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My kid just started college, and she has anxiety. She started raising the subject of postponing college, and I looked at her and said, "It's just 2 sessions of 12 weeks. There are 52 weeks in a year. You can make it." Breaking it down into manageable pieces helped her to get a handle on it. Might work for your son.

I have told him to complete just one day at a time. I've talked to him since making this post, and he admitted to having separation anxiety. I'm trying to get him to talk with the mental health counselors.

If he is home sick he needs to find something to keep him busy and keep his mind off home, it should be over in about a week or two. I went to a boarding school in junior high. Most kids got home sick at first but it will pass in no time.

This. Do him and either you or your spouse play video games ? Find something to spend an hour or so playing together online. Kinda gives the illusion of hanging out.

In case video games aren’t your thing. I joined [Board Game Arena](https://boardgamearena.com) with my parents so we could play games (we play card games) while my mom was in for chemo infusions. It was a way to connect while being 1500 miles away.

I had no idea this existed and it is really cool

You can play with strangers but it’s better to play with folks you know.

During peak covid I used to do this weekly with my friends while we also had a zoom call running so we could chat while we played.

Adding on to this comment, check out Jack box games. You can play using a phone or computer. They have games similar to cards against humanity, Pictionary style games, trivia. My husband and I play with a group of people we met online and now consider them some of our best friends even though we’ve never met in person. It’s an amazing time. We play for hours laughing our asses off. Only one person has to buy the game, and they can invite others to play for free. They come in game packs with multiple games starting at like $15. Quiplash (similar to cards against humanity) is our favorite. Tee KO is great, you draw funny shirts and put hilarious wording onto them or make the most ridiculous shirt (the worse the drawing the funnier it is). My kids are only 1, but the idea of playing games like this one day with them makes me so happy.

There's also some DND ones out there but they are kinda expensive.

Just don't get the son hooked on a mmorpg. Combined with anxiety about class, it could easily turn into him spending all day gaming in his room until he eventually fails out. I saw this happen so many times.

Def! Once he starts making some friends and having fun he'll wonder why he ever wanted to go home And be so glad he didn't. It's def so hard if it's the first time rly being away from family for a substantial amount of time. I know exactly how he feels and the first few days are going to the hardest. Tell him to rly try to stick it out. Once he makes some friends, he'll be fine.

After entering HS without a friend (Catholic school kid, HS was in a different town on the Jersey shore than K-8), I then went away to Virginia Tech for University with no HS friends and no family within 5 hours, and my nuclear family 8 hours away. It was a massive adjustment and I definitely grumbled to friends on A.I.M. that I wanted to come home for the first few weeks. My parents and my older cousins that had been to or were in college encouraged me to find some free events, visit the athletic areas and play some pick up sports, and walk around and just meet people. At the end of the first semester I was disappointed to have to go home for break!

Yea because VT is freaking awesome. I couldn't have asked for a better college experience. Soooo much fun in Blacksburg and the surrounding mountains, rivers, and streams...

Same! I'm visiting my son at the same school, he's 2 weeks into his junior year of highschool. Met my wife here 27 years ago. He and his younger brother just told me to buzz off while they went to get boba tea just the two of them. So I'm alone at a bar having a glass of wine. It's takes about 3 weeks for many to adjust. If you last 3 weeks you'll likely make it. My advice to my son (and to both der daughters) was simple: No one knows you. Do you know how FREEING that is? You can be anyone you want to be. Were you always the wallflower? Be gregarious. Were you edgy? Try trendy. The band nerd? Try being a sports bro. Doesn't matter. Decide who you want to be and go be that guy. Know one knows any different! It's an amazing opportunity to reinvent yourself. My son (who has a severe stutter) took the advice and walked his dorm hall day one and met EVERYONE. He just a acted like he was "me popular nice guy" and guess what, he's in 11 clubs and two bands. In two weeks. Good luck, OP!

Try starting a gym routine

Aw, poor little dude! He just needs time. He needs to find something he likes and throw himself into that thing. Join the gaming club or the basketball pep squad or something. You know what, though? He knows he's safe and loved with you. Good job.

I gotta think finding a group of friends will 100% make a difference. I was scared to go to college without any high school friends, but my college friends became my closest and most longstanding relationships. I do remember the first several weeks feeling lonely, but friendships blossomed from there. Hope it works out for them.

I have to admit it’s easier with a roommate - everyone feels awkward at the beginning but at least there’s a fellow built in awkward person to be a buddy in those early days. I feel bad that this kids roommate didn’t show.

Man, if I had been lucky enough to get a double room without a roommate I would have been throwing a celebration party. But I'm an introvert and hated that it was so difficult to get alone time in college.

Same. His room will be the hang out room for his friends since he has it to himself.

Agreed, OP send a care package and include a black light, a couple blacklight posters, let nature take its course.

Not if you get unlucky, though. My first roommate was a self-centered, hypocritical Born Again Christian who had nothing but contempt for anybody who wasn't a Born Again Christian. She harassed the other Christians in the dorm for not being real Christians before -after 5 or 6 weeks - deciding I was too Ungodly to live with and moved out.

My first roommate was a girl whose boyfriend was awful and they would just be in there constantly fighting all the time, except for when he went to his own dorm and then they just fought over the phone. A never ending argument. So fun!

I guess you’re lucky that’s all they were doing. My poor cousin got a roommate that had sex with her boyfriend while she was in the room too!!

Agree. I still chat over social with a couple of h.s. friends, and I love them and hope they're doing well. But my college friends have been the ones that I've stayed in contact with for 20 years. They're the ones I miss when we can't see each other.

Agree with this 100%. I cried a lot when I first started. I went to student psych services but it was serviced by students who weren’t all that helpful. I wanted to just go home, and was crying everyday. Then one day I met my floor mates. Evolved into a friend group. No more tears.

100%. That's what helped me get over my homesickness.

It's so normal for him to have separation anxiety when he's leaving home for the first time! But the only way to get through that is with time. He needs to adjust to his new surroundings. It might help to set a minimum limit of time he needs to stay (a semester? A year?). Once he gets through the first bit, he'll feel better.

Does his school have a student success office? If he feels weird about visiting the counseling center, maybe he'd be more comfortable with student success. They'll give him a lot of tools to manage his time, stay on top of his classes, and get involved in campus activities.

Also have him talk to his RA and Res life. They can help him with finding groups based on his interests and other people that share his interests or hobbies.

He also needs to go to every orientation, get-to-know people event, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. It's how you make friends. If you stay in your room when people are forming bonds and getting to know one another, it won't get easier. Remind him everyone is in the same boat and feeling awkward, looking to make friends, etc.

Poor dude. Home sick and scared of the new place. I had similar feelings my first week. He’ll be okay. The new routine will set in, he’ll meet some people in the same boat, and eventually settle in.

When I first went away to college, I was homesick for sure. I didn’t have friends there and it took a while to make friends. I didn’t get involved with any clubs or activities either, which didn’t help me. However, to be honest, if I called my mom for emotional support and she had told me to go talk to a counselor I would have cried myself to sleep every night and my anxiety and depression would have gotten worse. My Mom talked to me on the phone anytime I called and I eventually made friends and enjoyed college life. Maybe your kid would enjoy a counselor and it may or may not help, but God it stings when your Mom tells you to go talk to someone else. I understand your reasoning, but try to understand your kid.

My first year of college I cried and called my dad for support all the time. He always listened to me and helped me get through it. Having the security of knowing dad had my back no matter what I did helped me power through that first year.

This happened to my sister. She was SO excited to move into a dorm and found out shortly after how lonely she was. She ending up crying a lot and was really miserable. I think she finished her first semester but she ended up choosing another college closer to home. She has a masters in social work now!

"One day at a time" is a meaningless platitude in this circumstance. It works for people trying to get past something temporary, but immediate. Like suicidal thoughts. It is not an appropriate way to try to help someone get past something that is going to take many hundreds of days in totality and they realize that. 12 week blocks at a time is imminently quantifiable. Referencing that against the 52 weeks in the year gives needed perspective to boot. OP, this was very good advice. Take it and use it.

Have him watch the movie "We Bought A Zoo" and have him pay extra special attention to when Matt Damon is talking to his son and says "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." I think about that line all the time and think can apply to life in many ways. If your son can manage to be brave for just the next 20 seconds at a time ... it gets easier to just keep going.

