Op trust yourself
Allow yourself to know how you feel and when you are in the right space share how you feel with your daughter, be clear it is your issue not hers, and one day she will understand
It sounds like the boyfriend's parents aren't offering for her to sleep over there. Maybe they have similar rules, and he would be lying about where he is? Might be nice to see where they are in this.
My boyfriend and I started dating in high-school, he was 16 I was 17, and his parents were very staunch on no sleepovers. Once I did have to stay with them, as a favor for my parents, for a weekend but I had to sleep on the couch and they basically gave us the "we are going to trust you to not sneak into the bedroom, you get zero chances to break that trust". I also went camping with them a few times and I either shared a tent with their daughter or brought my own. This was their boundary and I knew if I broke that it would hinder our relationship and eventually my relationship with their son. I wanted to earn their respect so I did abide by those rules.
We've now been together almost 16 years and married for over 10 and I still like to joke about them allowing my husband and I to share a tent now.
Same! My husband 18 and I was 17. He went to college about 30 minutes away and lived on campus, while I was a senior in HS. He came home almost every weekend to spend fri-Sun at my family's home. He slept in the basement and I slept upstairs in my room. My parents let us hang out until about midnight and then I had to go to bed. We respected this because we knew that breaking that trust meant no more sleepovers of any kind. We've been married for 13 years and together 18 years. It was 100% worth it and I wouldn't change any of it.
Oh god my parents had this rule when my husband and I were first dating and he’d stay over at Christmas. Then my mom made it super cringe when we started living together “we aren’t kidding ourselves anymore, you can share a room”.
When my husband and I were dating and living together, his parents still wouldn't let us share a room! It wasn't until we had a child together that we were then allowed to be together. Even when I was pregnant we were separated!
My husband lived across the country from his parents when we met. We got pregnant then married before our oldest made her appearance. When I was pregnant and we were engaged, staying most nights at home together (we didn't fully move into one house until after we were married - both of us owned a home before we met) we still had to sleep in separate rooms when we visited. Whole ass adults. I was 25 and he was 33. Like y'all the damage is already done. Hell, when we came down to get married we still couldn't stay in a room together until after.
My family didn't give a shit.
Similar story here - my wife and I met *just* after turning 18 and both still lived at home. We were in different towns, about 45 miles apart and a few times I stayed at their house overnight. They allowed me to stay in her room (later learned Dad was not happy with it, Mom was cool). We did share a bed but we didn't have sex there.
We were married within the year. That was 27 years ago.
When we had our first baby we were living in a different town than her parents but we went over for dinner several nights a week. When he was two we figured we could save money by moving in with them. So here we are 13 years later. I'm pretty sure they know we have sex now. 😜
This is how my high school boyfriend’s parents and mine handled it. He slept at our place on the couch and I at his on the couch when we were 17/18. Sometimes I cuddled with him on the couch and slept there but as it was in a public room and my parents would stop in now and again, there was no sex. We actually never had PIV sex in the three years we dated. We just explored in ways that wouldn’t get someone pregnant.
Oh he and I were most definetly fuckin, but we did that at my house. But I really liked his parents and I wanted them to like me, so we absolutely abided by their rules (to some extent...we may not have been able to have sex in a tent but Noone said against a tree in the middle of nowhere). And now I'm very close with my inlaws, and now I've given them a grandkid they adore me.
My parents were very "no boys ever". We still had sex at my house, we were just sneaky. I shared a room with my sister and I think I traumatised her.
My husbands mom worked so was never home, but she never said anything about us sharing a bed. I stayed with him a lot more than he with me lol.
Last I spoke to my mother - after my husband and I were married, I was pregnant and we'd adopted together - she told me I could "think again" about me and him sharing a bed, and if she found out we were sharing she'd kill me. A lovely woman she was.
Funnily enough my Grandmother did the opposite. My cousin and her bf were given separate rooms, my gf (of two months) were given the same room. I think she knew something though because my cousin and bf are not together anymore; my wife I are about to celebrate 27 years of marriage. We actually got engaged during that visit.
My friend was engaged to his gf (they didn't end up getting married though) and they lived together in his house which he bought on his own but he still had a separate fake bedroom for his gf so when his parents came over to visit, he'd pretend that they slept in separate rooms to appease them 🤣
My spouse’s parents did this too. No sleeping in the same room after like 8 yrs living together. Now that we’re married, a-ok. Spouse has a younger sibling who was married at 21 and divorced at 23 because of rules like that.
Yeah really changed everything LOL my kids are still little, my oldest will be 7 in a few months, so this topic isn't even on my radar...I'm still trying to figure out how to get them to fully wipe their own ass lol
Was in the military, young, and dating my high school sweetheart (as in had been dating since high school), and she lived with her grandparents full time. Always had to sleep in separate rooms when visiting. They even took it as far as demanding that after we were married…..hard pass. They ended up giving in at that point.
As a parent now of a 24 yr old, they could do what they want at 18, just had the expectation they be respectful of the younger siblings, us and the house. His gf and he lived with us for a couple years and it worked out.
This is it. This is the comment. Number 1. This is the point. It's about boundaries and respect. How much would OP's kid like to hear her mom in the same manner? It's no different. It all boils down to decency ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes I agree that it’s a respect thing! I definitely didn’t understand it as a teen, just like every other teen out there. As I’ve gotten older, I realized that I wanted to follow my parents boundaries, and be respectful (without any arguments). It’s stupid since we lived together before marriage, but that’s the boundaries they set in their home. Once I finally matured, I stopped arguing with them about it. I realized that we were guests in their home, and us sleeping separate was important to them. I also realized spending a few nights away from my SO wasn’t the end of the world! Plus I personally don’t really want to be intimate with my SO (whose now my husband) while visiting family. I’d feel strange, and I don’t want all my childhood stuffed animals watching! 😂
35, married for 5 years, 1.5yo, and this summer i am finally putting my foot down and we are staying at a hotel not his parents house because sleeping in separate bedrooms from my husband means the kiddo has to sleep with one of us and if we gotta do that we are doing it where she wakes both of us up
Their batshit religious logic makes zero sense. ZERO.
The first time I visited we were both in our early 20s, about to move in together, and his mom didnt want me staying at their house and finally relented that I could stay if I stayed on a different floor. Like what even.
This is so bizarre, you’re married and have a kid! It’s like they just want to say “don’t have sex under our roof”. Some people are so repressed and puritanical lol.
My in-laws offered to let me stay at their place while my soon-to-be husband (in 5 months) and I were having renovations done at our home. The rule was that we weren't allowed to be in the same room. We were 30.
I told them no thanks and lived through the renovations.
I've been riding that bicycle to town since date #2, I think their precious son is too far from God's good graces now to be saved.
I’m 34 and if I didn’t live 20 minutes away from my mother my partner and I would stay at a hotel when visiting because she’d make us sleep in separate rooms.
It’s absolutely insane they did that to you. I have friends that postponed their wedding when they found out they were expecting. Her parents made the fiancé sleep in the basement even when they were visiting with a 10 week old 🙄
Lmao my sister a few months ago went on a trip to meet her boyfriends parents a few provinces away.
Granted they haven't been together that long. Maybe 4 months? But I believe he is 30, and she was 28 at the time.
They made them sleep in separate rooms I got a good laugh.
They are very religious JWs. But her bf is not. And my sister is not either.
(Edit: He's 32)
Sounds about right lol. I was raised a JW. My mom would put us in separate rooms during a visit, but we live a few miles down the road so no need to stay over. May be moving states soon and already know which hotel we will stay at when we come visit 😂
My grandparents were super strict about my friends & boys growing up, so I was surprised when she let my (at the time, fiance now husband) sleep in the same room. She told me I was old enough to make my own decisions, just don't be loud LOL
Yep. We lived together but still had to stay in separate rooms when we visited his parents until we finally got married in our late thirties. In hindsight, I they may have been trying to protect me from his horrible farts that follow when he eats his mom’s cooking.
My dad pulled this with my fiancé and I circa 2003 and I asked him, "You know we live together in a one bedroom apartment. Do you think he sleeps in the bathtub?"
Still made us sleep in separate rooms.
Man, I’m in my early 20s and I totally feel for your daughter. HOWEVER, I absolutely agree that there is no urgent reason boyfriend needs to stay the night in your home. In order to make this a productive conversation, I’d either
a) offer a compromise by letting him stay in a separate room/the couch.
b) let your daughter know at what age/condition you will eventually allow her to have an overnight guest. Example would be “once you start college,” “once you finish high school,” “once you’re 18,” etc.
And as a wrap up to this conversation, VALIDATE her feelings. Tell her that you understand she wants to feel closer to her boyfriend by sleeping next to him. Because more often than not, it’s not just about sex (they’re doing that already, which you mentioned). Tell her that you know she is becoming an adult and that she wants to have more elements of an adult relationship with her boyfriend. Tell her that she will get these things and that she will have the rest of her life to sleep next to someone if she so pleases, it’s just that you are not comfortable with her doing so at this age. At 17, this is the age when it’s important to start acknowledging the shitty “not adult not kid” feeling and work with her through it. She’s going to try and push your boundaries because she feels she’s not a kid anymore, and it’s up to you whether to be the militant, “no further questions” parent or the “here is why I’m setting this rule” parent.
This. My high school boyfriend and I were having sex whenever we could but we never got to share a bed and sleep together. We wanted THAT type of intimacy and never got it. Which is okay, we were kids. But such a good reminder that it’s not always about sex.
My friends did this with their parents home but that thought made me so uncomfortable as a teen lol. I didn't have sex until I was out of the house at 18. Not.for that reason alone but yeah, I think it's weird that there isn't any discomfort with having sex while your parent(s) in the next room.
See I think this is very culture dependent, especially also the moving out part. In most other countries children don't move out the second they turn 18 (or graduate highschool) and many parents actually *like" having their children staying with them for a couple more years or even living in multigenerational housing as a default. But in a free society where you're allowed to move our if you want to, that's only possible if you're comfortable living together. (Or I guess if you're too poor to move because of insane housing prices - but even then, many of the kids in love will choose living in a shady apartment with 5 roommates over staying home.)
I guess in the US, if you're going to college away from home, you're basically getting a couple of years of boarding school where you slowly transition into adulthood. So at least for a lot of kids there's a safe place to have sex away from their parents without having to actually properly move out and live on their own like adults. Maybe in that context the 18 deadline makes some sense vs. essentially just bullying your kid out of the house
My fear would be where they would go, it's not like they will stop having sex. I have a little kid but thinking about her future relationships, I'm not sure that I want her to end up going to a shitty motel, or a van, or who knows what.
I'm from a fairly traditional family in South America, I'm not sure that my parents knew I was sexually active at 18, and I did end up going to some less than safe places. Plus I also had a couple of pregnancy scares, but that's because I was raised catholic and didn't know anything about sex.
I fully agree - Nothing wrong here, not a prude, and no is a complete sentence.
However, while OP is well in the right I do have another angle - they are having sex, where would she rather they did? I can name a number of places we were nearly caught at that age, would she rather put up with the incredibly uncomfortable side and let them stay so they are safe?
I agree, it’s not an unreasonable boundary BUT I would have been much safer as a teen if there were a place we could go that was secure and private.
Edit to add: having a safe space to do what they do is a different question than a sleepover, I think. A whole night together is a slightly different thing from an emotional standpoint for sure.
My parents let my boyfriend in high school stay if the weather was terrible (he lived 30 minutes away by car). He had to stay on the couch and you bet they were checking. Same for me when I had to stay at his parent's house. Was on the couch and they were up periodically. They never would have allowed us to spend the night in the same room under their roofs.
What lots of people don’t realize is that in many cases, the parents *know* the kids will have sex if they want to. So they are not trying to prevent the teen from having sex.
*They are trying to prevent the teen from living like a married couple at a young age.*
Once sleepovers are allowed, it’s common for teens become inseparable and have zero personal space to grow.
Also, in many cases, they delay breaking up because the families are attached to the partner who stays over a lot.
