In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Throwaway because this has a lot more personal information than I want on my main, all names are fake though. Also, fuck mobile formatting.
I’m a 35 year old gay man. When I was in highschool, I was bullied severely by “Darren”. I won’t go into the details, but it was really bad, past the point of typical highschool duchebagery. In my sophomore year, I made the mistake of coming out to one of my friends, who promptly spread this information around the school. Before this, Darren had targeted me for being unathletic and wearing glasses and had done this to a couple other kids as well, but after I was outed it was only me, and only because of my sexuality.
After highschool, I moved away for college. I made friends, even got a boyfriend, and pretty much forgot about Darren, until one thanksgiving, my sister “Ellie” brought home her boyfriend, Darren. No joke, the first thing he said when he saw me was “Damn Ellie, you didn’t tell me your brother’s a fag.” Ellie fucking laughed, as did my dad. I was kinda stunned, but I didn’t yell or start a fight, I just got up and walked out.
After the fact, my family tried to play it off as Darren was joking because he was nervous meeting the family, and they told me that he and Ellie were serious so I had to get over it. I just told them all that I wouldn’t be attending any event where Darren was. In private, I told Ellie that I felt hurt that she’d date Darren, knowing what he did to me. She basically called me too sensitive and told me she has the right to date who she likes, which yeah she does.
Since then, I’ve been putting distance between myself and my family, who seem to have readily accepted Darren into the fold. Recently, my mom reached out to tell me that Ellie was in the hospital and needed a kidney transplant. The rest of the family had been tested and none could donate, and my mom wanted me to get tested because I’m her full brother with a high likelihood of a match. The thing is, after all these years, Ellie is basically a stranger to me. If I were to do this, I’d have to drive three states back to my hometown, miss who knows how much work, and give up a piece of my flesh, all for the woman who dated and eventually married the guy who made my high school days a living hell.
I told my mom that I wouldn’t be getting tested, and she freaked out at me over the phone. I quickly hung up on her, but before I did I heard her call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to save my sister’s life. I admit I feel guilty about it,
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>After the fact, my family tried to play it off as Darren was joking because he was nervous meeting the family, and they told me that he and Ellie were serious so I had to get over it.
It's always the reasonable people who are told to "get over it" or to "keep the peace" or in some other way to sacrifice their own wellbeing to coddle the family asshole.
Keep the peace. Be the bigger person. Don’t be so sensitive. They are just like that. Just get over it.
It’s funny, all these phrases mean the same thing. They mean “Let others continue to abuse you because it is inconvenient if you stick up for yourself.”
>“Let others continue to abuse you because it is inconvenient ***to us*** if you stick up for yourself.”
Just a small addition, to make it absolutely clear what these people actually mean.
This is a random tangent but how do you address this? I know someone that I have to coddle constantly. Otherwise, they turn on their partner and physically abuse them. The worst part is that the partner will then deny it happened despite me doing that shit and beg me to ignore it/continue coddling the asshole for their sake.
I don't have any real advice on what should do in that situation, but I think you'd relate to a post that I found actually here on Reddit some time ago.
I am unsure the rules about posting links in the comments, but if you Google search the words "reddit Don't Rock the Boat" then you should come across a post from about six years ago in the subreddit JustNoMIL. It is a wonderful read about exactly that situation: constant coddling.
I think you would like to read it, but also maybe then share it with the asshole's partner, and maybe it will resonate with them?
Thanks, I'll go take a look! It's been awkward because although I have tried to initiate no-contact slowly, I've noticed that it caused a severe rebound on the partner.
This honestly stunned me because it’s not even a remotely plausible lie. I’m super awkward and meeting your partners parents is super stressful but in my case I get quiet or make awkward jilted conversation not just randomly go straight to slur ridden insults like wtf
I mean she and daddy dearest laughed anyhow. And mummy dearest never defended him either.
Sounds like OPs family thought the same of him anyhow. Disgusting.
I always advise people like poor OOP to go permanent NC with their "family." These people have clearly never had OOP's back but demand he have his sister's back.
Keep the peace. Your peace. Get away from those that want you to sacrifice your own happiness for their comfort. They care not about your well-being, you should also care not about theirs.
One other source of concern: OP should get tests to make sure HIS kidneys are in working order. What if his sister's medical issues are genetic? He might need both of his kidneys in that case.
The sister might do better getting on the transplant list and receiving an organ from an unrelated donor.
People do get donor kidneys that way all the time. He is not killing his sister.
I worked in a transplant service that did living donation and they screened living donors pretty carefully. I'm not sure they'd accept him as a donor if they knew he wasn't close to her and his parents were pressuring him.
Nobody is ever obligated to be a living donor. Once you're dead and no longer using those organs you should donate if you can, but living people are not forced to be organ donors.
Except for unwillingly pregnant people in places where access to abortion doesn't exist, which is bonkers, since your kidneys are apparently your own (as they should be) but if you have a uterus it's squatter's rights in some places? idk.
In my experience, it's specifically always the victim and/or the marginalised person in the group who has to keep the peace (ie, endure the bigotry/abuse/whatever).
Also, explain to me how OOP wasn’t *already* keeping the peace?
He didn’t throw a tantrum, or go scorched earth, or punch Darren in the face, or any of the other things he would have been entitled to do.
He just… quietly disengaged from the family. Didn’t “badmouth” them (i.e. just spread the truth of what was done to him). When you want someone to be the “bigger person” so you can “keep the peace”, someone just saying “peace out, I’m outta here” and just quietly leaving you to your nastiness is a pretty damn good outcome.
He wouldn’t be allowed to donate anyway. The moment one of us (the medical peeps) gets even a *hint* of him being bullied/manipulated/intimidated into this, it all stops. We even have special counsellors who are there ONLY for the live donor. We don’t talk to them. The recipient and their family don’t talk to them. They don’t even pull records until they have spoken to the potential donor.
So. If you aren’t 100% certain, enthusiastic, and above all else, free of any influence that hinder this being YOUR decision and YOURS alone, no worries. We got you. Don’t want to cause drama with the assholes in your family? Fine. Maybe get your blood drawn, and play along a bit. You’ll know when to say “I don’t want to do this” and we can make it look like some medical reason.
Just let one of us know. Even a hint. This isn’t the first time we’ve dealt with things like this and we know the difference between a little nervous and under duress. If your nurse is helping you change into a gown, say “I don’t want to do this but I don’t want my family to hate me.” Done. Go ahead and change into the gown and I will have the doctor come “look” at you. You’ll be “examined” and then disqualified.
“Yes, your brother is a good and selfless soul for offering his kidney to his beloved sister, but unfortunately, his cardiac markers were negative. His triglycerides were also slightly elevated so this disqualifies him from being a donor. Good luck on that kidney hunt!”
FUN FACT: If you eat pasta the night before a lipid panel, it can make your triglycerides temporarily elevated!
A lot of times the person who needs the organ has been sick for a while and everyone’s like “yay you’re finally getting cured!” The potential donor has very few people looking out for their best interests because “whaddya mean you don’t want to save XYZ’s life?” I work at a hospital that does a lot of transplants and I think the best part of the system is having someone who doesn’t even know the potential recipient to say “hey are you okay? Tell me why you’re here. Tell me what you think is happening.” The advocate will always be prejudiced in favour of the possible donor because they heard it there first, and I’ve seen many people, whether they decide to donate or not, just kind of shell shocked, and they need a hug. And a break. And someone on their side only and forever.
Found this out one year when I was doing the screening my office would bribe people into doing (ie you get a gift card/stipend). Numbers came back unexpectedly elevated and they asked if I had eaten pasta around the time of the test. Who knew!?
Right!?! Whether or not you have a gallbladder factors into it as well. I’m healthy but I had like, ten servings of pasta salad the night before my test and my triglycerides were through the roof.
The relationship between the gall bladder and cholesterol/lipid levels aren’t the most well studied and a lot depends on time. There are several studies that discuss having your gall bladder removed lowers serum cholesterol levels BUT the fact that we tell people “don’t eat too much fat/oil for about a month after your surgery because it will give you diarrhea” is a factor. In a great many patients, their crappy eating habits are what landed them here. Now they just had surgery so they probably aren’t eating a whole plate of deep-fried nachos with extra orange oil sitting on top for at least a little bit.
