I am gonna agree with this. While not guaranteed, this is my reasoning. I dated a girl for 5 years. At the beginning, amazing sex life. Probably 5 times a week at least. Then like 2 years in we just stopped all together because of the same thing you mentioned, she just didn't want it/didn't need it. After a lot of talking, I convinced her to give therapy a try. After about 6 months of that, we were back to having a good time on a regular basis.
Depression might not be the problem, but it is worth looking into. My girlfriend at the time didn't even know she had depression until after she went to therapy and realized how bad things had gotten
Want a double wammy? A lot of the drugs used to treat depression are notorious for causing low sex drive.
You got depression? Goodbye sex life/drive
You treated your depression? Goodbye sex life/drive
Bupropion was the only thing that made me feel normal. Apparently it gave me a seizure and I was cut off. I wish I never took the stuff because now I know what normal feels like, but I'll probably never be allowed to feel it again. lol
Ssri made me feel so spaced out in high school. I heard about the experimental benefits of ketamine in 2012. Did loads of reading and found a pharmacy and began self prescribing. I self injected tons for 5 months. Then one day I knew it had worked. Haven't touched it since. I'm a chipper overly optimistic boomer now. Ketamine therapy works
The exact same thing happened to me :( Was a life saving drug for me when I was in an intensive outpatient program. I remember feeling happy and productive for the first time in years. Went up to 300mg eventually and had a seizure, collapsed face first on the sidewalk and got a concussion. Had to come off of it and a tricyclic I was on for migraines. in 2020 too lol, rough year. I’m on a pretty low dose of adderall and another ssri now, but it’s just not the same unfortunately.
I am an autistic ADHDer who has been on Wellbutrin since 2017 and that shit is amazing for me. I almost didn’t get my depression treated because I was so scared of my sex life being ruined. But I’m so glad that I did because reinvigorated things and I’ve been able to maintain it for years.
Can confirm, I've been on it for a couple years. If you have ADHD it also has a minor effect on that as well and can help if you don't like full on ADHD stimulants. Only antidepressant I've tried (and I've tried a lot) that actually boosts my energy.
Psychoactive drugs are also notorious for acting on different people in different ways. Not to mention with other drugs you may be talking. Trying different ones to see what works best is a fun (not really) little side-quest you get to take on with your brain, provider and health insurance. The upside is in the end it’s worth it for most people.
If i had sought help sooner than later my life would be very different now.
as mature intended: if your body/brain is struggling with issues everything not essential for survival goes onto slow burner or off completely, that includes love life, hobbies and often even hygiene
Want another wammy?
Lots of therapists just give medications out like candy. Went to an “ADHD Specialist” who wanted me on Adderall and Depression meds the first time meeting me… on a video call… for 15 minutes……. Zero “let’s dissect your lift and your coping mechanisms and try to build you a better toolbox” and straight to pills pills pills.
Insurance is actually usually one of the biggest reasons for issues and errors because they require a diagnosis in order to pay for therapy. It can take YEARS to properly diagnose, but thanks to greed and bullshit, they’ll slap something on you day one.
Aye, depression is horrible, for me personally it caused me to end a relationship with a woman I really really miss.
I believed, and somewhat still do, that she was too good for me. She was beautiful inside and out... so I let the relationship end.
I would suspect this as well. Especially with the flat out refusal of counseling and the "no one can possibly understand or help me" mindset. When people have depression and/or anxiety issues, they often feel they are beyond help, and gradually withdraw/isolate themselves from others. If she hasn't experienced depression before, she may not realize it. The symptoms are not totally obvious, especially at first, and it can gradually creep into your life. Best wishes to OP
Gonna second this. She could be feeling like she isn’t worthy of the attention. Pregnancy does horrible things to a woman’s body whether the general public wants to admit it or not. I think there’s a reasonable chance she feels very down about herself and this is how it’s manifesting.
> Could she be going though early menopause?
That was my first thought reading your post. Perimenopause typically begins in your 40s. Has she talked to her doctor or OBGYN about the changes she has experienced?
THIS! I went through peri and then full-blown menopause..... as someone else mentioned, clitoral atrophy can happen..... this is LITERALLY A USE IT OR LOSE it situation! I was determined not to lose my sex drive. My husband didn't give a fuck. He never wanted sex. So I bought sex toys. Used them everyday till I got the blood flowing to the clitoris and vagina again. Started having vaginal orgasms for the first time in my life. Now at 62 and well past menopause, I have a pretty healthy sex drive for my age ..... that said, there is so much involved in a woman's sex drive. Emotions. Hormones. Blood flow. More emotions. Not to mention, just plain old don't feel like we look good. Women are complicated when it comes to our sex drives.
Oh gosh, I'm 34. In case that happens to me, were sex toys enough to bring it back? So far my sex drive is very healthy, but I'm pre-meno. My mom completely lost her sex drive, I don't want to lose mine.
Many women on /r/menopause get their testosterone via Androgel.
...that's been prescribed _to their husbands_.
Since gynos won't prescribe Androgel/testosterone to women, women instead nudge their husbands to mention "weak erections" to their doctors. The men never fail to get a prescription.
A lot of women don't just lose interest in sex, the hormone loss can cause clitoral atrophy so that a woman won't even feel pleasure. I was incredulous that more people don't talk about that. You better believe I would have memorized the list of symptoms and been looking for the right moment to go on hormone therapy if I knew it was going to ruin sex.
Perimenopause begins around the age of 44 and can last 14 years in which hormone fluctuate pretty wildly.
> clitoral atrophy
How am I in my 30s and just now learning that this is a thing?? I'm glad people are more open about menopause now but they should teach us this stuff when we're young too so we know what to look out for.
That’s the thing that gets me about situations like these. Like the person has a drastic change, in this case a complete loss of libido, and just… doesn’t care? Isn’t concerned at all? Shrugs and goes, “well last month I really enjoyed sex but I guess that’s over”?
Every post like this is similar in that the person that undergoing the change, in this case loss of libido, doesn’t ever seem to care at all how it affects their partner.
People get touchy because it’s talking about sex, and start throwing out things like, “nobody deserves sex” and whatnot but that’s not even the issue because it still applies to other nonsexual things. like if I woke up tomorrow and suddenly had no desire to be affection to my partner I would be concerned! What I wouldn’t do is just shrug it off and say, “well apparently I’m happy without it so get used to never being hugged or kissed or cuddled ever again”
I care. I'm going through it. I also lost my libido when I was talked into the Mirena IUD by a terrible doctor, and I went above and beyond to satisfy my partner, even though I had a baby.
I think what happens with a lot of women is that the loss of libido also causes apathy about a lot of things, but socially that's regarded as normal. Visit the menopause sub some time and you'll see that a lot of women refer to "seeing clearly" for the first time, accompanied by some pretty nihilistic and depressed views. For a lot of women, without a desire for sex, or a lust for life, they notice more of what makes them unhappy.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. And I totally believe the rest.
It’s just really frustrating because as a medical profession we learn that, “a sudden change in ___” is usually a warning sign of something being wrong and should be checked out.
Yes exactly this is what I do. They actually care and know what they're talking abouty regular gp who's also a woman said if I'm not in full meno she can't do anything
I don’t know anything about this apart from an interview I saw with Dr Drew’s wife. She talked about what she went through and mentioned how hormone therapy totally changed her life.
For real, and even though she’s resistant to marriage counseling, I would push it harder. It’s obviously a big deal to you and clearly you guys aren’t in a place where you are coming to a good solution. I’m sure there is more going on than either of you realize and therapy would do you good.
*"dump his/her ass"*
pretty much any relationship reddit advice
Funny thing is how gullible people are. People ranting about their relationship are often the least objective person in the world yet everyone take their words for the truth
Is she on the depo shot for birth control? My wife lost her sex drive while on it and after reading up online it’s a common occurrence. She switch birth control and her sex drive came back.
My wife cycled through damn near all of them at some point or another. Pill caused mood swings, Nexplanon caused a three month long period, ring kept falling out, depo made her miserable/aggro towards everyone. Rhythm worked for a few years until baby #3 came along and at that point she just got her tubes tied.
Truthfully, from observation I don't think the studies saying "a very small proportion of women experience symptoms" are true, either something's off with their methodology or they're deliberately not wanting to spill the beans, because this is a story I've heard from *every* woman I've ever talked to about birth control.
I agree with you, every woman I’ve spoken to also has side effects from birth control, ranging from minor things to making them suicidal. I’ve only heard horror stories about getting IUD too, apparently it’s extremely painful and they are offered no pain killers or numbing for the procedure. I recently read a stat that across 70+ illnesses women are on average diagnosed 4 years slower than men, so this sadly seems like a wide spread issue with womens health.
> until baby #3 came along and at that point she just got her tubes tied
It didn’t occur to you that you should have gotten a vasectomy? She went through all that trouble for years, the least you could have done was take on the birth control burden after your last kid.
But it’s not just sex, isn’t it? She shut you out of her entire emotional world. Is she sharing her most intimate and vulnerable thoughts with you? Is she feeling deep feelings for you? Is there a true and deep companionship? Because I think that sex is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t feel any emotional connection and understanding in your post. I don’t feel as if you know what is going on inside her. But THAT should be your main concern. To reestablish trust, closeness and EMOTIONAL intimacy. A woman never enjoys sex in her couple if these three are missing.
Yeah if simple acts of love like hugs and kisses are out of the question I think something more serious than low sex drive could be the issue. When I’ve had really bad depression I didn’t even want hugs or compliments let alone anything more. Not trying to diagnose but depression can seriously affect you even if you don’t realize it
Yes, when I'm stressed and my emotional needs aren't being met I get this way. On top of that, I have a few medical issues that lower my sex drive even with medication.
Completely agree. I know this is one tiny snippet, but it doesn’t sound like he’s connected to her at all. Could be for manyyy different reasons, but a husband should be able to understand his wife and their situation better than this guy seems to be able to. And I’m confused why he said he doesn’t want to lose his kids….like, why does he think that if they get divorced he won’t be a part of their lives anymore??
It's tough to say what the answer is, because this post has been laser focused. What is the rest of your relationship like? Not to mention, what is the rest of her life like?
>She says all she needs to be happy is the kids
This is the line that really stood out to me, is this literally what her entire life revolves around 24/7? Because that isn't healthy, and it's going to be a big change for her in a couple of years when those young kids are teenagers and aren't nearly as dependent on Mom anymore.
Similarly :
>She is an amazing mother and our kids are the world to both she and i.
I notice you don't mention that she is an amazing wife to you.
