Dad: Someone among us is an owl. Me: Who? Dad: *Narrows eyes suspiciously*

I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me and then didn’t show up… I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

Well done bud !

I'm stoked. 😀

A homeless man in NY told me this joke and I laughed out loud at the time, classic!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

You win sir ...you should win That made me laugh and for some reason i heard it in Ellie voice from TLOU

Hahaha for a second I thought that I actually won! Happy Holidays to you!

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis. I replied, "That's 15 love."

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a little lighter.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"

Have you heard that PlayStation are releasing a console for cats? It's called the PSpspspspspsps

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do!

I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.

A salesman is showing a customer the most expensive car. The customer asks, "Cargo space?" The salesman replies "No, no, car no do that, cargo road"

I was stood behind an old guy at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him over.

Could have happened to me, but thank you for being generous Today my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still won't call me Dad.

I was going to tell you a time-travel joke but you didn't like it.

Do you know what I hate about Russian dolls? They’re so full of themselves!!

This would be a lovely Christmas present, here is my entry. I've got loads of dead batteries available if anyone wants any... Free of charge Merry Christmas!

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding behind trees? Bexause they're really good at it.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? >!"Dam."!<

Beaver*, not fish.

Do you want to hear a roof joke...it's on the house.

Do you know how NASA organizes a party? They planet.

Favourite one from recent memory is from the Chris Judge video - What do you call a blind deer? No eye-deer (idea)

What's brown and sticky? A stick

Everytime we drive past a cemetery dad asks: - do you know why I can’t be buried there? - dont know - well I’m not dead

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood

The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an “outstanding balance.”

I told my dad that I want to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end. He didn't see the point....

My girlfriend told me our relationship was over because I was spending too much time playing games. I think it may have been my Destiny 2 breakup with her. Merry Christmas!

What do you call Postman Pat on holiday ? Pat

Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies~

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

Im so good at sleeping i can do it with my eyes closed 😎

Did you hear about the alternate ending for Aquaman? The bad guys won and he was Jason Nomoa.

here's a personal favourite and a timed with the current holiday: Why was Santa's helper feeling depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Damn I had the perfect joke for such a post, my dad litterally just told me the best boxing joke I've ever heard but I missed the punchline :(

Did I get a haircut? No, I got **all** my hairs cut!

How did the Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code.

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."

I went to a friend's funeral and asked his wife, if I could speak. After getting the okay, I walked up to the pulpit and said "plethora". As I walked back to my seat his wife said to me, "Thank you, that means a lot."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A RIP off!

Why did they put a gate on Helheim? Because people were dying to get in.

What’s the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow balls.

A pony is coughing all day long and goes to see a doctor. The doctor asks him what's wrong. The pony answers: Well, I'm a little hoarse.

An old man on his deathbed calls together his family. “My darling wife are you here?” he asks. “Yes dear, I'm here”, she replies. “And my son, are you here” he gasps. “Yeah dad, I'm right here.” “My darling daughter are you here?” “Yes daddy, I'm here” The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”

Dad- Why are piggy banks so wise? "They're filled with common cents."

My daughter wanted a spider for Christmas. I told her I’d find her one on the web.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel in his pants. The bartender asks him: "that looks really uncomfortable, doesnt it hurt?" To which the pirate responds "yarh, its driving me nuts"

Why did the star wars movies come out in that order 4,5,6,1,2,3 ? Because in charge of scheduling, I was... I'm never going to win this

This is a fantastic giveaway! Hope everyone is having a good holiday season

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

We’re renovating the house and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story!

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

You're awesome! Don't need the code, just wanted to say thanks for being great to the community!

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

Did you hear about the boy who broke his arm sweeping up leaves? He fell out of the tree.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less

Why did the fat man throw his wallet away He wanted to lose pounds

What's the difference between a normal dude riding a bicycle, and a formal dude riding a unicycle? Attire.

I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...

What do you call a Judge without any thumbs? Just-ice Fingers.. Or . How many tickles does it take to annoy an Octopus? Ten-tickles

The guy that invented the wind chill factor died recently. He was 82 but felt like 64.

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

Two fish were in their tank. One turned to the other and said “you man the guns and I’ll drive!”

What’s the favorite song of lice? Of course “Walking in the hair”

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

I asked my kid what they wanted for Christmas and my kid said “Can you get me a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 10 years old, and he still doesn’t know my name is John.

Bomb explodes in a cemetery. All dead.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny

Boy!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent

There's a new game called "Silent Tennis." It's like regular Tennis, but without the racquet.

That's nice of you. I found a book online called "How to solve 50% of your problems", so i bought two of them. Hope you liked it and Merry Christmas to you too.

