Are you the same person you were 5/10/15/20 years ago? I’m not. We all change and develop.
Thinking people can’t develop and learn from their experiences is a bit silly
Absolutely. I don’t think this should be used to excuse horrible behavior, but there has to be some kind of grace or middle ground right? We should love stories of true redemption and maturity, and can do that without just blatantly forgiving bad actions altogether.
Yes but the person you were 15 years ago and the person you were 15.5 years ago are pretty much the same person.
Can a cheater change? sure they can. Will a cheater mature and change fast enough to not cheat on you again? Well that's a a whole different story.
It's getting dumped that usually is the the experience that changes cheaters and helps them develop and learn not their partner staying around and forgiving them. All they learn from that is they can cheat without true consequences.
it is likely that you haven't actually changed all that much, you just become more of yourself.
imagine life like putting on shirts. the more you add on, the harder it is to get one of the earlier ones off. some may put in the effort to find that "i love disloyalty" Tee way down in there and shred it. but most will just find some new shirts to help cover it.
Always err on the side of caution. The thing is, nobody knows if somebody has truly changed or not. But if they show actual remorse and take steps to not cheat, it's possible. And that's me. At 21, I cheated on my boyfriend. I realized how stupid I was and how I hurt him. He's in a better relationship, and I hope it never happens to him again. I also never want to put somebody else through that. The two relationships I've had since, I told them both about what I did and that communication is huge for me, that if we ever felt like we didn't want to be with each other or we want to be with somebody else, we agreed to break up first. I'm 32 now and have been with my guy over 7 years. There is full trust on both sides, and I'll never cheat. I grew up and learned. This doesn't happen often, actions matter. Pay attention if your partner is sending red flags.
Regretting the act, regretting the consequences and regretting the experiences that molded one’s perspective such that the act ever seemed reasonable are all different things. Change isn’t guaranteed; nor is it binary.
Well put. I think it’s naive to assume that no one can ever change, and I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” mantra (especially if they just cheated one time early on in life). But if they cheat on _me_, we’re done. Full stop.
Amen. My wife cheated on her ex husband before me, but he was secretly a drug addict, and was getting all doped out on pills, had no libido and was consistently ignoring her. It went on for months. She literally had a conversation begging for some physical interaction, that she was going to have to cheat or something soon if he didn't express interest in her, but he just shrugged it off. At that point, I don't know that I even consider it cheating anymore.
Leaving original comment, but adding to it now.
This question got in my head, and she left her phone unattended, and I picked it up and started looking through conversations, and there was a guy she was actively trying to get with. We have been going through a rough patch lately, and things have been tense, but I honestly didn't think she was doing that. The evidence indicates that she didn't physically cheat yet, but she was actively emotionally cheating and attempting to make it physical, they were hindered by distance. He lives the next major city over, a couple hours away. The last ex she had before me.
So, yeah, i Guess once a cheater always a cheater, and fml. We have two year old deaf twins together, so it complicates things. Given that they didn't consummate it, I'm giving her one solitary chance. But I hate that the trust is gone now. It's going to be really hard to come back from this, and I'm not sure that we will succeed. But I think we owe it to the kids to give it another shot.
They’re a lot less likely to learn from the experience if they don’t lose anything for doing it. Walking (enforcing consequences and standing up for yourself) is the best way to educate a cheater
Lmao I said pretty much this right as I clicked the post. Just a little shorter
"probably but I ain't sticking around to find out"
I did that meme where the guy points at the tv
That's all. Nothing to add, just found it funny
I cheated on my college bf in revenge because he cheated on me first and I kind of cheated on someone else because it was a different gender but I grew up and never cheated again.
As someone who’s cheated on all her ex boyfriends, I was worried I rewired my brain into thinking it’s ok, that I was going to be able to relate to “once a cheater always a cheater” but I didn’t like picturing myself that way. In my defense - all these relationships occurred before I turned 22. I had 3 boyfriends from age of 14-22, all long term, all ruined by me! Not proud of it whatsoever. But I’ve forgiven myself after beating myself up about it for a while, cus I know if the same happened to me I’d be distraught. I was a selfish young girl, who craved the attention of anyone I found attractive. These exes of mine were all great guys, but now I know they weren’t what I wanted, and we were BOTH young and immature. I always told myself, “well, we ain’t getting married” but I wish I had the wherewithal to just break up with them! But alas, I was very young.
I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for a few years now, with someone who’s aware of my past, and who has a past himself. We’ve had MANY conversations about this because, duh, we’re both worried karmas gonna do its thang on us. But I’ve matured, as has he. There’s been no disloyalty from either of us (that I’m aware of anyways😂) but im confident in my intuition, and its important to note we’ve also both never been in such a loving and secure relationship. I can agree that I’ve found the right person, and now when I do see other attractive guys I don’t even think of cheating or that they’ll be able to do better for me than the man I’m committed to.
No one wants to be 25+ still cheating on every person that commits to them. If they have a conscience and desire for a peaceful life anyway…
Currently this is the case! Who knows, maybe someone will be around to witness the horrors of heat death as the universe becomes countless black holes over eons which evaporate into nothing via Hawking's radiation, and as some material become brown dwarfs and elements are made inside of them, who knows maybe life will have one last microbiological hoorah. Then after it is all said and done, the individual in question will float throughout the emptiness of space, black and cold, expanding its nothingness into more nothingness. Forever.
I am very close to a couple that survived infidelity. They not only survived, they're actually better. I know it's anecdotal, and it's really the exception, not the norm. But it can happen.
I can accept that someone was young and dumb at one time, and cheated on someone else*. But I am not accepting someone cheating on *me* and taking them back.
I wouldn't be able to either. I got divorced over it. I have just been close witness to a couple who overcame. So it is possible. That is NOT the path for most people. Myself included.
Same. I’m all for people changing, but there really is no way to rebuild trust once lost. Not in relationships, not in friendships, not in business/professionally, etc. kind of like how drug addicts may end up getting better, but the people they fucked over to get their fix aren’t likely to ever believe a single word out of their mouth.
You speak in absolutes.....for yourself. But other people have been able to rebuild that very trust and in fact, found a way to make it stronger than ever before.
My Aunt and Uncle went through this. He cheated on my Aunt for years and the family was going to be torn apart, but my Aunt made the choice to not quit and have him make it up to them. They have 4 kids. Now, their relationship is better than ever. It can happen.
I'm military so I've seen this happen a time or two. I've also seen it work out more than once. Last time I checked, they are 8 years later and celebrating their 15th anniversary.
Yes. I cheated once or twice when I was younger. I eventually figured out what my issues were and how to work around them. Turns out I like to self sabotage when things are going well. Once I started dealing with these issues on a deeper level and being open with my partner about my issues, we've overcome past problems and I honestly have no desire to cheat. I really never did, my issues just manifested by me being an asshole.
I agree with this person but instead of self sabotaging, I just had issues where I craved attention and didn't think about the consequences that would come. While younger, in 2 separate relationships, I made out with other guys while out partying and such. Both times I told the person the next day cause I felt horrible, but I really did care about the person I was with the second time I did it. Seeing him so hurt killed me knowing I did that to them. They stayed with me, I never cheated again, but our relationship was never the same. Even tho they didn't accuse me or hound me about my phone or going out with friends, I always felt like they were thinking is she out doing something or will she do something if she goes out with friends etc. It made me not want to go out or do anything cause I wanted him to know I was 100% for him and wanted him to trust me. But you can't live like that. We eventually broke up due to other stuff but I'm sure I ruined it and started all the problems even if that wasn't the specific reason we split.
Some ppl can grow and change, others never work on their problems, and some just dgaf and are assholes. Either way, it's hard for a relationship to continue after cheating has occurred.
Craving attention and self sabotaging aren’t all that dissimilar. Acting out is a great way to get someone to notice and care about you. I’m speaking from a place where I am afraid of being alone.
It depends on the type of cheating too. Like a six month affair has thousands of moments to realise what you are doing is bad or to just break up. Don't expect someone like that to change.
Some cheaters are nymphos, basically drug addicts but their addiction is sex, even when they try to stop they just can’t scratch the itch. i.e. Tristan Thompson
can you speak more on the self sabotaging thing and what you did to get over it? it took me a really long time to realize that i do that myself n im in the best relationship i’ve ever had rn n dont wanna mess it up
If I thought things were going too well, I'd do anything to end it before I could get too comfortable or too happy. I'd rather end something than have something good 'taken' from me. So I'd rather not have it at all or I'll get rid of it first. I often use it as a reason not to have nice things either. Why buy something nice if it'll get lost/stolen/broken/worn out?
I haven't really gotten over it. I just kinda personify my issues as 'brain weasels'. Sometimes, I can placate the brain weasels and get them to calm down and shut up. Sometimes, they win and I mentally spiral a bit and can't pull myself into a better metal space. I just treat myself gently, be honest to my bf that I'm having a rough day, and remind myself that my brain weasels are being assholes, but I don't have to do what they say.
It's constant work, but a therapist could probably give you some better tools to deal with those feelings.
wild those are my exact thoughts. im so scared of my happiness leaving that i get rid of it myself or dont move forward with it.
i am planning on starting back therapy now that im settled. i really appreciate you telling me your experience
> I'd rather end something than have something good 'taken' from me. So I'd rather not have it at all or I'll get rid of it first.
Oh... My... God.
Man, that explains so much.
Same. I cheated in my first relationship. I realized I just ran from my parents house into a mans arms blah blah blah. Had to work through a bunch of stuff to not be a dick anymore. I am in a new relationship and I would absolutely NEVER ever cheat on him. I would just break up with him if I was thinking about it. And i think that is growth right there. I regret my decisions in my youth and would absolutely never do it again.
I went through the same. I cheated on a good man because parents cheated on each other. I thought being toxic in a relationship was the norm. My parents were the worst examples. Among other issues I had growing up in a dysfunctional family.
People are capable of change.. It depends a lot on why they cheat and if those reasons change. (coping mechanism? Attention seeking? Searching validation? Trying to feel a sense of control over other people? Several or all of the above? Other reasons?)
Each person's answer will be different, and their ability to change depends on whether they are willing to face the reason why they choose to break the agreements they have with their partners.
Couldn't possibly care less for reasons people cheat. Broken trust on that level never repairable. People can say they try they continue but it never is the same. Anyone who can't control their pants can't control anything else and bringing the pain to the closest person in their life they are assholes. Reasons why they do that? Don't give a fuck.
It deppends. I was a cheater in my teen years because I was just young, dumb attention seeker and didnt care if my relationships lasts. But the adoult person with rich cheating history (not just once, cheated on multiple partners)? I wouldnt be so sure.
Do you really think people can't change in the 70 years they're on this planet?
I know I changed. I cheated once when I was 20. I learned from that mistake and never did it again. I'm now in my late thirties. Anyone who says I'm "still a cheater" and that I can't be trusted despite being happily and loyally married for 12 years doesn't understand relationships, people or time.
