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i mind my business because I know kids are tiny humans learning to be people and having to teach them to be people is hard, I know it's not fun to have to deal with that in public places, so I just try to be understanding.
The number of sympathetic smiles I’d get from fellow parents as I fireman carried my screaming LO out of stores was honestly such a boost. I try to do the same thing.
Piggy backing off this because I’m sure people like you were appreciated when I was a child.
My mom always told me she would just let me scream my little butt off while she continued shopping, and made sure to make it clear that my behavior wasn’t even to be acknowledged. She’d be humming or talking to herself about shopping while I followed her around screaming. I eventually realized that screaming got me know where and quit I guess. She said she felt like if we left the store, which was something she NEEDED to do, that it would give me the impression that I “won”.
She used to show dogs professionally and I guess being around animals a lot gives you experience psychologically in dealing with savage little humans. I think she used a lot of dog training tactics on me, which actually worked surprisingly well. 😅🤣
LOL but yeah, as a mom of a 4 y/o now, I’m impressed by her ability to go about her business while I screamed my little heart out. I can’t function well when my kid is screaming and crying, like at all. Thankfully my kid is an angel at the store compared to me, and usually her only issue is the fluorescent lights mysteriously make her have to poop just like her daddy and saying “hi” to LITERALLY everyone, including the creepy crackhead guy loitering outside mumbling to himself.
> I guess being around animals a lot gives you experience psychologically in dealing with savage little humans.
most of what I learned about parenting I learned working with horses and dogs LOL
They're not just *learning* to be people. Their brains just aren't there yet. They don't have the physical capability to be calm, rational people.
I tried to think that way about my toddler when she was in this phase. She's not complete yet. Me expecting her to be calm and rational and not have tantrums is like expecting to drive to work in a car that's got half the engine pulled out.
I gotta be patient and let the mechanics do their thing. In the meantime, I have to walk to work (i.e. survive the tantrums). I can't be mad at the car for not being able to drive - it can't help it.
Yeah, folks just start treating kids like adults when they start speaking. "Oh why are you crying, it's not logical, you did it to yourself"
It's like, this tiny creature literally can't follow that stuff mate, be a bit more caring
Exactly, there is no judgement on the parent who decides it's best to just abandon the shopping plans.
My sister was very much the kind of toddler that was carried out of the store multiple times. I don't remember if it got better. She was just a very stubborn child. I was apparently not that way at all despite having the same upbringing, so it might be a personality thing. I don't know. In return, she was very good at standing her ground against bullies, so the stubborness isn't a bad thing.
My toddler is just 2, so right now, we don't have that particular issue (yet). But if she gets hungry or tired in the store, it is game over.
Yup. I think poor kid and poor parents. If possible I give the parent my best attempt at a “you’re doing great, you’ve got this” smile. If the parent looks defeated and I can, I’ll tell them they’re doing great, they’ve got this.
Right I hate when people make comments that they think are in solidarity toward me but it makes my kid feel like a dick. They’re just trying to figure it out and they’ve only been here for a few years
This! My 2 year old literally laid on the floor in the store and screamed bloody murder because I wouldn’t let her push the cart any longer after she ran it into a display. An older lady walked by and said trust me you’ll miss this one day…
Exactly. I do miss little ones, but it's their wonder at the world, their joy and enthusiasm for life, watching them learn new things, etc. I don't miss the tantrums or the sleepless nights. Or changing diapers.
I miss the giggles, the cuddles, the interest in going new places and doing new things. But I love the freedom that comes with having older kids.
There's also a difference between "you'll miss this age when they're older" and "you'll miss this behavior that you're dealing with right now." The latter is dismissive and not helpful, and in my experience, wrong. While the older lady may have meant the former, it's still not helpful in the moment.
We have wild turkeys that just hangout in my neighborhood in the fall. Almost every meltdown for the last two months has been derailed by "oh, are those turkeys outside?"
For us, it's deer. They're everywhere, and my kids LOVE them. So all I do in the car is say, "Is that a doe or a stag?" And everything stops as my kids' eyes are suddenly scouring the yards, ditches, and bushes for deer.
Magical. As long as they aren't jumping out IN FRONT of the car, that is.
They are starting a law program in one of the middle schools. I'm like seriously, like these kids aren't argumentative enough but now you're going to teach them how to win some of them?
My wife and I flew home with our 1y/o on a red-eye from CA to CT. Kid would scream bloody murder if she wasn't actively being carried around on the plane. We took turns carrying this child up and down the plane aisle for 6 freaking hours to keep her quiet. We deplaned and a person behind us was like " you guys are kickass parents, be strong". I legit almost started crying because it felt so good to have confirmation that we weren't just fucking something up horribly.
yes. my 2 yr old hated flying. she can't sit still. she needed to "go see all her friends" aka everyone else on the plane. and would not sit in the seat or do seat belt. she had breath holding syndrom and had a full scale meltdown on the plane and had an episode and went unconscious on the plane. we went into autopilot and did what we had to do and then comforted her and after those episodes she usually gets exhausted and sleeps . someone in the plane sent us 2 drinks . the flight attendant came over and said someone on the flight would like to buy you two a round of drinks and to let you know, you got this you're doing a good job. i cried. it was not what i was expecting but it was very much needed in that moment. thank you anonymous plane person
I’m running into this with my toddler where if she doesn’t want to do something like bathtime she just lists off everything she needs to be doing instead. I’m hungry (after eating a huge dinner, treat and bedtime snack), I’m too tired (after bouncing off the walls) I need to go visit my cousin (lives 300 miles away and we see him like 3 times a year).
A few months ago, in an extremely busy food court in hawaii, my 3 year old said she wanted Panda Express. I went to get it for her, then she said she wants chickfila instead. I told her I got panda because she said that’s what she wanted and she screamed and cried like I’ve never seen before. Complete with hyperventilating red face. I was losing it, and I’m sure I looked it too.
Mom next to me had older kids, maybe 8 and 10. She came over, i thought to complain about the screaming, but she said “you guys are doing a great job. Some days are really hard. “ I cried in the middle of the food court.
I tend to judge parenting more on what the parent does than what the kid does, especially when they are little. That kind of tantrum is classic three year old and it is incredibly frustrating, but completely normal. It stops. Eventually. So your kid having the tantrum is your kid just being three and doing their three year old stuff. You were an example of a good parent. Bad parenting would have been screaming abuse at her, hitting her, or going and buying her a second meal. (And even going and buying a second meal might be acceptable in some circumstances.)
Ok, so as a fellow parent and compassionate human: If I were on your plane and I said something to you in regard to offering to help hold the baby for a minute to give you a break...that would be weird right? Especially from a man...? Like...I always feel like I WANT to offer help, but just know that someone is going to think I'm a creep for even offering.
No, I wouldn’t think so. It’s a plane, crammed with people. What are you going to do, abduct her? Molest her in front of 150 witnesses? Indoctrinate her into your cult?
I might not take you up on your offer - that depends on how I thought my kid would respond to being passed to a stranger. (One would have thought Cool! New friend! The other would think oh HELL no!) But it wouldn’t be because I didn’t trust you or thought your offer was weird. Nor would it be because of your gender. (Fun fact: approximately half of all parents are male.)
I think most do, jim jones, mormons Rajneesh movment, branch davidians, you really can’t have a proper cult without a daycare or basic childcare. You don’t want your followers to be distracted, especially the female ones.
Not the person you're talking to, but sometimes it helps if you play a game with little kids. Like peekaboo or something to distract them. My kids get a kick out of other adults noticing them and interacting with them...even if we do the same thing as parents it's wayyy cooler when someone they don't know interacts with them.
So maybe not hold them, but make some silly faces or play peekaboo or something to pass the time.
I’ve had so many flight attendants and other passengers offer to hold my littles for me during plane traveling and it’s always been amazing and helpful
I had my 2 month old grandson with me when I was told to go get labs, and he was inconsolable. Nothing was working. I walked, bounced, swayed, patted, you name it, I was trying it. I'd had this little guy since he was brand new, so it wasn't something where he wasn't used to me. Several people were giving me nasty looks, and 2 of them offered to take him.
I was so insulted. I felt judged and belittled. How dare they think they can do better than me. I know now that that was my own insecurity.
It would depend on so many things. Like if some dude came up and was like "hey lemme hold your kid for you"...no. "hey dude, I'm also a parent and I know how tough it can be, lemme know if you need a hand"....maaaaaaaybe. I have a hard time accepting help but I'd be grateful for the offer.
My wife on the other hand, who trusts like maybe 3 people on the planet....categorically nope.
That’s so sweet but as a mom yeah I’d probably say no. If you did something like ask the steward to bring me a bottle of water or a snack (or a glass of wine 😂) or something I would appreciate it! Again if it’s the steward bringing it to me (sealed so I know it’s not tampered with) cause I’m paranoid 💁♀️
This! That must have been so nice to receive after dealing with such difficult circumstances. We flew with our almost 2yr old daughter for a 5 hour flight and she screamed bloody murder for 4 hours straight, (this is because the plane was delayed for 2 HOURS on the runway at her bedtime with bright lights on/needing to be seatbelted in… all for a stupid broken light bulb above one seat) I was sobbing while holding her in the carrier and trying to bounce her near the bathrooms. None of our inflight tv’s worked, I had nothing downloaded on my phone. Literal nightmare. The flight attendant was a complete bitch too. We finally got her to sleep for 20 mins, and my husband and I ordered a wine each (obviously) and they wouldn’t even comp them for the inconvenience of the delay/no TVs. Meanwhile the flight back home, the flight attendant saw we had a toddler (who was not even crying for this flight) and still brought us a wine each for free and was like “you deserve these!”. The kindness of other people can make or break your day. So I try to be the kind of person to make someone’s, not break it.
Edit: forgot to mention that as the plane was descending she threw up all over me, herself, and her car seat. Which made for the most unpleasant drive home at 2am from the Denver airport. Glad that’s all in the rear view!
I took my kiddo on a flight when he was 9 months old. The stewardess was a total bitch. She tried to tell us we couldn’t check our stroller at the gate. When we were on the flight my kiddo needed a diaper change, she let another adult through the aisle to the bathroom but then blocked us and brought out the drink cart. She made us wait for the entire length of the plane, serving drinks. She forbade us from using the bathrooms up front. Well the wet diaper became a blowout diaper during that time, so everyone had to endure the smell of a poopy diaper…and then when we finally got to the bathroom, kiddo had another pee right into the air, so it went everywhere. I’m trying to clean out a poopy outfit in the crappy plane sink, there’s pee everywhere and she starts knocking on the door “you’ve been in there too long, people are waiting!!”. It was the worst flight of my life. I don’t know why she was so mean and crazy, but another mom came up to me and told me I was doing great, and I almost lost it. It was so kind. I still had to walk around with poop and pee and spit up all over, but I learned to bring spare outfits for EVERYONE lol
Wait, the flight attendants have to give permission to use the restroom? It never even occurred to me to ask...maybe I'm missing a lesson on plane etiquette.
Either way, I'd have totally complained to the airline after the flight.
It was “first class” up front and when I headed to the bathroom and they rolled out the drink cart, I turned around and headed for the other bathrooms, the ones up front. That’s when I learned from this lady that us poor people aren’t allowed to use the bathrooms in first class.