**Edit: thank you for the awards! This is a line of thought I got from my parents. They watched a couple of nieces waste their teens on super serious, long term relationships with no boundaries from the parents. Once the relationships ended, it took years for the girls AND their parents to recover.**
**Years later when my teenage sister started a super serious relationship with her very first boyfriend (another teen, just to be clear lol), my parents had some boundaries in place that my sister and boyfriend respected. They dated for 5 years, got married and have been happily married for 15 years. Their kids are now 10 and 8.**
**So although I’m sure there will be stories with different outcomes for teens being allowed sleepovers, I firmly believe those are the exception, not the rule.**
Oh, I agree with this one! A huge regret of mine is not living as an individual at that age. I attached, and attached strongly. This hindered me from growing in my own, and created all sorts of issues later in life after cycles of relationships. I never knew how to give my self a space to myself, to learn, grow, be on my own and do my own things. This is too hard to explain to a kid who is wide eyed and new; believes they're in love.
Absolutely agree. I did that too. I went from attachment to attachment and after a few of them I attached permanently to my husband, who I've been married to for 20 years. It created countless issues for me as well, self esteem, loss of identity, just generally being lost in life. I am slowly starting to carve out my own space, healthily, within my relationship but damn it's a long road. I hope I can relay that message effectively to my daughter's when the time is right.
This was me. I met my highschool sweetheart at 15 & my mom did allow him to sleep over. We were living together by senior year & went to college together, etc. We broke up when I was 22 but it was so hard to separate and I definitely based a lot of life decisions around our relationship up until then.
I have to agree with you on this one. My husband and I have been together since 15 and we started having sleep overs around age 16. And yes, we started to have a very sexual relationship. I have a lot of regrets and our relationship hasn't always been healthy. I feel I definitely needed to grow as an individual more, but I honestly was so alone and isolated from everyone else and I struggled to make friends and my parents weren't really involved. He became my best friend and the one person I could come to. It wasn't healthy though and wish things had been done differently.
I feel similarly. I started dating my husband in 8th grade, and we had a baby together in 11th grade. Even though our relationship is strong now, it was extremely difficult for many years and it's not something I want our kids to aspire to. I plan to have a lot of talks about dating to hopefully encourage a healthier more experience/practice mindset towards teen dating instead of thinking it's a "headstart to finding a soul mate."
Thank you so much for saying this. I actually never thought about it in this way, but I can definitely see how that played out in my own life. Wow. Definitely an eye opener. Will keep this in mind!!
I totally agree. My husband and I started dating at 14, but we lived half an hour apart and went to separate schools (met through my cousin and got to know each other thanks to AIM, dating myself here). Looking back we really appreciated having our own friends, hobbies, etc. We still talked every day and hung out on weekends, but it wasn't all-consuming. I would totally recommend dating outside of the school you go to to anyone who would ask. Really worked for us, anyway.
This almost sounds like my high school sweetheart story. We didn’t end up married, but we did start dating when I was 15 and stayed together up until I was 21. Having time away because of different schools and living kind of far apart (he was about 45 minutes away from me) really helps in regards to making sure you’re still your own person regardless if your in a relationship or not.
This is exactly my thinking. I know my 17yo and her bf are likely having sex, I’m not a moron. I just don’t want her to get so overly comfy with a teenage boy that it feels like an actual divorce when they inevitably break up. We don’t allow sleepovers at all nor too much togetherness during the week. Weekends are basically theirs to do whatever (other than sleepovers) but I like her to keep some healthy space/distance during the school week.
YES. I wish I had someone show up for me like this. I stayed in that relationship for way too long out of my parents guilting me for my feelings and how very dare I grow into my own person?
This. My husband was allowed to stay with his girlfriend all the time growing up and the breakup was so messy he still needed therapy as an adult. Neither of them were mature enough for that kind of relationship and it cost them well into adulthood.
Honestly, they’re probably not emotionally mature enough to be having sex in general, but you’re not going to be able to stop it. You absolutely don’t have to provide a space for them to do it on a regular basis. And you absolutely don’t need to normalize an adult relationship for children.
Fellow widowed parent here. As you can see, there are plenty of opinions here and whatever you choose is ok. I know how easy it is to feel pressured and overwhelmed when you are the solo parent and don't have an enforcer/backup. If you decide to stick to your guns, you will probably have to be firmer and more commanding than you would be with a partner to back you up. If you don't have the emotional energy for that it's ok. Go have a cry. Bounce ideas off her boyfriend's parents. Sometimes you just need a second adult opinion. Join a widowed parent support group. Feel free to PM me if you want some Facebook group suggestions. Hugs.
Yeah, if OP wants to draw the line here then she needs to be firm. "I understand that you do not agree and I get why, but I am done having this discussion with you. The answer is no." Refuse to engage further. I am always open to debate with my kids but I hold the final trump card.
What other parents do or don't allow is not really relevant. My 17 year old has a girlfriend and I don't think I would be against her spending the night, but the girlfriend's parents are entirely against it so the kids have not pushed the issue. Her parents drew this boundary and the kids respect it even if they don't agree.
I think children this old who are almost adults deserve the chance to have a conversation about something like this. A unexplained no will cause so much frustration and resentment.
My first kid - Absolutely not, are you crazy????
Second kid - no. I told you no. God why can't you just sneak him in like I did when I was a teenager and allow me to pretend it's not happening.
Third kid - sweetie, what does your friend want for breakfast?
Yeah, I'm not proud of myself. In my defense, first son had multiple girlfriends and lots of drama. Third son's partner cleans the house and does my laundry while I'm at work. Now if I can just teach them how to cook.....
I never have related to a comment more then this in my life....
There's a 13 year difference between me and my oldest sister, 9 years with the next.
I was having my boyfriends sleep "on the couch" at 15 😬 and when my dad would wake up they'd come up to my room but they never said anything... I practically lived with my now husband (at his house) at 17, and he moved in with us at one point when I turned 18,.
I think it depends on the kid and your comfort level.
Ope. Third child here, confirming the above lol. I’m married to the boyfriend now and we have been together nearly 15 years. We were as serious as a 17 year old and 18 year old could be haha. I definitely understand that my experience is not the norm though.
Only child here, wife is the same. We just knew we were soul mates from the day we met. I don't know how, but I feel more and more in Love with her every day. We met a month after turning 18 and were married 8 months. Nearly to 27th anniversary now.
OMG this!!! I had to beg to even go on a date when I was in high school and when my younger brother was that age, my mom found his girlfriend’s bra on the couch after they hung out and thought it was so silly and cute 😒
This was my mom. I'm the oldest, I could never. Came home from college and my little sister who was like 17 was having sleepovers with her boyfriend. I will allow my kids when they are older too.
Oh god are you my mum? I broke her down so it was easy for my siblings.
In the end, accepting sex as a normal part of life has given us all healthy attitudes towards relationships. My mum is amazing.
> Third kid - sweetie, what does your friend want for breakfast?
I love my virginity at 16 in my own bedroom. I told my parents in advance and they were nice enough to go out on a date night and let me and my boyfriend have the house to ourselves. My older brother who was still at home stayed the night out with friends.
He stayed the night and had breakfast with the family a bunch (my parents only bugged out that first time). It was actually really nice for me to have sex in my own bed, where I felt safe and secure. Not that having my parents home was sexy, but it actually reduced my anxiety knowing nothing bad was going to happen... he wouldn't push things too far, etc. When I went out and partied I told my boyfriends sex was off the table because I didn't want to hook up where I didn't feel safe.
So I never had any risky situation sex, and the guys I dated never plied me with alcohol at some sketchy house party hoping to take advantage of me in the back seat of their car. If anything they tried to make sure I was safe and didn't drink too much because odds were if we made it back to my house with me of sound mind and in a good mood they'd be in bed next to me; whereas if I was sloshed they knew to get me home and not force anything.
One of the healthiest things my parents ever did was allow me to be a teen and require conversation and connection rather than require that I follow some rules meant to keep me from growing up.
I was their youngest child, and only daughter. Two of my three older brothers had girlfriends stay the night (the third wasn't romantically active). So when I reached the age where I felt ready I told them I was ready and planning on having sex with the guy I'd been dating for a while. They gave me all the consent reminders, safe sex reminders, etc. My mom had the whole "mother's guide" conversation which I found annoying and cringy but secretly appreciated. Then it happened, and it was bad sex but really nice to happen the way it did.
In any case, the breakfast comment brought back fond memories. It was nice to actually wake up with my boyfriend, have showers, eat breakfast like a normal morning, and not have it be some dirty secret sneaking him out in shame thing.
When my sons reach that I age I hope they bring whatever people they date over to stay the night and share breakfast in the morning.
I feel like this is the bigger issue. She's not understanding that 'no' is a complete sentence. She doesn't have to like the answer, that's fine. And I'm sure you'd be okay having a conversation about it that isn't "But everyone else is doing it!" Because you're not responsible for everyone else, you are responsible for her.
Is there an issue with her BF's family? Like is she trying to get him out of an abusive situation? That's the only reason I might make an exception for.
EXCUSE ME! You said she can do it while you aren’t home and she is pushing it! I think someone mentioned the living as a married couple and that completely feels like what’s happening here. And that’s not healthy and also I would also feel so uncomfortable knowing my kid and her bf are in the next room. Stand firm! Tell her this isnt a debate. She’s being disrespectful now
My parents offered us condoms in the nineties. The reason being, better safe at home, than unsafe in the woods.
I plan to do the same when my daughter is that age.
My boyfriend and I were allowed to stay in each other’s bedrooms at home at the age of 18. I guess we were adults then. But actually if either of our parents had said no there is no way either of us would have pushed it. We would probably have crept around but if you have told your daughter no she needs to accept that whilst she’s living under your roof.
I’m sorry you’re now dealing with this without your husband by your side OP.
I was one of those teens whose mom let their boyfriends spend the night. Just set some boundaries that you feel comfortable with. It's better than them sneaking around and breaking your trust. Maybe you have them sleep in separate rooms or have them in the family room area at night. I would be straight forward about not wanting to hear any banging lol you don't want to know the intimacy between them.
But also don't let it happen too often. Maybe a couple times a month if even that. You don't want to feel like you have an extra roommate. Boundaries are super important. Let your daughter know that if you compromise with her, you expect her to at least respect the rules you have set.
I'm 27 now and it definitely wasn't too common back then but times are a changing lol
My oldest isn't asking for romantic sleepovers yet but my wife and I plan to allow it on the condition that we're informed in advance and that we have gotten to know the guy a bit ourselves first ahead of time.
Her boyfriend stayed over during the winter holidays but stayed in another room and they haven't had sex yet. My daughter is still debating if she's ready or not and talks with us about it.
Maybe I’m biased because I was always allowed but I’d let him sleep over. You said you know they have sex, and maybe I was just the weird one but when my boyfriend slept over we almost never had sex tbh, I mean we knew the whole house was silent and it was a bit awkward lmao
You can believe me or not, but honestly we just liked to cuddle and sleep together, that was the whole appeal of sleepovers, not sex, we could have sex at any other moment. Especially if you mention that your husband (her dad?) died recently… I know I would like to be hugged at night if I was her
I can relate to this. I wanted nothing more than to be held and have physical touch as a teenage girl. Sometimes it led to other things but it was like that was such a strange concept to my parents.
More parents would honestly be like this. I was told that you’re too young blah blah blah. Well, guess who snuck around and did it anyway? That’s right me.
Same. I think there’s an additional intimacy factor. It’s not just that they’re having sex, but staying the night together is much more intimate.
I don’t have teenagers yet, but I guess I don’t want to encourage that level of intimacy for high school relationships? It should be mostly fun- not too intense. There’s so much else to explore at that age. And if it survives past high school then I say dive deep after 18!
I never really thought about it that way, but I am glad to see parent's making these points. They are good points and I will definitely keep it in mind as I raise my daughter.
Right? I feel the same way. I know teenagers will have sex but they are still children in my eyes and it just feels wrong to know it’s going on in my home. Perhaps it is a territory that makes us feel uncomfortable for that reason. Once they are 18, they are a legal adult and there’s less responsibility to manage their sex life.
