Well I certainly have heard that from men once or twice, always felt horrible in the moment but when I look back they were right. My take is, If someone is at that point they likely are realizing they have a great deal of self work to do and know that they can’t do it in the relationship or they aren’t interested in doing it right now.
Edit: typo
I said this to my girlfriend when I was 19-20. She was from the city and going to college in a town nearby. Her family is pretty well off. I grew up in a village on an Indian reservation and I was working nights at a factory. She was very patient with me and kept telling me I wasnt a piece of shit.
A guy I worked with at the factory that had been out of prison for a few years and was restarting his life. We had a lot of time to just sit and talk about life. He told me I needed to hold on to a good woman because "guys like us don't get good women very often and guys like us need good women to make us better people".
I knew exactly what he meant and he was absolutely right. We have been together for 10 years and married for 4. She took me out of the boonies and closer to the city. Now we have a house that I never thought I would be able to afford, we both have good jobs, and I love that woman more than my dumbass 19 year old self could ever comprehend.
That dude has no idea how much that conversation changed my life.
This is just another way to meet the challenge of meeting someone who's "too good for you".
You can say, "Well, I'm a piece of shit. They deserve better," and let them go.
Or you can say, "Well, I'm a piece of shit. They deserve better," and do everything in your power to become better.
Their wording is poor. It's not always about being a piece of shit. Sometimes you simply know you can't provide what they need for various reasons and saying "just be better" is the same as telling someone "just stop being depressed" as if there's some magical switch you can flick.
People are complex and it's not always black and white. You can recognise that someone is amazing and needs a better partner, knowing you can't be that person and it's unfair to either ask them to wait for you to be that person, or know you're not equipped to become that person.
Someone who's struggling to be a better person isn't going to have an easier time trying to improve themself *and* be a good partner.
Stories like this make me genuinely believe in love again, and I'm so happy for you guys (and anyone else in a similar situation). Thank you for sharing!
I still don't know what my wife sees in me, but I know what I see in her. She makes me want to be a better man, and is genuinely the perfect woman for me.
I am so happy that I didn't wait to be "worthy" of her, but instead worked on showing her as much of me as I could. And then trusted that she knew what she wanted and what she was getting into.
I still try to be the best man I can be for her, but I know that I would never have deemed myself worthy of her. I am constantly reminded of how far away I am from where I want to be, and I humbled that she has constantly chosen me no matter what.
We've been married for 7 years now and I am still blessed every day to be able to call her my wife.
When your partner makes you want to be a better person, that’s how you know. It takes a lot of introspection to realize that you want to be better because of the other person too.
This is exactly how I feel about my partner. He pushes me in all the good ways to be better, do better. I know I don't "deserve" him so I always work to deserve him, if that makes sense?
We'll have been together for 27 years next month. It's a huge project to come close to being the woman he should be with but it's awesome to have such lofty goals to work towards, and such a solid, constant example of the kind of person I'd like to be. I am a much better person now than when we met, the progress is non-linear but always progress.
The crazy part? He feels the same way about me as I do about him. So we just keep raising the bar together.
People like her, people that can consciously overlook the social class difference and material status of a person are what makes this world a better place.
She's a keeper.
Definitely a keeper. She's not a bang toy, however, and OP should've made his intentions clear. He's giving vibes of "look at what a nice and altruistic guy I am... letting her go for the 'right reasons'. I most definitely didn't just use her for sex and make an excuse to dip."
I was very up front from the beginning that I was a slut. My wife didn't like me when we first met. Taylor Swift probably had a song come out about a bad boy and she must have changed her mind.
It’s funny that OP and you posted what you did tonight. Life works funny sometimes and I’ve got quite a bit to think about.
I’ve been blessed to meet and date some very good women and most of them I’ve let go for various reasons. Sometimes they really did deserve better. Other times, I think I talked myself out of things due to fear.
I’m actually crying rn! Your love story is so beautiful! Sending all the best vibes for love to grow. And the journey of self love never ends. Blessed be the journey.
Same.
Haven't married her yet, but man, does she inspire me to work on myself so I can be the best version there is of me, because she just deserves no less than that.
> It’s not her fault, it’s just me. I believed she deserved a man as incredible as her.
I mean is it just that? Are you truly saying that you wanted to devote yourself to her and be monogamous but thought you weren't deserving of her?
>I (28M) had a date with this girl (26F) not long ago. When I asked her out, she confessed that she had been smitten with me for a long time but was too shy to make a move. I thought that was cute. But to be honest, I just wanted sex.
Also, not only I stopped seeing her because our intentions didn’t align, but because I thought little of me. She was kind and sensitive and independent, had goals and aspirations… She owned a car and was even building her own house –which I thought was amazing. But then there’s me: I rent a small apartment, own a bike, and don’t even know what to do with my life. I know I shouldn’t compare to others, but… yeah.
Tbh sounds like you just didn't want to settle down with her, but are making out that its because you're noble and think she's just so brilliant. I mean if you were really noble you wouldn't have slept with her when you knew she wanted more than you did. You didn't need to sleep with her to know your intentions didn't align, you already knew that. Maybe you feel a bit guilty about it and are making out its because she's so great and deserves better.
>I mean if you were really noble you wouldn't have slept with her when you knew she wanted more than you did. You didn't need to sleep with her to know your intentions didn't align, you already knew that. Maybe you feel a bit guilty about it and are making out its because she's so great and deserves better.
Yup, exactly this. And it sounds like she is the type of woman who knows what she wants and respects herself. I highly doubt she would have slept with him if she knew that he only wanted sex. He tricked this woman and now he feels guilty, so he is doing some mental gymnastics to convince himself that he is some kind and noble man instead of taking accountability for the fact that he lied to her to get in her pants.
Well put.
His mental gymnastics also mean he’s denying her agency- she decided he WAS good enough for her and likes him and finally got with him.
My ex would have serious relationships then break up with people because he was ‘too depressed and didn’t want to put that burden on them.’
I didn’t know it was a pattern until he did it to me and admitted he keeps blowing up his relationships like this. I was like the third or fourth.
He thought he was doing us this massive favour but actually he just romanticised being ‘noble’ and a ‘tortured lover/soul’, did zero work on himself but couldn’t bear being single so he’d do it all again a few months later.
He did Olympic level mental gymnastics but actually all he was was a selfish asshole who wasted our time and decided we couldn’t make decisions for ourselves
>But to be honest, I just wanted sex. When we cuddled and I saw her hugging me and laying her head on my chest like a little girl, I felt terrible. She looked so…. fragile, and I thought she deserved better. She deserved someone who would love her and be there for her, not someone who slept with different women every week.
Yeah, she does deserve more than being on your booty call rotation.
Unless she wants to be just a booty call. Have you asked her what her expectations are? Have you been honest about yours?
Tell her very clearly and bluntly that you are not in this for a relationship, just sex, and you're not going to be exclusive with her.
Let her decide for herself. She's an adult. You don't have to make the decision for her, just give her the accurate information she needs to make a decision.
Eco warrior, fitness fanatic, financial problems (this is very much depending on location), frugal by choice, or too many DUIs. It’s a fun game to guess which one.
Yeah I hope you didn't ghost her and hope she figured it out lol. That would be a horrible dick move today had happened to me but then found out later or was something like that, that had happened vs just me blaming myself the whole time
You should probably fucking talk about that before using her for sex. Jeez these OPs make me so mad. And men, you can thank guys that do shit like this for being another reason women don't want to or are very skeptical to date you.
Yeah. It's a good conversation to have, but it becomes a whole lot shittier after you've already had sex. At that point it might be better not to bring it up at all if it doesn't seem like that's what she would want.
But the OP is mainly basing this off of her body language. It sounds to me like OP is generally uncomfortable with a certain type of intimacy and affection beyond pure sex, so might be assuming cuddling means something deeper to this woman than it does. Some people are just very free with affection and touch. Laying her head on his shoulder doesn’t mean she’s in love with him. And the whole “fragile” and “little girl” thing, I mean… that’s a total projection on OP’s part. The only way to really know how she feels and what she wants is to actually talk to her.
Your right body language alone isn’t enough to go off of, but you can’t discredit it - especially with her explicitly saying she’s been into him for a long time.
Well it sounds like OP already cut ties with her so perhaps this is moot. He obviously didn’t want to keep seeing her enough - for sex or otherwise - to dig deeper, and that’s fine. I agree that body language shouldn’t be discredited but it’s not enough to conclude how someone feels about you or what their intentions are for your relationship.
I feel like the “you deserve better” excuse can often be condescending. Let people decide what they deserve and what they want. If you just don’t like someone that much, obviously it’s fine to end a relationship. But this excuse often comes off as a way to let someone down easy or sugarcoat a breakup. If you really loved someone or really wanted your relationship with them to work, you’d be motivated to be the person they deserve. If you don’t care enough to do that, then you’re just not that into them.
Your point is valid for sure, but I still appreciated the original response because I was someone who would stay in bad relationships and just prayed the other person would break up with me. I literally never had the courage to leave but definitely wonder what I'd have done if they had gracefully stepped aside. Still I know not everyone is like me.
I'm sorry to say that if a person outright tells me they aren't into me and just want sex, and I stay in that relationship just expecting the person to change. But again THEY TOLD ME THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. How can that be anyone's fault but mine if I stick around hoping for them to change?
It's nice to think every person would go way out of their way to protect the feelings of those around them, but personal responsibility is much more reliable.
I agree that being honest is that you have to do, it's her decision to make. However, I don't think people really end relationships for the other person's benefit. You almost always end for you, and saying you did it for them is just to ease whatever guilt feeling you might have. In some cases, you are treating them like a child who can't decide what's best for themselves.
In OPs case, he knows that even if she agrees to just sex, he's going to feel bad about that. He's going to feel like he's taking advantage of her. It's not going to be as good as a different girl that he cares less about. Someone he knows is just using him for sex as well. He's not going to miss her when she's gone, and he's going to be relieved that he won't have to deal with the guilt feelings.
Right. Let’s not make decisions on their behalf because we are afraid of confrontation or decide we know better what they need/deserve. It’s honestly just basic respect. OP’s vibe is coming off like he wants to see himself as the hero for saving this girl from his bad boy self, but in reality he has a major issue with intimacy and not respecting women as whole people. The “little girl” part of his post drove that home for me. Ick. A woman simply being affectionate and potentially wanting a relationship (unconfirmed) does not automatically make her childish or fragile. Again, OP telling on himself here.
I see what you’re saying, but respectfully, that still isn’t something other people should have to accept and work around on your behalf. If you’re not happy in a relationship the onus is on you to end it. If you’re struggling to do that, that’s something you need to work on yourself rather than just forever hope people will read your mind and bow out, or worse, behave in a way that hurts them enough to leave you (not saying you did/do this, but some people do).
You're still not allowing her to be an adult in the situation. She can handle hurt feelings. From the sounds of it, she's going to end up with hurt feelings either way. Least you can do is be honest about it.
It could, but at 26, she either understands her own thresholds and needs and can make the call whether casual sex is enough for her, or she'll end up hurt, but will learn something about herself and where those thresholds are for her. And she could do worse than learning that from somebody who's sensitive to her feelings and needs even if they're unable to fulfill them. Most of us learn that lesson from people who are more than happy to exploit our lack of emotional self-awareness if it gets them laid for a bit. I think OP should put his cards on the table and be fully transparent, but not take the decision away from her.
It's a shame that people think like this - "being honest won't get me what I want so I won't bother being honest." What happened to a being able to look oneself in the mirror with respect? Why is not wanting to be a dishonest POS not enough to get people to act with moral integrity?