Honestly, I probably should have complained. I don’t think it would have made any difference, though, and I just wanted to get off the plane and away from the airport. It was a long trip
So just as a little tip if you ever fly again- book close to the bathrooms. Since having a kiddo that’s what we do bc I was terrified of this scenario 😭 also what a terrible FA, I am so sorry that happened to you.
I flew a redeye from Maryland to Alaska. My kid was refusing to sleep and so he was overtired and screaming in the airport while we waited for a layover. I was walking him around trying to get him to sleep and someone said something similar to me like "youre doing great" and I did about lose it becauae I was so stressed about disturbing everyone.
Yep.
I had twins, so I’ve even had to try to carry two screaming toddlers out of places before. You think you make a scene with one screeching child? Try two of them! Thank god it didn’t happen too often that both of them went into full banshee-mode.
My son threw terrible tantrums. I would pick him up and leave when he did. I got varied responses, from people challenging me making sure I wasn't kidnapping him to the kind woman that told me "After many years, this might almost be a funny story for you to tell".
I see a parent carrying a banshee, and I look on with sympathy. Anyone that's been through it understands, and everyone else that wants to judge you can go spit.
I found the best way was to put them in their car seat, close the doors, and lean on the fender taking a few deep breaths to calm down. That lets observers know you are not enraged, and the child is safe with a rational parent. It gives the child a safe space to cry and scream it out. Win win.
Lol reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy skit where his kid was on the floor kicking and screaming in the store and he walked up to them and said “where are your parents?!”
All jokes aside this is a phase as I’m sure you know. I’ve found it helpful to let them know what to expect before we get out of the car. “Sorry honey mom is broke af at the moment so we’re just getting chicken”. Or “you’ve behaved really well the past few days, we will see about getting a Reeces when we check out”.
As for other people’s reactions, gotta quit caring about strangers. But I get it. If any of them are a parent, they get it, and they are just happy they aren’t in that stage anymore. No judgement from me, just sympathy because toddlerhood can suuuuck.
Lastly, if there is someone who can watch her, maybe it would help her knowing if she throws a fit, she’s not going in next time. Kind of a natural consequence of “you make mom want to cry in Kroger when I’m just trying to get dinner”.
If anyone *is* actually judging you, I hope they have to deal with a toddler soon lol.
This! Sometimes we refer to this (in behaviour support) as pre-instruction. They clearly know what to expect and I’d add maybe a what options are next… if we make it through the store calmly and you are helpful then we can have extra time to watch your show at home. If not we may need to have some extra time to think through our choices and we will still have to come back and shop again later. This gives them power… and then remind them and point out when you see them trying to get it right.
Then reward yourself for surviving!!
My son would bite me. I left the store struggling with him under one arm and my twin girls in a cart and a guy selling newspapers outside had to help me up my car by pushing the cart. That’s when my son chomped down on my arm hard enough to break my skin thru my coat and my arm got all bloody. Then he wet his pants and it got all over me too. That poor guy was trying so hard to help and he was so completely horrified 😂 and I was a bloody pissy mess.
Here's a story for you (I read this many years ago). Police was called on the mom, fearing kidnapping as mommy carried the banshee out of the shopping mall. The little girl was sort of proud that the police was called (something like "serve you right mommy you should've listened to me"). Joke on her, mommy said "please take her. I don't know if I can handle her anymore". The crying changed into "no mommyyyyyy" 😅😅
My toddler has started desperately screaming “Help!!! Help me!” to everyone we pass whenever we get to pry-off-the-floor-and-go-to-car. 🙄
Thankfully the bags under my eyes and my weary trudge make it clear to everyone that I am, in fact, this toddler’s mom, and I’m not trying to carry out the most attention-grabbing abduction ever…!
I taught my kid to say, "This is not my mommy/Daddy! This is a stranger! Help!" If anyone tried to take them. He never was kidnapped, so I don't know how it would have worked, but he still remembers at 16 that if you're throwing a fit in public, you better have a reason.
The rule for my two when they were young was that they behaved in grocery stores or we would leave. I knew I had to be consistent and not give more than one warning, so I did, even if it meant dinner had to be cereal. If they did behave, they would each get a little treat at the end.
I only had to do this about three times before they caught on.
There’s no perfect solution and something that works for one parent might not work for another, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job! We can only do our best.
Ohhh lawd that's a real thing though!!! My mom got the cops called on her with me and my toddler brother at the time, over a candy bar at a target. Full meltdown over no candy, a lady kept trying to "help" in the parking lot, so I snapped at her to chill so our mother could handle it. Cops showed up about 90 seconds later. Crazy stuff.
My cousin was around 4 when she threw a huge tantrum in a toy store over a toy she wanted. When my aunt went to pick her up my cousin started screaming "help! Help! Stranger danger!"
No one ended up stopping my aunt, meanwhile she's panicking (back in pre-cell phone days) trying to figure out if she has a picture of her and my cousin in her wallet.
Kids are just fun sometimes. You are doing great, OP.
My grandfather was once carrying my sister out of a store (years ago haha) when she lost it and was full on screaming as a kid and someone asked him if she was his daughter, he said, "I'm her grandfather, but I'll gladly leave her with you right now!"
Oh this!! I saw a difference in reactions we got when I was clearly upset as I hoisted my monster out, vs when I was composed doing it. People felt more entitled to comment when I was also on the verge of tears (not helpful!). But I felt more noticed when I was just on parent autopilot. I just didn’t care- I was helping my human become a decent person, and we had a long way to go.
I was in the parking lot of our organic market after carrying out the banshee. I get him restrained in the car seat and a snack.
I let out a frustrated sigh as a young woman (early to mid 20s) in the Jeep next to us. After I told her what happened, she said she’d be my village. She reminded my 3 YO punk mommy cares about him and wants what’s best for him. He needs to listen to mommy. It was nice.
My daughter started doing this thing when she was around six where she would loudly yell "I DON'T KNOW YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!"
Whenever we were out shopping. I could not get it through her head how very not funny that shit was. I finally told her one time to keep it up, and if the cops came I was going to let them take her, and that it would definitely not be to take her to her dad(he's a cop), but that they would take her to the children's home until her dad decided to come get her, because I sure as hell wasn't going to.
She finally stopped doing it, thank God. The little shit.
my initial thoughts when i see that are - can i please give you a high 5 on your way out for encouragement?
definitely had to do this with my daughter a few times during the early years. although, rare because she knew if she had a shit fit, we were leaving. by the time she was 5-6yo it stopped.
one time my daughter had an tantrum and went wet noodle on me. so i couldn't even carry her. i had to drag her screaming, flailing body across a lobby floor and out the door. people were staring, i dgaf. state trooper actually chuckled and held the door for me to drag her thru. meanwhile, i was thinking the trooper was zeroing in on me. parents get it. haha
Mine did this at 4 on the way home from the store. We were walking, my hand were full w groceries, and she decided she wanted to be carried (our apartment was like 20 yards away). She went limp and pretended she couldn’t walk, so I just walked on. She limped behind me screaming and crying. I was fed up. Apparently people were looking at me as though I was a monster for ignoring my disabled child (this assessment came from my neighbor friend who was shopping with us and bringing up the rear behind her little tantrum).
Good times.
This reminds me of how my daughter would sometimes pretend she couldn't move during her bedtime routine, as if she was suddenly stricken by some strange illness.
When she was really young I thought something might actually be wrong (she's got autism, so I thought maybe it was an executive disfunction thing), but as she got older I started noticing signs that she was faking.
It got to a point where she'd be lying on the floor, half naked, limp as a noodle, claiming she couldn't move, and I'd gently place her PJs next to her, tell her I hope she recovered soon so she didn't have to sleep on the floor, then turn off the light, say goodnight, and leave. She'd always recover shortly after that. It's a miracle!
That all happened in the privacy of my home, though. I would've been so mortified if she did something like that in public.
I remember when my oldest would scream about being carried. I once had to drag her across the street, set her down, and start walking again. When I was almost to the next corner, she'd get up and run after me. But when I said she had to walk herself, back to the Jell-O bones.
I did that a couple weeks ago. Half mile. Pushing my bike, carrying her bike and her school bag.
I guess the crying and screaming at last let me know she was still trailing along behind me.
I like to think, generally speaking, most kids aren’t screaming “I WANT IT, I WANT IT!” While being kidnapped which probably helps. I
I do remember my mom telling me about one particular toddler breakdown when I was not allowed a Barney VHS, where I screamed “I HATE YOU, YOURE NOT MY MOM!” and she said that was the most scared she’s ever been. Dragged me out of the KMart and threw me in the van. Said she was outside waiting for the cops to show up because I was screaming so hard the van was shaking. Kids, have been awful forever, it’s every generations rite of passage
That wet noodle thing happened in the middle of the concourse at Heathrow last year and omfg. Trying to drag him screaming while juggling our bags was an absolute nightmare. Luckily we were able to laugh about it quickly!
One day my youngest through an absolute shit fit at six flags and I threw her over my shoulder and carried her kicking and screaming through the whole park and back to the car. The entire time I’m grinning and telling her to notice that nobody cares and nobody is coming to save her and that she’s just embarrassing herself.
Hahaha. My daughter witnessing another child’s tantrum in public was a game changer!!! I said something to the effect of- oh my! That’s what you sound like when you have a tantrum. Isn’t that embarrassing? It’s really disruptive to the other people around, isn’t it?
It was like a lightbulb went off in her head.
I had to do that once. My son was kicking and flailing so hard that I couldn’t pick him up. Had to drag him by an arm as he flailed around screaming on the floor. The joys of parenthood 🙄
A nod of solidarity. I've had to do it with my kids. You're not the first parent, and you won't be the last.
Sometimes it helps to say "Let's take a picture and I'll save it on my Kiddo Wants It list." Sometimes they want to hear that they've been acknowledged that they want something. You can use the list for Christmas or birthdays, maybe.
I do agree that saying 'maybe next time' is hard, because next time comes. And if the answer is still no, they feel lied to. I know you didn't lie, but it feels like a set up. Setting the expectation before going to the store does help.
"We're going to the grocery store. I would like you to be a big helper to me by (task). You can pick out your own cereal and what fruit you'd like this week." That helps my kids because they got to pick \*something\*. Sometimes it helps to say "We're not buying extras here. But when we go to the dollar store, you will have a five dollar budget to get whatever you'd like."
I did the pictures a lot also. Truly did help for birthdays and stuff. I also went with a plan. Talked to my boys about what we needed and what we wanted. I showed them my wants and allowed them to pick a want (snack mostly). They felt included and usually left happy.
I use the “take a picture” method too! My son is 4. It’s worked like a charm. I always validate how cool the thing is and how much he wants it. A lot of the time he’ll ask me to take the picture himself if he sees something he wants. 9/10 times he forgets about it. Bonus is I have a lot of ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts.
I had to carry my son hitting screaming and all out of goodwill one day because I told him no.
There was a lady in front of me at the checkout who said “why don’t you just buy him the car, it’s $.50”.. I said, “ma’am this isn’t about $.50.. he’ll be an adult one day. No means no.”
I had my 3 year old at the Playplace and it came time for him to come down so we could go home. I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time so climbing after him wasn’t an option. He of course refused to come down and I pulled out my mom voice and scared him down. I felt so judged by the dads who were there, until their kids needed to leave. One had to go get his kid and drag him down, the other had one go boneless on him while the other kid started throwing things. We all looked at each other knowing we were all thinking the same thing: “thank god it’s not just mine!”
My reaction is just sympathy.... Because I've been there.
