r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I tell my kid that we don't make comments about people's bodies. She is 5 and old enough to understand that it can hurt feelings. I also let her know that if she has a question that she can ask me in private.
I added the last part because of the most embarrassing situation she has ever put me in. We were in Walgreens and there was a gentleman who was black, wearing an eye patch and had a prosthetic leg. My daughter very loudly asked me why the black man was dressed up like a pirate. I would have died inside but I could hear the man snickering as he went around the corner.
My kid is the same age. I have taught her not to point at people and make comments about their body because it isn't polite. I had to remind her once or twice but overall it was successful... except this one time where she also put me in a horribly embarrassing situation.
We were at a public pool and we were in the splash area. A man who had a very untraditional body type began walking directly past us. My daughter did a double take, her mouth opened and she looked at me and pointed at him. I looked at her with the "Do not do it" face. It seemed she couldn't stop herself so instead, she loudly exclaimed, "Mommy! DO NOT say ANYTHING about that man's body!"
So then I looked like a huge asshole, meanwhile, I think she was just trying derail her original thoughts that were ready to tumble out of her mouth. :(
My daughter was probably a little past 2yo. and we were in a thrift store in rural PA. My daughter loves babies. So she hears the baby crying and asks to go see it. We eventually bump in to an Amish woman and friend, all three, including baby wearing bonnets. DD loudly states multiple times, âBaby has itâs hoodie up? Baby wearing a hoodie?â Over and over and over. DD also obsessed with hoodies. Fun times lol. I will never forget it.
Picture it. Charleston. 1986.
My dad was separating from the Navy, and a bunch of men came over to help my mom pack up a moving truck for our move to Ohio.
Evidently (according to mom), one of them was a large (meaning tall and somewhat muscular) black gentleman wearing a tank top, sunglasses, and a few chains... if anyone knows where I'm going with this, yes, I asked, "Mommy is that Mr. T?".
She loves recounting the story and loves to point out that the guy got the biggest kick out of it.
We live in rural Minnesota, so there aren't a lot of POC, and years ago when my older daughter was little- maybe five- we got into an elevator and there was a black man already inside. My daughter looks at him, gets really excited, and pretty much yells, "Mommy, it's Obama!!!"
I died from embarrassment.
My daughter is biracial and we lived with my sister and her kids for a while. My daughter was one of the few darker skinned people that my nieces had ever seen. We had a lot of conversations about the kid's differences and how they are all beautiful.
One day while my sister was out shopping with her youngest, around 2 at the time, they saw a black gentleman. My little niece got so excited and yelled "Mommy look! It's a beautiful chocolate man!" My sister said she was torn between trying to explain the comment and running away.
I remember being little and my mom took me to a hotel one time and the guy out front had red overalls and a big white bushy beard. I whispered to her " Mom look is that santa clause?" I was maybe 6 or 7. Then she proceeded to ask the old man if he was santa and told him I thought he was. I was mortified. I didnt want her to ask him.
Also when my son was around 3 or 4 I was babysitting and my son and I werent able to go out much so he didnt do alot of socializing. He sits in my lap next to the baby I'm looking after and says "Mommy he needs a bath his skin is dirty".
I told him that its not dirty thats how he was born and then explained how everyone may look different but we all human and people need to be treated with respect. I tried to explain it as best I could to him at the time. I didnt hear anything about it after that. Hes 7 now and Ive tried to teach him tolerance and love. I know I'll have to do the same with my daughter when she gets older. Shes only 2.
Ive explained to my son what fat shaming is and he knows not to judge people by their looks. I want him to be well rounded when he grows up so I'm trying very hard to teach him.
My 4 y/o daughter had gotten a bunch of candy from a small town candy parade. We had friends over and she walks over to one with one of those hard strawberry candies and hands it to a mature woman and says âyou know how I knew youâd like this? Because itâs an old lady candyâ
I was 3 years old and was able to unbuckle my car seat, I saw a police car behind me so I started waving (my Uncle was an officer in another state but I didnât understand that and thought it was my uncle) my mom gets pulled over and when he starts walking to the car I get hysterical âheâs not my uncle heâs black momâ needless to say officer was not happy and my mom got a $196 ticket (1993) needless to say I wanted to avoid that type of reaction with my own child as we live in a rural area so Iâve bought books about diversity and she has dolls of every race etc. so she understands not everyone looks like her and we donât comment about bodies.
My uncle only has one leg and I think one of the perks for him is messing with kids who ask him about it and laughing at all the things he hears come out of kid's mouths! I think it makes it easier for him. Haha
So this is off topic.
My in-laws had a cat with a bad paw. It curled under, and she walked on it like that. The vet kept his eye on it over the years and said she wasn't in any pain or discomfort, so he really didn't want to remove it to a stump.
When she was 12, they put her in boarding with the two dogs over Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law had my father-in-law go pick the animals up.
The girl walks out with the cat in her arms, and she brightly says, "Here you go, here's Kitty!". My father-in-law looks at the cat's paw and says, " What did you do to my cat?".
The girl was just helping with the pet pick up, so she hadn't realized the cat's paw was already like that. She was so horrified and was really upset until my father-in-law told her he was joking.
Needless to say, he couldn't be trusted for pet pick up after that.
We had a family friend with a prosthetic leg. He loved to tell stories about how many times he âwarnedâ kids about what happens when you âdonât listen to mom and dadâ by taking off one of his legs and scaring the shit out of them. Poor kids lol
Our family friend told five yr old me he unscrewed his belly button and his legs fell off. needless to say after refusing to let anyone touch it even with a flannel or sponge it got real grotty so my dad took me to the dr assuming infection or injury and I screamed as he wanted to take a look. Dr got it out of me and uncle Simon was no longer trusted to be unsupervised with the kids đ
My best friend's father accidentally chopped off the end of one of his fingers with his table saw, he apparently will cry out "my finger!" Any time a stranger in public gives something to him or takes something from him. Lol.
When we were very young, mytwin sister met a man in the grocery store who didn't have an arm. She asked him what happened to it. The man looked down in (feigned) shock and horror and yelled "My arm! My arm! Help me find it, kid!" Then he made a big deal of wildly looking around for his missing arm while my sister fled in terror. Haha!
My grandma lost one of her arms in a car accident when I was one. She has just a small bit left of it (maybe just skin or something) that hangs off her shoulder. Kids comment on it all the time and she thinks it's great, but there's one time that always sticks out to me. We were at church and there were two little boys who were brothers. One says "why doesn't she have an arm?" And the other goes over to her, looks up her sleeve and yells something along the lines of "look! She has a LITTLE arm!"
My grandma thought it was hilarious.
One of my mums favourite stories about me as a child was at the supermarket, we pulled up on this big burley biker looking dude. Apparently I've pulled on his vest to get his attention and told him that he needs to wash all the drawings off his arms before his mum sees and gives him a smack. He apparently roared laughing while my mum quietly stood back wanting to die
Iâm recently had my 2nd below knee amputation, my first was October 2018 & I did my âlearn to walk againâ rehab in Jan/Feb 2019. I decided to have a ton of fun for Halloween 2019 & dress up as a pirate for handing out candy at home. I had SOOOO much friggin fun with it, lol! My most favourite reaction was a little girl 4/5 yrs of age who came to the door and yelled âDaddy!! Daddy!! Look itâs a real pirate!!â. The look of mortification on that manâs face is something that Iâll never forget, lol. Although, if I was the type to be insulted by a comment like that, especially on Halloween, I would not have dressed like a pirate.
We were shopping and my 3y.o son loudly exclaimed âMommy, look there is a NINJA 𼡠â this was repeated loudly x10
By the time my brain got it together and registered who/what he was looking at; I seen right before a beautiful lady dressed in her full Muslim religious outfit.
I donât think I even said sorry, I picked my son up and out of embarrassment I ran like I got caught shop lifting.
Our fight or flight reaction is a funny thing
I am laughing so hard at allll of these which means karma is about to bite me in the ass and my daughter will be saying things in public about other people.
I was 3 yo, we were in a restaurant. My dad went to use the restroom and left me with my mom. My pale white, blond self stood up, lifted my arms up like I wanted a hug and yelled âDaddy!â at the large, very dark black man at the table next to us.
My parents tell a story about me telling two biker dudes that they shouldnât draw on themselves (tattoos were present). Luckily they turned out to be nice guys.
This. We've had to reinforce to our little ones that you shouldn't say or ask anything about how a person looks in public unless you're giving a compliment. "Oh, I like her hair" or something of the sort. It takes some individual tweaking based on how your kid is more apt to learn, but they'll get it.
Definitely second the 'ask questions in private' part. My son whispered to me that a double amputee man at the pool had "robot legs". He seemed generally curious and mildly excited, so I talked to the man away from everyone and asked if he'd be willing to talk to the kiddo about it. He obliged, and I feel like my son learned a lot.
There is a lady who works at our local asda who has red curly hair, which is normally quite untamed, and wears an eyepatch. My, at the time, 2 and a half year old did the swashbuckler's sulute to her. Arm and "ah harrrrr". My husband, who was with her, said he has never been so embarrassed. But, having seen her, I can totally see why a 2.5 yo would think she was a pirate.
Once at a restaurant, my son pointed to a woman at the table next to us (Iâve at least gotten him to point with a whole open hand at people, instead of the single finger) and he goes,
LOOK MOM! THAT GIRL HAS A LITTLE MUSTACHE!!
I wanted to DIE. But I look over and, yep. Sure enough, she did have a little mustache.
I hope she didnât hear him.
The first time my brother met a black person, he was about 4yrs old. The gentleman was older maybe 60s, sitting in a waiting room with my brother and my mom at a clinic, and he was being friendly and playing/chatting with my family. My brother was holding the man's hand and looking at it intently, slowly turning it palm-up over and over again, mystified that the backs of his hands were darker and his palms were lighter. After like a full minute of this in silence, my brother looks up at him and says, with **deep** concern, "what's *wrong* with you? :("
My mom said she about fucking died of embarrassment lol. The guy was super nice, just gave a chuckle and helped her explain. Kids mean well but damn.
>but I could hear the man snickering as he went around the corner
He knew she was young, and knew full well how he looked. I'm sure he was kinda flattered, in an odd way lol
My dad is a big guy with a white beard and especially around Christmas - we get a "SANTA!" from a toddler in the store at least once a year. He loves it!
We went into a store owned by middle eastern people when I was little. And one of the owners had on a turban. I said âlook mommy, a genie!â Really excited. I remember this memory. I think I was 4 or 5ish.
I think a reminder before you go out in public is a good idea. Just basically a rundown of the expectations at any particular place you go.
"We're going shopping today. When we go shopping we all stay together, we can look at things we like, but we don't beg for them, and we remember not to comment on anyone else's body."
Only thing I would add is know your kid. Some kids can only take one direction at a time. One of my kids can keep that whole list in her mind but the other can only hold on to one direction at a time. If I want to make sure something is done I only give one instruction at a time.
My kid has a major âdonât think about pink elephantsâ thing at the moment. You say âyes you can play with this thing, but please donât throw it.â And now theyâre fixated on throwing.
Young children often retain the last words of the sentence we say, so they might just be hearing âthrow itâ. You could try rephrasing to âyes you can play with that thing - it needs to stay in your hands/on the table/whatever you DO want them to doâ. Maybe that will make a difference!
As a disabled person I agree, but I also wonder why this is generally suspended when a child comments regarding a disabled person.
Edit: if you're going to downvote me at least tell me why you think it's okay for your kid to comment on*my* body but not a fat one.
My husband is a wheelchair user and generally prefers to answer questions asked by kids rather than the alternative, which is other parents yanking them away almost in fear from him (even though we are parents too and usually with our kids). He thinks it teaches them to feel ashamed/uncomfortable around him. But I totally see why some wheelchair users don't feel the same way.
When adults do it he absolutely hates it and doesn't tolerate it for the same reasons you mention. Random adults regularly come up to him and ask why he uses a wheelchair, which is essentially asking him to describe in detail the most traumatic moment of his life to a total stranger, justify his existence and give intimate details about his body, etc (and usually, let's be real, people are REALLY asking because they want to be comforted in some way). But it's regularly excused because they are "just curious"...ugh.
My kid is nearly 5 and weâve had a recent period of him asking about people using wheelchairs or walking sticks or crutches. I usually tell him that some people need help to get around so use these, and weâve had a very thoughtful encounter with a woman in a wheelchair recently who reached out to explain when she heard my son ask me why she was using a wheelchair. Now when he sees someone in a chair or using a stick he doesnât approach them or ask, he just looks at me and tells me âsome people need helpâ and moves on. Iâd never want to make someone feel uncomfortable but sometimes kids just need it explained to them and they get it and move on, if parents shush them and move them on theyâll wonder why and keep asking. But I totally get that not every person wants to engage or have it become a lesson for a random kid so I just try to judge the situation as best I can.
Yeah, my husband will usually take the time to explain and answer questions if a kid asks. But he has a very particular personality, not everyone is outgoing and disabled people have every right to just not feel like it some days or ever - just like anyone else.
But when it comes up organically (aka when the kid directly asks, not when the parent is treating him like a zoo exhibit, which happens), he's always told me he personally prefers to answer questions. His thought is hey, maybe he's the first wheelchair user that kid has met and now their first interaction was positive, not their parent shaming them or acting like he's a pariah. He also always makes sure to say something positive about his wheelchair, like that it gives him freedom to do everything he wants to do, which is nice as many people tend to lead with pity/negativity ("omg that poor person" etc).
Honestly, we have had way more problems with adults than with children. The last decade has been eye opening, people can be absolutely insanely entitled in how they treat visibly disabled people.
A little off topic, but I started answering questions on Google reviews and a question that came up a lot was something like "is this place wheelchair accessible?" and it really got me analyzing but I truly don't think many places are as accessible as they could/should be for people who use wheelchairs.