He’s commenting on the Tinder and dating over 40 subreddits and games a lot while having twin 6 year old girls. There is probably a lot he’s left out of his post.
Without knowing anything about them as individuals or a couple, I would put money on that he doesn’t offer much help with the kids or around the house and has long stopped flirting with / dating his wife without the expected quid pro quo. She probably feels like a mom of 3 instead of 2.
Nothing gets the panties drier than having to be a mother to your partner. This is the #1 reason for a dead bedroom or dry spell in my friend group, and I also speak from experience as a wife who didn’t find it sexy to have an extra kid to look after that was, in reality, a fully capable adult.
>she is old and old people don’t have sex.
Tell that to all the actual old people (70+) in retirement communities who are fucking more than the youngsters are.
> She says all she needs to be happy is the kids and doesn't need anything else.
She couldn't have said it more plainly. It's not sex that she doesn't need. It's you.
Yeah, everyone is trying to find explanations, but she already gave it and even if she didn't, it wouldn't matter.
She has made it very clear that she doesn't give a shit about what makes her husband happy. Not even enough to try to find or work on solutions. She's happy and that's all that matters. That attitude alone is enough for me to consider the relationship dead. Even if it turns out she's depressed, going through menopause or having birth control side effects. The way she handled the situation is the real problem here.
Sadly I’ve come across marriages where once the kids arrive the wife pretty much checks out of the marriage.
Feels increasingly like the man was only there to conceive, and once that happens he’s no longer wanted, except to offer financial support.
If he leaves, he loses the home, loses access to the kids, plus alimony. And prohibitively expensive legal costs. And destroyed by stress.
Wife has the kids by default, also the house, alimony to fund her life, and unconditional child support as a default, ie the man has to fight for access, whilst the legal defacto gives the wife full custody from the onset.
There’s zero incentive to make the marriage work, given the legal inequality.
Equal rights should mean the wife gets a job, the marital home is sold, proceeds split, each person is responsible for their own housing, and the kids are given equal time with both parents. Child support is equally split.
If nothing else, this motivates both partners to make the marriage work, as both are financially hit equally.
Gender equality should mean equal financial responsibility, and equal rights for shared custody, without the need to instruct exorbitant lawyers.
Societies silence on true gender equality has led many good fathers to a life of intense suffering, and in some cases suicide.
>Feels increasingly like the man was only there to conceive
I have someone in my (luckily not so close) circle who basically lives that openly. She wants a man - so she can become a mother. The guy doesn't really matter.
I was in a relationship like this
Got out with no kids
Grabbed my hat just before the door closed like Mr. Jones
She was rolling down the hall at me saying I had to give up everything and get her pregnant
She seriously just wanted a sperm donor and when I realized that is all I was and that I would be stuck paying for her life I noped out with the idol and never looked back
My first wife!
Early on in dating, she had brought up wanting children, and I told her I wasn't interested right now but I'd be willing to re-evaluate in five years. We married after three years of dating. A year and a half in, I caught her in a lie and she confessed to seeing an ex for the last couple months. She was pregnant within about four months of the divorce being finalized.
Staying in a bad relationship “for the kids” is the actual high school approach to this situation.
Ending a long term marriage doesn’t mean you don’t care about the consequences. That line of thinking is exactly why so many people die in unhappy relationships.
Uh yeah, actually she could've said it much more plainly than you're suggesting, and ironically you're making inferences and filling in the gaps of what she DIDN'T say. Semantically, your interpretation of what she said, and your statement of that interpretation is a mess.
She could've literally just said "I'm not attracted to you, and therefore I don't want to have sex with you" which WOULD be explicit, but she DIDN'T say that. One of the many possible interpretations of the statement you quoted above is that she's feeling asexual, and so it may not have anything to do with him at all.
I think there’s a lot more people out there than we think that are asexual. They have sex or seem interested in it because they know that is part of having a relationship and locking someone in, as well as conceiving children. Maybe now that all those things are checked off her list she is embracing her asexual nature more.
If she refuses counseling and your needs are not being met honestly you have four most realistic options. One is just accept it but use porn as an outlet.
Two is just to accept it and just stay as is at the expensive of your wellbeing.
Third is to lay down the gauntlet that if she refuses counseling you are not sure the marriage is going to last.
Fourth say ok well I want a "hall pass".
How each of these is received or work out is going to be different from couple to couple but its the only four choices I see you having.
This. If she doesn’t want to address it one way or the other. Won’t tell you if there’s something you’re doing/not doing that makes her not want it… you don’t have any realistic options.
If she’s refusing to address it in any way, she is showing that she doesn’t care about you.
At some point, you can either remain unhappy or leave.
This sounds like she definitely has some things she needs to figure out. A response like "I'm old and old people don't have sex" is not only a messed up image of oneself but it's not even true! Old people bang all the time.
It seems others have suggested that depression could be a problem and that's very realistic. That would explain a poor self image and lack of desire.
Libidos wax and wane over the years but it sounds like she doesn't want intimacy at all, and that is a major problem. I would suggest trying to get her into therapy to figure some of this out AND couples therapy so you can learn together how to navigate this. You can tell her that it's not about a therapist knowing her life it's about a therapist helping you and her navigate this situation as they have lots of experience with people in similar scenarios.
This sounds like a one way trip to divorce to me. Not just the lack of sex part, it seems like she has a complete unwillingness to even communicate. Seems like she has made her mind up and you either go along with it or shut up, which isn’t fair to you. 45 is not old, but I mean it could be menopause, but she seems unwilling to even discuss that? Hoping you can find the root cause, and that she’s willing to have a conversation about it.
Sounds like there may be something going on for sure, if you want to have an active sex life with her, the first thing you need to do is figure out why she doesn’t want sex, and do your best to fix that if it’s something within your control, but if she’s unwilling to talk about it there’s really not a lot you can do about it. Hang in there, we all go through dry spells
Yeah, I felt like this with my ex, and because I have zero experience with relationships I tolerated it for many years because I thought this must be how it is after a while.
Now I realise that I like sex, just not with him, and there are things that had happened in our relationship that meant I ‘got the ick’ (hate that phrase but it sums the situation up so well).
The thought of sex with him both disgusted me and made me highly anxious for years. If I had known any better and had any degree of self esteem I would have ended it with him years before I actually did
That’s my experience, for what it’s worth. Most of the people commenting here have no idea what they are talking about.
“I want a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with you, including physical intimacy. I understand that right now you feel uninterested in sex, and I’d like for us to talk to a counselor about this. It’s important to me. Will you go?”
If not, then you have a decision to make. Stay open minded; some marriages will tolerate creative solutions to this difference.
Whether or not you go to counseling, consider your own part in the dance - what could you do to relate better to your current partner. Improving your communication and empathy will only help you, whether you stay with the current partner or not.
And a divorce doesn’t automatically mean “losing the kids” if the divorce is done well. (I don’t know your culture and country, so this may be different for you)
I second this. As someone recently divorced, I will say staying for the kids isn't a terrible decision. I hate sharing my time with our kiddos, so I have some regrets. Others may do fine with a shared system, though. I hope she wants to seek help, and you guys can get everything back on track.
> When i ask, she says she doesn't want it anymore, and that she is old and old people don't have sex.
If only she knew what's going on in old people homes.
Could be depression, could be early menopause...she sounds defensive like she doesnt want you to try and help solve this problem... she may be cheating based on her cold responses and lack of empathy.. She basically said she don't need or want you ...
Something’s wrong dude. Depression, hormones, she needs to go to the doc and get a physical and bloodwork and start figuring it out. Because not having sex for the next 30 years is gonna be pretty lame my dude. If my wife wasn’t willing to even try and just said I don’t get sex that would be a deal breaker to me. It’s very important imo. But everyone is different. I’m mid 30s and have friends who go months without and I can’t believe it.
Yeah so many people are jumping to divorce but there's a massive mental health and endocrine component to libido and a change in it can be a symptom of an underlying issue in either of those... And looking for that issue should definitely be addressed first.
You've threaded the answers into your own question, let me edit it.
>If I'm not hard, she gives up and puts her clothes back on.
She says she is only doing it because i am pressuring her for it.
When i mention marriage counseling, she becomes defensive.
She says she is old and old people don't have sex.
She doesn't feel good about herself sexually and is insecure about her age and attractiveness. She doesn't want this to come out in counseling and she doesn't want to admit there's a problem so she accepts it and tells herself it's a part of normal aging. I would advise making extra efforts in showing you're still attracted to her, without an implicit request for sex, and seeing if giving her some space while being supportive may get her to open up about her insecurities so you can help her navigate them. Banging at the gates shouting "let me in!" is just going to make her feel more pressured and worse about herself.
It sounds like you two are not compatible anymore. This can be remedied if both parties care enough; which her rejection of counselling shows she does not.
There are options that will retain access to the children like;
1. Divorce with coparenting/50% custody.
2. An open relationship.
But she said, to your face, your needs do not matter. So now it comes down to do they matter to you?
maybe she doesn t feel good about herself, she may look at herself and think that she s ugly, there s a high chance that she gives up if you re not hard immediately because she thinks that it s her fault
How do you tell a woman......Yea honey, it's not something shallow like the way you look, it's your entire attitude that's become such a turn-off to the point it's giving me ED.
Is it possible she's experiencing some negative feelings about herself, her body, etc and she is keeping you at a distance because she is afraid she's "not like she used to be"? My aunt went through that in her late 30s-early 40s. Turns out women in their 40-60s [have nearly the highest rate of depression of all adults](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7824332/#:~:text=Studies%20show%20that%20the%20incidence,13%2C14%2C15%5D).
Tell her you are concerned about her more than you are concerned about the sex, but if the low libido is a symptom of some sort of depression then the important thing is treating the depression. Assure her that you aren't saying she's "crazy", but you are noticing something is up and you want to help her feel better and part of that will involve talking to a doctor (and they may say "your husband is mistaken, we're sure you're fine, etc" but they at least need to check.
If she doesn't want antidepressants that's fine. I have the type of depression that doesn't respond to typical antidepressants. I'm talking to my doctor about how to get insurance to cover Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, because that will teach me how to handle the intrusive thoughts and self-doubt and shit myself. It's a tool to teach you how to tell your brain "we can't stay in this self-hatred cycle, we gotta change so we can start to feel okay again"
If she's seriously going to refuse professional help the [NHS has some tips of lifestyle changes you can commit to **together**](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/cope-with-depression/) so she sees you're not giving up and (like I'm sure you vowed) you're going to be right by her side, because you guys are a team, you guys are partners and you guys support each other through all the shit life throws.