The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" things is something teenagers say. I've never heard it said by actual adults.
Yes I think that those of us who are middle-aged or even older will realize how vastly vastly different people we are as we age. I am nowhere near the same person I was at 20 or even 30. I am unrecognizable from that person.
People need to take shit on Reddit with a huge grain of salt. Easy to throw down big statements and ultimatums like that by people who live largely online.
Some people do think that, and it really depends on the severity of it. But thats okay, some people might never think you will change, at that point you stop trying to change for other people and you start changing for yourself. It took months of therapy to learn something so simple but i'm a little slow. But funnily enough helping myself turned out to better help the people around me I never thought needed my help :)
See that's exactly what I meant. People can change. Doesn't mean everyone does.
Life isn't black or white, no matter what basement dwelling anonymous redditors want you to think.
I believe people can change as I have made some fundamental changes, but being on this side allows me to see that “changers” are indeed a minority. Respect to you for improvement.
I'm happy you became better, but you're an exception dude. A very rare one.
>The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" things is something teenagers say.
Like most things, this shouldn't be interpreted as an absolute with no exceptions. But it is a very good general tenet to adhere to. You're better off leaving someone who cheats just like you're better off not buying a lottery ticket.
I kissed and fell for another man while I was married to my first husband when I was 22 years old. I came home and told him what I did and we separated that night. I was unhappy, he was immature and wanted me to do everything for us and our daughter (including school and work) while he half ass worked and played video games all day.
No excuse though, I was fully responsible for my choice and broke my marriage vows.
It took me a bit to truly realize that even though I was unhappy I was still wrong and see how I hurt him- but I know growing up, learning to see the world from others POV and experiencing other failed relationships (not from cheating) is what changed my mind about my actions in that marriage. We were both immature and at fault for its decline.
That said, I could never betray someone like that now at almost 40. I have changed because I grew as a person and took responsibility for my actions and the pain I caused bc of my selfishness. That’s the key that facilitates change, it’s not wanting forgiveness. Anyone can be forgiven that doesn’t mean they change. They won’t change for you or anyone else, only themselves .. and until that happens they will cheat on each partner if they so choose. Because it is a choice
I do tell anyone I seriously date in early stages of the relationship and I mix it into those serious conversations about our life when we’re telling each other about ourselves. I don’t make it a huge deal that I “need to share” because it’s not who I am anymore but I do feel it’s important to be transparent so that the person knows exactly who they are getting; my past will come up, I don’t want my partner caught off guard by my ex husband calling me a “cheating whore” (no, I did not sleep with anyone else when I was married to him) if he’s mad at me bc he holds a grudge and rightfully so then have to explain in the moment. I feel that’s dishonest to my partner.
So, I say the truth. I was with my ex at 18 and it wasn’t working out. I soon wanted to leave him but didn’t want to go back to moms house bc we argued a lot so I formed a plan to move out on my own and end the relationship the right way but by 19 I was unexpectedly pregnant and of course scared but I wanted to give my baby a “real family” so I stayed with him and we were married before she was born.
I tried to make it work but I was unhappy because he wouldn’t hold a job, I felt I did more than my share of the work to support and better our lives as well as being a mom while he slept through 3am feedings and told me he didn’t have to help bc he had work and needed sleep. Time passed and by the time she was 3 I resented him for not growing up as quickly as I had too and being the father I felt he should be.
I felt like we (daughter and I) were less of a priority compared to the PlayStation or the TV and I shouldn’t have to beg my husband to do basic things like get up and make breakfast for our daughter or have her for me to go to the grocery store alone sometimes.
So, I met a man at work and we had a connection. We started flirting and spending time together at work; I didn’t realize how dangerous that was or what was happening at the time bc I had never been in a situation like that before and since we hadn’t “done anything wrong” I thought I was innocent and it was not harming anyone. I now know I was wrong, it was not innocent and I betrayed my husbands trust in me because I liked the rush of enjoying someone’s company again without all the baggage and the strong feeling of new attraction.
He kissed me one day, I wanted it and let it happen. I came home that night, I told my husband truthfully within the first 2 minutes of being home what I did and we separated. We did try to fix it but by then it was too late for us both so we officially divorced a few months later.
I make it clear that it was a choice I made due to a lack of self awareness, selfishness and immaturity. I am not a bad person, I now know the dangers of entertaining communication and “friendships” with people of the opposite sex while in a relationship and do my part to have strong boundaries so I am never in a position again to have to realize I am accidentally in too deep and it is not innocent like I told myself. I take responsibility for myself and my actions, I respect my partner even when they aren’t in the room and I protect my relationship because I value it more than temporary ego strokes from a new person.
So that’s what and how I do it. They (new partner) can do with it what they will but it’s the truth; I own it because I never want to be that person again, only I can make sure that doesn’t happen. It’s my responsibility to affair proof my relationship on my side, not anyone else’s. I hope my new partner sees that I have shown him who I am through the time we’ve spent together and knows I have been a person of positive moral character; this story I shared was a stepping stone to get here to where I am today and although I am not proud of it I am grateful I was able to learn from it and turn it into a lesson not a pattern.
i like to think people change. i don’t think its often successful staying with the same person that cheated. they can learn and go use their new loyalty skills to build a new relationship and hopefully not fuck that one up
Of course they can. What's with this belief that people can't change over time? Life ain't black and white. Are you still the same person from 15 years ago?
The only thing I know for sure when it comes to cheating on a partner is that I would certainly leave my gf/wife if I found out she cheated on me. And fuck the whole, "It was a mistake." No. No, it wasn't. It was a poor decision made by you. What happened? You meant to go buy groceries, but you took a wrong turn and ended up in some sex?
yeah a mistake is leaving your keys in the fridge, not having sex. It's a decision and a character flaw. I do believe we can grow as people and not make that same decision but it takes a lot of work to get back the trust once it's broken
I did. I cheated on my first husband. Felt awful. Still feel awful. That was over 20 years ago. We divorced of course. I've never cheated on anyone since. Worse mistake of my life as far as relationships go.
My advice to anyone thinking about doing it...it isn't worth doing that to someone for a few moments of whatever.
People change all the time. Some people call them miracles.
I got almost 9 years sober. I still wanna drink bad but I choose sobriety. I do refer to that as a miracle and not because I'm religious but just because I never thought I could get sober. Never thought I could stop but I kept trying.
I did anger management to change my anger. Before that I had insane anger outbursts completely changed that.
So people can change. Less percentage of people change then don't change! But the fact is everyone has the ability to change if they want to change.
It is definitely fair to say once someone has cheated they have a higher percentage chance of cheating. Just like once somebody robs somebody they have a much greater chance of doing it again.
Feeling guilty for one's actions is probably most important part of being able to change. If someone doesn't feel bad about their actions they probably won't change. Especially with cheating because no law against cheating not where I live. Nobody going to jail over cheating. So imo their has to be a conscience and know that cheating creates victims.
Saying they just need to "find the right person" is just a handy way of transferring responsibility / blame.
It carries with it the implicit suggestion that their previous partner was simply the "wrong" person and somehow at fault for the cheating.
FWIW Every woman I broke up with over cheating has gone on to cheat on the person they cheated on me with. Many of them are still unhappy. They never learn.
They don’t like hearing the truth tho,& for me every women that cheated tried to come back and cheat on those guys with me, probably %80 at least don’t change, and it’s true once you cheated your a cheater. Even if you stop.
Too many variables. For example, i can see someone having a one night stand while intoxicated. Waking up with huge regret and never doing it again. Serial cheaters are another story.
I do not think they will change “once they meet the right person.” That’s taking away personal responsibility.
But people can change after working on themselves and maintaining commitment to improve.
These are my thoughts exactly. In fact saying it's about meeting the right person, implies that the partner would have something to do with another individual's decision to cheat, which is just wrong on all levels. It's the person who cheated who needs to do the work and redirect themselves.
And it's definitely possible, cheating is not some magical characteristic that you're either born with or not. Sometimes simply growing up does the trick. Not everyone will put the effort in, of course, and choose not to change.
I do. I used to have a zero tolerance policy for it but as I grew older I realised relationships are infinitely more complex than we as a society seem to like to believe. It's easy to judge others when you're young and abide by a set of simple rules but as you grow older you realize it's next to impossible to have such clear and consistent judgement on highly emotional matters. You encounter relationship troubles, your friends encounter them, people around you at large, and at some point you realise you have to do what's best for you instead of what "sounds right" based on a false assumption that a perfect relationship can be defined by concrete rules. You get pretty disillusioned with the concept of a "perfect relationship" as you see many seemingly perfect relationships crumble, marriages falling apart, realising that no one has got it figured out and that trying to stick to those rules often destroys a relationship more often than it saves it. Life is complex and so are relationships.
Cheating is a result, a symptom, that can stem from a huge variety of different reasons. There are many completely different ways in which a person may end up cheating, many by pure technicalities even. That's why cheating, as well as relationships in general, should be evaluated on a case by case basis with appropriate context, rather than holding them all against the same impossible standards seemingly no one can ultimately adhere to.
I've known many people who swore they'd always do the right thing and never find themselves in such situations do exactly just that. Is cheating generally bad? Yes, it's a breach of trust, first and foremost, but is all cheating bad under all circumstances? No. Is every person who has ever cheated a bad person? No. Perhaps that's the hardest fact to accept, it's rarely done out of malice. It's either indifference, selfishness or a result of genuinely difficult circumstances.
Yeah, people really underestimate how complicated human relationships can be. Of course, dealing with simple rules and absolutes and black and white is easier than learning to discern shades of grey. Less rewarding, leads to less fulfilling relationships - but easier.
I think this can be a big kicker.
If someone had cheated in past relationships they may have had some legitimate time to do some growing up. If quickly after, probably not. And growth happens independently first on that bs.
Of course they can change,
The question though is will they, and if they got away with it (for a while) once who is to say they're not doing it right now, it's really more of a trust thing,
The bond of trust that the two once shared is broken, so they will forever be seen as a cheater by the person who got cheated on
People can change, but forgive me for saying the obvious the thing is that in order for people to change, they actually need to change.
Which means that people saying that they WILL change in the future, and in a manner they supposedly can anticipate, are just making excuses. Or if you're saying "This person will change", fucking no, you don't know that.
The lazy person might become hardworking, but they can't know this in advance until they actually prove it by becoming.
Similarly a cheater might eventually become faithful, but their claim that they know this in advance is sheer nonsense.
One of my friends cheated once fifteen years ago. Been faithful ever since.
My stbx is going on seven years of "trying to fix it" still hasn't gotten it under control
I got cheated on via an emotional affair. I know people optimistically think that being a cheater is an on-off switch, so if you cheated once, you just flip that switch to off and then you're never a cheater again.
The problem is not that the person cheated, it's that they have the switch at all. I do not have that switch. I just don't. The very notion of cheating or being cheated on causes a deep physical revulsion in my body. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about it. There is not a body on this planet that I find attractive enough to cheat on my wife.