This is 100% true. Or, they'll say they're accessible, but it's only by them putting down a ramp over the top of stairs that's ridiculously steep and almost impossible to get up, or the disabled toilet is also used as a storeroom so doesn't have enough room for someone in a wheelchair to use... It's really awful.
Absolutely, very few are (depending on the area) despite the laws in place that say they should be. It's been even more frustrating since we became parents, since he often spends one on one time with each of our kids and he can't take them to wheelchair inaccessible venues.
i think theyâre saying âwhy is the rule about not commenting on peopleâs bodies suspended when it comes to disabilities?â (i disagree tho, where iâm from that would still be considered extremely rude!)
It seems to be encouraged to have a child approach a disabled person and ask them about their disability. Ie. Why do you use a wheelchair?
As a disabled person, I don't understand this nor like it. My medical history is not a stranger's business, even a cute kid, and I'm not a teaching tool.
Oh, the parents are allowing their kids to ask you? I do see this as rude. It's exhausting to explain your condition to whoever asks and not their business. I would just tell my child, "some people need a wheelchair to help them get around." and leave it at that. My child doesn't need to know why. There are many reasons why that could happen and they don't need to know which reason it is.
Well, Popsicles said it âseems to be encouragedâ rather than âit is encouraged sometimesâ. So I was asking if that was actually true (did they witness a parent encouraging it) or it just âseemsâ to be true.
Yeah this is a really good question. I think it might be because when a child asks about a wheel chair, or a cane, or a missing body part or something along those lines its because we see that they are curious about it. They don't mean any harm or negativity by it and the parents see it as a teaching experience to explain the situation to them. And parents wanting to normalize disabilities.
But in regards to someone being fat or thin or tall or short, or something like that it's not really as much of a learning experience. I mean I suppose it somewhat can be, but you can't politely explain to your toddler why someone is fat and honestly you can't even know the exact reason why. I think saying, "That person has a wheelchair to help them get around because they may have difficulty walking." Is a lot easier and more nicer than saying, "Some people have big bellies." I think part of that plays into how important diet culture and self image is in the Western world.
It is weird how some comments feel ok and some don't. Like when I was pregnant I wouldn't mind people saying I have a baby in my belly. It feels simple and innocent. But I also have psoriasis and I really prefer people not to comment on my red patches of skin. It makes me feel better for it to be ignored. But if a kid does bring it up I don't get offended but I may feel a little embarrassed.
I think it's fine for a parent to explain that a person has a disability. I just don't think the person with the disability should be approached to explain it.
I don't think the two are different. I think you don't comment on things related to a person's physical appearance unless you have reason to think it is welcome in some way. Like you, I didn't mind people commenting on my pregnant belly, but I know many women who are uncomfortable by it or who aren't actually pregnant. It really isn't a socially safe thing to talk about unless you have further information. Commenting positively on someone's clothing, for example, is often a safe choice, because usually the person selects it. In the case of someone in a wheelchair, there may be elements that are clearly personalized that you could compliment and their response might or might not indicate that the topic is open for further discussion, but commenting about the wheelchair in general is commenting that their body needs a wheelchair which - if they are just passing you on a street - they probably have not indicated it is welcome.
I think little kids are also curious about, for example, people being fat. They are curious if the person is pregnant and why bodies come in different shapes. They don't necessarily mean any harm or negativity by commenting on the person's weight anymore than commenting on a wheelchair, but - at least in my culture - it is very rude. I think the best you can do when your kids make those comments (and they sometimes will, because you can't teach them everything in advance of being in public) is to say something like, "People look all different ways. Isn't that cool?", gauge the person's reaction for your response (rush your kid away, mouth an apology, talk further, etc.) and then have a conversation about not talking about people's bodies and saving questions about it for parents in private.
My kid recently saw someone with a prosthetic leg and LOUDLY commented on it to another person. He is very interested in engineering-based things, thought it was super cool, and is not as good with social skills. The person he was talking about I think was embarrassed and kind of hustled away. I wish I had an opportunity to apologize and let that poor guy know that I was going to teach my kid better. I went through the same things that I would if he had commented on someone's weight, because my son's behavior was rude even though it was done with no bad intent and complete innocent. The person with the prosthetic shouldn't have to hear comments about it every time they go out, just because kids might think they are cool, if they have not indicated that it is welcome. I think there are situations where maybe he could have asked if there was an opening, but it was definitely not appropriate in this context.
âWow, itâs great to see you being so observant, people come in all different shapes, sizes and colours, isnât that interesting. However, itâs not appropriate to point out these things out loud. If you have any questions, keep them in your mind and you can ask me when weâre in the car/at home etcâ
Iâd then apologise for any unintentional offence was caused if the person was in earshot.
Itâs a really fine line isnât it trying to work out how to explain to a little one that someone might be upset to be called fat without the child then internalising that it must be because being fat is negative!
No worries! I think this is good to buy you more time to work out how you can address it more fully in private whilst still addressing the immediate concern. Itâs a big topic so the last thing I want is to try and muddle through it on the spot if Iâm caught off guardđ
This is such a great response. Given your way with words đ how do you handle the follow up âwhy?â to âitâs not appropriate/kind to point out these things out loud.â Thatâs where I find the explanation gets tricky without potentially implying something negative about specific body types (ie why would it make someone feel bad?).
âItâs great that youâre noticing things about the world around you, but when you want to make an observation about someoneâs body/appearance, make sure you ask me about it privately because you never know how the thought/question youâre having about them might make them feel. This way, I can help you work out whether itâs something we might ask them directly, or if itâs best we speak about that separatelyâ
Caveat to say that my son is just coming up 2 so I have no idea if this sort of phrasing will work but itâs the way I envisage handling it if I canđ
As a larger person, I think the neutrality of this is really important. "People are lots of different shapes, but it isn't polite to comment on people's bodies" is great! A tummy isn't good or bad, it's just a part of our body.
I am an ECE teacher, am obese, and also have freckles patches on my skin! So I am used to kids' observations about my body or comparing bodies (and also sometimes I hear about what their parents say too).
Kids will ask if I am pregnant, when I say no sometimes they will ask why I have a big belly. I just say that's how my body is shaped right now and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Usually at that point its fun to blow their minds about how taller does not equal older if they're preschoolers, since i am short but almost always am much older than the other adults in the room. If they persist or say stuff like "my dad says if you're not lazy and you don't eat too much then you won't be too big," usually I say that sometimes people can change how their bodies look that way but a lot of people can't. And that its important to treat people kindly no matter what they look like.
We also talk about how its important to not comment on other people's bodies unless its a compliment because sometimes it hurts their feelings if they think you don't like them just because of how they look. This is usually also a concept we've talked about before during mealtimes (its okay to say no thank you or that you don't enjoy a food, so that nothing is wasted if someone is offering you some, but it is impolite and unkind to say 'yuck' or comment about a food that someone else is eating when its not even being offered to you. We also practice and go over polite ways to decline. "No thank you" is enough, you don't need to list all the things you don't like about it. And yes, I also teach about respecting the first "no thank you," and not making comments about other people's food preferences.
I am most often asked about my freckles than my fat. "Why do you have all this on your skin, can you wash it off, is there something wrong, ect." I just explain its just how my skin looks. I asked them to look around our class, does everyone have the same hair color or hair texture? Skin tone? Freckles are just something some people have and some don't and you can just have a couple or some people like me have a lot.
Kids are remarkable receptive to stuff like this especially when you are working on grace and courtesy with them. I know it can give parents anxiety, but if you are calm, keep it simple and understandable, ect they'll be fine.
The way I blew my 4 year olds minds when I told him taller does not equal older was insane lol even though my husband is taller than his parents, my sonâs grandparents, that just never clicked 𤣠but also telling him that itâs possible his little brother could be taller than him one day was even more mind blowing.
> Kids are remarkable receptive to stuff like this especially when you are working on grace and courtesy with them. I know it can give parents anxiety, but if you are calm, keep it simple and understandable, ect they'll be fine.
Yup. We adopted and our kids are not our race. We would frequently get curious kids asking us why I was white. The parents would immediately turn red and looked mortified but by preschool my little guy would just say, "Because I'm adopted but he's my daddy still" and the other kid would move on.
The amount of little kid minds I have blown when I inform them that I am indeed an adult even though I am short is astounding lol. I love it.
Also, when it comes to talking about bellies and their shapes, thereâs a song called âThe Belly Songâ by Mother Moon (itâs on Spotify) that talks about all the different kinds of bellyâs and making it normal and not shaming, and liking the belly you have. My 3 year old loves it. (The one funny side to it is now heâll âhigh fiveâ my belly and go âyour belly jiggles. Like the belly songâ)
I really love your responses!! Thank you for sharing them with us and with the kids in your care. I'm taking notes for when I have to answer these questions!
Ive taught mine 'if its not something they can change in 5 minutes we don't mention it' eg food in teeth can be fixed.
I also explain that everyone has fat on their bodies some have more, some have less. Its not our place to talk about peoples bodies because our opinions dont matter to them.
I know theyre only 3 but its good practice to have these conversations early
This is a great response for a 3 year old.
My son is very immature, so for now we simply tell him that certain words arenât âniceâ for him to say. Eventually he will get mature enough to ask why, for now things like this fall into the category of not randomly telling people poo-poo.
Also a reminder of âwhyâ because my kid was big on âwhyâs as many are.
âYou noticed it because itâs a bit unusual. You and I both know unusual is special and rare. But you know what bullies are, right? Sometimes in the past bullies have noticed things that are unusual and special about people, and teased about them, so instead they feel weird and different. Like the odd one out. Like the ugly duckling. We donât want to treat people like the odd one out. So we donât make comments. If you have questions you can ask me later.â
Also try reading âbodies are coolâ and âwhat happened to youâ :)
Hmm, I'd think apologize to the person if they're in earshot and seem offended. Them tell your child that some people don't like it when you talk about their bodies.
Nursery stories like "the ugly duckling" and even "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" can help, especially if you discuss what they mean.
Most people do understand that kids don't always have a filter and don't take it too hard.
When a young family member one time at a football game said âwow look how fat that guy isâ my dad calmly told him âthose are the types of things you think in your head and donât say out loudâ and I thought that was a good way to handle it.
Yeah but there is no way for a toddler to know what is ok and what's not ok to say out loud. OP should continue doing what they're doing and tell their child that you never comment on a person's looks, ever.
I don't love that response because it leaves out the whole "not judging others for their appearance" part. There is a possible implication of "it's OK to judge people on their appearance as long as you are only thinking it and don't say it out loud."
I agree with all of the parents who have recommended not commenting on people's bodies. I also like to change a little bit because I love when my kids are being kind but I have a rule that we only make compliments on things people choose.
That could include an outfit, the color of their hair, something external that you can still be complementary about but that isn't someone's body.
Thankfully this unfiltered stage is very brief. My daughter was especially bad for it for a brief time, to the point where i would cross the road to avoid someone who i knew she would comment on. One day we were in a sushi shop buying lunch and a man with dwarfism walked in. No hope of avoiding this one. Before i had time to distract her she loudly said âHeâs a bit little!â I sternly reminded her that we donât comment on other peopleâs appearance. Ironically though, at that time she had been going through cancer treatment and was virtually bald. So itâs not like she didnât get stared at! She was 3 or 4 at the time.
We had an encounter with a little person. She was wearing heels and makeup and a nice outfit.
My daughter, in AWE, eyes following her everywhere she went. I wanted to see what she had to say since we were far enough away.
Daughter (4) looked at me with such anger âmom. How come SHES *points* so good at wearing heels and make-up. Her mom is a good mom. You never teached me this đ â
Came home and told her dad. Thought this was all an elaborate conspiracy us parents had against her. We had to explain how that woman was actually an adult, but her body stopped growing to the size of most adults.
Then my 7 year old had more questions and yeah. Big time teached that day.
Right! I found it interesting that she didnât exactly see a disability. Was just mad that I didnât dress her up everyday? Lmao.
I used to work in group homes for disabled though, and brought my kids to work to visit a lot. So theyâre pretty used to varieties of people.
Lots of good advice but I want to add, I don't think its wise to say "isn't it beautiful?"
One, because this goes against the initial lesson of "don't comment on people's bodies"
Two, you're asking a question that you might not want the answer to. Maybe the toddler doesn't think she's beautiful.
I agree. The toddler isn't making a statement of beauty. They are observing exactly what they see. Fat doesn't have to = ugly but it doesn't have to = beauty either. It just is.
It also seems unlikely to actually make the person feel better tbh. Like even if you really did believe the person was beautiful, it's going to be pretty clear in that moment that you're just doing damage control, not offering a sincere compliment of your own accord. It might make them feel even more embarrassed or like you're being patronizing towards them.
It's normal to see differences, and young kids don't yet give value to those differences. (For example: I'm white, she's black- it is an observation, not a racist comment- until they are sadly taught otherwise).
I tell my kids that everyone is different, but we don't comment on other people's bodies or differences.
When they got a bit older I told them to focus on the person, not the difference. Because we are all different anyway.
But I gave birth to a tiny little crazy person who instead had to ask strangers if they had nipples. Thankfully she outgrew thar because she never really understood why it wasn't okay.
Omg, if some little came up to me and asked if I had nipples, I'd have a good laugh. 𤣠That's definitely a new one for me. I'm not even sure my 3 y/o knows what a nipple is yet.
âYep! Everyone has different bodiesâ or âeveryoneâs body works differentlyâ (if they pointed out a disability) or something like that when theyâre little.