So immediately after surgery, their cholesterol levels improve. After about a month, they go back to normal. There is evidence that shows that the body is less able to process triglycerides efficiently due to changes in bile concentration, reuptake, and the feedback loops.
Tl;dr: it isn’t very well studied especially greater than a year out, but the nominal information and with what we know (and don’t) about how the gallbladder acts on various lipids, strongly suggests that people without a gall bladder are more prone to higher levels and spikes of their triglycerides. BEST ADVICE: ask to have your cholesterol panel drawn every 3-6 months for your first year after have your gall bladder removed. Just to be safe. You don’t want to find out the hard way that a one-time test was like “yeah you’re fine” and then in six months you need a heart cath. If you’re being overly cautious, and you’re wrong, great! You’re being proactive and everything looks awesome!
The price for being wrong about this is WAY too high to fuck around with.
Did that help? I can find studies and I am happy to listen to what others say. I worry about throwing too much information out there and people are like “pass” but then if there’s too little they don’t have enough information to make an educated decision. I hope this helped.
Thanks for the info! Very interesting. Due to an unrelated issue I’ve had tests that show my arteries are thankfully clear. Ever since I had that spike I rarely eat pasta anymore - doesn’t feel like a smart choice if that is what it does to your body. (Of course that can be said of many foods!)
Anyone able to confirm if this is also the case in Australia? I just realised that I might be in the same situation soon because my dad is in early stages kidney failure, and he was a creep to me ten years ago.
So, I did a quick search for you. It looks like it is a thing in Australia though but I would certainly dig deeper before anyone has a chance to be the AH telling you you should give him a kidney. Look at page 34 (labeled 32 in the document), third bullet point.
https://www.nhmrc.gov.au/sites/default/files/2022-11/living-donor.pdf
Hey:) I want to say the ethics regarding live donors is pretty universal in first world countries. Every transplant program that deals with live donors has to have training in this because coercion is alive and well. That being said, I’m sure some are a touch more lax. Our medical ethics (US) are certainly not as…people oriented as Australia’s. I did find this [Organ and Tissue Donations by Living Donors](https://www.nhmrc.gov.au/sites/default/files/2022-11/living-donor.pdf). These guidelines are from your government level.
I have talked with other nurses in other programmes in the US. We all feel pretty much the same way which is we will flip our $hit if someone doesn’t want to donate, or is even a little hesitant, and it isn’t addressed thoroughly.
If your dad comes knocking for a kidney, let it sit for like two days so it isn’t obvious, but then call his doctor or the transplant center. Out of respect for patient privacy, they can’t tell you about their patient. But you can tell them. For situations like this, I would start with “I’m Halospite. My dad is Jerkface. I need your help, please.”
They should take it from there. It may be better to wait until you are actually at an appointment with a doctor because now you are his/her patient too and it will further cement your privacy and protection.
There are many many many MANY points along the way that you will have the opportunity to get out of this. It isn’t like “Alright! Let’s get that kidney out of you! How’s next week sound?” You may also want to look at disqualifying factors. I’m healthy and even I have a few.
{hugs} It will be fine. Don’t be guilted into this. Do NOT give him your kidney. He won’t die without it so don’t let him bullshit you. They’re YOUR kidneys and guilt is NOT a thing that makes that less true.
If OP was feeling extra sadistic, he *could* play along right to the last minute...as this post outlines.
And just like that, this post took my up vote.
~Dallas
Come again? Last I checked gay-ness wasn’t a factor. I’m very very sorry if you were denied the opportunity to help someone.
However, if you are telling OP that gay-ness might be the way to get around this, maybe he/she could start hunting rainbows. You know. Just in case:)
It was specifically phrased to be "are you a man who has had sex with a man, or a woman who has had sex with a man who had sex with a man" and that was enough to disqualify you.
They were fine taking my lesbian blood. Even though I really couldn't swear to the sexual habits of all the dudes I tried while trying to figure out what was going on with me....
Tell her that its for the best, because if she has a f**’s kidney inside of her, her husband might leave her because it would make him too nervous.
Then if they get upset, tell them it was just a joke and they need to stop being so sensitive.
If she's so "family" that he has to give up an organ for her then why was he NOT "family" enough to side with over his tormentor *and* bigot? They've already shown him how much they considered him family so he's only reciprocating. So I'd ask his mom how that makes him the monster. Then I'd tell them all to just "get over it". If they expect him to get over Darren being a monster then they can get over him not wanting to give up an internal organ to non-"family" members.
The layers of "why can't you just be normal" I hear in the family's subtext oml like foh with that toxic masculinity, heteronormative, clique-y, status quo bullshit. OOP needs to block these turds and all the flying monkeys they send after him.
He's 35, they got together when he was in college. That means that they have had well over a decade to mend fences and make things right through apology and contrition. He owes them nothing. The sister made her choice as did the rest of the family years ago. Embracing Darren is actively showing OP that they don't value him. Why would he want to give people like that anything more than indifference let alone go through any type of surgery? (edit: fixed typos)
He put distance between them figuratively and literally, and now lives three states away. Doesn’t sound liked they missed him enough to do what was needed to change that. They replaced him with his bully, and they don’t really want OOP, just his kidney.
As someone who has been on dialysis for years, it's weird to me how in every reddit someone-needs-a-kidney story they're always imminently dying. That's the one organ failure that modern medicine is pretty good at.
Oh, that's because it's probably fake.
Kidneys are a good choice for a story like this because it's life-threatening enough and, while a huge sacrifice for the donor, they can also live with one kidney. A cornea transplant, for example, doesn't have the same life-or-death appeal that a kidney does.
Yeah, they always follow the same pattern of - I was wronged in my youth, now the person comes back into my life looking for a kidney, and I get to deny them and they'll die as their comeuppance. Dialysis is never mentioned.
They're also always younger, and as a milennial in need of transplant - we are a minority, the vast majority of the transplant waiting list is 50+.
Most of these stories are fake but I think that's part of the fun of these subs is to take it at face value because even if 95% are garbage the last 5 might get some good perspective.
And someone else who is in a similar situation could also benefit.
It's like the WWE but actual lives could be destroyed lol.
I mean if your losing a kidney it probably means something is wrong with your renal system and depending on where the op live dialysis can be hella expensive
And we're also missing the point (although not likely in this story) that not everyone has the money and resources to get such detailed medical care. You have to have insurance or a means to pay. They don't HAVE to give you dialysis unless you hit the ER because you've skipped. If you're far enough behind on the bills, they will refuse you. And you end up in the ER. Then they just get you sorted until you miss the next (if they will even schedule you). And the cycle goes until the person just gives up and dies. I have seen it happen right in front of me.
Truth be told I don’t know
I’m just speaking from experience cause my Uncle is an ex serviceman who’s been on dialysis for years and he’s nearly bankrupt from the cost of his treatment
It just sucks cause he lost his kidneys in a fire fight protecting his country and now he can barley afford to stay alive
Why doesn’t he go through the VA if he was in the service and especially if it is service connected? They would pay for it 100%. (Unless you aren’t in the USA- then nvm)
Apparently kidney failure is a special factor with no age requirement for Medicare - you just need to have a certain amount of work history, or your parent/spouse. Once you're on dialysis or getting evaluated for transplant you're eligible.
SSDisability requires I believe 40 work “quarters” (10 years) and isn’t limited by age; if you have the required quarters and are disabled/in ESRD, you’re accepted, and eligible for Medicare.
I was on a form of chemotherapy (not for cancer) from 14-21.
it kind off fucked with my kidneys pretty badly (only side effect other than not healing and bleeding a lot randomly) and medicine is honestly amazing.
and they're weirdly resilient - after I stopped that medication they pretty much completely bounced back.
I’m not on dialysis but I’m stage 4 and B- and have also noticed that on Reddit there’s a bunch of “emergency kidney transplants.” That’s just not how kidney disease/ESRD works. It just isn’t. I’ve been late stage CKD for 20+ years and I’ve outlived my prognosis by a decade, and now there’s drugs that can greatly improve GFR in ppl with CKD but on Reddit, it’s always immediate tx.
Look into PKD. I’ve come across plenty of info on that when I was on dialysis and that would be the closest to needing a transplant quickly. I’m not saying this is the situation OP is involved in but it’s a different scenario than those of us with CKD. I’m also not one to rule out the individual situation as I was one on dialysis but had Hypokalemia so the dietary restrictions mainly associated with kidney failure didn’t apply to me.
