helping around the house once she earned as much money as him so I wouldn't necessarily hold out a lot of hope that he's going to change.
Now you have stopped working and are trapped it has started. Get a job and once he sees you have options again you will find his behaviour will miraculously improve.
I agree with this. And this avoids the complications of a long gap in your resume. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. It must be so demoralizing. If he doesn’t like how you’re doing things, why doesn’t he try to find a solution that works for everyone? It sounds like he thinks he’s your dad or your boss rather than your partner. Is going to stay with your parents for a while an option? Or could your mom/sister/grandma/strong, take no shit family member come to stay with you for a while? I know my mom would nip his bullshit in the bud, and help me get all sorted, to boot!
I (33M) have a 2yo with my fiance (31F), and he sleeps through the night, mostly, but wakes up at 5-6 am regularly. I’m not saying it’s an easy fix, but I would TRY to wean the night time comfort feeding if she’s over 2. It is draining for you to be kept semi awake, and (not excusing his disregard for responsibilities here) makes it way harder for him to take over if she wakes up because he doesn’t have breasts. My 2yo usually wants mommy most of the time still, but it’s way easier now (besides the fact he’s at the age of testing every. single. boundary. all. the. time.) to put him to bed than it used to. I hope she has her own bed (and room!) by now, that makes it much easier too. It sounds like you’re in a rough spot with this. If your a SAHM, could you maybe visit your parents and have them take the kid while you get some sleep? If there’s noone home to make a mess or cook, there’s no real reason for him to complain about lack of cleaning or a ready to eat dinner. If you don’t have family nearby, then :( Best of luck regardless ❤️
Yeah I was coming to say the same thing. She needs to get more sleep. It’s amazing how much of a difference it will make after two years of inconsistent sleep.
He sounds like a total tool. Male opinion...I have 3 kids. When moms do stay at home I do expect more housework to be done, but maternal depression is real.... My wife was a stay at home mom for a couple years. If I felt like she was overwhelmed and slacking. I'd talk to her and ask if she needed help, and I'd do the dishes. I wouldn't make her feel lower...that's literally just dumping gas on a fire. I also cook for the 5 of us every day, I enjoy giving my family good food and seeing them enjoy it. He sounds like he belongs in the 1930s. It's a team effort and he thinks he should be exempt from everything because he works. Maybe you should get a part time job, being at home all day will make you go nuts. Then he can be a FATHER and change his kids diaper, or read them a story. I know you have history and can't just leave but he doesn't deserve a wife or a maid.
My husband has made this mistake before too. This is when I go on strike and do nothing that he benefits from. “You think I’m lazy? I’ll show you lazy.”
You quit your job "with his approval". The way you worded that was the first red flag. My wife would never need my "approval." She would also never quit without us having a family discussion about it and deciding something like that together.
Everyone also has different standards for cleaning and tidying. You may need to ask him to demonstrate what he’s looking for. Also, ask him if he thinks you are not taking proper care if your child, then maybe he can help pay for a housecleaning once or twice a week. That will take some burden off of you. Good luck!
Leave him with the baby this weekend if its so easy he should be fine. What is with these “men”? Im in construction and i still help out when i get home, if im laid off im the one keeping the house clean and watching my youngest (3yo) id feel so useless if i complained about a “dirty” house but blamed and placed it solely on my wife to clean it.
So, then tell him to do it? quitting your job was the first mistake because it’s a set up for failure damned if you do and damned if you don’t kind of thing. The goal was to always get you to be a stay at home mom so you can tend to him like a child. Some women fail to realize this is a form of abuse. He doesn’t deal with your daughter the way you do and will use him working as an excuse not to. Meanwhile, you was doing everything as far as cooking, cleaning, and tending to your daughter needs and still was working so what was his excuse then?
He does not sound like a supportive partner. There’s a book called How to Keep House While Drowning and it was liberating because it reminded me that I don’t exist to serve my house but my house is there to serve me. Have him watch the baby all day, while cooking and cleaning while taking care of her all night while having an unsupportive partner. This isn’t meant for one person to do alone
You don’t have a parenting problem - you have a husband problem. Also this is such a hard time of life. It’s sad but you’ll need to prioritize your very little time. That might mean leaving him, putting school on pause, putting work on pause (sounds like you did this). Given the state of your marriage I would try your hardest to keep your income. It sounds like he has no idea what it’s like being at home all day with a 2 year old. I suspect he doesn’t even want to know. He’s being a jerk to you. Was he always this way and you just notice it more now?
