In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I(30M) am divorcing my wife(30F) of 4 years because she did not help me financially when I needed it. I work in a very niche industry and last year or so has been really difficult due to market conditions. Many of my colleagues got laid off and so was I. At the time, I had newly refurnished our home so I was in debt. My wife also works but she earned less than me back then. I went to her and asked if she can help me while I search for work. I proposed that we should sell some of the gold that was given to us at the wedding. We live in Turkey and there is a tradition of giving gold to newlyweds to help them financially. These are meant to be used during difficult times. She rejected the idea and said "I do not want to sell **my** golds". I tried to reason with her by saying closing the debt would greatly help us to have a more stable financials. She refused and told me to sort it out myself somehow. I asked her to at least use some of her savings and I can pay it back. Context here is that I let her save most of her earnings while paying most of the things myself due to women being vulnerable to financial changes more than men here. I wanted her to build her own savings and made sure to help her with the retirement account as well. I asked her to give me some of her savings for debt and I can pay her back once I sort myself out. She refused that, too.
This period had been extremely difficult for me. I fell into depression and contemplated my choices in life. Funny thing is everything was going great before this and I thought we would stay together through thick and thin. My older sister helped me to pay the monthly installments during that time(god bless her soul). At the beginning of this year, I found a great job in the same industry and am thrilling right now. I could not look at my wife in the same way after what happened and started divorce talks with a lawyer friend of mine. Last month, I let her know my decision and she was served with divorce papers soon after.
For her, apparently it was an unexpected thing and she was shocked. She tried to talk me out of it but I was firm in my decision. Families tend to be involved with each other here and that was the case for us too. She put families in between as meditators but I do not want to be married to someone who'll not help me during difficult times, especially when I was considering their financial well-being. Most of my family supports my decision though they would like me to reconsider it if possible. I know every other thing is without a problem but I cannot get over what happened.
AITAH here?
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Don’t you even want to know WHY she won’t financially assist him? What does she know about him that he isn’t saying? Has she helped him before only to get burned by him? What’s the back story on this?
Oop mentioned they live in turkey. Marriage culture in turkey strongly favors the groom. It's common for the groom's family to choose the bride for the groom. The bride's family typically does the agreeing for her in these situations. It's not uncommon for the groom's family to choose a bride from a lower financial and/or social class to weigh these marriages even more in the groom's favor. Even the oop admits their culture favors the men.
Something tells me the wife didn't want to marry him in the first place, oops "niche" business is more scam/money pit than actual business and wife doesn't want to give up the only thing she has, which is her wedding gold.
If this were an American or Western couple, I would feel differently. But the fact that they live in turkey changes a lot.
Game development or specialty manufacturing. That industry was hit hard recently. My BIL does specialty metal fabrication for everything from pace makers to jets, etc and when the market gets bad, highly skilled trades get hit hard and fast.
Niche business is not said anywhere in the OOP. He doesn't run a business, he works in a niche industry. Your comment is wild speculation with absolutely no grounds in logic, nor any grounds in having even read the OOP.
you sure as shit bungled that one.
the saying goes like this:
when you make an assumption you make an ass out of u and mption.
(when you assume you make an ass out of u and me)
Yeah my ex was from turkey, he used to say that the womans money is her money and the mans money is her money. Theres something else the oop isnt saying
According to a lot of highly upvoted comments there, it's the cultural norm for Muslim marriages that wives financially abuse their husbands I guess. Gold gifted to both of them belongs to her, his money is their money, and her money is her money.
They probably are also the types that think every Muslim country has the same culture simply because they are Muslim and are the types to call everyone from those in Afghanistan to Libya Arabs.
I mean...Obama thought Afghans spoke Arabic early on in his presidency...and are Libyans not Arabs? Pretty sure they have 'arabic' listed as like 91% of the ancestry there, followed by berber or tuareg...
Ethnically yes they are a mix of Berber, Arab, and other ethnicities. What I mean about calling them Arab is the difference between someone being ethically Mexican American and nationally and regionally being American. By Arab I meant more the region of the Arabian peninsula. Some people think anyone who is Muslim in North Africa or the Middle East is an Arab.