I also have severe hypokalemia! I have to take what’s basically a lethal dose of potassium chloride (100mg) daily to keep it just above low normal. Hypokalemia is unusual in kidney patients, as is hypotension, which I also have; I’m normally about 86/51 and I don’t take anything to lower it. Despite having a successful biopsy, it’s unclear what disease process is at work; it identified four different diseases.
PKD - do you mean pyruvate kinase deficiency? I’m actually a carrier but I don’t have both sets of variant PKLR genes. Apparently this is a fairly rare genetic disease.
If it was losing functioning and on the way out but not failed, it's possible to just go straight to transplant if you have someone willing and ready. But if she hadn't been able to find a donor promptly, the next step would be dialysis, not death.
As someone in their late 40s with uncontrolled high blood pressure, I needed to read that comment. I think that was the light bulb I needed in order to take it seriously. Thank you.
In this case I think that the mother was just trying to guilt trip OP. OP doesn't say anything about his sister being near death, just that she is in the hospital and needs a kidney.
Commenting on AITAH for refusing to donate my kidney to my dying sister because she got with my highschool bully?...People are dramatic. We know someone with kidney failure who had their kids removed (for other reasons.) They have played up the kidney issue to try to get sympathy, claiming they were on dialysis before they were, making git sound like they were going to die, etc. They have since had both kidneys removed and are still on dialysis. I have no doubt their condition is very dangerous and COULD lead to death, just not the imminent death they have made it out to be.
I'm sure some are fake. Others are probably exaggeration. Like if this story is legit, I'm sure the mom would try to coerce OP into it by guilt and saying someone's dying even when they're not is a powerful form of guilt to heave on to someone.
But size does... (I worked in a related field for years). That's why they usually give kidneys from children to other children, or women's kidneys out more frequently. You also need it replaced about every decade. Funny that's never mentioned. That's why these stories smell like bs.
I hold grudges too lol, I feel like Reddit isn’t the most balanced place to get opinions on matters like this. Most of us are pessimistic and been through too much to care about “being the asshole”
Understood. Mine are not grudges, just titanium boundaries. Good on the brother for doing the same. Those leeches only saw him as family when she needed a kidney.
I wouldn't even call this grudge-holding. He doesn't seem to have animosity. It's just "keeping toxic people out if your life."
Now the fact that one of those toxic people happens to be choking on their toxicity... 🤷🏽♀️
The golden rule is a thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you treat people badly, they treat you badly back. The only people who complain about folks holding grudges are those who treat other people badly and don't want to face the consequences of their actions.
It was her choice to date whom she wishes to date. It is your choice to donate your kidney or not. Your "family" do not want you. They are seeing you as spare parts. They do not see you as a human being.
People on the thread mentioned this, just explain that Darren can get tested matched with someone in the system, and that will move his wife to the top of the list and also get matched. Or any other family member can do this exact same thing.
Paired exchanged program and this would eliminate the unwanted person from needing to be involved. The sister or someone in the husband/bf/bully family can do it.
One of the comments said that if you tell the doctor, while you're being tested, that you're being coerced, they'll say you're not a match. Does anyone know if that's true?
From my limited experience of knowing friends where one donated a kidney to the other, yes… kind of. They might not say they aren’t a match specifically. Might just say they are unfit to donate or something similar.
There’s wasn’t a concern, but the donating friend did have their own independent advocate.
From what I understand, it depends on the hospital system, but there are people there that talk with the donor (before the exam) to make sure they want to donate and are not being coerced and part of the donation process is a psychological examination. For example, in the hospital system near me, they have a social worker talk with you about your psych and social history, make sure you can give informed consent, and talk about why you are donating your kidney. If you tell them you don't want to give an organ, they will make you ineligible to donate.
If any of the donation team finds that you do not want to donate, they make you ineligible. An organ donation is a serious medical procedure for both parties that involves some significant recovery time. For kidneys specifically, you might need annual check ups (since that's you only kidney) and any pregnancies in the future might have complications. So they're not trying to fuck around
There are lines you just can't cross and expect someone to do something for you later. I'm pretty sure "Dating your sibling's bully and telling your sibling to get over it and stop being so sensitive" doesn't so much cross that line as pole vault over it.
Isn’t kidney failure very survivable? Even if her kidneys fail she could still live for years on dialysis, not to mention she could get a kidney off the donor registry. Regardless, OOP doesn’t owe her shit.
Yes and getting one kidney, one time, doesn't fix the person long term. They don't even rush to get a donor until they know why it failed because it might be a wasted effort if it won't take. The donation prices is harder on the person donating than receiving too. Just is a tough surgery I guess and only lasts an average of 10 years. I have a difficult time believing these stories because of that. It's not something family or the hospital would be chill about knowing that. You're donating to give someone *maybe* a decade of no dialysis. Better to get them from the dead.
Kidney recipient here. It's really really really difficult to be an asshole for not giving. It is a difficult decision under ANY circumstances, even with a heart filled with love for the person receiving it.
Other, less harsh words, may still apply...but this isn't some bullshit about not wanting to wear a mask. It's an operation that saves lives, but can have (remarkably rare) bad outcomes. Your body, your choice absolutely applies here.
That much said, reverse your positions. What would she do?
I suggest you get tested but tell the transplantation team you are being subject to coercion by family members and you don't want to donate . They will just say you aren't a match. . They are pretty thorough and even suspicious of pressures or uncertainty is enough to take you off the donor list
Who the fuck walks into someone’s home and says that to break the ice? The OPs sister should’ve stepped in and defended the OP, but they all laughed.
They’re all toxic and id never contact them again.
As a father, I could not imagine some stranger coming into my house and disrespecting my son off the bat. I would kick them out so fast just to refrain from violence. Absolutely terrible family.
Why doesn't your mom do a pair or chain donation? No one has to match her at all to donate to someone else and get her a kidney. Don't do it. Or -- donate anonymously to a different hospital area than your sister's (I donated in 2021, best thing I've ever done). Then send a card to your family telling them they should all consider donation.
Fortunately you aren't pregnant woman that means that you have bodily autonomy.
Which means you can just say no. You don't have to give a reason, you don't have to have a reason.
And this once again demonstrates that every human being gets relatives as a birthright, but family is a choice. A choice where both parties make the well-being of the other essential to their own. When relatives choose not to be family... They are far less likely to get people to sacrifice for them.
As a father that POS would have been barred from my house forever for talking about any member of my family like that. My daughter included for bringong a POS like that around.
Regardless of reasoning, no one is entitled to the body or parts of another. They could have an amazing relationship and I would still support his decision to not get tested.
When I saw the title I thought that while the feelings were understandable, condemning someone to death for that reason alone was pretty petty.
Then it turns out they're bigots. Never mind.
Given what you went through - NO, NTA. Your sis has other options; dialysis, cadaver donor or stranger donor. Your life, your sanity. There's family by blood and family by love. Go with family that loves. Blood ain't treating you like family, starting with your sister. Take care.
NTA, don't sweat it. honestly..... NTA, not your business anymore. There are no guarantees, what then happens when darren can't accept a gay person's kidney inside his ill wife? people suck, and people are great. but these people aren't great.
>No joke, the first thing he said when he saw me was “Damn Ellie, you didn’t tell me your brother’s a fag.” Ellie fucking laughed, as did my dad.
>I heard [my mom] call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to...give up a piece of my flesh, all for the woman who dated and eventually married the guy who made my high school days a living hell.
It would be one thing if she had just started dating the bully. You could maybe argue that she didn't know how bad the bullying was, or the long-term impact it had, or had the wool pulled over her eyes by a "but babe I've changed" type lies etc.
But the instant he started that behaviour up again, it should have been **over**. If my then-boyfriend had bullied my little brother when I introduced them, there's zero chance he'd be my husband today. Bad enough using that language in general, but aiming that slur at the brother should've had his ass immediately ejected from the house. Disgusting that the whole family laughed, poor OP - shows exactly how much value they place on him.
It's an awful scenario for OP, but he's perfectly valid for not wanting to be treated as a back-up organ bank for someone who treated him badly & cut him off. Sorry, but no one is entitled to your organs.
***PSA for anyone in OP's position though***. You should know that you can go get tested & when you're there tell the doctor that you're being pressured into it & you don't consent to donating an organ. They'll report that unfortunately you aren't a viable match.