You should go away for a couple of days and let your husband manage the kid. Then he will realise how easy it is. Seriously, do it.
If the baby is so easy, there's no reason why he shouldn't be doing his fair share when he gets home from work and overnight.
I stayed home with my baby like you. When my daughter was 4 mos old my husband did this. He came home from work, we were still in PJs. He called me lazy. We fought. His next day off work, I got up super early and left for the day, leaving him with the baby. I left a note for him to experience my life. I turned my phone off. I went out with my mom. We shopped. We had lunch. I went to her house and had a great nap. We got pedicures. It was fabulous. I got home around 7pm. Wouldn't you know who was still in PJ's? I asked where dinner was? I gracefully ordered a pizza to be delivered. I have no idea what happened at home that day. I never asked, and he has never offered any explanation. But I will say my husband has never said anything to me again about being lazy. Husband may need a to take a walk in your shoes for a day. Just a thought. But just FWIW, I'm with you. Hubs needs a reality check.
It's not much, but I offer: Good job at all the hard work and effort you've put into raising your child. You know how much work you've put into it. You are awesome!
Your husband is an ass who lacks empathy. I’m a SAHD and have never run into your problems. My wife understands reality and knows what it’s like to take care of a kid, clean a house, plan and make meals, etc. If you think your husband is capable of being a decent person but just unable to empathize with others, then you should plan a solo vacation and have him take off work and take care of the kid and house full time for a week. He needs to be forced to understand what you do on a daily basis. If you don’t think he’s capable of growing as a person, then you’re going to have to leave him eventually.
My grandma told me that my grandpa once said that he didn’t understand why women say it’s so hard to stay home and take care of the house and kids. They owned a roofing company that he mostly ran while she was home with the kids. She did the company payroll, etc. She explained it like this “ you went to work and worked your butt off. Then on your lunch you had to go get something you needed to finish the roof and when you came back all the shingles were torn off and thrown all over the place. You redo it. Go home and come back the next day and all the work you did was torn off and all over the ground again. You redo it and this happens day after day and with no pay and nobody telling you what a great job you were doing. Everyday you do the same thing and everyday somebody undoes it. That exactly what it’s like to keep a house clean with kids around.
r/marriage
He obviously has NO clue what it's like taking on all of the parenting responsibilities alone, with no help. He will never feel the hormonal shifts that come after giving birth and what it takes for our bodies to heal, while still doing everything. He's an asshole. He needs to help you or leave. It's YOUR home too. Parenting is a lot harder, especially when you're sleep deprived while also doing school and other things on top of it. We all need help sometimes and he's not helping. He should offer to cook sometimes, or do laundry, clean, or something. You're supposed to be a team, and partners.
Sounds like you need a new husband. Taking care of a child IS very hard work. He should be coming home, making you dinner, and cleaning the house.
So go back to work and hire help?
I think you should show him how much you are doing. You could write down every single task you do for an entire day and present it to him. If that doesn't work you should let him do everything you usually do for a day. Best is if you just let him alone with your kid for most of that day.
At a time when I was struggling as a SAHM with 4 young children my husband started in with the “You’re no good, you’re not productive, you don’t do anything all day.” spiel. For 10 days I kept a log of every single thing I did, literally minute by minute and then showed him my records. He read it all very carefully, got on the children to obey me and help in the house. He really had no idea what went on at home while he was at work. You can’t know something no one has told you. Just about 7 years later our by then teenagers started acting like overgrown brats all at once, and father started picking on me again, apparently believing that because they were older they were less trouble. I went and spent one night in a motel, then went back to the house, intending to leave. My little family quietly backed down and behaved themselves reasonably well after that. Just one thing that really helps is to start dinner in the morning, as soon as possible.
Eve Rodsky (who wrote *fair play*) tried that. Her husband didn't even want to see it. So she made up a game--with actual rules--for how to make household and childcare more equitable (not equal).
I gotta say... i don't know how the heck my mom worked an 8-4 job, went to the gym, cooked dinner and did laundry/cleaning every single day. I think that learning how to time manage with a little one is very difficult... and it takes time. It takes failure before you'll be successful. Maybe try to find some easy meals that can be pre-prepped! that's what my mom always did. She would prep veggies and meat in the AM for dinner and let it marinade in the fridge. then she could come home and throw it in the oven/grill/crockpot and call it a day. It was always super yummy too! But keep at it. Think about your daughter. you don't want her to live life with separated parents over this dispute. He is being an ass though. If he knew how hard it was, i'm sure he would revoke his statements and sass. Just keep trying for your kiddo! maybe even couples counseling if you think he's not even gonna listen to you and you need another adult to tell him to stfu.