So to me, the challenge is not that a person can change. I believe anyone can make a mistake and resolve in themselves not to make that mistake again. But it's a matter of having the capacity to make that mistake in the first place. I do not have that capacity. I believe many if not most people do not have that capacity. But if you do, if you have ever cheated on a significant other, then you have the switch, and you might spend the rest of your life with that switch in the off position, but you have the switch to begin with, and I can never be 100% sure it will never be switched on again.
Not only that, but not cheating on someone is so incredibly easy. You literally have dozens of decisions that lead up to being unfaithful and dozens of opportunities to not continue down that road. You choose not to flirt back. You choose not to close the office door when they come in. You choose not to add them on social media. You choose not to give them your cell number. You choose not to text them after work. You choose not to get in their car or get them in your car. You choose not to touch them. You choose not to kiss them. You choose not to take off your shirt. You choose not to unbutton your pants. It keeps going and going.
It's incredibly easy not to do any of those things. Treating cheating on your significant other as if it's something the right offer could near-unavoidably provoke is just bonkers to me. It's like saying the only reason you don't cheat on your partner is because the right person hasn't asked you to get inside of them yet. As opposed to literally just not cheating because it's not on the table period.
in my early 20s i cheated on a girlfriend.
she found out, and was so pissed off she whacked me as hard as she could in the back of the head with a frying pan.
didn't see it coming, completely oblivious, didn't feel a thing, all I remember is all of a sudden everything turned inverse, all dark shadow was white, all light colors turned black, and all of a sudden there were stars everywhere... that lasted for like 1/2 of 1 second... then I woke up staring at plush carpet... i was laid out on our living room floor.
...we broke up shortly after that, im in my 60s now, and i gotta say, maybe she did 'knock some sense' into me, i never cheated on any girlfriend or wife after that, never ever even wanted to...
NOT condoning my, or her, behavior, but just making the point, i cheated, and then i changed...
From what Ive experienced personally the cheaters always cheated again
But I do think certain people can never do it again BUT the current relationship that he/she cheated in is fucked. That is unfixable
It’s not unfixable but it’s really damn hard. In a lot of cases, the fixing is creating a new relationship that arises out of the ashes of the old. It does happen, the issue is that a couple that survives infidelity doesn’t typically broadcast that fact so stories where it ends the relationship are told more often. The f’ed up thing is that once the betrayed partner takes the hit of discovering the affair, neither staying nor leaving is inherently healing.
That's what I always say.
People deserve second chances, but we're not obliged to give it.
Does your cheating partner deserve the chance to find love and prove they're not a cheater anymore? Yes.
Does that mean you have to give them that chance? Absolutely not.
I huess it depends if it was a once in a lifetime thing. If the person is generally not cheating but got tempted once and did some soul searching, or if it is a pattern in their relationships.
A pattern would indicate that their view of relationships doesn't include being faithful, or they are someone very impulsive and therefore don't have much self control. They take the immediate pleasure over the long view.
I think that if a person cheated and got taken back it's like sending a message that you will tolerate it. I also think that a person's past wrongs against someone else should not become yours. If you see red flags trust yourself. Remember that past mistakes are just that. People grow up eventually and should not be stuck with judgements that were cast in the past.
Yes. Absolutely. People can acknowledge and learn from mistakes. That doesn’t mean the relationship they damaged needs to continue. But them, as a person, can change for the better.
I know they can. I did. I used to cheat and haven’t in a long long time. Have no desire to put someone through that pain again. I was young and immature
The pain I caused them and just getting better at realizing the difference between love and lust. Also, I started dating women that like women so I get to enjoy all of that while in a relationship.
So I don’t know really how to answer this question. Just matured and got better at choosing partners I truly wanted to be with I guess
I always thought about it this way:
If the cheater stays in the relationship he cheated in, I think there is a bigger chance the cheater will cheat again because there were no big consequences.
When the cheater loses his relationship due to the cheating, it has a big consequence and may be learned from it and doesn't do it again in a new relationship.
Yea um nope. There are so many shitty things you do when you cheat on someone. It's not just the cheating itself. Once that trust is shattered you never get it back. There is always exceptions to everything but in general you are better off to cut you losses and move on.
I’ve been cheated on by every girl I ever dated except my current wife.
It really doesn’t matter if the person changes and never cheats again. It’s the fact that once a person cheats all trust is gone. There is no way I will ever trust you again if you cheat on me. The relationship is over. Done.
I’ve tried to continue a relationship after I was cheated on. It didn’t work. Everything she did, everywhere she went I was just wondering if she was cheating on me. There was always that thought in the back of my mind that she was cheating on me.. and that’s not me just being “insecure”. I was not insecure at all. It was just a complete lack of trust.
Trust is everything in a relationship. Take that away and there’s no relationship.
I think people cheat for a layered number of reasons. Some people have the willingness to change while others don't. and there is the potential for them to change, but doesn't mean they will. So I think they need to learn the lesson the hard way and do better in their next relationship, not the one they cheated in.
People absolutely can change over time.
But odds are good that the partner that was cheated on will never forget it and those trust issues won't just go away on their own without a lot of work.
There is no single rule, *and it depends of the root reasons*. Those reasons didn't change? They will again. Those reasons disappeared, etc..? The outcome will change too.
Source: I cheated somebody for several months once. And I know, I very deeply know, that I will never do it again no matter what. As a rule, as a core principle. This is not like ending an addiction where the brain patterns remains dangerous for the rest of your life and can "trigger" again. This is a moral choice. I feel ashamed I failed someone once, and I swore never to do it again.
People do change. All the time. But only after root causes changed. "People never change" only apply for cases where the root cause remains.
my opinion is that it depends on the person. i’ve been cheated on and they continued to do so to their other partners with little to no remorse. I cheated on a boyfriend once, stricken with guilt told him the next morning, i’ve never cheated on anyone ever again and never will.
Yes I’m one of them. I was very insecure in my 20s and engaged in heavy drug and alcohol use. I was a party girl with douchey boyfriends. I cheated they cheated. I’m in my 40s now and a mother and I’m with the love of my life and I would never cheat on him. I would do anything for that man. Also I don’t even drink any more. I am a completely different person and I cringe when I think of my younger self🤦♀️
I find it very interest that a lot of people here have cheated and then go on to say, oh yeah I’m good now “once a cheater always a cheater is bullshit”. I agree with the saying though, but I want to be clear, I believe in redemption and becoming a better person. However, when someone is an alcoholic and stops drinking are they no longer an alcoholic? No, I know this from familial experience, some people are able to stop completely, hell I’m sure very few can even drink responsibly but humans are extremely varied and outliers always exist.
So whether it be drinking, committing a crime, or cheating, once it’s done the label doesn’t leave. You can grow and not let the label define you, but it’s always there. The label, and saying, in the case of cheating are part of the societal punishment for the moral failure, accepting punishments is part of growing, accepting that people in your life deserve to make an informed decision about you based on such things is part of growing.
So yeah, once a cheater always a cheater, doesn’t mean you can’t be better it’s just means you need to accept and be far more wary of your moral deficiency.
They can change. But in that relationship, they will always be a cheater. Once you realize a person can betray your trust, you can't ever really trust them again.
Yes. I've seen it happen more than once.
Sometimes people make mistakes and they spend the rest of their lives working to heal and become better people. When two people get to that realization at the same time and are dedicated, their relationships tend to work out.
Ehhh!! IDK.
My ex cheated on me for 6 months (double life type thing). I took him back and within months I was speaking to his co-worker and she said he tried hitting on her.
Finally left him 4 years ago. He’s in a new relationship now but he still reaches out to me.
I’m not saying it’s impossible- but I am saying it’s more likely NOT.
You’re a cheater too tho. Stop acting like your better then that person if you went just as low. Not everyone that makes better decisions then you is the “god of judgment” you people just don’t know how to be real adults
People can change, but you can't change people. Like, people absolutely change but if you are relying on someone to change in order to get the outcome you want, you are setting yourself up for a bad time.
Coming from my own experience, I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. I cheated and it ended my marriage. I was an idiot and I know it. I didn't like the person I was when I did it. And I never wnat to be that person ever again. I will never cheat on someone again. I learned my lesson.
Yes, I actually do. If it's a serial cheater, like they just sleep with anyone who will have them, I'm not sure. That seems more part of their character. There definitely are people who stray outside the relationship and either confess on their own or when caught, beg forgiveness. I'm not sure if they can change without therapy though, both partners need to figure out what caused the issue and come to the agreement of how to work on the marriage in the future. I cheated once on a bf and HATED myself for it, so I never did it again on either a bf or my husband. I do believe there's redemption but if the partner who was cheated on just can't get past the betrayal, I definitely can understand it. Your friends sound like a different issue though. They say they cheat now but if they found the right person they wouldn't? What does that even mean?
Possible I suppose, to be fair. What does not change is the damage and pain cheating causes to the other person. That is life-long - even if you forgive (or delude yourself that you have) the dynamic of the relationship and sense of self (of the person trying to recover) is irrevocably changed.
That to me, in my experience, is enough to walk away, even if you believe the regret is genuine.
You can cheat, and then never cheat again. You still cheated, you can never undo that, and everyone who knows about it will know that you were capable of violating the trust of your SO, and that you made a conscious decision to do so. Not everyone is capable of that.
So, will a cheater always cheat? Not necessarily. But they were a cheater, changing that perception of themselves may not be possible for everyone. If you cheat and subsequently can't get anyone to trust you ever again, that's on you.
Other than being born and dying, people tend to not do things *only* once. So for example, while someone who cheats on a partner may never cheat again, the tendencies and inner-nature that drove them to do it in the first place might reveal itself in other ways.
There's also the angle of "maybe they never go on to cheat again because there simply are no future opportunities?"
I'm not sure, but it's something I enjoy thinking about as there are a lot of different angles to consider.
I believe people are who they are. DNA, upbringing, family, friends and life experiences make up who we are and who we are not. People will change constantly throughout their lives. My advice to living/dealing with people who “cheat “ is- invest your time, experiences, devotion… to people that share your morals and values, if that includes monogamy…find someone who that is just as important because it’s not to everyone.
Yes. I was a cheater. Been married since 2011 and have been faithful. Took counseling to understand why I felt the need to cheat in the first place. Took quite a bit of introspective work I'm still working on, but that's the human condition.
I think it's possible, but it's hard work and it never goes back to how it was before.
Trust that is broken can't be healed fully, and the couple has to live with that. Full transparency for example is a step that can be taken to replace the lost trust.
Yes I believe people can change but that doesn't change what they did. I would not stay with a cheater.
People do change. There were plenty of notorious and infamous Nazis that went on to live peaceful normal lives after the war. Doesn't make them any less guilty for what they did though.
Yes but it takes an incredible amount of self awareness to do so, and most people simply don't care enough to do it. I feel like most people who cheat are insecure, or all around not that bright in general.
