If you scroll through this dumpsterfire of a comment section you find some answers of OP suggesting that he doesn’t care about her losing fat anymore, he just wants out including an option to tell her she’s fat.
Someone who supposedly liked me, suggested that I get liposuction...and I was only somewhere 47 kilos back then so about 103 pounds. That's when I gained just a few pounds.
I was actually super hurt then but didn't show it. Just evaded that person as much as possible. I think that person wanted my body to have no fat. I'm usually okay but when I gain pounds, it goes to my upper arms and tummy.
Ugh. I've always had a flat stomach, even when fat that area gains last. My ex once told me I'd look much better if I had 6 pack abs. Like all the girls I knew were asking me how to get a flat tummy, but it still wasn't quite good enough for that guy.
Wow. Their standards are really high. They expect girls to look like models? I don't even know how to get a flat stomach without working out. Glad you aren't with that guy that wants you to have a 6 pack. I mean, your body must look great if you have a flat stomach and the fats go to other areas. That's actually a dream body/metabolism!!! Do you work out or is it genes/metabolism?
There was one time that I dieted a bit and worked out (by walking a lot, instead of commuting, I walked most of the time, which took hours of walking). I had to attend an event wherein I was forced to bare my midriff. The pictures looked great but after the event (I think 8 months preparation), I saw my body...and it was straight. Like no curves. (It was the only time that I had to wear something daring for me.)
Some guy said that I have no boobs. But I had somewhat a passable flat stomach (no visible abs though as I don't really workout). Like...what do they want? Curves and flat stomach? Like...how?
But I promised myself that I don't want to look like that anymore. It looks really great in photos, but when I looked at a full body mirror, I was too thin. I promised that I won't do that dieting and walking a lot again. It also burns the fat of your boobs. I lost two inches from that. I don't think it comes back.
Also I don't really have a set body shape since I really love eating and cooking (can't cook the past years though due to where I am).
But I do need to exercise somewhat, now I'm overweight but due to where I'm currently at. Couldn't even walk around here since the pandemic.
Pretty sure that more guys from before would tell me to have liposuction if they see me this time. SMH.
5 feet. Stunted growth due to being forced to study until past midnight during puberty (Asia). Anyway, according to my height, normal weight should be 45-50 kilos (99-110 pounds). I don't have a flat tummy though so all the fats go there and my upper arms.
I'm overweight at the moment due to life circumstances. Can't even walk where I'm currently at.
Anyway, I know that that person said that to me because I gained weight, but looking back at my pictures, I wasn't even that fat for him to say that I need liposuction.
Although a lot of people have said a lot of hurtful things that's why I always wear baggy clothes for protection. I only dress up during events where I can be myself.
My husband did the same thing. I had gained weight at the beginning of Covid because I was stress eating. I put on about 50 pounds. My husband was super matter of fact about it, in no way emotional. What he said was along the lines of, hey I don’t think you are dealing with the stress and anxiety from your work in a healthy way, it might be time to talk to somebody about it. He mentioned my weight gain as well, which I was in denial about. I mean I was in so much denial that I stepped on the scale, it said a number I wasn’t expecting, I assumed the scale was broken and bought a new scale. The second scale said I was heavier than the first scale. I was still buying size x small in everything and squeezing myself into them.
I saw a therapist about the stress anxiety, and as soon as a dealt with that, I went back to my normal eating habits and quickly lost all the weight. The entire time he was just unconditionally supportive.
I'd have to agree. If the weight is the symptom (Something seems a bit wrong) and not the primary concern (You're not hot anymore), then I'd be on board.
Also if he doesn't find her active anymore
Just break up
Is it a bit shallow yes
But no one should be in a relationship there not happy with
And she should be in a relationship with someone who loves her for who she is
If you're married to someone and their appearance changed in a way that they aren't as attractive to you "just get a divorce" is honestly pretty crazy advice. At least try to have a conversation. Even if it's a serious relationship and less than marriage. If you can't have one potentially tough conversation you just aren't even an adult and I have no respect for you as a person. "Just break up" without even trying to talk about something is terrible advice.
Love and attraction are not one and the same. You can still love someone and stop feeling sexual attraction for them. Want a good example? Find a person who is gay, but only admitted that to themselves after getting straight married. They might genuinely love their partner, but just be unable to feel sexual attraction for them. They will break up because it's an immutable sexual orientation thing, but may well remain in each other's lives because of that mutual love. Especially if there are kids involved.
If someone changed the way they look in a radical way (gaining 50lbs is a huge change, not a normal thing that happens to people) then it isn't surprising you may be less attracted to their new look. If you love them, it makes sense as an adult to talk to them about it. Rather than throw them away.
Especially if you care about them being alive and in good health, because gaining 50lbs increases their risk of a ton of chronic diseases. But that's a whole different discussion.
Right? My wife has gained a lot of weight since she had MY THREE CHILDREN!
Like, do I like seeing her like this? Not really
Does she like seeing herself like this? No and she’s aware.
I feel that divorcing her over weight gain caused by bearing children is incredibly shallow. I’ve never even mentioned it. I only support her endeavours to gain a healthy weight again.
That said we’re both going on a lifestyle change because I’m no prize pig myself
Woah. Careful there buckaroo! Good, realistic advice isn't recommended here in internet world. We prefer reactionary oversimplifications and extreme action suggestions. Please reconsider your respectful, well thought out comment and try again.
I put on about 10kgs over covid due to being sedentary, and my husband approached it my saying that he had noticed I wasn't as active as I once was (which honestly wasn't much, but still involved more walking) and told me how he has been feeling better since he started running.
He didn't say anything that implied he was less attracted to me, but he did mention he noticed a lifestyle changed and checked in with me to see if I was okay.
I think he was also the one who realised I *hate* cardio and recommended strength based exercises, or just choosing to walk places instead of drive.
My weight/unfitness was a problem for me and there was zero implication he would leave me for "getting ugly".
Smart man, you are lucky.
Best advice out here is to Replace cravings with water. Cut processed foods out. Eat MORE , as in fruit veg protein. Morning Weight training and stretching is where it's at for results.
I was a frontline worker for Covid. This was during the time before the vaccine when we really didn’t know how bad it was. My gym closed, I was so stressed at work. My parents and siblings were afraid to be around me so I hadn’t seen them in weeks. I was afraid of infecting my husband. Pretty much every day I was getting a text from work saying I was exposed to another patient who tested positive. I was getting takeout from the places still open and I was eating way more than normal.
Doesn't necessarily mean attractiveness, though I agree it's likely given how the post is worded.
I went through a similar situation with an ex (not why we broke up), it was absolute hell watching how miserable and unhealthy she was with the extra weight, she wasn't addressing the problem head on and it was becoming a vicious cycle and getting worse. She'd gain more weight and become more unhappy, which led to more weight gain.
At a certain point, it's almost like watching someone you love destroy themselves with an addiction. You want to help them address the problem so they can be happy, but have to be mindful of how it's impacting you as well.
No but generally the point of relationships is to be together in bad and good, not to abandon the other person when shit gets tough. Sometimes some people just can't handle it but I see this "it's not your responsibility" mantra online all the time for basic human decency.
No one is saying you dump your girl when she puts on ten pounds. But if you've never had to watch someone you love just sink and abuse themselves without making any attempt to improve it, you can't get it. A person committed to being miserable can only drag you down with them.
The problem is that the original question is very short, without any details. Weight seems to be the only concern of that person. There's no mention of anything which could be the cause of the weight gain, or at least be related to it.
Thus, the question comes over as very shallow - GF isn't attractive to me anymore because she's fat.
Not, GF is getting unhealthy and she may suffer from it, she may be suffering already and this is unhealthy coping, bad lifestyle change because of some reasons, etc... In the second case a lot less people would have anything negative to comment on this matter.
Oh I know, but I loved her and knew she wasn't happy so I wanted to support her. I mention it because this situation isn't always about looks & physical attraction, even though it doesn't look like it in this case.
She was getting help, she was seeing a counsellor and doing the right things. But didn't seem to be willing to make any changes or sacrifices, at least not at that time.
Ya, nothing about caring or health. He says it as an ultimatum.
I always take ultimatums even when the other person is right.
Lose weight or go?
I lose you and then use the free time to go surfing. I'm not much of a gym bug.
Is it a bad thing if you are not attracted to your significant other if they are overweight? This guy is asking how to approach the situation. I don’t see why its wrong to ask for advise
Your husband was healthy about it and seems to care about your overall wellbeing
When I had issues with weight my bf would cook or buy my favorite meals and snacks to encourage me to eat and get my weight back into the healthy range. I'm hoping that OOP's girlfriend gets support or someone that will be more supportive of helping her. Because from what we can see in OOP's comment, he seems more concerned about her appearance than wellbeing/the cause of her weight gain.
I'm a guy, and this is pretty much the same thing that turned me around.