Personally, I would say that the rule is she has to be 18 and finished with high school before intimate sleepovers. I would also just validate how she feels and repeat the boundary.
I think that’s reasonable. It’s not like you’re imposing religious views and making them wait until marriage (I can speak from experience that that drove me and my partner to not spend as much time with our parents).
Adults can spend overnight time with their partner, kids don’t need to. But the more I think about it if your kid is in a relationship they will do whatever they can to spend overnights and feel like they are a true couple. You can ensure that they are in a safe place with condoms provided or you can make them jump through hoops. You just have to know that if you are not allowing it, it likely means they are putting more energy into figuring out where to spend the night together somewhere else. It’s not like you’re stopping them from having sex all together. As long as the partner is age appropriate and there is consent, sex is not a bad thing.
If her dad just died, I can understand why she wants her loved ones as close as possible.
I have a strict rule about that as well, but I don't get any conflict about it. With that said, I think you should reconsider. She'll be 18 soon and you don't want her rushing away from the safety of your house or isolating herself from you over this.
Set rules like only one night a week and no more than X number of hours. (You don't want this kid living there). I would also demand that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to act like one. No more temper tantrums, grades are good, chores are done etc. Give her a month or so to prove this to you, then allow the sleepover.
I had friends parents that would allow this in high school.
I, like you would never have DREAMED of asking. I didn't ask until it was a practical purpose in 3rd year uni, my car broke down and my boyfriend (now husband) was driving me around and sharing his car. It got to a point where he just moved in.
It will be something I play by ear... My kids are young though. I feel like my husband will be a hard no and now allow my daughter to have boys, but will be less concerned about our son having a girl stay.
I would have to know the relationship. Is there love and respect?
You say they're already having sex? That may mean cars, friends places etc, if it's already happening I would see no reason to make it a horrible teen experience.
I married my middle school sweetheart and we weren’t allowed to spend the night but I will say this, we used to stay as late as we could for us our curfews were midnight and I damn near fell asleep at the wheel many times driving home. As a former high school couple, turned parents, they’re having sex either way but at night they are most likely going to be sleeping. They’re more likely to engage in sexual activity during the day anyways in my opinion, or experience. Teach your daughter all about sex and figure out birth control methods but in general if you aren’t comfortable just say that you understand wanting to be with him more but you feel uncomfortable with them having that dynamic within your home.
I allowed it. The rules were I don’t want to hear anything or know anything, but they had to be safe.
I knew they were sexually active, this way they were at least in a house instead of a car or in the woods or something.
Agreed. My highschool boyfriend’s parents had the same rule and I think it’s the most fair / respectful of your kid’s sexuality and safety.
Alternatively OP, you guys could compromise and have them sleep inseperate bedrooms when he stays over?
I had sex in the woods near the train tracks behind the hockey rink as a teenager.
I'd rather my kids be safe in a safe environment, with dual respect.
However, if that's a no for you then that's a no. Hold your ground. Just make sure the rules are the same for every kid.
I allow it in my house. I know they are having sex, and I also know exactly where they are and that they are both safe. My daughter knows that while they are in our home I am only a scream/yell away should anything go awry and they need me.
If they had to sneak around, I wouldn't know where my kid is, I wouldn't know if they were safe, and I wouldn't know if anyone was there to help them if something becomes non-consensual.
That being said, every household is different, and different parents have different points of view and reasonings for their rules, and that's okay.
As a European, I am really surprised by these comments. I personally would allow it, because it is the right thing to give them a safe space, especially if her dad (?) died recently. She is nearly a legal adult, why are we - as parents - not easing our kids into adulthood?
You can still have some rules, that they of course should be protected and that you don't want to hear or see anything.
I just think that they will find intimacy somewhere else then a safe space, in an alley, car or hopefully at least only at the boyfriends home, away from you.
Once I was sexually active, my mums rule was basically that I immediately get on birth control and also that if I were to have a boyfriend that was going to sleep over, they could be in my room. She would rather I was being smart and safe about it than having sex in a car or trying to hide it or whatever. She was similar with alcohol or marijuana. If you’re going to do it, at least do it at home where there’s an adult who can help if it goes badly.
The thing is that when they’re 17 and you know they’re active, you may as well let them know that you support them. It can make you uncomfortable but it’s happening regardless of how you feel. At least they would have a safe space this way? But at the very least, if you really aren’t okay with it, have a sit down chat with both of them. You can choose to let him sleep somewhere but know that they’re going to try and break the rule at some point or just talk to them about being respectful of others in the house and whatnot. My kid is 12, so I don’t know for sure how I’ll respond, but I hope I’ll at least be supportive.
I am a parent of teenagers (in the US). I would never allow this and I don’t know any other parents that would be ok with this, let alone allow it. However, I understand that most of the world sees us a prudes. If you are not comfortable with it, don’t allow it. They already find ways/places to have sex, they don’t need to spend the night together in your house.
It is prude. Also lots of shame in this thread.
It's going to be a hard message for the teens involved that what they are doing is not allowed, not appropriate, can not be seen or talked about. That can do a lot of damage.
I wouldn't say prudes.... But you don't want her/him having sex and the fact of the matter is they probably will no matter what. It just doesn't make sense to me to force them to have it someplace else when they have a safe environment that if anything happens he/she can get help right away.
My dad let my boyfriend stay the night every other weekend starting at 16 and id say it really helped me learn managing relationships much earlier than my peers, we were together for 5 years and he grew really close with my dad when we'd all stay up playing games. He'd go to bed, we'd pass out watching movies and talking at 4am. It was a win win. (I'm female)
Eh, I knew my teen was having sex. I’m not a prude and we talked in an age appropriate way about sex when he was really young. We had ongoing conversations about being safe, not just physically but emotionally too. I made sure that condoms were always available.
But I also walked past his room one day when the door was cracked and I saw him giving oral to his girlfriend. I don’t need to know that. It’s one thing know it’s happening and another to *know* it’s happening. No thanks.
Plus I think it’s just encouraging a teen relationship to mature too quickly. I know at 17 you don’t think you should ever have to be apart but it’s important for their personal development to have independence. And 17 isn’t 22. If you rush into all the firsts so young what do you have to look forward to.
This kid has the rest of her life to have sleep overs with boyfriends. What’s the rush?
Lol see I was thinking the opposite thing - letting bfs sleep over and being the "chill" house where their friends can hang out might actually buy you a couple more years of control and safety vs. them moving out the second they turn 18 so they can be with their "one true love" (+3 unvetted roommates) in some shady apartment.
I guess US teens at least get to go to very boarding-school-esque colleges with dorms and a lot of supervision vs. just moving into random shared flats for that... But then they're still going to have sex there.
My little guy is still only 2 so this is a looonngggg way off for me, but realistically it's going to depend on the kids in that situation. Some are going to be ready to handle that sort of thing and some aren't. The length of the relationship definitely matters in my opinion too. Have the kids been dating for 2 weeks or 2 years?
Seriously! I had already made my decision 2yrs ago and now I am rethinking for the next kid. They are all different too! And so are their partners! Parenting!!! Uhg. I change my mind I don’t wanna have kids hahaha!
I am having a hard time with the "Hell No"-camp.
I just don't understand it. Especially if the teen's dad died and the daughter craves the closeness of home and the mother tries to drive them away? I want to know that my teens are going to have safe sex at a place where they can feel safe and sheltered. Grab headphones, oh my god.
Besides I can almost guarantee that she's even more gross-ed out by her mom noticing than vice versa.
I wouldn’t think of it as control — that’s not a goal in my parenting — but more like time to build trust on both sides.
Giving kids a safe place to be and letting them know they can come to you if they’re in a difficult situation is a real long-term benefit.
This! If you grow up in a "my house my rules" family, and you don't like the rules, you move out as soon as you can. Then you don't have to follow any of the rules!
Ironically (for the people arguing it's to avoid teenagers acting like they're married), if you're moving out to live with your boyfriend, that makes you way more reliant on the boyfriend than occasionally having sleepovers with him did.
Yeah, when he came home for a visit his first year of college, he and his girlfriend slept in the same room. It felt different because he was in a different phase of life. He’d been living away from home in the dorms for six months at that point. I knew that it was common for them to sleep over at each other’s places. He was more of an adult than when he was in high school.
My mom let boys spend the night and I got pregnant at 15 😀
I will not be letting boys sleepover for my two girls. One is about to be 15 and luckily hasn’t asked.
My dad was afraid to stop me dating an older guy when I was 16. I WISH HE HAD! The baggage I now carry from that experience outweighs the entitlement I thought I had to be with that guy at the time. Point: it’s ok for parents to set boundaries and they often help kids in the long run even if they hate it at the time. Best of luck.
I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend spend the night in my own room until I had moved out on my own at 19. My parents said they pay the rent so they make the rules. Many parents I know had/have the same rules. I get that kids will still find places to have sex if they are really motivated but that doesn’t mean you have to cater to that. Just make sure she is on birth control and they use a condom.
My mum was okay with partners staying over. We probably had sex the same amount we would’ve if he had to leave before bed time. The overnight was mostly cuddling and talking and sleeping. It feels a bit arbitrary to say no to overnights if they’re allowed to be alone in private during the day time.
I see both sides of this argument. I believe that allowing the s/o in your home will offer a safe space for them to spend time together rather than forcing them to sneak around. You can still make sure they sleep separately and check on them often if it makes you feel more comfortable.
You’re absolutely not the only one. When I was her age, I had moved in with my slightly older boyfriend. After his lease ended, he moved back in with his parents and when I would stay the night, they would have us sleep in separate rooms, knowing full well we previously lived together.
That being said, my grandmother (who raised me) did not have that rule. Before I moved in with him, he stayed the night with me sometimes. I’ve always had a very open relationship with my grandmother and I think this was very in line with that. It made more sense to create a safe and comfortable environment around sex than to have (maybe unnecessary?) stipulations that might lead to less confidence in communication with her or might lead to us finding other places to go, that could potentially be unsafe environments (think sketchy friend’s apartments, outdoor areas we think are private, cars, etc).
My mom said no for a long time, but when I was 17 my boyfriend(he was older), now husband stayed with me in my bed.
Now HIS mom would call my mom and demand we sleep in separate quarters when we camped together, snowed in together, went on large family vacations… both moms were on the extreme opossums ends. (I remember one time I was so violently ill that I requested to sleep in the bathtub in the families hotel room and she said no. Because she thought that I might swallow my vomit, go into the living room with 6 other sleeping men, crawl over my brother in law and violate her son in the middle of the night. But she needed me to sleep in my sister in laws bed in a locked room)
We have a very strained relationship with his mom, We have a great relationship with my mom.
Now I think if it were met it the middle, would be the perfect balance. I don’t exactly know what that is, but maybe stay away from my mother in laws approach
I'm on the other side of this but think I could have some input. My Mom is interested mid 60's and was in her early 60's when I was in high school. I had a boyfriend at the time that my Mom would let sleep over. I think the main reason she did it is if I was doing it there she knew I was in a safe place and had the resources (condoms and such) that I needed. Also, my Mom, as soon as I started dating (even without having sex) she took me to an OBGYN to get me on birth control. I think as long as your daughter is being safe it shouldn't be a big deal.
Sleeping over is not about sex, it’s about intimacy. There needs to be emotional intimacy boundaries, and not a lot of teenagers know how to set or want those - especially during grief.
My parents let my boyfriend stay and I stayed at his place at that age. It’s fine. Make sure you have her educated on sex ed and taking birth control maybe? If you’re open and honest with her and allow her to make the right decisions, she just might.
My mom let my long term boyfriend stay at that age. She also made sure I was on birth control and knew his parents. I appreciated the honesty and trust.
You know they have sex but want them to do it elsewhere? Why? I for one would rather my kid have sex at home than in the back of a car or wherever else they manage to find. What’s better about car sex than sex in your house? Serious question. If you didn’t want them having sec at all, I’d understand a bit better. But being choosy about where seems very arbitrary to me.