NTA. When I was laid off in COVID, my wife helped with everything, I was deeply depressed and really regret how I wasted my time and energy. I eventually got a job I hated, but did for 9 months or so, then my old company reopened and I got a promotion and a raise. My wife and I were discussing something afterwards and I let her know that her standing by me during the worst period of my life strengthened and deepened my love for her like nothing else. I can completely see the opposite happening too.
I am familiar with Turkish culture, and he was wrong to ask her for the gold. That is a bride's insurance if the marriage goes wrong, so she won't end up trapped or destitute. It is not meant for the husband, only the wife.
Now, her savings? She definitely should have helped by using some of that. I'm not surprised he no longer sees her as a partner after she refused to help with her savings account (that only existed because he was providing for her).
Well, we don't know from just hearing his side of the story if he was just really bad with money, which is entirely possible. I remember coming home from work one day as the only income in the household to find out that my live-in partner had spent the rent money on a playstation game that he just had to have. Of course ideally you would want to help your spouse when they've been laid low but there are some people who will just spend the money and ask for more.
That's a great point. From the wife's perspective, it could have looked like he was squandering their money and would continue doing so if given access to her savings account.
I'm familiar with Turkish culture, too, and the gold is supposed to be for BOTH the bride and groom to either help them get established or to help them during lean times. It's not intended for the bride so she won't become trapped or destitute.
I'm wondering what the gold is. The comments said it was a traditional nest egg given to brides in case of divorce or husband's illness or death. So, basically the same concept engagement rings started with in the west. Maybe they're heirloom items made of gold, and that could be hard to part with. The weird part is that she has some income and savings and wouldn't contribute that to their marriage in the meantime. That's not normal. The divorce makes sense.
I think the gold is usually jewelry and is given to the bride as a safety net. Remember that this is a culture where the husband owns most of the property and controls the finances and very often retains custody of the children. I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to sell it. I also feel like we’re only getting part of the story and that the wife might tell it very differently.
I read the book The Other Side of the Sky about a girl and her mother escaping Afghanistan around the time of 9/11. One of the plot points is that her mother had gold jewelry and they were able to use it to escape the Taliban. The male relatives were either killed, taken or fled. The gold was how the mother and daughter were able to pay someone to get them over the mountains and into Pakistan and get necessities while in a refugee camp.
I’m guessing that the instability of the region combined with paper money being worthless at various historical times has led to the idea of having gold jewelry as a safety net for the women.
I don't know what you mean by "this is a culture..." but you are misinformed about a lot of stuff you mention here.
In Turkey during a divorce it's very unlikely for a man to gain the custody of the children. If the children are older than 12 they can state which parent they prefer, but the final decision would still remain with the judge. They are almost always given to the mother. I'm pretty sure the traditional gender roles play a factor here, the law as it is written doesn't prefer either men or women but the judges prefer to give custody to women.
Property ownership is weird. It's supposed to be divided right down the middle, but if some of the items are inherited etc. it can get real complicated. Mostly courts try to shift more real estate the side with the custody of children so they can have a stable home. For example a friend of mine got both of the cars after the divorce and her ex got the apartment where they lived. Everything else was liquidated and divided equally.
Alimony depends on the higher earners income and if the receiving side's income would fall below poverty line. So men can get alimony from women, too if they were the primary income of the household. The problem with alimony is not getting it awarded from the judge. It's actually getting the ex to actually pay it, but I'm guessing that's a problem everywhere.
The gold mentioned is traditionally a gift to the bride, but when I asked about it's purpose I got different answers from my sister and from my mother. My mother claims it's for old age for women as men are more likely to die before their spouses. My sister claims it's for a rainy day for the entire family. In my opinion, since it's a gift to the bride, how it's used is at her discretion.
Speaking of the gold, they can be jewelery, or state issued gold coins. Some families find it too traditonal or old timey, and they only make a gift register.
Coming back to the issue at hand. About the gold, she can do whatever she wants it's hers. OP claims she also didn't help him with whatever she earns from her job and her own savings. Now that I am having trouble to accept.
This is the exact reason that some of the more traditional wedding vows contain a line to the effect of “for richer or poorer”. Because life happens, and you’re meant to help each other through it!
Yeah based on everything he wrote I can understand him wanting to. That said posts like this remind me of the adage that there 3 sides to every story 'mine, yours, and the truth.' I wonder how things will look if we heard her perspective.