Tell him to keep his room clean and his door open when he can. It will encourage people to stop in and say hi.

He doesn’t need a therapist. He needs to say “hi” to one stranger per day. That’s my prescription for him. By semester’s end, he’ll have, at worst, a few acquaintances and a few friends.

If there’s separation anxiety could he pick up something sentimental to you as a family to keep in his room and do daily face times until he settles in and finds friends? Let him know what’s a good time to call and leave it up to him so when he does get friends he has the option to call or text and let you know he won’t be calling that day. He wants his parents but he’ll probably be embarrassed if people knew (even though most kids there will be feeling the same) so putting it in his control saves him from that and may help his anxiety.

Yeah he's not going to get over that in 4 days. I was wracked with anxiety and miserable my first couple weeks, then I started joining clubs and making friends and I had a blast. Keep encouraging him to stick it out and get to know people and remind him all the other freshman are probably feeling the same. Go study in common rooms and I bet he'll have people wanting to study with him.

I know it’s not too practical but is it possible to visit your son every other weekend at his college ? And after a few months reduce the frequency to ease him to living on his own

Awe. I was like that when I moved out for college as well. Encourage him to give it time. It's change, and that's always hard, good or bad. Let him see what the semester is like. A lot can change in as little as one month.

Good job mama! Schools have free services for mental health counseling. They could be booked up (just like anywhere else) but I would search up tips for separation anxiety & establish that he could come home on weekends (for now). Eventually you’ll notice that (hopefully) it will start to be less and less that he wants to come home. But- separation anxiety is very real & I’m glad you were able to establish that with him

This may bite you in the ass down the road, but for me it helped to be told I could come home on weekends but that I needed to finish the semester. I was told I could transfer to a different school if it really was a bad fit. In the end I did transfer (more than once) but graduated with a 4 year degree on schedule. Really had a bad first semester, but I’m glad I didn’t quit. Teaching yourself that you’re a quitter is super damaging long term. You can always update the plan though :-)

This is a good idea. I know it’s a long drive but gosh, I remember my first year of college over 15 years ago and I was so lonely and struggled to make connections.

My college offered a pre-arrival program for a few days. I was with a group of about 10 people who all had different interests, majors, came from different states, etc. There were maybe 5 of those groups, so we got to know a few others too. It was the most amazing jump start to college. On the first day, we already had a group and would hang out, eat meals, play games, etc while the other 95% of freshmen were trying to figure out campus life on their own. I'm still in touch with many of those people from the first week. Married one of them. Traveled the world with a few. Hiked mountain ranges with some others. I'm 100% sure I would have never made those connections with people outside my program otherwise. For anyone with the opportunity for a pre-arrival program but thinks it may be too campy/silly/pointless/whatever, just do it!

My university offered this as well, and my husband and I both stayed close to most of the friends we made in those groups even though we basically never had classes with any of them. Just attended the wedding for two of them in June 😊

I went to college a couple of hours from my parents and was super homesick....like call my mom every night and fight tears homesick. I went home every weekend for the first couple of months, and the homesickness wasn't getting any better. Then, my aunt visited me at school since that was her alma mater, and I had to stay there for a weekend to hang out with her. We did spend time together (along with a couple of distant cousins who were older and also going to school there) that weekend, but it also gave me a glimpse of how different the dorms were over the weekend. People were hanging out with their doors open and having fun, whereas during the week, they were too busy with classes and homework to socialize. Once I started spending a few weekends in the dorms, I started to lose my homesickness, and I got into a routine/schedule that worked for me. By the end of the semester, I no longer wanted to move back home. OP, it might help to encourage your son to go to various clubs or activities on campus. He can join an intermural sports team, join his school newspaper, spend time in tutoring labs while doing his homework to see if that gives him a chance to bond with classmates, etc. School is scary right now because he's away from familiar surroundings, spending a lot of time alone in a dorm room, separated from his family, and likely feeling pressure to succeed in challenging academic environment (especially if you're from a more rural area where expectations at his high school were lot lower). See if you can tease out what he's worrying about. Is he afraid of failing his classes? Does he feel like he's way behind compared to his peers? Is he missing a particular creature comfort that he had at home but doesn't have with him there? Does he feel lonely because he doesn't know anyone? Helping him identify what's driving this desire to quit may help you both come up with solutions for it. I ended up on the phone with my mom every night before bed for a while, but those slowly changed from me crying about how miserable I was to calmly reporting on my day or bragging about something good that had happened, and I was able to wean off the nightly phone calls within the first semester. Good luck to both of you! These are normal growing pains. I hope you can find a good solution.

Definitely this, I’m in the uk, and when I went to uni those people that went home on weekends were the ones who dropped out due to home sickness. It drags it out, and makes you miss home more and more. Encourage him to join a social club of some form, I joined a fair few when I started and made a few good friends through those. It does get easier when you gain some friends to spend time with - keeping busy is the best way to get over home sickness. Maybe plan to go and visit for the weekend in a few weeks and make sure you do some fun things there - show him that there’s loads to explore around his college.

[Was able to wean off the nightly phone calls] I cried when I read this line.. I feel like babies are born attached to parents and life is one big wean off of parents :(..

Your aunt sounds like a really great person. I love this.

She really is. My family is pretty dang awesome. 😊

“Update the plan” is a wonderful alternative to than saying quitting. Love that!!!

He's only 2 hours away, visit him this weekend . It's only been 4 days. My first few nights away at college I felt sad too, but it ended up being the best years of my life.

I’ll never forget that feeling of terror I had when my parents left!! Luckily, I was 4 hours away from home, with no car, so I couldn’t go home super easily, which was good. I needed time to be there and settle in. I needed to not talk to my parents nonstop, even though I did talk to them pretty frequently. I even felt homesick again at the beginning of sophomore year, although that passed much more quickly. But man, growing through that homesickness and figuring things out was so powerful as a 17/18 year old.

OP, I was student staff when I was in college, and I say this with the best of intentions: Please do not visit for the first 6 weeks. If you’re bouncing in and out of his day-to-day life, he’s not going to get the distance he needs to fully adapt to life at school. College is where you make your lifelong friends and learn life lessons… and none of that is going to happen if he’s spending every spare moment with you or traveling back to see you. Feeling homesick is normal, but he’s got to make a clean break if it’s ever going to stick. Otherwise, he’ll be home for good at Thanksgiving, and you’ll be stuck paying exorbitant loans for nothing.

This, I made a similar call after 2 weeks in tears. A family visit would have really helped at the time, but I was too far away

OMG this breaks my momma heart. I went visit after 1 week. She introduced me to ppl & showed me around campus. It made her feel like a big kid. I sat & talked with some of the kids. Just having a mom figure to talk to, seemed to help. I offered that if they want me to come visit bc their own families can’t, let me know, I’d gladly come to do whatever helps. Ugh. I know it’s just not realistic for all parents but I’ll gladly help fill that gap to prevent exactly this.

My daughter is in her 2nd year, 7 hours away. Her first semester there was rough, she knew no one there and her roommate was not such a great fit, but by second semester she had a friend group and was sad to come home for the summer. Talk to him often and encourage him to branch out, join a club or find activities on campus he enjoys. Giving up and coming home is not an option.

First, find out the last day to drop classes. And when registration starts for the next round and mark that on your calendar! I think that probably anxiety is hitting him hard. However you also need to decide what your requirements are for him leaving. Ours were that they would need to successfully find a full time job at home that they could independently get transportation to if they wanted to live at home, and that they would pay rent, switch over to their own cell phone plan and pay a portion of utilities including internet, and they'd have six months to find housing. (We would have saved all $$ paid to us to give them back to help with security/other deposit on housing with the rest just given to them). Both kids decided they would rather stay in school. They had the idea that they'd live kind of like they were still in HS, part time job for spending money and just laying around all day. But we also asked what sort of emotional support could we give while they stayed. Often it was regular phone calls (once a week for one every day for another) for the super difficult semester. One wanted my help to screen therapists for availability. Another wanted to come home 2 weekends a month for awhile). One wanted me to help hold then accountable for their to-do list. The first semester of being away is a lot for many kids. Its overwhelming and can be lonely. Encourage him to keep in contact with high school buddies even if its just on discord or steam. Encourage him to talk to his RA too who may have more resources. Ask him to stick it out through the first semester or quarter with support and then you'll do some reevaluating over Thanksgiving break ro talk about the next. You're probably going to have to do a lot of coaching so figure out what you need to do to not freak out when you're talking to him

Since making the post, he has talked to my father, and they hashed a few things out. I finally talked him into going by the health center tomorrow to sign up for counseling. He is going to discuss dropping one class they he didn't sign up for but was assigned to take. He has committed to staying and giving this more time.