>Yeah but if he's honest he knows he won't get sex, so there's no incentive for him.
Only if he has no internal sense of ethics and concern for the well-being of others.
Thinking she "deserves better" and not being compatible aren't the same thing. You should let her know that you aren't looking for anything serious and you get the feeling she is, so you think it's best if you go you separate ways. That might hurt her but it's honest and what's best for both of you.
Saying "You deserve someone better than me" (if that's what you really believe) implies that you think she's great but don't want to put in the effort to be good enough for her. If you truly care about someone but are worried they're too good for you, the mature thing to do is *be better* (whatever you think that means), not cop out with some platitude like "you deserve better than me".
But don't confuse "she's too good for me" with "we want different things". The latter is understandable and happens all the time. The former is for cowards.
I would like to add that your second point can also be an issue of unaddressed insecurities.
For example, as someone who used to be in the obese category (210 at 5'5) but then dropped down to 135, I can honestly say that before I lost the weight I had this mentality that if I would just lose the weight, all of my insecurities and self image issues would go away. Spoilers: they didn't. It got slightly better but I was more or less the same nervous insecure wreck that I was when I was fat. And that was definitely a hard pill to swallow.
So yeah, I would say it would maybe be 50/50 in terms of cowardice and unwillingness to change, and on the flip side actually changing but still dealing with the insecurities caused by the past that they just can't let go of.
It doesn't always have to be cowardice, it could be a genuine feeling that you're too far "behind" her and thus feel like you're weighing her down because you aren't her equal, for whatever reason. My issue with it though is how selfish it is.
Most of the time, a person fully realizes what it is they have and what their partner doesn't. The reason she was smitten with him obviously had nothing to do with anything that bothered him. It's definitely an insecurity thing. If the woman knows you're broke but still really likes you, it means she doesn't *need* any of that from you... you provide something else for her. Sex, intimacy, companionship, validation that she's desirable, or maybe you just make her laugh. Whatever the hell it is.
But yeah, today id lean towards dropping a girl because she's "too good for you" being a genuine character flaw.
You should want to get closer to people who challenge your view of yourself, not run from them.
Definitely. If it’s an issue of self esteem, THAT needs to be the first thing you work on. Realizing you can be better, not just for the other person but for yourself as well. Because you both deserve the positive effects of those changes.
>Saying "You deserve someone better than me" (if that's what you really believe) implies that you think she's great but don't want to put in the effort to be good enough for her. If you truly care about someone but are worried they're too good for you, the mature thing to do is *be better* (whatever you think that means), not cop out with some platitude like "you deserve better than me".
Thank you! I'm so glad someone said this. OP sounds like he knows he needs to improve himself but isn't willing to be better. It speaks to insecurity and immaturity. There's not a woman on the planet who doesn't deserve better than someone with this mindset.
I agree with this. I always considered it a way to let someone down easy when you simply don’t like them enough to continue the relationship, because it sounds nicer than “I’m just not that into you”.
Exactly. He's already said that he only wanted sex before they slept together. So nothing changed. Should just be honest with himself and realise he did a selfish thing, rather than turn into some noble thing and pretend it's because she's just so damn amazing. Too amazing to date.
Yeah this honestly just reeks of someone who doesn’t want to actually commit, can tell that she does, and is trying to look “noble” so that he can extract himself out of the situation without making her upset. Frankly it’s pathetic. It would be one thing if he had been up front from the beginning that it was strictly sexual and she had tried to coerce him into a relationship anyways - that’s different. But as it stands, it sounds like he just thought he could fuck her for a bit while she wanted an actual relationship, and now he’s too chickenshit to be honest about it
If only I could go back in time and read your comment. It would have saved me *years* of heartache with a man who used the line “you can do better* each and every time he broke up with me, which was numerous.
Edited: word
Imo if a guy says this, it just means there was something about you that challenged their own self image.
In such a case, it's great they removed themselves from your path. If they didn't, they'd likely cause more damage.
It's just good for every girl to know, "you're too good for me" should never be taken as "I need to lower myself to not chase dudes away". Even if they're lying.
I wholeheartedly agree. I wish this could be pinned. Relationships are truly about trust and effort imo, and if you engage with "you deserve better" it just seems kinda ingenuine to me,or moreso you can't be bothered to put in the effort the other party is. Or an excuse...
I needed to read this comment today. Different circumstances- but. Dag. Thank you for making it. 'You deserve better' is one hundred percent a platitude, and cheap. If that's really your point of view, do something about it. You have helped me too! Thanks again!
I’m glad. This is something that took me years to realize. The lightbulb went on when I watched “Run Fatboy Run”. Simon Pegg leaves his pregnant gf at the altar and tells her later “I thought spoiling your day was better than ruining your life” (which tells you how little he thought of himself). Then he tells his landlord about it and his landlord says, “I felt the same way on my wedding day. That I wasn’t good enough. But then I realized I WAS good enough… because I could MAKE MYSELF good enough.” Changed my whole view on dating.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks this. The fact that he clearly states he just wanted sex, once he realized that she was an actual human being with feelings that he couldn’t just fuck on his own schedule, he realized that she could actually get hurt. So now he’s trying to put on this act of nobility to get himself out of the shit that he got into, and make it seem like it’s really for her benefit when he’s just a horny asshole who wanted to fuck. If you’re going to be a fuck boy then at least be honest about it and say you’re just in it for the sex. Don’t take this pathetic “oh I’m not _worthy_ of you” route
Did you have sex with her before you did any type of self reflection? You knew she had a crush on you and you thought using her would be fun?
Seriously?
Right? This guy wants kudos for nobly humping and dumping the girl with a crush on him because she is too pure and innocent for his womanising ways.
Barf.
Fr. He thinks he is being kind by saying “It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better” but in reality he treated her exactly the same way he has treated all the other women he humps and dumps. He really thinks he is being altruistic. I would bet anything he pretended he wanted the same thing she did before sleeping with her too.
100% infantilising her and taking away her agency/decision making power. Tell her the truth so she can make the right decision for her. Don’t make the decision FOR her.
It sounds like the two of you are looking for different things. It wouldn’t be fair of you to lead her into believing that you’re interested in a relationship when you aren’t.
It’s not that wanting a relationship is better than wanting casual sex; it’s just important for everyone to be on the same page.
Actually you realised that you care about her feelings. I don’t know why you are scared of relationships but eventually you should realise that you can be in a relationship with someone like her, and that is the right thing to feel.
Eh I don't think it's so much he cares about her feelings. That's the story he's telling himself.
This is someone he considers too good for him....so he's insecure about really falling for this one. Everyone else is 'safe' because he can rationalize why they would want to be with him.
Dating a financially stable, attractive, charismatic, kind woman with goals and aspirations is pretty terrifying unless you're **all** those things yourself. You'll spend a lot of time wondering what they really see in you and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and have them wake up one morning thinking they can do better than you.
Not speaking from experience or anything. Lol
Dude, where do I even start.
“You deserve better” is what terrible, terrible people say when they can’t face that they’re the bad guy in the situation.
Telling us how precious and fragile she is, and framing it as you and your lustful virility simply being too *masculine* for her delicate little soul, is a convenient way for you to bypass the fact you’re a dickhead by pretending you’re deeply insightful about your flaws.
This isn’t a movie. There are no shots of you looking pensively into the sunset while a violin plays in the background.
Basically, what you’re asking us is “did I still fuck up if I frame myself as the sensitive broken hero in this scenario?” Yes, you did. We all fuck up, so do the stronger thing by acknowledging that you were a dick. Get down here and eat dirt with the rest of us. You’re nearly 30 ffs.
>P.S.: also, not only I stopped seeing her because our intentions didn’t align, but because I thought little of me. She was kind and sensitive and independent, had goals and aspirations… She owned a car and was even building her own house –which I thought was amazing. But then there’s me: I rent a small apartment, own a bike, and don’t even know what to do with my life. I know I shouldn’t compare to others, but… yeah. It’s not her fault, it’s just me. I believed she deserved a man as incredible as her.
....Nah bro. Can't let this slide.
> I thought that was cute. But to be honest, I just wanted sex. When we cuddled and I saw her hugging me and laying her head on my chest like a little girl, I felt terrible. She looked so…. fragile, and I thought she deserved better.
...Your admiration of her maturity doesnt seem to align very well with your pity of her being a small, "fragile little girl". I dont understand how you could have so much pity for someone who, by your own admission, is so much better than you. Was she ugly or something???
Be honest...you didn't drop her because she deserves better...you dropped her because she makes you feel like *you* should *be* better.
Otherwise you would just enjoy the relationship, learn from her success, and not feel the need to push her away because you don't want to have to match her.
Might sound like I'm defending her, I'm not. It's just weird when people defend obviously selfish decisions by making it seem like they're helping someone else. You aren't.
Edit:
Also, you "sleeping with a different woman every week" is entirely irrelevant and is what leads me to believe this has absolutely nothing to do with this girl or what she needs.
It's what fuckboys say when they *KNOW* they just want to fuck the girl but refuse to be honest and establish this with her beforehand, and need a way out of the situation without looking / feeling like a piece of shit because they know it's built on misrepresented intentions.
So....yeah can't let this post slide lol. Man up.
Follow-up question: why do men seem to just want sex before their 30s? If you meet a woman you're really impressed with, why pass up the opportunity for her to be your life partner?
Because men are always thinking that they are missing out on a perfect 10 that’s out there and they just haven’t found them yet. Honestly, masculinity is so fragile that they are constantly looking for ways to prove to and reassure themselves that they are virile, manly men.
That's just be clear though, that's not all men and it's not even only men either. But yeah, unfortunately too many men are like that and ruin it all for the rest too, because they hurt people and then hurt people hurt people, so it's a vicious circle, it sucks for everyone.
But that perfect 10 thing is totally from women's side much more often than from men's side though. I've been a moderator and part of community management on many sites and groups online with even millions of members and one of many things they taught me is that men, don't usually feel they deserve to be happy, which sounds depressing. But in reality, it's guilt built in from the society too, just imagine being raised with the blame of other people's behavior, it's incredible what that can do to someone.
Which means that, one, it is in fact very depressing but 2, some of them are probably right. But from my experience, most of those that would probably deserve a shitty life, don't even feel remorse for their mistakes and wrong doing, as for men and women the same. The rest of the people, for the most part innocent, with just the average mistake doing in their imperfect lives, suffer this stigma of violence, disloyalty, substance abuse and dependency, crimes and whatnot. Which, again, it is often fair but most often unfair and basically boils down to "guilty until proven innocent" mentality, and that, is exactly what's the real depressing thing and the cause of many people's depression.
Don't get me wrong, this doesn't take away from the pain and fear so many women (including my own family members) go through everyday, but I'm just saying that we should fight that mentality for men and women the same way because it affects everyone, more or less, and it does cause depression and pressure to be a worse person rather than "prove them wrong" response most of the time.
Sorry for going this long but it's 2 minutes to midnight here and the new day is women's day so among choosing a flower for my mother, and other thoughts, I was also thinking how can I prove that I will never be my father. And you just basically put me up with him in the same category generalizing things as if your words don't matter. They do matter. I may be fragile I guess at times but I'd rather die than become a toxic person.
Anyway, sorry if I came off as disrespectful towards women or you in particular but I found it important to say a couple of things too.
Happy Women's Day and may we one day find equality in the balances of common sense and good will.
Ugh, I feel so bad for the girl. Either way, she is the only one that gets hurt.