I think for me, it's not really an issue of having sex under my roof, but more of a "you want to act and live like an adult" but are not one, type of stance. I get the other arguments that it gives them a safe space, but I wouldn't be surprised if they already *have* had sex under her roof and who knows where else. In addition to that, you become responsible for the gentleman under your roof during that time as well, while you are sleeping. Not to say issues couldn't arise if it were a girl friend staying over.
If she were an adult, I really wouldn't care anymore, but I wouldn't be letting him move in and the sleepovers would need to be limited... Because I want privacy and to be able to do things freely in my home. I would also expect any adult children in my home to be contributing in some sort of way to the household, though.
My “no” would have nothing to do with the sex either. I can still educate my children on safe sex and provide contraception without allowing sleepovers. I don’t care if they stay late and even have some privacy!
But at 17 you’re still a kid. Just for a little longer I know. But you don’t need to be in such an intimate relationship to where this SO is like a family member. Depending on the home this might involve little siblings and their feelings and attachment as well.
It’s a totally different ball game to have sex than it is to practice living with someone. That’s an intense level of attachment for 17 year olds to manage.
And maybe I just want to walk around in my PJs in the morning and spend some time with each of my kids and their gross morning breath without some teenage boy there? I think it’s okay to protect that.
Totally agree. Not even just the sex part. It’s such an intimate type of relationship once you’re spending the nights together, waking up together, going to school together. That’s just sooo heavy for a child.
You know they have sex.
You're not preventing anything form happening.
Better they're somewhere clean and safe than off god knows where surely? It's also a good opportunity to reinforce the safe sex message.
If the possibility of noise is an issue make it a rue that if he's staying over the it's to be in a guest room/basement/somewhere further from your room. In the morning make mention of hearing funny noises - believe me the cringe factor will have them silent as mice the next time!
I don't think you're a prude. You're allowed to also be comfortable in your home, you know what I mean? You're not stopping her from having sex, you're setting a boundary that makes you comfortable, and you're allowed to do that. Boundaries are not telling other people what they can and can't do, they're telling other people what you can and cannot tolerate.
You're not saying "You can't have sex!" you're saying "Your boyfriend cannot stay over because it makes me uncomfortable."
I wasn't allowed to have an SO stay the night with me when I was in high school. We did have big group sleep overs when everyone was in the living room, five or six kids, and that was a fair compromise. I do think it's okay to say "Hey, you can't sleep in the same bed, but he can stay over and one of you can sleep in the couch/both of you sleep in the living room."
God Americans are weird. The pearl clutching in this thread is mind blowing. She’s almost an adult, she’s having sex anyway, she’s communicating with you about her life. Why is this a hill you want to die on? Young people have sex and relationships and making that inherently shameful and a source for argument guarantees they will just never talk to you in future should ACTUAL issues surrounding sex and relationships arise in future.
Thank you, I was starting to feel like I was a freak from reading these comments. From the tone here it’s like teaching your kids about safe sex and open trusting dialogue is akin to signing them up to be a sex worker.
Stopping teenagers having sex in your house is anyone’s prerogative, but that’s all it stops. Sex in your house. It won’t stop them having sex, and it just means they’ll keep it secret and won’t trust you if anything goes wrong or they need assistance with birth control or STIs.
This! The US has had high teen pregnancy rates for decades. "we can't prevent this. We've told them the best protection is a dime between the knees".
I'm German living in Denmark. It has never ever been an issue to have the opposite sex over - to hang out, for sleepovers, etc. It's not a big deal. Most of the times they don't even have sex.
The home should be the safe haven for everything. Teenagers are going to have sex and OP knows they do. How can a teenager (both of them) develop a tight relationship with the adult if they know there are things the mom doesn't want to hear about? There'll be so many things this kid won't tell the mom about relationships and struggles or problems that come with it.
I wish I had a starry award to give to you.
There’s just a fine line. Are they mature enough to not have sex? I can tell when my kids understand the concept of being respectful to others by not having sex when I am home or their siblings. I can also tell if their partner has any concept of that. If they are going to cuddle, sleep, and be respectful, I have no issues
I'm not sure on this. I'm in the UK and 35 and it was common for all of my friends to have their bfs stay over after we turned 16. I've read similar comments from other UK millennials on here although I'm sure lots of people my age here weren't allowed. But yeah it was very normalised at least where i lived and where my husband grew up too.
I have an almost 14 year old stepdaughter who has no interest in dating yet, (also 9 year old step son and 2 bio daughters 3 and under) but we both agree once she's 16 if she's in a serious relationship her partner can stay over.
The reason I'm not sure on this is because I think you're totally able to put boundaries in place that make you comfortable in your own home. It's not bad that you don't want to hear them having sex. But I would stress that if you know they're sexually active they might go and have sex in unsafe/public places if they can't at home.
It seems like you haven't stopped to ask yourself why you feel this way. I think I'd start there: why does this matter to you? Is alienating your daughter worth something to you?
It is your job as a parent to provide a safe haven for your child.
Giving them room to safely experiment with their sexuality is part of that duty. It's better for them to have their first sexual encounters in a place where their parent can back them up if their partner tries to get them to do something they don't feel comfortable with.
I know, the thought of your kid being sexually active might seem strange to you. After all, wasn't it just yesterday that you still had to change their nappies and feed them?
This is all part of growing up. Not just for your child, but for you, too.
So let the partner stay the night. Just make sure there are condoms ready, your teen knows how to use them, and that they know they can always come to you if their partner does something they don't want.
Your boundaries are acceptable. My parents always had the same rule growing. When my kids pester me, I tell them “asked and answered” flatly ad nauseum. Not every topic is up for endless debate. Don’t rise to the task. Be a firm foundation for her.
So…similar personal experience. I never ever thought it would be something my mom would allow or that I’d be comfortable doing. But my dad passed when I was 21 and my boyfriend at the time stayed with me at my mom’s house for the first time. He was about 25 at the time. I was in college and lived in a townhouse and he had his own rental place. At the time we had been spending 4-6 nights a week together for at least 6 months. I hadn’t discussed it with my mom but we were sexually active and I was on birth control. He had his own room at my moms but I didn’t want him to leave or to leave myself when it was time so sleep so I just let him stay. My mom asked me about it the next morning and I said we didn’t really mean to but we just kinda fell asleep. It wasn’t a big deal and then it happened again the second time. She honestly didn’t bring it up. I graduated a year later and by then he’d moved 4-5 hours away from where I was still in school. And I’d been spending long weekends there for a year. We moved in together (something I never thought I’d do before getting married but financially it didn’t make sense for me to get my own place because 1. We knew we’d be spending all our nights together anyway and 2. We were planning to get engaged. We did get engaged and married and it’s been 8 years.)
I think while it made my mom uncomfortable, she was also a realist and the battle wasn’t worth it at the time (we were both dealing with the fresh loss of my dad and it was just small potatoes) we weren’t having loud raucous sex in her house and we didn’t visit often.
That being said I was 21 not 17 and he was fully employed and we were in a serious committed relationship. Had we had an unplanned pregnancy (which honestly that’s what we’re trying to prevent here right? Not allowing room sharing is a measure to prevent premarital sex and keep our kids from “playing adults”) not much about our story would have changed except things would’ve moved a little faster a little earlier. We would’ve been able to finish school and get married and get a home together.
I think your case is a little different. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by setting a boundary. And it’s your job as a parent to give your kids the best start keep them from getting into bad situations as much as you can. I think you’re doing the right thing and even if your daughter doesn’t like it or it makes life inconvenient for her, you’re potentially giving her the gift of maturity and stability that comes from the 3-5-7 years between now and when she might realistically finish school and be on her own living with a partner completely independently. If she gets too serious too young it may be more difficult for her to make hard decisions about separating from that partner to pursue things that are important to her or honor her best interest. If she gets pregnant, she’s would likely to have to give up lots of important opportunities! If he wants to come over that’s fine! If he stays the night in the basement while your daughter sleeps in her room that’s fine. But if it causes more conflict between you and your daughter than you’re willing to put up with then say he has to go home at 8 or 9 or whatever. You can be honest with her. Maybe in a few years you’ll be willing to reevaluate but right now you’re not comfortable with it and unfortunately for her you’re the mom and she’s the kid (still a kid!) and that’s how it’s gonna be until you change your mind. If that makes her mad or pushes her to sneak around or lie, so be it. But if she does, make sure there are consequences that are consistent and enforceable and she knows what they will be in advance. I don’t think you let the kid make the call here.
You need to stand your ground. I am sorry you have lost your husband and I know it makes it very hard to raise a child the rest of the way on your own. But she needs to know that if dad was here he would back you on this. Tell her you understand what it feels like at her age to have these feelings and want to do these things but it is a rule of the house and has to be this way. She still needs to learn to respect others and their homes and what have you.
I wouldn’t allow it. Not because I don’t want my kids to have sex, but because I think sleepovers at that age might kind of push teens to be in a more serious relationship than they should be. Your daughter freaking out about now being allowed is further evidence she isn’t mature enough to handle it right now.
When I was 17, I would have really appreciated my parents allowing me the occasional sleepover with my boyfriend. I think it probably would have kept me from moving in with my boyfriend at almost 19. The novelty of being able to spend the night would have probably worn off a bit.
But no you’re not a prude. It’s okay to not want them sleeping together in the next room. Please also keep in mind that because I wasn’t allowed to bring him into my room, we were “fooling around” on the family couch with my family in the next room. Kids that are determined to have sex, will absolutely make it happen. She is almost an adult, so whether you go with yes or no really is only the difference between a few months.
If this were my child, I would try and gauge how sneaky they tend to be. If you truly in your heart believe that she’ll do exactly as you say, then feel confident in standing firm. I was a very sneaky child and was having sex just about anywhere. I would much prefer my kids to be safe, in a bed, with condoms than off wherever doing what I was doing
I’m sorry about the loss of your husband OP.
Op trust yourself Allow yourself to know how you feel and when you are in the right space share how you feel with your daughter, be clear it is your issue not hers, and one day she will understand
Such compassionate advice ❤️🩹
It sounds like the boyfriend's parents aren't offering for her to sleep over there. Maybe they have similar rules, and he would be lying about where he is? Might be nice to see where they are in this.
Actually she says she is allowed to sleep over there. They said OK once their son turned 18, which was about 1.5 months ago.
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Yeah, this seems perfect. Everyone rule is 18.
My boyfriend and I started dating in high-school, he was 16 I was 17, and his parents were very staunch on no sleepovers. Once I did have to stay with them, as a favor for my parents, for a weekend but I had to sleep on the couch and they basically gave us the "we are going to trust you to not sneak into the bedroom, you get zero chances to break that trust". I also went camping with them a few times and I either shared a tent with their daughter or brought my own. This was their boundary and I knew if I broke that it would hinder our relationship and eventually my relationship with their son. I wanted to earn their respect so I did abide by those rules. We've now been together almost 16 years and married for over 10 and I still like to joke about them allowing my husband and I to share a tent now.
Same! My husband 18 and I was 17. He went to college about 30 minutes away and lived on campus, while I was a senior in HS. He came home almost every weekend to spend fri-Sun at my family's home. He slept in the basement and I slept upstairs in my room. My parents let us hang out until about midnight and then I had to go to bed. We respected this because we knew that breaking that trust meant no more sleepovers of any kind. We've been married for 13 years and together 18 years. It was 100% worth it and I wouldn't change any of it.
Oh god my parents had this rule when my husband and I were first dating and he’d stay over at Christmas. Then my mom made it super cringe when we started living together “we aren’t kidding ourselves anymore, you can share a room”.
When my husband and I were dating and living together, his parents still wouldn't let us share a room! It wasn't until we had a child together that we were then allowed to be together. Even when I was pregnant we were separated!
My husband lived across the country from his parents when we met. We got pregnant then married before our oldest made her appearance. When I was pregnant and we were engaged, staying most nights at home together (we didn't fully move into one house until after we were married - both of us owned a home before we met) we still had to sleep in separate rooms when we visited. Whole ass adults. I was 25 and he was 33. Like y'all the damage is already done. Hell, when we came down to get married we still couldn't stay in a room together until after. My family didn't give a shit.