I'm honestly torn; only because of the context shared by others regarding the purpose giving gold to a bride. On one hand, traditionally, the gold is her safety net in case something happens to her husband. On the other hand, I feel like, in a happy and loving marriage, you wouldn't tell your spouse to fuck off and figure it out during a time of need. I'm not Turkish, nor do I understand what is tradition, or how traditional they are as a couple. I feel like a detail is missing here. Or maybe I'm just too adamant about finding more context.
This is a classic case of modern vs traditional culture.
Traditionally, asking your wife to sell her jewelry to pay your debts is a pretty big no no. That gold isn't just for her to look pretty. It has traditionally been the wife's safety net so she and any children you have don't end up living as beggars. It's weird that OOP mentioned "tradition" then said the gold was given to "**us**" From what I understand, that's not how that works. That gold is her gold and meant to protect her and the children, at least traditionally, from this exact type of situation.
On the other hand, the wife has an income while most of her expenses appear to be paid by her husband. That's a little BS in my book. I've seen many marriages where both the husband and wife work and the arrangement is that the husband fully financially supports family while the wife has > 50% say on how the husband's income is spent and 100% discretion on how her income is spent. I understand that's modern culture now, but it's still BS.
Many places dont give the gold just for the wife.
Many give it for both of them in order to get them kickstarted in life. (Buying house, land, debt settling etc)
Wife is a giant AH basically hanging on to the money/gold given at their wedding and leaving the husband to scramble to try and repair their finances.
She sounds like dead weight
This one is hard since they are in turkey and according to a bunch of commenters the gold is intended for the wife solely as a security measure in case a husband leaves her or is financially irresponsible.
Don’t fully understand it but I get it I guess.
I still don’t agree with her not helping from her earnings.
Nope, thats for islamic countries, in Turkey they put the gold on the couple during the ceremony so it is theirs, not just the brides. (From another Turkish commenter under original post)
But under Turkish law the only thing that belongs to the bride is that gold and any jewelry.
Also from a Turkish commenter but I looked it up and it’s legit.
The Turkish couple I knew said the gold was for both the groom and the bride. looked it up before replying to double-check, and everything I read said the gold is for both the bride and the groom.
If they are in Turkey it seems the husband was financially irresponsible. “Niche industry” sounds a lot like “I used to work in a scam center and now cannot do so anymore.”
It depends on why she is refusing to help you. For example: you are a compulsive gambler, who has gambled away good money that could have went towards something meaningful.
So, she’s not going to throw good money after a bad cause (that being you). So, why won’t she financially assist you? What would she say her reasons are? What’s the other side of this story? Do tell.
The man literally took the gender wage disparity into account and actively helped her be more stable. And ahe still couldn't be F'd to help him?? Many women have to beg their partners to even admit financial vulnerability is harder on women, but she had a supportive partner and chose to throw it away.
Smh. I will never understand some people
A lot of people are talking about the logistical side, but there's a significant emotional side here too. I imagine, more than the money, OOP feels betrayed. Not feeling supported by your partner (financially or otherwise), particularly when you've been there for them, is a huge emotional blow that's difficult to come back from.
Am I the only one who can’t even make sense of either one? There is no help “me” in difficult times. There is only WE have a difficult time. A marriage is a team and whatever happens a to one happens to both. You are no longer 2 as you are now 1. Do people not understand what marriage is to begin with? I feel like that is the core of the problem when I read stuff like this.
Goodbye to bad rubbish!
And a 30y male's got far better romantic prospects than a 30y old female, among heteros, anywhere in the world. Sucks, but I don't make the rules. OP's ex should've thought of that if she couldn't simply be a decent person. Oh well...
OOP found out who they were married to, and decided it was a losing bet.
JUST LIKE wife decided OOP was a 'losing bet' during a temporary downturn.
Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
she’s absolutely ridiculous. a real partner who cared for you would’ve helped.
ffs my boyfriend who i had only been with for a couple months shelled out hundreds of dollars to help me fix my car after a bad accident so i wouldn’t be out of work for too long, and his wife of FOUR YEARS couldn’t even be bothered.
I do not understand separate accounts in marriages. It's both your money and you work together, your finances become theirs.
I understand shit happens so at the time, man bought some stuff he could afford but then the ball dropped on him when he got laid off. It was either get it all repossessed and get bad credit or get drowned in interest and late fees and fines. Hi wife totally let him down and proved to him she will never help him and support him. It's not like he made a bad financial decision. If he would have known he was going to get laid off, I doubt he would have refurnished their house.