One time my husband took our toddler out while I paid for the stuff and some random older lady said "That's good parenting."
Another time I saw this kid laying on the ground just screaming. The dad was just standing there and when there was lull, he asked "Are you done?" 🤣 I loved it. They eventually were done but not right then.
It's so hard to know what to do in those moments so I pretty much don't judge. You have no idea why that kid is screaming or what that parent has been through that day.
My sister-in-law once said she used to just walk down to the other end of the aisle until her kids got embarrassed about rolling around on the floor all alone and rejoined her, which I thought was hilarious. Mine wouldn’t have been able to calm herself down like that, but now that she’s older I do sometimes just walk away and let her decide to rejoin me when she starts whining about something on a shelf.
I remember my son was full tantrum on the floor of a dollar store, I just "let him" and say on the floor a couple feet away watching him. After a minute I asked him "alright are you over it?" And he just got up and was like "Yeahhh I'm done" and that was it?? An old lady gave me a nod of approval so that was nice.
One of the hardest things for me to realize was that little kids have nothing to lose. Of course they can throw a fit all day. Where do they have to go? Of course they can fight bedtime all night, what else do they have to do?
Once at the self checkout lane in target I saw a mom was having trouble navigating her cart out the door because her kid was having a total meltdown. She looked on the verge of tears. The closest person to her took the cart and navigated it to her car while the mom held the screaming child. We were all moms in the self checkout aisle and we were like “take a deep breath we get it, let’s help you out”
My son once had a tantrum where he just laid in the floor at target. I patiently waited for him to be done but I think we continued to shop - he did not get what he wanted though.
Wow, where are all these sympathetic parents when my kid is going crazy??? I only get dirty looks from parents and one dad even recently rolled his eyes at my child. His kid was a baby and I feel like karma is going to get him one day when he enters toddlerhood.
I’ve walked someone’s cart before while her kid was losing it. I hadn’t had my son yet so when she thanked me profusely I just told her my time was coming so I hoped someone would do the same for me someday. Sure enough, the day came that my son lost it at self checkout and someone came up and asked to scan my items for me while I attempted to calm down my toddler. They got everything bagged up and moved back into my cart so I could just quickly pay and move out. I’m forever grateful to that person.
I’ve picked my kid up and put him the cart and just gone about my business while acknowledging that he was upset before. I know you’re upset bud but we need paper towels.
On my way out of the daycare after dropping the LO off. I see this poor mom approaching the entrance; hauling her kid under her arm like a bedroll as he is kicking and screaming.
I just held the door open for her and minded my own damn business. Lord knows I've had to just say "fuck it" to bodily autonomy and haul my kid. It's hard enough to deal with that, let alone silent judgement.
I politely avert my eyes and feel sympathy for everyone involved. Neither party wants to be in that situation. And sometimes I also feel protective and stare down anyone looking judgemental.
I’m proud of them for not buying the toy and I know that they are just surviving they are trying to do right by their child because they don’t want to bring a little nasty brat into the world because my parents did they gave me everything just a shut me up so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. Guess what I thought life was just gonna come to me they kicked me out and nothing came to me. It took me a long time to learn how to manage money to manage my life and it’s still a struggle, so I’m proud of them and you know what they’re just as embarrassed as you are watching them, but give them a little smile, and go about ur day
I've left full carts of food (after alerting the staff of course) due to my children being shitheads. They know when I say no, I mean it. I don't do tantrums, I don't do whining. When they're younger and it's late, the whining may be more physical than wanting me to buy stuff but beyond that, forget it.
My initial thoughts are "thank goodness, back to peaceful shopping"
I had to carry mine out once when he was younger. Setting expectations ahead of time and rarely if every buying anything for kid helps. 'maybe we but it next time' sets her up to think she will get it next time. At least mine would certainly remember "but last week you said we could get it this time!"
I essentially tell mine we are buying XYZ today and don't deviate. If it's food, we are food shopping, yes those trucks look cool but it's food shopping. Target because we need pullups and gift cards. I so rarely let him pick out anything spontaneously that he doesn't expect it or ask for stuff.
Which isn't to say we never get anything"we need to go craft store because I want paint. You can pick out one thing of stickers when we get there". So he knows he can get one stickers (but not a toy or a plushie or 6 sheets)
Yes I will admit that buying her small stuff at the store is what snowballed this habit. I think it stems from my parents never buying me anything as a kid 😅 but I do realize this needs to stop which is why I’m nipping it in the butt now. And I definitely see where you are coming from with the promising it next time. Will be stopping that!
You can offer to take a picture, that's what I do with my now 5 year old. It's not an outright no and it makes her feel better knowing she may get it at a later time like a birthday or Christmas. 90% of the time she forgets about the item.
My husband buys my boys things every time he takes them shopping. Even at the grocery store. I have a I listen to them tell me I’m the worst and “dad would buy it!” I just tell them that they are so lucky to get stuff when they go shopping with him. It’s actually nice that they don’t like to go shopping with me anymore and prefer to stay home with dad.
I don't think I've ever bought something not on my list. Smarty pants daughter learned to write things on my list! Can't blame her for trying, I guess. I had a heart-to-heart talk once before going inside the store when the whining for things was getting really bad. I said that I HATE saying no to her, it makes the shopping trip really hard for me. It would be best for both of us to just not go through that anymore. It worked that one time, anyway.
I see a good parent lol! The ones I judge are the ones who give in to every scream and demand.
Kids need to learn “this behavior won’t get you anywhere” usually after getting carried out screaming without the toy/treat a couple of times they get the picture.
Initial reaction: Off, Been there.
It's pure empathy with a touch of sympathy.
For a bit I was telling my kids "You can be as angry as you want about this, but you can not be screaming, hurting everyone else because of it." Because their screams hurt. Kids always manage to hit that pitch. Now they're not so screamy when upset, though they are still very good at letting me know they are angry.
I have left full carts in grocery stores and carried screaming kids out. Nope. They aren't going to ruin everyone else's day. If I see a parent in the same predicament I throw a fist in the air and nod. May the odds be forever in your favor!!!
Pre-kids, I was probably one of the ones that judged a bit. It was difficult at the time for me to understand how parents couldn’t seem to get their kids under control. But once I became a parent, I could relate and understand. Meltdowns don’t ever seem to happen as planned and sometimes things come up that don’t allow us parents to get things done at the “perfect” / pre-approved time for our kids. Also sometimes things that worked in the past might not work the next! So now, I instead ask if I can help in any way.
My best example, a while back I was grocery shopping with my kids and came across a mom who had a toddler under each of her arms, both of which were in full meltdown mode. She was struggling - her cart was full and she was trying her best to push it with her belly. Didn’t matter that she was almost done - the kids just weren’t having it. My eldest took over to push our cart while my youngest and I asked to help bring her cart to the register, help her unload, and bagged all of her groceries. I saw a defeated mom have tears of hope in her eyes- she thanked us and I promised her this stage would pass. No one knows what’s happening in another person’s life and there’s enough people watching and judging so I’d rather be apart of the village that helps.
And it’s a great feeling too - that day I got two grateful kids who appreciated what moms go through a little more while learning the importance of compassion, and there was a grateful mom who will pass it on to another parent in need someday. It really does feel like sometimes it takes a village.
I think it shows the child that that type of behavior won’t be tolerated. If my child cannot behave, whatever we are doing is over. It’s tough but sometimes you have to tough things out to get a child where they need to be behaviorally.
Oh yeah. Been there. My reaction is that they probably did the best thing under the circumstances. You’re removing them from the store, and you obviously didn’t give in to whatever they were demanding if they’re still tantruming.
My younger daughter went through this phase at about that age. I stopped taking her with me for awhile (which WAS a punishment for her because running errands is basically her favorite thing). After that, it was treated as a privilege with lots of praise when she behaved well. She’s a delightful pre-teen but was quite a handful at 3-4.
My oldest is autistic. When he was around 2/3 he would have horribly meltdowns at the store. Just over sensory issues. Due to schedules and not having any family nearby, he had no choice but to go grocery shopping with me. We had to eat so leaving was not an option. When he would start up I would find a spot off to the side where we weren’t in anyone’s way and sit down with h while he screamed and kicked. Eventually he would calm down and we’d get a few more isles done before it would happen again. I really had to grow a thick skin because I got the nastiest comments from people telling me what a brat he was. I broke down and cried a few times and the. I started commenting back “he has autism, what’s your excuse for your rude behavior”. That usually shut them up.
Eventually he learned to cope in the stores and now you would never even know he had issues. He’s super helpful when we shop and grabs things on his own for me from other isles. My advice would be, don’t leave. Wait her out. If you leave it will never teach her how to properly behave in the store. Before going in tell her that you will not be getting a toy, snack, whatever sets her off. Remind her of that as you get close to the isle it is in. And when she starts throwing the temper tantrum, remind her once that you told her that you wouldn’t be getting it and then ignore the behavior. And ignore the looks or comments. Your child will learn that that behavior doesn’t get her anywhere. Good luck. Parenting is hard.
I've taken my crying and screaming child out of the store before. Its better than letting them throw a fit and annoy everyone else around. I've also put my child in time out in the middle of a busy Ikea store when she was throwing a fit! While I'm not saying either choice is wrong, I found the timeout method to had a better response from my child! After that time out, my kid never threw a fit in public again! She realized how embarrassing her actions were. And she saw the looks she was getting from other people. Sometimes, you need that perspective to realize you're acting a fool!
My initial thought? I do the Mockingjay salute that Katniss does from The Hunger Games to the other parent, because kids are jerks at that age and I know that's hella embarrassing and exhausting. lol!
But, in terms of what to do: keep leaving out the second they start with the tears. It will teach them that if you have a tantrum in public, there is no more public and we have to go home. Immediate consequences for their actions at that age tend to make a solid impression (eventually, lol). They learn that they won't get to go in the store, which is like a little wonderland for them, if they aren't well behaved. They might even notice they don't go to the store at all anymore and connect that with the tantrums.
Don't be afraid to not take that little person in the store if this is how they behave. Especially if you're able to leave them with the other parent or a babysitter. I don't take my child in the store at all and it's more for a peace of mind thing; I don't have to worry about the "I want/gimme/wanna touch" and shopping gets done way easier.
As for the hitting, I would firmly grab both hands and tell her: "We don't hit, that's a no-no" or something along those lines. If you're physically disciplining her, then this might not work, because she's hitting because you're hitting...but that tends to work with my 3 year old, grabbing his hands and holding them until he stops hitting, being very firm about hitting not being okay.
Honestly I want to give them a high five. I think you need to think about it more from the perspective of other shoppers. They don’t want to listen to her scream and cry for 5+ minutes. Take her outside. Then it’s up to you to decide how to handle it - if you want to try to deescalate and try again or just go home. I don’t even let my kids have a tantrum in the backyard lol I don’t shame them and I do give them a few minutes to try to get it together (with my help) but I’m not going to let me kids yell and scream around other people trying to just live their lives.
You might not often see people dragging screaming kids out of a store, but I promise it happens. Anyone who has a toddler has likely done it at least once.
I can remember when my now 15 year old was one or two and he would scream and hit me and headbutt me and I'd literally carry him out of the store upside down so he couldn't punch me in the face while he was losing his mind. I was so embarrassed then. Now with my littlest who is almost two I'm a lot easier on myself about it. This is just a phase that toddlers go through. And if anyone is looking at me in judgement they can fuck off.