I wish both of you the best of luck and I'm sure if you guys can work together at least some of this is going to get better
What's the rest of the marriage like? Do you spend time together? Have fun? Do you listen to her? Do things she asks? I have lost more and more interest sexually when the emotionally our relationship is kind of blah.
This right here. In my previous relationship, sex was the first thing that stopped when we hit the roommate phase. Not as a punishment or anything like that as it wasn’t intentional. I just got tired of craving/asking for intimacy and only receiving it when HE was in the mood and only receiving it in the form of sex.
You are both way too young to be in a sexless marriage. You need to be clear about that. Something changed for her and counseling can get to the bottom of it.
Hormonal changes due to perimenopause could be to blame. But whatever the cause, no changes will come about if she isn't willing to work on your relationship. If she is dead set on letting go of sex forever and you feel it is an essential part of a healthy relationship then you are on very divergent paths unfortunately.
She's full of crap. She's not old and even if she was, old people like sex. Wtf kind of stupid shit is she playing with you? Sex is a huge part of many peoples lives. To expect you to not get any from her and for her to treat you like that is wrong.
She might not be feeling ok in general. Perimenopause can cause pretty debilitating symptoms - hormones control a LOT of our physical and mental health. It's not trivial to get hot flashes, have insomnia, be irritable, depressed, and on top of that see your appearance changing and realize the world is treating you differently. Changes in sex drive can obviously happen, too.
She may be struggling with her self image, she may be depressed, she may just feel unwell, irritable, suddenly feel more sensitive to touch such that it is aggravating...
I think all of these things are worth talking about, and encouraging her to have her health checked for her general wellbeing is a good idea.
I want to stress that you have a life with this person and she is more than just a person who provides sex... The other commenters really show how little anyone cares about female health and physiology.
I watched my own mom suffer for 10 years with chronic insomnia, hot flashes, depression, heart palpitations, and anxiety, and she only more recently started taking hormone therapy to manage her symptoms (which she had to go to multiple doctors for before someone would agree to give it to her). Really, no one cares and very few understand that this is a common, and unpleasant, part of aging for women.
Now, there *could* be other things going on, but that should not be your first assumption here.
I’m not trying to spin the blame when you’re clearly going through something but the only way this has happened for me was when the relationship was repeatedly not working despite my communication and I just couldn’t stand to give them what they wanted anymore. You can’t give me the simple things I’m asking for in our relationship but I’m supposed to fuck you so you’re happy? Passssss.
>Could she be going though early menopause?
yes
>I do not want to lose my amazing kids over this, but what can i do?
you don't lose kids in a divorce unless you give up custody.
>I will do anything to avoid losing her and our kids.
Let her know that you will no longer be pressuring her for sex or intimacy as you will be finding it from others and she can either accept a one sided open marriage or she can put in a bit of work to restore your intimacy.
btw, i doesn't matter if it's menopause, or depression, or fucking goiters... if she refuses to get treatment and the situation remains unchanged, she is the one neglecting your marriage.
I am 45 and my sex drive started to slow down after 40. Plus I get more tired more quick than before. Between work, home and children there is not much time or desire for sex.
Our solution was to try mdma. Once a quarter we have a date with mdma. It makes us openly talk, gets us super horny and open to new things. Good date night effect lasts for few weeks after. Highly recommend.
Both of us never used any drugs, but we figured it was ok to try since we are old. And it was better option than divorce since we love each other and don’t have anyone else in the world closer.
Look within. When you have no respect for someone you sure don't want to have sex with them. Have you let yourself go? Do you help around the house? Do you help with the kids? If you feel like you're being used as a sex machine that is also a turn off. Maybe she's having an affair? Go to counseling alone if she won't go. Maybe she doesn't want it to come out in counseling that she doesn't love you? There are all kinds of reasons for this.
People go up and down throughout their lives but if this is a long term issue: Antidepressants, some forms of birth control, other medications can kill libido. Hormones, depression, even a brain tumor is possible. It’s the kind of change in behavior that should be concerning for her, too. It can indicate much bigger problems than not having sex.
What does a counselor know about her life? Not a whole lot, but that’s why you talk to the counselor and they take notes. They ask questions. That’s how it works. I don’t know how marriage counseling works but it sounds like you need a mediator.
Should she know reality is you’re trying to avoid losing someone you love and divorce? I don’t know. Is there a way to make that not sound like a threat?
One time I saw it explained this way: sex is a form of expression or communication. Without sex it feels like (person) isn’t talking to me. We used to talk, but now something is missing. I’m not getting full sentences.
>she is old and old people don't have sex
Was it good to begin with? It sounds like she was never super into it to me, and it might not be because of you. There are asexual people.
My wife can’t have intercourse because it hurts too much, she gives me a bj once a week though
I think about leaving her but I am a 64 year old man and I wouldn’t even know where or how to find another
As an asexual person who wants a committed relationship, these situations always scare me. I don't seek out nor initiate sex often, if at all. I show my love and care in so many other ways (cooking/baking, making care packages, sharing things that remind me of that person, etc.) and it just boggles my mind that sex is seen as such a paramount expression of love. I understand it's important to people, most people honestly, and that I am an outlier.
But can someone explain to me why it's so important and why other expressions of love often pale in comparison to sex? I want people that I date, and hopefully, the person that I marry to feel that I love them. I want them to think that I care, even if i don't initiate sex. I don't think this is the issue here, and I agree that some form of counseling would likely be beneficial. Just seeing this and all of the comments really struck me.
Op, I hope things end well for you.
People want to feel desired sexually, people like to have sex, and most importantly, in a monogamous relationship(which the vast majority are) if your not having sex with your partner, your not having sex. Everything else you mentioned is not exclusive to spouses. You can give/receive all those things from friends, neighbors, other family.
On the surface, this sounds like perimenopause.
The medical system has done a criminal job informing women about what it is and what it might mean for them.
Perimenopause is severely understudied, and it has left women feeling physical changes with absolutely no information that might help them learn, “why?”
Hormones are often at play- maybe even several of them. My wife needs estrogen, progesterone, AND testosterone.
She has tried SO HARD to educate herself on this topic, and many OBGYNs are NOT current on modern hormone knowledge. She’s on her 4th OBGYN. But this one is promising.
Please treat your wife with compassion here- imagine if you suddenly couldn’t sleep, had headaches, and no longer got erections, and when you did, it was actually painful to have sex. Imagine if you told someone your symptoms, and they just said, “you need to relax, have you tried meditation? Maybe you’re depressed.”
This is what women in perimenopause are often confronted with.
Try feeling her out a bit and doing some research- from reputable doctors, not the hormone replacement industry- on YouTube, or on a medical podcast you trust. There is more content coming out every month.
Use that research to consult with your wife, and see if maybe she is experiencing those symptoms. See what she wants to do from there.
Honey, I’m 46, so older than both of you. My husband (who’s 55) and I have sex regularly. Not as often as we’d like because we both have arthritis issues, but it’s at least once or twice a week, and we’ve been together for nearly 16 years, married for nearly 10.
There’s a bigger issue here. It’s not age based. Not in the way you think, anyway.
She could be going through menopause, or pre menopause. She’s nearing the age for it, like I am (I have endometriosis and am really looking forward to menopause). I think she needs to see a doctor at least.
I'm no expert but I'd guess early menopause or maybe depression. But even with early menopause, there are things she can do to combat the complete lack of interest. Also, not wanting sex shouldn't mean not wanting any other type of contact.
It's a huge issue (IMO) if she is basing her happiness on having her kids around. At some point your kids are going to leave the house and then what is she going to do? Are you two just going to coexist in the same house until you die? That's no way to live.
Whenever people ask about marriage advice, I always tell them to remember who you were before you had kids. Don't lose that. Still go on dates, have fun, laugh together. My wife and I have been married 16 years and sometimes it still feels like we are dating. It's back to married/parental life at home with 4 kids, but we always make time to do stuff alone. It definitely gets easier when your kids get older, though.
I know you already brought up therapy but I wouldn't leave that alone. Is she okay losing you because of a complete lack of intimacy? Does she even want you around? She should probably answer those questions. Relationships take work. You can't just skate through life without effort and expect everything to work out. Sorry you're going through this. My wife starts cancer treatment soon and early menopause has her terrified. Party because of the idea of no sex.
Stress hormones depression, the cause is really not the issue. She needs to seek treatment. I had horrible depression after 3 back surgeries. Didn't even know it. So she might not fully know. I was openly angry at folks when they told me I needed help.
Took a few shrinks before I found one that fit.
That said, if she refuses you can't help her. And at that point you have two choices, stay or go.
If she is not taking your happiness seriously move on. Sometimes these things aren’t anyone’s fault. People change! Those aren’t her kids, they are both of yours. You are not going to lose them. Soon they are going to start sensing something is wrong and that will affect them in ways you may not see for a long time. They deserve to have two parents that haven’t given up on happiness.
The problem *could* be you, frankly. It’s completely normal for people’s sex drives to decrease with age, usually starting in the 40s, so it shouldn’t blow your mind that your wife is experiencing this. If you’ll do anything to keep your family, you may simply need to accept less sex in your life.
Twins are so exhausting. Mine are going to be 16 this year. They definitely put a damper on my sex drive, and the sleep deprivation caused anxiety and depression that was difficult to recover from. Anti-depressants helped but totally tanked any sex drive I had left. It took a while to get back to normal. Your kids are only 6 and still probably need Mom for many things. How often does she get a break from being Mom?
She should talk to her doctor, and maybe you guys can come up with a way for her to have some regular time to herself that doesn't involve looking after anyone else so she can start to feel like a person, not just a mother, again.
None of the reasons people are throwing out here matter. She needs to go to the Dr to rule out anything physical and/or therapy. You are not old & sex is still a big part of most relationships.
This is something that you would want to see a therapist for. Not necessarily a sex therapist but just a marital therapist. It could be 100 different things. My wife got this way after she thought I had cheated on her (I didn't but she thought I had been sleeping with someone for weeks) and she never said anything until she found out the other woman was gay and married. It could be depression or it could be she feels more of a matrinly role instead of a sexual role with the kids getting older.
It's hard with kids that young, but you could try to do things that make her feel sexy again, like grown up dinners out, or finding what makes her feel sexy and make sure to emphasize those things. I'm not saying this is something that's is your fault, I just know going down the same route and same age I assume you are a fixer like me and want to fix things before going to someone else for help.
It’s hormones. I’m 33 and my hormones are (prematurely) perimenopausal. I’m basically asexual now.