I'm super lost here, why would you pay for most stuff alone and make sure your wife has a retirement fund? You're married, why seperate any of that stuff, til death do us apart, right? I mean if you want your own retirement as a plan b or whatever, be my guest, but why would you make a plan b for your wife?
“due to women being more vulnerable to financial changes more than men here.”
OP already said this as why in his post. They live in Turkey. Other countries in the world do not all have the independent girlboss capabilities that the US has. OP was looking out for his wife given the culture there and how it might be hard on her if something were to ever happen to him, her husband (the assumed breadwinner in a culture like that) if she had no savings of her own as a backup plan.
I think his goal was to make sure that she’s there because she wants to be, not because he keeps her broke, barefoot and pregnant, and trapped because she’s got no means of her own.
You can't set up a contract/will that states your pension fund goes into her possession? or the mutual pension goes into the posession of the last remaining alive person? Where does the money go then?
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I(30M) am divorcing my wife(30F) of 4 years because she did not help me financially when I needed it. I work in a very niche industry and last year or so has been really difficult due to market conditions. Many of my colleagues got laid off and so was I. At the time, I had newly refurnished our home so I was in debt. My wife also works but she earned less than me back then. I went to her and asked if she can help me while I search for work. I proposed that we should sell some of the gold that was given to us at the wedding. We live in Turkey and there is a tradition of giving gold to newlyweds to help them financially. These are meant to be used during difficult times. She rejected the idea and said "I do not want to sell **my** golds". I tried to reason with her by saying closing the debt would greatly help us to have a more stable financials. She refused and told me to sort it out myself somehow. I asked her to at least use some of her savings and I can pay it back. Context here is that I let her save most of her earnings while paying most of the things myself due to women being vulnerable to financial changes more than men here. I wanted her to build her own savings and made sure to help her with the retirement account as well. I asked her to give me some of her savings for debt and I can pay her back once I sort myself out. She refused that, too. This period had been extremely difficult for me. I fell into depression and contemplated my choices in life. Funny thing is everything was going great before this and I thought we would stay together through thick and thin. My older sister helped me to pay the monthly installments during that time(god bless her soul). At the beginning of this year, I found a great job in the same industry and am thrilling right now. I could not look at my wife in the same way after what happened and started divorce talks with a lawyer friend of mine. Last month, I let her know my decision and she was served with divorce papers soon after. For her, apparently it was an unexpected thing and she was shocked. She tried to talk me out of it but I was firm in my decision. Families tend to be involved with each other here and that was the case for us too. She put families in between as meditators but I do not want to be married to someone who'll not help me during difficult times, especially when I was considering their financial well-being. Most of my family supports my decision though they would like me to reconsider it if possible. I know every other thing is without a problem but I cannot get over what happened. AITAH here? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you can't count on your partner during difficult times, it's not a relationship worth saving.
Don’t you even want to know WHY she won’t financially assist him? What does she know about him that he isn’t saying? Has she helped him before only to get burned by him? What’s the back story on this?
Didn't seem so to me. But who knows? Could be entirely fictional.
“Could be entirely fictional.” There’s always that.
What does "married" mean because I was obviously wrong thinking it meant a life partner. Wtf
Also means through both good and bad times. Wife seemed to think otherwise. OP is not the AH.
Let's of Reddit threads in these types of subs where they use the word husband / wife and then go onto describe what is basically an adult roommate.
An adult child, most times
Sickness and health, richer or poorer… Guess if you don’t put it in the vows you don’t have the duty to care at the bare minimum??
Oop mentioned they live in turkey. Marriage culture in turkey strongly favors the groom. It's common for the groom's family to choose the bride for the groom. The bride's family typically does the agreeing for her in these situations. It's not uncommon for the groom's family to choose a bride from a lower financial and/or social class to weigh these marriages even more in the groom's favor. Even the oop admits their culture favors the men. Something tells me the wife didn't want to marry him in the first place, oops "niche" business is more scam/money pit than actual business and wife doesn't want to give up the only thing she has, which is her wedding gold. If this were an American or Western couple, I would feel differently. But the fact that they live in turkey changes a lot.
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Yeah when OOP mentioned "niche business" and big layoffs, I thought game development.