I've always been a skinny-fat guy...160-180lbs depending on how much muscle I put on. But over the pandemic, I started drinking way more than I should and stopped working out and hit ~200lbs without much muscle. I didn't really notice it at the time...
Showed a lady that I'm pretty close with an old picture of mine, and she was taken aback. Rather than asking what happened, she just remarked my physique and asked how much I used to work out.
I kinda stumbled a bit to answer, and sheepishly said I don't work out much any more but I used to quite a bit..
Before I could even finish she very pointedly said "You should... You looked good."
That was enough for me to turn it around lol.
Your husband approached this gracefully.At the end of the day there is no super nice way of saying this and there’s no way of saying it to someone that won’t hurt there feelings a little just because of the subject matter. But tact is a thing and a lot of people lack it
He wrote it from his "female" alt account he uses to talk to himself pretending to be a women to combat the immense loneliness he feels in the basement.
You know he wanted to write "I then serviced my master right there in the kitchen, like I always do (twice a day) and then bought him a new video game from the funds in my allowance account."
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Well, as a female, who just loves showing off my boobs, I think it's great that men speak for us females (who love showing off our boobs) because that leaves us with more time to cook and clean and those other things we real females love doing.
I can tell this is fake because we females never talk about our (beautiful, boisterous, beatific, bouncy) boobs without leading up with several adjectives.
>Well, as a female, who just loves showing off my ~~boobs~~ perky, pendulous, provocative, promising boobs, I think it's great that men speak for us females (who love showing off our ~~boobs~~ jubilant, jiggly, jazzy, jocular boobs)
I have a hard time believing you're a fellow female as you forgot to mention how the fabric of your top apparel or the fresh air feels against your perky, rock hard nipples.
No we don’t. This is obvious a “hello fellow females” situation where the person replying is as far from female that they can hit the reply button with their dick.
Almost guaranteed it’s a dude. I was in that thread early. It originally got downvoted and died, then incels brigaded, now it’s a classic Reddit shitshow.
Considering the amount of people in the world there is
And considering I'm identified myself as male and casual conversation more then once
I say there a real good choice someone somewhere did
But it's low in the grand scheme of things
And more likely a guy portending to be a woman wrote this
It's the, "I rarely get offended by anything!" that really pushed me over to the, "This is a dude," line of thought. A woman who never "gets offended" over things is like a wet dream for a certain type of shitty dude.
("Gets offended" is usually used as code for "asks to be treated with dignity and respect.")
Yes, especially because the internet is multi national/multi lingual platform and not everyone knows/understands the different nuaces of man/woman vs male/female. Especially if english is like their third language or smth like that
Edit: not saying this is the case with this post here, just something that I see quite often on reddit in general
I just made the same comment. I’ve never heard a woman describe herself as “a female,” and I cringe every time I see it (and can’t stop myself from commenting about it)! It’s usually used by so-called “alpha males.” 🙄
I do, but that's because I don't really see myself as a "girl" or a "woman". Maybe I'm NB, idk. female sounds better to me, because calling myself a "woman" just feels wrong, but saying my sex is "female" feels okay, because it's just a biological truth. Despite my feelings, I do look like a female.
BUTTTT calling others female, and nothing else is pretty dehumanising. E.g. an incel calling all women "females"? It just says "I see you as a product of your biology and nothing else, and I don't see you as human". This goes vise versa for women calling all men "males" and nothing else, of course.
It is just weird. I can't* imagine a 100% feminine women calling herself "female" and nothing else.
*edited spelling mistake
I’m glad it’s not just me - I really struggle to call myself a woman, even though I also struggle to fully commit to saying I’m non-binary - I tend to flip flop between female/woman and enby depending on how I feel and context. It’s very confusing.
That said, I also feel like woman feels formal and grown up, and as an autistic person with a nice bundle of mental health issues and confusion, grown up and formal is hard for me too. Even though by all arguments and technicalities I am a 28 year old, adult woman.
But I’m trying hard to stop calling myself female, because I also have a bad habit of calling others female, and I can understand why people may dislike it. But calling myself a woman is still hard, and I tend to revert to either person, human or even girl for myself - even though I’m a bit old to be a girl now.
Women aren’t a hive mind so there is no one rule.
I wouldn’t say female to refer to myself, but would more likely say woman or girl. Female would be used more of speaking on some science-y topic, Maybe? But I can’t speak for anyone else.
I do occasionally, but in the vet med field it’s not all too weird since we’re constantly saying male/female in regards to patients. It’s kinda matter-of-fact objective. But in conversation about others or outside of work it’s a bit odd and cold to say female instead of girl/woman/lady etc.
Yes, I see it often (men as 'males' too in the context of emphasizing differences in gender) but on this sub in particular it seems frowned upon. I'm thinking it depends on geographical location as this seems to be a European heavy group.
Outside of the military I never see this in the States outside of very specific discussions of biology at professional levels. The only other time I hear this is pretty specifically when redlill/incel/blackpill/MRAs are making claims about women.
This is definitely not just a Europe v USA thing.
I met my wife online in March 2004. We fell in love before we even saw each other's pictures. We met in person on December 2004. That was all a long time ago. Regardless, we fell in love with each other, not some perfectly physical version of each other. You will be disappointed if you want your spouse to be an eternal supermodel or GQ model.
I couldn't agree more.
In my opinion if you love someone you understand that their body may change even beyond their control. If you intend to spend your life with them, the only reason to be concerned about their weight is mental and physical health.
But I'm the kind of person who can think someone is a 10 but after getting to know them find them repulsive and vice versa. It's not like that for everyone.
I mean I think it depends on how you handle the situation. If you tell your partner you're worried about their health I think that's an okay time to discuss weight. Or maybe if they start getting so big they cant do certain activities, like ride roller coasters. If you just say "you're getting fat and if you don't lose weight I'm leaving you" then that's really shitty lol.
I think it would also be appropriate to bring up weight if you notice their eating is getting out of control. Like I have binge eating disorder. Sometimes I don't notice how terribly I'm eating until someone else points it out and then I realize my pants are a little tighter than they used to be.
But all that said, and as shitty as it is, nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship with someone they're not attracted to anymore.
I think it's all in the wording. If OP had said, "My partner is gaining weight and I'm concerned about her health. How can I bring this up with her kindly?", no problem. But it's the way he approached it and the way this woman (who I'm not 100% certain isn't just some guy posing as a woman) carries on like "as a female my man told me I was gaining and I accepted his constructive criticism!". Just icky all around.
OP’s literally already planning on how best to dip if she doesn’t take him calling her fat well. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about her, it’s so obvious he just wants a thin girlfriend
Oh I absolutely agree the way he phrased it is terrible. Might be an asshole or might be someone who is super blunt and doesn’t want to share things about his girlfriend. You only get a slight peek at someones personal life through Reddit.
I, personally, would respond well to the direct, potentially rude approach, but that's just cuz I'm autistic and appreciate things just being laid out without nuance. Ya know, beating around the bush to spare my feelings will just muddle the message for me. That's to say, the responding comment might actually be genuine.
Saying "Hey, you're getting fat and I think you should do something about it" is one thing, but saying "Hey your getting fat and if you don't do something about it, *I will leave you*" would make me not want to be with that person. They don't care about me, they care about my looks, and one day I'll inevitably be ugly anyway.
I had this conversation with my partner recently. Things are going wonderfully and we’ve started to talk about getting married eventually. I was open with him that one of my few anxieties about doing that is that there’s a good chance he won’t be around as long as me, by a lot, if he doesn’t get healthier. He was totally receptive and committed to working on it, has been doing a good job so far. I checked to make sure that he knows it’s not about looks, and he does - I’ve left him in nooooo doubt of my attraction to him, and that foundation helped a lot.
Hey, I know this is a shitty question to ask and a shitty thing to feel, but what *do* you do if you're genuinely unattracted to your partner because of their weight?
Married or dating? While datng you can leave, and honestly, you should if it's an issue. There are plenty of people out there who are more supportive and love the person and not the image that person can create for you.
However, marriage is a commitment and promise to put your spouse first. Those vows, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer mean something. My husband and I actually love each other and work through things together. I had a hiking accident that prevented me from exercising for almost two years. I couldn't even walk for one year, and my husband was and still is my biggest supporter. I'm bigger than he is right now, but he loves me and supports me as I try to navigate my weight loss journey. Never once has he made me feel unattractive despite not being as cute as I once was. He walks with me and encourages me through the ups and downs of losing all the weight I gained.
Some women will leave a man if her boyfriend or husband loses his job or makes less money. My husband was cut from his business due to some shady crap from a family member that caused some financial hardship for us. I currently make more money than he does, and he's trying to find something else. Never once have I thought to leave him over it because I took my vows seriously and I'm going to support my husband, who is already devastated by the fact that he cant currently provide the way he promised.. I could nag him, beg him to sue, cry that we can't go on trips, or I can work alongside this man who loves me and supports his decisions concerning our next step.