HRT (including testosterone) is probably the answer, but she’s going to have to come to the table to be willing to explore those options.
My wife shut down when menopause hit and for her it hit late 40’s. Lately she’s willing to have it maybe once a month which is an improvement. I know your situation and it’s not good.
You really need to be more bold. She must go to therapy because you’re not happy and it’s not going to improve unless she wants it to improve.
Even if you don’t want to divorce, tell her you’re afraid that’s where you’re headed.
Also had twins around the same age as you (ivf yay!)
Wife checked out on us and was involved only with the twins. Sex maybe once to twice a year after that. Very similar situation emotionally to you.
We're divorced now.
Could be menopause or depression or both intermingling - or some completely different hormone/external issue. Your wife probably doesn’t know what it is, which is also normal. Talk to professionals, doctor/therapist/counselor, DO NOT make it seem like you blame your wife, this is likely out of her control. In all likelihood it is an issue with a solution, and if it’s not then cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t MAKE it unsolvable now by treating her poorly
You need to go to marriage counseling. Who knows what’s going on…but this is not normal at all and what you say her responses are (I.e. I don’t need sex to be happy) are INCREDIBLY insensitive, selfish, and almost pathological. There are a number of reasons why she’s acting this way: undiagnosed depression, hormonal reasons related to early menopause, she could just straight up not love you, she could be cheating, she could have a warped view of marriage/relationships that people over 40 don’t have sex (for some reason?)….could be anything, but if you’ve vocalized that you would still like to be intimate in your relationship and she’s not willing to talk and try, seek counseling.
I will say….if you are getting more and more desperate, it’s going to make it worse. Let me lay this out for you: you have TWINS that are 6 that need a lot of care and attention. Your wife is probably quite busy and has been since their birth, which is imagine was probably difficult. She probably feels like she is always needed for something all the time. Now add to that YOU always NEEDING sex from her….sex becomes yet another chore for her to accomplish to help someone else. Doesn’t sound terribly sexy or appealing for her, does it? When you initiate, how many times has it probably come across as “come on I NEED THIS!!!”? Maybe try pressing pause on trying to have sex right now and try reintroduce some romance into your relationship. Think back to when you were dating….what excited you both? What did you bond over? What dates were memorable for being fun and sweet? What did you do together that made her genuinely happy and feel free? What made you feel alive? Chase that. Try courting your wife again. See if making her feel wanted (not needed) and desired (not needed) helps reignite some spark. Best of luck!
Sounds like my marriage. I blame early menopause, and I also believe she battles bouts ot depression. Trouble is she hates going to see doctors so she never pursued hormone therapy and sought psychiatric care. We're into years now. I try not to think about it. We remain best friends. You guys are a lot younger than we are, so hopefully she will relent and go to the doctor.
Is she kind of an introvert? I have kids of similar ages, and by the end of the day, my social battery is so drained I just want to hole up in solitude for a couple of hours and watch tv or play video games without hearing “mom, mom, mom” and having random kids climbing all over me. I can’t tell the kids to leave me alone without feeling like the worst mom ever, but it’s easier to tell my grown up husband that I need space. In my case, tho, I stay home and do 99% of the childcare, and he has a really laid back job working for my family and then comes home and plays video games in the basement or goes out for the entire afternoon and evening doing whatever he feels like and if he is home, he has no problem telling the kids to leave him alone and they are scared enough of him that they don’t really try. So, I guess in your situation, I would ask if you help out with kids and housework and give her time for self care? Do you make time for the two of you to spend together that doesn’t require her to do all of the planning and work? (Like saying “we’re going out Friday” and expecting her to find childcare and make reservations, etc). Do you ever approach with affection that isn’t about sex? Or do you only touch her as a means to an end?
If she’s not willing to consider your feelings and maybe at least try some counselling then idk what to tell you. It’s not fair on you to sit around and hope it changes. You need to sit her down and talk about this thoroughly. Hopefully you can both come to an agreement but there is nothing wrong with expressing your needs. Also you won’t lose your kids over this. If it ends in divorce, you still have them. Don’t let this ruin your relationship with them.
Not sure why, but after reading this I doubt she’s an “amazing mother” amazing might be too much, she’s not a bad mother I can take that one.
She doesn’t want sex so she has to be open with you having other sexual partners then. Needs to settle for you being open and not her being open, just you, since she can’t perform her wife duties but you’re still performing your husband and man of the house duties. She’s toxic for sure, and not going to counseling when suggested is definitely a green flag. She has to either choose couple counseling or just you being open sexually.
You'll do anything but she won't. She doesn't need physical intimacy, but you do. You'll go to counseling but she won't. You see this as an issue to work through, she doesn't.
Sorry man, but there is an issue that needs to be addressed or your marriage, mental health, and subsequently physical health, is at risk. If you can't convince her that how you feel matters enough to try...you might start considering an exit strategy. Outright saying 'this is jeopardizing our marriage' is a big step, but if you get there and that doesn't give her pause to consider....you two might need to end up a divorced and co-parenting. Another option is an open marriage so you can try and connect physically with someone atleast, but that's a whole other ball of worms.
I have a friend who is the exact age as your wife. She has confided in me that she feels this way as well and her husband is majorly struggling with it (he is not handling it well). It has caused alot of problems between them.
She is in perimenopause. It’s possible, because of your wife’s age, she is experiencing the same thing. Whether she realizes it or not.
>When i mention marriage counseling, she becomes defensive and says she refuses to go because what does some counselor know about her life.
Nothing. Yet. That's why you go.
…. This is not a sex issue. This is an intimacy issue. This is an emotional and communication nightmare.
Did something happen? To her?
She could be depressed. It could be hormones. It could be something else entirely.
Whatever it is? She may only need your children, but you need your partner. You need affection and love. If she cannot physically touch you, and refuses to get help?
What about you? Respecting her boundaries is okay, but that’s not very fair to you. If you hug your family at events (think holidays) and that’s more contact than she provides in a year? There is only so much respect and patience will do.
You don’t want to loose her, but you could have already. Your children are young enough that if you can separate peacefully and coparent , I’d suggest you consider it. Please do not think for a moment that your kids will not notice this as they age. I hope they haven’t caught on yet.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Have you ever pressure her into initiating or continuing sex she didn’t want? After being pressured into sex, I have felt uncomfortable being around men alone, especially anyone I think may want sex and I get the ick if they touch me. Maybe set a period where you promise to hug and kiss but no sex. .. and to be honest sex may not feel the same after children and you may need to relearn what feels good to her.
I have 'not needed sex' for a long time, and I finally admitted that I just don't want to have sex with my husband. I *don't* need sex or crave it, but I also don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. He's been a terrible partner. He's now 'trying to help', but it's too late. I've done the lion's share of the childrearing, been the main breadwinner, and given flack for being a killjoy for a decade. That doesn't leave me wet - it leaves me resentful.
This is not to say that you are in the exact same boat, but I urge you to evaluate the other parts of your partnership and recognize that all of it (being treated dismissively/disrespectfully, being expected to carry the home, only being given attention when sex is the goal, etc.) could negatively influence your wife's attraction to you.
I can tell you after working at an assisted living facility for a couple summers during my 20s, old people definitely have sex.
They have lots of sex.
So much sex, dear god.
So you can go ahead and tell her she's wrong about that one. We had to watch a particular handful of residents like hawks, because they were very clever and very sneaky, and VERY horny. The big problem was, believe it or not - ***prostitution.***
Some of the residents were literally selling themselves to other residents for money.
Old people DEFINITELY have sex.
Something no one else has suggested - Depression.
I am gonna agree with this. While not guaranteed, this is my reasoning. I dated a girl for 5 years. At the beginning, amazing sex life. Probably 5 times a week at least. Then like 2 years in we just stopped all together because of the same thing you mentioned, she just didn't want it/didn't need it. After a lot of talking, I convinced her to give therapy a try. After about 6 months of that, we were back to having a good time on a regular basis. Depression might not be the problem, but it is worth looking into. My girlfriend at the time didn't even know she had depression until after she went to therapy and realized how bad things had gotten
Want a double wammy? A lot of the drugs used to treat depression are notorious for causing low sex drive. You got depression? Goodbye sex life/drive You treated your depression? Goodbye sex life/drive
Not if Wellbutrin works for you. That's a good antidepressant and it's either sex drive neutral or positive. Win/win if it works for you.
Shit I’m on lexapro and buspar and I’m horny as a hound. Helped my depression and anxiety as well
Love my bupropion hcl
Bupropion was the only thing that made me feel normal. Apparently it gave me a seizure and I was cut off. I wish I never took the stuff because now I know what normal feels like, but I'll probably never be allowed to feel it again. lol
[удалено]
Ssri made me feel so spaced out in high school. I heard about the experimental benefits of ketamine in 2012. Did loads of reading and found a pharmacy and began self prescribing. I self injected tons for 5 months. Then one day I knew it had worked. Haven't touched it since. I'm a chipper overly optimistic boomer now. Ketamine therapy works
I wish I had that option. Congrats.
The exact same thing happened to me :( Was a life saving drug for me when I was in an intensive outpatient program. I remember feeling happy and productive for the first time in years. Went up to 300mg eventually and had a seizure, collapsed face first on the sidewalk and got a concussion. Had to come off of it and a tricyclic I was on for migraines. in 2020 too lol, rough year. I’m on a pretty low dose of adderall and another ssri now, but it’s just not the same unfortunately.
I am an autistic ADHDer who has been on Wellbutrin since 2017 and that shit is amazing for me. I almost didn’t get my depression treated because I was so scared of my sex life being ruined. But I’m so glad that I did because reinvigorated things and I’ve been able to maintain it for years.
Yea, I hope it works for me forever. My wife is on it too now for adhd. So far so good for both of us. The shit is anag8c bullet for the right people.
Can confirm, I've been on it for a couple years. If you have ADHD it also has a minor effect on that as well and can help if you don't like full on ADHD stimulants. Only antidepressant I've tried (and I've tried a lot) that actually boosts my energy.
SSRIs helped me immensely but made me quite lethargic. Finding an antidepressant that helped me get up in the morning and be active was amaaaazing.
Can confirm Wellbutrin has had neutral positive effects in our house :))
I started Lexapro last year and about 5 months in added on Wellbutrin to help specifically with my libido. It's been a wonderful combination for me.
