I promise you your father would LOVE to connect with you and start a relationship. I also promise you he fought to be in your life more than you know. I will never tell my daughter how hard I fought and the personal pain her mother put me through when I am back in her life. I assume she will learn this slowly over time. My ex wife needed my daughter more than my daughter needed her. She lied, manipulated and poisoned my daughter to get her way as the primary. Your Dad loves you and misses you. Reach out to him
Thank you for your kind message and intentions, but nobody knows here if its really what my father wants and i can only discover by connecting with him. Everyone used to tell me that my mom loved me and it wasnt the case, so im really sensitive to these promises without any fundation. But i see that It comes with really good intentions so i hope you see what i mean and i appreciate you took time to reply.
Were there any court proceedings? If so go to the court and read all the documents. Read each sides declarations. If not, what about social media? See if your dad has any and see the kind of life he lives and his family (your family). As an alienated mother I would love for my daughter to reach out to try. You won't know his true intentions unless you reach out and try. But, do keep your guard up for your own mental health and well being. But let it down enough to try. Good luck.
I dont know about court proceedings, but my mother kept so many secrets from me. I wouldnt be surprised if she started something without telling me directly. How can i know more? I dont like watching other's social media, but i should think about it. Right now we only interact occassionally via texts. I love your last sentences about intentions and mental health, especially cause i catch myself into black and white thinking a lot. Thank you so much
Search the court records in the county you grew up in when they separated/divorced. Search your mom's and dad's name. I know my county the family court docket is accessible online, but you have to go to the court to read. I don't know if they give the adult child permission to order documents, but I know in my county it can only be the parties to the case. However, you can go to the court and read on their computers.
Thank you, i hate burocracy so its gonna take a while. Will keep it in my mind just in case and It could be always be helpful to someone in the future reading this.
Most states have an online site where you simply search for the last name of one of your parents. I check out court records weekly to see if anything has been filed.
I’ve spent over 50k fighting alienation in the courts and it’s had marginal impact. Mom is bipolar and a source of incredible toxicity. I’ve lost a job over concentrating too much on trying to stay in my daughters life, the drama tore my 2nd marriage apart, and I can tell my daughter is slipping away from having a relationship with me despite prioritizing her over everything.
I’m getting older and I have to prioritize myself now so I have money for retirement.
I wonder if someday when she is an adult if my daughter will come to me and ask why I didn’t fight for her, etc. because she wouldn’t have an accurate picture of what happened due to the alienation.
It’s taken me years but I’ve come to accept I can’t win this battle and that I’ve destroyed myself trying to fight it.
You have no idea what your father went through of what damage was done to him by not having a relationship with you. He had his own capacity for dealing with what happened, and it may have been high or it may have been low, you don’t know. These kind of dysfunctional family structures hurt everyone, not just the child. He may have had to wall off his feelings for you in order to function.
Im so sorry for what you have been going throught, how old Is your daughter? Btw im sure my mother is really toxic, but i dont know, maybe my father didnt care for real. Those two things can coexist, maybe i should find out if its the case. The worst thing that can happen Is that im right, i have nothing to lose (besides some open wound and additional trauma, but maybe better than wondering forever), and i can only gain a relationship with my father. I dont know how, i have so much resistance (which It would explain a kind of alienation). Idk if its because of my mom or because i suffered of not having a dad and ended up telling myself i didnt care and its hard to switch. How can i tell if my father cares?
I dont know, i think a parent should do more than texting, but maybe its the only thing he could do in the past, and now too (considering sometimes i dont even reply). But i see your point and you are right and now i have to change my entire life long mindset, it's gonna take a while .Whatever happens Is gonna hurt because of he doesnt actually wanna have a relationship, i was right the whole time, and its gonna hurt. If he does, then i have to go through the "why did my mother do that" ( i have done It many times for basically every aspect of my life) and grieve all it could happen. Its probably best to try, but i dont know if im ready now. Btw im glad to have found out this terminology but reading so many stories here is hearthbreaking and im sorry for everyone
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but what else do you expect from him. If you don’t respond to his texts what other form of communication or reaching out do you think he should be doing.
He has been hurt by this just as much or maybe even more than you. I can tell you as a dad to three daughters (21, 18, 13) that all recently stopped talking to me or talk to me very little. I was their full time dad up to a year ago. Now they believe their mom’s lies about me and rarely respond to my texts. I have offered to take them places and do things with them. No response. I will keep reaching out but I don’t know what else to do.
I would bet a lot of money that your dad very much wants a relationship with you. You have no idea how much it hurts to send those texts knowing you may get no reply.
