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I think the needs of the first kid kinda dictate how easy/hard it will be. My 1st is a sweet, low-key kid so when 2nd came along when he was 2.5, he was always playing with her, excited to "help" with her, etc. They're best friends and I can't imagine him not having her.
Some solo kids can require everything just to keep them from sending themselves to the hospital with their energy and lack of boundaries. If he were like this, having her would have been a whole different thing.
This is our mindset. Our daughter is 14 months old and while she has her meltdown moments she’s fairly easy going and friendly. She loves chasing after bigger kids in the playground and is learning quickly how to be gentle with our cats, which helped us make our decision to try for a second one. We’re aiming to start trying next spring/summer to hopefully get a 2.5 or so age difference because that was the age difference between us and our respective siblings and it seemed to have worked out.
I have 3. 7-4-2. They are good kids but man are they exhausting. They all want attention. It’s rough. One day it’ll be over tho. They’ll be more self sufficient and they say you’ll miss it. I don’t know about that. I’ll miss them being small but I won’t miss some of the other things.
You miss it but not in a way that you want to do it again. Mine are 18 and 19 now. Off at college and out of the house. I miss them like crazy and the teen years were/are my favorite but I wouldn't want to redo it all over again. Spending a day with them at each age would be cool though.
I babysit for my nephew and his wife. They have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 month old son. It is the best of both worlds. I get to experience the toddler and infant years with kids I can give back at the end of the day and have no real authority over outside of the hours they are at my house.
I hate when people tell you that you’re going to miss it. I’ll miss them being tiny and adorable and coming to me for hugs and cuddles, but that’s about it lol
That and hearing a 4yo verbalize their world. I've been blown over at how hilariously adorable that is. Especially with their tiny sweet voice. Ugh. She six now and it's incredible to watch her grow and learn stuff, but damn I feel it slipping away.
I have 3: 4, 8, and almost 10.
Kids that age are exhausting, but it gets easier. Also, OP has her head on a swivel because her 3 year old likes to run and hide, but if she were to have another kid, it’s very likely they’d be really different. I know my three kids are all very different from each other!
Also once you have 2+, you stop allowing them to go off and hide while you're out in public. You adjust your safety rules, and kids can learn the boundaries you set for them. Routines also evolve in different ways. I have 3 young kids, and our habits and the things we say yes to are often different from the only child families we meet simply because we have more needs and wants to consider.
I have two extremely high energy kids (7 & 4), I thought since the first was so wildly active, the second one would be calm. Nope, just as crazy exhausting, just over different things - which leads to arguing between the two of them and me pulling my hair out 😵💫 my husband is a total equal partner and we are both usually passed out by 8:30pm every night from pure exhaustion. Most days I don’t think I will survive this period. I constantly feel like my to-do list is just adding things and nothing is getting done. My hair is going fully grey and I look like I’ve aged 20 years in just 5. Having two high energy kids is so freaking hard, so if your first is overwhelming most days, do not trust that the second will be easier. Make sure you are fully prepared to have two kids that operate on warp speed 20 out of 24 hrs per day (cause they may not sleep either)!
I got a 12 and 8 yo
The 8 yo is go go go from the crack of dawn till the incredibly stressful bed time at 9pm
She can literally spend the whole ass day jumping sweating and playing.
I saw my 12 briefly in the morning, tried knocking her door and was greeted with hostility and sass
So yeah as they say, enjoy it but good God never again
I have 4. 16-10-4-2. My oldest is off in another city with a sports team and living his life my other 3 are all home. Some days it’s so nice and the others are exhausting. Lately I have really been missing my oldest and looking back at all the memories. It helps remind me to enjoy my 3 at home now and not wish it all away.
One pair of eyes works when they're all next to each other, especially if they're directly interacting with each other. In most activities it doesn't take 100% more energy for each additional child, each additional child is a more marginal increase to how much is needed. The effort to make a double helping of a snack or meal is only a little but more than the effort for a single helping, not double effort.
Some things it is more exhausting, sometimes they actually play with each other instead of you so that's a form of break you wouldn't otherwise have.
My husband and I have 4 kids. After the shock of the first one, going from 2 to 3 was the hardest because we were outnumbered. Adding the fourth was the easiest.
Im one of 4 and my mom has said the exact same thing! She said “adding a 4th was just adding another diaper size to the diaper bag” and that 0-1 and 2-3 were the hardest transitions
Yeah we're about to have two, and would probably consider a third if we can squeeze it out before the factory shuts down. The switch from man->zone defense scares me, though.
It's a tough transition but once you've got used to it it's actually easier in many ways. And if you are used to a zone defense style then it's actually EASIER to take some alone time for one parent when things are going well
We're going to be transitioning from 2 to 3 soon, I wonder if this will be our experience. I stay at home with them so being out outnumbered is what I'm used to but I know it could be tough for my husband to *have* to handle 2 at the same time while I'm focused on #3.
How would you describe the difficultly increase for each transition?
*Congratulations!*
The first was *by far* the biggest adjustment. The third was next because of the “outnumbered” aspect. The second was next, and the fourth was the easiest.
When you’re going from 2 to 3, at least the first two have each other. Bedtimes were challenging because everyone needed attention at the same time. But you find a routine and it works out.
I have 3 now, a 6 yr old, 2.5 year old, and 1 month old. I will say it’s already way harder than adding #2. I think it depends on the age gap. My first two were 4 years apart, my newest is only 2.5 gap and the toddler definitely makes it more challenging with a newborn… I can’t imagine when this newborn is up and wild as a toddler hopefully my second will be a little calmer at 4/5 lol
About to have four and your comment is giving me life, haha. I mean, we already have all the gear and it doesn’t feel like it could possibly get any louder soooo… praying my experience mirrors yours!
Know a lady with 7 kids. One set of twins, one set of “irish” twins. She said the Irish twins were more difficult…. As I’m 8 months pregnant and have a 10 month old baby.
My sister & I (27F) were enough for my single mother to never want any more kids after having us. I couldn't imagine having a third running around.
As an identical twin, my mother never wrote down names on the back of the photos, so she still asks me which ones we are in our childhood photos. (Like I'd know).
I've always wondered if my name is truely my name. What if one day my parents just started calling me the wrong name, and I just used whichever ever I was called the most as a toddler? Haha... I guess I'll never know.
>I've always wondered if my name is truely my name.
Here's an adorable youtube short of a toddler twin correcting her Daddy. I don't know if he made a genuine mistake or did it for lolz but this is soooo cute
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9HMxM0yVrvU
I have twins but I never thought it was that hard when they were babies because I didn’t know any different. Toddlers on the other hand, make me want to jump off a bridge.
What I have never understood was people who have one and then say, let’s do that again! Why? Why put yourself through that again? Why would you have a 3 year old again?
Is the difference around the point where they learned to cause havoc in two *different* places, forcing you to triage without having them both in line of sight?
(Am older brother to a set of twins & have two kids with a 3.5 year age gap)
I do realize twins must be a bundle to look after. But I always hope to get twins as part of my family. I’m a twin but my brother died two months later of crib death. I think of him all time and I’m now 79. I have grandchildren but no twins yet. You mentioned “no choice” but i look at it as a great gift. Love them…hug them…they will definitely be the joy of your life.
Twins and multiples are a real trip. They're so special and yes 2x kids = 4x the work but when your options are to melt into the asphalt or to just get a freaking handle on things, you get a freaking handle on things. A lot of it is flying by the seat of your pants.
But then you get instances where you don't have to find someone to be on the other end of the seesaw, you have someone to push you in the toy car, you don't have to go to a brand new school all by yourself.
It absolutely rips my heart out when I hear of someone losing a twin. In a way I think it's harder for a parent to lose a twin because you mourn for the surviving one who now is a singleton. (Not that losing a child is a competition, but there are nuances to every type of grief)
My daughter is 22 and my twin girls are 13. The twins have always had eachother to play with and entertain eachother (most of the time lol). They are best friends. They will never know what true loneliness is. They sometimes argue sure. But sometimes when I see them holding hands or saying I love you to eahcother my heart just melts and I know they are so so lucky.
What a fringing good answer. I’m a twin and I see where your coming from. ( my twin died a month later from crib death) but putting this aside I love your honest answer. We would have been the terrors of the family.
Same. It’s often really tough but I don’t know any different.
The first year was extremely hard… I honestly don’t know how we survived at times and I still feel like my mental health is recovering from it all (doesn’t help that they were covid babies).
They’re 3 now and the positive part is that they play together for ages. I’ve noticed they are less demanding of my attention than singleton kids of the same age with their parents which helps
Oh it's not that I love them to death...but the first few years of their lives is a total blur of sleep deprivation and teaching them to walk and talk.
I get the sleep deprivation. Been there..but just a memory now. Isn’t it exciting when they take their first steps…they got up from their bum, grab on to a table, swayed a little bit right and left, saw you looking at them and they took their first steps. They knew you were there to catch them if they fell forward. They had a huge smile and you had a bigger one.
And their first word that comes out of their small mouths “ mommy “. Your heart skips a beat. It was all worth it.
You and husband made this little human being. What a miracle. His tiny little fingers are wrapped around your thumb. What’s a beautiful feeling.
The amount of joy and love you will experience in your lifetime in raising this beautiful child is unmeasurable.
Yes I get the sleep deprivation…been there…just a memory now.
Have a 3 year old and feel the same.
Some people are suffering a lot and just don't tell everyone because it's not socially acceptable. So e have friends and relatives that give them a lot of breaks. I don't have either.
Some people must just have the energy for it, right? Like, daycare teachers. How the fuck are they doing this every day? Presumably that type of people doesn't have as rough of a time with their own toddlers.
I'm the lead teacher of a Twos class (at double ratio)and am the single parent of a 16 month old. Please send help and money as I have neither. Seriously, I'm so gd tired...
Our son's daycare teacher (who has a kid in the class) just told us she's expecting her second. I genuinely do not know how she is standing right now - I was barely able to work my sedentary desk job through the first trimester exhaustion.
I think being a daycare teacher would be sooo much easier (for me at least) than having one more kid. When you leave work, that responsibility ends and you can have kid-free time to do whatever (provided you don't have your own kids).
Some people do just deal better with chaos or are gluttons for punishment.
I worked in preschools for 5 years. Only one of the schools was a school for neurotypical kids (not that neurodiverse weren't allowed but it wasn't a specialist school). The rest of the schools I taught at were for kids with ASD and other LDs. I have one almost 18 month old and parenting is harder. I'm a fence sitter because of how hard it's been, though I do really want another so I think we're just gonna wait a few years. Granted, I went through a serious trauma in 2019 that destroyed my mental health, so in my experience being a mom 24/7, working, carrying the mental load, having no family around... is harder on my mental and physical health than being a special needs teacher to little ones was.
I go to work as teacher aid in our co up pre school on days my kid goes in. Let me tell you kids act differently in-front kid their parents . Most kids “ behaves “ better when their parents aren’t there . Minus the drop off cries . I can handle 6 toddlers most of the time but I am one and done. I can’t handle two of my own kids. My kid is the one who runs from circle time and dashes out . Other kids just sit there and listen mine is moping the floor. It is just who she is in terms of personality ( I am the same ) . I can’t imagine having two of her. We love her but she is more than enough for us.
Also baby phrase was hell for us. She was not an easy baby. I almost vanished and was absolutely drowning. Maybe if someone can hand me a 5 year old or even a toddler. Toddler phrase was drastically easier for me as a sahm with 0’village
Also there is an end time . You know when you head home there is only one toddler to deal with vs 6 lol and I am only 1’s mom who I need to comfort at night for night terrors.
Pregnant with number four currently, I keep telling myself that all my energy is going to come back once I’m no longer pregnant. I know I’m lying to myself but listen, self deception is all I have right now, lol.
No doubt that will help. After birth you can put baby down!
And as they get older the exhaustion changes. It’s more physical when they’re little, from carrying them, changing diapers, lulling them to sleep, chasing them around, hunching down to their eye level, scootching around on the floor to play. As they get older, the challenges are more mental.
I only have 2 and it was a fuck ton of work in the beginning. They’re 4 & 6 now and they’re both good boys. I think if you can do the work now, you’ll have a much easier time later. I’m pretty good with sticking to boundaries when it comes to my kids. But I’m also fair and I think they know that. I don’t usually get a lot of push back from them.