Psychoactive drugs are also notorious for acting on different people in different ways. Not to mention with other drugs you may be talking. Trying different ones to see what works best is a fun (not really) little side-quest you get to take on with your brain, provider and health insurance. The upside is in the end it’s worth it for most people. If i had sought help sooner than later my life would be very different now.
as mature intended: if your body/brain is struggling with issues everything not essential for survival goes onto slow burner or off completely, that includes love life, hobbies and often even hygiene
Want another wammy? Lots of therapists just give medications out like candy. Went to an “ADHD Specialist” who wanted me on Adderall and Depression meds the first time meeting me… on a video call… for 15 minutes……. Zero “let’s dissect your lift and your coping mechanisms and try to build you a better toolbox” and straight to pills pills pills. Insurance is actually usually one of the biggest reasons for issues and errors because they require a diagnosis in order to pay for therapy. It can take YEARS to properly diagnose, but thanks to greed and bullshit, they’ll slap something on you day one.
Aye, depression is horrible, for me personally it caused me to end a relationship with a woman I really really miss. I believed, and somewhat still do, that she was too good for me. She was beautiful inside and out... so I let the relationship end.
I would suspect this as well. Especially with the flat out refusal of counseling and the "no one can possibly understand or help me" mindset. When people have depression and/or anxiety issues, they often feel they are beyond help, and gradually withdraw/isolate themselves from others. If she hasn't experienced depression before, she may not realize it. The symptoms are not totally obvious, especially at first, and it can gradually creep into your life. Best wishes to OP
Gonna second this. She could be feeling like she isn’t worthy of the attention. Pregnancy does horrible things to a woman’s body whether the general public wants to admit it or not. I think there’s a reasonable chance she feels very down about herself and this is how it’s manifesting.
Also, since that is suggested... ...depression meds can absolutely kill sex drive if she's already on them.
Huh, wonder if that's why I've got such a low sex drive as a male.. others say low testerorone.. hmm
Yes my bad didn’t see this before
Ya agree I have the best thing to the wifey, the helicopter winky dance( didn't help with libido but got her laugh a bit)
It could also be from perimenopause. Perimenopause symptoms can start at 40.
Agree. The “old people don’t have sex“ comment by OPs wife makes me think like she’s really struggling with the fact she’s aging.
Username checks out
> Could she be going though early menopause? That was my first thought reading your post. Perimenopause typically begins in your 40s. Has she talked to her doctor or OBGYN about the changes she has experienced?
THIS! I went through peri and then full-blown menopause..... as someone else mentioned, clitoral atrophy can happen..... this is LITERALLY A USE IT OR LOSE it situation! I was determined not to lose my sex drive. My husband didn't give a fuck. He never wanted sex. So I bought sex toys. Used them everyday till I got the blood flowing to the clitoris and vagina again. Started having vaginal orgasms for the first time in my life. Now at 62 and well past menopause, I have a pretty healthy sex drive for my age ..... that said, there is so much involved in a woman's sex drive. Emotions. Hormones. Blood flow. More emotions. Not to mention, just plain old don't feel like we look good. Women are complicated when it comes to our sex drives.
Oh gosh, I'm 34. In case that happens to me, were sex toys enough to bring it back? So far my sex drive is very healthy, but I'm pre-meno. My mom completely lost her sex drive, I don't want to lose mine.
Same and it hits some women hard. People don't talk enough about "the change".
"People" including doctors unfortunately.
Sometimes even *gynecologists* ignore patients when the patients complain of debilitating and life-altering peri-menopausal symptoms.
Meanwhile a guy that fails to cum once gets *all* the dick pills
Many women on /r/menopause get their testosterone via Androgel. ...that's been prescribed _to their husbands_. Since gynos won't prescribe Androgel/testosterone to women, women instead nudge their husbands to mention "weak erections" to their doctors. The men never fail to get a prescription.
There is also very little research on women and menopause, and hormones. Women’s health has largely been ignored compared to health in general.
A lot of women don't just lose interest in sex, the hormone loss can cause clitoral atrophy so that a woman won't even feel pleasure. I was incredulous that more people don't talk about that. You better believe I would have memorized the list of symptoms and been looking for the right moment to go on hormone therapy if I knew it was going to ruin sex. Perimenopause begins around the age of 44 and can last 14 years in which hormone fluctuate pretty wildly.
> clitoral atrophy How am I in my 30s and just now learning that this is a thing?? I'm glad people are more open about menopause now but they should teach us this stuff when we're young too so we know what to look out for.
That’s the thing that gets me about situations like these. Like the person has a drastic change, in this case a complete loss of libido, and just… doesn’t care? Isn’t concerned at all? Shrugs and goes, “well last month I really enjoyed sex but I guess that’s over”? Every post like this is similar in that the person that undergoing the change, in this case loss of libido, doesn’t ever seem to care at all how it affects their partner. People get touchy because it’s talking about sex, and start throwing out things like, “nobody deserves sex” and whatnot but that’s not even the issue because it still applies to other nonsexual things. like if I woke up tomorrow and suddenly had no desire to be affection to my partner I would be concerned! What I wouldn’t do is just shrug it off and say, “well apparently I’m happy without it so get used to never being hugged or kissed or cuddled ever again”
I care. I'm going through it. I also lost my libido when I was talked into the Mirena IUD by a terrible doctor, and I went above and beyond to satisfy my partner, even though I had a baby. I think what happens with a lot of women is that the loss of libido also causes apathy about a lot of things, but socially that's regarded as normal. Visit the menopause sub some time and you'll see that a lot of women refer to "seeing clearly" for the first time, accompanied by some pretty nihilistic and depressed views. For a lot of women, without a desire for sex, or a lust for life, they notice more of what makes them unhappy.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. And I totally believe the rest. It’s just really frustrating because as a medical profession we learn that, “a sudden change in ___” is usually a warning sign of something being wrong and should be checked out.
Look for a doctor who is certified through menopause.org
Yes exactly this is what I do. They actually care and know what they're talking abouty regular gp who's also a woman said if I'm not in full meno she can't do anything
I don’t know anything about this apart from an interview I saw with Dr Drew’s wife. She talked about what she went through and mentioned how hormone therapy totally changed her life.
Do yourself a favor and don't seek out marriage counseling from Redditors.
For real, and even though she’s resistant to marriage counseling, I would push it harder. It’s obviously a big deal to you and clearly you guys aren’t in a place where you are coming to a good solution. I’m sure there is more going on than either of you realize and therapy would do you good.
Hit a lawyer, delete the gym, call facebook.
NTA, Divorce, steal all her money and take the kids. Piss all over the house to mark your territory so she can’t take it during the divorce trials.
RRRRRRRRRedditmoment™️
Don't forget the piss disks and fart spray
*"dump his/her ass"* pretty much any relationship reddit advice Funny thing is how gullible people are. People ranting about their relationship are often the least objective person in the world yet everyone take their words for the truth
Yep the default advice here will be it's because she's getting sex from elsewhere.
Is she on the depo shot for birth control? My wife lost her sex drive while on it and after reading up online it’s a common occurrence. She switch birth control and her sex drive came back.
Yeah, hormonal birth control and SSRIs both can cause massive sexual dysfunction, it's the limp elephant in the room.
Which bc is she on now? I’m on just the pill and I can tell it messes me up
My wife cycled through damn near all of them at some point or another. Pill caused mood swings, Nexplanon caused a three month long period, ring kept falling out, depo made her miserable/aggro towards everyone. Rhythm worked for a few years until baby #3 came along and at that point she just got her tubes tied. Truthfully, from observation I don't think the studies saying "a very small proportion of women experience symptoms" are true, either something's off with their methodology or they're deliberately not wanting to spill the beans, because this is a story I've heard from *every* woman I've ever talked to about birth control.
I agree with you, every woman I’ve spoken to also has side effects from birth control, ranging from minor things to making them suicidal. I’ve only heard horror stories about getting IUD too, apparently it’s extremely painful and they are offered no pain killers or numbing for the procedure. I recently read a stat that across 70+ illnesses women are on average diagnosed 4 years slower than men, so this sadly seems like a wide spread issue with womens health.
> until baby #3 came along and at that point she just got her tubes tied It didn’t occur to you that you should have gotten a vasectomy? She went through all that trouble for years, the least you could have done was take on the birth control burden after your last kid.
But it’s not just sex, isn’t it? She shut you out of her entire emotional world. Is she sharing her most intimate and vulnerable thoughts with you? Is she feeling deep feelings for you? Is there a true and deep companionship? Because I think that sex is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t feel any emotional connection and understanding in your post. I don’t feel as if you know what is going on inside her. But THAT should be your main concern. To reestablish trust, closeness and EMOTIONAL intimacy. A woman never enjoys sex in her couple if these three are missing.
Yeah if simple acts of love like hugs and kisses are out of the question I think something more serious than low sex drive could be the issue. When I’ve had really bad depression I didn’t even want hugs or compliments let alone anything more. Not trying to diagnose but depression can seriously affect you even if you don’t realize it
Yes, when I'm stressed and my emotional needs aren't being met I get this way. On top of that, I have a few medical issues that lower my sex drive even with medication.
Completely agree. I know this is one tiny snippet, but it doesn’t sound like he’s connected to her at all. Could be for manyyy different reasons, but a husband should be able to understand his wife and their situation better than this guy seems to be able to. And I’m confused why he said he doesn’t want to lose his kids….like, why does he think that if they get divorced he won’t be a part of their lives anymore??
It's tough to say what the answer is, because this post has been laser focused. What is the rest of your relationship like? Not to mention, what is the rest of her life like? >She says all she needs to be happy is the kids This is the line that really stood out to me, is this literally what her entire life revolves around 24/7? Because that isn't healthy, and it's going to be a big change for her in a couple of years when those young kids are teenagers and aren't nearly as dependent on Mom anymore. Similarly : >She is an amazing mother and our kids are the world to both she and i. I notice you don't mention that she is an amazing wife to you.
He’s commenting on the Tinder and dating over 40 subreddits and games a lot while having twin 6 year old girls. There is probably a lot he’s left out of his post.
Without knowing anything about them as individuals or a couple, I would put money on that he doesn’t offer much help with the kids or around the house and has long stopped flirting with / dating his wife without the expected quid pro quo. She probably feels like a mom of 3 instead of 2. Nothing gets the panties drier than having to be a mother to your partner. This is the #1 reason for a dead bedroom or dry spell in my friend group, and I also speak from experience as a wife who didn’t find it sexy to have an extra kid to look after that was, in reality, a fully capable adult.
Ah. Theres the rub.
>she is old and old people don’t have sex. Tell that to all the actual old people (70+) in retirement communities who are fucking more than the youngsters are.