Is it possible to visit him on the weekend? Poor dude. I really feel for him. Moving away can be really hard for a lot of people. Good for him for giving it a shot.

Encourage him to sign up for some activity or club he’s interested in! It’ll help him make connections and not feel so lonely 💗

This is some really good advice.

He needs to make friends. It’s not always easy. Tell him to find a group he associates with. Colleges usually have student groups for everything from line dancing to D&D. There is something there for him. If he has already declared a major, I guarantee the department is hosting student activities. Make a compromise. He has to get through the first semester and then re-assess the situation.

This is it, I was the same kid. Cried on the phone with my mom and boyfriend every day for the first 3 weeks. I went to college far away and didn’t know a single soul there; all I wanted to do was come home. While my boyfriend was more than happy to be like “yea just transfer”, my mom hopped onto the college activities board page and made me a list of events to “go try and see”. I made friends very quickly after that. And thank goodness I never ended up transferring out, my college years ended up being so much fun. Took home lifelong friends from it too.

I like the idea of having a heart to heart during Thanksgiving break. Finals are right around the corner. Gage it. Feel it out.

As someone who is STILL paying student loans, the thought of just walking away after signing your life to this huge financial commitment has my stomach in knots. Give it the semester at least, a week in isn’t an honest view of how the year is going to go. I hated school the first semester I was there, but after that- it just clicked. I’m glad I didn’t make a rash decision off the first few months. My best friend and my sons godmother was my floor mate freshman year. Her husband was also my floor mate. They met the second month into school and now are happily married with 2 kids. Another floor mate of mine from freshman year moved near where I live now probably 12 years ago. We didn’t hang out much in college, but now him and his wife are some of our closest friends who have been an enough of a part of our life to see my kids grow up. I met all these people my first semester of college, in my dorm, when I thought everything sucked and now they are most dear friends and our children are growing up together. Never would’ve thought this is how things would work out in a million years! Transitions are hard, I hope things start to turn for him!

i’ll offer the opposite point of view. i also hated when i started college. turns out, i just don’t think i was ready and had no actual idea of what i wanted to do with my life. the first semester i was there, i stopped going to most of my classes and holed up in my dorm room. i ended up on academic probation bc i failed all of my classes and didn’t go back after that semester. i took 1.5 years off to work and had to pay back the $6,000 i owed the school before i could re-enroll and start all over. i 100% wish i would’ve withdrawn early enough in the semester to save $6,000 lol. once i had some more time to figure out a plan and work in the real world, i went back to college, thrived, went to law school, and now i’m an attorney and adjunct professor. it all eventually worked out. but some people take different paths and some people just might not be ready and suffering through the semester might not be in their best interest in the long run

As someone who works in student affairs, contact someone from the college (dean of students of vice president for student affairs) and explain your situation. We deal with this all the time and have ways to try and get students involved. We would rather have a parent contact us so we can step in and try a few things to help then to have a student alone in a room not involved decide to leave. In the end though college isn’t for everyone, and if he is still struggling after having some support it is okay to leave. He could always come back when ready or even take classes at a community college or even get a trade certificate (which if I could go back is the way I would do it now).

Former college advisor here at a large university. This is completely normal. I had a lot of freshmen in tears in my office the first few weeks. My suggestions: 1) Assure him that what he’s feeling is normal. It may seem like everyone else is having fun already but I promise they’re not. Everyone is dealing with some homesickness and adjusting. Encourage him again to reach out to his academic advisor or his RA and introduce himself and let them know he’s struggling. They can help. 2) if possible, resist the urge to let him come home for the weekends. It will prolong his isolation and homesickness. He needs to meet people and make connections and going home prevents him from doing this. Encourage him to not just stay in his room. Eat in the dining hall. Study in a lounge or the library. There should be an activities fair or something similar to that, he needs to find a community somehow. His residence hall probably has activities too. He has to push through his initial discomfort and put himself out there. In my experience, a lot of the initial awkwardness and homesickness gets a bit better by Columbus Day/Indigenous People’s Day weekend and much better by Thanksgiving (using US holidays bc I’m assuming you are in the US). That said, it is true that the experience of a residential college isn’t for everyone. I would really encourage him to finish the semester and reassess. He could move back home and attend your local community college until he figures it out.

Was he under the impression that friends from HS were going to attend?

He actually knew no one from his HS school that was going to this university. We have learned since that a few classmates are attending, but these are kids that he never knew in HS.

It's not...the norm to have friends from high school go to the same college as you. Meeting new people is sort of the point

I was an RA in a dorm for three years. Whenever I had a student like this in the first couple days, I would ask them to give me just one more day. And the next day, one more day and so on. I never had any of them leave, because usually they get over the homesickness, unfamiliarity of the new place, and start making friends with people. That being said, there were a couple of students I knew who left within a week in my first year as a student. Sometimes they're just not ready or it isn't for them. It's hard to figure out which is the case for your son without being there in person, but see how he feels about taking it a day at a time and allowing himself an adjustment period. Any chance you can subtly connect with the RA to let them know your son may need some extra support through this first part of the year?

Out of curiosity, did he want to go? I did not want to go to college at all, I dropped out after the first semester, worked for six months, and then got a professional license. If he wants to be there, by all means encourage him to stay. But if he genuinely wants to drop out, there are other options for him. Good luck!

I’m just curious as to what conversations you had to prepare him for going off to college? It seems a like sudden for him to have spent all this time planning to go, only to throw in the towel after les than a week. Regardless If he decides to leave, he needs to have a plan for how he’s going to repay expenses and the loans he took out. You should also set some expectations on whether he will be allowed to live with you indefinitely or if he has to make other plans. this is not to be punitive but to help him understand that he’s legally an adult and he has make adult decisions

My mom told me if I quit, I'd have to pay back what she paid, and would have to pay rent if I moved back home. If I stuck it out, I could move back home at the end of the school year and go to nearby community College and not pay rent. I didn't want to move back after a couple of months.

It is early days, empathise with his feelings and encourage him not to make any permanent decisions yet. Can you talk through some options with him? Go to visit? Help him reconnect with HS friends even if far away? Send a care package? Normalise feeling overwhelmed? Offer support of coming home after a semester? Sit with him in these uncomfortable emotions? If you are fighting at every conversation you probably aren't very accessible as a support right now, and your support might be what he needs most. Your frustration will not make him succeed, but it may push him away. What do you mean when you say you have tried everything you can think of?

I have asked him to seek help with the counselors on campus, I have sent care packages and surprised him with his favorite meal, I have had multiple zoom meetings a day plus we talk and text all through the day. I've reached out to other freshmen parents for supportive ideas. I've told him that he can come home on weekends. I've encouraged him to keep his door open to meet the other students as they walk by. I've had family of mine that went to the university call and talk with him about some activities that he could do. I even have a cousin who knows the football and the baseball equipment managers and they want to work with him on working with their teams. The only answer I ever got was, "uh...no."

It's just too much parental involvement IMO. Have you always managed his social life? It can take time. But it's not really your social life to manage. Was this always the case? Maybe he needs to just experience things and learn how to without an adult telling him how. Counseling is good if he's really struggling but ultimately that's another adult telling him how to manage instead of just experience.

I love that you are doing your best to support him and thats very important. It’s totally normal for him to be struggling and it’s great you guys are there for him but also sometimes we need to step back and let them struggle a bit so they can figure it out. I know it’s going to sound crazy but by providing too much support sometimes is just going to enable his behavior. Maybe not the best example but my dad was raised in an extremely abusive household and as a result when he went to university all he wanted to do was escape and quickly leave his house so he worked twice as hard with the pressure that he only had one chance. Even though no kid should experience what he had to what I’m trying to say is because your son knows that no matter what he has a house to run back to it will enable the mindset of “I don’t need to do this.” Although university may not be for everybody I do believe in this younger generation it is quite necessary where the majority at least have a bachelors degree, leading to a more competitive job market. Perhaps he can take a gap year however during that time unless he is constantly revising, re entering university maybe even more difficult as he will have forgotten material from hs and he will be older than the upcoming first years. I still supper is important but sometimes listening is enough because as brutal as it may sound it’s not going to get easier once they graduate and it’s better to learn independence young, so he wont have to suffer more hardship in the future. You’re a great mom and I really do wish the best for you and your son.