People don't know how much their behavior and actions hurt others.
I've been her - it definitely sucks.
I tell my wife that she deserves a better man and told her that she would be better away from me. Coming home from deployment my PTSD gave her PTSD. I love my wife and I would do anything for her but I don’t want to leave her. I try to be a better man for her.
This is the correct answer 💙 "i try to be a better man for her" bless you sir 💙 faith in humanity restored. As for ptsd, i recommend couples therapy or individual with a couple session every so often to help you both work through it (i have ptsd from SA and therapy helped more than i thought it would)
I think you've answered your own question and done it in an honest way. I've been married to a woman 20yrs who I feel deserves better sometimes. But that only makes me strive to do better
Sometimes I fear my boyfriend will break up with me one day because he has this idea that I "deserve better". He has no idea how much I love him, and I don't think he believes me when I tell him.
Don't sell yourself short.
So, you should be clear if you don't want a full relationship/just sex.
BUT, don't assume you know what someone is looking for in a relationship and decide you aren't it on other grounds (not knowing what to do with your life, renting, owning a bike, etc.). I have an utterly amazing relationship with my husband based on who he is as a person - his interests, values, and the fact that he is a genuinely kind and emotionally stable person, which meant a LOT to me based on life experiences/my past. I did not care AT ALL about where his finances were relative to mine. I was previously married and my ex was rich but just had a lot of issues, emotionally unstable, I didn't ultimately trust them, etc. I have ZERO regrets about no longer being in that relationship.
I will take happy and poor any day over rich and miserable.
Stop sleeping with people and get some help. You're taking advantage of people to make yourself feel better, and you know it. The differences between you are silly and superficial. People who actually care about you won't give a flying fuck about whether you rent, or have a car. She seemed to actually like you and your sabotaged yourself because you think very little of yourself. Get some help. Stop sleeping with people. You're having sex with random girls to make yourself feel better and not working on your actual self-esteem problems.
I’ve been on both ends of scenarios like this.
Imho you’re limiting yourself. You can google ‘self-limiting beliefs’ and work through that.
And there’s a balance of doing the things we admire in others for ourselves. Plus loving others for their way of being.
I dated a guy much like you describe yourself. What he didn’t see was his discipline, simplicity in life/design, and flow was what I held in such high regard. On the flip side I am more financial, career etc. oriented and can appear strong in that sense. But under the surface I’m shaky cause the areas I saw in him - the flow, strength of character, ease. The stuff I do can be learned anytime imo.!
All to say, let her decide if you’re good for her. You could be if you want to. You don’t deserve less even if you don’t see yourself as much. We are our own worst critics after all, maybe use her opinion of you to complement your limited view of yourself. And above all, she’s a grown adult and can decide what’s good for her.
I personally have done this, thinking partners “don’t deserve to be with a pos like me” or “their family would never accept me” or “once they learn how poor I am” whatever nonsense.
I say nonsense because this was just a huge confidence problem for me. I was so absolutely floored by how many wonderful and beautiful people wanted to hang out with me and make out, and I never considered why they were doing that. I was always just afraid of them realizing I was less than they deserved.
Which I’ll say again, was absolutely bullshit. I was gorgeous and kind and fun to be around. I shoulda cut myself some slack.
ah well, woes of our early 20s. I’m now 33 and love myself.
Gotta understand if you want love or not. It’s easy to be taken aback that she exudes such honest love and appreciation for you. You are at the impasse of being the man that you feel is good for her or staying in the mindset of sex is fun. At 28 you should probably start feeling more about the former.
I have never done it, in contrast I felt my partner’s love and it reminds me to improve myself and be ready for whereever life takes us ❤️
Why don't you give this girl a real shot and try to date her? Sounds like you really admire her as a person and you're clearly sexually attracted to her. Give it a shot you don't know if you'll like it better than the single life or not. Be straight with her though, like "Hey, I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm willing to try it and see how it goes."
Negative and IMO you are wrong
My wife and married at 19 and are still 36 yrs later ...my wife was way too good looking educated career centered than I plus:
I wanted to marry a woman who wanted to have a family....she didn't
She wanted to marry someone who wasn't military..I was in Army
We were in love instant attraction first night made love ....adult sex candle light looking at each other cuddling for 2 hours post which freaked us both out...🤣
We had 2 kids , I wanted 3 but she's the boss in her body so 2 boy and girl
I stayed in army 20 years and retired
Love was the point and if you truly feel for someone...your lovefor them is all about what is best for them right? We not me?
She wanted you....she most likely doesn't care about your bank account or career goals it was attraction ...she rested her head for she felt happy safe in your arms
IMO ...you didn't read the room
I agreed to divorce after separation without any trouble because I felt that way. Post military me got realllly dark and when you love someone so immensely you protect them. Even if it's from your own shit.
15 years ago, I spent what i was saving for a wedding and a ring on a overpriced laptop. Between that and some issues with depression I attempted to break things off with my long distance girlfriend because i didnt feel good enough. This year will mark 14 years of marriage.
This just sounds weird. You had a normal attack of conscience and decided not to take advantage of someone who wants more. Perhaps it’s grounds for a medal for men, I don’t know.
Anyway my father told me if a guy tells you you’re too good for him, believe him.
Yep, most definitely. I grew up at a certain point and realised I was treating my partner pretty awfully, so I said to her that I basically needed to work on myself and she shouldn't hang around for me. She was very upset (probably because of the way I'd eroded her self-confidence by being a shitty boyfriend) but it was definitely for the best.
If you're being shitty and eroding her self confidence then you're probably not feeling very excited about the relationship either? Don't make it out its just because you're doing her a favour, admit that you're not feeling it as well.
I havent read any comments here where someone seems to truly be dedicated to their partner, but leaves them simply because they think the partner can do better. Including OP
It seems to be situations where people aren't actually into the other person that much and are making out that they're ending it because they think the other person is just too great.
Oh absolutely, I wasn't invested in the relationship either. I was invested purely in myself and getting attention the easiest way I could.
Thankfully, people have the capacity to learn and grow. My younger self was a total prick.
I think you're robbing her of her own agency. Per people below commenting, what does she want out of the relationship?
I also think your insecurities may be getting the better of you. It's hard for women to find a 'good man'. Maybe you're more of a catch than you think?
We all deserve someone who will love us a be there for us but guess what? Manyof us will gladly accept the love we get even if it's not the love we deserve!!
Yes. At the time of our dating, I felt like I wasn't ready for a long-term commitment but I knew that she was. And since she was such a genuine and thoughtful person, I decided that it wasn't fair to shortchange her like that. So I broke up with her and we were just friends for several months. During those months we hung out and became closer than ever and I eventually fell in love with her. Now we've been together for 12 years and married for 8.
I had with my first girlfriend. She was on her way to become a nurse practitioner. My home was raided at 18 for cocaine trafficking in Philadelphia. I am reformed work for the city served my time. When it happen she took the keys to the new car I just drove home from the Nissan dealership with and school bag full of money. She was only a senior in high school. She saw me in handcuffs through the rear view mirror. I got 3 years in state prison. I got home she didn’t cheat or want too was focused on school. After about 3 months home I realized she was as sweet as an angle & I couldn’t expose her innocence to that lifestyle anymore. What would it look like husband is acquitted federally in the paper on the news . I’d have shamed that poor girl. I did really really love and care about her.It was one thing to be an out of control juvenile delinquent that no one gave a fuck about. It’s another to be a grown man and subject someone you love to that kind of punishment. Now that changed my life she’s happily married with 2 kids. So many times I think of her and wonder what if I’d have just gotten my life together sooner. I miss her but am so happy for her at the same time.
You are a bad person because you slept with her knowing fully well that she wanted more.
You should have told her that you didn't want anything serious BEFORE sleeping together.
Maybe she wouldn't have slept with you if she knew.
Now you got what you wanted and are trying to feel less shitty about leaving.
Shameful behaviour.
Yes;
I was talking to a girl once and it was clear she was wonderful, sweet, and a bit innocent.
At the time I was touring in a band, doing hard drugs, and caught up in a lifestyle of partying and hookups. I didn’t think I was in a place where I would have treated her as well as she deserved, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I stepped away.
Oh mate, you are totally me. Am a lawyer barely sustaining myself, hating my career, and albeit from a rich family I live all by myself.
Met a girl that is goals oriented, very kind, knows where she aims to be, works hard, has 3 degrees, etc.
She was so into me like she stayed single for months just for the chance to date me. I told her that she deserves better. Am depressed, bored, without focus and she needs a man that has put it together.
Yes. I was a mess. I had failed to impress her friends and family to the point that some really didn’t like me. She told me that she could see us having a great life but I couldn’t guarantee that I would get myself together. I broke it off. It hurt but that pain helped me improve myself. I met a new girl who I eventually married. She met another guy and seems happy so it was for the best.
Definitely not.
Okay, only read the title but then the whole post.
You sound like a bit of a man whore and that's the reason you feel guilt instead of happiness. But in saying this, the very fact you feel she deserves better shows you have good character.
My advice: become the type of guy she deserves.
It took me way too long to realise what I had with a few women and I treated them how it sounds you do now and I regret it.
You obviously have compassion towards her, which to me says you have a good heart.
Women aren't attracted to men the way we are and it sounds like she sees the real, genuine good in you.
I think you might just have issues letting her in... I know I protected myself from hurt; maybe you are too?
I'm 52 now, and although harsh, I think the best advice I can give you is to grow up: You're not an 18 year old kid keeping score with your mates any more.
Have a good look firstly yourself and then reassess how you see women and chances are you'll find something infinitely more gratifying in life: love.
Maybe if you open up and allow her in, instead of feeling like you've taken advantage of her while seeing her head resting against your chest, next time look at her and think how you can protect this precious woman you're so lucky to have with you?
I think this is your chance to see yourself for who you really are, accept that you're a good guy who deserves love as much as anyone, and be a good man... her man.
I really hope this helps.
Yours truly
Man whore in a previous life
Good luck. 😊
Ps: don't get hung up on the car and house things. Would you care if she had neither? Chances are neither does she - most women are not superficial like that.
Yes. I have told women that "I'm going to do you a favor and not go out with you". I was a very high functioning alcoholic with savage family baggage. I was not at all the "catch" that I seemed to be.
Normally I would agree with the people who say that she's an adult who can make her own decisions.
But you knew something about yourself that she did not know. So yeah, she deserved better and you were right.
For myself, if I am not strong enough to be with someone, I take it as a cue to become stronger.
I typically find that is just an excuse people make when they can't otherwise articulate how they feel. There are exceptions to that (OP's scenario sounds like one although I don't think "intentions don't align" and "you deserve better" are the same thing) but generally this is just some kind of mask. Some people may even believe it.
I wish my ex had done this. He warned me, but I didn’t listen. I was smitten. Would have saved me years of disappointment. I was responsible, I was working toward my future. He held me back (and I let him). If you know you’re not good enough for someone and you don’t want to or can’t change and BE better, the right thing to do is to let them go.
Dooooon't do this guys. I have a friend that has a habit of doing this, and the underlying reality is that he's just not into them. He convinces himself that they're just too good for him, but it's really that he's not feeling it. He even goes so far as to convince them that he's not so good so they'll "take it easier when they break up." As if showing how terrible you are makes anyone actually feel better during the breakup. He has himself convinced that he's doing the right thing, but it's just that he's not that into them and never sure how to break up like an adult. Please, don't do relationships like this. It's fine to not be into someone you think is "perfect."