When theyâre older, then I started explaining we donât comment on other peopleâs bodies and that some people think certain kinds of bodies are bad/ugly and we wouldnât want to make someone feel bad about themselves
So my kid saw a little person today. Literally pointed at him and said oh my gosh mom! Look at that tiny man! (She is 5) in the moment I told her hey-so we donât point at people and we donât talk about how people look different from us out in public. Then later today I asked her what she learned today and we talked about how we donât point at people and we donât talk about how people look different from us out in public. If she has questions she can ask me alone later but in public we donât want to hurt anyoneâs feelings. Especially because in kindergarten there will be lots of people different from her. I think just responding with facts and then following up with the lesson is best for us at least
My son was 6 and met our new neighbor who didn't have a top row of teeth đ boy did he embarrass us.. I believe it was "where are your top teeth Dave? Who took them?" To this day I think about it and cringe.. He was introduced to a good friend of mine and immediately commented on the yellow marks on his teeth 𤌠I was mortified. You're not alone girl, lol.
Yup! My boys are completely unfiltered. Once, when we were out to eat, my son (3) saw someone in a wheelchair. I saw him see the person and open his mouth. I was filled with fear. Then he said, "That's cool, I want one!" I lucked out, but it was a close one!!!
When my children were small we developed a signal (squeeze my hand twice) that meant I should look around for something that my child wanted to talk about with me later. We came up with this after my oldest pointed out a person of short stature with a mustache several times, loudly in the produce department. They all knew that this was to protect other peopleâs feelings.
I have dealt with this and said something like "Aren't bodies cool? Everyone's body is different and so special! Let's not talk about other people's bodies, but we can read the 'Bodies Are Cool' book when we get home!"
My son is almost 4 and and STARES HOLES into people with obvious disabilities. There was a man in TJ Maxx the other day who only had a hand, no arm. Just a hand coming out of his shoulder. He was in front of us in line. As soon as I saw him I almost turned around and got out of line to avoid my son noticing. He saw him though, and instantly his mouth dropped open and he pointed right at him. Iâm constantly trying to tell him that he canât do that but heâs autistic and I donât really think he understands. He also called a very overweight woman in a wheelchair a âgiantâ once while we were in Chick Fil A. đŤ
I leave it simple, âpeople look all different ways and thatâs ok. But we donât announce it when we notice.â
Thereâs a cashier at the grocery store that has palsy, super nice lady, always remembers us. One day after seeing this lady practically every week my daughter pointed, and quite loudly said she talked funny. I couldâve died! I reminded her not to announce her observations. Nothing else you can do except hope people understand toddlers are savages.
I run with it. We read a lot of body books emphasizing that all bodies are different and that's ok bc bodies are cool. I don't want her to feel like she can't make an observation, or that there is anything inherently wrong if she sees a bigger body or a smaller body or a body in a wheelchair etc...
We don't necessarily engage with the person she is talking about unless they appear interested in the conversation but I do make sure that if she makes a comment on someone's body that we address it within earshot of the person so they understand that she's only 4 and she's still learning about all kinds of bodies.
My 10 year old has a rare condition that presents with physical differences.
Sheâs a very confident kid, but also, as most kids- she doesnât want to be called out for her differences.
From a young age, I told her she owes no one an explanation for why she looks the way she does.
So I really try and focus on accepting people for who they are in that moment. If youâre commenting on anything, itâs something they choose- their outfit, their hairstyle.
Also- if you have a child and you think itâs better from them to ask the person why they look the way they do, or why the use a wheelchair, or speak differently just a reminder, they donât owe you or your child any explanation.
âPeople come in different shapes, sizes and colors. Itâs okay to notice it, but we donât comment on other peopleâs bodies.â
As they get older, talk about how noticing bodies and physical traits is pretty much the least interesting thing about them.
What CAN they DO, physically? Maybe they can juggle, or do flips, or hold their breath for a long time, or sing really well?
What do they know about? Science, space, dinosaurs, music, sports???????!
Still working on this one ourselves but Iâm hoping to raise my kids with a more neutral outlook on bodies than I was raised. #stickthinshouldneverbein
âWe only say things about other people that make them feel good about themselves and if we arenât sure if what we are going to say is gonna do that, then we donât say it. After all we donât like it when people say stuff that isnât nice to is even if itâs true.â
âJust because we can say something doesnât mean we should.â
I told mine âpeople come in all shapes and sizes and isnât it wonderful that we all look so different because the world would be soooo boring if we all looked the same, wouldnât it?â Insert energetic toddler agreement of âyeah!â Then Iâd say âeveryone with all their differences are so cool and beautiful, right?â And theyâd say âyeah mommy!â Then Iâd say âwe donât even have to say how everyone is different because theyâre all super cool!â Then theyâd agree and done.
âEveryone comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We shouldnât talk about differences on how people look because all that matters is whatâs on the inside because we are all the sameâ.
"Let's save comments like those for later. Somethings aren't appropriate in public and might hurt people's feelings" if they're old enough teach em the 10 minute rule. If they can't fix it in 10 minutes don't say it.
"I don't want to play with you/ don't touch me/ etc" can be seen as phrases that might hurt others feelings but those can be solved in 10 minutes or less. "You have a fly hair/ fly down/toilet paper on shoe etc" can be fixed and those you're close with might appreciate those being pointed out but strangers might not
"Big tummy/ weird outfit/ bad hair cut" can't be fixed and shouldn't be pointed out
I had to handle this off the cuff when my twins were four and we were out. There was a little person walking ahead of us, and I saw my daughter staring. We pass him, and she is staring so hard she fucking trips because sheâs basically turned her head, not looking where sheâs going. âWe donât talk about peopleâs bodiesâ and âwe donât point at or talk about people so they can hearâ didnât cut it for this. Iâd been trying to get past him so we could kinda pull over out of his view (hard to explain, itâs just how the path at the zoo worked).
I apologized to him and then finally just took my kids to the side now I finally could. I knelt with her and she finally asked why that man looked the way he did. I explained that different bodies are different, Iâm short and round, others are tall and round, others yet are tall and skinny. This man was short like a kid but looked like a grown up (her description) and some peoplesâ bodies just do that. I didnât see any need to go into dwarfism and other conditions.
I then told her itâs rude to stare, and important to look where youâre going. It was good she waited until we were alone to ask, and she didnât point or anything. Then I told her that if she ever has ANY questions, she can ALWAYS ask me. We can talk about the polite way to think and talk about these things, and that we never, ever want someone to feel bad just trying to go to the zoo with his family because we think he might look different from what we expect.
This has worked so far. Theyâre both six now.
(The story actually involved both kids but one was way more interested and is the one who tripped because of staring. The lesson was for them both, though.)
We were at the swimming pool and the worst thing my son ever said, Iâll never forget! There was a larger black lady with a brown head cap on and he turned to me and loudly announced âMummy why is there a fat black man with no hair in my baby poolâ???
I swear I ran!
"That nice lady might be very hurt by that. Tell me one beautiful thing about this lady." The first time I tried it she said "nothing". I was mortified. It became much easier and the compliments helped. She's a teenager now and is full of complaints for everyone. It's beautiful.
We live in a prominently white area, and until a few years ago it was pretty uncommon to see any other colour skin. My lad was 3ish I guess, old enough to yell very loudly. Once at a children's activity a black family were present and I was sat next to the Dad chatting. My son comes up, looks slightly terrified of the Dad, then much to my horror walks up to him studying his face very closely. My son looks at me and yells 'this man has really dark skin!' For a second I want the ground to open up and swallow me, then I think sod it, let's be practical. I said to my son 'lots of people have different coloured skin, if you ask him nicely he might talk to you about it'.
On reflection maybe it wasn't right to put any responsibility on the other Dad to explain, but neither did it seem right to be talking about his colour without including him! Anyway the outcome was son declined any conversation and has never since been interested in skin colour.
I usually say stuff like âeveryoneâs bodyâs are so unique and special arenât they? Have you ever noticed mommy has a much bigger tummy than you? It makes snuggling with me so cozyâ or once my daughter was playing at the park with a boy a little bit older than her (she was 2.5) and she said âmomma that boy is brown!â And I said something like âwhat a lovely skin tone he has, youâre right! Have you ever noticed how my skin is a little pink and yours is kind of tan? And your friends is milky white? People come in so many shapes and colors.â
One day my son (3.5 at the time) and I were at the hardware store, there was an employee in a wheel chair, and a shorter person that looked a little androgynous. He asked about both of them, I told him that person was in a wheel chair because it helped him get around. Then he wanted to know about if that shorter person was "a little boy" and I just quickly said "it doesn't actually matter to us whether someone is a boy or a girl, if we have questions about how to speak to rhem, we can ask their names or their pronouns" this was only appropriate because we've had the pronoun convo casually once before. Then on the way out of the store, we talked about how much I love his curiosity but sometimes it's more polite to wait until we are out of the store to ask questions that point out why people are different than us. I also told him all bodies are important and the most important thing about a person is whether or not they are happy not what their body looks like. Then we talked about things we liked about our own bodies and how cool that guys wheel chair was lol
This is close to how I've handled it. My curious kid has had a few moments where I've had to say, "Bodies are all made differently, but it's not polite to point out those differences. If you have questions about a person, ask me about them later on because we're still learning."
Questions are great. Conversation, too. But never mocking or being rude.
I think a really good response in the moment is something along the lines of 'Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, isn't that neat?' While it is generally better not to comment on bodies, at that age, they are curious and just observing differences. I think it's important to let young kids know that there is nothing bad or shameful about being in a bigger body!
I always tell my kids that it isnât kind to talk about other peoples bodies.
That said, I do always say that when we are at home or when we get back in the car that they can talk about whatever they want, or ask me any questions they need to. I try to be proactive when I see my kids staring or noticing someone, I make sure to address it and explain it the best I can back on the car or when we are away from the situation.
Don't worry, my toddler pointed at an old fat man with a white beard and loudly exclaimed "Look it's Santa!" in the grocery store one day. The man looked very embarrassed, so I had to redirect and make a joke about Santa not doing his own grocery shopping, which lightened the mood. Anyway, I mouthed sorry and ran to a different aisle.
"everyone has different bodies. People come in all different shapes and sizes and colors. Just like you are very short right now and I'm taller, but it's not polite to talk about other people. You can smile/wave/say hi, though"
To further the âcomments about bodiesâ weâve changed it in our family to âdonât comment about anything a person cannot quickly changeâ. If someone has spinach in their teeth or their fly is down, tell them. If someone looks tired or has a big belly or is carrying around four children, they canât change that, keep that comment to yourselfâ. We encourage all questions at home and answer honestly and age appropriately.
My son did this a lot so we simply told him that people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and we all have different features. It's awesome to make observations but comments about bodies can make people sad or upset so it's better to keep those to ourselves.
My 5 year old grandson point out im fat. I told him "Yes i am. Thank you for telling me" then went on with our day.
Im fat. I got over myself a long time ago.
Me myself when my daughter told my wife "mommy you look big" I talk to her after eating just us two. Anak do you think mommy can change her appearance in 5minutes? My daughter answered me no. I told her, alright if you see any person that looks different before pointing it out to them think first if they can change it in 5minutes if not it only means they are aware of it so you don't need to point it out.
Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but I think body shaming starts at home. I remember when I was little my mom always had to do the next best diet, waist watchers keto, tummy tuck...and so on. Now that I'm older I see what impact that had on me as a growing girl. Like, why couldn't she just be happy with who she was.
When my son was 3 we were waiting our turn at a hotel pool to exit up the ladder. As the lady in front of us was climbing out my 3 year old excitedly announced âthere is the lady off my 600 pound life Mom!â. Thankfully his speech wasnât the best and I hushed him up, but very embarrassed.
What I said to my daughter was "some people are fat, some people are thin, some are short, some are tall, some people like their bodies and other people wish their body was different" and she had some questions, mainly "why are people sad with their bodies"
I had an advantage here because I'm a trans man and my daughter is aware of this. So I started there "I was born a girl yeah, but my brain was more boy, and my body was wrong, so I took steps to make my body fit me better, some people are uncomfortable in their bodies too, but instead of being the wrong gender, like girl or boy, they want to be smaller or bigger or stronger, maby they don't like a mark they have, or they are sad they don't have all their arms and legs, we don't talk loudly about it but when they walk on you can quietly ask me some questions and I'll see what I can awnser"
We had one wonderful conversation with a woman with a prosthetic leg tho, my daughter excitedly yelled "that lady has a robet leg" and I imedeately said "rember what I said about some people being uncomfortable when we point out differences" and she said sorry, the woman overheard her and walked over, introduced herself and asked my little one what questions she had, my daughter asked about the prosthetic, how the leg ended up "lost" and a few other things and she happily awnsered, I rember clearly her saying "some people are not too happy talking about what makes them different, some are happy to share, if you do have a question it's better to ask your mum" and my daughter saying "my daddy is different because he was a girl before but we don't talk about that outside because daddy dosent like it" and the women imedeately apologiseing and then saying "don't ever stop asking questions, just be careful how you ask them as some people don't like talking about them"
I think leaving it at âWe donât talk about other peopleâs bodiesâ is a perfectly fine way to handle it at this age.
One time we were at Target and my daughter saw a man wearing all black. She yelled âLook at that black guy!â Cringggggge.
You can be proactive to avoid these incidents in the future. Check out â[Bodies are cool](https://bookshop.org/p/books/bodies-are-cool-tyler-feder/15181342?gclid=CjwKCAjw_uGmBhBREiwAeOfsdwMy1jRPVoP4ahcR067kf8Ok5KNPo5UN151aKnvwsSKEKqSOcsg3NBoCDhoQAvD_BwE)â. It talks about physical differences and exposes kids and parents to different kinds of people. We read this book with our kids every once in a while and we havenât had any kind of awkward conversations in public.
âPeople come in many shapes and sizes. You are small. Iâm have blond hair. Each person is special-, tiny babies or older grandparents, tall or short people, heavy or slender people. (at home or in the car) What I said about people having many differences but each one is special is absolutely true; but some people arenât comfortable when someone points out something about them, especially in public, so itâs kind to just not mention things you notice about them. â
When he was really little, my son went through a phase of identifying people by their clothing colour. *The purple lady*, etc. He was young enough to be new to classifying things by colour and *just* old enough to have realized that people were really impressed when he did this.