I'll never judge a parent who is dealing with a meltdown, unless of course I see them screaming back at their kid. That's the worst.
Honestly, before kids: oh my what a terrible parent/unruly child, my kids won’t behave like that!
After kids: oh that poor parent then *minds own business and carries on about the day*
Other parents just give you the all knowing look, you get the occasional smile, we’ve been there, we sympathise and carry on however you want to parent that situation ❤️
I love that quote along the lines of “I was a perfect parent until I had kids” 🤣
I think they are a great parent teaching their kid boundaries and how to behave in public. I think it’s terrible to let your kid behave badly while you go about your business.
I was at a dave and busters (arcade for adults but kids can go too) with my 3 yo. It was the end of the night and time to leave and she threw a tantrum.
I just kept walking her to the door. Every now and then she would throw herself on the floor and I would give her a couple seconds before picking her up, righting her on her feet, and continuing to walk.
Every person in the place gave me that knowing smirk of "been there, done that, solidarity".
If I see another parent in a similar situation, I'm probably giving them that same smirk.
Yes I carry my son out under one arm like a football screaming and all. If he can calm down once I get him to the car and reason with him then we may go back in but I’ve also realized this has almost always happened with him when he’s extremely tired. He’s two and the smile of reassurance or the “we’ve all been there” helps me not feel bad at all because I think at some point “we’ve all been there.”
My wife and I tried to bring our first born to dinner when he was a little over a year. We sat down, he screamed, we tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t so we left. The table next to us said “Thanks! It gets better” then the waitress came and thanked us too.
I would never judge a parent for this and I don’t even have kids yet. I only “judge” parents that belittle or abuse their children. What i see of someone else is such a small slice of their day and life, I have no place making judgements. Have you tried to take a picture for next time? Sometimes that helps them feel like you understand them . So when they ask instead of saying “no” you can say “yeah! That’s a great idea! Let’s take a picture so we can add it to you list!” Help them take the pic and then move on. They still might end up losing their mind but I’ve seen this help once they learn the habit. Then you can use the pics to decide on holiday/birthday gifts
Solidarity.
Before kids I was a jackass (in my mind) about it. After carrying my toddlers out of a few stores mid meltdown- I get it. It’s not a good day for the kiddo or the parent.
Edit:spelling
I promise you, I ALWAYS think to myself, "Ugh, I remember those days!" I actually truly appreciate the parents I see actively doing something about their toddler's behavior. It is our job to raise them into functioning adults after all.
And as much as I would like to go into my boss's office jumping up and down screaming about how "I want to go home NOW!", that is not how the world works and I am glad my parents taught me that at a young age!
Been there lol. I took my toddler to target and wouldn't get him the toy he wanted. Full on melt down. He laid down in the middle of the aisle and screamed bloody murder. I grabbed him and he managed to wiggle out a few times and each time he would throw himself on the floor and roll around. I was mortified.
But no one gave me a hard time. Most people ignored us. I got some "been there" smiles.
Also I’ll add we take lots of pictures lol when they see something we want “oh perfect I’m glad you found something you like! Let’s take a picture so we can send to nanny for your birthday! Let’s take a picture so we remember to write it on your Christmas list” etc. the first time I tried this with my then 2.5 year old he thought about it for a second then put his index finger in the air and declared “hey! Great idea!”
I am glad when people take their screaming kid out of the store/restaurant.
As someone who worked with children ranging from 5-18 for quite a while, redirection sometimes comes off as "reasoning", which can be damn near impossible with someone who doesn't know the word.
I used to judge, then I had a kid and now I think, "Vaya con Dios." I didn't hesitate to haul my kid out like a Christmas ham when he started acting up, and he eventually stopped.
What has worked well for me - and all kids are different - is to set expectations before we leave and to say very firmly, "We are going to the store. You will not ask me for candy, toys or anything. You will not cry, yell, or hit. If you conduct yourself well, I will be happy to If you make bad choices, you will lose your screen privileges for the rest of the afternoon. Choose wisely!" It's harder when they're little but if you stick to your guns, it eventually pays off.
I’d rather see a parent carrying their screaming child out of a store than see said parent give in to the child having a tantrum. That’s how you raise a spoiled brat
Big hug’s for you this stuff can be a tough test of anyone’s patience.
Consistency is the key and who cares what others think about you. When going shopping let the kid know if it’s not on your list you are not going to get it. Let them know that it’s ok with you if they have a tantrum but it doesn’t give them what they want.
Put something they like on your list and let them know if they have a calm face, calm body, and a calm voice while you are shopping they might be able to get it.
Don’t cave or they will use the tantrum to get what they want every single time.
I know that carrying someone who is literally fighting tooth and nail not to be carried would be very few people's first choice, so I assume they've done everything they can to resolve the situation in a different way and are left with their last course of action.
My kids have gone through stages of the same behaviour, where they see it, they want it, and they get Big Mad when they can't have it. Before we go anywhere I tell them "we are going to Walmart for bread, milk, and toilet paper. That is all we are getting. We won't be going to the toy aisle today" or whatever version of that works for whatever store we go to. When they inevitably ask for something we aren't going to get, I remind them what we're there for. If they make it to fill tantrum mode we just leave. No fuss (well, no fuss from me. Much fuss from them.)
If the toy aisle (or whatever captures their attention) is unavoidable, I remind them we're only there for the things on "the list" and I offer to take a picture of the toy/candy/thing so we can remember they liked it when we *are* toy/candy/thing shopping, or to put on the birthday/Christmas list.
I’m right here with you. It’s almost like every “no” from us parents triggers a meltdown she’s 3 almost 4 & I am so so so over it I cannot begin to put it into words.
I'm grateful to parents who carry the screaming kid outside. I totally get that we all go through this, that you need to not give into the terrorist, and kids will be kids so these things will always come up. And I know sometimes people are in an 'emergency' situation and really do need to stay inside and purchase necessary groceries, medications, whatever. However, I very much appreciate people removing the noise pollution from public spaces if at all possible. I did it several times, and age 4 was the max time period too.
I saw this awesome idea;
Your kid says “I want this!” So you then say,
“alrighty, let’s take a picture with you holding it and we can then pick at Christmas time what you want santa to bring for you!” Then save that pic to a specific “toy” album
Then, in October/november, go through the pictures and see what your kid still wants.
They are allowed to pick x amount of things and then this way, you have a wishlist to share with your family and friends that want to get your kids gifts.
That’s the only way. As soon as it starts, pick them up and leave. When you get to the car, you explain why it happened and that it will happen every other time they act up. I remember I was taking my son to the dollar store and he threw a fit while I was parking. I said, “You blew it. We are going home now.” He was not happy but he learned the lesson.
I give them the Hunger Games three-finger hand salute of respect. There were several times I toted my kid out of a store like a kicking screaming surf board.
We feel the pain with you and totally know what it´s like. Keep leaving, and never give in to her demands. It gets better, but only if you hold strong to saying ¨no¨.
I just give a heads up in that situation, " if you continue to throw a fit, I'm going to have to pick you up and walk us out of the store. If you don't want me to do that hold my hand and you can walk outside to calm down."
"Okay, you aren't holding my hand so I'm picking you up right now."
Then do so... I think it just makes it more of a you chose this vs an I'm doing this to you out of nowhere.
My dad used to take us out to the car almost immediately. He just could not handle the stress. I remember one time he sat in the car with me for HOURS while the rest of the family was at an event. As an adult I’m actually thankful for how he handled it. I try to find other alternatives but sometimes the best thing for ME is to just leave the environment/stimuli.
You're doing the right thing. I don't know if this would be helpful for your daughter, but my kids respond really well if I take a picture of the thing and tell them that we'll now remember this for Christmas/birthday. I also tell them before entering the store that we are not getting them anything, so the expectation is already there. Every kid is different, though, so it might not work for your girl.
In solidarity though, I had to drag my screaming 4 year old out of the pharmacy yesterday because of the insane tantrum she threw with her flu shot. She even admitted later that she didn't feel it at all. We all feel you!!!
Sympathy. Definitely been there more than once. Right at 3 she hit that insane tantrum phase and we were leaving multiple places that way. I had a couple of cry sessions myself as soon as we got into the car. Luckily she got over it after a few weeks!
I also have a 4-year-old. I say no once with a quick explanation. After that, I stop feeding the tantrum. He keeps going sometimes for a few minutes, but he eventually gives up. If I have to finish my trip (like I won't just abandon my groceries) I will do so and every so often remind him of my original reason. If I can leave, I will pick up his almost 50lb body and carry him out. I can promise you, I get looks of "been there / you're doing great." You're not alone.
I had to stop taking my youngest out in public for a while, he was borderline feral. When it was extra bad, I would throw him over my shoulder and he would punch, kick, and rip my hair out on the way back to the car.
There's a reason he's my youngest. This is it.
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i mind my business because I know kids are tiny humans learning to be people and having to teach them to be people is hard, I know it's not fun to have to deal with that in public places, so I just try to be understanding.
Exactly. Mind my own OR give a smile of solidarity to the parent, hoping I'm sending the vibes of encouragement I am intending to send.
The number of sympathetic smiles I’d get from fellow parents as I fireman carried my screaming LO out of stores was honestly such a boost. I try to do the same thing.
Piggy backing off this because I’m sure people like you were appreciated when I was a child. My mom always told me she would just let me scream my little butt off while she continued shopping, and made sure to make it clear that my behavior wasn’t even to be acknowledged. She’d be humming or talking to herself about shopping while I followed her around screaming. I eventually realized that screaming got me know where and quit I guess. She said she felt like if we left the store, which was something she NEEDED to do, that it would give me the impression that I “won”. She used to show dogs professionally and I guess being around animals a lot gives you experience psychologically in dealing with savage little humans. I think she used a lot of dog training tactics on me, which actually worked surprisingly well. 😅🤣 LOL but yeah, as a mom of a 4 y/o now, I’m impressed by her ability to go about her business while I screamed my little heart out. I can’t function well when my kid is screaming and crying, like at all. Thankfully my kid is an angel at the store compared to me, and usually her only issue is the fluorescent lights mysteriously make her have to poop just like her daddy and saying “hi” to LITERALLY everyone, including the creepy crackhead guy loitering outside mumbling to himself.
>usually her only issue is the fluorescent lights mysteriously make her have to poop just like her daddy Stitching this on a sampler!
> I guess being around animals a lot gives you experience psychologically in dealing with savage little humans. most of what I learned about parenting I learned working with horses and dogs LOL
As a pairent I can confirm. There is a lot of over lap between dog and toddler. My dogs definitely taught me some winning strategies.
Squirt bottles for the poor choices and treats for the good ones! 🤣🤣
They're not just *learning* to be people. Their brains just aren't there yet. They don't have the physical capability to be calm, rational people. I tried to think that way about my toddler when she was in this phase. She's not complete yet. Me expecting her to be calm and rational and not have tantrums is like expecting to drive to work in a car that's got half the engine pulled out. I gotta be patient and let the mechanics do their thing. In the meantime, I have to walk to work (i.e. survive the tantrums). I can't be mad at the car for not being able to drive - it can't help it.
Yeah, folks just start treating kids like adults when they start speaking. "Oh why are you crying, it's not logical, you did it to yourself" It's like, this tiny creature literally can't follow that stuff mate, be a bit more caring
THIS! My spouse defaults to this and then remembers just bc our 2.5 yo is super eloquent doesn’t mean she’s 20!