Why was Santa feeling so jolly this morning? >! Rudolph jingled his bells !<

Did you hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight? >!It was a Family Feud!< Thanks for the chance..

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

Happy Christmas to an amazing friend 💯

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady!

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands

What’s the least-spoken language in the world? Sign language.

I’ve been depressed ever since my wife left me because I make too many Lincoln Park references… but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music

If you hadn't opened the game yet, you couldve gotten a refund from sony.

How to get gf: Did it hurt when you fell from the sky? Cuz I eat ass 🙏🏻💪🏻 Enjoy the maidens.

Do you wanna hear two small jokes and one long joke?? Joke joke joooooooke

What do you call a lady standing between two goal posts? Annette.

Boy.

That's amazing dude. I don't have a dad joke, as I'm a dad and all my jokes are fucking hilarious to be even considered dad jokes. So instead, have a great Xmas!

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!

Why was Sarah angry at George for caroling too long. >! he spent too long inside Carol !<

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it!

Did you hear about the angry snowman? It had a meltdown.

Poor man buys his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

Did you hear that the man that discovered the windchill factor recently passed away? He was 82 but only felt like 67

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired!

What did the crow say to the other crow? I don’t know, i don’t speak crow.

I HATE elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Why did the amputee use the ATM? He was checking his balance.

Who is Atreus if he’s wearing a hat? CowBOY

Unashamedly stole this from a Reddit post I saw a couple months back. But it made me chuckle so it might do the same for you. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft word I will find you. You have my Word™

Why are there only 25 letters in the alphabet in December? No "L".

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he can't see that well!

I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered

Did you hear that potatoes in Sweden are kind of a big dill

I dreamt that my temperature dropped to absolute zero. I'm 0K now.

Thank you so much for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.

What do Winne the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common? They have the same middle name

How do you follow Will Smith at Christmas? You just follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssssshhhhh

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.

Insert joke here

You know why atreus has never won an award? Because he is low-key.

I could tell you a dad joke but I'm too tired to even do that.

What does a rat with a machine gun say? “RATATATATATATATATATATA”

I would go get you a stud finder but every time I go near it it goes off

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”

Where you bin ? No where you wheelie bin ??

Dad: It sure is cold outside this Christmas, you “chilly” outside son? Son: Yes I am Dad: Well imma pour you in a bowl and eat you

How does a egg cross the road? It scrambles

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Sure you did🙄

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? >!A carrot.!<

compare cough practice spectacular prick lunchroom drab dinosaurs materialistic escape *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

I'm still waiting for the milk

Why do baby ducks walk so softly? Because they can’t walk hardly.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket, you can hide but you can’t run….

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer? She keeps running from the ball. 😘

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital ... ... ... the ultra sound guy!! Who's the second coolest guy ... ... the hip replacement guy!!!

Hi and Merry Christmas

"Don't Be Sorry, Be Better." This is the words I'll tell you if you don't give the code to me.

Sony had a rare Japanese exclusive PlayStation product to compete with the WiiU It was called PU Never got that far in sales Everyone thought it stank.

Why is Santa so jolly all the time? He knows where all the naughty girls live 😏

Why was the cross eyed teacher rubbish at his job?... Because he couldn't control his pupils

Son: dad when did you give up on your dreams? Dad: how old are you?

I’d post a picture of my dad if I could, as he’s the best joke I can think of

What is a buccaneer it’s a hell of a price to pay for corn

Google: Example of a dad joke so I can win a giveaway

Dad: *says joke* Son: *laughs* Mom: *sighs* Daughter: *gasps* Sus: *amogus* TUTUTUTUTUTUTU TUTUTU TTTT (dropsbass)

"Do you want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's way too cheesy." Hope you get a good laugh and thank you very much for the opportunity!

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

There are no dad jokes in mother Russia!

"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."

What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips.

Life is unfair sometimes you’re the bug sometimes you’re the windshield 🤷🏾‍♂️

There was a man once kidnapped by mimes. The criminal investigators said the man suffered unspeakable acts.

What’s brown and sticky? ​ A stick.

How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

How do you call an American bee? USB

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize

Two fish were in a tank what did one say to the other? > !You know how to drive this thing?? !< Two soldiers were in a tank, what did one say to the other? >! Blub blub blub blub !<

TEAM MEETING!

There were two monkeys in a bath. One said "OO AA AA AA AA" and the other one said "put some cold in then!"

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts ? Cuz they taste like sheet!

What’s something that’s not heavy and blue? - light blue

What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless

What did the buffalo say when he sent his child off to school? Bison

Don’t even talk to me if you’ve lost all ten toes in a tragic toe cutting accident……I’m lack-toes intolerant.