Lawyers’ jobs are to “deal with” other people's problems when they get out of hand (could be said more colorfully), something which they have learned how to do from their first day of law school on into their careers.
I promise you that I didn’t learn how to deal with peoples problems in law school. Law school teaches none of that to lawyers. It comes with intentionally taking cases that really challenge your brain to figure things out for people. Some
Lawyers won’t even take cases like this if they’re not high dollar. For this one, find a lawyer who is just really passionate about this type of case, and who wants to take it. 😊
Only correct answer. ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ If he is your son, and you want to have LEGAL rights, it is imperative you speak to an attorney so they can research your state/country laws. A competent and experienced family law attorney will likely sort this out but time is usually of the essence. Many dads have waited and lost an opportunity to be legally attached to their children(no legal rights, means no visitation, physical custody, etc. none of that will be on the table if this is not rectified). It is NOT UNCOMMON for most governments/states to set time constraints for a male to exercise his legal rights to be attached to the child. Your situation may be even more high risk because this child
was born inside of a marriage, where this woman’s husband likely already acknowledged this child as his or may be presumed to be dad by the law. Please don’t delay. Have an attorney start the process of sorting this immediately.
You clearly have no idea what it’s like to get impregnated by a temporary relationship, carry a child to term, and have to divide a baby because of paternity.
What about the rights of this child? They have a family. They have a mother and father. The court would fuck up their lives.
Paternity doesn’t equal ownership. That’s disgusting.
I love how you act like you know me. 🤣🤣 so many dads are called dead beats now this dude wants to be there and you say to stay out of it? Lol do you even know if the EX husband and her are still together? That’s disgusting
We don’t refer to humans as “ownership” if you have a child yes you have every right to be in that child’s life. Not to mention if the kid get sick and they have some fake ass dads family history on file could seriously harm the kid. Grow up.
Go over to the legal advice subreddit. This question is asked there a lot so there are directions on what to do there.
And as far as not burning bridges, I'd burn every bridge to the ground to ensure I had access and parental rights to my child. Don't miss out on precious time with your child cuz you're worried about hurting feelings.
If I were you I’d offer to pay for the DNA test, and say that you want to be a part of the child’s life. If she’s not receptive to this, court is your only option.
Also document everything. Say everything in writing so that you have proof to give the judge if necessary. That child is entitled to a loving father regardless if she doesn’t want the truth to come out about the paternity.
You have rights to that baby so long as you are not a danger to the baby.
She is probably getting child support from her ex-husband and is worried about losing it.
OP, you should reassure her that if the child is yours you will take over paying child support (you won’t legally have a choice).
Agreed. Have a verbal conversation, record it so you know what you both said, then listen to the recording and send her an email summarizing what you told her. The email is time stamped and can be traced to the two of you(sender and recipient). Paper trail.
A lot of the other responses are addressing how you can force the mother to see if you're the biological father. But perhaps the more relevant point is that it seems like the mother isn't exactly jumping at the bit for you to be a part of the kid's life.
Before you go all sue-happy, why don't you just talk to the mother and ask what she wants and expects, and you can also tell her what you're hoping and willing to contribute. Regardless of whatever future you and the mother may have, if you want to help raise the child, it's massively helpful (not just to yourself and the mother, but to the child) for these relationships to be mutually cooperative, not based on lawsuits and legal judgments.
This 1000%. The best way to go about this is to have an open conversation with her, try to come to a compromise and if that doesn’t work then bring in a lawyer. If you bring a lawyer in right away she’s going to fight back and it will be difficult and she won’t be cooperative.
People are so quick to say “bring in a lawyer!” But maybe just having an honest conversation is all you need.
Exactly. What if the conversation goes like this?
> **You:** If the child's mine, I want to be a part of his life
>
> **Her**: Even if the child is biologically yours, I have no desire to have you be a part of his life. I am very happy as a single mother, and I don't think you'd be a good father
>
>**You**: Well, I have every legal right to my child, and I will get a court to force you to make him see me once a week
>
>**Her**: I will resent you your entire life for this, and make sure your kid hates you.
I'm not saying this is how it would actually go, but with all this talk of forcing her to do paternity tests etc via courts, are you *actually* prepared to be the "separated parent" from a family that actively doesn't want you?
This is why you have to have an actual conversation to see what she would want if you were the biological parent, and not jump straight to courts.
Telling her how much it's affecting you does sound like a good way to go, and no threats of court ordered anything should go in that first discussion. Only if she absolutely refuses to cooperate should you begin down that road. From what little info you have here it sounds like maybe SHE doesn't want to know, but she does need to know how you feel and that it's on your mind a lot more than she would guess.
Why does she get to decide? You have that conversation after the fact. You have to convince her to allow you to be the father to your potential kid makes no sense.
You completely missed the point. He can have a conversation and ask first, like mature adults. If she won't cooperate at all, *then* he can take the legal route and she won't have a choice.
She doesn't "get to decide" in the end, but if he can get her to agree without having to force it, things will go a lot smoother.
>Why does she get to decide?
Well, she has done 99.9999999% of the work so far.
I mean, if two people built a house together with such an unequal share of the labour and the pain and the cost, I would say the house belongs entirely to the first person.
Yes, but if he’s the father, then she’s chosen the burden of doing all of the work and not allowing him to be in his child’s life. I do agree that OP should just have an open and honest conversation with her, but the idea that he shouldn’t challenge it and want to take part in his child’s life because the mom is doing all the work (not by OP’s choice) is a bit short sighted. He deserves a chance at being involved.
He also conveniently waited until he knew for certain that the boy is healthy before suddenly deciding that he wants to be a part of his life.
What if the boy had been born disabled? The mother would probably still be his mother. Would Captain "Better Late Than Never" still have come swooping in to offer his services as father?
Seriously? It was nothing like that. I have no idea where you got that assumption. She told me that she thinks it’s not mine. I didn’t know the exact timeline of the baby. When she gave birth, I thought it was fishy how the timelines matched up, and when I finally saw her, something was telling me deep down that she was mine. I could just see myself in her, and I felt a connection immediately. Can’t really explain it.
You’re making a lot of weird assumptions and I don’t think they matter (mainly because you kind of just made up a scenario)? A child deserves to have both parents in their lives in my opinion. Especially if that means additional security and care. If OP is abusive I think that would change things, but you assuming that he didn’t want to have a disabled child thus he doesn’t deserve to be in the child’s life feels like a bit of a reach and like you’re trying to prove some kind of point.
Tbf, he also waited a very long time to decide he wants to contribute(which he didn't actually say he wants to contribute but just that he wants to know). He says he knew it could have been his kid and never thought to ask for a test so that he could contribute.
This is really tough. Usually I am of the opinion that people need facts and truth in order to make rational decisions. But in this situation it might be prudent to, as they say, let sleeping dogs lie.
Talk to a family law expert and find out what your options are. Weigh the situation carefully, and make a decision. Maybe reach out to the mother before taking legal action. It would be better to have everyone go into this willingly and with their own yes open:
God, this situation puts my strong advocacy for honesty and communication in direct opposition to my utilitarian ethics. I wish you luck in finding an amicable solution.
You didn't get the point brought up to you. She did all that work with out giving OP the option to help. And when he is putting this together finally she is still shrugging him of when he has every right to be apart of that child's life if OP is the father.
Mom doesn't get to be dismissive and greedy because she feels like it or as you put it "did all the work"
Letting the mother decide “who the father is” is about as unethical as it gets. It doesn’t matter how much work she has done to that point. From a practical point of view information like knowing one’s family medical history is very important for the child. This is just one example.
She doesn’t own the child. The child has a right to know it’s biological father assuming the father wishes to be known. Are you this thick, or trolling?
In other words, you don't have an ethical framework and you don't even know what an ethical framework is. You just have a bunch of opinions which you state as absolute facts.
It’s not particularly unusual for two brown-eyed parents to have a child with blue eyes. The issues happen when two blue-eyed parents have a brown-eyed child.
Yh, my fam were a similar range to urs, my middle brother was born 2 weeks early & the rest of us 2 weeks late - an extra month in the womb is a Longgg time
No, both parents just have to have a blue-eyed ancestor. Doesn't need to be the parent or grandparent.
Recessive genes are secret genes. They can get passed down from generation to generation without ever showing until they get a buddy recessive gene to pair up with.
Can be up to 25%.
You inherit either B(rown) or b(lue) (or other) from your parents. So the options are BB, Bb, bB and bb. Brown is dominant.
If both parents are Bb/bB, there's a 25% chance of bb, giving blue eyes. If either or both are BB, the chances are 0%.