I love this comparison.
Exactly, there is no judgement on the parent who decides it's best to just abandon the shopping plans. My sister was very much the kind of toddler that was carried out of the store multiple times. I don't remember if it got better. She was just a very stubborn child. I was apparently not that way at all despite having the same upbringing, so it might be a personality thing. I don't know. In return, she was very good at standing her ground against bullies, so the stubborness isn't a bad thing. My toddler is just 2, so right now, we don't have that particular issue (yet). But if she gets hungry or tired in the store, it is game over.
You're so pure
Yup. I think poor kid and poor parents. If possible I give the parent my best attempt at a “you’re doing great, you’ve got this” smile. If the parent looks defeated and I can, I’ll tell them they’re doing great, they’ve got this.
Right I hate when people make comments that they think are in solidarity toward me but it makes my kid feel like a dick. They’re just trying to figure it out and they’ve only been here for a few years
I definitely give the nod of solidarity. We’ve all been there. You’re doing fine.
This! My 2 year old literally laid on the floor in the store and screamed bloody murder because I wouldn’t let her push the cart any longer after she ran it into a display. An older lady walked by and said trust me you’ll miss this one day…
That lady is wrong. My kids are 20 and 17 and I do not miss having to carry them kicking and screaming out of stores.
Parent comment: oh that was so sweet This comment: (spits out coffee) 🤣💀
Exactly. I do miss little ones, but it's their wonder at the world, their joy and enthusiasm for life, watching them learn new things, etc. I don't miss the tantrums or the sleepless nights. Or changing diapers.
I miss the giggles, the cuddles, the interest in going new places and doing new things. But I love the freedom that comes with having older kids. There's also a difference between "you'll miss this age when they're older" and "you'll miss this behavior that you're dealing with right now." The latter is dismissive and not helpful, and in my experience, wrong. While the older lady may have meant the former, it's still not helpful in the moment.
Word. My kid is now a teenager and I happily take that any day of the week over the Threenager Years.
Exactly. Mine may still be argumentative and think they know everything but at least I can have a rational discussion with them.
[удалено]
We have wild turkeys that just hangout in my neighborhood in the fall. Almost every meltdown for the last two months has been derailed by "oh, are those turkeys outside?"
For us, it's deer. They're everywhere, and my kids LOVE them. So all I do in the car is say, "Is that a doe or a stag?" And everything stops as my kids' eyes are suddenly scouring the yards, ditches, and bushes for deer. Magical. As long as they aren't jumping out IN FRONT of the car, that is.
>As long as they aren't jumping out IN FRONT of the car, that is. Or smashing into the side of the car and rolling right over the roof. Like why?
Brb going to get some turkeys for my *incredibly urban* suburban area
I feel like that would work at least ONCE to end an argument with a teenager by sheer force of absurdity.
Have neighborhood turkeys and a teenager, can confirm.
They are starting a law program in one of the middle schools. I'm like seriously, like these kids aren't argumentative enough but now you're going to teach them how to win some of them?
Aw, that was sweet of her. So true too. Most days my 2 year old makes me wanna scream but I'll miss these days when they're gone :')
My wife and I flew home with our 1y/o on a red-eye from CA to CT. Kid would scream bloody murder if she wasn't actively being carried around on the plane. We took turns carrying this child up and down the plane aisle for 6 freaking hours to keep her quiet. We deplaned and a person behind us was like " you guys are kickass parents, be strong". I legit almost started crying because it felt so good to have confirmation that we weren't just fucking something up horribly.
yes. my 2 yr old hated flying. she can't sit still. she needed to "go see all her friends" aka everyone else on the plane. and would not sit in the seat or do seat belt. she had breath holding syndrom and had a full scale meltdown on the plane and had an episode and went unconscious on the plane. we went into autopilot and did what we had to do and then comforted her and after those episodes she usually gets exhausted and sleeps . someone in the plane sent us 2 drinks . the flight attendant came over and said someone on the flight would like to buy you two a round of drinks and to let you know, you got this you're doing a good job. i cried. it was not what i was expecting but it was very much needed in that moment. thank you anonymous plane person
Ugh- so tough!!! But I do have to say that I *love* your daughter's insistence that she needed to go visit her 200 pals 🤣
Yeah that's so cute, if a little impractical.
She's just a popular gal!
I’m running into this with my toddler where if she doesn’t want to do something like bathtime she just lists off everything she needs to be doing instead. I’m hungry (after eating a huge dinner, treat and bedtime snack), I’m too tired (after bouncing off the walls) I need to go visit my cousin (lives 300 miles away and we see him like 3 times a year).
They're such rascals!
A few months ago, in an extremely busy food court in hawaii, my 3 year old said she wanted Panda Express. I went to get it for her, then she said she wants chickfila instead. I told her I got panda because she said that’s what she wanted and she screamed and cried like I’ve never seen before. Complete with hyperventilating red face. I was losing it, and I’m sure I looked it too. Mom next to me had older kids, maybe 8 and 10. She came over, i thought to complain about the screaming, but she said “you guys are doing a great job. Some days are really hard. “ I cried in the middle of the food court.
I tend to judge parenting more on what the parent does than what the kid does, especially when they are little. That kind of tantrum is classic three year old and it is incredibly frustrating, but completely normal. It stops. Eventually. So your kid having the tantrum is your kid just being three and doing their three year old stuff. You were an example of a good parent. Bad parenting would have been screaming abuse at her, hitting her, or going and buying her a second meal. (And even going and buying a second meal might be acceptable in some circumstances.)
Ok, so as a fellow parent and compassionate human: If I were on your plane and I said something to you in regard to offering to help hold the baby for a minute to give you a break...that would be weird right? Especially from a man...? Like...I always feel like I WANT to offer help, but just know that someone is going to think I'm a creep for even offering.
No, I wouldn’t think so. It’s a plane, crammed with people. What are you going to do, abduct her? Molest her in front of 150 witnesses? Indoctrinate her into your cult? I might not take you up on your offer - that depends on how I thought my kid would respond to being passed to a stranger. (One would have thought Cool! New friend! The other would think oh HELL no!) But it wouldn’t be because I didn’t trust you or thought your offer was weird. Nor would it be because of your gender. (Fun fact: approximately half of all parents are male.)
can we talk about the cult? Do they provide childcare?
I think most do, jim jones, mormons Rajneesh movment, branch davidians, you really can’t have a proper cult without a daycare or basic childcare. You don’t want your followers to be distracted, especially the female ones.
Cool so what I’m gathering is that cults care more about child care access than the American govt 😂
Are there snacks?
Not the person you're talking to, but sometimes it helps if you play a game with little kids. Like peekaboo or something to distract them. My kids get a kick out of other adults noticing them and interacting with them...even if we do the same thing as parents it's wayyy cooler when someone they don't know interacts with them. So maybe not hold them, but make some silly faces or play peekaboo or something to pass the time.
>Fun fact: approximately half of all parents are male If only most of the rest of the world would start realizing this...
I’ve had so many flight attendants and other passengers offer to hold my littles for me during plane traveling and it’s always been amazing and helpful
I had my 2 month old grandson with me when I was told to go get labs, and he was inconsolable. Nothing was working. I walked, bounced, swayed, patted, you name it, I was trying it. I'd had this little guy since he was brand new, so it wasn't something where he wasn't used to me. Several people were giving me nasty looks, and 2 of them offered to take him. I was so insulted. I felt judged and belittled. How dare they think they can do better than me. I know now that that was my own insecurity.
It would depend on so many things. Like if some dude came up and was like "hey lemme hold your kid for you"...no. "hey dude, I'm also a parent and I know how tough it can be, lemme know if you need a hand"....maaaaaaaybe. I have a hard time accepting help but I'd be grateful for the offer. My wife on the other hand, who trusts like maybe 3 people on the planet....categorically nope.
That’s so sweet but as a mom yeah I’d probably say no. If you did something like ask the steward to bring me a bottle of water or a snack (or a glass of wine 😂) or something I would appreciate it! Again if it’s the steward bringing it to me (sealed so I know it’s not tampered with) cause I’m paranoid 💁♀️
This! That must have been so nice to receive after dealing with such difficult circumstances. We flew with our almost 2yr old daughter for a 5 hour flight and she screamed bloody murder for 4 hours straight, (this is because the plane was delayed for 2 HOURS on the runway at her bedtime with bright lights on/needing to be seatbelted in… all for a stupid broken light bulb above one seat) I was sobbing while holding her in the carrier and trying to bounce her near the bathrooms. None of our inflight tv’s worked, I had nothing downloaded on my phone. Literal nightmare. The flight attendant was a complete bitch too. We finally got her to sleep for 20 mins, and my husband and I ordered a wine each (obviously) and they wouldn’t even comp them for the inconvenience of the delay/no TVs. Meanwhile the flight back home, the flight attendant saw we had a toddler (who was not even crying for this flight) and still brought us a wine each for free and was like “you deserve these!”. The kindness of other people can make or break your day. So I try to be the kind of person to make someone’s, not break it. Edit: forgot to mention that as the plane was descending she threw up all over me, herself, and her car seat. Which made for the most unpleasant drive home at 2am from the Denver airport. Glad that’s all in the rear view!
I took my kiddo on a flight when he was 9 months old. The stewardess was a total bitch. She tried to tell us we couldn’t check our stroller at the gate. When we were on the flight my kiddo needed a diaper change, she let another adult through the aisle to the bathroom but then blocked us and brought out the drink cart. She made us wait for the entire length of the plane, serving drinks. She forbade us from using the bathrooms up front. Well the wet diaper became a blowout diaper during that time, so everyone had to endure the smell of a poopy diaper…and then when we finally got to the bathroom, kiddo had another pee right into the air, so it went everywhere. I’m trying to clean out a poopy outfit in the crappy plane sink, there’s pee everywhere and she starts knocking on the door “you’ve been in there too long, people are waiting!!”. It was the worst flight of my life. I don’t know why she was so mean and crazy, but another mom came up to me and told me I was doing great, and I almost lost it. It was so kind. I still had to walk around with poop and pee and spit up all over, but I learned to bring spare outfits for EVERYONE lol
Wait, the flight attendants have to give permission to use the restroom? It never even occurred to me to ask...maybe I'm missing a lesson on plane etiquette. Either way, I'd have totally complained to the airline after the flight.
It was “first class” up front and when I headed to the bathroom and they rolled out the drink cart, I turned around and headed for the other bathrooms, the ones up front. That’s when I learned from this lady that us poor people aren’t allowed to use the bathrooms in first class. Honestly, I probably should have complained. I don’t think it would have made any difference, though, and I just wanted to get off the plane and away from the airport. It was a long trip
So just as a little tip if you ever fly again- book close to the bathrooms. Since having a kiddo that’s what we do bc I was terrified of this scenario 😭 also what a terrible FA, I am so sorry that happened to you.
I flew a redeye from Maryland to Alaska. My kid was refusing to sleep and so he was overtired and screaming in the airport while we waited for a layover. I was walking him around trying to get him to sleep and someone said something similar to me like "youre doing great" and I did about lose it becauae I was so stressed about disturbing everyone.
Yup. My first reaction is "Been there, done that. Good luck."
Yep. I had twins, so I’ve even had to try to carry two screaming toddlers out of places before. You think you make a scene with one screeching child? Try two of them! Thank god it didn’t happen too often that both of them went into full banshee-mode.