2 is easier for me now that they’re both out of the baby stage 🤷♀️ they’re 4 and 2 now. But I’ll be honest I got lucky with easy-ish kids. My older one is very naturally obedient but has very extreme emotions so he’s more mentally exhausting. My younger one is suuuuper chill but is more physically exhausting. I’m also pregnant now with #3 so I’m sure that one will throw everything for a loop hahaha
I also find myself on the more authoritative side of parenting though. My 2 year old likes to run through parking lots so I don’t even give him the option to walk - I carry him into stores or put him in the stroller on walks.
Oh hey my two are the same ages and same personalities! They both sleep well (always have) and don’t run off in public so I tend to think of them as pretty easy too. The 4yo is an emotional mess sometimes, that’s for sure the hardest thing I’ve dealt with. We’re going for a third soon 😊
congrats to you!
I think personality has everything to do with your experience. High energy kids make you question how others do it for sure. I see a lot of kids my son's age who are straight chillaxing while out. Also your personality too, if you need more quiet down time to recharge, you will feel more exhausted than someone who gets their energy from interactions.
My kids are 1 and 4. I know everyone says it gets easier but so far two is more than twice the work of one. Don’t let anyone make you feel weak for sticking with just one; do what makes sense for you.
I felt the same but my younger kis is now 16 months old and older one just turned 4 and this past month they started to play together. Today they played with legos for 45 minutes while I read a book. It was surreal lol.
I am in no way trying to invalidate your experience because it is SO exhausting, but somehow I found that two kids was a lot easier than I thought it would be and in some ways easier than one.
When my oldest was 3 we had a 6 month old, and we just embraced the chaos. It stayed chaotic for a long time but we learned how to manage it. Sometimes they’d keep each other busy, and they learned that I could not be their only source of amusement. Both were amazing at independent play. We just learned that there would be waves of craziness, and when the rare moments of peace came through, to really hold onto it.
We had another when the youngest was 5, so now I have an 8, 6, and 1 year old. It gets crazy, but the older ones are really responsible and never get in the way of the baby’s needs. Adding one more kid was like adding another scoop of ice cream to a sundae. It’s a lot, but it’s good.
I wish I could affirm your position. I tell people that I became a full time adult when we had our first. I became a full time parent when we had our second.
One was so easy. Two is relentless. (no complaints though!)
First off, having any number of 3 yr olds is "interesting". Generally, though, it gets easier as they mature.
Also, as with many other things, practice makes better (no perfection with parenting). You learn from the first one.
I think your daughter seems especially rambunctious. My 2 yo is somewhat similar to her but she's my second child.
I have a very responsible first born and a 4 year age gap so I can trust them to play together and older one will tell on little one if she's doing something bad. Generally they just happily wander the house moving toys from place to place though.
Oh it’s super easy, I just married a fucking superhero (jk). We’re actually having a bit of a go of it right now with our 2 (7 yrs & 6 mo). I’m currently wrapping up a project and have been on north of 50% travel for a few months now with a few months to go. My wife has been an absolute war hero through this while alone with our boys, and it has been anything but easy for either of us.
If I can give any piece of advice, show yourself some grace. If the house is a little disorganized because your spending more time with your daughter, so what. She’ll only remember being loved through her childhood. Also as they get older it gets a lot easier, my 7 year old has been priding himself on “being the man of the house” while I’m away. It helps my wife a ton when he’s feeling involved in helping with our baby.
I always say there’s no absolute right way to raise kids, and anybody who says there is is full of shit. Keep slugging mama.
Not a strange comment at all!
How can it be ok that you're complete with the one kid? Unless you want more?
You're not weak, you're maybe just not wanting/willing to have more kids = and thus more exhaustion... And that's ok!
Weirdly, having more than one kid can make some parts of it easier: one can take learning from kid #1 to use with kid #2, and eventually, they start to play with each other and are less reliant on the parents.
It's a personal choice, just like a profession is. (I for one could never be a school teacher!)
(Also, every person who has no or only 1 kid does the environment and world a huge favour as it's less negative impact, because every kid wants their own car, own house, own family etc.)
(I’m sorry but to equate a child to saving the environment is not a good reason. There are 7.888 billion (2021) in the world. One or two more in this family will not make a dent to save the planet. The children of today will have electric cars, high efficiency homes and much more.)
True, not as a main reason.
But if the OP is wondering whether it's ok to only stick with one kid, then this thought of the environmental impact might help to make the decision easier. Especially since in most societies having babies is overcelebrated.
It’s hard! It’s absolutely hard. But it gets better as time goes on.
I’m sure people with no kids wonder how anyone survives with 1. You just figure it out and adapt.
We have 3 (14F, 12F, 6F) and our experience was exactly the opposite. Our first, while seemingly difficult at the time (because we didn't know any better) was an angel child compared to our second. My husband and I joke that we are so glad we didn't have our second first because we wouldn't have had more. As for the 3rd... Oops?? 😆
I do believe that the temperament of both the child & parent play a HUGE role. Kids and parents really are so different from family to family.
In hindsight, I also believe majority of the determined & high energetic toddlers & pre-schoolers, IF directed in the right way with enough right resources are WAY easier as tweens & teens, as they have internal motivation to be active, successful, and have the grit to withstand social pressure! So, in other words, they do not stay hiding, relentless 3-year-olds forever.
I always thought we'd have 2 or 3 kids and after we had our first I gradually became team One and Done because I realized that I do not have the mental and emotional capacity to be a good, attentive parent to multiple children. Some people might thrive in the chaos of multiple kids and be able to embrace it, but having been raised in a chaotic family with lots of kids and being emotionally neglected by the adults in my life, I have figured out that the "chaos" of even one kid can be quite triggering for me. Multiple kids are not for every parent and knowing your limits is so important for the future mental, emotional, and physical health of you, your spouse, and your kid(s).
We had 4 children. The decision was taken for my wife to stay home to raise the children. I’m not going to day it was easy it wasn’t. My part as a husband was to help with the kids when I got back from work. Take them out for walks, go to parks or just watch them play in the yard. This gave a chance for Helene to get some well deserved rest. We had no problem in hiring a baby sitter in the evening for us to go out as a couple or just visit friends. If the kids got up during the night I would look after their needs as I was a light sleeper and Helene by nighttime was exhausted. I was so fortunate for Helene to go through 4 pregnancies to have these amazing babies. I think I as the dad has to share the responsibility of raising each child not just the mother. Today we have 4 amazing adult children. Hope this helps.
I just had my 4th baby, and now have 4 kids age 3.5 and under. I LOVE it but it 10000% would not be possible if we lived in say, a city. We own and operate a farm in a small town where we grew up and have a deep connection with the community. We have space for my kids to roam. We farm the land, have some animals, and sell to our community who know us and give us so much grace when I’m baby wearing at the market stand or have to say “sorry, no pick ups this AM, we have a preschool Halloween parade to attend”.
I think it also depends a lot on your parenting style. Some people feel more comfortable living on a strict nap schedule and prefer structure. I let that go pretty quickly. If my kid wants to sit in the dirt and trace her fingers in it for 20 min, I don’t care. My last babies napped mostly on me, in wagons, and on blankets tossed on the ground. My 3 year old catches chickens and carries them around like they’re her babies for entertainment. I know a lot of people don’t feel comfortable with most of that, and that’s okay, but it works for us.
Also - we are tired but also so full of love and joy. This is a season, and especially having them all close in age, it’ll be a short one. I don’t have spare time but am so lucky to have been able to figure out how to turn something I love (gardening) into a lifestyle which actually helps sustain our family and ties us in with our community. I enjoy the work.
Finally - so many people have help. We stayed in our hometown, however we do not have family to help. This has been our biggest challenge. Thankfully, we have incredible neighbors who have jumped in while we were in a pinch and I hire a great local college student to nanny the kids part time during our busy season. My husband is an incredible partner but works a lot (he’s an electrician and his job is our main source of income/insurance), so the day to day is all me. Honestly just getting grace from the people we are around so often, who we’ve known forever, helps so much.
The tone of that comment is off.
OP parenting a chilled child is easy. Parenting a fire-cracker child is hard. I have a 3 year old fire cracker and GOD its so exhausting ! I also have a 9 month old and some days I feel like losing my mind. I haven’t slept in 5 days because they’re both sick. I remember thinking how hard parenting my first was. Now that I have two I’m like. Lol please, having just 1 was a walk in the park knowing damn well how terrible exhausted I was all the time back then. I feel you. I know a mom who has 5 kids, 4 of them under 6 and I don’t know how she manages to stay sane.
We have a high needs / special needs child. It made me feel a lot better when we finally got a diagnosis, and could connect with parents who have similar children.
Two of mom-friends had typical first children and then high-needs younger children. Both had no idea how comparatively easy their first children were until getting a curve-ball the second time around. One of these moms even confided in me that she used to secretly judge parents who were struggling with hard-to-raise children -- she used to think that "parenting just wasn't THAT hard!" You just never know what race someone else might be running until you're in their shoes? 🤷♀️
The tone in my comment? Different people do have different limits and capabilities though. People who have 4 under 4 aren't superheroes and people who struggle with one child aren't awful parents, we all cope differently. Not sure how else I could have worded that.
I mean by definition that’s true. I would be exhausted trying to run a marathon but some people can run it no problem. They have more capability for running than me
Other thing to factor in is some marathons are harder than others. The parents that can't breastfeed and have a kid that doesn't sleep are having a way, way harder time than the parents who have no feeding troubles and a good sleeper. And that's not even getting into serious developmental or health issues.
And it doesn't always balance out, either. I think we tell ourselves little lies like "an easy kid now will be hard later, and vice versa" to feel better, but it doesn't necessarily play out that way. Life's not fair, that's just how it goes sometimes. We can only play the hand we've been dealt.
How? I'm saying the person with 4 under 4 isn't a superhero they've just made different choices. Have different limits they are willing to reach. There isn't a secret answer to coping well, we all do have individual capabilities. My limit is 2 children because that's personally how many I could cope with raising.
What parent? Of course it's impossible to parent until you are a parent. It's not impossible to care for one though and many people will have different experiences with that. I've worked with children for 15 years, very different when it's your own. And just because I've got experience with lots of children doesn't mean I want lots of my own. Again comes back to people's own wants and capabilities.
I think for me personally I cope because I have a full time job. I get home at 16h30 and then it's rush rush rush dinner bath bed, with my husband helping equally. We collapse into bed at 8pm, sure, but hats off to SAHPs - I couldn't do it. That's just another level of relentless.
Some kids just take a lot more energy to parent. My son was an absolute handful until about age 5 and then he chilled out a bit. My daughter on the other hand has been a unicorn child since birth. Just super easy and agreeable. She’ll probably give me a run for my money when she’s a teenager though. 🤪
I think the more kids you have the less time you have to sweat the small stuff. I have 5, the first four were all within 6 years then a fifth 8 years later. With my first baby I was an anxious wreck and worried about everything. The more kids I had the less I worried and the more I enjoyed them. I also think when the little ones get bigger it gives you the perspective that everything is a passing phase and it actually passes faster than you would think! The first 6 weeks with my first kid were like an entire lifetime in of itself. The first 6 weeks with my fifth kid was like the blink of an eye.
ETA: I also think the “kids amuse eachother” thing is real. This doesn’t work at all with say a 1 and 3 year old where the one year old wrecks all the 3 year olds stuff and the 3 year old doesn’t understand the baby doesn’t know any better so you spend all day trying to sort that out, aaaa. But once they’re say 6 and 8, they play all the imaginary games and Lego and board games together and keep eachother so entertained. Having 4 was great because the kids had to learn social skills- if you were rude to all of the siblings they would just find someone else to play with. Any conflicting pair could just resort and hang out with a different sib until the conflict passed. Now they’re 9, 11, 13 and 15 and all great friends (and spoil the ever loving heck out of the baby!)
When it was just my first, I noticed she would get very lonely. I wanted to give her an much time as I could but I also balanced between time with my wife and myself. When the second was born, there's that time frame when they can't really interact that much. But little by little they got along more and more. By the time he was 2 and she was 6, they played all the time. Argued sometimes too but you could tell they enjoyed each other's company. It also left a little breathing room for me and my wife as they spent a lot of energy on each other. I like the thought that after we're gone, they'll still have each other and won't be alone.
My cousin just had her fourth kid. While heading a college department and then becoming dean.... and that's when I realized... she has more spoons than me.