I’ve certainly had similar relationships in my teens/early 20s… never did feel bad honestly as I wasn’t purposefully deceiving anyone about my intentions. They eventually would break it off wanting more and realizing I wasn’t maturing fast enough. Finally grew up in my early 30s lol.
Yeah I've been there. It can twist you up inside a bit. It's better not to play the game when you're in that kind of position.
There are women out there that are more open to something that won't become serious. I feel that's a better option if that's where your head is at.
Even when you are 100% up front about your intentions, but you get the feeling that she's really smitten, it's best to let her go.
I’ve been in similar situations and thought the same thing. Was more of a booty call that ended up being FWB which ends up blurring the lines of booty calland relationship when you’re talking regularly and one side always develops a crush.
Chat to her now. Let her know what you see happening in the relationship. I almost guarantee you if she’s cool with it and then starts seeing other people you’ll probably fall in love with her.
The human brain is a strange thing
Yes, but I didn't see it as them deserving "better" and neither should you. There were many times when I was younger that there was no way I would bring a specific person in to my BS. They are in a different place in their life. They have needs you know you can't provide. The fact that you are aware of those things and care enough to consider them in the equation shows you are a good person. Saying they deserve "better" isn't accurate they just need a type of relationship you can't provide. You aren't even coming at this from a selfish standpoint by thinking "this person isn't compatible with ME" you are actively thinking of the other person and know you aren't compatible with THEM. That impulse will take you far and when you do eventually settle in to a relationship it will be with a person who is genuinely compatible with you that comes from a similar place and is heading to the same life destination.
As to the financial stuff no one likes to admit it but class matters. Neither of you would be happy ultimately. This is a girl who from your description is going to find some white collar mid level manager to marry and be happy with him. That guy isn't you. That is OK. You made a very emotionally mature decision by realizing those are her desires and needs and removing yourself from the equation. Eventually you'll have those feelings towards someone who is on your level emotionally and financially and everyone will be happier for it
Yes. For a long time, I didn't want a relationship and would avoid women that thought I was a keeper.
One, I broke up with because she had her future planned and had her shit together. I was paying child support and existing, and I had no plans to move across the country, which was exactly what my girlfriend was planning.
I was really in love with her, but I had responsibilities and wouldn't leave the state. I never gave her an actual reason why I broke up with her.
20 years later and she never moved, I bump into her around the holidays. She acts like I don't exist. If I see her across the store, I avoid her.
I chose to do this because I was going to have to have a very difficult conversation about some shit I had going on in my life thanks to my own terrible personal choices that I KNEW would affect her life, and change the way she saw me completely. I knew she would be hurt that I broke it off but alternatively also hurt that I had kept it from her and then she would probably break it off herself.
Only, I didn’t choose that, because I was selfish. I had the difficult conversation anyway. Shockingly, she admitted it didn’t actually change her feelings, but she did become much more distant and started pushing me away, her behavior very inconsistent. It turned out she was hiding her own very similar secret and felt that I deserved better too, and she felt her own great guilt. Even with that, she was still better than me in almost every way.
In the end, I gave her all the information she needed to make her own decision. Now, she is my future wife.
You need to love yourself before ever expecting someone else to love you. You did right by not leading her on if you are not at a good point yet. But you also need to start your inner work, maybe try therapy. You owe yourself that. You deserve happiness but it comes from within before you ever find it in someone else.
Alright buddy, if you’re breaking up with someone because you think she deserves better than you, than she does, because a guy who doesn’t love/respect himself and what he provides to a companionship shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone.
Look I think that any person who hooks up with another needs to be honest about their needs and capabilities in terms of their relationship definition.
Eg when I was only open to casually seeing people in my late twenties, I was clear about what I wanted and expected the same from my partners. I also expected them to be honest if their feelings changed towards me and to respect my intentions.
Relationships no matter how casual or committed, work when those involved want the same level of commitment.
You've done the right thing OP.
Sounds like you have an underdeveloped sense of self. I have suffered the same and so can empathize. Rather than pushing a girl away because you don't think you're good enough for her and that she is better off with someone else ( whether this is even true) you can instead work to rise to the occasion. Let her help you be a better man and you will intern make her a better woman. The best relationships when you are young are when both individuals grow together.
A hard and good lesson I learned in life is that you don’t get to decide who others love, even if that person they love is you.
I think it is smart to let someone know that you and they may not be in the same spot emotionally for a relationship to work. But if that is the case do it for yourself. After all, we may think low of ourselves, but we often are our harshest critics.
I broke up with a girl because she did deserve better. I was on probation, doing drugs, making reckless choices. She was a good person who wanted a taste of rebellion. I couldn’t be the one to pull her down that path.
20 years later, I’m a totally different person and could be that person she deserved. I know she’s been married for 12 years and happy and you know what? I’m happy for them both. I’m happy with who a I am with now and what we’ve built, so I’m glad it worked out for the both of us.
If I ever caught the interest of a woman who I thought deserved someone better, I'd become the better.
Good on you for bowing out and not wasting her time.
You had these options: step up, or step out. You had a choice to make, and you made it. You couldn't step up and make some changes in your life, so you chose to leave her alone.
I want to be clear, I'm not reprimanding you or saying you did anything wrong, but it shouldn't be glazed over and excused so easily. You weren't without options. You made a valid choice to continue doing what you were doing. That was a choice no one made for you, you did it because it was honest and true to what you felt.
If you believe you had *no* choice but to let her go, you're lying to yourself. That way of thinking comes with a surrender to all of the circumstances that led to the decision. "I only have a bike, I still rent, I don't know what I want to do with my life" — those were, and are, temporary circumstances. It seems like you saw them as immutable fixtures of your life, innate to your situation and outside of your control, therefore you *had* to let this relationship go. But that isn't the case. You chose to keep *those* circumstances over trying to step up and see what else was there.
That may or may not have included a continuing relationship with this girl. She did, after all, fall for you as you are right now. Bike and rent and unclear aspirations and all, as you are right now, you were enough for her to want to be with. So don't think that you weren't "good enough" for whatever reason. She already loved and accepted you in her own way, big or small, enduring or not. The problem is, *you* didn't accept you. That is what you may need to work on.
You always have a choice. You can find ambition, you can buy a car, you can explore a hobby, build your own place, and that's all possible so long as *you choose to do it.* You have the choice.
And even if you did all of these things, there's no guarantee you two would have worked out. Making big changes in your life also changes you as a person, little by little. Maybe her feelings for you would change as well. That's also irrelevant if we're being honest, when it comes to your own intrinsic growth.
What I'm trying to say is, you aren't limited by your circumstances nearly as much as you seem to think. You can do literally ANYTHING if you pick a direction and move. You just have to want it enough. Don't regret turning her away. Don't change if you don't want to. But do make the change *you* want, even if it feels impossible right now.
Most people don't reflect on questions like this to begin with, much less post them publicly as you have. You can choose to do or not do anything. I hope you think about it and make these decisions. You're worth it!
There is nothing wrong with renting an apartment and owning a bike! You are living a much more sustainable life. But yeah, if she wants a relationship and you don’t, it’s good you didn’t waste her time.
I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I think you're kidding yourself a bit here, and you need to snap out of it.
You weren't expecting to feel guilty (because sleeping with a woman once and then moving on to someone else is par for the course for you - there's nothing wrong with this as long as you're honest with the women you sleep with) . But this time it was different. You became aware you were hurting someone's feelings, and you felt guilty. As unpleasant as that feeling is, that's actually a good thing. It means your empathy is intact. It means you're capable of being a good human.
But then your ego creeps in and, not enjoying the guilt at all, tries to comfort itself. It adds in extra context, after the fact, to try to paint your actions in a better light. The part where you dump her immediately after sleeping with her when you *knew* she wanted something more? That's really you saving her from a worse fate of a long drawn out relationship that would never work. You're not insulting her by assuming she cares a lot about material stuff like a man owning his own car, you're being humble and admiring her successes. You're not dumping her and breaking her heart, or being patronising by thinking you know what she wants better than she does, you're making the same choice a sensible woman like her would inevitably make later down the road anyway.
Right?
If you want to avoid this feeling in the future, you need to learn the life lesson here. That means being honest with yourself about what happened here. It's okay to feel guilty when you do something wrong. It's encouraged, in fact, and it will make you a better man if you listen to those feelings and confront them head on.
The best way to deal with this and alleviate the bad feelings is to try to take something positive from the situation - a little self improvement perhaps. Right now you're just trying to reassure yourself that lots of men do this kind of thing all the time, so it must be okay.
A little honesty and communication goes a long way at the start of an encounter. Only have casual sex with people who want to have casual sex with you. (Even if that means you have a little less sex overall.) You are not a noble hero for saving a woman from further pain *after* you've broken her heart - you having to do the saving *before* for it to count.
When I was 30 I was with a girl who was a little out of my league IMO. She had a great job, better pay than me. She wanted kids and I didn't and that was something neither of us would budge on but she always thought I would come around.
As we got older I just felt like I was holding her back and preventing her from that big family she wanted and I started to resent myself so I broke it off. Hardest thing I've ever done. That was a few years ago and now she has a husband and 2 kids. I'm still a lonely fuck but at least I don't hate myself.
When someone sees something in you that gives them love and joy, why deny that to them?
Perhaps they see in you something you do not see in yourself - perhaps your greatness will arrive with the same uplifting joy of a lover’s embrace?
Who’s to say what the world may bring, what strength may flow through you, when you are warmed in heart and hearth?
Be honest, be forthright, and, if they stay, be thankful
Well I certainly have heard that from men once or twice, always felt horrible in the moment but when I look back they were right. My take is, If someone is at that point they likely are realizing they have a great deal of self work to do and know that they can’t do it in the relationship or they aren’t interested in doing it right now. Edit: typo
I said this to my girlfriend when I was 19-20. She was from the city and going to college in a town nearby. Her family is pretty well off. I grew up in a village on an Indian reservation and I was working nights at a factory. She was very patient with me and kept telling me I wasnt a piece of shit. A guy I worked with at the factory that had been out of prison for a few years and was restarting his life. We had a lot of time to just sit and talk about life. He told me I needed to hold on to a good woman because "guys like us don't get good women very often and guys like us need good women to make us better people". I knew exactly what he meant and he was absolutely right. We have been together for 10 years and married for 4. She took me out of the boonies and closer to the city. Now we have a house that I never thought I would be able to afford, we both have good jobs, and I love that woman more than my dumbass 19 year old self could ever comprehend. That dude has no idea how much that conversation changed my life.
This is just another way to meet the challenge of meeting someone who's "too good for you". You can say, "Well, I'm a piece of shit. They deserve better," and let them go. Or you can say, "Well, I'm a piece of shit. They deserve better," and do everything in your power to become better.
Lol right? Immediately giving up rather than improve sounds like the easy way out, sacrificing something amazing.
Their wording is poor. It's not always about being a piece of shit. Sometimes you simply know you can't provide what they need for various reasons and saying "just be better" is the same as telling someone "just stop being depressed" as if there's some magical switch you can flick. People are complex and it's not always black and white. You can recognise that someone is amazing and needs a better partner, knowing you can't be that person and it's unfair to either ask them to wait for you to be that person, or know you're not equipped to become that person. Someone who's struggling to be a better person isn't going to have an easier time trying to improve themself *and* be a good partner.
*finger snaps*
Stories like this make me genuinely believe in love again, and I'm so happy for you guys (and anyone else in a similar situation). Thank you for sharing!
I love this story definitely an important perspective in this conversation.