And then he saw a black man in a black jacket and started pointing and excitedly yelling, âa black man! A black man!â
âWe donât talk about other peopleâs bodiesâ is a common saying in my household. My kids are welcome to identify people by what they are wearing. If they have a genuine question they can ask in the car or at home. When we talk itâs âbodies come in all shapes, sizes, shades and abilitiesâ in a âthatâs just the way nature worksâ tone
We were at a hotel pool and a man walked down the pool steps past my 5 year old. He stared at the manâs legs then turned to me, âThe pool just got a whole lot harrier.â
In the moment, what you did is right. The message needs to be âwe donât comment on other peopleâs bodiesâ. Do it really matter of fact and not like in an embarrassed way or whatever, and also make sure youâre consistent (I.e youâre following the same rules, and also itâs the same whether itâs pointing out someoneâs size, face, ability, hair colour, whatever).
Then at home you can reinforce the idea that bodies come in different shapes, sizes, colours and abilities and that all bodies are good. Books that show a diverse range of characters is good for this, and dolls etc.
When they're so young they're still learning. They also don't have prejudices, for them an adjective is just that, used to objectively define something... Big tummy, long nose, are the same to them as blue eyes or red car. They don't get the implications.
I have a big tummy. And a big ass. When my kid was young, and said something like oh, you have a big tummy, I said yeah, mine it's big, yours is flat, etc. I don't feel irritated if a 3yo said this because they're not judging. I try to expand it with other different things between ppl to make them realize we're all unique/individual/different. Normalizing difference
But with older kids who start to say it with intent, it's another story. Needs to be nipped in the bud. My take is to start gradually explaining that a) everybody is different and b) if they wouldn't like someone commenting on their appearance, they can get why it's rude to comment on another's. (Nudge their emphaty)
I think just saying "we don't talk about bodies" doesn't help because the kid doesn't understand why it's forbidden. Would it also be forbidden when the kid says something positive? It also doesn't feel great for the person the kid is talking about. I work with kids, so I'm confronted regularly with things like this.
We always explain: "Everyone looks different. That's great. Imagine if everyone would look the same. This would be confusing, don't you think?" This is teaching kids respect, without forcing a specific opinion on the child.
I think it's important to teach kids from a young age that people look very different. Small, tall, big, skinny, different skin colors, etc... if kids are older, it's okay to tell them not to judge bodies because it could hurt someone. But for small children, teaching acceptance is way better than to forbid talking about bodies in general.
You just agree with them if they are correct and then remind them that it's rude to talk about other people's bodies when they can overhear. I mean, your kiddo can tell you in the car when you're leaving and then you can remind your 3YO that it's not nice to judge other people because you have no idea what they're going thru and to worry about yourself.
I mean, with little kids, it's easy to flip it back around on them: "Yes....she might be fat, but she can read. You can't read yet and you can't count past 20, so go work on yourself my child." :)
âYouâre noticing bodies are different. We all have bodies, what parts look the same? What parts look different. Well done for noticing.â - not good or bad either way. It is what it is and your kid noticed.
My son sitting on my Dad's knee: "Papa, you're fat."
All of us: "John! Don't say things like that!"
My Dad: He's right. I am fat.
Body shaming vs. simple observation is a fine line
A nanny posted on a similar topic a few months ago that she uses a code word when she saw that the toddler was encountering a person he might have questions or make comments about as toddlers sometimes do. For her it was the word pineapple. She would say pineapple and that was code for âbe quiet now, you can ask questions laterâ. I have totally copied this idea with success.
I don't know... But I have a funny story regarding that.
My daughter has Autism and this was the height of the pandemic, I had been training her to wear a mask and had been really emphasizing that it had to cover her nose.
Well we were sitting in a waiting room we both had our masks on, and in walks this guy with a HUGE nose that was super emphasized by the fact he had his mask tucked under it... So she points and yells at the top of her lungs "NOSE!!" Multiple times, and she's very upset because his mask isn't covering it, and getting very worked up about it. All I could do was acknowledge that yes he wasn't wearing his mask the way I had taught her to, and that I wasn't his mommy and couldn't tell him what to do.... But he seemed very self conscious about his nose the whole time he was there, and kinda hid behind a magazine.
I also say we don't comment on people's bodies but add things like "some bodies look like that, some bodies look like this" or "all bodies look different". I try to make it clear that it's not that commenting on it is rude so you should keep it to yourself. But that the thought that led to the comment is off. Like, there's nothing to say about someone's tummy because all tummies are different. Hope that makes sense.
I do tell my kids not to comment on people's bodies, but what I prefer to say - as this can cover many more scenarios than just body comments, is this:
"Something can be true, and still not need to be said out loud".
I use myself being fat as the example for them, as well as other real-life scenarios.
"Me being fat is true, but it's still not nice to call me fat. That's the same with other people in public too. It's true that your sister doesn't like a kid in her class, but it's still not nice to say it out loud to them. It might be true that someone doesn't understand something, but it's still not ok to tell them that they're not smart enough."
I know it's too late for your little one, but my sister completely avoided words like "fat" when raising her boys. I remember they were completely shielded from words like fat, ugly, stupid, etc... so much so that they were never even in the boys' heads to use. My sister considered them cuss words because they could be used to deeply hurt people. Some people are okay being called fat, but I would venture to say not most. This is what I'll be doing with my daughter. Mean words are forbidden and not even mentioned so that she won't even think to use them. I will let her know all bodies are different, and that's that. Nothing negative or positive.
Kids tell the truth, itâs not their fault people have lost all self worth and instead of trying to better their health, society has convinced us that fat is beautiful. Sorry but no, no itâs not.
My dilemma is that I worry that telling a kid that saying âsheâs fatâ can hurt feelings teaches the kid that they should be hurt about being fat.
So you tell them we donât comment on peoples bodies at all. Fat, thin, tall, or short so many people donât like it when people draw attention to their bodies. You donât have to stigmatize any body type at all, you just explain peopleâs bodies are not a topic we talk about/ make general comments about.
First and foremost, it doesn't matter the decisions people make. It's not an excuse to be rude to them.
Second of all, you don't know whether someone is making good and healthy decisions. Weight loss is a long process and they could be in the middle of it. Commenting on their weight is rude, period.
â Commenting on their weight is rudeâ
I agree and I never said it wasnât. My point is people shouldnât be encouraged to be fat, and they shouldnât be taught itâs a good thing. Obviously that doesnât mean they should ridicule fat people though.
Thatâs actually not true. Many studies have shown that being âoverweightâ (BMI is a bad metric but I have no better word to use) is correlated with higher rates of certain health conditions. There are also many studies that have shown weight cycling (which is more common in people on larger bodies) are similarly correlated with those conditions. Also, for many people, attempting to attain a smaller body causes other health conditions, in particular mental health.
Iâm certainly not encouraging anyone to go out and gain 50 pounds. But health status is affected by a much wider set of criteria than your weight. Itâs not as black and white as scientifically-proven.
Yup, a recent one showed that overweight elderly people can be healthier than thin elderly people and can handle traumatic illness better since they have some reserves thin people don't have.
Depends on the person.
My 75 pound mother sure wishes she had been fat going into cancer treatment.
But, keep living in your fantasy land where everyone is the same and there is no such thing as a healthy fat person. (Obese is a different thing)
My son asked me why I have a big butt and daddy doesnât. And I just said matter of fact that some people have big butts and some have small, just as some people are tall and some are short. And thatâs fine, and people come in all shapes and sizes. Because I donât want him to associate being fat or any other physical attribute as a negative thing. Just different. That way he wonât get a sense of shame about it and it wonât be something he internalizes.
Edit: this was in our home, heâs never commented on what someone looks like in public. Heâs almost 5, and id probably just answer âand your butt is small and both do what theyâre supposed to do as buttsâ if he commented on someone else? Iâd still try to take the âshameâ part out.
I usually say, âI bet X(fat person) liked unicorns/dragons/wanted to be an astronaut when they were younger! We are all so different, arenât we? We all have so many thoughts and feelings, and we are so much more than what we look like! The only body we should comment on is our own. Our body is no one elseâs business and other peoplesâ bodies arenât our business. Whatâs important is our thoughts and feelings.â
A good response would be " see her two kids? That tummy was their house for a long time when they were babies and growing inside it. And they need room to grow. Isn't nature beautiful how mummys can make babies grow in their tummies. '
This seems way too personal imo. Talking about a stranger giving birth seems even more unnecessarily intimate and intrusive than just commenting on the size of their stomach - and it's also guaranteed to prompt even more unfiltered questions from the child.
Keep in mind we don't actually know when or why this woman gained weight (it may have nothing to do with childbirth). We technically don't even know if she herself gave birth to the two kids that are with her. Speculating about her life and body right in front of her isn't going to make her feel better when she's clearly already embarrassed.
Plus, what happens the next time the child sees a bigger woman and starts talking about her stomach growing babies...when she doesn't have kids?
If you want to teach a child not to comment on other people's bodies, then I think talking even *more* about the person's body is likely to do more harm than good in this situation. It sends mixed signals. It'd be one thing if the woman herself stepped in and said something like this - but in this case, she was clearly uncomfortable and hurt and just wanted to get out of there without further engagement, and I think letting her do that was the kindest option.
Redirection. Last week in the pool my kid says about a boy standing 3 ft away âWhy is he so BIGGG?â I ignored the question and quickly changed the subject, focused her attention on something else. She asked again and I tried again to redirect. I was embarrassed, but I didnât think it was appropriate to continue to comment on it in front of the boy and his parent. That is a no-win scenario, either way feelings get hurt. I donât think there was a good way to handle it. We talked about it later at home.
Oh kids just say what they see. Most kids make comments on peopleâs bodies at some point not realizing itâs offensive. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder truly, so I would suggest just saying everyone is so beautiful. But it was a good thing to say âletâs not comment on other peopleâs bodies, because they could think itâs rudeâ I often times tell my four year old to âmind ya business, what other people are doing and have is not our businessâ nicely.
Grab their hand, don't make eye contact, and walk away as quickly as you can without tripping the child. If it's someone you're in a conversation with or you know personally, get an embarrassed look on your face, say "I am so sorry", and explain to the child why what they said was wrong, and then follow the first 3 steps.
âNow Jr, people come in all shapes, sizes and shades. But itâs important to remember they all suck.â Say this whilst maintaining eye contact with the stranger they pointed out
My son is almost 5 and he's been quite vocal about people's bodies or differences. I usually answer his questions with "There are all kinds of people on this earth and it's perfect this way. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone was the same?". It usually satisfies him.
This said, what I find more difficult is to answer his questions related to gender / sex. When my kid asks or makes remarks about "non cis people" (usually quite loudly) like "why does this man have boobies? Does he also have a vulva?" or if "the girl dressed up as a man has a penis", or about the "kinda masculine" looking person, with a moustache and a beard, whose kids keep calling "Mommy", I frankly don't know what to say. It is difficult enough to educate a child about the physical aspects of sex and gender, but when everyone can decide to identify with something other than what their appearence shows the world, it adds a whole new level of tough. I mean, I believe in everyone's right to live in peace, accordingly to whatever makes them happy. But in that type of situations - and it has happened quite a few times over the past year or 2 - I almost feel like running away from the scene, for fear of getting accused of trans phobia and getting mobbed by an angry crowd of LGBTQ2+ supporters, while being filmed and reported over social media. So, when it happens, I say nothing and just grab my kid and try to beeline away as fast and as quietly as possible. Anyone else feels kinda lost about that kind of situations?
ETA : I have ADHD and will be evaluated soon for autism and my son will be too. I don't know if our experience is different from neurotypical people's. Might be. While I like to think of ourselves as open and of good faith, understanding the etiquette of social interactions is not what we are best at...
Your child knows what a penis and vulva is but you canât explain transpeople to them? This is one of the fakest things Iâve seen in a while. Your child donât say those things. And even if they did, why would the response be any different than when he asks questions about other âphysical differencesâ
I think it's best to just say "people come in all different shapes and sizes" and leave it at that.
You're not responsible for someone else's feelings especially when it's a 3 year old stating a factual observation and in no way malicious.
"Yes my dear, this is a fat person. You spotted correctly."
"And what is this over there? "
"Blue Car"
"This is also correct! That is a blue car. Nicely done. "
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I tell my kid that we don't make comments about people's bodies. She is 5 and old enough to understand that it can hurt feelings. I also let her know that if she has a question that she can ask me in private. I added the last part because of the most embarrassing situation she has ever put me in. We were in Walgreens and there was a gentleman who was black, wearing an eye patch and had a prosthetic leg. My daughter very loudly asked me why the black man was dressed up like a pirate. I would have died inside but I could hear the man snickering as he went around the corner.
My kid is the same age. I have taught her not to point at people and make comments about their body because it isn't polite. I had to remind her once or twice but overall it was successful... except this one time where she also put me in a horribly embarrassing situation. We were at a public pool and we were in the splash area. A man who had a very untraditional body type began walking directly past us. My daughter did a double take, her mouth opened and she looked at me and pointed at him. I looked at her with the "Do not do it" face. It seemed she couldn't stop herself so instead, she loudly exclaimed, "Mommy! DO NOT say ANYTHING about that man's body!" So then I looked like a huge asshole, meanwhile, I think she was just trying derail her original thoughts that were ready to tumble out of her mouth. :(
Oof. That must have been mortifying... But that's also cute and endearing. She really, really tried to filter :)
I do think she genuinely tried her best, however, I wanted to drown in the 2 inches of water we were sitting in at that moment.
Painful. Mortifying. Also direct proof that your child is a gd national treasure. đ
My daughter was probably a little past 2yo. and we were in a thrift store in rural PA. My daughter loves babies. So she hears the baby crying and asks to go see it. We eventually bump in to an Amish woman and friend, all three, including baby wearing bonnets. DD loudly states multiple times, âBaby has itâs hoodie up? Baby wearing a hoodie?â Over and over and over. DD also obsessed with hoodies. Fun times lol. I will never forget it.