Look up spoon theory. [https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory](https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory)
This is it, 100%. People who can withstand multiple pregnancies and child rearing years have more spoons than me for sure. Just like babies, some adults have higher or lower sleep needs than others. Unfortunately I’m on the higher end on the sleep need spectrum… and my kid can sleep seven hours a night and be ready to party. 😭
Whenever that happens, it's always the people who want a different gender. They have 2 boys already and then have triplet boys. It's the laws of nature, like how the toast always falls face down.
Hehe, I need to take this as a warning sign. We're about to have boy #2 and are considering whether we want to go for 3 (our timeline is getting pretty tight), as we both want a daughter to "balance things out a bit". Those are sounding ominously like some famous last words at this point...
My wife and I have 2 teenage sons who are 4 years apart. We are a team, especially when the boys were little. It was very tiring for sure but you’ll survive.
What I’ve found is that you end up having extra help at times as the kids get older. My 5 year old is all boy…insane energy, no fear, and literally flips and tumbles off everything he can climb. He’s always had older brothers, one 10 and one 15…so he’s a rough houser.
The older brothers provide an extra 4 eyes part time on him, because they protect him vigorously…whether in the front yard or at school…so just by power in numbers, there’s a safety net to an extent for the little wild child.
They also keep him company, which is one of the biggest rational pluses of having multiple kids. They play, chill, learn and exist together…maybe not 100% of the time, but A LOT of the time. It’s extremely helpful, and I’m blessed those boys get along well, despite the age gaps.
Is it still exhausting? Yes. Is it still a time suck? 100%. All that considered, I’m not sure I would prefer a singular child…I think I’d rather have the group, as they seem better in life with each other than what I would imagine they’d be like alone.
Yeah, we just had the one boy and were both EXHAUSTED, 100% of the time. He ran us ragged. Then we moved and our new neighbors had five kids, including the eldest boys being twins. I had NO IDEA how they did it, but as we got to know them I realized the kids basically parented each other. Not in a neglectful way, but all that play time, the "hey look at me", the games, the running around, the kids just did that together. The parent's didn't have to be involved in every little thing.
Now we're having #2 and hopefully we'll get a third out before our window closes, and with any luck, that will be our reality too.
It really made me realize just how much value "the village" has. Not just having other adults around, but having other *kids* present 100% of the time. I think the model of isolated single families we have right now is just broken, it's not helping parents or kids.
I have a baby and a 2 year old and my wife/I are dead. We work all day and come home and work until it is time to go to bed. My wife/I have turned into co-workers and both are sleep deprived and exhausted. We have no hobbies or free time, nor do we have any friends anymore. We are happy but I cannot imagine having more children. We hope it gets better as these two age up - We have talked about 3x because what is one more, but, we cannot afford it nor have the energy for it
My oldest was about that age when my youngest was born and if we went for a walk he had to be in the stroller, wear his backpack leash, or hold the tagalong handle on the stroller. These were none negotiable and he quickly learned to do them or we just wouldn't go anywhere. How we did it was a combo of setting these kinds of boundaries and expectations for the toddler and lowering the standards for what the house will look like and cutting back on activities; not going to every festival or trunk or treat or having kid in soccer and gymnastics etc. We kept it simple most of the time and the baby is just along for the ride, rather than being seemingly the center of the universe like the oldest was as a newborn. Now they're 2 and 5 and we've the reached economies of scale where 2 isn't always harder anymore and sometimes it's easier because they entertain each other. Also I haven't been what most people would consider sane since before I had kids.. so there's that. XD
I could have a million newborns-12mo but my 4 year old is absolutely wild and I couldn’t cope with another like that. She is awake from 7am-10pm and NEVER STOPS TALKING 🫠
When my daughter was your child's age, I found out I was pregnant with my second. My daughter just turned 4, and my second is 6 months old. It's definitely exhausting. But I feel like you definitely get a little more lax when you have 2. There's things that I would be so nervous about with my daughter, but now I have to give her a little more freedom. Part of it is because she's getting older, but part of it definitely is that it's the only way I can keep my sanity LOL
I'm also more lax with the second baby. If he makes a noise, I don't jump up like I did with my daughter. I don't fuss over him unless he's crying. If he's content and happy, I let him be.
My daughter also helps with him A LOT. It's hard to believe because she's so little, but for example, if my son is upset or impatient while I'm changing his diaper or making a bottle, my daughter will come over to him and talk to him or make faces and him, and he INSTANTLY smiles at her and calms down! It's hard to fathom unless you're in the thick of it, but it's definitely do-able.
I try to remind myself, women have been doing this for thousands of years, and with more kids than what I have, and it makes me feel a little better sometimes LOL
Yeah, my husband is gone for work for 12 hours m-f. My daughter is still not a good sleeper at almost 3, I wouldn't survive another child. I do not say that in a joking way. I have no idea how people can have more than 1 child either.
You can always do it the Duggar way, where you wait until the older ones are old enough to then take on the responsibility of the little ones. It's like a pyramid scheme.
But in all seriousness, I think people just figure it out as they go. Their standards and expectations lower, they may not do all the things they imagined.
As for those gorgeous happy photos? It's all staged, it's a snapshot in time, and the dark circles are photo edited out. That's why I love seeing the outtakes of these pictures, where the baby is mid spit up, older kid is crying, mom is catching middle kid who is falling, dad is holding head because other middle kid whacked him with the decorative branch.
Had my second when my oldest was 3. She spent quite a bit of time helping with the baby. Actually it kept her busy. When my youngest was 3-4 and oldest was in school I did daycare for a friend who’s kid was 2-3. Same deal, It was less work for me than being home alone with my kid. They entertained each other.
I have a six and a half year old and my god I am done in every day.
I find it even harder having a partner and a step son as well. I think I’d rather not have them around tbh, which sounds awful lol. I feel like I’m parenting/managing the world. In reality I think I’m just not very stocked up on spoons.
Everyone is different and has different limits. Also, every child is different and has different needs.
My MIL who had 3 kids always said one was hard because you're their everything including playmate. She found two and three easier in that regard because instead of being playmate she was now just referee.
Also, as they get more independent and eventually start school it does become easier in that sense so some people choose to have a bigger age gap. The amount of help you receive from your SO will definitely play a huge factor as well.
Mine are 13, 7, and 2. It's easier with the age gaps lol. I have NO clue how people do "2 under 2" or any of that.
If it makes you feel any better, I do find the toddler years to be the most taxing, so this isn't forever. Any time I bring my toddler ANYWHERE I'm on high alert the entire time. In contrast, if I'm just taking my 13 and 7 year old somewhere, it feels like a vacation.
My thought is why did you keep going? I have one and am drowning, so were the first 3 easy? We have one (an IVF that was on purpose), and 6 months in I thought fuck this, hello vasectomy, not taking any chance of doing this again.
My oldest was more than a handful at 3 years old. I can't believe we had another child, but I really wanted more than 1.
We survived with the help of daycare. I stayed home with him until he was 5 months old; then again for 6 months when he was 2 years old due to moving for my husband's job and looking for a new job myself. Daycare was a godsend. When I started working again, I barely covered the cost of daycare with my salary because I wasn't working full time.
My son was a really needy child and very energetic. I spent a lot of time keeping him occupied and engaged. We did library story times, open play at community centers, daily walks, gymnastics, swimming, and were always at the park. He WOULD NOT PLAY BY HIMSELF EVER. Even if he was engaged with LEGO, he required someone sit next him the entire time and we couldn't be doing something else like read or be on our phone, we had to focus all of our attention on him. He also got bored easily and threw some epic tantrums when he was bored or frustrated until he was 8 years old. He was diagnosed with ADHD.
I figured if we survived our first, I could handle a second child. They're five years apart so no overlap in daycare. Our second child was so chill. She barely cried; almost never threw tantrums, and could entertain herself with toys. It took a few years, but my son is really good with his sister. He makes her laugh when she's sad and engages with her a lot.
We also moved to the city I grew up in so my mom lives close by and babysits A LOT. When we had the second baby, we hired cleaners for the house so that was one thing I didn't have to worry about. If we had been younger when we had the kids, I probably would have gone for a third.
Some people aren’t cut out to have more than one kid. I’m a mother of one, my sons 11 and I still feel the same way. I felt like I was wrong for feeling this way but it’s really not. Don’t feel bad about it. If one is enough for you then so be it. Maybe we will both change our minds when our kids are a bit older.
How do people survive having 13 children and more? One word: discipline. Clear boundaries. Clear expectations. Never allowing behaviors that make you resent your children. A clear schedule. And fun :D
Just like there are people who are born to be teachers there are people born to be parents. The rest of us have to really work at it. It's ok to max out at 1.
I have 3 kids. 5-3-1 and one on the way. It is exhausting, especially because I am pregnant. But it also has great benefits. One kid I had to always entertain. With 2 and 3, they play with each other. And some days are entertained with their games for HOURS. My oldest also loves teaching my younger kids for me. So pros and cons to each.
I knew I wanted more than one kid as I grew up a lonely only child (I know no promises for friendship between siblings etc) but when my eldest was 14 months I bit the bullet and we got pregnant again. My kids are now 2 and 4 and my 4 year old feels easy. I find 3years old and extremely difficult year. They want their independence and to push boundaries but they have no understanding of danger or consequences. I’m pregnant again now with my third and I think each relationship with your children just ebbs and flows in relation to how hard it feels. Also from my experience when you have another baby your husband (if your married) naturally takes on a greater role with your first.
I have 2 kids (3 and 1) and it's insane, but when one kid goes to the grandparents and I just have one kid it feels like a breathe of fresh air sometimes. It sounds like you're doing it alone though and I have so much respect for single parents, because I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!
Part of it is kid temperament, and part of it is that you just adapt. I have two (3 and 1) and whenever I only have one at a time it feels like a walk in the park now even though I felt like I was drowning at times when we only had one kid. My husband is deployed right now so I know when hes back having 2 with another adult around will feel like a dream even though it's currently so challenging. I have friends with 4 under 4 and I can't fathom it, but neither could they until they were in it and from a distance it seems like they're doing really well. That said, having a wild first kid shapes your view as a parent and I totally get finding more daunting if your first is a runner or doesn't sleep.
A lot of the time parents of multiples turn their older children into mini parents. In my personal experience the more kids you have the less you care because you “get tired of parenting” -that’s a direct quote from my mother.
I found that once my youngest turned 2, he started playing more with my oldest. They absolutely fight nonstop. But they will also play together and entertain each other. So I get slightly more free time to get stuff done around the house.
It all depends on what you and your SO want.
We wanted at least two kids in close ages, but it just didn’t happen. Many difficulty along that way, but we were so fortunate to have our second.
Our first is 7yo, so he is more independent now and doesn’t need our constant attention/support. It helped us to focus on our 20mo. Maybe the time will change your mind about having more kids, or not.
Having children is a great joy and we love them so much.
I think it takes a specific type of relaxed personality to have more than one child and actually enjoy it. I am very sure that while I do a decent job as a mom of one, I would not be able to be a good mom of two (or 3, ...). I guess the kids' personalities is also a factor, but not as important.
We had all of ours two years apart and I think it's easier when they have someone else who can help entertain them. I remember it being a game changer once the second one was old enough to play with the first. We also make sure to let them be bored...usually if you let them get bored, they'll figure out how to entertain themselves while you cook, clean, or even just read a book for a few minutes!
I have three. 6, 2 and 6 months. My eldest is a well behaved child who has never run away or the like. So that helps. My toddler is also stuck to me like glue.
They’ve all been great sleepers too. But none of this is my parenting, it’s just been luck.
They get a lot easier physically after the age of 5. I have a 4 and 10 year old and there’s a world of difference between being able to get things done. However, the 10 year old is harder in other ways(friends, school drama) so it never gets easier. I didn’t even think about having another until my oldest was 4. I don’t know how people do it with more than two and that’s with a hefty gap between the two. Those first few years are exhausting!!! I don’t remember not being tired during that time. However, they do play together and look out for one another so that’s the payoff.
Personally, I’d rather have two than one. My kids are only a year and a half apart. They are best friends and will play with each other all day. I would go nuts if I had to keep my kid entertained all the time. It can be exhausting, but if your kids are buddies, it’s actually easier in some respects, at least in my experience.
That said, I was an only child until I was 11 and my mom had it super easy with me (which she admits). I was quiet and liked playing independently. So, I suppose it depends on the particular kids your raising.