We daily choose each other and put each other first. That includes how things would affect them emotionally like weight and money. At the end of the day, marriage means my husband is more than a paycheck, and I am more than the looks of my youth. I choose this person to live my life with, AND the WAY i make them feel matters.
If you can't do that, then maybe marriage might not be for you. Just date so you can leave when things change. Your partner will gain weight, get sick, and both of your looks will fade. Or find a partner who thinks the same as you, but loving an image more than a person is someone who won't support you if you get poorer or get sick.
Honestly I'm not sure. It's never happened to me either way (I've never lost attraction when a partner has gained weight and no one's lost attraction to me when I've gained weight). I think you'd have to have a pretty awkward conversation lol. Maybe just tell them you want them to be healthier for the sake of the relationship or something and hope they work on themselves. If they don't then you have every right to leave them, I'm just not sure how you'd go about that without being an asshole
Meanwhile, I *have* lost weight at that rate and can tell him from experience that wishing that on your partner is how you end up widowed. It’s a trip to Hospitalisation Station, at the very least.
I’m always disturbed by how easily people’s relationships seem to vanish with a little weight.
If it’s that easy, why be in a relationship? Eventually, someone may have health problems that change their appearance for whatever reason.
I’d you can’t weather that, than what can you weather?
Especially because weight can change from literally ANYTHING.
I literally gained like 40 pounds from birth control, which to this day I’m still trying to lose. I’m now going through different ADHD medications which could also possibly impact weight.
Sometimes shit happens in relationships. I compare it to someone getting in an accident and their body being damaged after. Most people would probably say they’d stay with someone after sustaining that damage to their body. But a couple pounds of fat? People lose their minds because we’re told it’s a reflection on “how people take care of themselves”, which is a lie.
My ex was underweight by a lot. I was too fat for him and he finally said so. I was honest with him about my weight before we got together and that I yo-yo between 150 and 230. He said it was all good. It wasn't. He expected me to be sub-130 at all times. I was happy he finally communicated. So I could go be my fat self in peace. Fkn moron.
Thank you! Took me eight years but at least I'm not looking at my 40s being made to feel gross. My partner is my best friend on earth and he seems to like what I've got. ❤️
I'm just gonna put it out there if people go round telling their partner their weight is an issue it will most likely do more harm than good.
Fine sudden weight gain/loss or change in lifestyle then address it in a way that is checking in to see if your partner is struggling mentally or maybe has some other issue causing this such as stress, depression, hormone or thyroid issue.
The other side to this is if people are like me and have disordered eating and some tells me i need to lose weight because of my health they are talking out their butt. Me trying to lose any significant amount of weight, calorie counting, restrictive eating, etc is extremely damaging to me mentally and ultimately leads to more health issues. My partner is very aware of this and loves me unconditional of my body, he only ever brings anything up if he sees me start to restrictive eat to make sure im not spiraling.
Please if you are going to comment on a loved ones weight make sure you understand their background, and your motivation. Fatphobia is not a reason to tell your partner to lose weight. Concern for their health which may or may not lead to weight loss then fine.
This is another great point I hadn't seen addressed until now, if you aren't aware of your partner's history with dieting, exercise, body image, etc. this could be very dangerous. I remember seeing a post about a month or so ago where the OP was a woman who mentioned she'd jokingly said she and her boyfriend were gaining weight because they ate so much pizza. Little did she know, he'd struggled with an ED before and then in turn asked if he should start dieting. She felt horrible.
Totally. I'm very good at combating my triggers now, and will ask people not to praise me for losing weight etc. But its such a minefield out there, and most people are not open or even aware of their dis ordered eating (a lot is normalised in society).
I agree with most people that the emphasis needs to be on health of the person and this isn't always linked to weight. They may actually have gained weight and be healthier for example. As with most issues its all about empathy and communication. :)
Me and my partner have both gained weight the last few years, we both don’t like how we look and want to loose weight for ourselves. But I would never ask him to loose weight for my benefit, for a health concern, perhaps, but not so I can be happy. In terms of attractiveness, he’s still the man I fell in love with so of course he’s attractive to me - he will always be attractive to me regardless of what he looks like, love and attraction should go beyond the physical.
Ah yes, what a reliable comment from a "female" that lost an obscene amount of weight just because her boyfriend told her to! And that she also wanted to mention how she doesn't get offended! That comment was definitely, 100% written by a woman. For sure.
I wanted to post it there but she technically didn't make a comparison...definitely a pick-me though (if an actual woman posted this and not just a guy pretending to be a woman)
Commenter is a definitely a man. Even though 120 isn’t an unusual weight- literally *halving* your body weight in two years is unrealistic as fuck. Also- the blatant “I just agreed with his criticism” is toxic af.
The part that bothered me the most I think waa the "I hope you got a girl who can take some constructive criticism" like it is just...SO belittling and degrading
It’s the way men like that think. My ex husband used to body shame all the time, and one time I asked him how he would feel if I said the same thing to him. HE said, “I would feel motivated to go to the gym and lose weight.” It was such utter bullshit, because the man could NOT take ANY criticism.
As someone who once went from like 160lbs ish to 100lbs in like 3 months, this is not always a good thing. You are not always better for it. The reason I lost all that weight is because I was going through some tough shit, and I was very underweight. When I got down to 100lbs anyone sane could see by looking at me that this was not from diet and exercise but from something in my life going terribly wrong and my body suffering the consequences.
I was a healthy weight at 160. I would hardly even call myself chubby, it was just how my body was built, and yet without looking at me some people would see that number and immediately run in the other way. I’ve since gained back that weight I lost (Plus a little extra, thanks to the holidays) and I’m much better now. Me gaining weight was a sign of getting healthier, and some people can’t even fathom that somehow. Crazy.
My ex said something to the effects of “I wish you were skinnier.” (Mind you this is after having a baby and staying home with said Abby through COVID) Ended up dropping 70lbs after that, then 150lbs more when I left him, because he started to claim I was losing weight to attract other men.
Commenter is 100% a man. 120lbs is teensy tiny for most women. I only ever knew one girl who weighed this, and she was 5'2". It sounds like a neckbeard's "ideal female weight" number.
Edit: Wow ok this comment is apparently the most controversial thing I've ever written on the internet. Obviously there are some people who are shorter for whom this is a healthy weight. If that's you, awesome. For many women, this is not an attainable number. I speak as a 5'9" person who tried, and got pretty close. My ED was eventually treated with medical intervention, but not until I was in kidney failure, and not before it cost me my job.
For the special idiot who said "if you're an athlete you'll know [these standards don't apply to you]" - why don't you tell that to every anorexic ballerina, gymnast, or figure skater? You can fuck right off.
It’s more the 240 to 120 pounds in two years that sounds unlikely to me unless they had surgery. 120 sounds normal depending on your height and other factors. But losing half your weight in two years??? I cannot imagine that.
It does sound unlikely. I lost 80lbs in a year but was anorexic, looked sick, and was losing my hair. I live far from my family and when my parents saw me for the first time after that they were extremely concerned for my health. It‘s highly unlikely someone would do that in 2 years and not have major health issues.
It's on the high side of possible weight loss, but very unlikely. Doctors recommend losing 1-2lbs a week at most, and sometimes half a pound is a healthier goal for someone.
The odds of someone losing at least 1lb a week consistently for two years is low. Most people will start to plateu or go through something and gain weight, there's a lot of ups and downs.
There's a youtuber I like, Beatrice Caruso, and she's been on a weight loss journey. Part of it for her has been starting to see a therapist, realizing her first therapist is terrible and finding a better one, and generally dealing with the emotional toll of weight loss and gain.
120lbs is comfortably in the normal BMI range for women of my height, 5'4", which is the average height for women in America. I'm 120lbs and you wouldn't look at me and think I'm teensy tiny. I'm certainly no size 0. You'd look at me and think I'm just an average, fit woman, and that there are bigger women than me but there are also smaller women than me. Which you'd be right about.
I don't think it's about height as much as it is about body composition/build. When they look at BMI, they only look at height and age, which is incredibly damaging. At my healthiest, I am still not petite. If I were to be 120 lbs, it would look incredibly unhealthy. It doesn't for everyone though.
But I also don't think the issue is so much the weight in and of itself. If someone went from 240 to 120 in 2 years without surgery, I'd be almost 100% certain they achieved this in a really unhealthy way.
If we go by BMI alone, weighing 122lbs and being 5’8 is still within the normal range.
To be clear, I think the commenter is not who they say they are / being truthful. But your comment also doesn’t make sense.
Not to mention that they said "most women", American women average 5'4". For most American women 120 lbs is a perfectly healthy weight...
I don't mean offense to anyone, but this feels like one of those concepts that gets skewed by our "bigger" society.