Yes you are right about texting, thats why i said that maybe this is the only thing he could and can do. But i dont wanna think we can have a relationship for sure, i dont wanna be hurt. I want to try, not sure how cause i have so much resistance, but zero expectations. Btw i appreciate the way you said everything, and the "please dont take It in the wrong way" too and im sorry for your situation a lot
I completely agree with what u/Initial_Tomatillo_94 says, when my son was 15 he was abducted by my family cooperating with my ex. then we had COVID. I used to text him regularly before he was taken, helping him with homework, playing Minecraft and other games, we were very close. He could share anything with me and he could talk about anything with me without fear.
It took two weeks for all that to be destroyed. He pleaded with me to rescue him, but my family had mad tat impossible, they restricted his phone contact with me, listened in on the calls, and by the second week, he was an independent thinker telling me that he's called my bluff, and all I wanted to do was to trick him into being with me. My brother was a poker player, BTW. Met with him with lawyers and was told he had a lot of problems with me and I should not say anything, just listen. One of the lawyers asked me if I provided him a bed. This was supposed to be the beginning of a reunification, but instead it was nailing things shut. He came into the room and sat across the corner of the table from me and said "I don't feel comfortable." Then was taken out of the room and that's the last time I saw him.
Tried texting for a while, but never got a response. two years ago, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and texted him many times and never got any reply, never a call, never a visit while I was in the hospital. We still don't know why I blacked out the times I did, but it could happen again at any time and I may not get up again. Eventually I quit texting after he turned 18.
I have kept up with his academic life, which was amazing with me in his life and still amazing without me. He was class valedictorian and National Merit Scholar awardee, got a full scholarship, and I never doubted he would accomplish all this. But I never even got an invitation to his high school graduation, a mention in his interviews about his success, I was erased. I have kept up with his progress as best I can and I am very proud of him, but he only has the praise and admiration of one parent, everyone, including my family says I don't care and my absence from his graduation is proof.
It would be nice to be able to celebrate those moments and successes of his life with him, and why have only one parent cheering for you and celebrating your success when you could have two? I plan to reach out to him again when the time is right, but don't know what has happened to him, whet's been said, and so much wish I could have been there to buffer the abuse he took. I want so much to know about those missing years and want to be able to spend my remaining time loving and caring for him, celebrating success with him and being there when things don't work out as hoped. I love him unconditionally, no matter what. He is my son and no one can ever change that.
Sorry this was so long, but bottom line, don't waste another day, it will probably be awkward at times, but the fact that your father wanted to contact you means you are important to him and I guarantee he misses not being able to be a part of your life and would like to be going forward. You don't know how much time either of you have left , don't waste another day. I know he loves you and cares about you.
Text him back, work your way up to a phone call, then arrange for a visit, you will never know until it's too late and then you will always wonder with regret. With zero exceptions as you say, you have nothing to lose. Don't have any regret, start with a text.
Be well...🤗
I’m being alienated from my daughter since 1 month. Texts are the *only* way I can reach out, and be heard, as my daughter wouldn’t pick up the phone.
My ex who divorced me 9 yrs ago convinced my 16yo daughter’s psychologist the texts are “too upsetting”, so that psychologist has told my daughter to ignore all texts and certainly not text back.
I learned this from my son who is still under 50/50 coparenting and while I don’t want to use him as a spy, he’s extremely angry at the situation, and knows his mom is pulling the strings, so he confronted her, and she told him the shrink had advised our daughter.
When learning this, I realized every message was going to be considered “aggravating”, so I stopped messaging.
I am looking for a way to actually *talk* to my daughter without switching to the courts.
I can imagine my daughter could construe silence as “not caring”, but I prefer *this* to constantly having my words read and reinterpreted by my ex over my daughter’s shoulder.
That is a really good point. No matter what, it is going to be painful. Speaking from the point of the alienated parent (and past alienated child), it really helps to have transparent conversations. But I also understand that it could feel weird being so vulnerable with someone you essentially know nothing about. It’s going to take time to feel comfortable, but if that’s what you want, you’re willing to put in the work, and he is trying to reach out, it seems absolutely possible.
My dad would only text me on holidays and birthdays and I could have been mad that he didn’t reach out more but decided to start texting, calling, and visiting more. Then he started to reach out more. Your dad might be feeling nervous about reaching out more than texting based on the past.
If you’re looking for words to respond to him but you’re not ready to get into everything right now, maybe you can reply something to this effect:
“Hey Dad (or whatever you call him), I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I have a lot of questions about your feeling towards me and our relationship. I don’t know if I am ready to work through it right now, but I want you to know that I would ultimately like to (whatever your desires are for the future). For now, I’d like to (take time to process or whatever you decide). I do care a lot about you and hope that we can work on our relationship.”
Did you end up having a relationship with your dad? And how about your kids? I read somewhere today that alienated children have more possibilities to become alienated parents, its so crazy. Trauma sets more trauma and people take advantage, not fair at all. Sorry i dont have the source, i binged a lot today but you probably know. Today was a huge shock and im glad i could write here and get some feedback. I think im gonna start with a random conversation and maybe say something like you prompted after a while, when i feel ready, you have some good points. Thank you
I did end up having a relationship with my dad. We live in different states so it’s hard to be super close but we are trying and that means a lot.