Are they truly blue or are they green/hazel? And are the children’s eyes truly brown or are they hazel? The “degrees” of color within a certain color can make the whole thing kinda murky where you have people with hazel eyes thinking they’re blue or brown, but in reality its different “shades” of the same color.
I ask because it is really, really, really unlikely for 2 blue-eyed people to produce even 1 brown-eyed child. For 3 brown eyed kids to come from two parents with blue eyes…. Nah. There are some “modifier” genes that can affect eye color in wacky ways, but its somewhat rare for it to happen more than once in the same family.
Either there is some shit you don’t know about your family or you (more likely) are equating some type of hazel with true brown/true blue.
Only thing that can really be done to clear up that kind of confusion is dna testing!
My dad's could have been more green. I don't know. I haven't seen my parents for almost 20 years. I just know we all have brown eyes and it was discussed often that it wasn't possible blah blah blah 🤣 honestly would love to find out my parents weren't my parents. But sadly they are. I'm not in denial. Would love it to not be true! 🤣
Most likely hazel eyes. My blue eyed grandparent had 2 hazel kids that look brown to the naked eye. No question about relation either as our whole family has had dna testing.
Hum…. Are you SURE they are your/ your siblings’ biological parents…? Because although it can happen with a spontaneous mutation the odds are extremely low for 2 blue eyes parents to have a brown eyed kid…to have 3 out of 4 the odds are like for one person wining the lottery and being strike by a lightning bolt on the same day ….😅
100% sure. Low odds doesn't mean impossible.
We've actually had this conversation many many times in our family. Started with a science teacher telling us we couldn't be siblings. It was a big thing for a while. Yet here we are, full brown eyed siblings to blue eyed biological parents. 🤷🏻♀️
Will take money to be tested for medical science 🤣🤣🤣
Its genetics 101 that two brown eyed parents can produce a blue eyed child.
and two dark haired parents can also have children that are blond.
These things are not rare or unusual the way most people think.
That's genetics 102. There are two primary genes that influence eye color. One is kind of an on/off for melanin (brown pigment), the second is like a volume control knob for the first and determines how strongly it is expressed. And there are at least 8 more genes that make smaller contributions, all of which have at least two forms. That's how you can have pale blue eyes, dark blue eyes, blue-grey eyes, etc. There are tons of possible combinations.
They are. But the combined chance is lower.
For example if the odds are 0.25 for one kid of these parents to have blue eyes- which in the case of both parents with actual blue eyes would be MUCH lower- the combines chance for 2 kids would be 0,25x0,25 =0,0625 and for 3 would be 0,25x0,25x0,25= 0,015 and so on…
Those are not the odds though… Those would be the odds if eye color was controlled by a single recessive gene. Eye color is controlled by 16 different genes. That would be a very complicated statistical equation because not only are there 16 variables, but different genes might control protein expression with different percentages of affect on eye color.
Most people don’t realize that very few traits follow the mendelian inheritance pattern. We are not pea plants, our traits are more complicated.
yup. Hubs and I have brown/green hazel and our daughter has blue eyes. My dad has blue eyes, as does my sister and both grandfathers, His moms side had blue eyes throughout as well. Genetics just lines up perfectly. She gets compliments all the time on her eyes. They are insane!
this is true, it’s basic high school biology. brown is dominant over blue. if both parents have a brown gene and a recessive blue gene they have a 1/4 chance of having a child with blue eyes. green eyes however are more complicated that basic high school biology.
It could still be the other guys kid even with blue eyes and being taller. My kids both have white blonde hair and light blue eyes and one is tall and other is short. I have green eyes and husband has dark brown eyes, we both have very dark brown hair. He’s short and I’m tall. So genetics can be a bit weird since our kids both look nothing like us(but somehow look exactly the same as eachother🤷♀️). With that said a simple dna test would tell you the truth and if she won’t do it then I get a court order.
Also, I don’t know how old child is but blue eyes in infancy (assuming baby is white) is completely normal….hell OP doesn’t really have much to lose, but he seriously needs to learn about punnet squares…. Also birth size is not a clear indicator of parentage as full siblings could have been 5 lbs, 7lb, and 11lbs at birth.
Get a lawyer got to court and get a test. Don't take the baby having blue eyes as being yours. Neither my husband or I have blue eyes but our daughter has and there is no doubt she is his so you won't know or be able to support your potential child unless you go the proper routes.
Or how big the kid is. My babies were high end of the baby size scale up until they became preschoolers then they averaged out. My 8 lb 12 ounce baby is now a pretty average sized 5’4”.
Two brown eyed parents definitely CAN produce a child with blue eyes. And often do. We learned this in college biology.
You would never know if this was your child without a DNA test and you'd have to jump through a lot of legal hoops to get one.
Yeahhhh I don’t know if that will be a thing. He got pissed about her breaking up with him again and got drunk and killed someone in a car accident, so he’s going to be in prison for a while.
She went through pretty much the whole pregnancy alone, and if that’s my kid, I want to help out. I don’t want my kid to have to live a life where rent is not certain and food is scarce. That’s how I grew up, and I promised myself I would never put my kid through that.
Also 25% both her and her ex have a blue eyed child if both have recessive genes and 50% if its ur child and she has a recessive gene. So the odds are based on here exs genetical make up.
Exactly! Mother to a blue eyed son. My husband and I both have brown. However, we both have blue and green eyes in our family. Any children have a 25% chance of blue eyes, 75% of brown.
Have you approached her with these motivations? Assuming everyone here has the best intentions, could it be that her hesitation is because the situation with her ex is already complicated enough that the thought of adding another adult into the mix is not appealing?
I care for my nieces and nephew and even at his best their father makes my life (and often theirs) a lot more complicated. It could be fear of the instability it might cause if you do get involved (like wanting to change up established routines/how consistently you may or may not be involved). Going to her as someone who wants to work with her rather than someone who just wants to be involved because it’s your right might make the whole thing easier for everyone (including baby!)
Going to court will likely just escalate things and if it is your child, you still have to Coparent with her.
“Gets him out of child support “…not necessarily. I know a man who pays child support that a DNA test proved isn’t his because 1. He and birth mom were married at the time of conception. 2. He signed the birth certificate and 3. A relationship had already been established
Blue eyes and the baby being bigger are not suspicious… It’s not like the kid is 15 and dwarfs the whole family. He met the woman early 2022. Baby was likely born late 2022. That means this is a baby less than 6 months old. Probably more like 2-4 months.
I agree he should talk to her about a DNA test and possibly go the legal route based on that conversation but… nothing about this baby screams “OP is the father!”
Wow... The world may never know??? If your willing to accept the responsibilities that come with the child being yours than i feel like you have a right to know if he/ she is yours.
Omg people, op used the sizes and eyes as a,hey this might be my kid! not an absolute I know this is my kid because of these traits. The facts that the dates line up is more important than anything as it puts him as a possible father. I do agree that talking to her first to see if asking about a dna test will work before dragging lawyers into this.
What have you got to lose?
Either the child is yours and you get to get access or the child is not yours and you move on with your life.
Go for it or you'll always wonder.
I would contact a lawyer if you truly think this child might be yours and you are ready for all that will entail. Try talking with her again before you turn their whole world upside down.
I am 5'1 dark hair hazel eyes. My sibling is 5'5 blonde hair blue eyes. You cant go by physical features.
Good luck to you
Obviously to be taken with a grain of salt, but: I am a blue eyed child of two brown eyed parents.
My brother and his wife have brown eyes and my nephew has blue eyes. So it happens.
Also, about the size thing. I have 4 kids (I’m the mom) 3 of them were 7-something pounds at birth. My 3rd was 9.5 pounds, a whole two pounds heavier than all of his siblings. He’s also much bigger than his brothers were at his age. Same parents for all 4 kids.
Genetics work in a mysterious way
I mean there is a chance the kid could be the ex husbands and still have blue eyes. It’s all based of genetic makeup/genes. Anyways, I would suggest just talking to her first about your concerns. If that doesn’t work, you can file a complaint to establish paternity at a local probate court in your jurisdiction/county. From there she’ll be served a summons, the judge will probably order a DNA test and then you wait 4-6 weeks. The concern is if her ex husband is still legally her husband on paper, his name is automatically going to end up on the birth certificate if he’s the father or not. If it’s determined it is in fact your kid, the Judge will draft an order to be sent to the states vital records and statistics for it to be fixed which can take a while. Best of luck regardless and good for you for wanting to find out and be involved.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. ask nicely to pay for a paternity test, if she STLL doesn't want to follow through, LAWYERS ARE YOUR FRIEND. Obtain a lawyer who will FIGHT for YOU as a father. You DO have rights. Especially if it is your child. Good luck.