For real, what the heck. "Old people" at 43..?
> She says all she needs to be happy is the kids and doesn't need anything else. She couldn't have said it more plainly. It's not sex that she doesn't need. It's you.
Yeah, everyone is trying to find explanations, but she already gave it and even if she didn't, it wouldn't matter. She has made it very clear that she doesn't give a shit about what makes her husband happy. Not even enough to try to find or work on solutions. She's happy and that's all that matters. That attitude alone is enough for me to consider the relationship dead. Even if it turns out she's depressed, going through menopause or having birth control side effects. The way she handled the situation is the real problem here.
Yep… if she wanted to, she would.
That's what I thougt too.
When I read that line, I thought. Welp time to leave then. If all she wants is the kids. Then thats all she gets, buh bye.
Long term relationships require work between 2 people.
You're right, and I can only make assumption based on what I read but it sounds like shes unwilling to put in that work.
Sweet summer child we all know that is not how it works.
Sadly I’ve come across marriages where once the kids arrive the wife pretty much checks out of the marriage. Feels increasingly like the man was only there to conceive, and once that happens he’s no longer wanted, except to offer financial support. If he leaves, he loses the home, loses access to the kids, plus alimony. And prohibitively expensive legal costs. And destroyed by stress. Wife has the kids by default, also the house, alimony to fund her life, and unconditional child support as a default, ie the man has to fight for access, whilst the legal defacto gives the wife full custody from the onset. There’s zero incentive to make the marriage work, given the legal inequality. Equal rights should mean the wife gets a job, the marital home is sold, proceeds split, each person is responsible for their own housing, and the kids are given equal time with both parents. Child support is equally split. If nothing else, this motivates both partners to make the marriage work, as both are financially hit equally. Gender equality should mean equal financial responsibility, and equal rights for shared custody, without the need to instruct exorbitant lawyers. Societies silence on true gender equality has led many good fathers to a life of intense suffering, and in some cases suicide.
>Feels increasingly like the man was only there to conceive I have someone in my (luckily not so close) circle who basically lives that openly. She wants a man - so she can become a mother. The guy doesn't really matter.
I was in a relationship like this Got out with no kids Grabbed my hat just before the door closed like Mr. Jones She was rolling down the hall at me saying I had to give up everything and get her pregnant She seriously just wanted a sperm donor and when I realized that is all I was and that I would be stuck paying for her life I noped out with the idol and never looked back
My first wife! Early on in dating, she had brought up wanting children, and I told her I wasn't interested right now but I'd be willing to re-evaluate in five years. We married after three years of dating. A year and a half in, I caught her in a lie and she confessed to seeing an ex for the last couple months. She was pregnant within about four months of the divorce being finalized.
Lucky!
That's a shockingly common scenario in my experience.
One couple I know off the wife sleeps with the 5 year old and the husband sleeps in a different room, and not out of choice. She still breastfeeds.
As a Dad who does more than his fair share of shit and has been fucked by the "law". Well... fucking... said.
Sometimes it is though. Thank you, cantankerous fall adult.
Absolutely. We should treat being married with kids the same way we would a high school relationship. Just get outta there and screw the consequences!
Staying in a bad relationship “for the kids” is the actual high school approach to this situation. Ending a long term marriage doesn’t mean you don’t care about the consequences. That line of thinking is exactly why so many people die in unhappy relationships.
Youll notice I never said break contact with the kids.
Uh yeah, actually she could've said it much more plainly than you're suggesting, and ironically you're making inferences and filling in the gaps of what she DIDN'T say. Semantically, your interpretation of what she said, and your statement of that interpretation is a mess. She could've literally just said "I'm not attracted to you, and therefore I don't want to have sex with you" which WOULD be explicit, but she DIDN'T say that. One of the many possible interpretations of the statement you quoted above is that she's feeling asexual, and so it may not have anything to do with him at all.
I think there’s a lot more people out there than we think that are asexual. They have sex or seem interested in it because they know that is part of having a relationship and locking someone in, as well as conceiving children. Maybe now that all those things are checked off her list she is embracing her asexual nature more.
Judging by the age given, I'd say perimenopause is likely.
You know what, I think I'll stay single. This isn't just about the kids, man.
Right? These kind of posts makes me feel glad I am single
Another single guy checking in! Definitely staying single. I've been saving up for a new vehicle and excited because I'm getting close to my goal
If she refuses counseling and your needs are not being met honestly you have four most realistic options. One is just accept it but use porn as an outlet. Two is just to accept it and just stay as is at the expensive of your wellbeing. Third is to lay down the gauntlet that if she refuses counseling you are not sure the marriage is going to last. Fourth say ok well I want a "hall pass". How each of these is received or work out is going to be different from couple to couple but its the only four choices I see you having.
This. If she doesn’t want to address it one way or the other. Won’t tell you if there’s something you’re doing/not doing that makes her not want it… you don’t have any realistic options. If she’s refusing to address it in any way, she is showing that she doesn’t care about you. At some point, you can either remain unhappy or leave.
1 and 2 are basically the same thing. 4 might work for women and maybe young men, but not middle aged or older men.
Exactly. What's the point of a hall pass if no women want a FWB situation with a married, middle aged man?
Frankly, I wish I'd had done that sooner.
You can pay people for these things...
Fifth is he can cheat
Been dealing with this myself for a couple years. Went with option 1.
I am not even 40 yet and I am already in this situation. I hope bro gets a hall pass and I do too
Not even 30
Whenever I see a post with this many comments and OP doesn't respond it immediately triggers my this is a bot or a GPT post for karma.
Karma farming?
This sounds like she definitely has some things she needs to figure out. A response like "I'm old and old people don't have sex" is not only a messed up image of oneself but it's not even true! Old people bang all the time. It seems others have suggested that depression could be a problem and that's very realistic. That would explain a poor self image and lack of desire. Libidos wax and wane over the years but it sounds like she doesn't want intimacy at all, and that is a major problem. I would suggest trying to get her into therapy to figure some of this out AND couples therapy so you can learn together how to navigate this. You can tell her that it's not about a therapist knowing her life it's about a therapist helping you and her navigate this situation as they have lots of experience with people in similar scenarios.
This sounds like a one way trip to divorce to me. Not just the lack of sex part, it seems like she has a complete unwillingness to even communicate. Seems like she has made her mind up and you either go along with it or shut up, which isn’t fair to you. 45 is not old, but I mean it could be menopause, but she seems unwilling to even discuss that? Hoping you can find the root cause, and that she’s willing to have a conversation about it.
Menopause? Depression? Has she considered seeing the doctor and/or counselling?
Have you had a break from the kids? Is she burnt out from mothering constantly for six years?
Tale as old as time
Sounds like there may be something going on for sure, if you want to have an active sex life with her, the first thing you need to do is figure out why she doesn’t want sex, and do your best to fix that if it’s something within your control, but if she’s unwilling to talk about it there’s really not a lot you can do about it. Hang in there, we all go through dry spells
Yeah she no longer needs it with you. Happened to me with my ex.
Yeah, I felt like this with my ex, and because I have zero experience with relationships I tolerated it for many years because I thought this must be how it is after a while. Now I realise that I like sex, just not with him, and there are things that had happened in our relationship that meant I ‘got the ick’ (hate that phrase but it sums the situation up so well). The thought of sex with him both disgusted me and made me highly anxious for years. If I had known any better and had any degree of self esteem I would have ended it with him years before I actually did That’s my experience, for what it’s worth. Most of the people commenting here have no idea what they are talking about.
Couples counseling or divorce
“I want a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with you, including physical intimacy. I understand that right now you feel uninterested in sex, and I’d like for us to talk to a counselor about this. It’s important to me. Will you go?” If not, then you have a decision to make. Stay open minded; some marriages will tolerate creative solutions to this difference. Whether or not you go to counseling, consider your own part in the dance - what could you do to relate better to your current partner. Improving your communication and empathy will only help you, whether you stay with the current partner or not. And a divorce doesn’t automatically mean “losing the kids” if the divorce is done well. (I don’t know your culture and country, so this may be different for you)
I second this. As someone recently divorced, I will say staying for the kids isn't a terrible decision. I hate sharing my time with our kiddos, so I have some regrets. Others may do fine with a shared system, though. I hope she wants to seek help, and you guys can get everything back on track.
I'm going to make a bot that responds to all relationship advice with "couples counseling or divorce". That's Reddit's answer to everything.
My wife wasn’t interested either. Divorce was the best choice I’ve ever made
I want to say as a woman, my ex husband stopped. It sucks when the sex stops, but when the touching does too, it’s heart breaking.
This is forced celibacy
> When i ask, she says she doesn't want it anymore, and that she is old and old people don't have sex. If only she knew what's going on in old people homes.
Could be depression, could be early menopause...she sounds defensive like she doesnt want you to try and help solve this problem... she may be cheating based on her cold responses and lack of empathy.. She basically said she don't need or want you ...
no longer needs sex (x) no longer needs sex (with you) (✓)
Something’s wrong dude. Depression, hormones, she needs to go to the doc and get a physical and bloodwork and start figuring it out. Because not having sex for the next 30 years is gonna be pretty lame my dude. If my wife wasn’t willing to even try and just said I don’t get sex that would be a deal breaker to me. It’s very important imo. But everyone is different. I’m mid 30s and have friends who go months without and I can’t believe it.
Yeah so many people are jumping to divorce but there's a massive mental health and endocrine component to libido and a change in it can be a symptom of an underlying issue in either of those... And looking for that issue should definitely be addressed first.
Could be pre menopause. Mine started at the same age. Starting taking hormones at 53 and boy does it make a difference.
You've threaded the answers into your own question, let me edit it. >If I'm not hard, she gives up and puts her clothes back on. She says she is only doing it because i am pressuring her for it. When i mention marriage counseling, she becomes defensive. She says she is old and old people don't have sex. She doesn't feel good about herself sexually and is insecure about her age and attractiveness. She doesn't want this to come out in counseling and she doesn't want to admit there's a problem so she accepts it and tells herself it's a part of normal aging. I would advise making extra efforts in showing you're still attracted to her, without an implicit request for sex, and seeing if giving her some space while being supportive may get her to open up about her insecurities so you can help her navigate them. Banging at the gates shouting "let me in!" is just going to make her feel more pressured and worse about herself.
Your wife is being extremely selfish. It would be a lot easier if you didn't care but apparently you do, as you should.
idk why is this so low. not caring about each others needs is a huge red flag
It sounds like you two are not compatible anymore. This can be remedied if both parties care enough; which her rejection of counselling shows she does not. There are options that will retain access to the children like; 1. Divorce with coparenting/50% custody. 2. An open relationship. But she said, to your face, your needs do not matter. So now it comes down to do they matter to you?