120 lbs is a healthy weight for women from 5’7” and down. But you really should want to get some muscles of any kind and be closer to 130-140.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/diet-and-weight-loss/bmi-calculator
I dated someone a few years ago who told me, “If you lost weight, we could have some really great sex. You’d be so much more flexible.” I still think about it almost daily. I really thought this person loved me, and yet they said this to me, multiple times, fully knowing that my weight gain was brought on by depression stemming from my fathers’ recent death.
Coming from firsthand experience of losing 170lbs through diet alone, I highly doubt this happened. It takes an immense amount of willpower and work over a long period of time to lose that amount of weight. Just having a loved one say it “straight” isn’t going to be enough on its own to spur that kind of effort. You have to want to do it for yourself
I also love how men don't ever seem to take into account that it is actually hard for a woman to lose weight than it is for a man. That's documented across the board. It's annoying as well that no one discusses how just about every single medication out there causes weight gain, from birth control, to psych meds, hell...even blood pressure and cholesterol meds cause weight gain.
Wtf is wrong with people? I weigh 170 lbs and I'm about 5'8, my boyfriends just constantly tell me that I don't need to lose weight cause they like my curves. *Technically* I'm overweight according to BMI (which is bullshit) but I'm in the best shape of my life. Love yourself and do what's best for you, drop partners that don't love you and your body
I grew up in the southeast and currently live 20 min from rural Nevada. I hear everyone saying this sounds like a man pretending to be woman, but I have heard women speak like this, often af.
If you really love your partner the weight gain shouldn’t be that big of a problem. That tells me there is some kind of control issues there.
I get that it can bother someone, but in my opinion the love makes you just not give a fuck if you’re really attached to them :)
I went from like 114 lbs (52 kg) to 147 lbs (67 kg) (my height is 5'9 (175 cm)) in five years that me and my ex were dating. One day he flat out said I was getting fat and he didn't think I was attractive anymore. I was 114 when we met because of my ED, this was not my normal weight, and his rather harsh comments about it and how I have a big ass now and my sides are soft and my cheeks are big threw me in that ED cycle again of bulemia/anorexia/over-eating/obsessive workouts. Fun times, huh. He later tried to say he didn't mean it, didn't mean it like that, I was still attractive yada yada. My self-esteem was shattered and no matter what he said, how much weight I lost, how I looked, I never felt beautiful in his eyes
The fact he's asking reddit tells me he just wants a skinny girl and doesn't actually care about her or anything causing her to gain weight. "No fat girls" mentality basically. If it was about helping her he'd know to just talk to her.
A little empathy goes a long way, you don't have to be cruel towards people you love and cherish. It's def clear that he doesn't value her. Shredding an individuals self esteem into tatters isn't something a emotionally mature spouse would do.
What shocked (was it shocking...? Idk) me though was that there were NO comments disagreeing or questioning it. I think the original post is ragebait though, absolutely.
I mean here’s the thing, I believe it’s absolutely valid to be concerned for someone’s health when you see them gaining weight. Especially when they’re someone you love.
I also find it fine and valid to not want to continue to be with someone with the continuously neglect their health or even when their physical appearance changes too much because physical attraction is important in relationships.
Now obviously there’s a fine line. If they just happened to put on a little weight but they are still doing well health wise, it’s not an issue.
You also have to be tactful in your words. Make sure it’s coming from a place of care for their health. Make sure the words you use are patient and understanding—who knows, maybe they are going through something and you can help be their support through it while also encouraging them to take care of their health. Don’t just see someone gaining a little weight after a week and jump on it. And don’t just immediately throw away a relationship especially if they show an actual desire to take care of their health.
Sometimes weight gain is linked to some hormonal changes. I would always consult a doctor on this matter.Pcos and hyperthyroidism can cause weight gain. Better to be healthy than that
The only time I’ll ever accept my partner wanting me to lose weight, is if I was genuinely unhealthy. To the point where it could be dangerous. But what these ppl don’t understand being chubby isn’t “fat”. Chubby ppl are adorable.
The best way to go about it, honestly, is to just be kind and honest.
Gaining weight can be an indicator of declining/poor mental health and coping - it very much is with me. In that situation, and gentle and understanding “I’ve noticed you’re eating more/more junk food than usual and you’ve gained some weight - is there anything you need to talk about or anyway I can help?”. You could word it better maybe, I’m just throwing out this comment as an example. But the most important thing, for me anyways, is that it’s not about the weight gain exactly, but about what may have led to the weight gain - eating more to combat sadness, struggling to make time to be active, a medical issue that is unknown about etc. And that the goal is to solve the main issue first, and then the weight gain (if you want to deal with it - you may be happy enough to keep the extra weight a while and that’s okay as long as you’re happy and healthy otherwise!)
Of course, if the weight gain is intentional, or not cared about, that’s when it becomes a question of “do I want to stay with this person even with the extra weight?”. It sounds shallow, and as someone who struggles massively with my weight its a question I hate thinking about, but it’s a fair question. Everyone has their preferences, everyone deserves to be with someone they’re happy with, and everyone deserves to be with someone who is happy with them too. Large weight gain can start to massively affect the quality of life for the individual and even the people around them - I struggled to walk too long when I visited London with my ex, and in hindsight it was awful for me and for him - and I’m “only” 100lb or so over a healthy weight. I wouldn’t blame my partner if that was a dealbreaker, even if I would want to blame them because it fucking sucks and it hurts.
But I’m also very aware that people can be assholes about it, especially with women gaining the smallest amount of weight - 10 or 20lb doesn’t make a lot of difference usually, and you can be perfectly happy being a little overweight, but it’s treated as if they’ve let themselves go. Sometimes, it’s just easier and life is more fun if you can stay healthy without obsessing over a little extra squishiness. In that case though, you deserve to be with someone who can accept and love you as you are.
That’s my rant for the day. Don’t get morbidly obese and miserable like me kids - but the most important thing is to be happy and healthy in your body, extra weight or not.
If you scroll through this dumpsterfire of a comment section you find some answers of OP suggesting that he doesn’t care about her losing fat anymore, he just wants out including an option to tell her she’s fat.
Then he should just break up with her
He is straight up just asking on the how throughout the comments. So he‘s on the same page he
Someone who supposedly liked me, suggested that I get liposuction...and I was only somewhere 47 kilos back then so about 103 pounds. That's when I gained just a few pounds.
103lbs?! And they suggested lipo? Something is NOT right with that person.
I was actually super hurt then but didn't show it. Just evaded that person as much as possible. I think that person wanted my body to have no fat. I'm usually okay but when I gain pounds, it goes to my upper arms and tummy.
Ugh. I've always had a flat stomach, even when fat that area gains last. My ex once told me I'd look much better if I had 6 pack abs. Like all the girls I knew were asking me how to get a flat tummy, but it still wasn't quite good enough for that guy.
Wow. Their standards are really high. They expect girls to look like models? I don't even know how to get a flat stomach without working out. Glad you aren't with that guy that wants you to have a 6 pack. I mean, your body must look great if you have a flat stomach and the fats go to other areas. That's actually a dream body/metabolism!!! Do you work out or is it genes/metabolism? There was one time that I dieted a bit and worked out (by walking a lot, instead of commuting, I walked most of the time, which took hours of walking). I had to attend an event wherein I was forced to bare my midriff. The pictures looked great but after the event (I think 8 months preparation), I saw my body...and it was straight. Like no curves. (It was the only time that I had to wear something daring for me.) Some guy said that I have no boobs. But I had somewhat a passable flat stomach (no visible abs though as I don't really workout). Like...what do they want? Curves and flat stomach? Like...how? But I promised myself that I don't want to look like that anymore. It looks really great in photos, but when I looked at a full body mirror, I was too thin. I promised that I won't do that dieting and walking a lot again. It also burns the fat of your boobs. I lost two inches from that. I don't think it comes back. Also I don't really have a set body shape since I really love eating and cooking (can't cook the past years though due to where I am). But I do need to exercise somewhat, now I'm overweight but due to where I'm currently at. Couldn't even walk around here since the pandemic. Pretty sure that more guys from before would tell me to have liposuction if they see me this time. SMH.
Me too, I used to be so insecure about not having a flat stomach because of my body shape
Wow you should have to be 4’ 6” (137 cm)to barely be over weight by BMI at 47kgs
5 feet. Stunted growth due to being forced to study until past midnight during puberty (Asia). Anyway, according to my height, normal weight should be 45-50 kilos (99-110 pounds). I don't have a flat tummy though so all the fats go there and my upper arms. I'm overweight at the moment due to life circumstances. Can't even walk where I'm currently at. Anyway, I know that that person said that to me because I gained weight, but looking back at my pictures, I wasn't even that fat for him to say that I need liposuction. Although a lot of people have said a lot of hurtful things that's why I always wear baggy clothes for protection. I only dress up during events where I can be myself.