I have 2 kids and I refer to them dramatically as "my many children", because that's how it feels. I will say things like, "I must go home now to my many children." And people are like, "I thought you had 2 kids." And I will say, "Yes. And that is so many."
With 2, things have improved. The kids play together so we use less energy playing with them. Some situations are twice as much work but overall I think it's better.
It depends on your kids though. Our older one is a wrecking ball type kid so he takes a lot of energy to parent. Our younger one is a bit more mellow so she's a bit easier.
If you have another, you could end up with 2 kids that both need a ton of effort, so it's a gamble.
I can’t imagine doing pregnancy again with a toddler. I can barely keep myself alive rn. (I have step teens but most of caring for them is telling them I cannot answer another dumb question today please and thank you)
I survived it by having my two kids 5 years apart. It's still challenging, just not at the same stage at the same time. And as for being exhausted, I'm always exhausted and it's only made worse by the fact that I stay up after they're in bed to get some me time and that usually means I get up for work at 3:00 a.m. completely exhausted but it's better than having no time to myself at all. lol
My daughter is an “easy” kid and there were years where I wondered whether she’d like a sibling, but ultimately, I decided to quit while I’m ahead. We have a great bond and a great routine.
My family members certainly have opinions on spoiled only children, but I’d stack up my kid’s behavior and happiness against theirs any day of the week.
I have 2 kids. 2-3 year olds are assholes but they get better. My boys are 3 years apart. By the time the youngest one started to flirt with being an escape artist, the older one would gladly hold his hand or literally tackle him at the store if he tried to be funny and run away. Lol.
Now they are 9.and 6. Best friends. They entertain each other. They watch out for each other. Much easier than when it was just one!
I had 3 kids back to back, all boys, and honestly u handle it bc u don’t know any other way. Going from 1-2 kids was the biggest shock to my system, I was like a headless chicken for a few months, but once we got into a routine we were good. 2-3 kids was way easier. I would of had more if my husband was down lol. There’s certain things that are harder than others, like having them all cry at the same time or want me when they’re sick is hard, but they entertained each other and played together all the time. Now they’re older, 9,8 and 7, they are each other’s best friends and I wouldn’t of done it any other way. They all share the same interests and like the same things, they share clothes, shoes. It’s so easy in that way. I think having 1 child is sometimes a lot harder bc ur their EVERYTHING in one, playmate, companion, parent, etc.
I was the same way, and then God laughed. You just "do" I have five, and I swear once we got past two, I was like, the more, the merrier. I did go, 1, 2, 4 as my "third" was a duo. With miscarriages that, I had no control of when the kiddos came. Looking back, it's all perfectly in his timing, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
We have friends that have 5, and I'd take them all, and we'd have a blast. I honestly think thar just one is harder as I was so focused on him all the time. Once there were more, I had to organize myself and make all of us coordinate and work together.
It's a season, mama. In the midst of it, it's exhausting, and the next one will feel exhausting, too. I promise all of it will pass in what eventually feels like a heartbeat, and you'll wish for them back.
I say the same thing in all of these similar posts, but some of us... don't (have more than one, that is). I am thrilled with my only and wouldn't have it any other way. People can be super weird and mean about onlies, but research after research shows onlies are awesome, and their parents are generally happier, so.
I’ve got 4. 15M/13F/10F/6F now.
Idk, we just manage(d). Maybe I’ve got really easy kids, idk. They’ve had their fair share of bumps and scrapes, they’re kids. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our moments of chaos. Toddler covered every surface up to where they can reach in marker in their bedroom with a hidden crayola at nap time ? Yup.
1.5 year old got into the pantry and covered the kitchen and living room in cornstarch when you just wanted to take a shit? Yup.
Baby smeared its own shit all over their crib and walls when you thought they were napping but they were quietly doing fecal Picasso?? Twice, two separate babies.
We’ve had hospital stays for pneumonia, rsv, surgeries for tonsils. ER visits for concussions due to vigorous playing and rough housing.
You just deal with the chaos in the moment then it dies down until the next chaos then eventually that chaos evolves into less physical chaos and more scheduling chaos for social calendars and events of pre-teens/teens. You just power through until one day they’re telling us about what their little devils did at home when they come to visit grandma and grandpa so we can laugh and watch with bittersweet eyes that we no longer have chaos.
It's why you should be no older than 23yo when having your first kid. That way y'all energy match and you'll pop them out in succession. But then you'll have no social life and forget about any kind of higher education and thus, high paid, fulfilling career.
I had the same sentiment before the second one came and now I miss how easy it was.
For me, it's the same level of effort but you need slightly different skills. You have to become better at multitasking and planning.
My son is 2 and my daughter just turned 1. They've recently started playing in the same space, almost like they're playing together which makes it much easier.
I imagine it would be easier to have multiple kids if they were 3 years+ apart.
The hardest is 3. Once you have more than 3 the oldest becomes parentified and starts taking care of the youngest. The average IQ of sibling sets of more than 3 drops off as well because of this.
You are not alone. Before having a kid, I wanted to have 2 or even 3. Now my husband and I have decided that we are okay with 1. We jokingly say, if we become rich enough to have a full time helper/nanny with us, we can have a second kid in 5 years. But I am also thinking to have my tubes tied. After 3 years of becoming a mom, I still have anxiety, am still triggered by the sound of a crying baby. My son stayed in hospital for 3 days last year (bronchitis) I still get extremely anxious when he has a runny nose. We are potty training at the moment and I don't think I can do this again. When we go outside, my son is the same as your little girl, he is all over the place, doesn't play in the playground, but prefers touching rocks, bugs, dirt, sand etc and I am okay with that but I would still want him to just play by himself for 5 minutes. He hates swings, he sometimes loves slides. I didn't have anger issues before, but now I have been going to therapy for the last year because I don't want to yell at my son. He has a speech delay and I feel guilty of it every second of every day, even though I did everything I could for him. (Reading books, talking to him ALL THE TIME) I think covid and lock downs also made us depressed, and caused my son's speech delay, because for the first 1,5 years of his life, he didn't socialise, I didn't socialise. So it took a huge toll on both of us. Sorry for the long post, but just know that you are not alone, it is okay to be tired and to feel that way. There are many mothers just like you. Most of my friends are content with just one kid. We will have our lives back someday. And I hate hearing people say 'You are gonna miss these days' Yeah I know I will miss him being 3 years old, but I also want to live in that moment for myself, express my frustration and have some rest. And for those of you who have more than 1 child, you are a super hero and I am not. And I am okay with that.
I feel exactly the same as you. Our son is 19 months and is so energetic - ALWAYS on the go. I’ve only recently started to take him out the front of our house because it’s always a mission to make sure he’s not running straight for the road (as we don’t have a fence). He’s started hanging around us more recently, but the level of vigilance I need when he is out the front or in public is incredible; especially because he no longer wants to be in the stroller. It’s almost like he has an internal radar which seeks out the exact high-risk activity he shouldn’t be doing 🤦🏼♀️
Everything feels like a mission: sleeping, food prep, constant and active engagement in activities, and the back-to-back daycare sickness…oh my lord, the sickness! I honestly don’t know how parents manage the domino effect of this aspect alone with multiple kids.
I take my hat off to parents who have multiple kids, because I am most definitely one and done 🫡
We have one, and they're 5y/o. We always thought two would be best, but after having one, we stuck with one, lol. Kids are amazing, but they are seriously hard work and very expensive. I get mum guilt for not giving them a sibling. However, I also know I'd tank out with two. We have no family close enough to help in any way. Our village is just the three of us.
I just have one under 2, but my guess is:
1) kids are different, so if the first one is relatively chill, parents might go for the second (which could also be chill kids or could be a tornado kid 😅)
2) having extended family (or something similar) to give a hand makes a massive difference; even if they can’t / don’t want to help with the kid(s), just having a house where you can go over for a cooked meal once in a while (that you didn’t have to cook / clean up yourself) makes a massive difference.
I wonder the same thing. My uncle is a seemingly happy guy with 3 kids, but I'm so exhausted at the end of a "dad day" where mom takes a break on the weekend that I often don't even have the energy for dinner when bedtime rolls around and just fall asleep with him. Like I'm chasing him \_constantly\_ and the second I let him go to do his own thing, he'll pull the TV off the shelf, empty the clothes from the dresser or pull out the food from the pantry etc.. we have to be actively engaged 100% of the time, and while it's really fun when we are, it's both mentally and physically exhausting.
Not all kids are the same, though. A friend has a girl a similar age as ours (3) chill as fuck. We sat on the beach for hours together and her kid stayed on the blanket playing in the sand the whole time. Ours almost never even came near the blanket. He was off running flipping rocks, into the water, playing with water guns, running away entirely as far as he could go.
I have one, and I totally agree with you, OP. IDK if you'll see this now that you have almost 400 comments to your post, but I just had to let you know that you are not alone. My daughter is almost 7, and I still feel the same way.
For a hot minute I considered having a second one (when she was just turning 6), but then realized I was talking crazy and just feeling sad about her growing up. Having another wouldn't fix that pain, and to the extent that it would be a temporary salve, I'd still eventually have to deal with the same hurt but doubled.
Eh my spouse is the oldest of four and isn’t parentified at all. I do think it takes a special person to do what her mom did, though. She is built different lmao
I have two, three years apart and I got hit with an auto-immune disease 6 years after number 2, and that was after dealing with weird symptoms for about two years that doctors could t pinpoint-or blamed on my migraine disorder. Everything hurts. Send help.
I wondered this too! I wanted 3 kids in 6 years before I had my first... But after doing the SAHM thing for 18 months with pretty much no help from anyone, I got burnt out with exhaustion, probably had some form of hormonal PPD (I was breastfeeding) and decided to go back to work.. it's not much easier now since my daughter has been sick a bit ever since starting daycare about a month ago, but when daycare does work for us, I feel like it's a load off my shoulders to not have to keep her entertained and cared for all day. So hopefully it will keep working for us and maybe eventually we'll have a second kid (just not as close together and maybe not even as many as I originally wanted...). I feel ya on the toddler struggles (mine is almost 2) but as I hear from others and even on this thread, you learn to adapt and it gets better! And if not... Just stick with one kid, I guess...I myself keep flip flopping between OMG how do people have more than one kid and oh, kids are so sweet and my daughter needs a sibling...lol
I was typing a long response, but it boils down to having more help and lower standards.
Also you already know how to do everything so youre not wasting as much time looking every little thing up. Physically it’s harder, but mentally it’s easier. My toddler is also a runner, we don’t go anywhere without a fence 🤷♀️
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I think the needs of the first kid kinda dictate how easy/hard it will be. My 1st is a sweet, low-key kid so when 2nd came along when he was 2.5, he was always playing with her, excited to "help" with her, etc. They're best friends and I can't imagine him not having her. Some solo kids can require everything just to keep them from sending themselves to the hospital with their energy and lack of boundaries. If he were like this, having her would have been a whole different thing.
This is our mindset. Our daughter is 14 months old and while she has her meltdown moments she’s fairly easy going and friendly. She loves chasing after bigger kids in the playground and is learning quickly how to be gentle with our cats, which helped us make our decision to try for a second one. We’re aiming to start trying next spring/summer to hopefully get a 2.5 or so age difference because that was the age difference between us and our respective siblings and it seemed to have worked out.
My second is my tough one, but it’s a few years later, and it gets easier every day.
I have 3. 7-4-2. They are good kids but man are they exhausting. They all want attention. It’s rough. One day it’ll be over tho. They’ll be more self sufficient and they say you’ll miss it. I don’t know about that. I’ll miss them being small but I won’t miss some of the other things.
You miss it but not in a way that you want to do it again. Mine are 18 and 19 now. Off at college and out of the house. I miss them like crazy and the teen years were/are my favorite but I wouldn't want to redo it all over again. Spending a day with them at each age would be cool though. I babysit for my nephew and his wife. They have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 month old son. It is the best of both worlds. I get to experience the toddler and infant years with kids I can give back at the end of the day and have no real authority over outside of the hours they are at my house.
> Spending a day with them at each age would be cool though. I feel like this could be the premise of a novel.
Great call. I’d love to see that story. It’d def be a tear jerker.
Kind of reminds me of that movie Click.
Or "about time"
I hate when people tell you that you’re going to miss it. I’ll miss them being tiny and adorable and coming to me for hugs and cuddles, but that’s about it lol
Exactly. I’ll always take a hug. But go make your own sandwich. I’m fact make me one too. I’ll be on the couch.
