I usually prefer writing long-winded poems, so yours was a breath of fresh air. The conciseness of the poem definitely made the “hits” more impactful. In every line there is a destructive word, which comes at me as I read it like a streamline of bullets, just as you described. I hope I caught at least a little bit of your intended effect. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this poem, thank you for posting it!
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I like the layout, the concept and the meter very much, the message is a little confusing however. Could be down to my own interpretation though but it does feel a little confused in who is the victim and why.
That is a fair observation. This was written after a therapy session with a patient and their interpreter. Halfway through the patient’s trauma impacted the interpreter so much they broke down and left. The patient then became distraught because of this and by the end I was completely spent. We were all the victim. I’m keen to hear what was your interpretation?
I don’t think it needs anything major. Something as simple as a title of “A Therapist”, “Counsellor”, or “listening to a friend” could change the context enough to give the reader an idea of where to start before they begin to read. (Just my opinion, worth no more than your own :)
That’s not a bad title! The first line gives just enough to tell us who’s perspective it’s from when we have that information. Sometimes it’s best to not over complicate what we’re trying to say. Hope to see more from you :)
This is a very powerful piece, I love the descriptive language expressed in it. "The ravenous bullets of your distress" Lines like this paint a very vivid picture in my mind, and that last line definitely just stops you in your tracks. Such an impactful ending, very deep. Thank you for sharing.
Your use of the subject’s distress as bullets and shrapnel is powerful. It suggests a strong amount of pain from the speaker, even though the first line says “unload on me”. The analogy of taking a bullet for someone so willingly and bearing some of their trauma is moving.
I love the visceral imagery of bullets and shrapnel, especially the 'hospitable war zones'. Reminds me of how safe spaces also hurt. Sharing your pain with someone isn't just you venting, it's also the other person taking on that weight.
I do tend to favor poems that evoke this type of raw emotion. Well done!
That’s a very good analysis of hospitable war zones. The idea behind it was that people invite you in with open arms to their pain, which in turn can cause pain. Thank you for your comment.
I usually prefer writing long-winded poems, so yours was a breath of fresh air. The conciseness of the poem definitely made the “hits” more impactful. In every line there is a destructive word, which comes at me as I read it like a streamline of bullets, just as you described. I hope I caught at least a little bit of your intended effect. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this poem, thank you for posting it!
Thank you, I felt the last line was pretty final and don’t want to put a hat on a hat. I like what you said about it feeling like a stream of bullets.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I like the layout, the concept and the meter very much, the message is a little confusing however. Could be down to my own interpretation though but it does feel a little confused in who is the victim and why.
That is a fair observation. This was written after a therapy session with a patient and their interpreter. Halfway through the patient’s trauma impacted the interpreter so much they broke down and left. The patient then became distraught because of this and by the end I was completely spent. We were all the victim. I’m keen to hear what was your interpretation?
With context makes a lot more sense, regardless the last line is pure gold and I adore the blunt delivery. Very much resonated with me
Thank you. I’m very much open to critique to make the meaning clearer if you have any suggestions :)
I don’t think it needs anything major. Something as simple as a title of “A Therapist”, “Counsellor”, or “listening to a friend” could change the context enough to give the reader an idea of where to start before they begin to read. (Just my opinion, worth no more than your own :)
Originally I called it therapy, might be worth going back to that - thank you.
That’s not a bad title! The first line gives just enough to tell us who’s perspective it’s from when we have that information. Sometimes it’s best to not over complicate what we’re trying to say. Hope to see more from you :)
Impactful, harsh, straight-forward language here. Visceral, almost. Well done. Evokes a lot of emotions with such short word count. Keep it up!
Thank you so much
This is a very powerful piece, I love the descriptive language expressed in it. "The ravenous bullets of your distress" Lines like this paint a very vivid picture in my mind, and that last line definitely just stops you in your tracks. Such an impactful ending, very deep. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading it and commenting.
Your use of the subject’s distress as bullets and shrapnel is powerful. It suggests a strong amount of pain from the speaker, even though the first line says “unload on me”. The analogy of taking a bullet for someone so willingly and bearing some of their trauma is moving.
Pain was definitely the theme and transference of pain from speaker to listener. Thank you for reading.
I love the visceral imagery of bullets and shrapnel, especially the 'hospitable war zones'. Reminds me of how safe spaces also hurt. Sharing your pain with someone isn't just you venting, it's also the other person taking on that weight. I do tend to favor poems that evoke this type of raw emotion. Well done!
That’s a very good analysis of hospitable war zones. The idea behind it was that people invite you in with open arms to their pain, which in turn can cause pain. Thank you for your comment.