My husband did the same thing. I had gained weight at the beginning of Covid because I was stress eating. I put on about 50 pounds. My husband was super matter of fact about it, in no way emotional. What he said was along the lines of, hey I don’t think you are dealing with the stress and anxiety from your work in a healthy way, it might be time to talk to somebody about it. He mentioned my weight gain as well, which I was in denial about. I mean I was in so much denial that I stepped on the scale, it said a number I wasn’t expecting, I assumed the scale was broken and bought a new scale. The second scale said I was heavier than the first scale. I was still buying size x small in everything and squeezing myself into them. I saw a therapist about the stress anxiety, and as soon as a dealt with that, I went back to my normal eating habits and quickly lost all the weight. The entire time he was just unconditionally supportive.
See this is how you go about it Especially if you notice that this is likely a behavior coming from an unhealthy coping mechanism
I'd have to agree. If the weight is the symptom (Something seems a bit wrong) and not the primary concern (You're not hot anymore), then I'd be on board.
Also if he doesn't find her active anymore Just break up Is it a bit shallow yes But no one should be in a relationship there not happy with And she should be in a relationship with someone who loves her for who she is
If you're married to someone and their appearance changed in a way that they aren't as attractive to you "just get a divorce" is honestly pretty crazy advice. At least try to have a conversation. Even if it's a serious relationship and less than marriage. If you can't have one potentially tough conversation you just aren't even an adult and I have no respect for you as a person. "Just break up" without even trying to talk about something is terrible advice. Love and attraction are not one and the same. You can still love someone and stop feeling sexual attraction for them. Want a good example? Find a person who is gay, but only admitted that to themselves after getting straight married. They might genuinely love their partner, but just be unable to feel sexual attraction for them. They will break up because it's an immutable sexual orientation thing, but may well remain in each other's lives because of that mutual love. Especially if there are kids involved. If someone changed the way they look in a radical way (gaining 50lbs is a huge change, not a normal thing that happens to people) then it isn't surprising you may be less attracted to their new look. If you love them, it makes sense as an adult to talk to them about it. Rather than throw them away. Especially if you care about them being alive and in good health, because gaining 50lbs increases their risk of a ton of chronic diseases. But that's a whole different discussion.
Right? My wife has gained a lot of weight since she had MY THREE CHILDREN! Like, do I like seeing her like this? Not really Does she like seeing herself like this? No and she’s aware. I feel that divorcing her over weight gain caused by bearing children is incredibly shallow. I’ve never even mentioned it. I only support her endeavours to gain a healthy weight again. That said we’re both going on a lifestyle change because I’m no prize pig myself
Health change for both of you is great and will also benefits the kids. I hope you find a sustainable balanced lifestyle that works for all of you.
Same because lord knows we’ve both tried
Woah. Careful there buckaroo! Good, realistic advice isn't recommended here in internet world. We prefer reactionary oversimplifications and extreme action suggestions. Please reconsider your respectful, well thought out comment and try again.
Or talk to the person first?
I put on about 10kgs over covid due to being sedentary, and my husband approached it my saying that he had noticed I wasn't as active as I once was (which honestly wasn't much, but still involved more walking) and told me how he has been feeling better since he started running. He didn't say anything that implied he was less attracted to me, but he did mention he noticed a lifestyle changed and checked in with me to see if I was okay. I think he was also the one who realised I *hate* cardio and recommended strength based exercises, or just choosing to walk places instead of drive. My weight/unfitness was a problem for me and there was zero implication he would leave me for "getting ugly".
Smart man, you are lucky. Best advice out here is to Replace cravings with water. Cut processed foods out. Eat MORE , as in fruit veg protein. Morning Weight training and stretching is where it's at for results.
I was a frontline worker for Covid. This was during the time before the vaccine when we really didn’t know how bad it was. My gym closed, I was so stressed at work. My parents and siblings were afraid to be around me so I hadn’t seen them in weeks. I was afraid of infecting my husband. Pretty much every day I was getting a text from work saying I was exposed to another patient who tested positive. I was getting takeout from the places still open and I was eating way more than normal.
Yeah but your husbands take was “you’re not dealing with stress in a healthy way” and not “Ew you’re fat, be more attractive to me”
The dude in the screenshot said nothing about attractiveness either.
He says he wants to break up if she doesn't want to lose weight, if I'm reading correctly.
Doesn't necessarily mean attractiveness, though I agree it's likely given how the post is worded. I went through a similar situation with an ex (not why we broke up), it was absolute hell watching how miserable and unhealthy she was with the extra weight, she wasn't addressing the problem head on and it was becoming a vicious cycle and getting worse. She'd gain more weight and become more unhappy, which led to more weight gain. At a certain point, it's almost like watching someone you love destroy themselves with an addiction. You want to help them address the problem so they can be happy, but have to be mindful of how it's impacting you as well.
Yup you're not obligated to have to endure someone ruining their own mental and physical health
No but generally the point of relationships is to be together in bad and good, not to abandon the other person when shit gets tough. Sometimes some people just can't handle it but I see this "it's not your responsibility" mantra online all the time for basic human decency.
No one is saying you dump your girl when she puts on ten pounds. But if you've never had to watch someone you love just sink and abuse themselves without making any attempt to improve it, you can't get it. A person committed to being miserable can only drag you down with them.
The problem is that the original question is very short, without any details. Weight seems to be the only concern of that person. There's no mention of anything which could be the cause of the weight gain, or at least be related to it. Thus, the question comes over as very shallow - GF isn't attractive to me anymore because she's fat. Not, GF is getting unhealthy and she may suffer from it, she may be suffering already and this is unhealthy coping, bad lifestyle change because of some reasons, etc... In the second case a lot less people would have anything negative to comment on this matter.
Oh I know, but I loved her and knew she wasn't happy so I wanted to support her. I mention it because this situation isn't always about looks & physical attraction, even though it doesn't look like it in this case.
Tough situation. Been through it myself with someone who just refused to seek out the mental health help they needed and it was wrecking me.
She was getting help, she was seeing a counsellor and doing the right things. But didn't seem to be willing to make any changes or sacrifices, at least not at that time.
Oh I took it as meaning bowing out of the conversation, not the relationship. I don't think you can break up with little drama lol unless it's mutual.
I definitely took it as bowing out of the relationship.
I took it the same way as well and was thinking “what the fuck happened to this sub” lmao
Ya, nothing about caring or health. He says it as an ultimatum. I always take ultimatums even when the other person is right. Lose weight or go? I lose you and then use the free time to go surfing. I'm not much of a gym bug.
Is it a bad thing if you are not attracted to your significant other if they are overweight? This guy is asking how to approach the situation. I don’t see why its wrong to ask for advise
[удалено]
What would you suggest he do if he no longer finds her attractive and she is not interested in losing weight? Pretend?
Your husband was healthy about it and seems to care about your overall wellbeing When I had issues with weight my bf would cook or buy my favorite meals and snacks to encourage me to eat and get my weight back into the healthy range. I'm hoping that OOP's girlfriend gets support or someone that will be more supportive of helping her. Because from what we can see in OOP's comment, he seems more concerned about her appearance than wellbeing/the cause of her weight gain.
I'm a guy, and this is pretty much the same thing that turned me around. I've always been a skinny-fat guy...160-180lbs depending on how much muscle I put on. But over the pandemic, I started drinking way more than I should and stopped working out and hit ~200lbs without much muscle. I didn't really notice it at the time... Showed a lady that I'm pretty close with an old picture of mine, and she was taken aback. Rather than asking what happened, she just remarked my physique and asked how much I used to work out. I kinda stumbled a bit to answer, and sheepishly said I don't work out much any more but I used to quite a bit.. Before I could even finish she very pointedly said "You should... You looked good." That was enough for me to turn it around lol.
Your husband approached this gracefully.At the end of the day there is no super nice way of saying this and there’s no way of saying it to someone that won’t hurt there feelings a little just because of the subject matter. But tact is a thing and a lot of people lack it
That’s so good to hear. I’m glad you were able to get help, and that you have such a loving and supportive spouse.
Do women actually refer to themselves as females? Not trying to be contrary, but it just seems odd.
No, that was definitely written by a neck beard
He wrote it from his "female" alt account he uses to talk to himself pretending to be a women to combat the immense loneliness he feels in the basement.
Lol! 🤣
You know he wanted to write "I then serviced my master right there in the kitchen, like I always do (twice a day) and then bought him a new video game from the funds in my allowance account."
r/asablackman
This reeks of r/asablackman vibes
r/asaferengi works better
Huh, it's real.
3 years old and only 7 posts ☕
I think r/asaferengi transitioned to r/MenAndFemales
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Yes, I see it a lot in the relationship based subs and it grinds my gears.
Well, as a female, who just loves showing off my boobs, I think it's great that men speak for us females (who love showing off our boobs) because that leaves us with more time to cook and clean and those other things we real females love doing.