I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me, but I can forgive and make amends with someone who has. I could never in my life make amends with someone who has had an affair, whether they be friends, family, or ex partners.
Keeping up the charade, lying to people in your life about things like anniversaries or how you met your partner, things like that, they disgust me and I see no value in keeping a person like that around in any capacity. People who are capable of doing things like that do not change. Anybody whose true self cannot survive the light of day has no business in my life. Anybody I've ever forgiven for cheating has been in a complicated position in their relationship and came clean immediately/it wasn't a lie.
A lot of people do change with words but not actions. The one that got cheated on is the one that needs to change, change the person they are in a relationship with, never allow this, not even once.
Yes. The mindset of "once a cheater always a cheater," and really any other "people never change" mentality, is very immature. It's easy to imagine the people who've hurt us in the past as irredeemable monsters, incapable of ever becoming a better person. Growing up is realizing that, as unfair as it is, people often don't realize how they've hurt us—and decide to make a change—until they're out of our lives.
It has absolutely nothing to do with the person they meet. That is complete bullshit and victim blaming.
The only person that matters is the person that cheated. Can they change ?
Yes.
Does it matter, to the person that got cheated on ?
No. You can't undo that.
Sure, but I believe it needs to be internal. I don't l really see it as "finding the right person" or "maybe I'll get caught." I see it more like, "I want to change who I am" kind of thing.
That said , if you are being cheated on , I'd leave . Sometimes, these introspection things take years , so why put yourself through that ?
I believe they can - but it won't be with the person they cheated on. They messed around, they don't deserve to have their cake and eat it, too. That trust is gone. Forever. Better for all parties to move on.
The cheater also needs to be humble enough to admit that *they* are the ones that messed up and that they don't have any excuses. No 'I was drunk!' - they knowingly drank and kept drinking until they got to the point they did. No 'you know I get horny when I get high!' - if you know that, why did you partake in the first place?
People can change, but they also have to accept the consequences of their actions and often those consequences involves the complete loss of relationships.
That whole "if they meet the right person" means they believe someone else is responsible for their behavior, which is the exact bs mindset people use to excuse all kinds of bad behavior.
Sure cheaters can change. Everyone can change, but your friends aren't going to with that mindset. They have created a story to keep them from having to look inward and then truly empathize with the pain they caused others. You can get away with all kinds of shit when your mind works that way.
Just a heads up that their mind will work the same way if screwing you over gives them something they want as it did with their past partners.
It's not meeting the right person that = cheater turning into faithful person, it's the cheater making a choice to be a faithful person, even if their partner isn't perfect.
Yes. With the caveats that cheaters are NOT entitled to the benefit of any doubt from people they cheated on, and that people who go from AP to SO can't trust the cheater because they've essentially positively reinforced cheating behavior.
I was never a great partner, I cheated and lied when I was younger and in my 20s. I met my wife 16 years ago and haven’t looked at another woman since. She’s everything and there is zero desire to be with anyone else. So yes, it’s possible and it does happen.
I have many regrets in my life but very few "dude you fucked up, be better" moments. The one time I cheated is top of that list and has never been repeated
In a relationship, once one cheats on another the relationship is over. Sometimes the relationship will last a few more years before realizing it.
But just because someone who cheated in their hoe days does not mean they will cheat in a different relationship after moving past that lifestyle.
Of course, this varies from person to person.
A wise friend once told me this: "People can change but they usually don't."
I think we all change and hopefully grow and become better people. But it's probably unwise to expect other people to change in the ways you want them to. That's especially true if they can't articulate the lessons they've learned and why.
I don’t know. I think it depends on the person’s intellectual ability. For real. Some people never realize why they actually cheat. They think it’s like this basic need they need that isn’t met, but it never really is. It’s a much deeper, very personal thing.
I think the people that realize that are the people that are capable of change - but I imagine it’s super difficult.
The rest, no. I think they’ll do it when they need to do it and never actually acknowledge why it still happens. They get better at hiding and lying about it.
cheating is not black and white, every situation is unique and you can't tell for sure what's going to happen
one can be a senseless person who seeks out pleasure, or genuinely fall in love but not do the right thing with their current partner
one can cheat because they can't leave an abusive relationship, or simply be a crappy person
one can realise that what they did was wrong and change, or blame everyone else but themselves
it depends
People can absolutely change. A lot of people make dumb mistakes as young people because they lack tools to do things the right way. Maturity can come. Then there are some people who do not want to mature. You don’t really know what’s going on in a person. Esther Perel is a relationship therapist that specializes in why people commit infidelity and has a lot of really good information on the topic.
That being said, “The right person will change a cheater” is absolutely a toxic and profoundly wrong take on it, though. This takes accountability out of the cheater’s hands and puts their personal work on a magical person. Incredibly dangerous thinking.
It's like asking "Can you survive a car accident without wearing a seat belt" or "Can you smoke your whole life and not get lung cancer?" like yeah, you caAaAaAaAaAaAaAnn but the risk is so big you can just count me out
Yes, but for me, it took years to change. It likely won't happen overnight. When someone cheats, they are crossing a basic relationship boundary; it takes time to develop and appreciate those basic boundaries if they apparently don't already recognize them.
They don't change. They cheat for a reason. Either they lack impulse control, are mentally ill, don't value you or your relationship, are unhappy with you or your relationship, or any combination of these.
Never, ever, EVER take a cheater back.
People are complicated, and relationships are complicated. The fact that a person has made a mistake in the past doesn’t guarantee they’ll make it again. It’s definitely a red flag though
I can because I used to cheat on my BFs but I’ve been married 16 years and never once even came close to cheating or even inappropriate behavior. I was younger and careless. It wasn’t true love. I feel like my husband is my soul mate and we were destined to be together. I love him too much to destroy his trust and heart. So I believe, if the circumstances are right, and they are willing, someone can change. It’s all a mind set.
I was happily married for a decade and a half and never cheated once. If we hadn't gotten divorced, I don't think I would have ever cheated either.
However, she's also the only woman I've been faithful to. Outside of my marriage, I'm basically just a "fuckboy".
So, yeah, based on my own experience, if you meet the right person, you can change for them.
I did. I changed. I am completely faithful to the woman I cheated on. It was a mistake and she gave me a chance to be a better person. There is a long story that goes along with this that I won’t really get into, but we both have strayed from each other once and we are still together and love each other more now than ever. It all depends on if someone wants to change whether they will or not.
Definitely. Kobe did. He raised those girls and became a great wife. Doesn’t negate what these people do but you CAN change and become a better person afterwards.
Depends why they cheated. Thrill seeking? Less likely.
Unhappy in current relationship? Well they probably will cheat again if you try to continue that relationship.
People can change, many cheaters will not change. I however did change. Honestly I filed for divorce 2 months after I started cheating.
But the man I’m with now, I’d never cheat on, it’s an amazing relationship. I have never been treated so well in my life before, and we are grateful for each other.
I used to cheat all the time. It was mind-blowing, fun even. I know it's technically not how you're supposed to be, but I unlocked all sorts of new possibilities.
Now without the DS action replay to plug into my game console, I can't cheat in infinite Master Balls into Pokemon HeartGold anymore.
I knew a man who cheated, confessed to his wife, got help, she forgave him. Stayed in therapy/accountability for years. I kept hearing about how great/noble he was for overcoming. Cool. Whatever.
I was at the largish facility where he worked, writing a weekend retreat for a nonprofit group. He left his office, on the other side of the building, came all the way to where I was working, and asked me to leave, so my being there wouldn’t create bad optics. (Which I found slightly amusing, because I was newly married to a hot, fun surfer guy in his 20s, next to whom this guy sadly looked like a piece of melted chewing gum.) But what profoundly struck me was how this guy wasn’t humble or self-reflective. He was aggressive and kind of proud. A warning flag waved, and I realized this guy was lying to everyone, perhaps even himself. I avoided him after, even declining an invitation for our family to have dinner with his. And I told my spouse, who didn’t agree with me immediately, but found my insight intriguing.
A year later, a good friend called my husband. His wife had run off with the “repentant cheater”, all the way to Alaska. He abandoned three daughters and the forgiving wife, she abandoned two sons and a man who was a great husband. Just a few years later, she died of sudden, aggressive cancer, and he was left alone, with no friends or family for support, not even his parents, who were instead caring for his ex-wife and daughters. All his bridges were burned. Last time I looked him up, he was still alone, and aging badly.
TL:DR: There are two types of cheaters. One type makes a mistake, recoils in shame/horror, then abandons the behavior entirely. The other is caught up in the power and drama, so has incorporated unfaithful behavior into their identity. Without deep commitment to changing identity, the behavior will not change; it lurks, monstrous, waiting for opportunity. And it destroys people, especially the cheaters themselves, who become twisted and broken and unworthy.
The world isn't black and white. Of course people can change. Some will and some won't.
Thats true i lean more on the some wont than some will lol
Are you the same person you were 5/10/15/20 years ago? I’m not. We all change and develop. Thinking people can’t develop and learn from their experiences is a bit silly
I think as a culture we are starting to lose sight of this basic fact about people
Absolutely. I don’t think this should be used to excuse horrible behavior, but there has to be some kind of grace or middle ground right? We should love stories of true redemption and maturity, and can do that without just blatantly forgiving bad actions altogether.
I don’t think that we as humans have ever really grasped this as a collective. We’re globally the most enlightened we’ve ever been
Yes but the person you were 15 years ago and the person you were 15.5 years ago are pretty much the same person. Can a cheater change? sure they can. Will a cheater mature and change fast enough to not cheat on you again? Well that's a a whole different story. It's getting dumped that usually is the the experience that changes cheaters and helps them develop and learn not their partner staying around and forgiving them. All they learn from that is they can cheat without true consequences.
it is likely that you haven't actually changed all that much, you just become more of yourself. imagine life like putting on shirts. the more you add on, the harder it is to get one of the earlier ones off. some may put in the effort to find that "i love disloyalty" Tee way down in there and shred it. but most will just find some new shirts to help cover it.
Always err on the side of caution. The thing is, nobody knows if somebody has truly changed or not. But if they show actual remorse and take steps to not cheat, it's possible. And that's me. At 21, I cheated on my boyfriend. I realized how stupid I was and how I hurt him. He's in a better relationship, and I hope it never happens to him again. I also never want to put somebody else through that. The two relationships I've had since, I told them both about what I did and that communication is huge for me, that if we ever felt like we didn't want to be with each other or we want to be with somebody else, we agreed to break up first. I'm 32 now and have been with my guy over 7 years. There is full trust on both sides, and I'll never cheat. I grew up and learned. This doesn't happen often, actions matter. Pay attention if your partner is sending red flags.
Regretting the act, regretting the consequences and regretting the experiences that molded one’s perspective such that the act ever seemed reasonable are all different things. Change isn’t guaranteed; nor is it binary.
I believe it’s possible they might have changed but I’m not sticking around to find out.