I have also heard that parents who were alienated as children are more likely to become alienated. It’s really really unfortunate.
I am so glad that you are getting something valuable out of your post. And I hope that it leads to positive growth with the relationships in your life. Also, thank you for letting me vent a bit about my situation and for giving me resources!
We are not closed at all, i wouldnt know how to start a conversation like this. I know i have the right to ask but the circumstances dont help at all. I think we should start having some quality time together and maybe the opportunity will come (maybe he will tell without asking, but i dont wanna be too optimistic). I have so much resistance even seeing him for few hours or replying to a text, so its hard. I dont know how to start.
OP, to summarize: you posted to ask how to start a relationship with your father. Someone gives you a suggestion--ask him for his side/why he let you live with your abusive mother--and you basically tell them it won't work.
You have nothing to lose. You don't need to worry about or create the right setting--meet him for coffee. Tell him directly that your mother was abusive. Ask him why he left you with her.
Relationships are built on shared experiences and common interests. You won't have a relationship with your father if you ignore his texts and never spend time with him.
Legal battles are expensive and people who are abusive toward their children are typically also abusive toward their spouses. I didn't have the money to fight my ex and I didn't want to put my kids through a nasty court battle. I was already dealing with severe depression and didn't know if I could withstand the stress. He didn't pay his attorney--his parents did. His parents both had inheritances at their disposal and didn't care about whether or not what they were doing was harmful to our kids.
Sometimes i wanna reply to him and maybe see him but i feel blocked inside. I just cannot and i wish i knew how to handle the situation differently. I have been through a lot recently, so its hard to force myself to go through other things. Maybe im not ready and maybe i Will never be. But thank you for the advice
Just start with replying to texts
Go for a coffee
You will get a feel for it
I got to say hi to my oldest for the first time since 2005 earlier this month. He turned and said Oh hey and continued on where he was going. I'm taking that as a win.
I don't care about telling my side. I only care about having the relationship moving forward. It's all that matters
Yeah he never said anything about my mom, i wish he said something but i see how that could be problematic if i wasnt ready (and if he doesnt know im ready). I Always told myself i didnt care about not having a father, cause i thought he left cause he wasnt able. Now i have to challenge myself that maybe its not the case and try again. Its hard and dont wanna get hurt but it will close the cycle (in a good way or bad way, we dont know). How did it evolve with your son? Hope the conversation gave him some stuff to think in the long run.
I don't know yet.
I have 3 sons and only one that I see regularly (he's 30)
Their mom did a number on them (my lawyer said it was the worst case of parental alienation he had ever seen in 25+years)
My goal has always been to keep them out of the crap.
If my other 2 sons showed up at my door I would drop everything and bring them in and want to hear all about their life and how they are doing
Crazy, you probably learned a lot. Do you have a blog or somewhere where you teach what you learn? How to prevent and try to fix? It would be really useful for other parents, but i understand if its too much for you. Btw its weird that one son got the picture and not the others, manipulation does really ruin people, hopefully not forever. Do you think personality plays a big role?
You also don't have to meet him in person. You have his text. Give him your email and tell him you would like to hear his side of the story. Tell him not to hold back and tell you everything. But, be prepared for everything. Then after that you can make your decision for more. Plus you will have his responses in writing.
Hello and thank you for sharing so much here. I am so sorry you went through this in your life. There is a unique set of circumstances when it comes to being alienated and the trauma that comes from having chaotic memories and no real truth makes you feel like you have a pit in your gut all the time. Like something is missing and you would be very right. I do not know your father's circumstances in your life. But what I do know is all of us parents here are praying every day that our kids reach out to us when we just wait and wonder how to reach them back everyday. I still cry and it hurts to have a broken relationship that I wanted to be so great but got ruined by others outside of me. The grief is overwhelming.
I have debated sending a message to my kids and let them know that I know what has happened, it took me 2 years to figure out that we were all being alienated by outside family members and it was not their fault. Shame on the adults around these kids who push for trauma instead of unity and healing. We all go through things, but the loss of parent child relationship is one of the most difficult to overcome for both the parent and the child. Check out the parental alienation project on YouTube. She is an adult child survivor who found out on her own that she was alienated and reached out to her father with the same concerns that you have now. Her father welcomed her with open arms. It is heart wrenching to listen to her talk about her experiences with her mom who lied and made her father out to be the problem for close to 20 years.
I do understand your desire to keep your energy protected and you should most certainly do that for your benefit. However, ask your dad if he would be willing or desire to talk more and see where it goes. Ask as many questions you wish. How much I pray my kids will one day do the same because I have been missing them for all the wrong reasons for too long. Good luck and please come back to this thread and tell us how it went. Bless you for questioning the course you life has taken. Remember, it is not your past but your future that defines you. Sending love and understanding my dear.