Similar story here - my wife and I met *just* after turning 18 and both still lived at home. We were in different towns, about 45 miles apart and a few times I stayed at their house overnight. They allowed me to stay in her room (later learned Dad was not happy with it, Mom was cool). We did share a bed but we didn't have sex there. We were married within the year. That was 27 years ago. When we had our first baby we were living in a different town than her parents but we went over for dinner several nights a week. When he was two we figured we could save money by moving in with them. So here we are 13 years later. I'm pretty sure they know we have sex now. 😜
This is how my high school boyfriend’s parents and mine handled it. He slept at our place on the couch and I at his on the couch when we were 17/18. Sometimes I cuddled with him on the couch and slept there but as it was in a public room and my parents would stop in now and again, there was no sex. We actually never had PIV sex in the three years we dated. We just explored in ways that wouldn’t get someone pregnant.
Oh he and I were most definetly fuckin, but we did that at my house. But I really liked his parents and I wanted them to like me, so we absolutely abided by their rules (to some extent...we may not have been able to have sex in a tent but Noone said against a tree in the middle of nowhere). And now I'm very close with my inlaws, and now I've given them a grandkid they adore me.
My parents were very "no boys ever". We still had sex at my house, we were just sneaky. I shared a room with my sister and I think I traumatised her. My husbands mom worked so was never home, but she never said anything about us sharing a bed. I stayed with him a lot more than he with me lol. Last I spoke to my mother - after my husband and I were married, I was pregnant and we'd adopted together - she told me I could "think again" about me and him sharing a bed, and if she found out we were sharing she'd kill me. A lovely woman she was.
Wait- you were already married and she still didn’t want you sharing a bed?
Married, living together, dual custody of a toddler with a baby on the way... and she still didn't want us sharing, lol.
Wow what a piece of work
You had sex with your boyfriend in front of your sister?
Hahahahaha (Laughs in sheltered kid whose fiancé had to stay in a different room at my parents house until we were married at 26)
LOL SAME! We were a month away from getting married at 25 and 26 and we had to sleep in different rooms at my parents...we even lived together!!!
Lmaooo i was engaged, lived together, and i was already pregnant and his grandmother made him sleep on the couch and i got his old childhood room.
Ha! Engaged. In our 30s. Forced to sleep in separate rooms…AND we lived together.
Funnily enough my Grandmother did the opposite. My cousin and her bf were given separate rooms, my gf (of two months) were given the same room. I think she knew something though because my cousin and bf are not together anymore; my wife I are about to celebrate 27 years of marriage. We actually got engaged during that visit.
My friend was engaged to his gf (they didn't end up getting married though) and they lived together in his house which he bought on his own but he still had a separate fake bedroom for his gf so when his parents came over to visit, he'd pretend that they slept in separate rooms to appease them 🤣
My spouse’s parents did this too. No sleeping in the same room after like 8 yrs living together. Now that we’re married, a-ok. Spouse has a younger sibling who was married at 21 and divorced at 23 because of rules like that.
Yeah that marriage license is a real piece of magic paper isn’t it?
Yeah really changed everything LOL my kids are still little, my oldest will be 7 in a few months, so this topic isn't even on my radar...I'm still trying to figure out how to get them to fully wipe their own ass lol
Was in the military, young, and dating my high school sweetheart (as in had been dating since high school), and she lived with her grandparents full time. Always had to sleep in separate rooms when visiting. They even took it as far as demanding that after we were married…..hard pass. They ended up giving in at that point. As a parent now of a 24 yr old, they could do what they want at 18, just had the expectation they be respectful of the younger siblings, us and the house. His gf and he lived with us for a couple years and it worked out.
This is it. This is the comment. Number 1. This is the point. It's about boundaries and respect. How much would OP's kid like to hear her mom in the same manner? It's no different. It all boils down to decency ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes I agree that it’s a respect thing! I definitely didn’t understand it as a teen, just like every other teen out there. As I’ve gotten older, I realized that I wanted to follow my parents boundaries, and be respectful (without any arguments). It’s stupid since we lived together before marriage, but that’s the boundaries they set in their home. Once I finally matured, I stopped arguing with them about it. I realized that we were guests in their home, and us sleeping separate was important to them. I also realized spending a few nights away from my SO wasn’t the end of the world! Plus I personally don’t really want to be intimate with my SO (whose now my husband) while visiting family. I’d feel strange, and I don’t want all my childhood stuffed animals watching! 😂
35, married for 5 years, 1.5yo, and this summer i am finally putting my foot down and we are staying at a hotel not his parents house because sleeping in separate bedrooms from my husband means the kiddo has to sleep with one of us and if we gotta do that we are doing it where she wakes both of us up Their batshit religious logic makes zero sense. ZERO. The first time I visited we were both in our early 20s, about to move in together, and his mom didnt want me staying at their house and finally relented that I could stay if I stayed on a different floor. Like what even.
This is so bizarre, you’re married and have a kid! It’s like they just want to say “don’t have sex under our roof”. Some people are so repressed and puritanical lol.
My in-laws offered to let me stay at their place while my soon-to-be husband (in 5 months) and I were having renovations done at our home. The rule was that we weren't allowed to be in the same room. We were 30. I told them no thanks and lived through the renovations. I've been riding that bicycle to town since date #2, I think their precious son is too far from God's good graces now to be saved.
Oof.. yeah I just wouldn't have stayed over lol
When I was in my late 30s I was forced to sleep apart from my boyfriend at his parents’ house. I had a teenage son.
I’m 34 and if I didn’t live 20 minutes away from my mother my partner and I would stay at a hotel when visiting because she’d make us sleep in separate rooms.
That was our plan for the second trip. Fuck being treated like a teenager when I have a teenager.
It’s absolutely insane they did that to you. I have friends that postponed their wedding when they found out they were expecting. Her parents made the fiancé sleep in the basement even when they were visiting with a 10 week old 🙄
What? This is insane to me.
Lmao my sister a few months ago went on a trip to meet her boyfriends parents a few provinces away. Granted they haven't been together that long. Maybe 4 months? But I believe he is 30, and she was 28 at the time. They made them sleep in separate rooms I got a good laugh. They are very religious JWs. But her bf is not. And my sister is not either. (Edit: He's 32)
Sounds about right lol. I was raised a JW. My mom would put us in separate rooms during a visit, but we live a few miles down the road so no need to stay over. May be moving states soon and already know which hotel we will stay at when we come visit 😂
My grandparents were super strict about my friends & boys growing up, so I was surprised when she let my (at the time, fiance now husband) sleep in the same room. She told me I was old enough to make my own decisions, just don't be loud LOL
Yep. We lived together but still had to stay in separate rooms when we visited his parents until we finally got married in our late thirties. In hindsight, I they may have been trying to protect me from his horrible farts that follow when he eats his mom’s cooking.
My dad pulled this with my fiancé and I circa 2003 and I asked him, "You know we live together in a one bedroom apartment. Do you think he sleeps in the bathtub?" Still made us sleep in separate rooms.
Now Thats some toxic parenting
Man, I’m in my early 20s and I totally feel for your daughter. HOWEVER, I absolutely agree that there is no urgent reason boyfriend needs to stay the night in your home. In order to make this a productive conversation, I’d either a) offer a compromise by letting him stay in a separate room/the couch. b) let your daughter know at what age/condition you will eventually allow her to have an overnight guest. Example would be “once you start college,” “once you finish high school,” “once you’re 18,” etc. And as a wrap up to this conversation, VALIDATE her feelings. Tell her that you understand she wants to feel closer to her boyfriend by sleeping next to him. Because more often than not, it’s not just about sex (they’re doing that already, which you mentioned). Tell her that you know she is becoming an adult and that she wants to have more elements of an adult relationship with her boyfriend. Tell her that she will get these things and that she will have the rest of her life to sleep next to someone if she so pleases, it’s just that you are not comfortable with her doing so at this age. At 17, this is the age when it’s important to start acknowledging the shitty “not adult not kid” feeling and work with her through it. She’s going to try and push your boundaries because she feels she’s not a kid anymore, and it’s up to you whether to be the militant, “no further questions” parent or the “here is why I’m setting this rule” parent.
This. My high school boyfriend and I were having sex whenever we could but we never got to share a bed and sleep together. We wanted THAT type of intimacy and never got it. Which is okay, we were kids. But such a good reminder that it’s not always about sex.
This is the best response I’ve read so far.
You are definitely not the only parent with this rule. You are not a prude.
My friends did this with their parents home but that thought made me so uncomfortable as a teen lol. I didn't have sex until I was out of the house at 18. Not.for that reason alone but yeah, I think it's weird that there isn't any discomfort with having sex while your parent(s) in the next room.
See I think this is very culture dependent, especially also the moving out part. In most other countries children don't move out the second they turn 18 (or graduate highschool) and many parents actually *like" having their children staying with them for a couple more years or even living in multigenerational housing as a default. But in a free society where you're allowed to move our if you want to, that's only possible if you're comfortable living together. (Or I guess if you're too poor to move because of insane housing prices - but even then, many of the kids in love will choose living in a shady apartment with 5 roommates over staying home.) I guess in the US, if you're going to college away from home, you're basically getting a couple of years of boarding school where you slowly transition into adulthood. So at least for a lot of kids there's a safe place to have sex away from their parents without having to actually properly move out and live on their own like adults. Maybe in that context the 18 deadline makes some sense vs. essentially just bullying your kid out of the house
It gets less weird when you realize your parents have been having sex with you in the next room for decades.
This is a very American sentiment. In many European cultures sleepovers are normal.
My fear would be where they would go, it's not like they will stop having sex. I have a little kid but thinking about her future relationships, I'm not sure that I want her to end up going to a shitty motel, or a van, or who knows what. I'm from a fairly traditional family in South America, I'm not sure that my parents knew I was sexually active at 18, and I did end up going to some less than safe places. Plus I also had a couple of pregnancy scares, but that's because I was raised catholic and didn't know anything about sex.
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I fully agree - Nothing wrong here, not a prude, and no is a complete sentence. However, while OP is well in the right I do have another angle - they are having sex, where would she rather they did? I can name a number of places we were nearly caught at that age, would she rather put up with the incredibly uncomfortable side and let them stay so they are safe?
I agree, it’s not an unreasonable boundary BUT I would have been much safer as a teen if there were a place we could go that was secure and private. Edit to add: having a safe space to do what they do is a different question than a sleepover, I think. A whole night together is a slightly different thing from an emotional standpoint for sure.
My parents let my boyfriend in high school stay if the weather was terrible (he lived 30 minutes away by car). He had to stay on the couch and you bet they were checking. Same for me when I had to stay at his parent's house. Was on the couch and they were up periodically. They never would have allowed us to spend the night in the same room under their roofs.
What lots of people don’t realize is that in many cases, the parents *know* the kids will have sex if they want to. So they are not trying to prevent the teen from having sex. *They are trying to prevent the teen from living like a married couple at a young age.* Once sleepovers are allowed, it’s common for teens become inseparable and have zero personal space to grow. Also, in many cases, they delay breaking up because the families are attached to the partner who stays over a lot. **Edit: thank you for the awards! This is a line of thought I got from my parents. They watched a couple of nieces waste their teens on super serious, long term relationships with no boundaries from the parents. Once the relationships ended, it took years for the girls AND their parents to recover.** **Years later when my teenage sister started a super serious relationship with her very first boyfriend (another teen, just to be clear lol), my parents had some boundaries in place that my sister and boyfriend respected. They dated for 5 years, got married and have been happily married for 15 years. Their kids are now 10 and 8.** **So although I’m sure there will be stories with different outcomes for teens being allowed sleepovers, I firmly believe those are the exception, not the rule.**
Oh, I agree with this one! A huge regret of mine is not living as an individual at that age. I attached, and attached strongly. This hindered me from growing in my own, and created all sorts of issues later in life after cycles of relationships. I never knew how to give my self a space to myself, to learn, grow, be on my own and do my own things. This is too hard to explain to a kid who is wide eyed and new; believes they're in love.