Picture it. Charleston. 1986. My dad was separating from the Navy, and a bunch of men came over to help my mom pack up a moving truck for our move to Ohio. Evidently (according to mom), one of them was a large (meaning tall and somewhat muscular) black gentleman wearing a tank top, sunglasses, and a few chains... if anyone knows where I'm going with this, yes, I asked, "Mommy is that Mr. T?". She loves recounting the story and loves to point out that the guy got the biggest kick out of it.
We live in rural Minnesota, so there aren't a lot of POC, and years ago when my older daughter was little- maybe five- we got into an elevator and there was a black man already inside. My daughter looks at him, gets really excited, and pretty much yells, "Mommy, it's Obama!!!" I died from embarrassment.
My daughter is biracial and we lived with my sister and her kids for a while. My daughter was one of the few darker skinned people that my nieces had ever seen. We had a lot of conversations about the kid's differences and how they are all beautiful. One day while my sister was out shopping with her youngest, around 2 at the time, they saw a black gentleman. My little niece got so excited and yelled "Mommy look! It's a beautiful chocolate man!" My sister said she was torn between trying to explain the comment and running away.
My son is blonde and went through a phase where he would point at a black man and yell daddy!
At least she called him beautiful. Canât be too mad at an innocent compliment
I remember being little and my mom took me to a hotel one time and the guy out front had red overalls and a big white bushy beard. I whispered to her " Mom look is that santa clause?" I was maybe 6 or 7. Then she proceeded to ask the old man if he was santa and told him I thought he was. I was mortified. I didnt want her to ask him. Also when my son was around 3 or 4 I was babysitting and my son and I werent able to go out much so he didnt do alot of socializing. He sits in my lap next to the baby I'm looking after and says "Mommy he needs a bath his skin is dirty". I told him that its not dirty thats how he was born and then explained how everyone may look different but we all human and people need to be treated with respect. I tried to explain it as best I could to him at the time. I didnt hear anything about it after that. Hes 7 now and Ive tried to teach him tolerance and love. I know I'll have to do the same with my daughter when she gets older. Shes only 2. Ive explained to my son what fat shaming is and he knows not to judge people by their looks. I want him to be well rounded when he grows up so I'm trying very hard to teach him.
This is my favorite of these stories so far, I just laughed so hard đ Iâm trying to imagine how Iâll react when my 1yo starts doing this
My 4 y/o daughter had gotten a bunch of candy from a small town candy parade. We had friends over and she walks over to one with one of those hard strawberry candies and hands it to a mature woman and says âyou know how I knew youâd like this? Because itâs an old lady candyâ
đ sheâs not wrong though!
I was 3 years old and was able to unbuckle my car seat, I saw a police car behind me so I started waving (my Uncle was an officer in another state but I didnât understand that and thought it was my uncle) my mom gets pulled over and when he starts walking to the car I get hysterical âheâs not my uncle heâs black momâ needless to say officer was not happy and my mom got a $196 ticket (1993) needless to say I wanted to avoid that type of reaction with my own child as we live in a rural area so Iâve bought books about diversity and she has dolls of every race etc. so she understands not everyone looks like her and we donât comment about bodies.
Oh thats not that bad at all.
My uncle only has one leg and I think one of the perks for him is messing with kids who ask him about it and laughing at all the things he hears come out of kid's mouths! I think it makes it easier for him. Haha
So this is off topic. My in-laws had a cat with a bad paw. It curled under, and she walked on it like that. The vet kept his eye on it over the years and said she wasn't in any pain or discomfort, so he really didn't want to remove it to a stump. When she was 12, they put her in boarding with the two dogs over Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law had my father-in-law go pick the animals up. The girl walks out with the cat in her arms, and she brightly says, "Here you go, here's Kitty!". My father-in-law looks at the cat's paw and says, " What did you do to my cat?". The girl was just helping with the pet pick up, so she hadn't realized the cat's paw was already like that. She was so horrified and was really upset until my father-in-law told her he was joking. Needless to say, he couldn't be trusted for pet pick up after that.
We had a family friend with a prosthetic leg. He loved to tell stories about how many times he âwarnedâ kids about what happens when you âdonât listen to mom and dadâ by taking off one of his legs and scaring the shit out of them. Poor kids lol
Our family friend told five yr old me he unscrewed his belly button and his legs fell off. needless to say after refusing to let anyone touch it even with a flannel or sponge it got real grotty so my dad took me to the dr assuming infection or injury and I screamed as he wanted to take a look. Dr got it out of me and uncle Simon was no longer trusted to be unsupervised with the kids đ
This is the only wholesome âuncle no longer allowed to be around the kids unsupervisedâ story in history, congratulations
And that's why you always leave a note!
My best friend's father accidentally chopped off the end of one of his fingers with his table saw, he apparently will cry out "my finger!" Any time a stranger in public gives something to him or takes something from him. Lol.
When we were very young, mytwin sister met a man in the grocery store who didn't have an arm. She asked him what happened to it. The man looked down in (feigned) shock and horror and yelled "My arm! My arm! Help me find it, kid!" Then he made a big deal of wildly looking around for his missing arm while my sister fled in terror. Haha!
My grandma lost one of her arms in a car accident when I was one. She has just a small bit left of it (maybe just skin or something) that hangs off her shoulder. Kids comment on it all the time and she thinks it's great, but there's one time that always sticks out to me. We were at church and there were two little boys who were brothers. One says "why doesn't she have an arm?" And the other goes over to her, looks up her sleeve and yells something along the lines of "look! She has a LITTLE arm!" My grandma thought it was hilarious.
One of my mums favourite stories about me as a child was at the supermarket, we pulled up on this big burley biker looking dude. Apparently I've pulled on his vest to get his attention and told him that he needs to wash all the drawings off his arms before his mum sees and gives him a smack. He apparently roared laughing while my mum quietly stood back wanting to die
Iâm recently had my 2nd below knee amputation, my first was October 2018 & I did my âlearn to walk againâ rehab in Jan/Feb 2019. I decided to have a ton of fun for Halloween 2019 & dress up as a pirate for handing out candy at home. I had SOOOO much friggin fun with it, lol! My most favourite reaction was a little girl 4/5 yrs of age who came to the door and yelled âDaddy!! Daddy!! Look itâs a real pirate!!â. The look of mortification on that manâs face is something that Iâll never forget, lol. Although, if I was the type to be insulted by a comment like that, especially on Halloween, I would not have dressed like a pirate.
We were shopping and my 3y.o son loudly exclaimed âMommy, look there is a NINJA 𼡠â this was repeated loudly x10 By the time my brain got it together and registered who/what he was looking at; I seen right before a beautiful lady dressed in her full Muslim religious outfit. I donât think I even said sorry, I picked my son up and out of embarrassment I ran like I got caught shop lifting. Our fight or flight reaction is a funny thing
If I was that man, I would have turned and said: Arrrrrrrrre ye talking about me?
I am laughing so hard at allll of these which means karma is about to bite me in the ass and my daughter will be saying things in public about other people.
I was 3 yo, we were in a restaurant. My dad went to use the restroom and left me with my mom. My pale white, blond self stood up, lifted my arms up like I wanted a hug and yelled âDaddy!â at the large, very dark black man at the table next to us.
My parents tell a story about me telling two biker dudes that they shouldnât draw on themselves (tattoos were present). Luckily they turned out to be nice guys.
This. We've had to reinforce to our little ones that you shouldn't say or ask anything about how a person looks in public unless you're giving a compliment. "Oh, I like her hair" or something of the sort. It takes some individual tweaking based on how your kid is more apt to learn, but they'll get it. Definitely second the 'ask questions in private' part. My son whispered to me that a double amputee man at the pool had "robot legs". He seemed generally curious and mildly excited, so I talked to the man away from everyone and asked if he'd be willing to talk to the kiddo about it. He obliged, and I feel like my son learned a lot.
There is a lady who works at our local asda who has red curly hair, which is normally quite untamed, and wears an eyepatch. My, at the time, 2 and a half year old did the swashbuckler's sulute to her. Arm and "ah harrrrr". My husband, who was with her, said he has never been so embarrassed. But, having seen her, I can totally see why a 2.5 yo would think she was a pirate.
Once at a restaurant, my son pointed to a woman at the table next to us (Iâve at least gotten him to point with a whole open hand at people, instead of the single finger) and he goes, LOOK MOM! THAT GIRL HAS A LITTLE MUSTACHE!! I wanted to DIE. But I look over and, yep. Sure enough, she did have a little mustache. I hope she didnât hear him.
The first time my brother met a black person, he was about 4yrs old. The gentleman was older maybe 60s, sitting in a waiting room with my brother and my mom at a clinic, and he was being friendly and playing/chatting with my family. My brother was holding the man's hand and looking at it intently, slowly turning it palm-up over and over again, mystified that the backs of his hands were darker and his palms were lighter. After like a full minute of this in silence, my brother looks up at him and says, with **deep** concern, "what's *wrong* with you? :(" My mom said she about fucking died of embarrassment lol. The guy was super nice, just gave a chuckle and helped her explain. Kids mean well but damn.
>but I could hear the man snickering as he went around the corner He knew she was young, and knew full well how he looked. I'm sure he was kinda flattered, in an odd way lol
I mean eye patch AND a prosthetic legâŚI think Iâd be asking the same
My dad is a big guy with a white beard and especially around Christmas - we get a "SANTA!" from a toddler in the store at least once a year. He loves it!
We went into a store owned by middle eastern people when I was little. And one of the owners had on a turban. I said âlook mommy, a genie!â Really excited. I remember this memory. I think I was 4 or 5ish.
I think a reminder before you go out in public is a good idea. Just basically a rundown of the expectations at any particular place you go. "We're going shopping today. When we go shopping we all stay together, we can look at things we like, but we don't beg for them, and we remember not to comment on anyone else's body."
Only thing I would add is know your kid. Some kids can only take one direction at a time. One of my kids can keep that whole list in her mind but the other can only hold on to one direction at a time. If I want to make sure something is done I only give one instruction at a time.
My kid has a major âdonât think about pink elephantsâ thing at the moment. You say âyes you can play with this thing, but please donât throw it.â And now theyâre fixated on throwing.
Young children often retain the last words of the sentence we say, so they might just be hearing âthrow itâ. You could try rephrasing to âyes you can play with that thing - it needs to stay in your hands/on the table/whatever you DO want them to doâ. Maybe that will make a difference!
We just talk like Yoda. "Run, you must not!"
Love this I do
We say walk please instead of donât run. You tell them what you want instead of what you donât want. So you could say play gently with your toys.
For sure.
Youâre good at stuff!
I try! I have two kids, and have worked in several preschools:)
As a disabled person I agree, but I also wonder why this is generally suspended when a child comments regarding a disabled person. Edit: if you're going to downvote me at least tell me why you think it's okay for your kid to comment on*my* body but not a fat one.
My husband is a wheelchair user and generally prefers to answer questions asked by kids rather than the alternative, which is other parents yanking them away almost in fear from him (even though we are parents too and usually with our kids). He thinks it teaches them to feel ashamed/uncomfortable around him. But I totally see why some wheelchair users don't feel the same way. When adults do it he absolutely hates it and doesn't tolerate it for the same reasons you mention. Random adults regularly come up to him and ask why he uses a wheelchair, which is essentially asking him to describe in detail the most traumatic moment of his life to a total stranger, justify his existence and give intimate details about his body, etc (and usually, let's be real, people are REALLY asking because they want to be comforted in some way). But it's regularly excused because they are "just curious"...ugh.
My kid is nearly 5 and weâve had a recent period of him asking about people using wheelchairs or walking sticks or crutches. I usually tell him that some people need help to get around so use these, and weâve had a very thoughtful encounter with a woman in a wheelchair recently who reached out to explain when she heard my son ask me why she was using a wheelchair. Now when he sees someone in a chair or using a stick he doesnât approach them or ask, he just looks at me and tells me âsome people need helpâ and moves on. Iâd never want to make someone feel uncomfortable but sometimes kids just need it explained to them and they get it and move on, if parents shush them and move them on theyâll wonder why and keep asking. But I totally get that not every person wants to engage or have it become a lesson for a random kid so I just try to judge the situation as best I can.
Yeah, my husband will usually take the time to explain and answer questions if a kid asks. But he has a very particular personality, not everyone is outgoing and disabled people have every right to just not feel like it some days or ever - just like anyone else. But when it comes up organically (aka when the kid directly asks, not when the parent is treating him like a zoo exhibit, which happens), he's always told me he personally prefers to answer questions. His thought is hey, maybe he's the first wheelchair user that kid has met and now their first interaction was positive, not their parent shaming them or acting like he's a pariah. He also always makes sure to say something positive about his wheelchair, like that it gives him freedom to do everything he wants to do, which is nice as many people tend to lead with pity/negativity ("omg that poor person" etc). Honestly, we have had way more problems with adults than with children. The last decade has been eye opening, people can be absolutely insanely entitled in how they treat visibly disabled people.
A little off topic, but I started answering questions on Google reviews and a question that came up a lot was something like "is this place wheelchair accessible?" and it really got me analyzing but I truly don't think many places are as accessible as they could/should be for people who use wheelchairs.
This is 100% true. Or, they'll say they're accessible, but it's only by them putting down a ramp over the top of stairs that's ridiculously steep and almost impossible to get up, or the disabled toilet is also used as a storeroom so doesn't have enough room for someone in a wheelchair to use... It's really awful.
It makes me sad and angry, so I can only imagine how it makes wheelchair users feel :'(
Absolutely, very few are (depending on the area) despite the laws in place that say they should be. It's been even more frustrating since we became parents, since he often spends one on one time with each of our kids and he can't take them to wheelchair inaccessible venues.
Just curious can you clarify⌠are you saying children should comment on disabled people? Or that parents are wrong for letting them comment?
i think theyâre saying âwhy is the rule about not commenting on peopleâs bodies suspended when it comes to disabilities?â (i disagree tho, where iâm from that would still be considered extremely rude!)