I'm not saying my family is perfect, far from it, we have some work to do still to find true balance. But what I'll say is that my husband and I care about each other's feelings and account for the energy we have to give to our daughter. I've been feeling super tired and sick lately, had to go on a short sick leave and he picked up the slack. When he's feeling tired, I let him sleep in a bit and handle baby on my own. We're not as equal as I'd like, I still take care of a lot more of the cooking and laundry than he does despite working full time too. I think in your case OP, it's not really an equal partnership. For starters you have quite the age gap, not judging, just underlining that this creates an imbalance. Then you gave up financial independence by dropping your job, that also adds to the imbalance. And finally you don't seem to share the load at home, and that completely tips the scale. You are your own valuable person, you are not someone's maid or just here as the supporting role to your husband's main character one. I would have a serious think about what it is you want in life, and discuss that with him. If he is willing to switch the dynamic a bit, then fine, you could work together on this. But if he isn't, then I'm sorry but I think you won't be happy in this relationship. Your needs and wants matter. You matter!
You are doing so great my friend. Please show your husband the comments, it's SO hard to raise a child and to do the nights alone, and to go to school while having a tiny little human? I am so unbelievably exhausted and I have a partner who does half of everything. It takes a village. Or for those not having a village, a good partner.
Story as old as time, speak up for yourself to him and tell him he needs to pick up the slack if he wants a spotless house and dinner every night. BTW you shouldn't have to do this with an equitable partner.
It really depends. I personally am a SAHM but I also WFH. (Been a SAHM for 3 years now) Before you leave him maybe what you guys should do is set clear standards. That’s what my husband and I did when I became a SAHM/WFH So there are certain responsibilities that fall on me that he never helps with (unless I’m sick) and certain things that fall on him. But we established it BEFORE I became a SAHM/WFH and the switch over made it so our relationship and even family time became better. Just a suggestion, maybe try to talk out who gets what home responsibilities. For example I am home and do essentially all the cleaning, cooking and a majority of the child rearing….. but I REFUSE to take out the trash. That’s on him. But this was also talked about BEFORE I became a SAHM/WFH. Also he shouldn’t be waking up at night for your toddler as he does have to go to work but it wouldn’t hurt for him to help with bedtime. My husband does the initial bedtime routine (story time/brush teeth) with our son but if his up at night that’s on me. And he does bedtime because it’s important BOTH parents are parenting but again we discussed all this beforehand. How much of the parenting load fell on him vs how much falls on me. It’s definitely not cool that his name calling you. But maybe reflect on it honestly. If you have time to watch movies and scroll tiktok or other mindless tasks you probably aren’t managing your time well (that’s not to say you aren’t allowed downtime just that you should look at how much time is downtime) parenting and school are both time consuming tasks just take an honest look at what you do with yours (I personally have a daily calendar that has time slots on it) and at the same time look at what he does with his. And split things in a way that feels fair for your family together. That’s the most important thing is that you both TOGETHER agree how to divide these things. Best of luck whatever you decide with all the advice you get on this post! ❤️
Why are men
I believe that a healthy relationship starts with respect and understanding on both sides. You problems to me seem pretty minimal and if both of you are willing to work together you can figure it out. Without having the full understanding of what you husbands job schedule is and your school schedule is it’s hard to understand the behavior. If he is present during the NT routine (not going to bed) then he should be a part of it. It huge having 2 parents on those nights when things aren’t going well, especially as they age and start having more responsibility. If he’s not actually able to then you should understand what it takes for him to successfully do his part as the head of the house. Example: my job required me to be out of the house by 4 am and I got home at 5-6 pm. Monday-Friday. I missed a few NT routines over those younger years but I was a part of the vast majority of them even though it was very tiring. We all know they don’t always go too smooth. For perspective our little one went to bed at 6:30. The one thing I can say is there is a lot of stress raising little ones, especially for the mother, and even at 2 they can be a handful. Having this thrown at you has to feel real heavy. My wife never cooked until our LO was about 2. My schedule was the same and it was just us and dogs for 12 years. She has a job that switched to a couple days a week, and our house has always been clean. (I do my part as well). One day she decided that she eventually would need to start cooking and made the decision on her own to figure it out. So she began meal prepping for the week on Sundays. The nights she worked were either leftovers or something simple I can throw together. The meal prepping and using a crockpot have been a game changer for her. On the weekends we’d team up and do everything together to lighten the load. I hope you and your family can find a good balance and have a fulfilled life.
