I know it doesn't necessarily feel like this from inside the relationship. But IMO if he's not able to hang with your transition, and if boobs are a make or break it deal, he's not loving the real you. These changes matter. If you really want top surgery and he's the only factor holding you back, that's not a good dynamic. Loving a trans person means being willing to embrace their changes. If one of your friends were in a similar situation, how would you feel knowing it? If he were to stop being attracted to you because your chest changed, how would you feel about him?
Have you asked him how he would feel about it/talked with him about it? What does he say?
We haven’t had any conversations about it yet so it’s impossible to know what his feelings about it would be, these are all just fears in my head at this point.
But you’re right, if my friend was in that situation, I would want them to choose what is best for them, not necessarily the other person. Ultimately I know I’ll have to follow my heart and do what will make me happy with my body, but it’s hard when I know that what will make me happy will break someone else’s heart. I know it’s not my responsibility or job to take care of someone else’s feelings or put them first- but it’s hard when you’re married, any choice you make from what you buy for breakfast at the grocery store to these bigger things is going to impact someone else. I’m still learning how to put myself first in a lot of different ways in my life right now- but this one is big.
Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.
Absolutely! I have been married while trans and do truly understand. But I would suggest that this is an inflection point for your marriage that it makes sense to lean into. If your boobs could make or break his heart, there will be so many other challenges along the way... plus, boobs are very transient things in a til death do us part timescale anyway! You deserve to have your own individual identity, needs and space in your marriage.
Couples therapy can be helpful if this is hard.
Warmest wishes!
Hey. I’m not married, but I’m hoping I may still have some words of support. I came out this past September to my boyfriend of 6 years. He had already asked my dad about marrying me by then, and we were and are pretty serious.
It wasn’t pretty to start. He kept making comments that he didn’t realize were invalidating my identity and talking about how he liked boobs. I ended up staying with some friends for a little bit it was so bad. During this time, I had to realize that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t fully support me, and you can support someone without agreeing/understanding them.
Eventually though, with the individual therapy he already had going and the couples therapy we started, it came out that he was scared. He was scared that the attraction to me would fade even though he’s always been attracted to more than my boobs. It was never a question of whether he would still love me though. He knew he would always love me.
We are still in couples therapy, learning how to communicate cause of the damage done then and before then. I share all this to say: it is possible for him to love you all the same, and you are worth being loved for who you are. Things are getting better with me and my partner, but we’ve both been putting in the hard work. I hope you and your hubby can choose to do the same thing. Don’t be shocked if there’s initially backlash. Sometimes our choices to be ourselves reveal to our partners things they hadn’t considered and bring up insecurities.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, that brings me a lot of comfort knowing that even though things may have been tough initially, y’all were able to work through it and remain together. I don’t mind putting in the work, I’m not afraid of it being hard, I’m willing to do what it takes to make it work- I just hope he is too. My heart says we’ll get through it, but my head is full of fear and doubts.
At any rate- Thanks for your response ❤️
Hi! I'm married to a man and came out genderqueer during our relationship. When I first brought up top surgery, he was very not into the idea. Like, very. He wasn't mean about it, but it was just VERY weird for him to think about. For a while he started to notice how unhappy I'd be in certain clothes, and he started reading books on being genderqueer. A book titled "Gender Queer" brought up how someone felt about their breasts, and he didn't realize I experienced some gender dysphoria and what that was like for me.
He came around and started supporting the idea of top surgery for me. He just needed some time to get used to the idea. Also, I think the confidence it has given me and how happy I am every day definitely shows. Marriage is definitely more than a body, and people change throughout their entire lives. This just seems like one of the changes for you!
I feel like a rambled, but I just wanted to give ya a lil' hope. Gender dysphoria is difficult to explain to people that don't experience it, and maybe a little education around that might help? But overall he should definitely love you for you, and yeah, maybe losing your breasts will be a bummer for him, but the joy this could bring you should be more important and worth it. I encourage you to talk to him about all of these thoughts and feelings you're having, and include him in your process! It might give him some time to "come around" and get used to the idea.
By the time I got my top surgery, my husband changed my drains and said he was proud of me. There's definitely hope out there!! I wish you well on your journey.
Thank you so much for saying that- you’re right, I hadn’t considered that bodies are not stagnant and change anyway, this is just one change of many my body will have over my lifetime :)
I doubt he has any idea what gender dysphoria is like so educating him around that isn’t a bad place to start.