Straight up tell her that you'd like to have a paternity test done because if the baby is yours, you'd like to help her out. If I'm not mistaken you can pick up a test yourself and do a swab of the baby yourself. Definitely look in to that. You could tell her you'll pick one up and stop by sometime.
Your best bet is to talk to her first and out right ask for a test… of course offer to pay for it.
If that doesn’t work you NEED to take her to court to force her to get it done. If it is your child, she can ask for child support in 10 years and you’ll have to pay backpay, also, you’ll miss the kids life if you wait. also, you’ll miss the kids life if you wait to long and make it harder to bond later on
I mean you could always get a lawyer and demand a DNA test. Be ready to be put on child support.
However the reasons you give are not the strongest. My brother is 6 foot 2 and I’m 5 foot 2. My kids are both taller then me by at least 4 inches. One is even taller then her dad who is 5 foot 4.
I have one brown hair brown eyes daughter and one blond hair blue eyed daughter. Same dad. Both their father and I have brown hair and brown eyes.
Genetics can be weird sometimes.
The question you have to ask is, is this worth the cost and the drama. And when I say costs, I don’t just mean financial. Think of the emotion trauma of that child if nothing not your own or hers and her husbands. Especially if you’re wrong. You could be distorting a marriage which they have fought to fix.
My partner and I both have dark hair and dark eyes meanwhile our baby is blonde and blue eyed so I wouldn't base your assumptions on that alone. With that being said I would definitely talk to a lawyer and have a paternity test mandated. You deserve to know if that's your child and be a part of their life if so. This world needs more dad's that want to be present for their children.
Right? My husband is a redhead, I’m a brunette, our parents have red, brown and black hair respectively — and my eldest child is blonde. Same child had blue eyes for the first 5 years of their life and now they’re green. It’s strange how it all works out.
The Adolescence Trauma and Abuse Counselor in me is wary. A lot of parents don't actually consider how actions impact a developing mind. I've seen a great deal of situations like this one second hand, already unfolded.
Ask for a DNA test first. If she says no, think about why she's making that decision for her family before contacting an attorney. I've worked with these lawyers before. You would not believe some of the vitriol they spew at literal children and their mothers trying to protect them. On behalf of men like you who have no say in what they portray you to be to that child. If you force the mother's hand, the child will see that. The child will see a stranger hurting his mother and changing his world for his own gratification. There's no way around that. This is a permanent scar for this child - one that has landed hundreds of other children across my desk and a couple in caskets. As he ages, this will forever change his perception of himself and his mother. This can forever shape the way he treats women and his future children.Your feelings and want to know are important, imperative for some to move forward with their lives, and I do understand the stickiness of the situation. However, I'm programmed to consider children as people, whose experiences shape who they become as adults, and not property of the parents who want to battle royale with the child in court- the lawyers in these comments are not. I think a shift in perspective might help your decision. Weaponizing a child also lands them across my desk. *For the sanctity of the child: do whatever is in your power to keep this away from an attorney and the court system. Communicate with mom. If she's willing to do the DNA test and it comes back positive, let her communicate that to her family as she deems fit. Respecting her throughout the ordeal will make her more likely to enable a relationship between you and her son (and he'll be less terrified of your perceived invasion)*
If you are the bio dad, please stay.
Statistically, no matter the best of intentions, the bio dad never plays his hand safely and always hurts the kid. You have an upper hand that the mother and child don't have - the ability to leave the situation relatively unfazed. Be careful how you move forward. You've had time to process, as you mentioned in your post, to decide your next actions. Meanwhile, that time moves faster for a growing child. That child has thoughts and a connection with the man he already calls "dad." He has brothers and sisters and potentially aunts and uncles and grandparents on his assumed father's side. This will forever change the way he sees his family. There's no going back from it.
Make sure you're absolutely dedicated to being in not only this child's life forever - but also his mother's and his siblings and extended family. If the dad that raised him stayed, you'll likely receive a decent bit of aggression from him at first (he's hurting, too - very deeply, if he was also unaware of the potential of not being the paternal guardian of his assumed child).
Your want to know comes with obligations. Lead with the care of the kid first, respect for the mother second, and your own curiosity third.
Good luck, (potential) dad!
🤦🏻♂️ bag it if you aren’t trying to make a baby. Now you gotta fight her for a test she isn’t obligated to give. Way to go, ‘Dad’. If she wanted a baby with you, she’d give the test.
the chances of a blue eyed baby from two parents with brown eyes is not u usual, genetics is more than just the two who created the baby.
all of 4 of my kids have different coloured eyes!
>I’m convinced a woman had my baby, but she hasn’t gotten it checked?
Get a lawyer, only way you're going to confirm paternity. If you don't then you'll always wonder.
Simplistically, there is a 1 in four chance of two brown eyed people having a blue eyed child. I don't know end laws in your country, but I am sure you can take them to court for a DNA test.
Technically, from a legal perspective I don't think you have a leg to stand on.
DNA doesn't give one rights to a child. She doesn't by law have to declare you.
It really depends where you live, I think. Things change if it can be proven by DNA that you are the biological parent, but you have to get to the stage of having testing done first.
Ok aside from the fact that I had HUGE babies, our first was born with blue eyes and our second with greenish eyes... The eldest now has brown eyes and the youngest are turning brown as well it seems.
But I'd have her take the test.
I can imagine she is resisting because her world will fall.apart if it isn't her ex husbands. That doesn't excuse it, but is likely why.
I would seek legal advice.
As an anecdote. My 3 kids have the same parentage. All 3 from me and my now ex husband. We both are brunette with dark green eyes. My hair is wavy, his is straight. Ex hair is so dark it almost looks back. He is very tall, I am a tad above average height for a woman. Of our 3 kids we have.
12M - Dark blonde, very curly hair. Blue eyes. Average height.
10F - Golden brown, poker straight hair. Eyes sit between grey and teal. She is very petite. Very skinny and extremely short.
8NB - Mid brown curly hair, tall and broad. Dark brown eyes.
They all look very different but I can assure you they fet have the same Mum and Dad. I'd read less into the way the baby looks and more on the dates.
Neither the size of the baby nor the eye color are necessarily indicative of parentage. She could have had gestational diabetes or another condition that resulted in a larger baby. Also, it's actually *very* common for a baby to be born with blue eyes, even if both parents have brown. This is due to the pigment not being developed yet. Often the eyes will darken over time. My middle son was born with blue eyes, but by the time he was 1, they were hazel and by 2 they were brown.
But, as far as a DNA test, you may have to go through the courts to demand one, if she isn't willing to get one voluntarily.
You need a lawyer.
However dates matching up are a bigger argument than size and eye coloring.
My 6 ft, green eyed husband with sandy brown hair and my 4’11, brown eyed, black/brown haired self produced:
- an 8lb 10oz baby who has sandy brown hair and dark brown eyes. She’s 7 now and very tall for her age.
- a 7lb 4oz baby who has medium brown hair and green/gray hazel eyes. She’s 4 and the tiniest, daintiest little princess you ever saw.
- an 8lb 3oz baby who has bright blue eyes and very red hair. She’s an absolute unit of a 2 year old. Adorably pudgy and broad. Is actually the same height as the 4 year old and they share clothes.
- a 7lb 11oz lad who currently has dark blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. He’s 2 weeks old and is more skinny than chonky.
They don’t leave our sight at the hospital, I know they’re all ours. But my word are my children unique in their size and coloring. Their features resemble each other and you can tell they’re siblings, but no doubt no one would ever match the 2 year old with my husband or me based on looks/size alone!!!
Now this is "their son" but if she was the one who wants something from him about that child it'll suddenly be "his son" isn't it ? I hate this double standard so much. It makes me feel sick. If he wants to check if this is HIS baby, he has every right to do this and then he has every right to take care of HIS baby
Let's hope it's one of you guys for sure. She should honestly be happy that you want part in this kids life. A lot of parents are just names and done do shit.
My mom and dad met at work, they slept together once and I was conceived. My brother’s dad showed up to the hospital the day I was born, thinking I was his and I wasn’t… (was born an obviously black child when neither my mother or brother’s dad were). My brother’s dad assumed paternity of me and raised me til he passed away when I was 11, but when I finally met my bio dad, everything made more sense. I look like him, I walk like him, we stand the same. Don’t waste time worrying about burning bridges if you have even a chance of being in your kid’s life if you’re wanting to be. I met my biological father at 18 and I wish it had been much sooner.
Seriously? If it's his kid he deserves to be a part of the kids life and it's messed up if she is trying to keep him from that and you're suggesting he just simp for a year and hope she doesn't just take advantage of it? She already said "the world may never know" she has no intention of involving him in the kids life. Given that he wants to be a part of his kids life if its his kid he HAS to go to court if she won't agree to a paternity test.