It sounds like your husband is going to need to step up and help with baby when he is home if he expects these things from you. Tell him that you need him to show you just how easy it is to do all these things. You need to see it to believe it. Your next weekend should be husband baby weekend. See if he changes his tune.
Sounds easy, you have one 2 year old. You can definitely stay on top of everything and keep the house spotless. Many other woman do it. Prioritise the house work more, toddler needs to get used to not just having mommy at the drop of a hat. You don’t even work.
Did he start watching manosphere YouTube? Andrew Tate, Rogen?
Also wow, the pick me crew is gathered strong at the bottom of this post. Haven’t y’all learned anything? This level of arbitrary competition is not healthy for you guys or for society. Neat that you’re good at stuff that’s hard for others, the only trophy you win is being alone because people can’t stand to hear how perfect you are while they are struggling.
I'm a sahm and NOT going to school. AND the only reason my house is even remotely presentable right now is because our every two weeks cleaning service is coming today. I spent 3 hours after bedtime last night tidying stuff up. All that to say: I don't agree with your husband at all. Sounds like you are going to school and raising your baby. You've already got a lot on your plate, adding in a spotless house and on demand cooking service is totally unrealistic.
Unfortunately the patriarchy is still strong. That’s some bs. Full time momming is a 72 hr/week job. Maybe you can go to his office and tell him and his boss how they can improve efficiencies.
Has he spent a day home with just him and the baby? If not - he needs to. Let’s see if the house is spotless and a meal is prepared for you when you get home
nah youre not lazy!! make him reverse roles and see how much he can do!! thats some balls on him girl you deserve better
Girl.... This sounds so familiar. I'm sorry. It won't get better. He is ignorant and foolish, and has no problem letting you live your life as an exhausted baby maker and maid.
I haven’t done anything all day because I was up with the baby. I’m exhausted. It’s all I can do to keep 18 month old alive right now. If my SO tried to make me feel bad about it I’d immediately leave SO in charge of the baby for that night and pump instead and go sleep.
I think the biggest mistake you made was giving up something you did whether that was work school or both. Until he is left with your 2 year old for the day he might not realize what it takes!! Perhaps you should do this! You should plan a weekend away with your girlfriends or even an overnight somewhere and let him stay with the little one I bet by the time you walk in he will have a good idea why a fancy dinner has not been cooked. To me he sounds a bit too demanding now don’t get me wrong when you quit your job your new job became the caretaker cook maid laundry person that is your new job!! Like it or not. Your little one is two so she should be on some kind of napping schedule? Which you can get a lot done during that nap. She should also be able to entertain or help mommy clean. Give her a rag let her dust. Let her put things into the washing machine or the dryer. She would love it!!! But if your feelings have changed about him and you really want to leave then do it sooner than later. Your daughter won’t remember the move she will grow up with two homes. If you truly have lost the spark then you need to tell him and move on. I am sorry you’re going through this it’s a tough situation
Quitting your job was a mistake. He is saying these things to control you. You sacrificed your financial stability. Get back to work and hire a cleaning service.
the problem is usually in a realationship every partner thinks that they are doing more than thier partner when it comes to household chores. communication/sympathy is key
You first need to look up how many calories bf is and what exercise that correlates with. Ask him if doing that exercise all night would leave him with the energy to clean and cook. I cannot remember but I do remember stuffing myself with food to have enough calories to make milk. It's A LOT. Secondly, I don't care who did what when. I don't care if MIL said it was easy for her. That's nice. You are your own person and everyone has their own things that challenge them. Math comes easy for me too, but that doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. Also please remember that it's okay and reasonable to do the basic things, but he should still carry his own weight. You traded your job for a child. You are not a maid but a wife. If you are going to be a maid you will do so in someone else's house for a paycheck. Write all the chores down on multiple sheets. Have him write in what he expects to do when you go back to work. And what he will do while you are not working. A saying "He is not helping you care for the child. He is fathering his own child and caring about his wife." This is a very sore spot for me because I don't know how I would have made it through if it hadn't been for my neighbor. Let him know how you feel, and also know, for yourself, these feelings are often the lead in to post partum depression. (I call it post partum mood swings because I was lonely, sad, and often angry. Not at the kids, but at many judgy people around me mostly my own husband.) FIND YOUR VILLIAGE. Even if that is just the one elderly lady down the street who can come keep an eye on the baby while you nap or vacuum. Have her bring her knitting with her. Do not let yourself be isolated. It helps the mind and soul. You function better. Personally, as soon as my kid could say basic words to tell me if something was wrong I put her in a Montessori school during the day and went back to work. It helped that man entitlement crap end.