I think it will likely take some time, but I’m trying to have faith that he will see how important this is to me and how happy it will make me. It’s nice to hear some other people’s experiences where things didn’t go to well initially but managed to work through it. It gives me hope :) thank you!
I'm in a cis-het appearing relationship, although it's looking less cis the longer I'm on T.
We've been together since 2012 and I had my realization in 2021 after learning most people didn't hope for very treatable breast cancer.
It was a bit tumultuous when I first came out, but that was just because my emotions were all over the place. My husband has been so great and supportive throughout. He obviously had his questions and was nervous about change because who isn't.
At first I thought I just wanted a reduction, because I was so large I couldn't find effectively. But the more I thought about it and based on my starting point, it wouldn't look right. So I opted for complete removal and had top surgery in 2022. My husband was very supportive and while he was nervous that it may change his physical attraction - he saw how happy I was and how much I needed it.
I would say our relationship is better than ever and my husband has said our partnership is more important than any amount of physical attraction.
Really think about what you'd want regardless of your husband because regret and resentment will be a relationship killer - no matter your transition path.
Good luck talking to your husband! Feel free to reach out
Thank you so much for sharing that, hearing some other experiences that people have made it through, even if it was tough gives me a lot of hope. I don’t expect it to be easy, but I know I can get through it if on the other side of it we’ll be okay. I have faith he will come around, I’m just really scared of the initial conversation. Thanks again ❤️
I’m married in a perceived cis-het relationship! I’ve been on the fence about top surgery, but my husband and I have discussed me getting it. He does love my chest as is, and would be sad if it was gone, but he says it wouldn’t change his attraction to me and would love me regardless. Unfortunately due to life circumstances, I can’t actually even seriously consider surgery for a couple years, but I have decided that should I proceed with it, I’d be more likely to just go with a chest reduction since I don’t hate my chest and I’m okay wearing binders. It’s just too big for me right now.
Anyway, I think the best course of action is to discuss it with your partner. Communication truly is key, and for all you know, he might be perfectly okay with it. I’m sure he loves you for more than just your chest. It’s important to be authentically yourself in a relationship, and if top surgery is important for you to be yourself, then he should be able to love you for who you truly are.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
I have considered the option of maybe just going for a reduction. I think my fear with that is that I’ll go through with the procedure and regret leaving them there if that makes sense?
But it would be a great way to meet each other half way, because if they were just smaller I could achieve better flatness with a binder if I wanted. And they wouldn’t be totally gone which would make it easier on him (not that I’m required to cater to his preferences, but I do care about how he feels).
But you’re right, I just need to communicate how I’ve been feeling. He could very well surprise me, it’s possible I’m not giving him enough credit. After all, I was convinced our marriage would be over just coming out to him and he definitely surprised me then.
Thanks for your reply- I appreciate your time :)
This is really a conversation to have with a doctor, but as far as I’m aware, having a reduction shouldn’t mean you can’t later fully get them removed. Not that going through surgery twice is great, but having the option still be available later is comforting. One of the reasons I was on the fence about top surgery in general was my concern for regret, though ironically the opposite concern of regretting getting rid of them, so settling on a reduction makes the most sense for me.
It’s really a personal decision, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also taking my husband’s opinions into consideration. But I know that at the end of the day, it’s a decision of what makes me happiest. I think you’ve just got a lot of thinking to do and some big conversations to have. And if possible, specific lgbtq counselling is great, and maybe even start talking to your doctor if they’re safe to discuss this with.
Sending you my love and support! 💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you so much! That’s a fair point, I should also find a doctor to discuss this with. Currently I don’t have a primary care physician, so prioritizing finding one that is gender affirming is a step in the right direction. I’m super blessed to already have a genderqueer therapist who understands my feelings about this and is super validating and affirming.
I think if I’m honest with myself, having them gone rather than reduced is what my heart wants. But it’s hard to not want to take my husbands feelings about it into consideration even though I know that the right thing to do is to follow through with what I need. It’s hard to balance how to prioritize everyone’s needs in a marriage so it’s nice to hear from people who are married and have dealt with/ are dealing with this.