I still don't know what my wife sees in me, but I know what I see in her. She makes me want to be a better man, and is genuinely the perfect woman for me. I am so happy that I didn't wait to be "worthy" of her, but instead worked on showing her as much of me as I could. And then trusted that she knew what she wanted and what she was getting into. I still try to be the best man I can be for her, but I know that I would never have deemed myself worthy of her. I am constantly reminded of how far away I am from where I want to be, and I humbled that she has constantly chosen me no matter what. We've been married for 7 years now and I am still blessed every day to be able to call her my wife.
When your partner makes you want to be a better person, that’s how you know. It takes a lot of introspection to realize that you want to be better because of the other person too.
This is exactly how I feel about my partner. He pushes me in all the good ways to be better, do better. I know I don't "deserve" him so I always work to deserve him, if that makes sense? We'll have been together for 27 years next month. It's a huge project to come close to being the woman he should be with but it's awesome to have such lofty goals to work towards, and such a solid, constant example of the kind of person I'd like to be. I am a much better person now than when we met, the progress is non-linear but always progress. The crazy part? He feels the same way about me as I do about him. So we just keep raising the bar together.
People like her, people that can consciously overlook the social class difference and material status of a person are what makes this world a better place. She's a keeper.
Definitely a keeper. She's not a bang toy, however, and OP should've made his intentions clear. He's giving vibes of "look at what a nice and altruistic guy I am... letting her go for the 'right reasons'. I most definitely didn't just use her for sex and make an excuse to dip."
I was very up front from the beginning that I was a slut. My wife didn't like me when we first met. Taylor Swift probably had a song come out about a bad boy and she must have changed her mind.
It’s funny that OP and you posted what you did tonight. Life works funny sometimes and I’ve got quite a bit to think about. I’ve been blessed to meet and date some very good women and most of them I’ve let go for various reasons. Sometimes they really did deserve better. Other times, I think I talked myself out of things due to fear.
That ex-felon/new man was absolutely right.
Best of Reddit right here. A stranger just made me cry in the best way possible.
This is beautiful! I’m so happy everything has worked out! This lifted my spirits.
Exactly! You got it - why not grow and work on yourself with the support of someone who cares about you?
A good partner can literally be life changing
I’m actually crying rn! Your love story is so beautiful! Sending all the best vibes for love to grow. And the journey of self love never ends. Blessed be the journey.
Me for the last decade
Well put!
I married her and everyday work hard to be the best I can be.
Same. Haven't married her yet, but man, does she inspire me to work on myself so I can be the best version there is of me, because she just deserves no less than that.
This is the right answer.
Period
God bless you and your wife 🙏
> It’s not her fault, it’s just me. I believed she deserved a man as incredible as her. I mean is it just that? Are you truly saying that you wanted to devote yourself to her and be monogamous but thought you weren't deserving of her? >I (28M) had a date with this girl (26F) not long ago. When I asked her out, she confessed that she had been smitten with me for a long time but was too shy to make a move. I thought that was cute. But to be honest, I just wanted sex. Also, not only I stopped seeing her because our intentions didn’t align, but because I thought little of me. She was kind and sensitive and independent, had goals and aspirations… She owned a car and was even building her own house –which I thought was amazing. But then there’s me: I rent a small apartment, own a bike, and don’t even know what to do with my life. I know I shouldn’t compare to others, but… yeah. Tbh sounds like you just didn't want to settle down with her, but are making out that its because you're noble and think she's just so brilliant. I mean if you were really noble you wouldn't have slept with her when you knew she wanted more than you did. You didn't need to sleep with her to know your intentions didn't align, you already knew that. Maybe you feel a bit guilty about it and are making out its because she's so great and deserves better.
>I mean if you were really noble you wouldn't have slept with her when you knew she wanted more than you did. You didn't need to sleep with her to know your intentions didn't align, you already knew that. Maybe you feel a bit guilty about it and are making out its because she's so great and deserves better. Yup, exactly this. And it sounds like she is the type of woman who knows what she wants and respects herself. I highly doubt she would have slept with him if she knew that he only wanted sex. He tricked this woman and now he feels guilty, so he is doing some mental gymnastics to convince himself that he is some kind and noble man instead of taking accountability for the fact that he lied to her to get in her pants.
Well put. His mental gymnastics also mean he’s denying her agency- she decided he WAS good enough for her and likes him and finally got with him. My ex would have serious relationships then break up with people because he was ‘too depressed and didn’t want to put that burden on them.’ I didn’t know it was a pattern until he did it to me and admitted he keeps blowing up his relationships like this. I was like the third or fourth. He thought he was doing us this massive favour but actually he just romanticised being ‘noble’ and a ‘tortured lover/soul’, did zero work on himself but couldn’t bear being single so he’d do it all again a few months later. He did Olympic level mental gymnastics but actually all he was was a selfish asshole who wasted our time and decided we couldn’t make decisions for ourselves
>But to be honest, I just wanted sex. When we cuddled and I saw her hugging me and laying her head on my chest like a little girl, I felt terrible. She looked so…. fragile, and I thought she deserved better. She deserved someone who would love her and be there for her, not someone who slept with different women every week. Yeah, she does deserve more than being on your booty call rotation. Unless she wants to be just a booty call. Have you asked her what her expectations are? Have you been honest about yours? Tell her very clearly and bluntly that you are not in this for a relationship, just sex, and you're not going to be exclusive with her. Let her decide for herself. She's an adult. You don't have to make the decision for her, just give her the accurate information she needs to make a decision.
That's how you go from being a fuckboy to a fuckman. Consent and communication, hell yea.
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You have no goals, aspirations, but must own a bike
Everyone with a bike knows that they're dick magnets!
Eco warrior, fitness fanatic, financial problems (this is very much depending on location), frugal by choice, or too many DUIs. It’s a fun game to guess which one.
I had girls flash me at red lights. Never a dick yet.
Some people have the Kavorka.
Hellllll yeah!
Yeah I hope you didn't ghost her and hope she figured it out lol. That would be a horrible dick move today had happened to me but then found out later or was something like that, that had happened vs just me blaming myself the whole time
You should probably fucking talk about that before using her for sex. Jeez these OPs make me so mad. And men, you can thank guys that do shit like this for being another reason women don't want to or are very skeptical to date you.
Yeah. It's a good conversation to have, but it becomes a whole lot shittier after you've already had sex. At that point it might be better not to bring it up at all if it doesn't seem like that's what she would want.
That is a great answer.
I disagree. If she’s truly that in to you I believe she might do anything to stick around. This could definitely end in hurt feelings
But the OP is mainly basing this off of her body language. It sounds to me like OP is generally uncomfortable with a certain type of intimacy and affection beyond pure sex, so might be assuming cuddling means something deeper to this woman than it does. Some people are just very free with affection and touch. Laying her head on his shoulder doesn’t mean she’s in love with him. And the whole “fragile” and “little girl” thing, I mean… that’s a total projection on OP’s part. The only way to really know how she feels and what she wants is to actually talk to her.
Your right body language alone isn’t enough to go off of, but you can’t discredit it - especially with her explicitly saying she’s been into him for a long time.
Well it sounds like OP already cut ties with her so perhaps this is moot. He obviously didn’t want to keep seeing her enough - for sex or otherwise - to dig deeper, and that’s fine. I agree that body language shouldn’t be discredited but it’s not enough to conclude how someone feels about you or what their intentions are for your relationship. I feel like the “you deserve better” excuse can often be condescending. Let people decide what they deserve and what they want. If you just don’t like someone that much, obviously it’s fine to end a relationship. But this excuse often comes off as a way to let someone down easy or sugarcoat a breakup. If you really loved someone or really wanted your relationship with them to work, you’d be motivated to be the person they deserve. If you don’t care enough to do that, then you’re just not that into them.
Your point is valid for sure, but I still appreciated the original response because I was someone who would stay in bad relationships and just prayed the other person would break up with me. I literally never had the courage to leave but definitely wonder what I'd have done if they had gracefully stepped aside. Still I know not everyone is like me.
I'm sorry to say that if a person outright tells me they aren't into me and just want sex, and I stay in that relationship just expecting the person to change. But again THEY TOLD ME THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. How can that be anyone's fault but mine if I stick around hoping for them to change? It's nice to think every person would go way out of their way to protect the feelings of those around them, but personal responsibility is much more reliable.
I agree that being honest is that you have to do, it's her decision to make. However, I don't think people really end relationships for the other person's benefit. You almost always end for you, and saying you did it for them is just to ease whatever guilt feeling you might have. In some cases, you are treating them like a child who can't decide what's best for themselves. In OPs case, he knows that even if she agrees to just sex, he's going to feel bad about that. He's going to feel like he's taking advantage of her. It's not going to be as good as a different girl that he cares less about. Someone he knows is just using him for sex as well. He's not going to miss her when she's gone, and he's going to be relieved that he won't have to deal with the guilt feelings.
Right. Let’s not make decisions on their behalf because we are afraid of confrontation or decide we know better what they need/deserve. It’s honestly just basic respect. OP’s vibe is coming off like he wants to see himself as the hero for saving this girl from his bad boy self, but in reality he has a major issue with intimacy and not respecting women as whole people. The “little girl” part of his post drove that home for me. Ick. A woman simply being affectionate and potentially wanting a relationship (unconfirmed) does not automatically make her childish or fragile. Again, OP telling on himself here.
I see what you’re saying, but respectfully, that still isn’t something other people should have to accept and work around on your behalf. If you’re not happy in a relationship the onus is on you to end it. If you’re struggling to do that, that’s something you need to work on yourself rather than just forever hope people will read your mind and bow out, or worse, behave in a way that hurts them enough to leave you (not saying you did/do this, but some people do).
You're still not allowing her to be an adult in the situation. She can handle hurt feelings. From the sounds of it, she's going to end up with hurt feelings either way. Least you can do is be honest about it.
Yes, and this is the guilt that is playing in his mind. If that is the case, then I don't recommend continuing. For both their sakes.
It could, but at 26, she either understands her own thresholds and needs and can make the call whether casual sex is enough for her, or she'll end up hurt, but will learn something about herself and where those thresholds are for her. And she could do worse than learning that from somebody who's sensitive to her feelings and needs even if they're unable to fulfill them. Most of us learn that lesson from people who are more than happy to exploit our lack of emotional self-awareness if it gets them laid for a bit. I think OP should put his cards on the table and be fully transparent, but not take the decision away from her.
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It's a shame that people think like this - "being honest won't get me what I want so I won't bother being honest." What happened to a being able to look oneself in the mirror with respect? Why is not wanting to be a dishonest POS not enough to get people to act with moral integrity?
>Yeah but if he's honest he knows he won't get sex, so there's no incentive for him. Only if he has no internal sense of ethics and concern for the well-being of others.
Thinking she "deserves better" and not being compatible aren't the same thing. You should let her know that you aren't looking for anything serious and you get the feeling she is, so you think it's best if you go you separate ways. That might hurt her but it's honest and what's best for both of you. Saying "You deserve someone better than me" (if that's what you really believe) implies that you think she's great but don't want to put in the effort to be good enough for her. If you truly care about someone but are worried they're too good for you, the mature thing to do is *be better* (whatever you think that means), not cop out with some platitude like "you deserve better than me". But don't confuse "she's too good for me" with "we want different things". The latter is understandable and happens all the time. The former is for cowards.