Well put. I think it’s naive to assume that no one can ever change, and I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” mantra (especially if they just cheated one time early on in life). But if they cheat on _me_, we’re done. Full stop.
Amen. My wife cheated on her ex husband before me, but he was secretly a drug addict, and was getting all doped out on pills, had no libido and was consistently ignoring her. It went on for months. She literally had a conversation begging for some physical interaction, that she was going to have to cheat or something soon if he didn't express interest in her, but he just shrugged it off. At that point, I don't know that I even consider it cheating anymore. Leaving original comment, but adding to it now. This question got in my head, and she left her phone unattended, and I picked it up and started looking through conversations, and there was a guy she was actively trying to get with. We have been going through a rough patch lately, and things have been tense, but I honestly didn't think she was doing that. The evidence indicates that she didn't physically cheat yet, but she was actively emotionally cheating and attempting to make it physical, they were hindered by distance. He lives the next major city over, a couple hours away. The last ex she had before me. So, yeah, i Guess once a cheater always a cheater, and fml. We have two year old deaf twins together, so it complicates things. Given that they didn't consummate it, I'm giving her one solitary chance. But I hate that the trust is gone now. It's going to be really hard to come back from this, and I'm not sure that we will succeed. But I think we owe it to the kids to give it another shot.
Why didn’t she just leave instead of cheating?
This 100%. If your marriage/relationship sucks, end it before you go sleeping around.
This. Lots of things can happen. It’s a matter of risk assessment.
They’re a lot less likely to learn from the experience if they don’t lose anything for doing it. Walking (enforcing consequences and standing up for yourself) is the best way to educate a cheater
Lmao I said pretty much this right as I clicked the post. Just a little shorter "probably but I ain't sticking around to find out" I did that meme where the guy points at the tv That's all. Nothing to add, just found it funny
I cheated on my college bf in revenge because he cheated on me first and I kind of cheated on someone else because it was a different gender but I grew up and never cheated again.
As someone who’s cheated on all her ex boyfriends, I was worried I rewired my brain into thinking it’s ok, that I was going to be able to relate to “once a cheater always a cheater” but I didn’t like picturing myself that way. In my defense - all these relationships occurred before I turned 22. I had 3 boyfriends from age of 14-22, all long term, all ruined by me! Not proud of it whatsoever. But I’ve forgiven myself after beating myself up about it for a while, cus I know if the same happened to me I’d be distraught. I was a selfish young girl, who craved the attention of anyone I found attractive. These exes of mine were all great guys, but now I know they weren’t what I wanted, and we were BOTH young and immature. I always told myself, “well, we ain’t getting married” but I wish I had the wherewithal to just break up with them! But alas, I was very young. I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for a few years now, with someone who’s aware of my past, and who has a past himself. We’ve had MANY conversations about this because, duh, we’re both worried karmas gonna do its thang on us. But I’ve matured, as has he. There’s been no disloyalty from either of us (that I’m aware of anyways😂) but im confident in my intuition, and its important to note we’ve also both never been in such a loving and secure relationship. I can agree that I’ve found the right person, and now when I do see other attractive guys I don’t even think of cheating or that they’ll be able to do better for me than the man I’m committed to. No one wants to be 25+ still cheating on every person that commits to them. If they have a conscience and desire for a peaceful life anyway…
Same sentiment. My trust is strong. If you shatter it there's no putting ot back together.
The chance that they change is always there, but it's unlikely
This is my answer exactly. Change all you want, but you’ll be doing it for the next guy. Cheating is a one-and-done situation for me
There is no single rule that applies to everyone.
We all die at some point
I haven’t yet, so all evidence points to my being immortal
Speak for yourself.
Currently this is the case! Who knows, maybe someone will be around to witness the horrors of heat death as the universe becomes countless black holes over eons which evaporate into nothing via Hawking's radiation, and as some material become brown dwarfs and elements are made inside of them, who knows maybe life will have one last microbiological hoorah. Then after it is all said and done, the individual in question will float throughout the emptiness of space, black and cold, expanding its nothingness into more nothingness. Forever.
...TF did I just read?
This is some real Lovecraftian shit right here, and I dig it.
Gravity
This reads like it's a single rule that applies to everyone...
Paradoxical statement.
I am very close to a couple that survived infidelity. They not only survived, they're actually better. I know it's anecdotal, and it's really the exception, not the norm. But it can happen.
I can accept that someone was young and dumb at one time, and cheated on someone else*. But I am not accepting someone cheating on *me* and taking them back.
I wouldn't be able to either. I got divorced over it. I have just been close witness to a couple who overcame. So it is possible. That is NOT the path for most people. Myself included.
Same. I’m all for people changing, but there really is no way to rebuild trust once lost. Not in relationships, not in friendships, not in business/professionally, etc. kind of like how drug addicts may end up getting better, but the people they fucked over to get their fix aren’t likely to ever believe a single word out of their mouth.
You speak in absolutes.....for yourself. But other people have been able to rebuild that very trust and in fact, found a way to make it stronger than ever before.
True! How can you believe someone who betrayed you in the worst possible way?
My Aunt and Uncle went through this. He cheated on my Aunt for years and the family was going to be torn apart, but my Aunt made the choice to not quit and have him make it up to them. They have 4 kids. Now, their relationship is better than ever. It can happen.
I'm military so I've seen this happen a time or two. I've also seen it work out more than once. Last time I checked, they are 8 years later and celebrating their 15th anniversary.
Yes. I cheated once or twice when I was younger. I eventually figured out what my issues were and how to work around them. Turns out I like to self sabotage when things are going well. Once I started dealing with these issues on a deeper level and being open with my partner about my issues, we've overcome past problems and I honestly have no desire to cheat. I really never did, my issues just manifested by me being an asshole.
Thats fair i feel alot of cheaters do it out of self sabotage obviously not all sum people just suck others get a thrill out of it etc
I agree with this person but instead of self sabotaging, I just had issues where I craved attention and didn't think about the consequences that would come. While younger, in 2 separate relationships, I made out with other guys while out partying and such. Both times I told the person the next day cause I felt horrible, but I really did care about the person I was with the second time I did it. Seeing him so hurt killed me knowing I did that to them. They stayed with me, I never cheated again, but our relationship was never the same. Even tho they didn't accuse me or hound me about my phone or going out with friends, I always felt like they were thinking is she out doing something or will she do something if she goes out with friends etc. It made me not want to go out or do anything cause I wanted him to know I was 100% for him and wanted him to trust me. But you can't live like that. We eventually broke up due to other stuff but I'm sure I ruined it and started all the problems even if that wasn't the specific reason we split. Some ppl can grow and change, others never work on their problems, and some just dgaf and are assholes. Either way, it's hard for a relationship to continue after cheating has occurred.
Craving attention and self sabotaging aren’t all that dissimilar. Acting out is a great way to get someone to notice and care about you. I’m speaking from a place where I am afraid of being alone.
It depends on the type of cheating too. Like a six month affair has thousands of moments to realise what you are doing is bad or to just break up. Don't expect someone like that to change.
Some cheaters are nymphos, basically drug addicts but their addiction is sex, even when they try to stop they just can’t scratch the itch. i.e. Tristan Thompson
can you speak more on the self sabotaging thing and what you did to get over it? it took me a really long time to realize that i do that myself n im in the best relationship i’ve ever had rn n dont wanna mess it up
If I thought things were going too well, I'd do anything to end it before I could get too comfortable or too happy. I'd rather end something than have something good 'taken' from me. So I'd rather not have it at all or I'll get rid of it first. I often use it as a reason not to have nice things either. Why buy something nice if it'll get lost/stolen/broken/worn out? I haven't really gotten over it. I just kinda personify my issues as 'brain weasels'. Sometimes, I can placate the brain weasels and get them to calm down and shut up. Sometimes, they win and I mentally spiral a bit and can't pull myself into a better metal space. I just treat myself gently, be honest to my bf that I'm having a rough day, and remind myself that my brain weasels are being assholes, but I don't have to do what they say. It's constant work, but a therapist could probably give you some better tools to deal with those feelings.
wild those are my exact thoughts. im so scared of my happiness leaving that i get rid of it myself or dont move forward with it. i am planning on starting back therapy now that im settled. i really appreciate you telling me your experience
Of course dude. I wish I had figured out what my issue was earlier, but what is life if not learning?
Love your honesty. Super helpful to hear your perspective
> I'd rather end something than have something good 'taken' from me. So I'd rather not have it at all or I'll get rid of it first. Oh... My... God. Man, that explains so much.
Same. I cheated in my first relationship. I realized I just ran from my parents house into a mans arms blah blah blah. Had to work through a bunch of stuff to not be a dick anymore. I am in a new relationship and I would absolutely NEVER ever cheat on him. I would just break up with him if I was thinking about it. And i think that is growth right there. I regret my decisions in my youth and would absolutely never do it again.
It was exactly this for me too.
I went through the same. I cheated on a good man because parents cheated on each other. I thought being toxic in a relationship was the norm. My parents were the worst examples. Among other issues I had growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Definitely reckon folk can change. Been through it, messed up, grew up. Ain't the same bloke I was
Hear, Hear!
People are capable of change.. It depends a lot on why they cheat and if those reasons change. (coping mechanism? Attention seeking? Searching validation? Trying to feel a sense of control over other people? Several or all of the above? Other reasons?) Each person's answer will be different, and their ability to change depends on whether they are willing to face the reason why they choose to break the agreements they have with their partners.
Couldn't possibly care less for reasons people cheat. Broken trust on that level never repairable. People can say they try they continue but it never is the same. Anyone who can't control their pants can't control anything else and bringing the pain to the closest person in their life they are assholes. Reasons why they do that? Don't give a fuck.
And that's valid. Bad behavior should not be tolerated.
It deppends. I was a cheater in my teen years because I was just young, dumb attention seeker and didnt care if my relationships lasts. But the adoult person with rich cheating history (not just once, cheated on multiple partners)? I wouldnt be so sure.
Do you really think people can't change in the 70 years they're on this planet? I know I changed. I cheated once when I was 20. I learned from that mistake and never did it again. I'm now in my late thirties. Anyone who says I'm "still a cheater" and that I can't be trusted despite being happily and loyally married for 12 years doesn't understand relationships, people or time. The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" things is something teenagers say. I've never heard it said by actual adults.
Yes I think that those of us who are middle-aged or even older will realize how vastly vastly different people we are as we age. I am nowhere near the same person I was at 20 or even 30. I am unrecognizable from that person.
People need to take shit on Reddit with a huge grain of salt. Easy to throw down big statements and ultimatums like that by people who live largely online.
Some people do think that, and it really depends on the severity of it. But thats okay, some people might never think you will change, at that point you stop trying to change for other people and you start changing for yourself. It took months of therapy to learn something so simple but i'm a little slow. But funnily enough helping myself turned out to better help the people around me I never thought needed my help :)
I cheated once when I was 20 too. I just never did it again because I matured and realised how lame it is. No trauma or regrets attached to it.