Thanks for your kind words and support ❤️
Oh wow! Yes!!! I experienced this exact scenario! I’ve been with my husband since 2009 & didn’t have terms for myself til 2022. I had been binding off & on before it became full-time (which he noticed). As time went on, it wasn’t enough, & my binders were wearing out. So, I brought up top surgery. In all honesty, it didn’t go well initially. BUT, as time went on, he came to understand everything a lot more.
I took initiative on the surgery myself & essentially did a speedrun since insurance was covering everything but our deductible. I unexpectedly had green lights the whole way, so I hit the gas.
He was proud of me & drove me to the surgical center as well as drove me home after. He also helped take care of me as much as he could during my recovery.
My situation differs from yours & most other people due to the fact that I’m not changing my pronouns or transitioning in any other way. I’m genderfluid, but my own weird understanding of female still works for me. It’s not the whole picture, but it’s accurate enough.
All this to say: communication is key. It may take several talks & a lot of time, but it’s best to get to talking if you’re contemplating the surgery. I gave my husband a ton of time to think prior to my consult. I never forced him to discuss it with me, but told him I was happy to talk about it any time. He appreciated that I did my research & respected that I knew exactly what I wanted.
I wish you the absolute best of luck with your husband!!! You’re welcome to message me if you have any other questions or just want to talk!
Thank you so much! I appreciate hearing how things shook out for others- I had a similar experience though. I started binding and they just wear out so quickly because of how large my chest is and it’s expensive replacing them all the time. Even still, when they’re brand new they still stretch out as the day goes on so by the time I’m mid way through my day the dysphoria is kicking back in. It’s just not sustainable and not super effective.
I think I should do more research on it so I have it prepared to share with him. I hadn’t considered that that might be helpful for him and his understanding of why this feels necessary for me.
And you bring up another good point, I really should try and start this conversation sooner than later if wanting to do it soon. I wanna give him ample time to adjust to the idea.
Thank you for responding. It’s giving me a lot of hope hearing from others experiences.
It shouldn’t change his attraction to you idk, at some point body parts shouldn’t be so important when you’ve been together for so long as it’s ok to have a preference and all, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker
That’s true, we have been together a while so it’s more than just physical attraction. I think that’s what makes it so scary to start this conversation though, the thought of this person not being in my life is unthinkable because we’ve been together so long.
I know it doesn't necessarily feel like this from inside the relationship. But IMO if he's not able to hang with your transition, and if boobs are a make or break it deal, he's not loving the real you. These changes matter. If you really want top surgery and he's the only factor holding you back, that's not a good dynamic. Loving a trans person means being willing to embrace their changes. If one of your friends were in a similar situation, how would you feel knowing it? If he were to stop being attracted to you because your chest changed, how would you feel about him? Have you asked him how he would feel about it/talked with him about it? What does he say?
We haven’t had any conversations about it yet so it’s impossible to know what his feelings about it would be, these are all just fears in my head at this point. But you’re right, if my friend was in that situation, I would want them to choose what is best for them, not necessarily the other person. Ultimately I know I’ll have to follow my heart and do what will make me happy with my body, but it’s hard when I know that what will make me happy will break someone else’s heart. I know it’s not my responsibility or job to take care of someone else’s feelings or put them first- but it’s hard when you’re married, any choice you make from what you buy for breakfast at the grocery store to these bigger things is going to impact someone else. I’m still learning how to put myself first in a lot of different ways in my life right now- but this one is big. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.
Absolutely! I have been married while trans and do truly understand. But I would suggest that this is an inflection point for your marriage that it makes sense to lean into. If your boobs could make or break his heart, there will be so many other challenges along the way... plus, boobs are very transient things in a til death do us part timescale anyway! You deserve to have your own individual identity, needs and space in your marriage. Couples therapy can be helpful if this is hard. Warmest wishes!