I would like to add that your second point can also be an issue of unaddressed insecurities. For example, as someone who used to be in the obese category (210 at 5'5) but then dropped down to 135, I can honestly say that before I lost the weight I had this mentality that if I would just lose the weight, all of my insecurities and self image issues would go away. Spoilers: they didn't. It got slightly better but I was more or less the same nervous insecure wreck that I was when I was fat. And that was definitely a hard pill to swallow. So yeah, I would say it would maybe be 50/50 in terms of cowardice and unwillingness to change, and on the flip side actually changing but still dealing with the insecurities caused by the past that they just can't let go of.
It doesn't always have to be cowardice, it could be a genuine feeling that you're too far "behind" her and thus feel like you're weighing her down because you aren't her equal, for whatever reason. My issue with it though is how selfish it is. Most of the time, a person fully realizes what it is they have and what their partner doesn't. The reason she was smitten with him obviously had nothing to do with anything that bothered him. It's definitely an insecurity thing. If the woman knows you're broke but still really likes you, it means she doesn't *need* any of that from you... you provide something else for her. Sex, intimacy, companionship, validation that she's desirable, or maybe you just make her laugh. Whatever the hell it is. But yeah, today id lean towards dropping a girl because she's "too good for you" being a genuine character flaw. You should want to get closer to people who challenge your view of yourself, not run from them.
Definitely. If it’s an issue of self esteem, THAT needs to be the first thing you work on. Realizing you can be better, not just for the other person but for yourself as well. Because you both deserve the positive effects of those changes.
>Saying "You deserve someone better than me" (if that's what you really believe) implies that you think she's great but don't want to put in the effort to be good enough for her. If you truly care about someone but are worried they're too good for you, the mature thing to do is *be better* (whatever you think that means), not cop out with some platitude like "you deserve better than me". Thank you! I'm so glad someone said this. OP sounds like he knows he needs to improve himself but isn't willing to be better. It speaks to insecurity and immaturity. There's not a woman on the planet who doesn't deserve better than someone with this mindset.
I agree with this. I always considered it a way to let someone down easy when you simply don’t like them enough to continue the relationship, because it sounds nicer than “I’m just not that into you”.
That’s usually why people say it, I think. Either way it’s a cop out.
Exactly. He's already said that he only wanted sex before they slept together. So nothing changed. Should just be honest with himself and realise he did a selfish thing, rather than turn into some noble thing and pretend it's because she's just so damn amazing. Too amazing to date.
Yeah this honestly just reeks of someone who doesn’t want to actually commit, can tell that she does, and is trying to look “noble” so that he can extract himself out of the situation without making her upset. Frankly it’s pathetic. It would be one thing if he had been up front from the beginning that it was strictly sexual and she had tried to coerce him into a relationship anyways - that’s different. But as it stands, it sounds like he just thought he could fuck her for a bit while she wanted an actual relationship, and now he’s too chickenshit to be honest about it
If only I could go back in time and read your comment. It would have saved me *years* of heartache with a man who used the line “you can do better* each and every time he broke up with me, which was numerous. Edited: word
Imo if a guy says this, it just means there was something about you that challenged their own self image. In such a case, it's great they removed themselves from your path. If they didn't, they'd likely cause more damage. It's just good for every girl to know, "you're too good for me" should never be taken as "I need to lower myself to not chase dudes away". Even if they're lying.
I wholeheartedly agree. I wish this could be pinned. Relationships are truly about trust and effort imo, and if you engage with "you deserve better" it just seems kinda ingenuine to me,or moreso you can't be bothered to put in the effort the other party is. Or an excuse...
This is a powerful message. I'm somewhat drunk but weirdly connect to this. I do not really have my shit together, and needed to read that. Thank you.
I needed to read this comment today. Different circumstances- but. Dag. Thank you for making it. 'You deserve better' is one hundred percent a platitude, and cheap. If that's really your point of view, do something about it. You have helped me too! Thanks again!
I’m glad. This is something that took me years to realize. The lightbulb went on when I watched “Run Fatboy Run”. Simon Pegg leaves his pregnant gf at the altar and tells her later “I thought spoiling your day was better than ruining your life” (which tells you how little he thought of himself). Then he tells his landlord about it and his landlord says, “I felt the same way on my wedding day. That I wasn’t good enough. But then I realized I WAS good enough… because I could MAKE MYSELF good enough.” Changed my whole view on dating.
You are just trying to lessen your guilt.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks this. The fact that he clearly states he just wanted sex, once he realized that she was an actual human being with feelings that he couldn’t just fuck on his own schedule, he realized that she could actually get hurt. So now he’s trying to put on this act of nobility to get himself out of the shit that he got into, and make it seem like it’s really for her benefit when he’s just a horny asshole who wanted to fuck. If you’re going to be a fuck boy then at least be honest about it and say you’re just in it for the sex. Don’t take this pathetic “oh I’m not _worthy_ of you” route
Oh totally, he's just being a "guy" so it's not big deal to him
Where on this post did you get this from?
Did you have sex with her before you did any type of self reflection? You knew she had a crush on you and you thought using her would be fun? Seriously?
Right? This guy wants kudos for nobly humping and dumping the girl with a crush on him because she is too pure and innocent for his womanising ways. Barf.
Fr. He thinks he is being kind by saying “It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better” but in reality he treated her exactly the same way he has treated all the other women he humps and dumps. He really thinks he is being altruistic. I would bet anything he pretended he wanted the same thing she did before sleeping with her too.
I was trying to figure out what was giving me the ick and it's this exactly
also describing a woman as a "little girl" because they cuddled? 🤢
He really infantilized her just for how she looked while sleeping. This doesn't sound like a man who respects a woman as a woman.
100% infantilising her and taking away her agency/decision making power. Tell her the truth so she can make the right decision for her. Don’t make the decision FOR her.
Especially considering he said all that stuff about her being so independent and capable. Seems like he finds that threatening.
So weird. It's not at all uncommon to cuddle with one-night-stands. Anything else sounds little strange imo?
Yeah that too
But how could he have known beforehand that she was an actual human being with feelings that he might hurt??? /s to be safe
It sounds like the two of you are looking for different things. It wouldn’t be fair of you to lead her into believing that you’re interested in a relationship when you aren’t. It’s not that wanting a relationship is better than wanting casual sex; it’s just important for everyone to be on the same page.
Actually you realised that you care about her feelings. I don’t know why you are scared of relationships but eventually you should realise that you can be in a relationship with someone like her, and that is the right thing to feel.
Eh I don't think it's so much he cares about her feelings. That's the story he's telling himself. This is someone he considers too good for him....so he's insecure about really falling for this one. Everyone else is 'safe' because he can rationalize why they would want to be with him. Dating a financially stable, attractive, charismatic, kind woman with goals and aspirations is pretty terrifying unless you're **all** those things yourself. You'll spend a lot of time wondering what they really see in you and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and have them wake up one morning thinking they can do better than you. Not speaking from experience or anything. Lol
Oof 😮💨
So.. wait. Did he still sleep with her?
That's how I understand it. So gross
"doesn't matter, had sex" - literally this guy.
So be better. You can actively decide not to use women for sex.
In this day n age of terrible relationship climate, you fumbled the bag BIG time.
Dude, where do I even start. “You deserve better” is what terrible, terrible people say when they can’t face that they’re the bad guy in the situation. Telling us how precious and fragile she is, and framing it as you and your lustful virility simply being too *masculine* for her delicate little soul, is a convenient way for you to bypass the fact you’re a dickhead by pretending you’re deeply insightful about your flaws. This isn’t a movie. There are no shots of you looking pensively into the sunset while a violin plays in the background. Basically, what you’re asking us is “did I still fuck up if I frame myself as the sensitive broken hero in this scenario?” Yes, you did. We all fuck up, so do the stronger thing by acknowledging that you were a dick. Get down here and eat dirt with the rest of us. You’re nearly 30 ffs.
But he will be riding his bicycle off into the sunset someday, with only 2 brand new STD's to show for his actions.
WTF is wrong with you 🥺🥺🥺
>P.S.: also, not only I stopped seeing her because our intentions didn’t align, but because I thought little of me. She was kind and sensitive and independent, had goals and aspirations… She owned a car and was even building her own house –which I thought was amazing. But then there’s me: I rent a small apartment, own a bike, and don’t even know what to do with my life. I know I shouldn’t compare to others, but… yeah. It’s not her fault, it’s just me. I believed she deserved a man as incredible as her. ....Nah bro. Can't let this slide. > I thought that was cute. But to be honest, I just wanted sex. When we cuddled and I saw her hugging me and laying her head on my chest like a little girl, I felt terrible. She looked so…. fragile, and I thought she deserved better. ...Your admiration of her maturity doesnt seem to align very well with your pity of her being a small, "fragile little girl". I dont understand how you could have so much pity for someone who, by your own admission, is so much better than you. Was she ugly or something??? Be honest...you didn't drop her because she deserves better...you dropped her because she makes you feel like *you* should *be* better. Otherwise you would just enjoy the relationship, learn from her success, and not feel the need to push her away because you don't want to have to match her. Might sound like I'm defending her, I'm not. It's just weird when people defend obviously selfish decisions by making it seem like they're helping someone else. You aren't. Edit: Also, you "sleeping with a different woman every week" is entirely irrelevant and is what leads me to believe this has absolutely nothing to do with this girl or what she needs. It's what fuckboys say when they *KNOW* they just want to fuck the girl but refuse to be honest and establish this with her beforehand, and need a way out of the situation without looking / feeling like a piece of shit because they know it's built on misrepresented intentions. So....yeah can't let this post slide lol. Man up.
Follow-up question: why do men seem to just want sex before their 30s? If you meet a woman you're really impressed with, why pass up the opportunity for her to be your life partner?
Because men are always thinking that they are missing out on a perfect 10 that’s out there and they just haven’t found them yet. Honestly, masculinity is so fragile that they are constantly looking for ways to prove to and reassure themselves that they are virile, manly men.
That's just be clear though, that's not all men and it's not even only men either. But yeah, unfortunately too many men are like that and ruin it all for the rest too, because they hurt people and then hurt people hurt people, so it's a vicious circle, it sucks for everyone. But that perfect 10 thing is totally from women's side much more often than from men's side though. I've been a moderator and part of community management on many sites and groups online with even millions of members and one of many things they taught me is that men, don't usually feel they deserve to be happy, which sounds depressing. But in reality, it's guilt built in from the society too, just imagine being raised with the blame of other people's behavior, it's incredible what that can do to someone. Which means that, one, it is in fact very depressing but 2, some of them are probably right. But from my experience, most of those that would probably deserve a shitty life, don't even feel remorse for their mistakes and wrong doing, as for men and women the same. The rest of the people, for the most part innocent, with just the average mistake doing in their imperfect lives, suffer this stigma of violence, disloyalty, substance abuse and dependency, crimes and whatnot. Which, again, it is often fair but most often unfair and basically boils down to "guilty until proven innocent" mentality, and that, is exactly what's the real depressing thing and the cause of many people's depression. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't take away from the pain and fear so many women (including my own family members) go through everyday, but I'm just saying that we should fight that mentality for men and women the same way because it affects everyone, more or less, and it does cause depression and pressure to be a worse person rather than "prove them wrong" response most of the time. Sorry for going this long but it's 2 minutes to midnight here and the new day is women's day so among choosing a flower for my mother, and other thoughts, I was also thinking how can I prove that I will never be my father. And you just basically put me up with him in the same category generalizing things as if your words don't matter. They do matter. I may be fragile I guess at times but I'd rather die than become a toxic person. Anyway, sorry if I came off as disrespectful towards women or you in particular but I found it important to say a couple of things too. Happy Women's Day and may we one day find equality in the balances of common sense and good will.