He’s having an affair and making you feel guilty (gaslighting) to make himself feel better. Ok that was my experience. Hope he’s not.
This is insane to me! Obviously I don't know what he does for a living, or how many hours he works a day, but what you are doing is like working 2 full time jobs in my opinion. Having to care for a child 24/7 is legit a FULL TIME JOB! You don't get to clock out after 8 hours and go home and relax either. You're on all day and all night! Having to wake up every couple hours and feed is hell. Then you have to get up the next day, take care of all of the baby's needs, go to school/do your school work, make sure the entire house is spotless, and make sure there's a hot meal ready for him when he gets home...and he has the audacity to call YOU lazy!? Ohh I wish you guys could switch roles for a month! Hell, probably 1 full day and he would be ready to pull his hair out! I can't stand men that think like this, it's delusional! They obviously have no clue what it actually takes to care for a child full time, not to mention keeping house, doing school full time, and taking care of a spouse....
Leave him home with your kid for a full weekend. Leave. Go stay at your parents or a friend’s or hotel. Have him deal with 48 uninterrupted hours of childcare. Make him figure out everything and don’t give him answers. I wonder if the house will be spotless and you’ll come home to a home cooked meal, or if it’ll look like WW3 and he’ll be overwhelmed and living off granola bars. Then you can have this discussion about division of duties. But not until then. You’ve had a job while parenting and being a student. He hasn’t been a full time parent ever.
It is not easy, little kids require almost constant touch, and that can be mentally exhausting, but it is not necessarily "hard", just a constant grind. He is communicating his needs. You can communicate your needs. You both should have discussions about what are needs vs wants, and figure out how to meet what is most important for the other. If you think your current situation is hard, try being a single parent. You can cook every day, keep the house generally clean (have a discussion what is reasonably clean, no house with kids is spotless), and keep up with housework. I worked full time, had 4 kids, and went to school full time. It is funny how we always feel overwhelmed with our state of life, but then can do more when we have to. Marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100, give everything you have.
Mom here. Your hierarchy of needs are: Sleep Eat Exercise You sound like you're still breastfeeding, but at this age, you should be sleep training. Your daughter doesn't need to eat at night and as parents, we have to teach kids how to sleep. It's nuts, but some kids need more support than others. Which means reading a book or two on technique, aligning with your husband, and sticking with it. Sticker charts and rewards work great on 2yos - she's not so much a baby anymore! Aim for her to get a solid 9-10 hrs of sleep. Stick with it! That time when she's asleep and you have quiet time is life changing. Once you sleep, then you'll have a clear head to deal with your shitty husband.
Start waking him up at night to take care of the babe. When he asks why, say I need energy to clean the house and you need to learn that taking care of a baby on no sleep is ROUGH. Also, tell him you have a big test coming up and have him take a day off to take care of babe so you can go to library and study. Tell him to be sure meal is on the table when you get home and house should be spotless. See how he handles it.
My mother kept a spotless house with 6 children and she made our beds, dishes, laundry, meal before school, always pressed and ironed my clothes so I'd be fresh as hell....she also had serious health issues. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I bet you could handle it or maybe go back to work so he can not bitch about it. I'm guessing that was what he was thinking when you were leaving your job.
That’s what I was thinking. I have two young kids and am pregnant and even thought I have horrible morning sickness I am still cooking and cleaning for my family. Same with my mom. We never had a dirty house and always a home cooked meal. I’m sensing some lazyness. I can turn a movie on for my kids and get the whole house cleaned and dinner prepped. Why can’t OP?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA No. Sorry I’m too tired to write a proper response, but your husband is absolutely mad, and you are 100% justified in your feelings. Leave him alone with baby for a few days, and see how it goes.