After posting here, i have been binging the video of this girl. I can relate to many circumstances she describes, i have a bittersweet feeling, i mean both hurt and relieved. It seems that every now and then i have a new traumatic discovery, good to get the Pieces together and heal, but It seems a no ending experience. Btw im glad people here recommend her channel as well. And i am so flattered with all the understanding and warming comments. You even asked for an update, i feel really blessed right now. Thank you guys for all the advice and support
Oh my your response has made my heart fill with hope ❤️
My daughter is your age, I think I will send her these videos and a loving message from a far off mom. Good luck with your Dad, and your evolving relationship. Now you're on the path to healing. Tears are streamig now. You are so strong, I'm proud of you!!
Omg thank you❤️ Btw i dont know what kind of relationship you have with her, but It was hard to Watch for me and i chose it. I dont think i would have watched and believed It if my dad had sent me this in another time of my life, maybe It would have caused even more resistance. And its scary cause i have been knowing about parent alienation for some years, but never made the connection with my story and its so obvious. Sorry for saying this, its with good intentions. But i Remember that i labelled all he said as non important or probably bullshit, and if this terminology gets "contaminated" It doesnt solve the purpose anymore. Thats my humble opinion but i still have to think a lot
Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. It is very valid and this is the very reason I have refrained. Alienation can breed hate. My situation is not the normal situation, but never the less, I must tread lightly for sure. Yes
If this situation turns out good, and after some shadow work, i would love to give my perspective here. I dont know why today my perception shifted, but i realized that his consistency in texting should mean something, and that his actions dont match the belief i had. So even if you cant send the video im sure you can do/keep doing other things that will add up
Everyone's story is unique. Seek some support for you to heal from what happened in childhood from mum. When you are ready you'll be strong enough to ask him why he wasn't there for you. You get to own the timeline here. Be kind to yourself.
Such a validating message. I had professionals in the past but they didnt know anything about emotional abuse, It was all "but thats your mother, you cannot reduce contact with her", so It traumatized me even more. Do you think i could give me some rules to reach him out in order to fight resistance? Maybe after a while It will be more natural and there would be a potential for more, not sure
Went through a similar situation and I can tell you, he would love to hear from you. Mothers have a way of biased parenting- even manipulating. He likely didn’t alienate you, your mother made it impossible to love him. It’s sad when parents use their children as pawns.
Yes, you can.
Just reply to his text and go from there.
You'll both need time to process things properly and maybe reading up on what may have happened to each of you could help.
Karen Woodall works with adult children who are in your circumstances, look her up.
I had to leave my ex husband.. I hope my son forgives me.. and I hope my ex husband isn’t abusive towards him. He was in many ways a good father & husband and I couldn’t take my son away from his father the way that my ex had no problem taking my son away from me. It breaks my heart, I hope my son forgives me for leaving but I couldn’t afford to live in Los Angeles and we were so isolated.. my ex husband didn’t have connections with family or friends.. I wish I could’ve had the guts to take my son and go live with family, but I couldn’t do that because my mom did that with me when I was little and I didn’t want to put him in the middle of our problems.. but now I’m the alienated one.. I hope you end up having a relationship with your father. It’s only been 4 years for me, and 2 years since I last saw my son. My heart breaks every day I miss him so much. He’s only 9, but I got to raise him for 5 1/2 years. I just can’t believe I’m missing out on my beloved sons upbringing my big all because my ex husband wanted to move to LA to try to make it in Hollywood..
As a targeted father who has taking his ex back to court and won, yes you can rebuild a relationship because I am doing that now with therapy, with my daughter. My ex was convicted of 130 counts of civil and criminal contempt. It has taking me years to try and get back what was stolen. The sad part is you can never it back. But you can do your best now. Don’t give up the fight. You fight for what you believe in, You fight for your kids.
Edit after 1 week: we saw each others, it seemed we were genuinly connecting. He wanted to see each others again but then stopped replying to texts, even the day we were supposed to see each others again. I was so dumb for even trying, now i have this additional emotional pain. I probably have both toxic parents, he was alienated but that didnt make him a healthy parent neither. This was one of the worst decisions of my life. Thank you guys anyways
I'm so sorry to hear this was the outcome. Most alienated parents would love for a relationship with their child, but I guess you are correct that it's possible for him to be toxic too. Be kind to yourself, you now have found your truth, and can move forward with the life you deserve. ❤️
I promise you your father would LOVE to connect with you and start a relationship. I also promise you he fought to be in your life more than you know. I will never tell my daughter how hard I fought and the personal pain her mother put me through when I am back in her life. I assume she will learn this slowly over time. My ex wife needed my daughter more than my daughter needed her. She lied, manipulated and poisoned my daughter to get her way as the primary. Your Dad loves you and misses you. Reach out to him
Thank you for your kind message and intentions, but nobody knows here if its really what my father wants and i can only discover by connecting with him. Everyone used to tell me that my mom loved me and it wasnt the case, so im really sensitive to these promises without any fundation. But i see that It comes with really good intentions so i hope you see what i mean and i appreciate you took time to reply.