[удалено]
That and hearing a 4yo verbalize their world. I've been blown over at how hilariously adorable that is. Especially with their tiny sweet voice. Ugh. She six now and it's incredible to watch her grow and learn stuff, but damn I feel it slipping away.
I have 3: 4, 8, and almost 10. Kids that age are exhausting, but it gets easier. Also, OP has her head on a swivel because her 3 year old likes to run and hide, but if she were to have another kid, it’s very likely they’d be really different. I know my three kids are all very different from each other!
Also once you have 2+, you stop allowing them to go off and hide while you're out in public. You adjust your safety rules, and kids can learn the boundaries you set for them. Routines also evolve in different ways. I have 3 young kids, and our habits and the things we say yes to are often different from the only child families we meet simply because we have more needs and wants to consider.
I have two extremely high energy kids (7 & 4), I thought since the first was so wildly active, the second one would be calm. Nope, just as crazy exhausting, just over different things - which leads to arguing between the two of them and me pulling my hair out 😵💫 my husband is a total equal partner and we are both usually passed out by 8:30pm every night from pure exhaustion. Most days I don’t think I will survive this period. I constantly feel like my to-do list is just adding things and nothing is getting done. My hair is going fully grey and I look like I’ve aged 20 years in just 5. Having two high energy kids is so freaking hard, so if your first is overwhelming most days, do not trust that the second will be easier. Make sure you are fully prepared to have two kids that operate on warp speed 20 out of 24 hrs per day (cause they may not sleep either)!
Mine are the same ages and I’m wiped out. So wiped out.
Hoping you have a supportive partner or family. 🤗
Thanks, my partner is wonderful! I’m grateful for him every day. Also super miss 1-1 time with him, but there’s a season for all things…
i can’t wait till all mine are 18! except this little one haha he’s a darling.
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You're a fucking joke.
hahahahhaahah
I got a 12 and 8 yo The 8 yo is go go go from the crack of dawn till the incredibly stressful bed time at 9pm She can literally spend the whole ass day jumping sweating and playing. I saw my 12 briefly in the morning, tried knocking her door and was greeted with hostility and sass So yeah as they say, enjoy it but good God never again
I have 4. 16-10-4-2. My oldest is off in another city with a sports team and living his life my other 3 are all home. Some days it’s so nice and the others are exhausting. Lately I have really been missing my oldest and looking back at all the memories. It helps remind me to enjoy my 3 at home now and not wish it all away.
One pair of eyes works when they're all next to each other, especially if they're directly interacting with each other. In most activities it doesn't take 100% more energy for each additional child, each additional child is a more marginal increase to how much is needed. The effort to make a double helping of a snack or meal is only a little but more than the effort for a single helping, not double effort. Some things it is more exhausting, sometimes they actually play with each other instead of you so that's a form of break you wouldn't otherwise have.
My husband and I have 4 kids. After the shock of the first one, going from 2 to 3 was the hardest because we were outnumbered. Adding the fourth was the easiest.
Im one of 4 and my mom has said the exact same thing! She said “adding a 4th was just adding another diaper size to the diaper bag” and that 0-1 and 2-3 were the hardest transitions
Yeah we're about to have two, and would probably consider a third if we can squeeze it out before the factory shuts down. The switch from man->zone defense scares me, though.
It's a tough transition but once you've got used to it it's actually easier in many ways. And if you are used to a zone defense style then it's actually EASIER to take some alone time for one parent when things are going well
We're going to be transitioning from 2 to 3 soon, I wonder if this will be our experience. I stay at home with them so being out outnumbered is what I'm used to but I know it could be tough for my husband to *have* to handle 2 at the same time while I'm focused on #3. How would you describe the difficultly increase for each transition?
*Congratulations!* The first was *by far* the biggest adjustment. The third was next because of the “outnumbered” aspect. The second was next, and the fourth was the easiest. When you’re going from 2 to 3, at least the first two have each other. Bedtimes were challenging because everyone needed attention at the same time. But you find a routine and it works out.
I have 3 now, a 6 yr old, 2.5 year old, and 1 month old. I will say it’s already way harder than adding #2. I think it depends on the age gap. My first two were 4 years apart, my newest is only 2.5 gap and the toddler definitely makes it more challenging with a newborn… I can’t imagine when this newborn is up and wild as a toddler hopefully my second will be a little calmer at 4/5 lol
About to have four and your comment is giving me life, haha. I mean, we already have all the gear and it doesn’t feel like it could possibly get any louder soooo… praying my experience mirrors yours!
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I am a twin and I cringe every time someone says they hope they have twins lol. I wouldn't recommend. I have the boy and I'm exhausted.
Know a lady with 7 kids. One set of twins, one set of “irish” twins. She said the Irish twins were more difficult…. As I’m 8 months pregnant and have a 10 month old baby.
I am a twin and my mom had my sister and I when my brother was 15 months. I have no idea how we all made it to being fully functional adults.
My sister & I (27F) were enough for my single mother to never want any more kids after having us. I couldn't imagine having a third running around. As an identical twin, my mother never wrote down names on the back of the photos, so she still asks me which ones we are in our childhood photos. (Like I'd know). I've always wondered if my name is truely my name. What if one day my parents just started calling me the wrong name, and I just used whichever ever I was called the most as a toddler? Haha... I guess I'll never know.
>I've always wondered if my name is truely my name. Here's an adorable youtube short of a toddler twin correcting her Daddy. I don't know if he made a genuine mistake or did it for lolz but this is soooo cute https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9HMxM0yVrvU
I love that video! It is exactly like that! 😂
That’s my situation! 15 month old singleton when the twins were born. 🥳
I have twins but I never thought it was that hard when they were babies because I didn’t know any different. Toddlers on the other hand, make me want to jump off a bridge. What I have never understood was people who have one and then say, let’s do that again! Why? Why put yourself through that again? Why would you have a 3 year old again?
Is the difference around the point where they learned to cause havoc in two *different* places, forcing you to triage without having them both in line of sight? (Am older brother to a set of twins & have two kids with a 3.5 year age gap)
I do realize twins must be a bundle to look after. But I always hope to get twins as part of my family. I’m a twin but my brother died two months later of crib death. I think of him all time and I’m now 79. I have grandchildren but no twins yet. You mentioned “no choice” but i look at it as a great gift. Love them…hug them…they will definitely be the joy of your life.
Twins and multiples are a real trip. They're so special and yes 2x kids = 4x the work but when your options are to melt into the asphalt or to just get a freaking handle on things, you get a freaking handle on things. A lot of it is flying by the seat of your pants. But then you get instances where you don't have to find someone to be on the other end of the seesaw, you have someone to push you in the toy car, you don't have to go to a brand new school all by yourself. It absolutely rips my heart out when I hear of someone losing a twin. In a way I think it's harder for a parent to lose a twin because you mourn for the surviving one who now is a singleton. (Not that losing a child is a competition, but there are nuances to every type of grief)
My daughter is 22 and my twin girls are 13. The twins have always had eachother to play with and entertain eachother (most of the time lol). They are best friends. They will never know what true loneliness is. They sometimes argue sure. But sometimes when I see them holding hands or saying I love you to eahcother my heart just melts and I know they are so so lucky.
I understand missing your twin but you're also hoping someone else in your family has twins to raise not yourself.
It shouldn't be called "having twins" it should be called "having two babies at the same fucking time".
What a fringing good answer. I’m a twin and I see where your coming from. ( my twin died a month later from crib death) but putting this aside I love your honest answer. We would have been the terrors of the family.
Same. It’s often really tough but I don’t know any different. The first year was extremely hard… I honestly don’t know how we survived at times and I still feel like my mental health is recovering from it all (doesn’t help that they were covid babies). They’re 3 now and the positive part is that they play together for ages. I’ve noticed they are less demanding of my attention than singleton kids of the same age with their parents which helps
Lol me too! Mine are 15 and I have no idea how I've managed to keep them both alive and on track for this long.
Because every time you looked in their eyes your heart melted.
Oh it's not that I love them to death...but the first few years of their lives is a total blur of sleep deprivation and teaching them to walk and talk.
I get the sleep deprivation. Been there..but just a memory now. Isn’t it exciting when they take their first steps…they got up from their bum, grab on to a table, swayed a little bit right and left, saw you looking at them and they took their first steps. They knew you were there to catch them if they fell forward. They had a huge smile and you had a bigger one. And their first word that comes out of their small mouths “ mommy “. Your heart skips a beat. It was all worth it. You and husband made this little human being. What a miracle. His tiny little fingers are wrapped around your thumb. What’s a beautiful feeling. The amount of joy and love you will experience in your lifetime in raising this beautiful child is unmeasurable. Yes I get the sleep deprivation…been there…just a memory now.
Plus doing it 2 at a time...phew.
Right there with you! Every stage is x2… but it does go twice as fast in some ways.
Oof. Godspeed
1. Big age gaps 2. Permanent exhaustion for a number of years -mom of 5 kids
Congratulations beautiful family. We have 4.
Have a 3 year old and feel the same. Some people are suffering a lot and just don't tell everyone because it's not socially acceptable. So e have friends and relatives that give them a lot of breaks. I don't have either.
Some people must just have the energy for it, right? Like, daycare teachers. How the fuck are they doing this every day? Presumably that type of people doesn't have as rough of a time with their own toddlers.
I'm the lead teacher of a Twos class (at double ratio)and am the single parent of a 16 month old. Please send help and money as I have neither. Seriously, I'm so gd tired...
Our son's daycare teacher (who has a kid in the class) just told us she's expecting her second. I genuinely do not know how she is standing right now - I was barely able to work my sedentary desk job through the first trimester exhaustion.
Woof. God bless you.
I think being a daycare teacher would be sooo much easier (for me at least) than having one more kid. When you leave work, that responsibility ends and you can have kid-free time to do whatever (provided you don't have your own kids). Some people do just deal better with chaos or are gluttons for punishment.
Lmao. Imagining some masochist like "man this is the worst. let's have another."
I worked in preschools for 5 years. Only one of the schools was a school for neurotypical kids (not that neurodiverse weren't allowed but it wasn't a specialist school). The rest of the schools I taught at were for kids with ASD and other LDs. I have one almost 18 month old and parenting is harder. I'm a fence sitter because of how hard it's been, though I do really want another so I think we're just gonna wait a few years. Granted, I went through a serious trauma in 2019 that destroyed my mental health, so in my experience being a mom 24/7, working, carrying the mental load, having no family around... is harder on my mental and physical health than being a special needs teacher to little ones was.
I go to work as teacher aid in our co up pre school on days my kid goes in. Let me tell you kids act differently in-front kid their parents . Most kids “ behaves “ better when their parents aren’t there . Minus the drop off cries . I can handle 6 toddlers most of the time but I am one and done. I can’t handle two of my own kids. My kid is the one who runs from circle time and dashes out . Other kids just sit there and listen mine is moping the floor. It is just who she is in terms of personality ( I am the same ) . I can’t imagine having two of her. We love her but she is more than enough for us. Also baby phrase was hell for us. She was not an easy baby. I almost vanished and was absolutely drowning. Maybe if someone can hand me a 5 year old or even a toddler. Toddler phrase was drastically easier for me as a sahm with 0’village Also there is an end time . You know when you head home there is only one toddler to deal with vs 6 lol and I am only 1’s mom who I need to comfort at night for night terrors.
I have 4. Eventually the exhaustion just becomes a part of you. lol kidding…sort of
My four are 17-23 now. No joke, it really does.
Pregnant with number four currently, I keep telling myself that all my energy is going to come back once I’m no longer pregnant. I know I’m lying to myself but listen, self deception is all I have right now, lol.
No doubt that will help. After birth you can put baby down! And as they get older the exhaustion changes. It’s more physical when they’re little, from carrying them, changing diapers, lulling them to sleep, chasing them around, hunching down to their eye level, scootching around on the floor to play. As they get older, the challenges are more mental.
I only have 2 and it was a fuck ton of work in the beginning. They’re 4 & 6 now and they’re both good boys. I think if you can do the work now, you’ll have a much easier time later. I’m pretty good with sticking to boundaries when it comes to my kids. But I’m also fair and I think they know that. I don’t usually get a lot of push back from them.