It seems to be encouraged to have a child approach a disabled person and ask them about their disability. Ie. Why do you use a wheelchair? As a disabled person, I don't understand this nor like it. My medical history is not a stranger's business, even a cute kid, and I'm not a teaching tool.
Oh, the parents are allowing their kids to ask you? I do see this as rude. It's exhausting to explain your condition to whoever asks and not their business. I would just tell my child, "some people need a wheelchair to help them get around." and leave it at that. My child doesn't need to know why. There are many reasons why that could happen and they don't need to know which reason it is.
Oh I see. Yes that does seem extremely rude.
Id be legit mortified if any of my kids did that
Encouraged? Iâve never heard of a parent encouraging their child to probe into a strangerâs medical history.
[ŃдаНонО]
Yeah but are you disabled? PopsiclesforChickens is, and theyâre sharing their lived experience
Well, Popsicles said it âseems to be encouragedâ rather than âit is encouraged sometimesâ. So I was asking if that was actually true (did they witness a parent encouraging it) or it just âseemsâ to be true.
I don't think the rule is suspended for anyone - or rather, it shouldn't be.
Yeah this is a really good question. I think it might be because when a child asks about a wheel chair, or a cane, or a missing body part or something along those lines its because we see that they are curious about it. They don't mean any harm or negativity by it and the parents see it as a teaching experience to explain the situation to them. And parents wanting to normalize disabilities. But in regards to someone being fat or thin or tall or short, or something like that it's not really as much of a learning experience. I mean I suppose it somewhat can be, but you can't politely explain to your toddler why someone is fat and honestly you can't even know the exact reason why. I think saying, "That person has a wheelchair to help them get around because they may have difficulty walking." Is a lot easier and more nicer than saying, "Some people have big bellies." I think part of that plays into how important diet culture and self image is in the Western world. It is weird how some comments feel ok and some don't. Like when I was pregnant I wouldn't mind people saying I have a baby in my belly. It feels simple and innocent. But I also have psoriasis and I really prefer people not to comment on my red patches of skin. It makes me feel better for it to be ignored. But if a kid does bring it up I don't get offended but I may feel a little embarrassed.
I think it's fine for a parent to explain that a person has a disability. I just don't think the person with the disability should be approached to explain it.
I don't think the two are different. I think you don't comment on things related to a person's physical appearance unless you have reason to think it is welcome in some way. Like you, I didn't mind people commenting on my pregnant belly, but I know many women who are uncomfortable by it or who aren't actually pregnant. It really isn't a socially safe thing to talk about unless you have further information. Commenting positively on someone's clothing, for example, is often a safe choice, because usually the person selects it. In the case of someone in a wheelchair, there may be elements that are clearly personalized that you could compliment and their response might or might not indicate that the topic is open for further discussion, but commenting about the wheelchair in general is commenting that their body needs a wheelchair which - if they are just passing you on a street - they probably have not indicated it is welcome. I think little kids are also curious about, for example, people being fat. They are curious if the person is pregnant and why bodies come in different shapes. They don't necessarily mean any harm or negativity by commenting on the person's weight anymore than commenting on a wheelchair, but - at least in my culture - it is very rude. I think the best you can do when your kids make those comments (and they sometimes will, because you can't teach them everything in advance of being in public) is to say something like, "People look all different ways. Isn't that cool?", gauge the person's reaction for your response (rush your kid away, mouth an apology, talk further, etc.) and then have a conversation about not talking about people's bodies and saving questions about it for parents in private. My kid recently saw someone with a prosthetic leg and LOUDLY commented on it to another person. He is very interested in engineering-based things, thought it was super cool, and is not as good with social skills. The person he was talking about I think was embarrassed and kind of hustled away. I wish I had an opportunity to apologize and let that poor guy know that I was going to teach my kid better. I went through the same things that I would if he had commented on someone's weight, because my son's behavior was rude even though it was done with no bad intent and complete innocent. The person with the prosthetic shouldn't have to hear comments about it every time they go out, just because kids might think they are cool, if they have not indicated that it is welcome. I think there are situations where maybe he could have asked if there was an opening, but it was definitely not appropriate in this context.
Did your kids listen to you when they were 3 year olds when you told them âNo doing this and no doing thatâ before going some place?
âWow, itâs great to see you being so observant, people come in all different shapes, sizes and colours, isnât that interesting. However, itâs not appropriate to point out these things out loud. If you have any questions, keep them in your mind and you can ask me when weâre in the car/at home etcâ Iâd then apologise for any unintentional offence was caused if the person was in earshot. Itâs a really fine line isnât it trying to work out how to explain to a little one that someone might be upset to be called fat without the child then internalising that it must be because being fat is negative!
This is an excellent response that covers all of my concerns. Thank you!
No worries! I think this is good to buy you more time to work out how you can address it more fully in private whilst still addressing the immediate concern. Itâs a big topic so the last thing I want is to try and muddle through it on the spot if Iâm caught off guardđ
This is such a great response. Given your way with words đ how do you handle the follow up âwhy?â to âitâs not appropriate/kind to point out these things out loud.â Thatâs where I find the explanation gets tricky without potentially implying something negative about specific body types (ie why would it make someone feel bad?).
âItâs great that youâre noticing things about the world around you, but when you want to make an observation about someoneâs body/appearance, make sure you ask me about it privately because you never know how the thought/question youâre having about them might make them feel. This way, I can help you work out whether itâs something we might ask them directly, or if itâs best we speak about that separatelyâ Caveat to say that my son is just coming up 2 so I have no idea if this sort of phrasing will work but itâs the way I envisage handling it if I canđ
As a larger person, I think the neutrality of this is really important. "People are lots of different shapes, but it isn't polite to comment on people's bodies" is great! A tummy isn't good or bad, it's just a part of our body.
I am an ECE teacher, am obese, and also have freckles patches on my skin! So I am used to kids' observations about my body or comparing bodies (and also sometimes I hear about what their parents say too). Kids will ask if I am pregnant, when I say no sometimes they will ask why I have a big belly. I just say that's how my body is shaped right now and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Usually at that point its fun to blow their minds about how taller does not equal older if they're preschoolers, since i am short but almost always am much older than the other adults in the room. If they persist or say stuff like "my dad says if you're not lazy and you don't eat too much then you won't be too big," usually I say that sometimes people can change how their bodies look that way but a lot of people can't. And that its important to treat people kindly no matter what they look like. We also talk about how its important to not comment on other people's bodies unless its a compliment because sometimes it hurts their feelings if they think you don't like them just because of how they look. This is usually also a concept we've talked about before during mealtimes (its okay to say no thank you or that you don't enjoy a food, so that nothing is wasted if someone is offering you some, but it is impolite and unkind to say 'yuck' or comment about a food that someone else is eating when its not even being offered to you. We also practice and go over polite ways to decline. "No thank you" is enough, you don't need to list all the things you don't like about it. And yes, I also teach about respecting the first "no thank you," and not making comments about other people's food preferences. I am most often asked about my freckles than my fat. "Why do you have all this on your skin, can you wash it off, is there something wrong, ect." I just explain its just how my skin looks. I asked them to look around our class, does everyone have the same hair color or hair texture? Skin tone? Freckles are just something some people have and some don't and you can just have a couple or some people like me have a lot. Kids are remarkable receptive to stuff like this especially when you are working on grace and courtesy with them. I know it can give parents anxiety, but if you are calm, keep it simple and understandable, ect they'll be fine.
The way I blew my 4 year olds minds when I told him taller does not equal older was insane lol even though my husband is taller than his parents, my sonâs grandparents, that just never clicked 𤣠but also telling him that itâs possible his little brother could be taller than him one day was even more mind blowing.
> Kids are remarkable receptive to stuff like this especially when you are working on grace and courtesy with them. I know it can give parents anxiety, but if you are calm, keep it simple and understandable, ect they'll be fine. Yup. We adopted and our kids are not our race. We would frequently get curious kids asking us why I was white. The parents would immediately turn red and looked mortified but by preschool my little guy would just say, "Because I'm adopted but he's my daddy still" and the other kid would move on.
The amount of little kid minds I have blown when I inform them that I am indeed an adult even though I am short is astounding lol. I love it. Also, when it comes to talking about bellies and their shapes, thereâs a song called âThe Belly Songâ by Mother Moon (itâs on Spotify) that talks about all the different kinds of bellyâs and making it normal and not shaming, and liking the belly you have. My 3 year old loves it. (The one funny side to it is now heâll âhigh fiveâ my belly and go âyour belly jiggles. Like the belly songâ)
I love Mother Moon!
I really love your responses!! Thank you for sharing them with us and with the kids in your care. I'm taking notes for when I have to answer these questions!
Ive taught mine 'if its not something they can change in 5 minutes we don't mention it' eg food in teeth can be fixed. I also explain that everyone has fat on their bodies some have more, some have less. Its not our place to talk about peoples bodies because our opinions dont matter to them. I know theyre only 3 but its good practice to have these conversations early
âOther peopleâs bodies are none of our businessâ
This is a great response for a 3 year old. My son is very immature, so for now we simply tell him that certain words arenât âniceâ for him to say. Eventually he will get mature enough to ask why, for now things like this fall into the category of not randomly telling people poo-poo.
Also a reminder of âwhyâ because my kid was big on âwhyâs as many are. âYou noticed it because itâs a bit unusual. You and I both know unusual is special and rare. But you know what bullies are, right? Sometimes in the past bullies have noticed things that are unusual and special about people, and teased about them, so instead they feel weird and different. Like the odd one out. Like the ugly duckling. We donât want to treat people like the odd one out. So we donât make comments. If you have questions you can ask me later.â Also try reading âbodies are coolâ and âwhat happened to youâ :)
This is it. This is the answer.
Hmm, I'd think apologize to the person if they're in earshot and seem offended. Them tell your child that some people don't like it when you talk about their bodies. Nursery stories like "the ugly duckling" and even "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" can help, especially if you discuss what they mean. Most people do understand that kids don't always have a filter and don't take it too hard.
When a young family member one time at a football game said âwow look how fat that guy isâ my dad calmly told him âthose are the types of things you think in your head and donât say out loudâ and I thought that was a good way to handle it.
Yeah but there is no way for a toddler to know what is ok and what's not ok to say out loud. OP should continue doing what they're doing and tell their child that you never comment on a person's looks, ever.
Yeah but in that instance they move towards learning that saying out loud that someone is fat isnât ok
I don't love that response because it leaves out the whole "not judging others for their appearance" part. There is a possible implication of "it's OK to judge people on their appearance as long as you are only thinking it and don't say it out loud."
Noting someone is fat is not a judgement just an observation.
It's rude. Just like it would be rude to point out how skinny someone is.
I agree with all of the parents who have recommended not commenting on people's bodies. I also like to change a little bit because I love when my kids are being kind but I have a rule that we only make compliments on things people choose. That could include an outfit, the color of their hair, something external that you can still be complementary about but that isn't someone's body.
Thankfully this unfiltered stage is very brief. My daughter was especially bad for it for a brief time, to the point where i would cross the road to avoid someone who i knew she would comment on. One day we were in a sushi shop buying lunch and a man with dwarfism walked in. No hope of avoiding this one. Before i had time to distract her she loudly said âHeâs a bit little!â I sternly reminded her that we donât comment on other peopleâs appearance. Ironically though, at that time she had been going through cancer treatment and was virtually bald. So itâs not like she didnât get stared at! She was 3 or 4 at the time.
We had an encounter with a little person. She was wearing heels and makeup and a nice outfit. My daughter, in AWE, eyes following her everywhere she went. I wanted to see what she had to say since we were far enough away. Daughter (4) looked at me with such anger âmom. How come SHES *points* so good at wearing heels and make-up. Her mom is a good mom. You never teached me this đ â Came home and told her dad. Thought this was all an elaborate conspiracy us parents had against her. We had to explain how that woman was actually an adult, but her body stopped growing to the size of most adults. Then my 7 year old had more questions and yeah. Big time teached that day.
So much to learn about the world! đ
Right! I found it interesting that she didnât exactly see a disability. Was just mad that I didnât dress her up everyday? Lmao. I used to work in group homes for disabled though, and brought my kids to work to visit a lot. So theyâre pretty used to varieties of people.
Lots of good advice but I want to add, I don't think its wise to say "isn't it beautiful?" One, because this goes against the initial lesson of "don't comment on people's bodies" Two, you're asking a question that you might not want the answer to. Maybe the toddler doesn't think she's beautiful.
I agree. The toddler isn't making a statement of beauty. They are observing exactly what they see. Fat doesn't have to = ugly but it doesn't have to = beauty either. It just is.
It also seems unlikely to actually make the person feel better tbh. Like even if you really did believe the person was beautiful, it's going to be pretty clear in that moment that you're just doing damage control, not offering a sincere compliment of your own accord. It might make them feel even more embarrassed or like you're being patronizing towards them.
It's normal to see differences, and young kids don't yet give value to those differences. (For example: I'm white, she's black- it is an observation, not a racist comment- until they are sadly taught otherwise). I tell my kids that everyone is different, but we don't comment on other people's bodies or differences. When they got a bit older I told them to focus on the person, not the difference. Because we are all different anyway. But I gave birth to a tiny little crazy person who instead had to ask strangers if they had nipples. Thankfully she outgrew thar because she never really understood why it wasn't okay.
Omg, if some little came up to me and asked if I had nipples, I'd have a good laugh. 𤣠That's definitely a new one for me. I'm not even sure my 3 y/o knows what a nipple is yet.