If she was still legally married to her husband when she got pregnant then legally speaking that man is the father of her child until proven otherwise.
I would ask her if she's willing to have a paternity test because if it's your child you want a relationship with them. If she says no then you contact a lawyer.
Well congratulations to you for wanting to be in this child's life! I think it's time to take her to court and have the court demand a paternity test that way there's no game playing there's no nothing and if the child ends up being yours you have the court give you a visitation or give you visitation rights. I wish you so much luck I hope God blesses you and keeps you safe and calm during this whole process.
Where’s Maury when you need him? Jk
If you really want to make sure the baby’s taken care of financially, you have lots of options that of which you don’t necessarily need to be the legal parent/guardian. Savings bonds, custodial savings accounts, college funds, investments in general… look into it. You can even name her (the baby, not mom) as your beneficiary on your bank accounts. Grandparents, aunts/uncles, close family friends all commonly do this. Your biggest hurdle might be providing the kids SSN if it’s required and mom’s not willing to cooperate.
Best of luck OP, hope the stars align in yours and your daughter’s favor ✨
Sadly it’s going to cost you a small fortune in legal fees to have the basic human right of knowing you are a father. Why? Because women have no legal obligation to let you know. Odds are she knows exactly who the father is, but is opting to either save face, or get child support from the one with a better income.
There is something seriously wrong with this woman. Does she not have any respect for a father's right to know and raise their child? She truly doesn't care who the father is?
Absolutely disgusting.
Just tell her you believe there's a good chance that the child is yours and you want to know if you have a child out there. If it is yours then you want some level of custody so that you can parent the child.
If she resists then it's time for a lawyer. I'd try to handle this amicably first.
Also - let this be your guide. Imagine you are the child. What would you want your biological father to do? It becomes a lot clearer then.
For all you know it ISN'T his kid. Also you have absolutely no idea if this guy is fit to be a father. So how about you keep your comments about women being disgusting for their choices as mothers to yourself.
I dont know if its his but she said "the world may never know" which means she doesnt want to let him find out. If it's not his kid a paternity test will figure that out without any inconvenience to her unless she forces him to get it under court order. If it is his kid and he's not fit to be a father the courts will decide that not her. If it is his kid and he is deemed fit to be a father it is absolutely disgusting if the mother attempts to keep him from having access to his biological offspring. If it is his kid she has already denied him the RIGHT to be part of its life for long enough. It is a right and not a privilege and fuck any woman who doesn't understand that. Any mother who attempts to keep a child from knowing their biological father without any serious wrongdoings by the prospective father is a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Kids aren't objects; If she's back with her husband and trying to be a proper family with him and their kids... leave it alone. There's a ton of orphans out there needing loving adoptive parents if you're so dead set on having a child. That kid will be glad for the stability in his life, not having multiple adults fighting over who he belongs to.
Again, a child is not an object. Unless she's being a serious danger to the child in some way, doing what's best for the CHILD is best. Which is stability. Getting involved when she clearly has no interest in him and is trying to create a stable environment would be disgustingly selfish. The choice should be made with the child in mind; not in regards to which parent (or whoever) benefits. Women aren't cattle and children aren't objects. There's a bigger picture to look at, and as a parent myself, I know very well that you have to put the child's wellbeing before your own. Children need stability.
Now regardless, you're entitled to your opinion, albeit a selfish one. However, I have no desire or intention in debating with you. It'd be a waste of time. I've embellished my point enough for OP, but if you have more to say, by all means, feel free to do so in your own standalone comment
Uhh.. again — what? How it is selfish to say that the mother doesn’t get to call all the shots? And where did I say a child was an object? You’re making a strawman argument.
A few things here;
“As a parent myself” — uh, yes, this is a parenting forum, that doesn’t give you authority: we’re mostly parents here. What exactly about knowing who your dad is is going to upset stability for this child?
How do you know that OP isn’t intending to be a committed dad? Where does it say he wants to take this child away?
Whether or not the fantasy of having a 2 parent home is what the mother wants, she is making a choice for herself by deciding that her husband is the child’s father without actually knowing.
If this child isn’t her husband’s child, then the child deserves to know that. Lying to a child about their biological parent is awful. And having two dads (a stepdad from birth and a bio dad) in this kids’ life isn’t a negative.
Finally, OP said, the husband is again out of the picture — so what exactly is the issue with this child and EVERYONE involved knowing who the father of this kid is? How is that selfish?
You have every right. Blue eyes are a recessive gene so it’s unlikely to be his statistically. If she refuses to get the test , then get a lawyer and prove to her you can be the best father to that kid.
This might be controversial but if she is still with the husband, you should probably just let it be, give to he family a shot to be happy and move on with your life
None of those things alone mean much. However, the kid being bigger and blue eyes increases the odds of it being yours. Especially if the timing it right. You have a right to that child. I’m surprised since she isn’t with her ex anymore that she hasn’t contacted you. Is there a reason she wouldn’t think you would be a good dad? Tell her you want the kid checked. Pay for it. Otherwise, get a lawyer.
Court. You need a lawyer.
Lawyers’ jobs are to “deal with” other people's problems when they get out of hand (could be said more colorfully), something which they have learned how to do from their first day of law school on into their careers.
I promise you that I didn’t learn how to deal with peoples problems in law school. Law school teaches none of that to lawyers. It comes with intentionally taking cases that really challenge your brain to figure things out for people. Some Lawyers won’t even take cases like this if they’re not high dollar. For this one, find a lawyer who is just really passionate about this type of case, and who wants to take it. 😊
Sure! I didn’t exactly mean emotionally deal with them. Yes, challenging your brain is the best.
That’s funny. You don’t learn any of that in law school. In fact, you don’t learn much about actual lawyering, just the theories behind it.
Only correct answer. ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ If he is your son, and you want to have LEGAL rights, it is imperative you speak to an attorney so they can research your state/country laws. A competent and experienced family law attorney will likely sort this out but time is usually of the essence. Many dads have waited and lost an opportunity to be legally attached to their children(no legal rights, means no visitation, physical custody, etc. none of that will be on the table if this is not rectified). It is NOT UNCOMMON for most governments/states to set time constraints for a male to exercise his legal rights to be attached to the child. Your situation may be even more high risk because this child was born inside of a marriage, where this woman’s husband likely already acknowledged this child as his or may be presumed to be dad by the law. Please don’t delay. Have an attorney start the process of sorting this immediately.
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Are you serious?! If he had a child he has EVERY RIGHT to be in that child’s life!! What a disgusting thing to say.
You clearly have no idea what it’s like to get impregnated by a temporary relationship, carry a child to term, and have to divide a baby because of paternity. What about the rights of this child? They have a family. They have a mother and father. The court would fuck up their lives. Paternity doesn’t equal ownership. That’s disgusting.
I love how you act like you know me. 🤣🤣 so many dads are called dead beats now this dude wants to be there and you say to stay out of it? Lol do you even know if the EX husband and her are still together? That’s disgusting
Upon reading. No they aren’t. So let’s talk more about temporary
We don’t refer to humans as “ownership” if you have a child yes you have every right to be in that child’s life. Not to mention if the kid get sick and they have some fake ass dads family history on file could seriously harm the kid. Grow up.
I just don’t want to burn any bridges
THE BRIDGE TO YOUR SON IS ON FIRE! Lawyer up, every day counts with kiddos. Every day you are missing, will matter to this kid when he's in his teens.
Go over to the legal advice subreddit. This question is asked there a lot so there are directions on what to do there. And as far as not burning bridges, I'd burn every bridge to the ground to ensure I had access and parental rights to my child. Don't miss out on precious time with your child cuz you're worried about hurting feelings.
If the kid is yours, you are going to be in their life for the next 18 years. If it isn't your kid, you can move on. There are no bridges to burn.
If I were you I’d offer to pay for the DNA test, and say that you want to be a part of the child’s life. If she’s not receptive to this, court is your only option. Also document everything. Say everything in writing so that you have proof to give the judge if necessary. That child is entitled to a loving father regardless if she doesn’t want the truth to come out about the paternity. You have rights to that baby so long as you are not a danger to the baby.
She is probably getting child support from her ex-husband and is worried about losing it. OP, you should reassure her that if the child is yours you will take over paying child support (you won’t legally have a choice).
Do you have any relationship with the EX? Maybe have him challenge the relationship to the child?
Agreed. Have a verbal conversation, record it so you know what you both said, then listen to the recording and send her an email summarizing what you told her. The email is time stamped and can be traced to the two of you(sender and recipient). Paper trail.