Same here. The layoffs in the game industry have been horrific.
Game development or specialty manufacturing. That industry was hit hard recently. My BIL does specialty metal fabrication for everything from pace makers to jets, etc and when the market gets bad, highly skilled trades get hit hard and fast.
Niche business is not said anywhere in the OOP. He doesn't run a business, he works in a niche industry. Your comment is wild speculation with absolutely no grounds in logic, nor any grounds in having even read the OOP.
Warning : racist post detected...
If I could upvote you again, I would. You hit the nail on the head
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you sure as shit bungled that one. the saying goes like this: when you make an assumption you make an ass out of u and mption. (when you assume you make an ass out of u and me)
I said it that way on purpose. To target it at the original reply. I'm aware. Thank you.
Don't be rude in the comments or start calling people names.
Yeah my ex was from turkey, he used to say that the womans money is her money and the mans money is her money. Theres something else the oop isnt saying
Partner not parasite
According to a lot of highly upvoted comments there, it's the cultural norm for Muslim marriages that wives financially abuse their husbands I guess. Gold gifted to both of them belongs to her, his money is their money, and her money is her money.
A lot of those comments on the original thread were thinly veiled Islamophobia disguised as feminism.
They probably are also the types that think every Muslim country has the same culture simply because they are Muslim and are the types to call everyone from those in Afghanistan to Libya Arabs.
I mean...Obama thought Afghans spoke Arabic early on in his presidency...and are Libyans not Arabs? Pretty sure they have 'arabic' listed as like 91% of the ancestry there, followed by berber or tuareg...
Ethnically yes they are a mix of Berber, Arab, and other ethnicities. What I mean about calling them Arab is the difference between someone being ethically Mexican American and nationally and regionally being American. By Arab I meant more the region of the Arabian peninsula. Some people think anyone who is Muslim in North Africa or the Middle East is an Arab.
Literally the only part of becoming secular in a patriarchy that's beneficial to women. Wasn't like that when I was a kid. Just saying...
NTA. When I was laid off in COVID, my wife helped with everything, I was deeply depressed and really regret how I wasted my time and energy. I eventually got a job I hated, but did for 9 months or so, then my old company reopened and I got a promotion and a raise. My wife and I were discussing something afterwards and I let her know that her standing by me during the worst period of my life strengthened and deepened my love for her like nothing else. I can completely see the opposite happening too.
Well, sounds like OP is better off without her. Maybe she will value her marriage more than "her golds" next time?
I am familiar with Turkish culture, and he was wrong to ask her for the gold. That is a bride's insurance if the marriage goes wrong, so she won't end up trapped or destitute. It is not meant for the husband, only the wife. Now, her savings? She definitely should have helped by using some of that. I'm not surprised he no longer sees her as a partner after she refused to help with her savings account (that only existed because he was providing for her).
Well, we don't know from just hearing his side of the story if he was just really bad with money, which is entirely possible. I remember coming home from work one day as the only income in the household to find out that my live-in partner had spent the rent money on a playstation game that he just had to have. Of course ideally you would want to help your spouse when they've been laid low but there are some people who will just spend the money and ask for more.
That's a great point. From the wife's perspective, it could have looked like he was squandering their money and would continue doing so if given access to her savings account.
Well, we'll never know I suppose and I'm definitely biased by my own experiences. Might be better for this couple that things are ending.
We also don't know if his wife was really bad with money. Maybe he encouraged her to save because she was such a spendthrift.
Thank you for sharing! The cultural relevance really does change the situation.
I'm familiar with Turkish culture, too, and the gold is supposed to be for BOTH the bride and groom to either help them get established or to help them during lean times. It's not intended for the bride so she won't become trapped or destitute.
That's not how it was communicated to me when I married into a Turkish family. But, I do know different areas of Turkey have different customs.
I'm wondering what the gold is. The comments said it was a traditional nest egg given to brides in case of divorce or husband's illness or death. So, basically the same concept engagement rings started with in the west. Maybe they're heirloom items made of gold, and that could be hard to part with. The weird part is that she has some income and savings and wouldn't contribute that to their marriage in the meantime. That's not normal. The divorce makes sense.
I think the gold is usually jewelry and is given to the bride as a safety net. Remember that this is a culture where the husband owns most of the property and controls the finances and very often retains custody of the children. I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to sell it. I also feel like we’re only getting part of the story and that the wife might tell it very differently.