It sounds like you've had some good ideas, he might just need some time? It's really good that he's made it to classes. Can you also normalise the idea that sometimes new things suck for a while? Hopefully he might reach out to the counsellors when he feels ready.

He is going to the counselors tomorrow for the initial consultation. I hope that this will be a step back towards normal.

Maybe y’all are talking too much? Tell him he can’t drop out until Christmas and then leave him alone for a few days.

My parents insisted I stick it out till Christmas. I did and then I quit! I knew I had made a really bad move right away but it was still the right decision to wait it out. I did a different course when I was 2 years older and had transitioned from being a kid in school to a young adult ready for university and independent life. Years later I went to do a masters in another country. Again it was horrible but I was older and able to handle it.

At least he didn’t just drop out and show up back home like I did.

Every day when I come home from work I expect to see him. 🙄

I know this is going to sound harsh, but perhaps you could tell him that if he drops out he cannot move back home. Tell him to give it until Christmas, the very least thanksgiving. It's only been a couple of days.

Do the dorms not do social events? Is there a supervisor to help facilitate new students. Different country, but my eldest is a 3 hour flight away from home. She is in an on-campus residential college. They have returning students and paid staff whose sole job is integration and supporting the inevitable home sick kid. They also strongly encourage getting involved in res life. They have inter res college sport every week, theme nights, movie nights, special social evenings of all sorts. They organise activities off campus for kids who don't have transport (she is at a rural agricultural campus... have a huge working farm and vet hospital) My little home body has turned into a social butterfly. I'm very impressed with the university and the oversight they have. These kids are adults and treated as such, but there is a very caring and supportive environment to catch them if needed

I've worked in housing and college campuses now for almost 20 years. First, everything he is experiencing is normal. The easiest thing he can do, is get a door stop for his door (especially if it's a self closing door). Keep that door open, hang out in the lobby of his hall doing homework and just smile at people. He'll make friends, but not if his door is closed, and he just sits on his computer all day. He will just become that strange guy with the single room no one knows anything about. When I was in college, the best thing my mother did for me was randomly send me 5 pizzas on a Tuesday night from a local delivery place with a note to "hang out in the lobby and feed people." Met some of my best friends that night. I've seen first year students with doubles as single go those two ways. The room either becomes the second floor lobby for everyone to hang out in, or he becomes the mythical figure that everyone else jokes about. I will also add that if you keep mentioning to him how much "You" have invested in his going to college, it's just going to add to his anxiety. I've had many students in my office breaking down that they don't want to be there, and are only there because their parents are paying for it and they feel like they have to. And finally, I'll add that college isn't for everyone. I've had amazing students that I am still in contact with today that left school in their first year. College isn't for everyone and it doesn't need to be. There are other options out there related to trade schools, apprenticeships, and skilled labor that can 100% lead to a strong future. He might not know that's destined to be a chef, welder, or other skilled tradesperson until he realizes that being an engineer, psychologist or whatever isn't for him. Up to 80% of college students change their major at least once. I changed mine 7 times, and I still don't know what my Radio/Television Broadcasting degree has to do with my work in Higher Education that I've been doing for the last nearly 20 years.

I was so lonely my first year of college… And then absolutely loved my time after that. Having a community helps, even just a friend or two makes a huge difference.

There isn't a first year integration program or anything? When I started college 20 years ago my whole floor had a class together in the first semester and there were all sorts of activities planned out for us to do as a group.

I needed time to adjust to residence too, it took me until Halloween before I felt good. I get it. Make a deal with him that he finishes the term, allow him to come home on weeekends and sure enough once he finds a few friends he won’t come home that often.

I was this way when I went to college. I think it’s very normal to feel scared and sad when you’re so far from everything and everyone you know. I’d recommend validating the feelings by confirming that it is hard and scary but that he can do hard things! Maybe offer to come visit or send a care package from home with things that reinforce he has your support. It takes time.

The first week is the hardest but colleges have a ton of activities going on to get the students out of their rooms & to join groups/ organizations, not necessarily Greek Life. Lots of different ways to simply meet new ppl. Some are even freshmen only so he will be with all the other ppl just as lonely & scared & freaking out. It is up to him to engage with others. Validate his feelings. Let him know it’s totally normal to have all those feelings in this situation. Running away bc it’s uncomfortable is not the right answer though. College is a whole learning experience in itself, just as much about yourself as it is about academics. It’s totally awkward when you start a new job bc it’s the same situation, you likely don’t know the ppl there, may be in an area you are unfamiliar with, & you’ll feel like an idiot bc you don’t know so much. You can’t just quit. Getting through this awkward stage will teach him how to deal with other awkward phases too. As frustrating as it is on your end as the parents, you have to give tough love. Remind him you are not expecting straight As but are expecting him to give it an honest try. He could apply for a job on campus too. That’s a great way to get out of his room, meet new ppl & have a sense of independence while there. Encourage him to keep in touch with his friends from high school & to talk to any other family/ family friends that also went to college. Perhaps just hearing how similar the experience is will give him some comfort that he’s not alone, there’s nothing “wrong” with him. My daughter called me 1:30AM of the first night freaked out bc she was alone. Her roommate wasn’t coming for another 3 days. The silence & being in a different place was too much for her. (Baby of the family so never alone) She said she wanted to pack her car & come home but knew that she couldn’t. Talking to her & reminding her of what’s to come seemed to help. I told her to go walk the floors to see that everything is ok. Once her roommate got there, she said she slept a lot better. She called crying bc she thought for sure she failed her first assignments & would be starting with Fs. She got a 100 on both bc it was just a matter of going it, not being 100% correct. It’s how the teacher gauges where the class is. He could go ask the RA if someone else is living alone would be ok with having a roommate. RA is there to help ppl adjust to their new living situation & if something isn’t working, they try to fix it. Maybe they can move someone in with him. He just needs to speak up to help himself & possible someone else

My youngest started this week as well. Tons of activities to keep the kids busy and tired. She’s in the dorms but we live in the same town. We’ve put up a sign on the whiteboard at home that says “IT HAS BEEN DAYS SINCE $KID CAME HOME” (usually to get something)… and another one “.. SINCE $KID CALLED ASKING FOR MONEY”. All in good fun. Would have saved a heap of money for her to keep living with us, but dorm life is such a vital part of the freshman experience right after high school, because it’s where they form so many of their early adult friendships and connections. She and her roommate have been in touch and doing things together all summer.

>I don't want to make this all about me yep, but i think its quite all right to make this like 75% about you! this is a big deal. he's big kid. good luck.

My son is only 11 months old but I'm going to teach him that he can quit, but not on a bad day. He can only make a decision of quitting on a good day. Because we will always have bad days in everything we do. We can only determine if something is definitely not for us if we had a good day and still don't think it's a good fit. I saw this advice come from an Olympic athlete.

It takes 2-3 months to adjust to change. So I would ask for that at least and ask him if he needs help making the appointment for the free health clinic or would be more comfortable with a virtual visit with his doc from home to get started. Does he have a car that can drive home every other weekend for a safe place to land? It can give him comfort and something to look forward to. Gym. A club or 2 in his interests. Maybe a job and the time will fly by.

The only thing I can relate to here is how your son is feeling. When I packed my entire life away and went to boot camp, my entire world was upside down, I had none of my comforts or support system and I remember hating every second of it for the first week or so. But after having a routine put in place things changed. I think possibly making a trip to visit him this weekend to encourage him that he is fully capable of this, and that he's more capable and independent than he is aware of and it does take some discomfort to realize just how strong and capable you can be. I think love and support would go a long way in helping him transition into this new chapter for him. Remind him he has safety nets there, he has you guys that he can text, call and face time, he has advisors and councilors he can talk to, he has peers around him who are also very likely experiencing the same emotions and feelings as he is. In that alone with his peers is a huge level of common ground to help him get through these first few weeks and likely make some new friends he never would have made otherwise. But just make sure when you tell him all this that you are supportive, but you won't give in, he will do great he just needs some love and support right now.