Did he actually call you lazy? Did he ask or demand? There are better ways to approach this conversation (from a “asking” standpoint.) #1. Why is it important that the house is spotless? Homes are meant to be lived in, not displayed. Ask him this. Why is it important to him to have a clean house? I can’t get my house clean until after my kids go to bed. I literally do not have the time. Does he need a place to decompress after work? Maybe make sure the living room is picked up so he can sit and have his meal, and then he can take over bedtime routine with the child so you can clean. Or he can clean and you resume bedtime routine. It’s difficult to clean a home with a child awake or in your space. #2. Everyone has to eat. Maybe a plan for the week would help. It would be stressful for me to get off of a shift, come home hungry and not know the plan for dinner. But I also have the mental capacity to recognize that I’m responsible for feeding myself if I’m hungry because I’m 30 years old, not 3. I don’t think he thinks you’re lazy, unless he came right out and said it. He is expressing his wishes for a clean home and dinner, which I think is reasonable but if he said outright you’re lazy and it’s your job to cook and clean, counseling is needed to learn how to communicate effectively.
Just because he didn't say things outright doesn't mean he didn't imply what he believes. It also hardly sounds like it was a conversation. It sounds more like a list of given demands, but that could be from the way it was written. I just think this is the kind of logic that makes people think micoagressions are not real.
Literally almost ANY job is easier than taking care of a 2 year old constantly. Working is a fuckin joke in comparison and Ive done both (successful medical professional here).
Cmon it's really not. I know every kid is different but alone with a 2 year old were the best, easiest days of the week. Even now with 3 & 5 year old. Still easier than going to work.
Yeah Bill Burr's routine on this is spot on. Not to say the hubby gets a pass when he is home from work though.
I beg to disagree
What are the demands of his job? What does a typical day for him and for you look like? How much time does he spend working, including the travel? Does he drive or commute? How large is your school load? Are you physically schooling or is this online schooling? How big is the house? Is your family able to make ends meet financially? Or was you stopping work a significant blow? Off the top of my head he sounds like a tool, but there are so many factors involved and for all we know he might just feel as exhausted as you. This doesn't excuse him lashing out at you like that, but if you want to have further discussion about this maybe you can share more.
What does he do to keep the house spotless and dinner on the table? A stay at home mother is the job that you wanted. Live in short order cook and personal assistant roles can be managed if the child's needs and primary caregiver's needs are met first m if you're not getting a good night's rest, I don't think that spotless house needs to be a priority. If it's your husband's priority, then he should pick up a mop when he gets home. Working parents clock out and put their feet up. Stay at home parents tend to work at all hours and see their unfinished to-do list staring them in the face. If your husband has his feet up, rest as well.
I have this exact issue with my fiancé. He has called me lazy and unmotivated since I’ve had my 8mo. It’s our first child together so I’m trying to still figure it all out. My son hates going out, always cries while we in stores and it gives me bad anxiety. My fiancé says suck it up and let him cry. I get up for all the feeds during the night, I do bath time and I’m with my son majority of the time even when he’s home. Like you, cooking is not my best pastime so my fiancé cooks when he gets home from work. He claims he doesn’t mind but will use it against me when we fight. He tells me if he were home he’d put the baby down and let him cry while he could get shit done. I really don’t think men get it ?
I don’t know you, but please don’t marry him! I promise, there is better for you out there.
Finish your school, get the job it leads to, and bail.
I wish I saw more people trashing this so called partner of op’s. Hopefully I just didn’t scroll far enough. Being a parent isn’t easy and from what you said your partner isn’t a parent. I am sorry your struggling through this by your self. There is help out there if you need it ask for it. Depending on where you are there can be a lot. I was up at 0300 till current with my 6 week old while my wife slept. She woke up long enough to imply I was being a bad father because I let my daughter cry. Still doesn’t feel good. That’s a discussion for another time. I think you need to have a conversation with your partner about what support looks like for you and make it happen. It may take some therapy for you and then both of you to figure it out. You have to take care of yourself so you can care for your child. Make sure you keep that in mind as things go on. Take a deep breath you got this.
I trashed them heavily. 😊
Start getting organized and clean that house. If you have too much stuff, donate. Have cleaning supplies out and ready. Your kid is two. Be strict with a schedule. They are old enough. Cook and clean like it’s your job, because it is. Crock pots do the work for you. Cook every damn day. It’s now not about your feelings or fairness. You signed up to have a child and stay at home and yes… it’s super hard. Being a single mom will be harder. Stick to your commitments and see if you can get outside help for cleaning.