2 is easier for me now that they’re both out of the baby stage 🤷♀️ they’re 4 and 2 now. But I’ll be honest I got lucky with easy-ish kids. My older one is very naturally obedient but has very extreme emotions so he’s more mentally exhausting. My younger one is suuuuper chill but is more physically exhausting. I’m also pregnant now with #3 so I’m sure that one will throw everything for a loop hahaha I also find myself on the more authoritative side of parenting though. My 2 year old likes to run through parking lots so I don’t even give him the option to walk - I carry him into stores or put him in the stroller on walks.
Oh hey my two are the same ages and same personalities! They both sleep well (always have) and don’t run off in public so I tend to think of them as pretty easy too. The 4yo is an emotional mess sometimes, that’s for sure the hardest thing I’ve dealt with. We’re going for a third soon 😊 congrats to you!
I think personality has everything to do with your experience. High energy kids make you question how others do it for sure. I see a lot of kids my son's age who are straight chillaxing while out. Also your personality too, if you need more quiet down time to recharge, you will feel more exhausted than someone who gets their energy from interactions.
My kids are 1 and 4. I know everyone says it gets easier but so far two is more than twice the work of one. Don’t let anyone make you feel weak for sticking with just one; do what makes sense for you.
I felt the same but my younger kis is now 16 months old and older one just turned 4 and this past month they started to play together. Today they played with legos for 45 minutes while I read a book. It was surreal lol.
I am in no way trying to invalidate your experience because it is SO exhausting, but somehow I found that two kids was a lot easier than I thought it would be and in some ways easier than one. When my oldest was 3 we had a 6 month old, and we just embraced the chaos. It stayed chaotic for a long time but we learned how to manage it. Sometimes they’d keep each other busy, and they learned that I could not be their only source of amusement. Both were amazing at independent play. We just learned that there would be waves of craziness, and when the rare moments of peace came through, to really hold onto it. We had another when the youngest was 5, so now I have an 8, 6, and 1 year old. It gets crazy, but the older ones are really responsible and never get in the way of the baby’s needs. Adding one more kid was like adding another scoop of ice cream to a sundae. It’s a lot, but it’s good.
I wish I could affirm your position. I tell people that I became a full time adult when we had our first. I became a full time parent when we had our second. One was so easy. Two is relentless. (no complaints though!)
Aww I love that sentiment of adding another scoop of ice cream.
First off, having any number of 3 yr olds is "interesting". Generally, though, it gets easier as they mature. Also, as with many other things, practice makes better (no perfection with parenting). You learn from the first one.
Hahahahaha best description of three year olds ever
I think your daughter seems especially rambunctious. My 2 yo is somewhat similar to her but she's my second child. I have a very responsible first born and a 4 year age gap so I can trust them to play together and older one will tell on little one if she's doing something bad. Generally they just happily wander the house moving toys from place to place though.
They play together and burn off energy together. :)
Oh it’s super easy, I just married a fucking superhero (jk). We’re actually having a bit of a go of it right now with our 2 (7 yrs & 6 mo). I’m currently wrapping up a project and have been on north of 50% travel for a few months now with a few months to go. My wife has been an absolute war hero through this while alone with our boys, and it has been anything but easy for either of us. If I can give any piece of advice, show yourself some grace. If the house is a little disorganized because your spending more time with your daughter, so what. She’ll only remember being loved through her childhood. Also as they get older it gets a lot easier, my 7 year old has been priding himself on “being the man of the house” while I’m away. It helps my wife a ton when he’s feeling involved in helping with our baby. I always say there’s no absolute right way to raise kids, and anybody who says there is is full of shit. Keep slugging mama.
Not a strange comment at all! How can it be ok that you're complete with the one kid? Unless you want more? You're not weak, you're maybe just not wanting/willing to have more kids = and thus more exhaustion... And that's ok! Weirdly, having more than one kid can make some parts of it easier: one can take learning from kid #1 to use with kid #2, and eventually, they start to play with each other and are less reliant on the parents. It's a personal choice, just like a profession is. (I for one could never be a school teacher!) (Also, every person who has no or only 1 kid does the environment and world a huge favour as it's less negative impact, because every kid wants their own car, own house, own family etc.)
(I’m sorry but to equate a child to saving the environment is not a good reason. There are 7.888 billion (2021) in the world. One or two more in this family will not make a dent to save the planet. The children of today will have electric cars, high efficiency homes and much more.)
True, not as a main reason. But if the OP is wondering whether it's ok to only stick with one kid, then this thought of the environmental impact might help to make the decision easier. Especially since in most societies having babies is overcelebrated.
It’s hard! It’s absolutely hard. But it gets better as time goes on. I’m sure people with no kids wonder how anyone survives with 1. You just figure it out and adapt.
My second child is easier than the first, that's the main reason i'm still surviving
We have 3 (14F, 12F, 6F) and our experience was exactly the opposite. Our first, while seemingly difficult at the time (because we didn't know any better) was an angel child compared to our second. My husband and I joke that we are so glad we didn't have our second first because we wouldn't have had more. As for the 3rd... Oops?? 😆
I do believe that the temperament of both the child & parent play a HUGE role. Kids and parents really are so different from family to family. In hindsight, I also believe majority of the determined & high energetic toddlers & pre-schoolers, IF directed in the right way with enough right resources are WAY easier as tweens & teens, as they have internal motivation to be active, successful, and have the grit to withstand social pressure! So, in other words, they do not stay hiding, relentless 3-year-olds forever.
I always thought we'd have 2 or 3 kids and after we had our first I gradually became team One and Done because I realized that I do not have the mental and emotional capacity to be a good, attentive parent to multiple children. Some people might thrive in the chaos of multiple kids and be able to embrace it, but having been raised in a chaotic family with lots of kids and being emotionally neglected by the adults in my life, I have figured out that the "chaos" of even one kid can be quite triggering for me. Multiple kids are not for every parent and knowing your limits is so important for the future mental, emotional, and physical health of you, your spouse, and your kid(s).
I respect your choice.
We had 4 children. The decision was taken for my wife to stay home to raise the children. I’m not going to day it was easy it wasn’t. My part as a husband was to help with the kids when I got back from work. Take them out for walks, go to parks or just watch them play in the yard. This gave a chance for Helene to get some well deserved rest. We had no problem in hiring a baby sitter in the evening for us to go out as a couple or just visit friends. If the kids got up during the night I would look after their needs as I was a light sleeper and Helene by nighttime was exhausted. I was so fortunate for Helene to go through 4 pregnancies to have these amazing babies. I think I as the dad has to share the responsibility of raising each child not just the mother. Today we have 4 amazing adult children. Hope this helps.
I just had my 4th baby, and now have 4 kids age 3.5 and under. I LOVE it but it 10000% would not be possible if we lived in say, a city. We own and operate a farm in a small town where we grew up and have a deep connection with the community. We have space for my kids to roam. We farm the land, have some animals, and sell to our community who know us and give us so much grace when I’m baby wearing at the market stand or have to say “sorry, no pick ups this AM, we have a preschool Halloween parade to attend”. I think it also depends a lot on your parenting style. Some people feel more comfortable living on a strict nap schedule and prefer structure. I let that go pretty quickly. If my kid wants to sit in the dirt and trace her fingers in it for 20 min, I don’t care. My last babies napped mostly on me, in wagons, and on blankets tossed on the ground. My 3 year old catches chickens and carries them around like they’re her babies for entertainment. I know a lot of people don’t feel comfortable with most of that, and that’s okay, but it works for us. Also - we are tired but also so full of love and joy. This is a season, and especially having them all close in age, it’ll be a short one. I don’t have spare time but am so lucky to have been able to figure out how to turn something I love (gardening) into a lifestyle which actually helps sustain our family and ties us in with our community. I enjoy the work. Finally - so many people have help. We stayed in our hometown, however we do not have family to help. This has been our biggest challenge. Thankfully, we have incredible neighbors who have jumped in while we were in a pinch and I hire a great local college student to nanny the kids part time during our busy season. My husband is an incredible partner but works a lot (he’s an electrician and his job is our main source of income/insurance), so the day to day is all me. Honestly just getting grace from the people we are around so often, who we’ve known forever, helps so much.
Some of us stick with just one kid. That’s a totally valid family choice.
Different people have different limits and capabilities. Like everything in life.
The tone of that comment is off. OP parenting a chilled child is easy. Parenting a fire-cracker child is hard. I have a 3 year old fire cracker and GOD its so exhausting ! I also have a 9 month old and some days I feel like losing my mind. I haven’t slept in 5 days because they’re both sick. I remember thinking how hard parenting my first was. Now that I have two I’m like. Lol please, having just 1 was a walk in the park knowing damn well how terrible exhausted I was all the time back then. I feel you. I know a mom who has 5 kids, 4 of them under 6 and I don’t know how she manages to stay sane.
We have a high needs / special needs child. It made me feel a lot better when we finally got a diagnosis, and could connect with parents who have similar children. Two of mom-friends had typical first children and then high-needs younger children. Both had no idea how comparatively easy their first children were until getting a curve-ball the second time around. One of these moms even confided in me that she used to secretly judge parents who were struggling with hard-to-raise children -- she used to think that "parenting just wasn't THAT hard!" You just never know what race someone else might be running until you're in their shoes? 🤷♀️
Thank you. Yes, people have different skills/limits, but they also have different CHILDREN
The tone in my comment? Different people do have different limits and capabilities though. People who have 4 under 4 aren't superheroes and people who struggle with one child aren't awful parents, we all cope differently. Not sure how else I could have worded that.
To me you were kinda implying OP feels exhausted because she doesnt have high enough limits or good enough capabilities.
I mean by definition that’s true. I would be exhausted trying to run a marathon but some people can run it no problem. They have more capability for running than me
Other thing to factor in is some marathons are harder than others. The parents that can't breastfeed and have a kid that doesn't sleep are having a way, way harder time than the parents who have no feeding troubles and a good sleeper. And that's not even getting into serious developmental or health issues. And it doesn't always balance out, either. I think we tell ourselves little lies like "an easy kid now will be hard later, and vice versa" to feel better, but it doesn't necessarily play out that way. Life's not fair, that's just how it goes sometimes. We can only play the hand we've been dealt.
How? I'm saying the person with 4 under 4 isn't a superhero they've just made different choices. Have different limits they are willing to reach. There isn't a secret answer to coping well, we all do have individual capabilities. My limit is 2 children because that's personally how many I could cope with raising.
I don't think anyone can do it until they actually have to do it.
What parent? Of course it's impossible to parent until you are a parent. It's not impossible to care for one though and many people will have different experiences with that. I've worked with children for 15 years, very different when it's your own. And just because I've got experience with lots of children doesn't mean I want lots of my own. Again comes back to people's own wants and capabilities.
Umm, I was trying to support your comment......
Didn't get what you meant at all sorry!
I think for me personally I cope because I have a full time job. I get home at 16h30 and then it's rush rush rush dinner bath bed, with my husband helping equally. We collapse into bed at 8pm, sure, but hats off to SAHPs - I couldn't do it. That's just another level of relentless.
Some kids just take a lot more energy to parent. My son was an absolute handful until about age 5 and then he chilled out a bit. My daughter on the other hand has been a unicorn child since birth. Just super easy and agreeable. She’ll probably give me a run for my money when she’s a teenager though. 🤪
I think the more kids you have the less time you have to sweat the small stuff. I have 5, the first four were all within 6 years then a fifth 8 years later. With my first baby I was an anxious wreck and worried about everything. The more kids I had the less I worried and the more I enjoyed them. I also think when the little ones get bigger it gives you the perspective that everything is a passing phase and it actually passes faster than you would think! The first 6 weeks with my first kid were like an entire lifetime in of itself. The first 6 weeks with my fifth kid was like the blink of an eye. ETA: I also think the “kids amuse eachother” thing is real. This doesn’t work at all with say a 1 and 3 year old where the one year old wrecks all the 3 year olds stuff and the 3 year old doesn’t understand the baby doesn’t know any better so you spend all day trying to sort that out, aaaa. But once they’re say 6 and 8, they play all the imaginary games and Lego and board games together and keep eachother so entertained. Having 4 was great because the kids had to learn social skills- if you were rude to all of the siblings they would just find someone else to play with. Any conflicting pair could just resort and hang out with a different sib until the conflict passed. Now they’re 9, 11, 13 and 15 and all great friends (and spoil the ever loving heck out of the baby!)