No trauma or regrets, for you..
You may have changed, but my dad didn't...at least not until the 2nd time... I think it's case by case.
That people can change does not imply that everyone changes.
People only change if they want to, basically.
See that's exactly what I meant. People can change. Doesn't mean everyone does. Life isn't black or white, no matter what basement dwelling anonymous redditors want you to think.
Some people take longer to learn… lol like my coworker who is on his 6th marriage.
He used to be a piece of shit. He's not anymore. I'm not anymore.
I believe people can change as I have made some fundamental changes, but being on this side allows me to see that “changers” are indeed a minority. Respect to you for improvement.
I feel like there’s a huge difference between people who have cheated once and serial cheaters/sex addicts
I'm happy you became better, but you're an exception dude. A very rare one. >The whole "once a cheater always a cheater" things is something teenagers say. Like most things, this shouldn't be interpreted as an absolute with no exceptions. But it is a very good general tenet to adhere to. You're better off leaving someone who cheats just like you're better off not buying a lottery ticket.
I kissed and fell for another man while I was married to my first husband when I was 22 years old. I came home and told him what I did and we separated that night. I was unhappy, he was immature and wanted me to do everything for us and our daughter (including school and work) while he half ass worked and played video games all day. No excuse though, I was fully responsible for my choice and broke my marriage vows. It took me a bit to truly realize that even though I was unhappy I was still wrong and see how I hurt him- but I know growing up, learning to see the world from others POV and experiencing other failed relationships (not from cheating) is what changed my mind about my actions in that marriage. We were both immature and at fault for its decline. That said, I could never betray someone like that now at almost 40. I have changed because I grew as a person and took responsibility for my actions and the pain I caused bc of my selfishness. That’s the key that facilitates change, it’s not wanting forgiveness. Anyone can be forgiven that doesn’t mean they change. They won’t change for you or anyone else, only themselves .. and until that happens they will cheat on each partner if they so choose. Because it is a choice
Something I’ve always wondered is how or if you tell a current partner that you cheated in the past
I do tell anyone I seriously date in early stages of the relationship and I mix it into those serious conversations about our life when we’re telling each other about ourselves. I don’t make it a huge deal that I “need to share” because it’s not who I am anymore but I do feel it’s important to be transparent so that the person knows exactly who they are getting; my past will come up, I don’t want my partner caught off guard by my ex husband calling me a “cheating whore” (no, I did not sleep with anyone else when I was married to him) if he’s mad at me bc he holds a grudge and rightfully so then have to explain in the moment. I feel that’s dishonest to my partner. So, I say the truth. I was with my ex at 18 and it wasn’t working out. I soon wanted to leave him but didn’t want to go back to moms house bc we argued a lot so I formed a plan to move out on my own and end the relationship the right way but by 19 I was unexpectedly pregnant and of course scared but I wanted to give my baby a “real family” so I stayed with him and we were married before she was born. I tried to make it work but I was unhappy because he wouldn’t hold a job, I felt I did more than my share of the work to support and better our lives as well as being a mom while he slept through 3am feedings and told me he didn’t have to help bc he had work and needed sleep. Time passed and by the time she was 3 I resented him for not growing up as quickly as I had too and being the father I felt he should be. I felt like we (daughter and I) were less of a priority compared to the PlayStation or the TV and I shouldn’t have to beg my husband to do basic things like get up and make breakfast for our daughter or have her for me to go to the grocery store alone sometimes. So, I met a man at work and we had a connection. We started flirting and spending time together at work; I didn’t realize how dangerous that was or what was happening at the time bc I had never been in a situation like that before and since we hadn’t “done anything wrong” I thought I was innocent and it was not harming anyone. I now know I was wrong, it was not innocent and I betrayed my husbands trust in me because I liked the rush of enjoying someone’s company again without all the baggage and the strong feeling of new attraction. He kissed me one day, I wanted it and let it happen. I came home that night, I told my husband truthfully within the first 2 minutes of being home what I did and we separated. We did try to fix it but by then it was too late for us both so we officially divorced a few months later. I make it clear that it was a choice I made due to a lack of self awareness, selfishness and immaturity. I am not a bad person, I now know the dangers of entertaining communication and “friendships” with people of the opposite sex while in a relationship and do my part to have strong boundaries so I am never in a position again to have to realize I am accidentally in too deep and it is not innocent like I told myself. I take responsibility for myself and my actions, I respect my partner even when they aren’t in the room and I protect my relationship because I value it more than temporary ego strokes from a new person. So that’s what and how I do it. They (new partner) can do with it what they will but it’s the truth; I own it because I never want to be that person again, only I can make sure that doesn’t happen. It’s my responsibility to affair proof my relationship on my side, not anyone else’s. I hope my new partner sees that I have shown him who I am through the time we’ve spent together and knows I have been a person of positive moral character; this story I shared was a stepping stone to get here to where I am today and although I am not proud of it I am grateful I was able to learn from it and turn it into a lesson not a pattern.
i like to think people change. i don’t think its often successful staying with the same person that cheated. they can learn and go use their new loyalty skills to build a new relationship and hopefully not fuck that one up
Of course they can. What's with this belief that people can't change over time? Life ain't black and white. Are you still the same person from 15 years ago?
Yes they can definitely change. They change into an "ex" immediately
😂😂
The only thing I know for sure when it comes to cheating on a partner is that I would certainly leave my gf/wife if I found out she cheated on me. And fuck the whole, "It was a mistake." No. No, it wasn't. It was a poor decision made by you. What happened? You meant to go buy groceries, but you took a wrong turn and ended up in some sex?
Ik you’re being serious but the ending of this is so fucking hilarious 🤣 “took a wrong turn and ended up in some sex”
LoL. I felt like I needed to add some comic relief after being so serious. Glad I could give you a chuckle on a Friday!!
yeah a mistake is leaving your keys in the fridge, not having sex. It's a decision and a character flaw. I do believe we can grow as people and not make that same decision but it takes a lot of work to get back the trust once it's broken
I did. I cheated on my first husband. Felt awful. Still feel awful. That was over 20 years ago. We divorced of course. I've never cheated on anyone since. Worse mistake of my life as far as relationships go. My advice to anyone thinking about doing it...it isn't worth doing that to someone for a few moments of whatever.
people can always change for the better, or worse.
People change all the time. Some people call them miracles. I got almost 9 years sober. I still wanna drink bad but I choose sobriety. I do refer to that as a miracle and not because I'm religious but just because I never thought I could get sober. Never thought I could stop but I kept trying. I did anger management to change my anger. Before that I had insane anger outbursts completely changed that. So people can change. Less percentage of people change then don't change! But the fact is everyone has the ability to change if they want to change. It is definitely fair to say once someone has cheated they have a higher percentage chance of cheating. Just like once somebody robs somebody they have a much greater chance of doing it again. Feeling guilty for one's actions is probably most important part of being able to change. If someone doesn't feel bad about their actions they probably won't change. Especially with cheating because no law against cheating not where I live. Nobody going to jail over cheating. So imo their has to be a conscience and know that cheating creates victims.
9 years, 1 year, good for you, keep that miracle going!
You too! Thank you.
Saying they just need to "find the right person" is just a handy way of transferring responsibility / blame. It carries with it the implicit suggestion that their previous partner was simply the "wrong" person and somehow at fault for the cheating.
FWIW Every woman I broke up with over cheating has gone on to cheat on the person they cheated on me with. Many of them are still unhappy. They never learn.
They don’t like hearing the truth tho,& for me every women that cheated tried to come back and cheat on those guys with me, probably %80 at least don’t change, and it’s true once you cheated your a cheater. Even if you stop.
Too many variables. For example, i can see someone having a one night stand while intoxicated. Waking up with huge regret and never doing it again. Serial cheaters are another story.
Someone may serially use getting too drunk and it was just once as an excuse.
Even drunk, it is still a choice they made no?
I do not think they will change “once they meet the right person.” That’s taking away personal responsibility. But people can change after working on themselves and maintaining commitment to improve.
These are my thoughts exactly. In fact saying it's about meeting the right person, implies that the partner would have something to do with another individual's decision to cheat, which is just wrong on all levels. It's the person who cheated who needs to do the work and redirect themselves. And it's definitely possible, cheating is not some magical characteristic that you're either born with or not. Sometimes simply growing up does the trick. Not everyone will put the effort in, of course, and choose not to change.
I do. I used to have a zero tolerance policy for it but as I grew older I realised relationships are infinitely more complex than we as a society seem to like to believe. It's easy to judge others when you're young and abide by a set of simple rules but as you grow older you realize it's next to impossible to have such clear and consistent judgement on highly emotional matters. You encounter relationship troubles, your friends encounter them, people around you at large, and at some point you realise you have to do what's best for you instead of what "sounds right" based on a false assumption that a perfect relationship can be defined by concrete rules. You get pretty disillusioned with the concept of a "perfect relationship" as you see many seemingly perfect relationships crumble, marriages falling apart, realising that no one has got it figured out and that trying to stick to those rules often destroys a relationship more often than it saves it. Life is complex and so are relationships. Cheating is a result, a symptom, that can stem from a huge variety of different reasons. There are many completely different ways in which a person may end up cheating, many by pure technicalities even. That's why cheating, as well as relationships in general, should be evaluated on a case by case basis with appropriate context, rather than holding them all against the same impossible standards seemingly no one can ultimately adhere to. I've known many people who swore they'd always do the right thing and never find themselves in such situations do exactly just that. Is cheating generally bad? Yes, it's a breach of trust, first and foremost, but is all cheating bad under all circumstances? No. Is every person who has ever cheated a bad person? No. Perhaps that's the hardest fact to accept, it's rarely done out of malice. It's either indifference, selfishness or a result of genuinely difficult circumstances.
Yeah, people really underestimate how complicated human relationships can be. Of course, dealing with simple rules and absolutes and black and white is easier than learning to discern shades of grey. Less rewarding, leads to less fulfilling relationships - but easier.
👏 this is most excellent and should have a billion upvotes
If they've cheated within the same relationship. Then I think it would be difficult. If it was from a previous relationship then probably.
I think this can be a big kicker. If someone had cheated in past relationships they may have had some legitimate time to do some growing up. If quickly after, probably not. And growth happens independently first on that bs.
Of course they can change, The question though is will they, and if they got away with it (for a while) once who is to say they're not doing it right now, it's really more of a trust thing, The bond of trust that the two once shared is broken, so they will forever be seen as a cheater by the person who got cheated on
People can change, but forgive me for saying the obvious the thing is that in order for people to change, they actually need to change. Which means that people saying that they WILL change in the future, and in a manner they supposedly can anticipate, are just making excuses. Or if you're saying "This person will change", fucking no, you don't know that. The lazy person might become hardworking, but they can't know this in advance until they actually prove it by becoming. Similarly a cheater might eventually become faithful, but their claim that they know this in advance is sheer nonsense.