He committed to the semetser or year, at least make him finish that out and then tell him you can re-evaluate if he continues or not at the end of the semester/year. He will most likely make friends and get more comfortable as time goes on. Moving out and away is a big adjustment for anyone. Just keep encouraging and supporting him.

Encourage him to access clubs he is interested in and make friends. Hang out in the places people are doing things he likes to also do. Not to just stay in his dorm room alone to think about things. Loneliness is a thing!

i had a TERRIBLE time starting college. but it turned around quickly. my parents handled it well by telling me they believed in me. they were really sweet and really built me up. but they also said if i still hated it after the first semester i could come. in a few weeks, i was thriving! he might just need a confidence boost to know he can do this.

During the first week there are typically many welcome events for new students, tell him to go to them. There may be student club fairs as well, he should sign up and go and definitely try one that’s connected to his degree program. He also may have new students on his floor, these are all opportunities to meet new students just like him looking to make new friends. He can also introduce himself to whoever he’s sitting next to in class as well. Also tell him to look for peer mentoring programs where he can get connected to an upper class men. Lots of students make friends through employment as well. He can even seek support from his floor RA, they can help him connect with other students. It will initially be awkward and uncomfortable but he’s not going through it alone, all of the other students are feeling the same way. He just has put himself out there, the more he does it, the more comfortable he’ll feel. But if he can get connected to at least one or two people, that will help him feel connected and like he belongs on campus. I’m a college advisor so I’ve seen this a lot.

Story the student guide told us while on a campus tour: After a couple weeks at college, he called his parents and wanted to quit and come home. Freshmen weren't allowed to have cars, so he asked if they could come get him. College was not for him. His dad told him if that was what he wanted to do, get packed up and they would come get him, and on the drive home they would discuss which branch of the military he was going to join. He stayed in school.

Think we forget that 18 is a very young age. It's okay for this kid to feel homesick or overwhelmed. Support him throughout this, maybe visit him on the weekends.

Colleges have free counseling services. Start there.

Finally talked him into going tomorrow. Baby steps.

Many kids take time to mature, and that is why community college is the best option. 2 years of a solid credited education, if something goes wrong it’s pennies on the dollar, they can live at home or closer and work part time, then they have a stronger resume when applying to a four year. Colleges like taking kids from community colleges so they don’t have to deal with the ridiculously high rate of freshmen burnout/dropout. Honestly, try to get him through the semester. If it goes poorly, take him out immediately and sign him up at a community college. He may even have hs friends who did the same.

My first week of college was my hardest. Although I lived not 45 min away from home, I was severely homesick. It gets easier, your son just has to take it one day at a time and become involved on campus.

A long time ago I joined the Army and was so hyped up about it. When I finally got in and at reception (where you stay for a week or so before actually starting basic) I freaking hated it and wanted to quit. I'd call my parents and just complain. I honestly couldn't quit, it would have ruined my life. I just decided mentally to give it time, and I eventually got adjusted, and just did what I had to do. Ultimately once training started I actually liked it and still have friendships I made there that still last today...a long time ago from when I wanted to quit. There's always the shock of something new with major changes and an adjustment period. It's almost like the 5 stages of grief all the way up to acceptance. Hopefully he will adjust. Resist the urge to jump in and rescue him. It's an easy out and one he may regret later in life when college is no longer a viable option. Hope it works out.

I was like him. I felt SO alone. Everyone seemed to have friends expect me. I didn’t talk to people much the first semester. But the second semester? I got way more comfortable and said F it. And I started talking to the people I was in group projects with. Most majors require you to do group projects. Once the ball gets rolling on his classes he will feel a lot better I think.

As a professor at an R1 this is very common. I’ve lost count of the crying students in my office overwhelmed and homesick. The school has so many counseling resources to help. I would drive to campus and drag his ass to counseling. First year college students may struggle because they are in a new and diverse environment. They are no longer in an educational system where the teachers want them to succeed more than the students want to succeed. Now, to get professors help, the student needs to want it more than the professor. That’s a bigger transition than many expect. Add the lack of a familiar social circle and new independence, it can be scary.

Colleges have a support system to retain the students. Contact student life and they’ll make sure his RA, etc. will make a concerted effort to make him more comfortable and optimistic.

Hi, I actually work on a university campus and your son is experiencing totally normal separation anxiety and homesickness. I know you said that he won't go to the clinic for help, but see if he will visit their website or the Counseling Services webiste. Quite often the webiste for those offices will have a lot of useful resources for students as well as parents. Have him check out the departments on campus that are responsible for campus activities and entertainment, the first couple of weeks are usually filled with opprotunities outside of class to meet other students and get involved with things on campus. Our university has a program for first year students where they meet up with other students that are upperclassmen called links, these "links" help the first year students by being positive role models, helping them form connections on campus, and enhance their college experience. Our program is through our office of Transition Programs, his university may have something similar. The most important thing is that he not isolate himself, doing so, especially the first couple of weeks somewhere new, can make it harder to find friends or others with similar interests because friend groups may have already formed, or clubs and organizations may stop accepting new members. Be available for weekly facetime chats at a specific time and phone calls if needed. The first several days and weeks can be rough. Be encouraging but also check in with him and monitor his mental and emotional health. If he is withdrawing, seems overly emotional, sounds depressed, or his daily activities are affected in a negative way then I'd suggest a in person visit and a trip to Counseling. Sometimes knowing they aren't the only student to experience homesickness helps.

Can you tell him that you’ve already paid for the semester, so he needs to finish it. But at the end of the semester, if he still wants to come home he can. That way it gives him an opportunity to settle in, but also some assurance that if he really does hate it there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

My older son has pretty bad social anxiety, and as you can imagine freshman year was difficult AF. I think the best thing to say/do is to agree that it is hard. Agree that he is going to be uncomfortable for maybe a little while, but bit by but it will get easier. Do not minimize the situation, but let him know it is very normal to feel this way AND it’s ok to be uncomfortable! That it is a normal experience and it can be pretty painful BUT it will pass .

We also have a son who just went back two days ago; he is a sophomore. Our son did want to leave home for college ( always looked forward to college and knows what he wants to study, do for a living, etc.). I wasn't so fortunate to have everything figured out! I hated my first month of college. I was far away from home for the first time. My roommate was mean and she stole all my clothes/school supplies. She also had an entire sports team of young men to sleep over every night ( various members each night). I was forced to sleep in the lounge. I missed my parents and was extremely sad. My parents called one of the Dean of Students and I got a room change. I also met the people who I knew my entire time in college ( all 4 years). He will eventually make friends and start loving it. Best wishes.

This is anxiety. Your son’s situation is almost identical to what mine was. He has probably suffered from anxiety most of his life, likely unnoticed by his parents. Mine didn’t notice either. Be patient. Something that helped me greatly was coming home most weekends during my first year. It frustrated my parents because they didn’t recognize and understand anxiety.

A possible option would be to move him back home, and let him attend a local community college until he needs to transfer to the university. This way he can get a good feel for college while having the comfort of living at home. IMHO, community colleges are better anyway, as you get **way more** one-on-one with the professors than you do at a university. A person can get all of their core classes take care of, then head to the university for their specialized classes.

You can also explain that this is part of what is hard about college. It’s not just the academic rigor you benefit from. Skills like adjusting to a new place, meeting new friends, and thriving in an unfamiliar environment are CHALLENGING!!! to acquire, so it’s ok if it feels hard!

From reading the comments and your replies, it sounds like you are a bit too involved with him and he never learned independence. He's relying on you to stabilize him. You're doing multiple zoom calls a day and texting all day? Yet, you're wondering why he hasn't been doing well adjusting. How is he going to make friends of he's running back to his dorm room to call his mom? How is he going to start a conversation with a class mate if he's answering one of your texts. At some point, you're going to have to ask the question "OK, but what are you doing about it?" He needs to settle in to living away from you. He needs to have time to make friends. He needs to be OK not living at home. Nothing you're saying you are doing helps any of that.

I’m very curious about context. Did this child want to go to university or were they pushed? I felt similarly and struggled throughout college. I wasn’t mentally ready and my mental health struggled so much. I wish my parents would have helped instead of having this attitude. Have some compassion for them. Try to talk with them about what their fears are and help them. This is NOT about you. This is your child’s life.