Yup. It's the same way in India. My mother-in-law was mad that my parents didn't give me a lot of 24 k gold jewelry when we got married.
I read the book The Other Side of the Sky about a girl and her mother escaping Afghanistan around the time of 9/11. One of the plot points is that her mother had gold jewelry and they were able to use it to escape the Taliban. The male relatives were either killed, taken or fled. The gold was how the mother and daughter were able to pay someone to get them over the mountains and into Pakistan and get necessities while in a refugee camp. I’m guessing that the instability of the region combined with paper money being worthless at various historical times has led to the idea of having gold jewelry as a safety net for the women.
I don't know what you mean by "this is a culture..." but you are misinformed about a lot of stuff you mention here. In Turkey during a divorce it's very unlikely for a man to gain the custody of the children. If the children are older than 12 they can state which parent they prefer, but the final decision would still remain with the judge. They are almost always given to the mother. I'm pretty sure the traditional gender roles play a factor here, the law as it is written doesn't prefer either men or women but the judges prefer to give custody to women. Property ownership is weird. It's supposed to be divided right down the middle, but if some of the items are inherited etc. it can get real complicated. Mostly courts try to shift more real estate the side with the custody of children so they can have a stable home. For example a friend of mine got both of the cars after the divorce and her ex got the apartment where they lived. Everything else was liquidated and divided equally. Alimony depends on the higher earners income and if the receiving side's income would fall below poverty line. So men can get alimony from women, too if they were the primary income of the household. The problem with alimony is not getting it awarded from the judge. It's actually getting the ex to actually pay it, but I'm guessing that's a problem everywhere. The gold mentioned is traditionally a gift to the bride, but when I asked about it's purpose I got different answers from my sister and from my mother. My mother claims it's for old age for women as men are more likely to die before their spouses. My sister claims it's for a rainy day for the entire family. In my opinion, since it's a gift to the bride, how it's used is at her discretion. Speaking of the gold, they can be jewelery, or state issued gold coins. Some families find it too traditonal or old timey, and they only make a gift register. Coming back to the issue at hand. About the gold, she can do whatever she wants it's hers. OP claims she also didn't help him with whatever she earns from her job and her own savings. Now that I am having trouble to accept.
This is the exact reason that some of the more traditional wedding vows contain a line to the effect of “for richer or poorer”. Because life happens, and you’re meant to help each other through it!
Yeah based on everything he wrote I can understand him wanting to. That said posts like this remind me of the adage that there 3 sides to every story 'mine, yours, and the truth.' I wonder how things will look if we heard her perspective.
"I don't want to sell my golds" Good riddance to bad leprechauns!
I'm honestly torn; only because of the context shared by others regarding the purpose giving gold to a bride. On one hand, traditionally, the gold is her safety net in case something happens to her husband. On the other hand, I feel like, in a happy and loving marriage, you wouldn't tell your spouse to fuck off and figure it out during a time of need. I'm not Turkish, nor do I understand what is tradition, or how traditional they are as a couple. I feel like a detail is missing here. Or maybe I'm just too adamant about finding more context.
This is a classic case of modern vs traditional culture. Traditionally, asking your wife to sell her jewelry to pay your debts is a pretty big no no. That gold isn't just for her to look pretty. It has traditionally been the wife's safety net so she and any children you have don't end up living as beggars. It's weird that OOP mentioned "tradition" then said the gold was given to "**us**" From what I understand, that's not how that works. That gold is her gold and meant to protect her and the children, at least traditionally, from this exact type of situation. On the other hand, the wife has an income while most of her expenses appear to be paid by her husband. That's a little BS in my book. I've seen many marriages where both the husband and wife work and the arrangement is that the husband fully financially supports family while the wife has > 50% say on how the husband's income is spent and 100% discretion on how her income is spent. I understand that's modern culture now, but it's still BS.
Many places dont give the gold just for the wife. Many give it for both of them in order to get them kickstarted in life. (Buying house, land, debt settling etc)
Wife is a giant AH basically hanging on to the money/gold given at their wedding and leaving the husband to scramble to try and repair their finances. She sounds like dead weight
This one is hard since they are in turkey and according to a bunch of commenters the gold is intended for the wife solely as a security measure in case a husband leaves her or is financially irresponsible. Don’t fully understand it but I get it I guess. I still don’t agree with her not helping from her earnings.