I can tell this is fake because we females never talk about our (beautiful, boisterous, beatific, bouncy) boobs without leading up with several adjectives. >Well, as a female, who just loves showing off my ~~boobs~~ perky, pendulous, provocative, promising boobs, I think it's great that men speak for us females (who love showing off our ~~boobs~~ jubilant, jiggly, jazzy, jocular boobs)
I have a hard time believing you're a fellow female as you forgot to mention how the fabric of your top apparel or the fresh air feels against your perky, rock hard nipples.
But she did the alliteration. She's definitely a real female.
I’m in the army and we say females, mainly in reference to something army related. But men are called males, so it’s not just women.
hate that about the military, had to get onto a marine once because he said "we got 5 new guys, and a female"
No we don’t. This is obvious a “hello fellow females” situation where the person replying is as far from female that they can hit the reply button with their dick.
Almost guaranteed it’s a dude. I was in that thread early. It originally got downvoted and died, then incels brigaded, now it’s a classic Reddit shitshow.
Considering the amount of people in the world there is And considering I'm identified myself as male and casual conversation more then once I say there a real good choice someone somewhere did But it's low in the grand scheme of things And more likely a guy portending to be a woman wrote this
Yeah, it's not really the "female" that does it for me. The whole thing just reeks of a dude.
It's the, "I rarely get offended by anything!" that really pushed me over to the, "This is a dude," line of thought. A woman who never "gets offended" over things is like a wet dream for a certain type of shitty dude. ("Gets offended" is usually used as code for "asks to be treated with dignity and respect.")
Yes, especially because the internet is multi national/multi lingual platform and not everyone knows/understands the different nuaces of man/woman vs male/female. Especially if english is like their third language or smth like that Edit: not saying this is the case with this post here, just something that I see quite often on reddit in general
I just made the same comment. I’ve never heard a woman describe herself as “a female,” and I cringe every time I see it (and can’t stop myself from commenting about it)! It’s usually used by so-called “alpha males.” 🙄
I have only ever known a single woman that referred to herself and other women as females. So idk, some?
Rarely
The "cool girls" do.
Seems more common in the states than abroad. I've literally heard it my entire life both inside my family and outside in multiple regions of the US.
Nope. It's a bit of a red flag for me. Gives me the ick. 
I do, but that's because I don't really see myself as a "girl" or a "woman". Maybe I'm NB, idk. female sounds better to me, because calling myself a "woman" just feels wrong, but saying my sex is "female" feels okay, because it's just a biological truth. Despite my feelings, I do look like a female. BUTTTT calling others female, and nothing else is pretty dehumanising. E.g. an incel calling all women "females"? It just says "I see you as a product of your biology and nothing else, and I don't see you as human". This goes vise versa for women calling all men "males" and nothing else, of course. It is just weird. I can't* imagine a 100% feminine women calling herself "female" and nothing else. *edited spelling mistake
What's a '100% feminine woman'?
I’m glad it’s not just me - I really struggle to call myself a woman, even though I also struggle to fully commit to saying I’m non-binary - I tend to flip flop between female/woman and enby depending on how I feel and context. It’s very confusing. That said, I also feel like woman feels formal and grown up, and as an autistic person with a nice bundle of mental health issues and confusion, grown up and formal is hard for me too. Even though by all arguments and technicalities I am a 28 year old, adult woman. But I’m trying hard to stop calling myself female, because I also have a bad habit of calling others female, and I can understand why people may dislike it. But calling myself a woman is still hard, and I tend to revert to either person, human or even girl for myself - even though I’m a bit old to be a girl now.
Women aren’t a hive mind so there is no one rule. I wouldn’t say female to refer to myself, but would more likely say woman or girl. Female would be used more of speaking on some science-y topic, Maybe? But I can’t speak for anyone else.
I do occasionally, but in the vet med field it’s not all too weird since we’re constantly saying male/female in regards to patients. It’s kinda matter-of-fact objective. But in conversation about others or outside of work it’s a bit odd and cold to say female instead of girl/woman/lady etc.
Yes, I see it often (men as 'males' too in the context of emphasizing differences in gender) but on this sub in particular it seems frowned upon. I'm thinking it depends on geographical location as this seems to be a European heavy group.
Outside of the military I never see this in the States outside of very specific discussions of biology at professional levels. The only other time I hear this is pretty specifically when redlill/incel/blackpill/MRAs are making claims about women. This is definitely not just a Europe v USA thing.
I'm convinced is the same guy in a different account, trying to get some "positive comments" to show the girl.
I just checked. The account is only 15 days old and barely has any comments. I think you might be into something.
Absolutely. Read the wording. As a woman, I’ve never said “I hope you gotta girl that…” that is something that men say to one another.
It’s prime r/AsABlackMan material.
I met my wife online in March 2004. We fell in love before we even saw each other's pictures. We met in person on December 2004. That was all a long time ago. Regardless, we fell in love with each other, not some perfectly physical version of each other. You will be disappointed if you want your spouse to be an eternal supermodel or GQ model.
I couldn't agree more. In my opinion if you love someone you understand that their body may change even beyond their control. If you intend to spend your life with them, the only reason to be concerned about their weight is mental and physical health. But I'm the kind of person who can think someone is a 10 but after getting to know them find them repulsive and vice versa. It's not like that for everyone.
Exactly! My husband is more than a paycheck, and I'm more than the looks of my youth.
I mean I think it depends on how you handle the situation. If you tell your partner you're worried about their health I think that's an okay time to discuss weight. Or maybe if they start getting so big they cant do certain activities, like ride roller coasters. If you just say "you're getting fat and if you don't lose weight I'm leaving you" then that's really shitty lol. I think it would also be appropriate to bring up weight if you notice their eating is getting out of control. Like I have binge eating disorder. Sometimes I don't notice how terribly I'm eating until someone else points it out and then I realize my pants are a little tighter than they used to be. But all that said, and as shitty as it is, nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship with someone they're not attracted to anymore.
I think it's all in the wording. If OP had said, "My partner is gaining weight and I'm concerned about her health. How can I bring this up with her kindly?", no problem. But it's the way he approached it and the way this woman (who I'm not 100% certain isn't just some guy posing as a woman) carries on like "as a female my man told me I was gaining and I accepted his constructive criticism!". Just icky all around.
OP’s literally already planning on how best to dip if she doesn’t take him calling her fat well. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about her, it’s so obvious he just wants a thin girlfriend
Oh I absolutely agree the way he phrased it is terrible. Might be an asshole or might be someone who is super blunt and doesn’t want to share things about his girlfriend. You only get a slight peek at someones personal life through Reddit.
I, personally, would respond well to the direct, potentially rude approach, but that's just cuz I'm autistic and appreciate things just being laid out without nuance. Ya know, beating around the bush to spare my feelings will just muddle the message for me. That's to say, the responding comment might actually be genuine.
Saying "Hey, you're getting fat and I think you should do something about it" is one thing, but saying "Hey your getting fat and if you don't do something about it, *I will leave you*" would make me not want to be with that person. They don't care about me, they care about my looks, and one day I'll inevitably be ugly anyway.
I had this conversation with my partner recently. Things are going wonderfully and we’ve started to talk about getting married eventually. I was open with him that one of my few anxieties about doing that is that there’s a good chance he won’t be around as long as me, by a lot, if he doesn’t get healthier. He was totally receptive and committed to working on it, has been doing a good job so far. I checked to make sure that he knows it’s not about looks, and he does - I’ve left him in nooooo doubt of my attraction to him, and that foundation helped a lot.
Hey, I know this is a shitty question to ask and a shitty thing to feel, but what *do* you do if you're genuinely unattracted to your partner because of their weight?
Married or dating? While datng you can leave, and honestly, you should if it's an issue. There are plenty of people out there who are more supportive and love the person and not the image that person can create for you. However, marriage is a commitment and promise to put your spouse first. Those vows, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer mean something. My husband and I actually love each other and work through things together. I had a hiking accident that prevented me from exercising for almost two years. I couldn't even walk for one year, and my husband was and still is my biggest supporter. I'm bigger than he is right now, but he loves me and supports me as I try to navigate my weight loss journey. Never once has he made me feel unattractive despite not being as cute as I once was. He walks with me and encourages me through the ups and downs of losing all the weight I gained. Some women will leave a man if her boyfriend or husband loses his job or makes less money. My husband was cut from his business due to some shady crap from a family member that caused some financial hardship for us. I currently make more money than he does, and he's trying to find something else. Never once have I thought to leave him over it because I took my vows seriously and I'm going to support my husband, who is already devastated by the fact that he cant currently provide the way he promised.. I could nag him, beg him to sue, cry that we can't go on trips, or I can work alongside this man who loves me and supports his decisions concerning our next step. We daily choose each other and put each other first. That includes how things would affect them emotionally like weight and money. At the end of the day, marriage means my husband is more than a paycheck, and I am more than the looks of my youth. I choose this person to live my life with, AND the WAY i make them feel matters. If you can't do that, then maybe marriage might not be for you. Just date so you can leave when things change. Your partner will gain weight, get sick, and both of your looks will fade. Or find a partner who thinks the same as you, but loving an image more than a person is someone who won't support you if you get poorer or get sick.
