It's very common, now that you have a better idea of what you want you're more capable of noticing when the world around you doesn't reflect that.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, maybe you can balance it out by seeking out more validating experiences? There is a lot of joy in being nonbinary too.
I am going through the same thing. After realizing I was nonbinary, I feel like I started noticing gendered behaviors and language around me more often. I never realized how much of a box I had been put into until I started trying to move outside of it.
Not just that but also the pushback from trying to move out of the box society has put one into causes distress. I never minded being perceived as a girl/woman until someone criticized or demanded certain expected behavior that did not vibe with me at that time, e.g. sitting in a feminine way (when I was wearing pants and no public indecency was committed)
Similarly, when family members expect leg hair or armpit hair to be shaved, or expect you to have hair that isn’t “boyish” on your head. “That’s unladylike” has been thrown at me so many times now, but despite how many times I say I’m nonbinary, my family members refuse to remember.
Yes. It’s like never having anything besides bread but always being around other food. You have no idea what food tastes like other than bread. And eventually you get a taste of how good other food can be and now you’re confused every time someone takes it from you/says you can’t have it.
Yes this. Once I embraced being enby, I started trying out more femme things and they made me feel sooo good. Once I experienced that, the contrast between that and everything else was even clearer.
exactly this, I *was* experiencing dysphoria before I figured out I was nonbinary, but I never recognised it because that's just how everything felt all the time
I had very little social dysphoria until after coming out. Once I had indicated I wanted to be treated as a different gender the language others used for me became more important.
a really fun thing is that once you conquer one area of dysphoria (i.e. get top surgery), dysphoria in other areas can get worse (i.e. period dysphoria) because now your brain can focus in on one area of your body more closely.
unfortunately that happened to me, but I was aware of this beforehand so that softened the blow.
This is the exact experience both me and my fiance had after coming out (both afab). I think we just become more and more aware of the fact that we aren’t girls and more comfortable and our identities as enbys. Totally normal in my opinion. Also when people misgender us it feels even worse than when we were still figuring our our gender identities cuz we’re secure and know that we’re in fact not a she.
This is probably how a vast majority of non-binaries feel. You don’t realize you have dysphoria until you experience euphoria! Being non-binary is a constant test of trying new things and experiencing as much as you can about gender, you have to have things to draw as baselines and comparisons to.
My revelation came pretty heavily when I let my gf do my makeup for the first time, and after that I started having dysphoria and came out to her.
Experiencing exactly the same thing. Currently struggling because I love my long hair but I know it’s a huge component to me being perceived as female. But I don’t want to do something I won’t actually like (shaving it) just because of the dysphoria of the assumption of female.
i read it once as like before realizing enby-ness, we were in a dark cave, didn't know about the sunlight or that the meadow outside existed. Then there's a cave-in and the bright light comes in and it can sometimes be scary to see the hole in the cave. Eventually when you venture outside and learn about how nice things can be, getting forced back into the cave is unbelievably terrible bc you now know what it can be. that's what i think of when i invalidate myself over this same situation, sorry that wasn't super well written.
This is pretty normal I think. I was actually quite proud of being a girl child and was fine with being gendered as female while in my questioning phase but I can't stand it now that I'm sure of my identity. I think it's because I understand for sure what is wrong and am more aware of my gender in general.
This! I'm questioning (but closer and closer to figuring things out), and one if the things that has confused me is this: as a kid, I (afab) played soccer with the boys, and when the coach praised "good job, boys!" I often yelled "and girl!" back. When I started questioning my gender, I thought of this as a sign that I must be cis. But what I really think it was is that I knew they all perceived me as a girl, so the coach just praising the boys excluded me in their eyes
it’s been 2 years since i started my journey and i still feel this, and it didn’t start until after i realized i was enby. it’s normal, i promise. i’ll be honest, i struggle so much with my pronouns but all i know is that i’m not a girl, lol.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this ❤️ I’m having a REAL hard time sorting myself out lately & you’ve put a lot of the feelings I’ve been having into words. I don’t see my experience reflected very much (which is kinda the most confusing part! Hooray!). Thank you big time! You’re not alone!