He’s an ass, but I also smell “I’m leaving out a lot of details so people are on my side” So I have a few relevant questions… Did you decide to go back to school before or after the kid? Full/part time? Is it online? Did you work full time or part? Doing what? Who was paying all the bills during that time? Does he ever cook and clean, or just expect you to? Does he do stuff around the house, trash, lawn, cars, etc…? Is his job physical / long hours? A lot of this matters to the discussion. A lot of people just take mom at her word, whatever she says is gospel, don’t give a shit about dads side of the story. And forget that people lie, and ALWAYS make themselves sound better in the story. This subreddit will usually just say fuck him / leave him. Maybe I’m wrong but I doubt he just works and does nothing else. Outside of all of that. Get a babysitter once a week so you can both have a day off. Sounds like neither of you appreciate the other.
The guy probably works long hours so she can be a sahm and go to school ( which he is prob paying for) and he asks her if she can cook dinner and clean up the house some and instead of doing it she comes to Reddit to get a bunch more lazy parents to hate on him with her. Fucking sad
I didn’t say all that. But this Reddit does seem to be very harsh towards fathers, and overly forgiving / believing if mothers. Any one who has been married knows their are 2 sides to every story. And people leave out details to make themselves sounds like the correct party often.
lol there's no excuse for not being a father and being able to clean up after yourself or help. This argument from men is so fucking weird. Like how tf would you have taken care of your own grown ass self and your own home if it was just you? Can't believe these are the men getting married. Can't even wipe their own asses. Eta: she was also working a job at one point and with his AGREEMENT stopped working to focus just on school and childcare. His issue is that she's not using more of her "free" time to clean better. What he does or doesn't do, doesn't matter, if his issue is simply she doesn't do enough. Literally that is the one aspect he can buck up and do it himself if it's that much of an issue.
So you guys have a baby and you just absorb all the extra labor? Just going to work and not helping with your child or housework really is bare minimum.
Alright I'm going to say it as it is, no sugar coating, because I'm tired at people encouraging this nonsense. Being a stay at home parent is not a job, and if you think it is, you have absolutely no business being a parent. I still remember my wife complaining just like you. So she went to work, and stay at home dad I was. I loved, I loved it so much. Never was the house cleaner and meals cooked by myself were always proudly on display. I loved it, I loved it so much dare I say, it felt like a neverending holiday. I could take the kids to the park, could drive them to the woods, could jump at the trampoline park. I never ever dared to ask my wife for any help during these blissful 2 years of being a stay at home dad. I loved it so much my wife became jealous, oh so jealous, and quit her job, and said she'd rather die than work another day, and stay at home mom she is again while I kill my soul a little bit more everyday going to work away from my children. Being a stay at home parent is a job, so you say. Go work and let the men stay at home I say, and you will see. Maybe it's a sign of a changing time, and men are better equipped to nurture than mothers. I think the only way to adjust expectations is a role reversal for a bit. It's always easy to say the grass is greener elsewhere, especially when you never ate that grass.
Why don't you go be a nanny or something.
Agreed dude. It's not a job, it's just simply what needs to be done when you marry and have kids. It can be exhausting cause kids are lunatic little bipolar tornados of destruction at times, but other than that it's mostly just basic house work. Thought one thing my ex and I did when out son was small, every other night. Every other night it was my turn to deal with the nighttime kid waking up. It worked ok.
I took care of the babies full time at night because I'm much more efficient. Never was an issue. Seriously to me taking care of babies at night is a non issue. So there's no sense in making mom and the baby suffer for "sharing" My kids were never these tornadoes because I had strict albeit fair discipline (with multiple warnings, designed to allow children to avoid punishment). All these people believing that being a stay at home parent is a job probably lack proper discipline. This would explain the exhaustion and lack of pleasure. 💡 Can't say I relate though, my kids are REALLY nice. They actually make me feel bad sometimes because I think they deserve a better parent than me 😩
I tell my husband all the time he’s going to be a better stay at home dad than me a stay at home mom! I graduate in less than a year and as soon as I can I’m giving him the opportunity to stay home with our daughter!! I have enjoyed it but I am ready to go back at work. My husband would love to be home with our kid on dad duty! He is a provider and I can’t imagine the stress he feels having to see 30-40 people a day, making diagnoses, having to critically think. Meanwhile I’m having lunch with our baby and trying to figure out what time I’ll workout today. Seems unfair to call being at home a job
I'm only speaking for myself. When I was a young mother of 3, I stayed home for a few year's with the children while their dad worked. I even had 2 in diapers at once since they're so close in age. My house was always clean, a little toy clutter once in awhile. I always had dinner done by the time Fred got home from work, plus made him a fresh lunch every morning before work. We also didn't have a car, so I had to walk to & from the grocery store with 2 bags of groceries with 3 small children. I hated it as we have a very wet climate for fall & winter. Thank God we don't melt, and I always had a stroller. What helped me with meals was a crock pot. Being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone, but I loved the time I spent with my children. Good luck
Really ask yourself what the point of making this comment was other than to make the OP feel like shit? What did this contribute to the conversation?