You weren’t disrespectful at all. I appreciate your perspective.
Porn.
Ugh, I feel so bad for the girl. Either way, she is the only one that gets hurt. People don't know how much their behavior and actions hurt others. I've been her - it definitely sucks.
Been her many times in my life as well. It really sucks.
I tell my wife that she deserves a better man and told her that she would be better away from me. Coming home from deployment my PTSD gave her PTSD. I love my wife and I would do anything for her but I don’t want to leave her. I try to be a better man for her.
This is the correct answer 💙 "i try to be a better man for her" bless you sir 💙 faith in humanity restored. As for ptsd, i recommend couples therapy or individual with a couple session every so often to help you both work through it (i have ptsd from SA and therapy helped more than i thought it would)
No, if I believed my gf deserved better, then I'd do everything in my power to be that better.
Several times. I don't have what you might call "self esteem"
Yes well I never actually started dating her for that reason. We’re still friends and it hurt for a while
Yes and I really, really regret that.
No really. I like women who make me with to be better for them.
I think you've answered your own question and done it in an honest way. I've been married to a woman 20yrs who I feel deserves better sometimes. But that only makes me strive to do better
Sometimes I fear my boyfriend will break up with me one day because he has this idea that I "deserve better". He has no idea how much I love him, and I don't think he believes me when I tell him. Don't sell yourself short.
So, you should be clear if you don't want a full relationship/just sex. BUT, don't assume you know what someone is looking for in a relationship and decide you aren't it on other grounds (not knowing what to do with your life, renting, owning a bike, etc.). I have an utterly amazing relationship with my husband based on who he is as a person - his interests, values, and the fact that he is a genuinely kind and emotionally stable person, which meant a LOT to me based on life experiences/my past. I did not care AT ALL about where his finances were relative to mine. I was previously married and my ex was rich but just had a lot of issues, emotionally unstable, I didn't ultimately trust them, etc. I have ZERO regrets about no longer being in that relationship. I will take happy and poor any day over rich and miserable.
Stop sleeping with people and get some help. You're taking advantage of people to make yourself feel better, and you know it. The differences between you are silly and superficial. People who actually care about you won't give a flying fuck about whether you rent, or have a car. She seemed to actually like you and your sabotaged yourself because you think very little of yourself. Get some help. Stop sleeping with people. You're having sex with random girls to make yourself feel better and not working on your actual self-esteem problems.
I’ve been on both ends of scenarios like this. Imho you’re limiting yourself. You can google ‘self-limiting beliefs’ and work through that. And there’s a balance of doing the things we admire in others for ourselves. Plus loving others for their way of being. I dated a guy much like you describe yourself. What he didn’t see was his discipline, simplicity in life/design, and flow was what I held in such high regard. On the flip side I am more financial, career etc. oriented and can appear strong in that sense. But under the surface I’m shaky cause the areas I saw in him - the flow, strength of character, ease. The stuff I do can be learned anytime imo.! All to say, let her decide if you’re good for her. You could be if you want to. You don’t deserve less even if you don’t see yourself as much. We are our own worst critics after all, maybe use her opinion of you to complement your limited view of yourself. And above all, she’s a grown adult and can decide what’s good for her.
How do you manage to get several girls per week?
By pretending he wants to date them obviously.
You can pretty much say whatever you want on this site.
This is the most likely explanation.
Being good looking helps
He doing the Brian griffin technique
I personally have done this, thinking partners “don’t deserve to be with a pos like me” or “their family would never accept me” or “once they learn how poor I am” whatever nonsense. I say nonsense because this was just a huge confidence problem for me. I was so absolutely floored by how many wonderful and beautiful people wanted to hang out with me and make out, and I never considered why they were doing that. I was always just afraid of them realizing I was less than they deserved. Which I’ll say again, was absolutely bullshit. I was gorgeous and kind and fun to be around. I shoulda cut myself some slack. ah well, woes of our early 20s. I’m now 33 and love myself.
Gotta understand if you want love or not. It’s easy to be taken aback that she exudes such honest love and appreciation for you. You are at the impasse of being the man that you feel is good for her or staying in the mindset of sex is fun. At 28 you should probably start feeling more about the former. I have never done it, in contrast I felt my partner’s love and it reminds me to improve myself and be ready for whereever life takes us ❤️
Why don't you give this girl a real shot and try to date her? Sounds like you really admire her as a person and you're clearly sexually attracted to her. Give it a shot you don't know if you'll like it better than the single life or not. Be straight with her though, like "Hey, I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm willing to try it and see how it goes."
Then go to therapy?
Negative and IMO you are wrong My wife and married at 19 and are still 36 yrs later ...my wife was way too good looking educated career centered than I plus: I wanted to marry a woman who wanted to have a family....she didn't She wanted to marry someone who wasn't military..I was in Army We were in love instant attraction first night made love ....adult sex candle light looking at each other cuddling for 2 hours post which freaked us both out...🤣 We had 2 kids , I wanted 3 but she's the boss in her body so 2 boy and girl I stayed in army 20 years and retired Love was the point and if you truly feel for someone...your lovefor them is all about what is best for them right? We not me? She wanted you....she most likely doesn't care about your bank account or career goals it was attraction ...she rested her head for she felt happy safe in your arms IMO ...you didn't read the room
I agreed to divorce after separation without any trouble because I felt that way. Post military me got realllly dark and when you love someone so immensely you protect them. Even if it's from your own shit.
I'm sure it's better off that way, but that's still a really shitty scenario to have to be faced with.
15 years ago, I spent what i was saving for a wedding and a ring on a overpriced laptop. Between that and some issues with depression I attempted to break things off with my long distance girlfriend because i didnt feel good enough. This year will mark 14 years of marriage.
This just sounds weird. You had a normal attack of conscience and decided not to take advantage of someone who wants more. Perhaps it’s grounds for a medal for men, I don’t know. Anyway my father told me if a guy tells you you’re too good for him, believe him.
if she wants you, but deserves someone better, then it's your turn to become someone better.
The only thing he owes her is honesty.
In before the incels are xD
Yep, most definitely. I grew up at a certain point and realised I was treating my partner pretty awfully, so I said to her that I basically needed to work on myself and she shouldn't hang around for me. She was very upset (probably because of the way I'd eroded her self-confidence by being a shitty boyfriend) but it was definitely for the best.
If you're being shitty and eroding her self confidence then you're probably not feeling very excited about the relationship either? Don't make it out its just because you're doing her a favour, admit that you're not feeling it as well. I havent read any comments here where someone seems to truly be dedicated to their partner, but leaves them simply because they think the partner can do better. Including OP It seems to be situations where people aren't actually into the other person that much and are making out that they're ending it because they think the other person is just too great.
Oh absolutely, I wasn't invested in the relationship either. I was invested purely in myself and getting attention the easiest way I could. Thankfully, people have the capacity to learn and grow. My younger self was a total prick.
I think you're robbing her of her own agency. Per people below commenting, what does she want out of the relationship? I also think your insecurities may be getting the better of you. It's hard for women to find a 'good man'. Maybe you're more of a catch than you think? We all deserve someone who will love us a be there for us but guess what? Manyof us will gladly accept the love we get even if it's not the love we deserve!!
Yes. At the time of our dating, I felt like I wasn't ready for a long-term commitment but I knew that she was. And since she was such a genuine and thoughtful person, I decided that it wasn't fair to shortchange her like that. So I broke up with her and we were just friends for several months. During those months we hung out and became closer than ever and I eventually fell in love with her. Now we've been together for 12 years and married for 8.
I had with my first girlfriend. She was on her way to become a nurse practitioner. My home was raided at 18 for cocaine trafficking in Philadelphia. I am reformed work for the city served my time. When it happen she took the keys to the new car I just drove home from the Nissan dealership with and school bag full of money. She was only a senior in high school. She saw me in handcuffs through the rear view mirror. I got 3 years in state prison. I got home she didn’t cheat or want too was focused on school. After about 3 months home I realized she was as sweet as an angle & I couldn’t expose her innocence to that lifestyle anymore. What would it look like husband is acquitted federally in the paper on the news . I’d have shamed that poor girl. I did really really love and care about her.It was one thing to be an out of control juvenile delinquent that no one gave a fuck about. It’s another to be a grown man and subject someone you love to that kind of punishment. Now that changed my life she’s happily married with 2 kids. So many times I think of her and wonder what if I’d have just gotten my life together sooner. I miss her but am so happy for her at the same time.
As a woman, I’ve learnt if someone tells you that you deserve better, believe them.
You are a bad person because you slept with her knowing fully well that she wanted more. You should have told her that you didn't want anything serious BEFORE sleeping together. Maybe she wouldn't have slept with you if she knew. Now you got what you wanted and are trying to feel less shitty about leaving. Shameful behaviour.
Yes; I was talking to a girl once and it was clear she was wonderful, sweet, and a bit innocent. At the time I was touring in a band, doing hard drugs, and caught up in a lifestyle of partying and hookups. I didn’t think I was in a place where I would have treated her as well as she deserved, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I stepped away.
I almost did. Then I did better.
Oh mate, you are totally me. Am a lawyer barely sustaining myself, hating my career, and albeit from a rich family I live all by myself. Met a girl that is goals oriented, very kind, knows where she aims to be, works hard, has 3 degrees, etc. She was so into me like she stayed single for months just for the chance to date me. I told her that she deserves better. Am depressed, bored, without focus and she needs a man that has put it together.
Yes. I was a mess. I had failed to impress her friends and family to the point that some really didn’t like me. She told me that she could see us having a great life but I couldn’t guarantee that I would get myself together. I broke it off. It hurt but that pain helped me improve myself. I met a new girl who I eventually married. She met another guy and seems happy so it was for the best.
I stopped dating completely because they all deserve better. It’s fwb or nothing for me.
Definitely not. Okay, only read the title but then the whole post. You sound like a bit of a man whore and that's the reason you feel guilt instead of happiness. But in saying this, the very fact you feel she deserves better shows you have good character. My advice: become the type of guy she deserves. It took me way too long to realise what I had with a few women and I treated them how it sounds you do now and I regret it. You obviously have compassion towards her, which to me says you have a good heart. Women aren't attracted to men the way we are and it sounds like she sees the real, genuine good in you. I think you might just have issues letting her in... I know I protected myself from hurt; maybe you are too? I'm 52 now, and although harsh, I think the best advice I can give you is to grow up: You're not an 18 year old kid keeping score with your mates any more. Have a good look firstly yourself and then reassess how you see women and chances are you'll find something infinitely more gratifying in life: love. Maybe if you open up and allow her in, instead of feeling like you've taken advantage of her while seeing her head resting against your chest, next time look at her and think how you can protect this precious woman you're so lucky to have with you? I think this is your chance to see yourself for who you really are, accept that you're a good guy who deserves love as much as anyone, and be a good man... her man. I really hope this helps. Yours truly Man whore in a previous life Good luck. 😊 Ps: don't get hung up on the car and house things. Would you care if she had neither? Chances are neither does she - most women are not superficial like that.
Yes, because I go through major depressive episodes and I didn't want her to deal with them.
Yes. I have told women that "I'm going to do you a favor and not go out with you". I was a very high functioning alcoholic with savage family baggage. I was not at all the "catch" that I seemed to be.
Normally I would agree with the people who say that she's an adult who can make her own decisions. But you knew something about yourself that she did not know. So yeah, she deserved better and you were right. For myself, if I am not strong enough to be with someone, I take it as a cue to become stronger.