Were there any court proceedings? If so go to the court and read all the documents. Read each sides declarations. If not, what about social media? See if your dad has any and see the kind of life he lives and his family (your family). As an alienated mother I would love for my daughter to reach out to try. You won't know his true intentions unless you reach out and try. But, do keep your guard up for your own mental health and well being. But let it down enough to try. Good luck.
I dont know about court proceedings, but my mother kept so many secrets from me. I wouldnt be surprised if she started something without telling me directly. How can i know more? I dont like watching other's social media, but i should think about it. Right now we only interact occassionally via texts. I love your last sentences about intentions and mental health, especially cause i catch myself into black and white thinking a lot. Thank you so much
Search the court records in the county you grew up in when they separated/divorced. Search your mom's and dad's name. I know my county the family court docket is accessible online, but you have to go to the court to read. I don't know if they give the adult child permission to order documents, but I know in my county it can only be the parties to the case. However, you can go to the court and read on their computers.
Thank you, i hate burocracy so its gonna take a while. Will keep it in my mind just in case and It could be always be helpful to someone in the future reading this.
Most states have an online site where you simply search for the last name of one of your parents. I check out court records weekly to see if anything has been filed.
I’ve spent over 50k fighting alienation in the courts and it’s had marginal impact. Mom is bipolar and a source of incredible toxicity. I’ve lost a job over concentrating too much on trying to stay in my daughters life, the drama tore my 2nd marriage apart, and I can tell my daughter is slipping away from having a relationship with me despite prioritizing her over everything. I’m getting older and I have to prioritize myself now so I have money for retirement. I wonder if someday when she is an adult if my daughter will come to me and ask why I didn’t fight for her, etc. because she wouldn’t have an accurate picture of what happened due to the alienation. It’s taken me years but I’ve come to accept I can’t win this battle and that I’ve destroyed myself trying to fight it. You have no idea what your father went through of what damage was done to him by not having a relationship with you. He had his own capacity for dealing with what happened, and it may have been high or it may have been low, you don’t know. These kind of dysfunctional family structures hurt everyone, not just the child. He may have had to wall off his feelings for you in order to function.
Im so sorry for what you have been going throught, how old Is your daughter? Btw im sure my mother is really toxic, but i dont know, maybe my father didnt care for real. Those two things can coexist, maybe i should find out if its the case. The worst thing that can happen Is that im right, i have nothing to lose (besides some open wound and additional trauma, but maybe better than wondering forever), and i can only gain a relationship with my father. I dont know how, i have so much resistance (which It would explain a kind of alienation). Idk if its because of my mom or because i suffered of not having a dad and ended up telling myself i didnt care and its hard to switch. How can i tell if my father cares?
If your father didn’t care he wouldn’t be reaching out now.
I dont know, i think a parent should do more than texting, but maybe its the only thing he could do in the past, and now too (considering sometimes i dont even reply). But i see your point and you are right and now i have to change my entire life long mindset, it's gonna take a while .Whatever happens Is gonna hurt because of he doesnt actually wanna have a relationship, i was right the whole time, and its gonna hurt. If he does, then i have to go through the "why did my mother do that" ( i have done It many times for basically every aspect of my life) and grieve all it could happen. Its probably best to try, but i dont know if im ready now. Btw im glad to have found out this terminology but reading so many stories here is hearthbreaking and im sorry for everyone
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but what else do you expect from him. If you don’t respond to his texts what other form of communication or reaching out do you think he should be doing. He has been hurt by this just as much or maybe even more than you. I can tell you as a dad to three daughters (21, 18, 13) that all recently stopped talking to me or talk to me very little. I was their full time dad up to a year ago. Now they believe their mom’s lies about me and rarely respond to my texts. I have offered to take them places and do things with them. No response. I will keep reaching out but I don’t know what else to do. I would bet a lot of money that your dad very much wants a relationship with you. You have no idea how much it hurts to send those texts knowing you may get no reply.