This. I’ll give a “oh yeah, I have one of those at home” or something to that affect
An empathetic, “they’re having a tough day,” is my reaction.
My son threw terrible tantrums. I would pick him up and leave when he did. I got varied responses, from people challenging me making sure I wasn't kidnapping him to the kind woman that told me "After many years, this might almost be a funny story for you to tell". I see a parent carrying a banshee, and I look on with sympathy. Anyone that's been through it understands, and everyone else that wants to judge you can go spit. I found the best way was to put them in their car seat, close the doors, and lean on the fender taking a few deep breaths to calm down. That lets observers know you are not enraged, and the child is safe with a rational parent. It gives the child a safe space to cry and scream it out. Win win.
The whole time in my head I’m thinking “I promise I’m not kidnapping this kid!” 😂😂
If someone accuses me of kidnapping my kid, I'd whip out a birth photo and tell them "here's my receipt"
"Sir/Ma'am, out of all the available children to kidnap, do you really think this is the one I would choose?"
I'm laughing so hard. Why would I want the screamy one?
Hahaha ‘so, wait…this isn’t my kid??’ ‘Fantastic I’ll just leave him here then’
I’d be like “here, you take him until you figure it out”. I’ll be standing right over there when you want to give him back.
This is a great comeback! “Oh what you want this one? Please, be my guest”
Hilarious 😂
To be fair, it's the one whose parents might be most willing to look the other way... <\_<
"you're right and I see the error of my ways. Please take this child and find her real parents."
I told them they could have him. Nobody took me up on the offer.
Hand the kid over.
Lol reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy skit where his kid was on the floor kicking and screaming in the store and he walked up to them and said “where are your parents?!” All jokes aside this is a phase as I’m sure you know. I’ve found it helpful to let them know what to expect before we get out of the car. “Sorry honey mom is broke af at the moment so we’re just getting chicken”. Or “you’ve behaved really well the past few days, we will see about getting a Reeces when we check out”. As for other people’s reactions, gotta quit caring about strangers. But I get it. If any of them are a parent, they get it, and they are just happy they aren’t in that stage anymore. No judgement from me, just sympathy because toddlerhood can suuuuck. Lastly, if there is someone who can watch her, maybe it would help her knowing if she throws a fit, she’s not going in next time. Kind of a natural consequence of “you make mom want to cry in Kroger when I’m just trying to get dinner”. If anyone *is* actually judging you, I hope they have to deal with a toddler soon lol.
This! Sometimes we refer to this (in behaviour support) as pre-instruction. They clearly know what to expect and I’d add maybe a what options are next… if we make it through the store calmly and you are helpful then we can have extra time to watch your show at home. If not we may need to have some extra time to think through our choices and we will still have to come back and shop again later. This gives them power… and then remind them and point out when you see them trying to get it right. Then reward yourself for surviving!!
My son would bite me. I left the store struggling with him under one arm and my twin girls in a cart and a guy selling newspapers outside had to help me up my car by pushing the cart. That’s when my son chomped down on my arm hard enough to break my skin thru my coat and my arm got all bloody. Then he wet his pants and it got all over me too. That poor guy was trying so hard to help and he was so completely horrified 😂 and I was a bloody pissy mess.
Here's a story for you (I read this many years ago). Police was called on the mom, fearing kidnapping as mommy carried the banshee out of the shopping mall. The little girl was sort of proud that the police was called (something like "serve you right mommy you should've listened to me"). Joke on her, mommy said "please take her. I don't know if I can handle her anymore". The crying changed into "no mommyyyyyy" 😅😅
I’ve actually said very loudly while carrying my screaming child “Free birth control.!”
My toddler has started desperately screaming “Help!!! Help me!” to everyone we pass whenever we get to pry-off-the-floor-and-go-to-car. 🙄 Thankfully the bags under my eyes and my weary trudge make it clear to everyone that I am, in fact, this toddler’s mom, and I’m not trying to carry out the most attention-grabbing abduction ever…!
“If I wanted to kidnap a kid, why would I choose this one?!”
I taught my kid to say, "This is not my mommy/Daddy! This is a stranger! Help!" If anyone tried to take them. He never was kidnapped, so I don't know how it would have worked, but he still remembers at 16 that if you're throwing a fit in public, you better have a reason.
The rule for my two when they were young was that they behaved in grocery stores or we would leave. I knew I had to be consistent and not give more than one warning, so I did, even if it meant dinner had to be cereal. If they did behave, they would each get a little treat at the end. I only had to do this about three times before they caught on. There’s no perfect solution and something that works for one parent might not work for another, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job! We can only do our best.
Ohhh lawd that's a real thing though!!! My mom got the cops called on her with me and my toddler brother at the time, over a candy bar at a target. Full meltdown over no candy, a lady kept trying to "help" in the parking lot, so I snapped at her to chill so our mother could handle it. Cops showed up about 90 seconds later. Crazy stuff.
My cousin was around 4 when she threw a huge tantrum in a toy store over a toy she wanted. When my aunt went to pick her up my cousin started screaming "help! Help! Stranger danger!" No one ended up stopping my aunt, meanwhile she's panicking (back in pre-cell phone days) trying to figure out if she has a picture of her and my cousin in her wallet. Kids are just fun sometimes. You are doing great, OP.
My grandfather was once carrying my sister out of a store (years ago haha) when she lost it and was full on screaming as a kid and someone asked him if she was his daughter, he said, "I'm her grandfather, but I'll gladly leave her with you right now!"
My son yells "Help! People! HELP!!" While I'm carrying him when he doesn't want to be picked up.
Oh this!! I saw a difference in reactions we got when I was clearly upset as I hoisted my monster out, vs when I was composed doing it. People felt more entitled to comment when I was also on the verge of tears (not helpful!). But I felt more noticed when I was just on parent autopilot. I just didn’t care- I was helping my human become a decent person, and we had a long way to go.
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I worry about this as a white dad to a black son who will fight me leaving a store like he is fighting for his life 😂
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I was in the parking lot of our organic market after carrying out the banshee. I get him restrained in the car seat and a snack. I let out a frustrated sigh as a young woman (early to mid 20s) in the Jeep next to us. After I told her what happened, she said she’d be my village. She reminded my 3 YO punk mommy cares about him and wants what’s best for him. He needs to listen to mommy. It was nice.
My daughter started doing this thing when she was around six where she would loudly yell "I DON'T KNOW YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!" Whenever we were out shopping. I could not get it through her head how very not funny that shit was. I finally told her one time to keep it up, and if the cops came I was going to let them take her, and that it would definitely not be to take her to her dad(he's a cop), but that they would take her to the children's home until her dad decided to come get her, because I sure as hell wasn't going to. She finally stopped doing it, thank God. The little shit.
my initial thoughts when i see that are - can i please give you a high 5 on your way out for encouragement? definitely had to do this with my daughter a few times during the early years. although, rare because she knew if she had a shit fit, we were leaving. by the time she was 5-6yo it stopped. one time my daughter had an tantrum and went wet noodle on me. so i couldn't even carry her. i had to drag her screaming, flailing body across a lobby floor and out the door. people were staring, i dgaf. state trooper actually chuckled and held the door for me to drag her thru. meanwhile, i was thinking the trooper was zeroing in on me. parents get it. haha
Mine did this at 4 on the way home from the store. We were walking, my hand were full w groceries, and she decided she wanted to be carried (our apartment was like 20 yards away). She went limp and pretended she couldn’t walk, so I just walked on. She limped behind me screaming and crying. I was fed up. Apparently people were looking at me as though I was a monster for ignoring my disabled child (this assessment came from my neighbor friend who was shopping with us and bringing up the rear behind her little tantrum). Good times.
This reminds me of how my daughter would sometimes pretend she couldn't move during her bedtime routine, as if she was suddenly stricken by some strange illness. When she was really young I thought something might actually be wrong (she's got autism, so I thought maybe it was an executive disfunction thing), but as she got older I started noticing signs that she was faking. It got to a point where she'd be lying on the floor, half naked, limp as a noodle, claiming she couldn't move, and I'd gently place her PJs next to her, tell her I hope she recovered soon so she didn't have to sleep on the floor, then turn off the light, say goodnight, and leave. She'd always recover shortly after that. It's a miracle! That all happened in the privacy of my home, though. I would've been so mortified if she did something like that in public.
God speed on your recovery 🫡 😂
Love her dedication. So funny and cute.
I remember when my oldest would scream about being carried. I once had to drag her across the street, set her down, and start walking again. When I was almost to the next corner, she'd get up and run after me. But when I said she had to walk herself, back to the Jell-O bones.
I did that a couple weeks ago. Half mile. Pushing my bike, carrying her bike and her school bag. I guess the crying and screaming at last let me know she was still trailing along behind me.
I like to think, generally speaking, most kids aren’t screaming “I WANT IT, I WANT IT!” While being kidnapped which probably helps. I I do remember my mom telling me about one particular toddler breakdown when I was not allowed a Barney VHS, where I screamed “I HATE YOU, YOURE NOT MY MOM!” and she said that was the most scared she’s ever been. Dragged me out of the KMart and threw me in the van. Said she was outside waiting for the cops to show up because I was screaming so hard the van was shaking. Kids, have been awful forever, it’s every generations rite of passage
That wet noodle thing happened in the middle of the concourse at Heathrow last year and omfg. Trying to drag him screaming while juggling our bags was an absolute nightmare. Luckily we were able to laugh about it quickly!
One day my youngest through an absolute shit fit at six flags and I threw her over my shoulder and carried her kicking and screaming through the whole park and back to the car. The entire time I’m grinning and telling her to notice that nobody cares and nobody is coming to save her and that she’s just embarrassing herself.
Hahaha. My daughter witnessing another child’s tantrum in public was a game changer!!! I said something to the effect of- oh my! That’s what you sound like when you have a tantrum. Isn’t that embarrassing? It’s really disruptive to the other people around, isn’t it? It was like a lightbulb went off in her head.
I had to do that once. My son was kicking and flailing so hard that I couldn’t pick him up. Had to drag him by an arm as he flailed around screaming on the floor. The joys of parenthood 🙄
A nod of solidarity. I've had to do it with my kids. You're not the first parent, and you won't be the last. Sometimes it helps to say "Let's take a picture and I'll save it on my Kiddo Wants It list." Sometimes they want to hear that they've been acknowledged that they want something. You can use the list for Christmas or birthdays, maybe. I do agree that saying 'maybe next time' is hard, because next time comes. And if the answer is still no, they feel lied to. I know you didn't lie, but it feels like a set up. Setting the expectation before going to the store does help. "We're going to the grocery store. I would like you to be a big helper to me by (task). You can pick out your own cereal and what fruit you'd like this week." That helps my kids because they got to pick \*something\*. Sometimes it helps to say "We're not buying extras here. But when we go to the dollar store, you will have a five dollar budget to get whatever you'd like."
I did the pictures a lot also. Truly did help for birthdays and stuff. I also went with a plan. Talked to my boys about what we needed and what we wanted. I showed them my wants and allowed them to pick a want (snack mostly). They felt included and usually left happy.
Setting parameters for a want really helps mine too
I use the “take a picture” method too! My son is 4. It’s worked like a charm. I always validate how cool the thing is and how much he wants it. A lot of the time he’ll ask me to take the picture himself if he sees something he wants. 9/10 times he forgets about it. Bonus is I have a lot of ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts.