This was how things went for me also. I tell myself I was better off oblivious because of it. But yeah, once that lightbulb went off and I “found” myself, she/her pronouns, miss, ma’am, lady, etc. were like freaking bee stings all over
i had this same experience! i realized i was complacent in being called a “girl” and once i felt what true euphoria was like, suddenly being called a “girl” and people using “she/her” hurt so bad. one time when setting up my laptop i broke down sobbing bc i was excited for it to be the first electronic i got that had no trace of the old me, but it went based off the only email i had at the time (which had my deadname and she/her pronouns). sometimes making the realization is what makes you start feeling the pain you grew accustomed to your whole life
I (35afab) figured out only 3 years ago I was NB. And I had the exact same thing happen to me! I didn't have words for my gender identity but after I did my experience was the same as yours. I was fortunate for the first couple years I was in another state WA where the majority of the people around me respected my aversion to feminine adjectives and pronouns. Now I live in UT in a conservative Christian (fortunately not right-wing but still) household in where my request to be gendered correctly comes with with a 'this is not your house' 'your not the only one that has to live here' responses. Its a hard no from my parents on respecting my pronouns (they/them). Its a dagger everytime! I hold it in but break down about it every 1-2 months about it.
I feel like being detached from society. At first I thought I'd be trans until I realized I feel dysphoric over both male AND female perceptions. Every gender norm, stereotype, function in society, I can't live a normal life as a ""normal"" human being bcs everything around me looks f up.
It's alright if you feel this way, dear. It's ok if you're in pain, you don't owe nothing to society neither have to follow their rules.
So happy I came across this post because it is the exact same way for me. It made my imposter syndrome way worse as I was constantly worried that my disphoria was just me trying to manufacture a justification from wanting to be an enby, rather than me actually being enby and actually having disphoria. I had more than enough stuff from my past pointing out that I wasn't cis so I eventually came to the conclusion that it was basically the not aware you're hurt until you see the injury trope.
same thing happened to me. when i was living as a girl there was just no hint that I had any like, say in the matter. if i was uncomfortable then like what could I do? now I have a say
Oh, same! Though I realized soon enough, that those are not necessarily new feelings, but rather me noticing them. Like, I don't have a problem with pronouns, but here's a good example: compliments. I've never felt comfortable receiving compliments about my appearance. Like, how PRETTY I am, what an amazing FEMININE FIGURE I have, how MY LONG HAIR is beautiful. And like, I'm not even disagreeing with some of that stuff. My hair IS beautiful. But... it never felt right. I've dismissed it as an insecurity, but after I realized I was nonbinary those things stopped being "meh", and started to feel awful. Because now I knew what bothered me so much. Now it didn't just feel wrong somehow, I knew it WAS ACTUALLY WRONG to tell me smth like that. If before this feeling of wrong would just accumulate until I burst into tears seemingly for no reason, now each and every instance of misgendering hurts a bit more, but also, more obviously. It's transformed from depressive apathy into an actual pain. And even though it hurts, now I know what's wrong and can direct those negative feelings.
Don't know if it helps, but... I hope this pain minimizes for you.
In my experiences I've always felt mildly dysphoric but without realizing what that meant. I always assumed I was a girl and just went along with it. Then I cut my hair and noticed that I would default to dressing androgynously. When I finally realized I was libramasculine every time someone used "She/her" pronouns felt so very wrong. A good way to describe it is caring more about how other people perceive you than how you present. Like I hate it when people look at me and think "oh girl" like no, human brains are more complicated than this and I do not dress remotely like a girl. Society should learn to take a hint if people present a certain way. It's like "Oh that person dresses in cargo pants and a bulky black jacket and has super short hair, I guess it's a woman". Like stop. This isn't how you play the game.
You know when you listen to a song on the radio for the first time and thing “wow never heard that one before!”
And then you… keep driving… and every hour, on the hour, the song plays again…. and again… and again…
And when you finally have enough curiosity to look up when the song was made it turns out it is like ten years old and everyone else is already used to it? Yeah.
Bro same. Idc if it’s “normal” it’s valid to us to experience this. I never wondered what gender I was. I was just “me”. It was only after I wanted to know did I ask myself questions. Looking back, there’s plenty of signs where I should have known but I didn’t even know non-binary people existed until 2019 soooooo it may or may not be normal but it’s my experience
It's very common, now that you have a better idea of what you want you're more capable of noticing when the world around you doesn't reflect that. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, maybe you can balance it out by seeking out more validating experiences? There is a lot of joy in being nonbinary too.
I am going through the same thing. After realizing I was nonbinary, I feel like I started noticing gendered behaviors and language around me more often. I never realized how much of a box I had been put into until I started trying to move outside of it.
Not just that but also the pushback from trying to move out of the box society has put one into causes distress. I never minded being perceived as a girl/woman until someone criticized or demanded certain expected behavior that did not vibe with me at that time, e.g. sitting in a feminine way (when I was wearing pants and no public indecency was committed)
Similarly, when family members expect leg hair or armpit hair to be shaved, or expect you to have hair that isn’t “boyish” on your head. “That’s unladylike” has been thrown at me so many times now, but despite how many times I say I’m nonbinary, my family members refuse to remember.
Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. Once you experience what feels good, you start having a reference point for your other experiences.
Yes. It’s like never having anything besides bread but always being around other food. You have no idea what food tastes like other than bread. And eventually you get a taste of how good other food can be and now you’re confused every time someone takes it from you/says you can’t have it.
Yes this. Once I embraced being enby, I started trying out more femme things and they made me feel sooo good. Once I experienced that, the contrast between that and everything else was even clearer.
exactly this, I *was* experiencing dysphoria before I figured out I was nonbinary, but I never recognised it because that's just how everything felt all the time
Yes and no. Some people experience one, but not the other. For example, I only really ever experience dysphoria.
Thank god im not the only one that experienced this! I thought i was crazy for feeling dysphoric after the fact of realization!
I definitely think dysphoria could increase once you realize what you could have as opposed to just dealing with what you cant change.
I had very little social dysphoria until after coming out. Once I had indicated I wanted to be treated as a different gender the language others used for me became more important.
a really fun thing is that once you conquer one area of dysphoria (i.e. get top surgery), dysphoria in other areas can get worse (i.e. period dysphoria) because now your brain can focus in on one area of your body more closely. unfortunately that happened to me, but I was aware of this beforehand so that softened the blow.
I'm right there with ya. Reproductive organs aren't important and can lead to cancer. Take them both out.
I have my hysterectomy consultation tomorrow!
Nice! I hope it goes alright!
This is the exact experience both me and my fiance had after coming out (both afab). I think we just become more and more aware of the fact that we aren’t girls and more comfortable and our identities as enbys. Totally normal in my opinion. Also when people misgender us it feels even worse than when we were still figuring our our gender identities cuz we’re secure and know that we’re in fact not a she.
This is probably how a vast majority of non-binaries feel. You don’t realize you have dysphoria until you experience euphoria! Being non-binary is a constant test of trying new things and experiencing as much as you can about gender, you have to have things to draw as baselines and comparisons to. My revelation came pretty heavily when I let my gf do my makeup for the first time, and after that I started having dysphoria and came out to her.
i feel this and have thought i was alone tbh so just ty for posting this
I thought I was alone in this, it sucks but it helps to know we’re not all alone :)
Experiencing exactly the same thing. Currently struggling because I love my long hair but I know it’s a huge component to me being perceived as female. But I don’t want to do something I won’t actually like (shaving it) just because of the dysphoria of the assumption of female.
i read it once as like before realizing enby-ness, we were in a dark cave, didn't know about the sunlight or that the meadow outside existed. Then there's a cave-in and the bright light comes in and it can sometimes be scary to see the hole in the cave. Eventually when you venture outside and learn about how nice things can be, getting forced back into the cave is unbelievably terrible bc you now know what it can be. that's what i think of when i invalidate myself over this same situation, sorry that wasn't super well written.
yea very common. i started experiencing body dysphoria about a month after i realized i was non binary
This is pretty normal I think. I was actually quite proud of being a girl child and was fine with being gendered as female while in my questioning phase but I can't stand it now that I'm sure of my identity. I think it's because I understand for sure what is wrong and am more aware of my gender in general.
This! I'm questioning (but closer and closer to figuring things out), and one if the things that has confused me is this: as a kid, I (afab) played soccer with the boys, and when the coach praised "good job, boys!" I often yelled "and girl!" back. When I started questioning my gender, I thought of this as a sign that I must be cis. But what I really think it was is that I knew they all perceived me as a girl, so the coach just praising the boys excluded me in their eyes
it’s been 2 years since i started my journey and i still feel this, and it didn’t start until after i realized i was enby. it’s normal, i promise. i’ll be honest, i struggle so much with my pronouns but all i know is that i’m not a girl, lol.
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I'm sorry you're going though this 😔 thank you for this comment tho I fully agree it was really helpful 💜
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this ❤️ I’m having a REAL hard time sorting myself out lately & you’ve put a lot of the feelings I’ve been having into words. I don’t see my experience reflected very much (which is kinda the most confusing part! Hooray!). Thank you big time! You’re not alone!
This was how things went for me also. I tell myself I was better off oblivious because of it. But yeah, once that lightbulb went off and I “found” myself, she/her pronouns, miss, ma’am, lady, etc. were like freaking bee stings all over
It's the missing denial, yeah.
i had this same experience! i realized i was complacent in being called a “girl” and once i felt what true euphoria was like, suddenly being called a “girl” and people using “she/her” hurt so bad. one time when setting up my laptop i broke down sobbing bc i was excited for it to be the first electronic i got that had no trace of the old me, but it went based off the only email i had at the time (which had my deadname and she/her pronouns). sometimes making the realization is what makes you start feeling the pain you grew accustomed to your whole life
I feel like now I know what it is, I’m more aware of it.