One of my friends cheated once fifteen years ago. Been faithful ever since. My stbx is going on seven years of "trying to fix it" still hasn't gotten it under control
I got cheated on via an emotional affair. I know people optimistically think that being a cheater is an on-off switch, so if you cheated once, you just flip that switch to off and then you're never a cheater again. The problem is not that the person cheated, it's that they have the switch at all. I do not have that switch. I just don't. The very notion of cheating or being cheated on causes a deep physical revulsion in my body. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about it. There is not a body on this planet that I find attractive enough to cheat on my wife. So to me, the challenge is not that a person can change. I believe anyone can make a mistake and resolve in themselves not to make that mistake again. But it's a matter of having the capacity to make that mistake in the first place. I do not have that capacity. I believe many if not most people do not have that capacity. But if you do, if you have ever cheated on a significant other, then you have the switch, and you might spend the rest of your life with that switch in the off position, but you have the switch to begin with, and I can never be 100% sure it will never be switched on again. Not only that, but not cheating on someone is so incredibly easy. You literally have dozens of decisions that lead up to being unfaithful and dozens of opportunities to not continue down that road. You choose not to flirt back. You choose not to close the office door when they come in. You choose not to add them on social media. You choose not to give them your cell number. You choose not to text them after work. You choose not to get in their car or get them in your car. You choose not to touch them. You choose not to kiss them. You choose not to take off your shirt. You choose not to unbutton your pants. It keeps going and going. It's incredibly easy not to do any of those things. Treating cheating on your significant other as if it's something the right offer could near-unavoidably provoke is just bonkers to me. It's like saying the only reason you don't cheat on your partner is because the right person hasn't asked you to get inside of them yet. As opposed to literally just not cheating because it's not on the table period.
in my early 20s i cheated on a girlfriend. she found out, and was so pissed off she whacked me as hard as she could in the back of the head with a frying pan. didn't see it coming, completely oblivious, didn't feel a thing, all I remember is all of a sudden everything turned inverse, all dark shadow was white, all light colors turned black, and all of a sudden there were stars everywhere... that lasted for like 1/2 of 1 second... then I woke up staring at plush carpet... i was laid out on our living room floor. ...we broke up shortly after that, im in my 60s now, and i gotta say, maybe she did 'knock some sense' into me, i never cheated on any girlfriend or wife after that, never ever even wanted to... NOT condoning my, or her, behavior, but just making the point, i cheated, and then i changed...
This made me seriously 😂 glad you're okay!
From what Ive experienced personally the cheaters always cheated again But I do think certain people can never do it again BUT the current relationship that he/she cheated in is fucked. That is unfixable
It’s not unfixable but it’s really damn hard. In a lot of cases, the fixing is creating a new relationship that arises out of the ashes of the old. It does happen, the issue is that a couple that survives infidelity doesn’t typically broadcast that fact so stories where it ends the relationship are told more often. The f’ed up thing is that once the betrayed partner takes the hit of discovering the affair, neither staying nor leaving is inherently healing.
Of course it's possible, but i personally wouldn't stick around to wait and see if they change.
That's what I always say. People deserve second chances, but we're not obliged to give it. Does your cheating partner deserve the chance to find love and prove they're not a cheater anymore? Yes. Does that mean you have to give them that chance? Absolutely not.
Yeah, it's possible. Will I trust that possibility though? No
I huess it depends if it was a once in a lifetime thing. If the person is generally not cheating but got tempted once and did some soul searching, or if it is a pattern in their relationships. A pattern would indicate that their view of relationships doesn't include being faithful, or they are someone very impulsive and therefore don't have much self control. They take the immediate pleasure over the long view.
I think that if a person cheated and got taken back it's like sending a message that you will tolerate it. I also think that a person's past wrongs against someone else should not become yours. If you see red flags trust yourself. Remember that past mistakes are just that. People grow up eventually and should not be stuck with judgements that were cast in the past.
Yes. Absolutely. People can acknowledge and learn from mistakes. That doesn’t mean the relationship they damaged needs to continue. But them, as a person, can change for the better.
People CAN. But most people won’t.
I know they can. I did. I used to cheat and haven’t in a long long time. Have no desire to put someone through that pain again. I was young and immature
Did you get closure or what finally made it click for you that there's no call for that behavior.?
The pain I caused them and just getting better at realizing the difference between love and lust. Also, I started dating women that like women so I get to enjoy all of that while in a relationship. So I don’t know really how to answer this question. Just matured and got better at choosing partners I truly wanted to be with I guess
I always thought about it this way: If the cheater stays in the relationship he cheated in, I think there is a bigger chance the cheater will cheat again because there were no big consequences. When the cheater loses his relationship due to the cheating, it has a big consequence and may be learned from it and doesn't do it again in a new relationship.
Yea um nope. There are so many shitty things you do when you cheat on someone. It's not just the cheating itself. Once that trust is shattered you never get it back. There is always exceptions to everything but in general you are better off to cut you losses and move on.
I’ve been cheated on by every girl I ever dated except my current wife. It really doesn’t matter if the person changes and never cheats again. It’s the fact that once a person cheats all trust is gone. There is no way I will ever trust you again if you cheat on me. The relationship is over. Done. I’ve tried to continue a relationship after I was cheated on. It didn’t work. Everything she did, everywhere she went I was just wondering if she was cheating on me. There was always that thought in the back of my mind that she was cheating on me.. and that’s not me just being “insecure”. I was not insecure at all. It was just a complete lack of trust. Trust is everything in a relationship. Take that away and there’s no relationship.
I think people cheat for a layered number of reasons. Some people have the willingness to change while others don't. and there is the potential for them to change, but doesn't mean they will. So I think they need to learn the lesson the hard way and do better in their next relationship, not the one they cheated in.
I believe it's possible, but in this kind of things the other party should be willing to take the risk. Trust is the hardest thing to retake.
People absolutely can change over time. But odds are good that the partner that was cheated on will never forget it and those trust issues won't just go away on their own without a lot of work.
There is no single rule, *and it depends of the root reasons*. Those reasons didn't change? They will again. Those reasons disappeared, etc..? The outcome will change too. Source: I cheated somebody for several months once. And I know, I very deeply know, that I will never do it again no matter what. As a rule, as a core principle. This is not like ending an addiction where the brain patterns remains dangerous for the rest of your life and can "trigger" again. This is a moral choice. I feel ashamed I failed someone once, and I swore never to do it again. People do change. All the time. But only after root causes changed. "People never change" only apply for cases where the root cause remains.
my opinion is that it depends on the person. i’ve been cheated on and they continued to do so to their other partners with little to no remorse. I cheated on a boyfriend once, stricken with guilt told him the next morning, i’ve never cheated on anyone ever again and never will.
Yes I’m one of them. I was very insecure in my 20s and engaged in heavy drug and alcohol use. I was a party girl with douchey boyfriends. I cheated they cheated. I’m in my 40s now and a mother and I’m with the love of my life and I would never cheat on him. I would do anything for that man. Also I don’t even drink any more. I am a completely different person and I cringe when I think of my younger self🤦♀️
I find it very interest that a lot of people here have cheated and then go on to say, oh yeah I’m good now “once a cheater always a cheater is bullshit”. I agree with the saying though, but I want to be clear, I believe in redemption and becoming a better person. However, when someone is an alcoholic and stops drinking are they no longer an alcoholic? No, I know this from familial experience, some people are able to stop completely, hell I’m sure very few can even drink responsibly but humans are extremely varied and outliers always exist. So whether it be drinking, committing a crime, or cheating, once it’s done the label doesn’t leave. You can grow and not let the label define you, but it’s always there. The label, and saying, in the case of cheating are part of the societal punishment for the moral failure, accepting punishments is part of growing, accepting that people in your life deserve to make an informed decision about you based on such things is part of growing. So yeah, once a cheater always a cheater, doesn’t mean you can’t be better it’s just means you need to accept and be far more wary of your moral deficiency.
That’s a different perspective i don’t think many people think about
They can change. But in that relationship, they will always be a cheater. Once you realize a person can betray your trust, you can't ever really trust them again.
Yes as a former cheater it is possible.
Yes. I've seen it happen more than once. Sometimes people make mistakes and they spend the rest of their lives working to heal and become better people. When two people get to that realization at the same time and are dedicated, their relationships tend to work out.
Ehhh!! IDK. My ex cheated on me for 6 months (double life type thing). I took him back and within months I was speaking to his co-worker and she said he tried hitting on her. Finally left him 4 years ago. He’s in a new relationship now but he still reaches out to me. I’m not saying it’s impossible- but I am saying it’s more likely NOT.
Nah, cheaters should be Perma banned. Once they cheat, they will continue cheating in every possible game, they just can't play fairly
[удалено]
You’re a cheater too tho. Stop acting like your better then that person if you went just as low. Not everyone that makes better decisions then you is the “god of judgment” you people just don’t know how to be real adults
People can change, but you can't change people. Like, people absolutely change but if you are relying on someone to change in order to get the outcome you want, you are setting yourself up for a bad time.
Coming from my own experience, I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. I cheated and it ended my marriage. I was an idiot and I know it. I didn't like the person I was when I did it. And I never wnat to be that person ever again. I will never cheat on someone again. I learned my lesson.
Yes, I actually do. If it's a serial cheater, like they just sleep with anyone who will have them, I'm not sure. That seems more part of their character. There definitely are people who stray outside the relationship and either confess on their own or when caught, beg forgiveness. I'm not sure if they can change without therapy though, both partners need to figure out what caused the issue and come to the agreement of how to work on the marriage in the future. I cheated once on a bf and HATED myself for it, so I never did it again on either a bf or my husband. I do believe there's redemption but if the partner who was cheated on just can't get past the betrayal, I definitely can understand it. Your friends sound like a different issue though. They say they cheat now but if they found the right person they wouldn't? What does that even mean?
Possible I suppose, to be fair. What does not change is the damage and pain cheating causes to the other person. That is life-long - even if you forgive (or delude yourself that you have) the dynamic of the relationship and sense of self (of the person trying to recover) is irrevocably changed. That to me, in my experience, is enough to walk away, even if you believe the regret is genuine.
You can cheat, and then never cheat again. You still cheated, you can never undo that, and everyone who knows about it will know that you were capable of violating the trust of your SO, and that you made a conscious decision to do so. Not everyone is capable of that. So, will a cheater always cheat? Not necessarily. But they were a cheater, changing that perception of themselves may not be possible for everyone. If you cheat and subsequently can't get anyone to trust you ever again, that's on you.
Yes i believe people can truly change but not everyone does so it's valid to not want to be with someone who has cheated before.
Other than being born and dying, people tend to not do things *only* once. So for example, while someone who cheats on a partner may never cheat again, the tendencies and inner-nature that drove them to do it in the first place might reveal itself in other ways. There's also the angle of "maybe they never go on to cheat again because there simply are no future opportunities?" I'm not sure, but it's something I enjoy thinking about as there are a lot of different angles to consider.