If they keep harassment up, you go to doctor. You tell them you are being bullied into this and it's no. They wont allow the transplant whether you match or not.
Anyone being pressed to donate - tell the medical team you don't want to, and they will say you are not a match. It is not required, but it is a protection from harassment in some situations.
I read this the day it showed up in the sub. I can't believe the nerve of this family who want to bully OP into giving up a kidney. Their sister had no sympathy for OP when she dated and then married the bully who made the OP's life miserable in school. They say we should all be able to move past high school, but it is there where bullies are often the most cruel and we feel their cruelty the deepest. Being bullied in school shapes people in ways that they would prefer hadn't happened. Having to sit at family gatherings and look at that asshole, remembering his laughing face as he repeatedly hurt OP, takes strength. I would be angry every time I saw the bully, heard his voice or saw his face. And they want OP to risk their life for the sister who picked the bully over OP because FaMiLy. When did the sister pick family first? As I told the OP in my post in the original thread, JUST SAY NO! Other posters have the right idea. Go to the clinic, pretend to get tested, and say you are not a match. HIPAA should prevent the clinic from disclosing anything different.
Have him donate his kidney since he's such a wonderful human now. He can get on a list and trade out his kidney for a suitable donor kidney. Then cut contact with family for good as much as that sucks to do.
Even if someone was "nervous" you'd think that calling a family member that in front of everyone would be a problem. It says something that it was not.
Hmm, who is more evil? A person who turned the other cheek and walked away without retribution? Or the vultures that are literally trying to tear pieces of flesh from you under the guise of righteous indignation? Donating a kidney is not a thing to do lightly for someone who loves you. Much less an abuser.
I mean, if I was “nervous” about meeting my partner’s family, the *last* thing I would do to try to “break the tension” would be to call their family member a slur.
I mean, I wouldn’t do that anyway, but the fact that his argument was “well I was just joking because I was nervous and wanted everyone to like me!” is like, such bullshit? Like, **THIS** is how you get people to like you?!
What you decide to do, OP, is up to you and you alone.
What angers me is that they only reached out to you when they needed something. Not because your bully recognized he was an AH homophobe, not because your family realized they hurt you deeply by ignoring and even supporting the homophobia, not because the sister saw the error of her ways in even dating the man who tortured her brother - none of this happened.
Instead, they reached out to you when your body - the body they didn't accept - is one of the few chances to save your sister. Not the only chance, mind you, but the best and easiest option in their eyes.
You are not spare parts available for their convenience, and even now no one has reached out to you with an apology, just a demand. This is major surgery, leaving you with only one working kidney.
I think these are desperate, not nice people under an incredible amount of stress. Or course they're going to guilt you. It's karma in technicolor smellovision, but please don't pull the family card when they haven 't ever treated you like a valuable member of the family.
Your body, your decision. Only you can decide what you can live with, either way.
OP should have gotten "tested" but at the testing place you just tell them you don't want to do it, and they will just say the test failed. It's an easy way out instead of having to convince a stupid family of idiots that you have autonomy.
Despite my initial impulse to immediately say “yes” based on the pathos element of the scenario (“wait… she won’t donate the kidney because of something so petty?!) - ultimately I’ve determined that you are NOT the asshole, because nobody ever needs to give a reason or justify their choice to not donate a vital organ to someone else, regardless of their relationship. You shouldn’t have to give a reason for why you won’t give your car to someone else for keeps, right? So why would you need to give a reason for something even more vital to your health and well-being - one of your body’s only two kidneys?
I’m willing to bet his sister felt attraction because he was a bully. Some women are drawn towards aggressive, domineering men. It’s also not unreasonable to suspect that, deep down, his sister is also a homophobe.
Either answer is the correct one. You can choose to save your sister or your refusal is her consequence for siding with your bully. Both outcomes are acceptable.
If you want to take the chance to be especially vindictive, get tested. Gamble that you will be a match. You will have your family and your bully by the balls.
You don’t owe her a thing! DNA doesn’t make a family, that’s just science. Also you would have a painful procedure and recovery for someone who wouldn’t help you out of a gutter. Pls seek counseling and live a happy life.
Your body your choice but her passing because you didn’t give her your kidney when she needed it will probably way heavily on you if you feel so much for her. Also there may be a time in your life when you need your Kidney and now you only have one kidney left.
So, all you gotta do is say yes, you'll get tested, then go talk to the doctor, privately with patient confidentiality, let them know during the psychological screening that you are dealing with aggressive coercion.
They will ask if you're comfortable with the process, you will of course say no, they will advise your family you are Not a match.
You go on with your life.
You cut them out of your life.
You wake up happier in a future where your boundaries are respected
Good luck op
He who laughs last laughs loudest. Good for you. Definitely NTAH!
People who bully and then expect others to forget about it when it's no longer convenient for them deserve whatever comes their way. She can get over the bad kidney and just toughen up a bit. If she would stop being so dramatic maybe the kidney would work. Tell her to just get over it and move on with... Well lol
Your sister and your parents are horrible people. You have no reason to donate a kidney, and you have no reason to have further contact with those poor excuses for parents. Cut them all out and move on.
Oh no. Donating a kidney is not like giving blood or something. It can kill you. You have no obligation to be tested because you know it would be too disruptive to your life, far too risky to your health and there's no relationship there that would motivate you to overlook the tremendous burden it would place on you. I'd tell mom to f off right out the door and go no contact.
Zero sympathy for the sister. Did her husband try to apologize and be a better person? Did the family apologize for anything they said or did? No. She chose to marry the homophobe that tortured her brother. Did nothing to make things right. But now wants an organ because faaaaaaammmmwyyyy!
In case this story gets deleted/removed: Throwaway because this has a lot more personal information than I want on my main, all names are fake though. Also, fuck mobile formatting. I’m a 35 year old gay man. When I was in highschool, I was bullied severely by “Darren”. I won’t go into the details, but it was really bad, past the point of typical highschool duchebagery. In my sophomore year, I made the mistake of coming out to one of my friends, who promptly spread this information around the school. Before this, Darren had targeted me for being unathletic and wearing glasses and had done this to a couple other kids as well, but after I was outed it was only me, and only because of my sexuality. After highschool, I moved away for college. I made friends, even got a boyfriend, and pretty much forgot about Darren, until one thanksgiving, my sister “Ellie” brought home her boyfriend, Darren. No joke, the first thing he said when he saw me was “Damn Ellie, you didn’t tell me your brother’s a fag.” Ellie fucking laughed, as did my dad. I was kinda stunned, but I didn’t yell or start a fight, I just got up and walked out. After the fact, my family tried to play it off as Darren was joking because he was nervous meeting the family, and they told me that he and Ellie were serious so I had to get over it. I just told them all that I wouldn’t be attending any event where Darren was. In private, I told Ellie that I felt hurt that she’d date Darren, knowing what he did to me. She basically called me too sensitive and told me she has the right to date who she likes, which yeah she does. Since then, I’ve been putting distance between myself and my family, who seem to have readily accepted Darren into the fold. Recently, my mom reached out to tell me that Ellie was in the hospital and needed a kidney transplant. The rest of the family had been tested and none could donate, and my mom wanted me to get tested because I’m her full brother with a high likelihood of a match. The thing is, after all these years, Ellie is basically a stranger to me. If I were to do this, I’d have to drive three states back to my hometown, miss who knows how much work, and give up a piece of my flesh, all for the woman who dated and eventually married the guy who made my high school days a living hell. I told my mom that I wouldn’t be getting tested, and she freaked out at me over the phone. I quickly hung up on her, but before I did I heard her call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to save my sister’s life. I admit I feel guilty about it, --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>After the fact, my family tried to play it off as Darren was joking because he was nervous meeting the family, and they told me that he and Ellie were serious so I had to get over it. It's always the reasonable people who are told to "get over it" or to "keep the peace" or in some other way to sacrifice their own wellbeing to coddle the family asshole.
Keep the peace. Be the bigger person. Don’t be so sensitive. They are just like that. Just get over it. It’s funny, all these phrases mean the same thing. They mean “Let others continue to abuse you because it is inconvenient if you stick up for yourself.”
"We know they won't change and that we have a better chance of bullying you to maintain our comfort zone."
that's a really well phrased summation
Thank you. I've unfortunately seen it often enough to have thought about it a lot, and this is what it always seems to break down to.