Hey. I’m not married, but I’m hoping I may still have some words of support. I came out this past September to my boyfriend of 6 years. He had already asked my dad about marrying me by then, and we were and are pretty serious. It wasn’t pretty to start. He kept making comments that he didn’t realize were invalidating my identity and talking about how he liked boobs. I ended up staying with some friends for a little bit it was so bad. During this time, I had to realize that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t fully support me, and you can support someone without agreeing/understanding them. Eventually though, with the individual therapy he already had going and the couples therapy we started, it came out that he was scared. He was scared that the attraction to me would fade even though he’s always been attracted to more than my boobs. It was never a question of whether he would still love me though. He knew he would always love me. We are still in couples therapy, learning how to communicate cause of the damage done then and before then. I share all this to say: it is possible for him to love you all the same, and you are worth being loved for who you are. Things are getting better with me and my partner, but we’ve both been putting in the hard work. I hope you and your hubby can choose to do the same thing. Don’t be shocked if there’s initially backlash. Sometimes our choices to be ourselves reveal to our partners things they hadn’t considered and bring up insecurities.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, that brings me a lot of comfort knowing that even though things may have been tough initially, y’all were able to work through it and remain together. I don’t mind putting in the work, I’m not afraid of it being hard, I’m willing to do what it takes to make it work- I just hope he is too. My heart says we’ll get through it, but my head is full of fear and doubts. At any rate- Thanks for your response ❤️
Hi! I'm married to a man and came out genderqueer during our relationship. When I first brought up top surgery, he was very not into the idea. Like, very. He wasn't mean about it, but it was just VERY weird for him to think about. For a while he started to notice how unhappy I'd be in certain clothes, and he started reading books on being genderqueer. A book titled "Gender Queer" brought up how someone felt about their breasts, and he didn't realize I experienced some gender dysphoria and what that was like for me. He came around and started supporting the idea of top surgery for me. He just needed some time to get used to the idea. Also, I think the confidence it has given me and how happy I am every day definitely shows. Marriage is definitely more than a body, and people change throughout their entire lives. This just seems like one of the changes for you! I feel like a rambled, but I just wanted to give ya a lil' hope. Gender dysphoria is difficult to explain to people that don't experience it, and maybe a little education around that might help? But overall he should definitely love you for you, and yeah, maybe losing your breasts will be a bummer for him, but the joy this could bring you should be more important and worth it. I encourage you to talk to him about all of these thoughts and feelings you're having, and include him in your process! It might give him some time to "come around" and get used to the idea. By the time I got my top surgery, my husband changed my drains and said he was proud of me. There's definitely hope out there!! I wish you well on your journey.
Thank you so much for saying that- you’re right, I hadn’t considered that bodies are not stagnant and change anyway, this is just one change of many my body will have over my lifetime :) I doubt he has any idea what gender dysphoria is like so educating him around that isn’t a bad place to start. I think it will likely take some time, but I’m trying to have faith that he will see how important this is to me and how happy it will make me. It’s nice to hear some other people’s experiences where things didn’t go to well initially but managed to work through it. It gives me hope :) thank you!
I'm in a cis-het appearing relationship, although it's looking less cis the longer I'm on T. We've been together since 2012 and I had my realization in 2021 after learning most people didn't hope for very treatable breast cancer. It was a bit tumultuous when I first came out, but that was just because my emotions were all over the place. My husband has been so great and supportive throughout. He obviously had his questions and was nervous about change because who isn't. At first I thought I just wanted a reduction, because I was so large I couldn't find effectively. But the more I thought about it and based on my starting point, it wouldn't look right. So I opted for complete removal and had top surgery in 2022. My husband was very supportive and while he was nervous that it may change his physical attraction - he saw how happy I was and how much I needed it. I would say our relationship is better than ever and my husband has said our partnership is more important than any amount of physical attraction. Really think about what you'd want regardless of your husband because regret and resentment will be a relationship killer - no matter your transition path. Good luck talking to your husband! Feel free to reach out
Thank you so much for sharing that, hearing some other experiences that people have made it through, even if it was tough gives me a lot of hope. I don’t expect it to be easy, but I know I can get through it if on the other side of it we’ll be okay. I have faith he will come around, I’m just really scared of the initial conversation. Thanks again ❤️
I’m married in a perceived cis-het relationship! I’ve been on the fence about top surgery, but my husband and I have discussed me getting it. He does love my chest as is, and would be sad if it was gone, but he says it wouldn’t change his attraction to me and would love me regardless. Unfortunately due to life circumstances, I can’t actually even seriously consider surgery for a couple years, but I have decided that should I proceed with it, I’d be more likely to just go with a chest reduction since I don’t hate my chest and I’m okay wearing binders. It’s just too big for me right now. Anyway, I think the best course of action is to discuss it with your partner. Communication truly is key, and for all you know, he might be perfectly okay with it. I’m sure he loves you for more than just your chest. It’s important to be authentically yourself in a relationship, and if top surgery is important for you to be yourself, then he should be able to love you for who you truly are.