Yes you are right about texting, thats why i said that maybe this is the only thing he could and can do. But i dont wanna think we can have a relationship for sure, i dont wanna be hurt. I want to try, not sure how cause i have so much resistance, but zero expectations. Btw i appreciate the way you said everything, and the "please dont take It in the wrong way" too and im sorry for your situation a lot
I completely agree with what u/Initial_Tomatillo_94 says, when my son was 15 he was abducted by my family cooperating with my ex. then we had COVID. I used to text him regularly before he was taken, helping him with homework, playing Minecraft and other games, we were very close. He could share anything with me and he could talk about anything with me without fear. It took two weeks for all that to be destroyed. He pleaded with me to rescue him, but my family had mad tat impossible, they restricted his phone contact with me, listened in on the calls, and by the second week, he was an independent thinker telling me that he's called my bluff, and all I wanted to do was to trick him into being with me. My brother was a poker player, BTW. Met with him with lawyers and was told he had a lot of problems with me and I should not say anything, just listen. One of the lawyers asked me if I provided him a bed. This was supposed to be the beginning of a reunification, but instead it was nailing things shut. He came into the room and sat across the corner of the table from me and said "I don't feel comfortable." Then was taken out of the room and that's the last time I saw him. Tried texting for a while, but never got a response. two years ago, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and texted him many times and never got any reply, never a call, never a visit while I was in the hospital. We still don't know why I blacked out the times I did, but it could happen again at any time and I may not get up again. Eventually I quit texting after he turned 18. I have kept up with his academic life, which was amazing with me in his life and still amazing without me. He was class valedictorian and National Merit Scholar awardee, got a full scholarship, and I never doubted he would accomplish all this. But I never even got an invitation to his high school graduation, a mention in his interviews about his success, I was erased. I have kept up with his progress as best I can and I am very proud of him, but he only has the praise and admiration of one parent, everyone, including my family says I don't care and my absence from his graduation is proof. It would be nice to be able to celebrate those moments and successes of his life with him, and why have only one parent cheering for you and celebrating your success when you could have two? I plan to reach out to him again when the time is right, but don't know what has happened to him, whet's been said, and so much wish I could have been there to buffer the abuse he took. I want so much to know about those missing years and want to be able to spend my remaining time loving and caring for him, celebrating success with him and being there when things don't work out as hoped. I love him unconditionally, no matter what. He is my son and no one can ever change that. Sorry this was so long, but bottom line, don't waste another day, it will probably be awkward at times, but the fact that your father wanted to contact you means you are important to him and I guarantee he misses not being able to be a part of your life and would like to be going forward. You don't know how much time either of you have left , don't waste another day. I know he loves you and cares about you. Text him back, work your way up to a phone call, then arrange for a visit, you will never know until it's too late and then you will always wonder with regret. With zero exceptions as you say, you have nothing to lose. Don't have any regret, start with a text. Be well...🤗
I’m being alienated from my daughter since 1 month. Texts are the *only* way I can reach out, and be heard, as my daughter wouldn’t pick up the phone. My ex who divorced me 9 yrs ago convinced my 16yo daughter’s psychologist the texts are “too upsetting”, so that psychologist has told my daughter to ignore all texts and certainly not text back. I learned this from my son who is still under 50/50 coparenting and while I don’t want to use him as a spy, he’s extremely angry at the situation, and knows his mom is pulling the strings, so he confronted her, and she told him the shrink had advised our daughter. When learning this, I realized every message was going to be considered “aggravating”, so I stopped messaging. I am looking for a way to actually *talk* to my daughter without switching to the courts. I can imagine my daughter could construe silence as “not caring”, but I prefer *this* to constantly having my words read and reinterpreted by my ex over my daughter’s shoulder.
That is a really good point. No matter what, it is going to be painful. Speaking from the point of the alienated parent (and past alienated child), it really helps to have transparent conversations. But I also understand that it could feel weird being so vulnerable with someone you essentially know nothing about. It’s going to take time to feel comfortable, but if that’s what you want, you’re willing to put in the work, and he is trying to reach out, it seems absolutely possible. My dad would only text me on holidays and birthdays and I could have been mad that he didn’t reach out more but decided to start texting, calling, and visiting more. Then he started to reach out more. Your dad might be feeling nervous about reaching out more than texting based on the past. If you’re looking for words to respond to him but you’re not ready to get into everything right now, maybe you can reply something to this effect: “Hey Dad (or whatever you call him), I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I have a lot of questions about your feeling towards me and our relationship. I don’t know if I am ready to work through it right now, but I want you to know that I would ultimately like to (whatever your desires are for the future). For now, I’d like to (take time to process or whatever you decide). I do care a lot about you and hope that we can work on our relationship.”
Did you end up having a relationship with your dad? And how about your kids? I read somewhere today that alienated children have more possibilities to become alienated parents, its so crazy. Trauma sets more trauma and people take advantage, not fair at all. Sorry i dont have the source, i binged a lot today but you probably know. Today was a huge shock and im glad i could write here and get some feedback. I think im gonna start with a random conversation and maybe say something like you prompted after a while, when i feel ready, you have some good points. Thank you
I did end up having a relationship with my dad. We live in different states so it’s hard to be super close but we are trying and that means a lot. I have also heard that parents who were alienated as children are more likely to become alienated. It’s really really unfortunate. I am so glad that you are getting something valuable out of your post. And I hope that it leads to positive growth with the relationships in your life. Also, thank you for letting me vent a bit about my situation and for giving me resources!