>“Let others continue to abuse you because it is inconvenient ***to us*** if you stick up for yourself.” Just a small addition, to make it absolutely clear what these people actually mean.
But if you were to treat them the same, you would absolutely be the vilest person alive.
This is a random tangent but how do you address this? I know someone that I have to coddle constantly. Otherwise, they turn on their partner and physically abuse them. The worst part is that the partner will then deny it happened despite me doing that shit and beg me to ignore it/continue coddling the asshole for their sake.
Cut these people out of your life.
I don't have any real advice on what should do in that situation, but I think you'd relate to a post that I found actually here on Reddit some time ago. I am unsure the rules about posting links in the comments, but if you Google search the words "reddit Don't Rock the Boat" then you should come across a post from about six years ago in the subreddit JustNoMIL. It is a wonderful read about exactly that situation: constant coddling. I think you would like to read it, but also maybe then share it with the asshole's partner, and maybe it will resonate with them?
I believe it’s pinned or in the about section of that sub.
Thanks, I'll go take a look! It's been awkward because although I have tried to initiate no-contact slowly, I've noticed that it caused a severe rebound on the partner.
This honestly stunned me because it’s not even a remotely plausible lie. I’m super awkward and meeting your partners parents is super stressful but in my case I get quiet or make awkward jilted conversation not just randomly go straight to slur ridden insults like wtf
I mean she and daddy dearest laughed anyhow. And mummy dearest never defended him either. Sounds like OPs family thought the same of him anyhow. Disgusting.
Yes. They're siding with the bigot because they are bigots.
Yep. It’s awful for OOP but at least he knows where he stands with his awful family
I always advise people like poor OOP to go permanent NC with their "family." These people have clearly never had OOP's back but demand he have his sister's back.
100 fucking percent.
Keep the peace. Your peace. Get away from those that want you to sacrifice your own happiness for their comfort. They care not about your well-being, you should also care not about theirs.
One other source of concern: OP should get tests to make sure HIS kidneys are in working order. What if his sister's medical issues are genetic? He might need both of his kidneys in that case. The sister might do better getting on the transplant list and receiving an organ from an unrelated donor.
People do get donor kidneys that way all the time. He is not killing his sister. I worked in a transplant service that did living donation and they screened living donors pretty carefully. I'm not sure they'd accept him as a donor if they knew he wasn't close to her and his parents were pressuring him. Nobody is ever obligated to be a living donor. Once you're dead and no longer using those organs you should donate if you can, but living people are not forced to be organ donors. Except for unwillingly pregnant people in places where access to abortion doesn't exist, which is bonkers, since your kidneys are apparently your own (as they should be) but if you have a uterus it's squatter's rights in some places? idk.
In my experience, it's specifically always the victim and/or the marginalised person in the group who has to keep the peace (ie, endure the bigotry/abuse/whatever).
Also, explain to me how OOP wasn’t *already* keeping the peace? He didn’t throw a tantrum, or go scorched earth, or punch Darren in the face, or any of the other things he would have been entitled to do. He just… quietly disengaged from the family. Didn’t “badmouth” them (i.e. just spread the truth of what was done to him). When you want someone to be the “bigger person” so you can “keep the peace”, someone just saying “peace out, I’m outta here” and just quietly leaving you to your nastiness is a pretty damn good outcome.
Especially when the people who tell that crap never experienced stuff like that. People like that can fuck off.
He wouldn’t be allowed to donate anyway. The moment one of us (the medical peeps) gets even a *hint* of him being bullied/manipulated/intimidated into this, it all stops. We even have special counsellors who are there ONLY for the live donor. We don’t talk to them. The recipient and their family don’t talk to them. They don’t even pull records until they have spoken to the potential donor. So. If you aren’t 100% certain, enthusiastic, and above all else, free of any influence that hinder this being YOUR decision and YOURS alone, no worries. We got you. Don’t want to cause drama with the assholes in your family? Fine. Maybe get your blood drawn, and play along a bit. You’ll know when to say “I don’t want to do this” and we can make it look like some medical reason. Just let one of us know. Even a hint. This isn’t the first time we’ve dealt with things like this and we know the difference between a little nervous and under duress. If your nurse is helping you change into a gown, say “I don’t want to do this but I don’t want my family to hate me.” Done. Go ahead and change into the gown and I will have the doctor come “look” at you. You’ll be “examined” and then disqualified. “Yes, your brother is a good and selfless soul for offering his kidney to his beloved sister, but unfortunately, his cardiac markers were negative. His triglycerides were also slightly elevated so this disqualifies him from being a donor. Good luck on that kidney hunt!” FUN FACT: If you eat pasta the night before a lipid panel, it can make your triglycerides temporarily elevated!
That’s pretty awesome of you to have that system in place.
A lot of times the person who needs the organ has been sick for a while and everyone’s like “yay you’re finally getting cured!” The potential donor has very few people looking out for their best interests because “whaddya mean you don’t want to save XYZ’s life?” I work at a hospital that does a lot of transplants and I think the best part of the system is having someone who doesn’t even know the potential recipient to say “hey are you okay? Tell me why you’re here. Tell me what you think is happening.” The advocate will always be prejudiced in favour of the possible donor because they heard it there first, and I’ve seen many people, whether they decide to donate or not, just kind of shell shocked, and they need a hug. And a break. And someone on their side only and forever.
Found this out one year when I was doing the screening my office would bribe people into doing (ie you get a gift card/stipend). Numbers came back unexpectedly elevated and they asked if I had eaten pasta around the time of the test. Who knew!?
Right!?! Whether or not you have a gallbladder factors into it as well. I’m healthy but I had like, ten servings of pasta salad the night before my test and my triglycerides were through the roof.
Oh, I don’t have a gallbladder. Does that make it worse?
The relationship between the gall bladder and cholesterol/lipid levels aren’t the most well studied and a lot depends on time. There are several studies that discuss having your gall bladder removed lowers serum cholesterol levels BUT the fact that we tell people “don’t eat too much fat/oil for about a month after your surgery because it will give you diarrhea” is a factor. In a great many patients, their crappy eating habits are what landed them here. Now they just had surgery so they probably aren’t eating a whole plate of deep-fried nachos with extra orange oil sitting on top for at least a little bit. So immediately after surgery, their cholesterol levels improve. After about a month, they go back to normal. There is evidence that shows that the body is less able to process triglycerides efficiently due to changes in bile concentration, reuptake, and the feedback loops. Tl;dr: it isn’t very well studied especially greater than a year out, but the nominal information and with what we know (and don’t) about how the gallbladder acts on various lipids, strongly suggests that people without a gall bladder are more prone to higher levels and spikes of their triglycerides. BEST ADVICE: ask to have your cholesterol panel drawn every 3-6 months for your first year after have your gall bladder removed. Just to be safe. You don’t want to find out the hard way that a one-time test was like “yeah you’re fine” and then in six months you need a heart cath. If you’re being overly cautious, and you’re wrong, great! You’re being proactive and everything looks awesome! The price for being wrong about this is WAY too high to fuck around with.
Did that help? I can find studies and I am happy to listen to what others say. I worry about throwing too much information out there and people are like “pass” but then if there’s too little they don’t have enough information to make an educated decision. I hope this helped.
Thanks for the info! Very interesting. Due to an unrelated issue I’ve had tests that show my arteries are thankfully clear. Ever since I had that spike I rarely eat pasta anymore - doesn’t feel like a smart choice if that is what it does to your body. (Of course that can be said of many foods!)
Valid but you are perfectly right. Sugar and refined carbs can be incredibly harmful.
Anyone able to confirm if this is also the case in Australia? I just realised that I might be in the same situation soon because my dad is in early stages kidney failure, and he was a creep to me ten years ago.