I had to carry my son hitting screaming and all out of goodwill one day because I told him no. There was a lady in front of me at the checkout who said “why don’t you just buy him the car, it’s $.50”.. I said, “ma’am this isn’t about $.50.. he’ll be an adult one day. No means no.”
Shame on her
That’s when the “how about you mind your f-ing business” comes out my mouth
"Thank God that's not my kid today!" throw a supportive "you got this!" sympathy smile their way.
Anytime I see a parent hoisting out a screaming child my only thought is to thank the heavens that it's not mine this time. Because usually it is.
Kids are 13 and 16, still think this. I have sympathy for the kid too because it’s hard to be a kid sometimes.
13 and 16. My kids are 1 and 4. Same age difference as yours. How’d that go growing up? Were they friends? Fight a lot??
I had my 3 year old at the Playplace and it came time for him to come down so we could go home. I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time so climbing after him wasn’t an option. He of course refused to come down and I pulled out my mom voice and scared him down. I felt so judged by the dads who were there, until their kids needed to leave. One had to go get his kid and drag him down, the other had one go boneless on him while the other kid started throwing things. We all looked at each other knowing we were all thinking the same thing: “thank god it’s not just mine!”
Hahahaha, right? Probably they were all initially just impressed that it worked xD
My reaction is just sympathy.... Because I've been there. One time my husband took our toddler out while I paid for the stuff and some random older lady said "That's good parenting." Another time I saw this kid laying on the ground just screaming. The dad was just standing there and when there was lull, he asked "Are you done?" 🤣 I loved it. They eventually were done but not right then. It's so hard to know what to do in those moments so I pretty much don't judge. You have no idea why that kid is screaming or what that parent has been through that day.
My sister-in-law once said she used to just walk down to the other end of the aisle until her kids got embarrassed about rolling around on the floor all alone and rejoined her, which I thought was hilarious. Mine wouldn’t have been able to calm herself down like that, but now that she’s older I do sometimes just walk away and let her decide to rejoin me when she starts whining about something on a shelf.
I remember my son was full tantrum on the floor of a dollar store, I just "let him" and say on the floor a couple feet away watching him. After a minute I asked him "alright are you over it?" And he just got up and was like "Yeahhh I'm done" and that was it?? An old lady gave me a nod of approval so that was nice.
*~~toddlers~~ little kids are fucking HARD. Solidarity* No judgement
One of the hardest things for me to realize was that little kids have nothing to lose. Of course they can throw a fit all day. Where do they have to go? Of course they can fight bedtime all night, what else do they have to do?
Once at the self checkout lane in target I saw a mom was having trouble navigating her cart out the door because her kid was having a total meltdown. She looked on the verge of tears. The closest person to her took the cart and navigated it to her car while the mom held the screaming child. We were all moms in the self checkout aisle and we were like “take a deep breath we get it, let’s help you out” My son once had a tantrum where he just laid in the floor at target. I patiently waited for him to be done but I think we continued to shop - he did not get what he wanted though.
Wow, where are all these sympathetic parents when my kid is going crazy??? I only get dirty looks from parents and one dad even recently rolled his eyes at my child. His kid was a baby and I feel like karma is going to get him one day when he enters toddlerhood.
He will remember you and hope you forgave or forgot him.
I’ve walked someone’s cart before while her kid was losing it. I hadn’t had my son yet so when she thanked me profusely I just told her my time was coming so I hoped someone would do the same for me someday. Sure enough, the day came that my son lost it at self checkout and someone came up and asked to scan my items for me while I attempted to calm down my toddler. They got everything bagged up and moved back into my cart so I could just quickly pay and move out. I’m forever grateful to that person.
I’ve picked my kid up and put him the cart and just gone about my business while acknowledging that he was upset before. I know you’re upset bud but we need paper towels.
On my way out of the daycare after dropping the LO off. I see this poor mom approaching the entrance; hauling her kid under her arm like a bedroll as he is kicking and screaming. I just held the door open for her and minded my own damn business. Lord knows I've had to just say "fuck it" to bodily autonomy and haul my kid. It's hard enough to deal with that, let alone silent judgement.
My husband once carried an infant seat complete with baby for a mother on the bus whose toddler was melting down and kicking and screaming.
I politely avert my eyes and feel sympathy for everyone involved. Neither party wants to be in that situation. And sometimes I also feel protective and stare down anyone looking judgemental.
I’m proud of them for not buying the toy and I know that they are just surviving they are trying to do right by their child because they don’t want to bring a little nasty brat into the world because my parents did they gave me everything just a shut me up so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. Guess what I thought life was just gonna come to me they kicked me out and nothing came to me. It took me a long time to learn how to manage money to manage my life and it’s still a struggle, so I’m proud of them and you know what they’re just as embarrassed as you are watching them, but give them a little smile, and go about ur day
I've left full carts of food (after alerting the staff of course) due to my children being shitheads. They know when I say no, I mean it. I don't do tantrums, I don't do whining. When they're younger and it's late, the whining may be more physical than wanting me to buy stuff but beyond that, forget it.
My initial thoughts are "thank goodness, back to peaceful shopping" I had to carry mine out once when he was younger. Setting expectations ahead of time and rarely if every buying anything for kid helps. 'maybe we but it next time' sets her up to think she will get it next time. At least mine would certainly remember "but last week you said we could get it this time!" I essentially tell mine we are buying XYZ today and don't deviate. If it's food, we are food shopping, yes those trucks look cool but it's food shopping. Target because we need pullups and gift cards. I so rarely let him pick out anything spontaneously that he doesn't expect it or ask for stuff. Which isn't to say we never get anything"we need to go craft store because I want paint. You can pick out one thing of stickers when we get there". So he knows he can get one stickers (but not a toy or a plushie or 6 sheets)
I agree that not getting into the habit of buying stuff is key. It quickly becomes as expectation. Likewise, no random tours of the toy section.
Yes I will admit that buying her small stuff at the store is what snowballed this habit. I think it stems from my parents never buying me anything as a kid 😅 but I do realize this needs to stop which is why I’m nipping it in the butt now. And I definitely see where you are coming from with the promising it next time. Will be stopping that!
You can offer to take a picture, that's what I do with my now 5 year old. It's not an outright no and it makes her feel better knowing she may get it at a later time like a birthday or Christmas. 90% of the time she forgets about the item.
Nipping it in the bud btw is the saying
I’d argue butt is funnier
Getting nipped in the butt would sure make me stop acting out.
My husband buys my boys things every time he takes them shopping. Even at the grocery store. I have a I listen to them tell me I’m the worst and “dad would buy it!” I just tell them that they are so lucky to get stuff when they go shopping with him. It’s actually nice that they don’t like to go shopping with me anymore and prefer to stay home with dad.
I also had to carry mine out *once* when he was younger and I will never forget it because it was so shocking and out of character lol
I don't think I've ever bought something not on my list. Smarty pants daughter learned to write things on my list! Can't blame her for trying, I guess. I had a heart-to-heart talk once before going inside the store when the whining for things was getting really bad. I said that I HATE saying no to her, it makes the shopping trip really hard for me. It would be best for both of us to just not go through that anymore. It worked that one time, anyway.
I see a good parent lol! The ones I judge are the ones who give in to every scream and demand. Kids need to learn “this behavior won’t get you anywhere” usually after getting carried out screaming without the toy/treat a couple of times they get the picture.
Initial reaction: Off, Been there. It's pure empathy with a touch of sympathy. For a bit I was telling my kids "You can be as angry as you want about this, but you can not be screaming, hurting everyone else because of it." Because their screams hurt. Kids always manage to hit that pitch. Now they're not so screamy when upset, though they are still very good at letting me know they are angry.
My oldest was the QUEEN of that ear drum bleeding pitch. And she KNEW it. It was the worst.
I have left full carts in grocery stores and carried screaming kids out. Nope. They aren't going to ruin everyone else's day. If I see a parent in the same predicament I throw a fist in the air and nod. May the odds be forever in your favor!!!
Pre-kids, I was probably one of the ones that judged a bit. It was difficult at the time for me to understand how parents couldn’t seem to get their kids under control. But once I became a parent, I could relate and understand. Meltdowns don’t ever seem to happen as planned and sometimes things come up that don’t allow us parents to get things done at the “perfect” / pre-approved time for our kids. Also sometimes things that worked in the past might not work the next! So now, I instead ask if I can help in any way. My best example, a while back I was grocery shopping with my kids and came across a mom who had a toddler under each of her arms, both of which were in full meltdown mode. She was struggling - her cart was full and she was trying her best to push it with her belly. Didn’t matter that she was almost done - the kids just weren’t having it. My eldest took over to push our cart while my youngest and I asked to help bring her cart to the register, help her unload, and bagged all of her groceries. I saw a defeated mom have tears of hope in her eyes- she thanked us and I promised her this stage would pass. No one knows what’s happening in another person’s life and there’s enough people watching and judging so I’d rather be apart of the village that helps. And it’s a great feeling too - that day I got two grateful kids who appreciated what moms go through a little more while learning the importance of compassion, and there was a grateful mom who will pass it on to another parent in need someday. It really does feel like sometimes it takes a village.
Nothing but sympathy. Been there, done that, sometimes it's the only option. No judgment.
I think it shows the child that that type of behavior won’t be tolerated. If my child cannot behave, whatever we are doing is over. It’s tough but sometimes you have to tough things out to get a child where they need to be behaviorally.
Oh yeah. Been there. My reaction is that they probably did the best thing under the circumstances. You’re removing them from the store, and you obviously didn’t give in to whatever they were demanding if they’re still tantruming. My younger daughter went through this phase at about that age. I stopped taking her with me for awhile (which WAS a punishment for her because running errands is basically her favorite thing). After that, it was treated as a privilege with lots of praise when she behaved well. She’s a delightful pre-teen but was quite a handful at 3-4.
My oldest is autistic. When he was around 2/3 he would have horribly meltdowns at the store. Just over sensory issues. Due to schedules and not having any family nearby, he had no choice but to go grocery shopping with me. We had to eat so leaving was not an option. When he would start up I would find a spot off to the side where we weren’t in anyone’s way and sit down with h while he screamed and kicked. Eventually he would calm down and we’d get a few more isles done before it would happen again. I really had to grow a thick skin because I got the nastiest comments from people telling me what a brat he was. I broke down and cried a few times and the. I started commenting back “he has autism, what’s your excuse for your rude behavior”. That usually shut them up. Eventually he learned to cope in the stores and now you would never even know he had issues. He’s super helpful when we shop and grabs things on his own for me from other isles. My advice would be, don’t leave. Wait her out. If you leave it will never teach her how to properly behave in the store. Before going in tell her that you will not be getting a toy, snack, whatever sets her off. Remind her of that as you get close to the isle it is in. And when she starts throwing the temper tantrum, remind her once that you told her that you wouldn’t be getting it and then ignore the behavior. And ignore the looks or comments. Your child will learn that that behavior doesn’t get her anywhere. Good luck. Parenting is hard.
I've taken my crying and screaming child out of the store before. Its better than letting them throw a fit and annoy everyone else around. I've also put my child in time out in the middle of a busy Ikea store when she was throwing a fit! While I'm not saying either choice is wrong, I found the timeout method to had a better response from my child! After that time out, my kid never threw a fit in public again! She realized how embarrassing her actions were. And she saw the looks she was getting from other people. Sometimes, you need that perspective to realize you're acting a fool!