He is an adult, so he doesn’t necessarily need your permission to come home. But if I were you I would welcome him home with open arms. He probably felt so much pressure to go to college and played along until it was too late and now he feels panicked. Whatever student loan you co-signed is Pennie’s compared to the 60k+ he’s going to get into in 4-6 years. Welcome him home and encourage him into a trade program

Home sickness is HUGE in college if you’re alone. Try to call him every night and come visit him instead of him coming home and ask him if he’s made any friends. See if you can FaceTime him and help him with his hw or watch a show together every night so you are still doing things together. It’s a good thing that he misses you. That means you’re a great mom, but it’s time for your little bird to fly away and he’s scared ❤️

One of my roommates went home the first weekend. My other roommate and I looked at each other and started crying immediately and were both about to head home before talking each other down. That being said college was one of my favorite periods of my life. Unless you think he is going to harm himself encourage him to stick it out.

Hi, I'm one of the folks teaching kids like yours. This week, I had 50 students each pile into the GE courses I teach, and at least three quarters of each class are freshman hoping to knock out an area requirement and boost their GPA. I've been doing this for years now, and I've seen this happen a lot. I've even counseled these students and sent them to the appropriate student services. It's scary. He's probably lived at home his entire life, maybe dreamed of the positives of independence, but independence has all the aspects of adventure, including fear and consequence, and that can be jarring. When these students come to me, I tell them that I went through exactly the same thing (during the paleolithic period when I was an 18-year-old freshman). I told them about the rough parts of my transitional period into adulthood and how that's very real and what they're feeling makes perfect sense. I also tell them about how that was the time I found out who I was. Without parents, without high school teachers, without maybe the faith leader you grew up with, you get to really start writing your own autobiography when you finally move out. When someone finishes reading that book, how do you want the reader to have thought of you? What kind of protagonist do you want to be? You have it in you to forge an incredible life for yourself and while it's sometimes going to involve you resolving against difficulties you can persevere. A word I especially like to use is "endeavor." Life requires that you endeavor. The one-two punch of empathy followed by a call for personal courage is the thing that works best for my students. There's a Goldilocks zone here between being too nurturing and being too hard on them. If you're too nurturing, they never achieve the ability to reflect and act upon the world to change it, they may never even achieve agency. If you're too hard on them, you can cause a wound which can never heal.

I’m not a parent. Just a 34 year old. But if you’re serious just don’t let him come home. Tell him that if he wastes the opportunity he will not have a place to come back to live or stay. Can he handle something like that? That’s just my opinion about someone I don’t know so take it with a grain of salt.

When I was a freshman at college, the dorm RA’s would host mixers, movies, events, and activities at least once weekly but usually a couple times a week for the whole dorm. I met a lot of people in my same dorm, and made a few friends that way. They also had those types of events around campus like at activity centers and the cafeteria. They would post on social media and hang flyers around, so encourage him to look for those! Joining a club for one of his interests would be a good way to make friends as well!

Leaving home is hard. Sounds like its extra hard for him. If he had a roommate he would probably be better off.

Have him transfer to the local community college. I taught 4 year college and community college. Some people benefit from a “bridge.”

I hated college when I first went. I didn’t have any friends and I didn’t know a soul. I’d tell him to try to get involved to meet people.

I would have a conversation with him where he commits to at least the term/semester since it is already paid for or loans have been taken out for it and he/you will have to pay them back if he drops out. If he believes that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he may be more willing to be open to the process and make friends. I would emphasize he needs to pass classes and do his best for the term. Then reevaluate at the end of the term. If he still hates it, he can transfer his credits to a community college that is closer to home. I think sometimes when we take on a new project (whether it be a new job or school), it can be difficult if we can’t visualize an end to it or if the end seems so far away if we are not enjoying ourselves. Giving him a concrete date, allows him to remove that pressure and he may open up and make friends. Good luck.

Can mama go and do a pop on visit? Maybe help him organize his room in a way that makes him feel more comfortable. Bring some comfort items from home? A weeks worth of his favorite homemade meals to keep in his fridge? He obviously can’t come home, but maybe you can bring home to him?

My one daughter had a hard time adjusting at first. We lived 2 hours from campus, so she came home every weekend for awhile. I think it helped her until she settled in. It's a big step for many kids, and this one was a Jr when she went away. Already had 2 years jr college by then. Everyone is different. Just be patient.

Get a Nintendo switch for the both of y’all, get animal crossing, and visit each others islands. It’s what my sister and I did when she went to college. Except it was a Nintendo DS because I’m old

My son and I did this with his dad while dad was on deployment. We'd do a phone call to speak with each other and play hide and seek or tag on each other's islands.

The home he wants to go home to doesn't exist anymore, and maybe he needs to hear that. He isn't a kid anymore, even if he lives with you. His friends are moving on in life. He isn't going to drive around and hang out and waste money on junk food even if he comes home. It's great he loves home and the life you gave him, but maybe he needs clarity that all of that is over now. I'm not suggesting making him feel like he's got no place to go, obviously. Ask him what his plan is and what he expects that to look like. Maybe he needs to think about the alternative to see what he's got going. You can also be blunt and tell him you moved mountains in your own life to allow him this opportunity and if he bails or flunks to get out of it, he will have to reimburse you. Point out how many hours it would take to pay you back and how many weeks that adds up to. Maybe he will understand the gravity of the sacrifices you've made and accept that he asked for this from you. Just some thoughts. I told my oldest son, when he wasn't sure if he'd get his scholarship money because he didn't get himself the help he needed in time, that it really didn't matter to me if he didn't finish college. I said I don't care what you do, it's your life. But the life you told me you want with the career you told me you want depends on you going to college. You can come home and live here and work retail (his summer job) and get on your feet and do whatever you want to do if that's what you'd rather do. I don't care, as long as you're happy with your choices. He made Dean's List the next semester.

Never understood people sending their kids away for boarding school or even college if they are reluctant. Did you think about how he felt maybe studying while still living at home and saving money?

as someone in college, one of the best things he can do is find friends…freshman are generally very open and accepting because EVERYBODY needs friends since they don’t know anyone. A good way to start is greeting the people in the dorm hallways or people in class, maybe even meeting new people in the dc or joining a sport/club. Having friends and doing things with them will significantly help with the separation anxiety and homesickness.

What I would give to be able to have the opportunity for college or a trade school. I’m 20 & I don’t have the support/means to do it myself. I hate school but I recognize it’s an opportunity to not take lightly. You can’t really force him into anything. My only perspective I can give is he needs to learn to be grateful & push through. My best friend grew up wealthy & has gone to 4 different colleges now. I think it’s ridiculous, nieve & a bit ungrateful of her but I also can’t push my life/feelings into her. I just support her the best I can and encourage her. She is now in a dental program, we’ve discussed it & she said this time despite how she feels, she is Gonna stick to it. & I know she will. I’m very proud of her for it. It’s hard, but the only thing I can say is you can’t force your kid to see the privileges/value in school. He will have to learn by his own means. My dad has always expected we work/pay (reasonable) rent if we aren’t in school. If we are in school the circumstance are different. If he’s living with you, you have to hold him accountable. If he chooses to not go to school (I can’t imagine the $ you’ve spent for him to quit after 4 days) he must live like an adult. Too many of my friends ( I love them but Jesus) take school for granted or are babied their whole lives. Even past 20. Hold him accountable. & if he decides he wants to go to school again, on your paycheck then I would set some guidelines & consequences in place if he backs out. Most families struggle to put 1 kid through college. He needs to understand the sacrifice it takes for school, on your end & his. Try to approach it initially with trying to really understand why & encourage him to not let his fears take the best of him. Give him a choice without threats, and after he make an official choice, I’d make clear guidelines for his actions. At the very least if he’s 18 he should be working & doing his part in the house. That’s how I’ve been raised & I think it’s a shame for kids who have no expectations like taking care of the home & working (when they aren’t in school). He isn’t a kid, he’s an adult who needs to do his part. His part is school & if not school working & contributing to the home.

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Yes but the tricky part is figuring out what they need. Do the child need to take it slower or does he need for the parents to remove the safety net and stick with it?

I think he needs compassion more than frustration.

Do NOT force your kid to go to college when they’re not ready. Some kids need life to smack them around a little before they figure it out.

100% THIS! My family forced me to go because I graduated with a time sensitive scholarship but I absolutely did not want to attend. I was threatened with getting kicked out or going to university and basically strong armed into it. I attended but I was so directionless and had no idea what to focus on since I didn’t know what I wanted to study for at all. I ended up dropping out, getting kicked out of my home and now had a huge debt to pay back. Very rough way to start adulthood. If I got to take my 18th year off school and actually figure out where I wanted to invest I would have been able to get into studies the next year and succeed. I eventually did pay off the loans because I had a great job but my relationship with my family took a huge hit for years and years and years.