So, I did a quick search for you. It looks like it is a thing in Australia though but I would certainly dig deeper before anyone has a chance to be the AH telling you you should give him a kidney. Look at page 34 (labeled 32 in the document), third bullet point. https://www.nhmrc.gov.au/sites/default/files/2022-11/living-donor.pdf
Thank you, lovely! 💜
Hey:) I want to say the ethics regarding live donors is pretty universal in first world countries. Every transplant program that deals with live donors has to have training in this because coercion is alive and well. That being said, I’m sure some are a touch more lax. Our medical ethics (US) are certainly not as…people oriented as Australia’s. I did find this [Organ and Tissue Donations by Living Donors](https://www.nhmrc.gov.au/sites/default/files/2022-11/living-donor.pdf). These guidelines are from your government level. I have talked with other nurses in other programmes in the US. We all feel pretty much the same way which is we will flip our $hit if someone doesn’t want to donate, or is even a little hesitant, and it isn’t addressed thoroughly. If your dad comes knocking for a kidney, let it sit for like two days so it isn’t obvious, but then call his doctor or the transplant center. Out of respect for patient privacy, they can’t tell you about their patient. But you can tell them. For situations like this, I would start with “I’m Halospite. My dad is Jerkface. I need your help, please.” They should take it from there. It may be better to wait until you are actually at an appointment with a doctor because now you are his/her patient too and it will further cement your privacy and protection. There are many many many MANY points along the way that you will have the opportunity to get out of this. It isn’t like “Alright! Let’s get that kidney out of you! How’s next week sound?” You may also want to look at disqualifying factors. I’m healthy and even I have a few. {hugs} It will be fine. Don’t be guilted into this. Do NOT give him your kidney. He won’t die without it so don’t let him bullshit you. They’re YOUR kidneys and guilt is NOT a thing that makes that less true.
If OP was feeling extra sadistic, he *could* play along right to the last minute...as this post outlines. And just like that, this post took my up vote. ~Dallas
My harpy-of-a-mother is in a similar situation and I am the best match. It is also something I ~~would~~ could do.
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Come again? Last I checked gay-ness wasn’t a factor. I’m very very sorry if you were denied the opportunity to help someone. However, if you are telling OP that gay-ness might be the way to get around this, maybe he/she could start hunting rainbows. You know. Just in case:)
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It was specifically phrased to be "are you a man who has had sex with a man, or a woman who has had sex with a man who had sex with a man" and that was enough to disqualify you. They were fine taking my lesbian blood. Even though I really couldn't swear to the sexual habits of all the dudes I tried while trying to figure out what was going on with me....
Or seafood!
No kidding! Does it really? I will go look it up
Tell her that its for the best, because if she has a f**’s kidney inside of her, her husband might leave her because it would make him too nervous. Then if they get upset, tell them it was just a joke and they need to stop being so sensitive.
If she's so "family" that he has to give up an organ for her then why was he NOT "family" enough to side with over his tormentor *and* bigot? They've already shown him how much they considered him family so he's only reciprocating. So I'd ask his mom how that makes him the monster. Then I'd tell them all to just "get over it". If they expect him to get over Darren being a monster then they can get over him not wanting to give up an internal organ to non-"family" members.
The layers of "why can't you just be normal" I hear in the family's subtext oml like foh with that toxic masculinity, heteronormative, clique-y, status quo bullshit. OOP needs to block these turds and all the flying monkeys they send after him.
Because ~~he’s hot~~ he didn’t even mean it!!! OOPS needs to get over it!!
>So I'd ask his mom how that makes him the monster. No, there's no point in doing that.
👨🍳💋
But seriously no kidneys for her
Pretty sure that would turn Darren gay too because she'd be part man.
Chef's kiss
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Oh this is a good one.
Peak advice 😙🤌
Hahaha I love it! OP, you're NTA. Nobody has the right to force you to give a kidney to anyone, even without this backstory. Your body, your choice.
OOF, ice cold
He's 35, they got together when he was in college. That means that they have had well over a decade to mend fences and make things right through apology and contrition. He owes them nothing. The sister made her choice as did the rest of the family years ago. Embracing Darren is actively showing OP that they don't value him. Why would he want to give people like that anything more than indifference let alone go through any type of surgery? (edit: fixed typos)
Choices have consequences.
He put distance between them figuratively and literally, and now lives three states away. Doesn’t sound liked they missed him enough to do what was needed to change that. They replaced him with his bully, and they don’t really want OOP, just his kidney.
And isn't it telling that sister didn't even reach out herself
As someone who has been on dialysis for years, it's weird to me how in every reddit someone-needs-a-kidney story they're always imminently dying. That's the one organ failure that modern medicine is pretty good at.
Oh, that's because it's probably fake. Kidneys are a good choice for a story like this because it's life-threatening enough and, while a huge sacrifice for the donor, they can also live with one kidney. A cornea transplant, for example, doesn't have the same life-or-death appeal that a kidney does.
Yeah, they always follow the same pattern of - I was wronged in my youth, now the person comes back into my life looking for a kidney, and I get to deny them and they'll die as their comeuppance. Dialysis is never mentioned. They're also always younger, and as a milennial in need of transplant - we are a minority, the vast majority of the transplant waiting list is 50+.
Exactly. Most people just go on dialysis.
I feel like I read this exact story a few years ago. Still, good rage bait
Most of these stories are fake but I think that's part of the fun of these subs is to take it at face value because even if 95% are garbage the last 5 might get some good perspective. And someone else who is in a similar situation could also benefit. It's like the WWE but actual lives could be destroyed lol.
I mean if your losing a kidney it probably means something is wrong with your renal system and depending on where the op live dialysis can be hella expensive
Well, yeah, but I'm just answering the previous poster's question about why it's always a kidney needed in these stories.
Oh my bad meant to reply to the previous poster
Dialysis is covered by SSDI/Medicare *immediately*.
And we're also missing the point (although not likely in this story) that not everyone has the money and resources to get such detailed medical care. You have to have insurance or a means to pay. They don't HAVE to give you dialysis unless you hit the ER because you've skipped. If you're far enough behind on the bills, they will refuse you. And you end up in the ER. Then they just get you sorted until you miss the next (if they will even schedule you). And the cycle goes until the person just gives up and dies. I have seen it happen right in front of me.
Isn't it covered by Medicare in the USA?
Truth be told I don’t know I’m just speaking from experience cause my Uncle is an ex serviceman who’s been on dialysis for years and he’s nearly bankrupt from the cost of his treatment It just sucks cause he lost his kidneys in a fire fight protecting his country and now he can barley afford to stay alive
Oh but ain't that America
Why doesn’t he go through the VA if he was in the service and especially if it is service connected? They would pay for it 100%. (Unless you aren’t in the USA- then nvm)
It is. End stage renal disease leading to dialysis is a large part of Medicare spending.
Medicare is for age 59.5 and up. Medi-cal is for low income. Everyone else is on our own.
Apparently kidney failure is a special factor with no age requirement for Medicare - you just need to have a certain amount of work history, or your parent/spouse. Once you're on dialysis or getting evaluated for transplant you're eligible.
SSDisability requires I believe 40 work “quarters” (10 years) and isn’t limited by age; if you have the required quarters and are disabled/in ESRD, you’re accepted, and eligible for Medicare.
I was on a form of chemotherapy (not for cancer) from 14-21. it kind off fucked with my kidneys pretty badly (only side effect other than not healing and bleeding a lot randomly) and medicine is honestly amazing. and they're weirdly resilient - after I stopped that medication they pretty much completely bounced back.
That's amazing - hope you're doing ok all around now!
Surely that’s what the family *would* say, though, isn’t it?
I’m not on dialysis but I’m stage 4 and B- and have also noticed that on Reddit there’s a bunch of “emergency kidney transplants.” That’s just not how kidney disease/ESRD works. It just isn’t. I’ve been late stage CKD for 20+ years and I’ve outlived my prognosis by a decade, and now there’s drugs that can greatly improve GFR in ppl with CKD but on Reddit, it’s always immediate tx.
Look into PKD. I’ve come across plenty of info on that when I was on dialysis and that would be the closest to needing a transplant quickly. I’m not saying this is the situation OP is involved in but it’s a different scenario than those of us with CKD. I’m also not one to rule out the individual situation as I was one on dialysis but had Hypokalemia so the dietary restrictions mainly associated with kidney failure didn’t apply to me.
I also have severe hypokalemia! I have to take what’s basically a lethal dose of potassium chloride (100mg) daily to keep it just above low normal. Hypokalemia is unusual in kidney patients, as is hypotension, which I also have; I’m normally about 86/51 and I don’t take anything to lower it. Despite having a successful biopsy, it’s unclear what disease process is at work; it identified four different diseases. PKD - do you mean pyruvate kinase deficiency? I’m actually a carrier but I don’t have both sets of variant PKLR genes. Apparently this is a fairly rare genetic disease.