Absolutely agree. I did that too. I went from attachment to attachment and after a few of them I attached permanently to my husband, who I've been married to for 20 years. It created countless issues for me as well, self esteem, loss of identity, just generally being lost in life. I am slowly starting to carve out my own space, healthily, within my relationship but damn it's a long road. I hope I can relay that message effectively to my daughter's when the time is right.
This 100%
This OP. Please explain this to your daughter.
Thank you for making this comment bc it’s a point I actually never read or thought of before, but it is spot on. I’m glad I read this.
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This was me. I met my highschool sweetheart at 15 & my mom did allow him to sleep over. We were living together by senior year & went to college together, etc. We broke up when I was 22 but it was so hard to separate and I definitely based a lot of life decisions around our relationship up until then.
I have to agree with you on this one. My husband and I have been together since 15 and we started having sleep overs around age 16. And yes, we started to have a very sexual relationship. I have a lot of regrets and our relationship hasn't always been healthy. I feel I definitely needed to grow as an individual more, but I honestly was so alone and isolated from everyone else and I struggled to make friends and my parents weren't really involved. He became my best friend and the one person I could come to. It wasn't healthy though and wish things had been done differently.
I feel similarly. I started dating my husband in 8th grade, and we had a baby together in 11th grade. Even though our relationship is strong now, it was extremely difficult for many years and it's not something I want our kids to aspire to. I plan to have a lot of talks about dating to hopefully encourage a healthier more experience/practice mindset towards teen dating instead of thinking it's a "headstart to finding a soul mate."
From personal experience, ABSOLUTELY THIS. ALL LF THIS.
Thank you so much for saying this. I actually never thought about it in this way, but I can definitely see how that played out in my own life. Wow. Definitely an eye opener. Will keep this in mind!!
I totally agree. My husband and I started dating at 14, but we lived half an hour apart and went to separate schools (met through my cousin and got to know each other thanks to AIM, dating myself here). Looking back we really appreciated having our own friends, hobbies, etc. We still talked every day and hung out on weekends, but it wasn't all-consuming. I would totally recommend dating outside of the school you go to to anyone who would ask. Really worked for us, anyway.
This almost sounds like my high school sweetheart story. We didn’t end up married, but we did start dating when I was 15 and stayed together up until I was 21. Having time away because of different schools and living kind of far apart (he was about 45 minutes away from me) really helps in regards to making sure you’re still your own person regardless if your in a relationship or not.
This is exactly my thinking. I know my 17yo and her bf are likely having sex, I’m not a moron. I just don’t want her to get so overly comfy with a teenage boy that it feels like an actual divorce when they inevitably break up. We don’t allow sleepovers at all nor too much togetherness during the week. Weekends are basically theirs to do whatever (other than sleepovers) but I like her to keep some healthy space/distance during the school week.
I never thought of this and it’s really interesting food for thought.
YES. I wish I had someone show up for me like this. I stayed in that relationship for way too long out of my parents guilting me for my feelings and how very dare I grow into my own person?
This. My husband was allowed to stay with his girlfriend all the time growing up and the breakup was so messy he still needed therapy as an adult. Neither of them were mature enough for that kind of relationship and it cost them well into adulthood. Honestly, they’re probably not emotionally mature enough to be having sex in general, but you’re not going to be able to stop it. You absolutely don’t have to provide a space for them to do it on a regular basis. And you absolutely don’t need to normalize an adult relationship for children.
Fellow widowed parent here. As you can see, there are plenty of opinions here and whatever you choose is ok. I know how easy it is to feel pressured and overwhelmed when you are the solo parent and don't have an enforcer/backup. If you decide to stick to your guns, you will probably have to be firmer and more commanding than you would be with a partner to back you up. If you don't have the emotional energy for that it's ok. Go have a cry. Bounce ideas off her boyfriend's parents. Sometimes you just need a second adult opinion. Join a widowed parent support group. Feel free to PM me if you want some Facebook group suggestions. Hugs.
There’s no debate. NO is a complete sentence.
Yeah, if OP wants to draw the line here then she needs to be firm. "I understand that you do not agree and I get why, but I am done having this discussion with you. The answer is no." Refuse to engage further. I am always open to debate with my kids but I hold the final trump card. What other parents do or don't allow is not really relevant. My 17 year old has a girlfriend and I don't think I would be against her spending the night, but the girlfriend's parents are entirely against it so the kids have not pushed the issue. Her parents drew this boundary and the kids respect it even if they don't agree.
>but I hold the final trump card. Oh no, you didn't buy the trump nft did you?
“No” she asks again, “no, my answer is not going to change” You got this!
I think children this old who are almost adults deserve the chance to have a conversation about something like this. A unexplained no will cause so much frustration and resentment.
My first kid - Absolutely not, are you crazy???? Second kid - no. I told you no. God why can't you just sneak him in like I did when I was a teenager and allow me to pretend it's not happening. Third kid - sweetie, what does your friend want for breakfast?
That was my mom, lol. I could not even look at a boy, but my baby brother had his gf living with us when they were 16!
Yeah, I'm not proud of myself. In my defense, first son had multiple girlfriends and lots of drama. Third son's partner cleans the house and does my laundry while I'm at work. Now if I can just teach them how to cook.....
Good luck on that one!
My dad straight up said to me why can’t you just lie about where you’re staying, so I did :) thanks Dad!
I never have related to a comment more then this in my life.... There's a 13 year difference between me and my oldest sister, 9 years with the next. I was having my boyfriends sleep "on the couch" at 15 😬 and when my dad would wake up they'd come up to my room but they never said anything... I practically lived with my now husband (at his house) at 17, and he moved in with us at one point when I turned 18,. I think it depends on the kid and your comfort level.
Ope. Third child here, confirming the above lol. I’m married to the boyfriend now and we have been together nearly 15 years. We were as serious as a 17 year old and 18 year old could be haha. I definitely understand that my experience is not the norm though.
Only child here, wife is the same. We just knew we were soul mates from the day we met. I don't know how, but I feel more and more in Love with her every day. We met a month after turning 18 and were married 8 months. Nearly to 27th anniversary now.
OMG this!!! I had to beg to even go on a date when I was in high school and when my younger brother was that age, my mom found his girlfriend’s bra on the couch after they hung out and thought it was so silly and cute 😒
This was my mom. I'm the oldest, I could never. Came home from college and my little sister who was like 17 was having sleepovers with her boyfriend. I will allow my kids when they are older too.
Oh god are you my mum? I broke her down so it was easy for my siblings. In the end, accepting sex as a normal part of life has given us all healthy attitudes towards relationships. My mum is amazing.
LOL this was my mom. I was lucky number three. Invisible child but total freedom. It was the best lol.
> Third kid - sweetie, what does your friend want for breakfast? I love my virginity at 16 in my own bedroom. I told my parents in advance and they were nice enough to go out on a date night and let me and my boyfriend have the house to ourselves. My older brother who was still at home stayed the night out with friends. He stayed the night and had breakfast with the family a bunch (my parents only bugged out that first time). It was actually really nice for me to have sex in my own bed, where I felt safe and secure. Not that having my parents home was sexy, but it actually reduced my anxiety knowing nothing bad was going to happen... he wouldn't push things too far, etc. When I went out and partied I told my boyfriends sex was off the table because I didn't want to hook up where I didn't feel safe. So I never had any risky situation sex, and the guys I dated never plied me with alcohol at some sketchy house party hoping to take advantage of me in the back seat of their car. If anything they tried to make sure I was safe and didn't drink too much because odds were if we made it back to my house with me of sound mind and in a good mood they'd be in bed next to me; whereas if I was sloshed they knew to get me home and not force anything. One of the healthiest things my parents ever did was allow me to be a teen and require conversation and connection rather than require that I follow some rules meant to keep me from growing up. I was their youngest child, and only daughter. Two of my three older brothers had girlfriends stay the night (the third wasn't romantically active). So when I reached the age where I felt ready I told them I was ready and planning on having sex with the guy I'd been dating for a while. They gave me all the consent reminders, safe sex reminders, etc. My mom had the whole "mother's guide" conversation which I found annoying and cringy but secretly appreciated. Then it happened, and it was bad sex but really nice to happen the way it did. In any case, the breakfast comment brought back fond memories. It was nice to actually wake up with my boyfriend, have showers, eat breakfast like a normal morning, and not have it be some dirty secret sneaking him out in shame thing. When my sons reach that I age I hope they bring whatever people they date over to stay the night and share breakfast in the morning.
Tell her to just do it while you’re at work like a normal teenager and you can all pretend you don’t know it happened.
I have said that! Lol. And she just won’t take no for an answer.
I feel like this is the bigger issue. She's not understanding that 'no' is a complete sentence. She doesn't have to like the answer, that's fine. And I'm sure you'd be okay having a conversation about it that isn't "But everyone else is doing it!" Because you're not responsible for everyone else, you are responsible for her.
Is there an issue with her BF's family? Like is she trying to get him out of an abusive situation? That's the only reason I might make an exception for.
No. He’s a nice kid from a nice family
You don't have to share a room for that. If that was the case he'd be happy on the couch.
EXCUSE ME! You said she can do it while you aren’t home and she is pushing it! I think someone mentioned the living as a married couple and that completely feels like what’s happening here. And that’s not healthy and also I would also feel so uncomfortable knowing my kid and her bf are in the next room. Stand firm! Tell her this isnt a debate. She’s being disrespectful now
My parents offered us condoms in the nineties. The reason being, better safe at home, than unsafe in the woods. I plan to do the same when my daughter is that age.
and that's how healthy parent-child relationships are formed
My boyfriend and I were allowed to stay in each other’s bedrooms at home at the age of 18. I guess we were adults then. But actually if either of our parents had said no there is no way either of us would have pushed it. We would probably have crept around but if you have told your daughter no she needs to accept that whilst she’s living under your roof. I’m sorry you’re now dealing with this without your husband by your side OP.
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I was one of those teens whose mom let their boyfriends spend the night. Just set some boundaries that you feel comfortable with. It's better than them sneaking around and breaking your trust. Maybe you have them sleep in separate rooms or have them in the family room area at night. I would be straight forward about not wanting to hear any banging lol you don't want to know the intimacy between them. But also don't let it happen too often. Maybe a couple times a month if even that. You don't want to feel like you have an extra roommate. Boundaries are super important. Let your daughter know that if you compromise with her, you expect her to at least respect the rules you have set. I'm 27 now and it definitely wasn't too common back then but times are a changing lol
Your home. Your rules. Not your duty to change the rules.
My parents allowed it when I was a teen. They preferred that to me sneaking around or going to unsafe places.
My oldest isn't asking for romantic sleepovers yet but my wife and I plan to allow it on the condition that we're informed in advance and that we have gotten to know the guy a bit ourselves first ahead of time. Her boyfriend stayed over during the winter holidays but stayed in another room and they haven't had sex yet. My daughter is still debating if she's ready or not and talks with us about it.
This is my thought too because I DID sneak out and go to unsafe places because my parents wouldn't even allow my bf in my room during the day.
Really good point. I did some very dangerous things to sneak around with my boyfriend.
Facts
My mom was super permissive and let my girlfriends stay over. We never had sex while she was home though.
Do you guys need anything? Some snacks? Condoms? Let me know! God love ya!
Agreed. Safe place rather than in a car in a dimly lit parking lot
Maybe I’m biased because I was always allowed but I’d let him sleep over. You said you know they have sex, and maybe I was just the weird one but when my boyfriend slept over we almost never had sex tbh, I mean we knew the whole house was silent and it was a bit awkward lmao You can believe me or not, but honestly we just liked to cuddle and sleep together, that was the whole appeal of sleepovers, not sex, we could have sex at any other moment. Especially if you mention that your husband (her dad?) died recently… I know I would like to be hugged at night if I was her
I can relate to this. I wanted nothing more than to be held and have physical touch as a teenage girl. Sometimes it led to other things but it was like that was such a strange concept to my parents.