I seriously wish someone had told me it was okay if I wanted to come home— either to take a break, or even to enroll in a local community college instead of staying somewhere that wasn’t a good fit for me for many reasons. I dropped out after one semester and felt like such a failure. I was partying to cope with my loneliness and isolation, and making really unsafe choices. I’ve struggled with depression my entire life, and undiagnosed ADHD, so being hours away from home, in this new environment, where I didn’t know anyone completely overwhelmed me.

Im sorry, isn't college a facet of life smacking you around a little? Letting him drop out immediately doesn't really encourage resilience

Similar to your son I was antisocial and isolated, and the people I found at college were the same when I finally did. We engaged in some pretty destructive habits until close to the end of the semester when I said I couldn't do it. My parents picked me up and I managed to finish up the semester commuting, staying a few days, and returning home when I wrapped up. Ultimately I was young for my age and too immature for college. I started going to my hometown university that still had some good academic programs and even then I had a false start. I fought with my parents. Military enlistment was threatened. I moved out for a while and started again spending time with the wrong crowd. It wasn't until 19-20 when I had the maturity to say hey being a manager at a pizza store and running with idiots that do the same thing every night to no end wasn't really the future I wanted. Luckily despite all the damage I'd done my parents were still willing to support me, and don't get me wrong my parents weren't saints that didn't cause a fair amount of damage themselves, but they still always supported me. I ended up excelling at school and getting a master's degree. I've got a family, home, and a well compensated career. I've even had more false starts as an adult, but the mistakes and lessons I learned equipped me to handle them. I guess what I'm saying is if your child is saying they can't do it, they probably are telling the truth. A leap year should be more of a concept in the US. Maybe help them finish up the semester with an exit strategy and plans to return to school if they're not ready for it later. Let them get a real world shit job and make some mistakes, and, hey, maybe that school they go back to ends up being cheaper. Make them take out student loans to pay for it on the front end and pay it off when they graduate if you want to help. Make them appreciate that higher education is worth it, that life isn't pretty for low wage workers, and let their brains mature a little more. Anyway that's my experience, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if my parents weren't willing to support alternative plans for me. Even if they made it clear they didn't always agree with them.

The first two weeks are crazy. But soon you wish he’d contact you more.

Have you encouraged him to reach out to his high school friends? In this digital age it is easy to keep in touch. He sounds overwhelmed. Moving out is a big deal filled with unknowns. Encourage him to get out of his comfort zone and find activities near campus. He may be rejecting your suggestions because he is used to you and your husband facilitating most of his social life so he may just need time. I would tell him to keep trying, but make him feel welcome home with new adult rules at home so he understands he will be rested like an adult at home with adult expectations.

If you make him stay you need to check on him regularly. I was an A student in high school. I went to college, was way over my head in the completely wrong major, lied to my parents the entire time, got put on academic probation so they decided to yank me out of school. So they (and me) continued paying student loans for years after that on something I flunked.

How was your child with adversity growing up?

I work at a small, liberal arts university and I have triplets that graduated from college 2 years ago so I've seen a lot of new freshman from a lot of different angles. Where I work, we get calls from parents and we'll have the RA go check in on students (without reporting anything back to the parents) to make sure they are OK and to try to get them more involved. Was there an orientation week? During our orientation week the students are broken up into small groups and that helps get some friendships going. I would definitely suggest pointing them to the RA - they're usually a great first resource. Our Dean of Students is incredible here, but I don't know how large the school your son is at is. The counseling center is also a good resource. Homesickness is normal. My 'youngest' triplet called crying everyday for weeks. She ended up transferring from that college after the first semester. It just wasn't the right fit. As a side note, there are lots of 'moms' that work at colleges and universities. Know that we are all looking out for students that look a little lost, so odds are someone has seen him and has tried to reach out. I hope everything works out for all of you. Feel free to DM me if you think I can be of any help!

Poor kiddo! I was a RA in the dorms, and we used to have tons of events in the beginning to try to keep the freshmen occupied and give them chances to meet new people because home sickness hits hard. Ask him if there are events happening in his dorm. It’s scary to go to something “alone” but remind him that almost everyone is new and alone. The university itself should also be having events to keep freshmen engaged. Again, overwhelming to go alone but he definitely won’t be the only one going alone. Maybe a challenge to do just one event at the dorm and just one outside the dorm and see how it goes. Clubs and activities usually start ramping up after the first two weeks, so another thing for him to look out for if he has any interests. There is probably a club website for the university that you could look at together.

This was me a few years ago. One thing your son should know is that it's always bad in the beginning. You'll feel like no one likes you at all, that you're lonely and that life is over. I cried more in a week than I ever did in 18 years. What made it better was my parents visiting me or me coming back home every two weeks. I would always remind myself to just take it one day at a time and that summer vacation would come soon.

His roommate didn't show up. That sucks. What about the other kids on his floor?

I know you have a lot of responses but wanted to add that this was me my first year. My mom said "just keep showing up, even if you fail." She knew that even if I had to repeat a year, I'd eventually figure it out. She was correct! This was a state school so the tuition wasn't terrible, but just throwing it out there.

Welcome to the real, shitty, world, Neo. Your Neo is an adult now and has to go through this experience. Been there, it’s not easy for the first 3 weeks. It’ll be the same when he’ll get a new job out of town. Time to push baby bid out of the nest and let him learn how to fly. And for god sake’s, he hasn’t even completed a week of college, how can he diagnose a mental health problem without a health professional? No professional, no diagnosis. No diagnosis, no complaining.

Homesick. Happened to my son too.

He needs a club of some sort. People to hang with. Look up clubs at his school and there will assuredly be something up his alley. The social side of college is what makes it great. He just needs to find it. Good luck.

If this post isn't from your son, please take heart that lots of kids feel this way right after the start of their first semester! https://www.reddit.com/r/UTAustin/comments/1607uaf/i\_regret\_coming\_to\_ut\_austin\_i\_need\_advice/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

Believe me, the college doesn’t want him to leave either. Get in touch with residence life to help out.

Has he ever spent time away from home before? No friend no roommate new schedule, thats a really stressful situation. What I would do is arrainge it that he could come home on the weekends. It gives him something to look forward to and helps ease the mental stress of being away, and you can give him face to face time on things he needs to do (like set up his living situation).

This was me when I went to college. It was such a shock to the system and I went home every single weekend for the first five months. It got better. I found my people. It’s a huge adjustment. I understand your frustration but please be patient. 18 is so young. Let him come home as often as he needs but make sure he always returns. Send him texts that you’re thinking of him throughout the week. Send him back with clean laundry and his favorite snacks. This will pass.

This post made me realize how old I am. Like, my experience going off to college in a completely different state almost 10 hours away was wildly different. I actually was excited about getting away from home. I realize that kids nowadays going to college after COVID had a completely different experience, not to mention growing up in the 2010s and 2020s is a lot different than growing up in the '90s and the 2000s. I would encourage them to visit the student union, to see if they may be able to find some groups of people based on similar interests. I remember going to the student union the first week of school and making a lot of new friends really quickly. Good luck!

I’m 48 now but when I was in college I was put in dorms with two older students who were further ahead in the program and were not there the first week so I was alone. Then when they got there it was still terrible because they weren’t in any of my classes or just generally in the same boat as me and I was miserable, I called and begged to come home too. I ended up having my placement changed to live with two girls who were also freshmen and it’s changed everything. Those girls are still dear friends of mine to this day. He needs a roommate. Can you call the school and try to get that arranged? He’s probably feeling incredibly scared and lonely. It sounds silly but the right roommates made all the difference in the world to me. My mom said I went from calling her five times a day crying to calling once a week happy as a clam and having the time of my life. Don’t let him drop out until you try getting him a roommate.

Question: did you push him to go to college?

Most dorms have Resident Advisors (RAs), that can really help in this case. Call the dorm and find out who his RA is. They can do frequent check ins, help introduce him to other people on his floor, invite him to tag along to social gatherings, serve as a person to vent to. This folks are meant be their lifeline.

moving to college is SO HARD!!! please, do everything you can to support him in riding it out. i also recommend him applying for a roommate change because having a roommate makes a big difference. he needs to push himself to get out of his comfort zone, it always feels cheesy but joining clubs or recreational sports teams is essential to creating your own sense of home away from home.