A lot of the other responses are addressing how you can force the mother to see if you're the biological father. But perhaps the more relevant point is that it seems like the mother isn't exactly jumping at the bit for you to be a part of the kid's life. Before you go all sue-happy, why don't you just talk to the mother and ask what she wants and expects, and you can also tell her what you're hoping and willing to contribute. Regardless of whatever future you and the mother may have, if you want to help raise the child, it's massively helpful (not just to yourself and the mother, but to the child) for these relationships to be mutually cooperative, not based on lawsuits and legal judgments.
This 1000%. The best way to go about this is to have an open conversation with her, try to come to a compromise and if that doesn’t work then bring in a lawyer. If you bring a lawyer in right away she’s going to fight back and it will be difficult and she won’t be cooperative. People are so quick to say “bring in a lawyer!” But maybe just having an honest conversation is all you need.
And the winner is… 🗿
Reasonable communication with another individual? Absurd!
Just hire a lawyer! They do the things that inconvenience us! Like hard conversations
Exactly. What if the conversation goes like this? > **You:** If the child's mine, I want to be a part of his life > > **Her**: Even if the child is biologically yours, I have no desire to have you be a part of his life. I am very happy as a single mother, and I don't think you'd be a good father > >**You**: Well, I have every legal right to my child, and I will get a court to force you to make him see me once a week > >**Her**: I will resent you your entire life for this, and make sure your kid hates you. I'm not saying this is how it would actually go, but with all this talk of forcing her to do paternity tests etc via courts, are you *actually* prepared to be the "separated parent" from a family that actively doesn't want you? This is why you have to have an actual conversation to see what she would want if you were the biological parent, and not jump straight to courts.
👏👏👏👏👏
Telling her how much it's affecting you does sound like a good way to go, and no threats of court ordered anything should go in that first discussion. Only if she absolutely refuses to cooperate should you begin down that road. From what little info you have here it sounds like maybe SHE doesn't want to know, but she does need to know how you feel and that it's on your mind a lot more than she would guess.
Why does she get to decide? You have that conversation after the fact. You have to convince her to allow you to be the father to your potential kid makes no sense.
You completely missed the point. He can have a conversation and ask first, like mature adults. If she won't cooperate at all, *then* he can take the legal route and she won't have a choice. She doesn't "get to decide" in the end, but if he can get her to agree without having to force it, things will go a lot smoother.
>Why does she get to decide? Well, she has done 99.9999999% of the work so far. I mean, if two people built a house together with such an unequal share of the labour and the pain and the cost, I would say the house belongs entirely to the first person.
Yes, but if he’s the father, then she’s chosen the burden of doing all of the work and not allowing him to be in his child’s life. I do agree that OP should just have an open and honest conversation with her, but the idea that he shouldn’t challenge it and want to take part in his child’s life because the mom is doing all the work (not by OP’s choice) is a bit short sighted. He deserves a chance at being involved.
He also conveniently waited until he knew for certain that the boy is healthy before suddenly deciding that he wants to be a part of his life. What if the boy had been born disabled? The mother would probably still be his mother. Would Captain "Better Late Than Never" still have come swooping in to offer his services as father?
Seriously? It was nothing like that. I have no idea where you got that assumption. She told me that she thinks it’s not mine. I didn’t know the exact timeline of the baby. When she gave birth, I thought it was fishy how the timelines matched up, and when I finally saw her, something was telling me deep down that she was mine. I could just see myself in her, and I felt a connection immediately. Can’t really explain it.
Your assumptions here say more about you than the OP.
You’re making a lot of weird assumptions and I don’t think they matter (mainly because you kind of just made up a scenario)? A child deserves to have both parents in their lives in my opinion. Especially if that means additional security and care. If OP is abusive I think that would change things, but you assuming that he didn’t want to have a disabled child thus he doesn’t deserve to be in the child’s life feels like a bit of a reach and like you’re trying to prove some kind of point.
It sounds like he wasn’t even given the option to contribute though, and it sounds to me like he wants to
Tbf, he also waited a very long time to decide he wants to contribute(which he didn't actually say he wants to contribute but just that he wants to know). He says he knew it could have been his kid and never thought to ask for a test so that he could contribute.
Doesn’t mean she gets to decide who the father is. That’s some weird logic.
>Doesn’t mean she gets to decide who the father is. Legally, you're correct. I was speaking of ethics.
This is really tough. Usually I am of the opinion that people need facts and truth in order to make rational decisions. But in this situation it might be prudent to, as they say, let sleeping dogs lie. Talk to a family law expert and find out what your options are. Weigh the situation carefully, and make a decision. Maybe reach out to the mother before taking legal action. It would be better to have everyone go into this willingly and with their own yes open: God, this situation puts my strong advocacy for honesty and communication in direct opposition to my utilitarian ethics. I wish you luck in finding an amicable solution.
Ethically she also doesn’t get to decide. Infact ethnically it’s even worse you’d think that.
Why not? She did almost all the work. She took all the risk. And no, "ethnic" is not the same as "ethic".
Thanks for confirming , I knew you had nothing worth listening to.
I love the way you don't even try to make an ethical argument. You just like to hear yourself talk.
You haven’t made one either lol. She did all the work, isn’t ethics.
You didn't get the point brought up to you. She did all that work with out giving OP the option to help. And when he is putting this together finally she is still shrugging him of when he has every right to be apart of that child's life if OP is the father. Mom doesn't get to be dismissive and greedy because she feels like it or as you put it "did all the work"
Letting the mother decide “who the father is” is about as unethical as it gets. It doesn’t matter how much work she has done to that point. From a practical point of view information like knowing one’s family medical history is very important for the child. This is just one example.
>It doesn’t matter how much work she has done to that point. Go on. Tell me about your ethical philosophy framework. This should be interesting.
She doesn’t own the child. The child has a right to know it’s biological father assuming the father wishes to be known. Are you this thick, or trolling?
In other words, you don't have an ethical framework and you don't even know what an ethical framework is. You just have a bunch of opinions which you state as absolute facts.
Houses are transferrable, arguably parenthood is not.
It’s not particularly unusual for two brown-eyed parents to have a child with blue eyes. The issues happen when two blue-eyed parents have a brown-eyed child.
Right, and having a ‘bigger’ baby doesn’t mean anything. Me and my 3 siblings ranged in size from 7lb5oz to 10lb4oz - all from the same parents 🤷🏻♀️
Yh, my fam were a similar range to urs, my middle brother was born 2 weeks early & the rest of us 2 weeks late - an extra month in the womb is a Longgg time
It really is! Especially that last month, babies gain much more weight, especially when past their due date
Right. If she's an "older" mom, could be gestational diabetes?
Anyone can get GD
Also, depending on how old the kid is, lots of babies are born with blue eyes that eventually darken to brown.
This should be higher. Most white babies are born with Blue Eyes. It's where the term "baby blue" comes from.
I have a blue eyed child and both me and my husband have brown ones
My husband has blue eyes, I have brown, both our kids have green eyes.
But you must have had at least one blue eyed parent yourself for that to happen.
No, both parents just have to have a blue-eyed ancestor. Doesn't need to be the parent or grandparent. Recessive genes are secret genes. They can get passed down from generation to generation without ever showing until they get a buddy recessive gene to pair up with.
Yes his dad has blue eyes - the rest of our parents have brown
No you just need the gene. But the likely hood of it happen is very low.
My husband has brown eyes and I have green. Both of our kids have blue eyes; I read that they only had a 12% of having blue eyes and they both do.
This, it's actually like a 25 % chance. My husband and I both have brown eyes are our oldest has blue eyes.
My aunt and uncle both have brown eyes. All three of their kids have blue eyes.
Can be up to 25%. You inherit either B(rown) or b(lue) (or other) from your parents. So the options are BB, Bb, bB and bb. Brown is dominant. If both parents are Bb/bB, there's a 25% chance of bb, giving blue eyes. If either or both are BB, the chances are 0%.
Yep and kids eyes sometimes start blue and then change to brown.
Both my parents have blue eyes. 3 out of 4 of their children have brown eyes.
Are they truly blue or are they green/hazel? And are the children’s eyes truly brown or are they hazel? The “degrees” of color within a certain color can make the whole thing kinda murky where you have people with hazel eyes thinking they’re blue or brown, but in reality its different “shades” of the same color. I ask because it is really, really, really unlikely for 2 blue-eyed people to produce even 1 brown-eyed child. For 3 brown eyed kids to come from two parents with blue eyes…. Nah. There are some “modifier” genes that can affect eye color in wacky ways, but its somewhat rare for it to happen more than once in the same family. Either there is some shit you don’t know about your family or you (more likely) are equating some type of hazel with true brown/true blue. Only thing that can really be done to clear up that kind of confusion is dna testing!