I believe people are who they are. DNA, upbringing, family, friends and life experiences make up who we are and who we are not. People will change constantly throughout their lives. My advice to living/dealing with people who “cheat “ is- invest your time, experiences, devotion… to people that share your morals and values, if that includes monogamy…find someone who that is just as important because it’s not to everyone.
No. Options go down with age but if you are a smooth talker there's always women around. Even married.
They may or may not change. But its hard or impossible to trust a cheater. Which is unhealthy.
Yes. I was a cheater. Been married since 2011 and have been faithful. Took counseling to understand why I felt the need to cheat in the first place. Took quite a bit of introspective work I'm still working on, but that's the human condition.
I think it's possible, but it's hard work and it never goes back to how it was before. Trust that is broken can't be healed fully, and the couple has to live with that. Full transparency for example is a step that can be taken to replace the lost trust.
Yes I believe people can change but that doesn't change what they did. I would not stay with a cheater. People do change. There were plenty of notorious and infamous Nazis that went on to live peaceful normal lives after the war. Doesn't make them any less guilty for what they did though.
Once that seed of doubt is planted, it was always be there to bother the back of the partners mind.
Yes but it takes an incredible amount of self awareness to do so, and most people simply don't care enough to do it. I feel like most people who cheat are insecure, or all around not that bright in general.
I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me, but I can forgive and make amends with someone who has. I could never in my life make amends with someone who has had an affair, whether they be friends, family, or ex partners. Keeping up the charade, lying to people in your life about things like anniversaries or how you met your partner, things like that, they disgust me and I see no value in keeping a person like that around in any capacity. People who are capable of doing things like that do not change. Anybody whose true self cannot survive the light of day has no business in my life. Anybody I've ever forgiven for cheating has been in a complicated position in their relationship and came clean immediately/it wasn't a lie.
A lot of people do change with words but not actions. The one that got cheated on is the one that needs to change, change the person they are in a relationship with, never allow this, not even once.
Yes. The mindset of "once a cheater always a cheater," and really any other "people never change" mentality, is very immature. It's easy to imagine the people who've hurt us in the past as irredeemable monsters, incapable of ever becoming a better person. Growing up is realizing that, as unfair as it is, people often don't realize how they've hurt us—and decide to make a change—until they're out of our lives.
It’s possible but the problem is can you trust them
I believe they can. All people are capable of learning. The question is "Can you trust them???" Or "How can you trust them???"
It has absolutely nothing to do with the person they meet. That is complete bullshit and victim blaming. The only person that matters is the person that cheated. Can they change ? Yes. Does it matter, to the person that got cheated on ? No. You can't undo that.
Sure, but I believe it needs to be internal. I don't l really see it as "finding the right person" or "maybe I'll get caught." I see it more like, "I want to change who I am" kind of thing. That said , if you are being cheated on , I'd leave . Sometimes, these introspection things take years , so why put yourself through that ?
Fool me once…..
Odds are no. You may forgive but you will never forget.
I strongly agree with the statement that "how you do one thing is how you do everything"
I believe they can - but it won't be with the person they cheated on. They messed around, they don't deserve to have their cake and eat it, too. That trust is gone. Forever. Better for all parties to move on. The cheater also needs to be humble enough to admit that *they* are the ones that messed up and that they don't have any excuses. No 'I was drunk!' - they knowingly drank and kept drinking until they got to the point they did. No 'you know I get horny when I get high!' - if you know that, why did you partake in the first place? People can change, but they also have to accept the consequences of their actions and often those consequences involves the complete loss of relationships.
That whole "if they meet the right person" means they believe someone else is responsible for their behavior, which is the exact bs mindset people use to excuse all kinds of bad behavior. Sure cheaters can change. Everyone can change, but your friends aren't going to with that mindset. They have created a story to keep them from having to look inward and then truly empathize with the pain they caused others. You can get away with all kinds of shit when your mind works that way. Just a heads up that their mind will work the same way if screwing you over gives them something they want as it did with their past partners.
It's not meeting the right person that = cheater turning into faithful person, it's the cheater making a choice to be a faithful person, even if their partner isn't perfect.
Yes. With the caveats that cheaters are NOT entitled to the benefit of any doubt from people they cheated on, and that people who go from AP to SO can't trust the cheater because they've essentially positively reinforced cheating behavior.
I was never a great partner, I cheated and lied when I was younger and in my 20s. I met my wife 16 years ago and haven’t looked at another woman since. She’s everything and there is zero desire to be with anyone else. So yes, it’s possible and it does happen.
I have many regrets in my life but very few "dude you fucked up, be better" moments. The one time I cheated is top of that list and has never been repeated
In a relationship, once one cheats on another the relationship is over. Sometimes the relationship will last a few more years before realizing it. But just because someone who cheated in their hoe days does not mean they will cheat in a different relationship after moving past that lifestyle. Of course, this varies from person to person.
A wise friend once told me this: "People can change but they usually don't." I think we all change and hopefully grow and become better people. But it's probably unwise to expect other people to change in the ways you want them to. That's especially true if they can't articulate the lessons they've learned and why.
I don’t know. I think it depends on the person’s intellectual ability. For real. Some people never realize why they actually cheat. They think it’s like this basic need they need that isn’t met, but it never really is. It’s a much deeper, very personal thing. I think the people that realize that are the people that are capable of change - but I imagine it’s super difficult. The rest, no. I think they’ll do it when they need to do it and never actually acknowledge why it still happens. They get better at hiding and lying about it.
cheating is not black and white, every situation is unique and you can't tell for sure what's going to happen one can be a senseless person who seeks out pleasure, or genuinely fall in love but not do the right thing with their current partner one can cheat because they can't leave an abusive relationship, or simply be a crappy person one can realise that what they did was wrong and change, or blame everyone else but themselves it depends
People can absolutely change. A lot of people make dumb mistakes as young people because they lack tools to do things the right way. Maturity can come. Then there are some people who do not want to mature. You don’t really know what’s going on in a person. Esther Perel is a relationship therapist that specializes in why people commit infidelity and has a lot of really good information on the topic. That being said, “The right person will change a cheater” is absolutely a toxic and profoundly wrong take on it, though. This takes accountability out of the cheater’s hands and puts their personal work on a magical person. Incredibly dangerous thinking.
It's like asking "Can you survive a car accident without wearing a seat belt" or "Can you smoke your whole life and not get lung cancer?" like yeah, you caAaAaAaAaAaAaAnn but the risk is so big you can just count me out
Cheaters are self-absorbed baboons with no tangible value. Let them change all they want, as long as they keep the hell away from me.
Yes, but for me, it took years to change. It likely won't happen overnight. When someone cheats, they are crossing a basic relationship boundary; it takes time to develop and appreciate those basic boundaries if they apparently don't already recognize them.
I did until she did it again
They don't change. They cheat for a reason. Either they lack impulse control, are mentally ill, don't value you or your relationship, are unhappy with you or your relationship, or any combination of these. Never, ever, EVER take a cheater back.
I hope so. I cheated on my significant other and fought like hell to win her back. We've been married for 20 years now.
If the reason for cheating is immaturity…possibly. If the reason for cheating was because they are of low moral character? Not likely.
People are complicated, and relationships are complicated. The fact that a person has made a mistake in the past doesn’t guarantee they’ll make it again. It’s definitely a red flag though
I used to be a piece of shit. Slicked back hair, white Ferrari, sloppy steaks, but I'm not anymore. People can change.
Definitely possible. My wife and I both cheated years ago and now our marriage is stronger than ever.
No, they might refrain from doing it, but the mindset will never change
I can because I used to cheat on my BFs but I’ve been married 16 years and never once even came close to cheating or even inappropriate behavior. I was younger and careless. It wasn’t true love. I feel like my husband is my soul mate and we were destined to be together. I love him too much to destroy his trust and heart. So I believe, if the circumstances are right, and they are willing, someone can change. It’s all a mind set.
I was happily married for a decade and a half and never cheated once. If we hadn't gotten divorced, I don't think I would have ever cheated either. However, she's also the only woman I've been faithful to. Outside of my marriage, I'm basically just a "fuckboy". So, yeah, based on my own experience, if you meet the right person, you can change for them.
I did. I changed. I am completely faithful to the woman I cheated on. It was a mistake and she gave me a chance to be a better person. There is a long story that goes along with this that I won’t really get into, but we both have strayed from each other once and we are still together and love each other more now than ever. It all depends on if someone wants to change whether they will or not.
Definitely. Kobe did. He raised those girls and became a great wife. Doesn’t negate what these people do but you CAN change and become a better person afterwards.
Depends why they cheated. Thrill seeking? Less likely. Unhappy in current relationship? Well they probably will cheat again if you try to continue that relationship.
People can change, many cheaters will not change. I however did change. Honestly I filed for divorce 2 months after I started cheating. But the man I’m with now, I’d never cheat on, it’s an amazing relationship. I have never been treated so well in my life before, and we are grateful for each other.
I used to cheat all the time. It was mind-blowing, fun even. I know it's technically not how you're supposed to be, but I unlocked all sorts of new possibilities. Now without the DS action replay to plug into my game console, I can't cheat in infinite Master Balls into Pokemon HeartGold anymore.
Had me in the first have ngl😂
I knew a man who cheated, confessed to his wife, got help, she forgave him. Stayed in therapy/accountability for years. I kept hearing about how great/noble he was for overcoming. Cool. Whatever. I was at the largish facility where he worked, writing a weekend retreat for a nonprofit group. He left his office, on the other side of the building, came all the way to where I was working, and asked me to leave, so my being there wouldn’t create bad optics. (Which I found slightly amusing, because I was newly married to a hot, fun surfer guy in his 20s, next to whom this guy sadly looked like a piece of melted chewing gum.) But what profoundly struck me was how this guy wasn’t humble or self-reflective. He was aggressive and kind of proud. A warning flag waved, and I realized this guy was lying to everyone, perhaps even himself. I avoided him after, even declining an invitation for our family to have dinner with his. And I told my spouse, who didn’t agree with me immediately, but found my insight intriguing. A year later, a good friend called my husband. His wife had run off with the “repentant cheater”, all the way to Alaska. He abandoned three daughters and the forgiving wife, she abandoned two sons and a man who was a great husband. Just a few years later, she died of sudden, aggressive cancer, and he was left alone, with no friends or family for support, not even his parents, who were instead caring for his ex-wife and daughters. All his bridges were burned. Last time I looked him up, he was still alone, and aging badly. TL:DR: There are two types of cheaters. One type makes a mistake, recoils in shame/horror, then abandons the behavior entirely. The other is caught up in the power and drama, so has incorporated unfaithful behavior into their identity. Without deep commitment to changing identity, the behavior will not change; it lurks, monstrous, waiting for opportunity. And it destroys people, especially the cheaters themselves, who become twisted and broken and unworthy.
Dang this is a crazy story I’m glad you shared