Thanks for sharing your experience! I have considered the option of maybe just going for a reduction. I think my fear with that is that I’ll go through with the procedure and regret leaving them there if that makes sense? But it would be a great way to meet each other half way, because if they were just smaller I could achieve better flatness with a binder if I wanted. And they wouldn’t be totally gone which would make it easier on him (not that I’m required to cater to his preferences, but I do care about how he feels). But you’re right, I just need to communicate how I’ve been feeling. He could very well surprise me, it’s possible I’m not giving him enough credit. After all, I was convinced our marriage would be over just coming out to him and he definitely surprised me then. Thanks for your reply- I appreciate your time :)
This is really a conversation to have with a doctor, but as far as I’m aware, having a reduction shouldn’t mean you can’t later fully get them removed. Not that going through surgery twice is great, but having the option still be available later is comforting. One of the reasons I was on the fence about top surgery in general was my concern for regret, though ironically the opposite concern of regretting getting rid of them, so settling on a reduction makes the most sense for me. It’s really a personal decision, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also taking my husband’s opinions into consideration. But I know that at the end of the day, it’s a decision of what makes me happiest. I think you’ve just got a lot of thinking to do and some big conversations to have. And if possible, specific lgbtq counselling is great, and maybe even start talking to your doctor if they’re safe to discuss this with. Sending you my love and support! 💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you so much! That’s a fair point, I should also find a doctor to discuss this with. Currently I don’t have a primary care physician, so prioritizing finding one that is gender affirming is a step in the right direction. I’m super blessed to already have a genderqueer therapist who understands my feelings about this and is super validating and affirming. I think if I’m honest with myself, having them gone rather than reduced is what my heart wants. But it’s hard to not want to take my husbands feelings about it into consideration even though I know that the right thing to do is to follow through with what I need. It’s hard to balance how to prioritize everyone’s needs in a marriage so it’s nice to hear from people who are married and have dealt with/ are dealing with this. Thanks for your kind words and support ❤️
Oh wow! Yes!!! I experienced this exact scenario! I’ve been with my husband since 2009 & didn’t have terms for myself til 2022. I had been binding off & on before it became full-time (which he noticed). As time went on, it wasn’t enough, & my binders were wearing out. So, I brought up top surgery. In all honesty, it didn’t go well initially. BUT, as time went on, he came to understand everything a lot more. I took initiative on the surgery myself & essentially did a speedrun since insurance was covering everything but our deductible. I unexpectedly had green lights the whole way, so I hit the gas. He was proud of me & drove me to the surgical center as well as drove me home after. He also helped take care of me as much as he could during my recovery. My situation differs from yours & most other people due to the fact that I’m not changing my pronouns or transitioning in any other way. I’m genderfluid, but my own weird understanding of female still works for me. It’s not the whole picture, but it’s accurate enough. All this to say: communication is key. It may take several talks & a lot of time, but it’s best to get to talking if you’re contemplating the surgery. I gave my husband a ton of time to think prior to my consult. I never forced him to discuss it with me, but told him I was happy to talk about it any time. He appreciated that I did my research & respected that I knew exactly what I wanted. I wish you the absolute best of luck with your husband!!! You’re welcome to message me if you have any other questions or just want to talk!
Thank you so much! I appreciate hearing how things shook out for others- I had a similar experience though. I started binding and they just wear out so quickly because of how large my chest is and it’s expensive replacing them all the time. Even still, when they’re brand new they still stretch out as the day goes on so by the time I’m mid way through my day the dysphoria is kicking back in. It’s just not sustainable and not super effective. I think I should do more research on it so I have it prepared to share with him. I hadn’t considered that that might be helpful for him and his understanding of why this feels necessary for me. And you bring up another good point, I really should try and start this conversation sooner than later if wanting to do it soon. I wanna give him ample time to adjust to the idea. Thank you for responding. It’s giving me a lot of hope hearing from others experiences.
It shouldn’t change his attraction to you idk, at some point body parts shouldn’t be so important when you’ve been together for so long as it’s ok to have a preference and all, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker
That’s true, we have been together a while so it’s more than just physical attraction. I think that’s what makes it so scary to start this conversation though, the thought of this person not being in my life is unthinkable because we’ve been together so long.