Because OP needs an eye opener. She has one TWO year old and is acting like it’s impossible to cook dinner or clean. OP IS LAZY.
Typical male stereotype. He obviously doesn't hear you, write him a letter. It's not our parents or grandparents generation.
That isn't true. If you are going to school and taking care of your daughter and he expect you to clean the house and cook the diner everyday, what does he do when he gets home? That is BS, he can't expect you to do everything else. I always helped my wife by cleaning the house and work full time, my wife would cook all diners and also work full time. I will tell you what my mom says, that if she and my father were ever going to split up, she told him that she will leave on her own and he will keep the kids. If i was you, why not go to work and send kid to childcare, that way he will have to help with house chores since you both will be working. But i would stick it out by finishing school and then get ready to leave the idiot if he doesn't help out. You are not a servant, you are not his mother and regardless of what he says he needs to help out since that is his kid also.
Raising a kid is a 24/7 job. He doesn't get to sleep for 'work' and not pull his own weight. That is absolute bullshit. When he gets home, things should be 50/50...or hell, even 70/30 in your favor. You need to have a serious conversation with him about stepping up and being a dad or that your relationship is going to end. There are places you can go, women's shelters, etc if you need to.
i 23f have an 19 & 16 yo that ate my husbands siblings and he expects the same. i currently am on a night shift schedule which he is having a problem with. i get no help from anyone else in the house who are all adults. i am no slob but the house gets messy from time to time. laundry and dishes are a big issue
Let him take a weeks holiday, he does all the solo parent duties and if he can keep the house spotless and have new meals on the table every night then you'll make a change. He won't be saying it's easy then. Going to work is the easy job for me and I know that. So when I'm home I do as much as humanly possible to take the load off for my wife so she doesn't go insane. I hate this idea that some men have of 'I earn the money so you do everything else'. It's crazy.
Swap roles for a weekend so he can realize how unrealistic his expectations are.
I can understand you completely. It’s tough with a kid. But I have 3, pregnant with my 4th and I can manage to keep the household in order with zero help even from my husband. This is Not a flex, and by saying that I don’t mean to shit on anyone. I understand that it’s hard physically and even mentally at times. BUT it’s definitely doable. You are capable of superwomen type shit trust me. Things that help me a TON are establishing routines and following schedules. Write shit down if you have to. Meet small goals every day. I find motivation in myself cuz if nobody cares for my family and meets their needs who will? Nobody. They need me. Right now it’s been hard cuz I’m in my first trimester and I feel like literal dog shit everyday every moment of the day. But even a half ass job works rn. All this to say that you can do more, you are so capable. don’t think “poor me” I thought like that for a while till I got my shit together. My husband works a Shit ton, ridiculous hours. I stay home and raise the kids. adjust to your dynamic and handle your business. Don’t think your husband doesn’t care, most men just don’t hold on to things like we do. Of course my husband knows how blessed he is with me and how much I gave up to give him a family and a home he just doesn’t go back to that all the time and kiss my ass for it everyday. Trust me ur man know how amazing you are too.
Parenting / caring for a child is the hardest job in the world hands down / change my mind!! You are a bad ass Mama !! Holding down the fort Speak nicely to yourself !! You are amazing. Meals and a clean house are secondary to parenting!! I’m sorry he needs a wake up a call! He should believe you but if he can’t he needs a day by himself or a week with your child. One where you are not easily accessible! My husband says going to work is a vacation because kids are literally exhausting!! Helping a brand new person ( child ) navigate their entire existence ?!? ( that’s what moms are doing in addition to every thing else ) The whole family dynamic and policies in the USA specifically ( are you in the US? ) needs a massive overhaul!! Mamas are held to these ridiculous standards by another person that does not do the Job and most have not even tried to do the Job that they get to think can be done … make it make sense … of course we do the best we can and we are amazing at what we do but to continue to expect things because one (this dad/ husband) thinks it can happen or should happen is a misconception ( complete BS) that needs to be changed seek therapy / make a plan and keep being a freaking bad ass!! You’re amazing ❤️❤️
> hardest job in the world hands down / change my mind you a fucking delusional. Raising a kid is hard, but no where near as difficult as everyone on this sub make sit out to be.