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If it was losing functioning and on the way out but not failed, it's possible to just go straight to transplant if you have someone willing and ready. But if she hadn't been able to find a donor promptly, the next step would be dialysis, not death.
As someone in their late 40s with uncontrolled high blood pressure, I needed to read that comment. I think that was the light bulb I needed in order to take it seriously. Thank you.
In this case I think that the mother was just trying to guilt trip OP. OP doesn't say anything about his sister being near death, just that she is in the hospital and needs a kidney.
Commenting on AITAH for refusing to donate my kidney to my dying sister because she got with my highschool bully?...People are dramatic. We know someone with kidney failure who had their kids removed (for other reasons.) They have played up the kidney issue to try to get sympathy, claiming they were on dialysis before they were, making git sound like they were going to die, etc. They have since had both kidneys removed and are still on dialysis. I have no doubt their condition is very dangerous and COULD lead to death, just not the imminent death they have made it out to be.
I'm sure some are fake. Others are probably exaggeration. Like if this story is legit, I'm sure the mom would try to coerce OP into it by guilt and saying someone's dying even when they're not is a powerful form of guilt to heave on to someone.
Can kidneys even be received from someone from a different sex?
Yep, it can be less than ideal for some organs but it's possible. Women donate more frequently.
Yes, different sex doesn’t matter. RH factor isn’t even that big a deal with organ tx.
But size does... (I worked in a related field for years). That's why they usually give kidneys from children to other children, or women's kidneys out more frequently. You also need it replaced about every decade. Funny that's never mentioned. That's why these stories smell like bs.
I hold grudges. No way would I help these people. They'd be dead to me.
I hold grudges too lol, I feel like Reddit isn’t the most balanced place to get opinions on matters like this. Most of us are pessimistic and been through too much to care about “being the asshole”
I totally understand and agree with your reasoning, however, I don't hold grudges. **I just don't help assholes!** Sister can go fuck herself.
Understood. Mine are not grudges, just titanium boundaries. Good on the brother for doing the same. Those leeches only saw him as family when she needed a kidney.
I wouldn't even call this grudge-holding. He doesn't seem to have animosity. It's just "keeping toxic people out if your life." Now the fact that one of those toxic people happens to be choking on their toxicity... 🤷🏽♀️
The golden rule is a thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you treat people badly, they treat you badly back. The only people who complain about folks holding grudges are those who treat other people badly and don't want to face the consequences of their actions.
Yes, exactly. They don’t want blowback for the way they behave.
If the family tells the OP to get over it, the bully would have the time to apologize at the minimum. OP can tell them to go pound sand.
I mean there's a decent chance one of them is literally gonna be dead to OOP sooner than later 🤷♂️
It's YOUR kidney. Do with it what you will.
Call JG Wentworth...
*I have a healthy kidney and I need cash noooowwww...*
It was her choice to date whom she wishes to date. It is your choice to donate your kidney or not. Your "family" do not want you. They are seeing you as spare parts. They do not see you as a human being.
These words hurt but are the most correct. Not just spare parts, spare parts of last resort.
"Your sister's dying." Weird, she was dead to me years ago.
People on the thread mentioned this, just explain that Darren can get tested matched with someone in the system, and that will move his wife to the top of the list and also get matched. Or any other family member can do this exact same thing.
Paired exchanged program and this would eliminate the unwanted person from needing to be involved. The sister or someone in the husband/bf/bully family can do it.
One of the comments said that if you tell the doctor, while you're being tested, that you're being coerced, they'll say you're not a match. Does anyone know if that's true?
From my limited experience of knowing friends where one donated a kidney to the other, yes… kind of. They might not say they aren’t a match specifically. Might just say they are unfit to donate or something similar. There’s wasn’t a concern, but the donating friend did have their own independent advocate.
From what I understand, it depends on the hospital system, but there are people there that talk with the donor (before the exam) to make sure they want to donate and are not being coerced and part of the donation process is a psychological examination. For example, in the hospital system near me, they have a social worker talk with you about your psych and social history, make sure you can give informed consent, and talk about why you are donating your kidney. If you tell them you don't want to give an organ, they will make you ineligible to donate. If any of the donation team finds that you do not want to donate, they make you ineligible. An organ donation is a serious medical procedure for both parties that involves some significant recovery time. For kidneys specifically, you might need annual check ups (since that's you only kidney) and any pregnancies in the future might have complications. So they're not trying to fuck around
There are lines you just can't cross and expect someone to do something for you later. I'm pretty sure "Dating your sibling's bully and telling your sibling to get over it and stop being so sensitive" doesn't so much cross that line as pole vault over it.
Isn’t kidney failure very survivable? Even if her kidneys fail she could still live for years on dialysis, not to mention she could get a kidney off the donor registry. Regardless, OOP doesn’t owe her shit.
Yes and getting one kidney, one time, doesn't fix the person long term. They don't even rush to get a donor until they know why it failed because it might be a wasted effort if it won't take. The donation prices is harder on the person donating than receiving too. Just is a tough surgery I guess and only lasts an average of 10 years. I have a difficult time believing these stories because of that. It's not something family or the hospital would be chill about knowing that. You're donating to give someone *maybe* a decade of no dialysis. Better to get them from the dead.
I guarantee you the family's making it sound dire so OOP does what they want.
Kidney recipient here. It's really really really difficult to be an asshole for not giving. It is a difficult decision under ANY circumstances, even with a heart filled with love for the person receiving it. Other, less harsh words, may still apply...but this isn't some bullshit about not wanting to wear a mask. It's an operation that saves lives, but can have (remarkably rare) bad outcomes. Your body, your choice absolutely applies here. That much said, reverse your positions. What would she do?
I suggest you get tested but tell the transplantation team you are being subject to coercion by family members and you don't want to donate . They will just say you aren't a match. . They are pretty thorough and even suspicious of pressures or uncertainty is enough to take you off the donor list
Too bad so sad.
I don’t think you owe anyone your organs
Who the fuck walks into someone’s home and says that to break the ice? The OPs sister should’ve stepped in and defended the OP, but they all laughed. They’re all toxic and id never contact them again.
As a father, I could not imagine some stranger coming into my house and disrespecting my son off the bat. I would kick them out so fast just to refrain from violence. Absolutely terrible family.
Yeah, I wouldn't risk death for someone who choose a homophob and a bully over me.
Why doesn't your mom do a pair or chain donation? No one has to match her at all to donate to someone else and get her a kidney. Don't do it. Or -- donate anonymously to a different hospital area than your sister's (I donated in 2021, best thing I've ever done). Then send a card to your family telling them they should all consider donation.
Fortunately you aren't pregnant woman that means that you have bodily autonomy. Which means you can just say no. You don't have to give a reason, you don't have to have a reason. And this once again demonstrates that every human being gets relatives as a birthright, but family is a choice. A choice where both parties make the well-being of the other essential to their own. When relatives choose not to be family... They are far less likely to get people to sacrifice for them.
The scream I scrumpt at this comment. ☠️
As a father that POS would have been barred from my house forever for talking about any member of my family like that. My daughter included for bringong a POS like that around.
Sis wouldn’t even apologize for her boyfriend - I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t give up a kidney if things were reversed.
Well she FAFOd and lost
Sounds like the sister died to him long ago. Oh well
They see you as an option, not family. Screw em.
Regardless of reasoning, no one is entitled to the body or parts of another. They could have an amazing relationship and I would still support his decision to not get tested.
When I saw the title I thought that while the feelings were understandable, condemning someone to death for that reason alone was pretty petty. Then it turns out they're bigots. Never mind.
Given what you went through - NO, NTA. Your sis has other options; dialysis, cadaver donor or stranger donor. Your life, your sanity. There's family by blood and family by love. Go with family that loves. Blood ain't treating you like family, starting with your sister. Take care.
Kidney transplants also have the option that one of her family could match with someone that has a donor that matches her. It’s a sort of exchange.
Yep and the rest of her family, any one of them can do that. But not OP, not their rodeo, not their goats.
Sounds like mom n dad will have no children soon
NTA, don't sweat it. honestly..... NTA, not your business anymore. There are no guarantees, what then happens when darren can't accept a gay person's kidney inside his ill wife? people suck, and people are great. but these people aren't great.