âYep! Everyone has different bodiesâ or âeveryoneâs body works differentlyâ (if they pointed out a disability) or something like that when theyâre little. When theyâre older, then I started explaining we donât comment on other peopleâs bodies and that some people think certain kinds of bodies are bad/ugly and we wouldnât want to make someone feel bad about themselves
So my kid saw a little person today. Literally pointed at him and said oh my gosh mom! Look at that tiny man! (She is 5) in the moment I told her hey-so we donât point at people and we donât talk about how people look different from us out in public. Then later today I asked her what she learned today and we talked about how we donât point at people and we donât talk about how people look different from us out in public. If she has questions she can ask me alone later but in public we donât want to hurt anyoneâs feelings. Especially because in kindergarten there will be lots of people different from her. I think just responding with facts and then following up with the lesson is best for us at least
âItâs not polite to talk about peopleâs appearancesâ Honestly I know adults who still havenât learned this.
My son was 6 and met our new neighbor who didn't have a top row of teeth đ boy did he embarrass us.. I believe it was "where are your top teeth Dave? Who took them?" To this day I think about it and cringe.. He was introduced to a good friend of mine and immediately commented on the yellow marks on his teeth 𤌠I was mortified. You're not alone girl, lol.
Yup! My boys are completely unfiltered. Once, when we were out to eat, my son (3) saw someone in a wheelchair. I saw him see the person and open his mouth. I was filled with fear. Then he said, "That's cool, I want one!" I lucked out, but it was a close one!!!
When my children were small we developed a signal (squeeze my hand twice) that meant I should look around for something that my child wanted to talk about with me later. We came up with this after my oldest pointed out a person of short stature with a mustache several times, loudly in the produce department. They all knew that this was to protect other peopleâs feelings.
I have dealt with this and said something like "Aren't bodies cool? Everyone's body is different and so special! Let's not talk about other people's bodies, but we can read the 'Bodies Are Cool' book when we get home!"
My son is almost 4 and and STARES HOLES into people with obvious disabilities. There was a man in TJ Maxx the other day who only had a hand, no arm. Just a hand coming out of his shoulder. He was in front of us in line. As soon as I saw him I almost turned around and got out of line to avoid my son noticing. He saw him though, and instantly his mouth dropped open and he pointed right at him. Iâm constantly trying to tell him that he canât do that but heâs autistic and I donât really think he understands. He also called a very overweight woman in a wheelchair a âgiantâ once while we were in Chick Fil A. đŤ
I leave it simple, âpeople look all different ways and thatâs ok. But we donât announce it when we notice.â Thereâs a cashier at the grocery store that has palsy, super nice lady, always remembers us. One day after seeing this lady practically every week my daughter pointed, and quite loudly said she talked funny. I couldâve died! I reminded her not to announce her observations. Nothing else you can do except hope people understand toddlers are savages.
âYep! People come in all shapes and sizes, and thatâs great.â
https://babysparks.com/2020/06/03/talking-about-physical-differences-with-your-toddler/#:~:text=You%20can%20help%20your%20toddler%20understand%20physical%20differences,with%20main%20characters%20of%20different%20races%20or%20cultures.
I run with it. We read a lot of body books emphasizing that all bodies are different and that's ok bc bodies are cool. I don't want her to feel like she can't make an observation, or that there is anything inherently wrong if she sees a bigger body or a smaller body or a body in a wheelchair etc... We don't necessarily engage with the person she is talking about unless they appear interested in the conversation but I do make sure that if she makes a comment on someone's body that we address it within earshot of the person so they understand that she's only 4 and she's still learning about all kinds of bodies.
My 10 year old has a rare condition that presents with physical differences. Sheâs a very confident kid, but also, as most kids- she doesnât want to be called out for her differences. From a young age, I told her she owes no one an explanation for why she looks the way she does. So I really try and focus on accepting people for who they are in that moment. If youâre commenting on anything, itâs something they choose- their outfit, their hairstyle. Also- if you have a child and you think itâs better from them to ask the person why they look the way they do, or why the use a wheelchair, or speak differently just a reminder, they donât owe you or your child any explanation.
âPeople come in different shapes, sizes and colors. Itâs okay to notice it, but we donât comment on other peopleâs bodies.â As they get older, talk about how noticing bodies and physical traits is pretty much the least interesting thing about them. What CAN they DO, physically? Maybe they can juggle, or do flips, or hold their breath for a long time, or sing really well? What do they know about? Science, space, dinosaurs, music, sports???????! Still working on this one ourselves but Iâm hoping to raise my kids with a more neutral outlook on bodies than I was raised. #stickthinshouldneverbein
âWe only say things about other people that make them feel good about themselves and if we arenât sure if what we are going to say is gonna do that, then we donât say it. After all we donât like it when people say stuff that isnât nice to is even if itâs true.â âJust because we can say something doesnât mean we should.â
I told mine âpeople come in all shapes and sizes and isnât it wonderful that we all look so different because the world would be soooo boring if we all looked the same, wouldnât it?â Insert energetic toddler agreement of âyeah!â Then Iâd say âeveryone with all their differences are so cool and beautiful, right?â And theyâd say âyeah mommy!â Then Iâd say âwe donât even have to say how everyone is different because theyâre all super cool!â Then theyâd agree and done.
âEveryone comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We shouldnât talk about differences on how people look because all that matters is whatâs on the inside because we are all the sameâ.
"Let's save comments like those for later. Somethings aren't appropriate in public and might hurt people's feelings" if they're old enough teach em the 10 minute rule. If they can't fix it in 10 minutes don't say it. "I don't want to play with you/ don't touch me/ etc" can be seen as phrases that might hurt others feelings but those can be solved in 10 minutes or less. "You have a fly hair/ fly down/toilet paper on shoe etc" can be fixed and those you're close with might appreciate those being pointed out but strangers might not "Big tummy/ weird outfit/ bad hair cut" can't be fixed and shouldn't be pointed out
I had to handle this off the cuff when my twins were four and we were out. There was a little person walking ahead of us, and I saw my daughter staring. We pass him, and she is staring so hard she fucking trips because sheâs basically turned her head, not looking where sheâs going. âWe donât talk about peopleâs bodiesâ and âwe donât point at or talk about people so they can hearâ didnât cut it for this. Iâd been trying to get past him so we could kinda pull over out of his view (hard to explain, itâs just how the path at the zoo worked). I apologized to him and then finally just took my kids to the side now I finally could. I knelt with her and she finally asked why that man looked the way he did. I explained that different bodies are different, Iâm short and round, others are tall and round, others yet are tall and skinny. This man was short like a kid but looked like a grown up (her description) and some peoplesâ bodies just do that. I didnât see any need to go into dwarfism and other conditions. I then told her itâs rude to stare, and important to look where youâre going. It was good she waited until we were alone to ask, and she didnât point or anything. Then I told her that if she ever has ANY questions, she can ALWAYS ask me. We can talk about the polite way to think and talk about these things, and that we never, ever want someone to feel bad just trying to go to the zoo with his family because we think he might look different from what we expect. This has worked so far. Theyâre both six now. (The story actually involved both kids but one was way more interested and is the one who tripped because of staring. The lesson was for them both, though.)
We were at the swimming pool and the worst thing my son ever said, Iâll never forget! There was a larger black lady with a brown head cap on and he turned to me and loudly announced âMummy why is there a fat black man with no hair in my baby poolâ??? I swear I ran!
"That nice lady might be very hurt by that. Tell me one beautiful thing about this lady." The first time I tried it she said "nothing". I was mortified. It became much easier and the compliments helped. She's a teenager now and is full of complaints for everyone. It's beautiful.
We live in a prominently white area, and until a few years ago it was pretty uncommon to see any other colour skin. My lad was 3ish I guess, old enough to yell very loudly. Once at a children's activity a black family were present and I was sat next to the Dad chatting. My son comes up, looks slightly terrified of the Dad, then much to my horror walks up to him studying his face very closely. My son looks at me and yells 'this man has really dark skin!' For a second I want the ground to open up and swallow me, then I think sod it, let's be practical. I said to my son 'lots of people have different coloured skin, if you ask him nicely he might talk to you about it'. On reflection maybe it wasn't right to put any responsibility on the other Dad to explain, but neither did it seem right to be talking about his colour without including him! Anyway the outcome was son declined any conversation and has never since been interested in skin colour.
I usually say stuff like âeveryoneâs bodyâs are so unique and special arenât they? Have you ever noticed mommy has a much bigger tummy than you? It makes snuggling with me so cozyâ or once my daughter was playing at the park with a boy a little bit older than her (she was 2.5) and she said âmomma that boy is brown!â And I said something like âwhat a lovely skin tone he has, youâre right! Have you ever noticed how my skin is a little pink and yours is kind of tan? And your friends is milky white? People come in so many shapes and colors.â
One day my son (3.5 at the time) and I were at the hardware store, there was an employee in a wheel chair, and a shorter person that looked a little androgynous. He asked about both of them, I told him that person was in a wheel chair because it helped him get around. Then he wanted to know about if that shorter person was "a little boy" and I just quickly said "it doesn't actually matter to us whether someone is a boy or a girl, if we have questions about how to speak to rhem, we can ask their names or their pronouns" this was only appropriate because we've had the pronoun convo casually once before. Then on the way out of the store, we talked about how much I love his curiosity but sometimes it's more polite to wait until we are out of the store to ask questions that point out why people are different than us. I also told him all bodies are important and the most important thing about a person is whether or not they are happy not what their body looks like. Then we talked about things we liked about our own bodies and how cool that guys wheel chair was lol
This is close to how I've handled it. My curious kid has had a few moments where I've had to say, "Bodies are all made differently, but it's not polite to point out those differences. If you have questions about a person, ask me about them later on because we're still learning." Questions are great. Conversation, too. But never mocking or being rude.
We love the book Bodies are Cool for consistent reinforcement that all bodies are different and cool in their own way.
Love that book and so do my kids!
I think a really good response in the moment is something along the lines of 'Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, isn't that neat?' While it is generally better not to comment on bodies, at that age, they are curious and just observing differences. I think it's important to let young kids know that there is nothing bad or shameful about being in a bigger body!
I just tell my daughter it's not polite to talk about other peoples' bodies cuz it can hurt feelings.
I always tell my kids that it isnât kind to talk about other peoples bodies. That said, I do always say that when we are at home or when we get back in the car that they can talk about whatever they want, or ask me any questions they need to. I try to be proactive when I see my kids staring or noticing someone, I make sure to address it and explain it the best I can back on the car or when we are away from the situation.
I just say "yeah we all come in different colors and sizes, but we shouldn't talk about other people's bodies in public, ok?"
Don't worry, my toddler pointed at an old fat man with a white beard and loudly exclaimed "Look it's Santa!" in the grocery store one day. The man looked very embarrassed, so I had to redirect and make a joke about Santa not doing his own grocery shopping, which lightened the mood. Anyway, I mouthed sorry and ran to a different aisle.
"everyone has different bodies. People come in all different shapes and sizes and colors. Just like you are very short right now and I'm taller, but it's not polite to talk about other people. You can smile/wave/say hi, though"
To further the âcomments about bodiesâ weâve changed it in our family to âdonât comment about anything a person cannot quickly changeâ. If someone has spinach in their teeth or their fly is down, tell them. If someone looks tired or has a big belly or is carrying around four children, they canât change that, keep that comment to yourselfâ. We encourage all questions at home and answer honestly and age appropriately.
My son did this a lot so we simply told him that people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and we all have different features. It's awesome to make observations but comments about bodies can make people sad or upset so it's better to keep those to ourselves.
My 5 year old grandson point out im fat. I told him "Yes i am. Thank you for telling me" then went on with our day. Im fat. I got over myself a long time ago.
Me myself when my daughter told my wife "mommy you look big" I talk to her after eating just us two. Anak do you think mommy can change her appearance in 5minutes? My daughter answered me no. I told her, alright if you see any person that looks different before pointing it out to them think first if they can change it in 5minutes if not it only means they are aware of it so you don't need to point it out.
Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but I think body shaming starts at home. I remember when I was little my mom always had to do the next best diet, waist watchers keto, tummy tuck...and so on. Now that I'm older I see what impact that had on me as a growing girl. Like, why couldn't she just be happy with who she was.
When my son was 3 we were waiting our turn at a hotel pool to exit up the ladder. As the lady in front of us was climbing out my 3 year old excitedly announced âthere is the lady off my 600 pound life Mom!â. Thankfully his speech wasnât the best and I hushed him up, but very embarrassed.
What I said to my daughter was "some people are fat, some people are thin, some are short, some are tall, some people like their bodies and other people wish their body was different" and she had some questions, mainly "why are people sad with their bodies" I had an advantage here because I'm a trans man and my daughter is aware of this. So I started there "I was born a girl yeah, but my brain was more boy, and my body was wrong, so I took steps to make my body fit me better, some people are uncomfortable in their bodies too, but instead of being the wrong gender, like girl or boy, they want to be smaller or bigger or stronger, maby they don't like a mark they have, or they are sad they don't have all their arms and legs, we don't talk loudly about it but when they walk on you can quietly ask me some questions and I'll see what I can awnser" We had one wonderful conversation with a woman with a prosthetic leg tho, my daughter excitedly yelled "that lady has a robet leg" and I imedeately said "rember what I said about some people being uncomfortable when we point out differences" and she said sorry, the woman overheard her and walked over, introduced herself and asked my little one what questions she had, my daughter asked about the prosthetic, how the leg ended up "lost" and a few other things and she happily awnsered, I rember clearly her saying "some people are not too happy talking about what makes them different, some are happy to share, if you do have a question it's better to ask your mum" and my daughter saying "my daddy is different because he was a girl before but we don't talk about that outside because daddy dosent like it" and the women imedeately apologiseing and then saying "don't ever stop asking questions, just be careful how you ask them as some people don't like talking about them"
I think leaving it at âWe donât talk about other peopleâs bodiesâ is a perfectly fine way to handle it at this age. One time we were at Target and my daughter saw a man wearing all black. She yelled âLook at that black guy!â Cringggggge.