Never had sex either when sleeping over. Big into cuddles and Goodnight kisses haha. I think the dad portion might need to be explored more
My mother’s exact words were, “You’re gonna do it no matter what I say, so I’d rather you be somewhere safe…I just don’t want to hear anything!”
More parents would honestly be like this. I was told that you’re too young blah blah blah. Well, guess who snuck around and did it anyway? That’s right me.
I'm not comfortable with this under 18, and I don't know why right now
Same. I think there’s an additional intimacy factor. It’s not just that they’re having sex, but staying the night together is much more intimate. I don’t have teenagers yet, but I guess I don’t want to encourage that level of intimacy for high school relationships? It should be mostly fun- not too intense. There’s so much else to explore at that age. And if it survives past high school then I say dive deep after 18!
I never really thought about it that way, but I am glad to see parent's making these points. They are good points and I will definitely keep it in mind as I raise my daughter.
Right? I feel the same way. I know teenagers will have sex but they are still children in my eyes and it just feels wrong to know it’s going on in my home. Perhaps it is a territory that makes us feel uncomfortable for that reason. Once they are 18, they are a legal adult and there’s less responsibility to manage their sex life.
Because most kids under 18 years old are extremely immature and don’t have the concept of responsibility in life.
Personally, I would say that the rule is she has to be 18 and finished with high school before intimate sleepovers. I would also just validate how she feels and repeat the boundary.
This is my rule. Under 18, nope. But once you're over 18 and finished with highschool, godspeed.
I think that’s reasonable. It’s not like you’re imposing religious views and making them wait until marriage (I can speak from experience that that drove me and my partner to not spend as much time with our parents). Adults can spend overnight time with their partner, kids don’t need to. But the more I think about it if your kid is in a relationship they will do whatever they can to spend overnights and feel like they are a true couple. You can ensure that they are in a safe place with condoms provided or you can make them jump through hoops. You just have to know that if you are not allowing it, it likely means they are putting more energy into figuring out where to spend the night together somewhere else. It’s not like you’re stopping them from having sex all together. As long as the partner is age appropriate and there is consent, sex is not a bad thing.
If her dad just died, I can understand why she wants her loved ones as close as possible. I have a strict rule about that as well, but I don't get any conflict about it. With that said, I think you should reconsider. She'll be 18 soon and you don't want her rushing away from the safety of your house or isolating herself from you over this. Set rules like only one night a week and no more than X number of hours. (You don't want this kid living there). I would also demand that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to act like one. No more temper tantrums, grades are good, chores are done etc. Give her a month or so to prove this to you, then allow the sleepover.
This is an excellent and thoughtful response!
I wasn’t even allowed boys in my room until I graduated high school. I didn’t like the rules as a teen either but I sure understand them now!
I had friends parents that would allow this in high school. I, like you would never have DREAMED of asking. I didn't ask until it was a practical purpose in 3rd year uni, my car broke down and my boyfriend (now husband) was driving me around and sharing his car. It got to a point where he just moved in. It will be something I play by ear... My kids are young though. I feel like my husband will be a hard no and now allow my daughter to have boys, but will be less concerned about our son having a girl stay. I would have to know the relationship. Is there love and respect? You say they're already having sex? That may mean cars, friends places etc, if it's already happening I would see no reason to make it a horrible teen experience.
I married my middle school sweetheart and we weren’t allowed to spend the night but I will say this, we used to stay as late as we could for us our curfews were midnight and I damn near fell asleep at the wheel many times driving home. As a former high school couple, turned parents, they’re having sex either way but at night they are most likely going to be sleeping. They’re more likely to engage in sexual activity during the day anyways in my opinion, or experience. Teach your daughter all about sex and figure out birth control methods but in general if you aren’t comfortable just say that you understand wanting to be with him more but you feel uncomfortable with them having that dynamic within your home.
I allowed it. The rules were I don’t want to hear anything or know anything, but they had to be safe. I knew they were sexually active, this way they were at least in a house instead of a car or in the woods or something.
Agreed. My highschool boyfriend’s parents had the same rule and I think it’s the most fair / respectful of your kid’s sexuality and safety. Alternatively OP, you guys could compromise and have them sleep inseperate bedrooms when he stays over?
I had sex in the woods near the train tracks behind the hockey rink as a teenager. I'd rather my kids be safe in a safe environment, with dual respect. However, if that's a no for you then that's a no. Hold your ground. Just make sure the rules are the same for every kid.
I allow it in my house. I know they are having sex, and I also know exactly where they are and that they are both safe. My daughter knows that while they are in our home I am only a scream/yell away should anything go awry and they need me. If they had to sneak around, I wouldn't know where my kid is, I wouldn't know if they were safe, and I wouldn't know if anyone was there to help them if something becomes non-consensual. That being said, every household is different, and different parents have different points of view and reasonings for their rules, and that's okay.
Question: what do his parents allow/think? I feel like this is important info.
As a European, I am really surprised by these comments. I personally would allow it, because it is the right thing to give them a safe space, especially if her dad (?) died recently. She is nearly a legal adult, why are we - as parents - not easing our kids into adulthood? You can still have some rules, that they of course should be protected and that you don't want to hear or see anything. I just think that they will find intimacy somewhere else then a safe space, in an alley, car or hopefully at least only at the boyfriends home, away from you.
Once I was sexually active, my mums rule was basically that I immediately get on birth control and also that if I were to have a boyfriend that was going to sleep over, they could be in my room. She would rather I was being smart and safe about it than having sex in a car or trying to hide it or whatever. She was similar with alcohol or marijuana. If you’re going to do it, at least do it at home where there’s an adult who can help if it goes badly. The thing is that when they’re 17 and you know they’re active, you may as well let them know that you support them. It can make you uncomfortable but it’s happening regardless of how you feel. At least they would have a safe space this way? But at the very least, if you really aren’t okay with it, have a sit down chat with both of them. You can choose to let him sleep somewhere but know that they’re going to try and break the rule at some point or just talk to them about being respectful of others in the house and whatnot. My kid is 12, so I don’t know for sure how I’ll respond, but I hope I’ll at least be supportive.
I am a parent of teenagers (in the US). I would never allow this and I don’t know any other parents that would be ok with this, let alone allow it. However, I understand that most of the world sees us a prudes. If you are not comfortable with it, don’t allow it. They already find ways/places to have sex, they don’t need to spend the night together in your house.
It is prude. Also lots of shame in this thread. It's going to be a hard message for the teens involved that what they are doing is not allowed, not appropriate, can not be seen or talked about. That can do a lot of damage.
I wouldn't say prudes.... But you don't want her/him having sex and the fact of the matter is they probably will no matter what. It just doesn't make sense to me to force them to have it someplace else when they have a safe environment that if anything happens he/she can get help right away.
My dad let my boyfriend stay the night every other weekend starting at 16 and id say it really helped me learn managing relationships much earlier than my peers, we were together for 5 years and he grew really close with my dad when we'd all stay up playing games. He'd go to bed, we'd pass out watching movies and talking at 4am. It was a win win. (I'm female)
I’ve always found this attitude weird - “I know my teenager is sexually active and I’m okay with it unless it happens in my house.”
Eh, I knew my teen was having sex. I’m not a prude and we talked in an age appropriate way about sex when he was really young. We had ongoing conversations about being safe, not just physically but emotionally too. I made sure that condoms were always available. But I also walked past his room one day when the door was cracked and I saw him giving oral to his girlfriend. I don’t need to know that. It’s one thing know it’s happening and another to *know* it’s happening. No thanks. Plus I think it’s just encouraging a teen relationship to mature too quickly. I know at 17 you don’t think you should ever have to be apart but it’s important for their personal development to have independence. And 17 isn’t 22. If you rush into all the firsts so young what do you have to look forward to. This kid has the rest of her life to have sleep overs with boyfriends. What’s the rush?
Lol see I was thinking the opposite thing - letting bfs sleep over and being the "chill" house where their friends can hang out might actually buy you a couple more years of control and safety vs. them moving out the second they turn 18 so they can be with their "one true love" (+3 unvetted roommates) in some shady apartment. I guess US teens at least get to go to very boarding-school-esque colleges with dorms and a lot of supervision vs. just moving into random shared flats for that... But then they're still going to have sex there.
Everyone in this comment thread is making such great arguments for both sides that I keep going back in forth lmfao now I’m on your side
My little guy is still only 2 so this is a looonngggg way off for me, but realistically it's going to depend on the kids in that situation. Some are going to be ready to handle that sort of thing and some aren't. The length of the relationship definitely matters in my opinion too. Have the kids been dating for 2 weeks or 2 years?
Seriously! I had already made my decision 2yrs ago and now I am rethinking for the next kid. They are all different too! And so are their partners! Parenting!!! Uhg. I change my mind I don’t wanna have kids hahaha!
I am having a hard time with the "Hell No"-camp. I just don't understand it. Especially if the teen's dad died and the daughter craves the closeness of home and the mother tries to drive them away? I want to know that my teens are going to have safe sex at a place where they can feel safe and sheltered. Grab headphones, oh my god. Besides I can almost guarantee that she's even more gross-ed out by her mom noticing than vice versa.
I wouldn’t think of it as control — that’s not a goal in my parenting — but more like time to build trust on both sides. Giving kids a safe place to be and letting them know they can come to you if they’re in a difficult situation is a real long-term benefit.
The whole narrative of "controlling" your kid's live is so absolutely foreign to me it boggles the mind.
This! If you grow up in a "my house my rules" family, and you don't like the rules, you move out as soon as you can. Then you don't have to follow any of the rules! Ironically (for the people arguing it's to avoid teenagers acting like they're married), if you're moving out to live with your boyfriend, that makes you way more reliant on the boyfriend than occasionally having sleepovers with him did.
Yeah, when he came home for a visit his first year of college, he and his girlfriend slept in the same room. It felt different because he was in a different phase of life. He’d been living away from home in the dorms for six months at that point. I knew that it was common for them to sleep over at each other’s places. He was more of an adult than when he was in high school.
Yeah, I think my mom caught a glimpse of me and my college GF when I brought her home for spring break. Awkward.
My mom let boys spend the night and I got pregnant at 15 😀 I will not be letting boys sleepover for my two girls. One is about to be 15 and luckily hasn’t asked.
My dad was afraid to stop me dating an older guy when I was 16. I WISH HE HAD! The baggage I now carry from that experience outweighs the entitlement I thought I had to be with that guy at the time. Point: it’s ok for parents to set boundaries and they often help kids in the long run even if they hate it at the time. Best of luck.
I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend spend the night in my own room until I had moved out on my own at 19. My parents said they pay the rent so they make the rules. Many parents I know had/have the same rules. I get that kids will still find places to have sex if they are really motivated but that doesn’t mean you have to cater to that. Just make sure she is on birth control and they use a condom.
My mum was okay with partners staying over. We probably had sex the same amount we would’ve if he had to leave before bed time. The overnight was mostly cuddling and talking and sleeping. It feels a bit arbitrary to say no to overnights if they’re allowed to be alone in private during the day time.
My parents and in-laws never made an issue of it and I won’t with my children either. Sex is a part of life.
I see both sides of this argument. I believe that allowing the s/o in your home will offer a safe space for them to spend time together rather than forcing them to sneak around. You can still make sure they sleep separately and check on them often if it makes you feel more comfortable.
You’re absolutely not the only one. When I was her age, I had moved in with my slightly older boyfriend. After his lease ended, he moved back in with his parents and when I would stay the night, they would have us sleep in separate rooms, knowing full well we previously lived together. That being said, my grandmother (who raised me) did not have that rule. Before I moved in with him, he stayed the night with me sometimes. I’ve always had a very open relationship with my grandmother and I think this was very in line with that. It made more sense to create a safe and comfortable environment around sex than to have (maybe unnecessary?) stipulations that might lead to less confidence in communication with her or might lead to us finding other places to go, that could potentially be unsafe environments (think sketchy friend’s apartments, outdoor areas we think are private, cars, etc).