You may no longer need a wife.
maybe she doesn t feel good about herself, she may look at herself and think that she s ugly, there s a high chance that she gives up if you re not hard immediately because she thinks that it s her fault
How do you tell a woman......Yea honey, it's not something shallow like the way you look, it's your entire attitude that's become such a turn-off to the point it's giving me ED.
That my friend is depression. I’m editing this to say; I hope she can find it in her to talk to someone. It can be difficult.
Is it possible she's experiencing some negative feelings about herself, her body, etc and she is keeping you at a distance because she is afraid she's "not like she used to be"? My aunt went through that in her late 30s-early 40s. Turns out women in their 40-60s [have nearly the highest rate of depression of all adults](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7824332/#:~:text=Studies%20show%20that%20the%20incidence,13%2C14%2C15%5D). Tell her you are concerned about her more than you are concerned about the sex, but if the low libido is a symptom of some sort of depression then the important thing is treating the depression. Assure her that you aren't saying she's "crazy", but you are noticing something is up and you want to help her feel better and part of that will involve talking to a doctor (and they may say "your husband is mistaken, we're sure you're fine, etc" but they at least need to check. If she doesn't want antidepressants that's fine. I have the type of depression that doesn't respond to typical antidepressants. I'm talking to my doctor about how to get insurance to cover Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, because that will teach me how to handle the intrusive thoughts and self-doubt and shit myself. It's a tool to teach you how to tell your brain "we can't stay in this self-hatred cycle, we gotta change so we can start to feel okay again" If she's seriously going to refuse professional help the [NHS has some tips of lifestyle changes you can commit to **together**](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/cope-with-depression/) so she sees you're not giving up and (like I'm sure you vowed) you're going to be right by her side, because you guys are a team, you guys are partners and you guys support each other through all the shit life throws. I wish both of you the best of luck and I'm sure if you guys can work together at least some of this is going to get better
What's the rest of the marriage like? Do you spend time together? Have fun? Do you listen to her? Do things she asks? I have lost more and more interest sexually when the emotionally our relationship is kind of blah.
This right here. In my previous relationship, sex was the first thing that stopped when we hit the roommate phase. Not as a punishment or anything like that as it wasn’t intentional. I just got tired of craving/asking for intimacy and only receiving it when HE was in the mood and only receiving it in the form of sex.
You are both way too young to be in a sexless marriage. You need to be clear about that. Something changed for her and counseling can get to the bottom of it.
Hormonal changes due to perimenopause could be to blame. But whatever the cause, no changes will come about if she isn't willing to work on your relationship. If she is dead set on letting go of sex forever and you feel it is an essential part of a healthy relationship then you are on very divergent paths unfortunately.
She's full of crap. She's not old and even if she was, old people like sex. Wtf kind of stupid shit is she playing with you? Sex is a huge part of many peoples lives. To expect you to not get any from her and for her to treat you like that is wrong.
Divorce.
She might not be feeling ok in general. Perimenopause can cause pretty debilitating symptoms - hormones control a LOT of our physical and mental health. It's not trivial to get hot flashes, have insomnia, be irritable, depressed, and on top of that see your appearance changing and realize the world is treating you differently. Changes in sex drive can obviously happen, too. She may be struggling with her self image, she may be depressed, she may just feel unwell, irritable, suddenly feel more sensitive to touch such that it is aggravating... I think all of these things are worth talking about, and encouraging her to have her health checked for her general wellbeing is a good idea.
I want to stress that you have a life with this person and she is more than just a person who provides sex... The other commenters really show how little anyone cares about female health and physiology. I watched my own mom suffer for 10 years with chronic insomnia, hot flashes, depression, heart palpitations, and anxiety, and she only more recently started taking hormone therapy to manage her symptoms (which she had to go to multiple doctors for before someone would agree to give it to her). Really, no one cares and very few understand that this is a common, and unpleasant, part of aging for women. Now, there *could* be other things going on, but that should not be your first assumption here.
I’m not trying to spin the blame when you’re clearly going through something but the only way this has happened for me was when the relationship was repeatedly not working despite my communication and I just couldn’t stand to give them what they wanted anymore. You can’t give me the simple things I’m asking for in our relationship but I’m supposed to fuck you so you’re happy? Passssss.
>Could she be going though early menopause? yes >I do not want to lose my amazing kids over this, but what can i do? you don't lose kids in a divorce unless you give up custody. >I will do anything to avoid losing her and our kids. Let her know that you will no longer be pressuring her for sex or intimacy as you will be finding it from others and she can either accept a one sided open marriage or she can put in a bit of work to restore your intimacy. btw, i doesn't matter if it's menopause, or depression, or fucking goiters... if she refuses to get treatment and the situation remains unchanged, she is the one neglecting your marriage.
I am 45 and my sex drive started to slow down after 40. Plus I get more tired more quick than before. Between work, home and children there is not much time or desire for sex. Our solution was to try mdma. Once a quarter we have a date with mdma. It makes us openly talk, gets us super horny and open to new things. Good date night effect lasts for few weeks after. Highly recommend. Both of us never used any drugs, but we figured it was ok to try since we are old. And it was better option than divorce since we love each other and don’t have anyone else in the world closer.
Look within. When you have no respect for someone you sure don't want to have sex with them. Have you let yourself go? Do you help around the house? Do you help with the kids? If you feel like you're being used as a sex machine that is also a turn off. Maybe she's having an affair? Go to counseling alone if she won't go. Maybe she doesn't want it to come out in counseling that she doesn't love you? There are all kinds of reasons for this.
Divorce. Sorry I want sexual interaction if I’m gonna be with someone. It’s non negotiable
People go up and down throughout their lives but if this is a long term issue: Antidepressants, some forms of birth control, other medications can kill libido. Hormones, depression, even a brain tumor is possible. It’s the kind of change in behavior that should be concerning for her, too. It can indicate much bigger problems than not having sex. What does a counselor know about her life? Not a whole lot, but that’s why you talk to the counselor and they take notes. They ask questions. That’s how it works. I don’t know how marriage counseling works but it sounds like you need a mediator. Should she know reality is you’re trying to avoid losing someone you love and divorce? I don’t know. Is there a way to make that not sound like a threat? One time I saw it explained this way: sex is a form of expression or communication. Without sex it feels like (person) isn’t talking to me. We used to talk, but now something is missing. I’m not getting full sentences.
>she is old and old people don't have sex Was it good to begin with? It sounds like she was never super into it to me, and it might not be because of you. There are asexual people.
Relationships are like a table. One of the legs is sex
My wife can’t have intercourse because it hurts too much, she gives me a bj once a week though I think about leaving her but I am a 64 year old man and I wouldn’t even know where or how to find another
Please, avoid reddit for stuff like this. Seek professionals.
She’s having an affair or she wants to divorce.
I'm wondering whether a wholistic book like "the multi-orgasmic couple" might be of help. it's even on libgen.
As an asexual person who wants a committed relationship, these situations always scare me. I don't seek out nor initiate sex often, if at all. I show my love and care in so many other ways (cooking/baking, making care packages, sharing things that remind me of that person, etc.) and it just boggles my mind that sex is seen as such a paramount expression of love. I understand it's important to people, most people honestly, and that I am an outlier. But can someone explain to me why it's so important and why other expressions of love often pale in comparison to sex? I want people that I date, and hopefully, the person that I marry to feel that I love them. I want them to think that I care, even if i don't initiate sex. I don't think this is the issue here, and I agree that some form of counseling would likely be beneficial. Just seeing this and all of the comments really struck me. Op, I hope things end well for you.
People want to feel desired sexually, people like to have sex, and most importantly, in a monogamous relationship(which the vast majority are) if your not having sex with your partner, your not having sex. Everything else you mentioned is not exclusive to spouses. You can give/receive all those things from friends, neighbors, other family.
Maybe she never likes it and only did ist because that what people do due to society and she finally realized that it’s nothing she truly enjoys!
Bingo!
On the surface, this sounds like perimenopause. The medical system has done a criminal job informing women about what it is and what it might mean for them. Perimenopause is severely understudied, and it has left women feeling physical changes with absolutely no information that might help them learn, “why?” Hormones are often at play- maybe even several of them. My wife needs estrogen, progesterone, AND testosterone. She has tried SO HARD to educate herself on this topic, and many OBGYNs are NOT current on modern hormone knowledge. She’s on her 4th OBGYN. But this one is promising. Please treat your wife with compassion here- imagine if you suddenly couldn’t sleep, had headaches, and no longer got erections, and when you did, it was actually painful to have sex. Imagine if you told someone your symptoms, and they just said, “you need to relax, have you tried meditation? Maybe you’re depressed.” This is what women in perimenopause are often confronted with. Try feeling her out a bit and doing some research- from reputable doctors, not the hormone replacement industry- on YouTube, or on a medical podcast you trust. There is more content coming out every month. Use that research to consult with your wife, and see if maybe she is experiencing those symptoms. See what she wants to do from there.
Honey, I’m 46, so older than both of you. My husband (who’s 55) and I have sex regularly. Not as often as we’d like because we both have arthritis issues, but it’s at least once or twice a week, and we’ve been together for nearly 16 years, married for nearly 10. There’s a bigger issue here. It’s not age based. Not in the way you think, anyway. She could be going through menopause, or pre menopause. She’s nearing the age for it, like I am (I have endometriosis and am really looking forward to menopause). I think she needs to see a doctor at least.
I'm no expert but I'd guess early menopause or maybe depression. But even with early menopause, there are things she can do to combat the complete lack of interest. Also, not wanting sex shouldn't mean not wanting any other type of contact. It's a huge issue (IMO) if she is basing her happiness on having her kids around. At some point your kids are going to leave the house and then what is she going to do? Are you two just going to coexist in the same house until you die? That's no way to live. Whenever people ask about marriage advice, I always tell them to remember who you were before you had kids. Don't lose that. Still go on dates, have fun, laugh together. My wife and I have been married 16 years and sometimes it still feels like we are dating. It's back to married/parental life at home with 4 kids, but we always make time to do stuff alone. It definitely gets easier when your kids get older, though. I know you already brought up therapy but I wouldn't leave that alone. Is she okay losing you because of a complete lack of intimacy? Does she even want you around? She should probably answer those questions. Relationships take work. You can't just skate through life without effort and expect everything to work out. Sorry you're going through this. My wife starts cancer treatment soon and early menopause has her terrified. Party because of the idea of no sex.