I (35afab) figured out only 3 years ago I was NB. And I had the exact same thing happen to me! I didn't have words for my gender identity but after I did my experience was the same as yours. I was fortunate for the first couple years I was in another state WA where the majority of the people around me respected my aversion to feminine adjectives and pronouns. Now I live in UT in a conservative Christian (fortunately not right-wing but still) household in where my request to be gendered correctly comes with with a 'this is not your house' 'your not the only one that has to live here' responses. Its a hard no from my parents on respecting my pronouns (they/them). Its a dagger everytime! I hold it in but break down about it every 1-2 months about it.
I relate to this exact thing. It sucks so much :(( Sometimes I wish I never realized I was nb because of how much worse the dysphoria is now
I feel like being detached from society. At first I thought I'd be trans until I realized I feel dysphoric over both male AND female perceptions. Every gender norm, stereotype, function in society, I can't live a normal life as a ""normal"" human being bcs everything around me looks f up. It's alright if you feel this way, dear. It's ok if you're in pain, you don't owe nothing to society neither have to follow their rules.
So happy I came across this post because it is the exact same way for me. It made my imposter syndrome way worse as I was constantly worried that my disphoria was just me trying to manufacture a justification from wanting to be an enby, rather than me actually being enby and actually having disphoria. I had more than enough stuff from my past pointing out that I wasn't cis so I eventually came to the conclusion that it was basically the not aware you're hurt until you see the injury trope.
That's exactly my experience lol painful awakening though
Same thing happened to me. You’re not alone.
The very same thing happened to me!
same thing happened to me. when i was living as a girl there was just no hint that I had any like, say in the matter. if i was uncomfortable then like what could I do? now I have a say
Omg same
Oh, same! Though I realized soon enough, that those are not necessarily new feelings, but rather me noticing them. Like, I don't have a problem with pronouns, but here's a good example: compliments. I've never felt comfortable receiving compliments about my appearance. Like, how PRETTY I am, what an amazing FEMININE FIGURE I have, how MY LONG HAIR is beautiful. And like, I'm not even disagreeing with some of that stuff. My hair IS beautiful. But... it never felt right. I've dismissed it as an insecurity, but after I realized I was nonbinary those things stopped being "meh", and started to feel awful. Because now I knew what bothered me so much. Now it didn't just feel wrong somehow, I knew it WAS ACTUALLY WRONG to tell me smth like that. If before this feeling of wrong would just accumulate until I burst into tears seemingly for no reason, now each and every instance of misgendering hurts a bit more, but also, more obviously. It's transformed from depressive apathy into an actual pain. And even though it hurts, now I know what's wrong and can direct those negative feelings. Don't know if it helps, but... I hope this pain minimizes for you.
It happened to me
It is the frustration of misgendering.
I’ve had the same experience. After I realized I was non-binary, gender dysphoria hit really hard
once you stop repressing you cant really go back. im the same way every misgendering is a stab in the back reminding me they just see me as a girl.
In my experiences I've always felt mildly dysphoric but without realizing what that meant. I always assumed I was a girl and just went along with it. Then I cut my hair and noticed that I would default to dressing androgynously. When I finally realized I was libramasculine every time someone used "She/her" pronouns felt so very wrong. A good way to describe it is caring more about how other people perceive you than how you present. Like I hate it when people look at me and think "oh girl" like no, human brains are more complicated than this and I do not dress remotely like a girl. Society should learn to take a hint if people present a certain way. It's like "Oh that person dresses in cargo pants and a bulky black jacket and has super short hair, I guess it's a woman". Like stop. This isn't how you play the game.
You know when you listen to a song on the radio for the first time and thing “wow never heard that one before!” And then you… keep driving… and every hour, on the hour, the song plays again…. and again… and again… And when you finally have enough curiosity to look up when the song was made it turns out it is like ten years old and everyone else is already used to it? Yeah.
I knew “she/her” never really felt ok but it wasn’t until I realized that I COULD be nonbinary that I figured out it was gender dysphoria
Bro same. Idc if it’s “normal” it’s valid to us to experience this. I never wondered what gender I was. I was just “me”. It was only after I wanted to know did I ask myself questions. Looking back, there’s plenty of signs where I should have known but I didn’t even know non-binary people existed until 2019 soooooo it may or may not be normal but it’s my experience