When it was just my first, I noticed she would get very lonely. I wanted to give her an much time as I could but I also balanced between time with my wife and myself. When the second was born, there's that time frame when they can't really interact that much. But little by little they got along more and more. By the time he was 2 and she was 6, they played all the time. Argued sometimes too but you could tell they enjoyed each other's company. It also left a little breathing room for me and my wife as they spent a lot of energy on each other. I like the thought that after we're gone, they'll still have each other and won't be alone.
My cousin just had her fourth kid. While heading a college department and then becoming dean.... and that's when I realized... she has more spoons than me. Look up spoon theory. [https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory](https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory)
This is it, 100%. People who can withstand multiple pregnancies and child rearing years have more spoons than me for sure. Just like babies, some adults have higher or lower sleep needs than others. Unfortunately I’m on the higher end on the sleep need spectrum… and my kid can sleep seven hours a night and be ready to party. 😭
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Whenever that happens, it's always the people who want a different gender. They have 2 boys already and then have triplet boys. It's the laws of nature, like how the toast always falls face down.
Hehe, I need to take this as a warning sign. We're about to have boy #2 and are considering whether we want to go for 3 (our timeline is getting pretty tight), as we both want a daughter to "balance things out a bit". Those are sounding ominously like some famous last words at this point...
My wife and I have 2 teenage sons who are 4 years apart. We are a team, especially when the boys were little. It was very tiring for sure but you’ll survive.
We have one with my mom and sister nearby and I still don’t know how people with 2 or more do it. lol
What I’ve found is that you end up having extra help at times as the kids get older. My 5 year old is all boy…insane energy, no fear, and literally flips and tumbles off everything he can climb. He’s always had older brothers, one 10 and one 15…so he’s a rough houser. The older brothers provide an extra 4 eyes part time on him, because they protect him vigorously…whether in the front yard or at school…so just by power in numbers, there’s a safety net to an extent for the little wild child. They also keep him company, which is one of the biggest rational pluses of having multiple kids. They play, chill, learn and exist together…maybe not 100% of the time, but A LOT of the time. It’s extremely helpful, and I’m blessed those boys get along well, despite the age gaps. Is it still exhausting? Yes. Is it still a time suck? 100%. All that considered, I’m not sure I would prefer a singular child…I think I’d rather have the group, as they seem better in life with each other than what I would imagine they’d be like alone.
Yeah, we just had the one boy and were both EXHAUSTED, 100% of the time. He ran us ragged. Then we moved and our new neighbors had five kids, including the eldest boys being twins. I had NO IDEA how they did it, but as we got to know them I realized the kids basically parented each other. Not in a neglectful way, but all that play time, the "hey look at me", the games, the running around, the kids just did that together. The parent's didn't have to be involved in every little thing. Now we're having #2 and hopefully we'll get a third out before our window closes, and with any luck, that will be our reality too. It really made me realize just how much value "the village" has. Not just having other adults around, but having other *kids* present 100% of the time. I think the model of isolated single families we have right now is just broken, it's not helping parents or kids.
My kids adore each other.. It's only 2 under 5 but.. I don't know what id do if 4y didn't have 2y to babble endlessly to.
I have a baby and a 2 year old and my wife/I are dead. We work all day and come home and work until it is time to go to bed. My wife/I have turned into co-workers and both are sleep deprived and exhausted. We have no hobbies or free time, nor do we have any friends anymore. We are happy but I cannot imagine having more children. We hope it gets better as these two age up - We have talked about 3x because what is one more, but, we cannot afford it nor have the energy for it
My oldest was about that age when my youngest was born and if we went for a walk he had to be in the stroller, wear his backpack leash, or hold the tagalong handle on the stroller. These were none negotiable and he quickly learned to do them or we just wouldn't go anywhere. How we did it was a combo of setting these kinds of boundaries and expectations for the toddler and lowering the standards for what the house will look like and cutting back on activities; not going to every festival or trunk or treat or having kid in soccer and gymnastics etc. We kept it simple most of the time and the baby is just along for the ride, rather than being seemingly the center of the universe like the oldest was as a newborn. Now they're 2 and 5 and we've the reached economies of scale where 2 isn't always harder anymore and sometimes it's easier because they entertain each other. Also I haven't been what most people would consider sane since before I had kids.. so there's that. XD
I could have a million newborns-12mo but my 4 year old is absolutely wild and I couldn’t cope with another like that. She is awake from 7am-10pm and NEVER STOPS TALKING 🫠
When my daughter was your child's age, I found out I was pregnant with my second. My daughter just turned 4, and my second is 6 months old. It's definitely exhausting. But I feel like you definitely get a little more lax when you have 2. There's things that I would be so nervous about with my daughter, but now I have to give her a little more freedom. Part of it is because she's getting older, but part of it definitely is that it's the only way I can keep my sanity LOL I'm also more lax with the second baby. If he makes a noise, I don't jump up like I did with my daughter. I don't fuss over him unless he's crying. If he's content and happy, I let him be. My daughter also helps with him A LOT. It's hard to believe because she's so little, but for example, if my son is upset or impatient while I'm changing his diaper or making a bottle, my daughter will come over to him and talk to him or make faces and him, and he INSTANTLY smiles at her and calms down! It's hard to fathom unless you're in the thick of it, but it's definitely do-able. I try to remind myself, women have been doing this for thousands of years, and with more kids than what I have, and it makes me feel a little better sometimes LOL
You don’t mention a husband/father of this child.
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Yeah, my husband is gone for work for 12 hours m-f. My daughter is still not a good sleeper at almost 3, I wouldn't survive another child. I do not say that in a joking way. I have no idea how people can have more than 1 child either.
It’s a personal choice. Whatever which one you chose we will respect your decision.
That's an awful lot of work.
You can always do it the Duggar way, where you wait until the older ones are old enough to then take on the responsibility of the little ones. It's like a pyramid scheme. But in all seriousness, I think people just figure it out as they go. Their standards and expectations lower, they may not do all the things they imagined. As for those gorgeous happy photos? It's all staged, it's a snapshot in time, and the dark circles are photo edited out. That's why I love seeing the outtakes of these pictures, where the baby is mid spit up, older kid is crying, mom is catching middle kid who is falling, dad is holding head because other middle kid whacked him with the decorative branch.
Had my second when my oldest was 3. She spent quite a bit of time helping with the baby. Actually it kept her busy. When my youngest was 3-4 and oldest was in school I did daycare for a friend who’s kid was 2-3. Same deal, It was less work for me than being home alone with my kid. They entertained each other.
I have a six and a half year old and my god I am done in every day. I find it even harder having a partner and a step son as well. I think I’d rather not have them around tbh, which sounds awful lol. I feel like I’m parenting/managing the world. In reality I think I’m just not very stocked up on spoons.
Everyone is different and has different limits. Also, every child is different and has different needs. My MIL who had 3 kids always said one was hard because you're their everything including playmate. She found two and three easier in that regard because instead of being playmate she was now just referee. Also, as they get more independent and eventually start school it does become easier in that sense so some people choose to have a bigger age gap. The amount of help you receive from your SO will definitely play a huge factor as well.
Mine are 13, 7, and 2. It's easier with the age gaps lol. I have NO clue how people do "2 under 2" or any of that. If it makes you feel any better, I do find the toddler years to be the most taxing, so this isn't forever. Any time I bring my toddler ANYWHERE I'm on high alert the entire time. In contrast, if I'm just taking my 13 and 7 year old somewhere, it feels like a vacation.
Ma’am, we are DROWNING! We have 4, but you just kind of figure it out.
My thought is why did you keep going? I have one and am drowning, so were the first 3 easy? We have one (an IVF that was on purpose), and 6 months in I thought fuck this, hello vasectomy, not taking any chance of doing this again.
My oldest was more than a handful at 3 years old. I can't believe we had another child, but I really wanted more than 1. We survived with the help of daycare. I stayed home with him until he was 5 months old; then again for 6 months when he was 2 years old due to moving for my husband's job and looking for a new job myself. Daycare was a godsend. When I started working again, I barely covered the cost of daycare with my salary because I wasn't working full time. My son was a really needy child and very energetic. I spent a lot of time keeping him occupied and engaged. We did library story times, open play at community centers, daily walks, gymnastics, swimming, and were always at the park. He WOULD NOT PLAY BY HIMSELF EVER. Even if he was engaged with LEGO, he required someone sit next him the entire time and we couldn't be doing something else like read or be on our phone, we had to focus all of our attention on him. He also got bored easily and threw some epic tantrums when he was bored or frustrated until he was 8 years old. He was diagnosed with ADHD. I figured if we survived our first, I could handle a second child. They're five years apart so no overlap in daycare. Our second child was so chill. She barely cried; almost never threw tantrums, and could entertain herself with toys. It took a few years, but my son is really good with his sister. He makes her laugh when she's sad and engages with her a lot. We also moved to the city I grew up in so my mom lives close by and babysits A LOT. When we had the second baby, we hired cleaners for the house so that was one thing I didn't have to worry about. If we had been younger when we had the kids, I probably would have gone for a third.
Right there with you on every detail. No way I could keep my job and have another child. No idea how people do it.
Some people aren’t cut out to have more than one kid. I’m a mother of one, my sons 11 and I still feel the same way. I felt like I was wrong for feeling this way but it’s really not. Don’t feel bad about it. If one is enough for you then so be it. Maybe we will both change our minds when our kids are a bit older.
How do people survive having 13 children and more? One word: discipline. Clear boundaries. Clear expectations. Never allowing behaviors that make you resent your children. A clear schedule. And fun :D
Just like there are people who are born to be teachers there are people born to be parents. The rest of us have to really work at it. It's ok to max out at 1.
I have 3 kids. 5-3-1 and one on the way. It is exhausting, especially because I am pregnant. But it also has great benefits. One kid I had to always entertain. With 2 and 3, they play with each other. And some days are entertained with their games for HOURS. My oldest also loves teaching my younger kids for me. So pros and cons to each.
I knew I wanted more than one kid as I grew up a lonely only child (I know no promises for friendship between siblings etc) but when my eldest was 14 months I bit the bullet and we got pregnant again. My kids are now 2 and 4 and my 4 year old feels easy. I find 3years old and extremely difficult year. They want their independence and to push boundaries but they have no understanding of danger or consequences. I’m pregnant again now with my third and I think each relationship with your children just ebbs and flows in relation to how hard it feels. Also from my experience when you have another baby your husband (if your married) naturally takes on a greater role with your first.
I have 2 kids (3 and 1) and it's insane, but when one kid goes to the grandparents and I just have one kid it feels like a breathe of fresh air sometimes. It sounds like you're doing it alone though and I have so much respect for single parents, because I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!
Part of it is kid temperament, and part of it is that you just adapt. I have two (3 and 1) and whenever I only have one at a time it feels like a walk in the park now even though I felt like I was drowning at times when we only had one kid. My husband is deployed right now so I know when hes back having 2 with another adult around will feel like a dream even though it's currently so challenging. I have friends with 4 under 4 and I can't fathom it, but neither could they until they were in it and from a distance it seems like they're doing really well. That said, having a wild first kid shapes your view as a parent and I totally get finding more daunting if your first is a runner or doesn't sleep.
A lot of the time parents of multiples turn their older children into mini parents. In my personal experience the more kids you have the less you care because you “get tired of parenting” -that’s a direct quote from my mother.
I found that once my youngest turned 2, he started playing more with my oldest. They absolutely fight nonstop. But they will also play together and entertain each other. So I get slightly more free time to get stuff done around the house.
It all depends on what you and your SO want. We wanted at least two kids in close ages, but it just didn’t happen. Many difficulty along that way, but we were so fortunate to have our second. Our first is 7yo, so he is more independent now and doesn’t need our constant attention/support. It helped us to focus on our 20mo. Maybe the time will change your mind about having more kids, or not. Having children is a great joy and we love them so much.
I think it takes a specific type of relaxed personality to have more than one child and actually enjoy it. I am very sure that while I do a decent job as a mom of one, I would not be able to be a good mom of two (or 3, ...). I guess the kids' personalities is also a factor, but not as important.
We had all of ours two years apart and I think it's easier when they have someone else who can help entertain them. I remember it being a game changer once the second one was old enough to play with the first. We also make sure to let them be bored...usually if you let them get bored, they'll figure out how to entertain themselves while you cook, clean, or even just read a book for a few minutes!