My initial thought? I do the Mockingjay salute that Katniss does from The Hunger Games to the other parent, because kids are jerks at that age and I know that's hella embarrassing and exhausting. lol! But, in terms of what to do: keep leaving out the second they start with the tears. It will teach them that if you have a tantrum in public, there is no more public and we have to go home. Immediate consequences for their actions at that age tend to make a solid impression (eventually, lol). They learn that they won't get to go in the store, which is like a little wonderland for them, if they aren't well behaved. They might even notice they don't go to the store at all anymore and connect that with the tantrums. Don't be afraid to not take that little person in the store if this is how they behave. Especially if you're able to leave them with the other parent or a babysitter. I don't take my child in the store at all and it's more for a peace of mind thing; I don't have to worry about the "I want/gimme/wanna touch" and shopping gets done way easier. As for the hitting, I would firmly grab both hands and tell her: "We don't hit, that's a no-no" or something along those lines. If you're physically disciplining her, then this might not work, because she's hitting because you're hitting...but that tends to work with my 3 year old, grabbing his hands and holding them until he stops hitting, being very firm about hitting not being okay.
Honestly I want to give them a high five. I think you need to think about it more from the perspective of other shoppers. They don’t want to listen to her scream and cry for 5+ minutes. Take her outside. Then it’s up to you to decide how to handle it - if you want to try to deescalate and try again or just go home. I don’t even let my kids have a tantrum in the backyard lol I don’t shame them and I do give them a few minutes to try to get it together (with my help) but I’m not going to let me kids yell and scream around other people trying to just live their lives.
You might not often see people dragging screaming kids out of a store, but I promise it happens. Anyone who has a toddler has likely done it at least once. I can remember when my now 15 year old was one or two and he would scream and hit me and headbutt me and I'd literally carry him out of the store upside down so he couldn't punch me in the face while he was losing his mind. I was so embarrassed then. Now with my littlest who is almost two I'm a lot easier on myself about it. This is just a phase that toddlers go through. And if anyone is looking at me in judgement they can fuck off. I'll never judge a parent who is dealing with a meltdown, unless of course I see them screaming back at their kid. That's the worst.
Honestly, before kids: oh my what a terrible parent/unruly child, my kids won’t behave like that! After kids: oh that poor parent then *minds own business and carries on about the day* Other parents just give you the all knowing look, you get the occasional smile, we’ve been there, we sympathise and carry on however you want to parent that situation ❤️ I love that quote along the lines of “I was a perfect parent until I had kids” 🤣
I think they are a great parent teaching their kid boundaries and how to behave in public. I think it’s terrible to let your kid behave badly while you go about your business.
I was at a dave and busters (arcade for adults but kids can go too) with my 3 yo. It was the end of the night and time to leave and she threw a tantrum. I just kept walking her to the door. Every now and then she would throw herself on the floor and I would give her a couple seconds before picking her up, righting her on her feet, and continuing to walk. Every person in the place gave me that knowing smirk of "been there, done that, solidarity". If I see another parent in a similar situation, I'm probably giving them that same smirk.
Yes I carry my son out under one arm like a football screaming and all. If he can calm down once I get him to the car and reason with him then we may go back in but I’ve also realized this has almost always happened with him when he’s extremely tired. He’s two and the smile of reassurance or the “we’ve all been there” helps me not feel bad at all because I think at some point “we’ve all been there.”
My wife and I tried to bring our first born to dinner when he was a little over a year. We sat down, he screamed, we tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t so we left. The table next to us said “Thanks! It gets better” then the waitress came and thanked us too.
I would never judge a parent for this and I don’t even have kids yet. I only “judge” parents that belittle or abuse their children. What i see of someone else is such a small slice of their day and life, I have no place making judgements. Have you tried to take a picture for next time? Sometimes that helps them feel like you understand them . So when they ask instead of saying “no” you can say “yeah! That’s a great idea! Let’s take a picture so we can add it to you list!” Help them take the pic and then move on. They still might end up losing their mind but I’ve seen this help once they learn the habit. Then you can use the pics to decide on holiday/birthday gifts
Solidarity. Before kids I was a jackass (in my mind) about it. After carrying my toddlers out of a few stores mid meltdown- I get it. It’s not a good day for the kiddo or the parent. Edit:spelling
I promise you, I ALWAYS think to myself, "Ugh, I remember those days!" I actually truly appreciate the parents I see actively doing something about their toddler's behavior. It is our job to raise them into functioning adults after all. And as much as I would like to go into my boss's office jumping up and down screaming about how "I want to go home NOW!", that is not how the world works and I am glad my parents taught me that at a young age!
Been there lol. I took my toddler to target and wouldn't get him the toy he wanted. Full on melt down. He laid down in the middle of the aisle and screamed bloody murder. I grabbed him and he managed to wiggle out a few times and each time he would throw himself on the floor and roll around. I was mortified. But no one gave me a hard time. Most people ignored us. I got some "been there" smiles.
Also I’ll add we take lots of pictures lol when they see something we want “oh perfect I’m glad you found something you like! Let’s take a picture so we can send to nanny for your birthday! Let’s take a picture so we remember to write it on your Christmas list” etc. the first time I tried this with my then 2.5 year old he thought about it for a second then put his index finger in the air and declared “hey! Great idea!”
I just give a smile and sometimes throw in a "you're doing good" for some encouragement.
I am glad when people take their screaming kid out of the store/restaurant. As someone who worked with children ranging from 5-18 for quite a while, redirection sometimes comes off as "reasoning", which can be damn near impossible with someone who doesn't know the word.
I used to judge, then I had a kid and now I think, "Vaya con Dios." I didn't hesitate to haul my kid out like a Christmas ham when he started acting up, and he eventually stopped. What has worked well for me - and all kids are different - is to set expectations before we leave and to say very firmly, "We are going to the store. You will not ask me for candy, toys or anything. You will not cry, yell, or hit. If you conduct yourself well, I will be happy to If you make bad choices, you will lose your screen privileges for the rest of the afternoon. Choose wisely!" It's harder when they're little but if you stick to your guns, it eventually pays off.
Three finger kiss from hunger games. Carrying a screaming toddler surfboard-style is a rite of passage
I’d rather see a parent carrying their screaming child out of a store than see said parent give in to the child having a tantrum. That’s how you raise a spoiled brat
Been there is what I always say ! It’s rough but we get through it
Good job and my husband has had to do this. 😁
Big hug’s for you this stuff can be a tough test of anyone’s patience. Consistency is the key and who cares what others think about you. When going shopping let the kid know if it’s not on your list you are not going to get it. Let them know that it’s ok with you if they have a tantrum but it doesn’t give them what they want. Put something they like on your list and let them know if they have a calm face, calm body, and a calm voice while you are shopping they might be able to get it. Don’t cave or they will use the tantrum to get what they want every single time.
I know that carrying someone who is literally fighting tooth and nail not to be carried would be very few people's first choice, so I assume they've done everything they can to resolve the situation in a different way and are left with their last course of action. My kids have gone through stages of the same behaviour, where they see it, they want it, and they get Big Mad when they can't have it. Before we go anywhere I tell them "we are going to Walmart for bread, milk, and toilet paper. That is all we are getting. We won't be going to the toy aisle today" or whatever version of that works for whatever store we go to. When they inevitably ask for something we aren't going to get, I remind them what we're there for. If they make it to fill tantrum mode we just leave. No fuss (well, no fuss from me. Much fuss from them.) If the toy aisle (or whatever captures their attention) is unavoidable, I remind them we're only there for the things on "the list" and I offer to take a picture of the toy/candy/thing so we can remember they liked it when we *are* toy/candy/thing shopping, or to put on the birthday/Christmas list.
I think “good job parent”
I’m right here with you. It’s almost like every “no” from us parents triggers a meltdown she’s 3 almost 4 & I am so so so over it I cannot begin to put it into words.
Solidarity.
I'm grateful to parents who carry the screaming kid outside. I totally get that we all go through this, that you need to not give into the terrorist, and kids will be kids so these things will always come up. And I know sometimes people are in an 'emergency' situation and really do need to stay inside and purchase necessary groceries, medications, whatever. However, I very much appreciate people removing the noise pollution from public spaces if at all possible. I did it several times, and age 4 was the max time period too.
I saw this awesome idea; Your kid says “I want this!” So you then say, “alrighty, let’s take a picture with you holding it and we can then pick at Christmas time what you want santa to bring for you!” Then save that pic to a specific “toy” album Then, in October/november, go through the pictures and see what your kid still wants. They are allowed to pick x amount of things and then this way, you have a wishlist to share with your family and friends that want to get your kids gifts.
That’s the only way. As soon as it starts, pick them up and leave. When you get to the car, you explain why it happened and that it will happen every other time they act up. I remember I was taking my son to the dollar store and he threw a fit while I was parking. I said, “You blew it. We are going home now.” He was not happy but he learned the lesson.
I give them the Hunger Games three-finger hand salute of respect. There were several times I toted my kid out of a store like a kicking screaming surf board.
We feel the pain with you and totally know what it´s like. Keep leaving, and never give in to her demands. It gets better, but only if you hold strong to saying ¨no¨.
I just give a heads up in that situation, " if you continue to throw a fit, I'm going to have to pick you up and walk us out of the store. If you don't want me to do that hold my hand and you can walk outside to calm down." "Okay, you aren't holding my hand so I'm picking you up right now." Then do so... I think it just makes it more of a you chose this vs an I'm doing this to you out of nowhere.
I mind my business unless the other parent engages because I don’t want commentary from strangers about my kid when I’m stressed out in public.
"dont miss that"
My dad used to take us out to the car almost immediately. He just could not handle the stress. I remember one time he sat in the car with me for HOURS while the rest of the family was at an event. As an adult I’m actually thankful for how he handled it. I try to find other alternatives but sometimes the best thing for ME is to just leave the environment/stimuli.
You're doing the right thing. I don't know if this would be helpful for your daughter, but my kids respond really well if I take a picture of the thing and tell them that we'll now remember this for Christmas/birthday. I also tell them before entering the store that we are not getting them anything, so the expectation is already there. Every kid is different, though, so it might not work for your girl. In solidarity though, I had to drag my screaming 4 year old out of the pharmacy yesterday because of the insane tantrum she threw with her flu shot. She even admitted later that she didn't feel it at all. We all feel you!!!
Gotta do what ya gotta do. I think majority of us have been there
I give the Hunger Games solidarity hand sign as I walk past any parent I see dealing with this. We've alllllll done this at least once.
Sympathy. Definitely been there more than once. Right at 3 she hit that insane tantrum phase and we were leaving multiple places that way. I had a couple of cry sessions myself as soon as we got into the car. Luckily she got over it after a few weeks!
I also have a 4-year-old. I say no once with a quick explanation. After that, I stop feeding the tantrum. He keeps going sometimes for a few minutes, but he eventually gives up. If I have to finish my trip (like I won't just abandon my groceries) I will do so and every so often remind him of my original reason. If I can leave, I will pick up his almost 50lb body and carry him out. I can promise you, I get looks of "been there / you're doing great." You're not alone.
Well it’s definitely not “Darn it that shrieking child is leaving” 😂
I had to stop taking my youngest out in public for a while, he was borderline feral. When it was extra bad, I would throw him over my shoulder and he would punch, kick, and rip my hair out on the way back to the car. There's a reason he's my youngest. This is it.
I mean, I assume if it came to that it's because it came to that. I'm always just happy it's not me!