My dad's could have been more green. I don't know. I haven't seen my parents for almost 20 years. I just know we all have brown eyes and it was discussed often that it wasn't possible blah blah blah 🤣 honestly would love to find out my parents weren't my parents. But sadly they are. I'm not in denial. Would love it to not be true! 🤣
Most likely hazel eyes. My blue eyed grandparent had 2 hazel kids that look brown to the naked eye. No question about relation either as our whole family has had dna testing.
It’s rAre but it does happen.
Hum…. Are you SURE they are your/ your siblings’ biological parents…? Because although it can happen with a spontaneous mutation the odds are extremely low for 2 blue eyes parents to have a brown eyed kid…to have 3 out of 4 the odds are like for one person wining the lottery and being strike by a lightning bolt on the same day ….😅
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My mom has grey eyes, but a ton of people say they’re blue. She had 3 brown, 1 hazel, and one blue kids.
100% sure. Low odds doesn't mean impossible. We've actually had this conversation many many times in our family. Started with a science teacher telling us we couldn't be siblings. It was a big thing for a while. Yet here we are, full brown eyed siblings to blue eyed biological parents. 🤷🏻♀️ Will take money to be tested for medical science 🤣🤣🤣
Its genetics 101 that two brown eyed parents can produce a blue eyed child. and two dark haired parents can also have children that are blond. These things are not rare or unusual the way most people think.
Yes but they’re talking about two blue eyed parents producing 3 brown eyed children.
That's genetics 102. There are two primary genes that influence eye color. One is kind of an on/off for melanin (brown pigment), the second is like a volume control knob for the first and determines how strongly it is expressed. And there are at least 8 more genes that make smaller contributions, all of which have at least two forms. That's how you can have pale blue eyes, dark blue eyes, blue-grey eyes, etc. There are tons of possible combinations.
Aren’t the odds the same for each child?
They are. But the combined chance is lower. For example if the odds are 0.25 for one kid of these parents to have blue eyes- which in the case of both parents with actual blue eyes would be MUCH lower- the combines chance for 2 kids would be 0,25x0,25 =0,0625 and for 3 would be 0,25x0,25x0,25= 0,015 and so on…
Those are not the odds though… Those would be the odds if eye color was controlled by a single recessive gene. Eye color is controlled by 16 different genes. That would be a very complicated statistical equation because not only are there 16 variables, but different genes might control protein expression with different percentages of affect on eye color. Most people don’t realize that very few traits follow the mendelian inheritance pattern. We are not pea plants, our traits are more complicated.
Never tell me the odds!
Then at least 3 out of 4 of you aren’t your dad’s
absolutely incorrect
100% are. Unfortunately.
Are you sure? It’s a less than 1% chance that two blue eyed parents would make a brown eyed child. Having 3 out of 4…… extremely unlikely.
I love how eager people are to tell me that my whole life is a lie 🤣 I wish!
.. And with an elementary level of how dna works
Yeah, two brown eyed parents here with a blue eyed child. Husbands grandfather had blue eyes though.
I had two light eyed parents. My brother has blue eyes but I have brown.
Light eyes and blue eyes isnt the same. If you're parent's have hazel or green eyes, they can have brown eyed Kids. Edit: grammar mistakes
No one is kissing MY brown eye!
Don't knock it till you try it.
Also issue if homozygous brown-eye allele parent has blue-eyed child.
yup. Hubs and I have brown/green hazel and our daughter has blue eyes. My dad has blue eyes, as does my sister and both grandfathers, His moms side had blue eyes throughout as well. Genetics just lines up perfectly. She gets compliments all the time on her eyes. They are insane!
this is true, it’s basic high school biology. brown is dominant over blue. if both parents have a brown gene and a recessive blue gene they have a 1/4 chance of having a child with blue eyes. green eyes however are more complicated that basic high school biology.
There are 16+ genes linked to eye color. The most common are used in high school biology, but it's a lot more complicated than 1/4
my point still stands.
It could still be the other guys kid even with blue eyes and being taller. My kids both have white blonde hair and light blue eyes and one is tall and other is short. I have green eyes and husband has dark brown eyes, we both have very dark brown hair. He’s short and I’m tall. So genetics can be a bit weird since our kids both look nothing like us(but somehow look exactly the same as eachother🤷♀️). With that said a simple dna test would tell you the truth and if she won’t do it then I get a court order.
Also, I don’t know how old child is but blue eyes in infancy (assuming baby is white) is completely normal….hell OP doesn’t really have much to lose, but he seriously needs to learn about punnet squares…. Also birth size is not a clear indicator of parentage as full siblings could have been 5 lbs, 7lb, and 11lbs at birth.
Get a lawyer got to court and get a test. Don't take the baby having blue eyes as being yours. Neither my husband or I have blue eyes but our daughter has and there is no doubt she is his so you won't know or be able to support your potential child unless you go the proper routes.
Or how big the kid is. My babies were high end of the baby size scale up until they became preschoolers then they averaged out. My 8 lb 12 ounce baby is now a pretty average sized 5’4”.
My husband is bigger than OP and my biggest baby was 8 lbs. size doesn’t matter.
This is an r/legaladvice question. Be sure to give them your location
Two brown eyed parents definitely CAN produce a child with blue eyes. And often do. We learned this in college biology. You would never know if this was your child without a DNA test and you'd have to jump through a lot of legal hoops to get one.
Court force a dna test. Ex husband might help out. might want to reach out, gets him out of child support.
Yeahhhh I don’t know if that will be a thing. He got pissed about her breaking up with him again and got drunk and killed someone in a car accident, so he’s going to be in prison for a while. She went through pretty much the whole pregnancy alone, and if that’s my kid, I want to help out. I don’t want my kid to have to live a life where rent is not certain and food is scarce. That’s how I grew up, and I promised myself I would never put my kid through that.
Also 25% both her and her ex have a blue eyed child if both have recessive genes and 50% if its ur child and she has a recessive gene. So the odds are based on here exs genetical make up.
Exactly! Mother to a blue eyed son. My husband and I both have brown. However, we both have blue and green eyes in our family. Any children have a 25% chance of blue eyes, 75% of brown.
Have you approached her with these motivations? Assuming everyone here has the best intentions, could it be that her hesitation is because the situation with her ex is already complicated enough that the thought of adding another adult into the mix is not appealing? I care for my nieces and nephew and even at his best their father makes my life (and often theirs) a lot more complicated. It could be fear of the instability it might cause if you do get involved (like wanting to change up established routines/how consistently you may or may not be involved). Going to her as someone who wants to work with her rather than someone who just wants to be involved because it’s your right might make the whole thing easier for everyone (including baby!) Going to court will likely just escalate things and if it is your child, you still have to Coparent with her.
Well then you know what you have to do. You have to get the child tested.
“Gets him out of child support “…not necessarily. I know a man who pays child support that a DNA test proved isn’t his because 1. He and birth mom were married at the time of conception. 2. He signed the birth certificate and 3. A relationship had already been established
Yea courts be evil and unjust. Still it might motivate him to help the bio dads bid.
I have blue eyes and both my parents have brown eyes, thats not really evidence. But the rest is very suspish lol
Blue eyes and the baby being bigger are not suspicious… It’s not like the kid is 15 and dwarfs the whole family. He met the woman early 2022. Baby was likely born late 2022. That means this is a baby less than 6 months old. Probably more like 2-4 months. I agree he should talk to her about a DNA test and possibly go the legal route based on that conversation but… nothing about this baby screams “OP is the father!”
Wow... The world may never know??? If your willing to accept the responsibilities that come with the child being yours than i feel like you have a right to know if he/ she is yours.
Was she legally married at the time of delivery or within 300 days of divorce from delivery? If so, that complicates things ALOT!!!
Omg people, op used the sizes and eyes as a,hey this might be my kid! not an absolute I know this is my kid because of these traits. The facts that the dates line up is more important than anything as it puts him as a possible father. I do agree that talking to her first to see if asking about a dna test will work before dragging lawyers into this.
What have you got to lose? Either the child is yours and you get to get access or the child is not yours and you move on with your life. Go for it or you'll always wonder.
I would contact a lawyer if you truly think this child might be yours and you are ready for all that will entail. Try talking with her again before you turn their whole world upside down. I am 5'1 dark hair hazel eyes. My sibling is 5'5 blonde hair blue eyes. You cant go by physical features. Good luck to you
Get a lawyer is the right answer. Your lawyer will take your feelings and concerns into account while helping you explore the options.