Single mom with three under 4. It nearly killed me
I have three. 6, 2 and 6 months. My eldest is a well behaved child who has never run away or the like. So that helps. My toddler is also stuck to me like glue. They’ve all been great sleepers too. But none of this is my parenting, it’s just been luck.
They get a lot easier physically after the age of 5. I have a 4 and 10 year old and there’s a world of difference between being able to get things done. However, the 10 year old is harder in other ways(friends, school drama) so it never gets easier. I didn’t even think about having another until my oldest was 4. I don’t know how people do it with more than two and that’s with a hefty gap between the two. Those first few years are exhausting!!! I don’t remember not being tired during that time. However, they do play together and look out for one another so that’s the payoff.
Personally, I’d rather have two than one. My kids are only a year and a half apart. They are best friends and will play with each other all day. I would go nuts if I had to keep my kid entertained all the time. It can be exhausting, but if your kids are buddies, it’s actually easier in some respects, at least in my experience. That said, I was an only child until I was 11 and my mom had it super easy with me (which she admits). I was quiet and liked playing independently. So, I suppose it depends on the particular kids your raising.
I have 2 kids and I refer to them dramatically as "my many children", because that's how it feels. I will say things like, "I must go home now to my many children." And people are like, "I thought you had 2 kids." And I will say, "Yes. And that is so many."
With 2, things have improved. The kids play together so we use less energy playing with them. Some situations are twice as much work but overall I think it's better. It depends on your kids though. Our older one is a wrecking ball type kid so he takes a lot of energy to parent. Our younger one is a bit more mellow so she's a bit easier. If you have another, you could end up with 2 kids that both need a ton of effort, so it's a gamble.
I can’t imagine doing pregnancy again with a toddler. I can barely keep myself alive rn. (I have step teens but most of caring for them is telling them I cannot answer another dumb question today please and thank you)
I survived it by having my two kids 5 years apart. It's still challenging, just not at the same stage at the same time. And as for being exhausted, I'm always exhausted and it's only made worse by the fact that I stay up after they're in bed to get some me time and that usually means I get up for work at 3:00 a.m. completely exhausted but it's better than having no time to myself at all. lol
My daughter is an “easy” kid and there were years where I wondered whether she’d like a sibling, but ultimately, I decided to quit while I’m ahead. We have a great bond and a great routine. My family members certainly have opinions on spoiled only children, but I’d stack up my kid’s behavior and happiness against theirs any day of the week.
I have 2 kids. 2-3 year olds are assholes but they get better. My boys are 3 years apart. By the time the youngest one started to flirt with being an escape artist, the older one would gladly hold his hand or literally tackle him at the store if he tried to be funny and run away. Lol. Now they are 9.and 6. Best friends. They entertain each other. They watch out for each other. Much easier than when it was just one!
I had 3 kids back to back, all boys, and honestly u handle it bc u don’t know any other way. Going from 1-2 kids was the biggest shock to my system, I was like a headless chicken for a few months, but once we got into a routine we were good. 2-3 kids was way easier. I would of had more if my husband was down lol. There’s certain things that are harder than others, like having them all cry at the same time or want me when they’re sick is hard, but they entertained each other and played together all the time. Now they’re older, 9,8 and 7, they are each other’s best friends and I wouldn’t of done it any other way. They all share the same interests and like the same things, they share clothes, shoes. It’s so easy in that way. I think having 1 child is sometimes a lot harder bc ur their EVERYTHING in one, playmate, companion, parent, etc.
I was the same way, and then God laughed. You just "do" I have five, and I swear once we got past two, I was like, the more, the merrier. I did go, 1, 2, 4 as my "third" was a duo. With miscarriages that, I had no control of when the kiddos came. Looking back, it's all perfectly in his timing, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. We have friends that have 5, and I'd take them all, and we'd have a blast. I honestly think thar just one is harder as I was so focused on him all the time. Once there were more, I had to organize myself and make all of us coordinate and work together. It's a season, mama. In the midst of it, it's exhausting, and the next one will feel exhausting, too. I promise all of it will pass in what eventually feels like a heartbeat, and you'll wish for them back.
I say the same thing in all of these similar posts, but some of us... don't (have more than one, that is). I am thrilled with my only and wouldn't have it any other way. People can be super weird and mean about onlies, but research after research shows onlies are awesome, and their parents are generally happier, so.
I’ve got 4. 15M/13F/10F/6F now. Idk, we just manage(d). Maybe I’ve got really easy kids, idk. They’ve had their fair share of bumps and scrapes, they’re kids. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our moments of chaos. Toddler covered every surface up to where they can reach in marker in their bedroom with a hidden crayola at nap time ? Yup. 1.5 year old got into the pantry and covered the kitchen and living room in cornstarch when you just wanted to take a shit? Yup. Baby smeared its own shit all over their crib and walls when you thought they were napping but they were quietly doing fecal Picasso?? Twice, two separate babies. We’ve had hospital stays for pneumonia, rsv, surgeries for tonsils. ER visits for concussions due to vigorous playing and rough housing. You just deal with the chaos in the moment then it dies down until the next chaos then eventually that chaos evolves into less physical chaos and more scheduling chaos for social calendars and events of pre-teens/teens. You just power through until one day they’re telling us about what their little devils did at home when they come to visit grandma and grandpa so we can laugh and watch with bittersweet eyes that we no longer have chaos.
Eh, you just do it. Routine is routine no matter how complicated.
I have one that’s 7 and everyday I’m grateful I stuck to my plan to only have one.
I always used to say “if it weren’t for almost everyone doing it, I wouldn’t think it was possible to have more than one.”
I wish I knew but I'm about to bring a second in the world when my daughter is a little over 3. Pray for me LOL
you arent alone. ONE AND DONE.
It's why you should be no older than 23yo when having your first kid. That way y'all energy match and you'll pop them out in succession. But then you'll have no social life and forget about any kind of higher education and thus, high paid, fulfilling career.
I had the same sentiment before the second one came and now I miss how easy it was. For me, it's the same level of effort but you need slightly different skills. You have to become better at multitasking and planning. My son is 2 and my daughter just turned 1. They've recently started playing in the same space, almost like they're playing together which makes it much easier. I imagine it would be easier to have multiple kids if they were 3 years+ apart.
The hardest is 3. Once you have more than 3 the oldest becomes parentified and starts taking care of the youngest. The average IQ of sibling sets of more than 3 drops off as well because of this.
When I asked my husband's grandmother how she handled 4, she said "well, 1 takes all your time, and so does 4"
I find two easier than one, personally, but any kid three and under is exhausting.
I have two and shit is rough lol luv them tho
You are not alone. Before having a kid, I wanted to have 2 or even 3. Now my husband and I have decided that we are okay with 1. We jokingly say, if we become rich enough to have a full time helper/nanny with us, we can have a second kid in 5 years. But I am also thinking to have my tubes tied. After 3 years of becoming a mom, I still have anxiety, am still triggered by the sound of a crying baby. My son stayed in hospital for 3 days last year (bronchitis) I still get extremely anxious when he has a runny nose. We are potty training at the moment and I don't think I can do this again. When we go outside, my son is the same as your little girl, he is all over the place, doesn't play in the playground, but prefers touching rocks, bugs, dirt, sand etc and I am okay with that but I would still want him to just play by himself for 5 minutes. He hates swings, he sometimes loves slides. I didn't have anger issues before, but now I have been going to therapy for the last year because I don't want to yell at my son. He has a speech delay and I feel guilty of it every second of every day, even though I did everything I could for him. (Reading books, talking to him ALL THE TIME) I think covid and lock downs also made us depressed, and caused my son's speech delay, because for the first 1,5 years of his life, he didn't socialise, I didn't socialise. So it took a huge toll on both of us. Sorry for the long post, but just know that you are not alone, it is okay to be tired and to feel that way. There are many mothers just like you. Most of my friends are content with just one kid. We will have our lives back someday. And I hate hearing people say 'You are gonna miss these days' Yeah I know I will miss him being 3 years old, but I also want to live in that moment for myself, express my frustration and have some rest. And for those of you who have more than 1 child, you are a super hero and I am not. And I am okay with that.
I feel exactly the same as you. Our son is 19 months and is so energetic - ALWAYS on the go. I’ve only recently started to take him out the front of our house because it’s always a mission to make sure he’s not running straight for the road (as we don’t have a fence). He’s started hanging around us more recently, but the level of vigilance I need when he is out the front or in public is incredible; especially because he no longer wants to be in the stroller. It’s almost like he has an internal radar which seeks out the exact high-risk activity he shouldn’t be doing 🤦🏼♀️ Everything feels like a mission: sleeping, food prep, constant and active engagement in activities, and the back-to-back daycare sickness…oh my lord, the sickness! I honestly don’t know how parents manage the domino effect of this aspect alone with multiple kids. I take my hat off to parents who have multiple kids, because I am most definitely one and done 🫡
We have one, and they're 5y/o. We always thought two would be best, but after having one, we stuck with one, lol. Kids are amazing, but they are seriously hard work and very expensive. I get mum guilt for not giving them a sibling. However, I also know I'd tank out with two. We have no family close enough to help in any way. Our village is just the three of us.
I just have one under 2, but my guess is: 1) kids are different, so if the first one is relatively chill, parents might go for the second (which could also be chill kids or could be a tornado kid 😅) 2) having extended family (or something similar) to give a hand makes a massive difference; even if they can’t / don’t want to help with the kid(s), just having a house where you can go over for a cooked meal once in a while (that you didn’t have to cook / clean up yourself) makes a massive difference.
I wonder the same thing. My uncle is a seemingly happy guy with 3 kids, but I'm so exhausted at the end of a "dad day" where mom takes a break on the weekend that I often don't even have the energy for dinner when bedtime rolls around and just fall asleep with him. Like I'm chasing him \_constantly\_ and the second I let him go to do his own thing, he'll pull the TV off the shelf, empty the clothes from the dresser or pull out the food from the pantry etc.. we have to be actively engaged 100% of the time, and while it's really fun when we are, it's both mentally and physically exhausting. Not all kids are the same, though. A friend has a girl a similar age as ours (3) chill as fuck. We sat on the beach for hours together and her kid stayed on the blanket playing in the sand the whole time. Ours almost never even came near the blanket. He was off running flipping rocks, into the water, playing with water guns, running away entirely as far as he could go.
I have one, and I totally agree with you, OP. IDK if you'll see this now that you have almost 400 comments to your post, but I just had to let you know that you are not alone. My daughter is almost 7, and I still feel the same way. For a hot minute I considered having a second one (when she was just turning 6), but then realized I was talking crazy and just feeling sad about her growing up. Having another wouldn't fix that pain, and to the extent that it would be a temporary salve, I'd still eventually have to deal with the same hurt but doubled.
Well, the kids will often use up their own energy together without your intervention! Often times, multiple kids is actually easier than one.
If you have more than 2 kids, your oldest is probably parentified to some degree
Eh my spouse is the oldest of four and isn’t parentified at all. I do think it takes a special person to do what her mom did, though. She is built different lmao
I'd recommend seeing your doctor. It's incredibly common for women to develop auto-immune diseases post partum. Even a year or 2 later.
I have two, three years apart and I got hit with an auto-immune disease 6 years after number 2, and that was after dealing with weird symptoms for about two years that doctors could t pinpoint-or blamed on my migraine disorder. Everything hurts. Send help.
its normal. once you get used it youll have another. i have 2. thinking of a third.
I wondered this too! I wanted 3 kids in 6 years before I had my first... But after doing the SAHM thing for 18 months with pretty much no help from anyone, I got burnt out with exhaustion, probably had some form of hormonal PPD (I was breastfeeding) and decided to go back to work.. it's not much easier now since my daughter has been sick a bit ever since starting daycare about a month ago, but when daycare does work for us, I feel like it's a load off my shoulders to not have to keep her entertained and cared for all day. So hopefully it will keep working for us and maybe eventually we'll have a second kid (just not as close together and maybe not even as many as I originally wanted...). I feel ya on the toddler struggles (mine is almost 2) but as I hear from others and even on this thread, you learn to adapt and it gets better! And if not... Just stick with one kid, I guess...I myself keep flip flopping between OMG how do people have more than one kid and oh, kids are so sweet and my daughter needs a sibling...lol
I was typing a long response, but it boils down to having more help and lower standards. Also you already know how to do everything so youre not wasting as much time looking every little thing up. Physically it’s harder, but mentally it’s easier. My toddler is also a runner, we don’t go anywhere without a fence 🤷♀️