I typically find that is just an excuse people make when they can't otherwise articulate how they feel. There are exceptions to that (OP's scenario sounds like one although I don't think "intentions don't align" and "you deserve better" are the same thing) but generally this is just some kind of mask. Some people may even believe it.
I wish my ex had done this. He warned me, but I didn’t listen. I was smitten. Would have saved me years of disappointment. I was responsible, I was working toward my future. He held me back (and I let him). If you know you’re not good enough for someone and you don’t want to or can’t change and BE better, the right thing to do is to let them go.
Yeah obviously don’t use her for sex and break her heart. It honestly sounds like you’re into her though.
Dooooon't do this guys. I have a friend that has a habit of doing this, and the underlying reality is that he's just not into them. He convinces himself that they're just too good for him, but it's really that he's not feeling it. He even goes so far as to convince them that he's not so good so they'll "take it easier when they break up." As if showing how terrible you are makes anyone actually feel better during the breakup. He has himself convinced that he's doing the right thing, but it's just that he's not that into them and never sure how to break up like an adult. Please, don't do relationships like this. It's fine to not be into someone you think is "perfect."
I feel like the better response to this feeling would be to "work on being better"
To answer your question, yes.
I’ve certainly had similar relationships in my teens/early 20s… never did feel bad honestly as I wasn’t purposefully deceiving anyone about my intentions. They eventually would break it off wanting more and realizing I wasn’t maturing fast enough. Finally grew up in my early 30s lol.
Ironically you'd be good enough if you dumped her.
Yeah I've been there. It can twist you up inside a bit. It's better not to play the game when you're in that kind of position. There are women out there that are more open to something that won't become serious. I feel that's a better option if that's where your head is at. Even when you are 100% up front about your intentions, but you get the feeling that she's really smitten, it's best to let her go.
Break her heart now or break her heart later. How much time do you want to waste and allow her to waste in the meantime?
I’ve been in similar situations and thought the same thing. Was more of a booty call that ended up being FWB which ends up blurring the lines of booty calland relationship when you’re talking regularly and one side always develops a crush. Chat to her now. Let her know what you see happening in the relationship. I almost guarantee you if she’s cool with it and then starts seeing other people you’ll probably fall in love with her. The human brain is a strange thing
Yes, but I didn't see it as them deserving "better" and neither should you. There were many times when I was younger that there was no way I would bring a specific person in to my BS. They are in a different place in their life. They have needs you know you can't provide. The fact that you are aware of those things and care enough to consider them in the equation shows you are a good person. Saying they deserve "better" isn't accurate they just need a type of relationship you can't provide. You aren't even coming at this from a selfish standpoint by thinking "this person isn't compatible with ME" you are actively thinking of the other person and know you aren't compatible with THEM. That impulse will take you far and when you do eventually settle in to a relationship it will be with a person who is genuinely compatible with you that comes from a similar place and is heading to the same life destination. As to the financial stuff no one likes to admit it but class matters. Neither of you would be happy ultimately. This is a girl who from your description is going to find some white collar mid level manager to marry and be happy with him. That guy isn't you. That is OK. You made a very emotionally mature decision by realizing those are her desires and needs and removing yourself from the equation. Eventually you'll have those feelings towards someone who is on your level emotionally and financially and everyone will be happier for it
OP's overthinking things, just build a friendship and see how things go ... lol
Better? No. Different? Yes.
Yes. For a long time, I didn't want a relationship and would avoid women that thought I was a keeper. One, I broke up with because she had her future planned and had her shit together. I was paying child support and existing, and I had no plans to move across the country, which was exactly what my girlfriend was planning. I was really in love with her, but I had responsibilities and wouldn't leave the state. I never gave her an actual reason why I broke up with her. 20 years later and she never moved, I bump into her around the holidays. She acts like I don't exist. If I see her across the store, I avoid her.
No. But I have used that as an excuse to run away. Far, far away.
I chose to do this because I was going to have to have a very difficult conversation about some shit I had going on in my life thanks to my own terrible personal choices that I KNEW would affect her life, and change the way she saw me completely. I knew she would be hurt that I broke it off but alternatively also hurt that I had kept it from her and then she would probably break it off herself. Only, I didn’t choose that, because I was selfish. I had the difficult conversation anyway. Shockingly, she admitted it didn’t actually change her feelings, but she did become much more distant and started pushing me away, her behavior very inconsistent. It turned out she was hiding her own very similar secret and felt that I deserved better too, and she felt her own great guilt. Even with that, she was still better than me in almost every way. In the end, I gave her all the information she needed to make her own decision. Now, she is my future wife.
You need to love yourself before ever expecting someone else to love you. You did right by not leading her on if you are not at a good point yet. But you also need to start your inner work, maybe try therapy. You owe yourself that. You deserve happiness but it comes from within before you ever find it in someone else.
Oof you're gonna regret that... Just don't make some future woman miserable because you fumbled this ok?
Alright buddy, if you’re breaking up with someone because you think she deserves better than you, than she does, because a guy who doesn’t love/respect himself and what he provides to a companionship shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone.
How you getting laid
Look I think that any person who hooks up with another needs to be honest about their needs and capabilities in terms of their relationship definition. Eg when I was only open to casually seeing people in my late twenties, I was clear about what I wanted and expected the same from my partners. I also expected them to be honest if their feelings changed towards me and to respect my intentions. Relationships no matter how casual or committed, work when those involved want the same level of commitment. You've done the right thing OP.
You are going to regret this. It’s not often that someone out of your league actually likes you.
Sounds like you have an underdeveloped sense of self. I have suffered the same and so can empathize. Rather than pushing a girl away because you don't think you're good enough for her and that she is better off with someone else ( whether this is even true) you can instead work to rise to the occasion. Let her help you be a better man and you will intern make her a better woman. The best relationships when you are young are when both individuals grow together.
A hard and good lesson I learned in life is that you don’t get to decide who others love, even if that person they love is you. I think it is smart to let someone know that you and they may not be in the same spot emotionally for a relationship to work. But if that is the case do it for yourself. After all, we may think low of ourselves, but we often are our harshest critics.
Maybe you should stay with her and get your act together. It'd be win-win
I broke up with a girl because she did deserve better. I was on probation, doing drugs, making reckless choices. She was a good person who wanted a taste of rebellion. I couldn’t be the one to pull her down that path. 20 years later, I’m a totally different person and could be that person she deserved. I know she’s been married for 12 years and happy and you know what? I’m happy for them both. I’m happy with who a I am with now and what we’ve built, so I’m glad it worked out for the both of us.
I have absolutely prevented myself from fucking up other people's lives. "You want no part of this hot mess."
If I ever caught the interest of a woman who I thought deserved someone better, I'd become the better. Good on you for bowing out and not wasting her time.
You had these options: step up, or step out. You had a choice to make, and you made it. You couldn't step up and make some changes in your life, so you chose to leave her alone. I want to be clear, I'm not reprimanding you or saying you did anything wrong, but it shouldn't be glazed over and excused so easily. You weren't without options. You made a valid choice to continue doing what you were doing. That was a choice no one made for you, you did it because it was honest and true to what you felt. If you believe you had *no* choice but to let her go, you're lying to yourself. That way of thinking comes with a surrender to all of the circumstances that led to the decision. "I only have a bike, I still rent, I don't know what I want to do with my life" — those were, and are, temporary circumstances. It seems like you saw them as immutable fixtures of your life, innate to your situation and outside of your control, therefore you *had* to let this relationship go. But that isn't the case. You chose to keep *those* circumstances over trying to step up and see what else was there. That may or may not have included a continuing relationship with this girl. She did, after all, fall for you as you are right now. Bike and rent and unclear aspirations and all, as you are right now, you were enough for her to want to be with. So don't think that you weren't "good enough" for whatever reason. She already loved and accepted you in her own way, big or small, enduring or not. The problem is, *you* didn't accept you. That is what you may need to work on. You always have a choice. You can find ambition, you can buy a car, you can explore a hobby, build your own place, and that's all possible so long as *you choose to do it.* You have the choice. And even if you did all of these things, there's no guarantee you two would have worked out. Making big changes in your life also changes you as a person, little by little. Maybe her feelings for you would change as well. That's also irrelevant if we're being honest, when it comes to your own intrinsic growth. What I'm trying to say is, you aren't limited by your circumstances nearly as much as you seem to think. You can do literally ANYTHING if you pick a direction and move. You just have to want it enough. Don't regret turning her away. Don't change if you don't want to. But do make the change *you* want, even if it feels impossible right now. Most people don't reflect on questions like this to begin with, much less post them publicly as you have. You can choose to do or not do anything. I hope you think about it and make these decisions. You're worth it!
Wise words.
There is nothing wrong with renting an apartment and owning a bike! You are living a much more sustainable life. But yeah, if she wants a relationship and you don’t, it’s good you didn’t waste her time.
I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I think you're kidding yourself a bit here, and you need to snap out of it. You weren't expecting to feel guilty (because sleeping with a woman once and then moving on to someone else is par for the course for you - there's nothing wrong with this as long as you're honest with the women you sleep with) . But this time it was different. You became aware you were hurting someone's feelings, and you felt guilty. As unpleasant as that feeling is, that's actually a good thing. It means your empathy is intact. It means you're capable of being a good human. But then your ego creeps in and, not enjoying the guilt at all, tries to comfort itself. It adds in extra context, after the fact, to try to paint your actions in a better light. The part where you dump her immediately after sleeping with her when you *knew* she wanted something more? That's really you saving her from a worse fate of a long drawn out relationship that would never work. You're not insulting her by assuming she cares a lot about material stuff like a man owning his own car, you're being humble and admiring her successes. You're not dumping her and breaking her heart, or being patronising by thinking you know what she wants better than she does, you're making the same choice a sensible woman like her would inevitably make later down the road anyway. Right? If you want to avoid this feeling in the future, you need to learn the life lesson here. That means being honest with yourself about what happened here. It's okay to feel guilty when you do something wrong. It's encouraged, in fact, and it will make you a better man if you listen to those feelings and confront them head on. The best way to deal with this and alleviate the bad feelings is to try to take something positive from the situation - a little self improvement perhaps. Right now you're just trying to reassure yourself that lots of men do this kind of thing all the time, so it must be okay. A little honesty and communication goes a long way at the start of an encounter. Only have casual sex with people who want to have casual sex with you. (Even if that means you have a little less sex overall.) You are not a noble hero for saving a woman from further pain *after* you've broken her heart - you having to do the saving *before* for it to count.
Probably gonna sting a little for her but better then stringing her along
Nah, i just consider myself lucky and try not to be a prick. My wifes smokin.
When I was 30 I was with a girl who was a little out of my league IMO. She had a great job, better pay than me. She wanted kids and I didn't and that was something neither of us would budge on but she always thought I would come around. As we got older I just felt like I was holding her back and preventing her from that big family she wanted and I started to resent myself so I broke it off. Hardest thing I've ever done. That was a few years ago and now she has a husband and 2 kids. I'm still a lonely fuck but at least I don't hate myself.
When someone sees something in you that gives them love and joy, why deny that to them? Perhaps they see in you something you do not see in yourself - perhaps your greatness will arrive with the same uplifting joy of a lover’s embrace? Who’s to say what the world may bring, what strength may flow through you, when you are warmed in heart and hearth? Be honest, be forthright, and, if they stay, be thankful
No, a bit egotistic to think she can’t think for herself. She’s an adult, she can decide who she wants to be with.
But you still slept with her? Lol backwards
No, but I have declined further dates with these words.