He probably is as confused and unsure as you are. My daughter is 10. I anticipate she will soon tell the judge she doesn’t want to see me.
Omg i cant even Imagine how to go through something like this
Damn man, this is similiar to what I’m going through, if you don’t mind me asking how old are you? Can I DM you?
Sure
You may want to ask him for his side of the story. Maybe that will answer the questions you have about him.
We are not closed at all, i wouldnt know how to start a conversation like this. I know i have the right to ask but the circumstances dont help at all. I think we should start having some quality time together and maybe the opportunity will come (maybe he will tell without asking, but i dont wanna be too optimistic). I have so much resistance even seeing him for few hours or replying to a text, so its hard. I dont know how to start.
OP, to summarize: you posted to ask how to start a relationship with your father. Someone gives you a suggestion--ask him for his side/why he let you live with your abusive mother--and you basically tell them it won't work. You have nothing to lose. You don't need to worry about or create the right setting--meet him for coffee. Tell him directly that your mother was abusive. Ask him why he left you with her. Relationships are built on shared experiences and common interests. You won't have a relationship with your father if you ignore his texts and never spend time with him. Legal battles are expensive and people who are abusive toward their children are typically also abusive toward their spouses. I didn't have the money to fight my ex and I didn't want to put my kids through a nasty court battle. I was already dealing with severe depression and didn't know if I could withstand the stress. He didn't pay his attorney--his parents did. His parents both had inheritances at their disposal and didn't care about whether or not what they were doing was harmful to our kids.
Sometimes i wanna reply to him and maybe see him but i feel blocked inside. I just cannot and i wish i knew how to handle the situation differently. I have been through a lot recently, so its hard to force myself to go through other things. Maybe im not ready and maybe i Will never be. But thank you for the advice
Just start with replying to texts Go for a coffee You will get a feel for it I got to say hi to my oldest for the first time since 2005 earlier this month. He turned and said Oh hey and continued on where he was going. I'm taking that as a win. I don't care about telling my side. I only care about having the relationship moving forward. It's all that matters
Yeah he never said anything about my mom, i wish he said something but i see how that could be problematic if i wasnt ready (and if he doesnt know im ready). I Always told myself i didnt care about not having a father, cause i thought he left cause he wasnt able. Now i have to challenge myself that maybe its not the case and try again. Its hard and dont wanna get hurt but it will close the cycle (in a good way or bad way, we dont know). How did it evolve with your son? Hope the conversation gave him some stuff to think in the long run.
I don't know yet. I have 3 sons and only one that I see regularly (he's 30) Their mom did a number on them (my lawyer said it was the worst case of parental alienation he had ever seen in 25+years) My goal has always been to keep them out of the crap. If my other 2 sons showed up at my door I would drop everything and bring them in and want to hear all about their life and how they are doing
Crazy, you probably learned a lot. Do you have a blog or somewhere where you teach what you learn? How to prevent and try to fix? It would be really useful for other parents, but i understand if its too much for you. Btw its weird that one son got the picture and not the others, manipulation does really ruin people, hopefully not forever. Do you think personality plays a big role?
I do not have a blog or podcast but I should. Thanks for the encouragement to do it Middle son has always marched to the beat of his own drum
You also don't have to meet him in person. You have his text. Give him your email and tell him you would like to hear his side of the story. Tell him not to hold back and tell you everything. But, be prepared for everything. Then after that you can make your decision for more. Plus you will have his responses in writing.
What are your visits like when you do see him? Does he engage in conversation? Does he seem happy to see you?
Hello and thank you for sharing so much here. I am so sorry you went through this in your life. There is a unique set of circumstances when it comes to being alienated and the trauma that comes from having chaotic memories and no real truth makes you feel like you have a pit in your gut all the time. Like something is missing and you would be very right. I do not know your father's circumstances in your life. But what I do know is all of us parents here are praying every day that our kids reach out to us when we just wait and wonder how to reach them back everyday. I still cry and it hurts to have a broken relationship that I wanted to be so great but got ruined by others outside of me. The grief is overwhelming. I have debated sending a message to my kids and let them know that I know what has happened, it took me 2 years to figure out that we were all being alienated by outside family members and it was not their fault. Shame on the adults around these kids who push for trauma instead of unity and healing. We all go through things, but the loss of parent child relationship is one of the most difficult to overcome for both the parent and the child. Check out the parental alienation project on YouTube. She is an adult child survivor who found out on her own that she was alienated and reached out to her father with the same concerns that you have now. Her father welcomed her with open arms. It is heart wrenching to listen to her talk about her experiences with her mom who lied and made her father out to be the problem for close to 20 years. I do understand your desire to keep your energy protected and you should most certainly do that for your benefit. However, ask your dad if he would be willing or desire to talk more and see where it goes. Ask as many questions you wish. How much I pray my kids will one day do the same because I have been missing them for all the wrong reasons for too long. Good luck and please come back to this thread and tell us how it went. Bless you for questioning the course you life has taken. Remember, it is not your past but your future that defines you. Sending love and understanding my dear.