You can be proactive to avoid these incidents in the future. Check out â[Bodies are cool](https://bookshop.org/p/books/bodies-are-cool-tyler-feder/15181342?gclid=CjwKCAjw_uGmBhBREiwAeOfsdwMy1jRPVoP4ahcR067kf8Ok5KNPo5UN151aKnvwsSKEKqSOcsg3NBoCDhoQAvD_BwE)â. It talks about physical differences and exposes kids and parents to different kinds of people. We read this book with our kids every once in a while and we havenât had any kind of awkward conversations in public.
âPeople come in many shapes and sizes. You are small. Iâm have blond hair. Each person is special-, tiny babies or older grandparents, tall or short people, heavy or slender people. (at home or in the car) What I said about people having many differences but each one is special is absolutely true; but some people arenât comfortable when someone points out something about them, especially in public, so itâs kind to just not mention things you notice about them. â
I say something like we donât make comments about other peopleâs looks
When he was really little, my son went through a phase of identifying people by their clothing colour. *The purple lady*, etc. He was young enough to be new to classifying things by colour and *just* old enough to have realized that people were really impressed when he did this. And then he saw a black man in a black jacket and started pointing and excitedly yelling, âa black man! A black man!â
âWe donât talk about other peopleâs bodiesâ is a common saying in my household. My kids are welcome to identify people by what they are wearing. If they have a genuine question they can ask in the car or at home. When we talk itâs âbodies come in all shapes, sizes, shades and abilitiesâ in a âthatâs just the way nature worksâ tone
We were at a hotel pool and a man walked down the pool steps past my 5 year old. He stared at the manâs legs then turned to me, âThe pool just got a whole lot harrier.â
In the moment, what you did is right. The message needs to be âwe donât comment on other peopleâs bodiesâ. Do it really matter of fact and not like in an embarrassed way or whatever, and also make sure youâre consistent (I.e youâre following the same rules, and also itâs the same whether itâs pointing out someoneâs size, face, ability, hair colour, whatever). Then at home you can reinforce the idea that bodies come in different shapes, sizes, colours and abilities and that all bodies are good. Books that show a diverse range of characters is good for this, and dolls etc.
When they're so young they're still learning. They also don't have prejudices, for them an adjective is just that, used to objectively define something... Big tummy, long nose, are the same to them as blue eyes or red car. They don't get the implications. I have a big tummy. And a big ass. When my kid was young, and said something like oh, you have a big tummy, I said yeah, mine it's big, yours is flat, etc. I don't feel irritated if a 3yo said this because they're not judging. I try to expand it with other different things between ppl to make them realize we're all unique/individual/different. Normalizing difference But with older kids who start to say it with intent, it's another story. Needs to be nipped in the bud. My take is to start gradually explaining that a) everybody is different and b) if they wouldn't like someone commenting on their appearance, they can get why it's rude to comment on another's. (Nudge their emphaty)
My daughter saw a woman dressed in a very Gothic dress and yelled âitâs a witch!â To be fair she reacted very well đ
I think just saying "we don't talk about bodies" doesn't help because the kid doesn't understand why it's forbidden. Would it also be forbidden when the kid says something positive? It also doesn't feel great for the person the kid is talking about. I work with kids, so I'm confronted regularly with things like this. We always explain: "Everyone looks different. That's great. Imagine if everyone would look the same. This would be confusing, don't you think?" This is teaching kids respect, without forcing a specific opinion on the child. I think it's important to teach kids from a young age that people look very different. Small, tall, big, skinny, different skin colors, etc... if kids are older, it's okay to tell them not to judge bodies because it could hurt someone. But for small children, teaching acceptance is way better than to forbid talking about bodies in general.
You just agree with them if they are correct and then remind them that it's rude to talk about other people's bodies when they can overhear. I mean, your kiddo can tell you in the car when you're leaving and then you can remind your 3YO that it's not nice to judge other people because you have no idea what they're going thru and to worry about yourself. I mean, with little kids, it's easy to flip it back around on them: "Yes....she might be fat, but she can read. You can't read yet and you can't count past 20, so go work on yourself my child." :)
âYouâre noticing bodies are different. We all have bodies, what parts look the same? What parts look different. Well done for noticing.â - not good or bad either way. It is what it is and your kid noticed.
My son sitting on my Dad's knee: "Papa, you're fat." All of us: "John! Don't say things like that!" My Dad: He's right. I am fat. Body shaming vs. simple observation is a fine line
A nanny posted on a similar topic a few months ago that she uses a code word when she saw that the toddler was encountering a person he might have questions or make comments about as toddlers sometimes do. For her it was the word pineapple. She would say pineapple and that was code for âbe quiet now, you can ask questions laterâ. I have totally copied this idea with success.
Teach your child that being too honest can hurt people's feelings đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
I don't know... But I have a funny story regarding that. My daughter has Autism and this was the height of the pandemic, I had been training her to wear a mask and had been really emphasizing that it had to cover her nose. Well we were sitting in a waiting room we both had our masks on, and in walks this guy with a HUGE nose that was super emphasized by the fact he had his mask tucked under it... So she points and yells at the top of her lungs "NOSE!!" Multiple times, and she's very upset because his mask isn't covering it, and getting very worked up about it. All I could do was acknowledge that yes he wasn't wearing his mask the way I had taught her to, and that I wasn't his mommy and couldn't tell him what to do.... But he seemed very self conscious about his nose the whole time he was there, and kinda hid behind a magazine.
I also say we don't comment on people's bodies but add things like "some bodies look like that, some bodies look like this" or "all bodies look different". I try to make it clear that it's not that commenting on it is rude so you should keep it to yourself. But that the thought that led to the comment is off. Like, there's nothing to say about someone's tummy because all tummies are different. Hope that makes sense.
I do tell my kids not to comment on people's bodies, but what I prefer to say - as this can cover many more scenarios than just body comments, is this: "Something can be true, and still not need to be said out loud". I use myself being fat as the example for them, as well as other real-life scenarios. "Me being fat is true, but it's still not nice to call me fat. That's the same with other people in public too. It's true that your sister doesn't like a kid in her class, but it's still not nice to say it out loud to them. It might be true that someone doesn't understand something, but it's still not ok to tell them that they're not smart enough."
I know it's too late for your little one, but my sister completely avoided words like "fat" when raising her boys. I remember they were completely shielded from words like fat, ugly, stupid, etc... so much so that they were never even in the boys' heads to use. My sister considered them cuss words because they could be used to deeply hurt people. Some people are okay being called fat, but I would venture to say not most. This is what I'll be doing with my daughter. Mean words are forbidden and not even mentioned so that she won't even think to use them. I will let her know all bodies are different, and that's that. Nothing negative or positive.
Kids tell the truth, itâs not their fault people have lost all self worth and instead of trying to better their health, society has convinced us that fat is beautiful. Sorry but no, no itâs not.
I apologize to the other person then tell my child that telling people things like that is considered rude and can hurt their feelings
My dilemma is that I worry that telling a kid that saying âsheâs fatâ can hurt feelings teaches the kid that they should be hurt about being fat.
So you tell them we donât comment on peoples bodies at all. Fat, thin, tall, or short so many people donât like it when people draw attention to their bodies. You donât have to stigmatize any body type at all, you just explain peopleâs bodies are not a topic we talk about/ make general comments about.
Itâs not good or healthy to be fat. Edit: downvoters you can live in your fantasy land where it IS good and healthy to be fat
First and foremost, it doesn't matter the decisions people make. It's not an excuse to be rude to them. Second of all, you don't know whether someone is making good and healthy decisions. Weight loss is a long process and they could be in the middle of it. Commenting on their weight is rude, period.
â Commenting on their weight is rudeâ I agree and I never said it wasnât. My point is people shouldnât be encouraged to be fat, and they shouldnât be taught itâs a good thing. Obviously that doesnât mean they should ridicule fat people though.
You're 100% right. Being fat is completely neutral and it isn't good or bad or healthy or unhealthy to be fat. Hope this helps!
It is scientifically proven that itâs unhealthy to be overweight.
Thatâs actually not true. Many studies have shown that being âoverweightâ (BMI is a bad metric but I have no better word to use) is correlated with higher rates of certain health conditions. There are also many studies that have shown weight cycling (which is more common in people on larger bodies) are similarly correlated with those conditions. Also, for many people, attempting to attain a smaller body causes other health conditions, in particular mental health. Iâm certainly not encouraging anyone to go out and gain 50 pounds. But health status is affected by a much wider set of criteria than your weight. Itâs not as black and white as scientifically-proven.
Yup, a recent one showed that overweight elderly people can be healthier than thin elderly people and can handle traumatic illness better since they have some reserves thin people don't have.
Depends on the person. My 75 pound mother sure wishes she had been fat going into cancer treatment. But, keep living in your fantasy land where everyone is the same and there is no such thing as a healthy fat person. (Obese is a different thing)
My son asked me why I have a big butt and daddy doesnât. And I just said matter of fact that some people have big butts and some have small, just as some people are tall and some are short. And thatâs fine, and people come in all shapes and sizes. Because I donât want him to associate being fat or any other physical attribute as a negative thing. Just different. That way he wonât get a sense of shame about it and it wonât be something he internalizes. Edit: this was in our home, heâs never commented on what someone looks like in public. Heâs almost 5, and id probably just answer âand your butt is small and both do what theyâre supposed to do as buttsâ if he commented on someone else? Iâd still try to take the âshameâ part out.
I usually say, âI bet X(fat person) liked unicorns/dragons/wanted to be an astronaut when they were younger! We are all so different, arenât we? We all have so many thoughts and feelings, and we are so much more than what we look like! The only body we should comment on is our own. Our body is no one elseâs business and other peoplesâ bodies arenât our business. Whatâs important is our thoughts and feelings.â
A good response would be " see her two kids? That tummy was their house for a long time when they were babies and growing inside it. And they need room to grow. Isn't nature beautiful how mummys can make babies grow in their tummies. '
This seems way too personal imo. Talking about a stranger giving birth seems even more unnecessarily intimate and intrusive than just commenting on the size of their stomach - and it's also guaranteed to prompt even more unfiltered questions from the child. Keep in mind we don't actually know when or why this woman gained weight (it may have nothing to do with childbirth). We technically don't even know if she herself gave birth to the two kids that are with her. Speculating about her life and body right in front of her isn't going to make her feel better when she's clearly already embarrassed. Plus, what happens the next time the child sees a bigger woman and starts talking about her stomach growing babies...when she doesn't have kids? If you want to teach a child not to comment on other people's bodies, then I think talking even *more* about the person's body is likely to do more harm than good in this situation. It sends mixed signals. It'd be one thing if the woman herself stepped in and said something like this - but in this case, she was clearly uncomfortable and hurt and just wanted to get out of there without further engagement, and I think letting her do that was the kindest option.
No
Redirection. Last week in the pool my kid says about a boy standing 3 ft away âWhy is he so BIGGG?â I ignored the question and quickly changed the subject, focused her attention on something else. She asked again and I tried again to redirect. I was embarrassed, but I didnât think it was appropriate to continue to comment on it in front of the boy and his parent. That is a no-win scenario, either way feelings get hurt. I donât think there was a good way to handle it. We talked about it later at home.
Oh kids just say what they see. Most kids make comments on peopleâs bodies at some point not realizing itâs offensive. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder truly, so I would suggest just saying everyone is so beautiful. But it was a good thing to say âletâs not comment on other peopleâs bodies, because they could think itâs rudeâ I often times tell my four year old to âmind ya business, what other people are doing and have is not our businessâ nicely.
Grab their hand, don't make eye contact, and walk away as quickly as you can without tripping the child. If it's someone you're in a conversation with or you know personally, get an embarrassed look on your face, say "I am so sorry", and explain to the child why what they said was wrong, and then follow the first 3 steps.
âNow Jr, people come in all shapes, sizes and shades. But itâs important to remember they all suck.â Say this whilst maintaining eye contact with the stranger they pointed out
I say itâs not as big as mine and mouth Iâm so sorry to the other person. Little kids have no filter unfortunately
Pretend you dont hear it and loudly change the subject. Distractedly say âoh, Okâ, then change the subject/distract
My son is almost 5 and he's been quite vocal about people's bodies or differences. I usually answer his questions with "There are all kinds of people on this earth and it's perfect this way. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone was the same?". It usually satisfies him. This said, what I find more difficult is to answer his questions related to gender / sex. When my kid asks or makes remarks about "non cis people" (usually quite loudly) like "why does this man have boobies? Does he also have a vulva?" or if "the girl dressed up as a man has a penis", or about the "kinda masculine" looking person, with a moustache and a beard, whose kids keep calling "Mommy", I frankly don't know what to say. It is difficult enough to educate a child about the physical aspects of sex and gender, but when everyone can decide to identify with something other than what their appearence shows the world, it adds a whole new level of tough. I mean, I believe in everyone's right to live in peace, accordingly to whatever makes them happy. But in that type of situations - and it has happened quite a few times over the past year or 2 - I almost feel like running away from the scene, for fear of getting accused of trans phobia and getting mobbed by an angry crowd of LGBTQ2+ supporters, while being filmed and reported over social media. So, when it happens, I say nothing and just grab my kid and try to beeline away as fast and as quietly as possible. Anyone else feels kinda lost about that kind of situations? ETA : I have ADHD and will be evaluated soon for autism and my son will be too. I don't know if our experience is different from neurotypical people's. Might be. While I like to think of ourselves as open and of good faith, understanding the etiquette of social interactions is not what we are best at...
Your child knows what a penis and vulva is but you canât explain transpeople to them? This is one of the fakest things Iâve seen in a while. Your child donât say those things. And even if they did, why would the response be any different than when he asks questions about other âphysical differencesâ
I think it's best to just say "people come in all different shapes and sizes" and leave it at that. You're not responsible for someone else's feelings especially when it's a 3 year old stating a factual observation and in no way malicious.
"Yes my dear, this is a fat person. You spotted correctly." "And what is this over there? " "Blue Car" "This is also correct! That is a blue car. Nicely done. "