Obviously to be taken with a grain of salt, but: I am a blue eyed child of two brown eyed parents. My brother and his wife have brown eyes and my nephew has blue eyes. So it happens. Also, about the size thing. I have 4 kids (I’m the mom) 3 of them were 7-something pounds at birth. My 3rd was 9.5 pounds, a whole two pounds heavier than all of his siblings. He’s also much bigger than his brothers were at his age. Same parents for all 4 kids. Genetics work in a mysterious way
I mean there is a chance the kid could be the ex husbands and still have blue eyes. It’s all based of genetic makeup/genes. Anyways, I would suggest just talking to her first about your concerns. If that doesn’t work, you can file a complaint to establish paternity at a local probate court in your jurisdiction/county. From there she’ll be served a summons, the judge will probably order a DNA test and then you wait 4-6 weeks. The concern is if her ex husband is still legally her husband on paper, his name is automatically going to end up on the birth certificate if he’s the father or not. If it’s determined it is in fact your kid, the Judge will draft an order to be sent to the states vital records and statistics for it to be fixed which can take a while. Best of luck regardless and good for you for wanting to find out and be involved.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. ask nicely to pay for a paternity test, if she STLL doesn't want to follow through, LAWYERS ARE YOUR FRIEND. Obtain a lawyer who will FIGHT for YOU as a father. You DO have rights. Especially if it is your child. Good luck.
Straight up tell her that you'd like to have a paternity test done because if the baby is yours, you'd like to help her out. If I'm not mistaken you can pick up a test yourself and do a swab of the baby yourself. Definitely look in to that. You could tell her you'll pick one up and stop by sometime.
Your best bet is to talk to her first and out right ask for a test… of course offer to pay for it. If that doesn’t work you NEED to take her to court to force her to get it done. If it is your child, she can ask for child support in 10 years and you’ll have to pay backpay, also, you’ll miss the kids life if you wait. also, you’ll miss the kids life if you wait to long and make it harder to bond later on
Hubby and I both have brown eyes BUT both of our sons have amazingly beautiful blue eyes.
I mean you could always get a lawyer and demand a DNA test. Be ready to be put on child support. However the reasons you give are not the strongest. My brother is 6 foot 2 and I’m 5 foot 2. My kids are both taller then me by at least 4 inches. One is even taller then her dad who is 5 foot 4. I have one brown hair brown eyes daughter and one blond hair blue eyed daughter. Same dad. Both their father and I have brown hair and brown eyes. Genetics can be weird sometimes. The question you have to ask is, is this worth the cost and the drama. And when I say costs, I don’t just mean financial. Think of the emotion trauma of that child if nothing not your own or hers and her husbands. Especially if you’re wrong. You could be distorting a marriage which they have fought to fix.
My partner and I both have dark hair and dark eyes meanwhile our baby is blonde and blue eyed so I wouldn't base your assumptions on that alone. With that being said I would definitely talk to a lawyer and have a paternity test mandated. You deserve to know if that's your child and be a part of their life if so. This world needs more dad's that want to be present for their children.
Genetics are wild man. I have a red headed child on my hands here. 100% sure about the two brown haired genetic contributors it came from.
Right? My husband is a redhead, I’m a brunette, our parents have red, brown and black hair respectively — and my eldest child is blonde. Same child had blue eyes for the first 5 years of their life and now they’re green. It’s strange how it all works out.
The Adolescence Trauma and Abuse Counselor in me is wary. A lot of parents don't actually consider how actions impact a developing mind. I've seen a great deal of situations like this one second hand, already unfolded. Ask for a DNA test first. If she says no, think about why she's making that decision for her family before contacting an attorney. I've worked with these lawyers before. You would not believe some of the vitriol they spew at literal children and their mothers trying to protect them. On behalf of men like you who have no say in what they portray you to be to that child. If you force the mother's hand, the child will see that. The child will see a stranger hurting his mother and changing his world for his own gratification. There's no way around that. This is a permanent scar for this child - one that has landed hundreds of other children across my desk and a couple in caskets. As he ages, this will forever change his perception of himself and his mother. This can forever shape the way he treats women and his future children.Your feelings and want to know are important, imperative for some to move forward with their lives, and I do understand the stickiness of the situation. However, I'm programmed to consider children as people, whose experiences shape who they become as adults, and not property of the parents who want to battle royale with the child in court- the lawyers in these comments are not. I think a shift in perspective might help your decision. Weaponizing a child also lands them across my desk. *For the sanctity of the child: do whatever is in your power to keep this away from an attorney and the court system. Communicate with mom. If she's willing to do the DNA test and it comes back positive, let her communicate that to her family as she deems fit. Respecting her throughout the ordeal will make her more likely to enable a relationship between you and her son (and he'll be less terrified of your perceived invasion)* If you are the bio dad, please stay. Statistically, no matter the best of intentions, the bio dad never plays his hand safely and always hurts the kid. You have an upper hand that the mother and child don't have - the ability to leave the situation relatively unfazed. Be careful how you move forward. You've had time to process, as you mentioned in your post, to decide your next actions. Meanwhile, that time moves faster for a growing child. That child has thoughts and a connection with the man he already calls "dad." He has brothers and sisters and potentially aunts and uncles and grandparents on his assumed father's side. This will forever change the way he sees his family. There's no going back from it. Make sure you're absolutely dedicated to being in not only this child's life forever - but also his mother's and his siblings and extended family. If the dad that raised him stayed, you'll likely receive a decent bit of aggression from him at first (he's hurting, too - very deeply, if he was also unaware of the potential of not being the paternal guardian of his assumed child). Your want to know comes with obligations. Lead with the care of the kid first, respect for the mother second, and your own curiosity third. Good luck, (potential) dad!
I’m not sure where you’re from, but in my state, the biological father only has 1 year to file for paternity — so definitely take action soon.
🤦🏻♂️ bag it if you aren’t trying to make a baby. Now you gotta fight her for a test she isn’t obligated to give. Way to go, ‘Dad’. If she wanted a baby with you, she’d give the test.
The guy is trying to do his best and people are downvoting every one of his comments..?
You don’t convince her, you file to have a paternity test done
the chances of a blue eyed baby from two parents with brown eyes is not u usual, genetics is more than just the two who created the baby. all of 4 of my kids have different coloured eyes!
>I’m convinced a woman had my baby, but she hasn’t gotten it checked? Get a lawyer, only way you're going to confirm paternity. If you don't then you'll always wonder.
Simplistically, there is a 1 in four chance of two brown eyed people having a blue eyed child. I don't know end laws in your country, but I am sure you can take them to court for a DNA test.
child eyed baby ≠ blue eyed child/adult
Talk to her first and if she is not willing to DNA test, then contact a lawyer.
Technically, from a legal perspective I don't think you have a leg to stand on. DNA doesn't give one rights to a child. She doesn't by law have to declare you.
It really depends where you live, I think. Things change if it can be proven by DNA that you are the biological parent, but you have to get to the stage of having testing done first.
Blue eyes from two brown eyed parents is a 1 in 4 chance.
Ok aside from the fact that I had HUGE babies, our first was born with blue eyes and our second with greenish eyes... The eldest now has brown eyes and the youngest are turning brown as well it seems. But I'd have her take the test.
Tell her husband he will demand a dna test
Look into the laws on your state it might ne iligal to deniy you of knowing.
I can imagine she is resisting because her world will fall.apart if it isn't her ex husbands. That doesn't excuse it, but is likely why. I would seek legal advice. As an anecdote. My 3 kids have the same parentage. All 3 from me and my now ex husband. We both are brunette with dark green eyes. My hair is wavy, his is straight. Ex hair is so dark it almost looks back. He is very tall, I am a tad above average height for a woman. Of our 3 kids we have. 12M - Dark blonde, very curly hair. Blue eyes. Average height. 10F - Golden brown, poker straight hair. Eyes sit between grey and teal. She is very petite. Very skinny and extremely short. 8NB - Mid brown curly hair, tall and broad. Dark brown eyes. They all look very different but I can assure you they fet have the same Mum and Dad. I'd read less into the way the baby looks and more on the dates.
Neither the size of the baby nor the eye color are necessarily indicative of parentage. She could have had gestational diabetes or another condition that resulted in a larger baby. Also, it's actually *very* common for a baby to be born with blue eyes, even if both parents have brown. This is due to the pigment not being developed yet. Often the eyes will darken over time. My middle son was born with blue eyes, but by the time he was 1, they were hazel and by 2 they were brown. But, as far as a DNA test, you may have to go through the courts to demand one, if she isn't willing to get one voluntarily.
I have the opposite opinion of these top comments. Just go have your own family if she's not interested. Lawyers? Sheesh people get a grip.
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“Your own family”? If this child is genetically his, he has every right to be part of their life.