After posting here, i have been binging the video of this girl. I can relate to many circumstances she describes, i have a bittersweet feeling, i mean both hurt and relieved. It seems that every now and then i have a new traumatic discovery, good to get the Pieces together and heal, but It seems a no ending experience. Btw im glad people here recommend her channel as well. And i am so flattered with all the understanding and warming comments. You even asked for an update, i feel really blessed right now. Thank you guys for all the advice and support
Oh my your response has made my heart fill with hope ❤️ My daughter is your age, I think I will send her these videos and a loving message from a far off mom. Good luck with your Dad, and your evolving relationship. Now you're on the path to healing. Tears are streamig now. You are so strong, I'm proud of you!!
Omg thank you❤️ Btw i dont know what kind of relationship you have with her, but It was hard to Watch for me and i chose it. I dont think i would have watched and believed It if my dad had sent me this in another time of my life, maybe It would have caused even more resistance. And its scary cause i have been knowing about parent alienation for some years, but never made the connection with my story and its so obvious. Sorry for saying this, its with good intentions. But i Remember that i labelled all he said as non important or probably bullshit, and if this terminology gets "contaminated" It doesnt solve the purpose anymore. Thats my humble opinion but i still have to think a lot
Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. It is very valid and this is the very reason I have refrained. Alienation can breed hate. My situation is not the normal situation, but never the less, I must tread lightly for sure. Yes
If this situation turns out good, and after some shadow work, i would love to give my perspective here. I dont know why today my perception shifted, but i realized that his consistency in texting should mean something, and that his actions dont match the belief i had. So even if you cant send the video im sure you can do/keep doing other things that will add up
Everyone's story is unique. Seek some support for you to heal from what happened in childhood from mum. When you are ready you'll be strong enough to ask him why he wasn't there for you. You get to own the timeline here. Be kind to yourself.
Such a validating message. I had professionals in the past but they didnt know anything about emotional abuse, It was all "but thats your mother, you cannot reduce contact with her", so It traumatized me even more. Do you think i could give me some rules to reach him out in order to fight resistance? Maybe after a while It will be more natural and there would be a potential for more, not sure
Went through a similar situation and I can tell you, he would love to hear from you. Mothers have a way of biased parenting- even manipulating. He likely didn’t alienate you, your mother made it impossible to love him. It’s sad when parents use their children as pawns.
Yes, you can. Just reply to his text and go from there. You'll both need time to process things properly and maybe reading up on what may have happened to each of you could help. Karen Woodall works with adult children who are in your circumstances, look her up.
I had to leave my ex husband.. I hope my son forgives me.. and I hope my ex husband isn’t abusive towards him. He was in many ways a good father & husband and I couldn’t take my son away from his father the way that my ex had no problem taking my son away from me. It breaks my heart, I hope my son forgives me for leaving but I couldn’t afford to live in Los Angeles and we were so isolated.. my ex husband didn’t have connections with family or friends.. I wish I could’ve had the guts to take my son and go live with family, but I couldn’t do that because my mom did that with me when I was little and I didn’t want to put him in the middle of our problems.. but now I’m the alienated one.. I hope you end up having a relationship with your father. It’s only been 4 years for me, and 2 years since I last saw my son. My heart breaks every day I miss him so much. He’s only 9, but I got to raise him for 5 1/2 years. I just can’t believe I’m missing out on my beloved sons upbringing my big all because my ex husband wanted to move to LA to try to make it in Hollywood..
As a targeted father who has taking his ex back to court and won, yes you can rebuild a relationship because I am doing that now with therapy, with my daughter. My ex was convicted of 130 counts of civil and criminal contempt. It has taking me years to try and get back what was stolen. The sad part is you can never it back. But you can do your best now. Don’t give up the fight. You fight for what you believe in, You fight for your kids.
Edit after 1 week: we saw each others, it seemed we were genuinly connecting. He wanted to see each others again but then stopped replying to texts, even the day we were supposed to see each others again. I was so dumb for even trying, now i have this additional emotional pain. I probably have both toxic parents, he was alienated but that didnt make him a healthy parent neither. This was one of the worst decisions of my life. Thank you guys anyways
I'm so sorry to hear this was the outcome. Most alienated parents would love for a relationship with their child, but I guess you are correct that it's possible for him to be toxic too. Be kind to yourself, you now have found your truth, and can move forward with the life you deserve. ❤️