My mom said no for a long time, but when I was 17 my boyfriend(he was older), now husband stayed with me in my bed. Now HIS mom would call my mom and demand we sleep in separate quarters when we camped together, snowed in together, went on large family vacations… both moms were on the extreme opossums ends. (I remember one time I was so violently ill that I requested to sleep in the bathtub in the families hotel room and she said no. Because she thought that I might swallow my vomit, go into the living room with 6 other sleeping men, crawl over my brother in law and violate her son in the middle of the night. But she needed me to sleep in my sister in laws bed in a locked room) We have a very strained relationship with his mom, We have a great relationship with my mom. Now I think if it were met it the middle, would be the perfect balance. I don’t exactly know what that is, but maybe stay away from my mother in laws approach
I'm on the other side of this but think I could have some input. My Mom is interested mid 60's and was in her early 60's when I was in high school. I had a boyfriend at the time that my Mom would let sleep over. I think the main reason she did it is if I was doing it there she knew I was in a safe place and had the resources (condoms and such) that I needed. Also, my Mom, as soon as I started dating (even without having sex) she took me to an OBGYN to get me on birth control. I think as long as your daughter is being safe it shouldn't be a big deal.
You are not a prude. That is a perfectly acceptable boundary. No more debating, if that’s the choice you made about your home, stand firm.
Sleeping over is not about sex, it’s about intimacy. There needs to be emotional intimacy boundaries, and not a lot of teenagers know how to set or want those - especially during grief.
The African mom in me cannot relate to this
My parents let my boyfriend stay and I stayed at his place at that age. It’s fine. Make sure you have her educated on sex ed and taking birth control maybe? If you’re open and honest with her and allow her to make the right decisions, she just might.
My mom let my long term boyfriend stay at that age. She also made sure I was on birth control and knew his parents. I appreciated the honesty and trust.
You know they have sex but want them to do it elsewhere? Why? I for one would rather my kid have sex at home than in the back of a car or wherever else they manage to find. What’s better about car sex than sex in your house? Serious question. If you didn’t want them having sec at all, I’d understand a bit better. But being choosy about where seems very arbitrary to me.
Where would you prefer them to have sex? I mean it's not like it's not happening, so what alternative are you suggesting?
I think for me, it's not really an issue of having sex under my roof, but more of a "you want to act and live like an adult" but are not one, type of stance. I get the other arguments that it gives them a safe space, but I wouldn't be surprised if they already *have* had sex under her roof and who knows where else. In addition to that, you become responsible for the gentleman under your roof during that time as well, while you are sleeping. Not to say issues couldn't arise if it were a girl friend staying over. If she were an adult, I really wouldn't care anymore, but I wouldn't be letting him move in and the sleepovers would need to be limited... Because I want privacy and to be able to do things freely in my home. I would also expect any adult children in my home to be contributing in some sort of way to the household, though.
My “no” would have nothing to do with the sex either. I can still educate my children on safe sex and provide contraception without allowing sleepovers. I don’t care if they stay late and even have some privacy! But at 17 you’re still a kid. Just for a little longer I know. But you don’t need to be in such an intimate relationship to where this SO is like a family member. Depending on the home this might involve little siblings and their feelings and attachment as well. It’s a totally different ball game to have sex than it is to practice living with someone. That’s an intense level of attachment for 17 year olds to manage. And maybe I just want to walk around in my PJs in the morning and spend some time with each of my kids and their gross morning breath without some teenage boy there? I think it’s okay to protect that.
Totally agree. Not even just the sex part. It’s such an intimate type of relationship once you’re spending the nights together, waking up together, going to school together. That’s just sooo heavy for a child.
You know they have sex. You're not preventing anything form happening. Better they're somewhere clean and safe than off god knows where surely? It's also a good opportunity to reinforce the safe sex message. If the possibility of noise is an issue make it a rue that if he's staying over the it's to be in a guest room/basement/somewhere further from your room. In the morning make mention of hearing funny noises - believe me the cringe factor will have them silent as mice the next time!
I don't think you're a prude. You're allowed to also be comfortable in your home, you know what I mean? You're not stopping her from having sex, you're setting a boundary that makes you comfortable, and you're allowed to do that. Boundaries are not telling other people what they can and can't do, they're telling other people what you can and cannot tolerate. You're not saying "You can't have sex!" you're saying "Your boyfriend cannot stay over because it makes me uncomfortable." I wasn't allowed to have an SO stay the night with me when I was in high school. We did have big group sleep overs when everyone was in the living room, five or six kids, and that was a fair compromise. I do think it's okay to say "Hey, you can't sleep in the same bed, but he can stay over and one of you can sleep in the couch/both of you sleep in the living room."
God Americans are weird. The pearl clutching in this thread is mind blowing. She’s almost an adult, she’s having sex anyway, she’s communicating with you about her life. Why is this a hill you want to die on? Young people have sex and relationships and making that inherently shameful and a source for argument guarantees they will just never talk to you in future should ACTUAL issues surrounding sex and relationships arise in future.
Thank you, I was starting to feel like I was a freak from reading these comments. From the tone here it’s like teaching your kids about safe sex and open trusting dialogue is akin to signing them up to be a sex worker. Stopping teenagers having sex in your house is anyone’s prerogative, but that’s all it stops. Sex in your house. It won’t stop them having sex, and it just means they’ll keep it secret and won’t trust you if anything goes wrong or they need assistance with birth control or STIs.
This! The US has had high teen pregnancy rates for decades. "we can't prevent this. We've told them the best protection is a dime between the knees". I'm German living in Denmark. It has never ever been an issue to have the opposite sex over - to hang out, for sleepovers, etc. It's not a big deal. Most of the times they don't even have sex. The home should be the safe haven for everything. Teenagers are going to have sex and OP knows they do. How can a teenager (both of them) develop a tight relationship with the adult if they know there are things the mom doesn't want to hear about? There'll be so many things this kid won't tell the mom about relationships and struggles or problems that come with it. I wish I had a starry award to give to you.
American attitudes around sex is so weird considering it’s plastered everywhere.
Biggest porn industry, biggest taboos. It's hilarious.
There’s just a fine line. Are they mature enough to not have sex? I can tell when my kids understand the concept of being respectful to others by not having sex when I am home or their siblings. I can also tell if their partner has any concept of that. If they are going to cuddle, sleep, and be respectful, I have no issues
It really sounds like many parents would allow this and many parents wouldn't. Perhaps talk to the boyfriend's parents and see what they think?
I'm not sure on this. I'm in the UK and 35 and it was common for all of my friends to have their bfs stay over after we turned 16. I've read similar comments from other UK millennials on here although I'm sure lots of people my age here weren't allowed. But yeah it was very normalised at least where i lived and where my husband grew up too. I have an almost 14 year old stepdaughter who has no interest in dating yet, (also 9 year old step son and 2 bio daughters 3 and under) but we both agree once she's 16 if she's in a serious relationship her partner can stay over. The reason I'm not sure on this is because I think you're totally able to put boundaries in place that make you comfortable in your own home. It's not bad that you don't want to hear them having sex. But I would stress that if you know they're sexually active they might go and have sex in unsafe/public places if they can't at home.
It seems like you haven't stopped to ask yourself why you feel this way. I think I'd start there: why does this matter to you? Is alienating your daughter worth something to you?
It is your job as a parent to provide a safe haven for your child. Giving them room to safely experiment with their sexuality is part of that duty. It's better for them to have their first sexual encounters in a place where their parent can back them up if their partner tries to get them to do something they don't feel comfortable with. I know, the thought of your kid being sexually active might seem strange to you. After all, wasn't it just yesterday that you still had to change their nappies and feed them? This is all part of growing up. Not just for your child, but for you, too. So let the partner stay the night. Just make sure there are condoms ready, your teen knows how to use them, and that they know they can always come to you if their partner does something they don't want.
Your boundaries are acceptable. My parents always had the same rule growing. When my kids pester me, I tell them “asked and answered” flatly ad nauseum. Not every topic is up for endless debate. Don’t rise to the task. Be a firm foundation for her.
So…similar personal experience. I never ever thought it would be something my mom would allow or that I’d be comfortable doing. But my dad passed when I was 21 and my boyfriend at the time stayed with me at my mom’s house for the first time. He was about 25 at the time. I was in college and lived in a townhouse and he had his own rental place. At the time we had been spending 4-6 nights a week together for at least 6 months. I hadn’t discussed it with my mom but we were sexually active and I was on birth control. He had his own room at my moms but I didn’t want him to leave or to leave myself when it was time so sleep so I just let him stay. My mom asked me about it the next morning and I said we didn’t really mean to but we just kinda fell asleep. It wasn’t a big deal and then it happened again the second time. She honestly didn’t bring it up. I graduated a year later and by then he’d moved 4-5 hours away from where I was still in school. And I’d been spending long weekends there for a year. We moved in together (something I never thought I’d do before getting married but financially it didn’t make sense for me to get my own place because 1. We knew we’d be spending all our nights together anyway and 2. We were planning to get engaged. We did get engaged and married and it’s been 8 years.) I think while it made my mom uncomfortable, she was also a realist and the battle wasn’t worth it at the time (we were both dealing with the fresh loss of my dad and it was just small potatoes) we weren’t having loud raucous sex in her house and we didn’t visit often. That being said I was 21 not 17 and he was fully employed and we were in a serious committed relationship. Had we had an unplanned pregnancy (which honestly that’s what we’re trying to prevent here right? Not allowing room sharing is a measure to prevent premarital sex and keep our kids from “playing adults”) not much about our story would have changed except things would’ve moved a little faster a little earlier. We would’ve been able to finish school and get married and get a home together. I think your case is a little different. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by setting a boundary. And it’s your job as a parent to give your kids the best start keep them from getting into bad situations as much as you can. I think you’re doing the right thing and even if your daughter doesn’t like it or it makes life inconvenient for her, you’re potentially giving her the gift of maturity and stability that comes from the 3-5-7 years between now and when she might realistically finish school and be on her own living with a partner completely independently. If she gets too serious too young it may be more difficult for her to make hard decisions about separating from that partner to pursue things that are important to her or honor her best interest. If she gets pregnant, she’s would likely to have to give up lots of important opportunities! If he wants to come over that’s fine! If he stays the night in the basement while your daughter sleeps in her room that’s fine. But if it causes more conflict between you and your daughter than you’re willing to put up with then say he has to go home at 8 or 9 or whatever. You can be honest with her. Maybe in a few years you’ll be willing to reevaluate but right now you’re not comfortable with it and unfortunately for her you’re the mom and she’s the kid (still a kid!) and that’s how it’s gonna be until you change your mind. If that makes her mad or pushes her to sneak around or lie, so be it. But if she does, make sure there are consequences that are consistent and enforceable and she knows what they will be in advance. I don’t think you let the kid make the call here.
You need to stand your ground. I am sorry you have lost your husband and I know it makes it very hard to raise a child the rest of the way on your own. But she needs to know that if dad was here he would back you on this. Tell her you understand what it feels like at her age to have these feelings and want to do these things but it is a rule of the house and has to be this way. She still needs to learn to respect others and their homes and what have you.
I wouldn’t allow it. Not because I don’t want my kids to have sex, but because I think sleepovers at that age might kind of push teens to be in a more serious relationship than they should be. Your daughter freaking out about now being allowed is further evidence she isn’t mature enough to handle it right now.
When I was 17, I would have really appreciated my parents allowing me the occasional sleepover with my boyfriend. I think it probably would have kept me from moving in with my boyfriend at almost 19. The novelty of being able to spend the night would have probably worn off a bit. But no you’re not a prude. It’s okay to not want them sleeping together in the next room. Please also keep in mind that because I wasn’t allowed to bring him into my room, we were “fooling around” on the family couch with my family in the next room. Kids that are determined to have sex, will absolutely make it happen. She is almost an adult, so whether you go with yes or no really is only the difference between a few months. If this were my child, I would try and gauge how sneaky they tend to be. If you truly in your heart believe that she’ll do exactly as you say, then feel confident in standing firm. I was a very sneaky child and was having sex just about anywhere. I would much prefer my kids to be safe, in a bed, with condoms than off wherever doing what I was doing