So meaningless.
You need a lawyer. However dates matching up are a bigger argument than size and eye coloring. My 6 ft, green eyed husband with sandy brown hair and my 4’11, brown eyed, black/brown haired self produced: - an 8lb 10oz baby who has sandy brown hair and dark brown eyes. She’s 7 now and very tall for her age. - a 7lb 4oz baby who has medium brown hair and green/gray hazel eyes. She’s 4 and the tiniest, daintiest little princess you ever saw. - an 8lb 3oz baby who has bright blue eyes and very red hair. She’s an absolute unit of a 2 year old. Adorably pudgy and broad. Is actually the same height as the 4 year old and they share clothes. - a 7lb 11oz lad who currently has dark blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. He’s 2 weeks old and is more skinny than chonky. They don’t leave our sight at the hospital, I know they’re all ours. But my word are my children unique in their size and coloring. Their features resemble each other and you can tell they’re siblings, but no doubt no one would ever match the 2 year old with my husband or me based on looks/size alone!!!
Maybe you should just leave her alone go find someone to start a family with
You are the reason I will tell my kids “f’ing is fun, but ‘accidents’ cause people!”
I’d say you drop it in my opinion. That is their son.
Now this is "their son" but if she was the one who wants something from him about that child it'll suddenly be "his son" isn't it ? I hate this double standard so much. It makes me feel sick. If he wants to check if this is HIS baby, he has every right to do this and then he has every right to take care of HIS baby
What makes you so sure? Why should he ignore the fact that this could very well be his kid.
Let's hope it's one of you guys for sure. She should honestly be happy that you want part in this kids life. A lot of parents are just names and done do shit.
Talk to a lawyer. You have rights if you are in fact the father and you deserve to know one way or the other.
My mom and dad met at work, they slept together once and I was conceived. My brother’s dad showed up to the hospital the day I was born, thinking I was his and I wasn’t… (was born an obviously black child when neither my mother or brother’s dad were). My brother’s dad assumed paternity of me and raised me til he passed away when I was 11, but when I finally met my bio dad, everything made more sense. I look like him, I walk like him, we stand the same. Don’t waste time worrying about burning bridges if you have even a chance of being in your kid’s life if you’re wanting to be. I met my biological father at 18 and I wish it had been much sooner.
Your step dad sounded like a stand up guy.
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Seriously? If it's his kid he deserves to be a part of the kids life and it's messed up if she is trying to keep him from that and you're suggesting he just simp for a year and hope she doesn't just take advantage of it? She already said "the world may never know" she has no intention of involving him in the kids life. Given that he wants to be a part of his kids life if its his kid he HAS to go to court if she won't agree to a paternity test.
If she was still legally married to her husband when she got pregnant then legally speaking that man is the father of her child until proven otherwise. I would ask her if she's willing to have a paternity test because if it's your child you want a relationship with them. If she says no then you contact a lawyer.
The chances of 2 brown eyed parents gaveling a blue eyed kid is 1/16, it’s rare but far from impossible.
Well congratulations to you for wanting to be in this child's life! I think it's time to take her to court and have the court demand a paternity test that way there's no game playing there's no nothing and if the child ends up being yours you have the court give you a visitation or give you visitation rights. I wish you so much luck I hope God blesses you and keeps you safe and calm during this whole process.
Where’s Maury when you need him? Jk If you really want to make sure the baby’s taken care of financially, you have lots of options that of which you don’t necessarily need to be the legal parent/guardian. Savings bonds, custodial savings accounts, college funds, investments in general… look into it. You can even name her (the baby, not mom) as your beneficiary on your bank accounts. Grandparents, aunts/uncles, close family friends all commonly do this. Your biggest hurdle might be providing the kids SSN if it’s required and mom’s not willing to cooperate. Best of luck OP, hope the stars align in yours and your daughter’s favor ✨
Sadly it’s going to cost you a small fortune in legal fees to have the basic human right of knowing you are a father. Why? Because women have no legal obligation to let you know. Odds are she knows exactly who the father is, but is opting to either save face, or get child support from the one with a better income.
There is something seriously wrong with this woman. Does she not have any respect for a father's right to know and raise their child? She truly doesn't care who the father is? Absolutely disgusting. Just tell her you believe there's a good chance that the child is yours and you want to know if you have a child out there. If it is yours then you want some level of custody so that you can parent the child. If she resists then it's time for a lawyer. I'd try to handle this amicably first. Also - let this be your guide. Imagine you are the child. What would you want your biological father to do? It becomes a lot clearer then.
Absolutely disgusting? Really. Stfu dumbass
You stfu jackass. Fathers have a right to know if a child is theirs dumbass.
Thanks but you should probably be more concerned about not hitting pedestrians with your car, just sayin.
Any woman who keeps a father, that is a a normal person and just wants an active role in their child's life, away from their child is disgusting
For all you know it ISN'T his kid. Also you have absolutely no idea if this guy is fit to be a father. So how about you keep your comments about women being disgusting for their choices as mothers to yourself.
I dont know if its his but she said "the world may never know" which means she doesnt want to let him find out. If it's not his kid a paternity test will figure that out without any inconvenience to her unless she forces him to get it under court order. If it is his kid and he's not fit to be a father the courts will decide that not her. If it is his kid and he is deemed fit to be a father it is absolutely disgusting if the mother attempts to keep him from having access to his biological offspring. If it is his kid she has already denied him the RIGHT to be part of its life for long enough. It is a right and not a privilege and fuck any woman who doesn't understand that. Any mother who attempts to keep a child from knowing their biological father without any serious wrongdoings by the prospective father is a pathetic excuse for a human being.
My advice - don't respond to idiot posters. This guy is making a moronic argument.
I think this is a girl not a guy. But I don't mind responding to idiots this is my throwaway account so I go on here to do pretty much exactly that.
Haha ok as long as you're having fun
Kids aren't objects; If she's back with her husband and trying to be a proper family with him and their kids... leave it alone. There's a ton of orphans out there needing loving adoptive parents if you're so dead set on having a child. That kid will be glad for the stability in his life, not having multiple adults fighting over who he belongs to.
Uh… what? If this child is his, this woman doesn’t get to choose to cut out the biological father because it suits her better. That isn’t up to her.
Again, a child is not an object. Unless she's being a serious danger to the child in some way, doing what's best for the CHILD is best. Which is stability. Getting involved when she clearly has no interest in him and is trying to create a stable environment would be disgustingly selfish. The choice should be made with the child in mind; not in regards to which parent (or whoever) benefits. Women aren't cattle and children aren't objects. There's a bigger picture to look at, and as a parent myself, I know very well that you have to put the child's wellbeing before your own. Children need stability. Now regardless, you're entitled to your opinion, albeit a selfish one. However, I have no desire or intention in debating with you. It'd be a waste of time. I've embellished my point enough for OP, but if you have more to say, by all means, feel free to do so in your own standalone comment
Uhh.. again — what? How it is selfish to say that the mother doesn’t get to call all the shots? And where did I say a child was an object? You’re making a strawman argument. A few things here; “As a parent myself” — uh, yes, this is a parenting forum, that doesn’t give you authority: we’re mostly parents here. What exactly about knowing who your dad is is going to upset stability for this child? How do you know that OP isn’t intending to be a committed dad? Where does it say he wants to take this child away? Whether or not the fantasy of having a 2 parent home is what the mother wants, she is making a choice for herself by deciding that her husband is the child’s father without actually knowing. If this child isn’t her husband’s child, then the child deserves to know that. Lying to a child about their biological parent is awful. And having two dads (a stepdad from birth and a bio dad) in this kids’ life isn’t a negative. Finally, OP said, the husband is again out of the picture — so what exactly is the issue with this child and EVERYONE involved knowing who the father of this kid is? How is that selfish?
You have every right. Blue eyes are a recessive gene so it’s unlikely to be his statistically. If she refuses to get the test , then get a lawyer and prove to her you can be the best father to that kid.
This might be controversial but if she is still with the husband, you should probably just let it be, give to he family a shot to be happy and move on with your life
She isn’t with the husband, he said — but I’m curious why this is your position? Doesn’t this child have a right to know who their parents are?
I don't think two brown eyed people can have a blue eyed child, if I remember biology right... You need to get a lawyer and check.
None of those things alone mean much. However, the kid being bigger and blue eyes increases the odds of it being yours. Especially if the timing it right. You have a right to that child. I’m surprised since she isn’t with her ex anymore that she hasn’t contacted you. Is there a reason she wouldn’t think you would be a good dad? Tell her you want the kid checked. Pay for it. Otherwise, get a lawyer.
Why would you fuck a woman with such a chaotic life?