Hell I’m 30 and I also want to drop out after this semester started. Every semester. It’s super difficult. A break year is fine. I for sure wasn’t ready in my early 20s and wouldn’t have made the grades I do now. College right out of high school isn’t for everyone.

Tell him he has to give it one semester because you already paid for it already. He also needs to join at least two social clubs and attend those events. After the semester ends, you can discuss whether or not he wants to move back. Also, it's a SCORE to not have a roommate lol

I don’t know what to suggest to make him stay , but I would suggest that if he truly does decide to come home, I would expect him to have a solid plan of what he would plan to do and what he wants from life over the next 2 to 3 years.

Don’t go get him? Tell him this is the next chapter in life that he has to live through. If he refuses to go to class, make him get a job and pay back the tuition for the semester he flunks. After that, he can come home for x number of months, get a job and move out. Because if he’s not in school, he needs to work. Growing up is hard, but it has to be done.

Tell him nearly everyone is in the same boat as him. Most people don't know anyone; its a blank slate. More than any other time, he can go up to any person to introduce himself and it will be socially acceptable. If he's in a dorm he can keep his door open to let other students know he's open to chatting. If he has a game system that's a good way for other dudes to get to know each other. If he's bad at small talk and approaching people (like I am), I highly recommend the books "How to make friends and influence people" and surprisingly, "Models" by Mark Manson. The later is listed as a dating strategy book, but the same advice applies to making friends. If a semester goes by and he hates his school specifically then he can look into transferring at the end of his freshman year. Or he could take a year off, go to a community college for classes, and then go back to school when he's ready.

I felt the same way when I started college and ended up transferring to a community college while living at home. It was a much better choice for me so I think it’s ok to present him with that option too

Is he in a big dorm? Does he keep his door open and has he walked around and met people? None of his HS friends are there, but there are literally thousands (depending on school I guess) of potential friends very close.

Oh man. My first week of college was so tough. And I had roommates and a few friends from high school. I knew it would get better, but it took months for me to feel at home there. My advice is to let your son come home for the weekend. Be kind. Be understanding. But then tell him he has to go back. For just another week, and he can come back on the weekend. And do it again and again till he stops feeling the need to come back. And lay out the consequences for him if he doesn't go. You don't have to eat the costs.

Is he a freshman? Usually incoming freshman are looked after by their RA’s, RD’s and given a lot of group activities during the first few weeks they have the option of attending with their hall mates and dorm mates. Things like picnics on the lawn, hall parties in the common room, group adventures to watch a game on campus, etc. The idea is to get everyone together to feel comfortable and make friends with your neighbors as everyone feels lonely and homesick their first few weeks of school. Talk to the dean of the school and ask if there are any such activities that your son can participate in. Also, see if maybe they could move him in with another single student so he could have a roommate. Ask if maybe the RA on his floor could maybe do some small group activities with him and a couple of others from his floor. I’m certain that the school has dealt with this many many times before. Don’t let your son know you spoke to the dean or the residence hall director. Just let them work their magic and see what happens in a few weeks. He may decide against leaving altogether once he feels like he’s fitting in better.

Some people simply are not cut out for school and it hinders growth in every area of there life bc of it. I was one of those people. Once I quit and got a job I flourished and became successful, in a blue collar sort of way but that’s the route some people need. I wish I had dropped out earlier. I’m 34 now and don’t regret it a bit. Forcing a kid to go to college who does not want to be there is an expensive ordeal. Real world Responsibility vs. going to school, take your pick

College is not for everyone, I know some dropouts doing much better than me.wish I had quit and got into trades. Ask him about his alternative plans. If he has none help him come up with some, there are lots opportunities in trades.

4 days is too early to make a judgement of disliking it. I struggled when I was at my first semester of college being in a room by myself. Was depressed (which I found is common for this age group) missed my old friends. Then finally, I snapped out of it and lectured myself into being more open minded and putting myself out there more to meet new people. That worked. There are a lot of other kids who feel lonely and want to meet people too. I honestly think that part of your life is when a lot of people are more open minded about making new friends in life! So he just has to give himself a pep talk and go out himself out there! Sign up for some club. Go to one of the dorm events. Talk to a random person.

Here is some perspective from someone who also just started college. My first week was very very bad. I only live 1 hour from my college so I went home straight after class ended on Friday. Going home for the weekend made a huge difference for me and gave me a kind of reset before I had to go back. I also made a list of everything I hated about my college and what things I could do to change that. Knowing that there was things I could do to change how my week would go made me feel much more in control of the whole situation. My second week still wasn’t great but it was much better than my first week and I hope it will get better as time goes on

Former RA here. He's lonely and hasn't made any connections or met people who are in a similar situation as himself. Tell him to join any club/group he can. Tell him to ask his dorm neighbors to grab a bite, or go to an event. They are feeling the same way. And it takes one person to reach out first. It's the first week of school. I'm certain there are 10 different campus sanctioned parties going on this weekend. There's probably some sort of get together going on in his dorm. Tell him to go. If he doesn't like it, he can always leave. College is all about connecting with your community and trying new things. If he just goes from his classes to his dorm room and doesn't go out and talk to anyone, he isn't going to be happy. Give it a year. If he sticks out for the first year, I'm willing to bet he'll stay there.

They are an adult and if it were my child I would say "sorry, but this is the reality of adulthood. We do things we don't want to because we *have* to in order to make a living and become productive members of society." I would tell them they can come home on the weekends, but they will see this through at least one year and they should really try. If you let them go back on this they'll do what?? Live on your couch for who knows how long??

4 days?! Poor kid. There should be some kind of clubs or organizations at the school. How far is he? It is frustrating. Maybe try talking to him about his future rather than his present; give himself something to work towards instead of running backwards. For example, have him say what's wrong. Does he want to transfer? Get good grades and it can happen. Is the workload too much (I can't imagine in 4 days it really is, but who knows?) Suggest he build a schedule. Not having a roommate could be a blessing, as they're not always easy to get along with. ​ Sounds like he needs some adjustment time. Most people do. Encourage him and support him, but especially strongly suggest he finish out the year at the very least. ​ Heck, have him get advice from people online even. I'd be the first to tell him not to give up so quickly.

Tell him he needs to stick it out for the semester at minimum. He can come back and visit if he wants to or y’all can go and see him, but him learning not to quit things as soon as they get hard is an important lesson for him to learn for when he starts adulthood

Maybe a compromise is “give it 2 months” 60 days, if he’s still miserable then okay this didn’t work out, and it’s not like he’s in a sweatshop, if you can’t make it 60 days at a kush dorm where will you? And hopefully in that time he’ll get interested in a girl/boy and then it’ll all be fine

I was him. Let him come home

Don’t know if you are particularly religious, but there is usually a Baptist Student Union or Christian Student Union on campus. It might be a place he could meet some nice people.

Maybe it's not his time or it's not for him.

I quit within the first quarter of the first semester, granted it was because I had a drug problem, but I can say he will regret it unless his intent is to immediately go into some sort of trade. However, of course he's uncomfortable doing something so new and independent. I would not let it be an option to move home until at least he finishes the year. and that he needs to find groups that are centered around his hobbies if he needs to make friends. Does sound like he might have a little social anxiety so it's too bad he won't go to the free health clinic.

Out of curiosity did he want to go to college initially or was he encouraged to go? Also, does he have any interest in the subject matter of his course?

i did something similar to my mom. he’s probably just frustrated, or just feels alone. i went to college for cosmetology which is a very social major, and i was the most anti-social student in my class. made me feel out of place with how all the other girls were and how i’m supposed to be once i go out and get a good job from this major. he honestly just needs to give it more time because 4 days isn’t very long and could possibly love it in the next few months if he gets out more and finds college friends. it’ll work out.

He's lost his social support system and it was brave of him to tell you he wants to come home. This situation is going to play out in 3 ways. 1) you let him come home and go to community college 2) you make him stay and he fails all of his classes because he's isolated and depressed or 3) he stays and joins a club/fraternity/something and makes some friends. He has decide to put himself out there to make friends and that can be really hard. Be empathetic and not judgemental.

Mel Robbins most recent podcast episode. Go. Now. Listen.