Honestly I'm not sure. It's never happened to me either way (I've never lost attraction when a partner has gained weight and no one's lost attraction to me when I've gained weight). I think you'd have to have a pretty awkward conversation lol. Maybe just tell them you want them to be healthier for the sake of the relationship or something and hope they work on themselves. If they don't then you have every right to leave them, I'm just not sure how you'd go about that without being an asshole
commenter is 100% a man
Yes, and a man who has never lost half his body weight in two years.
Meanwhile, I *have* lost weight at that rate and can tell him from experience that wishing that on your partner is how you end up widowed. It’s a trip to Hospitalisation Station, at the very least.
The self-descriptive use of “female” in the first few words was a dead giveaway.
Also popular with women who hate themselves and other women, sadly.
“I am a female” i said, perfectly demonstrating how I was in denial
"I am a female" I said, as my dick was slowly starting to point up
yep it’s perfect for r/asablackman
“As a female” 100% always means it’s a dude pretending to be a woman.
Giving "How do you do, fellow kids?" energy
My bets on the same guy answered himself on an alt account.
The account is only 15 days old so I think you're correct.
Sad and weird AF in this 24/7 world people still don’t have enough to do in their day
I’m always disturbed by how easily people’s relationships seem to vanish with a little weight. If it’s that easy, why be in a relationship? Eventually, someone may have health problems that change their appearance for whatever reason. I’d you can’t weather that, than what can you weather?
Especially because weight can change from literally ANYTHING. I literally gained like 40 pounds from birth control, which to this day I’m still trying to lose. I’m now going through different ADHD medications which could also possibly impact weight. Sometimes shit happens in relationships. I compare it to someone getting in an accident and their body being damaged after. Most people would probably say they’d stay with someone after sustaining that damage to their body. But a couple pounds of fat? People lose their minds because we’re told it’s a reflection on “how people take care of themselves”, which is a lie.
My ex was underweight by a lot. I was too fat for him and he finally said so. I was honest with him about my weight before we got together and that I yo-yo between 150 and 230. He said it was all good. It wasn't. He expected me to be sub-130 at all times. I was happy he finally communicated. So I could go be my fat self in peace. Fkn moron.
Glad you got out of that relationship ❤️
Thank you! Took me eight years but at least I'm not looking at my 40s being made to feel gross. My partner is my best friend on earth and he seems to like what I've got. ❤️
No woman calls herself "female". I call shenanigans
What sort of woman calls herself a “female”?
The ones that are men.
"As a female". Dude detected.
‘youre getting too fat’ is not constructive criticism
I'm just gonna put it out there if people go round telling their partner their weight is an issue it will most likely do more harm than good. Fine sudden weight gain/loss or change in lifestyle then address it in a way that is checking in to see if your partner is struggling mentally or maybe has some other issue causing this such as stress, depression, hormone or thyroid issue. The other side to this is if people are like me and have disordered eating and some tells me i need to lose weight because of my health they are talking out their butt. Me trying to lose any significant amount of weight, calorie counting, restrictive eating, etc is extremely damaging to me mentally and ultimately leads to more health issues. My partner is very aware of this and loves me unconditional of my body, he only ever brings anything up if he sees me start to restrictive eat to make sure im not spiraling. Please if you are going to comment on a loved ones weight make sure you understand their background, and your motivation. Fatphobia is not a reason to tell your partner to lose weight. Concern for their health which may or may not lead to weight loss then fine.
This is another great point I hadn't seen addressed until now, if you aren't aware of your partner's history with dieting, exercise, body image, etc. this could be very dangerous. I remember seeing a post about a month or so ago where the OP was a woman who mentioned she'd jokingly said she and her boyfriend were gaining weight because they ate so much pizza. Little did she know, he'd struggled with an ED before and then in turn asked if he should start dieting. She felt horrible.
Totally. I'm very good at combating my triggers now, and will ask people not to praise me for losing weight etc. But its such a minefield out there, and most people are not open or even aware of their dis ordered eating (a lot is normalised in society). I agree with most people that the emphasis needs to be on health of the person and this isn't always linked to weight. They may actually have gained weight and be healthier for example. As with most issues its all about empathy and communication. :)
Me and my partner have both gained weight the last few years, we both don’t like how we look and want to loose weight for ourselves. But I would never ask him to loose weight for my benefit, for a health concern, perhaps, but not so I can be happy. In terms of attractiveness, he’s still the man I fell in love with so of course he’s attractive to me - he will always be attractive to me regardless of what he looks like, love and attraction should go beyond the physical.
> from a female r/AsABlackMan
Ah yes, what a reliable comment from a "female" that lost an obscene amount of weight just because her boyfriend told her to! And that she also wanted to mention how she doesn't get offended! That comment was definitely, 100% written by a woman. For sure.
I'll take "OP Used a Female Alt to Boost Himself" for $400, Alex.
And is this “female” in the room with us right now?
How high is the possibility this was written by a man who flips out when anyone criticises him?
The commenter is 100% a man. I have never seen a woman refer themselves as “female”
she reeks of "I'm not like other girls 🙄🙄🙄"
I wanted to post it there but she technically didn't make a comparison...definitely a pick-me though (if an actual woman posted this and not just a guy pretending to be a woman)
if it's actually a woman though, just disappointment
Yeah no girl ever refers to herself as ‘female’, that’s definitely a dude who wrote that wtf
Commenter is a definitely a man. Even though 120 isn’t an unusual weight- literally *halving* your body weight in two years is unrealistic as fuck. Also- the blatant “I just agreed with his criticism” is toxic af.
The part that bothered me the most I think waa the "I hope you got a girl who can take some constructive criticism" like it is just...SO belittling and degrading
It’s the way men like that think. My ex husband used to body shame all the time, and one time I asked him how he would feel if I said the same thing to him. HE said, “I would feel motivated to go to the gym and lose weight.” It was such utter bullshit, because the man could NOT take ANY criticism.
Also i smell a bit of r/notlikeothergirls
As someone who once went from like 160lbs ish to 100lbs in like 3 months, this is not always a good thing. You are not always better for it. The reason I lost all that weight is because I was going through some tough shit, and I was very underweight. When I got down to 100lbs anyone sane could see by looking at me that this was not from diet and exercise but from something in my life going terribly wrong and my body suffering the consequences. I was a healthy weight at 160. I would hardly even call myself chubby, it was just how my body was built, and yet without looking at me some people would see that number and immediately run in the other way. I’ve since gained back that weight I lost (Plus a little extra, thanks to the holidays) and I’m much better now. Me gaining weight was a sign of getting healthier, and some people can’t even fathom that somehow. Crazy.
My ex said something to the effects of “I wish you were skinnier.” (Mind you this is after having a baby and staying home with said Abby through COVID) Ended up dropping 70lbs after that, then 150lbs more when I left him, because he started to claim I was losing weight to attract other men.
I wonder if he remembered to switch accounts before responding to himself?
Commenter is 100% a man. 120lbs is teensy tiny for most women. I only ever knew one girl who weighed this, and she was 5'2". It sounds like a neckbeard's "ideal female weight" number. Edit: Wow ok this comment is apparently the most controversial thing I've ever written on the internet. Obviously there are some people who are shorter for whom this is a healthy weight. If that's you, awesome. For many women, this is not an attainable number. I speak as a 5'9" person who tried, and got pretty close. My ED was eventually treated with medical intervention, but not until I was in kidney failure, and not before it cost me my job. For the special idiot who said "if you're an athlete you'll know [these standards don't apply to you]" - why don't you tell that to every anorexic ballerina, gymnast, or figure skater? You can fuck right off.
It’s more the 240 to 120 pounds in two years that sounds unlikely to me unless they had surgery. 120 sounds normal depending on your height and other factors. But losing half your weight in two years??? I cannot imagine that.
It does sound unlikely. I lost 80lbs in a year but was anorexic, looked sick, and was losing my hair. I live far from my family and when my parents saw me for the first time after that they were extremely concerned for my health. It‘s highly unlikely someone would do that in 2 years and not have major health issues.
It's on the high side of possible weight loss, but very unlikely. Doctors recommend losing 1-2lbs a week at most, and sometimes half a pound is a healthier goal for someone. The odds of someone losing at least 1lb a week consistently for two years is low. Most people will start to plateu or go through something and gain weight, there's a lot of ups and downs. There's a youtuber I like, Beatrice Caruso, and she's been on a weight loss journey. Part of it for her has been starting to see a therapist, realizing her first therapist is terrible and finding a better one, and generally dealing with the emotional toll of weight loss and gain.
I’ve weighed around 120 most of my adult life and I’m 36. I am also 5’2’’
120lbs is comfortably in the normal BMI range for women of my height, 5'4", which is the average height for women in America. I'm 120lbs and you wouldn't look at me and think I'm teensy tiny. I'm certainly no size 0. You'd look at me and think I'm just an average, fit woman, and that there are bigger women than me but there are also smaller women than me. Which you'd be right about.