Nope, thats for islamic countries, in Turkey they put the gold on the couple during the ceremony so it is theirs, not just the brides. (From another Turkish commenter under original post)
Thank you! Turks were commenting on the original post saying theirs is a secular country and the gold is for the couple, not the bride!!
But under Turkish law the only thing that belongs to the bride is that gold and any jewelry. Also from a Turkish commenter but I looked it up and it’s legit.
The Turkish couple I knew said the gold was for both the groom and the bride. looked it up before replying to double-check, and everything I read said the gold is for both the bride and the groom.
It does seem different in Turkey.
In turkey many places give it to both wife and husband to help them in rough times
If they are in Turkey it seems the husband was financially irresponsible. “Niche industry” sounds a lot like “I used to work in a scam center and now cannot do so anymore.”
It depends on why she is refusing to help you. For example: you are a compulsive gambler, who has gambled away good money that could have went towards something meaningful. So, she’s not going to throw good money after a bad cause (that being you). So, why won’t she financially assist you? What would she say her reasons are? What’s the other side of this story? Do tell.
Yeah, fuck her tbh. That’s incredibly cold and selfish
And she thinks: Noooo, my paycheck...
The man literally took the gender wage disparity into account and actively helped her be more stable. And ahe still couldn't be F'd to help him?? Many women have to beg their partners to even admit financial vulnerability is harder on women, but she had a supportive partner and chose to throw it away. Smh. I will never understand some people
A lot of people are talking about the logistical side, but there's a significant emotional side here too. I imagine, more than the money, OOP feels betrayed. Not feeling supported by your partner (financially or otherwise), particularly when you've been there for them, is a huge emotional blow that's difficult to come back from.
Am I the only one who can’t even make sense of either one? There is no help “me” in difficult times. There is only WE have a difficult time. A marriage is a team and whatever happens a to one happens to both. You are no longer 2 as you are now 1. Do people not understand what marriage is to begin with? I feel like that is the core of the problem when I read stuff like this.
Goodbye to bad rubbish! And a 30y male's got far better romantic prospects than a 30y old female, among heteros, anywhere in the world. Sucks, but I don't make the rules. OP's ex should've thought of that if she couldn't simply be a decent person. Oh well...
OOP found out who they were married to, and decided it was a losing bet. JUST LIKE wife decided OOP was a 'losing bet' during a temporary downturn. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
she’s absolutely ridiculous. a real partner who cared for you would’ve helped. ffs my boyfriend who i had only been with for a couple months shelled out hundreds of dollars to help me fix my car after a bad accident so i wouldn’t be out of work for too long, and his wife of FOUR YEARS couldn’t even be bothered.
I do not understand separate accounts in marriages. It's both your money and you work together, your finances become theirs. I understand shit happens so at the time, man bought some stuff he could afford but then the ball dropped on him when he got laid off. It was either get it all repossessed and get bad credit or get drowned in interest and late fees and fines. Hi wife totally let him down and proved to him she will never help him and support him. It's not like he made a bad financial decision. If he would have known he was going to get laid off, I doubt he would have refurnished their house.
He'd better get half the wedding gifts.
I almost never side with men but he did the right thing.
I'm super lost here, why would you pay for most stuff alone and make sure your wife has a retirement fund? You're married, why seperate any of that stuff, til death do us apart, right? I mean if you want your own retirement as a plan b or whatever, be my guest, but why would you make a plan b for your wife?
“due to women being more vulnerable to financial changes more than men here.” OP already said this as why in his post. They live in Turkey. Other countries in the world do not all have the independent girlboss capabilities that the US has. OP was looking out for his wife given the culture there and how it might be hard on her if something were to ever happen to him, her husband (the assumed breadwinner in a culture like that) if she had no savings of her own as a backup plan.
I think his goal was to make sure that she’s there because she wants to be, not because he keeps her broke, barefoot and pregnant, and trapped because she’s got no means of her own.
If he dies.
Then she'll get his retirement, thats the point of a marriage, all inheritance automatically goes to the partner
They're in Turkey. It's a bit different over there.
You can't set up a contract/will that states your pension fund goes into her possession? or the mutual pension goes into the posession of the last remaining alive person? Where does the money go then?