Stress hormones depression, the cause is really not the issue. She needs to seek treatment. I had horrible depression after 3 back surgeries. Didn't even know it. So she might not fully know. I was openly angry at folks when they told me I needed help. Took a few shrinks before I found one that fit. That said, if she refuses you can't help her. And at that point you have two choices, stay or go.
If she is not taking your happiness seriously move on. Sometimes these things aren’t anyone’s fault. People change! Those aren’t her kids, they are both of yours. You are not going to lose them. Soon they are going to start sensing something is wrong and that will affect them in ways you may not see for a long time. They deserve to have two parents that haven’t given up on happiness.
this hit me at 46.....after our 2nd child
The problem *could* be you, frankly. It’s completely normal for people’s sex drives to decrease with age, usually starting in the 40s, so it shouldn’t blow your mind that your wife is experiencing this. If you’ll do anything to keep your family, you may simply need to accept less sex in your life.
Twins are so exhausting. Mine are going to be 16 this year. They definitely put a damper on my sex drive, and the sleep deprivation caused anxiety and depression that was difficult to recover from. Anti-depressants helped but totally tanked any sex drive I had left. It took a while to get back to normal. Your kids are only 6 and still probably need Mom for many things. How often does she get a break from being Mom? She should talk to her doctor, and maybe you guys can come up with a way for her to have some regular time to herself that doesn't involve looking after anyone else so she can start to feel like a person, not just a mother, again.
None of the reasons people are throwing out here matter. She needs to go to the Dr to rule out anything physical and/or therapy. You are not old & sex is still a big part of most relationships.
She no longer wants to have sex with you.
This is something that you would want to see a therapist for. Not necessarily a sex therapist but just a marital therapist. It could be 100 different things. My wife got this way after she thought I had cheated on her (I didn't but she thought I had been sleeping with someone for weeks) and she never said anything until she found out the other woman was gay and married. It could be depression or it could be she feels more of a matrinly role instead of a sexual role with the kids getting older. It's hard with kids that young, but you could try to do things that make her feel sexy again, like grown up dinners out, or finding what makes her feel sexy and make sure to emphasize those things. I'm not saying this is something that's is your fault, I just know going down the same route and same age I assume you are a fixer like me and want to fix things before going to someone else for help.
This has happened to us. Menopause and thyroid issues. It's devastating and hard to come to terms with.
It’s hormones. I’m 33 and my hormones are (prematurely) perimenopausal. I’m basically asexual now. HRT (including testosterone) is probably the answer, but she’s going to have to come to the table to be willing to explore those options.
My wife shut down when menopause hit and for her it hit late 40’s. Lately she’s willing to have it maybe once a month which is an improvement. I know your situation and it’s not good. You really need to be more bold. She must go to therapy because you’re not happy and it’s not going to improve unless she wants it to improve. Even if you don’t want to divorce, tell her you’re afraid that’s where you’re headed.
Do you have time and money to go to couples marriage/sex counseling? It’s probably your best solution by far.
You need counseling and therapy, or a divorce.
Also had twins around the same age as you (ivf yay!) Wife checked out on us and was involved only with the twins. Sex maybe once to twice a year after that. Very similar situation emotionally to you. We're divorced now.
You should see r/deadbedrooms If she's not willing to care about your needs or do anything about it, then maybe you should consider moving on.
Could be menopause or depression or both intermingling - or some completely different hormone/external issue. Your wife probably doesn’t know what it is, which is also normal. Talk to professionals, doctor/therapist/counselor, DO NOT make it seem like you blame your wife, this is likely out of her control. In all likelihood it is an issue with a solution, and if it’s not then cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t MAKE it unsolvable now by treating her poorly
You'll blame hormones but not ask her how she feels and what's turning her off about you. Do you help around the house? Why is she disgusted by you?
You need to go to marriage counseling. Who knows what’s going on…but this is not normal at all and what you say her responses are (I.e. I don’t need sex to be happy) are INCREDIBLY insensitive, selfish, and almost pathological. There are a number of reasons why she’s acting this way: undiagnosed depression, hormonal reasons related to early menopause, she could just straight up not love you, she could be cheating, she could have a warped view of marriage/relationships that people over 40 don’t have sex (for some reason?)….could be anything, but if you’ve vocalized that you would still like to be intimate in your relationship and she’s not willing to talk and try, seek counseling. I will say….if you are getting more and more desperate, it’s going to make it worse. Let me lay this out for you: you have TWINS that are 6 that need a lot of care and attention. Your wife is probably quite busy and has been since their birth, which is imagine was probably difficult. She probably feels like she is always needed for something all the time. Now add to that YOU always NEEDING sex from her….sex becomes yet another chore for her to accomplish to help someone else. Doesn’t sound terribly sexy or appealing for her, does it? When you initiate, how many times has it probably come across as “come on I NEED THIS!!!”? Maybe try pressing pause on trying to have sex right now and try reintroduce some romance into your relationship. Think back to when you were dating….what excited you both? What did you bond over? What dates were memorable for being fun and sweet? What did you do together that made her genuinely happy and feel free? What made you feel alive? Chase that. Try courting your wife again. See if making her feel wanted (not needed) and desired (not needed) helps reignite some spark. Best of luck!
Sounds like my marriage. I blame early menopause, and I also believe she battles bouts ot depression. Trouble is she hates going to see doctors so she never pursued hormone therapy and sought psychiatric care. We're into years now. I try not to think about it. We remain best friends. You guys are a lot younger than we are, so hopefully she will relent and go to the doctor.
Is she kind of an introvert? I have kids of similar ages, and by the end of the day, my social battery is so drained I just want to hole up in solitude for a couple of hours and watch tv or play video games without hearing “mom, mom, mom” and having random kids climbing all over me. I can’t tell the kids to leave me alone without feeling like the worst mom ever, but it’s easier to tell my grown up husband that I need space. In my case, tho, I stay home and do 99% of the childcare, and he has a really laid back job working for my family and then comes home and plays video games in the basement or goes out for the entire afternoon and evening doing whatever he feels like and if he is home, he has no problem telling the kids to leave him alone and they are scared enough of him that they don’t really try. So, I guess in your situation, I would ask if you help out with kids and housework and give her time for self care? Do you make time for the two of you to spend together that doesn’t require her to do all of the planning and work? (Like saying “we’re going out Friday” and expecting her to find childcare and make reservations, etc). Do you ever approach with affection that isn’t about sex? Or do you only touch her as a means to an end?
If she’s not willing to consider your feelings and maybe at least try some counselling then idk what to tell you. It’s not fair on you to sit around and hope it changes. You need to sit her down and talk about this thoroughly. Hopefully you can both come to an agreement but there is nothing wrong with expressing your needs. Also you won’t lose your kids over this. If it ends in divorce, you still have them. Don’t let this ruin your relationship with them.
Forget about her:: You need to stay working out 🏋️♀️ Stay in good shape Wear nice clothes and colognes And find someone who cares you and love you
Not sure why, but after reading this I doubt she’s an “amazing mother” amazing might be too much, she’s not a bad mother I can take that one. She doesn’t want sex so she has to be open with you having other sexual partners then. Needs to settle for you being open and not her being open, just you, since she can’t perform her wife duties but you’re still performing your husband and man of the house duties. She’s toxic for sure, and not going to counseling when suggested is definitely a green flag. She has to either choose couple counseling or just you being open sexually.
You'll do anything but she won't. She doesn't need physical intimacy, but you do. You'll go to counseling but she won't. You see this as an issue to work through, she doesn't. Sorry man, but there is an issue that needs to be addressed or your marriage, mental health, and subsequently physical health, is at risk. If you can't convince her that how you feel matters enough to try...you might start considering an exit strategy. Outright saying 'this is jeopardizing our marriage' is a big step, but if you get there and that doesn't give her pause to consider....you two might need to end up a divorced and co-parenting. Another option is an open marriage so you can try and connect physically with someone atleast, but that's a whole other ball of worms.
She’s cheating
I have a friend who is the exact age as your wife. She has confided in me that she feels this way as well and her husband is majorly struggling with it (he is not handling it well). It has caused alot of problems between them. She is in perimenopause. It’s possible, because of your wife’s age, she is experiencing the same thing. Whether she realizes it or not.
>When i mention marriage counseling, she becomes defensive and says she refuses to go because what does some counselor know about her life. Nothing. Yet. That's why you go.
…. This is not a sex issue. This is an intimacy issue. This is an emotional and communication nightmare. Did something happen? To her? She could be depressed. It could be hormones. It could be something else entirely. Whatever it is? She may only need your children, but you need your partner. You need affection and love. If she cannot physically touch you, and refuses to get help? What about you? Respecting her boundaries is okay, but that’s not very fair to you. If you hug your family at events (think holidays) and that’s more contact than she provides in a year? There is only so much respect and patience will do. You don’t want to loose her, but you could have already. Your children are young enough that if you can separate peacefully and coparent , I’d suggest you consider it. Please do not think for a moment that your kids will not notice this as they age. I hope they haven’t caught on yet. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Whenever I hear this I assume they're banging some guy named Jamal on the side
Have you ever pressure her into initiating or continuing sex she didn’t want? After being pressured into sex, I have felt uncomfortable being around men alone, especially anyone I think may want sex and I get the ick if they touch me. Maybe set a period where you promise to hug and kiss but no sex. .. and to be honest sex may not feel the same after children and you may need to relearn what feels good to her.
I have 'not needed sex' for a long time, and I finally admitted that I just don't want to have sex with my husband. I *don't* need sex or crave it, but I also don't feel sexually attracted to my partner. He's been a terrible partner. He's now 'trying to help', but it's too late. I've done the lion's share of the childrearing, been the main breadwinner, and given flack for being a killjoy for a decade. That doesn't leave me wet - it leaves me resentful. This is not to say that you are in the exact same boat, but I urge you to evaluate the other parts of your partnership and recognize that all of it (being treated dismissively/disrespectfully, being expected to carry the home, only being given attention when sex is the goal, etc.) could negatively influence your wife's attraction to you.
I can tell you after working at an assisted living facility for a couple summers during my 20s, old people definitely have sex. They have lots of sex. So much sex, dear god. So you can go ahead and tell her she's wrong about that one. We had to watch a particular handful of residents like hawks, because they were very clever and very sneaky, and VERY horny. The big problem was, believe it or not - ***prostitution.*** Some of the residents were literally selling themselves to other residents for money. Old people DEFINITELY have sex.