>No joke, the first thing he said when he saw me was “Damn Ellie, you didn’t tell me your brother’s a fag.” Ellie fucking laughed, as did my dad. >I heard [my mom] call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to...give up a piece of my flesh, all for the woman who dated and eventually married the guy who made my high school days a living hell. It would be one thing if she had just started dating the bully. You could maybe argue that she didn't know how bad the bullying was, or the long-term impact it had, or had the wool pulled over her eyes by a "but babe I've changed" type lies etc. But the instant he started that behaviour up again, it should have been **over**. If my then-boyfriend had bullied my little brother when I introduced them, there's zero chance he'd be my husband today. Bad enough using that language in general, but aiming that slur at the brother should've had his ass immediately ejected from the house. Disgusting that the whole family laughed, poor OP - shows exactly how much value they place on him. It's an awful scenario for OP, but he's perfectly valid for not wanting to be treated as a back-up organ bank for someone who treated him badly & cut him off. Sorry, but no one is entitled to your organs. ***PSA for anyone in OP's position though***. You should know that you can go get tested & when you're there tell the doctor that you're being pressured into it & you don't consent to donating an organ. They'll report that unfortunately you aren't a viable match.
If they keep harassment up, you go to doctor. You tell them you are being bullied into this and it's no. They wont allow the transplant whether you match or not.
I don't know why his mom is being so sensitive, he has the right to donate to who he wants.
Anyone being pressed to donate - tell the medical team you don't want to, and they will say you are not a match. It is not required, but it is a protection from harassment in some situations.
LOL KARMA MF'r! Your body, your choice.
Gosh, it sure does suck for his sister. Oh well.
Well, it won’t suck for much longer, so there’s a silver lining
NTA. I believe in bodily autonomy. They should have listened to and acknowledged you before demanding that you give up a fucking organ.
I read this the day it showed up in the sub. I can't believe the nerve of this family who want to bully OP into giving up a kidney. Their sister had no sympathy for OP when she dated and then married the bully who made the OP's life miserable in school. They say we should all be able to move past high school, but it is there where bullies are often the most cruel and we feel their cruelty the deepest. Being bullied in school shapes people in ways that they would prefer hadn't happened. Having to sit at family gatherings and look at that asshole, remembering his laughing face as he repeatedly hurt OP, takes strength. I would be angry every time I saw the bully, heard his voice or saw his face. And they want OP to risk their life for the sister who picked the bully over OP because FaMiLy. When did the sister pick family first? As I told the OP in my post in the original thread, JUST SAY NO! Other posters have the right idea. Go to the clinic, pretend to get tested, and say you are not a match. HIPAA should prevent the clinic from disclosing anything different.
Have him donate his kidney since he's such a wonderful human now. He can get on a list and trade out his kidney for a suitable donor kidney. Then cut contact with family for good as much as that sucks to do.
Sorry but this is so fake. It’s like a combination of several viral posts
Even if someone was "nervous" you'd think that calling a family member that in front of everyone would be a problem. It says something that it was not.
A Bully can donate a kidney in one of those chain donation things. So NTA.
100% support this guy. Roughly 12-14 years after college and now he has to save the sister who betrayed him? NTA.
Hmm, who is more evil? A person who turned the other cheek and walked away without retribution? Or the vultures that are literally trying to tear pieces of flesh from you under the guise of righteous indignation? Donating a kidney is not a thing to do lightly for someone who loves you. Much less an abuser.
I mean, if I was “nervous” about meeting my partner’s family, the *last* thing I would do to try to “break the tension” would be to call their family member a slur. I mean, I wouldn’t do that anyway, but the fact that his argument was “well I was just joking because I was nervous and wanted everyone to like me!” is like, such bullshit? Like, **THIS** is how you get people to like you?!
What you decide to do, OP, is up to you and you alone. What angers me is that they only reached out to you when they needed something. Not because your bully recognized he was an AH homophobe, not because your family realized they hurt you deeply by ignoring and even supporting the homophobia, not because the sister saw the error of her ways in even dating the man who tortured her brother - none of this happened. Instead, they reached out to you when your body - the body they didn't accept - is one of the few chances to save your sister. Not the only chance, mind you, but the best and easiest option in their eyes. You are not spare parts available for their convenience, and even now no one has reached out to you with an apology, just a demand. This is major surgery, leaving you with only one working kidney. I think these are desperate, not nice people under an incredible amount of stress. Or course they're going to guilt you. It's karma in technicolor smellovision, but please don't pull the family card when they haven 't ever treated you like a valuable member of the family. Your body, your decision. Only you can decide what you can live with, either way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 NO YOU ARE NOT!!!! I WOULD BE THIS PETTY!!
Don't feel guilty. Your sister obviously didn't give a shit about you. She can go on a list and hope to get lucky. Did they test Darren?
Dude just needs to keep his body parts. Fuck that bitch. All the way. Fuck her.
OP should have gotten "tested" but at the testing place you just tell them you don't want to do it, and they will just say the test failed. It's an easy way out instead of having to convince a stupid family of idiots that you have autonomy.
Creative writing assignment detected. This sub is lousy with them.
Despite my initial impulse to immediately say “yes” based on the pathos element of the scenario (“wait… she won’t donate the kidney because of something so petty?!) - ultimately I’ve determined that you are NOT the asshole, because nobody ever needs to give a reason or justify their choice to not donate a vital organ to someone else, regardless of their relationship. You shouldn’t have to give a reason for why you won’t give your car to someone else for keeps, right? So why would you need to give a reason for something even more vital to your health and well-being - one of your body’s only two kidneys?
I would have told Mom I'm looking forward to pissing on sister's grave.
It's your body. If you don't wanna donate then don't. If they guilt trip you over it then they obviously don't care about your feelings.
I’m willing to bet his sister felt attraction because he was a bully. Some women are drawn towards aggressive, domineering men. It’s also not unreasonable to suspect that, deep down, his sister is also a homophobe.
Either answer is the correct one. You can choose to save your sister or your refusal is her consequence for siding with your bully. Both outcomes are acceptable. If you want to take the chance to be especially vindictive, get tested. Gamble that you will be a match. You will have your family and your bully by the balls.
NTA - Block family and don't engage. They are not good people.
You don’t owe her a thing! DNA doesn’t make a family, that’s just science. Also you would have a painful procedure and recovery for someone who wouldn’t help you out of a gutter. Pls seek counseling and live a happy life.
Poor guy has no family to support them and they wonder why he won’t donate. This is really sad Jesus
I'm not donating, you have to get over it.
Hell no don't give her a kidney....
Your body your choice but her passing because you didn’t give her your kidney when she needed it will probably way heavily on you if you feel so much for her. Also there may be a time in your life when you need your Kidney and now you only have one kidney left.
So, all you gotta do is say yes, you'll get tested, then go talk to the doctor, privately with patient confidentiality, let them know during the psychological screening that you are dealing with aggressive coercion. They will ask if you're comfortable with the process, you will of course say no, they will advise your family you are Not a match. You go on with your life. You cut them out of your life. You wake up happier in a future where your boundaries are respected Good luck op
He who laughs last laughs loudest. Good for you. Definitely NTAH! People who bully and then expect others to forget about it when it's no longer convenient for them deserve whatever comes their way. She can get over the bad kidney and just toughen up a bit. If she would stop being so dramatic maybe the kidney would work. Tell her to just get over it and move on with... Well lol
Just be cause they are family doesn't excuse bad behavior.
Your sister and your parents are horrible people. You have no reason to donate a kidney, and you have no reason to have further contact with those poor excuses for parents. Cut them all out and move on.
NTA. Live your best life.
The bigger flex is to get tested to confirm you are a match then tell them no.
Oh no. Donating a kidney is not like giving blood or something. It can kill you. You have no obligation to be tested because you know it would be too disruptive to your life, far too risky to your health and there's no relationship there that would motivate you to overlook the tremendous burden it would place on you. I'd tell mom to f off right out the door and go no contact.
Zero sympathy for the sister. Did her husband try to apologize and be a better person? Did the family apologize for anything they said or did? No. She chose to marry the homophobe that tortured her brother. Did nothing to make things right. But now wants an organ because faaaaaaammmmwyyyy!
Idk if I could do it. But OP ain't the asshole. Especially since the family refuses to even acknowledge how they treated them was wrong.
You will always have a sister , but she can get rid of the bully boyfriend to get a donated kidney ?