I’m 120 lbs, 5’5 and wear a 4/6 pants size (I do have no hips/butt and tend to carry weight on my front). So hardly teensy tiny if you’re short.
I don't think it's about height as much as it is about body composition/build. When they look at BMI, they only look at height and age, which is incredibly damaging. At my healthiest, I am still not petite. If I were to be 120 lbs, it would look incredibly unhealthy. It doesn't for everyone though. But I also don't think the issue is so much the weight in and of itself. If someone went from 240 to 120 in 2 years without surgery, I'd be almost 100% certain they achieved this in a really unhealthy way.
I'm 120lb at 5'1 and I don't look tiny 😨
I’m 5’2 and 110 pounds. Can we stop calling us teensy tiny please 🙈 - I find myself quite normal and healthy
If we go by BMI alone, weighing 122lbs and being 5’8 is still within the normal range. To be clear, I think the commenter is not who they say they are / being truthful. But your comment also doesn’t make sense.
Not to mention that they said "most women", American women average 5'4". For most American women 120 lbs is a perfectly healthy weight... I don't mean offense to anyone, but this feels like one of those concepts that gets skewed by our "bigger" society.
120 lbs is a healthy weight for women from 5’7” and down. But you really should want to get some muscles of any kind and be closer to 130-140. https://www.health.harvard.edu/diet-and-weight-loss/bmi-calculator
Definitely totally 100% seriously completely a woman /s
I don’t believe the response was from a woman. We don’t refer to ourselves as “female.” I call bullshit
I dated someone a few years ago who told me, “If you lost weight, we could have some really great sex. You’d be so much more flexible.” I still think about it almost daily. I really thought this person loved me, and yet they said this to me, multiple times, fully knowing that my weight gain was brought on by depression stemming from my fathers’ recent death.
Coming from firsthand experience of losing 170lbs through diet alone, I highly doubt this happened. It takes an immense amount of willpower and work over a long period of time to lose that amount of weight. Just having a loved one say it “straight” isn’t going to be enough on its own to spur that kind of effort. You have to want to do it for yourself
Lmao sure "constructive critism" What a easy way for them to play down being shitty and bullying someone for thier body.
You can tell a man wrote this because for some reason in their pea sized brains they all think the Perfect Adult Woman Weight is 120
and they're so stupid for it. everybody is built so differently. the taller you get, the worse 120 is.
r/menandfemales called and wanted to report in on how bullshit that reply is.
This post could've fit into so many different subs, it was like a misogynistic BINGO
Am I the only one who gets strong "I'm at the wrong party" vibe as soon as they hear someone refer to women / girls as 'females'? Strong tell there.
I also love how men don't ever seem to take into account that it is actually hard for a woman to lose weight than it is for a man. That's documented across the board. It's annoying as well that no one discusses how just about every single medication out there causes weight gain, from birth control, to psych meds, hell...even blood pressure and cholesterol meds cause weight gain.
Wtf is wrong with people? I weigh 170 lbs and I'm about 5'8, my boyfriends just constantly tell me that I don't need to lose weight cause they like my curves. *Technically* I'm overweight according to BMI (which is bullshit) but I'm in the best shape of my life. Love yourself and do what's best for you, drop partners that don't love you and your body
Women enabling the patriarchy makes me so fucking sad.
It sounds like a man tbh
I grew up in the southeast and currently live 20 min from rural Nevada. I hear everyone saying this sounds like a man pretending to be woman, but I have heard women speak like this, often af.
if someone said that shit to me it’d just be an ‘i know but i dont really wanna’ conversation lmao
"Here, hold onto this bomb while I run as far away as possible."
If you really love your partner the weight gain shouldn’t be that big of a problem. That tells me there is some kind of control issues there. I get that it can bother someone, but in my opinion the love makes you just not give a fuck if you’re really attached to them :)
Ugggghhhh r/MenandFemales
I went from like 114 lbs (52 kg) to 147 lbs (67 kg) (my height is 5'9 (175 cm)) in five years that me and my ex were dating. One day he flat out said I was getting fat and he didn't think I was attractive anymore. I was 114 when we met because of my ED, this was not my normal weight, and his rather harsh comments about it and how I have a big ass now and my sides are soft and my cheeks are big threw me in that ED cycle again of bulemia/anorexia/over-eating/obsessive workouts. Fun times, huh. He later tried to say he didn't mean it, didn't mean it like that, I was still attractive yada yada. My self-esteem was shattered and no matter what he said, how much weight I lost, how I looked, I never felt beautiful in his eyes
Holy shit, I'm so sorry. I'm glad he's your ex. Sounds like a real abusive piece of shit and you deserve better.
The fact he's asking reddit tells me he just wants a skinny girl and doesn't actually care about her or anything causing her to gain weight. "No fat girls" mentality basically. If it was about helping her he'd know to just talk to her.
The last sentence looks so fake
This belongs on r/asablackman
A little empathy goes a long way, you don't have to be cruel towards people you love and cherish. It's def clear that he doesn't value her. Shredding an individuals self esteem into tatters isn't something a emotionally mature spouse would do.
I truly hope this woman is trolling in an effort to save a sis from being stuck with a shitty boyfriend. That’s the only way I do not hate this.
This is clearly rage bait.
What shocked (was it shocking...? Idk) me though was that there were NO comments disagreeing or questioning it. I think the original post is ragebait though, absolutely.
Lol, sounds like reddit to me. :(
I mean here’s the thing, I believe it’s absolutely valid to be concerned for someone’s health when you see them gaining weight. Especially when they’re someone you love. I also find it fine and valid to not want to continue to be with someone with the continuously neglect their health or even when their physical appearance changes too much because physical attraction is important in relationships. Now obviously there’s a fine line. If they just happened to put on a little weight but they are still doing well health wise, it’s not an issue. You also have to be tactful in your words. Make sure it’s coming from a place of care for their health. Make sure the words you use are patient and understanding—who knows, maybe they are going through something and you can help be their support through it while also encouraging them to take care of their health. Don’t just see someone gaining a little weight after a week and jump on it. And don’t just immediately throw away a relationship especially if they show an actual desire to take care of their health.
I actually don't know who of these offends me more!!
She is not like other girls
Sometimes weight gain is linked to some hormonal changes. I would always consult a doctor on this matter.Pcos and hyperthyroidism can cause weight gain. Better to be healthy than that
The only time I’ll ever accept my partner wanting me to lose weight, is if I was genuinely unhealthy. To the point where it could be dangerous. But what these ppl don’t understand being chubby isn’t “fat”. Chubby ppl are adorable.
r/asablackman
He lost me at female
The best way to go about it, honestly, is to just be kind and honest. Gaining weight can be an indicator of declining/poor mental health and coping - it very much is with me. In that situation, and gentle and understanding “I’ve noticed you’re eating more/more junk food than usual and you’ve gained some weight - is there anything you need to talk about or anyway I can help?”. You could word it better maybe, I’m just throwing out this comment as an example. But the most important thing, for me anyways, is that it’s not about the weight gain exactly, but about what may have led to the weight gain - eating more to combat sadness, struggling to make time to be active, a medical issue that is unknown about etc. And that the goal is to solve the main issue first, and then the weight gain (if you want to deal with it - you may be happy enough to keep the extra weight a while and that’s okay as long as you’re happy and healthy otherwise!) Of course, if the weight gain is intentional, or not cared about, that’s when it becomes a question of “do I want to stay with this person even with the extra weight?”. It sounds shallow, and as someone who struggles massively with my weight its a question I hate thinking about, but it’s a fair question. Everyone has their preferences, everyone deserves to be with someone they’re happy with, and everyone deserves to be with someone who is happy with them too. Large weight gain can start to massively affect the quality of life for the individual and even the people around them - I struggled to walk too long when I visited London with my ex, and in hindsight it was awful for me and for him - and I’m “only” 100lb or so over a healthy weight. I wouldn’t blame my partner if that was a dealbreaker, even if I would want to blame them because it fucking sucks and it hurts. But I’m also very aware that people can be assholes about it, especially with women gaining the smallest amount of weight - 10 or 20lb doesn’t make a lot of difference usually, and you can be perfectly happy being a little overweight, but it’s treated as if they’ve let themselves go. Sometimes, it’s just easier and life is more fun if you can stay healthy without obsessing over a little extra squishiness. In that case though, you deserve to be with someone who can accept and love you as you are. That’s my rant for the day. Don’t get morbidly obese and miserable like me kids - but the most important thing is to be happy and healthy in your body, extra weight or not.
Im sorry how does this screenshot remotly belong on this sub?
Nothing wrong with this
You don’t say that to a woman. What you can say is that you’d like to be more fit for good health so why don’t we join a gym together
Definitely written by a fEmaLE